S2E2. let's really talk about sex as a gay guy.
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- Опубліковано 10 тра 2022
- what's good, good people? this episode i dive into sex with the homie Travis (@travisgeter). we give some advice on how to make sex an enjoyable experience and things you need to know before "getting it popping!" -Travis. let me know your thoughts in the comments.
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I think our community often uses sex as an escape. Don’t get me wrong seeking pleasure can be good but there are so many gay men who are using sex as a way to temporarily heal. And since it’s so easy to obtain for us, the cycle gets perpetuated without asking “Am I genuinely horny rn as I’m scrolling through Grindr at 2am? Or am I using this as a means to validate myself/ escape an issue.”
This is my story. I don't do it nearly as much as I once did, but it is my story nonetheless. Not that other people/other communities don't also have the same tendencies to use sex to cope, but I too suspect that doing this might be relatively more prevalent among gay men. This could totally be me projecting some internalized over-generalizations, but I still get the feeling that this is true for many of us.
I recently heard a discussion where one guy mentioned the idea of a pendulum effect in human behavior where basically people who grew up socialized into pretty extreme ideologies often end up responding, as a result of internalizing such extreme messages, by appropriating ideologies that are on the opposite extreme. Instead of finding a happy medium, we tend to grow up and adopt the same extremes, just on the other end of the spectrum. I wonder how as gay men, especially black gay men, this theory applies to this behavior...considering how as gay men we're told that we're hypersexual, lustful, deviant, pedophiles, rapists, all these terrible things that are sexual in nature... and how as black men we've been hypersexualized and then demonized for it since the conception of this nation (for ppl born in America anyway), and how this contributes to the rest of the trauma inflicted onto queer men. Trauma that we, as humans, naturally yearn subconsciously to heal... So we heal in the best ways we know how, including the sex we're so hypocritically, treacherously and extremely shamed for!
Now lord KNOWS I love me some sex lol, and I see absolutely nothing wrong with that. However, speaking from my own subjective experience, I know that I have a history of using sex as a dysfunctional coping mechanism. At the end of the day though, I know I can only speak for myself, but I know that many of us in the gay community feels this way.
btw I'd like to mention that I do believe sex can indeed be used for coping/relieving stress in healthy, functional ways, just like anything else can. But just like anything else can be used for coping/relieving stress in unhealthy, dysfunctional ways, so can sex.
I agree with you. I also think that, for a long time, gay culture could only be about sex because society did not tolerate gay (romantic) relationships and in some parts of the world there is still severe punishment (social / physical / criminal) even if someone is suspected of being gay. There were a few gay relationships which happened discreetly, but for most gay men their interactions with other gay men could only be sexual and in secret. Gay marriage was only legalized in the U.S. in 2015, so gay men have a lot of catching up to do in terms of exploring romantic / long-term relationships with each other -- for those who want that anyway.
@@jarriddenman9665 Yeah it’s my story as well so you’re not alone. Also I definitely love me some good sex! 😂 but I found myself running to it for the wrong reasons and I think it became more clear to me once I stepped back and saw who I chose to have sex with. Like we all have a few “bad bodies” under our belt but when I look back and think” You weren’t really attracted to them so what was the real reason why you chose to have sex? And going back to what was referenced in the video, I would just end up going with it because “Hey I’m already here” instead of walking away and asking myself what really drove me here anyway? And I know I’m not alone cuz there are plenty of gays who hop on “the apps” just as frequent as IG and you lowkey mindlessly find yourself in yet another hook up.
@@pppmanly THIS PART!!! Literally most of what I learned about my sexuality was primarily through sex! As you mentioned society barred the open expression of gay love so when I thought of “love” I really only had a heterosexual model to reference even though sexually I was attracted to men. So the hopeless romantic side of me wanted a wife and kids because that was my reference of love but the sexual side of me wanted a man. For awhile I didn’t believe that I could get that same idea of love through a man or if I did then it wouldn’t last. So in a way many of us can find ourselves settling for just sex. I think this concept along with societal pressures often keeps men in the closet because they have love with a woman and sex with a man.
@@darrelljones1053 I appreciate your perspective.
As a gay man I feel like most gay men put too much emphasis on sex and not enough on romance & getting to know the soul of the man that they are with. So of course I'm into having a relationship & I'm not into one night stands. p.s. Obio you look amazing in that yellow sweater.
