How do I know I'm masking?
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- Опубліковано 5 вер 2024
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Does anyone else kind of prefer interacting with people they know they'll probably never see again? I feel like the longer I know someone, the more careful I have to be about not letting the "unacceptable" neurodivergent parts out. The more interactions I have with someone, the more policing I have to do.
Yes! I really prefer interacting with strangers because if I screw up I can just leave and there are no consequences. Whereas if it's someone I know it's riskier and the anxiety uses way more energy.
100% me!!
I didn't realize there were other ppl like this 😭. This is pretty much 1000% how I operate.
100% yes!
I 100% relate to this. I can spill my guts out to a stranger but it’s so hard with someone I’ve known forever
Before I was diagnosed, I told my psychologist that I found it very strange when I’m with my friends. I told her I sometimes feel like I’m watching a movie with myself casting as the main character and I feel very disconnected. You know deep down you are not your authentic self, yet you cannot pinpoint why. I noticed I don’t tend to feel this way when I am with one best friend. However, when I am with two or more friends, this feeling can be especially strong, especially when these two friends are not from the same circle. I later concluded that it’s probably because when I’m with these friends one on one, I take on a different persona, and each of these personas are natural in the context of one on one. But when you try to bring these two friends together, I feel uncomfortable and it seems to be because I feel like I can’t work out which persona to take on. It’s a very weird feeling.
Same!
Same here! It's comforting to hear others with similar experiences.
Same
I wonder if you are also an empath
❤
I’m not diagnosed with autism nor have I ever self diagnosed myself with it. But masking resonates with me so much, it’s absolutely crazy. I used to have a best friend, and whenever I was around her, I would never mask. She was the only person I wasn’t afraid to be around, or get tired of. Ever since she left, I’ve realized how much I mask and how inauthentic I am; I’ve somewhat created an image for myself.
But anyways thank you for making this video! It was very informative (also you’re really pretty)
Yeah ppl with other conditions do things like masking in a way
Are you ND (ADHD/scizoaffective or other personality disorder such as APD/OPD/BPD)?
I wish you can find similar people to be around. In a certain way, you were lucky to have a person like this.
I LOVE YOUR USERNAME! Can I go with you when you get the tickets?
@@maggie9451 hell yeah that sounds cool
When I was 18 I desperately tried to explain to my doctor that I did not understand the social boundaries and systems that people seemed to naturally understand. More than one doctor said I was saying those things as a way to manipulate people somehow. Nowadays I feel like I am understanding way too much about myself through the lens of autism and it makes me heartbroken for the teenager who I was who had everyone trying to define her actions through a lens of malice.
That's horrible. I'm glad you found out the truth though. When you're done healing from those experiences, don't hold onto the disappointment too long. Especially because we, autistic people, tend to stay stuck with emotions longer. I hope people are more understanding to you now.
:( I'm 21 and this is how I feel too, the other day I felt heartbroken for my younger teenage self (ages 14 through 19 were the toughest) who was so ostracized and so misunderstood and tried so desperately to be understood and accepted. I mean I am still ostracized and isolated now (it's a whole process...) but I am heartbroken for my younger self who blamed it all on herself and treated herself so unkindly
You are definitely not alone in this! When I was younger, I told a psychologist that I perceived other people to be like bugs or robots who could automatically conform to some instinct or programming that seemed to not affect me the same way, so I had to spend a lot of time trying to learn how this programming worked so I can manually apply the rules in social situations to appear to conform appropriately. He proceeded to hand me a book about narcissism personality disorder lol... While I can certainly understand why that type of language can have negative connotations for other people, I never meant to imply that anyone was inherently inferior to me. I guess at the time I simply did not have better language for a less offensive analogy or even a good understanding of my own internal struggles. My entire teenagehood and most of young adulthood was spent believing I was a morally abject individual who lacked the "empathy" necessary to behave as a properly socialized individual and needed to maliciously manipulate people in order to function in society.
Doctors, aka GP level doctors, should not be attempting an autism diagnosis. It has to be done by experts, and they should be referring you onwards.
GPs are on the lookout for the "broad strokes" mental conditions, such as dementia and schizophrenia, and also sociopathy. These are very high priority conditions they are on the hunt for, and indeed should be wary of. But as I said, they are not psychiatrists and should not be making the call.
Being called manipulative is really hard, I'm sorry. I remember being told that what I now recognize as my time blindness was really me being manipulative by "purposely making others late for things." It was so frustrating because who WANTS to go through things like this in life?
It's cool that masking isn't seen so negatively here, when neurotypical people code switch all the time anyway (like speaking work appropriately, casual, etc). It's a tool set, because it is an actual thing in life to adapt to social situations. It's just different people have really different levels of comfort and sensitivity with it. Kinda like people have different levels of spice tolerance or pain tolerance to tattoos or needles.
Cool perspective. I’ve never thought of it that way
Mmmm very good point. So would it be appropriate to call it masking then?
Nah it's not always so positive. I masked so much I forgot who I was and it took years of work to recover. Definitely can be useful but also can be really toxic.
@@wiegraf9009 exactly the same experience I am having right now. I'm 21 and I have masked so much that I don't have any clue who I actually am in social situations. now I have to embark on my long journey of recovering... I'm glad you have recovered
@@keeptaiwanfree Best of luck!!
shell vs comfort zone. people say we should always break our comfort zone, and that's good. but isn't being in our comfort zone sometimes necessary? or, is it NOT a comfort zone BUT a shell (which perhaps we can see as an appendage we have)? Hmm.
that's so true
Sometimes when people say that we should break our comfort zone, they kind of mean a fish out of water situation. I’ve _always_ had trouble being around people and those that I know advised me to put myself into situations where I have to deal with a lot of people. I did that with a couple of jobs and not only did it burn me out but I had terrible anxiety going into work every time.
