Deep down we're all protecting our ego, narcissists or not. When we lose ego we become psychotic. The thing is how to build and protect a functional, safe ego
@@eprd313Omg. That makes so much sense. One UA-cam psychiatrist-in-training uses the term "dissolution of ego boundaries" in describing psychosis. I never connected the dots on that. [Like, it *literally* is losing the ego and kinda being left with what's left. Also I know all models are wrong but some are useful/capture a lot of the truth which I think applies here.] And why defense mechanisms are so important (even if they also cause harm). Thanks for your comment! Also thanks for the video and I appreciate your openness, insight, and vulnerability (even during times where you're very guarded. That's still vulnerability in my book. You're still risking being seen more) TNN if you read this ^^
considering he got exposed for still being a white supremacist and abusing people in his life behind the scenes, I have no idea why you’d still want to watch a guy who literally still uses the freaking N Word. Gotta love the enablers
I went no contact when he didn’t seem to stop disrespecting me and continued thinking he can Just keep doing whatever he wanted and disregarding my feelings, as well as calling my bluff thinking I would never leave him. The final straw was when he flipped out at me and kicked me out of the car at midnight in a shady neighborhood. That was the last time he saw me.
Jacob, I cannot express how much I appreciate your honesty & vulnerability in your videos!! I just haven’t seen honesty to this level, anywhere else. You truly deserve all the healing you seek. You have made a HUGE impact on my own healing journey over the last few weeks and because of you, I now see and understand my ex like never before (I mean this in a positive way). You talking today took me back 4 months when I walked away. I literally felt paralysed by his lies and had to make a decision that day….it was either him or my future. All of a sudden it was so black & white to me that I had to choose. This is the first time I’ve commented on any of your videos and I’ll be totally vulnerable & honest with you too….I utterly adored the man and still do. I feel SUCH sadness that we’re not together. I accepted him for who he was….but I just couldn’t tolerate the lies. I gave him the ultimatum to own up to his lies or never contact me again….and he chose the latter. PLEASE keep going with your channel….not just for me, but I see from the comments what a difference you’re making to other people’s lives too. Thank you!!! Nikki.
My boy friend said he would never marry me and only wanted to be friends after having sex with me.....he was cruel....sadist .....I went no contact....in spite of the fact that he used me he got mad because I didn't send him a Christmas card......he values no one....people are only there for his pleasure.....he is a user.......again I went no contact......
It is more than 1 out of 100. It is 99 out of 100. Life is short and spending life on futility is not healthy. It may not be the answer that narcissists want to hear- it is hard to know your behaviors/disorder, which you did not ask to have, makes you very harmful towards others, but it is the truth for anyone who doesn't wish to get caught up in the drama and pain. You don't have to go no contact, but if you want to be a healthy person who is not wasting their precious time on this planet on someone else's toxicity, then there really is no other option. I am sure that is a lonely place for a narcissist to be in- but it is no-one else's burden to bear.
@@pi-1089 People are allowed to be selfish to preserve themselves. If I encounter a starving polar bear, I am allowed to deny it the opportunity to eat me, knowing it will die if it does not. Choosing myself does not make me a bad person- even though it is, in fact, a selfish act.
@@Twinkie989 Of course, you are allowed to be selfish. I still can judge you for it. To clarify: I think it is totally fine to go no contact with a narcissist (or anyone, that is not good for you). It's the specific message you wrote as a response to this specific video that I take issue with. Maybe watch the video again to understand where I'm coming from. That would be extraordinary.
@@pi-1089 I did watch the video. I realize the creator deals with a mental illness that he wishes went a different way because he is in touch with how this is impacting him. I applaud him for starting to do the hard work, but there are still a lot of cracks in his thinking. He has a long way to go. Those with his illness who are further along recognize they need to stay away from others so they won't hurt them. I recognize it is a terrible illness. Doesn't mean we relax our standards in how we allow people to exist in our lives.
@@Twinkie989 I admit, I had little hope that you would engage with the point. Still I'm sad that you didn't. Or maybe couldn't. Anyway, have a good one.
I've had to go "no contact" with a few close family members, but never have I done it because of "narcissism." Sometimes you realize you're really not getting along with a person, and that there's no point in continuing to have an active relationship.
@@websurfer5772 To be honest, I think narcissism is way way overused as a word. There will always be large percentages of the population who tend to be more self-centered and self-interested, but if you've ever been around a truly narcissistic person, it feels like a mental illness... it has all the vibe of "something wrong", like really wrong with their mental functioning, and the level of self-absorption and the pervasiveness of having to paint everything in terms of glory and importance is truly odd and striking. I think, just like we started opening the floodgates to "autism spectrum," what we're really doing, today, is opening the floodgates to the equivalent of an "aspergers" to Narcissism, or narcissism spectrum. Once you do that, you start to ignore and detach from appreciating the truly odd and striking / weirdness of the actual mental illness that is true narcissism. I do think we've diluted the category by trying to apply it to everyday people who just happen to land in the narcissistic "spectrum."
I had someone hurt me DEEPLY. For years I fought with myself to stay in no contact because that was to protect myself from subjecting myself again and not having self respect. I am happy to say… I’m at a point now I can be around my ex as we work together, and we keep arms length and he’s a lot nicer to me this far away…. But I needed the space away for a long time before I could get to this space. I won’t ever go back but I am professional with him.
My sister is a narc. I just figured this out. Her behaviors are so erratic. Her facial expressions are out of this world. Her body language is bizarre and she’s always acting like she’s Mother Theresa in public.. she would try to bring me out of my comfort zone constantly. Trying to rattle me and I’m so laid-back. I went “NO CONTACT” a few months ago. Felt like I was dealing with a literal demon.
Best Video I have seen about no contact with a narcissist. With dignity to the unhealed wounds in all of us and without accusation to the "perpetrator"or "victim". Thanks and bless you.
Welcome back buddy! 🎉 was wondering how you were doing. Happy to see you are in a relationship. Terrific video, thoughtful reflections showing great maturity ❤
If it's not to personal would you mind making a video on how you got your diagnosis. I was told most people with ND don't ever seek a diagnosis. As someone who grew up with a suspected narcissistic mom. I wanted to say thank you! Thank for taking charge of your health and doing what you can to not unintentionally cause hurt to others. I wish you all the best!
