Discover your neurodivergent masks
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- Опубліковано 27 гру 2024
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Hey guys! I’ll be filling out the workbook on next week’s video. Go download it now so we can do it together🤗
I really love your energy ♥️ what a wonderful mission statement for your channel! ADHD with anxiety including social anxiety here. Much overlap apparently.
Had to stop watching after less than 5 minutes. Far too many texts pop ups distracting me from the verbal audio and not left on screen long enough to read anyway. The repeat need to pause and rewatch would have meant your 17 minute edit could have taken 30 minutes to watch. 😢
Growing up, I honestly didn’t realize the masking until I thought about how different and more “free” I was when I was alone. I remember one or twice a week I would get two hours of pure alone time at home. Those two hours were what I looked forward to all week, and I recall calling it being able to “decompose”.
I realised I was autistic when i noticed I was a completely different person with my parents and my long-term partner (we’re living together) compared to who I am with everybody else (even friends. even close friends…)
There's nothing like being in a space where you can relax, and drop the masks, is there? I'm never happier than when I have a locked door between me and the rest of the world, even for a few minutes. I've always gone to the toilet just to take a moment to process.
I UNDERSTAND THIS SO DEEPLY i call my alone time “being in the hole” because it’s like i get to burrow and be a weird little animal for a while 😂
I think I mask when I'm at school, or around people. I kept thinking that I wished I was calm and quiet all the time. So I probably mask more than I realized. I can't tell if I'm naturally social (But also introvered; which makes me an omnivert) or if that's all a mask. If I'm not actually extroverted at all
This. Oh my god. If I don’t get time alone to shut off and play videos games or read or something, I get so worn out and in such a horrible mood
I never knew that what I called "hats" or roles I would play was actually masking! People are often very surprised to find out that I hate phone calls almost to the point of a phobia, because at work I am often making and receiving phone calls in a very successful and productive way. But that's because when I'm at work, my 'secretary' hat is on and I'm playing the role. When I go grocery shopping, I'm playing the 'house mom' role like a tv character. I often feel like I'm a bit character in someone else's movie, 'female shopper 3' or 'unnamed clerk' in their movie credits. Sometimes it feels like if I took a book off the shelf or picked up a product it would just be a cardboard facade, because even though it looks like a familiar place, it feels like a set.
Y E S
Thank you for putting it into words
THIS! Thank you for sharing.
Omg I’ve written almost this exact words on my diary before… it feels so validating lol, thanks for sharing ❤️🩹
Now playing echo by gumi
Does it also stress you out to be in a room full of s bunch of people you know. My brain short circuits a bit. My neutral-to-people-around-me-without-being-suspiciously-bland hat is hard to find and harder to wear.
I am so curious is anyone else feels judged 100% of the time. I have never had an interaction with anyone, including my very close friends and partners, where I have felt completely open.
I'm sure this has to do with my childhood trauma as well.
Yes. There is only ONE person I've been 100% open with and it wasn't even my husband or own child. Every other interaction has felt scripted or masked, even at home.
I do feel that way, but recognize it is pathological. I have learned to dismiss these thoughts by recognizing most people just don't care enough about me to judge me in any substantial way. They just want to get on with their day.
Felt it so hard.... I am always embarrassed about something about me no matter how close I am to someone and feel like I need to hide it
^this
youre not alone, i get along with kids better than adults because of this
Masking is also why I feel like I can’t mix my friend group - each group seems so distinct, probably because I wear specific masks when I hang out with each of them. If they were all together I’m not sure how I would act
I have never related to a comment more. thankyou
Omg that is so true i never realized
Yeah the few times that I did have them together at birthdays I just felt so embarrassed… this is a revelation to me and makes so much sense 😅 I had never even heard of masking before this video either.
I can't even begin to describe how much I relate to this, wow. Literally down to a T. I feel like it's becoming an issue though because I think some of my friends are starting to wonder *why* I'm not crossing them over... There's other reasons too, but this is absolutely one of them (maybe even the foremost one).
I realized this in my late teens and I felt like I was a bad person for it.
I notice that other conditions like PTSD, anxiety, or depression can also cause people to mask. Interesting stuff.
gotta catch them all 🎶
@@jazzcelayaLOL. Felt that.
@@Givebackthescarf can confirm. I have many catches.
C-ptsd is a neurodivergency, it changes how our brains physically develop and aligns our thought processes more closely to this of autistic and adhd ppl. Often there are comorbidities between the three.
@@cloud9beauty true, even though I would like to add that it is classified as an "acquired neurodivergency" because people with PTSD/CPTSD are not born with it.
Writing this with tears falling from my face. I just came across this video. You have touched my heart and I’m soul. 36y born Kurdish living in USA and for the first time I see myself and I’m crying for my self. Thank you❤️😭❤️❤️❤️
❤
❤️
🥺🤗
feeling the same, its the voice trembling with both courage and vulnerability, i totally resonate with this, this is unmasking too
Was listening to this video and my brain started to list all the ways I've described this to people without even realizing it: "I fill whatever social role the group needs." Or "you just gotta set my settings the first time, like the cookies on a website." Or "I have different versions of myself for different people." And occasionally "I'm to tired to be this for you right now."
I'm seeing some similarities here...
People bullied me for "being two-faced" or "telling people what they wanted to hear"
@@jossypooyeah huh.. who's two-faced here for real ...?! isn't people pleasing what they asked for? why is it wrong now?
@@mus1c3gg ooooh i LIKE that!
"You aren't pleasing to people", but also "you're too much of a people pleaser!
@@jossypoonarcisists are braindead opinionated individuals, stay away from them, theyre completely useless :)
Or “social chameleon” 🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲
The way you opened open up about how masking gets uncomfortable as you get more intimate.. oh man i feel so validated of so much pain thank you
Thank you soo much
I literally got chills at 10:50 when you said that you tend to mask more in an uncomfortable way with people you have history with because you feel you have to maintain that established dynamic. It hit so hard. That's definitely an issue with me. If people already know me a certain way, and I wasn't comfortable enough right off the bat, I can't just suddenly start being myself around them, because they'll think I'm actually being unlike myself and wonder what's gotten into me. So, it's some of my closest relationships that it affects.
Also, love the point you made about utilizing masking to more purposefully express aspects of yourself that are actually authentic.
This is such a thorough an well-made video.
i feel like i'm acting 100% of the time in social situations, but google tells me this is normal for neurotypicals too. so idk
hehe oof ouch that hits close to home :'/
Same here. It's the first time i hear someone else feeling this way. I'm so happy to hear.
I feel like this is the main reason i never really had a close friend. Apart from my girlfriend (first girlfriend, been together since i was 19, five years now). She's the first one i've found irl that resonates with me. Neither of us has diagnoses, but i likely am somewhere on the autism spectrum, and she has ADHD.
