Your son is so lucky and blessed to have you🥺 the bottom line is you do your absolute best to make sure he knows that you have his back above all else. Thank you for sharing this❤
Thanks for sharing that experience. It’s truly unreal that another person would actually say something to you. Your parenting is nobody’s business. The world has gone mad. lol. And you did the right thing for your son. You provided him with a safe, soft place to land. You are an amazing mom.
I think how you responded in this was good because you're focusing on your son's needs and it really is no one's business I think it's important to acknowledge that a lot of people judge having needs and there are parents who do that to other parents. I also think there can be issues with helicopter parenting (I don't think that was you) I am someone who only ever got a off hand diagnosis on my autism and adhd and grew up thinking if it was "less severe" it didn't count and I also was always bothered by parents who don't acknowledge needs and with autism some put that on a pedestal to the point of ignoring its a disability. Disability isn't a bad word Also I saw others mention this but society does often encourage boys not to show emotion so I'm glad he's safe to do that with you ❤
I love how thoughtful you were being about your son. You want him to have many safe places. The park today was one of them. You thought him to be resilient, how to determine and sense his own needs, you provided choice, and you allowed him to have a ‘voice’ in where he wanted to be! Way to do and be!
This really reminds me of people pushing exposures with no understanding. I am not Autistic, but I have anxiety and complex trauma and am very sensitive to certain things. There are some things that are simply too much right now, and can cause panic attacks or flashbacks, which can make my anxiety around that thing much worse, be retraumatizing, and ruin the next several days for me. This is obviously unhelpful, and makes things worse. When I encounter triggering things I let myself leave if I think it will be too overwhelming. Most people in my life (parents, teachers, and especially past therapists) see this as "avoidance" and shame me for not pushing myself harder or wanting to get better. They say avoiding triggers makes it worse, so I have to be exposed to them. While that's partially true, and exposure therapy definitely helps, they're missing a big piece. There needs to be small steps, safety, trust, communication, and consent for it to work, and I did not get that. I didn't have anyone to protect me, stand up for me, or tell me it was ok to leave or say no when it was too much. I've been forced into stressful situations that ended up being retraumatizing and made my issues worse many many times. Of course I hated it there, and started dissociating a lot. I wouldn't be visibly distressed, so people said the exposure worked. It makes me really angry because with a little bit of empathy that could have all been avoided, and I would be doing better with those things. There is so much judgment and people thinking they know better, but they really don't and it's harmful. Now I have a good therapist and am able to make my own choices, avoid things when I need to, and expose myself to things in a safe and helpful way. Many of the things, like making scary phone calls, I do want to do, and know I will be able to eventually, but I have to take it slowly. I can tell I'm making progress now, and it's really empowering. It doesn't sound like you're hiding your son from the real world. You let your son be exposed to things, but left when it was going to be too much and unhelpful, and that seems like the exact right thing to do.
Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing this. I recognize a lot of my own story in yours 🫶🏻 I'm sending you lots of positive vibes and love. This internet stranger is really proud of you ✨
@@awkwardaquarian6239 Thank you 🫶 I'm sorry to you and anyone who relates to this, it's not fair. Remember you know yourself more than anyone else does, even if they're older or have a PhD. Follow what feels right to you and find people who understand and care about every part of you. This internet stranger is proud of you too. ✨Take care of yourself. Sending love
I actually think, trying to teach your son to recognize inside himself when he is overstimulated and had enough and that it’s ok to say I am ready to go home to my comfortable place it great! As an introvert and hsp who didn’t understand what that was until I was in my 20s, I wish my generation was raised that way. I feel like there was so much pressure to be like everyone else and be the best
I'm a 65yo man. I wasn't diagnosed as being on the spectrum till I was in my late 40's. I spent decades "hating it here", struggling with depression, anxiety, PTSD and just raw fear of a world I never felt I fit into. Still don't in many ways. Back when I was little, my parents had no clue how to deal with me being different than my older sister and all the other kids. To this day 60 years later I can recall my mother saying to me "What is wrong with you? Why can't you just be normal?" Too late for me but I'm glad there's much more awareness for your son and other neurodivergent kids that with support from parents like you, they can face the world on their own terms and not feel lost, outcast, ignored.
My mind thought of Kacey Musgraves’ song “Keep It To Yourself”. Very plain and simply but in a musically beautiful way somewhat addressing how someone might be feeling a certain way but to keep to themselves. It’s a little bit of a juxtaposition between the idea of the song being something I wouldn’t expect to be a slow song. Taylor does this to is all the time, too, of course.
I am thankful for you sharing this, Mere. ❤️ People offer unsolicited advice in the most surprising environments, circumstances, times; and, I’ve been totally flabbergasted by the things people will say. Something huge that you speak to with not ever knowing what’s going on with a person, is so huge with mental health and even physical disabilities that you cannot see. To that guy at your park and those who need to educate themselves and stay in their lane🤐: “Mind Ya Business!”. ✨This that you have shared is beautiful leans such much into putting ourselves in healthy environments and deciphering what “healthy” means for us as an individual and then fostering and protecting that. ✨Thank you for sharing your reflections. It makes me think of “the world is what you make of it”, also. Like, enjoy your side of the street(your lane) in life and protect it to be what you want and need it to be with those boundaries. Excited for the resources you share continuously through your content and these worksheets. Sending you all the love and empowerment for “Here” to be what it you want and need it to be for your family’s unique needs. I’ll drive in the car or ride and think, I wonder where that person is on their way to…? Will I see them again? It’s always been something that helps me think about others daily life without knowing and how that is the answer in itself. We don’t know what we don’t know and have the beauty of our safe, secure circles we have and create, can often parallel others and that’s okay. I think possibly the most valuable lesson I have ever learned is that you can never truly know anyone’s experience than your own. You can try, but only that person can attempt to have a PhD in themselves, should they choose to do the work. If that makes sense 😂. Perspective if one of my favorite things about life and art. 🫶I hope you can enjoy a not so secret garden and be present in a safe space that suits you and your family in the way you need at any given time. I like the idea of making sure “Here” is the beautiful place it can be, what that means & protecting that. A favorite of mine comes to mind: “to live for the hope of it all”. 🌲🌿🍃
i love this. i think you handled that great mere. people need to think before they assume or judge someone they don’t even know :( and i love what you said about not wanting your son to hate it here. it’s clear you’re doing a beautiful job raising him ❤️ sending love to both of you!