It was hard to go no contact with my narc sister. I never thought i would ever do something like that, but i knew she would not be able to treat me like a valued person in her life anytime soon and i couldnt bare even 1 more mistep by her. If she said 1 more condescending, critical, or invalidating comment to me, i would have exploded and thats not healthy or what i want for my life
Honestly, I have been watching you over time. This is one of the most vulnerable videos you have made. You may not notice when you become it, but I see it. You have been changing over time, and you have more recognition for your thoughts and actions is better.
My therapist (T) told me she wouldn't have put up with as much as I did. But I always used to put up with everything because the Ns in my life are charming, intelligent, fun, interesting, helpful, creative, talented, beautiful people, and the last thing I wanted to have to do is to cut any of them out of my life. And yes, many are my family members as well as the family I married into. I don't believe I was co-dependent or had a savior complex though, and my T didn't either. She said there was nothing to Dx me with and she was a well-established clinician who had been practicing psychotherapy for decades. After seeing her for a few years she said it was them, not me. What really bummed me out was finding out that you don't just cut the N out of your life, like a one-and-done; you have to cut off everyone connected to them. That's why empaths end up all alone. Now everyone has different circumstances, but as time went on, I could see the wisdom in why I would have to do that, at least in my case, and my therapist completely agreed.
@@WhatEver-tx7px Who exposed him? Jacob often talks about what a terrible person he is, he personally exposes himself lol We know what kind of person he is, we see the terrible parts of him and still love him. I don’t understand what you're trying to achieve
It is an heart wretching situation if love is involved. If you love the person but most of the time the interaction left you drained, sad, angry and frustrated, no contact is peace. You have to decide who is gonna survive. But you are gonna feel bad for a long time. If you don't give a f*** about the person and they make your life a mess, no contact is compulsory. No pain after.
@@NikkiGrantham No contact back and forth for almost four year with the man who I felt deeply in love with. Now this time seems different. Maybe I am more resolute than ever or is a perception about him. Still in love but he's not.
what should I do? he cheated for months, lied whenever I tried to talk or ask about them girls so i gathered evidence, confronted him, he cried silently and went away (i also wasn't very good to him, didn't give much attention properly, sometimes was too busy, we fought a lot in later stage, etc, i am too much at fault too which might have drove him towards there) we were in contact because our families are friends, he acted very nice and respectful and helpful, but at times certain comments or situations or his ways like sexual comments on me, once asking me if we could be fwb, etc always triggered me and made a chaos in my head, but as a friend to hang out with or to talk, he was very good, hence i kept the contact but one day the chaos got better of me and i went no contact after saying that i jeed peace and to move on and blocked him everywhere but, i wonder if i should unblock, or like he is going through some tough times should i talk and remain in contact to at least support even if he isn't telling me details.
@@Yaayy896 I have been in a similar situation. When he asked me to be fwb I knew that something was off and he never gonna choose me to become his official partner. But I had less than you. We go out on date or to have fun, three time in a year. Our family are strangers and his friends know nothing about me. I went no contact many times in four years, I 've blocked him several times but I failed. He came back every time with no excuses, no change, nothing. My advice Is to move on and stay no contact. It hurts I know but Is the only solution. I' m still in recovery
I missed your videos they make me feel less alone knowing that someone sort of knows what I’m dealing with because I feel like normal people don’t understand
I'm a NT and have been binge-watching your videos lately. Thank you so much for helping me get a better, more compassionate understanding of NPD, especially because I grew up with such a warped idea of what it actually constitutes. Hope you're doing well!
I absolutely agree that it’s a very personal choice to go no contact or not. I’m sorry to hear about your friend cutting you off unexpectedly. I’m so proud of you for respecting what your friend had to say, you’re learning. Great to see another UA-cam video from you& your latest Instagram post recently too. Every situation is different and your right some are more likely to handle more. Thanks for all the time you take learning& listening to others and sharing your knowledge and experiences. This videos very important impactful, and insightful for people who have had someone or have someone in their life not right for them and their life because you understand the difficulties of them going no contact or staying no contact or even thinking about it. You understand well that if no contact occurs it’s not an easy decision and if someone stays it s going to take a lot of commitment, empathy, patience, listening and understanding.
When you heal the trauma (emotional neglect in my case) I find that I needed to block the person bc the whole thing was finally integrated, I simply didn’t have interest for the mood fluctuations or wasting my time with hoovers for nothing
I’m so glad you made a video about this topic. Definitely no contact is not the only option. Sometimes just taking a break from a person can be an option ( look at it as a temporary no contact). If someone is a danger to you, this can be another story for how you handle your situation. People need to realize that cluster B people can easily hurt themselves including ending their life. Having any type of mental illness doesn’t define who a person is. The name of the illnesses are there so professionals can better know how to navigate treatments, medications, and therapies for their patients. I used to be so scared of people who have cluster b issues because of all the information I have come across on the internet. Thank Jacob for educating people through your own experiences. The learning is in the listening and the healing is in the sharing.
I think if a narcissist isn't willing to take feedback on how their behavior affects you personally, then you do have to accept that you can't change that about them. At that point I do think it's on them and you should be focused on minimizing the harm to you, and no contact is the only way to get that harm to 0. But this is basically true of everyone. If people aren't willing to change problematic behavior, you have to accept you can't change them. As someone who is at least partly avoidant attachment style, I'd also say that just because you can put up with some behavior doesn't mean you should. If you are asking yourself "how much can I handle before going no contact? ", you should probably half that amount, just to make sure your not putting up with more than you actually want to
Thank you for your video's "10 things Narcissists don't understand" really opened my eyes as to why my ex reacted the way he did to certain things It all makes sense now
Caring for "narcissistic" people is so fraught - I'll always care about them though right?? So yes, have to choose when/how/what I have available for them ❤️
My brother and his son have it, started out I could only do one, as there is no way on earth I could do both...then I went no contact on both. I am so so much happier not having to deal with them. I can just imagine the dramas and abuse they both would have put me through had I not (from the years of abuse I previously suffered). In life just pick your tribe, make sure its not a pack of mindless f'king wolves that will tear you apart for fun.
