@karadiberlino it is. We think that our idea of the potential of the relationship is so that we continue investing in something that isn't working anymore.
My brain's ability to fantasize and overinvest, even if nothing has happened in reality, is what kept me stuck in my trauma bond. It was pure hell, being in that position... now I'm having to put in the effort to make sure my mind doesn't go down that rabbit hole again. Recovering from this really isn't an easy process...
I am guilt of what Mathew said, I over invested in relationship when they have not done anything special or worthy for me to invest in them. I over invested relationship and i let the relationship control me.
Ugh I hate that I do this. In your 30s when it feels like all the good ones are picked over, it can feel really scarce and you just want to make it work when you finally find someone who fits your type and you think at the time that you connect with. Yet in reality they haven’t done anything and you’re hoping it will develop as they get to know you. That’s the biggest mistake I’ve found is, you think in the beginning they’re just shy or don’t trust you yet to justify why they breadcrumb. And then there’s people that do the opposite and start calling you babe before they’ve even met you. Can anyone be a perfect medium?
And there are those that you see are investing in you, had an amazing first date, and second date, where you watch the stars while talking about life, where u hop between different places in a city and both of u just enjoying the moment and each other and having so much fun and you can tell they like you, only for them to say, at the beginning of all this, they are seeing someone else. When all the signs point in the right direction, especially when I’m an extreme realist, only then to become a second choice. And u know in ur rational mind u have to walk away from this person, and it’s the toughest decision you have to make for the sake of yourself. You start talking down on yourself, questioning yourself how out of the two ppl that she met at the same time, and had an amazing date with one of them, what made her choose the other person over me.
Sometimes I feel this with our society with ghosting. We make an immature uncommitable low level communicator more important than our self worth. Who cares what happened! Pay attention to you, honor your feelings, never talk to them again.
The real partner loves you more.... if you love yourself more anyway. She doesn't want to be with someone who beats himself up, about some nonexistent problem.....If you only pretend your own happiness she may sense it.
It's true, I invested more than he. I did at least leave when he wasn't stepping up, so there's that. No contact too! But, Oh, in my head, we were something, and that hurts! I hurt myself, yall!!
WOW, this is so on point, i was dating a woman for bout 4 weeks and she broke it off saying she needed to figure some things out & it was moving too fast. I jumped all in too early i realize, i had no idea she was gonna pull the plug like that so abruptly. But i invested because of the story i told myself about her, that it was destiny, that shes probably the one, etc 😮💨 still learning and growing
This is so true! And it’s often because we rely so heavily on that person to validate our self worth, that we pin so much hope on a future with them, as an extension of ourselves.
I was addicted to how it made me feel cause I hadn't felt that way in so long! I laughed so hard, now I'm crying! But at least I left with dignity and silence. Total no contact!
True but also because we truly like them and an all in match is rare so whe we feel that attraction spark we are so happy and don't want to lose it....
Yes this internal story I created in my head about this man when in truth his character showed after 3 months! He was doing the minimum nothing spectacular!
I needed to hear this today. It all comes from low self worth and until you build that yourself you will look for it in other people. I hope I learn to love myself and stop hating every part of me. Thank you for this video
I’m guilty of this also. I had the gut feeling he was dating others. He was pulling away and he showed poor quality side of himself in treating others. I was conflicted in my feelings towards him. Haven’t spoken or texted in months. Recently saw the person who introduced us and was told he got back with an ex. Chaos averted.
I decided to step back after a guy didn't text/respond to a text for 5 days (unlike him to do so) after we've been hitting it off well. Maybe he's busy. I'm not double texting because he said he'd be busy that week 🤷♀️. So as far as im concerned I'm just respecting his busy week and space. just gonna mind my own business and work on my garden ❤. Maybe he truely is busy yet...No ones really ever that busy they can't stop while in bed at night and ask how your day was 🤷♀️.
The person might have an avoidant attachment (look it up on internet if you don't know what it is).. I was speaking with a lady like that.. she can reply after a week and she doesn't have any problem with that.. super annoying and was making me anxious
I try to tell people this! Like, don’t assume and step back from your feelings. Like honestly, what have they done so far? Are they actually rising up and meeting you at the same level of interest or are they just phoning it in? Be a mirror in energy with giving. For everytime they initiate, only initiate the sane amount when texting or calling. Do not do more. Do not go codependent and prioritize them more than yourself. You gotta watch for a pattern and see if it’s inconsistently consistent or if it’s consistent as well.
