One of the first experiences I had with therapy was the therapist telling me "I can't help you if you can't help yourself" and I mentally I was like "if I could help myself I wouldn't be here" and every chance at building rapport was destroyed right then and there.
been to a psychologist and a psychiatrist, they both told me that i have to help myself. it is somewhat valid but when i dont even want to get up from bed, or sometimes eat, move, breathe, talk, study, go outside, i would expect somebody who has a degree in this kinda stuff to do something more than just tell me to go outside, or get new hobbies, or whatever. i respect therapists since they have a lot of shit to deal with but the whole situation is just... discouraging.
Other than prescribing you medicine what could they really do to stop your depression? Their point is that they can tell you what you need to do, but you need to do it.
@@zeaxanthinepoxidase But they could at least say, "Maybe you aren't getting out of bed for one of these treatable reasons." The worst response to "I can't" is "Do it anyway" without a "here's how."
I've been in the same position, kind of like the guy in the video as well where I mentally had a list of what problems I wanted to have fixed. I was pretty frustrated not getting them immediately fixed just by attending appointments. But ultimately, depression is something that comes from yourself. Therapists aren't able to fix it, they're there to help you get to that point. It's likely that things that you have around you is counting towards your depression (i.e. listening to sad music. Looking at sad instagram posts, etc.) so when they say you have to 'help yourself' they mean that you should try and avoid doing those activities. It's ok if you end up not being able to stop doing them a bunch of times. You might also have some insecurities (i.e. social anxiety, not knowing how to live like a normal person). For that you can do little things at a time, like looking at people in the eyes, smiling at them, initiate a conversation (just say hello), go out and do some window shopping. Might seem hard but with everything it gets easier with time.
Sometimes it's not exactly therapy that you need. You crave a mentor who will give you direction and understanding. Someone who has been plunged through the same problems and came out at the top. You want a fresh perspective from a person similar to you, which just knows better.
like the guy from BullDogMindset or David Goggins, you gotta suffer through your pain to come out on top, thats basically their message. And if you feel like you've suffered enough, they got bad news for ya, you gotta suffer a whole lot more And then you end up being happy? man its tough
EXACTLY! So many damaged and hurt people go to therapy thinking "This person will give me all the answers and tell me what to do" that's not their job. That can't be their job either because they don't even know you
I had a therapist one time tell me I was the most negative person they'd ever met, cancel all future sessions, and hang up on me mid-sentence. Really nice.
That’s awful...I had 2 therapists leave the counseling service where I went. One left without talking to me. Then her fill in left 6 months later & said “good luck”. I have enough trust issues; they left me high & dry as far as I’m concerned.
I want to see two therapists trying to give each other therapy now. "How can you help me?" "How do you think I can help you?" "How do you think I think you can help me? And so on
it literally took me 30 years to find the right therapist, but when I did, it took me less than 3 months to deal with 80% of my Complex PTSD. I had to read the fucking books by myself, diagnose myself out of all those wrong diagnostics (from depression to bipolar disorder and tens of medications that did nothing except making me sick). I'm not against therapy by a long shot but the current model is clearly disfunctional and inneficient.
@@jamien.5528 I had a few working in tandem but the names wouldn't help you much as they are in the Public system in Quebec where you get therapists assigned randomly. I won't say their names as I feel like I would have to ask their permission and I'm not in contact with them anymore.
Healing by medicine is a design for faulty machines. It makes sense, given the situation. However, to heal people beyond what technology can offer. One must always write down the details even if it seems irrelevant to the situation. But the road can be dark and not many people can handle the path. Well... I am being objective about it, but sometimes, even when the answers are in your hands. One still stands before the abyssal tower. Regardless, every fate is different and every destiny is woven in time... Yes... Time is the equaliser for the human mind. Internal or external; controllable or volatile; every machine requires its own parts to function. In the end... Sometimes people must live with their faulty body. Sometimes the solution is as simple as nature. Sometimes the only path is the abyss. The choice is only for the individual or for the slayer. Hopefully, such a choice can be made by one's hand alone. There is no fault. There is no sorrow. Only acceptance for the machines of Earth... Or at least, I know it as such. Being earnest and being considerate toward yourself, is all anyone needs to start from. As for the future, I'll leave it up those who still exist. May all things last for a time. Then another shall take its place. Until the final Fate arrives... Harbinger of the End... My final creation.
Same here but with BPD, panic disorder, GAD, and depression. For the first few years I pretty much just got told I have mild anxiety or depression, and an "ah those hormones, dont worry when you're older itll get better, you'll be fine" meanwhile I spent every single day thinking about how I could end it to escape from the pain. Not to say people should just self-diagnose themselves with whatever, but I dont think I could have gotten a bpd diagnosis without actually looking into it. Like, who actually tells you splitting, impulsive behaviors, efforts to avoid abandonment or distorted self image are parts of a mental illness, I just thought I was a broken person that can't be helped because no one took me seriously
I went to a school therapist once who was also a teacher in our school. I had a hard time with my parents, school work and classmates. It was the best 40 minutes of therapy I’ve ever received. She listened at first, then took a piece of paper and described what I should do in relation to those things. Like, it was a mess in my head and she made those things straight. She told me interesting things about friendship, and asked if I had any dreams, and if not, I should. She also was the first person who told me that my nervous system needs extra care and suggested ways to do that, and gave practical advice about workload. Because I missed so many classes our principal held a meeting about my expulsion, and she was there also. But because my grades were still high they let me stay. 1,5 years later I graduated from the top math school of our town with top grades. She checked on me once and said that I really looked different, confident and happy. This experience never repeated in my adult life, however. I guess I was lucky in my school years and my problems were less complicated.
Sometimes I think any advice is helpful, even if it's not the best possible. We look for someone to give us an answer for how to fix our lives, not just someone to hear our problems. I think it's why so many people turn to religion to solve mental health issues, because any answer, even a wrong one, helps their problems.
that's exactly what im looking for, not a cure all, or fix all my problems, just someone who can help me turn all the squiggles and messes in my head into something more easy to read and understand. it's so hard to understand the big picture of what is actually wrong when it feels like everything is wrong, as soon as i start to talk about one problem, a million other ones pop into my head and i lose all sense of direction and end up with "i just dont want to deal with this anymore"
When you're very young, your brain is also very plastic and can change a lot more easily than once it consolidates at about 25 and then becomes more and more ossified after that. Once you've been repeating the same patterns for 30 years, it gets very hard to change without powerful modern or resurrected - psychedelics - interventions. And what do psychedelics do? One of their biggest properties is that they can return the brain to the plastic state of a child's. Seriously.
I had a therapist say to me once, regarding a very difficult problem, "I can help you with that. I'm very good at this and I know I can help you." Let me tell you how much of a relief that was. Just hearing her say that she could help was almost enough. I really believed in her and she believed in me that was a turning point in therapy for me.
“I’m very good at this” I personally would’ve nope’d the fuck out of there after hearing that but to each their own 🤷♀️ Glad it helped you. But for me it wouldn’t have gone so well lol
-Hey Bob, we need your input. How do you think you can help us with our new business project? -Well, how do you think I can help you with our new business project? -Bob, you're fired.
To be fair, should Bob be expected to know everything about someone else's brand new business project, and instantly come up with a way to support or improve on it? I think that asking the person who is in charge of the project and/or conceived it what they think the best course of action is would be the best move, for the project as a whole.
-Hey Bob, we need your input. How do you think you can help us with our new business project? -Well, what *is* your new business project? -I dunno, Bob, we thought you could help us figure that out? Bob: Visible confusion.
My last therapist kept telling me "I can't tell you what to do" whenever I asked her anything. I wasn't asking for direction, I was asking if I was using flawed logic, as that's an issue for me. But I couldn't get an answer. And I left each session feeling like my brain was in a blender.
@@Seerzors I've had plenty of them. They all just wanna sit in a room while you talk yourself better. A whole decade with a least a dozen therapists later, nothing is better. But to be clear, that's for my specific case. I'm not anti-therapy.
@@pixiewixiechu yeah coaching is better than therapy, but why doesn't anyone talk about the elephants in the room "The American dream", "pull yourself up by your bootstraps", 2/3 of STEM graduates don't get jobs in STEM, etc...
I remember my mom made me do therapy and it was the biggest waste of time. The therapist asked if I had ever done drugs and I told her I smoked weed once like 4 months prior to talking to her, and so every time I talked to her she just blamed all my problem on weed. Even though I told her I had symptoms way before I ever smoked. And I literally smoked once in my entire life. 4 MONTHS AGO
Ugh, I understand you. My first therapist was awful and kept trying to insinuate that my problems were from doing illicit drugs... that I never did. I drink and smoke weed, but apparently, this guy only saw me as an addict to an illicit substance. The other two therapists Ive been to were very helpful though. Ive learned that bad therapists try to tell you the problem, and good ones help you tell yourself the problem. You telling yourself what is wrong is a lot more powerful than someone telling you... especially if theyre wrong, lol. Dont just try one therapist. Not every patient-therapist relation-ship floats.
was the opposite for me. i would always tell my therapist i never had a problem with weed and he would eventually just move on but i had a clear problem with weed leading to many other problems
i couldn't be more thankful that my therapist and doctor don't give a fuck. they tell me the actual repercussions of withdrawal like phlegm in the lungs, decreased stamina, loss of appetite, insomnia, mood swings, depression, etc. if its not the cause of the problem your therapist shouldn't care.
There are bad therapists out there with that kind of reefer madness mindset. All the ones i went to however, were actually people who were living in the same reality i did. We openly talked about my daily use of weed and how it affects me. In the end, we all came to the conclusion that it has an effect on me, but it's definitely not the core of my issues.
I'm starting to realize that I got really lucky when I found my therapist. She was amazing, nudged me when I needed nudging, called me on my BS, but at the same time realized that my dancing around subjects and avoiding talking about certain things gave valuable clues as to why I was avoiding them. She was fantastic and I know that she'll have my back if I have any serious issues to work through in the future.
There's a reason the saying "happiness comes from within" exists. You have to figure out yourself what happiness means to you and how to feel it, nobody else can figure that out for you.
@@danielpiche2346 yup and being down sometimes is fine, because only if you've been down, you can figure out what brings you up right and happy again. What people suggest are the things that they think it might work, because it worked for them. Some advices might work for you and some not too. Happiness or generally speaking, feelings, aren't something that's objective. It's all up to the lens of the person viewing the world.
My main issue with therapy is that I already know what I have (depression, general anxiety, ptsd, social anxiety, etc) and can pinpoint times in my life where they likely would’ve stemmed from. I just want to know how get better at dealing with them. It truly seems like no one, not even professionals, know what to do. And like this Redditor, after trying to get better for 7 years and getting nowhere… I just wanna quit now
I got my degree in mental health, but didn't end up going into therapy as a profession because even after all that study, I felt like I didn't have the first clue what I was doing, or how the process would help people. Reading the comments on this video, it sounds like I would have been in good company lol
You probably need an specific type of treatment, maybe a cognitive one, cause the problems your roughly describing are the ones that need a mental and behavioral transformation... Maybe you could search for an selfhelp book or video, to see what works for you, if you can't find a therapist who you can go in this moment. But yes, your problems have a solution and there are professionals who know how to help you.
I feel ya. My therapist HAS helped me a lot in these regards. The practice in sessions are what helped me internalize stuff the most but the biggest thing that helped me is practicing feeling and naming my emotions, and allowing them to pass though me rather than stuffing them down. But my combo is definitely different from yours, I have CPTSD and ADHD.
This video makes me really sad. I have a friend which refuses therapy after a suicide attempt. He thinks it doesnt help him. Hearing this makes me believe him. Therapy doesnt sound like something a meeting with a friend on a beer cant do 10 times better. Having somone sit in front of you you're actually paying lots of money to so they can help you and they end up just deflecting questions feels like BS. So who blames them?
its dificult though, if a person tells you a thing and it turns out to be wrong then youre paying lots off money to have a 50% probability that they will help you and a 50% that that wont work though so i think the best thing would be to experiment and see what works and what doesnt and then come to a conclution in a sciency style of course just my opinion
It can be really liberating and feel safer to open up to someone who isn’t biased or reactive about what you need to explore in yourself though. Having a good support system is of course very helpful, and many people who have a lot of supports and a good sense of community do not need therapy, but the opposite can be true too, where having a very integrated community can make a person feel like they can’t talk about certain things without potentially putting those relationships at risk. Sometimes dark, suicidal thoughts are too heavy for your friends to hold. I’m biased, as this is my calling, but as a therapist I know I can’t help everyone. The main issue is goodness of fit. Just like you’re not going to click into friendship with every person you meet, not every therapist is going to be a good fit. I always tell people to immediately switch if they don’t have a sense of chemistry with any provider, because feeling connected is a huge ingredient to the work being helpful. One more point regarding the video and the comments I’m seeing here, about therapists not providing answers- I like to say, “I have expertise that I bring to the table, but you are the expert on you. The work we do together is a collaboration where we combine our expertise, develop a relationship, and figure out what works for you.” Sometimes people just need to feel heard and understood to be able to process and release pain. Other times they need to learn skills and manage symptoms. Usually, in my experience, both are integrated into the process. But you have to work at it and be committed. If you’re shopping for answers, go to self-help, motivational speakers, or coaches. Therapists can’t do the work for you. *edited because accidentally posted prematurely.
@@artbookgaming Yeah, it really sucks that it is difficult to find a competent trauma therapist who you also connect with enough to be able to establish a relationship and work through what needs processing. I specialize in identity issues and trauma but I haven’t had the bandwidth to take on many new clients throughout the pandemic. I really wish there were more of me and I could help more people. I wish I knew other therapists who I could confidently say can do that work, but all I can do is commit to the people I work with and trust that there are others, like me, who have what people need. I’ve certainly heard about people having good experiences in therapy, but I’ve also heard a lot of stories about therapists who were unable to handle complex cases like yours. I would say, keep looking because when you do find the right person, someone who does long term and trauma work and you at least feel is truly trying to understand what you are experiencing, it does make a big difference. I’m glad you’ve taught yourself some good coping skills and have already figured out in large part what is going on. You’re way ahead of most and when you’re facing this stuff at your developmental stage, you position yourself well to stabilize and find your way through the pain. I really hope someone shows up for you. One workbook that has a lot of useful exercises is 101 Trauma-Informed Interventions. It’s a therapist workbook, but if you can find someone who is interested in using that in work with you, that might help.
Also, in my experience it often takes a couple years to develop enough trust in the relationship to fully open up - not to say that the work isn’t helpful in the meantime, but for someone to really make progress because CPTSD does such a number on your ability to trust. In many ways, developing trust is the main goal - if you can get there, what you need will organically emerge within that. It’s not easy to find anyone worthy of that type of trust.
I feel like the ENTIRE problem with our society is that there's no one beside us to hug us and tell us "Yeah, _it be like that sometimes,_ look at me 2 years ago, and my mother 5 years ago, and your own cousin last year. This is part of life, but you'll get over it, and I'll be here for you for the rest of my life." I feel like, in the community-based living style of the olden times, people were happier. NOT better off, but happier. Isolation is destroying us.
If you can, do your best to be this kind of person for someone in your life who needs it. Tell someone going through a rough time the things that you'd want to hear from someone when you're not doing great. It can help you out, too. It's hard to be objective in your own head when you're not in a great place mentally, but I've personally found my best and most rational voice comes out when I have the opportunity to give reassurance to someone else, and it gives that compassionate, rational voice inside of you power.
@@gonzoGnostalgic That is true, making those those close to you a little happier is very fulfilling. I feel like we've always known this, as a species, but then we took it for granted and started building skyscrapers.
it's not even just the isolation. you can't trust a single damned person to keep shit to themselves and I think it's because people see secrets as currency - especially when relationships deteriorate. Parents - my dad called all his friends telling me I tried to commit suicide when all I did was fall while being stupid. Anything that was personal happening in my life that my mom found out about was spread amongst her friends. so... parents can't be told *anything*. I told my ex some dark secrets from my past and when I left him, he decided to tell all my friends every thing I told him that he thought would damage me. so... no intimate partners can be told *anything* unless you want that shit spread around when the relationship goes south. Then friends -- I've had friends who straight up spread what I told them when we were not yet on the outs and others that told the world after the friendship ended. so... no friends can be told *anything*. That's the only reason I ever saw a therapist is because they are bound by HIPAA to keep their fucking mouths shut.
@@jayes7195 In my case, I go to therapy because no one around me is interested in what I have to say. I have a small company, and my parents, while supportive, get very nervous when I talk with them about my problems. My wife also gets nervous. And bored. And me seeing her bored and not listening gets me super irritated, and we end up arguing. So I just spare everyone the hassle and just pay someone to listen, and to listen attentively, and give reasonable advice. How fucking sad is that?
I think being hesitant to give actual informed opinion is a problem in a lot of fields where opinions have irreversible consequences. I'm busy with my masters in economics, and I see a lot of researchers way too scared that their advice may turn out to be wrong to actually make claims. There obviously needs to be some caution, but the world is so unforgiving that careers can be ruined over one wrong move. This ends up making most of the work that they do useless.
I do data science and I encounter this a lot. I give a nuanced answer to a problem, present charts and possible actions. Every single time management comes back wanting an oversimplification that I can’t give. I don’t know the specifics for economics but I would also be cautious of making claims that people will oversimplify and blame me for loss of jobs and shit idk
The field of psychology is very roughly 50% nonsense. That's why psychotherapists can't help people in a targeted manner, because about half of their field is based on worthless research.
Well you've pointed out the problem quite well but there's also another aspect you're missing majorly. Simply the American law/lawyers, essentially the ability to sue anyone, especially if they think anything you've said or done is advice to anything. Having to maneuver through a potential minefield like that will change entire industries and shape conventions so people can work around that issue whilst still technically doing there job even if it's not creating as meaningful results.
On my first year in Psychology I had an amazing teacher that talked us about compromise with our clients, and what is our position in the world and where he disagrees with a lot of fundamentals about the more standarized kinds if therapy, he often wen't out of his way, not to guide but to create the best enviorement for his clients so they can express their toughts more freely than just speaking on a boxed room with the therapyst, I remember this case he talked about a very troublesome young boy that refused to talk with him in the two first sessions, so he spoke with the mother of the boy and learned that the kid loved street art, he then called a friend and asked permission to go with the boy and create an art piece on an wall outside of the friends house (the friend in case is also a guy that loves this kind of art, so he agreed) and he went there with the kid and boom the kid actually started to speak and to express what was on his mind and what he as dealing with. I take this story and others he told my class to heart, this is not a profession to be chosen lightly and taking care of the human mind does require to think outside of the box a lot.
My experience with (youth) therapy: Me: I have this problem Therapist: okay, is there anything you want to talk about Me: I avoid my problems a lot, which results in my not doing my work Therapist: choose what to talk about Me: Talks about random stuff because my entire problem is avoiding my problems and stuff that's causing stress until I can't anymore Therapist: This was a productive session Me: *internally screams*
I can see where they're coming from with 'working your way up to it' but no??? I find when you FINALLY get to that point of 'OK I'm ready' you get "OK so I'll see you same time next week?" and you're back at square one. -_- It's like setting someone to draw a picture of a view from a mountain and they draw fish inside at the sides and that's all they do and all they get is "This was productive". It WAS but NOT FOR THE RIGHT THING.
Yeah, i had a counselling therapy in uni for about a year. Whenever i get out of the door i feel more angry/upset than i was. After a few sessions, i figured id go to see him figure what my problem was (i mean sometimes i feel depressed and doesnt know why, or if its legit to feel upset over a situation) and then i work on thw problem myself. Picking online worksheets and psych textbook self help from the library. For example, once i felt fake abt my selfies and hated myself for keeping a smile when i was in such a phase. So i was upset and after seeing him i realise im getting imposter syndrome. So outside of counselling, i myself went to learn abt imposter syndrome and accept the fact im experiencing imposter syndrome. But disclaimer: what i experienced was just mild stuff. Maybe just burned out in my final year. If youre maybe in a tougher situation you might need to keep finding a therapy(1:1, group, online) thats suitable for you.
@@thatguyshwag I graduated high school somehow despite it still being so bad that I literally didn't manage to study, but that means I'll be in a totally different environment next year and it's hard to say how that will impact it.
imagine seeing a doctor who doesn't take accountability for what happens to you nor know how to help you AND YOU'RE PAYING FOR IT. This really brings light why people often say therapy is useless because it's like you have a serious illness and they ask /you/ why you have it, tf idk that's why I'm here. I hope there will be more dr k in the world of therapy soon.
I've literally never actually had a mental health expert ask me what I thought the problem was. Usually I explain my issues, they try their one-trick pony solution, it fails miserably, I explain that to them that I can't follow through because of the issue. and then they seemingly just give up and either tell me to my face that they can't help me, or just talk about some random unrelated other stuff like current events, politics, etc. Psychiatrists either just ask me what pills I want to try and just prescribe whatever I ask for, or they tell me to my face they can't help me. I've tried suggesting various things that might be the issue and they just shrug and go "do *you* think that's the problem?" like idk that's why I'm here. It's annoying. Doctors are all horribly incompetent it seems. Can't do their jobs.
@@Otome_chan311 I'm sorry you had such terrible experience. Being lucky to get a good psychiatrist seems to play a bit role in getting actual treatments :( you could try emdr therapy or just a very different approach, if you feel like classical therapy didn't work for you. I have mostly suffered from depression and personality disorder that made me isolated, so long term therapy that was focusing on small goals instead of "cure" was helpful. She was almost like a life coach to be tbh and it was great for the issues I had.
That's literally all doctors. Getting any medical condition properly diagnosed is an absolute gauntlet of incompetence and apathy. I can't wait for AI to replace all of these people.
What you said about solutions being offered is so true. The problem is often the HOW. I literally asked my therapist "okay, you're telling me to do x, but it's incredibly difficult and I can't do it. So, how do I do it? Can you give me advice? What would you do?" and the answer was basically "I don't know, just do it.".
That sounds more like guidance to me than therapy. Outside of friends or family, I don't think you can find any kind of professional who is really prepared to offer guidance on difficult issues.
@@turbovirgin_ it really begs the question of what the point of therapy is if it can't help people who don't have good family/friend relationships. Like if I had good, meaningful connections with other people I can't imagine what I would need therapy for because I already have loved ones I can be vulnerable with
"So clearly you're sad because you're broke. Go be a millionaire then!" "...fucking how?" "Wow, stop overthinking things. No wonder you caused your own poverty. If you wanted to be a millionaire hard enough, you would get it, so just do it."
My school counselor is probably the only reason that I survived high school. I was forced to see three therapists and none of them helped, they just let me talk about my problems without providing any solutions. My school counselor actually gave me so many opportunities and solutions so i could feel better. I will never forget her.
The world is a mixed bag. My high school therapist never helped, and only made high school worse. She had this meme thing on a wall that said "just do it" and that's all she would tell me. She would spend the times she was supposed to meet with me slacking off in the board room and then rushing through the meeting with me with the remaining 5 to 10 minutes she had. She clearly didn't care and I think on top of a lot of negative stuff going on at the time that really made me spiral into a darker place. I will never forgive her.
@@victoryracing7543 This made me cry. Man fuck that "therapist". I really hope you find your way in life my friend. you deserve all you need and want 😢
My school counselor was utterly worthless. All he did was browbeat me into silence. When I once made a statement that came off as "suicidal" (It was not and in middle school.) My homeroom SPED teacher immediately called me out. Sent me to him. I was immediately informed by him that the "threat" I made was grounds to be hospitalized if I "meant" it. Being scared into silence by some middle aged man really makes you resent and mistrust counselors. Ironic because I later did four years in Psych for a Bachelors. I wanted to help others as well as myself. It fell through though I got the degree. Turns out I needed a Masters for anything. Board told me that I would "burnout and would be too expensive." Now here I am three jobs later two of which were shitty retail work. Snapping at everyone. Burnt many bridges with friends that no longer want anything to do with me. Strained family relations where my grandmother keeps trying to get me to go back to school for more education while I try to find a job only to be rejected, ignored, or given such a dead-end position with the lowest amount of pay and no benefits to speak of. No wonder I am so jaded, depressed, and ultimately misanthropic. He was not the first useless counselor I had, but he made an impression. Impressive how one bad impression can haunt you for years.
My high school counselor was basically as useless as the letter "g" in lasagna. She was only there for coaching girls basketball team at my high school and would even be gaslighting me of taking extra college classes while at high school (being all like these courses will be super duper hard to do, which I later found out in college was bs and wasn't that hard) But the sweet irony of it all was that my old high school counselor got into some trouble from texting some of the high school girl basketball players with harassment and right after I graduated, she "left" her position, aka got fired and now my high school has a wayyyy better counselor
From the sounds of it, going to a therapist is like being stuck in a puzzle room and having a person trying to help you over the walkie-talkie. They can hear the problems you're describing, but they can't see them, nor really be there to help. Meanwhile, if you're with a friend who has endured a similar problem before and you known him for years, then it's like solving a puzzle with a friend. Problem is, not everybody has such friends in their life. After hitting adulthood and leaving our parents behind, it's very difficult to find people that can actively participate in our problems, unless you form a family of your own (which also depends).