I have 'work me' who is quite skilled at small talk and has appropriate facial impressions. The problem is that if I need to really WORK and concentrate, I forget my mask and people think I'm sick, sad or angry. When I'm unmasking at home for long enough I get more and more sensitive to small stimulus, which makes me great with animals, but I also start to resemble a wild animal and completely forget how to socialize...
You might be a therian. Look it up, it’s a person who feels like or identifies with an animal internally. It isn’t like being a furry or anything like that. I’m not one, but I totally support them ❤
I got a farm. Suddenly I feel "normal"
Yes, this. I present so differently from what I really am.
my recent ex took it personal when i came home 😅overstimulated… i never lashed out, i was just exhausted and a little quiet
I answered yes to all except the last question. Normally, I act bubbly, but as a very young child, my mother would tell me to smile more. Now, I smile even when I am annoyed or down.
that sounds tough
Same here
smiling thoughout diversity can be very powerful
@cypher_2259 i think you might mean adversity my guy
@cypher_2259 It can also be very harmful due to the imbalance it causes
I tried masking when I was younger by emulating behavior of my classmates in school. But people just didn’t allow me to fit in and so I was alienated for much of my experience in school.
me too, but at least school isn't just people, there's also learning, i found a lot of stuff interesting, including people
@@heedmydemandsi know right? other people's interests, conflicts, motives, actions etc... it was so fascinating to navigate the zoo. until you remember you also want to be included and then you realise how alienated you were.
I personally tried emulating cartoon characters when I was in elementary school. I would watch shows like Hey Arnold, The Powerpuff Girls (the original one, not the stupid reboot), and Winx Club and then try to act like the characters from those shows as an effort to try and fit in with my classmates.
@@lovelydolltime8006 I guess it probably didn't go perfect eh?
@@mus1c3gg yeah from the people watching part it's fine but you are right in there and it can be lonely
This video made me realize I’ve been masking my whole life. Now that I’m out of school I’ve found myself unwilling to go into any social situations that I don’t absolutely have to go to because I’m so exhausted from trying to figure out who I need to be all the time. I really related to the part about the level of masking depending on the kind of people you’re around. I find that I mask much more heavily around people who are loud or very opinionated verses people who are more laid back because I’m afraid they’re going to loudly criticize me or something I’ve said in front of everyone
Wow I feel the same
Your situation is just like me, but in my case, I’m non-verbal, and people including my family and friends never understood about why I’m short of words and non-verbal. Now they’re slowly getting to know who I really am..
I’m in my mid 30s and my advice to you is that it’s okay to be selective when it comes to sharing opinions or listening to others you don’t agree with. I tend to mask because I guess I want to be polite, but in my inner circle I know I can share my thoughts and feelings without being too judged. It gets easier especially when you get out of toxic environments, so eventually you won’t need to mask as much when you find the right people to be and feel more like yourself. Best of luck to you, and btw excuse my English cuz it’s not my first language lol.
Because of masking all my life when the lockdown happened I had a MASSIVE identity crisis that is still kinda going on but it was at it’s peak for about 2 years… I turned those separate identities/masks into characters through art and it really helped me cope and finally understand that I’m all of them, I’ve never been just one. Now I just stay close to the people I don’t feel judged by so I can mask as little as possible but I still find myself making new masks for new social situations even though I would just like to be myself…. It feels like I don’t know how to even though I obviously do.
you... just shook my whole world and delivered an epiphany. thank you l
@@sahirahvasquez6211 I’m so glad my comment did that for you I wish you infinite blessings and endless epiphanies ❤️
I honestly hate how much it sounds so simple to do and it feels like someone is screaming at me to press the red button and I don't see any buttons let alone a red one... It makes sense that I've phrased it over the years as though I never got the "unspoken handbook" on how to do life and be a human. I'm sure you're doing a great job! Lots of care after that massive identity crisis... WHICH, I've been wondering if this is something autistic people experience a lot? I have called them spiritual awakenings before too lol, they're just like massive "My life is a lie" moments and I go into a complete meltdown?? Eheheh 😅
WOAH good fkn point about lockdown induced identity crisis
@@SerenEnfys I think the reason a lot of autistic people find themselves going through identity crises has a lot to do with how we’re socialized, especially in formative years. It’s difficult to just be ourselves in a world where we are constantly being made to feel like whatever we say or do is “annoying” or “rude”. We also tend to be very sensitive to criticism and perceived and/or real rejection and for most of my life I would do anything to avoid that feeling even if it meant creating a new ideal personality for myself every few months. I still struggle with that hypersensitivity which is why I try to be around nonjudgmental people and other neurodivergent folks who can empathize with what I go through. That been essential in my healing and unmasking journey and I HIGHLY recommend other people to do the same, because in the end, no opinion matters more than your peace.
My mask started to crack before I realised what was happening. I just went 'ok, I can't physically or mentally handle being social, acting normal, or following society, I'm going to do my own thing'. I knew something was up with me, I just didn't know what yet. That positive isolation essentially led me to being able to realise that yes, I am autistic. (Now in process of diagnosis).
On my own my confidence skyrockets. Being able to indulge in MY interests MY way. I realised that outside my home, I mask. Even if I really want to socialise, I mask. Hard. I exhaust myself into suicidal burnouts.
Now I'm trying to integrate these parts of myself. I want to start unpacking the layers of masks. I want to be able to socialise the odd time and not go into a full burnout after. I think telling people up front what my needs and boundaries are and letting them decide then and there if they want to engage further is key. Let the people that drain your energy go. They're never worth it. I try to weigh up whether it's actually worth exhausting myself even slightly for this person. I know it sounds harsh but most peoples reactions will surprise you!
I'm on a journey of finding people who will compromise with me and my needs. I'm not afraid anymore of losing people, cause those people waste my precious masking energy 😂 cause I don't have anyyyy to spare
Congrats for being able to isolate yourself, positive isolation is a good term for it. I got to do it too, it saved my life and changed my attitude completely. I can't imagine what it's like for people who never get extended periods of isolation and freedom.
Compensation and accommodation are key here. good luck dear, trying my best as well.