Thank you for sharing this. There was an urban issue when I had my kids. It was that when children get separated from their parents and they dont know their parents names, only mommy and daddy. So my wife and I had our kids call us by name. Boarding a flight an older woman heard our children and "lost it." 'How horrble we were that our children called us by name!' So I took the time to explain, it made the situation multiples worse. In a closed space. This woman thought what a horrble thing to think we migjt be separated from our children, just to think that way! Anyway, our kids knew our address, phone number and names as the first things they learned in life. And we slept peaceful knowing they would always know their way home.
As someone who totally vibes with where Taylor is coming from, I think it is a lot more than just overload. Although I'm sure you get that. To me it is very challenging to incarnate here. Without the right support, and even sometimes with it, finding a way to navigate through life is incredibly difficult. When things don't work the way you're desperate for them to work, especially about the things that are your prime directive, which for Taylor is romantic love, you eventually start hating it here. I totally get that. I think that there are ways to address this, but I totally understand the feeling. And Taylor has the added weight of all that fame. It's great to be an artist and share your art with fans that love you, but fame? It's a harsh mistress.
Absolutely. You saying it’s challenging to “incarnate here” makes me intrigued. I feel like you are a person I could talk to for hours about life and what it all means ❤
@@mendwithmere This makes me smile. Thank you. That is a kind thing for you to say. Most people aren't interested. I'm too smart and too loquacious and too much of an old soul. I'm both normal and engaged with the culture, yet way outside the mainstream in how I view "life." And by "life" I mean consciousness/awareness/soul, what it is, how it perceives its journey, why it chooses to come here, and how it navigates the pain of being here. Sometimes the challenges are internal and you find yourself on a lonely sea that seems endless. Many times it's other people that are the issue and good gracious, that can be maddening. You get locked into a drama with someone and it's like you both have your hands buried in each other's shirts, face to face, unable to let go until the "karma" resolves. And sometimes it's an ethical duty and you find yourself cemented into that course by the deep unconditional love you have for another soul. Trapped, in a sense, by love, into walking with them and helping them and loving them as *they* travel their chosen path. As for the “incarnate here” comment... You can likely infer much from that phrase. Essentially, it's the whole "we are spiritual beings having a human experience" thing. We aren't just dust in the wind, and neither is any other living being. Once you accept that as real and not just woo, you start to wonder WHY. Why did we choose to come here? Why is it so damn hard? I have at times railed at my higher self, screaming, YOU IDIOT, WTAF were you thinking when you planned this lifetime?! It's too hard! I can't do this! And I think that isn't an uncommon feeling among many people. From what I understand, Earth on this particular plane is an extremely difficult place to incarnate. I've heard it described as an "extreme sport." A place only the bravest and you might say craziest souls choose to experience. Sigh. Sorry for the verbosity. But you poked the bear. Or maybe a better analogy would be to say you petted the bear and told him you liked what he had to say. 😊
You can be sure that you´re being a good parent. You listened to your son first, you were able to recognize, validate and met his needs. I would´ve said something like "I don´t remember the moment when I asked for your opinion, mind your business" haha but that´s probably just because I do sometimes "hate it here" and I have no patience for people who tell good parents that they´re doing it wrong. My parents forced me to socialize and be around people when I did not want to and that´s exactly how I learnt that the only privacy I had it was on "secret gardens in my mind". I became a quieter child every day a little more. It took me years to know how to be around people and have friends and it´s taking me a lot of years more to hear my own body and set boundaries. If I would have had a mother like you, It would have been easier to achieve those things. You´re doing well :)
As a woman who realized I was autistic in Spring of 2023 when I was 44, that parent was out of line. I have done literally decades of work to unlearn the gaslighting, masking and tendency to force myself into uncomfortable situations BECAUSE I was not provided any explanation or support for my sensitivities growing up. The problem is that people like that interpret not bothering me = that person is fine. Nope, just because a NT person is fine and an ND person is quiet doesn't mean the ND person isn't uncomfortable, distressed or traumatized, it's just that the NT person's perspective is the only that is given weight. I don't think you saying that to this commenter would have changed their mind or improved the situation, so I think you handled it correctly, it was simply an unsatisfactory situation. But enduring discomfort is what should happen in an emergency - a temporary scenario that you're just trying to get through. It is a terrible approach for life because the more you endure, the more opportunities to endure you create. It does not lessen the discomfort you just get more pressure and become more used to feeling bad which leads to burnout, depression etc. I also think boys get told to put up with things and that parent was reinforcing patriarchal conditioning. How dare you let your SON be upset and not shame him into silence about it? I think that's also in play. You handled it perfectly though.
@@mendwithmere I learned a long time ago that boys and girls cry the same pre-pub or 10 years old for sure. Shaming boys for crying is extremely damaging in this age range.
This story reminds me of the time we took our daughter (she was about 18 months at the time) to the Jetties before a hurricane so I put the kid leash on her because there were some big waves hitting it every once in a while and I didn't want her to get washed off the jetty. It was the ONLY time I ever used it, and this guy says, "Cute puppy!" - I lost it, I started crying hysterically. I was like, "Do you see these waves, Ahole?" I was so upset. I picked her up and we left immediately.
I think you're absolutely right when you say you don't need this person's comment, cause as you said, they have absolutely no idea what your son goes through and what he feels, they know nothing about the situation. Also people have a tendency to lecture parents who in their opinion are "overproctective". The fact is that, as much as we can't prevent children from seeing and living negative things, we also want to be aware of their sensitiveness, and if a certain experience is going to make one child stronger it might crush another one's spirit. So I think you're very wise in considering the needs of your child, seeing a child cry for him might be 10 times more distressful than for some other kid, we are not all the same
What you said really resonated with me in both of these videos and it makes sense. Due to trauma I never learned how to truly set boundaries. I knew that. I also knew I would daydream a lot because of it. But I never knew others experienced it too or that there was a word to describe it. With your video reacting to I Hate It Here I realize I do maladactive daydreaming. It's nice to know I'm not alone with this. So thank you Mere for talking about it as I feel a lot of people felt the same way that I did where I felt I was the only one who daydreamed consistently.