And when your family is part of the problem is like someone is purposefully messing up part of the puzzle you've been fixing by yourself and the best thing the therapist could do is help you reorganize them again but that doesn't stop the person from messing it up or stealing some pieces again (At least that's my experience)
Therapists aren't your friends though, they can help you in ways that friends can't, because sometimes you need a neutral being in your life, that will be there for only to help you, it's not a symbiotic relationship. I needed someone who didn't know me, who didn't have the knowledge of my past to help me in certain ways. I had close friends that helped me in different ways. Everyone's story is so individualistic, and there are many different kinds of therapy, this is very over simplified.
You see that is how people get stuck in life. I also wanted someone who understood my and my story when I wanted to secretly kill myself with pills, because it was a better alternative to being so stressed every day my insides felt liquified. I got a psychotherapist who I felt meh about because he uses metaphors too much, and goes way too much on the interpretation route, to the point he even asked me "Why do you dislike fish?" "Because, the smell of urine is very distinctive to me and fish has the exact taste I identify piss would have if it was food, that plus combine it with shit. I don't know why but that's the taste I get." and I shit you not he goes "But why does it taste like that?" like I can control what my taste buds feel. (I also study psychology fyi, I know there's a thing called food preference psych, but he refuses to stop at explaining things with "That's what my senses tell me on the most basic level") Eventually I just changed perspective and basically mined for good suggestions among things like "You have difficulty sleeping and muscle pains because your lower chakra is imbalanced, try taking care of your garden barefoot to reconnect with nature" and "You live too much in the virtual world, not in the real one, you lack physical and social experiences, you lack proper external problems so your brain creates them" granted, the second one is much better advice and it's true that the brain does that, on the other hand I told the dude I stopped using my computer (For studying animation) 6-8 hours a day whenever I wasn't working 5 months before. So yeah. The moment I changed perspective into something similar to "My life sucks right now, _insert issue_ is fucking everything up with an 880 on a scale of 1-10, I'll take any 1-10 if it means getting rid of _insert issue_ once and for all." I endured the stupidity in the therapy sessions and got some good advice often enough to help me decide what to do. It was mainly the pain that got me to change perspective but you don't have to go so far. You should care about the information, the solutions, not who is helping you with what. As long as it works it's good. I mean, in my case anything was better than killing myself.
Therapy really didn’t do anything for me as a child because I was trained to not talk about any of the problems that I had because telling the truth would've landed my dad in prison for drug use and such and I'd likely be taken by the state. On top of that I struggled hard with gender and sexuality and didn't want to be outted because my house would've been dangerous then. Despite all that I still vividly remember at 13 years old talking to the first therapist I had. The poor like 60-70 year old man tried to grab onto anything but obviously I wasn't giving him anything of substance to help with. So every time we had a session, he'd started making it a habit of taking me outside to the walking trail behind the building that goes through the woods with a little creek. He took a flower and dropped it down the bridge over the creek into the water and started talking about how the flower has no choice but to keep on moving down the creek because the flow of water gives it no over choice. And we followed the flower in the creek around the trail until it took us back to the opening to walk up to the therapy building. The flower hadn't reached that far yet and we just stood staring at the water flowing, and he went on about how the flower has no choice but to weather on wherever the creek flow takes it, and even if it gets tangled up in debris now it will eventually keep going with the flow of the water. And then the flower shot down the creek shortly after that and he grabbed it and handed it to me. Then he went on about how despite the flower being beat down by the giant flow of fast water, it was still a flower and was still beautiful regardless of what may have happened to it in that creek. He said he wasn't technically allowed to do this, but gave me a massive bear hug and I just started bawling my eyes out. I kept that flower until it was withered down to dust, even after I had aged out of his practice. He knew nothing about my problems or any way of how to help me, but damn did he try his everloving hardest to show me no matter my experience that there would always be an entire world outside to go to and decompress in, and that no matter the trauma I was still human despite it all. Therapy never necessarily worked for me but those nature walks gave me peace in chaos in a way nothing else could at the time.
Absolutely beautiful story. It really is the little things in life, honestly. Everything nowadays is so overblown and grandiose and it's tearing people apart. I'm glad you gained a fantastic memory and found solace within it, keep cherishing it dude, keep fighting.
None of my therapists understood how to treat trauma. They all have done more harm than good and none of them admitted they didn’t know how to treat trauma. Before starting therapy with my last therapist, I told her that I have an extensive trauma history, I don’t want want to talk about the specific traumas unless I have learned some emotional regulation first. She told me that works for her and she’s looking forward to treating me. After pushing me to talk about my traumas before I was ready, she asked what evidence I have that said traumas occurred and asked if it would be on my medical record. I trusted that she would be sensitive to my needs and she betrayed it, I felt shameful of my traumas and I felt like I had to prove that it happened to me and that it wasn’t my fault. She also broke confidentiality to me about her clients, and also compared my self harm scars to her other clients. I left more traumatized that I came in. I don’t think I’ll ever feel safe enough to go to another therapist.
What she did goes beyond just being a bad therapist, some of it like breaking confidentiality can legitimately make her lose her licence to practice therapy
This makes me really really appreciate my CBT therapist. After our initial regular therapy sessions he used to get to know my problems, he came to the session prepared with new material, exercises etc. We talked about what worked in the exercises and what didn't and he kept modifying and handpicking. One of the issues I had was that I'd been gaslit and taken advantage of and he was very quick to "nudge" me in the right direction if I started talking in a way that my own feelings and experience couldn't be trusted. It took 1.5 years, but it's been the greatest transformation of my life. I no longer need therapy and I can't believe how lucky I've been to have had such a good therapist
This sounds exactly like my story, except I'm about 8 months in! I was very lucky to find my therapist on the second try, when I specifically looked for CBT therapists near me.
When I was diagnosed with PTSD the guy on the phone basically told me "here's the treatment we offer, your condition is known to respond incredibly well to this and I definitely think we can help you, you're going to have to engage with it and that'll be tough but in the end it will help." It felt like a real turning point. It just made me so much better. It actually made me engage much more with the therapy than I think I would otherwise because it gave me hope. It helped that the therapist I got assigned to was fucking fantastic, although from what I've heard about other therapists she wasn't very typical (I've only seen the 1, I got lucky).
When I was 16 or 17 I went on this new epilepsy medication. A couple months later I started having depression, anxiety, panic attacks and frequent hallucinations. I had never had a mental health problem before then. I was sent to see FIVE therapists and would have this exact conversation: "Tell me about your childhood" "It was fine" "How is your relationship with your mother" "Can't complain" "And your father?" "Yeah he's cool" "How are your grades?" "Until recently quite good" "Do you have friends" "Lots of friends" "So why do YOU think you have these symptoms" "I have no clue" None of them asked me about my new medication. It took six months for me to connect the dots, I quit my epilepsy medication and immediately began my journey of feeling better. Six months of being terrorised by my own mind. What a scam.
@@thepinkestpigglet7529 no actually two of them were psychiatrists that offered me antidepressants and anti anxiety. I actually did try the anti anxiety but it had an immediate side effect (probably an interaction) But they didn't even ask me about my physical health! They wanted to know my thoughts and feelings, which is fine, but their tunnel vision failed to help
This is truly disturbing. Many antiepileptic drugs are also used to treat depression or bipolar disorder. It is the most obvious place to start. So sorry you had to go through that.
@thepinkestpigglet7529F rom what they described, the therapists were not competent enough to identify the issue. If they did their job wouldn't the the next questions be when did this start, have you started doing anything different? And end up at some point at are you taking illegal drugs and have you changed medications at all? When the rest didn't work, recommend a psychiatrist about the new medication
I feel like whenever I praise Dr. K or someone else does, it just makes him seem like a cult leader-esque type media personality who has a bunch of desperate people wrapped around his finger, so it makes me almost feel bad for expressing how much I like his whole thing. But I really do think Dr K. shows a lot of aspects that are both unique and valuable.
@@itzhen7032 Behavior, Information, Thought, and Emotional control. HGamer definitely has information down. People are free to research on their own but many people probably only watch him. He does have a bit of control over thought since he talks about mental subjects which can influence how people think when they hear him, and the other two much less so, but you could say they could be influenced by the former two. So if you stretch it you *could* say HGamer has all 4 for *some* people, at least a bit. I don't think its a cult though. Hopefully. I haven't watched much.
@SCORPION FIRE I also don't believe it is, but we should still allow the discussion. It's good to reflect ones believes and have them challenged once in a while imo.
The problem, as I see it, is that therapists (and all medical personnel really) are trained to treat uniform problems in a uniform way, but mental problems are as complex as the people who have them... there is no one way to help everyone. If you can't break away from uniformity, you will only help people who fall into the right categories of problems/causes that you are trained to treat. Everyone else is left adrift to figure it out themselves or die trying.
True. I went to a therapist and he was 3 Session like waiting for me telling him "my big issue" he thought I was hiding something... I told I wanted to be tested on ADHD. And there is some trouble in my life but not that I hadn't no hope. He tried to put me in boxes like 'drugs', 'abuse', 'abusive boyfriend' and tickt one than another of.... I left after the 4th session, because I really didn't felt understood. Like wtf bro. Do you want me to harm myself?! Chill 😅 I just want to stop procrastinating and have more meaning in my life... but thats mybe to 'normal' and not 'bad enough' for some therapists. If youre courious - germany. 🤷♀️
As a licensed therapist, I appreciate the deconstruction and perspective of how therapists are trained and recommended to approach treatment. Although I am seeing that Dr. K is implementing the therapeutic model in a way that makes him affable and builds a rapport versus being a very neutral reflective figure
Imo that is exactly how therapists should evolve but then none is really Qualified ...this all got to do with hes boeddhist background and how he views our reality and hese beliefs that dr.k Works in this way... I think personaly that the big majority of therapists are simply onqualified to even get on that lvl and are onconciously sleeping aswell ....humanity lacks awareness and conciousness as a whole ... and u need a higher conciousness to dig really deep in a persons psyche to trully help him...if a person is not spiritualy awakend ur not supposed to go in the subject.. but what worries me the most is that many therapists are not even open to go down that path when they face someone like that...no knowlegde...science isnt there yet...so for now therapists are an exspensive lissening ear in society...because people dont like to lissen to problems...evryone got there own
@@yonoquieroverelmundoarder9501 I would encourage people to make friends if that’s a goal of theirs, but therapists are distinctly not friends. They have to be ‘friendly’, but be careful not to muddy those waters to avoid ending a clinical relationship and potentially harming the client.
@@privatprivat7279 I would be curious to understand better what you’re referring to. Do you mean philosophical ideas of consciousness and perspective of placement in the universe, or religious and spiritual beliefs?
this really hits hard. the common answer people give to depressed people is get therapy, even though therapy has been god awful for me. im genuinely upset with the therapists ive had and i cant help but feel angry at them. i just wish i could find people who are willing to take the risk and just give me a direction. i understand therapists might have good intentions but it truly just feels like theyre scammers. im glad i found this video, i want to try looking into coaching.
I had a therapist when I was 14. In the 4 months I saw her, she: Broke patient confidentiality constantly, told my parents I was faking my mental illnesses, threatened to hospitalize me multiple times which made me scared to tell her anything, and the only advice she ever gave me was to "pretend to be happy until you are." Which seeing as hiding my mental illnesses was the reason I was spiraling so much, really wasn't helpful. I haven't been back to therapy since. And the process of even getting a therapist in the first place was in my case very difficult and borderline traumatic. It's been 6 years since I've been in therapy and honestly I'm scared to ever go back, but know my mental health will continue to get worse as it has been for the past 6 years if I don't do anything.
don't ever push away your feelings, you are the only one who knows yourself better, you are the one who's going to validate it, who's going to accept and be the parent you wish was there for you be the considerate one to give yourself time to process emotions you are your best parent, lover, sister, friend, family, it's not weird at all; getting to know myself and be there for myself in my darkest moments was the best thing I've ever done
After two years of therapy I recovered from depression and stopped having panic attacks, without having to take any medication. Sometimes you just need to get things off your chest but you really need to be willing to open up.
Hey, um, if you're comfortable enough to share do you have any tips or advice on recovery? If you don't want to talk about it, it's okay! I'm happy for your recovery!😊
@@wot4192i was severely depressed too but never took meds cus of personal issues but i can tell you, therapists help a lot.good ones at least. i had a good ass therapist who was the nicest dude ever.he explained things really nicely and helped me overcome my depression. but at the end, what he did was "push" me like every other person in therapy. yes talking helps a lot but YOU are the one who has to make the change u want to see. i dont know if there are abstract advices that i can give you, apart from trying as hard as you can cause the world is fucked up but there r lots of good things and good people n u deserve to see all of that. get up, do something. something little even, just to start your journey of self-help. we have one life, and its hard but you gotta live it. thats all i have really but you will find within yourself the strength to keep going without needing advices. love u man :)
I have lived with severe CPTSD, anxiety, depression and OCD most of my life (childhood stuff). I saw a therapist weekly for ten years from the age of 30 to 40. It helped me. The main thing she did that helped me was be there at the same time, the same place, every single Thursday (except at Christmas) for 10 years straight. She never let me down. I had never in my life experienced anyone reliable, anyone who has any kind of commitment to being there for me, ever. I had a lot of trauma to take to her and she never let me down. She died suddenly on New Years Eve 2022. I will be forever grateful for her steady presence in my life when the rest of it felt like utter chaos and pain.
A lot of people look at therapy like a GPS, but it's more like road signs. They can't tell you what to do to be happy. They can just give you the infrastructure to help you find your way. The problem is some people just have no sense of direction and they don't know left from right. They need that GPS. They need structure because it's not innately in them.
What stops them from telling their patients what to do? They have years of experience dealing with mental health. They are in a very good position to give suggestions as to what a patient can do to feel better. Like you said, everyone is different and some people need some direction more than others.
@@KeenestObserver Because every person is different and there is no established set of answers that will work across all or even most people, if they tell someone to do something and it doesn't work out, sometimes people react *terribly*, and that doesn't help anyone, nor is that the therapist's job. Therapy is all about helping you figure out things (mostly) on your own, because that is how we learn more about ourselves, and that is the main focus of therapy, to understand yourself better. Therapists are just people as well, that have all their own problems like we all do, no one has *the* answers, so it's more beneficial for everyone for them to help through self-reflection than to *tell* you what to do, not only that but someone can tell you what to do, doesn't mean you will execute it properly, they are teaching healthier ways to think, not what actions will help you make your life better, no one has those answers.
Because people gotta learn to problem solve on their own. Its the same reason in school you don't get given the answers to tests or assignments, you don't learn shit if you're just told everything. And I do think the capacity to problem solve is in the vast majority of people when you assess it on a cognitive level so you have to build that sense of direction instead of assuming they'll never be capable of it
@@KeenestObserver honestly I'm pretty sure therapists are no more mentally stable then the any given person. If your looking for advice, find someone you like and respect, with a clear morale character.
As someone who has been through a lot of therapy, its really interesting to hear the philosophy of “getting stuff out”, because its kind of obvious why then people who have been in therapy a long time are often left wanting firmer direction. I myself have experienced this. It gets to a point when there’s nothing else to “get out”, and you’re just hurting.
Yeah, I know. You get it out, but they just give you a blank stare. Thankfully, I found a therapist who responded to me when I spoke, and mirrored back a reaction, and that really healed me and set me free. No one else had ever done that before.
This is why therapy is kinda pointless for me, I have these converstions with myself anyway, I look at my problems, after identifying them I think about why I don't like it, and once I've understood that, I come up with a solution, and if I can't do that, I learn to accept that part of myself.
Yes you talk to yourself but you might identify way to much with your problems and so your whole perspective gets contaminated. That's why talking to someone who is good at listening to understand and give guidance into sorting out what's going on is necessary.
@@freemindas Therapists don't give guidance though. Because if they tell you something you're not ready to hear then you'll just disagree anyway and there is also the fact that if they just give you the answers they are just giving you a fish instead of teaching you how to fish and will ultimately rob of you of the process of fixing the problem. That's why they just try to get you to continue talking instead of actively helping. Therapy even at its best is just self-reflection, and anyone can do that on their own.
@@AlexRodriguez-gb9ez That doesn't matter for two reasons. Reason number one is the same as the old saying, give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day, teach a man to fish and he'll eat for the rest of his life. If you give someone the solution to their problem, then you remove their chance to exercise learning how to problem solve, since an ability to problem solve is the root skill that enables people to improve things. Reason number two is that it has to come from within anyway, someone has to choose to change before they will change, and part of that is deciding what to do for themselves. I don't know if you've ever tried to give someone a solution to their deep problems, but it very rarely works. There's always some reason or another why they won't take your advice, especially if they don't actually know you. Sometimes those reasons are legitimate and you aren't aware of all the factors, sometimes it's just the fact that they just aren't ready to accept the solution. A huge part of solving your major problems in life is coming to the realisation that you are doing something wrong, that's a painful process for people and no amount of outside help will make it any quicker or easier to accomplish. Self-improvement and healing is a process of reflection, that's why therapists will just let you speak and never actively do anything. They essentially act as a mirror and get you to talk to yourself. Because if you do that seriously and for a long enough time, you WILL find the answer. You know the problem AND you know the solution, it's just a matter of honestly looking for it. If people honestly ask themselves why they feel the way they do or why their life is the way it is, the answer will appear to them. But the hard part is being honest, and no third party is capable of getting somebody to do that. You tell the truth to someone in denial and you'll just make them angry.
For me, I used therapy to voice thoughts that I'd usually avoid or suppress. Dealing with social anxiety, I often have irrational thoughts about what people are thinking about me and voicing them to a therapist or counselor helped a lot. Your point about "the therapist working with you" was spot on. Often times, my academic adviser was more tangibly helpful than talking with a therapist, especially when it came to accepting mistakes, not setting unreasonable/unrealistic expectations, and self sympathy.
This video perfectly articulates my issues with the field of mainstream therapy, and why despite my passion for psychology and helping people, I've always felt put off by the passive style of things. I'd like to see more therapists who are trained to do more than listen and avoid any kind of responsibility; I have a cat for that.
I think, and I'm saying this as an unlicensed individual, a therapist's most important job is teaching people to maintain healthy mindsets, and you HAVE to take responsibility for that to happen. Let's use abusive relationships as an example. In my opinion, it is the therapist's job to help you identify whether the relationship is factually abusive, and how to break away from it. They also need to convey that while you might be in a worse spot temporarily, learning to be independent and break away from any later possible abusive relationships is a really important skill for communication and finding good relationships that aren't abusive. I just don't see how to express that consistently to patients without taking the matters into your own hands.
I agree. A therapist shouldn't be a mere mirror. We have to accept that each therapist has their personal cognitive biases of course. However what's exactly precious to a patient is an outsider's perspective to their issues. Specifically an outsider that can also analyse their problems and offer them an option they did not see beforehand, even if it isn't a direct solution.
Therapists do definitely help in creating plans for leaving abusive relationships, its moreso that as a therapist you can't just say "okay now leave" because more often than not the client just stops coming to therapy if they arent ready to face the reality of their situation. Even amongst friends like I've seen people push away friends who pressure them to leave because theyre so deep in their denial. You realistically want to keep them in therapy as long as you can and slowly move them in that direction. There are also a lot of services and resources for people trying to leave DV situations that provide things like financial support, literacy support, housing support and a lot of those more practical considerations that are barriers (at least where I live, I dont know how strong these services are elsewhere) but therapists are trained here to make those referrals to places that perhaps are more specialised or can provide more hands on support
Yeah they should. Like, my therapist didn't push it, but he definitely pointed out when something was leaning a dangerous/potentially abusive direction and he was spot-on. I didn't continue that thought in the session (as in, we didn't talk more about it), but I kept it in my mind and that helped me.
@@The.Painted.Angel. totally agree. A friend of mine was in a situation where she got gaslighted and I needed to talk to her for hoursss of clearly pointing out what was wrong with her relationship so she would understand. A second hour long phonecall and texting over multiple days was necessary to make her brake up. And that was only possible because multiple people talked to her before untill she realised something was off with that guy. I'm glad that she actually trusted me enough because I study psychology because like I said multiple people already failed to get her out. - And that was me talking to her as a best friend so imagine the efforts it would take for a therapist that you only see for an hour each time and don't trust as much as a close friend. I've read it before somewhere in the comment section and I need to say it as well: "therapy is suggestive and not demanding". It's basically the art of leading you and making you think the stuff was your idea 😂
Had awful psychiatrists who acted like therapists and messed up a good three years of my life. Now have one that has helped me be healthier (mentally and through that physically) than I've been my whole life. It depends so so much on the therapist, which sucks because dealing with mental health problems makes you way less able to book an appointment with anyone, let alone go "Wait, this isn't helping, I need someone else" There needs to be stricter standards and some sort of honour code system for only dealing with people you actually can help and referring the rest to others.
I really enjoyed this clip. I am currently in a Masters program for counseling and funnily enough am focusing on ACT as my grounding theory. I've definitely been struggling with balancing the idea of giving advice vs letting clients find their own answers and I think Dr K really brought up some good points. It's also hard to balancing problem solving with giving space for the clients to express themselves during a session. Just brought up a lot of thoughts and I really appreciate the conversation!
I think intuition and experience are two very important tools to figuring out whether a client will learn from letting them figure out their own answer, but these tools can only really be learned and honed when you take how your patients respond to you to heart and get bothered by your effect (or the lack thereof) to heart, which is really not easy. In the end I have never given therapy so my advice means little, but I thought I'd throw it out anyways in case you find something useful in it (and if not don't worry about it and just ignore what I said).
IMO you should always let clients find their own answers. Or at least that should always be the default. Or put another way, whenever you want to give advice it should be done BY LEADING THEM to discover this conclusion/advice themselves -- because that's how understanding works anyways.
I think its disrespectful that people in chat say "he expected too much from the few appointments he had", dude said he had been on and off therapy for 7 years. Come on! We need to be honest and say therapy doesn't work on everyone. Because, believe it or not, some people's trauma is only external based (ie due to what is happening to them). How can I therapist help a man who lost his job and his home, or someone in legit terror over how they will afford tomorrow. Sometimes problems themselves are existential, not our perception.
Amen I was in therapy 4 years ago because I was experiencing life problems. I was depressed, I had just had a baby, experiencing relationship issues with multiple people and grieving the loss of my sister in law and some of the relationship issues I had were with family members also grieving. It was so hard. My therapist said "Yeah that is hard! That is A LOT to handle, for ANY person. No wonder you're so depressed and anxious your life is hard right now." I felt like I was finally heard and finally seen. I was like wow she gets it. That's really all I needed was validation and confirmation that what I was going through wasn't just in my head it was all around me too. She confirmed that for me. I desperately needed that. It felt so empowering. She also told me she struggled with anxiety and when I asked for actual ways to cope and to de stress she gave me some. She told me what she had to do to de stress after hard sessions with clients that left her feeling heavy. She sympathized with the fact that she also suffers with anxiety and it's hard to explain to someone who doesn't have it because they can't relate. For her it was her husband telling her to just try to stay calm, she told him I can't it doesn't work that way and how frustrating it was for her. She understood me. I think therapy should be about having someone listen and be sympathetic and understanding but they aren't always. They also don't always give you strategies or coping mechanisms. Our society over hypes therapy, not every therapist works for every client and sometimes people just need life advice or help in ways therapy can't give. If your therapist isn't a fit people please try someone or something else. Don't give up life is hard it's hard for most people.
this is exactly why i want to spit in the faces of people who scoff and tell me i just need professional help etc. like, i'm fine when im not in an ultra abusive environment where im constantly reminded that im not even considered a human who deserves the basic necessities of life.. i didnt make this system. i didnt do anything to make those who control our laws and society make me unworthy of life. its the psychopaths who are destroying society and our planet that need the fucking therapy. no amount of talking and medications is going to change the thoughts of the abusive psychos im surrounded by here in shithole USA where child abuse is enabled and supported by the state for kids who dont want to harm others for profit / entertainment. where the state funds the worst people and attempts to kill off everyone else..
I think perception and attitude are a very important part about therapy. If someone is sick and will probably die it is very important to help them get a more positive way of thinking. People have different levels of resilience and if people have problems with external factors this resilience is essential to cope with these problems. Therapy can help finding new resources to elevate your resilience including new and healthy coping strategies that can indeed include talking to friends but also stuff like relaxation techniques. So let's say someone has social anxiety because of bullying. I think this example shows how external problems can become internal problems. The therapist can't just change the environment of the client but he can help them build up resilience so they can learn how to better deal with their problems - or let's rather say how they can fight against external problems becoming internal. Let's say one therapy goal is to get the client to be more independent as a new resource because up till then they relied heavily on their friends. In behavioural therapy it could be that the client gets tasks like building up a routine, doing little walks around the block without avoiding strangers, leaning how to relax and stuff like that. Exploring resources also includes keeping them up such as friendships and good bonds with the family, having a hobby, having a religion, being financially secure, doing sports etc. With all those resources and higher resilience it is more difficult to get thrown of by critical events. How you deal with toxic people in your life is key to how it will make you feel. So perception actually is a huge part of recovering from any mental illness even if the cause is external - and I dare to say that a lot of mental illnesses are caused by external factors
"Sorry I can't help you go see someone else," "Sorry I can't help you go see someone else," "Sorry I can't help you go see someone else," is my life, people are directing me to help, but it really feels like "I should learn or get better on my own."
What they should have done is: "I am not the best person to help you with this, But, here are some therapists I know who are better versed to help you with your problems" or something like that.
thanks for the comments, some of it applicable to therapy, but It also applies to everything in my life. I get help, but they just hand me off to the next specialist or professor. Looking for answers to life's problems really, just like video touched on. Only recently have I landed at a rock which I feel is enough, but barely enough to give the answers I seek.
