HIJACKALS. Do They HURT YOU ON PURPOSE?
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- Опубліковано 21 тра 2023
- People ask so often: Do narcissists and other HIjackals know that they are being mean, difficult, coercive, dismissive, and more? You want to know. In this episode, I lay it out and explain it all, ONCE AND FOR ALL. Come along and take it in because knowing this answer can change your relationship forever.
* * Remember, narcissists and other toxic people come in all genders and ages * *
and toxic relationships can be at home, at work, at play... with your parent, boss, spouse, sibling, friend, co-worker.
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I am Dr. Rhoberta Shaler, The Relationship Help Doctor.
Are you in relationship with a Hijackal? That's someone who consistently puts you down, love-bombs and gaslights you, creates confusion and chaos, and causes you to second-guess yourself? I can help you recognize, understand, and make decisions about those kinds of narcissistic behavior…and especially, how to keep yourself (and your children) safe and sane.
No worries about where in the world you live. I work through private, secure video conferencing. So, we can certainly work together to figure a few things out.
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Are you looking for relief from the pain, confusion and drama of toxic relationships? I can help.
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“It’s a behavioral choice, they don’t do it to everyone.”
Not only does my adult daughter treat me like dirt, she also displays this behavior to strangers out in public. It's cringeworthy. So embarrassing to be with her. I now know, that it will not get better. I am not going to subject myself to it anymore. You have helped me greatly in deciding on what to do with my relationship with her... I'm walking away.....
You are not alone. Don’t feel bad, feel lucky that you know how to treat people to be happy with yourself.
I did the same. It gets easier.
I also
This is where I’m confused- my “partner” isn’t my kid but idk that giving up on someone, whether I broke them or not, is like asking for me to learn the lessons again with someone else. I’m not trying to be a hijackel myself, I am very in awe of people that are able to walk away. I wish I understood better how to get past beliefs that I’m bound to repeat attracting someone like this because I’ve never not done that
I'm sorry you're dealing with this from your own offspring. I couldn't imagine. My daughter (teen) and I are very close. But, if I'm being honest, your daughter sounds like what I'm dealing with in my relationship right now. He waited a bit over a year before turning his rage on me (used drunkenness as an excuse), and just when I thought things were looking okay again, it happened again. I told him three strikes, and he's out. I also made it clear to him this time that it's on him to get help, bc we had talked about it last time and I mentioned that I know I need help too (for different reasons), and he tried using that against me. So this time, I made it clear that it's his behavior towards me, making me feel unsafe that needs to be fixed. I also made it clear that the third strike may not mean that exact thing, but anything that crosses any of my boundaries. I also want to add, that sometimes I get the sense he wants to be a better person, but the darker truth underneath keeps managing to peek its ugly head out.
It’s very difficult to admit that a Narcissistic mother or daughter knowingly seeks to hurt you and refuses to acknowledge any of your achievements and rarely expresses appreciation or emotional support in a deliberate choice of behavior to diminish your sense of self.
Making them aware they are hurting you, is right, they dont care and it makes life worse.
I am grieving over my lost adult son. He's a Narc and inherited it from his Narc + Bipolar father. I still wonder what role I played in his upbringing that was my fault. I was a loving mother though. Now he is so awful to be around. He moved cross country. He came here on work and to help his dad but never stopped to see me. This time it is some dark bargain he created in his mind. If I will admit to abuse in his childhood (that never happened), he will stop to see me when he visits next week. My brain was reeling from trying to remember the abuse that never happened when I realized he made it up. Wow.
My own beloved son, my youngest. I've lost all hope of us having any relationship. This is yet more abuse from him in a long line of abusive actions. I just walked away from all communication. He will come this way again. I will not see him again. I did not realize my heart could break in such sharp pieces. I feel sick with grief. I lost my daughter to cancer 2 yrs ago and now my son is also gone. I have absolutely no one left in my family. Never mind. If it doesn't break me, it will make me stronger. This video helped so much. It was like water on parched earth. I desperately need to find my way out of this darkness.
One bit of advice I will give others. This is as close to going mad with sorrow as I have been. What saves me is keeping a tight schedule of working out hard daily, getting sunlight on my bare body from swimming, eating fresh clean food, and sleeping early and enough. I also take my vitamins - lots of carefully researched vitamins and minerals. They will keep you from drowning in your own tears. So make sure you get that workout and sunlight. It starts with that. Your health is the key to surviving all of this. Thank you so much for these videos and insights, they are literally saving my life.
What challenges you had to go through. There is so much to get through in this life, but you are really strong.😢
so sorry you have to experience this from your own flesh and blood,,its excrutiatingly painful..my eldest son does this to me..yes they do it on purpose.. i walked away after lots of angst and tears..no more..