Given that apparently 1 in 6 people are narcissistic/narcissists, it would be impractical to go NC with them all, I guess it's when your connection with them is affecting you negatively in a sustained way that NC might be the best decision.
Hey Nameless Narcissist, It’s very inspiring you are healing from this horrible illness that causes so much mental damage to people around you I have a very covert, depressive narcissist in my basketball team. He is always trying to put me down to feel better about himself. He is very obvious with it and may be on the spectrum cos he doesn’t hide his ego very well like a lot of narcs do. How can I get rid of this guy from my basketball team? It’s really toxic having him around cos I have been through some really tough times and he legit feeds on that. It’s really bad how toxic he is
Wow 9:30 "Oh, are you going to get mad" "Come on, hit me so we can call the cops on you", repeating the same thing over again. All of those extremely irritate me and I did *not* realize those could be triggers. Thank you. It's also nice to hear you say "You can leave them over the stupidest thing and I wouldn't judge you". I know deep down you do care but as someone who has had the opposite problem (i.e., feeling guilty leaving and having not done it) a lot in the past, it's nice to hear someone say the opposite out loud. I have a lot of internalized anger about it "lol". Therapy/resources/hearing other's experiences and perspectives helps though
It kinda is the only thing you can do. Narcissists need to bottom out in order to search for answers. The truth hurts. You can’t hit rock bottom if someone is down there holding you up.
I went no contact for 3 years and the emails wont stop. I now need a restraining order. Fly ti barcelona to get the police involved. Why doesn’t he get it?
I love your content. I've been binge watching it for the past week, haha. I can relate to you in some ways because I clearly have narcissistic traits(might have the diagnostic). I wanted to ask if you could make a video about your experience in treatment. ❤️❤️
Hey Jacob - I do think it seems you're making positive growth to a more well rounded view of people (less heirarchical and black and white.) Definitely a big step on the journey being able to handle a perceived rejection with reasonable logic - I think what you were looking for the words for is the idea that people caught in narcissistic state of being require others to have a lot of capacity to receive them, and that other people realistically just can't always fulfill a narcissists need to be received. Capacity is the key word. As someone more prone to narcissism you have to learn to spread and manage your need to be received across a lot of people who have the capacity to receive you compassionately - not to receive you as you want to be seen. Keep channelling your thinking towards the idea that you're valid for just existing - and every attempt to put someone else before yourself is you being more than what you've decided you are, a narcissist. Even as a narcissist - a smart narcissist would know the best path to being truly loved is to be a truly lovable person - not an illusion of one.
I think it’s time when the defensive structures are impenetrable. When they’re only interested in blame games and not problem solving. When their projection is really strong and they disown their own feelings.
Hi! Watching you from France, I love your content, it makes me understand better what I went through with my ex… I think I am quiet bpd type, so…it was a pretty rocky relationship ! Thank you for your vulnerability, that makes me feel unconditionnal love for you and my ex… If narcissists could be more vulnerable towards people, I am sure they would find the connection and security they desperately crave for… Thank you again Jacob!! ❤️ Sophie
I do enjoy your content. I have my own issues, no idea if there is a diagnostic on it, some NPD symptoms i recognize in me, some not at all, that has completely wrecked my social and professional life, and yeah, i am too much for most people, it is what it is. In the end, NPD people are ... people ... with nuances, don't essentialize them. Exercise your own judgment, don't defer to an authority, take responsibility and own how you contributed to conflicts, to your own demise, recognize when you did "sign the contract" that was presented to you, don't whip yourself for it, but own it.
hey man, its really cool to watch how you've developed over the last year. ive been watching since december 2022 or jan 2023 when you wrote me a message on my website. i think this is the first time ive commented tho, cool shiz
I have a former landlord that's pretty narcissistic who I feel ruined my life. I had a decent job in town. He packed ten people in a four bedroom place and was incredibly difficult to live with. I still harbor quite a bit of resentment. He pressured me to leave and stole a bunch of my stuff on my way out. The only other place I had was relatives out of state so I had to leave my job
Depends on the positions, important to remember narcissists think very hierarchically and superiors vs subordinates can determine alot in how such a dynamic would go down
You seem like a cool guy on camera. I don't think that I'm a narcissist, but I find myself relating to a lot of what you talk about. My best friend of two years was a covert narcissist. I believe my brother is an overt narcissist.
One question, how do I make a narcissist lose interest? like look for another supply, I just rejected the bro he won't leave me alone, I already blocked him and he keeps coming back with fake accounts. I'm pretty sure he wants revenge but I don't care
Depends so much on the situation indeed. In a lot of cases going no contact, will just trigger a reaction (not necessarily only in a narc) from anyone. If your goal is to get peace from a toxic person, just a little to minimal contact works way better then cutting someone completely off. That will only cause them to obsess over you and trigger them to reach out. Not everybody deserves to be spoken to, yet at the same time, it will probably save you quite a bit of trouble when you distance yourself without triggering an unnecessary conflict. That probably works best when dealing with a toxic neibourgh, family member or coworker. This idea of no contact is the only solution to all narcs is kinda silly I think. It will only make you look like a very uncooperative person to others and give a narc ammo to use against you. It should be used wisely indeed
It’s very hard to maintain a connection w/a former partner when after years loving you leaves “overnight”…not really--was grooming this rotten tooth girl, we both know and cheated on me and then played me for seven months, while also w/ her. At this point I told him in so many words that unless it’s something that concerns me I’m not interested. I want to ask you, Jacob, is there a better option than that?
Hi! Could you organize a video on the best way to maintain a narcissistic friendship? I never met him in person and it's been 8 years soon of knowing him. I went no contact for almost a year, May 31st. I saw him message me 2 times in October and November and I recalled what you said about olive branch reaching out. He absolutely exhausted me and I needed a break. I'm trying to learn all I can on how to reproach him this time as he's an unaware narcissist and I know we will just fight and I'll get blocked AGAIN -_- I haven't been able to find a good structured video on maintaining a friendship and dos or don'ts. We're 2 very stubborn strong headed people and we clash bad...he does listen eventually and he told a mutual friend of ours I was his bestfriend but denied it when I asked. How do I keep the friendship stable as much as possible? I haven't broken contact yet as I want more information on if it's worth it. Thank you!