I think you did the right thing - not from a parent’s perspective but from a person with autism, who desperately needed that when I was a child. I got my diagnosis in 2016 when I was 15, and I’m very aware that I’m one of the “luckier” women who got their diagnosis “early” but I still had to deal with 15 years of bad.. well, everything - getting bullied back from the start of my going to school, having a friend from kindergarten who was manipulative and gaslighting, and a bunch of shit with my dad. All of this might have happened if I wasn’t autistic but I don’t think so. I’m a very sensitive person and all of these things made my life is bad that I.. well hated it here so much that I had to go to the emergency psychiatric clinic, which then resulted in my multiple diagnoses and my autism diagnosis. Well sorry for loading all of that in your comments😂 all I wanted to say was that I think your son will one day look back at everything you’re doing to make his life easier and be grateful. And also that it makes me so proud that we as a society have come far enough that parents are beginning to change the way they treat their ND children to make their lives in this NT world easier. It really made me tear up ❤❤❤
This means everything to me! Thank you for sharing your experience and validating my action to protect him. Never apologize for sharing in the comments, it means so much. Thank you ❤
Thank you so much for sharing, I think this is a really important, all-encompassing topic. It has to do with you, your son and other people who we can't control, it's like the perfect concoction of events to make sure I overthink ALL DAY. But you absolutely handled this like a champ. I am not a mom, so I don't know if I would have been able to keep my cool, but mom or not, I can't imagine ever telling someone else what's right or wrong for their child. Hopefully that comment gave that individual the gratification they were clearly looking for. It screams "I am a better mom," from someone who simply doesn't know either one of you. I personally would be doing the same thing of going back and forth on what I could/would/should have done differently but you handled it exactly in a way that was right for you both at that time and it's funny because the lack of response, probably bothered them. From a different perspective, when I was a kid, I was very quiet and easily overstimulated in crowded places (I have no diagnoses) and it just wasn't something that was recognized or regarded. My sister was always super outgoing, so everyone just called me "anti-social," which I grew to hate because that's not how I felt. I can imagine that had my mother been able to handle situations like the way you handled this one with your son, I wouldn't have always been in survival mode. Always "fake it, till you make it...and I did" LOL. Your empathy and thought process is clear, humble and kind. Good won today :)
I always find it ‘interesting’ that sometimes that we (adults) by default have different expectations for kids than we do for ourselves. If I am in a situation that I’m uncomfortable with, I take the opportunity to remove myself from that. Because I can. I don’t expect me to have to put up or deal with situations I don’t want to be in. We respect adults to have those kinds of boundaries for ourselves, and don’t call each other out the same way we would kids, but don’t offer that same understanding and respect to kids for needing/wanting/having those same boundaries and opportunities to remove themselves from situations they don’t want to be in. Sure there’s an argument that we need to be able to learn to cope in society. I would’ve gone down the snarky route if it was me, so well done 😂. You know your kid, and it’s up to you to teach and guide them and help them grow up with boundaries and balance, so go you - back yourself in!
I know I sometimes judge other people's actions or issues. But how I feel about it is that everyone is allowed to think whatever they want about anything and everything. But people need to learn that you don't need to say it out loud. People need to keep their thoughts and opinions to themselves unless someone asks them for it.
I completely agree. I judge too and that’s fine and at the same time, how I think doesn’t need to be put on anyone else. You put it much more eloquently. Thank you for sharing!
I have adhd ,social anxiety and ive been told im empathetic and i often maladaptive daydreaming because when you get so overstimulated, and cant leave you have to escape mentally to not be overwhelmed And that person i dont think should have said anything but i do think to a extent it is good to expose them so they get used to it but at a slow pace cause then they get more used to the stimuli but not to much to fast And i agree with whst you said people commenting on others patenting im going to be nice and assume they had good intentions but it seem they were being judgemental also as a boy who as a child cried easy i wonder if that played a role cause i remember people getting annoyed or making comments about me crying when i was 8 but not girls idk if that played a roll but just a thought
I feel like in the US (I am from Brazil) it is so common for people to approach others and give opinions on things. It can be for good or bad, but for me still is so strange. I didn’t spend much time there (10-15 day trips), but it happened multiple times with me in different cities. Definitely I am not used to it. Regarding the situation, I can’t speak as a parent because I am not one, but I think you did great.
The more I think about it, the more I'm pretty sure there is 2 kind of humanity : the empathic one and the ego one. And it's cool. BUT ! Empath knows how their acts can have consequences, and making other suffer (why we can't be mean to people even if they judge us 😅) so we respect limits without telling us where they are. And Ego one just don't (even if it's clear and loud, so difficult for them !) They did adapt well in this world, so yes they don't need reparenting, tenderness, compassion or such - Good for them - But 2 humanities means also sharing the same place ! This world seems now to be at their image, like it seems to belong to them... but no ! It's for both. They can call it "the real world" and denigrate the other one, but who's not grumpy about sharing their toys ? 😂 Thank of sharing this. Love so much your channel - the space comments also : just a proof the 2nd world exist for real ❤
Learning to have boundaries and even more specifically that I could have them and that didn’t mean I was being rude or selfish for respecting my own limits was so important to me… I too used maladaptive daydreaming to create a safe place for myself while growing up so I also get what Laura said, it really was a reparenting process, to validate myself and whoever questioned it I would have the exact words I needed in my mouth. I guess in your situation I would either explain the situation (I mean, if they can talk they can listen to right?) and the thing is people don’t wanna argue, they just want to say whatever and go on so me explaining would probably just annoy them (Sorry, it sounds terrible but that’s the first thing I thought! 😂 If they wanna talk about anything they at least have to be aware of what they’re talking about, explaining would probably just point out their ignorance that what I would go for to shut them up) or just be “the bigger person” and play nice just saying “thanks for your concern, but we’re fine” and just leave, you know? Like, you know your son’s needs and boundaries and this is between the two of you, what other people say doesn’t really matter so no need to give them attention. Now, personally, for a long time I felt quite neglected or unimportant whenever my parents didn’t fight or defended me in these moments of emotional regulation, my sister on the other hand hated any sort of conflict so it’s more important to her to be reassured and taken away from that space, so I guess you should pay attention to how your son feels when that happens and what they’d like you to do. One thing I would like to add is how lucky your son is, you making sure he’s seen and that he has the safe space is really so important. I believe when you do what you’re doing you’re also teaching the kid that it’s okay to stand up for themselves, that they matter too. You’re not only a great professional but also a great mom and a great person, hope to see your workbooks soon!