I think "if you don't feel comfortable, stop" is the best advice you could give anyone exploring sexually. If you're in physical pain, stop. If you're feeling pressured, stop. And if your partner can't respect that, DEFINITELY STOP.
Definitely one of my mistakes in my 20s. Being too nice to say stop. Hindsight is everything.
Just a note of interest, it would nice if you would invite older gay black men dialog with on your show. It would be a interesting dynamics of sharing of ideas 💡. I am older man and I watch your show religiously.
Thank you for saying this. I'm an older gay man too.
I'm an Older gay brother myself. Sex is certainly a different dynamic as we age. I think it is fair to get the perspective Of the varying Aspects of gay sex especially from the Point of view Of the older gay black male demographic. Great space you've created for dialog I'm glad I subscribed.
Yes it can assist in a greater development for the younger ones. Great idea I hope he follows up on.
What's older? What someone in their 50s but look & I've like they're I their 30s
No thanks. Ask the old gays to start their own channel
You cannot say that sex is important in a relationship as a blanket statement like that. Whats important is intimacy. Their are asexual people who rarely, if ever, desire sex. Intimacy is the requirement, a lot of people get the two confused.
People who are not Ace will be unlikely to date someone who is Ace! For the average person sex is important in a relationship, Asexuals will be better off dating each other.
@@dugebuwembo Agreed.
@@dugebuwemboright cuz I’ve liked asexual before. My issues is that even tho I’m virgin currently I know I wanna get nasty lol. It’s just when I feel ready n to give that person the time of day and spend my energy points lmao. But I know I couldn’t go forever without it, so for me asexually wouldn’t work. I want my boobs to be held n shit. For me romance is quality time, things in common, emotional support, nasty flirting etc. I like the want to build without necessary doing anything physically. But I wanna bust at some point, tmi but yea.
These were great questions! I love how they were expressed. And I appreciate the guest speaker’s perspective as well. It fair and honest! I feel like this episode is the perfect example of creating space 🙏🏽
I wish y’all would’ve unpacked Intimacy during sex more and the whole concept of that cause most sex lacks true intimacy. Great video
but is that true though? for you to say "most" only indicates that you watch a lot of porn, because i doubt you are omniscient. porn and real life sex are not the same thing. not trying to be rude, but i think saying "most" is a testament to online culture not real life
I don’t understand how two bottoms can’t work out. Like, why do you have to bottom 100% of the time? Why can’t they just take turns. People act like top and bottom are these innate traits. They’re totally made up constructs.
It won't last long with two bottoms. There's a certain top energy that's missing.
@@rellenoz Eh… I guess that’s true if one is looking for a dom/super masc top. Otherwise, it should work.
Lots of men forget... Satisfying sex does not have to involve penile/anal penetration. That's just one pleasurable act among dozens or hundreds at our disposal, Gentlemen. Go forth and explore from head to toe! ♥️🌈
Exactly! This construct has never made sense to me. It’s a turn off to see a grown man abide by made-up label. I can’t even have a conversation with a gay man without Top or Bottom coming out his mouth. It’s sick
Because for one that's a preference. Nobody should have to say I want to bottom just because you are a 100% top or vice versa. I believe if two bottoms or Tops got together you're going to need something more like an Open Relationship.
On the "KISSING" matter: I am the same way. Sex for me isn't alwas about penetrating. Oral/Intamacy is KEY for me. I can kiss all day and not get tired.
In addition: THis was all about the puppy. Nothing more. This was his show
I love absolutely everything about this!! 🥰🥰 the topic, the conversation, the transparency, the new LOOK, just everything!! 👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿🔥🔥🔥 You truly motivate me! 💯
Beautiful, much needed, nuanced and compassionate discussion. I love literally everything about this video! Thank you Obio for the work you do. The world is better because of your presence.
This was everything! I love when my favs bring enjoyable,relatable, and informative content 😊.
Wow!! Two very handsome men talking about a very interesting and important subject. For me it's always been monogamy only. It's just a part of who i am.
As a large masculine man i have had a difficult time finding an "old fashion" type of love.
I love this kind of conversation.
Totally agree. Thank you
@@hamishmacintyre4600 a fall wedding cool with you? LOL!!! ;-P Kidding
I love that we men are having this conversation in the black community. I hope to see more healthy and prosperous relationships between us black men (gay, bisexual or straight).