Hi J, I'm from the NPD sub, you might know me ;) good to see you back! Are you in therapy btw? I liked your videos from the beginning on when I started my own NPD journey about 1 1/2 years ago. I relate to the trigger in relationships thing. Relationships are like the, most intense experiences you have with another person. I have an ex who triggered like, all my fucking childhood wounds and ripped open my intestines from the inside out. But in my experience, the beginning and honeymoon phase is always awesome and what goes up must come down again so uhhh idk. It always ends in shambles I gyess or things go ot shit espc. because we tend to be with other cluster B's who trigger the hell out of us. I don't know lol I'm still hurt from that ex
another thing i would be curious about: why did some of your friends say that they need not to be too close to them? could you dig on that, please? lot of (bad) material online about romantic partners, but not so much about friendships
What you are saying would make a lot of sense if you are dealing with a person that has emotional regulation. Unfortunately narcissistic do not have that. So therefore emotional abuse comes with the territory. That’s why they use No Contact. When people deal with narcissists, they actually come to this conclusion themselves, without therapy, without UA-cam, without instagram videos. It’s because of the inner feeling you start to feel when dealing with narcissists. It almost make u feel Gorry, dark, out of body experience. Like a weird dream but you’re awake. In other words it feels off. So the feeling of no contact is just something people go thru when they leave because honestly, they don’t like what they experience with that person. I don’t think u understand that. How ever You feel inside, you transfer that feeling to your environment. Mainly significant other. A feeling they don’t have and has never had. That is why they run to No contact. That feeling you feel with a narcissist. It’s not normal. To you Yes. You had a reason to create the false self. But most people only have a self, so to them. That’s not normal. I understand your point tho. And I understand how that can hurt.
I went no contact because I started hurting myself in the sense that she went back to her husband and started posting happy stuff with the husband she cheated on with me... blocked her everywhere because that hurt me and I was hurting myself seeing this.
What about when the narcissist has new supply during discard? Mine monkey branched, had a smear campaign but doesnt say anything bad about me to his family? He says he doesnt wanna talk to me but all I have heard since discard is him saying "nobody likes you" to me? Hes ghosted me the whole time except when I made him get his stuff out my shed 😅 its confusing
I canceled a vacation / travel plans two weeks before with a narc friend (partially because they were being controlling about the itinerary and a little bit of an ahole etc.) and they cut contact me off. Would this be more normal for someone with npd?
My narc spouse instigated no contact for many weeks now. This is of course also harmful to our 3 small children. Have explained that but she doesn’t seem to care. What would be a sensible response please? At this stage I also stopped talking since whatever problem I have with it, she seems to enjoy it and even double down on it.
Mr. Nameless, What song(s) would do you think best represent your internal world / NPD generally? I'm collecting songs that are archetypal of the various personality disorders. So far, I've got Borderline: music.ua-cam.com/video/monD0hGWZcc/v-deo.html&si=yu1XsGjz-AIolMtY Schizoid: music.ua-cam.com/video/mPAdLr5irpk/v-deo.html&si=SYZ-SuAhNpzSt0FM I'm thinking Lady Gaga's 'Applause', or maybe Meghan Trainor's 'Me Too' for NPD, but they only capture the elation side of it. I would appreciate your thoughts. Or any others you think might be appropriate for the other PDs. Thanks!
Unrelated. You may have already talked about this. But as a narcissist, how do you handle a negative perception of you from your audience? Do you struggle with it or does it not bother you. I know in the past you said you'd argue online to an extent. But I'm curious
For me the point of going no contact has been when they seem to be aware of what they're doing but still don't care.
That's a really good rule of thumb to use as a red line
Definitely.
And if they aren't trying to get better, they don't care, no matter what they say.
Once you know, you go . . .
I really appreciate you being honest.. be it for your own personal ego or to actually help others.
Little of both at this point LMAO
Deep down we're all protecting our ego, narcissists or not. When we lose ego we become psychotic. The thing is how to build and protect a functional, safe ego
@@eprd313Omg. That makes so much sense. One UA-cam psychiatrist-in-training uses the term "dissolution of ego boundaries" in describing psychosis. I never connected the dots on that. [Like, it *literally* is losing the ego and kinda being left with what's left. Also I know all models are wrong but some are useful/capture a lot of the truth which I think applies here.] And why defense mechanisms are so important (even if they also cause harm). Thanks for your comment! Also thanks for the video and I appreciate your openness, insight, and vulnerability (even during times where you're very guarded. That's still vulnerability in my book. You're still risking being seen more) TNN if you read this ^^
i genuinely missed hearing your opinions and experiences
so glad you didn't go no contact with youtube
considering he got exposed for still being a white supremacist and abusing people in his life behind the scenes, I have no idea why you’d still want to watch a guy who literally still uses the freaking N Word. Gotta love the enablers
@@ghostrecon3834 you think it’s true tho ? I just seen the Reddit post about it
I went no contact when he didn’t seem to stop disrespecting me and continued thinking he can Just keep doing whatever he wanted and disregarding my feelings, as well as calling my bluff thinking I would never leave him. The final straw was when he flipped out at me and kicked me out of the car at midnight in a shady neighborhood. That was the last time he saw me.
Proud of you, sis💕
You survived; good for you.❤
My half brother has it and I got tired of the years of insults and put downs so had to go no contact .
Same with my sister. 56 years was long enough to wait for her to change.
Jacob, I cannot express how much I appreciate your honesty & vulnerability in your videos!! I just haven’t seen honesty to this level, anywhere else. You truly deserve all the healing you seek. You have made a HUGE impact on my own healing journey over the last few weeks and because of you, I now see and understand my ex like never before (I mean this in a positive way).
You talking today took me back 4 months when I walked away. I literally felt paralysed by his lies and had to make a decision that day….it was either him or my future. All of a sudden it was so black & white to me that I had to choose.
This is the first time I’ve commented on any of your videos and I’ll be totally vulnerable & honest with you too….I utterly adored the man and still do. I feel SUCH sadness that we’re not together. I accepted him for who he was….but I just couldn’t tolerate the lies. I gave him the ultimatum to own up to his lies or never contact me again….and he chose the latter.
PLEASE keep going with your channel….not just for me, but I see from the comments what a difference you’re making to other people’s lives too.