It's true, our problems will never have all the answers, But from our point, we can learn what NOT to do, what to AVOID, and how pain is inflicted, learned and projected, don't worry karma is real and you don't have to revenge avenge just use trauma as something to LEARN from
My therapist is freaking amazing. She gives me homework, points me in directions, talks me through things, and helps me deal with my pain. She is giving me the tools to I need to get better. She also gives me fantastic advice about setting boundaries with others and even with myself. Finding a good therapist is like...dating. You have to try a few before you find the right one.
You have fallen in love with your therapist, maybe she is manipulating you. Pay attention they've study human's mind for years and the use people's weaknesses in order to bring money in their pockets...
I went to therapy with a real go-getter attitude. Ready to give 110% because I was literally having panic attacks every day and veering into paranoia. The first therapist I had did not help. She asked me to talk about my trauma and I thought "if I do this it'll help" and when I was curled into a ball crying I thought "if it hurts this bad it must pay off eventually". Anyways she fired me as a client and I was reassigned. With this therapist I was able to stop having panic attacks. It took forever and it was hard but it wasn't anything like my first therapist. Initially not knowing how therapy is supposed to work actually fucked me over when I was trying my hardest to help myself.
@@Bprimemod so if you ever can't breathe during a panic attack hold your breath for a couple of seconds. it almost resets the breathing I don't know how else to describe it. I've prevented myself from passing out using this trick but I'm not sure you'll need it... but being flexible with coping skills is my next advice. Have a list of ones that worked in the past +new ones you think might help and have them handy for when you need them.
@@arowace498 u ever get heart palpitations or fast heart rate? Happens after doing 💨 for me its basically a really bad panic attack u know how to slow it down?
@@andresmcjr yes, thats one of my most common symptoms. I can't say I have focused on preventing that symptom because I'm very accustomed to it so it doesn't bother me much. I'm so sorry, I wish I had more first hand experience for you. Of course, deep breathing is supposed to help but make sure you practice when you're calm too. The more you practice calming techniques when you're stable the greater chance it'll be effective when you're unstable.
I like the restaurant analogy! If the therapist doesn't order, the patient will starve. Also, I think it's important to mention that the patient went to the therapist with the expectation they would order something and even paid them to do so.
A therapist that admits that they aren't being effectual is rare and definitely a keeper in my experience. I suspect my recent therapist believed that, but she would never admit it.
Had a friend who went to therapy since he had a bad split with his wife. The therapist deemed him suicidal and had the police come to take his guns which he the had to petition to get back. Which only made his depression worse. After seeing that I can't blame anyone who doesn't want to pay for therapy.
Or they can send you to mental institutions depending on what you say, its a crock of authoritarian bullshit to make more money for the healthcare industry.
I feel just like the OP does. I've seen so many therapists and they all gave me friend level advice at best. I have to keep waiting on waiting lists for 5-6 months just to get another therapist that sits there and only listens. I wish I had the money and access to get some coaching from someone like Dr. K.
Yeah wait lists are bad rn because of COVID there was a stigma around therapy before so the industry had been rather small but now everyone and their mother is realizing they need therapy in one way or another
@@Gingerbran exactly, he himself mentioned that he's not unique and that other people can also do the sort of stuff that he does. Tbf it's not common to encounter someone that has the level of wisdom he has and the vocabulary for explaining certain things (English is fairly limited in what it can describe for mental stuff and I think his knowledge of Sanskrit helps), but it's not rare or impossible to find someone that can help OP just as well
I've had good results with a therapist, but the thing is that you can only get out what you put in. You have to be clear about what your issues are and what you want to find solutions for. If you don't know what your problem is then it's like going to the doctor and saying "I have chronic pain" and when the doctor asks where the pain is you just say "I don't know".
Ok, I like K. I like his approach and overall philosophy, but this talk got very weird and very dangerous very fast. Look people, K is awesome, but he is a psychiatrist, not a psychologist. His knowledge of different psychology approaches is very limited. What people take 5 years or more to learn, he "kinda learned" in 2 years max. There are many (many) therapy approaches and methods that have barely anything to do with Freud and "neutrality". But instead of dunking on K, who seems to be doing an honest work, I'll just recommend a few different things: 1- CBT: oldest "direct" therapy there is. CBT people usually work with actual results in mind, discovering what your problem probably is asap so they can give you assignments that match what you are going through and need to learn. If it is a miss they just go to the next possibility, just like K said. 2- Psychodrama: uses your body and your imagination A LOT instead of just leaving you to wonder who you are. Usually involves a group, but there is also individual psychodrama for those who prefer it (still, a group is nice because you will see other people going through stuff as well). 3- Art Therapy: make stuff! create stuff! sometimes even destroy stuff! instead of just ruminating about what your problem might be, if you are having problems even communicating that to your therapist, this will offer you a way larger repertoire of communication. 4- Ericksonian Hypnoterapy: I mean, if you're into the idea of being hypnotized. There is a lot else to talk about. I also feel ethically required to say that we just MUST at least talk about the possibility that OPs approach to "going to therapy" is kinda misguided. It is ok to want answers, but no training in the world will allow a therapist to read your mind. There is no magical therapy pill either. If a client comes to me and can't even put into words why they are here, I'll probably need a few sessions to hear them out before I can lay out a therapy plan. Therapy is not magic.
Same. I’ve gone to several therapist/psychiatrist/therapists and none have helped me. I’ve recently received an asd diagnosis and now I’m thinking I needed someone who specialized in asd. I need more of a life coach than an actual therapist because most of my issues stem from miscommunication which therapists suck at addressing. A lot of “everyone feels that way” and “change your view”. Not really possible when you struggle with understanding people and being understood. Hard to find a good therapist when you have asd.
As a therapist, I can completely empathize with a patient's issues while also trying to help guide them towards solutions. I can appreciate your approach to treatment and education. I have not found that same lack of responsibility you feel that therapists approach treatment with just from my own experience in supervision and working with my peers. It seems that therapy has moved closer towards including solution-focused approaches.
Just adding that I also feel like OP. It seems like therapy only works with people for who talking about their problems makes them feel better. But for me it's useless unless I get advice for solving the problem that I hadn't think about yet myself. Like what this video does, I never considered taking a coach. Some actually useful advice. Thanks.
The part where you say : the patient wasn't ready yet, it's not our fault" struck with me. I had a therapist who's done far more bad than good. Actually, a lot of bad and no good. She would gaslight me, reprimise me for things I said I need help with and candy do well at the moment, tried to persuade me that I have a specific mental illness and should have suicidal thought. And said she was perfectly capable and perfect and that I was the problem and I just have to overcome my said mental illness behaviour and become healthy, then she can work with me. And so on and so on. It really took a toll on me, my work and friendships. And I was lucky I've been seeing a seasoned psychologist while waiting for a therapy opening. I could go back to someone with expertise and who knew me at my worst to get a fair view on me and wether I had that said illness and my feelings about the therapist.
I've been to countless therapists and nothing has come from it. The second I started with coaching there was this amazing natural flow of honesty, it feels far more personal and there's a relationship formed between patient and professional. I've been able to work through and touch on so many aspects of my own trauma without a rush to it. And the best part of coaching is it doesn't rely on your misfortune, if you never talk about your childhood trauma you'll still see your own growth because it aimed at improving your world from the inside outwards, not verbally writing your autobiography
It is rough hearing the "what do you think you should do" deflection. In my experience it works for some things, for example maybe I'm lagging in a class and the obstacles aren't exactly huge existential things so forcing me to come up with solutions might be enough to unclog the problem, but it's terrible for other situations, like trying to find a direction in life after feeling stuck for so long, and they're just replying "I think you know what you want to do" when no, I mostly certainly do not. Sometimes there's also an element of replying with answers you think they want to hear just so you can move on, otherwise you're stuck in a conversation loop (or worse, awkward silence) and there's only so many minutes left in your session.
I'd say this is where journaling or other forms of self reflection can be really effective. In an hour session with a therapist you're probably not going to figure out what you want to do with your life But the therapist can say, how about you go write down 20 things you might want to do, or ask 10 friends what career path might be good for you, and then we can talk again and try to make sense of the results. Or suggest it and ask the client to think of a similar exercise that would move them towards insight You can't find all the answers in a session, and of course the more important determining factor is what you do in your daily life, not in one hour of it
When I repeatedly get "What do you think it is? etc" it feels like they think I am lying and they are pressing me to admit it. Getting nothing but questions thrown back at me is very insulting. By the time I go for help I have already looked at it from every angle I can think of. If I knew these things it wouldn't be a problem.
@@gmansard641 I think a good therapist won't just repeat the same question. They might ask the same question in different ways, or come at the problem from angles that you haven't thought of, that helps shed light on it Asking the same question over and over can sound like an interrogation
@@TheParadiseParadox That's what it feels like, an interrogation. They don't believe me when I say I don't know, then they tell me to stop saying "I don't know." I have had more than one do this. One of the few times any therapist had any real insight into me was when she observed that I first came to her already having a high degree of self-knowledge and that the throw-the-question-back technique wouldn't work well with me. A good insight, but therapy still hasn't done much for me. I can explain things very well, but being able to do that doesn't make me feel any better.
I think the reason Life Coaches are taking off is because, despite the fact that they have a "1 solution fix all problems" approach, their solution happens to be the right one for the problem a lot of people are having which therapists also happen to be unable to solve. Working out, eating healthy and talking to other people as a means of SELF IMPROVEMENT can do absolute wonders for people lacking a direction in life, which is a very common cause of depression, and even the one mentioned by the redditor who made the OP. Sure, it might be a fix that only lasts a few years for some people, but your other option is shelling out tens of thousands a year for therapy that answers "Which direction do you think we should go?" when you ask for directions.
Except you are just masking the trauma, and at some point something is gonna trigger it at which point you will have a breakdown Ask me how I know, sigma grindset is not a viable method to get rid of mental illness
In my experience, therapy has costed less than a lot of "life coaching" nonsense and they were at least equipped to tackle my more fucked up problems. $30 a session with a therapist every other week to discuss strategies and vent or $250 a session with a life coach to tell me "well have you tried running in the morning before work?" "Yes asshole, I have. Problem is that I work 12-14 hours and the shifts change constantly. So either I am gonna be exhausted and my health issues will worsen." "Have you tried finding a different job." "Oh gee no, sir. As a matter of fact, I dun forgot to put ups muh resume on the Indeeds" Massive waste of fucking time.
Therapy really helped me, typical "it be like that" is a short term relief but my therapist helped me long term. She was good about leading me to the answers, she never told me how to think or gave me answers, she asked questions that allowed me to find my own answers. If I'm being completely honest, my advice was going to be the only advice I take, and she helped me give myself good advice. I'm in a much better place, and when I struggle I can in my head ask myself those same questions.
That’s exactly how I would describe what my therapist has done for me. She asks me questions that make me reconsider the way I think and in turn has helped me give myself better advice. For example, in one of our first sessions, she asked me “do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?”
Man too fucking real man..... After a few months of weekly sessions with my previous therapist I was having an awful week, I was hysterical and down. I told her I just didn't know what to do anymore, I needed help figuring out what to do to get myself out of this hole. She told me "I think you know what you need to do" I was heartbroken, I didn't book another session because I figured I should know what to do..... So frustrating, she just didn't want to take a stab at any real answer, it almost seems like a closed loop to keep the patient returning, I know that's not the case, but no risk, no reward. DR.K is so awesome, really enjoying these small talks, and streamer talks as well =)
I hate to break it to you but that's therapy in a nutshell,why do you think they teach them to not give answers to clients???it's obvious,so you keep returning and waste your money,energy......I suggest you watch Jordan Peterson videos and then come back
@@randomness4989 it's not because of this. It's because no answers on their part will work. The whole idea is to give you mostly a clearer image of yourself, a degree of self-awareness needed for you to have a glimpse into the why of your problems and ways out of them. The problem is that either people don't understand how that works or lack the very basic level of self-awareness. I think to go to therapy, one should get acquainted with how it's supposed to work and then it truly does work. Else, you may risk running in circles, it's true
@@Limemill but what if I m a lost soul with no purpose and I can't take advise?should I just take meds and pray to God the answer comes itself?like wtf is this backward logic,you take meds to stop thinking but you need to think to solve your issue !
@@randomness4989 look, I'm no expert to solve the med + therapy conundrum, but I know that statistically combining the two increases chances of recovering from depression by 25%. So it must still work somehow. If we take meds out of the equation, therapy is all about you putting questions to yourself and answering them, and the therapist is there to mostly make sure you ask them in the first place and answer them honestly. When you don't, you will be steered towards a path that is conducive to it. If you're very self-aware, if you know where you tend to go off rails, you probably don't need therapy, you should be able to easily self-correct
This makes a ton of sense actually, I’ve been in therapy for maybe 8 years now due to a variety of issues, many of which are related to autism and adhd alongside generalized anxiety and a good bit of trauma, and I’ve often struggled with when I finally open up and talk about what’s hurting me all I get is a “that sucks” from my therapist. the only type of therapy that has made a meaningful impact for me has been DBT, as that is very action-focused and gives you a ton of coping mechanisms to work with that really helped me with my toxic shame issues.
The other thing is, sometimes the shit that’s wrong with your brain is a chemical imbalance rather than your way of thinking, and ultimately the best thing to help is medication. It’s not for everyone, but it shouldn’t be stigmatized as an option.
As a therapist, I tend to be more like what you’re describing yourself as Dr. K and I worried that I was doing something wrong, but now I feel better about what I’m doing. I remember as a client thinking a lot “ok I understand these things come from childhood, but what can I DO now?” Many therapists would constantly try to bring things back to my childhood when I ALREADY KNEW THE REASONS but it didn’t actually help change anything. Thankful that my supervisor is very directive and solution focused as well because my program was very non-directive and it was frustrating.
I'm a trainee and one of my favorite little personal axioms is that insight can be precious, but also a fool's prize- insight without action and choice doesn't really do much. I'm also in a really nondirective program so cool to hear of someone else with similar experiences!
@@sketchreemead6353 "Insight can be precious, but also a fool's prize" - I could really have stood to hear that in my twenties. People I had spoken with said I was one of the most introspective and self-aware people they knew, but all that awareness melted away to nothingness like morning dew on a hot summer's day, when confronted with real life situations. Not to mention all the awareness in the world means nothing if it doesn't inform your actions, or spur you to action in the first place...
@@sketchreemead6353 On the other hand, the bias to action is one of the greatest mental hiccups we have as people and should be taken seriously. Insight is only the very first step in the chain of productivity. But the next one is never action, it's Orientation. Orientation is not active and its absence causes behavior to feel absurd, blind or pointless and introspection to feel like spinning your wheels aka "thinking without learning".
Every single therapist I've been to has been utterly useless. I walk in tell them the issue UP FRONT, tell them WHERE IT'S COMING FROM, HOW IT'S AFFECTING ME AND WHYYYY... All I ever get is, tell me more... so I do and then OH we're out of time, see you next week :) Next session, SO LET'S RECAP EVERYTHING YOU ALREADY KNOW.... tell me more.... OH we're out of time, see you next week :) AT INFINITUM. And the classic, you need to figure that out for yourself :) If there ever was a type of person I'd love to slam through a fucking table, it'd be therapists aka charlatan scam artist pieces of useless trash. YEARS UPON YEARS, THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS, what has it gotten me so far.... literally NOTHING. I still know what the issue is, STILL know where it's coming from AND STILL KNOW HOW IT'S AFFECTING ME AAAND WHYYYY.... ya know the same as YEARS AGO. If you love burning money, go see a therapist.
I literally had 2 appointments with a therapist where they basically just said "you know what to do" and I wasn't even eating at the time.... I knew what to do, technically, I didn't know how to do it.
I once wasn't eating and it made me develop globus hystericus. Instead of going to therapy, I went to my GP. Advantages: it's cheap, it goes in your medical record and they give practical tips on eating. He told me to eat more so I could open up my throat again and hé promised I would feel better. I left feeling like a weight left my shoulders and I drove to McDonald's, swallowed two giant burgers and felt ah-mazing. I know fast food is not the way but damn, my throat learned to work again and I finally got some calories again and from then on I got my appetite back.
What I'm gonna write next is my opinion as a psychology student who doesn't have enough experience to have a valid opinion but is still trying to understand what the hell is going on in our heads: I think there is a problem with our culture in general that is producing states of mind that are near other studied illneses and disorders. There is some feeling of hopelessness that seems to be spreading faster and faster. It seems to be becoming the norm. And if it is actually spread out we can not treat this as if it were a single case. If you are a small town doctor and you have a patient with food poisoning you treat that one patient. If half the town has food poisoning and they dont seem to get better then just medicating every single one won't be the answer. You have to check what food is being sold to the town. I think something similar is happening. Our culture has evolved in such a way that most of us feel detached. We have incredibly high standards thrown upon us to achive happiness, and the way to get there is becoming more and more difficult. I'm not saying we have to dismantle capitalism. This isn't a pro-communist post (I would have to be a hypocrite to write an anticapitalism comment and have a star wars profile pic at the same time). But we as a society should revalue what it is we are creating. There is something that isn't working. And so we end up with people like this. It doesn't seem like this person has a particular illness or disorder (what psychologists study to help with), but rather it seems like it is the offers that life has to give him that are not working in his favour. Disclaimer: this is not my first language. I apologize in case there are any mistakes Edit: I have written this six months ago. And some of my thoughts since then have changed. Looking back I think I have been dealing with some slight depression and that made it so easy for me to see the world through grey tinted glasses. So maybe what I said isn't necessarily 100% factual with reality. Maybe it's just the mumbles of a 21 years old girl disillusioned with life. Maybe the world has always been grey, and always will be and the true hero's journey is building a happy life out of it. Or as happy as one can be. If you also feel disenchantment try to talk it out. Sometimes talking about these things out loud helps you see paths you weren't noticing before. To anyone who read this far: we are in control of our lives. Lots of love
It's a problem with the ideologies the western world has created, we've taken away religion and higher meaning and replaced it with secular humanism and post modernism. When you're relentlessly bombarded with the fact that this life is all there is it gets very difficult to maintain hope
@@jokinghazard4022 I think that is an interesting observation, although I don't completly share your vision. I am an atheist and I strongly believe that it's actually better to be able to live without a god (although I completly understand and dont judge those who do, my mom is catholic and I love her very much). But most religions do preach about loving others, helping each other and being compasionate, the things I think we are lacking. So I don't think it is religion in itself we need more of, instead what it preaches: love, community, acceptance. We certainly don't need more of: everyone is on their own, only we make ourselves, you gotta be self made or you are nothing, if your story is not a story of success it is not worth telling, be a leader not a follower type of mentality. Because no one succeeds on their own, no one.
@@sol.f I would argue God is absolutely necessary to accomplish the ideals of love and compassion. look at our current culture today, there has never been a time where love and tolerance are the supposed highest virtues of our society, yet we are becoming increasingly divided and hateful. The reason for that is the love and tolerance society teaches is rooted in self, which in turn leads to no standard for love. Then when the standard is gone and people get to define it however they want they ultimately define it selfishly and ostracize people who disagree. A standard of morality outside of yourself is incredibly important to actually being able to be moral to others, without it humans naturally revert back to selfishness I should note here, I am not saying one cannot be moral without God, I am just saying that morality without God is incredibly difficult to sustain
@@jokinghazard4022 I think you are making some valid points. Specially the last one. I would argue that another way to achieve that goal is through education. Kids and teenagers should be tought about compassion, the value of honesty, teamwork, how to challenge prejudices, how to open up emotionally, how to communicate. I consider myself an empatic person, and I singlehandledly attribute that to my loving parents who always made sure I thought of the world as a chain of love, where one act of kindness can spark another one, and another one, and so on. So in summary, I think education is the answer. You could do it through religious methods, but there are people who also take advantage of that, and in the name of gods perform evil acts. But I think we can agree that the answer is through education (however we define it)
I’ve been through several therapists. But I found mine relatively quickly. And it was the perfect storm. She listened, was supportive, helped me through a dark time in my life. She called me out when I was full of shit, she showed me parts of myself that I didn’t even realize. I still see her to this day. Idk what I would have done if I hadn’t found my therapist.
I went through the same thing. It took me 13 years to get over my anxiety because of it. Doctors can't solve these problems because they are living, speaking + working from the same paradigm that causes these issues in the first place. The best they can do, in my experience, is cover it up... temporarily. But for me to overcome my anxiety, I first had to realize that I am not my brain. I am not my thoughts. Thoughts come and go and I remain throughout them all, so I can't be any thought. I am not the incessant mental chatter but rather, I am that which observes those things and exists prior to them. With this, it put space between me and my mental problems. I then stayed in this place of observing(which, you can never not be that, in truth), and observed my problems arising without judging or analyzing or resisting in anyway. I just let them be, I experienced them fully without pushing or pulling them, and they melted away. Permanently. See, when you fight these issues, you take them to be statements of fact about who you are. And what you resist persists, so by resisting you only shove it back down in to your subconscious mind where it festers and runs your life. The actual reason those thoughts come up is to be healed, and you only interfere with that process when you resist it. It's really that simple. You can't solve bad thoughts with more thoughts; that's a hamster wheel with no end and it can only make it worse. You have to step outside of the field of thought in order to fix these issues, and it's probably easier than that makes it sound. Really all you have to do is observe without getting involved. An "observer thought" is bound to arise with this, but you're also observing that. You may also have thoughts about your desired outcome, and you should also observe those, while being attached to no outcome because such attachment is just another thought. That's it. Observe it all, resist nothing, and let your thoughts and emotions take their natural course. If only somebody had told me this back in 2007. The last 13 years, leading up to 2020, would have been much better for me. Now I feel it's my duty to share this with others.
I was seeing a therapist once a week for over a year and I told her I didn't see a point anymore because my issue was that no one gives a fuck about me. She said "I do." I told her she cares because I pay her to care and if I stopped paying her she would stop caring. She just got a sad look on her face and then looked down. I stopped going to her and never heard from her again.
Oh yeah. That's happened to me several times. tbh going to a counselor is good to a point. If they work with you on things that affected your mental health and how they affect different areas of your life, that's a good thing. But most counselors do NOT do that.
@@vivalamew She literally said she cared and got silent when called out on it. Lying is second nature to these scamsters. Therapy is filled with narcissists and holier than thou people who love to manipulate their patients to squeeze them as much as they can.
That is sad. It is possible to care about people within the finite boundaries of a therapeutic relationship. I would do this work for free if that were somehow sustainable, but I have to also take care of myself and I need to be able to pay my bills to be available to provide my caring to people in need. The limited nature of the relationship is what makes it possible to hold the heaviest stuff, which is a often too heavy for ordinary relationships, in which they are supposed to also be getting something from you. We take money so that we can sustain these one sided relationships. It’s way more complicated to get help from someone whose feelings you also need to care about because they might have their own reactions to what you’re talking about. I get paid to keep my own shit in check and provide a safe space in which I will not need reciprocation.
I've run into this problem, too. Years and years of therapy, and I just feel like talking about my problems makes me feel worse with little takeaway to make any of it feel better other than basic advice I could think of myself. Plus since I'm young, I keep getting assigned young therapists who leave for better jobs within weeks, leaving me at square one all over again. I stopped going because I just can't deal with investing in a person who's supposed to help me, see them only once a week to bare my soul to the detriment of my mental health (re-living stuff) only for them to leave next month. Luckily I am in an okay place right now thanks to an AMAZING meds guy, but this was killing me for most of my life. It's very interesting to hear the evasive answers are on purpose.
I've had a counsellor tell me before that it is completely acceptable to drop a therapist to find someone else you feel is helpful. Just like with friends, if you don't vibe with someone, you don't vibe with them - sometimes no matter how hard you want it to work.
I had to do that exact same thing. The therapist wasn't even mad. She knew me well enough by then to know what I was looking for and referred me to someone more compatible in the same building. If a therapist gets upset with you for switching there's probably a boundary issue.
Humility in a therapist is key. I was so pissed after my first visit with my current therapist because after one chat he'd made the decision I should leave my partner (which given how little info he had made sense). I was angry he'd make such a quick judgement with so little info, though, and seriously considered walking away then. But I've got a personal rule: you should try new things twice (not once)...so I did. First thing he did when I got to my next appointment was apologize. As soon as he said "I'm sorry. That was hasty and I will try to do better in the future" I knew he was a great therapist. Now we work together. I know when he offers advice or an opinion, he's really listened and is really trying. Seriously. Having a therapist recognize they make mistakes and are willing to own up to it is an amazing thing. Don't dodge. Do your best and own up if it doesn't work. Go back to the drawing table and work together.
This is one of the things that's really frustrating about struggling with depression/anxiety/mental health issues. People shove you toward a therapist because they think that it'll be a *solution*. But no therapist has ever told me that I'll be fixed or that they can make me better, in fact they've told me the opposite. While I appreciate other's concern, I hate that I feel an obligation to not experience depression/anxiety in order to ease their worries or their feeling that they aren't helping me enough. I get tired of just talking things out because I can do that with anyone - I'm super aware of everything that makes me feel the way I do, so I don't need to dig stuff out. But I just end up feeling bad, I end up just down and droopy or anxious, and there's nothing I can do except my best to get through the day, and everyone freaks out and is like "see a counselor! see a therapist!" and then I go out of obligation and when everyone notices I'm not "fixed" or "better" they think the problem is ME. That I'm not trying, not working hard enough, not asking for solutions from the therapist, or just GIVING UP, or DRIFTING THROUGH LIFE. Therapists aren't a solution, like you've revealed. Therapy is meant to help you understand what's going on, get to the root, so you can take strides to overcoming something. I hate that people don't realize that depression isn't just something you can put a bandaid on then be all better. It's a thing you experience and I wish people would just let me experience it because I'm trying really hard to just give myself permission to have depression and be depressed while still trying to get through the day. I can't help it. It's not that I'm not trying. It's out of my control.