Another great episode!
Your show is so refreshing. Thank you for this 🥰🤗
I love him...no judgment just keeping it real and urging responsibility. Top Tier guest
First, let me get into this new set! Secondly, the honest dialogue is top tier✨
I really appreciated this conversation, it was very open and honest while also being informative.
Another great video! I’ll just say you both brought good perspectives and information to the table! For myself when it comes to sex… I’m at a point where if we don’t have a connection it’s not happening! I don’t enjoy sex without a connection anymore. If we can’t communicate about it then it probably won’t happen. Love all of this and the community being created!!✊🏽✊🏽
My man bringing us the conversations we NEED to have
It’s time to fight Chy not u on my man lol jk he is 🤤
Whatever happened to love? Sex has become as common as a handshake and love has become something you "catch" like a virus.
Gay men are all mix up in they mind / most of think they are correct but all wrong
Love is still a thing if person is IN LOVE. not everyone has to nor aspires that, also you can love anyone. Secondly a lot people need friends or just acquaintances instead of love. And sex and love can be separate to me and are. Like pleasure is pleasure, whether by yourself, with someone you love or like. As long as consented and safe it’s fine.
Welcome to the 21st century.
First off Obio you better sing dude! Great convo and great unpacking around sex. Thank you both.
Everything about this conversation is so right!! We needed this 🏳️🌈 Everything has been put on the table and I love it 🙌🏾
This really put a lot into perspective for me since i just came out and the few guys I've met started the conversation with asking about my sexual preference and how many inches I'm packing which is an odd thing to ask someone you just met.
I'm grateful for these conversations.
Very odd to start a convo that way.
I like what you’re doing and I like that your having these conversations publicly that are not being had by many others . i watched you video on pretty privilege after this one. I would love to see a part two to that one addressing peoples comments and concerns with that video . maybe with someone who will give an insight from the other side . i feel like that video wasn’t received well by many so I would I think continuing that conversation is needed .
I keep telling bottoms like myself that I always seem to be able to have great experiences with other bttms. 🤷🏾♂️ It's an experience...sometimes we missing the passion...just for a position.
That's true. I would say that two bottoms more than likely understand the art of compassion and embrace no titles and specific positions. Two bottoms are not putting the other partner under pressure to perform or be a certain way and that is total acceptance and what love, and compassion is. This is true for why a lot of hetero-sexual women wanting the "compassionate" man gravitates to gay men. They crave the compassion and absent of rules that the normal society impose on relationships.
@@livencali1 In general....If gay men....are not open....verse or whatever it makes perfect sense.....seeing as we come into our sexuality usually from a place of shame. We also learn a bit of our sexuality through the ideals of heterosexuality....and even the heterosexuals are afraid to explore thier sexuality. So I'm open to the idea of anything but in particular I'm open to the idea of not being limited. But I like what I like. 🤣😏🤷🏾♂️
Okay I never thought of it that way!
Thank you so much for this conversation! Thinking about what little Ty would have done with hear this conversation. Thank you keep the amazing content coming my Aquarius brother! 🤍
Never heard of you guys before, but this conversation was awesome! Thank you!👍❤️
Obio - Enjoying the expanded format; enjoyed today's conversation you and your guest's commentary! Been following you for a couple of years now; thank you very much! Comments: as a community, the 'gay/queer' community is defined by sex and sexuality. Therefore, it should not be considered unusual that much of the focus of the community is sex and sexuality. When we feel a need for other focus, we can look to other communities that we are probably a part of to satisfy those. For instance, I am a member of a card club; about half of the members are gay, we get together once a month, we focus on cards, food and life in general. Some of us are members of other groups: car clubs, Community Action Boards, recycling industry, Health and Wellness groups. I think it's important for us to be part of the greater community as well as the gay community. Just my thoughts.
Good chat. I often hear conversations about gay sex from a bottom-leaning perspective. I'd love to hear a more inclusive conversation with tops, verse dudes, and bottoms (the primary categories used by gay men to identify their sexual position).
Very good convo. I hope this helps those who find talking about sex difficult and they began to feel comfortable.
The reality is transparent conversation!! Be clear on the respect you want receive and what you’re willing to give.
I like the "set", that art on the wall is very nice.
Obio you need to get picked up for a network because this is great content. Keep going!
Obio, I love your station! BET, Give this man a deal...hell!