Thank you!!!
Nikki.
My boy friend said he would never marry me and only wanted to be friends after having sex with me.....he was cruel....sadist .....I went no contact....in spite of the fact that he used me he got mad because I didn't send him a Christmas card......he values no one....people are only there for his pleasure.....he is a user.......again I went no contact......
It is more than 1 out of 100. It is 99 out of 100. Life is short and spending life on futility is not healthy. It may not be the answer that narcissists want to hear- it is hard to know your behaviors/disorder, which you did not ask to have, makes you very harmful towards others, but it is the truth for anyone who doesn't wish to get caught up in the drama and pain.
You don't have to go no contact, but if you want to be a healthy person who is not wasting their precious time on this planet on someone else's toxicity, then there really is no other option. I am sure that is a lonely place for a narcissist to be in- but it is no-one else's burden to bear.
That is a selfish point of view, especially when expressed after having watched this video full of nuance.
@@pi-1089 People are allowed to be selfish to preserve themselves. If I encounter a starving polar bear, I am allowed to deny it the opportunity to eat me, knowing it will die if it does not. Choosing myself does not make me a bad person- even though it is, in fact, a selfish act.
@@Twinkie989 Of course, you are allowed to be selfish. I still can judge you for it. To clarify: I think it is totally fine to go no contact with a narcissist (or anyone, that is not good for you). It's the specific message you wrote as a response to this specific video that I take issue with. Maybe watch the video again to understand where I'm coming from. That would be extraordinary.
@@pi-1089 I did watch the video. I realize the creator deals with a mental illness that he wishes went a different way because he is in touch with how this is impacting him. I applaud him for starting to do the hard work, but there are still a lot of cracks in his thinking. He has a long way to go. Those with his illness who are further along recognize they need to stay away from others so they won't hurt them. I recognize it is a terrible illness. Doesn't mean we relax our standards in how we allow people to exist in our lives.
@@Twinkie989 I admit, I had little hope that you would engage with the point. Still I'm sad that you didn't. Or maybe couldn't. Anyway, have a good one.
I've had to go "no contact" with a few close family members, but never have I done it because of "narcissism." Sometimes you realize you're really not getting along with a person, and that there's no point in continuing to have an active relationship.
But I betchya they're pretty far along on the N scale though.
@@websurfer5772 To be honest, I think narcissism is way way overused as a word. There will always be large percentages of the population who tend to be more self-centered and self-interested, but if you've ever been around a truly narcissistic person, it feels like a mental illness... it has all the vibe of "something wrong", like really wrong with their mental functioning, and the level of self-absorption and the pervasiveness of having to paint everything in terms of glory and importance is truly odd and striking. I think, just like we started opening the floodgates to "autism spectrum," what we're really doing, today, is opening the floodgates to the equivalent of an "aspergers" to Narcissism, or narcissism spectrum. Once you do that, you start to ignore and detach from appreciating the truly odd and striking / weirdness of the actual mental illness that is true narcissism. I do think we've diluted the category by trying to apply it to everyday people who just happen to land in the narcissistic "spectrum."
I had someone hurt me DEEPLY. For years I fought with myself to stay in no contact because that was to protect myself from subjecting myself again and not having self respect.
I am happy to say… I’m at a point now I can be around my ex as we work together, and we keep arms length and he’s a lot nicer to me this far away…. But I needed the space away for a long time before I could get to this space. I won’t ever go back but I am professional with him.
My sister is a narc. I just figured this out. Her behaviors are so erratic. Her facial expressions are out of this world. Her body language is bizarre and she’s always acting like she’s Mother Theresa in public.. she would try to bring me out of my comfort zone constantly. Trying to rattle me and I’m so laid-back. I went “NO CONTACT” a few months ago. Felt like I was dealing with a literal demon.
@aline728 I’m still amazed by her behavior and that was two months ago.
That's why Jesus was often saying, "Get behind me, Satan."
Best Video I have seen about no contact with a narcissist. With dignity to the unhealed wounds in all of us and without accusation to the "perpetrator"or "victim". Thanks and bless you.
Welcome back buddy! 🎉 was wondering how you were doing. Happy to see you are in a relationship. Terrific video, thoughtful reflections showing great maturity ❤
If it's not to personal would you mind making a video on how you got your diagnosis. I was told most people with ND don't ever seek a diagnosis. As someone who grew up with a suspected narcissistic mom. I wanted to say thank you! Thank for taking charge of your health and doing what you can to not unintentionally cause hurt to others. I wish you all the best!
I had to go No Contact. I felt like I had to always protect myself. I felt unsafe.
Friends... absolutely never . ...stay narcing over there ....STAY NO CONTACT...GIVE THE NARCISSIST NOTHING
It was hard to go no contact with my narc sister. I never thought i would ever do something like that, but i knew she would not be able to treat me like a valued person in her life anytime soon and i couldnt bare even 1 more mistep by her. If she said 1 more condescending, critical, or invalidating comment to me, i would have exploded and thats not healthy or what i want for my life
Honestly, I have been watching you over time. This is one of the most vulnerable videos you have made. You may not notice when you become it, but I see it. You have been changing over time, and you have more recognition for your thoughts and actions is better.
My therapist (T) told me she wouldn't have put up with as much as I did. But I always used to put up with everything because the Ns in my life are charming, intelligent, fun, interesting, helpful, creative, talented, beautiful people, and the last thing I wanted to have to do is to cut any of them out of my life. And yes, many are my family members as well as the family I married into.
I don't believe I was co-dependent or had a savior complex though, and my T didn't either. She said there was nothing to Dx me with and she was a well-established clinician who had been practicing psychotherapy for decades. After seeing her for a few years she said it was them, not me.
What really bummed me out was finding out that you don't just cut the N out of your life, like a one-and-done; you have to cut off everyone connected to them. That's why empaths end up all alone. Now everyone has different circumstances, but as time went on, I could see the wisdom in why I would have to do that, at least in my case, and my therapist completely agreed.
You're back😭❤️
For now atleast!! Hahaha
Hes gonna be back till he gets exposed again for what a terrible person he is
@@WhatEver-tx7px its really strange to know someone is diagnosed with NPD and then need to expose them for having NPD. Like, duh.