I find that backseat parenting seems to be unfortunately pretty common these days, but slightly less so amongst Gen Z parents. But maybe that's just because most of Gen Z aren't really "old enough" per se to be parents on average; I'm technically Gen Z & I just turned 25 yesterday (when you posted this, actually! 😯), but I have had friends from high school who became parents at young ages, so yeah. I don't know. I mention this because that lady's behavior that you talked about at the end of the video did sound like backseat parenting to me. I wonder if its usually something that comes from a place of good intentions; I like to think that it is... but that doesn't really make it all that less annoying, at least in the moment. :/ lol I wonder if people maybe end up thinking its okay to say their input "tips" like that when they see other parents potentially struggling, because maybe they're thinking of the saying "It takes a village to raise a child." And honestly, there is some truth to that of course, but I think some people sort of just take it too literally & then it becomes rude or invasive. ...aaaaaaand then there are some instances where the folks who put their two cents in are actually just super entitled jerks that cannot be reasoned with. Which I have personally come across before (should be noted that I don't have kids personally but still), but all that to say, I'm not claiming the lady you were describing at the end of the video is someone who's super entitled & unreasonable or anything. She probably had good intentions (hopefully at least), but, tbh, as mean as this may (& hopefully doesn't) sound... She still needs to stay in her lane! There's absolutely nothing wrong with how you handled it. Sure it may have been a bit extreme if you were to have actually said "F off" out loud, but you didn't, and it's a natural response to think that in your head given the context of everything, I think. You did the most mature & rational thing I can think of, really. As for what she said though, about how kids "need to be exposed" to all the things of the world that aren't all sunshine & rainbows, or however she put it. When you mentioned she said that, all I could think is this thought process along the lines of: "Yeah, but like... He already WAS exposed to it just now. He is now familiar with the experience of witnessing this sort of thing. Why does that suddenly mean he should force himself/be forced by anyone to sit through it while he's wildly uncomfortable to say the least? How does that help anyone? Wouldn't it be better to teach him that he has the freedom to go somewhere else and center himself in what he wants to do, as long as no one's getting hurt by what he's doing? If that means going home, then so what if going home is gonna make him feel happier & recuperated today? Isn't that what you want for kids???" That got wordy for sure so I apologize lol, but still. I figure that says it all, really. I also love how you acknowledged that autistic people can certainly be quite empathetic, too. (& as someone who doesn't officially have a diagnosis of being on the spectrum but is pretty sure I most likely am autistic to some extent, just based on how I - usually quite strongly - relate to almost every single symptom I've seen of the condition as a whole, it does hit close to home for me, as well, as I have always been intensely empathetic, to the point of self-sabotage in the heavily people-pleasing sort of way. Huge reasons as to why I grew up being a Swiftie/relating to Taylor's music as well lol) I hope you & your son are doing well too of course 💖 (& also I don't blame anyone if they don't want to read this long of a comment, but if you've read this far down then thank you so much oh my goodness ✨)
Mere, I really like your videos like this when something inspires you to share your thoughts in one video, not necessarily reactions to songs/videos. I cannot wait til your workbook comes out. I'm on the healing journey and want to reparent myself. I just don't know where to start initially in order to go thru the motions, you know? Any advice?
That man telling you not to protect him from the overstimulating sounds is like if he told you not to protect him from a hammer to the head. I was diagnosed as a small child, I am now almost 30. Every time it physically HURTS. It isn’t not liking it. It isn’t a matter of it gets better with exposure. It is a matter of not wanting to feel intense physical pain. I wish people would understand that about sensory sensitivities.
I'm only sensitive to certain sounds. I have very sensitive hearing. I believe I have something called Misphonia. - Misophonia is a disorder in which certain sounds trigger emotional or physiological responses that some might perceive as unreasonable given the circumstance. Those who have misophonia might describe it as when a sound “drives you crazy.” Their reactions can range from anger and annoyance to panic and the need to flee.
I'm going to give you a different perspective. Maybe the person wasn't being judgmental. They may have thought they were offering helpful advice. I think when we are worried about being judged we jump to worst case scenario. They may not have realized that your child was on the spectrum. Should they have kept their thoughts to themself? Absolutely, but they weren't necessarily being negative. I deal with this being overweight and having struggled with weight all my life. I get all sorts of helpful advice, but my thought always is "have you ever had to lose even 2 pounds your entire life?" Only we know our struggles. It's easy to resent people even though they may not be acting from a bad space.
The person may have not been acting from a bad place, but it's still none of their damn business. Their motivation may have been okay but their actions sucked.
@@chrismcmurry8508 I totally agree. Most people don't realize their advice may not be wanted or appreciated. And not being there, I can't assign a good or bad to their motivation because I didn't hear the words or the tone in which they were said. I was just pointing out that Mere's reaction could be because of her perceptions vs. reality. She was protecting her child (brava Mere!). And that's how it should be.
It sounds to me like you taught your kid that it's OK to leave a situation. That other person seemed to think we should not listen to our instincts and force people to stay in situations that aren't good for us. Also, I know what you mean about over explaining vs. F off . Lol. I'm trying to learn what is right in that situation.. I wayyyyyy over explain even to bullies.
Your son is so lucky and blessed to have you🥺 the bottom line is you do your absolute best to make sure he knows that you have his back above all else.
Thank you for sharing this❤
Thank you so much!!
Thanks for sharing that experience. It’s truly unreal that another person would actually say something to you. Your parenting is nobody’s business. The world has gone mad. lol. And you did the right thing for your son. You provided him with a safe, soft place to land. You are an amazing mom.