I suggest everybody on the spectrum to hung out as much as they can with NT people with HIGH IQ, in my personal experience I never had bad problems with them (I was mistakenly put on a "genius class" for years in high school and I felt just fine with my nerdy classmates even if I was different) .as long as I was in a group of friends with Particularly Intelligent people in my life is when I felt more understood and liked while in a predominantly NT enviroment ,I was never the popular one but for all my youth I always had a small group of very close friends (circles of 3 to 4 are just fine ,NO MORE), .....in my life my 3 best friends (I had them in different phases) all had high IQ level ,neuro tipical that never saw something too strange or unlikable in me (unlike many others) ,they cared about my opinions and listened to me unlike "the rest of the world ",the fact they were socially super skilled helped me a LOT . over the years I "disconnected" with those best friends for pratical reasons and once I found myself "all alone" lost in a Averege to low IQ Nt world I started struggling socially,...I tried to conquer new NT people (no ambitious, low cultural level,no college, people that never read author books,etc,...)people I "Liked" but so many misunderstanding were arising here and there ALL THE TIME that at one point I was EXAUSTED and I Started self isolating more and more and more …choosing self isolation over social connection most of the time (thats how I discovered my autism ) ......it s only recently (since when I started studying how autism affect my life ) I started noticing a strong corrispondence with the ONLY NT people I truly connected in my life (in the past) and their HIGH IQ LEVEL (people expectionally good at school without even trying or people or/with a mind blowing natural verbal abilities or even crazy-good social abilities ) (honestly? I tend to be liked more by a logic mathematical high IQ college educated person than with an avarage IQ NT artistic type of person and I'm an artistic type ) ....ITS KIND OF SHOCKING .its not a matematical formula.....but it HELPS if you are autistic and looking for NT people to relate, befriend or connect to ;) JUST HUNG OUT WITH INTELLIGENT PEOPLE ,avoid as HELL all the people that has STRONG NEED to conform to social standards,no matter how friendly they seemed from afar. Once you start noticing these differences social life and connections could get eazier.
My whole life I have been told that I’m too serious and can’t take a joke. In high school I kept being told that I needed to get out of my shell, so I forced myself to act more outgoing. That drained me of all my energy, and in college I did a complete 180 and became super introverted with very high anxiety. I’ve always had anxiety but didn’t know what it was until college. (I graduated 5 years ago.)
Now I’m working full time, my job is hybrid, & I’m doing grad school part time online. It is exhausting. And I feel my mask slipping at work. I can’t keep it together anymore. I am getting very emotional at work because I cannot control the environment & the sensory overwhelm is INSANE. I’ve been getting a lot more angry at work & it’s like 🙃 I see my professionalism going out the window because I do not have the energy to mask or pretend like shit doesn’t bother me anymore. It is exhausting
It’s so exhausting. I feeeel this so much! I haven’t been able to hold a job for longer than 6 months at this point. It gets harder but it must get easier for us right??
I’m crying. I constantly mask in order to protect my true self from judgement and to ‘fit’ into what society expects. I’m so good at it and have excelled in my career up until now. But now I’ve reached my worst burn out ever. I’m trying to learn how to let the masks go, but it’s terrifying being so vulnerable. Hope we can all heal and feel comfy being our true selves, as chaotic and messy and imperfect as we are.
Yeah, I didn't realize I was masking until I was aware I was so exhausted after speaking with acquaintances or coworkers for an extended period of time. I engage in more small talk than usual and raise my perceived energy level around them. So tiring. I do it, partially, because I know they feel more connected to me and our conversation if I engage in these neurotypical behaviors. But I have to be alone after these situations. Otherwise, the overwhelm builds up and I have a meltdown.
The minute I get home I feel so relaxed and able to freely be myself. People always say "just be yourself, you will make more friends" but I don't notice I'm not being myself. I'm just doing what i have always done
I was late-diagnosed with ADHD and I always attributed me masking to my social anxiety. I'm not sure where one ends and the other begins but the older I get the more I realize how much energy masking takes. It has created some sort of dread whenever I have to go outside because keeping check of everything I do and everything around me has my brain in overdrive.
I think having people judge me if I were to unmask would exhaust me even more because people disliking me or being disappointed or upset at me is so palpable to me. I might just be sensitive.
TIP: do you stop yourself from doing something not harmfull if from of certain people for fear of their reaction? if yes, does it makes you stressed or sad? how much?
my ideia here is that, as Irene said, it's normal to adjust our behavior to some situations, but I believe a NT won't get as stressed as a ND from doing it. (I know it's a bit of a superficial topic, but I don't wanna write an essay haha)
like fear that they will think you're weird? it definitely makes me sad when I feel shut down with what I want to talk about, I'm pretty affected by it, it's tough to move on.
Yes, I notice myself abstaining from inconsequential activities quite often for this reason. I've been trying to be more aware and work through those feelings, but I think a large part of it is coming from fear of being misunderstood.
I'm really envious of people who seemingly do whatever occurs to them without any concern for others' interpretations and opinions. I would really like to manifest more of that same energy within myself.
My mask is all about hiding myself and everything people could criticize, I don't have the energy, will and skill to fake convincingly and I think people would notice I was faking if I did. So the level of masking I use is to be decent but not to nice as to keep people at a distance and avoid saying anything that could be received in a negative way so i don't get a bad reputation. I mask all the time and don't even know who I am and what I want anymore. I have never felt that there has been any room for my feeling or thought so now they are buried so deep that I have a hard time reaching them and only feel the weight of them. I'm just a shell because i do not dare to have hope or expectations that can be crushed. I do not dare to have any feelings or thoughts expressed out of fear that if expressed to the wrong person could become the anchor that bulls me down and ends me. For more than half of my life I have just been a dissociation behind a mask, an observer of my life in 3d person so i don't get crushed under the boot that is this society we live in. I do have some hope that things can get better or i would not still be here but I wish i could be more whole and living instead of just alive.
Feel this..I wish you all the best at finding yourself and detangle your personality till you can reach your own needs again if you want to.
I started with little, very small things: going for a walk alone and ask myself /try to follow my guts, where I want to go - but not a target at itself - just "left or right?", "along the road or cross it?", later: "On the pavement or on the grass?" and "with shoes or barefoot?", "Day or night?".
This helped me find out, what I enjoy in little things, that this can change with every day and moment and how my feelings/needs even feel and to create trust. Step by step.
When I was getting better at this, I tried to do the opposite of what I wanted/felt to do and watched how my body and inner feelings reacted to that - with that I got sensitive to that feeling in other situations. Now I learn to listen to this feeling in social situations so I hopefully someday can immediately say: "No, I don't/ I do want to do this or that!". Til now I can feel it often but don't know how to react :'D I try to find a way to react afterwards for the next times
Maybe it works for you, too
The best way I can explain masking to a neurotypical person is to tell them that even neurotypical people mask. Small children who are neurotypical, will often get home from preschool and have undesirable behaviors after all day at school being in their best behaviors. This is because they were unconsciously trying to meet school expectations all day. They didn't know the teachers and other students well enough to know if it is safe to have a tantrum at school so their safety response is to suppress it and they don't know they are doing this. Then get home and something small at home will set them off on a huge tantrum because they don't have any more energy left after all the emotional work it takes to shove down and internally manage disappointment, fear, anger, and all the emotions they have not learned how to manage in a healthy way yet and don't have the brain development to handle.