@Shimmy Shai This is a good point, there isn't enough of the proper way to treat people going around. There are a couple things. Some things do depend on the person, and if you know them well enough hopefully there will be some ways you can pick up on to be there for them. The best thing to do, in my experience, is be as absolutely understanding as you can possibly be. Be accepting. Depressed people, including me, go down a terrible hole if we're hearing stuff like "you shouldn't be this way, you're not trying hard enough, you should be doing this, you should be doing that, etc etc"... Don't ever tell them what they should or shouldn't be doing, because if they had the ability, _they would do it_ . So allow them to be where they are. Just sit with them, be with them, let them know there's nothing wrong with being stuck someplace darker, but remind them it's not forever. All passes away, the happy things and the hard things. So the better things will come; suggest that it helps to wait it out, that sometimes you really do just have to sit in where you are, sit in the storm, before it passes. Trying to stop it makes it worse. On top of that, if you can, try to find little things you know will brighten them up. Add to their pile of good things. If you draw, draw something they'll like. Get a little gift for them. If their love language is physical touch, make sure to accommodate. Hugs, a touch on the shoulder, etc. If they're asking you for help to get out of it, however, and they're hating on themselves, try to be there for them in the healthiest way you can, don't push them away, but you can suggest maybe little things like here why dont we have a treat yourself day, or do you need to talk through something, etc; but I think at that point you can also gently redirect them, maybe to a therapist, maybe a therapy video, because clinging to you ultimately is not in their best interest (though don't discourage it necessarily, just be there how you can.) But that's also a more particular instance. EDIT: I would actually say, no, let them cling to you for a bit, because they really need someone at that time and the last thing they need to hear is that you thing there's something weird with the way they are. So let them cling, but don't let them become co-dependent; pay them due attention, but don't compromise what is good and healthy if they ask for something that is not. Let them love you and need to be loved, but allow a boundary to remain there. And also, very important, make sure to drill in the fact that you believe in them. Don't say, "you can overcome this, you're strong" because sometimes they're so low that maybe they don't want to be anymore. But try to get it across that you think they're amazing and capable and will be able to do anything one day, that they're worthwhile and good and enjoyable as a presence, and they're lovely and valuable. This is what I can say at least. It probably isn't perfect but I think these are things I would find helpful the most.
This is so true. I hear this a lot where people say to get therapy and everything else except a therapist isn't going to help you but at the same time, when I saw people who really were on the verge of killing themselves, they never got help from any therapist. Like I get that therapists just want to sit there and listen but if someone who really needs it struggles to even adress the problem and just desperately needs help, they won't do anything for the person. At this point I really feel that therapy is just for rich people who just need someone to talk to, not for people who actually desperately need it because I have seen plenty of people who never got truly a help from therapists. So yeah, I agree with you. At this point I don't think it matters if the person has a licence or does things like they should, but as long as they can help someone, that's all that matters.
@@Foogi9000 Well, one thing I like to think is that, if the meaning of life was written on the sky for everyone to look up at and find out as soon as they were old enough to understand it, how boring would life be? I do think there is a "real answer" but it's one you must seek for yourself, because if it was just handed to you, you would think it worthless and throw it away. If you win it through blood, sweat, and tears, then you'll appreciate it and never let it go. That's just our nature.
For real, or, just focus on one thing and run with it. Nobody has meaning if you think about it, but we give them meaning so if we give them meaning then people also give us meaning. It just depends fam.
@@keepinmahprivacy9754 I have heard this viewpoint before, but honestly to me, that makes little sense beyond the platitude. Imagine anything else as the subject and you will likely see why. Perhaps someone wants to learn to play the guitar. So they tell you that they don't want to look up the chords or find songs to practice playing because knowing the chords and music would make it boring. Instead, they want to simply strum randomly until potentially they accidentally form a note that sounds remotely pleasing to the ear over and over. Does that sound reasonable? Or does that sound like a recipe for absolute frustration? One can know what to do without taking away the fun of practicing, growing in skill, and even improvising on the core skills after some level of mastery. If life had a purpose, knowing what it was would not diminish the effort and journey in fulfilling that purpose. Of course, there is no purpose. The only purpose is what an individual decides it to be, but again, making that decision does not diminish the journey or excitement or joy of pursuing whatever that ends up being for an individual.
@@shawn4110 Well, "purpose" and "meaning" are a bit different, since we can imagine having a meaningful purpose or a meaningless purpose, so they are distinct ideas. But to address your argument, you can't just replace "meaning" with "any other subject", because meaning is a quite unique subject, unlike something as mundane as learning a skill, or even more artistic endeavors. So it's a category error and I don't think basing an argument on that kind of error will really tell us anything at all. Now, you could be right that life wouldn't be boring or diminished if we all knew what the meaning of it was, but since we're not in that situation, we can only speculate. No matter what you speculate, since we're not likely to ever live in that world, then there's no way to know with much certainty. However, not being in such a world doesn't necessarily mean we are in a world without meaning either, since there remains the third possibility that we are in a world with some pre-existing meaning, and just don't begin life with knowledge of it. Unless you can discover that pre-existing meaning, I don't see how you could tell the difference between one world and the other. Even if you spent your whole life searching for it and didn't find it, it could always be that it was just sitting there under the one stone you didn't have enough time to turn over.
Talking to his patients and building a rapport is what I think. The whole "remain completely neutral" way is total garbage if you ask me, the patient just sees you as a brick wall then. Talk to them and get to know them, all a lot of patients want is to just have someone friendly to talk to, not to spend hundreds of dollars on self reflection. I say this as a patient
DBT helped me a lot. I'm Autistic and ADHD, and dealing with CPTSD from abuse, and the focus on actual strategies, tracking mood/sleep/general welfare, and coping mechanisms really helped me. It was like having a college course. There was even homework. I hope this person can find a therapist that can help them. IDK if DBT would help this person like it did me, but maybe it might.
Huh… I’m reading up on DBT and I actually think this is what my therapist was doing without naming it… those things definitely helped me as well as someone with ADHD and CPTSD as well.
"I don't know what you are doing, but I like it, and I want you to get help doing it better" might be one of the best *human* things I've heard in awhile. I work in the emergency room. I have worked there for nearly 6 years, non-clinical and then as a technician. Before I did I was terrified of accidently hurting someone, or the liability, now I am getting ready to go back to school for my RN. I feel a great deal of people feel hollow and directionless because they haven't gotten to see and experience different aspects of life. Most things I have a passion for are things I was initially terrified of even approaching doing. I was terrified of healthcare then I got to see someone bring relief to someone and I was instantly hooked. I was afraid of dressing complex wounds and splinting but after really giving it a try, and becoming proficient and seeing how much of a difference it makes I'd love to get a gig in urgent care patching people up. I really feel like people either don't have to opportunity or fear to truly broaden their horizons. The world and humanity is such a broad, expansive, and beautiful mess that it is hard for me to believe that there isn't something that could help nearly anyone feel fulfilled in a meaningful way. Just my thoughts, have a beautiful day!
Sounds like the general way therapists are trained would have driven me closer to the edge if I had gotten over myself and went. That would have been SO frustrating. Thank goodness family and friends were around to help me through.
My CBT therapist (who was a student using me for her coursework) told me to go and do the things I was struggling to keep up with, cleaning, coursework etc and said that would improve my mental health issues-which was anxiety and depression about my dad being diagnosed with cancer and fears/indecision about careers that had started to affect my ability to function. She knew all this and just told me to straight up "just go do the stuff and review next week". Quit after 4 sessions when she said we'd just keep doing the same thing.
Every encounter I've had with a therapist/counselor/psychologist/psychiatrist has been horrible. They used to lie to me as a child, because they thought my answers would help them in court. Then I had one who told me my entire life wasn't real, everything I felt was a lie, and that I had multiple personality disorder. Knowing what MPD is, and combining that with my background, I had a breakdown for over a decade -- I literally had other licensed shrinks telling me the guy was an idiot. But I wouldn't go around other people. I frankly hated everyone. After much research, I've come to the conclusion that, though psychology can help some people, it's not based in science -- not entirely. There's no way to prove what's going on inside another person's head. The field is largely reliant on intuition, and reading several cases of people who'd been committed against their wills, and then released, or the numerous cases of people who had forced lobotomies, I came to the conclusion that though the field provides a service to the world, it's not as scientific as most people believe it to be. The DSM -- for example -- says it's not even authoritative enough to be used in court. I literally had to pull myself up out of my problems, because I didn't trust shrinks. It took 10 years. I'm sorry, I know where this guy is coming from. Some therapists do more harm than good, and therapy -- as a field -- has been this way since it first started. Lobotomies. . . Electric shock. . . People being committed, and later being found to have nothing wrong with them. There's a reason courtrooms no longer take the word of therapists. You can usually find one who'll say whatever the heck you want them to say. And because you can't x-ray the mind, there's no proof one way or the other. The entire thing is a mismatch of power dynamics, where you're in a room with an "expert" and you're the idiot. Combine that with fear, guilt, technical jargon, and you start to believe what they say, simply due to suggestibility alone. If therapy helps you, go for it, but being pushed to continue therapy when your therapist is in over their heads is detrimental to your health. Therapy isn't an empirical science. It's what's known as a "soft science." It's intuition based, not entirely logic based. Which means the answers you get aren't always true. They're suggestions of what might be true.
"I had a breakdown for over a decade -- I literally had other licensed shrinks telling me the guy was an idiot. But I wouldn't go around other people. I frankly hated everyone." I've been here. And thought I was alone. Dude started yelling in my face and when I phoned him up post-session to ask whether he was coming to attack me he said he would get back to me on that. Ofcourse he never did initiate repair. He did end up actually getting a degree in Analytical Psychology later on. I hadn't really checked his credentials before. I ultimately had to undo this "session" with a whopping two sessions of MDMA-therapy where my nervous system had to shake it all off rather violently. Which is a lot... two full sessions of successful MDMA-therapy generally equals the processing of the shock of a typical single-occurrence rape.
I've had experiences with therapy that ranged from neutral to extremely negative. Watching this video basically confirmed to me that, even if I should ever be able to afford it again, my chances of finding a therapist that will actually be able to help me are slim to none. I kind of already knew that, but this drove the nail into the coffin.
I started looking specifically for therapists trained in ACT and that was really so extraordinarily helpful for me. I found one therapist that i lucked into who is just so good at actually helping with advice and questions and not just being at best like a good friend to vent to - she is going beyond that.
The most fundamental purpose of therapy: transfer wealth from client to therapist. There's no incentive to solve client's problems. There's incentive to make client think that therapy is worth the money.
The things that we recognize that our meanings of stuff and what we consider important will always differ, I can help you reorganize your thoughts to achieve a goal you presented to me, and maybe we could to an original detonant that shaped you from childhood, we can work to resignify an event and build a new meaning from what happened to you, buy i cannot tell you to live by my rules.
I’m so glad that dr. K has taken off so much. Such a fantastic addition to the team of people that entertain and teach us on UA-cam and twitch. Also connects us to our streamers more by making them more relatable and better understood.
Good and important video! I have heard soo many people simply give up on therapy, because the therapists either don't listen to their patient, or they don't help
Can confirm, I've been to more than 15 therapists in my life (I honestly lost count), none of them really helped me. Only one of them had the decency of actually sending me off, as she had clearly no idea what to tell me. And I just gave up tbh.
But they get paid either way so why would they care? I’ve often questioned the morals of taking peoples money to help them with their problems and getting paid whether you help them or not. I’m not talking about all therapists just “bad ones” I guess. But Seriously when it feels like they aren’t even interested in helping you how could someone like that sleep at night? Genuinely unsettling to me.
that really sucks. Some people that just get to be of no help or do more harm than good for people in need of help and just get paid for it. Just sucks. Idk why i’m here, i’m just some random 12 yr old reading a buncha complex stuff on yt but I am intrigued by ur story
I never had success in therapy. From age 10 to end of 17. I ended up leaving it because after that long I learned exactly what they were doing and could do that myself for myself, but that didn't really help me. I went to therapy because I was sitting at the edge, and I had no way of being okay (what I mean is I didn't have any clue of how to be in a stable position). The only real thing I took from it was to find my own thing that motivated me, to just cope. I'm just about 21 now and still struggle incredibly. It's rough, but I've grabbed onto something where I can just cope and be somewhat okay. I still approach that edge a lot and it's always in my vision but I always step back. Not for me, for those I love who'd be devastated to watch me go and knowing I thought about them to the end. That is traumatic and I know trauma all too well, I can't inflict that on someone else. I do wish I could actually get past it but I don't have a way to do that and I can't just get a way to do that. So my entire life from what I can remember is just passing myself off to someone I care about to make them happy because I can't do it for myself. It's miserable, but it's all I can do. I've tried and tried to no avail and still continue to try. And at this point it's so ingrained into who I am that I don't think I ever will. My formative years filled to the brim with hospitalization, repeated trauma, and just overall shit that kept me so close the edge. For all intensive purposes, I am better but at the same time I'll forever be sitting on that edge. The feeling itself is traumatic in a way, as much as I can talk freely about it. I'm aware of everything I can't fix and that I'm not really controlled by it, it hurts but it always will. I just have to increase that threshold of what it takes to get me over that edge and I might eventually feel somewhat okay in comparison. PTSD and anxiety are a diffetent story though and I struggle with those far more. I don't wake up covered in bruises with a sore throat as often but sometimes I do still wake from a dream because I punched or kicked something. I still see certain situations and clench up. I can talk to people to a degree but not much more than before. I've less periods of being mute but I still get them. It doesn't impact me to the point of missing 400+ school days in high school, but I still panic and freak easily. I don't take being yelled at silently and cry in my room all night, but speaking up causes severe panic attacks where I get ever closer to tearing open my arms. There isn't much *I* can do about it but I manage to stay alive and enjoy the times I get to be happy. I hit a point where therapy doesn't help. I know myself so well, even if solid memories as they are now started at 12. I know every reason for each thing I do and why, I know it to a point where I've only met one or two others who are the same. And I still struggle. I don't know how *others* function, I don't know what options there are. I'm reliant on someone else to care what happens to me and if I ever lost that I would pass. And that sucks to say, but as much as I've been through I still have *Something*
I'm so glad you brought this up and with so much honesty. This is the reason I quit therapy after 15+ years of it. I've been struggling with issues related to my autism, adhd, as well as borderline, OSDD, eating disorders, anxiety and hypersexuality due to trauma. I'm 34 and never been able to work. I just wanna be able to reach a baseline of functionality. Been going to therapy since I was 16, up until a few months ago, and I never felt helped by it. Eventually I started figuring out what I needed to do to improve my life situation, but it most certainly didn't just come to me. I found out through watching coaching and fitness type videos on youtube. UA-camrs like "Alpha M" and Greg Doucette screaming at their cameras that "try harder, stop making excuses, this is how you set up a plan, etc" was what finally taught me what I need to do to get better. It was always seemingly successful male coaches, or self-proclaimed coaches, with advice aimed at men. I'm female but this made me realize why therapy never worked for me. It assumed something about me I could never relate to. I don't wanna say I'm "not like other girls" but for whatever reasons I just function mentally more similar to that of the average guy. Venting about my feelings is just not helpful for me. That just makes me feel worse about my situation. I'm solution-focused. That said I absolutely don't think therapy in itself is useless or a bad thing. I've read up a bunch on various psychiatric theories that help me analyze my issues, gain a better understanding of them and find solutions through that. For example I've done a lot of shadow work by myself, ie some of Carl Jung's old theories. I've done what's essentially exposure therapy on myself, I've taken aspects of DBT, and so on. Also I think a lot of therapists would agree that getting healthy habits with diet, exercise, sleep, etc does generally have a positive impact on one's mental health. Also I totally understand that therapy does work for some people and that's great. It's just that for myself I don't think it does. But most importantly, me saying that therapy doesn't work for me does NOT mean I think I'm a hopeless case. A difficult one, absolutely, as I've a bunch of comorbity and complex trauma issues, but I've a lot of confidence that I can find ways to live a happy, healthy life despite all that. I think all I really need to do is establish those healthy routines and balance between hard work and escapism, practice socializing, plus properly process my past trauma, all of which I've currently been in the process of working on for the past 5-6 years. I'm also coming off a medication for my moodswings that I've been on for 10 years, despite still having issues with my anger, because suppressing my true feelings is not ever going to help me actually find healthy ways to channel them. I still got a long way to go though, so I'm often told that I "should get therapy" and people get concerned when I reject that idea, knowing I'm capable enough of essentially being my own therapist. I kinda hate that it's become the assumption that therapy is the one and only solution to mental health issues. Yet I still kinda feel bitter and hold grudges over that therapy can't give me what I need. It sometimes feels like I've been scammed. I can't help that. This perpetuated idea that if I didn't feel helped, I was just going to the wrong therapist, making me just spend even more time and money on something that would never have been worth it for me. I don't feel like most therapists are being honest about what they actually can and can't do, or will and won't do. That's what pisses me off, I think. Not what the therapy profession is really all about, but the dishonesty and deceit. If I'm paying for a service or professional help, I should have a right to know what I'm really buying, no?
Therapy still helped you. It made you realize it doesn't work for you and it pushed you to look for alternatives which you have seemed to find. Well in 15 years of Therapy I think you have had all the right to knock aggressively on the table and assert that this shit is not working let's just try something else . I am an aspiring therapist by the way...if you were my client I would have appreciated were I to receive that kind of feedback from you 😅
Therapy is kind of like having a personal trainer. I can show you what exercises to do and guide you through them, but you have to be the one to do the work. I can't make your muscles stronger, but I can show you how you can work on that for yourself. For instance, in the case of ACT, I can tell you what acceptance is and how it can apply to things you can't change, but I can't turn on any "acceptance" switch in your head. I can show you the importance of identifying and committing to valued behavior, but I can't tell you what your values are. Sometimes people seem to come to therapy expecting to have their minds blown by some revealed mystery of the universe. But sometimes you might already know what you need to know and you might not have to "learn" something per se, but maybe you need help with implementing the things you know and maintaining those positive behaviors even in adversity. Simply knowing what you need to do doesn't make anything change, but actually doing it does. Simply knowing that you need to exercise and diet won't make you lose weight, but doing it every day might. So, knowing the importance of mindfulness and active behaviors doesn't make you less depressed, but practicing those things every day might. I try to help clients come to their own conclusions of what's right for them. But, if there's an option I think could maybe be helpful but it hasn't occurred to them, I might ask them if they've considered it. But I won't tell them, "Do this." It's not my place to give commands, but I help them figure out what's best for them
Thank you. Lots of commenters here devaluing or not understanding the collaborative process or the unique relationship developed within the boundaries of a therapeutic relationship. So many of these complaints have to do with poor fit between therapist and client. Of course, not everyone is a good candidate for therapy or they may be precontemplative so early stages of therapy are relationship building at best. If you don’t feel like you could develop trust with your therapist, find a different one. And if you’re unwilling to commit to changing your behavior, therapy is not going to help.
@@smurfrise I completely agree with the both of you. People going to therapy should not be expecting to gain instant results or directions to their problems. Therapists can only give general advice as it is not professional to be too intimate with their clients, nor will it be good for the client's sake. Third parties can see everything, and that is the role that a therapist must continue to abide by. They are more truthful and blunt compared to personal relationships, as said people in personal relationships may abstain from harsh critiques to avoid hurting the client's feelings. I see many commenters claiming that therapy does not work as the therapist is not willing to help. More than 'not willing to help', it is more of 'this is the most they can help with'. I believe that most of these commenters require more personal help than a therapist's, like friends and family, or coaches. But the most important thing is to talk to themselves and figure out what is wrong, and try whatever that may be beneficial to their mental health. It is a harsh truth, but no therapist nor friend can help them if they cannot look within themselves and be willing to accept reality.
I am glad to find someone who had such a clear understanding of what the therapeutic process is more like! I am starting to get the impression that, despite how much better informed people are nowadays in regards to mental health, there is still a significant amount of prevalent myths regarding psychological therapy. And what happens when quite a few of the people who hear these myths go to see the therapy for themselves (especially when it's with a bad therapist)? Disappointment, which then they speak to others about and inadvertently perpetuate the lack of understanding regarding psychological therapy. At least...that's how I see it. Maybe we need better general explanation of what the therapeutic process entails and how it differs from "talking with a friend" or "venting to my barber/bartender". It's...only getting more frustrating and disheartening to see and hear as the years go by.
When all your patient needs to be motivated to commit to daily practice of what they know is best, is a command from you... but you refuse because it "is not your place" and you want to avoid responsibility.
Well, there is of course, "Solution Focused Brief Therapy" (SFBT) which does take an "answers" approach, still allowing room for a patient's individuality - with over 70 empirical studies on its effectiveness. It's not for everyone, but therapy (and the therapist) needs to match the patient's needs.
One of the first experiences I had with therapy was the therapist telling me "I can't help you if you can't help yourself" and I mentally I was like "if I could help myself I wouldn't be here" and every chance at building rapport was destroyed right then and there.
been to a psychologist and a psychiatrist, they both told me that i have to help myself. it is somewhat valid but when i dont even want to get up from bed, or sometimes eat, move, breathe, talk, study, go outside, i would expect somebody who has a degree in this kinda stuff to do something more than just tell me to go outside, or get new hobbies, or whatever. i respect therapists since they have a lot of shit to deal with but the whole situation is just... discouraging.
Other than prescribing you medicine what could they really do to stop your depression? Their point is that they can tell you what you need to do, but you need to do it.
@@GEM4sta yeah that is absolutely fair. after all, you are... yourself, and you have to work on improving, no one else can do it for you.
@@zeaxanthinepoxidase But they could at least say, "Maybe you aren't getting out of bed for one of these treatable reasons." The worst response to "I can't" is "Do it anyway" without a "here's how."
I've been in the same position, kind of like the guy in the video as well where I mentally had a list of what problems I wanted to have fixed. I was pretty frustrated not getting them immediately fixed just by attending appointments. But ultimately, depression is something that comes from yourself. Therapists aren't able to fix it, they're there to help you get to that point.
It's likely that things that you have around you is counting towards your depression (i.e. listening to sad music. Looking at sad instagram posts, etc.) so when they say you have to 'help yourself' they mean that you should try and avoid doing those activities. It's ok if you end up not being able to stop doing them a bunch of times.
You might also have some insecurities (i.e. social anxiety, not knowing how to live like a normal person). For that you can do little things at a time, like looking at people in the eyes, smiling at them, initiate a conversation (just say hello), go out and do some window shopping. Might seem hard but with everything it gets easier with time.
Sometimes it's not exactly therapy that you need. You crave a mentor who will give you direction and understanding. Someone who has been plunged through the same problems and came out at the top. You want a fresh perspective from a person similar to you, which just knows better.
like the guy from BullDogMindset or David Goggins, you gotta suffer through your pain to come out on top, thats basically their message. And if you feel like you've suffered enough, they got bad news for ya, you gotta suffer a whole lot more
And then you end up being happy? man its tough
So like a parent?
EXACTLY! So many damaged and hurt people go to therapy thinking "This person will give me all the answers and tell me what to do" that's not their job. That can't be their job either because they don't even know you
yess! i need my own uncle Iroh
@@TrizzyB47 not everyone is fortunate enough to have parents that can help them like this
I had a therapist one time tell me I was the most negative person they'd ever met, cancel all future sessions, and hang up on me mid-sentence. Really nice.
That’s awful...I had 2 therapists leave the counseling service where I went. One left without talking to me. Then her fill in left 6 months later & said “good luck”. I have enough trust issues; they left me high & dry as far as I’m concerned.
What... The actual... Fuck...
Holy shit. Idc why they'd want to leave, that's rude af, ngl.
Reminds me of that tik tok therapist who said to not "trauma dump"
@@ExtraThiccc what the f- “tik tok therapist” say no more
I want to see two therapists trying to give each other therapy now.
"How can you help me?"
"How do you think I can help you?"
"How do you think I think you can help me?
And so on
so basically Siri and Alexa.
Honestly i would just love to see a patient be like that. reflecting their bullshit right back at them
Well actually, therapists that specialise in counselling other therapists totally exist.
Sounds like you're parroting what cartoons portray therapists as
@@Imbalanxd Have you watched the video, and do you understand what "generalizing" is?
it literally took me 30 years to find the right therapist, but when I did, it took me less than 3 months to deal with 80% of my Complex PTSD. I had to read the fucking books by myself, diagnose myself out of all those wrong diagnostics (from depression to bipolar disorder and tens of medications that did nothing except making me sick). I'm not against therapy by a long shot but the current model is clearly disfunctional and inneficient.
What is your therapist’s name if I may ask?
@@jamien.5528 I had a few working in tandem but the names wouldn't help you much as they are in the Public system in Quebec where you get therapists assigned randomly. I won't say their names as I feel like I would have to ask their permission and I'm not in contact with them anymore.
