When you start feeling disgust at someone who uses fake flattery and love bombing towards you, know you built healthy boundaries and will never fall for their tricks again, trust your gut. If a nice charismatic person feels off take it as red flag no matter how much everyone likes them.
@@D.S-b5f That’s the problem. At least in my case. I genuinely thought he was sincere and so did everyone who met him. My gut is always right but I actually tried to talk myself out of thinking something was wrong and doubted myself because of trust issues. I thought it was me! When I realized it wasn’t, my heart was already broken
Yes.... But how??? Any fab books or meditations you can reference. Its been a lifetime😵💫 of trying. Counseling, emdr, tapping. Journaling. Im just self caring with my dogs now. Im finally more warry. Bag the otimism. 😂 Im 69 years old. Even my biological son... The grandious narc Doctor😮💨
@francinematteson516 Idk, I guess it is just a process. One breakthrough I had was to stop talking to the person expecting a straightforward answer. Every conversation was the same old BS and runaround. I spent a couple of days keeping my own council. I looked at the issues I was having with this person and how this person behaves with other people. I realized this person doesn't treat other people who he wants to be friends with the way he treats me. I told him we weren't good enough friends to be dating each other. Then I had to look at who this person really is as opposed to who I wish they were or imagined them to be. I have to accept that that is who they are. The part that hurts is where they think it's acceptable to treat me that way.
@@francinematteson516 holistic healing works, but find a therapist with a good work reputation. Mine worked with co-creation, quantum physics, law of attraction, changing limiting beliefs; along those lines
No one wants to hear this answer, but it is so so true. I remember the day I realized it. I said this situation keeps happening to me over and over again. It's beyond the law of probabilities. I should have met at least one person in the lot who wasn't a narcissist. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. If it keeps on happening to you, then you have to be a part of the problem. These people can't come into my life without my consent, so on some level I am drawn to them. Then I thought harder, have I really not met other types of people? And then I saw even more of myself. Yes, I had been lying to myself. Yes, I had met different types of people, people that wanted to spend time with me, appreciated me. The problem was, I found them boring. The profile of person I was looking for was intelligent, well spoken, and full of excitement and energy. The sweep me off my feet person. And what did I think was going to happen? Well, we would keep on supporting each other and rising higher of course. Instead, I ended up on the floor, being swept up in the excitement, underneath their feet. That's the part I played in this. Allowing myself to be swept up and not giving myself the time to observe the person fully and then to make matters worse trying hard to get back to that initial state when I met them and not accepting the reality that the person that I was seeing now is who that person really is, not the person they initially presented to me. I had failed to give myself the gift of time. Well, that's the day I just stopped trying to have an intimate relationship with anyone altogether. I am simply not interested in investing the time to find out if that person really is who they appear to be. I have other things I can do with my time that will bring me joy. It's a solo journey anyway, from the moment we come into the world until the moment we die. It's always been an individual journey for everyone and anything else we tell ourselves is just an illusion. It's so easy to say evil narcissist, you know? It's 10,000 times harder to take a look at yourself and say what did I do that got me to this place? What part did I play? But I can assure you, if keep on pointing that finger at the narcissist and never stop to figure out what part you played in it, you're going to be stuck in that I am a victim trap forever and more and more narcs will come into your life to have you for breakfast, lunch and dinner, as long as you allow it or until they can find a tastier meal. This man speaks the complete truth.
I felt this so much I makes more sense to me .. its been me the whole time , not in a bad way but I know better im not blind to the behavior their behavior
Thank you for sharing all that. It is very insightful and helpful. 14 years entangled with a narc and I finally blocked him yesterday for what I hope is the last time. I hope I’m strong enough to stay no contact and do the inner work.
I think there's absolutely nothing wrong with looking for the qualities you (and I) looked for, but yes the error is not accepting it is a lie! Even time can't save us. I have been dupped over a long enough time frame enough times. In fact relying on time alone can be dangerous as we begin to accept the bad things. But there WERE signs, there always are, some deception or incongruity, that we choose to ignore.
@@evapawlowska i agree. There were those WTF moments and instead of heeding my inner voice, I chose to dismiss it as he's having a bad day and im going to forgive like i would like to be forgiven when i make a mistake. But then something else occurred and i did the same thing. Yes, plenty of red flags but I am excellent at being an excuse machine for others. Thats who i am and it been quite a journey to get that into balance. Now, is it a bad thing to be forgiving? Not at all. But that same quality can be used against u unless u are aware that that's how u roll. I think a lot of people misinterpret when a counselor says that it wasnt just the narcissist, that u have a hand in it as well, and take that as a oh, u are excusing the narc's behavior. Not at all. Their behavior is selfish, hurtful, and lots of other adjectives. He's not excusing it. But our own personal attributes contribute to getting trapped in the situation to begin with and letting it go on for as long as it sometimes does and that's not excusable either because we each have an individual responsibility to take care of ourselves and that includes not becoming lunch for those predatory types that walk among us. I should have listened to my inner voice sooner. That was my survival instinct screaming at me over a danger that I did not yet see. But Im glad that i learned the lessons, even though the process really sucked.
A narcissist mirrors you and you fall in love with yourself. Anyone would, you have nothing to fix. What you need to watch for: a) instantly liking the person before you really know anything about them; b) still somehow liking the person even after observing things about them you normally would really not like in anyone else. Whenever you feel immediately charmed by someone, take a step back and be cautious. They are mirroring you expertly and this is why you feel so at ease and in tune with the person, like they're your 'soul mate.' They are not, nor does such a thing exist.
My heart goes out to EVERYONE trauma bonded right now. You CAN heal. Ive had it twice. I almost left this earth. 10 including my dad. 2 trauma bonds. You WILL recover yourself. Keep educating yourself.
@@GentlyJungle I know from experience how difficult it is to live through this is. It literally takes so much strength, every single day. One day at a time, and sometimes one breath at a time. I understand. From one survivor to another, stay strong, keep surviving, and hopefully, if you're not already, thriving. You are important.
@@GentlyJungle Oh my! Don’t do that! I do understand the deep hurt but they aren’t worth it. Stay strong. Good for you for healing and sharing your experience. Best of luck going forward 🙏🏻
How do they react when you put up a boundary? That should tell you everything you need to know. Regardless of how attracted you are to them, give it time. They'll show you who they are. They'll show you whether they respect your boundaries or not. See red flags. Walk away. Never go back.