Travis is fine as hell, as is Obio. Great conversation.
I concur
Travis is a beautiful man. He definitely has a certain 'je ne sais quoi'. I love the way he carries himself; his assurance and calm demeanor... those attributes typically come with age.
Love this new format❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Great convo! However, I’m with the puppy, lol. Changes positions trying to get comfortable and just being still. So much said without being said. Cheers!
The set, the conversation, and the guest were all so fine. The audio was decent.
When it comes to sex I feel like everyone should respect One another first,And get to know who u dealing with even if it’s just a sexual relationship.
This was great to hear. Thank you!!
I think as I've gotten older. It's really about relationships & truly getting to know person. Intimacy, honesty.
This was a really good conversation! Listen, don’t use lotion 😂
Yes 🙌🏼 Obio it’s the yellow for me
The shame part is so true it hit different
I appreciate emphasis on communication with your sexual partner, your friends and older men in your community. Community is powerful.
Love the episode! He had a great energy. How do you get to be a guest?
Need an episode just on “kissing” because…
I feel ....comfortable here. I'll keep tuning in.
Thank you.🌹
He's back, yaaaayyyyyy
I think it's funny that we are actually saying "hookup culture." That said, the reason I think gay men put such a high emphasis on sex is because we were told for so long that it was not accessible to us, that we were sinning, that we were going to hell. Straight people have always known that getting laid was almost a "right" and that eventually they would settle down and start a family. We were always denied the possibility of settling down with a family and marriage, so we collectively claimed our sex as an FU to the heterosexual world and basically told ourselves we will never be allowed to settle down and marry someone. I think we now see that we have more choices, but for some reason, this "hookup culture" has remained, and with Grindr and other apps sex is so plentiful and easy to the extent that my doctor (who is gay) was telling me that some gay men may have 2-3 partners a day!
SMH jesus christ you completely missed the point, NO surprise tho
One of the important lessons we have to learn is how to exist with our feelings without the need to act on everything. If you "catch" feelings, just have those feelings LOL. It's not an indication that a relationship needs to happen or that they're going to be the person for you. If you're availing yourself to the moment ... you SHOULD feel something lol. If you don't .., why did you come? No experience exists without feelings. Ever lol. Never. Have ALL the feelings.
I needed this word today, I recently met a guy he stayed 4 days with me and slept in my bed but we didn’t have sex, I know he was down but I like him to much and prior to him coming along I considered myself demisexual, and I do think we have a connection just something ain’t fully adding up 🥴 I’m rambling! But the point is you don’t have to have sex until it’s the right time for you! And if you don’t know when the right time is! that means you should probably hold off on it.
Sounds a little strange to stay 4 days, but honestly some people are like that: they don’t like being alone.
Sex is Validated on SEX and Also Cursed because of it! The Aftermath of Sex is regret/remorse. Which is why HIV/STD is the Aftermath of the Actions of this toxic Behavior. Sex is not the Ultimate Love Language its something I feel people use as a Sport not a Romance. Things need to CHANGE
Can we retire the expression "catch feelings"? You catch diseases and baseballs; you have feelings.
I was as entertained by this as I hoped to be. 🤷♂️
That wine had Obio open!!!!
Hearing your libido changes at 30 just messed me up because I already do tew much 😩
I love this conversation. Was the audio a lil distorted?
I love this!
GREAT conversation 😊👏👏
But if you're not 100% comfortable being gay, and you don't want to get caught having gay sex, isn't the basis of this "uncomfortableness" shame? What else would it be?
Exactly
Enjoyed the convo
Very nice. Happy Memorial Day to you.
The thumbnail gave me Swole Young Neil Degrasse Tyson...and I'm kind of into that
It’s the conforming to heterosexual normatives as gay men then attempting to model our relationships and sexual prowess after such leads to failure and confusion. After, being with my now husband for 14 years we have learned to do whatever it is that makes us happy and fulfilled, as long as the respect, time, consideration and pleasure is equal it’s all on the table.
it's the dog fa me...getting comfy lol
Ikr, such a cutie at that.
He was gud bring him back HE WAS AMAZING 👏😂👌
Yellow sweater is very handsome! 💛
Two tops and two bottoms could definitely work. I'd say you would have to have more of a open type of relationship. Most people just want you to change your preference. Everyone is not comfortable bottoming and everyone might not be into topping. Essentially everyone is not versatile.