@@WhatEver-tx7px Who exposed him? Jacob often talks about what a terrible person he is, he personally exposes himself lol We know what kind of person he is, we see the terrible parts of him and still love him. I don’t understand what you're trying to achieve
@@queencersei1 look it up at the famous forum site that starts with R. Cant even type the site in any censored way lmao
It is an heart wretching situation if love is involved.
If you love the person but most of the time the interaction left you drained, sad, angry and frustrated, no contact is peace. You have to decide who is gonna survive. But you are gonna feel bad for a long time.
If you don't give a f*** about the person and they make your life a mess, no contact is compulsory. No pain after.
“gonna feel bad for a long time”….this is SO true! ❤️
@@NikkiGrantham
No contact back and forth for almost four year with the man who I felt deeply in love with. Now this time seems different. Maybe I am more resolute than ever or is a perception about him. Still in love but he's not.
what should I do?
he cheated for months, lied whenever I tried to talk or ask about them girls
so i gathered evidence, confronted him, he cried silently and went away
(i also wasn't very good to him, didn't give much attention properly, sometimes was too busy, we fought a lot in later stage, etc, i am too much at fault too which might have drove him towards there)
we were in contact because our families are friends, he acted very nice and respectful and helpful, but at times certain comments or situations or his ways like sexual comments on me, once asking me if we could be fwb, etc always triggered me and made a chaos in my head, but as a friend to hang out with or to talk, he was very good, hence i kept the contact but one day the chaos got better of me and i went no contact after saying that i jeed peace and to move on and blocked him everywhere
but, i wonder if i should unblock, or like he is going through some tough times should i talk and remain in contact to at least support even if he isn't telling me details.
@@Yaayy896 I have been in a similar situation. When he asked me to be fwb I knew that something was off and he never gonna choose me to become his official partner. But I had less than you. We go out on date or to have fun, three time in a year. Our family are strangers and his friends know nothing about me.
I went no contact many times in four years, I 've blocked him several times but I failed. He came back every time with no excuses, no change, nothing.
My advice Is to move on and stay no contact. It hurts I know but Is the only solution.
I' m still in recovery
Very painful but very necessary
I missed your videos they make me feel less alone knowing that someone sort of knows what I’m dealing with because I feel like normal people don’t understand
Pleasant surprise to have u back. I see growth in you Jacob for accepting this persons explanation. I understand it’s a battle 😂👍🏻
muito obrigada Jacob por ser transparente conosco,nos mostrando o outro lado 🙏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
I'm a NT and have been binge-watching your videos lately. Thank you so much for helping me get a better, more compassionate understanding of NPD, especially because I grew up with such a warped idea of what it actually constitutes. Hope you're doing well!
I really like the way you explain these "phenomena",and the way you are able to make fun of them too. Cool job Jacob.❤
I absolutely agree that it’s a very personal choice to go no contact or not. I’m sorry to hear about your friend cutting you off unexpectedly. I’m so proud of you for respecting what your friend had to say, you’re learning. Great to see another UA-cam video from you& your latest Instagram post recently too. Every situation is different and your right some are more likely to handle more. Thanks for all the time you take learning& listening to others and sharing your knowledge and experiences. This videos very important impactful, and insightful for people who have had someone or have someone in their life not right for them and their life because you understand the difficulties of them going no contact or staying no contact or even thinking about it. You understand well that if no contact occurs it’s not an easy decision and if someone stays it s going to take a lot of commitment, empathy, patience, listening and understanding.
When you heal the trauma (emotional neglect in my case) I find that I needed to block the person bc the whole thing was finally integrated, I simply didn’t have interest for the mood fluctuations or wasting my time with hoovers for nothing
I’m so glad you made a video about this topic. Definitely no contact is not the only option. Sometimes just taking a break from a person can be an option ( look at it as a temporary no contact). If someone is a danger to you, this can be another story for how you handle your situation. People need to realize that cluster B people can easily hurt themselves including ending their life. Having any type of mental illness doesn’t define who a person is. The name of the illnesses are there so professionals can better know how to navigate treatments, medications, and therapies for their patients. I used to be so scared of people who have cluster b issues because of all the information I have come across on the internet. Thank Jacob for educating people through your own experiences. The learning is in the listening and the healing is in the sharing.
Also. Love the factual personal chats about thoughts and experiences.
I think if a narcissist isn't willing to take feedback on how their behavior affects you personally, then you do have to accept that you can't change that about them. At that point I do think it's on them and you should be focused on minimizing the harm to you, and no contact is the only way to get that harm to 0. But this is basically true of everyone. If people aren't willing to change problematic behavior, you have to accept you can't change them. As someone who is at least partly avoidant attachment style, I'd also say that just because you can put up with some behavior doesn't mean you should. If you are asking yourself "how much can I handle before going no contact? ", you should probably half that amount, just to make sure your not putting up with more than you actually want to
Thank you for your video's
"10 things Narcissists don't understand" really opened my eyes as to why my ex reacted the way he did to certain things
It all makes sense now
Caring for "narcissistic" people is so fraught - I'll always care about them though right?? So yes, have to choose when/how/what I have available for them ❤️
My brother and his son have it, started out I could only do one, as there is no way on earth I could do both...then I went no contact on both. I am so so much happier not having to deal with them. I can just imagine the dramas and abuse they both would have put me through had I not (from the years of abuse I previously suffered). In life just pick your tribe, make sure its not a pack of mindless f'king wolves that will tear you apart for fun.
They do love their squeaky toys - glad to hear you refuse to be one for them.
YES HE'S BACK
Given that apparently 1 in 6 people are narcissistic/narcissists, it would be impractical to go NC with them all, I guess it's when your connection with them is affecting you negatively in a sustained way that NC might be the best decision.
I really appreciate you. Thanks for posting.
Keep the videos coming my friend
Really happy to see you again, Jacob!!! 🌞🌞🌞
Good to see you back making videos!
I think you're a cool ,honest guy. Screw that narcissist stigma
Also screw meaningless destigmatizing if you don't even know the person.
Glad you're back man!
Honestly it felt really good to post a youtube vid again
Thanks for aaaaall that you are sharing 🙌
YES, you are back...
Good to know you are alive and kicking. 🎉🥳.