I use the analogy of working out. If you completely break your comfort zone, you will hurt yourself. If you stay within your comfort zone, you won't see growth.
You want to constantly be pushing yourself; safely and effectively. How much you can push yourself depends on you and your limits.
How much can you push while still being safe? You always want to air on the side of caution. If you spend days recovering, you've actually set yourself back.
@@humanperson8418 except rest is good
@@humanperson8418 still think your analogy applies
“socializing is a manual experience” YESS ABSOLUTELYYY
I feel like I can't do family, friends, relationship part since I think I don't have a relationship with anyone. I try to stay away from people. I don't talk to anyone only when I have to in family gatherings.
I am always anxious all the time
The only time I feel myself is when I am alone. I push everyone away because I feel uncomfortable around people
There our people out there where you can feel like you can fit in.
I personally see the most success when partaking in a hobby, with socialising as a side thing. It means that, instead of focusing on my social skills people focus on talents.
If there is something that you enjoy doing, or would like to learn how to do, I would recommend pursuing that. Try to talk to other people who also like the hobby, but don't make them the focus. By taking the pressure of socialising, and saying "failure with people doesn't matter as I'm here for the hobby", will make being around others easier, and allow you to find the few high-quality friends who like you for you.
This is exactly how I feel, but not sure if there’s a name for it.
You're just like me fr
This is me to a tee. Sounds like SAD (social anxiety disorder). I am 50 years old and have never been diagnosed ASD but there is much crossover or overlap between these conditions. Plus being an introvert is also something else to consider. I enjoy being alone most of the time but I do crave interaction and companionship some of the time. Good news is there are effective tools such as cognitive behavioral therapy and exposure therapy which can help to resolve the issue. I wish you luck and knowing that you are not alone is part of the battle.
You got an answer right there. You feel uncomfortable, and as an uncomfortable feeling person, you push them apart. Find the exact reason of your discomfort, then try to overcome it. Not for them, for you.
You see, people’s opinion mean nothing. Your opinion means your life. Your comfort, your goals and your tranquility.
Go understand your discomfort, knowing that the only opinion that matters is your own.
In my 40s, I go outside maybe once or twice a week just to be outside and socialize with ppl in stores I frequent. I don't have that need for close relationships. It's nice in theory but I find them exhausting. I never found someone I can truly be comfortable with. Even when socializing with strangers. I go home and ruminate over the interactions for hrs. Upset I didn't make enough eye contact. Upset I didn't show more confidence. Upset that I can come across childlike and not be taken seriously. I'm smart in my brain but when I open my mouth it's the opposite. Or I think it's that way. That in itself is exhausting enough.
Speaking of “stable” or “sensitive” people- a bunch of nuerodivergent people hanging out can be amazing or awful. My ADHD friends and I can have a great time if we’re all excited, extroverted, and feeling fun. But if one of us is having a day where we feel sad, sensitive to noise, and irritable, it can be tough.
Thanks for representing masks in a way that isn't inherently negative. I like it. I used to mask a lot without realizing, and didn't get properly diagnosed with ASD & ADHD until I was 19, due to a sudden inability to mask because of burnout. Masks can be necessary, I dress alternative (to be fair, I'm fully aware this is a personal choice) and I find people are generally nicer & more accepting of me if I mask. Masking has also saved me from men with bad intentions. Thankfully I spend a lot of time alone or with my boyfriend who also has ASD, so I don't have to mask all the time, which has given me more control over it. Learning how to "feel" my mask has helped too. It can be dangerous to unmask around some people, so I feel safer with it. Sadly I have lost some friends that I instinctively used to mask around, but I think I'm better off w/o people who only like me if I'm masking. Good video!
I burned out really hard when I was 19 too, and still haven't recovered 7 years later. I also lost my ability to mask and it has led to an intense identity crisis that idk if I will ever overcome. I was so adept at mirroring others that when I lost that skill, I didn't feel like anyone anymore. I feel a little better nowadays, but it's still difficult and I hope I'll be able to accept myself as I am as well as develop healthy masking.
I think that's a common reason to get diagnosed later on in life. You had been masking effectively, but something in your life pushes you to the point where you need that capacity for something that can't be avoided.
Needing to know who's at a social situation is so important to me, I hate walking into a social situation thinking it's gonna be one thing and suddenly there are people I didn't account for there and now I have switch gears into a different social setting.
My mother is extremely sensitive and insecure, since I have memory she mistakes my true self as malicious. I used to mask extremely as a child to please her, being a cheery, extroverted child that allowed her to dote on me as much as she wanted to, because when I was the way I naturally am she'd yell at me, sneer at me, ignore me and generally dislike me. Eventually I grew tired of it. She constantly starts fights due to perceived slights, over the littlest things... like me not noticing she had a hair in her eye, for example. It's insane. It has me bordering on meltdowns on a daily because her mood is unpredictable. I'm an adult and it's this bad already, I can't imagine how bad it was when I was a child. I have a dissociative disorder due to childhood trauma. And now I can see why I got amnesia up to age 11! It's awful living with a person that interprets your inherent self as a malicious entity that should be extricated and beaten into compliance. Awful.