Can you give me an advice? Why would a guy Tell you he is not ready for commitment But always likes/loves your story? IT he a psychopath? I blocked him and was So sad
@@BB-iy2mki'm a guy and if thats the case, unfortunately he just want to be your friend and maybe friends with benifits, stay away from it, it will only hurt you in the process
i see myself here, i've been alone for too long and if i come across someone who seems interested, "i raise the stakes." i think it does mirror low self esteem.
I completely agree. I know a guy who has been interested in being in a relationship with me for over 10 years. I finally decided to talk to him and ask why he wanted me so bad? I told him the best parts of myself that I value you haven't seen or even had access to so what you're into isn't connected to any part of me it's connected to your ego and libido, and ALWAYS has been.
This is so realistic and a good message! I have to watch it because I am so guilty of this. Meaning trying to make someone so important before they have proved themselves!
"This is about how important we've made them; not about how unimportant we are to the degree that we over invest." The story is unstandardized education systems that do not expedite in terms of higher degree yet over skill us to become people who can make the higher expedited degree holders important.
if I matched or text somebody on a dating app and then suddenly gone specially if I was very attracted to them I would take it so personally and would sometimes cry but I’ve done a lot of healing in the past years and now know that’s just my ego playing up and it’s not them personally not choosing me etc they could be dating others they could be talking to another girl they like more which is ok as you learn to stop putting so much importance of wanting somebody else to make you happy you learn to do the work yourself and yes it can be annoying when your attractive to somebody and text and they text back and you think hey we’re on a winner he about time then you ask them how they are and then NOTHING but don’t take it personally that just isn’t your ONE someone better more suited to you is out there universe just step it for you ❤
@@bianca-mhteam6237 Thanks, Bianca. But I apologize because it's a different one from what I previously mentioned. On the website, Matthew was wearing a long-sleeved shirt, while on UA-cam (the one we want, he was talking about over-investing), he was wearing a plain t-shirt. Could you please kindly show us the right one?
OMG. Totally agree. I deeply hear you said "invest in order how them invest on you" that safe my life. So, i dad great first dates, but the limit is same... He could the greatest guy, if hi isn't not interested at same degree is not the right first of all... Mutually is the most powerful glue to start to build something good. Self value is Indestructible in the face of something subjective... Continue your path, you are your love in life.
Friendships are absolutely like that as well you can think you are the best of friends until you have a episode of some kind or they blow you off for the 100th time then reality kicks in and you realize it was just a trauma bond
As a man, this is so true for me as well. I am finally learning to be present with what is really happening, so I can be honest if they are really the right person for me or not
Unfortunately, it is not always this clear-especially with an avoidant person that seeks but also avoids closeness. It takes knowledge and strength then to cut them off even if you have feelings.
I think I met someone like that but someone told me he manipulated me.idk. i guess I will never get the answer. I told him I felt confused and we are not compatible. After that we still talked and he said he did value me as a personal but he is emptionally unavailable. His last text was 12 days ago " allright....next week I will be travelling for work but after I'm back we can talk". I replied "sure no pressure goodluck with all you do". Haven't heard from him again. The last time we met he took my hand just holding it while we were taking. So confusing. Ti give myself closure I sent him a last kind but straight message that I won't reach out anymore and it would have helped to not text me that we can talk and never follow up. I felt rejected but I'm starting to feel more peace again. It hurts though but I deserve equal treatment.
100% agree! That was me when I was younger. Now I don’t get as excited about dates and men but it’s more realistic. It’s way better! We get caught up in making our fantasy into a reality without realizing it!
I’m so glad that i always prioritised friendships over romantic relationships since a young age. After going on a series of depressing dates…I don’t make my kindness dependant on the person i meet to do it first, but if they are not going to match it, they are no longer have access period. I know that thoughtful and caring people are out there.
