Perception Creates Your Reality: Change How You Feel About People With This Relationship Skill
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- Опубліковано 3 жов 2024
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You can actually change how you feel about people by intentionally deciding to change your perception of them. In this video from my Relationship Skills course, I teach how you can fall back in love by changing your perception of another person, helping you feel more warmly toward them.
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Therapy in a Nutshell, LLC, and the information provided by Emma McAdam are solely intended for informational and entertainment purposes and are not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Although Emma McAdam is a licensed marriage and family therapist, the views expressed on this site or any related content should not be taken for medical or psychiatric advice. Always consult your physician before making any decisions related to your physical or mental health.
About Me:
I’m Emma McAdam. I’m a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and I have worked in various settings of change and growth since 2004. My experience includes juvenile corrections, adventure therapy programs, wilderness therapy programs, an eating disorder treatment center, a residential treatment center, and I currently work in an outpatient therapy clinic.
In therapy I use a combination of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Systems Theory, positive psychology, and a bio-psycho-social approach to treating mental illness and other challenges we all face in life. The ideas from my videos are frequently adapted from multiple sources. Many of them come from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, especially the work of Steven Hayes, Jason Luoma, and Russ Harris. The sections on stress and the mind-body connection derive from the work of Stephen Porges (the Polyvagal theory), Peter Levine (Somatic Experiencing) Francine Shapiro (EMDR), and Bessel Van Der Kolk. I also rely heavily on the work of the Arbinger institute for my overall understanding of our ability to choose our life's direction.
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One thing which has helped me is when I noticed I am focusing on the negative in my husband or friend, I deliberately focus on 3 good things about the person - and then spending a minute savoring the good in them. Thanks for sharing this with the world Emma, the world needs more of this.
I love this. Great idea Shan!
@@ShlomoJesmerRelationshipCoach Thanks! Some days its not easy when negativity kicks in, but if there is one thing i have learnt, is that practice is what makes a difference. Have a wonderful day!
@@shan6033 I can relate. Negativity is a challenge, but as you said, practice makes a big difference. I also enjoy keeping this topic at the top of my mind. My relationship is my top priority. How long have you been married?
This is really good! It's so easy to get locked in with negativity because of that energetic feel good burst of being wronged. My grandma would say, remember to bless all things all the time, bc you cannot condemn what you are blessing. Make it a beautiful day Shan!
@@shan6033
For example:
Your comment could be more positive by saying something like, "Some days are easier than others." or "Some days are easier than others even when negativity kicks in."
Okay. This is so real. I'm someone who was actually on the other side of the spectrum: I'm a person-pleaser, I trust others more than myself, I idealize and view others as better than me. For many years, this was unconscious. Until I was in an abusive relationship and I was so gaslit and confused by everything, and yet I was still trying to see the good in my partner and trying to make the relationship work. So part of my therapy work has been to actually become more assertive and pay attention to the signs in my body when something feels bad to me, and put up boundaries when needed. BUT ALSO balance the delicate issue of my own perception being tainted by my own experiences and how that may not always signify that I need to confront someone about their behavior. That I also need to manage my expectations and beliefs of how others should treat me. Sometimes it's that, and sometimes it's necessary to confront, make requests, put up boundaries. Anyway I'm working on that. And I appreciate your putting this into perspective.
Same exact story with me
That story sounds like a good lesson on better communication too. If she had only spoken up and asked, "Excuse me, why are you taking my cookies?", I'm sure understanding would've faster replaced all the bitter feelings.
Ive heard the cookie story a few times over the last year or so, with a few slight differences here in there but, pretty much with the same outcome!!!
Except with a Narcissist. This video is 100% correct when working with a normal person, but if you try to change your perception of a Narcissist, you will be taken advantage of, minimized, and invalidated. I am a huge fan of these videos and this work, and I don't know if she is familiar with or has experience with Narcissists. That's a whole different ball game.
So true. I’d like to see a video about dealing with a narcissist.