Healing by medicine is a design for faulty machines. It makes sense, given the situation. However, to heal people beyond what technology can offer. One must always write down the details even if it seems irrelevant to the situation. But the road can be dark and not many people can handle the path. Well... I am being objective about it, but sometimes, even when the answers are in your hands. One still stands before the abyssal tower. Regardless, every fate is different and every destiny is woven in time... Yes... Time is the equaliser for the human mind. Internal or external; controllable or volatile; every machine requires its own parts to function. In the end... Sometimes people must live with their faulty body. Sometimes the solution is as simple as nature. Sometimes the only path is the abyss. The choice is only for the individual or for the slayer. Hopefully, such a choice can be made by one's hand alone. There is no fault. There is no sorrow. Only acceptance for the machines of Earth... Or at least, I know it as such.
Being earnest and being considerate toward yourself, is all anyone needs to start from. As for the future, I'll leave it up those who still exist.
May all things last for a time. Then another shall take its place. Until the final Fate arrives... Harbinger of the End... My final creation.
Same here but with BPD, panic disorder, GAD, and depression. For the first few years I pretty much just got told I have mild anxiety or depression, and an "ah those hormones, dont worry when you're older itll get better, you'll be fine" meanwhile I spent every single day thinking about how I could end it to escape from the pain. Not to say people should just self-diagnose themselves with whatever, but I dont think I could have gotten a bpd diagnosis without actually looking into it. Like, who actually tells you splitting, impulsive behaviors, efforts to avoid abandonment or distorted self image are parts of a mental illness, I just thought I was a broken person that can't be helped because no one took me seriously
This is real....I gave up and eventually researched and found things out by myself
I went to a school therapist once who was also a teacher in our school. I had a hard time with my parents, school work and classmates. It was the best 40 minutes of therapy I’ve ever received. She listened at first, then took a piece of paper and described what I should do in relation to those things. Like, it was a mess in my head and she made those things straight. She told me interesting things about friendship, and asked if I had any dreams, and if not, I should. She also was the first person who told me that my nervous system needs extra care and suggested ways to do that, and gave practical advice about workload. Because I missed so many classes our principal held a meeting about my expulsion, and she was there also. But because my grades were still high they let me stay. 1,5 years later I graduated from the top math school of our town with top grades. She checked on me once and said that I really looked different, confident and happy. This experience never repeated in my adult life, however. I guess I was lucky in my school years and my problems were less complicated.
Sometimes I think any advice is helpful, even if it's not the best possible. We look for someone to give us an answer for how to fix our lives, not just someone to hear our problems. I think it's why so many people turn to religion to solve mental health issues, because any answer, even a wrong one, helps their problems.
@@stoopidapples1596 mfs when they literally take the message of that one witch docter song LITERALLY
that's exactly what im looking for, not a cure all, or fix all my problems, just someone who can help me turn all the squiggles and messes in my head into something more easy to read and understand.
it's so hard to understand the big picture of what is actually wrong when it feels like everything is wrong, as soon as i start to talk about one problem, a million other ones pop into my head and i lose all sense of direction and end up with "i just dont want to deal with this anymore"
👍👍👍
When you're very young, your brain is also very plastic and can change a lot more easily than once it consolidates at about 25 and then becomes more and more ossified after that. Once you've been repeating the same patterns for 30 years, it gets very hard to change without powerful modern or resurrected - psychedelics - interventions.
And what do psychedelics do? One of their biggest properties is that they can return the brain to the plastic state of a child's. Seriously.
I had a therapist say to me once, regarding a very difficult problem, "I can help you with that. I'm very good at this and I know I can help you." Let me tell you how much of a relief that was. Just hearing her say that she could help was almost enough. I really believed in her and she believed in me that was a turning point in therapy for me.
If you don't mind saying, did things turned out well with that therapist treating you?
yeah if you're okay talking about it i'd also like to hear if it worked out in the end (it seems that it did)
“I’m very good at this” I personally would’ve nope’d the fuck out of there after hearing that but to each their own 🤷♀️ Glad it helped you. But for me it wouldn’t have gone so well lol
@@3005511 If you don't mind sharing, what is it about that statement that would have screamed "Red Flag!" for you?
@@TheDJman248 The statement can be read to imply pridefulness and lack of humility.
-Hey Bob, we need your input. How do you think you can help us with our new business project?
-Well, how do you think I can help you with our new business project?
-Bob, you're fired.
To be fair, should Bob be expected to know everything about someone else's brand new business project, and instantly come up with a way to support or improve on it? I think that asking the person who is in charge of the project and/or conceived it what they think the best course of action is would be the best move, for the project as a whole.
@@evanhuizenga8626 was going to say the same thing lmao
-Hey Bob, we need your input. How do you think you can help us with our new business project?
-Well, what *is* your new business project?
-I dunno, Bob, we thought you could help us figure that out?
Bob: Visible confusion.
@@evanhuizenga8626 As a software dev, yes, I'm expected to do this every single day.
@@evanhuizenga8626 he could ask for more info tho
My last therapist kept telling me "I can't tell you what to do" whenever I asked her anything. I wasn't asking for direction, I was asking if I was using flawed logic, as that's an issue for me. But I couldn't get an answer. And I left each session feeling like my brain was in a blender.
Do you mind telling me what the question was?
@@iqbalindaryono8984doesnt matter what you ask them you wont get an answer. You could ask them what colour you Shirt has and they wouldnt tell you.
@pixiewixiechu sounds like you need a new therapist
@@Seerzors I've had plenty of them. They all just wanna sit in a room while you talk yourself better. A whole decade with a least a dozen therapists later, nothing is better. But to be clear, that's for my specific case. I'm not anti-therapy.
@@pixiewixiechu yeah coaching is better than therapy, but why doesn't anyone talk about the elephants in the room "The American dream", "pull yourself up by your bootstraps", 2/3 of STEM graduates don't get jobs in STEM, etc...
I remember my mom made me do therapy and it was the biggest waste of time. The therapist asked if I had ever done drugs and I told her I smoked weed once like 4 months prior to talking to her, and so every time I talked to her she just blamed all my problem on weed. Even though I told her I had symptoms way before I ever smoked. And I literally smoked once in my entire life. 4 MONTHS AGO
Bruh
Ugh, I understand you. My first therapist was awful and kept trying to insinuate that my problems were from doing illicit drugs... that I never did. I drink and smoke weed, but apparently, this guy only saw me as an addict to an illicit substance.
The other two therapists Ive been to were very helpful though. Ive learned that bad therapists try to tell you the problem, and good ones help you tell yourself the problem. You telling yourself what is wrong is a lot more powerful than someone telling you... especially if theyre wrong, lol. Dont just try one therapist. Not every patient-therapist relation-ship floats.
was the opposite for me. i would always tell my therapist i never had a problem with weed and he would eventually just move on but i had a clear problem with weed leading to many other problems
i couldn't be more thankful that my therapist and doctor don't give a fuck. they tell me the actual repercussions of withdrawal like phlegm in the lungs, decreased stamina, loss of appetite, insomnia, mood swings, depression, etc. if its not the cause of the problem your therapist shouldn't care.
There are bad therapists out there with that kind of reefer madness mindset.
All the ones i went to however, were actually people who were living in the same reality i did. We openly talked about my daily use of weed and how it affects me. In the end, we all came to the conclusion that it has an effect on me, but it's definitely not the core of my issues.
"Just get better RNG in your lootboxes noob" coming from a therapist is such a poggers moment
14:02 for the rewatches
thats horrible not poggers
@@redbruhcolli But did you listen to what he said before? It was obviously sarcasm
What a beautiful comparison
Just roll better genes. (No pity)
I'm starting to realize that I got really lucky when I found my therapist. She was amazing, nudged me when I needed nudging, called me on my BS, but at the same time realized that my dancing around subjects and avoiding talking about certain things gave valuable clues as to why I was avoiding them. She was fantastic and I know that she'll have my back if I have any serious issues to work through in the future.
Can you tell me where can i contact her
is she under a specific company? is she in singapore? do tell what her company name is
that’s awesome
you should marry her
“What do you think would make you happy?” Having someone help me figure out how to be happy would make me happy
Well, that’s a start!
If the answer is "I don't know" that isn't on the therapist. It's not their role to figure that out for you
There's a reason the saying "happiness comes from within" exists. You have to figure out yourself what happiness means to you and how to feel it, nobody else can figure that out for you.
@barnoftheyard Curious though, what did weed do for you in the context of achieving happiness?
@@danielpiche2346 yup and being down sometimes is fine, because only if you've been down, you can figure out what brings you up right and happy again. What people suggest are the things that they think it might work, because it worked for them. Some advices might work for you and some not too. Happiness or generally speaking, feelings, aren't something that's objective. It's all up to the lens of the person viewing the world.
The kind of supervisor Dr K had is the teacher everybody wants
I wish everyone had great teachers 😪
Wait until Gen Z becomes teachers 😆
@@tae912 "Okay class, we're going to do attendance now. Please respond with 'SHEEEEEEEESH' if you're present."
@@OItsjustzach omg hahahahaha
You’re the kinda beauty everybody wants 😉
My main issue with therapy is that I already know what I have (depression, general anxiety, ptsd, social anxiety, etc) and can pinpoint times in my life where they likely would’ve stemmed from. I just want to know how get better at dealing with them. It truly seems like no one, not even professionals, know what to do. And like this Redditor, after trying to get better for 7 years and getting nowhere… I just wanna quit now
I got my degree in mental health, but didn't end up going into therapy as a profession because even after all that study, I felt like I didn't have the first clue what I was doing, or how the process would help people. Reading the comments on this video, it sounds like I would have been in good company lol
You probably need an specific type of treatment, maybe a cognitive one, cause the problems your roughly describing are the ones that need a mental and behavioral transformation... Maybe you could search for an selfhelp book or video, to see what works for you, if you can't find a therapist who you can go in this moment. But yes, your problems have a solution and there are professionals who know how to help you.
@@xxProjectJxx are you me? that’s exactly where i’m at now and i don’t know where to go from here.
I feel ya. My therapist HAS helped me a lot in these regards. The practice in sessions are what helped me internalize stuff the most but the biggest thing that helped me is practicing feeling and naming my emotions, and allowing them to pass though me rather than stuffing them down. But my combo is definitely different from yours, I have CPTSD and ADHD.
@@mariabustossalazar197 CBT actually helped me a lot. But there’s also DBT (dialectical behavioural therapy) and trauma therapies like EMDR.
Great thing about Dr K is that he is actually trying to come up with solutions and not just showing empathy
My case when i go to therapist is when they ask me questions i say everything is fine with me and i never see them again i always do that...
@@Fidelio42 same lol
That's really smart and not a waste of time at all...
That’s the difference between people who become therapists and people who just say it be like that
"Showing empathy" - That mostly feels like an illusion about the system.
This video makes me really sad. I have a friend which refuses therapy after a suicide attempt. He thinks it doesnt help him. Hearing this makes me believe him. Therapy doesnt sound like something a meeting with a friend on a beer cant do 10 times better.
Having somone sit in front of you you're actually paying lots of money to so they can help you and they end up just deflecting questions feels like BS. So who blames them?
its dificult though,
if a person tells you a thing and it turns out to be wrong then youre paying lots off money to have a 50% probability that they will help you and a 50% that that wont work though so i think the best thing would be to experiment and see what works and what doesnt and then come to a conclution in a sciency style
of course just my opinion
@Some Guy Or a healthy society in general.
It can be really liberating and feel safer to open up to someone who isn’t biased or reactive about what you need to explore in yourself though. Having a good support system is of course very helpful, and many people who have a lot of supports and a good sense of community do not need therapy, but the opposite can be true too, where having a very integrated community can make a person feel like they can’t talk about certain things without potentially putting those relationships at risk. Sometimes dark, suicidal thoughts are too heavy for your friends to hold. I’m biased, as this is my calling, but as a therapist I know I can’t help everyone. The main issue is goodness of fit. Just like you’re not going to click into friendship with every person you meet, not every therapist is going to be a good fit. I always tell people to immediately switch if they don’t have a sense of chemistry with any provider, because feeling connected is a huge ingredient to the work being helpful. One more point regarding the video and the comments I’m seeing here, about therapists not providing answers- I like to say, “I have expertise that I bring to the table, but you are the expert on you. The work we do together is a collaboration where we combine our expertise, develop a relationship, and figure out what works for you.” Sometimes people just need to feel heard and understood to be able to process and release pain. Other times they need to learn skills and manage symptoms. Usually, in my experience, both are integrated into the process. But you have to work at it and be committed. If you’re shopping for answers, go to self-help, motivational speakers, or coaches. Therapists can’t do the work for you.
*edited because accidentally posted prematurely.
@@artbookgaming Yeah, it really sucks that it is difficult to find a competent trauma therapist who you also connect with enough to be able to establish a relationship and work through what needs processing. I specialize in identity issues and trauma but I haven’t had the bandwidth to take on many new clients throughout the pandemic. I really wish there were more of me and I could help more people. I wish I knew other therapists who I could confidently say can do that work, but all I can do is commit to the people I work with and trust that there are others, like me, who have what people need. I’ve certainly heard about people having good experiences in therapy, but I’ve also heard a lot of stories about therapists who were unable to handle complex cases like yours. I would say, keep looking because when you do find the right person, someone who does long term and trauma work and you at least feel is truly trying to understand what you are experiencing, it does make a big difference. I’m glad you’ve taught yourself some good coping skills and have already figured out in large part what is going on. You’re way ahead of most and when you’re facing this stuff at your developmental stage, you position yourself well to stabilize and find your way through the pain. I really hope someone shows up for you. One workbook that has a lot of useful exercises is 101 Trauma-Informed Interventions. It’s a therapist workbook, but if you can find someone who is interested in using that in work with you, that might help.
Also, in my experience it often takes a couple years to develop enough trust in the relationship to fully open up - not to say that the work isn’t helpful in the meantime, but for someone to really make progress because CPTSD does such a number on your ability to trust. In many ways, developing trust is the main goal - if you can get there, what you need will organically emerge within that. It’s not easy to find anyone worthy of that type of trust.
I feel like the ENTIRE problem with our society is that there's no one beside us to hug us and tell us "Yeah, _it be like that sometimes,_ look at me 2 years ago, and my mother 5 years ago, and your own cousin last year. This is part of life, but you'll get over it, and I'll be here for you for the rest of my life."
I feel like, in the community-based living style of the olden times, people were happier. NOT better off, but happier. Isolation is destroying us.
If you can, do your best to be this kind of person for someone in your life who needs it. Tell someone going through a rough time the things that you'd want to hear from someone when you're not doing great.
It can help you out, too. It's hard to be objective in your own head when you're not in a great place mentally, but I've personally found my best and most rational voice comes out when I have the opportunity to give reassurance to someone else, and it gives that compassionate, rational voice inside of you power.
@@gonzoGnostalgic That is true, making those those close to you a little happier is very fulfilling.
I feel like we've always known this, as a species, but then we took it for granted and started building skyscrapers.
@@DudeWatIsThis I hear ya. No big fan of skyscrapers myself
it's not even just the isolation. you can't trust a single damned person to keep shit to themselves and I think it's because people see secrets as currency - especially when relationships deteriorate.
Parents - my dad called all his friends telling me I tried to commit suicide when all I did was fall while being stupid. Anything that was personal happening in my life that my mom found out about was spread amongst her friends. so... parents can't be told *anything*.
I told my ex some dark secrets from my past and when I left him, he decided to tell all my friends every thing I told him that he thought would damage me. so... no intimate partners can be told *anything* unless you want that shit spread around when the relationship goes south.
Then friends -- I've had friends who straight up spread what I told them when we were not yet on the outs and others that told the world after the friendship ended. so... no friends can be told *anything*.
That's the only reason I ever saw a therapist is because they are bound by HIPAA to keep their fucking mouths shut.
@@jayes7195 In my case, I go to therapy because no one around me is interested in what I have to say. I have a small company, and my parents, while supportive, get very nervous when I talk with them about my problems.
My wife also gets nervous. And bored. And me seeing her bored and not listening gets me super irritated, and we end up arguing. So I just spare everyone the hassle and just pay someone to listen, and to listen attentively, and give reasonable advice.
How fucking sad is that?
I think being hesitant to give actual informed opinion is a problem in a lot of fields where opinions have irreversible consequences. I'm busy with my masters in economics, and I see a lot of researchers way too scared that their advice may turn out to be wrong to actually make claims. There obviously needs to be some caution, but the world is so unforgiving that careers can be ruined over one wrong move. This ends up making most of the work that they do useless.
Skin in the game, my friend. Nassim Taleb said it best.
We need something like the good sameratin principal but for informed decisions. I think it's better to try and fail then to do nothing at all
I do data science and I encounter this a lot. I give a nuanced answer to a problem, present charts and possible actions. Every single time management comes back wanting an oversimplification that I can’t give. I don’t know the specifics for economics but I would also be cautious of making claims that people will oversimplify and blame me for loss of jobs and shit idk
The field of psychology is very roughly 50% nonsense. That's why psychotherapists can't help people in a targeted manner, because about half of their field is based on worthless research.
Well you've pointed out the problem quite well but there's also another aspect you're missing majorly.
Simply the American law/lawyers, essentially the ability to sue anyone, especially if they think anything you've said or done is advice to anything.
Having to maneuver through a potential minefield like that will change entire industries and shape conventions so people can work around that issue whilst still technically doing there job even if it's not creating as meaningful results.
On my first year in Psychology I had an amazing teacher that talked us about compromise with our clients, and what is our position in the world and where he disagrees with a lot of fundamentals about the more standarized kinds if therapy, he often wen't out of his way, not to guide but to create the best enviorement for his clients so they can express their toughts more freely than just speaking on a boxed room with the therapyst, I remember this case he talked about a very troublesome young boy that refused to talk with him in the two first sessions, so he spoke with the mother of the boy and learned that the kid loved street art, he then called a friend and asked permission to go with the boy and create an art piece on an wall outside of the friends house (the friend in case is also a guy that loves this kind of art, so he agreed) and he went there with the kid and boom the kid actually started to speak and to express what was on his mind and what he as dealing with. I take this story and others he told my class to heart, this is not a profession to be chosen lightly and taking care of the human mind does require to think outside of the box a lot.
I went to therapy once, got told straight to my face that "honey, you're not depressed, just chronically lonely". As if that's any better.
LMAO that's so fucked up
Frankly, I think that’s worse, as it implies that its mu fault and if I could just make friends id be fine but i cant. Doesn't sound much better.
Ok, I feel like that could apply to me. Soooo, what can be done about it, and who CAN help?
I feel so bad for laughing, Jesus Christ, that person should go back to college and try a different major.
My bad, but that’s actually so fucking funny lol.
My experience with (youth) therapy:
Me: I have this problem
Therapist: okay, is there anything you want to talk about
Me: I avoid my problems a lot, which results in my not doing my work
Therapist: choose what to talk about
Me: Talks about random stuff because my entire problem is avoiding my problems and stuff that's causing stress until I can't anymore
Therapist: This was a productive session
Me: *internally screams*
I can see where they're coming from with 'working your way up to it' but no??? I find when you FINALLY get to that point of 'OK I'm ready' you get "OK so I'll see you same time next week?" and you're back at square one. -_-
It's like setting someone to draw a picture of a view from a mountain and they draw fish inside at the sides and that's all they do and all they get is "This was productive".
It WAS but NOT FOR THE RIGHT THING.
Yeah, i had a counselling therapy in uni for about a year. Whenever i get out of the door i feel more angry/upset than i was. After a few sessions, i figured id go to see him figure what my problem was (i mean sometimes i feel depressed and doesnt know why, or if its legit to feel upset over a situation) and then i work on thw problem myself. Picking online worksheets and psych textbook self help from the library.
For example, once i felt fake abt my selfies and hated myself for keeping a smile when i was in such a phase. So i was upset and after seeing him i realise im getting imposter syndrome. So outside of counselling, i myself went to learn abt imposter syndrome and accept the fact im experiencing imposter syndrome.
But disclaimer: what i experienced was just mild stuff. Maybe just burned out in my final year. If youre maybe in a tougher situation you might need to keep finding a therapy(1:1, group, online) thats suitable for you.
@Marieke did you manage to fix it?
@@thatguyshwag I graduated high school somehow despite it still being so bad that I literally didn't manage to study, but that means I'll be in a totally different environment next year and it's hard to say how that will impact it.
LITERALLY !!!!!!
imagine seeing a doctor who doesn't take accountability for what happens to you nor know how to help you AND YOU'RE PAYING FOR IT. This really brings light why people often say therapy is useless because it's like you have a serious illness and they ask /you/ why you have it, tf idk that's why I'm here. I hope there will be more dr k in the world of therapy soon.
I've literally never actually had a mental health expert ask me what I thought the problem was. Usually I explain my issues, they try their one-trick pony solution, it fails miserably, I explain that to them that I can't follow through because of the issue. and then they seemingly just give up and either tell me to my face that they can't help me, or just talk about some random unrelated other stuff like current events, politics, etc. Psychiatrists either just ask me what pills I want to try and just prescribe whatever I ask for, or they tell me to my face they can't help me. I've tried suggesting various things that might be the issue and they just shrug and go "do *you* think that's the problem?" like idk that's why I'm here. It's annoying. Doctors are all horribly incompetent it seems. Can't do their jobs.
It is kinda useless I guess if u have someone to talk to 😢
@@Otome_chan311 I'm sorry you had such terrible experience. Being lucky to get a good psychiatrist seems to play a bit role in getting actual treatments :( you could try emdr therapy or just a very different approach, if you feel like classical therapy didn't work for you. I have mostly suffered from depression and personality disorder that made me isolated, so long term therapy that was focusing on small goals instead of "cure" was helpful. She was almost like a life coach to be tbh and it was great for the issues I had.
That's literally all doctors. Getting any medical condition properly diagnosed is an absolute gauntlet of incompetence and apathy. I can't wait for AI to replace all of these people.
If even therapy can't help me then why the fuck should I even keep trying. I can't be fixed
What you said about solutions being offered is so true. The problem is often the HOW. I literally asked my therapist "okay, you're telling me to do x, but it's incredibly difficult and I can't do it. So, how do I do it? Can you give me advice? What would you do?" and the answer was basically "I don't know, just do it.".
That sounds more like guidance to me than therapy. Outside of friends or family, I don't think you can find any kind of professional who is really prepared to offer guidance on difficult issues.
@@turbovirgin_ You don't understand, what neurodivergent people find difficult is not what's hard for neurotypicals.
@@666Tomato666 This, 100%
@@turbovirgin_ it really begs the question of what the point of therapy is if it can't help people who don't have good family/friend relationships. Like if I had good, meaningful connections with other people I can't imagine what I would need therapy for because I already have loved ones I can be vulnerable with
"So clearly you're sad because you're broke. Go be a millionaire then!"
"...fucking how?"
"Wow, stop overthinking things. No wonder you caused your own poverty. If you wanted to be a millionaire hard enough, you would get it, so just do it."
My school counselor is probably the only reason that I survived high school. I was forced to see three therapists and none of them helped, they just let me talk about my problems without providing any solutions. My school counselor actually gave me so many opportunities and solutions so i could feel better. I will never forget her.
The world is a mixed bag. My high school therapist never helped, and only made high school worse. She had this meme thing on a wall that said "just do it" and that's all she would tell me. She would spend the times she was supposed to meet with me slacking off in the board room and then rushing through the meeting with me with the remaining 5 to 10 minutes she had. She clearly didn't care and I think on top of a lot of negative stuff going on at the time that really made me spiral into a darker place. I will never forgive her.
@@victoryracing7543 This made me cry. Man fuck that "therapist". I really hope you find your way in life my friend. you deserve all you need and want 😢
My school counselor was utterly worthless. All he did was browbeat me into silence. When I once made a statement that came off as "suicidal" (It was not and in middle school.) My homeroom SPED teacher immediately called me out. Sent me to him. I was immediately informed by him that the "threat" I made was grounds to be hospitalized if I "meant" it. Being scared into silence by some middle aged man really makes you resent and mistrust counselors.
Ironic because I later did four years in Psych for a Bachelors. I wanted to help others as well as myself. It fell through though I got the degree. Turns out I needed a Masters for anything.
Board told me that I would "burnout and would be too expensive." Now here I am three jobs later two of which were shitty retail work. Snapping at everyone. Burnt many bridges with friends that no longer want anything to do with me.
Strained family relations where my grandmother keeps trying to get me to go back to school for more education while I try to find a job only to be rejected, ignored, or given such a dead-end position with the lowest amount of pay and no benefits to speak of.
No wonder I am so jaded, depressed, and ultimately misanthropic. He was not the first useless counselor I had, but he made an impression.
Impressive how one bad impression can haunt you for years.
My high school counselor was basically as useless as the letter "g" in lasagna. She was only there for coaching girls basketball team at my high school and would even be gaslighting me of taking extra college classes while at high school (being all like these courses will be super duper hard to do, which I later found out in college was bs and wasn't that hard)
But the sweet irony of it all was that my old high school counselor got into some trouble from texting some of the high school girl basketball players with harassment and right after I graduated, she "left" her position, aka got fired and now my high school has a wayyyy better counselor
From the sounds of it, going to a therapist is like being stuck in a puzzle room and having a person trying to help you over the walkie-talkie. They can hear the problems you're describing, but they can't see them, nor really be there to help.
Meanwhile, if you're with a friend who has endured a similar problem before and you known him for years, then it's like solving a puzzle with a friend.