Thank you so much
So condescending. You don’t deserve that and my BP went up just hearing this. Smile. You are beautiful ❤
I think how you responded in this was good because you're focusing on your son's needs and it really is no one's business
I think it's important to acknowledge that a lot of people judge having needs and there are parents who do that to other parents. I also think there can be issues with helicopter parenting (I don't think that was you)
I am someone who only ever got a off hand diagnosis on my autism and adhd and grew up thinking if it was "less severe" it didn't count and I also was always bothered by parents who don't acknowledge needs and with autism some put that on a pedestal to the point of ignoring its a disability. Disability isn't a bad word
Also I saw others mention this but society does often encourage boys not to show emotion so I'm glad he's safe to do that with you ❤
I love how thoughtful you were being about your son. You want him to have many safe places. The park today was one of them. You thought him to be resilient, how to determine and sense his own needs, you provided choice, and you allowed him to have a ‘voice’ in where he wanted to be! Way to do and be!
This really reminds me of people pushing exposures with no understanding. I am not Autistic, but I have anxiety and complex trauma and am very sensitive to certain things. There are some things that are simply too much right now, and can cause panic attacks or flashbacks, which can make my anxiety around that thing much worse, be retraumatizing, and ruin the next several days for me. This is obviously unhelpful, and makes things worse. When I encounter triggering things I let myself leave if I think it will be too overwhelming. Most people in my life (parents, teachers, and especially past therapists) see this as "avoidance" and shame me for not pushing myself harder or wanting to get better. They say avoiding triggers makes it worse, so I have to be exposed to them. While that's partially true, and exposure therapy definitely helps, they're missing a big piece. There needs to be small steps, safety, trust, communication, and consent for it to work, and I did not get that. I didn't have anyone to protect me, stand up for me, or tell me it was ok to leave or say no when it was too much. I've been forced into stressful situations that ended up being retraumatizing and made my issues worse many many times. Of course I hated it there, and started dissociating a lot. I wouldn't be visibly distressed, so people said the exposure worked. It makes me really angry because with a little bit of empathy that could have all been avoided, and I would be doing better with those things. There is so much judgment and people thinking they know better, but they really don't and it's harmful.
Now I have a good therapist and am able to make my own choices, avoid things when I need to, and expose myself to things in a safe and helpful way. Many of the things, like making scary phone calls, I do want to do, and know I will be able to eventually, but I have to take it slowly. I can tell I'm making progress now, and it's really empowering.
It doesn't sound like you're hiding your son from the real world. You let your son be exposed to things, but left when it was going to be too much and unhelpful, and that seems like the exact right thing to do.
Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing this. I recognize a lot of my own story in yours 🫶🏻 I'm sending you lots of positive vibes and love. This internet stranger is really proud of you ✨
YES TO EVERYTHING YOU SHARED!
@@awkwardaquarian6239 Thank you 🫶 I'm sorry to you and anyone who relates to this, it's not fair. Remember you know yourself more than anyone else does, even if they're older or have a PhD. Follow what feels right to you and find people who understand and care about every part of you. This internet stranger is proud of you too. ✨Take care of yourself. Sending love
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
I actually think, trying to teach your son to recognize inside himself when he is overstimulated and had enough and that it’s ok to say I am ready to go home to my comfortable place it great! As an introvert and hsp who didn’t understand what that was until I was in my 20s, I wish my generation was raised that way. I feel like there was so much pressure to be like everyone else and be the best
Thank you for this message, yes, we can always learn boundaries later in life! Our starting point in life does not need to be our end point 🙂
So true!
I'm a 65yo man. I wasn't diagnosed as being on the spectrum till I was in my late 40's. I spent decades "hating it here", struggling with depression, anxiety, PTSD and just raw fear of a world I never felt I fit into. Still don't in many ways. Back when I was little, my parents had no clue how to deal with me being different than my older sister and all the other kids. To this day 60 years later I can recall my mother saying to me "What is wrong with you? Why can't you just be normal?" Too late for me but I'm glad there's much more awareness for your son and other neurodivergent kids that with support from parents like you, they can face the world on their own terms and not feel lost, outcast, ignored.
I hate it here is my fav song from TTPD
My mind thought of Kacey Musgraves’ song “Keep It To Yourself”. Very plain and simply but in a musically beautiful way somewhat addressing how someone might be feeling a certain way but to keep to themselves. It’s a little bit of a juxtaposition between the idea of the song being something I wouldn’t expect to be a slow song. Taylor does this to is all the time, too, of course.
I am thankful for you sharing this, Mere. ❤️ People offer unsolicited advice in the most surprising environments, circumstances, times; and, I’ve been totally flabbergasted by the things people will say. Something huge that you speak to with not ever knowing what’s going on with a person, is so huge with mental health and even physical disabilities that you cannot see. To that guy at your park and those who need to educate themselves and stay in their lane🤐: “Mind Ya Business!”. ✨This that you have shared is beautiful leans such much into putting ourselves in healthy environments and deciphering what “healthy” means for us as an individual and then fostering and protecting that. ✨Thank you for sharing your reflections. It makes me think of “the world is what you make of it”, also. Like, enjoy your side of the street(your lane) in life and protect it to be what you want and need it to be with those boundaries. Excited for the resources you share continuously through your content and these worksheets. Sending you all the love and empowerment for “Here” to be what it you want and need it to be for your family’s unique needs. I’ll drive in the car or ride and think, I wonder where that person is on their way to…? Will I see them again? It’s always been something that helps me think about others daily life without knowing and how that is the answer in itself. We don’t know what we don’t know and have the beauty of our safe, secure circles we have and create, can often parallel others and that’s okay. I think possibly the most valuable lesson I have ever learned is that you can never truly know anyone’s experience than your own. You can try, but only that person can attempt to have a PhD in themselves, should they choose to do the work. If that makes sense 😂. Perspective if one of my favorite things about life and art. 🫶I hope you can enjoy a not so secret garden and be present in a safe space that suits you and your family in the way you need at any given time. I like the idea of making sure “Here” is the beautiful place it can be, what that means & protecting that. A favorite of mine comes to mind: “to live for the hope of it all”. 🌲🌿🍃
i love this. i think you handled that great mere. people need to think before they assume or judge someone they don’t even know :( and i love what you said about not wanting your son to hate it here. it’s clear you’re doing a beautiful job raising him ❤️ sending love to both of you!