Narcs are born…it’s genetic.
You are not alone in this. I have the same situation with my older daughter. She blames me for things I have never done. She has always been treated like a princess. Nevertheless, she grew up very unhappy and is constantly taking it out on me.
My ex wife would say horrible things to me.
The next day…I would ask her…why did you say those horrible things to me?
She said…oh, I was just trying to Hurt You.
It is intentional. Period.
Absolutely they hurt you on purpose. Absolutely they know.
You can tell bedlcause they are usually smiling when they do it.
Absolutely, smiling. 👍
Our adult daughter with bipolar told me she said meanest words to me to hurt me and she did that on purpose!
Smiling while they say hurtful things hasn't been my experience. Usually it's accompanied with rage so intense I'm actually sitting there anticipating being physically hurt. So I freeze up. Except for a couple of cases I managed to get out before it got physical, but the fear, anxiety, and stress pain it still very damaging and haunts me.
The hijackel in my life puts on a front to other people. He pretends to be a happy, charming, generous guy. He shows off by picking up the check. But in private he treats me like shit. Screams at me. Threatens me. Breaks my things. Thanks for doing these wonderful videos, you are helping me see the reality of the narcissist. I am making small steps to leave the relationship. I have a therapist and a lawyer, and I am drawing my circle of friends into my REAL world by speaking the truth. I am done with covering up for the hijackel! Thank you for the brilliant insight you have given us.
I find the best thing is to show no reaction. I’m sure that’s what he’s looking for.
Lack of empathy and angry if you’re sick. My adult daughter was very angry that I needed to be hospitalized with pneumonia at the same time she was going on vacation. She informed that she had no intention of changing her plans.
They hurt the closest most important people in their lives.
Why?
@@louiselowe1568Because they can.
I've seen my ex treat strangers with total kindness, then treat me like crap.
So happy to have found your video. Stange as it came at the right time.
As a senior wanting to enjoy my life, had to disconnect and block our children. Our 52 year old Texted a very nasty text..that was nasty and shocking and blaming for their shortcomings. Never knew they felt any way. I refuse to respond back as im totally shocked and taken back.
No response is a response. Let them now try to figure it out. We're done! Have to save and protect our sanity and enjoy the rest of our retirement.
Thank you for your video.
They are evil. Evil exists and they embody it. Learn how to identify them quickly and avoid avoid avoid. Love yourself enough to get away from these dark hearted scum.
there is evil in the world and I am done. People are freaking assholes.
Indeed ❤
YES! Don't waste precious time. It's the only option.
2 Timothy 3 ……is here!
❤They don’t care! The deep most profound message- oh how I wish I had known this before my deepest regret in life! It would have cut my pain down so much! I am now 76 but my life is my own now! I live it my way now in great peace and love saying NO!! I am in the process of weaning my adult son from daily calls and 1-3 hrs! I feel for those of us who paid so many yrs to these people!Thank you! Your words are easy to understand and clear!
RIP Dr. Rhoberta Shaler,
I wish I could give you a hug.
For years, I thought I was crazy or going deaf.
Listening to your lovely voice and hearing my words.
I was told they did not mean it and I was too
sensitive 😢.
Believe everything Dr. Rhoberta Shaler is saying.
Save yourself years of trying to "fix" the Narcissist
Spent years trying to figure out the pattern with certain people.
I’m done trying to ascertain the crazy making hooks that they try to create to maintain the facade.
Thank you 🧡✨🧡
Brilliant analysis & summary expressed here regarding these rouge demons! Thank you for your service of teaching. Turn, Turn TURN, there is a season. It's time for a reaping soon. Trust. You are beautiful. ✨
This is excellent. Ive just discovered your channel. My mother hung up on me years ago, yelled at me telling me that “I’m not your mother, I’m your biological mother”. I have never heard back from her since. My son was about to turn two and i was simply sharing that time has lapsed however “it would still be special to me for you to meet my son” 22:02 Her response was to state that I’m merely her biological daughter. My brother had just stoped by her house with his wife and two kids minutes prior to my mom having made this statement. This was October 2015. I never realized that my mother is a narcissist until days ago when i noticed Dr. Phil on utube discussing the characteristics. He gave an example of a narcissist not being able to accept the fact that another person they know has had a healthy happy baby. Dr. phil stated that they would not be able to accept it necessarily. This lead me to seek out more content on this subject. Your post today has me recalling superficial destructive phone conversations that my mom welcomed as she surfaced around 2004 when she was marrying my step father. The phone calls continued for a couple of years only when she was in town after typically sounding months abroad in Europe. My mom would spemd time visitimg my brother in Los Angeles and never once offered to meet for tea on person. I would inly see her at events related to my brother.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I truly hope you are ok and give the love you didn’t receive from your “Biological” 🥹 Mother, all to your son!