Their reaction in my experience.... They probably hate you for it. They continue to test those boundaries as repetitively as "The most angry child imaginable". I had a brother in-law who I thought I enjoyed being around. Well when he was 14ish. He & I were shooting a BB gun. I had to correct him on his need to stop pointing "accidentally" pointing it at me... even if he were turning himself in the opposite direction. I corrected him more than 4 times... while I noticed his accidental aim was pointing more towards my head and face. I grabbed the gun from him, and spoke to him firmly. I could sense that his bad gun skills were intentional. So I said "if I find you aiming that towards me again.... I'm gonna knock you on your ass!". Sure enough after a few minutes of sitting on his back steps.... He was inspecting his scope and ammo. He was over dramatic in his body language, and accidentally? Had the business end of a loaded and pumped bb gun pointed at my face... under two feet away! So I slowly got my head out of the way, and then grabbed the riffle and proceeded to throw him on the ground. Would you know...that little brat took a shot at me while I was driving away! Three inches from hitting me in the throat! (I've got pictures of it.) I turned my car around and went straight back to his house. His Mom was waiting for me out front. I told her I was going gently teach him a lesson. She refused to let me in! I explained that he could have killed me! Still "nope your not doing anything to him" I said "then I'm going to the police" she responded... "Go ahead" but you assaulted a 14 year old and your a 20 year...an adult." When I tried to defend myself...that it wasn't assault...she stone walled me. That was my ex-mother in-law....leader of the cult of covert narcissist. The end
😂 ITS CRAZY BECAUSE THE BOUNDRIES I DIDNT MIND BECAUSE THEY WERE THINGS I DIDNT CARE😂 THAT SOUNDED LIKE CONTROLLING TO ME 😂 NO SOCIAL MEDIAS. I DONT USE IT MUCH ONLY FOR BUSINESS OF A NAIL TECH THE WAY IM ONLY ALLOWED TO DRESS NO TANKTOPS WELL OK JUST ADD A SWEATER AND HE SAID NO PUT A SHIRT THEN SWEATER 😂 THEN DIDNT LIKE WHEN I PUT MAKEUP OK IMA MAKUP ARTIST SO I LOVE TO DO IT BUT STOPPED ..THEN HE STATED NO FRIENDS 😂I DIDNY CARE CUZ I WORK AT A SPA SO IDC THEN HE SAID TO QUIT CUZ I WAS DOING WAXING OK MEN 😂 ALL THAT THEN I SAID WELL I RESPECT UR BOUNDRIES THAT ARE DUMB BUT NOW I ASK THE SAME😂 HE GOT SOO PISSED OFF 😂 I SAID WELL IF U DONT RESPECT MY BOUNDRIES THEN THERES NO NEED FOR ME TO RESPECT YOURS😂 IT WENT SOO BAD TO A TOXIC RELASHIONSHIP THAT I HAD TO END IT BECAUSE HE DESTROYED ME SLOWLY I WAS SOO BLIND THAT I FELT FOR HIS GAME BUT REFUSED TO CONTINUE PLAYING HIS GAME AND ENDED IT
@rebeccanatal1435 the key is always Time + Critically expecting our Narc's or covert Narcs to never stop their toxic attack on us.... Until we stand up to them, but You've gotta be prepared! Big time!
As we are changing so are the narcs, theyre developing at becoming more skilled at hiding their negative traits. So we think they're better than what we've experienced before but disappointingly theyre just the same but more cunning.
Which is why you simplify your life and how you see things. There is no middle ground. Right is right, wrong is wrong, what people call "unfair assumptions" are merely logical inferences. The only issue is that people aren't usually ready to be that strict even though it works, and people also get super pissed off because they feel attacked.
Guys. You better learn how to deal with these people in everyday life. They are everywhere. Work, personal, politics, family etc. Learn how to play the game. It isn’t about attracting narcissists. It’s about having a sharp mind and putting these people in check every day. It’s dangerous to go alone-take this 🗡️
Love it, on point, I live it every day, if we put the boundaries first on the table, the rest is an easy ride. I'm saying now, the best job I ever worked for, in reality is the best me ever been before. We see the changes through practice of our own reactions to a person or situation, I keep myself in check, when they cross the line I draw it again, n never get tired of it, the results r amazing. How can u get tired of amazing?!
They seem to be the only adults open to a new relationship and connection when everyone else is so guarded then you find out that they are manipulative and cruel. Now I finally know why nobody is open to new friendships and connections.
I'd argue many people are open to new relationships of all sorts, but they have learned to set boundaries and standards for what they're willing to accept and not accept. "All the lonely people, Where do they all come from? All the lonely people, where do they all belong?"
Narcissists are not good at hiding their dysfunction AT ALL. You're just so desperate to feel loved and so used to allowing everyone to step all over you that you just ignore the million signs they display that you are being manipulated and used.
Makes sense. I keep dating the same evil entity in different bodies. The last one was an anomaly, though: NO ONE has EVER been so kind to me but he used me, manipulated me, lied to me and used me in such a way that I didn't see what he was doing until it was too late and I fell in love with him more than I have ever loved anyone else. I need serious help. 😢
I think people in general are greedy. If you have anything, they want it. It's horrible . And why doesn't the counsellor here tell you how to re programme yourself?
@@LaurelBaum-x6x YES 🙏🏻😓 On the last day I saw him, I told him I needed to grieve. He mocked me, telling me HE grieved when his 24-year his junior ex girlfriend left him 😫 He downplayed me love for him. I am grieving deeply 💔
@@reneelyndamartinez1362 Walk away. Let it go. Accept that you are wrong and you have made an error of character judgement. Don't seek them again. Don't try to mend it. They don't have what you need.
Shadow work…yes. But once you’ve done enough shadow work….you realize your light is just admired from afar while wrapped in prideful hate at the narcissist’s lack of authenticity…and then they swipe at you in frustration at their lack of control over you.
Makes sense and I really think you're correct here Richard. I mean let's face it I've been the common denominator in all of my relationships. Twelve years with the covert, and now fifteen months no contact. I'm alone with plenty of time to think, read, pray and reflect on what happened with him AND the myriad of narcissistic boyfriends and even female friends I've had over the years. And yes, I'm beginning to see my part in it and noticing how I interact with other people - everyone from the FedEx delivery person to my handyman, to my neighbors, and friends. I'm beginning to notice my expectations of them, and such. It's small glimpses now and then but it's constructive and gives me food for thought about how to navigate people and what I should and can change about myself going forward. Thank you Richard!
He is bang on. We will feel a deep but warped connection with the person but its all about that early experience and our unconscious drive to re-experience it and end up with a happier outcome.
Never experienced it until the last two relationships .Two very different coverts .What pisses me off is that i once again ignored the red flags because he was such a sweet person ( filled with supressed anger towards his mother and most likely ex wife ( also very sweet apparently)) I made myself jystify his reaction to a situation which i knew was unreasonable ,insulting and controlling.I actually complied seeing it from his point of view rather than seeing the flag blowing crazily and getting out quick . Having been damaged by the previous covert i thought i d learnt my lessons and could recognise the traits .They draw you in these people in their guises of sweet calm so called reasonable behaviour again and again .If someone is different and intriguing that is very attractive but BEWARE !!!!
Narcissistic abusers are well aware of the amount of chaos and confusion they are causing. They learn your weaknesses and then begin to very slowly begin to show their true colours, after being a model gf/bf wher they play tricks on your reality. Often using threats of violence or going to court.
Yes. Richard is spot on with this! I am absolutely attracted to arrogant controlling men. I subconsciously chose them. And I take responsibility for that. I'm not a victim x
Yep the call is coming from inside the house. It wa a terrible pill for me to swallow when I started my journey tonhealing. And still some days I still struggle with accepting that truth.
They're like flies. It's not that your house keeps attracting flies, it's that you don't have any screens on your windows and you keep leaving the door open. They'll try to wiggle in anywhere they can. Boundaries are vital. And a good rule of thumb is: No person who is good for you tries to erode your trust in yourself. They celebrate, not denigrate. And they don't compete with you for joy.
That last paragraph...my mom, unfortunately. About to reach a major milestone and once I told her about it, the reaction had me questioning myself and my decision. But no. No more second guessing myself. I am the expert in my life.
No! I disagree with that. We don’t attract narcissists to us, they’re attracted people who generous, kindhearted people because they know we can’t say no so they can get whatever they want from us. Listen, I used to wait and put off cutting these vampire “friends”. The last time it happened it took me 3-4 months to see it and leave it ( and that was a woman and husband, so, yeah, it’s not just a domestic violence issue
Been there he knows it. I mean, I know he’s falling the trend right now with the narcissist honestly I already have seen his work beyond this the value of his brain. He is so much more than this narcissism on top. He has his ultimate respect for human behavior. He has respect for abuse. He has this insight this no matter how many waivers or how much she doesn’t really express how deep his knowledge goes. I saw him break down the CPTSD tour and that dynamic is the way that I mean this man is way beyond his UA-cam shorts and his topic. Now I understand I respect him either way, but I love him and he love his brain and the compassion that he has despite having to go along with system of things it’s amazing. He’s truly a blessing.