I got told so often that I was too negative or depressing even when I felt I was in a great mood, happy, enthusiastic about things I love, etc... now I know my main mask is acting overly bubbly, sunny disposition, and talkative because I learned if I don't I'm going to be put in some sort of danger. If I'm not overly friendly, though some people may perceive it as "fake", I'm treated far worse. The mask is actively exhausting but if someone decides they don't like me for being too negative it often turns into a bullying situation where I go into a massive mental health crisis. This can come with hospitalization, job loss, a year long self hatred and feeling of being a worthless alien who can never make it. I come from a really abusive family so there is no one I can lean on if that happens. I'm just screwed. That mask is important but I really really wish others would just give me the respect and support I do my best to give them because then the burnout and exhaustion from the mask wouldn't be necessary. It also seems to come with no sense of self. The more I wear the mask, the more I have no idea who I am and the less understanding I have of those around me. It's very much a PTSD "keep your shields up" response.
The PTSD "shields up" response: I liken it to a puffer fish. When it feels threatened, it swells up to make itself look bigger and tougher and its spikes stick out to fend off would-be attackers. People also respond similarly, by acting tough and important and proud, when inside they are scared stupid and trying to conceal any weakness or vulnerability.
I grew up not knowing i was autistic. My mother sorta abused me emotionally and verbally for how i acted, so i was basically having to mask from age 3+, didn't realize i was doing it 24/7. First burnout because of constantly masking at 14, second at 19. In the clinic at 19 i finally realized i was masking and am now at almost 21 finally diagnosed with autism. It's still a lot of work to unmask when i'm alone or around people i trust, but i'm getting better at letting the mask down. My relationship with my mother is slowly healing now that i know what the "issue" was and can explain my behaviour to her. Never give up, stand up for yourself. If you have the financial/insurance means, and you believe you are neurodiverse, go to a therapist to get it assessed, it can really help to understand yourself even if you turn out to not be nd. On another note, if your therapist is completely dismissive of your experienced symptoms, get a second or even third opinion. You have the right to be heard and seen.
I definitely try to control my stims (which were always called fidgeting when I was young) in order not to offend others. In lectures or sermons, for example, I could pay more attention to the speaker if I avoided looking at them and instread fiddled with my nails or the ends of my hair. Of course to everyone else this looked like the exact opposite of paying attention. But if I made it a point to look at the speaker and acknowledge them by nodding and smiling, I over-did it and was told it looked weird. So I tried to sit where no one would notice me and I could stim if I felt I had to. But then of course some kind soul would come over and ask how I was doing. So in the end my only recourse was to supress my stims in public and do my best to fit in. But when I'm sitting at home watching a video, I rarely look directly at the speaker, singer, etc. because I find that facial expressions only distract me from what's being presented. Watching old silent films is quite fun, though, because I can look at the actors without having to simultaneously decode what they're saying. 😊
subtitles all the time, baby! they're a wonderful tool when possible
I used to love watching Mr Bean. I could identify with that goofy, maladaptive silent character.
I stuttered on that last question because at some point, I realized that I've been masking even at home when I was by myself. Like self talk...girl...Bubba and Queenie do not care what you're like as long as you're petting, feeding, and playing with them.
How would you explain the difference between masking autism vs masking social anxiety?
I love this video so much! There were a few things you said that I found to be very profound.
1.) Masking doesn't necessarily mean you're "faking". I was very confused and didn't think I was masking at all, because I never feel like I am pretending or lying. Except in situations dealing with work or school.
But, that was a real a-ha moment for me... And made me realize I guess I mask a lot more than I initially thought!
2.) That masking becomes more uncomfortable when you establish history with someone.
This one has made me feel alienated and sad sometimes! I didn't understand why I would feel anxious about seeing a friend I actually like to be around! So, it was so very nice and refreshing to hear you say that!
I will definitely buy your workbook so I can take a deeper dive into this subject. Thank you for your videos!
Great summary of the key points... I think Masking becomes more uncomfortable if you have history w/ someone because you have a preconceived idea of how they see you, so you feel (consciously or unconsciously) like you have to fit that idea and start to mask. When in reality the other person may well be thinking more about themselves than about you and how you're acting.
I feel free when I’m totally alone. Having people around me makes me really tired, hard to relax.
I often said that I felt like an actor on a stage whenever I'm in social settings, expected to play a specific role for the audience. To me, it's like the whole world is a stage, to the point I'm not even sure of who I really am deep down. Who's more like me, the one at work or the one with friends, or the one with family? And no matter how much I love my family and friends and how much I actually like spending time with them, I always dread outings with them beforehand, while when I go out by myself I never have these kind of feelings.
When everyone thinks you have autism and you just said mhm to everything. Unfortunately getting diagnosed is hard where I live, however I’ve found that whether or not I have autism these videos really help me to function better and learn more about myself
The question when you asked would I be doing these behaviors if I was alone was extremely profound to me. I love talking to people, especially my loved ones, having fun, and connecting. but if I was left to my own devices, I would never talk.
The initial questions had me like: "Mhm.. mhm... mhm..." and so on ^^ Thank you for providing so much valuable insight into such a broad and sometimes overwhelming topic! I'm still at the very beginning of my self realization journey and struggle with imposter syndrome quite frequently. It feels very reassuring to have such a simple exercise to reassure myself that I'm not making all of this up! Much love
yeah the list was eye opening
When I was a teenager and was yet to be diagnosed, I always had a blank affect and talked in a drawn-out monotone type of way. Over time and becoming an adult in my twenties, I got tired of people asking if I was bored when at concerts etc. and that’s when I started forcing myself to smile all the time. For awhile, I felt uncertain that that was a true aspect of myself, but I realize now that being joyful etc. is one aspect of myself as I’m already fairly childlike in my demeanor. What isn’t sustainable is me being this way ALL THE TIME. It’s hard enough knowing I have a resting b*tch face - or resting autistic face as I like to say, but feeling forced to constantly show my emotions on my face is stressful and leads to burnout in the worst way. I end up reverting to a completely blank state all over my face and in my eyes and speak monotone again. Not to mention, I would say things in such a way that made others think I was being a smart a$$ or rude/an a$$hole when I’ve always just been straight to the point and asking genuine questions. So I had learned to communicate in a more NT style as well. I’ve been misunderstood my WHOLE LIFE and it’s been one of the most upsetting things I’ve experienced because no matter how much I revise my methods of communication, I still confuse and offend people. I basically acquired c-ptsd from it.
this summs up everything I been feeling for a while.
same, my friend, same. It's can feel painful xox
I don't know if I'm autistic specifically but I definitely am masking actively and currently based on these check boxes. I was not aware of my own actions.
Lately I've been experiencing almost constant burnout with friends specifically and actively avoiding them outside of mandatory situations.