Thank you, I feel the love 🤍
Thank you for sharing this. There was an urban issue when I had my kids. It was that when children get separated from their parents and they dont know their parents names, only mommy and daddy. So my wife and I had our kids call us by name. Boarding a flight an older woman heard our children and "lost it." 'How horrble we were that our children called us by name!' So I took the time to explain, it made the situation multiples worse. In a closed space. This woman thought what a horrble thing to think we migjt be separated from our children, just to think that way! Anyway, our kids knew our address, phone number and names as the first things they learned in life. And we slept peaceful knowing they would always know their way home.
As someone who totally vibes with where Taylor is coming from, I think it is a lot more than just overload. Although I'm sure you get that. To me it is very challenging to incarnate here. Without the right support, and even sometimes with it, finding a way to navigate through life is incredibly difficult. When things don't work the way you're desperate for them to work, especially about the things that are your prime directive, which for Taylor is romantic love, you eventually start hating it here. I totally get that. I think that there are ways to address this, but I totally understand the feeling.
And Taylor has the added weight of all that fame. It's great to be an artist and share your art with fans that love you, but fame? It's a harsh mistress.
Absolutely. You saying it’s challenging to “incarnate here” makes me intrigued. I feel like you are a person I could talk to for hours about life and what it all means ❤
@@mendwithmere This makes me smile. Thank you. That is a kind thing for you to say. Most people aren't interested. I'm too smart and too loquacious and too much of an old soul. I'm both normal and engaged with the culture, yet way outside the mainstream in how I view "life." And by "life" I mean consciousness/awareness/soul, what it is, how it perceives its journey, why it chooses to come here, and how it navigates the pain of being here.
Sometimes the challenges are internal and you find yourself on a lonely sea that seems endless. Many times it's other people that are the issue and good gracious, that can be maddening. You get locked into a drama with someone and it's like you both have your hands buried in each other's shirts, face to face, unable to let go until the "karma" resolves. And sometimes it's an ethical duty and you find yourself cemented into that course by the deep unconditional love you have for another soul. Trapped, in a sense, by love, into walking with them and helping them and loving them as *they* travel their chosen path.
As for the “incarnate here” comment... You can likely infer much from that phrase. Essentially, it's the whole "we are spiritual beings having a human experience" thing. We aren't just dust in the wind, and neither is any other living being. Once you accept that as real and not just woo, you start to wonder WHY. Why did we choose to come here? Why is it so damn hard? I have at times railed at my higher self, screaming, YOU IDIOT, WTAF were you thinking when you planned this lifetime?! It's too hard! I can't do this!
And I think that isn't an uncommon feeling among many people.
From what I understand, Earth on this particular plane is an extremely difficult place to incarnate. I've heard it described as an "extreme sport." A place only the bravest and you might say craziest souls choose to experience.
Sigh. Sorry for the verbosity. But you poked the bear. Or maybe a better analogy would be to say you petted the bear and told him you liked what he had to say. 😊
You can be sure that you´re being a good parent. You listened to your son first, you were able to recognize, validate and met his needs.
I would´ve said something like "I don´t remember the moment when I asked for your opinion, mind your business" haha but that´s probably just because I do sometimes "hate it here" and I have no patience for people who tell good parents that they´re doing it wrong.
My parents forced me to socialize and be around people when I did not want to and that´s exactly how I learnt that the only privacy I had it was on "secret gardens in my mind". I became a quieter child every day a little more. It took me years to know how to be around people and have friends and it´s taking me a lot of years more to hear my own body and set boundaries. If I would have had a mother like you, It would have been easier to achieve those things.
You´re doing well :)
As a woman who realized I was autistic in Spring of 2023 when I was 44, that parent was out of line. I have done literally decades of work to unlearn the gaslighting, masking and tendency to force myself into uncomfortable situations BECAUSE I was not provided any explanation or support for my sensitivities growing up. The problem is that people like that interpret not bothering me = that person is fine. Nope, just because a NT person is fine and an ND person is quiet doesn't mean the ND person isn't uncomfortable, distressed or traumatized, it's just that the NT person's perspective is the only that is given weight. I don't think you saying that to this commenter would have changed their mind or improved the situation, so I think you handled it correctly, it was simply an unsatisfactory situation. But enduring discomfort is what should happen in an emergency - a temporary scenario that you're just trying to get through. It is a terrible approach for life because the more you endure, the more opportunities to endure you create. It does not lessen the discomfort you just get more pressure and become more used to feeling bad which leads to burnout, depression etc. I also think boys get told to put up with things and that parent was reinforcing patriarchal conditioning. How dare you let your SON be upset and not shame him into silence about it? I think that's also in play. You handled it perfectly though.
That’s a really good point! I have noticed in other cases too how people are not comfortable with a boy crying.
@@mendwithmere I learned a long time ago that boys and girls cry the same pre-pub or 10 years old for sure. Shaming boys for crying is extremely damaging in this age range.
This story reminds me of the time we took our daughter (she was about 18 months at the time) to the Jetties before a hurricane so I put the kid leash on her because there were some big waves hitting it every once in a while and I didn't want her to get washed off the jetty. It was the ONLY time I ever used it, and this guy says, "Cute puppy!" - I lost it, I started crying hysterically. I was like, "Do you see these waves, Ahole?" I was so upset. I picked her up and we left immediately.
They weren't crazy waves yet. It was still safe to walk on, I just felt better with the leash.
i will forever be such an i hate it here girlie 💕
I think you're absolutely right when you say you don't need this person's comment, cause as you said, they have absolutely no idea what your son goes through and what he feels, they know nothing about the situation. Also people have a tendency to lecture parents who in their opinion are "overproctective". The fact is that, as much as we can't prevent children from seeing and living negative things, we also want to be aware of their sensitiveness, and if a certain experience is going to make one child stronger it might crush another one's spirit. So I think you're very wise in considering the needs of your child, seeing a child cry for him might be 10 times more distressful than for some other kid, we are not all the same
Absolutely! ❤
What you said really resonated with me in both of these videos and it makes sense. Due to trauma I never learned how to truly set boundaries. I knew that. I also knew I would daydream a lot because of it. But I never knew others experienced it too or that there was a word to describe it. With your video reacting to I Hate It Here I realize I do maladactive daydreaming. It's nice to know I'm not alone with this. So thank you Mere for talking about it as I feel a lot of people felt the same way that I did where I felt I was the only one who daydreamed consistently.