Problem is, not everybody has such friends in their life. After hitting adulthood and leaving our parents behind, it's very difficult to find people that can actively participate in our problems, unless you form a family of your own (which also depends).
And when your family is part of the problem is like someone is purposefully messing up part of the puzzle you've been fixing by yourself and the best thing the therapist could do is help you reorganize them again but that doesn't stop the person from messing it up or stealing some pieces again (At least that's my experience)
Therapists aren't your friends though, they can help you in ways that friends can't, because sometimes you need a neutral being in your life, that will be there for only to help you, it's not a symbiotic relationship. I needed someone who didn't know me, who didn't have the knowledge of my past to help me in certain ways. I had close friends that helped me in different ways. Everyone's story is so individualistic, and there are many different kinds of therapy, this is very over simplified.
It's literally the opposite for me
Just no. Friends dont haver the technical expertise neither the neutrality to do so
You see that is how people get stuck in life. I also wanted someone who understood my and my story when I wanted to secretly kill myself with pills, because it was a better alternative to being so stressed every day my insides felt liquified.
I got a psychotherapist who I felt meh about because he uses metaphors too much, and goes way too much on the interpretation route, to the point he even asked me "Why do you dislike fish?" "Because, the smell of urine is very distinctive to me and fish has the exact taste I identify piss would have if it was food, that plus combine it with shit. I don't know why but that's the taste I get." and I shit you not he goes "But why does it taste like that?" like I can control what my taste buds feel.
(I also study psychology fyi, I know there's a thing called food preference psych, but he refuses to stop at explaining things with "That's what my senses tell me on the most basic level")
Eventually I just changed perspective and basically mined for good suggestions among things like "You have difficulty sleeping and muscle pains because your lower chakra is imbalanced, try taking care of your garden barefoot to reconnect with nature" and "You live too much in the virtual world, not in the real one, you lack physical and social experiences, you lack proper external problems so your brain creates them" granted, the second one is much better advice and it's true that the brain does that, on the other hand I told the dude I stopped using my computer (For studying animation) 6-8 hours a day whenever I wasn't working 5 months before. So yeah.
The moment I changed perspective into something similar to "My life sucks right now, _insert issue_ is fucking everything up with an 880 on a scale of 1-10, I'll take any 1-10 if it means getting rid of _insert issue_ once and for all." I endured the stupidity in the therapy sessions and got some good advice often enough to help me decide what to do. It was mainly the pain that got me to change perspective but you don't have to go so far.
You should care about the information, the solutions, not who is helping you with what. As long as it works it's good. I mean, in my case anything was better than killing myself.
Therapy really didn’t do anything for me as a child because I was trained to not talk about any of the problems that I had because telling the truth would've landed my dad in prison for drug use and such and I'd likely be taken by the state. On top of that I struggled hard with gender and sexuality and didn't want to be outted because my house would've been dangerous then.
Despite all that I still vividly remember at 13 years old talking to the first therapist I had. The poor like 60-70 year old man tried to grab onto anything but obviously I wasn't giving him anything of substance to help with.
So every time we had a session, he'd started making it a habit of taking me outside to the walking trail behind the building that goes through the woods with a little creek. He took a flower and dropped it down the bridge over the creek into the water and started talking about how the flower has no choice but to keep on moving down the creek because the flow of water gives it no over choice. And we followed the flower in the creek around the trail until it took us back to the opening to walk up to the therapy building. The flower hadn't reached that far yet and we just stood staring at the water flowing, and he went on about how the flower has no choice but to weather on wherever the creek flow takes it, and even if it gets tangled up in debris now it will eventually keep going with the flow of the water. And then the flower shot down the creek shortly after that and he grabbed it and handed it to me. Then he went on about how despite the flower being beat down by the giant flow of fast water, it was still a flower and was still beautiful regardless of what may have happened to it in that creek. He said he wasn't technically allowed to do this, but gave me a massive bear hug and I just started bawling my eyes out.
I kept that flower until it was withered down to dust, even after I had aged out of his practice. He knew nothing about my problems or any way of how to help me, but damn did he try his everloving hardest to show me no matter my experience that there would always be an entire world outside to go to and decompress in, and that no matter the trauma I was still human despite it all. Therapy never necessarily worked for me but those nature walks gave me peace in chaos in a way nothing else could at the time.
That is beautiful, thank you for sharing
Seemed to have a been a very good man! Beautiful story by the way. Thank you for sharing!
A therapist who knows how to help people unable to open up is a real gem.
Absolutely beautiful story. It really is the little things in life, honestly. Everything nowadays is so overblown and grandiose and it's tearing people apart. I'm glad you gained a fantastic memory and found solace within it, keep cherishing it dude, keep fighting.
This made me cry, thanks
None of my therapists understood how to treat trauma. They all have done more harm than good and none of them admitted they didn’t know how to treat trauma. Before starting therapy with my last therapist, I told her that I have an extensive trauma history, I don’t want want to talk about the specific traumas unless I have learned some emotional regulation first. She told me that works for her and she’s looking forward to treating me. After pushing me to talk about my traumas before I was ready, she asked what evidence I have that said traumas occurred and asked if it would be on my medical record. I trusted that she would be sensitive to my needs and she betrayed it, I felt shameful of my traumas and I felt like I had to prove that it happened to me and that it wasn’t my fault. She also broke confidentiality to me about her clients, and also compared my self harm scars to her other clients. I left more traumatized that I came in. I don’t think I’ll ever feel safe enough to go to another therapist.
God bless you sister, and good luck
give us her name. We need to know her to avoid her
What she did goes beyond just being a bad therapist, some of it like breaking confidentiality can legitimately make her lose her licence to practice therapy
@truely Pretty sure, it's both man
❤️
This makes me really really appreciate my CBT therapist. After our initial regular therapy sessions he used to get to know my problems, he came to the session prepared with new material, exercises etc. We talked about what worked in the exercises and what didn't and he kept modifying and handpicking. One of the issues I had was that I'd been gaslit and taken advantage of and he was very quick to "nudge" me in the right direction if I started talking in a way that my own feelings and experience couldn't be trusted. It took 1.5 years, but it's been the greatest transformation of my life. I no longer need therapy and I can't believe how lucky I've been to have had such a good therapist
This sounds exactly like my story, except I'm about 8 months in! I was very lucky to find my therapist on the second try, when I specifically looked for CBT therapists near me.
The internet ruined cbt
@@aeiouaeioujajaja1750 can you elaborate?
@@Inanedata c o c k a n d b a l l t o r t u r e, from Wikipedia, the free encyclopaedia
i am so sorry for laughing, i am glad it helped
When I was diagnosed with PTSD the guy on the phone basically told me "here's the treatment we offer, your condition is known to respond incredibly well to this and I definitely think we can help you, you're going to have to engage with it and that'll be tough but in the end it will help."
It felt like a real turning point. It just made me so much better. It actually made me engage much more with the therapy than I think I would otherwise because it gave me hope.
It helped that the therapist I got assigned to was fucking fantastic, although from what I've heard about other therapists she wasn't very typical (I've only seen the 1, I got lucky).
When I was 16 or 17 I went on this new epilepsy medication. A couple months later I started having depression, anxiety, panic attacks and frequent hallucinations. I had never had a mental health problem before then. I was sent to see FIVE therapists and would have this exact conversation:
"Tell me about your childhood"
"It was fine"
"How is your relationship with your mother"
"Can't complain"
"And your father?"
"Yeah he's cool"
"How are your grades?"
"Until recently quite good"
"Do you have friends"
"Lots of friends"
"So why do YOU think you have these symptoms"
"I have no clue"
None of them asked me about my new medication. It took six months for me to connect the dots, I quit my epilepsy medication and immediately began my journey of feeling better. Six months of being terrorised by my own mind. What a scam.
Ok so you went to a psychologist and are upset they didn't do something they aren't licensed to do (mess with your meds).
@@thepinkestpigglet7529 no actually two of them were psychiatrists that offered me antidepressants and anti anxiety.
I actually did try the anti anxiety but it had an immediate side effect (probably an interaction)
But they didn't even ask me about my physical health! They wanted to know my thoughts and feelings, which is fine, but their tunnel vision failed to help
This is truly disturbing. Many antiepileptic drugs are also used to treat depression or bipolar disorder. It is the most obvious place to start. So sorry you had to go through that.
yep, sounds familiar, have noticed many doctors lack even the most basic critical thinking skills.
@thepinkestpigglet7529F rom what they described, the therapists were not competent enough to identify the issue.
If they did their job wouldn't the the next questions be when did this start, have you started doing anything different? And end up at some point at are you taking illegal drugs and have you changed medications at all?
When the rest didn't work, recommend a psychiatrist about the new medication
I feel like whenever I praise Dr. K or someone else does, it just makes him seem like a cult leader-esque type media personality who has a bunch of desperate people wrapped around his finger, so it makes me almost feel bad for expressing how much I like his whole thing.
But I really do think Dr K. shows a lot of aspects that are both unique and valuable.
Best way to deem if somthing is a clut is to use Steven Hassans bite model
@@itzhen7032 Behavior, Information, Thought, and Emotional control. HGamer definitely has information down. People are free to research on their own but many people probably only watch him. He does have a bit of control over thought since he talks about mental subjects which can influence how people think when they hear him, and the other two much less so, but you could say they could be influenced by the former two. So if you stretch it you *could* say HGamer has all 4 for *some* people, at least a bit.
I don't think its a cult though. Hopefully. I haven't watched much.
Please stop with this cult crap. He's a good Doctor, doing good work for people who're in pain. Good grief!
@SCORPION FIRE I also don't believe it is, but we should still allow the discussion. It's good to reflect ones believes and have them challenged once in a while imo.
@@ScorpionF1RE_USA no one here claimed that he is bad in anyway, how is your reading comprehension?
The problem, as I see it, is that therapists (and all medical personnel really) are trained to treat uniform problems in a uniform way, but mental problems are as complex as the people who have them... there is no one way to help everyone. If you can't break away from uniformity, you will only help people who fall into the right categories of problems/causes that you are trained to treat. Everyone else is left adrift to figure it out themselves or die trying.
As all medicine and treatment does
True.
I went to a therapist and he was 3 Session like waiting for me telling him "my big issue" he thought I was hiding something... I told I wanted to be tested on ADHD. And there is some trouble in my life but not that I hadn't no hope. He tried to put me in boxes like 'drugs', 'abuse', 'abusive boyfriend' and tickt one than another of....
I left after the 4th session, because I really didn't felt understood. Like wtf bro. Do you want me to harm myself?! Chill 😅 I just want to stop procrastinating and have more meaning in my life... but thats mybe to 'normal' and not 'bad enough' for some therapists. If youre courious - germany. 🤷♀️
Went to therapy for four years, left more suicidal than I went in. My friends and family are what helped me
Then the therapist didn't do their job right. Glad to hear of people who have friends and family they can rely on, though!
Im so sorry that you went through that. I’m glad your friends and family helped
@@TheDJman248 Most therapists don't do their job right then. I experienced the same thing.
@@anitat9727 did you experience "most therapists" though?
@@TheDJman248 Went to therapy for 10 years. So yes, I have a large enough sample to say "most therapists"
As a licensed therapist, I appreciate the deconstruction and perspective of how therapists are trained and recommended to approach treatment. Although I am seeing that Dr. K is implementing the therapeutic model in a way that makes him affable and builds a rapport versus being a very neutral reflective figure
Sometimes all people need is to feel like someone understands them, and is on their side.
Imo that is exactly how therapists should evolve but then none is really Qualified ...this all got to do with hes boeddhist background and how he views our reality and hese beliefs that dr.k Works in this way... I think personaly that the big majority of therapists are simply onqualified to even get on that lvl and are onconciously sleeping aswell ....humanity lacks awareness and conciousness as a whole ... and u need a higher conciousness to dig really deep in a persons psyche to trully help him...if a person is not spiritualy awakend ur not supposed to go in the subject.. but what worries me the most is that many therapists are not even open to go down that path when they face someone like that...no knowlegde...science isnt there yet...so for now therapists are an exspensive lissening ear in society...because people dont like to lissen to problems...evryone got there own
you mean a friend?
@@yonoquieroverelmundoarder9501 I would encourage people to make friends if that’s a goal of theirs, but therapists are distinctly not friends. They have to be ‘friendly’, but be careful not to muddy those waters to avoid ending a clinical relationship and potentially harming the client.
@@privatprivat7279 I would be curious to understand better what you’re referring to. Do you mean philosophical ideas of consciousness and perspective of placement in the universe, or religious and spiritual beliefs?
this really hits hard. the common answer people give to depressed people is get therapy, even though therapy has been god awful for me. im genuinely upset with the therapists ive had and i cant help but feel angry at them. i just wish i could find people who are willing to take the risk and just give me a direction. i understand therapists might have good intentions but it truly just feels like theyre scammers. im glad i found this video, i want to try looking into coaching.
I had a therapist when I was 14. In the 4 months I saw her, she: Broke patient confidentiality constantly, told my parents I was faking my mental illnesses, threatened to hospitalize me multiple times which made me scared to tell her anything, and the only advice she ever gave me was to "pretend to be happy until you are." Which seeing as hiding my mental illnesses was the reason I was spiraling so much, really wasn't helpful.
I haven't been back to therapy since. And the process of even getting a therapist in the first place was in my case very difficult and borderline traumatic. It's been 6 years since I've been in therapy and honestly I'm scared to ever go back, but know my mental health will continue to get worse as it has been for the past 6 years if I don't do anything.
don't ever push away your feelings, you are the only one who knows yourself better,
you are the one who's going to validate it, who's going to accept and be the parent you wish was there for you
be the considerate one to give yourself time to process emotions
you are your best parent, lover, sister, friend, family, it's not weird at all;
getting to know myself and be there for myself in my darkest moments was the best thing I've ever done
"pretend to be happy until you are" with advice like that I hope that therapist is miserable for the rest of their life.
@@7dogguy Her exact words were "fake it til you make it" but that's exactly what she meant. She clarified multiple times.
@@tobeseve4020 it's just all non advice you know? either way I wish for good things in your life
You could give online support groups a try, or Internal Family Systems therapy there are a lot of youtubes on how to do it yourself.
After two years of therapy I recovered from depression and stopped having panic attacks, without having to take any medication. Sometimes you just need to get things off your chest but you really need to be willing to open up.
That is great to hear, glad you are doing better.
Beato te
Hey, um, if you're comfortable enough to share do you have any tips or advice on recovery? If you don't want to talk about it, it's okay! I'm happy for your recovery!😊
@@wot4192i was severely depressed too but never took meds cus of personal issues but i can tell you, therapists help a lot.good ones at least. i had a good ass therapist who was the nicest dude ever.he explained things really nicely and helped me overcome my depression. but at the end, what he did was "push" me like every other person in therapy. yes talking helps a lot but YOU are the one who has to make the change u want to see. i dont know if there are abstract advices that i can give you, apart from trying as hard as you can cause the world is fucked up but there r lots of good things and good people n u deserve to see all of that. get up, do something. something little even, just to start your journey of self-help. we have one life, and its hard but you gotta live it. thats all i have really but you will find within yourself the strength to keep going without needing advices. love u man :)
I have lived with severe CPTSD, anxiety, depression and OCD most of my life (childhood stuff). I saw a therapist weekly for ten years from the age of 30 to 40. It helped me. The main thing she did that helped me was be there at the same time, the same place, every single Thursday (except at Christmas) for 10 years straight. She never let me down. I had never in my life experienced anyone reliable, anyone who has any kind of commitment to being there for me, ever. I had a lot of trauma to take to her and she never let me down. She died suddenly on New Years Eve 2022. I will be forever grateful for her steady presence in my life when the rest of it felt like utter chaos and pain.
I hope you have just as much fortune if you decide to see someone new! 💕
A lot of people look at therapy like a GPS, but it's more like road signs. They can't tell you what to do to be happy. They can just give you the infrastructure to help you find your way. The problem is some people just have no sense of direction and they don't know left from right. They need that GPS. They need structure because it's not innately in them.
What stops them from telling their patients what to do? They have years of experience dealing with mental health. They are in a very good position to give suggestions as to what a patient can do to feel better. Like you said, everyone is different and some people need some direction more than others.
@@KeenestObserver Because every person is different and there is no established set of answers that will work across all or even most people, if they tell someone to do something and it doesn't work out, sometimes people react *terribly*, and that doesn't help anyone, nor is that the therapist's job. Therapy is all about helping you figure out things (mostly) on your own, because that is how we learn more about ourselves, and that is the main focus of therapy, to understand yourself better.
Therapists are just people as well, that have all their own problems like we all do, no one has *the* answers, so it's more beneficial for everyone for them to help through self-reflection than to *tell* you what to do, not only that but someone can tell you what to do, doesn't mean you will execute it properly, they are teaching healthier ways to think, not what actions will help you make your life better, no one has those answers.
Because people gotta learn to problem solve on their own. Its the same reason in school you don't get given the answers to tests or assignments, you don't learn shit if you're just told everything. And I do think the capacity to problem solve is in the vast majority of people when you assess it on a cognitive level so you have to build that sense of direction instead of assuming they'll never be capable of it
@@KeenestObserver honestly I'm pretty sure therapists are no more mentally stable then the any given person. If your looking for advice, find someone you like and respect, with a clear morale character.
They don’t need a gps... they need to develop their own gps by being taught how to read the road signs
As someone who has been through a lot of therapy, its really interesting to hear the philosophy of “getting stuff out”, because its kind of obvious why then people who have been in therapy a long time are often left wanting firmer direction. I myself have experienced this.
It gets to a point when there’s nothing else to “get out”, and you’re just hurting.
Yeah, I know. You get it out, but they just give you a blank stare. Thankfully, I found a therapist who responded to me when I spoke, and mirrored back a reaction, and that really healed me and set me free. No one else had ever done that before.
This is why therapy is kinda pointless for me, I have these converstions with myself anyway, I look at my problems, after identifying them I think about why I don't like it, and once I've understood that, I come up with a solution, and if I can't do that, I learn to accept that part of myself.
Yes you talk to yourself but you might identify way to much with your problems and so your whole perspective gets contaminated. That's why talking to someone who is good at listening to understand and give guidance into sorting out what's going on is necessary.
@@freemindas Therapists don't give guidance though. Because if they tell you something you're not ready to hear then you'll just disagree anyway and there is also the fact that if they just give you the answers they are just giving you a fish instead of teaching you how to fish and will ultimately rob of you of the process of fixing the problem. That's why they just try to get you to continue talking instead of actively helping.
Therapy even at its best is just self-reflection, and anyone can do that on their own.
what if other people know a solution to one of your problems, and you know a solution to a problem that other people are having?
@@AlexRodriguez-gb9ez That doesn't matter for two reasons. Reason number one is the same as the old saying, give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day, teach a man to fish and he'll eat for the rest of his life. If you give someone the solution to their problem, then you remove their chance to exercise learning how to problem solve, since an ability to problem solve is the root skill that enables people to improve things. Reason number two is that it has to come from within anyway, someone has to choose to change before they will change, and part of that is deciding what to do for themselves.
I don't know if you've ever tried to give someone a solution to their deep problems, but it very rarely works. There's always some reason or another why they won't take your advice, especially if they don't actually know you. Sometimes those reasons are legitimate and you aren't aware of all the factors, sometimes it's just the fact that they just aren't ready to accept the solution. A huge part of solving your major problems in life is coming to the realisation that you are doing something wrong, that's a painful process for people and no amount of outside help will make it any quicker or easier to accomplish.
Self-improvement and healing is a process of reflection, that's why therapists will just let you speak and never actively do anything. They essentially act as a mirror and get you to talk to yourself. Because if you do that seriously and for a long enough time, you WILL find the answer. You know the problem AND you know the solution, it's just a matter of honestly looking for it. If people honestly ask themselves why they feel the way they do or why their life is the way it is, the answer will appear to them. But the hard part is being honest, and no third party is capable of getting somebody to do that. You tell the truth to someone in denial and you'll just make them angry.
For me, I used therapy to voice thoughts that I'd usually avoid or suppress. Dealing with social anxiety, I often have irrational thoughts about what people are thinking about me and voicing them to a therapist or counselor helped a lot.
Your point about "the therapist working with you" was spot on. Often times, my academic adviser was more tangibly helpful than talking with a therapist, especially when it came to accepting mistakes, not setting unreasonable/unrealistic expectations, and self sympathy.
Spot on with working with you. Many therapists (or at least the bad ones) seem to be working at you.... or even against you bizarrely enough.
Honestly if the therapists in my area actually interacted with patients like Dr K does with the people he interviews, I would go back to therapy.
This video perfectly articulates my issues with the field of mainstream therapy, and why despite my passion for psychology and helping people, I've always felt put off by the passive style of things. I'd like to see more therapists who are trained to do more than listen and avoid any kind of responsibility; I have a cat for that.
Conclusion: Employ more cats!
holy shit I need a second cat. thanks mate!
@@passiveaggresivesquirrel2052 Haha great take away and useful too: Second opinion + funny shenanigans.
@@WhiteRabbit-S4A ugh, did my comment hurt u? I am sorry, I am confused D:
@@passiveaggresivesquirrel2052 Not at all. On the contrary, I agree and enjoy your comment 👍
I think, and I'm saying this as an unlicensed individual, a therapist's most important job is teaching people to maintain healthy mindsets, and you HAVE to take responsibility for that to happen.
Let's use abusive relationships as an example. In my opinion, it is the therapist's job to help you identify whether the relationship is factually abusive, and how to break away from it. They also need to convey that while you might be in a worse spot temporarily, learning to be independent and break away from any later possible abusive relationships is a really important skill for communication and finding good relationships that aren't abusive.
I just don't see how to express that consistently to patients without taking the matters into your own hands.
I agree. A therapist shouldn't be a mere mirror. We have to accept that each therapist has their personal cognitive biases of course. However what's exactly precious to a patient is an outsider's perspective to their issues. Specifically an outsider that can also analyse their problems and offer them an option they did not see beforehand, even if it isn't a direct solution.
Therapists do definitely help in creating plans for leaving abusive relationships, its moreso that as a therapist you can't just say "okay now leave" because more often than not the client just stops coming to therapy if they arent ready to face the reality of their situation. Even amongst friends like I've seen people push away friends who pressure them to leave because theyre so deep in their denial. You realistically want to keep them in therapy as long as you can and slowly move them in that direction. There are also a lot of services and resources for people trying to leave DV situations that provide things like financial support, literacy support, housing support and a lot of those more practical considerations that are barriers (at least where I live, I dont know how strong these services are elsewhere) but therapists are trained here to make those referrals to places that perhaps are more specialised or can provide more hands on support
This !
Yeah they should. Like, my therapist didn't push it, but he definitely pointed out when something was leaning a dangerous/potentially abusive direction and he was spot-on. I didn't continue that thought in the session (as in, we didn't talk more about it), but I kept it in my mind and that helped me.
@@The.Painted.Angel. totally agree.
A friend of mine was in a situation where she got gaslighted and I needed to talk to her for hoursss of clearly pointing out what was wrong with her relationship so she would understand. A second hour long phonecall and texting over multiple days was necessary to make her brake up. And that was only possible because multiple people talked to her before untill she realised something was off with that guy. I'm glad that she actually trusted me enough because I study psychology because like I said multiple people already failed to get her out. - And that was me talking to her as a best friend so imagine the efforts it would take for a therapist that you only see for an hour each time and don't trust as much as a close friend.
I've read it before somewhere in the comment section and I need to say it as well: "therapy is suggestive and not demanding".
It's basically the art of leading you and making you think the stuff was your idea 😂
Had awful psychiatrists who acted like therapists and messed up a good three years of my life. Now have one that has helped me be healthier (mentally and through that physically) than I've been my whole life. It depends so so much on the therapist, which sucks because dealing with mental health problems makes you way less able to book an appointment with anyone, let alone go "Wait, this isn't helping, I need someone else" There needs to be stricter standards and some sort of honour code system for only dealing with people you actually can help and referring the rest to others.
I really enjoyed this clip. I am currently in a Masters program for counseling and funnily enough am focusing on ACT as my grounding theory. I've definitely been struggling with balancing the idea of giving advice vs letting clients find their own answers and I think Dr K really brought up some good points. It's also hard to balancing problem solving with giving space for the clients to express themselves during a session. Just brought up a lot of thoughts and I really appreciate the conversation!
I think intuition and experience are two very important tools to figuring out whether a client will learn from letting them figure out their own answer, but these tools can only really be learned and honed when you take how your patients respond to you to heart and get bothered by your effect (or the lack thereof) to heart, which is really not easy.
In the end I have never given therapy so my advice means little, but I thought I'd throw it out anyways in case you find something useful in it (and if not don't worry about it and just ignore what I said).
IMO you should always let clients find their own answers. Or at least that should always be the default. Or put another way, whenever you want to give advice it should be done BY LEADING THEM to discover this conclusion/advice themselves -- because that's how understanding works anyways.
i think what therapists should do is put the possibilities on the table and letting the patient discover them
throw away everything you learned in school and just be a friend
@@enamored1 I don't need or want my therapist to get attached to me and stop being objective with my fuck ups.
I think its disrespectful that people in chat say "he expected too much from the few appointments he had", dude said he had been on and off therapy for 7 years. Come on!
We need to be honest and say therapy doesn't work on everyone. Because, believe it or not, some people's trauma is only external based (ie due to what is happening to them). How can I therapist help a man who lost his job and his home, or someone in legit terror over how they will afford tomorrow. Sometimes problems themselves are existential, not our perception.