I am 43 now, I started being aware that something might be off with me :D after the pandemic ended. I never got to return to my "normal" life with lost of socialization and bigger groups. I always have "58 out of 60 signs you might have autism", the sensory overload thing, the humor, the masking and scripting. I hate social situations, need to know who is gonna be there, what is to be done there, and all that jazz.
The thing is drinking and substance abuse masked my autistic personality traits for 40 years and now I discover more and more about me when I restricted human contact and diminished my alcohol usage to minimum.
I have a very social girlfriend and this is what helps me meeting new people and be present on social occasions. During the years I always wondered why the F I felt so miserable on team buildings , why can't I start the conversations with new people, why my palms are always sweating when talking to strangers.
It all makes a lot of sense, but here in my country (Eastern Europe) people do not believe in such things and I don't mind roaming the world un-diagnosed as well :D.
You explain well, and with details, sometimes going deep..we can see you "feel" the things. i 🤍 it. Thank you
I know I'm masking, because I feel tired and awkward after and during conversations. I have only recently managed to master the art of not waiting three seconds after the last person stopped talking, before I try to talk. If I'm really comfortable with someone, I can even interrupt them in a "natural" way. And then I realise that letting NTs have their turn to talk, and realising that I _should_ do so, _IS_ masking.
Masking always has multiple layers - if there's anything we excel at, it's adding complexity to things that don't necessarily need it.
Autism is really about rules; discovering existing rules, inventing rules that help you cope, rules to decide what level of rules are needed in a given situation...we're organizers, categorizers, sorters, keepers and managers of data...
Now I realize why I enjoy being alone at home on the computer, I will spend hours because I can jump from one topic/subject to another and not feel judged. I'm able to let my guard down and relax and enjoy the dopamine from surfing the web.
I feel like this masking issue has to do most with introversion, social anxiety & unregulated nervous system more than anything else
Hi ! Late diagnosed autistic female here. I actually am not introverted, never was socially anxious and my nervous system is unregulated but bc of multiple other factors (including ASD traits being hard to navigate in day-to-day lifeand full-on trauma)
I still had to mask from early on and still do, trying to un-learn it or rather make it a conscious choice. I’m very blunt, outspoken about what I care about etc but masking is a mechanism that allowed me to socialize and not get mistreated bc of autistic symptoms
No, autistic people mask because they do not "intuitively" socialize/communicate the same way as allistic folks, leading to misunderstandings and being criticized. It has nothing to do with introversion (there are extroverted autistic people who also mask) and though social anxiety is prevalent in autistic people, this again stems from previous negative experiences that force you to mask.
This is why I keep getting confused about what the defining characteristic(s) of autism would be, it feels like so much of it can be attributed to social anxiety/generally high anxiety levels/self consciousness, introversion and lack of social skills. And these social skills can definitely be tough to learn, I've struggled with them my whole life and still feel quite self-conscious around most people.
Girl, thank you for this video, I literally answered resounding 100% yeses to every single question. You're saving my life rn
How you explained the complexities of masking with those you know well and long term was spot on
I respect how articulate and specific you are
Your works books are so helpful! I like the layout and found them easy to use...
On masking: I find it so torturous, to know that I must mask to appear socially acceptable. But to unmask risks being a social outcast. I do find that I'm masking a bit less now (meaning, I'm not trying so hard at it like before) and I think it's because of my therapy and lots of self acceptance of my neurodivergence. I let my eyes drift in conversation, I may shift tone of my voice, and I just let myself get loud and hand flappy if I want to. Its been very helpful!
Thank you. This was a very helpful video for me 🧠
Many times I get kinda anxious, I feel like a pressure cook pot and hold my breath for a few second. I thoght that was my normal reaction to upsetment. I noticed that now that I'm diagnosed, when that feeling starts, I let a stim out, like shake my hands a bit.
I had absolutely no ideia I was holding something back.
thanks for the short video hehe
I was diagnosed at 23, never realized it was not normal to feel completely different as soon as I'm around people
I'm slowly getting rid of the mask, some psychs might make the mistake of promoting it, since it's good for getting jobs and being social, but constantly wearing a mask gives some next level burnouts
Bro my favorite moment as a teen was when I could finally be alone in my room. I shared a room growing up and only got my own when I was in like eighth grade. So when I got to go home and be alone in my room, I would ramble for a while about something I wanted to talk about earlier or my emotions or maybe just gibberish. I swear that I would have looked insane to anyone watching. I would flap my hands and shake my head and pick my nails. It was so stress relieving but at the same time I felt so guilty for it. I didn’t quite know why. But I felt bad for doing what I now know is stimming. Even when I was alone.
Thank you so much for this. I would have meltdowns around my family often when forced into social interactions with them, and I never understood why. You are an angel.
Sometimes my mask goes and it feels amazing. I always feel so happy and excited. I really have tried the last few years stopping myself. I no longer am liked and it is completely devastating. Im happier alone and myself. Starting to really really like alone time.
I love how you break down authentic vs inauthentic masking. This is such an articulate way to explain all of the complicated feelings I have around this topic. I am so glad that I've found you. Thanks for another great resource.
This year, I made a decision that surprised even myself: I decided that, because social situations can make me anxious, I was going to cut back on socializing. Now, I'd already made a few commitments and thus am unable to politely avoid all forms of socialization, but my week is otherwise clear.
What I've noticed thus far is interesting. Although I often greatly miss the added socialization, I have also observed a sense of euphoria from electing to do my own activities.
As for the masking - that is an aspect I stll struggle with.
I only found out I'm on the spectrum about a year ago, but I've said for years and years that I feel like I'm a different person in each of my very different settings I'm in (various different social settings, 2 different work settings, and at church). And everyone I tell this to just says something like "it's normal to act in a certain specific way in different settings"... but it's *more* than that for me. It's not just knowing there are different code of conducts and/or expectations if you're at work vs with friends and adjusting accordingly. I feel like that's normal masking or appropriate codeswitching. What I'm talking about is feeling like totally a different person depending on my situation. I never understood what I was feeling until I realized I'm possibly autistic and started exploring and researching the heck outta all this to find out if I'm really autistic. I still don't fully understand masking though and I still have very little clue who I actually am deep inside.
i recently found your channel and have been watching so many videos and many of them have left me crying after deep reflection and realization that i've been masking for a very long time. i'm still learning about autism and i find your videos incredibly approachable and informative. a lot of online resources i had previously consulted have always had me dismiss my own conceptions that i might be autistic, but hearing directly from an autistic person instead of a very medical perspective has helped me understand autism a lot better ❤
Thanks!
I’ve never been a big fan of reading, but as a kid the only book I was reaally into was called, The Outer Limits The Vanished, and it was meant to be scary to the reader, because the main character basically wakes up one day, and every human has vanished. To me it was a heavenly *fantasy* book. The character was walking around all over the place outdoors, in neighborhoods and absolutely no humans in sight. And for him, it was very scary.