It sounds like your mother may be a narcissist? There's another youtube channel that may be helpful for you, Doctor Ramani
Your situation is so similar to mine. It breaks my heart that anyone else out there has to go through that too. I really hope things are improving for you. By the way, your art is incredible! I'm a huge Zelda fan.
I was diagnosed with a panic disorder as a nine year old and went to a lot of therapy for that. I have a younger half-brother who is now that age and was diagnosed with autism recently. It makes me think about all the struggles I faced in my childhood and teenage years that were mostly dismissed as a "side part" to my disorder. It seems like I've been masking a lot throughout my life, especially at school. A lot of my anxiety, panic, fatigue and migraines were related to long days, overstimulation and social interactions. It makes me wonder if maybe the panic disorder has been the "side part" all along and not the other way around.
I don't know if it really matters, but it's an interesting thought. Either way, your video was really helpful. Thank you.
Are you afab? Women get diagnosed much less and also not taken seriously. I’m in the same boat rn. Much love to you!
@@dilfhunter77 Yeah, I am. It's good to know I'm not alone. much love to you too and good luck!
I don't know if this will help you, but I was also diagnosed with an anxiety disorder when I was 8-9 years old, then social anxiety when I was 12. I'm 18 now and I was recently diagnosed as autistic. My anxiety has always been because of my autism. It's worth researching, especially if you were/are female.
I relate. I believe I developed anxiety due to my parents constant criticisms of the way I walked, sat, spoke, looked, did anything... so had to excessively mask constantly. As an adult I started not caring about what people thought about me and the mask started going away and so did the anxiety
Being a dude who’s spent the last 30 years of his life faking, acting, masking - doing myself harm for the good of others. To fit. I feel as if most of my unaware masked living was a lie. A well curated invention, designed not for me.
I’ve swore not to fall into this rut again, and to analyse myself profoundly, ceaselessly, in order to be myself.
Good luck, you people. Be yourselves FOR YOURSELVES. We are odd, and so what? It’s marvellous giving oneself permission to be weird.
Live up.
This is why I love my boyfriend so much. He’s literally the only person I can not mask with. I didn’t know I could not be overwhelmed when being around literally anyone and I was coming to peace with probably feeling alone forever. I have a lot of love for people but it’s frustrating being in that moment and not being comfy. It knocks me out for days. My boyfriend is also ND so it’s nice being with someone who’ll share the comfort of being alone.
I've tried on so many personas over the years that I'm just now exhausted. I'd like for the world to just let me exist in peace now.
I always felt so dumb because I can never organize my thoughts or keep track of them. And I’ve always felt like the odd one out amongst my friends as a child and I’d always be mildly bullied, or the butt of the joke. I never paid attention in class and was always just labeled as “chatty” and none of my teachers or my parents stopped to wonder if there was an underlying reason. I still haven’t been professionally diagnosed but I should really try to get myself sorted.
Girl. I recently found your channel and I'm shook. I feel like you're reading my life back to me and I couldn't be more thankful for your genuine & at length descriptions. Life 👏changing 👏revelations 👏
Alos, I just wanted to say: All of the content work you're putting in, sharing parts of yourself with strangers on the internet, taking the time to describe in detail - you're making a huge difference in the lives of people you may never see or interact with. I SEE YOU & I'm so grateful to you! Thank you ❤️
After an adult autism and adhd diagnosis a couple of years ago, I’ve been struggling to understand when I’m masking. Your video has been the most helpful resource I’ve found. Thank you, thank you, thank you so much.
I was recently diagnosed with ADD but I started suspecting I was neurodivergent around two years ago. The last year I've been trying to stop masking, as it is very tiring and I like myself much more when I don't mask, but I still end up smiling at all times, making my voice higher and others. I naturally don't smile more and have a "rude" tone of voice so I started uncounsciously masking since I was a kid. The only person I feel comfortable not masking with is my broother, since he understands me and doesn't interrogate me or get mad at me when I don't want to smile. It confuses me tho, I thought that masking was exclusive to autistic people but I don't qualify as autistic.
SAME except the add ADD part, i also have strong people pleasing tendencies because i’m afraid of being unlovable, but tbh i’m glad other people feel similar to the way i do, it’s a lil comfort
edit: i… might actually have ADD as well lmao
Masking is a thing with adhd or just people in general to some extent
@@julius-ceasar sameee
Add and autism have a lot in common. Masking, especially under women and girls with add, is also a thing in the adhd spectrum.
Underrated video and I'm not even Autistic, I'm ADHD, I wish more people were informed on these topics that are so interesting and useful
I’m in the process of a major declutter but when I’ve got most of it sorted, I’m going to get these work books and work through them as I can see they could be a really useful tool in moving forward and avoiding major burnouts ~ I’m in recovery but with the right support I’m coming through what has been a 6 year burn out which was so intense that it has forced me to get to understand myself, the autism and adhd, so that I set myself up for success this time and have my routines work for me, and while working on my communication skills my future interactions can be kept to what’s necessary/to a minimum but they’ll be better as I’ll be more authentic. Thanks 😊
I'm in the same process. You got this :)
@@hannahk.summerville5908 🙏🏽💗💞
Thank you so much for your videos 💙
Could you do a video on alexithymia sometime in the future? I myself can only describe my feelings as neutral (not feeling anything), nervous (body trembles and annoying feeling in belly like butterflies), stressed (bad headache and stomach cramps like a knot, hair pulling) or overwhelmed (can’t think, too much noise and people and need to get away from that place). I don’t understand other emotions. How do you know what you feel? Every time someone asks me how I am, I can only answer that I’m fine, like always, normal. It’s like there’s no other words for it and I don’t get why my body has to be annoying and make my hands and voice tremble and not let me think properly when there’s more than like three people around me. And when someone says how they feel I can’t really understand either (for me it’s either good, neutral or bad).