I have to be humble and finally agree with this: I am still a little bit addicted because of these scripts. I have to remember the pain again and again. Thank you Richard
I agree with that overall. But I would like to say one thing. If you grew up in a narcissistic household, you unconsciously radiate the damage you suffered. And that attracts narcissists or toxic people. I don't give in to that (anymore) and I don't feel attracted to it. But these guys are magically attracted to me, one person once told me, although I'm just annoyed by it and have set a boundary.
Lack of self differentation (what is up to me? What are my interests?) Emotional Fusion: every emotion in me is associated with a state of the narcissist. From now on every emotion I experience is projected to a person, group or outside object. To deal with undesired emotional states I try to change those people and objects, fix them or avoid them. My mind does not understand that my emotional state is not entangled with the state of an object or a random person. To understand that my emotions are not related in the way the stories in my mind suggests, is the only thing what is needed for healing. As your emotional mind stops blaming others healing has begun.
This is the only part of Richards work I can't agree with. It's not you. EVEN if you've terrible boundaries, you are not responsible for the harm that other people do. It's NEVER the victim's fault. Narcissists are master manipulators, very highly intelligent and socially aware. They've spent their entire lifetime honing their skills. Modern western society actively supports these kinds of people. They are excused, accepted and even at times celebrated. Their abuse is hushed up or ignored. There are more narcissistic people in the world than not narcissistic people. Those of us who are naturally loving, kind, generous, sharing and patient will always be at the highest risk of the fallout from these people. It's not our fault. Narcissists are monsters. They prey on everyone they meet, everyone. Most people cope by just passing on the harm/taking it out on other people. For those of us who don't do that, boundaries can help defend us, becoming more psychologically aware helps. Becoming slowly more emotionally self-sufficient and taking relationships at a snail's place helps. But none of it is full proof. We keep meeting them because they are so prevalent in our society. Self blame is not helpful. Taking responsibility for other people's abusive behaviour is not helpful. Supporting yourself to try to protect yourself is positive but remember, if you lived in a functional world, it just wouldn't be necessary.
Once I accepted my part in the addiction, I realized my “why” and “how” and now I’m implementing my “what now” it’s quite fascinating you know. Do the work, it all starts with you❤ don’t be afraid of the heavy lifting, it won’t kill you😂it’ll only feel like it.
For me, a big part of wanting the relationship with the N. to be a "good" one, a faithful, committing one does indeed reflect my relationship with my father, tbh. My father did have traits of a covert N. and bpd traits. He was mother enmeshed. And my grandmother treated my Mum poorly WHO came to live with my father from a foreign country. My Mum is such a sweet person, though being strong became codependent with her traits to being a fixer. Protecting us children by saying: everything is alright It was not.
I remember when I fully understood that it was me going towards them while pretending the opposite. Taking responsibility and not being a victim is very powerful.
This just happened to me! I legit stay in my house so I don’t attract them. Well the one little older lady who knew I just lost my mom, my dad was in the hospital for a bone marrow transplant… and because I allowed her to use my car one time she drove because said it’d broken down but really, she drove over 1000 miles within a month! I’ve had my car since 2021 and I haven’t put 1000 miles on it!
That’s what is happening to me right now! I’ve known for a while that it’s coming from me but have no idea how to change that script. I feel like I’m not strong enough. So my unconscious mind is revealing things in some very harsh ways, and the biggest thing is that I don’t need validation from anyone!
Always great content Richard . There’s an easy cure I’ve found . Stay single , just have decent friends! No romance . No head mess , no sex , no let downs , no trust issues etc etc 😊
I’m happy if that works for you but I don’t want to shut it all down. Doing that May mean I miss out on being loved and giving love. I can’t say I knew what NOD really was before but thanks to Richard I do now.
Shutting down is a good way to avoid yourself and working with and healing those parts of you. That's the point, the work is done internally. You can have healthy relationships when you have solid boundaries.
@ That is a very good point ! I’ve had some professional therapy and my boundaries are well in place now but all trust in men romantically has gone . Plus I’m 62 , so chances of me finding decent man are slim to say the least . Easier to just let it go . Try and find happiness in friends and family and ignore the longing heart.
@@Redpill1962you know, that's awfully sad....basically it means 'dont trust anyone ' I am Pagan so l am quiet and submissive and put my partner first. This attracts dominant people and my first partner was lovely for over 50 years. Now men are dreadful
I can only agree with this to a point. People with codependency issues are attractive subconsciously to people like myself with NPD. There is enough of you that you put out into the open that shows you're more easily manipulated and controlled than others. Those that are much more confident and boundary laden are much less attractive to a narcissist because their ideals and whims are not entertained nearly as easily.
Thanks for your comment, I really appreciate it. I'd even take it a step further. It's not only people with co dependency issues that are the attraction, it's anyone with an openness to connection. In my last (short lived) relationship the narcissist I met confused my openness to connection with co-dependent needs. He got a real shock when he realised I had boundaries, and could see through him. This happens to me a lot, people confuse my genuine interest in other human beings with a lack of interest in myself - and my capacity to be amenable with personal weakness.
I think the problem is 2 fold. For those of us who have been raised by narcissistic people have been brainwashed since birth to be in these relationships, and are unable to recognize what the problem even is, until something goes horribly wrong. 2nd, there's been a significant increase in high trait narcissism in the last 10 yrs, or so, with social media. I'm not saying the target isn't responsible in some way, get help, and learn to recognize the traits, so we can be better prepared to make healthy decisions we weren't taught in childhood, especially us scapegoats. However, there are more people who are narcissistic today, and that's one reason why we're still falling into it, especially with the coverts...oh and YES, we ARE actually magnets. Our hearts electromagnetic field is projected 10 ft around us, and our emotions are contained within that field. Quantum physics has proven this. So yes, some people are literally attracting narcissistic people because of their unhealed state, or some other reason.
This might be the scariest thing I’ve ever heard!! Please be more specific. I really think this is my first and dear god the last, narcissistic I have dealt with. He nearly destroyed me. HOW do we attract them??!! THIS IS TERRIFYING!!! I was alone for years. During which time, I worked on myself, had some therapy and truly thought I could handle anything. I was WRONG!!! HELP!!! Please. 🙏🏻🤞🏻 Or I’m going into a convent 🤦🏼♀️
I am thinking the same way as you. It's the most horrible way to live. Shutting down everything because of trust issues! It seems as tho this guy is advocating being hard and as horrible as a Narc!
@ Yes, this part confused me. I seriously have no experience with a narcissist and so absolutely terrified to go through it again. If I didn’t recognize it the first time, how do we apply any of these techniques before we get sucked in again? I know my wall is up again. Possibly forever. But should I ever put myself out there again, I need to know specifically what to look out for and when is someone being genuinely kind. Because this one could win an award! He had everyone fooled! It’s going to be a long time before I ever get over this. He literally destroyed me. I’m pretty tough. I can take a lot. But my heart is in pieces and now I’m going through the angry phase!! I feel like an idiot
There is a weird sense of gratification in it. engaging/rescuing that narcissist. That’s that voice, while somewhere you know, you shouldn’t…..hard to distinguish and cut out those super ego introjects. Gotta battle with yourself for that one to cut it out. After a life time, still batteling with that to stay on track
I’m so guilty of this too 😪 And I’ll see the red flags. I’m trying to do better but somehow in the back of my mind I still have that “better is the devil you know” kind of thing going on. (But I’m working on it) 🙏
Oh I know it’s me! I know it’s not me attracting narcissists - I’m attracted to them! I’m not a BPD - I was a child in trauma though. But I find ‘normal’ people so boring! And I don’t want yo find them boring! Can there please be videos on this because I don’t want to be bored unless I’m walking on glass!
love your honesty. There is a weird sense of gratification in it. engaging/rescuing that narcissist. That’s that voice, while somewhere you know, you shouldn’t…..hard to distinguish and cut out those super ego introjects. Gotta battle with yourself for that one
At least per my personal experience, I don’t know that’s entirely true. I’ve come into contact with narcissists I have barely begun any relationship with and end it, because I see issues. This has also begun happening, for the most part, in recent years. So, I believe other really important components are things like the Aging of America and the economy. I’ve seen narcissistic people, perhaps, be as I prepare as a great many of us, for aging and retirement. However, the aging narcissist, whether before or after they retire, is more likely to feel their retirement plan will just be to snatch up and take over the nearest warm body, to make up for their deficits, emotionally, psychologically, financially, etc.