The best strategy to dealing with a narcissist is detach and then try to get yourself ready to leave for good
@@j03150315 If it's possible, absolutely. Some people can't leave.
So true this doesn’t work in an abusive relationship
I’m not sure why a lot of you women don’t arm yourselves and get a licenses? 🤔🤨🧐
Life is about balance! Yes to focusing on the good and coming from a place of love, but at the same time it’s good to set your boundaries and not allow toxic people /behaviors in your life. The key is to take a step back, detach ourselves from the situation and open ourselves to other perceptions.
Thank you, thank you for your videos. I live in an extremely small town in Alaska and any therapy options are 3 hours away. I have struggled with depression and anxiety for years but didn’t feel I had anywhere to turn. Listening to what you say is very helpful. It makes me think of how I feel differently. Thank you again!!
When we look for the bad
We get mad
When we look for the good
We get thrown under a hood
When we search for the answer
We find cancer
When we expect an outcome
Disappointment will come
When we let go of seeking
Our gaping hole quits leaking
When we live in the present
Life becomes pleasant
When we touch the big picture
We see life is a mixture
Good, bad, and in between
Are judgements and unclean
Pure living requires presence
It is the life filled with essence
-Me
I love this! I saved it to my phone. Thank you for sharing, Sarah!
Absolutely brilliant, wow! You’re truly gifted. I’ve saved this to re-read often. Thank you; may God bless and uplift you.
A positive journal is a great idea. It also helps to reimagine the moments you wrote down.
Could you please do a video on how to deal with breakups? How to make yourself feel better after experiencing rejection? Love your videoes and thank you!!
Camilla Hare nice 👍 request
I agree that's a good request
Always remembering to think about the things that you're thankful for! An attitude of gratitude will keep you on the positive side today and everyday.
Thank you for the free grounding course, what a great platform teachable is!
I am the guy in that story and I cannot stand being the wisest person in a circle anymore. I was always wrong when I didn't listen to my initial intuitions because they all became real.
so useful - good to make requests but it also helps to have a good perception
Thich Nhat Hanh suggests getting to know and changing the partner within yourself, before wanting your partner to change, and changing your relationship from there.
Does not apply to abuse; walk away or make them leave, if abuse is happening
This is just MAGICAL THINKING..."Who loves well, punishes well" This is what i learnt from my grand-father. I shall honor his memory by recommanding : Giving feed back (positive or negative) is LOVE when done with justice & kindness. So don't be affraid to tell what you think.
that’s a great saying. I’m learning that now...
@@CJ-ft9yo Take a look at PETER GERLACK channel. He passed away in 2006 but left a lot of teachings freely accessible for us. Thanx to him. ua-cam.com/users/gercacn
1sanremy Thank you - i will definitely look him up xxx
Emma, i want to thank you for these information you put online. People around me don’t have the access to Chinese information like this. I’m blessed by your work.
High quality counselling. Just look at the bright side and everything will be ok. Life is full of rainbows and unicorns!
😂😂😂
I found this channel today ... I have learned how to change how I feel about certain people... This video ads to it more... Ty... Your so 😎
That’s a nice tip, I have a journal where I write down things I’m grateful for anyway. Maybe I reserve some space for a monthly gratitude list of my girlfriend, so that if I‘m annoyed or hurt by her, I have a nice overlook on what I appreciate about her.
Awesome views of yours on relationships .. thank you Emma McAdams .. concentrate on the positive always , groom your mind to do so .. not for this one specific thing but for everything every aspect in your life
I just want to say thank you. I am a big fan of your work. Your videos really resonate with me and have helped deal with quite a bit of stress and anxiety lately.
Notice the positive! Yes, you can!
Awesome. I will do this journal thing. Thanks
you are startimg to change my life. I"m becoming better with anger management and my realtionship
I love your videos. Thank you so much for making such a helpful content. Please keep making it.
Yes,my answer for some of them is,the least I see you ,the more I appreciate your presence.