There are guys out there who just want to take advantage of that. That's why we should never rush. Wait until he passes the tests of time. Time will show the truth. In time you will be in all sorts of situations that will show who someone is and how do they see you. And I don't mean a few weeks. 6-12 months. If you catch yourself trying to rush it, you're doing it for the wrong reasons..
Very true. I see it as a fitness routine to stay either one day and one week at a time. Stay either a step behind them or at the same pace as them. For women letting our hearts pace with their heart, and make sure physically they stay a step behind or at our pace. Our hearts are ready before their heart. Their body is ready before our body. So it's about pacing each other, if that makes sense. I'm currently interested in someone and as the future thinking pops up i tell myself you already know what you want so drop thinking about it and let them show you who they are. I'm focused on what I want rather than the "who" that will eventually be that life partner man
Rationally I know this all.....but how to tame the feelings and emotions....which are ofcourse also activated by the other person who knows exactly what to say in the beginnings..we open up and then they start to close the water tap. We are being ourselves open, honest giving attention but we can't project our love and consideration on closed hearts.
I need to sign up for his newsletter! Mathew Hussey is amazing! He speaks the candid truth. I need to stop doing this.. I act like a teenager when I really like a guy a lot 😂
It's the same as when we can't leave a relationship because we hold onto who we want this person to be, not who he is showing up to be...
Or she*
It‘s not the same. 😂
@karadiberlino it is. We think that our idea of the potential of the relationship is so that we continue investing in something that isn't working anymore.
true words
I just learned this lesson the hard way, yesterday. Wow! I'm going to allow God to write my story and just get out of the way
My brain's ability to fantasize and overinvest, even if nothing has happened in reality, is what kept me stuck in my trauma bond. It was pure hell, being in that position... now I'm having to put in the effort to make sure my mind doesn't go down that rabbit hole again. Recovering from this really isn't an easy process...
I am guilt of what Mathew said, I over invested in relationship when they have not done anything special or worthy for me to invest in them. I over invested relationship and i let the relationship control me.
I did too! So we chalk it up to, being loving, open and genuine. Let's keep in mind our boundaries and know we are truly enough!!
Right on! I am all of the good things Matthew speaks of because I have abundance. I guess I'm dealing with those that don't. @@liveinthenow3571
I learnt this the hard way. Now, I am meeting people where they're at and without any expectations until proven otherwise.
Me too...
Same but good for you for getting back out there and doing what's best for yourself.
Ugh I hate that I do this. In your 30s when it feels like all the good ones are picked over, it can feel really scarce and you just want to make it work when you finally find someone who fits your type and you think at the time that you connect with. Yet in reality they haven’t done anything and you’re hoping it will develop as they get to know you. That’s the biggest mistake I’ve found is, you think in the beginning they’re just shy or don’t trust you yet to justify why they breadcrumb. And then there’s people that do the opposite and start calling you babe before they’ve even met you. Can anyone be a perfect medium?
And there are those that you see are investing in you, had an amazing first date, and second date, where you watch the stars while talking about life, where u hop between different places in a city and both of u just enjoying the moment and each other and having so much fun and you can tell they like you, only for them to say, at the beginning of all this, they are seeing someone else. When all the signs point in the right direction, especially when I’m an extreme realist, only then to become a second choice. And u know in ur rational mind u have to walk away from this person, and it’s the toughest decision you have to make for the sake of yourself. You start talking down on yourself, questioning yourself how out of the two ppl that she met at the same time, and had an amazing date with one of them, what made her choose the other person over me.
@@JustThatOneRandomGuy yeah that’s happened to me too. I’ve never done that, can’t date more than one person at a time that’s just too draining.
Perfectly portraying my story
@@chandanadekarmakar5753 we singles gotta keep our heads high, know our worth, and be patient. We got this
@@JustThatOneRandomGuy Thanks 😊..your words
means a lot..
Sometimes I feel this with our society with ghosting.
We make an immature uncommitable low level communicator more important than our self worth. Who cares what happened! Pay attention to you, honor your feelings, never talk to them again.
The real partner loves you more.... if you love yourself more anyway. She doesn't want to be with someone who beats himself up, about some nonexistent problem.....If you only pretend your own happiness she may sense it.
It's true, I invested more than he. I did at least leave when he wasn't stepping up, so there's that. No contact too! But, Oh, in my head, we were something, and that hurts! I hurt myself, yall!!