Another thing I can’t control is that I have a smile on my face when I am uncomfortable and sometimes I laugh a little too when I’m uncomfortable. Is there a way to stop myself from doing that? Cos people ask me what I find funny and there’s nothing.
I would also like her to do a video on it. In the meantime, type it in to youtube, there are some patients with alexithymia explain their experience. One I found helpful was a person who explained that when she writes, her body seems to tell her how she feels…she feels separated from that and surprised by what she writes. I have the exact same experience and have been trying to find answers to this bizarre issue. I’m happy it is one way to gain some understanding. The only way I have made progress is to listen to audiobooks that are self help, writing and answering journal questions about emotions and things like trauma. (I did journaling from melanie beattie’s codependency books and those surprised me, I did some from patrick carnes book “the betrayal bond” which was so good and I do some from patrick leahans videos on trauma, inner child work and family systems). Also, there is a 30 day emotion processing class on “therapy in a nutshell” channel on youtube. That helped. The “anxiety guy” channel has an inner child work guided meditation that brought out a lot of emotion/understanding for me. I like to do guided meditations, guided visualizations and body scans. All help me become more
Connected to my body and how I’m feeling. The books and youtube videos provide me with examples and terms that I take to therapy and from there my therapist has led me to some important information about myself….but its very hard to do on my own. Also, printing out an emotion wheel helps because you can read through them when triggered and it helps identify the emotion via process of elimination. There is an emotion wheel that includes physical feelings on the outside of the wheel and ties it to related emotions. Also, in therapy when you discuss life events and problems, therapists can verbalize what types of feelings are common reactions and talking through that helps. I did interviews with close friends/family to get insight in to how i act/behave and what they observe. That was helpful. I’m going to try google imaging “journal questions for alexithymia” or “workbook for alexithymia”. Also do a learning style quiz and search info via learning style. I am audio visual and so audiobooks and youtube videos or verbal instruction help me as well as infographics and pictures. Good luck.
Dr k has a video on that maybe check it out
He seems nice and credible
this video was so helpful!
thank you for aplroaching masking not as a bad thing necessarly. lots of people talk about it like it has to be completly abolished from our lives, but they don't take into consideration that unmasking can be unsafe for lots of people; that it can even be a good things in one's life; for some it is also a way to explore certain parts of them within different scenarios...
i don't know if this made sence completly but yeah
I'm a mid-30s male, and I realized pretty late in life that in social situations I really exhibit no personality of my own. My style of speaking, phrases, and hand movements are all directly copied or imitated from people I've known in the past. Sometimes friends, but more frequently bosses or mentors who I've looked up to. Now that I'm diagnosed, it's obvious this is how I chose to mask my social deficits for the majority of my life.
I just found your channel and i love it. I was diagnosed autistic at 3 years old. I grew up with drug dealer/addict parents and my dad and stepdad was in and out of prison. We also moved around a lot because of the police following us. I also ended up in foster care for a couple years. Having autism and never knowing my future with my family and myself, I put all feeling on the back burner and shut off the emotion and never share with anyone/avoid all interaction. I love seeing these videos to help me understand how I am with people and myself and what I need to work on.
I like how you enunciate and speak at a pace which I consider “normal” rather than rushing through. 😊
I'm only 7 minutes in but I feel like I already have more words to explain my situation to a doctor if I do end up trying to get diagnosed. English isn't my first language but I live in an english speaking country so this is a huge help. I feel like I know exactly what you're talking about but you have a more understandable way of explaning it than I have had so far!
I just realized a lot of things about myself. I was homeschooled so I didn’t really learn how to mask at a young age, which made it VERY hard for people to approach me and try to make friends when I was in sports. Literally NO ONE ever talked to me. The same as in my first job at 15. Looking back, the only people who talked to me In all my jobs was other neurodivergent people who knew how to look past it. I started figuring out how to mask in my second semester in college and the amount of ppl I met who told me they thought I hated them was crazy.
I've purchased all of your Etsy products and I'll vouch for them. It is so refreshing to have tools like these from an autistic and ND perspective.
you are one of the only people on this platform thats video actually calms me down, most cannot calm me down thank you for making these
Any discussion of masking reminds me of the Beatles song Eleonore Rigby "wearing a face that she keeps in a jar by the door. Who is it for?" 😢 The song doesn't mention autism per se, only social isolation and loneliness, but the metaphore is extremely apt.
I can’t wait to buy your workbooks. This is amazing. I love that you compare how your masks change over time with the same people. That’s so helpful to me, because I really struggle with knowing how much I should give to a relationship and knowing what healthy vs toxic actually is. That whole choosing your battles thing never made sense to me because idk the criteria. Sometimes, because I don’t understand it, I apply this weird black and white thinking that I’ve learned from others and it ends up leading to me burning a lot of bridges and when I emotionally thaw out from the experience, I feel the need to go back and tie up the loose end and apologize, which hasn’t really been healthy for me.
This is such a clear way to make these evaluations and know what to look for. I’ve never seen the mask described so clearly and in a mapped out way. I guess I’ve been looking to describe that experience and the varying levels of masking for a long time. This is changing my life right this moment.
your self awareness is extraordinary. thank you for sharing your work and thought process for us to consider and integrate.