Resolve your childhood repression, and you will no longer be attracted to them. "Resolving childhood repression is the vaccine against the charlatans [or malignant narcissists] of the world who exploit those who are still emotionally blinded by the unresolved, repressed emotions of the children they once were." -- Sylvie Imelda Shene quote from my book A Dance to Freedom: Your Guide to Liberation from Lies and Illusions page 172 Resolving childhood repression and becoming a seeing and a feeling person is like a double-edged sword. It protects you, but also makes you a target.
My experience, the narcissist forces you to see them. I'm taken aback when that happens. I recompose myself, knowing that there was more in that interaction than meets the eye. It would be the beginning of the narcissistic cycle, or in my case, hoovering, for what seems to be the thousand times. Again, she fails.
I tried to warn her....she didn't want to hear it. 7 years later I feel the sadness and the anger she must feel by now. His reality has had to have violated her spirit by now.
How is this possible if im on a dating site and they hit me up and it all looks legit? How is someone else reaching out to you make it your fault? Why does this seem like victim shaming
Because it is victim shaming. And I'll never be able to get on board with this mentality. It's so harmful. It's a rejection of the fundamental truth. -The ONLY person responsible for abuse is the abusive person. It's NEVER the victim's fault. I'll make changes in my life to try to defend myself from this in the future, but that's the key word isn't it, defend. I wouldn't have to defend myself if I lived in a non-violent world.
Bollocks - I've had one or two real nutters, but loads of brilliant girlfriends- the Narcissists pretend, they gaslight and they lure - and one can be ages into a relationship until they see a threat and go into manipulate and control mode or one susses them out.
I've observed this happening to someone. Narcissistic neighbour put all this BS on Facebook page, nothing like her real personality. Now her victim has woken up now he's married with a toddler. Feel sorry for him as he is a genuinely nice guy.
Yep. Once I realized it was me.. my fault.. everything became easier. I was allowing that abuse. I was accepting the bare minimum. Did I deserve any of that? No. But.. it was just as much my fault as it was theirs. I could have left. I stayed.
Well, as a number one magnet of narcissist and toxic and hurt people, I think from what I’ve been reading because I still haven’t conquered that it just comes down to boundaries self-esteem confidence, and having the world to freaking work on self for me from what I’m seeing it comes down the boundaries and I have established those things yet then again I became pregnant of my last toxic relationship and I’m dealing with that but thank God is awaken something in me that I no longer need or want anything I mean nothing besides the reason my child and I don’t know what happened with that trigger ed something in me anybody else or to get a bomb or to participate in that or basically I no longer need any validation if you need anything right now in desperate need to heal n to not damage my child
This is true you must trust your gut, in the early interactions, if you make excuses for their fakeness they will manipulate that without a conscience till you betraying your self for no benefit just a pawn to their cruelty
Every relationship has to work at it ... the key is the sorting and reasoning through it all. How your perceptions are formed in life come together as a couple, and it's not until you actually experience a shared life that you see each others conditioning and vices that get you through. As situations arise, especially when repeated, you start to see the limitations of your partner and self. Im not sure if I would call this attraction alone, more like shared familiarity with this dance of interaction. As I have grown older, Virtue and Vice speak volumes in defining my life, and that of others.
There are red flags - red flags I didn't know,but believe me I know them now. I as an empath fell into his life bc he came across as a "Victim " - not only that his ex was supposedly horrible, didn't have any communication with his children - red flag, extremely sloppy and disorganized - messy - another red flag for - depression - raging when drinking....- another red flag. Looking constantly at his phone - I mean constantly all day long - red flag - there are so many other red flags that I have learned after realizing my soon to be ex husband is a covert narc. Learn - read about this stuff so you can spot it early on - if you go into another relationship after leaving a narcissistic relationship - you haven't learned a thing........
I realised that I'm healthy when I kicked my ex out . I wasn't feeling good,like I used to,and I realised that the sound of his footsteps would raise my hair. It took relatively little time,mind over matter my friends.
What!??... I'm sorry (maybe I'm less intelligent) but I don't understand that answer at all... and I really need help w/understanding this Fully!! Especially because BOTH my parents are Narcs.... I have struggled w/this for years,, so I'm really trying to change - transform myself, my mind, and my understanding on this to overcome/defeat it
Healthy boundaries. Don't accept in your life what you wouldnt accept for your best friend. Know what you want and accept and what you don't want and don't accept and stick to it. Self-love, self-worth, self-forgiveness. Raise your standards whom you let into your life. Heal your inner wounds. Trust your own perceptions, what you know to be true. Raised by narcissists, you have been conditioned to believe that other people know better, are better, you are not good enough and should be forever grateful to them, being guildtripped, gaslighted for so many years etc. Break that cycle. It is a lie. The book of David D Burns Ten days to self-esterm is helpful. His Method can be used for any kind of problems and it works fast, but you need to do it in writing, really working with it, not just reading it.
When you start feeling disgust at someone who uses fake flattery and love bombing towards you, know you built healthy boundaries and will never fall for their tricks again, trust your gut. If a nice charismatic person feels off take it as red flag no matter how much everyone likes them.
People that "Love Bomb" make me very nervous and suspicious!!!
Love bombing is predatory behavior.
But l absolutely hate being suspicious of everyone. It makes me not want to interact with people. 😢
@@D.S-b5f That’s the problem. At least in my case. I genuinely thought he was sincere and so did everyone who met him. My gut is always right but I actually tried to talk myself out of thinking something was wrong and doubted myself because of trust issues. I thought it was me! When I realized it wasn’t, my heart was already broken
@@sandyv3890 I did same mistakes in the past but now cannot trick me as I feel disgusted at manipulation and love bombing.
❤😅 I love the way you call this out! You don't fix the other person you fix yourself. ❤
Yep, you give and give.. then finally walk a way!
They are simply triggering your unconscious unhealed wounds. Heal your wounds and the narcissistic triggers will stop showing up
Yes.... But how??? Any fab books or meditations you can reference. Its been a lifetime😵💫 of trying. Counseling, emdr, tapping. Journaling. Im just self caring with my dogs now. Im finally more warry. Bag the otimism. 😂 Im 69 years old. Even my biological son... The grandious narc Doctor😮💨
@francinematteson516 Idk, I guess it is just a process. One breakthrough I had was to stop talking to the person expecting a straightforward answer. Every conversation was the same old BS and runaround. I spent a couple of days keeping my own council. I looked at the issues I was having with this person and how this person behaves with other people. I realized this person doesn't treat other people who he wants to be friends with the way he treats me. I told him we weren't good enough friends to be dating each other. Then I had to look at who this person really is as opposed to who I wish they were or imagined them to be. I have to accept that that is who they are. The part that hurts is where they think it's acceptable to treat me that way.