You are not alone. It’s our body’s way of protecting itself. Thank you for sharing ❤
I think you did the right thing - not from a parent’s perspective but from a person with autism, who desperately needed that when I was a child.
I got my diagnosis in 2016 when I was 15, and I’m very aware that I’m one of the “luckier” women who got their diagnosis “early” but I still had to deal with 15 years of bad.. well, everything - getting bullied back from the start of my going to school, having a friend from kindergarten who was manipulative and gaslighting, and a bunch of shit with my dad. All of this might have happened if I wasn’t autistic but I don’t think so. I’m a very sensitive person and all of these things made my life is bad that I.. well hated it here so much that I had to go to the emergency psychiatric clinic, which then resulted in my multiple diagnoses and my autism diagnosis.
Well sorry for loading all of that in your comments😂 all I wanted to say was that I think your son will one day look back at everything you’re doing to make his life easier and be grateful. And also that it makes me so proud that we as a society have come far enough that parents are beginning to change the way they treat their ND children to make their lives in this NT world easier. It really made me tear up ❤❤❤
This means everything to me! Thank you for sharing your experience and validating my action to protect him. Never apologize for sharing in the comments, it means so much. Thank you ❤
Thank you so much for sharing, I think this is a really important, all-encompassing topic. It has to do with you, your son and other people who we can't control, it's like the perfect concoction of events to make sure I overthink ALL DAY. But you absolutely handled this like a champ. I am not a mom, so I don't know if I would have been able to keep my cool, but mom or not, I can't imagine ever telling someone else what's right or wrong for their child. Hopefully that comment gave that individual the gratification they were clearly looking for. It screams "I am a better mom," from someone who simply doesn't know either one of you. I personally would be doing the same thing of going back and forth on what I could/would/should have done differently but you handled it exactly in a way that was right for you both at that time and it's funny because the lack of response, probably bothered them.
From a different perspective, when I was a kid, I was very quiet and easily overstimulated in crowded places (I have no diagnoses) and it just wasn't something that was recognized or regarded. My sister was always super outgoing, so everyone just called me "anti-social," which I grew to hate because that's not how I felt. I can imagine that had my mother been able to handle situations like the way you handled this one with your son, I wouldn't have always been in survival mode. Always "fake it, till you make it...and I did" LOL. Your empathy and thought process is clear, humble and kind. Good won today :)
Thank you for every word you shared! ❤
I always find it ‘interesting’ that sometimes that we (adults) by default have different expectations for kids than we do for ourselves. If I am in a situation that I’m uncomfortable with, I take the opportunity to remove myself from that. Because I can. I don’t expect me to have to put up or deal with situations I don’t want to be in. We respect adults to have those kinds of boundaries for ourselves, and don’t call each other out the same way we would kids, but don’t offer that same understanding and respect to kids for needing/wanting/having those same boundaries and opportunities to remove themselves from situations they don’t want to be in. Sure there’s an argument that we need to be able to learn to cope in society. I would’ve gone down the snarky route if it was me, so well done 😂. You know your kid, and it’s up to you to teach and guide them and help them grow up with boundaries and balance, so go you - back yourself in!
Tim Walz’s “golden rule” mind your own damn business. Good advice, unfortunately it usually is not worth getting into the fray. You did good.
I know I sometimes judge other people's actions or issues. But how I feel about it is that everyone is allowed to think whatever they want about anything and everything. But people need to learn that you don't need to say it out loud. People need to keep their thoughts and opinions to themselves unless someone asks them for it.
I completely agree. I judge too and that’s fine and at the same time, how I think doesn’t need to be put on anyone else. You put it much more eloquently. Thank you for sharing!
I have adhd ,social anxiety and ive been told im empathetic and i often maladaptive daydreaming because when you get so overstimulated, and cant leave you have to escape mentally to not be overwhelmed
And that person i dont think should have said anything but i do think to a extent it is good to expose them so they get used to it but at a slow pace cause then they get more used to the stimuli but not to much to fast
And i agree with whst you said people commenting on others patenting im going to be nice and assume they had good intentions but it seem they were being judgemental also as a boy who as a child cried easy i wonder if that played a role cause i remember people getting annoyed or making comments about me crying when i was 8 but not girls idk if that played a roll but just a thought
I feel like in the US (I am from Brazil) it is so common for people to approach others and give opinions on things. It can be for good or bad, but for me still is so strange. I didn’t spend much time there (10-15 day trips), but it happened multiple times with me in different cities. Definitely I am not used to it.
Regarding the situation, I can’t speak as a parent because I am not one, but I think you did great.
We are really strange over here and it’s validating to know that you felt that way too since you aren’t from here. Sending you ❤
The more I think about it, the more I'm pretty sure there is 2 kind of humanity : the empathic one and the ego one. And it's cool. BUT ! Empath knows how their acts can have consequences, and making other suffer (why we can't be mean to people even if they judge us 😅) so we respect limits without telling us where they are. And Ego one just don't (even if it's clear and loud, so difficult for them !)
They did adapt well in this world, so yes they don't need reparenting, tenderness, compassion or such - Good for them -
But 2 humanities means also sharing the same place ! This world seems now to be at their image, like it seems to belong to them... but no ! It's for both. They can call it "the real world" and denigrate the other one, but who's not grumpy about sharing their toys ? 😂
Thank of sharing this. Love so much your channel - the space comments also : just a proof the 2nd world exist for real ❤
You’re doing AMAZING.