Good teaching video like almost always.
Greetings from the Netherlands (EU). 👌.
Welcome back ! Missed your input 😊
Aw thank you! Idk if I'll be back regularly yet but I'm working up to it. By September I'll def be back on the horse!
It is best to go no contact I have tried being near narcissist people and it does not work. Them people are weird.
Hey Nameless Narcissist,
It’s very inspiring you are healing from this horrible illness that causes so much mental damage to people around you
I have a very covert, depressive narcissist in my basketball team. He is always trying to put me down to feel better about himself. He is very obvious with it and may be on the spectrum cos he doesn’t hide his ego very well like a lot of narcs do. How can I get rid of this guy from my basketball team? It’s really toxic having him around cos I have been through some really tough times and he legit feeds on that. It’s really bad how toxic he is
I love this!
You nailed it!
Glad you are back.
Wow 9:30 "Oh, are you going to get mad" "Come on, hit me so we can call the cops on you", repeating the same thing over again. All of those extremely irritate me and I did *not* realize those could be triggers. Thank you. It's also nice to hear you say "You can leave them over the stupidest thing and I wouldn't judge you". I know deep down you do care but as someone who has had the opposite problem (i.e., feeling guilty leaving and having not done it) a lot in the past, it's nice to hear someone say the opposite out loud. I have a lot of internalized anger about it "lol". Therapy/resources/hearing other's experiences and perspectives helps though
hello again, welcome back, i was missing your videos! went to check a couple times if you'd uploaded again
It kinda is the only thing you can do. Narcissists need to bottom out in order to search for answers. The truth hurts. You can’t hit rock bottom if someone is down there holding you up.
I went no contact for 3 years and the emails wont stop. I now need a restraining order. Fly ti barcelona to get the police involved. Why doesn’t he get it?
I love your content. I've been binge watching it for the past week, haha. I can relate to you in some ways because I clearly have narcissistic traits(might have the diagnostic). I wanted to ask if you could make a video about your experience in treatment. ❤️❤️
I had one and one session with him. He is an absolutely amazing person and very honest with me. Thank you so much
When is it time to go NO contact?? The sooner, the better. Don't waste any more time because it will not get any better, and YOU need to heal.
The first time the narc abuses you normally it’s verbal go no contact it only gets worse
Xcellent Jacob thanks
Hey Jacob - I do think it seems you're making positive growth to a more well rounded view of people (less heirarchical and black and white.)
Definitely a big step on the journey being able to handle a perceived rejection with reasonable logic - I think what you were looking for the words for is the idea that people caught in narcissistic state of being require others to have a lot of capacity to receive them, and that other people realistically just can't always fulfill a narcissists need to be received. Capacity is the key word.
As someone more prone to narcissism you have to learn to spread and manage your need to be received across a lot of people who have the capacity to receive you compassionately - not to receive you as you want to be seen.
Keep channelling your thinking towards the idea that you're valid for just existing - and every attempt to put someone else before yourself is you being more than what you've decided you are, a narcissist.
Even as a narcissist - a smart narcissist would know the best path to being truly loved is to be a truly lovable person - not an illusion of one.
Welcome back!
Thank you!!!
A narcissist saying his last relationship was “super healthy” should be taken with a massive grain of salt, sorry
Ah, welcome back to UA-cam! 👋
I think it’s time when the defensive structures are impenetrable. When they’re only interested in blame games and not problem solving. When their projection is really strong and they disown their own feelings.
Hi! Watching you from France, I love your content, it makes me understand better what I went through with my ex… I think I am quiet bpd type, so…it was a pretty rocky relationship !
Thank you for your vulnerability, that makes me feel unconditionnal love for you and my ex…
If narcissists could be more vulnerable towards people, I am sure they would find the connection and security they desperately crave for…
Thank you again Jacob!! ❤️
Sophie
Thanks for the insight ❤
I do enjoy your content. I have my own issues, no idea if there is a diagnostic on it, some NPD symptoms i recognize in me, some not at all, that has completely wrecked my social and professional life, and yeah, i am too much for most people, it is what it is.
In the end, NPD people are ... people ... with nuances, don't essentialize them. Exercise your own judgment, don't defer to an authority, take responsibility and own how you contributed to conflicts, to your own demise, recognize when you did "sign the contract" that was presented to you, don't whip yourself for it, but own it.
A fitting topic for this video since you've gone no contact with us for 3 months! Ruuude.
😂😂😂
He got exposed for what a terrible person he is on reddit and went silent for a while bcs of that
hey man, its really cool to watch how you've developed over the last year. ive been watching since december 2022 or jan 2023 when you wrote me a message on my website. i think this is the first time ive commented tho, cool shiz
I have a former landlord that's pretty narcissistic who I feel ruined my life. I had a decent job in town. He packed ten people in a four bedroom place and was incredibly difficult to live with. I still harbor quite a bit of resentment. He pressured me to leave and stole a bunch of my stuff on my way out. The only other place I had was relatives out of state so I had to leave my job
Sorry about your friend bud 😢
If I am confident about being able to keep my personal boundaries, can I safely interact with a narcissist professionally?
Depends on the positions, important to remember narcissists think very hierarchically and superiors vs subordinates can determine alot in how such a dynamic would go down
For me its just hard to know if my narc situationship is consciously doing hurtful things or not. Always feel a bit paranojd about that
Did anyone have a problem with this video in terms of it not showing up in their notifications,
You seem like a cool guy on camera. I don't think that I'm a narcissist, but I find myself relating to a lot of what you talk about. My best friend of two years was a covert narcissist. I believe my brother is an overt narcissist.
welcome back Jacob x
Hopefully It'll stick to being back this time! LOL
he fooled me and acted like he loved me and now I find out he is gay./bisexual....went no contact
One question, how do I make a narcissist lose interest? like look for another supply, I just rejected the bro he won't leave me alone, I already blocked him and he keeps coming back with fake accounts. I'm pretty sure he wants revenge but I don't care
This is my same story. I moved to a different CONTINENT and have been in no contact for 3 years. He still harasses via email and IG fake accounts
Depends so much on the situation indeed. In a lot of cases going no contact, will just trigger a reaction (not necessarily only in a narc) from anyone. If your goal is to get peace from a toxic person, just a little to minimal contact works way better then cutting someone completely off.