Amen
I was in therapy 4 years ago because I was experiencing life problems.
I was depressed, I had just had a baby, experiencing relationship issues with multiple people and grieving the loss of my sister in law and some of the relationship issues I had were with family members also grieving. It was so hard. My therapist said "Yeah that is hard! That is A LOT to handle, for ANY person. No wonder you're so depressed and anxious your life is hard right now."
I felt like I was finally heard and finally seen. I was like wow she gets it. That's really all I needed was validation and confirmation that what I was going through wasn't just in my head it was all around me too.
She confirmed that for me. I desperately needed that. It felt so empowering. She also told me she struggled with anxiety and when I asked for actual ways to cope and to de stress she gave me some. She told me what she had to do to de stress after hard sessions with clients that left her feeling heavy. She sympathized with the fact that she also suffers with anxiety and it's hard to explain to someone who doesn't have it because they can't relate. For her it was her husband telling her to just try to stay calm, she told him I can't it doesn't work that way and how frustrating it was for her. She understood me. I think therapy should be about having someone listen and be sympathetic and understanding but they aren't always. They also don't always give you strategies or coping mechanisms. Our society over hypes therapy, not every therapist works for every client and sometimes people just need life advice or help in ways therapy can't give. If your therapist isn't a fit people please try someone or something else. Don't give up life is hard it's hard for most people.
this is exactly why i want to spit in the faces of people who scoff and tell me i just need professional help etc. like, i'm fine when im not in an ultra abusive environment where im constantly reminded that im not even considered a human who deserves the basic necessities of life.. i didnt make this system. i didnt do anything to make those who control our laws and society make me unworthy of life. its the psychopaths who are destroying society and our planet that need the fucking therapy. no amount of talking and medications is going to change the thoughts of the abusive psychos im surrounded by here in shithole USA where child abuse is enabled and supported by the state for kids who dont want to harm others for profit / entertainment. where the state funds the worst people and attempts to kill off everyone else..
I think perception and attitude are a very important part about therapy. If someone is sick and will probably die it is very important to help them get a more positive way of thinking.
People have different levels of resilience and if people have problems with external factors this resilience is essential to cope with these problems. Therapy can help finding new resources to elevate your resilience including new and healthy coping strategies that can indeed include talking to friends but also stuff like relaxation techniques.
So let's say someone has social anxiety because of bullying. I think this example shows how external problems can become internal problems. The therapist can't just change the environment of the client but he can help them build up resilience so they can learn how to better deal with their problems - or let's rather say how they can fight against external problems becoming internal.
Let's say one therapy goal is to get the client to be more independent as a new resource because up till then they relied heavily on their friends. In behavioural therapy it could be that the client gets tasks like building up a routine, doing little walks around the block without avoiding strangers, leaning how to relax and stuff like that. Exploring resources also includes keeping them up such as friendships and good bonds with the family, having a hobby, having a religion, being financially secure, doing sports etc.
With all those resources and higher resilience it is more difficult to get thrown of by critical events. How you deal with toxic people in your life is key to how it will make you feel. So perception actually is a huge part of recovering from any mental illness even if the cause is external - and I dare to say that a lot of mental illnesses are caused by external factors
I really want to kermit after reading these comments. I don't know why I'm reading them all. Please someone help me
It's chat
They study to be stupid
it's funny that people will so often say "go to a therapist to get help for your problems" and yet therapist literally don't even try to fix problems.
"Sorry I can't help you go see someone else," "Sorry I can't help you go see someone else," "Sorry I can't help you go see someone else,"
is my life, people are directing me to help, but it really feels like "I should learn or get better on my own."
What they should have done is: "I am not the best person to help you with this, But, here are some therapists I know who are better versed to help you with your problems" or something like that.
Have you still not been able to find anyone? And what exactly are you looking for?
thanks for the comments, some of it applicable to therapy, but It also applies to everything in my life. I get help, but they just hand me off to the next specialist or professor. Looking for answers to life's problems really, just like video touched on. Only recently have I landed at a rock which I feel is enough, but barely enough to give the answers I seek.
If that is what you took away from therapy, then it was successful imo
It's true, our problems will never have all the answers,
But from our point, we can learn what NOT to do, what to AVOID, and how pain is inflicted, learned and projected, don't worry karma is real and you don't have to revenge avenge just use trauma as something to LEARN from
I think a lot of people don't need a therapist, but rather a mentor
Where do we pay for a mentor lmfao
@@JF098 That's what a life coach is. Either that, or find someone at your job that you respect. Or an uncle or aunt you respect etc.
@@JwlarLife coach are such fucking scams lmao
you're 100% right
My therapist is freaking amazing. She gives me homework, points me in directions, talks me through things, and helps me deal with my pain. She is giving me the tools to I need to get better. She also gives me fantastic advice about setting boundaries with others and even with myself. Finding a good therapist is like...dating. You have to try a few before you find the right one.
Expensive dates
You have fallen in love with your therapist, maybe she is manipulating you.
Pay attention they've study human's mind for years and the use people's weaknesses in order to bring money in their pockets...
@@godwhispersinmyearsinsleep5351 exactly.
@@ms.marion8431 sad world the one we live in
@@godwhispersinmyearsinsleep5351🌻
I went to therapy with a real go-getter attitude. Ready to give 110% because I was literally having panic attacks every day and veering into paranoia. The first therapist I had did not help. She asked me to talk about my trauma and I thought "if I do this it'll help" and when I was curled into a ball crying I thought "if it hurts this bad it must pay off eventually". Anyways she fired me as a client and I was reassigned. With this therapist I was able to stop having panic attacks. It took forever and it was hard but it wasn't anything like my first therapist. Initially not knowing how therapy is supposed to work actually fucked me over when I was trying my hardest to help myself.
I'm so happy that you're recovered. Do you have some tips, especially for panic attacks?
@@Bprimemod so if you ever can't breathe during a panic attack hold your breath for a couple of seconds. it almost resets the breathing I don't know how else to describe it. I've prevented myself from passing out using this trick but I'm not sure you'll need it... but being flexible with coping skills is my next advice. Have a list of ones that worked in the past +new ones you think might help and have them handy for when you need them.
@@arowace498 u ever get heart palpitations or fast heart rate? Happens after doing 💨 for me its basically a really bad panic attack u know how to slow it down?
@@andresmcjr yes, thats one of my most common symptoms. I can't say I have focused on preventing that symptom because I'm very accustomed to it so it doesn't bother me much. I'm so sorry, I wish I had more first hand experience for you. Of course, deep breathing is supposed to help but make sure you practice when you're calm too. The more you practice calming techniques when you're stable the greater chance it'll be effective when you're unstable.
I like the restaurant analogy! If the therapist doesn't order, the patient will starve. Also, I think it's important to mention that the patient went to the therapist with the expectation they would order something and even paid them to do so.
A therapist that admits that they aren't being effectual is rare and definitely a keeper in my experience. I suspect my recent therapist believed that, but she would never admit it.
Had a friend who went to therapy since he had a bad split with his wife. The therapist deemed him suicidal and had the police come to take his guns which he the had to petition to get back. Which only made his depression worse. After seeing that I can't blame anyone who doesn't want to pay for therapy.
That's horrible!
Or they can send you to mental institutions depending on what you say, its a crock of authoritarian bullshit to make more money for the healthcare industry.
I dont doubt that. Therapists can literally fuck over lives
He should've sued them
I feel just like the OP does. I've seen so many therapists and they all gave me friend level advice at best. I have to keep waiting on waiting lists for 5-6 months just to get another therapist that sits there and only listens. I wish I had the money and access to get some coaching from someone like Dr. K.
Have you tried his coaching program? Seems good even if it’s not dr. K
Yeah wait lists are bad rn because of COVID there was a stigma around therapy before so the industry had been rather small but now everyone and their mother is realizing they need therapy in one way or another
@@Gingerbran exactly, he himself mentioned that he's not unique and that other people can also do the sort of stuff that he does. Tbf it's not common to encounter someone that has the level of wisdom he has and the vocabulary for explaining certain things (English is fairly limited in what it can describe for mental stuff and I think his knowledge of Sanskrit helps), but it's not rare or impossible to find someone that can help OP just as well
I've had good results with a therapist, but the thing is that you can only get out what you put in. You have to be clear about what your issues are and what you want to find solutions for. If you don't know what your problem is then it's like going to the doctor and saying "I have chronic pain" and when the doctor asks where the pain is you just say "I don't know".
Ok, I like K. I like his approach and overall philosophy, but this talk got very weird and very dangerous very fast.
Look people, K is awesome, but he is a psychiatrist, not a psychologist. His knowledge of different psychology approaches is very limited. What people take 5 years or more to learn, he "kinda learned" in 2 years max. There are many (many) therapy approaches and methods that have barely anything to do with Freud and "neutrality". But instead of dunking on K, who seems to be doing an honest work, I'll just recommend a few different things:
1- CBT: oldest "direct" therapy there is. CBT people usually work with actual results in mind, discovering what your problem probably is asap so they can give you assignments that match what you are going through and need to learn. If it is a miss they just go to the next possibility, just like K said.
2- Psychodrama: uses your body and your imagination A LOT instead of just leaving you to wonder who you are. Usually involves a group, but there is also individual psychodrama for those who prefer it (still, a group is nice because you will see other people going through stuff as well).
3- Art Therapy: make stuff! create stuff! sometimes even destroy stuff! instead of just ruminating about what your problem might be, if you are having problems even communicating that to your therapist, this will offer you a way larger repertoire of communication.
4- Ericksonian Hypnoterapy: I mean, if you're into the idea of being hypnotized.
There is a lot else to talk about. I also feel ethically required to say that we just MUST at least talk about the possibility that OPs approach to "going to therapy" is kinda misguided. It is ok to want answers, but no training in the world will allow a therapist to read your mind. There is no magical therapy pill either. If a client comes to me and can't even put into words why they are here, I'll probably need a few sessions to hear them out before I can lay out a therapy plan. Therapy is not magic.
Same. I’ve gone to several therapist/psychiatrist/therapists and none have helped me. I’ve recently received an asd diagnosis and now I’m thinking I needed someone who specialized in asd. I need more of a life coach than an actual therapist because most of my issues stem from miscommunication which therapists suck at addressing. A lot of “everyone feels that way” and “change your view”. Not really possible when you struggle with understanding people and being understood. Hard to find a good therapist when you have asd.
As a therapist, I can completely empathize with a patient's issues while also trying to help guide them towards solutions. I can appreciate your approach to treatment and education. I have not found that same lack of responsibility you feel that therapists approach treatment with just from my own experience in supervision and working with my peers. It seems that therapy has moved closer towards including solution-focused approaches.
Just adding that I also feel like OP. It seems like therapy only works with people for who talking about their problems makes them feel better. But for me it's useless unless I get advice for solving the problem that I hadn't think about yet myself. Like what this video does, I never considered taking a coach. Some actually useful advice. Thanks.
The part where you say : the patient wasn't ready yet, it's not our fault" struck with me. I had a therapist who's done far more bad than good. Actually, a lot of bad and no good. She would gaslight me, reprimise me for things I said I need help with and candy do well at the moment, tried to persuade me that I have a specific mental illness and should have suicidal thought. And said she was perfectly capable and perfect and that I was the problem and I just have to overcome my said mental illness behaviour and become healthy, then she can work with me. And so on and so on. It really took a toll on me, my work and friendships. And I was lucky I've been seeing a seasoned psychologist while waiting for a therapy opening. I could go back to someone with expertise and who knew me at my worst to get a fair view on me and wether I had that said illness and my feelings about the therapist.
Wow, your own supervisor "fired" themself to not hinder you basically
respect+ for that person, that's a very interesting story
I've been to countless therapists and nothing has come from it. The second I started with coaching there was this amazing natural flow of honesty, it feels far more personal and there's a relationship formed between patient and professional. I've been able to work through and touch on so many aspects of my own trauma without a rush to it. And the best part of coaching is it doesn't rely on your misfortune, if you never talk about your childhood trauma you'll still see your own growth because it aimed at improving your world from the inside outwards, not verbally writing your autobiography
“what can you help me with” “what do you think i can help you with” i’d instantly get up and leave
It is rough hearing the "what do you think you should do" deflection. In my experience it works for some things, for example maybe I'm lagging in a class and the obstacles aren't exactly huge existential things so forcing me to come up with solutions might be enough to unclog the problem, but it's terrible for other situations, like trying to find a direction in life after feeling stuck for so long, and they're just replying "I think you know what you want to do" when no, I mostly certainly do not.
Sometimes there's also an element of replying with answers you think they want to hear just so you can move on, otherwise you're stuck in a conversation loop (or worse, awkward silence) and there's only so many minutes left in your session.
I'd say this is where journaling or other forms of self reflection can be really effective. In an hour session with a therapist you're probably not going to figure out what you want to do with your life
But the therapist can say, how about you go write down 20 things you might want to do, or ask 10 friends what career path might be good for you, and then we can talk again and try to make sense of the results. Or suggest it and ask the client to think of a similar exercise that would move them towards insight
You can't find all the answers in a session, and of course the more important determining factor is what you do in your daily life, not in one hour of it
When I repeatedly get "What do you think it is? etc" it feels like they think I am lying and they are pressing me to admit it. Getting nothing but questions thrown back at me is very insulting.
By the time I go for help I have already looked at it from every angle I can think of. If I knew these things it wouldn't be a problem.
@@gmansard641 I think a good therapist won't just repeat the same question. They might ask the same question in different ways, or come at the problem from angles that you haven't thought of, that helps shed light on it
Asking the same question over and over can sound like an interrogation
@@TheParadiseParadox That's what it feels like, an interrogation. They don't believe me when I say I don't know, then they tell me to stop saying "I don't know." I have had more than one do this.
One of the few times any therapist had any real insight into me was when she observed that I first came to her already having a high degree of self-knowledge and that the throw-the-question-back technique wouldn't work well with me.
A good insight, but therapy still hasn't done much for me. I can explain things very well, but being able to do that doesn't make me feel any better.
@@gmansard641 what has helped in your life?
I think the reason Life Coaches are taking off is because, despite the fact that they have a "1 solution fix all problems" approach, their solution happens to be the right one for the problem a lot of people are having which therapists also happen to be unable to solve.
Working out, eating healthy and talking to other people as a means of SELF IMPROVEMENT can do absolute wonders for people lacking a direction in life, which is a very common cause of depression, and even the one mentioned by the redditor who made the OP. Sure, it might be a fix that only lasts a few years for some people, but your other option is shelling out tens of thousands a year for therapy that answers "Which direction do you think we should go?" when you ask for directions.
Perhaps I should be one.
Except you are just masking the trauma, and at some point something is gonna trigger it at which point you will have a breakdown
Ask me how I know, sigma grindset is not a viable method to get rid of mental illness
@@LuluTheCorgi Like I said. For some people it will be temporary. I didn't say it was a good solution, just better than therapy :P
@@LuluTheCorgi That assumes you can even resolve this 'trauma' to begin with, and that the therapist can help you. Results vary widely.
In my experience, therapy has costed less than a lot of "life coaching" nonsense and they were at least equipped to tackle my more fucked up problems. $30 a session with a therapist every other week to discuss strategies and vent or $250 a session with a life coach to tell me "well have you tried running in the morning before work?"
"Yes asshole, I have. Problem is that I work 12-14 hours and the shifts change constantly. So either I am gonna be exhausted and my health issues will worsen."
"Have you tried finding a different job."
"Oh gee no, sir. As a matter of fact, I dun forgot to put ups muh resume on the Indeeds"
Massive waste of fucking time.
Therapy really helped me, typical "it be like that" is a short term relief but my therapist helped me long term. She was good about leading me to the answers, she never told me how to think or gave me answers, she asked questions that allowed me to find my own answers. If I'm being completely honest, my advice was going to be the only advice I take, and she helped me give myself good advice. I'm in a much better place, and when I struggle I can in my head ask myself those same questions.
That’s exactly how I would describe what my therapist has done for me. She asks me questions that make me reconsider the way I think and in turn has helped me give myself better advice. For example, in one of our first sessions, she asked me “do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?”
Man too fucking real man..... After a few months of weekly sessions with my previous therapist I was having an awful week, I was hysterical and down. I told her I just didn't know what to do anymore, I needed help figuring out what to do to get myself out of this hole. She told me "I think you know what you need to do" I was heartbroken, I didn't book another session because I figured I should know what to do..... So frustrating, she just didn't want to take a stab at any real answer, it almost seems like a closed loop to keep the patient returning, I know that's not the case, but no risk, no reward.
DR.K is so awesome, really enjoying these small talks, and streamer talks as well =)
I hate to break it to you but that's therapy in a nutshell,why do you think they teach them to not give answers to clients???it's obvious,so you keep returning and waste your money,energy......I suggest you watch Jordan Peterson videos and then come back
@@randomness4989 maybe there are people like that, but no, therapists are not trained to scam people, I'm sorry if you feel that way.
@@randomness4989 it's not because of this. It's because no answers on their part will work. The whole idea is to give you mostly a clearer image of yourself, a degree of self-awareness needed for you to have a glimpse into the why of your problems and ways out of them. The problem is that either people don't understand how that works or lack the very basic level of self-awareness. I think to go to therapy, one should get acquainted with how it's supposed to work and then it truly does work. Else, you may risk running in circles, it's true
@@Limemill but what if I m a lost soul with no purpose and I can't take advise?should I just take meds and pray to God the answer comes itself?like wtf is this backward logic,you take meds to stop thinking but you need to think to solve your issue !
@@randomness4989 look, I'm no expert to solve the med + therapy conundrum, but I know that statistically combining the two increases chances of recovering from depression by 25%. So it must still work somehow. If we take meds out of the equation, therapy is all about you putting questions to yourself and answering them, and the therapist is there to mostly make sure you ask them in the first place and answer them honestly. When you don't, you will be steered towards a path that is conducive to it. If you're very self-aware, if you know where you tend to go off rails, you probably don't need therapy, you should be able to easily self-correct
This makes a ton of sense actually, I’ve been in therapy for maybe 8 years now due to a variety of issues, many of which are related to autism and adhd alongside generalized anxiety and a good bit of trauma, and I’ve often struggled with when I finally open up and talk about what’s hurting me all I get is a “that sucks” from my therapist. the only type of therapy that has made a meaningful impact for me has been DBT, as that is very action-focused and gives you a ton of coping mechanisms to work with that really helped me with my toxic shame issues.
The other thing is, sometimes the shit that’s wrong with your brain is a chemical imbalance rather than your way of thinking, and ultimately the best thing to help is medication. It’s not for everyone, but it shouldn’t be stigmatized as an option.
As a therapist, I tend to be more like what you’re describing yourself as Dr. K and I worried that I was doing something wrong, but now I feel better about what I’m doing. I remember as a client thinking a lot “ok I understand these things come from childhood, but what can I DO now?” Many therapists would constantly try to bring things back to my childhood when I ALREADY KNEW THE REASONS but it didn’t actually help change anything. Thankful that my supervisor is very directive and solution focused as well because my program was very non-directive and it was frustrating.
I'm a trainee and one of my favorite little personal axioms is that insight can be precious, but also a fool's prize- insight without action and choice doesn't really do much. I'm also in a really nondirective program so cool to hear of someone else with similar experiences!
@@sketchreemead6353 "Insight can be precious, but also a fool's prize" - I could really have stood to hear that in my twenties. People I had spoken with said I was one of the most introspective and self-aware people they knew, but all that awareness melted away to nothingness like morning dew on a hot summer's day, when confronted with real life situations. Not to mention all the awareness in the world means nothing if it doesn't inform your actions, or spur you to action in the first place...
@@sketchreemead6353 On the other hand, the bias to action is one of the greatest mental hiccups we have as people and should be taken seriously. Insight is only the very first step in the chain of productivity. But the next one is never action, it's Orientation. Orientation is not active and its absence causes behavior to feel absurd, blind or pointless and introspection to feel like spinning your wheels aka "thinking without learning".
Every single therapist I've been to has been utterly useless.
I walk in tell them the issue UP FRONT, tell them WHERE IT'S COMING FROM, HOW IT'S AFFECTING ME AND WHYYYY...
All I ever get is, tell me more... so I do and then OH we're out of time, see you next week :)
Next session, SO LET'S RECAP EVERYTHING YOU ALREADY KNOW.... tell me more.... OH we're out of time, see you next week :)
AT INFINITUM.
And the classic, you need to figure that out for yourself :)
If there ever was a type of person I'd love to slam through a fucking table, it'd be therapists aka charlatan scam artist pieces of useless trash.
YEARS UPON YEARS, THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS, what has it gotten me so far.... literally NOTHING.
I still know what the issue is, STILL know where it's coming from AND STILL KNOW HOW IT'S AFFECTING ME AAAND WHYYYY.... ya know the same as YEARS AGO.
If you love burning money, go see a therapist.
I literally had 2 appointments with a therapist where they basically just said "you know what to do" and I wasn't even eating at the time.... I knew what to do, technically, I didn't know how to do it.
I once wasn't eating and it made me develop globus hystericus. Instead of going to therapy, I went to my GP. Advantages: it's cheap, it goes in your medical record and they give practical tips on eating. He told me to eat more so I could open up my throat again and hé promised I would feel better. I left feeling like a weight left my shoulders and I drove to McDonald's, swallowed two giant burgers and felt ah-mazing. I know fast food is not the way but damn, my throat learned to work again and I finally got some calories again and from then on I got my appetite back.
Unfortunately they don't tell you anything the person already knows. Their whole thing is "self help".. people can get that from a book or google
@@helenarichard Wait I'm so confused. Your problem was not eating, the solution was to eat, and you did? Then...why was there a problem?????
What I'm gonna write next is my opinion as a psychology student who doesn't have enough experience to have a valid opinion but is still trying to understand what the hell is going on in our heads:
I think there is a problem with our culture in general that is producing states of mind that are near other studied illneses and disorders. There is some feeling of hopelessness that seems to be spreading faster and faster. It seems to be becoming the norm. And if it is actually spread out we can not treat this as if it were a single case.
If you are a small town doctor and you have a patient with food poisoning you treat that one patient. If half the town has food poisoning and they dont seem to get better then just medicating every single one won't be the answer. You have to check what food is being sold to the town.
I think something similar is happening. Our culture has evolved in such a way that most of us feel detached. We have incredibly high standards thrown upon us to achive happiness, and the way to get there is becoming more and more difficult.
I'm not saying we have to dismantle capitalism. This isn't a pro-communist post (I would have to be a hypocrite to write an anticapitalism comment and have a star wars profile pic at the same time). But we as a society should revalue what it is we are creating. There is something that isn't working. And so we end up with people like this. It doesn't seem like this person has a particular illness or disorder (what psychologists study to help with), but rather it seems like it is the offers that life has to give him that are not working in his favour.
Disclaimer: this is not my first language. I apologize in case there are any mistakes
Edit: I have written this six months ago. And some of my thoughts since then have changed. Looking back I think I have been dealing with some slight depression and that made it so easy for me to see the world through grey tinted glasses. So maybe what I said isn't necessarily 100% factual with reality. Maybe it's just the mumbles of a 21 years old girl disillusioned with life. Maybe the world has always been grey, and always will be and the true hero's journey is building a happy life out of it. Or as happy as one can be. If you also feel disenchantment try to talk it out. Sometimes talking about these things out loud helps you see paths you weren't noticing before.
To anyone who read this far: we are in control of our lives. Lots of love
This is a brilliant and well-thought out post. Thank you for your contribution. ❤️
It's a problem with the ideologies the western world has created, we've taken away religion and higher meaning and replaced it with secular humanism and post modernism. When you're relentlessly bombarded with the fact that this life is all there is it gets very difficult to maintain hope
@@jokinghazard4022 I think that is an interesting observation, although I don't completly share your vision. I am an atheist and I strongly believe that it's actually better to be able to live without a god (although I completly understand and dont judge those who do, my mom is catholic and I love her very much). But most religions do preach about loving others, helping each other and being compasionate, the things I think we are lacking. So I don't think it is religion in itself we need more of, instead what it preaches: love, community, acceptance. We certainly don't need more of: everyone is on their own, only we make ourselves, you gotta be self made or you are nothing, if your story is not a story of success it is not worth telling, be a leader not a follower type of mentality. Because no one succeeds on their own, no one.
@@sol.f I would argue God is absolutely necessary to accomplish the ideals of love and compassion. look at our current culture today, there has never been a time where love and tolerance are the supposed highest virtues of our society, yet we are becoming increasingly divided and hateful. The reason for that is the love and tolerance society teaches is rooted in self, which in turn leads to no standard for love. Then when the standard is gone and people get to define it however they want they ultimately define it selfishly and ostracize people who disagree.
A standard of morality outside of yourself is incredibly important to actually being able to be moral to others, without it humans naturally revert back to selfishness
I should note here, I am not saying one cannot be moral without God, I am just saying that morality without God is incredibly difficult to sustain
@@jokinghazard4022 I think you are making some valid points. Specially the last one. I would argue that another way to achieve that goal is through education. Kids and teenagers should be tought about compassion, the value of honesty, teamwork, how to challenge prejudices, how to open up emotionally, how to communicate.
I consider myself an empatic person, and I singlehandledly attribute that to my loving parents who always made sure I thought of the world as a chain of love, where one act of kindness can spark another one, and another one, and so on. So in summary, I think education is the answer. You could do it through religious methods, but there are people who also take advantage of that, and in the name of gods perform evil acts. But I think we can agree that the answer is through education (however we define it)
I’ve been through several therapists. But I found mine relatively quickly. And it was the perfect storm.