Ugh so relatable 😂🫶🏻
WOW, this is so on point, i was dating a woman for bout 4 weeks and she broke it off saying she needed to figure some things out & it was moving too fast. I jumped all in too early i realize, i had no idea she was gonna pull the plug like that so abruptly. But i invested because of the story i told myself about her, that it was destiny, that shes probably the one, etc 😮💨 still learning and growing
This is so true! And it’s often because we rely so heavily on that person to validate our self worth, that we pin so much hope on a future with them, as an extension of ourselves.
I was addicted to how it made me feel cause I hadn't felt that way in so long! I laughed so hard, now I'm crying! But at least I left with dignity and silence. Total no contact!
True but also because we truly like them and an all in match is rare so whe we feel that attraction spark we are so happy and don't want to lose it....
Yes this internal story I created in my head about this man when in truth his character showed after 3 months! He was doing the minimum nothing spectacular!
Tis is why I have invested in myself. Probably going to be single the rest of my life....I love me!!!!!!
I needed to hear this today. It all comes from low self worth and until you build that yourself you will look for it in other people. I hope I learn to love myself and stop hating every part of me. Thank you for this video
Me too!
I've changed my mind. I can make myself worthwhile. But the effort is supposed to help them feel special. It was always about that.
Your right. I'm still suffering and uncertain.
I've realized just how much I've rewritten my story since my ex. I've learned so much about myself. So grateful. ❤
I’m guilty of this also. I had the gut feeling he was dating others. He was pulling away and he showed poor quality side of himself in treating others. I was conflicted in my feelings towards him. Haven’t spoken or texted in months. Recently saw the person who introduced us and was told he got back with an ex. Chaos averted.
All the freaking time …. Why on earth do we do this ! Insane
Pls make also a video to : how to stop OVERTHINKING 🙏🙏🙏❤️
I decided to step back after a guy didn't text/respond to a text for 5 days (unlike him to do so) after we've been hitting it off well. Maybe he's busy. I'm not double texting because he said he'd be busy that week 🤷♀️. So as far as im concerned I'm just respecting his busy week and space. just gonna mind my own business and work on my garden ❤. Maybe he truely is busy yet...No ones really ever that busy they can't stop while in bed at night and ask how your day was 🤷♀️.
Very true!
If he has time to eat, sleep and go to the bathroom in those 5 days, then he has time to send you a 20 second text. He choosing to not prioritise you.
He doesn’t like you. Even when guys are busy they check in. They send good morning and good night texts.
The person might have an avoidant attachment (look it up on internet if you don't know what it is).. I was speaking with a lady like that.. she can reply after a week and she doesn't have any problem with that.. super annoying and was making me anxious
He's moved on.
Matthew Hussey is brilliant
The stories we make up in our heads! Gotta watch out
I try to tell people this! Like, don’t assume and step back from your feelings. Like honestly, what have they done so far? Are they actually rising up and meeting you at the same level of interest or are they just phoning it in? Be a mirror in energy with giving. For everytime they initiate, only initiate the sane amount when texting or calling. Do not do more. Do not go codependent and prioritize them more than yourself. You gotta watch for a pattern and see if it’s inconsistently consistent or if it’s consistent as well.
I have the problem of doing and giving everything to the person and I neglect myself and my own personal responsibilities.
Can you give me an advice? Why would a guy Tell you he is not ready for commitment But always likes/loves your story? IT he a psychopath? I blocked him and was So sad
@@BB-iy2mki'm a guy and if thats the case, unfortunately he just want to be your friend and maybe friends with benifits, stay away from it, it will only hurt you in the process
@@sparow840 he wanted sex indeed But then saw that i would not, and still wants to keep in touch like this 🙏
Exactly my point! Don’t make anybody that important in your story
Your right, I made him too important. If only I would have stepped back. 😔 nxt time I guess!!
Lord help me to stop making things and people more important than they are
I definitely do this. I don't know how to stop.
i see myself here, i've been alone for too long and if i come across someone who seems interested, "i raise the stakes." i think it does mirror low self esteem.
Sometimes it does
that's exactly what i'm going through right now. Thank you for sharing this! :)
Good for you for recognizing! Course correct. You've got this!