But for me… this has remained one of my ultimate fantasies 20 years later! 😂
I have a friend who has several things that feel like strong signs for me
- Claims to not be annoyed by anything
- when stressful subjects or subjects of disagreement come up, they get very quiet, and in their voice sound very uncomfortable (sometimes even more so than others), but will continue to say they are not upset, they are not bothered, if they were bothered they would leave…
- says “you’re fine” and tries to mean it in countless situations and tones, whether they sound comfortable or not
It feels like they’re lying/masking so consistently and so well that they can’t see their own emotions; it makes it very hard to trust them and their boundaries when the signs they give off can contrast so much.
Im realizing that I've mask since i was in 1st grade, and the way i discovered to blow off some stem is by pinch the skin on my pinkies. Over time that has created calluses that sometimes hurt.
I really would've like my parents noticed those signs when i was a child. Thanks for your video!
You come across as authentically wholesome x this is so sweet 💓
I’ve noticed my mask is typically based on social dynamics. When I first meet people I’m relatively quiet and observing. I try to rely on what kind of topics they seem interested in, how they talk, etc. How much time it takes for me to learn a new social interaction can depend on how easy it is to learn. Quieter people are more difficult because it’s hard to get a read on what bores or interests them. But if a person is loud or talkative or very outspoken about their interests or has specific mannerisms, I tend to adopt those at first and then slowly incorporate my own personality traits into that mask. Typically my friends end up being the people I feel more myself around and the less I feel I need to rely on certain social rules.
short quick interaction is where scripting comes in. I HATE phone calls. Everyone whose heard me take a phone call always tries to reassure me that I sound fine and friendly, but if I’m calling for a purpose, I need to have at least a. Rudimentary script for what I’m about to say, or else I’ll trip all over myself, get confused, or forget to do something important. The amount of times I’ve gotten off a call missing one of the things I was calling about because I felt to wrong-footed during a call is astounding.
Funnily enough, masking made me very good at customer service. I actually think customer service is the best example to give to neurotypical about masking. I’d only struggle with customer service if somebody broke my script, and it’s the same with masking.
As a newly diagnosed 39 year old this is brilliantly explained. I struggle with finding words to match my processes and this is so helpful. Thank you 😊
I’ve been masking since i was a kid and never even knew what masking was up until a few months ago. I don’t remember a lot of my childhood, so I don’t know when it started or what my masking traits are. This video was really helpful, thank you!
(Also considering getting some of your workbooks ❤️)
I reacted not with "mhm" but rather "yes! yes! yes!!!". omg it's such a jorney discovering your own self, but this gives me hope because I'm so tired of living like this
I am 45, Dyslexic, just been diagnosed ADHD and on pathway for ASC assessments.
I have only just realised that I have been masking all of my life!!
The impact is significant. It has caused depression, anxiety disorder and I also believe my fibromyalgia (had 10 years).
I am also an ASC specialist and work with children and YP that are ND. Masking is the most biggest trigger for mental health! I have seen and believe that psycho education and learning about your diagnosis and self is so important in helping
I thought I didn't mask at all for a long time, but over the beginning of the pandemic I changed so much socially and I act totally differently around people now
Irene your content as always is incredible!! Also, your lighting is always on POINT. Great hair and makeup by the way! I emailed you a few months back, I got my official diagnosis 🤗
Congrats!!
how long did it take?
looks like i mask all day every day, is hard no to do it, when i try to exist close to my family i aways get into a terrible situation where i'm the only one finding problem with the stuff they do, politics, music, my family don't have a singe thing in common w me, is super easy for them to simplify my struggles and judge me by my political stance happens all the time, my mom also take some quotes i said one time in a very especific situation as mantra, makes my life hard because she just spread this things across the family and no one confront me about it, i think that everything in this family makes me shutdown idk
Thank you for pointing out that masking is something that all humans are capable of doing… I feel like a lot of times on social media when people make content about their autism a lot of the comments will be along the lines of “well. This isn’t an autistic trait. I’m Neuro typical and I do it,” and I really want people to realize that we’re all still human and you can be non-autistic, and still do the same things somebody else who is autistic does.
Things where pretty natural for me as a kid. I wouldn't say I masked as a child. I used to copy a best friend that I had a lot, but I don't know if it was because of autistic traits, or just because I felt I could relate to her a lot at the time. I used to love copying and mimicking fictional characters of interest. I was always/still am bubbly and extroverted person, However, when I hit high school, that's where things got harder and growing older and realising I need to be out in the world,
Masking/scripting situations became a thing because I found social situations very difficult.
These days It's not as hard as it used to be.
I've been aware my entire life that social interactions drain the shit out of me. To the point where I couldn't even be 8 hours a day in school from grade 1, but had to be "ill" 25% of the time because I was exhausted from all the social interactions. However, I'm really good at being social, and I can be very nice and charming and little butterfly that whirl in with energy and then leaves again quickly. I cannot be social with anyone for more than a few hours at a time. The rest of the day I need to be alone. If I'm forced to be in new places or meet new people, or socialise for more than 2 hours, I need the next day and the previous day to be free for me to recover. Free, and home alone.
Obviously, I'm unable to work or study. I've suffered from mental illness for 20+ years.
But is this really autism? I tick so many boxes, and was once investigated for it, but I have 0 problems understanding other people's social cues. I know exactly how someone feels but just hearing them say "hi" in the phone. If a stranger has a panic attack I can help better than an educated paramedic, because I instinctively understand what that person is going through. I'm highly sensitive to people's voices, facial expressions, words etc. I've never had problems with understanding how social interactions happen. It comes naturally. But it takes so much ENERGY!!
Can I still be autistic?? All people, especially doctors and therapists, misunderstand me CONSTANTLY even though I explain a thousand different ways. No one understands me ever, and I hate it. But I understand them. And then I can't be autistic, can I? Is my masking from my social phobia, or is it autism even though I'm sensitive to other's people's feelings?
Answering to your last two questions, it could be both. It's really common for people to get misdiagnosis on anxiety, social phobia, social anxiety etc bc their symptoms lead to those. But in reality they are autistic and are showing those same symptoms bc of OTHER internal experiences (like sensory overload). I would recommend you looking into late diagnose autistic adults info, specially if you were raised as a woman. Afab are usually high masking and many of us are really good at social interactions.
Also trauma plays a big role on how we learn to read/understand other people's feelings/reactions. For example if you where "walking on eggshells" at home, your parents emotions were more important than yours, passive aggressiveness, etc you could have developed hypervigilance and great ability to read other people (as a survival behaviour). Also if you are hyperempathic it could be easier for you to feel other people feelings, and act accordingly to what your internal script/mask says.