Thank you for making this,
I have a lot of symptoms of autism (I'm not gonna say I do but I'm going to talk to a professional). It helps to know that people feel the same way I do.
the levels of masking @ 14:11 really helped me break down the masks i have like i hadn’t really thought about the difference between my mask with someone who i have a stable relationship with & someone who i have an unstable history with & someone who i haven’t spoken to much, but each of those masks (among others) are slightly different
anyway! loved the video & subscribed!!
This was so helpful. I feel a massive weight off of me just to see and hear you and do this work book with you ❤. I literally just shed a tear because I feel so understood and my ways are clicking to myself and that’s all I ever want.
You have said how I feel but could never say in so many videos just perfectly. I also have ADHD and Autism and my partner and I are learning so so much!
I found in later years as I reduce the need for masking, I don't need to isolate as much and feel less drained as a result. I think the term is de-masking. I do worry still and find myself adhering to behavior that can be seen as being more suitable. But the more I shift my behavior in line to how I behave alone, I find myself being more comfortable, having more energy and generally feeling happier. I think it helps that I don't particularly care about the opinion of others, more about my opinion of others response to my own actions. Learning this has lead me to be more comfortable in social dynamics and helped me better understand myself for the opportunity to progress, improve and develop as a better person.
I felt so seen in the relationship part. Thank you. Relationships are hard fr and sometimes the masking is tiring but I love him and I know we both want to put in the effort for our relationship to flourish.
I appreciate this so much! It's all these things you're painfully aware of in the back of your mind but putting it on paper to voice it in a way, see the progress and then you can assess what to do differently if you need to is great. Thank you for another great tool.😊
Oh wow, I thought I understood masking but you just explained it so in depth, thank you!
This makes me feel so heard! I am dealing with a “Coworker A” at this job, and it’s caused me to become so burnt out that I’m calling in more than once a month!
I just found your channel and I’m so happy to have finally found someone like me. I’ve always hated the fact that I have autism but your videos are seriously so helpful and informative❤️
So structured and simple, what an awesome way to analyze your interactions and relationships. Love it ❤
Irene is the Goddess of Peace. I love that you're showing us how to find peace in our own minds. Im very happy i found you and your channel. ❤️
Wow this is brilliant. I can tell will be really helpful to compliment therapy for me, thank you Irene❤
Great video! Thank you for this tool 💜 I just wanted to say something, it bothered me a little that you use "sensitive" as something "bad", I think I would use "reactive". I know this might be a me problem because I've been told I'm "too" sensitive and to "tone down" a lot, but I'm not reactive almost never. So yeah, other than that, loved the video! 💜
my therapist recommended your channel! can't wait to go through your videos and learn tons about my autism :)
You bring me so much understanding... I don't have people to talk about this level of stuff with. Thanks so much for what you do. 🙏❤
This is my first video of yours i watched and I have to say, you have changed my life. I was diagnosed with adhd at age 29, 3 years later still learning more about myself. I never knew the term “masking” before, now i’m shook at how you just answered something I knew I was experiencing but couldn’t figure out what it was. It all makes sense to me now. Thank you so so much, you are a blessing. I will be supporting you for sure!!!❤️❤️❤️❤️
I find that talking with people is a gruelling experience where I must pick my responses, maintain my expression and body language, and make absolutely sure they understand me while I barely understand them sometimes. Even with my friends I get stressed out and bored, it’s like a chore. I love them, but they still exhaust me as I barely understand what they want out of me.
Then there’s the fear that they’ll leave me, that they hate me and just won’t say it. That they’d rather spend their time with anyone else but settled for me.
And the people who have convinced me they’re there for me? I fear them too. I’m even more scared of losing them, of them getting close enough to know me more than I know myself. I don’t want anyone to depend on me.
I’ve noticed the only time I don’t feel this way, is when I get to rattle on about my interests to someone I KNOW is as invested in them as I am. I can keep going for HOURS and never get bored or fearful I’m being annoying. My obsession with the topic won’t allow it.
I feel like a terrible person for it, despite my best efforts to be there for people I just get burnt out and go days without speaking to anyone with more than simple greetings.
Anyways, I talked about that a bit with my doctor and he told me I’m likely masking. He said most folks don’t manually have to alter their body language and facial expressions, that they don’t think and rethink their responses in real time, or continually criticize themselves and try to be more natural, be more in the moment, actually listen to the person, stop smiling, stop biting your nails- apparently people just do it and their subconscious does the body language stuff for them?? Apparently people don’t need to think out their words before they say it, or have trouble doing it while there’s noise or talking??
So that’s why I’m here! I think he’s talking bullcrap when he says these aren’t typical things, but I’m here for the self-exploration.
Now onto actually watching the dang video. Whoever read this whole thing, have a cookie and maybe confirm if this is typical person behaviour or not. Thanks
Thank you for your continued efforts, your videos really help me to better get to know myself!
Another fantastic resource! Thank you Irene 💙
thank you so much for your helpful content
Thank you so much for all you do. You’ve helped me understand myself finally after all these years of confusion. I would have a different persona that I would go into with different people depending on the interaction and I would always say to myself that I couldn’t be 100% myself with anyone. I have always been searching for that one person they I could be 100% myself with but now I know that’s probably never going to happen and you know what, I can be ok with that now knowing how my autism works. You’ve given me such peace with these things that I thought were wrong with me. Thank you ❤
I feel like everyone has some 'masks' in many social and public situations, I've talked about it with friends and colleagues. Not trying to take away from anything or devalue your diagnosis or anything. I think the fact that everyone (consciously or unconsciously) is prone to adjusting for certain situations makes us similar. And it's also okay that way. ♥
That’s not masking. That’s a psychological term called “conformity”.