Learning to have boundaries and even more specifically that I could have them and that didn’t mean I was being rude or selfish for respecting my own limits was so important to me… I too used maladaptive daydreaming to create a safe place for myself while growing up so I also get what Laura said, it really was a reparenting process, to validate myself and whoever questioned it I would have the exact words I needed in my mouth. I guess in your situation I would either explain the situation (I mean, if they can talk they can listen to right?) and the thing is people don’t wanna argue, they just want to say whatever and go on so me explaining would probably just annoy them (Sorry, it sounds terrible but that’s the first thing I thought! 😂 If they wanna talk about anything they at least have to be aware of what they’re talking about, explaining would probably just point out their ignorance that what I would go for to shut them up) or just be “the bigger person” and play nice just saying “thanks for your concern, but we’re fine” and just leave, you know? Like, you know your son’s needs and boundaries and this is between the two of you, what other people say doesn’t really matter so no need to give them attention. Now, personally, for a long time I felt quite neglected or unimportant whenever my parents didn’t fight or defended me in these moments of emotional regulation, my sister on the other hand hated any sort of conflict so it’s more important to her to be reassured and taken away from that space, so I guess you should pay attention to how your son feels when that happens and what they’d like you to do. One thing I would like to add is how lucky your son is, you making sure he’s seen and that he has the safe space is really so important. I believe when you do what you’re doing you’re also teaching the kid that it’s okay to stand up for themselves, that they matter too. You’re not only a great professional but also a great mom and a great person, hope to see your workbooks soon!
Making me cry!! Thank you ❤
I find that backseat parenting seems to be unfortunately pretty common these days, but slightly less so amongst Gen Z parents. But maybe that's just because most of Gen Z aren't really "old enough" per se to be parents on average; I'm technically Gen Z & I just turned 25 yesterday (when you posted this, actually! 😯), but I have had friends from high school who became parents at young ages, so yeah. I don't know. I mention this because that lady's behavior that you talked about at the end of the video did sound like backseat parenting to me.
I wonder if its usually something that comes from a place of good intentions; I like to think that it is... but that doesn't really make it all that less annoying, at least in the moment. :/ lol
I wonder if people maybe end up thinking its okay to say their input "tips" like that when they see other parents potentially struggling, because maybe they're thinking of the saying "It takes a village to raise a child." And honestly, there is some truth to that of course, but I think some people sort of just take it too literally & then it becomes rude or invasive.
...aaaaaaand then there are some instances where the folks who put their two cents in are actually just super entitled jerks that cannot be reasoned with. Which I have personally come across before (should be noted that I don't have kids personally but still), but all that to say, I'm not claiming the lady you were describing at the end of the video is someone who's super entitled & unreasonable or anything. She probably had good intentions (hopefully at least), but, tbh, as mean as this may (& hopefully doesn't) sound... She still needs to stay in her lane!
There's absolutely nothing wrong with how you handled it. Sure it may have been a bit extreme if you were to have actually said "F off" out loud, but you didn't, and it's a natural response to think that in your head given the context of everything, I think. You did the most mature & rational thing I can think of, really.
As for what she said though, about how kids "need to be exposed" to all the things of the world that aren't all sunshine & rainbows, or however she put it. When you mentioned she said that, all I could think is this thought process along the lines of:
"Yeah, but like... He already WAS exposed to it just now. He is now familiar with the experience of witnessing this sort of thing. Why does that suddenly mean he should force himself/be forced by anyone to sit through it while he's wildly uncomfortable to say the least? How does that help anyone? Wouldn't it be better to teach him that he has the freedom to go somewhere else and center himself in what he wants to do, as long as no one's getting hurt by what he's doing? If that means going home, then so what if going home is gonna make him feel happier & recuperated today? Isn't that what you want for kids???"
That got wordy for sure so I apologize lol, but still. I figure that says it all, really. I also love how you acknowledged that autistic people can certainly be quite empathetic, too.
(& as someone who doesn't officially have a diagnosis of being on the spectrum but is pretty sure I most likely am autistic to some extent, just based on how I - usually quite strongly - relate to almost every single symptom I've seen of the condition as a whole, it does hit close to home for me, as well, as I have always been intensely empathetic, to the point of self-sabotage in the heavily people-pleasing sort of way. Huge reasons as to why I grew up being a Swiftie/relating to Taylor's music as well lol)
I hope you & your son are doing well too of course 💖 (& also I don't blame anyone if they don't want to read this long of a comment, but if you've read this far down then thank you so much oh my goodness ✨)
Great comment. And yes, I read ALL of it, lol.
Mere, I really like your videos like this when something inspires you to share your thoughts in one video, not necessarily reactions to songs/videos. I cannot wait til your workbook comes out. I'm on the healing journey and want to reparent myself. I just don't know where to start initially in order to go thru the motions, you know? Any advice?
That man telling you not to protect him from the overstimulating sounds is like if he told you not to protect him from a hammer to the head. I was diagnosed as a small child, I am now almost 30. Every time it physically HURTS. It isn’t not liking it. It isn’t a matter of it gets better with exposure. It is a matter of not wanting to feel intense physical pain. I wish people would understand that about sensory sensitivities.
I'm only sensitive to certain sounds. I have very sensitive hearing. I believe I have something called Misphonia. - Misophonia is a disorder in which certain sounds trigger emotional or physiological responses that some might perceive as unreasonable given the circumstance. Those who have misophonia might describe it as when a sound “drives you crazy.” Their reactions can range from anger and annoyance to panic and the need to flee.
Yes, I believe that’s what he has. ❤
I'm going to give you a different perspective. Maybe the person wasn't being judgmental. They may have thought they were offering helpful advice. I think when we are worried about being judged we jump to worst case scenario. They may not have realized that your child was on the spectrum. Should they have kept their thoughts to themself? Absolutely, but they weren't necessarily being negative. I deal with this being overweight and having struggled with weight all my life. I get all sorts of helpful advice, but my thought always is "have you ever had to lose even 2 pounds your entire life?" Only we know our struggles. It's easy to resent people even though they may not be acting from a bad space.
Totally agree 🤍
The person may have not been acting from a bad place, but it's still none of their damn business. Their motivation may have been okay but their actions sucked.
@@chrismcmurry8508 I totally agree. Most people don't realize their advice may not be wanted or appreciated. And not being there, I can't assign a good or bad to their motivation because I didn't hear the words or the tone in which they were said. I was just pointing out that Mere's reaction could be because of her perceptions vs. reality. She was protecting her child (brava Mere!). And that's how it should be.
It sounds to me like you taught your kid that it's OK to leave a situation. That other person seemed to think we should not listen to our instincts and force people to stay in situations that aren't good for us. Also, I know what you mean about over explaining vs. F off . Lol. I'm trying to learn what is right in that situation.. I wayyyyyy over explain even to bullies.