What a brilliant talk !!! Thank you so much for your words!
I wanted to first thank you in your efforts for continuing to put out your knowledge/ content although your health may be struggling. ❤ What a selfless endeavor of love you are giving to the world. I just started listening to you a couple days ago as I was,“ feeling so broken, lost and once again confused being sucked back into the chaos while sitting just sobbing not know what to do or where to turn”. the hijackle in my life continues to create confusion around our situation by love bombing me, and then discarding me, never wanted to hear my concerns or feelings and then love bombing me again. I have been through hell and back many times with this man trying to love him better. I have listened to several (And I mean probably thousands) of other you tube therapists and none of them hit home the way you have. Your messages to the people in our situations is conveyed with such care , understanding and love. Listening to your first video that popped up helped me understand my situation more fully then I had before. So glad I listened! I had always known I needed to get out of this crazy, unhealthy toxic abusive relationship but these messages have actually given me the strength to get out in a more healthy way and stay away. You have been a blessing to me. I’m hoping I can have one to one therapy sessions with you come February if that is possible. But if not I will still enjoy listening to your information. Thank you again Dr Staler ❤
The pandemic ruined us. He didn’t go to work. I needed that rest from him. I ended up doing grey rock but didn’t realize it. He went crazy. And, I had to run away.
If you dont mind me asking,are you happier now that you ran away?
❤❤❤❤❤❤ Thank you ! I love listening to you. It's nice to know we aren't alone in all this (crap). M
"Why are they nice to others & NOT to me!" Exactly. I have such a neighbour in my communal living here. The sweet guy i have helped last 3 days was raving about her + his gay husband was too(hes another one!!(.
When i got sick guy home
Who was there in the corridor but Her...
Shes a nosy very Entitled communal one you cannot get away from!
Then that same nite shes out in corridor again; gathering Facts.
These type of narc are super nosy too.
She used to shout outside my garden window to woman above. When i complained i had a whole group turn against me. As shed been "nice"( fake patronising "nice" id say) to them all.
I actually feel the rest are scared of her as shes a big personal one could call
The Alpha female.
Psalm 35
Contend with them Lord.
I am listening to this- glad I found it! Thank you!
If they only do it to the people they CAN - then yes they can control it
I think you summed it up perfectly
It seems that this generation is lacking any respect or how to extend it. Its crazy. Seems like many are on the receiving end of their web. Its incredible.
So well said, this generational brats are so entitled!
2 Timothy 3……is here!
Competition GAME. ENVY their Beauty. Think about it. Tear down those their competitors for beautiful looking people. The competitors think they must be a WINNER controller. Competition among people against each other is HARMFUL. NOT RELATIONSHIP STRENGTHENING.😮😮😮
DO U ALL Agree?? Victims must build self esteem. Correct?
Very well said. The discrepancy as to how they decide where and with whom they can behave badly - is a CHOICE. They do thrive on my hurt and they hold grudges and make magical memory revisions to excuse the horrible behavior. How they THINK is part of their own experiences in life disappointing their own actions/expectations. But how they ACT is their choice- they behave in the way they need to WIN - and as a scapegoat (known) then the need for control creates the projection of venom.
They will immediately tell you that YOU are the narcissist. YES they hurt you on purpose. Will you stay for more? Keep coming back? exhausting. Thanks so much for these great informative videos that explain so very well the dance of coercive behavior.
Mine has caused me to waste over a decade and it ruined a really wonderful marriage I had. I feel like I am too old to find love again. I can’t handle this pain. 😭
Quite the characters, aren't they. I had a mother and a jack ass like this. He doesn't deserve your attention. Theyre not worth hurting over. It makes feel "special". Nah. A liars not ever special. They just pretended they were. They just think they are. They're real good at it.
I'm sorry. I've been hurt as well by a disordered husband. I'm also feeling old for love again @63.... Time will tell!
I understand. I wasted 12 years with a "emotional terrorist" Hijackal, before I realized he would never change, and filed for divorce in 1983. We had kids (one was a baby) so I had to deal with him for 18 more years. At the time, I didn't think it could get any worse, but it did. Threats of killing me, killing my children, killing my children in front of me before killing me, kidnapping them so I would never see them again, etc.-constant verbal and emotional abuse. Yesterday, I realized how much my youngest son is just like him.
@janm9610 not true. Believe me.