Same here. Needed to hear this. I will step back and try to let Things happen
Lool the way he walks away at the end I love it 😂😂
I completely agree. I know a guy who has been interested in being in a relationship with me for over 10 years. I finally decided to talk to him and ask why he wanted me so bad? I told him the best parts of myself that I value you haven't seen or even had access to so what you're into isn't connected to any part of me it's connected to your ego and libido, and ALWAYS has been.
When optimism trips us up. In this situation it's better to be realistic.
The Matthew H..it is one of The Best..no doubt
This was really helpful to hear someone talking about
Yes! Learn to Observe and see the real personality. It only takes a few months. Patience 👍
Need this to repeat itself on my page more often… ugh… great lessons
Let me tell yall something. This man here saved my life. His advice is the truth❤
Never again, learned my lesson
I’m glad I found your channel
I believe its our internal story about ourselves. We feel unworthy and we set the bar low
Could not come at a more perfect time than today
One of the most powerful minute clips I have ever seen.
Agreed ! I’m working hard to stop thinking about men I hardly know
U have no idea how much you have helped me in the last 24hours
Well fuck that’s so dang true hit me like a brick to the face lol
Absolutely WONDERFUL to hear & see what this handsome Man has to say ,thank you for sharing your amazing videos of ALL Time 👏👍❣️
Matthew is so right.
U nailed it... this is my scenario
I have needed to see this short snippet for the longest time.
That's why I put it out❤
This is so realistic and a good message! I have to watch it because I am so guilty of this. Meaning trying to make someone so important before they have proved themselves!
So true. Codependent relationships never work out eventually. Thank you for sharing this piece of great advice.
I will rewrite my narrative & will not over-invest too soon, good one
I understand your point..... almost fall into that same thing you're discussing about then your video comes up and I check myself...thank you
Beautifully stated
Wow you nailed it👌🏼
God I really needed to hear this. I do this so intensely. It’s so, so difficult to stop myself doing this but I have to find ways to do it.
Also, if a guy likes us and we over-invest and put too much pressure on the relationship, it can scare them off because they don’t want to hurt us.
❤ can’t say thank you enough for this video Matthew! Literally going through the exact situation and glad to know I’m not going crazy.
"This is about how important we've made them; not about how unimportant we are to the degree that we over invest." The story is unstandardized education systems that do not expedite in terms of higher degree yet over skill us to become people who can make the higher expedited degree holders important.
if I matched or text somebody on a dating app and then suddenly gone specially if I was very attracted to them I would take it so personally and would sometimes cry but I’ve done a lot of healing in the past years and now know that’s just my ego playing up and it’s not them personally not choosing me etc they could be dating others they could be talking to another girl they like more which is ok as you learn to stop putting so much importance of wanting somebody else to make you happy you learn to do the work yourself and yes it can be annoying when your attractive to somebody and text and they text back and you think hey we’re on a winner he about time then you ask them how they are and then NOTHING but don’t take it personally that just isn’t your ONE someone better more suited to you is out there universe just step it for you ❤
Fantastic clip. Summarizes the essence of what goes wrong.
I absolutely need a link to the full video. I'm going through this right now and it's really rough.
Hey Kevin, you can catch the replay at LoveLifeReplay.com. It will be available until midnight PST tonight
-Bianca, MH Team
Aw.. I missed ..after.. is a replay available anywhere?
@@bianca-mhteam6237 Hi Bianca, if I subscribe to the site, will I be able to see the full video of this topic?
@@lindafitriani You can access it for a limited time at DatingWithResults.com
-Bianca, MH team
@@bianca-mhteam6237 Thanks, Bianca. But I apologize because it's a different one from what I previously mentioned. On the website, Matthew was wearing a long-sleeved shirt, while on UA-cam (the one we want, he was talking about over-investing), he was wearing a plain t-shirt. Could you please kindly show us the right one?
You talk a lot of sense Mat - I love to listen to your wisdom!!
OMG. Totally agree. I deeply hear you said "invest in order how them invest on you" that safe my life. So, i dad great first dates, but the limit is same... He could the greatest guy, if hi isn't not interested at same degree is not the right first of all... Mutually is the most powerful glue to start to build something good.