• you create your reality but what you choose to see
• see things that make you happy
Manage your perception
- choose to see the positive
- healthy expectations
- understand your responsibilities
How:
- gratitude
- foster the appreciation
New subscriber here! I'm just wondering if you are a believer in Jesus Christ. I just sense a love and sincerity of heart from you that I've only seen with other believers in Christ. I'm I'm incorrect on that, I am sorry. I really enjoy your videos and I believe you are truly walking in your gift/purpose. Thank you for producing this content! Have a great day!
She is a believer!! She definitely is walking in her purpose. God bless this woman!
I never thought of it that way! Thank you! You might of just fixed the relationship I have with my mother in law 😂😅 ☺️ seriously! Love your wisdom great job!
Attention makes our reality
I guess the most thing make me notice the negative in my life is my need to fix things and make everything perfect. It’ll be easier to focus on enjoying life and be easy than try to fix every single thought
Thanks for making these videos, they really help :)
Loved this relay of the short story i have watched on you tube it was amusing hearing it from you- 😂
Yes, I am sure this course will help us to change the colour of our perception. Always have reverse clause to reframe our thinking. ❤️🙏Selfhelpchampion
Wonderful and informative Ms.nutshell. thank you for sharing. 🙏
Hi and thank you so much for this soothing moment.
It feels good to watch a benevolent video and listen to you talking about positive stuff and giving valuable tips.
Thanks again.
Take care.
This was really helpful. Thank you for this informational video
Very scary, I don’t want to find myself ignoring red flags. Some of the bad is fundamental and should outweighs all the small good they do.
👍Accept and celebrate differences.
Listen effectively.
Give people your time.
Develop your communication skills.
Manage mobile technology.
Learn to give and take feedback.
Learn to trust more.
Develop empathy.
You're an angel
Excellent video! We are both in our 80's and feel better than ever! We are all about healthy aging. We are doing research for our new healthy-aging advice YT channel to inspire others. Learned a lot here. Thank you and keep up the great work!
I love your videos, your voice and the way you speak.
Thank you so much.guys pls give this a tumbs up!
I was just harangued at by my mother, so this video comes at a very timely manner indeed! :) Taking the time to see the positive means I reminded myself that despite her anger towards me, she still brought me a cup of soup. It helps soothe the hurt in me. Thank you.
Great Channel keep up the good work very helpful.
And very easy to listen to.
Thank you !
Thank you so much, Emma. I found a good friend in you and your videos!
Thank you so much! I felt really happy and grateful for everything I have.
Can you please the video on narrasistic personality disorder?
I don't think u can ever be happy with a narcissist! Take my advice from experience...Get out asap! U will be so much happier.
Toxic people can b appreciated only for few things, and v cant b with thm for long time, because the environmnt in which v live shoukd b good for us to stay positive,there should b lot of awarenss and education among people to lead healthy life
Actively choose to see the positive
Thank you 😊 I needed this today
I've wondered why it's in our natures to focus on the bad . Some say an ancient survival response to focus on the negatives more in life . What do others think ?
There's a school thought that believes that a miracle is but a change in perspective or perception not sure if there's a difference.. Within in our perceived unconscious perceptions and the chain of radical feelings we attach to it perhaps are just choices.
Sounds scary to actually have choice???
Thank you for your time and your teachings
My question here is, how can I shift my focus without suppressing how I'm feeling at that current moment?
Thisxis really helpful
Lol I never get sick of this story
thank you for this beautiful video❤
Please make a video for people who suffer from hypochondriac
I love your videos. You’re the best❤️
Hi Emma - could you please do a video on healthy coping mechanisms while living alone in self isolation?
I am self isloting since March on a farm in Zambia, Africa. I speak to people face to face, every 21 day when I go into town for groceries.
All of my friends were part of the expat community and has left for their home countries.
Thus my support system is basically my siblings and one friend - with whom I chat every other day via social media.
I am wasting a LOT of emotional energy on resisting contacting them every day.
I am worried I am becoming too emotionally deprived and needy. I do not want to overdo it with my family and friend.
I was emotionally neglected and emotionally abused by my parents - and I am always second guessing myself - for being too needy - when feeling the need for some contact with people.