Thank you for sharing this information ❤
Roberta I Agree with you 💯 percent:" its a Choice"
Especially after watching yt from a recovering narcissist. In video he said
They look for
"OPENNESS"
those of us who are
Great supply; in other words Right.
So as soon as we get huge solid boundaries the better- eh.
I see that coukd also be us;
Keeping Very silent if we have them in our midst & we cant go no contact.
And, even codependents end up sucking all the energy out of the room through all the attention they garner through controlling and caring. It's so destructive, but they cannot see it. 🤷♀️
Well, it is all in the past for me now, but I divorced and remarried and divorced and remarried all because of the things that you talk about on your podcast. I would have done anything. Had I known sooner because everything I tried was on the compassionate end and I was the one along with the children that got hurt, I took myself to counseling afterward and I am doing well now but now I am old, I guess better late than never
Been married for 33yrs. He goes for the throat immediately in any type of situation where he does not want to be questioned. He isn’t a big liar or a cheater but he goes after my character and calls me names, mocks me when i’m crying. I have told him what it does to me any he use to be remorseful and apologize but now he just blows it off and acts like nothing happened. I will say “you’re really hurting me” and he will twist it like i’m being manipulative and say things like “oh poor you, you’re Mary poppins and dont deserve any of this” or accuse me of something utterly ridiculous like “have another beer” I don’t drink alcohol very often and if i do it’s definitely not Beer. I hate him
Hyjackals are competing with beautiful adorable victims. (Good hearted sweethearts, gorgeous gentle hearted person's ( girls, females, LADIES,)
RIGHT? 😊😊😊😊😊
I see this is fairly recent-- I missed this one!
Ty ❤so much
Hi Dr Shaler - your videos help and I have no doubt that it is because you have experienced the same thing in your life - as only someone who has can see it with this precision. This describes my dad completely. I have mentioned him before but basically he has chosen me through his life to focus on and a few - mostly women in the family. I have no doubt that it is because of how he perceived his mother and so is punishing me, his sister and when my mother was alive - her too. I believe and can now see that she was sucked into a trauma bond and which she didn't understand but it had her playing second fiddle to him and her whole personality must have changed to put him and getting a few crumbs of attention into focus. He has decide to punish me and I know he has twisted reality in order to do it. I have often thought of confronting him about it but now I can see there is no point as there will never be an equal relationship and he will never accept what he is doing. When it comes down to it he has selected me, his own daughter to focus his hostilities on. I don't really have much to do with him as I live overseas. He has held grudges against others too so I am not the only one. He developed one against his brother at the same time as me but he has let his brother off the hook but not me. I thanks you and other videos like this to help me stay anchored in the face of it and not to feel like the worthless piece of poop that he wants me to feel. Sickening - especially when it is your own dad but I guess anyone can copulate to put it bluntly...
❤
❤thank you
The thing that killed me the most was the lack of respect for me and super polite and kind to others who by the way treat her like crap. 9 years driving me crazy and now i got it. I am done with her nasty personality. Thank ALLAH I found the answer, thank you dr.
Absolutely!
Both need to take responsibility. Making someone else the abuser makes the other a victim. It's rightousness not compassion for yourself or them. Heal yourself, that's the only thing within your control.
I agree!
THANK YOU FROM CAPE TOWN -TO UNDERSTAND WHY MY SON TREATS ME SO BADLY ..HE POKES ME ALL THE TIME ..PUTS ME DOWN ,BLAMES ME ,I CRY EACH DAY 39:09
Is it normal that when we see around hijackles that we start to look like a hijackel? Askin because if someone is reliably not honest, why wouldn’t I doubt everything they say?
🌻
Is texting someone when you are relationship is it cheating and what type of cheating?
I would say it’s definitely cheating, especially if they are being very different with you.
My husband of 22 years was in an emotional affair for the second time and with the same woman, he treated me like absolute trash because he was playing with his shiny new toy again.
Ev😅en though these evil individuals have no empathy, they can be in emotional affairs. The love bombing they give the other person causes them to greatly devalue us 😔.
After the ultimatum my husband walked away, she was more important to him than anything, even his own children.
I do hope you are ok and that you are safe, physically and emotionally ♥️
I think that's why my husband split in his treatment to me. He loved me ( allegedly) then I flipped to the enemy. He was saying things like " I've never cheated on you" out of the blue and would rage " stay off the dating apps" out of the blue. Guessing projection. I think he was cyber "fishing" sexual things, only took 1 person to bite. Messed up dude.....he left me to move our home , what a job alone.
Emotional unfaithfulness, based on the natural of the communications.
Emotional cheating.