Masking is when a neurodivergent person has to completely change their being to fit in with societies norms. Conformity is when a group of people follow a specific societal expectation in certain situations.
I think, as someone who is not autistic, this deep analysis of how human interaction takes place and our responses should be a science in and of itself. It seems to me that everyone masks to some degree, none of us just perfectly conform to societal expectations. If more neurotypical folks were aware of these concepts, there would be less volatility and i think all people would benefit.
Over the past few years (I’m 26) I’ve really been wondering if I have autism. I was diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago and I know there is some overlap.
That being said, I kind of assumed most of this was normal 😭
Your existence makes me happy, thank you so much
6:59 I definitely feel the manually switching gears in my head when I’m actually trying to socialize but most of the time even in my own home with my boyfriend (who’s really the only person I see or talk to) I feel like I’m just on autopilot like I’m more or less going with the flo and only feel like I should talk or respond if he says something to me bc he gets mad when I have to stop and think for 5 minutes about what it is exactly I’m trying to say and end up saying the wrong thing anyway
I can’t believe that at age of 45 I found someone who feels exactly like me. I always felt uncomfortable & weird, wanting socialization, but extremely drained & overstimulated afterwards. I have bad OCD on top of that which I understand now is just survival technique not to go completely crazy. I never thought I am masking & never thought about it as being autistic, but this video answered a lot of my questions.
Now the question is how to treat it? Is there a medication to make life easier? I had a lot of losses in terms of jobs & friends because of me being weird.
i really really wish i had the brain space to listen to all your videos . i am sure I could learn so much from you
The pace was a little slow for me. I sped it up to 1.25 and it helped me a little bit. I'm not sure if that is the issue you're having, but it made it easier for me to listen.
For you, this medium is an intersection of all the optimal internal and external conditions of valence and qualia in (what seems to be) a convergence of your truly authentic self on your best days.
You could call it "flow".... because I sense no flatness in affectation... mannerism, gesture or any other awkward-type idiosyncrasy.
Is there anyone in your "real life" that you're like this - or as close to this with - in fluency and flow.
I have practically identical background is you... with the addition of nine concussions and a two-week coma from a wreck in Washington DC.
I'm asking for my own personal reflection and assessment. When I was a kid I didn't say much but could draw everything.
How many days a week do you feel this fluent?
You're going to be one of the more successful people on this platform.
You're very talented.
I forfeited a 75% ride at one of the major art institutions in America... and so I can spot all the areas of quality in abilities.
Your worksheets and resources demonstrate this.
Thanks so much for your reply,
Thank you so much for this super useful guide thru masking such a great way to process it all & manage energy. Really thank you so much this is so helpful & relatable, you make it so much easier to understand ❤ you are a god send bless you ❤ big love 🙏✨
you are an innovative communicator. Thank you for your sharing of your gift.
I had a phase where I was extremely outgoing and talked to everbody, I partied every day. And then I have a phase till now where I just can't talk long with others. I can't party, I can't find new friends. what is this? is this my adhd? I thought I CAN'T have autism when I'm like this.....
bipolar +autism maybe!?
autism is just amplified state to very very extreme (mind, senses, other components or other abilities or disabilities, etc) ..basically ..at the "core". as example, a simple panic or shutdown or sensivity or ability/disability etc it's very extreme or extremely amplified for the persons that have autism without techniques or strategies to organize themselves (where masking would be just a strategy too (just that for surviving socially and not be cast out of tribe) ).
I’m blaming adhd too bc I’m the same way and have adhd
Thank you for this video. I`m undiagnosed, but pretty sure I might be autistic. The list of 10 questions strenghtens that because I can answer all those questions with YES, PRETTY MUCH or OFTEN. I also really liked the lists to see why certain situations feel far more draining than other situations. Where I halve almost no mask with my wife. A thin mask with my children but a pretty thick mask outside of those 3 people.
I’m so grateful for your channel girlie you have no idea 🫂
These products are so beautiful and amazing, thank you for this amazing resource!
I do not know, but when you compare the before and now in at 26:00, it gives me an immense pleasure. I can literally feel something melting in the top back of my head and in the areas of the head if you touched top of the ears with your thumbs and placed normally spread out fingers around the sides of the back of your head. Connected to gut, where ribcage meets belly.
Thank you, your videos are so helpful and beautifully said. And thank you so much for including gender diverse individuals!
You sound like an INFJ from MBTI. I understand you. I go through everything you listed as well. I initially started this video for my daughter but I am wondering if I am autistic. Thank you so much for this video.
ty for all your videos! your voice is very soothing and coupled with the content they have helped me a lot recently :)
Masking is .. burning my soul but can’t stop it either.
Can you mask from those closest to you? Especially masking how you cope with executive dysfunction?
I’m trying to unmask, I’ve let my friends and sister know that I am self-diagnosed, we spoke about it and they all thought they were a safe space for me, and I was more or less unmasked around them. But I think I’m month 3-4 into unmasking and I’m beginning to unmask my sensory issues even more, my emotional dysregulation that I hid and just thought it was "anger at the world". I think I’m beginning to notice things that both me and my friends would say "oh we are just having one of them days" or "I hate cleaning, I’ll do it tomorrow." Is causing me shutdown or meltdowns. How can I tell my friends that I want to clean my flat, I want a clean fridge and I want to meal prep but it makes me cry? And I hate how water feels on my hands? But I also hate the texture of gloves? How can I say I know I don’t have to clean my fridge to make smoothies for the week? Or that I would just like someone to be there in silence as I meal prep so I don’t live off toast for the week? I’m kind of getting exhausted unmasking, and suddenly my responses that used to be the same as theirs to my fatigue, my irritation and meltdowns being different. Unmasking is exhausting.