That will only cause them to obsess over you and trigger them to reach out. Not everybody deserves to be spoken to, yet at the same time, it will probably save you quite a bit of trouble when you distance yourself without triggering an unnecessary conflict. That probably works best when dealing with a toxic neibourgh, family member or coworker. This idea of no contact is the only solution to all narcs is kinda silly I think. It will only make you look like a very uncooperative person to others and give a narc ammo to use against you. It should be used wisely indeed
It’s very hard to maintain a connection w/a former partner when after years loving you leaves “overnight”…not really--was grooming this rotten tooth girl, we both know and cheated on me and then played me for seven months, while also w/ her. At this point I told him in so many words that unless it’s something that concerns me I’m not interested. I want to ask you, Jacob, is there a better option than that?
Hi! Could you organize a video on the best way to maintain a narcissistic friendship? I never met him in person and it's been 8 years soon of knowing him. I went no contact for almost a year, May 31st. I saw him message me 2 times in October and November and I recalled what you said about olive branch reaching out. He absolutely exhausted me and I needed a break. I'm trying to learn all I can on how to reproach him this time as he's an unaware narcissist and I know we will just fight and I'll get blocked AGAIN -_- I haven't been able to find a good structured video on maintaining a friendship and dos or don'ts. We're 2 very stubborn strong headed people and we clash bad...he does listen eventually and he told a mutual friend of ours I was his bestfriend but denied it when I asked. How do I keep the friendship stable as much as possible? I haven't broken contact yet as I want more information on if it's worth it. Thank you!
Hi J, I'm from the NPD sub, you might know me ;) good to see you back! Are you in therapy btw? I liked your videos from the beginning on when I started my own NPD journey about 1 1/2 years ago. I relate to the trigger in relationships thing. Relationships are like the, most intense experiences you have with another person. I have an ex who triggered like, all my fucking childhood wounds and ripped open my intestines from the inside out. But in my experience, the beginning and honeymoon phase is always awesome and what goes up must come down again so uhhh idk. It always ends in shambles I gyess or things go ot shit espc. because we tend to be with other cluster B's who trigger the hell out of us. I don't know lol I'm still hurt from that ex
another thing i would be curious about: why did some of your friends say that they need not to be too close to them? could you dig on that, please? lot of (bad) material online about romantic partners, but not so much about friendships
What you are saying would make a lot of sense if you are dealing with a person that has emotional regulation. Unfortunately narcissistic do not have that. So therefore emotional abuse comes with the territory. That’s why they use No Contact. When people deal with narcissists, they actually come to this conclusion themselves, without therapy, without UA-cam, without instagram videos. It’s because of the inner feeling you start to feel when dealing with narcissists. It almost make u feel Gorry, dark, out of body experience. Like a weird dream but you’re awake. In other words it feels off. So the feeling of no contact is just something people go thru when they leave because honestly, they don’t like what they experience with that person. I don’t think u understand that. How ever You feel inside, you transfer that feeling to your environment. Mainly significant other. A feeling they don’t have and has never had. That is why they run to No contact. That feeling you feel with a narcissist. It’s not normal. To you Yes. You had a reason to create the false self. But most people only have a self, so to them. That’s not normal. I understand your point tho. And I understand how that can hurt.
I would like to hear about therapy and what kind of therapy you do and so on. Is there already a video on that?
Can you make a video for people with NPD to move on from break-ups?
I went no contact because I started hurting myself in the sense that she went back to her husband and started posting happy stuff with the husband she cheated on with me... blocked her everywhere because that hurt me and I was hurting myself seeing this.
She didn't cheat on you, she cheated on her HUSBAND. She is MARRIED. What do you expect messing around with a TAKEN woman? You are truly disgusting.
What about when the narcissist has new supply during discard? Mine monkey branched, had a smear campaign but doesnt say anything bad about me to his family? He says he doesnt wanna talk to me but all I have heard since discard is him saying "nobody likes you" to me? Hes ghosted me the whole time except when I made him get his stuff out my shed 😅 its confusing
Gollum with pilot glasses and 80's haircut... always wanted to know how that looks like.
I really enjoy your content! my ex just tried a fake discard on me awhile back and I replied "real" do you think he’s done w me for good?😩
I can't jusge you but you don't seem bad at least in your videos.
Also your hair look relly good💇🏻♂️
I canceled a vacation / travel plans two weeks before with a narc friend (partially because they were being controlling about the itinerary and a little bit of an ahole etc.) and they cut contact me off. Would this be more normal for someone with npd?
My narc spouse instigated no contact for many weeks now. This is of course also harmful to our 3 small children. Have explained that but she doesn’t seem
to care. What would be a sensible response please? At this stage I also stopped talking since whatever problem I have with it, she seems to enjoy it and even double down on it.
I’d like to add that no contact feels below my standards.
11:58 ... therefore... "you have no *obligation* to stay". This idea of an obligation to stay in a relationship. Where does it come from?
In the video you indicated that you're a difficult person to be around. I'm assuming you mean being friends with, why do you say that?
Mr. Nameless,
What song(s) would do you think best represent your internal world / NPD generally?
I'm collecting songs that are archetypal of the various personality disorders.
So far, I've got
Borderline:
music.ua-cam.com/video/monD0hGWZcc/v-deo.html&si=yu1XsGjz-AIolMtY
Schizoid:
music.ua-cam.com/video/mPAdLr5irpk/v-deo.html&si=SYZ-SuAhNpzSt0FM
I'm thinking Lady Gaga's 'Applause', or maybe Meghan Trainor's 'Me Too' for NPD, but they only capture the elation side of it. I would appreciate your thoughts. Or any others you think might be appropriate for the other PDs.
Thanks!
❤❤❤ Jacob!!!!
Hey!!! it's good to see you! !
Unrelated. You may have already talked about this. But as a narcissist, how do you handle a negative perception of you from your audience? Do you struggle with it or does it not bother you.
I know in the past you said you'd argue online to an extent. But I'm curious
Couldn’t agree more.
another question: is it possible that a codependent is ALSO narcissist or have narcissistic traits?
Yes, I'm a covert narcissist and codependent
3 months since you last posted I thought something must’ve happened to u😭