@@francinematteson516 holistic healing works, but find a therapist with a good work reputation. Mine worked with co-creation, quantum physics, law of attraction, changing limiting beliefs; along those lines
No one wants to hear this answer, but it is so so true. I remember the day I realized it. I said this situation keeps happening to me over and over again. It's beyond the law of probabilities. I should have met at least one person in the lot who wasn't a narcissist. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. If it keeps on happening to you, then you have to be a part of the problem. These people can't come into my life without my consent, so on some level I am drawn to them. Then I thought harder, have I really not met other types of people? And then I saw even more of myself. Yes, I had been lying to myself. Yes, I had met different types of people, people that wanted to spend time with me, appreciated me. The problem was, I found them boring. The profile of person I was looking for was intelligent, well spoken, and full of excitement and energy. The sweep me off my feet person. And what did I think was going to happen? Well, we would keep on supporting each other and rising higher of course. Instead, I ended up on the floor, being swept up in the excitement, underneath their feet. That's the part I played in this. Allowing myself to be swept up and not giving myself the time to observe the person fully and then to make matters worse trying hard to get back to that initial state when I met them and not accepting the reality that the person that I was seeing now is who that person really is, not the person they initially presented to me. I had failed to give myself the gift of time. Well, that's the day I just stopped trying to have an intimate relationship with anyone altogether. I am simply not interested in investing the time to find out if that person really is who they appear to be. I have other things I can do with my time that will bring me joy. It's a solo journey anyway, from the moment we come into the world until the moment we die. It's always been an individual journey for everyone and anything else we tell ourselves is just an illusion. It's so easy to say evil narcissist, you know? It's 10,000 times harder to take a look at yourself and say what did I do that got me to this place? What part did I play? But I can assure you, if keep on pointing that finger at the narcissist and never stop to figure out what part you played in it, you're going to be stuck in that I am a victim trap forever and more and more narcs will come into your life to have you for breakfast, lunch and dinner, as long as you allow it or until they can find a tastier meal. This man speaks the complete truth.
I felt this so much I makes more sense to me .. its been me the whole time , not in a bad way but I know better im not blind to the behavior their behavior
Thank you for sharing all that. It is very insightful and helpful. 14 years entangled with a narc and I finally blocked him yesterday for what I hope is the last time. I hope I’m strong enough to stay no contact and do the inner work.
I think there's absolutely nothing wrong with looking for the qualities you (and I) looked for, but yes the error is not accepting it is a lie! Even time can't save us. I have been dupped over a long enough time frame enough times. In fact relying on time alone can be dangerous as we begin to accept the bad things. But there WERE signs, there always are, some deception or incongruity, that we choose to ignore.
@@evapawlowska i agree. There were those WTF moments and instead of heeding my inner voice, I chose to dismiss it as he's having a bad day and im going to forgive like i would like to be forgiven when i make a mistake. But then something else occurred and i did the same thing. Yes, plenty of red flags but I am excellent at being an excuse machine for others. Thats who i am and it been quite a journey to get that into balance. Now, is it a bad thing to be forgiving? Not at all. But that same quality can be used against u unless u are aware that that's how u roll. I think a lot of people misinterpret when a counselor says that it wasnt just the narcissist, that u have a hand in it as well, and take that as a oh, u are excusing the narc's behavior. Not at all. Their behavior is selfish, hurtful, and lots of other adjectives. He's not excusing it. But our own personal attributes contribute to getting trapped in the situation to begin with and letting it go on for as long as it sometimes does and that's not excusable either because we each have an individual responsibility to take care of ourselves and that includes not becoming lunch for those predatory types that walk among us. I should have listened to my inner voice sooner. That was my survival instinct screaming at me over a danger that I did not yet see. But Im glad that i learned the lessons, even though the process really sucked.
A narcissist mirrors you and you fall in love with yourself. Anyone would, you have nothing to fix. What you need to watch for: a) instantly liking the person before you really know anything about them; b) still somehow liking the person even after observing things about them you normally would really not like in anyone else.
Whenever you feel immediately charmed by someone, take a step back and be cautious. They are mirroring you expertly and this is why you feel so at ease and in tune with the person, like they're your 'soul mate.' They are not, nor does such a thing exist.
U r spot on!
Good insights!
Wow! Great phrasing. Thank you :-)
Very well said.
Except the last line :)
"It's you" is the bad news and the good news, rolled into one
My heart goes out to EVERYONE trauma bonded right now. You CAN heal. Ive had it twice. I almost left this earth. 10 including my dad. 2 trauma bonds.
You WILL recover yourself. Keep educating yourself.
Glad you're still here and didn't give up!!!
@Somewhere50 🥺💖 thank you, that actually really means a lot.
@@GentlyJungle I know from experience how difficult it is to live through this is. It literally takes so much strength, every single day. One day at a time, and sometimes one breath at a time. I understand. From one survivor to another, stay strong, keep surviving, and hopefully, if you're not already, thriving.
You are important.
@@GentlyJungle Oh my! Don’t do that! I do understand the deep hurt but they aren’t worth it. Stay strong. Good for you for healing and sharing your experience. Best of luck going forward 🙏🏻
How do they react when you put up a boundary? That should tell you everything you need to know. Regardless of how attracted you are to them, give it time. They'll show you who they are. They'll show you whether they respect your boundaries or not.
See red flags.
Walk away.
Never go back.
Their reaction in my experience.... They probably hate you for it. They continue to test those boundaries as repetitively as "The most angry child imaginable". I had a brother in-law who I thought I enjoyed being around. Well when he was 14ish. He & I were shooting a BB gun. I had to correct him on his need to stop pointing "accidentally" pointing it at me... even if he were turning himself in the opposite direction. I corrected him more than 4 times... while I noticed his accidental aim was pointing more towards my head and face. I grabbed the gun from him, and spoke to him firmly. I could sense that his bad gun skills were intentional. So I said "if I find you aiming that towards me again.... I'm gonna knock you on your ass!". Sure enough after a few minutes of sitting on his back steps.... He was inspecting his scope and ammo. He was over dramatic in his body language, and accidentally? Had the business end of a loaded and pumped bb gun pointed at my face... under two feet away! So I slowly got my head out of the way, and then grabbed the riffle and proceeded to throw him on the ground. Would you know...that little brat took a shot at me while I was driving away! Three inches from hitting me in the throat! (I've got pictures of it.) I turned my car around and went straight back to his house. His Mom was waiting for me out front. I told her I was going gently teach him a lesson. She refused to let me in! I explained that he could have killed me! Still "nope your not doing anything to him" I said "then I'm going to the police" she responded... "Go ahead" but you assaulted a 14 year old and your a 20 year...an adult."
When I tried to defend myself...that it wasn't assault...she stone walled me. That was my ex-mother in-law....leader of the cult of covert narcissist. The end
😂 ITS CRAZY BECAUSE THE BOUNDRIES I DIDNT MIND BECAUSE THEY WERE THINGS I DIDNT CARE😂 THAT SOUNDED LIKE CONTROLLING TO ME 😂 NO SOCIAL MEDIAS. I DONT USE IT MUCH ONLY FOR BUSINESS OF A NAIL TECH THE WAY IM ONLY ALLOWED TO DRESS NO TANKTOPS WELL OK JUST ADD A SWEATER AND HE SAID NO PUT A SHIRT THEN SWEATER 😂 THEN DIDNT LIKE WHEN I PUT MAKEUP OK IMA MAKUP ARTIST SO I LOVE TO DO IT BUT STOPPED ..THEN HE STATED NO FRIENDS 😂I DIDNY CARE CUZ I WORK AT A SPA SO IDC THEN HE SAID TO QUIT CUZ I WAS DOING WAXING OK MEN 😂 ALL THAT THEN I SAID WELL I RESPECT UR BOUNDRIES THAT ARE DUMB BUT NOW I ASK THE SAME😂 HE GOT SOO PISSED OFF 😂 I SAID WELL IF U DONT RESPECT MY BOUNDRIES THEN THERES NO NEED FOR ME TO RESPECT YOURS😂 IT WENT SOO BAD TO A TOXIC RELASHIONSHIP THAT I HAD TO END IT BECAUSE HE DESTROYED ME SLOWLY I WAS SOO BLIND THAT I FELT FOR HIS GAME BUT REFUSED TO CONTINUE PLAYING HIS GAME AND ENDED IT
You said the key word there... TIME. You have take three steps back and give it TIME. They will show you who they are.