Uh was the other guy uncomfortable? Lol great topic man. These kind of open conversations are great for the community 🤞🏾
The things Obio are talking about the "pre" conversation is what happens during the dating stage. But people bypass all of that and go straight to sex..the hook up really dont have rules ouuside of a profile unless you make them up as you go along.
A lot of gay men come from a place of hiding and shame that makes sex,which we all need,something we look for that’s quick and unnoticed so that lends to the hook up culture being much more present In the gay culture. I’m older and marriage wasn’t an option growing up and dating was hard to navigate where the only place I knew to meet guys were clubs or Christopher st in nyc and I believe things will change because I’ve witnessed more gays being comfortable, society being more accepting. I push back on the notion that gay men in general are just sexual deviants who only want one thing
I don't believe that he hasn't felt shame. I also think he dances around questions.
So it isn’t just me?! I didn’t think he was a good guest at all. Like everything O asked, he was like “what do you mean?” 🙄
I’m still stuck on the fact that you can sing 💔💔😮💨😮💨 you gotta sing more often!!!! We would love that!!!
I feel like this is an example of some of the big things that. Are wrong we as gay men have to start wanting other men for more than sec and become ok with going through the motions. We can't keep being alone all our life it's not ok. I hate how how everything starts off as sex what about dates , trips, symbolic meaning full things
great convo
Great episode!!!! It's the clapping for me. I'm with you I need kissing. I go longer and it gets me off
Now wait a minute...Come on Vocal!
A lot of it comes down to communication. We don't know how to properly communicate our wants and needs.
So how does sex factor in over 50 ? Is it community service or is the attraction mutual, and how is that tied into worth for an older black gay man.
i wanna kiss you, Obio oooh you got me feeling some type a way my guy
💚 Real Talk 💚
Yes every one just wants to have sex, and you have people on Instagram that is showing their bodies and it has become a complete turn off for me, and I prefer to get to know someone’s mindset.
There are people who are celibate out here . Your comment doesn’t apply to everyone maybe the majority . Also wanting sex is natural feeling.
Amazing Chanel
Great video.
Why is the word "intimacy" so difficult to pronounce?
Well as a young Black one it feels like it’s not an option since I don’t plan on contracting hiv and I have to have an emotional connection with a man to be physically turned on. Of course this isn’t a fact. Simply my feelings.
Thanks!
Interesting ❤️🧡💛💙💚💜
Kissing strangers Naw,Keep Dat
Kissing to me is too intimate...🤔💯
Kissing is 4 Couples 🙌🏾💪🏾💯
I’m able to compartmentalize very well. When I go into a situation and it is just “sex”, it will remain just “sex” unless the other person brings up a conversation. I have had a situation where it began to turn into something else and that was only because I saw him out and we had a drink, then some appetizers and more conversation. As we were walking out, I was like, “Was this an impromptu date?” We laughed but that’s what it was. So then it sort of became “Friends With Benefits”. (A few more outtings every now and then.)
It didn’t work out due to schedules with work and other etc but one thing about gay men, we lead with sex. I can be honest and say that if there’s not a connection sexually, I will just put you in the friend group.
Oh My God…. The chat rooms!!! Wait, that just aged me a bit. #LateTHIRTIES
I feel sex and romance intertwined with each other.
You are so fucking handsome obio
I see, Obio lied about being able to sing
He said someone would be lying if they said sex isn’t important. People seem to think everyone is the same . There are people out here in relationships who are celibate . Let’s not be dumb a… & think because 1 person has to get off the other person can’t refrain . Sex is the most important in a relationship when the person values sex & deep sexual intimacy that goes beyond second base.
Yeah also asexuality exists regardless of the gender so… that was a bit insensitive to say. I agree ppl are different, different levels of libido, and sexual desires. Those who aren’t asexual may also just choose to be abstinent.
❤✅
Now that I'm 33, I feel that I have greater restraint with my sexuality. Not that I'm disinterested in sex...it's just difficult to imagine a hookup. Hookups, and I've had them, feel like fast food. I'm not judging it morally. But getting to know someone, having sex be more comprehensive...I had that in a longterm relationship, going back to hookups just feels like settling. For me, anyway. It's interesting to hear about getting hornier as you got older, for me the reverse is true.
You should have men 50s 60s 70s
And men who been out there.
I know this is completely unrelated but what type of dog is that?