Self value is Indestructible in the face of something subjective... Continue your path, you are your love in life.
Friendships are absolutely like that as well you can think you are the best of friends until you have a episode of some kind or they blow you off for the 100th time then reality kicks in and you realize it was just a trauma bond
It’s perfect. You’re right that happened to me. Now I realised. Tnx a lot.
As a man, this is so true for me as well. I am finally learning to be present with what is really happening, so I can be honest if they are really the right person for me or not
Listen in loop couple of times and it help lots your powerful message ❤ merciiii
Unfortunately, it is not always this clear-especially with an avoidant person that seeks but also avoids closeness. It takes knowledge and strength then to cut them off even if you have feelings.
I think I met someone like that but someone told me he manipulated me.idk. i guess I will never get the answer. I told him I felt confused and we are not compatible. After that we still talked and he said he did value me as a personal but he is emptionally unavailable.
His last text was 12 days ago " allright....next week I will be travelling for work but after I'm back we can talk".
I replied "sure no pressure goodluck with all you do".
Haven't heard from him again. The last time we met he took my hand just holding it while we were taking. So confusing.
Ti give myself closure I sent him a last kind but straight message that I won't reach out anymore and it would have helped to not text me that we can talk and never follow up.
I felt rejected but I'm starting to feel more peace again.
It hurts though but I deserve equal treatment.
@@peaceofmindofpeace1650did he ever get back to you?
100% agree! That was me when I was younger. Now I don’t get as excited about dates and men but it’s more realistic. It’s way better! We get caught up in making our fantasy into a reality without realizing it!
Damn… ima need the link to the full video!!
Matthew this is soooo helpful! Thanks a million!!
I Love your messages to us and your delivery of them so very much❣️💖 Thank you & Much Love & Respect to you Bro✨🏆🙏🏽
Ugh experienced too many relationships like this. I'm widowed now, so I want to make sure I avoid those pit falls.
Thank you. I needed to hear this. TODAY. ❤
So true ! All the time ! I invest too much too soon !
Going through this right now!!
You so good at what you do to the point and so clear all the time
I’m so glad that i always prioritised friendships over romantic relationships since a young age. After going on a series of depressing dates…I don’t make my kindness dependant on the person i meet to do it first, but if they are not going to match it, they are no longer have access period. I know that thoughtful and caring people are out there.
This guy is really good at what he does🎉🎉
You are so right.
Love his advice..thought provoking 😮
Omg you you speaking to me brother on a whole different level
There are guys out there who just want to take advantage of that. That's why we should never rush. Wait until he passes the tests of time. Time will show the truth. In time you will be in all sorts of situations that will show who someone is and how do they see you.
And I don't mean a few weeks. 6-12 months.
If you catch yourself trying to rush it, you're doing it for the wrong reasons..
Thanks for this , needed thos soooo badly 😊
Idealizating, it calls
Excellent, succinct advice ! Thank you 😊
Ahhhh I needed to hear this
Thanks. I needed to hear this.
This is something I have to work on. It makes me feel like im crazy or have issues.
Very true. I see it as a fitness routine to stay either one day and one week at a time. Stay either a step behind them or at the same pace as them. For women letting our hearts pace with their heart, and make sure physically they stay a step behind or at our pace. Our hearts are ready before their heart. Their body is ready before our body. So it's about pacing each other, if that makes sense. I'm currently interested in someone and as the future thinking pops up i tell myself you already know what you want so drop thinking about it and let them show you who they are. I'm focused on what I want rather than the "who" that will eventually be that life partner man
Story of my life 🙃
Thank you.
Rationally I know this all.....but how to tame the feelings and emotions....which are ofcourse also activated by the other person who knows exactly what to say in the beginnings..we open up and then they start to close the water tap. We are being ourselves open, honest giving attention but we can't project our love and consideration on closed hearts.
You are incredibly helpful ❤
Brilliant ! Ty
I've done that with most types of relationships!.Not just romantic.
So true. Thanks
I love this guy
Right, he's not all that. Taking my "money" somewhere else. ❤
I need to sign up for his newsletter! Mathew Hussey is amazing! He speaks the candid truth. I need to stop doing this.. I act like a teenager when I really like a guy a lot 😂
So freaking true...😶