@@leroymcdowelliv6693 Yes they enjoy pressing one's buttons.
@rebeccanatal1435 the key is always Time + Critically expecting our Narc's or covert Narcs to never stop their toxic attack on us.... Until we stand up to them, but You've gotta be prepared!
Big time!
Or maybe it's because narcissists are everywhere 😩
I'm thinking there is an epidemic of them especially among younger people.
As we are changing so are the narcs, theyre developing at becoming more skilled at hiding their negative traits. So we think they're better than what we've experienced before but disappointingly theyre just the same but more cunning.
Which is why you simplify your life and how you see things. There is no middle ground. Right is right, wrong is wrong, what people call "unfair assumptions" are merely logical inferences. The only issue is that people aren't usually ready to be that strict even though it works, and people also get super pissed off because they feel attacked.
Guys. You better learn how to deal with these people in everyday life. They are everywhere. Work, personal, politics, family etc. Learn how to play the game. It isn’t about attracting narcissists. It’s about having a sharp mind and putting these people in check every day. It’s dangerous to go alone-take this 🗡️
🎯
❤️
Just pinned🎯
Love it, on point, I live it every day, if we put the boundaries first on the table, the rest is an easy ride. I'm saying now, the best job I ever worked for, in reality is the best me ever been before. We see the changes through practice of our own reactions to a person or situation, I keep myself in check, when they cross the line I draw it again, n never get tired of it, the results r amazing. How can u get tired of amazing?!
They seem to be the only adults open to a new relationship and connection when everyone else is so guarded then you find out that they are manipulative and cruel. Now I finally know why nobody is open to new friendships and connections.
I'd argue many people are open to new relationships of all sorts, but they have learned to set boundaries and standards for what they're willing to accept and not accept.
"All the lonely people, Where do they all come from? All the lonely people, where do they all belong?"
Everyone else is in a long term committed relationship, able to make it work. The only available ones are the narcs and their victims.
hype put on relationships.. some times nice be alone self reflect ,, which them don't do !🎉
Never trust love bombing and too many compliments - that’s how they groom you .
Yes that’s scary
Narcissists are not good at hiding their dysfunction AT ALL. You're just so desperate to feel loved and so used to allowing everyone to step all over you that you just ignore the million signs they display that you are being manipulated and used.
Makes sense. I keep dating the same evil entity in different bodies. The last one was an anomaly, though: NO ONE has EVER been so kind to me but he used me, manipulated me, lied to me and used me in such a way that I didn't see what he was doing until it was too late and I fell in love with him more than I have ever loved anyone else. I need serious help. 😢
I think people in general are greedy. If you have anything, they want it. It's horrible . And why doesn't the counsellor here tell you how to re programme yourself?
Being willing to let go of the lies a d grieve what will not be.
@@LaurelBaum-x6x YES 🙏🏻😓 On the last day I saw him, I told him I needed to grieve. He mocked me, telling me HE grieved when his 24-year his junior ex girlfriend left him 😫 He downplayed me love for him. I am grieving deeply 💔
@@reneelyndamartinez1362 exchange grief for relief
@@reneelyndamartinez1362 Walk away. Let it go. Accept that you are wrong and you have made an error of character judgement. Don't seek them again. Don't try to mend it. They don't have what you need.
Shadow work…yes. But once you’ve done enough shadow work….you realize your light is just admired from afar while wrapped in prideful hate at the narcissist’s lack of authenticity…and then they swipe at you in frustration at their lack of control over you.
Makes sense and I really think you're correct here Richard. I mean let's face it I've been the common denominator in all of my relationships. Twelve years with the covert, and now fifteen months no contact. I'm alone with plenty of time to think, read, pray and reflect on what happened with him AND the myriad of narcissistic boyfriends and even female friends I've had over the years. And yes, I'm beginning to see my part in it and noticing how I interact with other people - everyone from the FedEx delivery person to my handyman, to my neighbors, and friends. I'm beginning to notice my expectations of them, and such. It's small glimpses now and then but it's constructive and gives me food for thought about how to navigate people and what I should and can change about myself going forward. Thank you Richard!
Are we related because I could've written those same words! Hi twin! 😂😢
He is bang on. We will feel a deep but warped connection with the person but its all about that early experience and our unconscious drive to re-experience it and end up with a happier outcome.
Never experienced it until the last two relationships .Two very different coverts .What pisses me off is that i once again ignored the red flags because he was such a sweet person ( filled with supressed anger towards his mother and most likely ex wife ( also very sweet apparently))
I made myself jystify his reaction to a situation which i knew was unreasonable ,insulting and controlling.I actually complied seeing it from his point of view rather than seeing the flag blowing crazily and getting out quick . Having been damaged by the previous covert i thought i d learnt my lessons and could recognise the traits .They draw you in these people in their guises of sweet calm so called reasonable behaviour again and again .If someone is different and intriguing that is very attractive but BEWARE !!!!
Narcissistic abusers are well aware of the amount of chaos and confusion they are causing. They learn your weaknesses and then begin to very slowly begin to show their true colours, after being a model gf/bf wher they play tricks on your reality. Often using threats of violence or going to court.
Yes. Richard is spot on with this! I am absolutely attracted to arrogant controlling men. I subconsciously chose them. And I take responsibility for that. I'm not a victim x
Yep the call is coming from inside the house.
It wa a terrible pill for me to swallow when I started my journey tonhealing. And still some days I still struggle with accepting that truth.
This was my exact thought as well. ☎️
Scary😢
They're like flies. It's not that your house keeps attracting flies, it's that you don't have any screens on your windows and you keep leaving the door open.
They'll try to wiggle in anywhere they can. Boundaries are vital.
And a good rule of thumb is: No person who is good for you tries to erode your trust in yourself. They celebrate, not denigrate. And they don't compete with you for joy.
Oh, I really like your comment. It's a great metaphor! Thank you.
And here I was thinking I was a piece of 💩
That last paragraph...my mom, unfortunately. About to reach a major milestone and once I told her about it, the reaction had me questioning myself and my decision. But no. No more second guessing myself. I am the expert in my life.
Absolutely. 100% .
No! I disagree with that. We don’t attract narcissists to us, they’re attracted people who generous, kindhearted people because they know we can’t say no so they can get whatever they want from us.
Listen, I used to wait and put off cutting these vampire “friends”. The last time it happened it took me 3-4 months to see it and leave it ( and that was a woman and husband, so, yeah, it’s not just a domestic violence issue
Been there he knows it. I mean, I know he’s falling the trend right now with the narcissist honestly I already have seen his work beyond this the value of his brain. He is so much more than this narcissism on top. He has his ultimate respect for human behavior. He has respect for abuse. He has this insight this no matter how many waivers or how much she doesn’t really express how deep his knowledge goes. I saw him break down the CPTSD tour and that dynamic is the way that I mean this man is way beyond his UA-cam shorts and his topic. Now I understand I respect him either way, but I love him and he love his brain and the compassion that he has despite having to go along with system of things it’s amazing. He’s truly a blessing.
I have to be humble and finally agree with this: I am still a little bit addicted because of these scripts. I have to remember the pain again and again. Thank you Richard
I agree with that overall. But I would like to say one thing. If you grew up in a narcissistic household, you unconsciously radiate the damage you suffered. And that attracts narcissists or toxic people. I don't give in to that (anymore) and I don't feel attracted to it. But these guys are magically attracted to me, one person once told me, although I'm just annoyed by it and have set a boundary.
That is my impression as well being raised by a narcissist.
Lack of self differentation (what is up to me? What are my interests?)
Emotional Fusion: every emotion in me is associated with a state of the narcissist. From now on every emotion I experience is projected to a person, group or outside object. To deal with undesired emotional states I try to change those people and objects, fix them or avoid them. My mind does not understand that my emotional state is not entangled with the state of an object or a random person.