@Trinity M I assumed it was, I’m unmasking and waiting for an assessment. I’m not quite sure, I never considered ADHD or OCD because my sister has it. And she has a lot of anxiety around things- like closing her front door three times, asking me to check it etc. needing a clean space. And she is so forgetful, I never forget things unless I’m exhausted. Although there’s something about cooking that makes me glitch- I’ll place my phone on a hot hob, or burn my palm 😂
And I know I have aspects of my life where I desire control, and if I don’t have it I feel like I’m drowning or don’t really know myself. And I get confused why what I envisioned doesn’t match reality, but I never thought it was ADHD/ OCD cause my therapist said it was me wanting to control what I can, and taking on traits my mum taught me. I didn’t think it was OCD because I’m alright with having a unclean space, I think I just get upset that my space isn’t clean, and my weekly lifestyle tracker isn’t done and I haven’t made it to the gym. I think I like control & routine but a part of me also likes mess. Group therapy would be great but I’m not sure I can get it at the moment. I’m hoping an diagnosis would mean I’m considered more.
@Trinity M I’m replying twice because your response has gotten me to think deeply. I think I’m going to make time for a deep analysis to explore what it is. I’ve only been reading autism research and books cause I didn’t think I had the other two. I don’t think I meet the criteria for ADHD, I thought I had it before but then said nope that’s not me.
We are an OSDD System in an autistic female body. This is one of the most useful and life changing vid we have witnessed yet to this day!🤘
I love your dragonfly icon. I like bugs but mostly moths. Dragonflies are also cool but not a special interest of mine.
Omg you just described me! I’m 100% sure I’m Autistic. I always knew all my life that I am different. Then I had my son and he’s diagnosed as Autistic. He has many of the traits that I have. I realizeI have masked all my life. I was also highly interested in human behavior and understanding people. I was always the last one to get a joke and laughed to cover that even though I was still confused. I’m glad I’m not alone.
This is so interesting and helpful, I love the way you think and conceptualize things 🔥thank you💖✨
I do remember actively and deliberately masking for many years in my youth and especially throughout high school, because I also remember how exhausting it was to do all the time, totally draining. Eventually, at some point, I kind of reached a tipping point and eventually snapped, all the sudden feeling very “eh fuck it” about the entire charade of masking, after a prolonged few years of incredibly focused masking in order to rise up into the “popular kids” group. I funneled literally every single ounce of energy I had into masking and gaining their approval, and even with trying 100%, I still couldn’t pull it off all the way. People still could sense I was weird. What’s the point of having my entire existence revolve around masking it isn’t even possible for me ever achieve my goals with it.
Then, I don’t really remember actively masking anymore after that. But I often wonder if I just don’t recognize the masks at all anymore, and this reflexive involuntary version of me is actually just a mask to begin with. I don’t think I will ever know.
I am ADHD but this really seems to apply. I usually check out of going off for social events and things cos it makes me very uncomfortable, anxious, nervous, jittery, and I have to pretend a lot
when i’m extremely anxious or around new people i become hyper aware of my every move and over analyze every thing i do. it sucks and i feel like a robot. i will often overexert myself in order to try and compensate because i feel uninteresting or weird it’s ridiculous 😭😭
You have to realize that masking IS an authentic part of yourself; to fit in and be accepted by others is part of who you are.
I thought I was an extrovert all my life but now I am questioning as I am forced to unmask (motherhood plus marriage failure trauma). Unmasking is showing me how judged I am as my unmasked self and it’s so painful. I cannot keep my mask on anymore after thirty years of masking. I have one true friend left and I have no idea why they stuck around. It hurts to be alone.
thank you so much for what you do. we need you. you are a blessing :) 💕
wow dude that was amazing i have been trying to figure out what has been going array with my job it was like all of sudden people spoke a different language but really i have probably been dealing with burnout for awhile and so the cracks have been showing in my mask. Needless to say I love this whole video and your workbook my goal is to become a therapist just need to get into grad school and i can definitely see me recommending this workbook to people.
I don’t know how to describe the feeling but sometimes I don’t know who I am. Like the mask and me are one in the same, like I have spent so long masking I don’t know how much of me is the mask and how much of me I isn’t. But I feel like an imposter, like I’m always lying but can never stop.
I was misdiagnosed for years,even the dr that did end up diagnosing me had given prior diagnoses until I was able to call out specific things I’ve done my entire life and my experience , I’d been masking in these appointments and even to myself, I never thought these things I experienced were important so I didn’t tell them
I appreciate what you do and cannot express just in words how much I appreciate it.
I am not a professional but I believe that everyone is on the same spectrum that autism is on and it is a emotional cognizance spectrum.
The importance of this is there is no normal. There is only a place on the spectrum for you. And every person falls somewhere on that spectrum irregardless of race or religion or creed.
Is there maybe a median Individual on that spectrum but that Individual maybe A member of a minority group in society not a majority.
Any type identified as "normal" along the spectrum is only identified as such because of the way society operates.... There is no normal only a spot along the spectrum
It’s so important to differentiate positive masks from neutral or positive masks like this!
Some people I mask around because I know if I don’t, I might end up with a difficult confrontation, I’m walking on eggshells because if *I* don’t put in the effort, they won’t, and then they’ll blame me. It’s a safety shell, so it’s useful in that situation, but it negatively affects my mental health, so it’s better for me to avoid those people/situations where possible.