There are many many factors that could shape your external traits. What determines if you are autistic are mostly the internal ones (from what i have learned). SPECIALLY in late diagnosis adults. Many allistic people will show some of the same external traits as an autistic person, but for very different reasons, in less intensity and frequency. For example we could compare an autistic meltdown and a panic attack. From an outside perspective they could look similar but they are actually really different. Those differences come from what's triggering them, why and how they feel.
I would recommend you to read a tone from late diagnosed autistic afab. If you seek a diagnosis i would focus on finding good professionals who are well informed about late diagnosed autism and trauma informed therapy.
First video of yours i’ve seen-THANK YOUUUUU…you just verbalized and validated everything I felt in my entire grad school experience
Thank you so much for this video. Now, I understand why I burn out so quickly at work. I end up having a meltdown about once every three months if I am not allowed to take time off or have a significant break of 1-3 months.
I really loved how well your video was expressed. I can tell you put a lot of effort into it. I’m aware that I mask often; despite loving to connect with others, most social interactions deplete my energy, and I always feel like crawling back to my room and isolating myself for days to recover. Unfortunately, even when I catch myself masking in the moment, I’m often lost on how to change it and just relax. The fear of rejection is really intense.
I wanted to say that I love your energy so much! I can see a lot of myself in your vibe. Thanks :)
I answered the majority of the questions with a mhm 😂 one of my masks is eye contact which I can’t handle so my small way of unmasking is not making eye contact while I talk and I feel a lot better
I know I'm "late" on this video but thank you! When I finally becoming aware of my masking as an adult, it was life-changing. My journey is so long and winding, but I'll try to succinctly express it here.
Once I learned I was masking in 95% of social interactions; once my son (diagnosed autistic at 2.5 years old) and I really connected, I asked my friends if they thought I was autistic. Most of them answered along the lines of, "Yeah, dude, no shit." I went through my entire childhood and so much of my adult life (I'm 39 years old) thinking I was just "eccentric"--which I am, by the way. However, I began learning my eccentricities were layers upon layers upon layers of masking. I think that's what a lot of people don't realize: masking is not just one mask at any given time; instead, it's so many layers that, once taken off, leaves you utterly exhausted.
I only hope I can teach my son to be himself. We're way past "autism awareness." Now, it's all about autism acceptance. Love your thoughts! You have a new subscriber in me!
I think I feel a lot more positive towards masking, which makes me feel better about it. I always thought did like the fact that I can float between social groups and get along with a wide range of personalities. I try not to talk videogames too much with my wine club gals and have to suppress the gamer in myself. You could argue there's nothing wrong with that and that as long as I can be a gamer in other circumstances that it could be a helpful moderator. I like that perspective.
you’re actually insane for all this work you’re putting out. thank you!
I answered yes to every question the most that i hate is when i rethink how i looked and spoke during social interaction afterwards when i go home it really exhausts me and i hate it but cant help it i always do it! Like the other night i told my neighbour i liked the same thing she did but i actually couldn't care less and then later on i was evaluating whether I sounded stupid when she left
Honestly I didn't even know I was masking because I thought it always had to be draining. It makes sense now that masking can feel satisfactory sometimes, because I very frequently "play characters" or behave in ways that are not like me but fit the context better. Later on I analyse the whole thing in my head over and over, and realize that I wouldn't act like that naturally, but it was successful and my effort was minimal (though I'm very self aware all the time). I tend to choose interactions like these, easier to go through. On the other hand there are situations when I feel like an alien and just cannot bring myself to "follow protocol", so I just become apathetic or freeze in place.🥴
I still can't tell if all of these symptoms are me having social anxiety or being neurodivergent
Same here!!
this just sounds to me like the people pleasing we do when we are younger because we havent yet established a strong sense of self through experiences and pursuing our passions. i had this social anxiety but grew out of it after i found out more of the things i like. now i dont have time to ruminate over peoples opinions, if someone isnt vibing with me i dont foster the relationship it's as simple as that
My ex husband fell in love with my "mask" ... I tried to keep up the front but after a year it resulted in a mental breakdown. Huge mistake, hurt him unintentionally by hiding my true self. Never again lol, now i just scare men away by telling them the truth😏
I can't describe enough how grateful I am for you. Your video wrapped things up perfectly for me. I have been researching audhd and I knew I was masking in my relationships to an extent, but this video helped me realize I have been HEAVILY masking with my boyfriend.
I could never figure out why I dreaded hanging out or interacting with him despite my deep love for him. I thought maybe it was just how love was after dating for so long. I never knew why i felt like I was never getting anything back despite him being very giving and generally being an amazing person.
I finally feel happy with him and I think that you have helped save my relationship.
Thank you so much❤
I am a 24 yr male and am undiagnosed. I grew up in a very rural area with limited access to healthcare. Many people when I was growing up asked me if I was autistic and I always said no not realizing what that meant, but then after I learned about masking I considered the possibility that I was. I think I am a high masking individual. I don’t feel like my emotions are like everyone else’s. I found out I got into grad school yesterday while I was at work and all of my coworkers wanted to celebrate and they asked me why I didn’t seem like I was excited and I responded that I was, but then I realized I wasn’t smiling or really showing any emotion so then I put on a smile and changed the tone of my voice just for their benefit. This is one of numerous interactions that I have daily. Whenever I am out around others I feel like most of how I behave is for others’ benefit to fit in with them better, but it just feels exhausting by the end of the day. And when I am home I just don’t have the energy to keep the mask up anymore.
The duration of knowing someone was an interesting point. I tend to feel more uncomfortable around unfamiliar people because I don't have enough experience with them to accurately gauge their reactions. When I have known someone for a while, I don't have to spend quite as much energy observing their behavior.
This idea of masking is confusing for me because it gets mixed with CPTSD behaviors from childhood trauma. Masking with CPTSD wasn't just a tool for social success, it was more of a requirement to avoid emotional harm and punishment. In which case, it's not necessarily a manifestation of your authentic self, it's a fight/flight/fawn response that's being used to try to control what is perceived as an unsafe situation -which, if people are the source of your trauma, then any sort of social occasion becomes a potentially 'unsafe' scenario requiring this behavior.
These masking reactions make sense for a child because you really don't have any agency to help yourself. So, you can only gain some control of a situation by masking to influence the actions of those around you. Comparatively, as an adult, you can spontaneously leave harmful situations, and your resources are generally controlled by you, so other's social acceptance is inconsequential (to a reasonable degree). However, unless some major brain rewiring has happened between childhood and adulthood, you're still using the same survival programming as before. Your brain hasn't realized that shift of acceptance being less consequential. So, social situations will still feel equally as threatening as they were when you were a child. Thus, it's difficult to reel in masking habits / behaviors without consciously pausing and then going against the doom-forecasting your brain is perpetuating in an obsolete method of self-protection.