I also think I am becoming low - key depressed. I am over eating at times. I paint, make jewellery and have a big veggie garden but find it harder and harder to motivate myself to get up and get on with it.
I will be immigrating early next year and I want to use this strange limbo that I am in, to gain some healthy coping skills to deal with isolation and having - for a period of time, anyway - to depend on myself for my emosional needs. 💐
I’m here with u ... greetings 🖖
I ❣️this cookie story!!! I’ve heard it in several different ways, including donuts instead too! Lol 😆
I love this video. I have heard that story about the cookies before. But I love the way you tell it. ( I think he splits the last cookie lol)
I think the cookie story originally happened to Douglas Adams (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)... unless the young man was Douglas Adams.
That story about the "cookies" is actually from Douglas Adam's, it was biscuits, obviously.
Yeah that story has a long origin, it’s been circulating in Great Britain for years under various authors and details. I should have mentioned that I didn’t write it :)
@@TherapyinaNutshell I dont actually know if Douglas originally wrote it, though it's in his writings, but it's so him, and it describes middle-class Englishmen so perfectly....
0:30 Isn't true for Florida Man... how in the world I've Ever Only gotten into 1 car accident ever here in FL (in very exceptional circumstances, being a dumb college 'kid' in a rush 10 years ago) still blows my mind. Not to jinx it hah, it can happen any time anywhere, especially here
i like your videos, but the recording volume needs work. I hear a lot of bass in your voice, calming, but doesn't travel as well.
Hi there. I really enjoyed your talk about perceptions and how to improve your relationships by looking for the positive. I understand from what you said, that I've been guilty of making some regrettable mistakes in the past in my relationship.
Thank you for the really good insight you brought to this vitally important aspect of growing love.
And while l did focus on the whole of your talk with a positive frame of mind, l kind of feel guilty about how l noticed in "Managing Your Perceptions", at 6.52 seconds through the video, that point #3. said "Under staing" Your Responsibility. I wasn't looking for a negative in the spelling, it was just there - when the Understanding my responsibility - was really there. Sorry l just saw the humour in that 😁😊 Thanks for your excellent videos. Cheers, Grant.
thank you
Can u make a video on Dermatillamania plz? I think I may have it and I’m going to therapy in order to get help 😊
but what if your partner's flaw is something that should lead you to thinking about breaking up with that person? how do we differentiate if the flaw is something we should not focus on or something that we should take seriously? like what if I don't want a workaholic husband
❤ wish I could afford your services
If you follow the advice to see good in others, you will end up attracting narcissists or being taken advantage of. 😔🤔
I advocate intentionally seeing both sides of people and making intentional choices about boundaries. It’s just more natural to see the bad in others.
Maddie C. No, that’s not true at all. Being open and seeing the good in others is really no problem if you have working boundaries. If your boundaries are broken by being raised by narcissistic parents for example you’re simply not able to consciously perceive red flags or to hold boundaries when attacked. A lot of people then get cynical and condemn the world. Maybe there are also toxic environments where it seems as most of the people are bad. But it’s not a general rule. I for instance have weak boundaries and I see when someone is trying to take advantage of me. And I do struggle to keep my boundaries up. And I’ve also met a shit ton of nasty people with all kinds of personality disorders. But this is not all people yet alone the whole world.
Dear Emma, thank you for this! I really need it! But I have an experience. I was looking for good in people, helping them, loving them and in return I found out that they are not even grateful but gossip about me... It hurts a lot...and make me that I can look for a good attention in people any more. Too... too many lies fraud betrayal...
How would you apply this skill in a relationship with a narcissistic family member?
Can you give online counseling?
Can I rewire my brain while on medication ?
Not valid in case of narcissistic abuse.
None of these are valid in cases of abuse. Clearly you shouldn't be with an abusive person.
Agreed. Prior to this section in the course is a section on abuse.
This video does not apply to those who are in relationships with those with personality disorders!
❤️🤗
Great video but the examples were a little sexist