Some people I mask around just out of courtesy. I know they won’t harm me in any way, physically or mentally, but I also know I could make them uncomfortable if I don’t mask, and that not masking means I’ll have to put in more effort to explain. These masks can be more or less tiring, and I might avoid them depending on my state of mind. When masking in these situations, I’m aware it might be out of habit and anxiety rather than out of necessity. It’s useful at times to keep me in civil situations or to gauge other people, but it isn’t dangerous to drop.
Some people I mask around because I genuinely want to. The mask is still going to use more energy, but I care about them, and the mask isn’t *hiding* aspects of myself. I’m masking because I know their needs, and I want to accommodate that, and I also know they will try to accommodate mine. I usually have these with other close ND friends, since we would both be aware and understanding of each others’ particular needs. This mask is used out of kindness, and in a mutually accommodating situation, so there’s a very healthy dynamic there. I know that if I drop my mask due to burnout or laziness, they won’t be weirded out or dangerous, even though it might out more pressure on them. While I know interactions with this mask aren’t the “full” me I am when I’m unmasked, they’re still enjoyable, and there’s still truth enough that I don’t feel like I’m performing someone else.
Some people, I don’t mask around. Maybe I used to use a negative or neutral mask on them, but I eventually dropped it when I was in a situation I knew was safe and when I knew they weren’t the kind of person I would bother getting close with. Maybe they were someone I was close with who I realized was using too much energy for masking or that I had an issue with, and I could no longer muster the will to mask for their benefit. Maybe they caught me on a burnout day when I couldn’t mask. Either way, after risk vs reward analysis, I figured out that masking would harm me more than it helped me.
Other situations might be horrible to drop the mask in. You don’t want to drop a mask during a job interview, or when a friend is having a mental breakdown and masking is keeping them comfortable. There are times when existing in a society with other people requires masks. There are times when masking is the least helpful thing in the world to you. You need to take time to understand yourself and your masks to keep yourself safe and happy. There are situations where you *shouldnt* have to mask where you just anyways, but there are always *some* situations where you can control these things and keep yourself safe and healthy.
ive got adhd, but these things are so close to each other that everything that she(you depends if you read this😋) said fits perfectly 100%
even tho i mask a lot less since i have my diagnose, but still do with every social interaction. even a little bit with my 10 year long relationship. i can be mask-less with him, but i notice that when i go to bed i really need like a half an hour or 1 hour me time so i always stay up longer then he does. it still frustrates me that im masking so much, its exhausting to do with every social contact/gathering and would love to do it less. and as you said it feels fake for an other person while im actually feeling that i am genuine at that moment. i had that so many times. once an old colleague of mine told me she hated my guts because i was so fake in her eyes. but when that place started to feel like home, i dropped my masks a bit, just did my things instead of trying to make people like me. then she got to know me as i am without mask, and she loves the "real" me. still i feel i was real the whole time, so it still did hurt a bit that she said that(its been 15 yrs, still thinking of that moment and recapping it 😅)
I’ve always wondered why there’s way fewer women diagnosed with neurodivergency compared to men, seems like masking has a lot to do with that. Sad to think about how many people are out there just not knowing what is going on with them and just not getting the help they need.
Yes for sure 😊
Why is it good to get diagnosed?
Does it help to just learn about it, like these videos? Or is there something better out there to learn & know?
@@chilloftena diagnosis often comes with specific recommendations so you can work on accommodating yourself, and you also have legally protected accommodations in school and the work place which can be extremely vital. Without a diagnosis, I wouldn’t have accommodations that make it possible for me to succeed in college.
@@tedddybear No accommodations are made for folks in my field. You would be smeared by the evil.
I guess this answered the question on whether I mask. At least I mask less around my friends. Far less.
Edit: love the vid
This was randomly recommended to me I never get this stuff but I have been struggling with assimilation but thanks for making this
Timestamps for myself
1:19 - Introduction/What is masking?
2:31 - Scripting
5:22 - How do I know I'm masking?/Ask yourself (10 Q's)
13:45 - Levels of masking and scripting, masking comfort, and situations to mask for
16:14 - Workbook: Understanding family masks
19:22 - Workbook: Understanding friend masks
22:47 - Workbook: Understanding relationship masks
26:02 - Workbook: Understanding work masks
28:14 - Workbook: Understanding stranger masks
31:18 - Workbook: Understanding hobby masks
I finally bought the workbook 😌 Looking forward to using this 💚
This was enormously insightful. Thank you for all you do :)
The big question is not whether I am masking in general or post factum but how to know I am masking in that very moment I do and how would it look like if I did not. Because to me it feels that if I did not mask I would run through a wall.
I just started reading the book Divergent Mind and it has been super helpful
It seems like part of masking is for the sake of others and part of it is for the sake of self.
I mask so I will fit in.
I mask as to not hurt other peoples feelings.
I mask as to not be attacked by others with negative emotions.
I'm confused as to why I primarily mask?
Do I mainly mask because I am “too much” for others and they wouldn't be able to handle me without me masking? If so what does “too much” and “handle” mean in this context?
Or do I mask to fit in, to be accepted by society, the croup, family, relationships?
Do I mask because I am too sensitive and I don't want to be attacked by other peoples judgements?
What parts of me do I mask the most?
And what is the difference between a “mask” and “ego”? Is the mask only there to control the perception people have of me? Am I trying to protect others from me or me from others by masking parts of myself?