Beautifully written. Spot on analysis
I learned that I was masking after we literally started to remove masks in public. I _very_ quickly realized I didn't remember how to control my face in my customer facing job after not needing to for so long
Every time I expresed something feeling wierd on me, my mom says «ya, that happens to everyone, don't think you are special or something» or «you just want atention» therefore I've always belived it was normal, but now that I think about it... I'm not just feel autistic, I am.
You are such an intelligent speaker interesting video love you so much late diagnosis means you have to reevaluate your life up to that point
Masking is an armour to hide vulnerable parts of ourselves . To seem more professional, to make friendships, protect yourself from being bullied and ostracised . Being authentic takes an insane amount of courage .
10:53 I'm so happy to hear about this. No one has agreed or understood me on this. In many ways it is much more draining to meet and be around people you know a bit, compared to complete strangers.
I feel like this is a big reason i never try to make friends, it feels like to much work. Also, neurotypicals can be boring.
young-diagnosed high masker here. once scripting came up i immediately thought of my work as a server, it’s such a double edged sword😂 i can immediately turn on the witty, curated jokes, and instantly tell what vibe the customers want from me. but the sheer PANIC when a customer says something and i don’t immediately know what to say back, it’s like my system buffers and time slows down😅 it’s been useful though, and i’ve seen my masking improve over time by gauging my tips. while i’ve been stiffed and been super hard on myself in the past, i’ve learned how to let that go and curate a mask that’s acceptable but also stays true enough to myself that i’m not sacrificing a great deal of ego. your videos have been so helpful in understanding myself beyond what i’ve already achieved, and it’s nice to see someone having similar experiences to me. i know lots of autistic people, but none of them would be considered high masking, so i felt pretty alone in the struggle. thank you❤
I think I started masking when I started the new school year when I was twelve after my older brother died. Technically though, I guess I always have, Since my sister Put me down all the time as a young child So I changed my behavior to "fix" whatever way she said was bad because i looked up to her. And then I thought that was normal, So I passed some of those bad advice on to my little brother and friend. I'm almost 22 and I'm still trying to figure out who I am now all these years later and I usually feel bitter or numb living on autopilot but because of depression group therapy I've felt genuinely good, normal, and in control of how others effect me 2 days last week out of yearssssss of depression, what I learned was to "recharge my battery". It really really is helping me a lot, but i don't know why today i am only anxious and angry for some reason? I'm starting to feel better while typing this whole thing up.
One time when we were kids, A caricature artist drew a picture of me and my sister. In the drawing she was really big and A big smile on her face, And beside her was me really skinny and sad looking, I looked depressed and beat down expresson. They really know how to do their job well!
I love my family, But I think there's something wrong with everybody in it, i think we're all neurodivergent and/or mentally ill. I don't know how to talk to normal people, i used to manage it as a kid by being a follower of any body I was an aquaintance of and then we'd end up best friends until it ended and I'd do the same thing again with a different person but maybe that's just normal? But as an adult I don't get it anymore, and in college I tried out all these different masks, made friends, and learned you can't trust anyone; they all want something from you or are not who you think they are. It's like a social chess and so to help my burnout near the end of finishing college I stopped masking, the teacheres were asking me whats wrong and I got an acedemic alert for missed days. The math teacher really wanted me to confide in her, said she needed to know whats going on to be able to help, "where is the bubbly *name*?" but I didn't share anything because she betrayed my trust a time before. And then I didn't mask at all at the job I got last year to experiment how I feel not people pleasing (i didnt know it was masking im only just now figuring this out).when I stopped, "people pleasing," I let go of my old expectations, I don't try to get to know anybody, I only greet people if they do first, I let myself be akward in communicating nonverbally with nods and smiles or just let myself not reply as if I didnt hear, and I just do my own thing basically and I really do just want to run away to escape conversations people start with me. Sometimes I just want to unplug from the world, And start another life in a different country as myself this time, and make a whole new social life, but if I did that I'd still have to talk to people.
On the other hand, I do need social interaction to be happy also, I can't rely only on "recharging my battery." I need to do fun things with other people. I don't like to feel lonely, but I don't want to feel anxious in a social setting either, so ive been forcing myself to have social plans and idk how i feel about it. I need to "prescribe myself fun," so that's my main aim right now regardless of how socializing makes me feel inside becauase id rather not continue to be depressed. My main goal is to conquer depression or controll it.
Great work. Thank you for making this video. I appreciated your nuanced approach and levels of masking. Not all masking is bad for me and it was good to be reminded of that.
All that sounds very familiar, but I have PTSD, and borderline. It all sounds so familiar to autism, though, how interesting. Great video, I'm sure you're helping many people with your content!
Yes to all the questions, except for the last one which was a clear no. I definitely know I'm masking. It's unconsciously ingrained in me. When I was a child (before I got officially diagnosed for autism) I didn't have a developed mask and the other kids hated me. Bullying was a constant for years and it made me become uncomfortably aware how different I was to everyone around me, and how that was not acceptable.
Now as a 29 year old woman, I am on a journey to also getting officially diagnosed for adhd. Something they missed completely back then, which my therapist was shocked about due to how apparent it sounded to her. I mask that side of myself as well. It is so exhausting. I've been chronically tired at this point for who knows how long anymore. It's a lifelong struggle
This was really helpful, thank you. So many channels talk about masking as something they’ve always known they do, they just didn’t know what it was called/why. It’s validating to hear that I’m not the only one who was unaware I was masking for most of my life. Only diagnosed a few weeks ago at age 32. ❤
This is eye-opening. I have always dreaded social interactions, just the other day I went to lunch with my girlfriend’s family at one point someone said you need to talk more you’re quiet etc. and it just made me feel even worse. I wanted to leave. If they only knew was going on in my head.
I've never really thought about it before but yes, I'm a totally different person around different people. My best friend I'm one person, my other friends, another. Even different social situations I'm a different person for each of them depending on who I'm with, speaking to and what I need to get done. I feel like the Happy Mask Salesman in Majora's Mask. Got a mask for every scenario, person and situation. It's exhausting. The only person I can really be myself around is my husband and my kids. Even then I do have some self restraint on some of my more manic moments. I don't think I've had the chance to truly decompress from masking in years. No wonder I'm constantly tired. Real eye opener of a video here.
WOW! I was aware of me masking, but not to such a degree. I answered yes to all of them except the one about if I would act in the same way if I was alone. And all my interactions through my life is based upon me listening to the person I am talking to and adjustig my mask to fit what I guess is fitting, I do never remember a mask but adjust dependent on who is there, no matter how long I have known them. Few of my interactions react Orange level, far the most, I would say 99% is at level red. :-)