To understand that my emotions are not related in the way the stories in my mind suggests, is the only thing what is needed for healing. As your emotional mind stops blaming others healing has begun.
This is the only part of Richards work I can't agree with. It's not you. EVEN if you've terrible boundaries, you are not responsible for the harm that other people do. It's NEVER the victim's fault. Narcissists are master manipulators, very highly intelligent and socially aware. They've spent their entire lifetime honing their skills. Modern western society actively supports these kinds of people. They are excused, accepted and even at times celebrated. Their abuse is hushed up or ignored.
There are more narcissistic people in the world than not narcissistic people. Those of us who are naturally loving, kind, generous, sharing and patient will always be at the highest risk of the fallout from these people. It's not our fault. Narcissists are monsters. They prey on everyone they meet, everyone. Most people cope by just passing on the harm/taking it out on other people. For those of us who don't do that, boundaries can help defend us, becoming more psychologically aware helps. Becoming slowly more emotionally self-sufficient and taking relationships at a snail's place helps. But none of it is full proof. We keep meeting them because they are so prevalent in our society. Self blame is not helpful. Taking responsibility for other people's abusive behaviour is not helpful. Supporting yourself to try to protect yourself is positive but remember, if you lived in a functional world, it just wouldn't be necessary.
I agree with you . Well said !!
Once I accepted my part in the addiction, I realized my “why” and “how” and now I’m implementing my “what now” it’s quite fascinating you know.
Do the work, it all starts with you❤ don’t be afraid of the heavy lifting, it won’t kill you😂it’ll only feel like it.
For me, a big part of wanting the relationship with the N. to be a "good" one, a faithful, committing one does indeed reflect my relationship with my father, tbh.
My father did have traits of a covert N. and bpd traits. He was mother enmeshed. And my grandmother treated my Mum poorly WHO came to live with my father from a foreign country.
My Mum is such a sweet person, though being strong became codependent with her traits to being a fixer. Protecting us children by saying: everything is alright
It was not.
I worked with a woman who had THE most terrible taste in men. She never seemed to learn from her mistakes.
I remember when I fully understood that it was me going towards them while pretending the opposite. Taking responsibility and not being a victim is very powerful.
You can always not get in a relationship at least while you're figuring yourself out.
This just happened to me! I legit stay in my house so I don’t attract them. Well the one little older lady who knew I just lost my mom, my dad was in the hospital for a bone marrow transplant… and because I allowed her to use my car one time she drove because said it’d broken down but really, she drove over 1000 miles within a month! I’ve had my car since 2021 and I haven’t put 1000 miles on it!
Fact ! I was just as sick in a direct 180 degree reality! So grateful I see it now ! Thank you Rich !
Thank you for being so honest.
That’s what is happening to me right now! I’ve known for a while that it’s coming from me but have no idea how to change that script. I feel like I’m not strong enough. So my unconscious mind is revealing things in some very harsh ways, and the biggest thing is that I don’t need validation from anyone!
I’ll just run from perceived charm and charisma and trust I’m not missing anything other than a setback.
Yep one of the toughtest pills for me to swallow. Getting rid of the victim mindset is necessary
Always great content Richard . There’s an easy cure I’ve found . Stay single , just have decent friends! No romance . No head mess , no sex , no let downs , no trust issues etc etc 😊
I’m happy if that works for you but I don’t want to shut it all down. Doing that May mean I miss out on being loved and giving love. I can’t say I knew what NOD really was before but thanks to Richard I do now.
Shutting down is a good way to avoid yourself and working with and healing those parts of you. That's the point, the work is done internally. You can have healthy relationships when you have solid boundaries.
@ That is a very good point ! I’ve had some professional therapy and my boundaries are well in place now but all trust in men romantically has gone . Plus I’m 62 , so chances of me finding decent man are slim to say the least . Easier to just let it go . Try and find happiness in friends and family and ignore the longing heart.
@@Redpill1962you know, that's awfully sad....basically it means 'dont trust anyone '
I am Pagan so l am quiet and submissive and put my partner first. This attracts dominant people and my first partner was lovely for over 50 years. Now men are dreadful
So true!!! I seek out emotionally unavailable people in order to replay my childhood and finally be seen! Never seems to work out though. 🤦🏼♀️😫
I can only agree with this to a point.
People with codependency issues are attractive subconsciously to people like myself with NPD. There is enough of you that you put out into the open that shows you're more easily manipulated and controlled than others.
Those that are much more confident and boundary laden are much less attractive to a narcissist because their ideals and whims are not entertained nearly as easily.
Thanks for your comment, I really appreciate it. I'd even take it a step further. It's not only people with co dependency issues that are the attraction, it's anyone with an openness to connection.
In my last (short lived) relationship the narcissist I met confused my openness to connection with co-dependent needs. He got a real shock when he realised I had boundaries, and could see through him. This happens to me a lot, people confuse my genuine interest in other human beings with a lack of interest in myself - and my capacity to be amenable with personal weakness.
I believe this 💯 % I don't trust my own judgment anymore 😒
@@kimcannon9340 Same! I can’t go through this again.
That happens because of the fawn reaction which is based on unconscious beliefs such - I'm unlovable or I don't matter.
I think the problem is 2 fold. For those of us who have been raised by narcissistic people have been brainwashed since birth to be in these relationships, and are unable to recognize what the problem even is, until something goes horribly wrong. 2nd, there's been a significant increase in high trait narcissism in the last 10 yrs, or so, with social media. I'm not saying the target isn't responsible in some way, get help, and learn to recognize the traits, so we can be better prepared to make healthy decisions we weren't taught in childhood, especially us scapegoats. However, there are more people who are narcissistic today, and that's one reason why we're still falling into it, especially with the coverts...oh and YES, we ARE actually magnets. Our hearts electromagnetic field is projected 10 ft around us, and our emotions are contained within that field. Quantum physics has proven this. So yes, some people are literally attracting narcissistic people because of their unhealed state, or some other reason.
Enforce boundaries!
Repeatedly, until they stop.
This might be the scariest thing I’ve ever heard!!
Please be more specific. I really think this is my first and dear god the last, narcissistic I have dealt with. He nearly destroyed me. HOW do we attract them??!!
THIS IS TERRIFYING!!!
I was alone for years. During which time, I worked on myself, had some therapy and truly thought I could handle anything. I was WRONG!!!
HELP!!! Please. 🙏🏻🤞🏻
Or I’m going into a convent 🤦🏼♀️
I am thinking the same way as you. It's the most horrible way to live. Shutting down everything because of trust issues! It seems as tho this guy is advocating being hard and as horrible as a Narc!
@ Yes, this part confused me. I seriously have no experience with a narcissist and so absolutely terrified to go through it again. If I didn’t recognize it the first time, how do we apply any of these techniques before we get sucked in again? I know my wall is up again. Possibly forever. But should I ever put myself out there again, I need to know specifically what to look out for and when is someone being genuinely kind. Because this one could win an award! He had everyone fooled! It’s going to be a long time before I ever get over this. He literally destroyed me. I’m pretty tough. I can take a lot. But my heart is in pieces and now I’m going through the angry phase!! I feel like an idiot
This is great insight and counsel. Thank you Richard. 🔥🔥🔥
At last the right answer, this is how i feel it too Brandom. You are the same to some point and than there is the good and the bad.
There is a weird sense of gratification in it. engaging/rescuing that narcissist. That’s that voice, while somewhere you know, you shouldn’t…..hard to distinguish and cut out those super ego introjects. Gotta battle with yourself for that one to cut it out. After a life time, still batteling with that to stay on track
I’m so guilty of this too 😪
And I’ll see the red flags. I’m trying to do better but somehow in the back of my mind I still have that “better is the devil you know” kind of thing going on. (But I’m working on it) 🙏
Oh I know it’s me! I know it’s not me attracting narcissists - I’m attracted to them! I’m not a BPD - I was a child in trauma though. But I find ‘normal’ people so boring! And I don’t want yo find them boring! Can there please be videos on this because I don’t want to be bored unless I’m walking on glass!
Try someone with adhd, never a dull moment
love your honesty. There is a weird sense of gratification in it. engaging/rescuing that narcissist. That’s that voice, while somewhere you know, you shouldn’t…..hard to distinguish and cut out those super ego introjects. Gotta battle with yourself for that one
Boring is a feeling of the ego. Real love is peacefull. Never a dull moment when you are in connection with your Self.
I am INVERTING my negative and harshly critical unconscious script and narcissistic introjects.
At least per my personal experience, I don’t know that’s entirely true. I’ve come into contact with narcissists I have barely begun any relationship with and end it, because I see issues. This has also begun happening, for the most part, in recent years. So, I believe other really important components are things like the Aging of America and the economy. I’ve seen narcissistic people, perhaps, be as I prepare as a great many of us, for aging and retirement. However, the aging narcissist, whether before or after they retire, is more likely to feel their retirement plan will just be to snatch up and take over the nearest warm body, to make up for their deficits, emotionally, psychologically, financially, etc.
Trust no one.
He is always spot on
Thank you Richard ❤
I think that our unresolved traumas leave doorways open to Satan and therefore lies the attraction
True!! It's first time I listen it. And I always thought and realized that it's me. I felt always attracted to these demons
Resolve your childhood repression, and you will no longer be attracted to them. "Resolving childhood repression is the vaccine against the charlatans [or malignant narcissists] of the world who exploit those who are still emotionally blinded by the unresolved, repressed emotions of the children they once were."
-- Sylvie Imelda Shene quote from my book A Dance to Freedom: Your Guide to Liberation from Lies and Illusions page 172
Resolving childhood repression and becoming a seeing and a feeling person is like a double-edged sword. It protects you, but also makes you a target.
My experience, the narcissist forces you to see them. I'm taken aback when that happens. I recompose myself, knowing that there was more in that interaction than meets the eye. It would be the beginning of the narcissistic cycle, or in my case, hoovering, for what seems to be the thousand times. Again, she fails.
I tried to warn her....she didn't want to hear it. 7 years later I feel the sadness and the anger she must feel by now. His reality has had to have violated her spirit by now.
The point is finding the ways to dismantle our own behavior and inner trusts
How dreadfully sad. What an awful way to live
So painfully true.
Good man Richard Grannon
If I just listened to MY unconscious mind I would not got A DWI but lesson learned 💯 a Awakening i got from LIFE
Ouch, Coulda sugar coated the finger you point at me, at least 😂😂😂😂
Thank you for your time and thoughts Richard ❤️🔥💪☯️🖖🦋
You are 100% correct.
I love this man
Its so hard when its your family
How is this possible if im on a dating site and they hit me up and it all looks legit? How is someone else reaching out to you make it your fault? Why does this seem like victim shaming
Because it is victim shaming.
And I'll never be able to get on board with this mentality. It's so harmful. It's a rejection of the fundamental truth. -The ONLY person responsible for abuse is the abusive person. It's NEVER the victim's fault.
I'll make changes in my life to try to defend myself from this in the future, but that's the key word isn't it, defend. I wouldn't have to defend myself if I lived in a non-violent world.
Holy Spirit Discernment. That's it.
Bollocks - I've had one or two real nutters, but loads of brilliant girlfriends- the Narcissists pretend, they gaslight and they lure - and one can be ages into a relationship until they see a threat and go into manipulate and control mode or one susses them out.
I've observed this happening to someone. Narcissistic neighbour put all this BS on Facebook page, nothing like her real personality. Now her victim has woken up now he's married with a toddler. Feel sorry for him as he is a genuinely nice guy.
Sorry, but it’s 50/50 I do feel maybe our porous boundaries attract narcissists
Yep. Once I realized it was me.. my fault.. everything became easier. I was allowing that abuse. I was accepting the bare minimum. Did I deserve any of that? No. But.. it was just as much my fault as it was theirs. I could have left. I stayed.
The narcs in my life are my father and his family.The rest are through people my siblings have married.
Disgust is exactly it. When the thought of him makes me ill.
Well, as a number one magnet of narcissist and toxic and hurt people, I think from what I’ve been reading because I still haven’t conquered that it just comes down to boundaries self-esteem confidence, and having the world to freaking work on self for me from what I’m seeing it comes down the boundaries and I have established those things yet then again I became pregnant of my last toxic relationship and I’m dealing with that but thank God is awaken something in me that I no longer need or want anything I mean nothing besides the reason my child and I don’t know what happened with that trigger ed something in me anybody else or to get a bomb or to participate in that or basically I no longer need any validation if you need anything right now in desperate need to heal n to not damage my child
Definitely True 😊
In my case, I case I just don't attract them: I just chance in on them. These creatures are now literally everywhere you look
Boundaries - Internal and External
This is true you must trust your gut, in the early interactions, if you make excuses for their fakeness they will manipulate that without a conscience till you betraying your self for no benefit just a pawn to their cruelty
Love it ❤
Sad, but true
I knew it…everything’s always my fault, damit 🥴😂😂😂🤷🏻♀️
Every relationship has to work at it ... the key is the sorting and reasoning through it all. How your perceptions are formed in life come together as a couple, and it's not until you actually experience a shared life that you see each others conditioning and vices that get you through. As situations arise, especially when repeated, you start to see the limitations of your partner and self. Im not sure if I would call this attraction alone, more like shared familiarity with this dance of interaction. As I have grown older, Virtue and Vice speak volumes in defining my life, and that of others.
Absolutely true
Absolutely a fact
Yep..
He's a narcissist...he's victim blaming
This makes sense
There are red flags - red flags I didn't know,but believe me I know them now. I as an empath fell into his life bc he came across as a "Victim " - not only that his ex was supposedly horrible, didn't have any communication with his children - red flag, extremely sloppy and disorganized - messy - another red flag for - depression - raging when drinking....- another red flag. Looking constantly at his phone - I mean constantly all day long - red flag - there are so many other red flags that I have learned after realizing my soon to be ex husband is a covert narc.
Learn - read about this stuff so you can spot it early on - if you go into another relationship after leaving a narcissistic relationship - you haven't learned a thing........
How do you stop attracting narcisissist? You don't! That's the fun part!
No doubt that's an issue.
it’s me! it’s me!!! it’s me mom, me mom me mom me mom (sound of ambulance alerting you!)
True painful words
I realised that I'm healthy when I kicked my ex out .
I wasn't feeling good,like I used to,and I realised that the sound of his footsteps would raise my hair.
It took relatively little time,mind over matter my friends.
This is depressing! How much time do you need to give until you can see a person's true colors and know for sure???
How about daughters who were raised by narcissistic mothers, we're they attracted to their mothers?
it is NOT you ----go no contact !! and forget about it!!!
What!??... I'm sorry (maybe I'm less intelligent) but I don't understand that answer at all... and I really need help w/understanding this Fully!! Especially because BOTH my parents are Narcs....
I have struggled w/this for years,, so I'm really trying to change - transform myself, my mind, and my understanding on this to overcome/defeat it
Healthy boundaries. Don't accept in your life what you wouldnt accept for your best friend. Know what you want and accept and what you don't want and don't accept and stick to it. Self-love, self-worth, self-forgiveness. Raise your standards whom you let into your life.
Heal your inner wounds.
Trust your own perceptions, what you know to be true. Raised by narcissists, you have been conditioned to believe that other people know better, are better, you are not good enough and should be forever grateful to them, being guildtripped, gaslighted for so many years etc. Break that cycle. It is a lie.
The book of David D Burns Ten days to self-esterm is helpful. His Method can be used for any kind of problems and it works fast, but you need to do it in writing, really working with it, not just reading it.