She listened, was supportive, helped me through a dark time in my life. She called me out when I was full of shit, she showed me parts of myself that I didn’t even realize. I still see her to this day. Idk what I would have done if I hadn’t found my therapist.
I went through the same thing. It took me 13 years to get over my anxiety because of it. Doctors can't solve these problems because they are living, speaking + working from the same paradigm that causes these issues in the first place. The best they can do, in my experience, is cover it up... temporarily.
But for me to overcome my anxiety, I first had to realize that I am not my brain. I am not my thoughts. Thoughts come and go and I remain throughout them all, so I can't be any thought. I am not the incessant mental chatter but rather, I am that which observes those things and exists prior to them. With this, it put space between me and my mental problems.
I then stayed in this place of observing(which, you can never not be that, in truth), and observed my problems arising without judging or analyzing or resisting in anyway. I just let them be, I experienced them fully without pushing or pulling them, and they melted away. Permanently. See, when you fight these issues, you take them to be statements of fact about who you are. And what you resist persists, so by resisting you only shove it back down in to your subconscious mind where it festers and runs your life.
The actual reason those thoughts come up is to be healed, and you only interfere with that process when you resist it. It's really that simple. You can't solve bad thoughts with more thoughts; that's a hamster wheel with no end and it can only make it worse. You have to step outside of the field of thought in order to fix these issues, and it's probably easier than that makes it sound. Really all you have to do is observe without getting involved. An "observer thought" is bound to arise with this, but you're also observing that. You may also have thoughts about your desired outcome, and you should also observe those, while being attached to no outcome because such attachment is just another thought. That's it. Observe it all, resist nothing, and let your thoughts and emotions take their natural course. If only somebody had told me this back in 2007. The last 13 years, leading up to 2020, would have been much better for me. Now I feel it's my duty to share this with others.
Damn I have no idea what you're talking about but it sounds deep
I was seeing a therapist once a week for over a year and I told her I didn't see a point anymore because my issue was that no one gives a fuck about me. She said "I do." I told her she cares because I pay her to care and if I stopped paying her she would stop caring. She just got a sad look on her face and then looked down. I stopped going to her and never heard from her again.
Oh yeah. That's happened to me several times. tbh going to a counselor is good to a point. If they work with you on things that affected your mental health and how they affect different areas of your life, that's a good thing. But most counselors do NOT do that.
You nailed it, so clearly expressed, thank you. Best wishes.
It's not your councelors job to care about you. It's her job to help you get more emotionally stable, and teach you tools to fix your shit yourself.
@@vivalamew She literally said she cared and got silent when called out on it. Lying is second nature to these scamsters. Therapy is filled with narcissists and holier than thou people who love to manipulate their patients to squeeze them as much as they can.
That is sad. It is possible to care about people within the finite boundaries of a therapeutic relationship. I would do this work for free if that were somehow sustainable, but I have to also take care of myself and I need to be able to pay my bills to be available to provide my caring to people in need. The limited nature of the relationship is what makes it possible to hold the heaviest stuff, which is a often too heavy for ordinary relationships, in which they are supposed to also be getting something from you. We take money so that we can sustain these one sided relationships. It’s way more complicated to get help from someone whose feelings you also need to care about because they might have their own reactions to what you’re talking about. I get paid to keep my own shit in check and provide a safe space in which I will not need reciprocation.
I've run into this problem, too. Years and years of therapy, and I just feel like talking about my problems makes me feel worse with little takeaway to make any of it feel better other than basic advice I could think of myself. Plus since I'm young, I keep getting assigned young therapists who leave for better jobs within weeks, leaving me at square one all over again. I stopped going because I just can't deal with investing in a person who's supposed to help me, see them only once a week to bare my soul to the detriment of my mental health (re-living stuff) only for them to leave next month. Luckily I am in an okay place right now thanks to an AMAZING meds guy, but this was killing me for most of my life. It's very interesting to hear the evasive answers are on purpose.
Had a company paid therapist, lost the job, therapist reaction was: Oh have a wonderful life! Good luck!
That's awful, gosh. I'm so sorry therapists suck so much of the time
I've had a counsellor tell me before that it is completely acceptable to drop a therapist to find someone else you feel is helpful. Just like with friends, if you don't vibe with someone, you don't vibe with them - sometimes no matter how hard you want it to work.
I had to do that exact same thing. The therapist wasn't even mad. She knew me well enough by then to know what I was looking for and referred me to someone more compatible in the same building. If a therapist gets upset with you for switching there's probably a boundary issue.
Humility in a therapist is key. I was so pissed after my first visit with my current therapist because after one chat he'd made the decision I should leave my partner (which given how little info he had made sense). I was angry he'd make such a quick judgement with so little info, though, and seriously considered walking away then. But I've got a personal rule: you should try new things twice (not once)...so I did.
First thing he did when I got to my next appointment was apologize. As soon as he said "I'm sorry. That was hasty and I will try to do better in the future" I knew he was a great therapist. Now we work together. I know when he offers advice or an opinion, he's really listened and is really trying.
Seriously. Having a therapist recognize they make mistakes and are willing to own up to it is an amazing thing. Don't dodge. Do your best and own up if it doesn't work. Go back to the drawing table and work together.
They often aren't humble. They believe they have power and insight.
Dr K was the reason I started trusting therapy again after I used to to be in the exact same boat as the OP
This is one of the things that's really frustrating about struggling with depression/anxiety/mental health issues.
People shove you toward a therapist because they think that it'll be a *solution*.
But no therapist has ever told me that I'll be fixed or that they can make me better, in fact they've told me the opposite.
While I appreciate other's concern, I hate that I feel an obligation to not experience depression/anxiety in order to ease their worries or their feeling that they aren't helping me enough. I get tired of just talking things out because I can do that with anyone - I'm super aware of everything that makes me feel the way I do, so I don't need to dig stuff out. But I just end up feeling bad, I end up just down and droopy or anxious, and there's nothing I can do except my best to get through the day, and everyone freaks out and is like "see a counselor! see a therapist!" and then I go out of obligation and when everyone notices I'm not "fixed" or "better" they think the problem is ME. That I'm not trying, not working hard enough, not asking for solutions from the therapist, or just GIVING UP, or DRIFTING THROUGH LIFE.
Therapists aren't a solution, like you've revealed. Therapy is meant to help you understand what's going on, get to the root, so you can take strides to overcoming something.
I hate that people don't realize that depression isn't just something you can put a bandaid on then be all better. It's a thing you experience and I wish people would just let me experience it because I'm trying really hard to just give myself permission to have depression and be depressed while still trying to get through the day. I can't help it. It's not that I'm not trying. It's out of my control.
@Shimmy Shai
This is a good point, there isn't enough of the proper way to treat people going around.
There are a couple things. Some things do depend on the person, and if you know them well enough hopefully there will be some ways you can pick up on to be there for them.
The best thing to do, in my experience, is be as absolutely understanding as you can possibly be. Be accepting. Depressed people, including me, go down a terrible hole if we're hearing stuff like "you shouldn't be this way, you're not trying hard enough, you should be doing this, you should be doing that, etc etc"... Don't ever tell them what they should or shouldn't be doing, because if they had the ability, _they would do it_ .
So allow them to be where they are. Just sit with them, be with them, let them know there's nothing wrong with being stuck someplace darker, but remind them it's not forever. All passes away, the happy things and the hard things. So the better things will come; suggest that it helps to wait it out, that sometimes you really do just have to sit in where you are, sit in the storm, before it passes. Trying to stop it makes it worse.
On top of that, if you can, try to find little things you know will brighten them up. Add to their pile of good things. If you draw, draw something they'll like. Get a little gift for them. If their love language is physical touch, make sure to accommodate. Hugs, a touch on the shoulder, etc.
If they're asking you for help to get out of it, however, and they're hating on themselves, try to be there for them in the healthiest way you can, don't push them away, but you can suggest maybe little things like here why dont we have a treat yourself day, or do you need to talk through something, etc; but I think at that point you can also gently redirect them, maybe to a therapist, maybe a therapy video, because clinging to you ultimately is not in their best interest (though don't discourage it necessarily, just be there how you can.) But that's also a more particular instance. EDIT: I would actually say, no, let them cling to you for a bit, because they really need someone at that time and the last thing they need to hear is that you thing there's something weird with the way they are. So let them cling, but don't let them become co-dependent; pay them due attention, but don't compromise what is good and healthy if they ask for something that is not. Let them love you and need to be loved, but allow a boundary to remain there.
And also, very important, make sure to drill in the fact that you believe in them. Don't say, "you can overcome this, you're strong" because sometimes they're so low that maybe they don't want to be anymore. But try to get it across that you think they're amazing and capable and will be able to do anything one day, that they're worthwhile and good and enjoyable as a presence, and they're lovely and valuable.
This is what I can say at least. It probably isn't perfect but I think these are things I would find helpful the most.
@@mariastephens1827 good looking out!
This is so true. I hear this a lot where people say to get therapy and everything else except a therapist isn't going to help you but at the same time, when I saw people who really were on the verge of killing themselves, they never got help from any therapist. Like I get that therapists just want to sit there and listen but if someone who really needs it struggles to even adress the problem and just desperately needs help, they won't do anything for the person. At this point I really feel that therapy is just for rich people who just need someone to talk to, not for people who actually desperately need it because I have seen plenty of people who never got truly a help from therapists. So yeah, I agree with you. At this point I don't think it matters if the person has a licence or does things like they should, but as long as they can help someone, that's all that matters.
If one of your problems is "lack of meaning", you might want to talk to philosophers or theologians rather than therapists.
@@Foogi9000 Well, one thing I like to think is that, if the meaning of life was written on the sky for everyone to look up at and find out as soon as they were old enough to understand it, how boring would life be?
I do think there is a "real answer" but it's one you must seek for yourself, because if it was just handed to you, you would think it worthless and throw it away. If you win it through blood, sweat, and tears, then you'll appreciate it and never let it go. That's just our nature.
@@keepinmahprivacy9754 most philosophy just tells you options, giving you some stuff you CAN do so you no longer have no direction.
For real, or, just focus on one thing and run with it. Nobody has meaning if you think about it, but we give them meaning so if we give them meaning then people also give us meaning. It just depends fam.
@@keepinmahprivacy9754 I have heard this viewpoint before, but honestly to me, that makes little sense beyond the platitude.
Imagine anything else as the subject and you will likely see why. Perhaps someone wants to learn to play the guitar. So they tell you that they don't want to look up the chords or find songs to practice playing because knowing the chords and music would make it boring. Instead, they want to simply strum randomly until potentially they accidentally form a note that sounds remotely pleasing to the ear over and over.
Does that sound reasonable? Or does that sound like a recipe for absolute frustration? One can know what to do without taking away the fun of practicing, growing in skill, and even improvising on the core skills after some level of mastery.
If life had a purpose, knowing what it was would not diminish the effort and journey in fulfilling that purpose. Of course, there is no purpose. The only purpose is what an individual decides it to be, but again, making that decision does not diminish the journey or excitement or joy of pursuing whatever that ends up being for an individual.
@@shawn4110 Well, "purpose" and "meaning" are a bit different, since we can imagine having a meaningful purpose or a meaningless purpose, so they are distinct ideas.
But to address your argument, you can't just replace "meaning" with "any other subject", because meaning is a quite unique subject, unlike something as mundane as learning a skill, or even more artistic endeavors. So it's a category error and I don't think basing an argument on that kind of error will really tell us anything at all.
Now, you could be right that life wouldn't be boring or diminished if we all knew what the meaning of it was, but since we're not in that situation, we can only speculate. No matter what you speculate, since we're not likely to ever live in that world, then there's no way to know with much certainty. However, not being in such a world doesn't necessarily mean we are in a world without meaning either, since there remains the third possibility that we are in a world with some pre-existing meaning, and just don't begin life with knowledge of it. Unless you can discover that pre-existing meaning, I don't see how you could tell the difference between one world and the other. Even if you spent your whole life searching for it and didn't find it, it could always be that it was just sitting there under the one stone you didn't have enough time to turn over.
I’m curious about what “the thing that he was doing that wasn’t therapy” actually was.
botany and horticulture
Talking to his patients and building a rapport is what I think. The whole "remain completely neutral" way is total garbage if you ask me, the patient just sees you as a brick wall then. Talk to them and get to know them, all a lot of patients want is to just have someone friendly to talk to, not to spend hundreds of dollars on self reflection. I say this as a patient
Being human.
DBT helped me a lot. I'm Autistic and ADHD, and dealing with CPTSD from abuse, and the focus on actual strategies, tracking mood/sleep/general welfare, and coping mechanisms really helped me. It was like having a college course. There was even homework. I hope this person can find a therapist that can help them. IDK if DBT would help this person like it did me, but maybe it might.
Huh… I’m reading up on DBT and I actually think this is what my therapist was doing without naming it… those things definitely helped me as well as someone with ADHD and CPTSD as well.
"I don't know what you are doing, but I like it, and I want you to get help doing it better" might be one of the best *human* things I've heard in awhile. I work in the emergency room. I have worked there for nearly 6 years, non-clinical and then as a technician. Before I did I was terrified of accidently hurting someone, or the liability, now I am getting ready to go back to school for my RN. I feel a great deal of people feel hollow and directionless because they haven't gotten to see and experience different aspects of life. Most things I have a passion for are things I was initially terrified of even approaching doing. I was terrified of healthcare then I got to see someone bring relief to someone and I was instantly hooked. I was afraid of dressing complex wounds and splinting but after really giving it a try, and becoming proficient and seeing how much of a difference it makes I'd love to get a gig in urgent care patching people up. I really feel like people either don't have to opportunity or fear to truly broaden their horizons. The world and humanity is such a broad, expansive, and beautiful mess that it is hard for me to believe that there isn't something that could help nearly anyone feel fulfilled in a meaningful way. Just my thoughts, have a beautiful day!
Sounds like the general way therapists are trained would have driven me closer to the edge if I had gotten over myself and went. That would have been SO frustrating. Thank goodness family and friends were around to help me through.
My CBT therapist (who was a student using me for her coursework) told me to go and do the things I was struggling to keep up with, cleaning, coursework etc and said that would improve my mental health issues-which was anxiety and depression about my dad being diagnosed with cancer and fears/indecision about careers that had started to affect my ability to function. She knew all this and just told me to straight up "just go do the stuff and review next week". Quit after 4 sessions when she said we'd just keep doing the same thing.
Every encounter I've had with a therapist/counselor/psychologist/psychiatrist has been horrible. They used to lie to me as a child, because they thought my answers would help them in court. Then I had one who told me my entire life wasn't real, everything I felt was a lie, and that I had multiple personality disorder. Knowing what MPD is, and combining that with my background, I had a breakdown for over a decade -- I literally had other licensed shrinks telling me the guy was an idiot. But I wouldn't go around other people. I frankly hated everyone.
After much research, I've come to the conclusion that, though psychology can help some people, it's not based in science -- not entirely. There's no way to prove what's going on inside another person's head. The field is largely reliant on intuition, and reading several cases of people who'd been committed against their wills, and then released, or the numerous cases of people who had forced lobotomies, I came to the conclusion that though the field provides a service to the world, it's not as scientific as most people believe it to be. The DSM -- for example -- says it's not even authoritative enough to be used in court.
I literally had to pull myself up out of my problems, because I didn't trust shrinks. It took 10 years. I'm sorry, I know where this guy is coming from. Some therapists do more harm than good, and therapy -- as a field -- has been this way since it first started. Lobotomies. . . Electric shock. . . People being committed, and later being found to have nothing wrong with them. There's a reason courtrooms no longer take the word of therapists. You can usually find one who'll say whatever the heck you want them to say. And because you can't x-ray the mind, there's no proof one way or the other. The entire thing is a mismatch of power dynamics, where you're in a room with an "expert" and you're the idiot. Combine that with fear, guilt, technical jargon, and you start to believe what they say, simply due to suggestibility alone.
If therapy helps you, go for it, but being pushed to continue therapy when your therapist is in over their heads is detrimental to your health. Therapy isn't an empirical science. It's what's known as a "soft science." It's intuition based, not entirely logic based. Which means the answers you get aren't always true. They're suggestions of what might be true.
You got a lot of potential dude
@@D.KlWA-aG ..for what?
"I had a breakdown for over a decade -- I literally had other licensed shrinks telling me the guy was an idiot. But I wouldn't go around other people. I frankly hated everyone."
I've been here. And thought I was alone.
Dude started yelling in my face and when I phoned him up post-session to ask whether he was coming to attack me he said he would get back to me on that.
Ofcourse he never did initiate repair. He did end up actually getting a degree in Analytical Psychology later on. I hadn't really checked his credentials before.
I ultimately had to undo this "session" with a whopping two sessions of MDMA-therapy where my nervous system had to shake it all off rather violently.
Which is a lot... two full sessions of successful MDMA-therapy generally equals the processing of the shock of a typical single-occurrence rape.
I've had experiences with therapy that ranged from neutral to extremely negative. Watching this video basically confirmed to me that, even if I should ever be able to afford it again, my chances of finding a therapist that will actually be able to help me are slim to none. I kind of already knew that, but this drove the nail into the coffin.
I started looking specifically for therapists trained in ACT and that was really so extraordinarily helpful for me. I found one therapist that i lucked into who is just so good at actually helping with advice and questions and not just being at best like a good friend to vent to - she is going beyond that.
The most fundamental purpose of therapy: transfer wealth from client to therapist.
There's no incentive to solve client's problems.
There's incentive to make client think that therapy is worth the money.
The things that we recognize that our meanings of stuff and what we consider important will always differ, I can help you reorganize your thoughts to achieve a goal you presented to me, and maybe we could to an original detonant that shaped you from childhood, we can work to resignify an event and build a new meaning from what happened to you, buy i cannot tell you to live by my rules.
I’m so glad that dr. K has taken off so much. Such a fantastic addition to the team of people that entertain and teach us on UA-cam and twitch. Also connects us to our streamers more by making them more relatable and better understood.
Therapist: *cannot help you on his own*
You: *Cannot help you on your own*
Both: *therapy*
Good and important video! I have heard soo many people simply give up on therapy, because the therapists either don't listen to their patient, or they don't help
Can confirm, I've been to more than 15 therapists in my life (I honestly lost count), none of them really helped me. Only one of them had the decency of actually sending me off, as she had clearly no idea what to tell me. And I just gave up tbh.
But they get paid either way so why would they care? I’ve often questioned the morals of taking peoples money to help them with their problems and getting paid whether you help them or not. I’m not talking about all therapists just “bad ones” I guess. But Seriously when it feels like they aren’t even interested in helping you how could someone like that sleep at night? Genuinely unsettling to me.
that really sucks. Some people that just get to be of no help or do more harm than good for people in need of help and just get paid for it.
Just sucks. Idk why i’m here, i’m just some random 12 yr old reading a buncha complex stuff on yt but I am intrigued by ur story
I never had success in therapy. From age 10 to end of 17. I ended up leaving it because after that long I learned exactly what they were doing and could do that myself for myself, but that didn't really help me. I went to therapy because I was sitting at the edge, and I had no way of being okay (what I mean is I didn't have any clue of how to be in a stable position). The only real thing I took from it was to find my own thing that motivated me, to just cope.
I'm just about 21 now and still struggle incredibly. It's rough, but I've grabbed onto something where I can just cope and be somewhat okay. I still approach that edge a lot and it's always in my vision but I always step back. Not for me, for those I love who'd be devastated to watch me go and knowing I thought about them to the end. That is traumatic and I know trauma all too well, I can't inflict that on someone else.
I do wish I could actually get past it but I don't have a way to do that and I can't just get a way to do that. So my entire life from what I can remember is just passing myself off to someone I care about to make them happy because I can't do it for myself. It's miserable, but it's all I can do. I've tried and tried to no avail and still continue to try. And at this point it's so ingrained into who I am that I don't think I ever will. My formative years filled to the brim with hospitalization, repeated trauma, and just overall shit that kept me so close the edge.
For all intensive purposes, I am better but at the same time I'll forever be sitting on that edge. The feeling itself is traumatic in a way, as much as I can talk freely about it. I'm aware of everything I can't fix and that I'm not really controlled by it, it hurts but it always will. I just have to increase that threshold of what it takes to get me over that edge and I might eventually feel somewhat okay in comparison.
PTSD and anxiety are a diffetent story though and I struggle with those far more. I don't wake up covered in bruises with a sore throat as often but sometimes I do still wake from a dream because I punched or kicked something. I still see certain situations and clench up.
I can talk to people to a degree but not much more than before. I've less periods of being mute but I still get them. It doesn't impact me to the point of missing 400+ school days in high school, but I still panic and freak easily. I don't take being yelled at silently and cry in my room all night, but speaking up causes severe panic attacks where I get ever closer to tearing open my arms.
There isn't much *I* can do about it but I manage to stay alive and enjoy the times I get to be happy. I hit a point where therapy doesn't help. I know myself so well, even if solid memories as they are now started at 12. I know every reason for each thing I do and why, I know it to a point where I've only met one or two others who are the same. And I still struggle. I don't know how *others* function, I don't know what options there are.
I'm reliant on someone else to care what happens to me and if I ever lost that I would pass. And that sucks to say, but as much as I've been through I still have *Something*
*For all INTENTS AND purposes. 🙄
I'm so glad you brought this up and with so much honesty. This is the reason I quit therapy after 15+ years of it. I've been struggling with issues related to my autism, adhd, as well as borderline, OSDD, eating disorders, anxiety and hypersexuality due to trauma. I'm 34 and never been able to work. I just wanna be able to reach a baseline of functionality. Been going to therapy since I was 16, up until a few months ago, and I never felt helped by it.
Eventually I started figuring out what I needed to do to improve my life situation, but it most certainly didn't just come to me. I found out through watching coaching and fitness type videos on youtube. UA-camrs like "Alpha M" and Greg Doucette screaming at their cameras that "try harder, stop making excuses, this is how you set up a plan, etc" was what finally taught me what I need to do to get better. It was always seemingly successful male coaches, or self-proclaimed coaches, with advice aimed at men. I'm female but this made me realize why therapy never worked for me. It assumed something about me I could never relate to. I don't wanna say I'm "not like other girls" but for whatever reasons I just function mentally more similar to that of the average guy. Venting about my feelings is just not helpful for me. That just makes me feel worse about my situation. I'm solution-focused.
That said I absolutely don't think therapy in itself is useless or a bad thing. I've read up a bunch on various psychiatric theories that help me analyze my issues, gain a better understanding of them and find solutions through that. For example I've done a lot of shadow work by myself, ie some of Carl Jung's old theories. I've done what's essentially exposure therapy on myself, I've taken aspects of DBT, and so on. Also I think a lot of therapists would agree that getting healthy habits with diet, exercise, sleep, etc does generally have a positive impact on one's mental health.
Also I totally understand that therapy does work for some people and that's great. It's just that for myself I don't think it does. But most importantly, me saying that therapy doesn't work for me does NOT mean I think I'm a hopeless case. A difficult one, absolutely, as I've a bunch of comorbity and complex trauma issues, but I've a lot of confidence that I can find ways to live a happy, healthy life despite all that.
I think all I really need to do is establish those healthy routines and balance between hard work and escapism, practice socializing, plus properly process my past trauma, all of which I've currently been in the process of working on for the past 5-6 years. I'm also coming off a medication for my moodswings that I've been on for 10 years, despite still having issues with my anger, because suppressing my true feelings is not ever going to help me actually find healthy ways to channel them. I still got a long way to go though, so I'm often told that I "should get therapy" and people get concerned when I reject that idea, knowing I'm capable enough of essentially being my own therapist.
I kinda hate that it's become the assumption that therapy is the one and only solution to mental health issues. Yet I still kinda feel bitter and hold grudges over that therapy can't give me what I need. It sometimes feels like I've been scammed. I can't help that. This perpetuated idea that if I didn't feel helped, I was just going to the wrong therapist, making me just spend even more time and money on something that would never have been worth it for me. I don't feel like most therapists are being honest about what they actually can and can't do, or will and won't do.
That's what pisses me off, I think. Not what the therapy profession is really all about, but the dishonesty and deceit. If I'm paying for a service or professional help, I should have a right to know what I'm really buying, no?
Therapy still helped you. It made you realize it doesn't work for you and it pushed you to look for alternatives which you have seemed to find. Well in 15 years of Therapy I think you have had all the right to knock aggressively on the table and assert that this shit is not working let's just try something else . I am an aspiring therapist by the way...if you were my client I would have appreciated were I to receive that kind of feedback from you 😅
Therapy is kind of like having a personal trainer. I can show you what exercises to do and guide you through them, but you have to be the one to do the work. I can't make your muscles stronger, but I can show you how you can work on that for yourself. For instance, in the case of ACT, I can tell you what acceptance is and how it can apply to things you can't change, but I can't turn on any "acceptance" switch in your head. I can show you the importance of identifying and committing to valued behavior, but I can't tell you what your values are. Sometimes people seem to come to therapy expecting to have their minds blown by some revealed mystery of the universe. But sometimes you might already know what you need to know and you might not have to "learn" something per se, but maybe you need help with implementing the things you know and maintaining those positive behaviors even in adversity. Simply knowing what you need to do doesn't make anything change, but actually doing it does. Simply knowing that you need to exercise and diet won't make you lose weight, but doing it every day might. So, knowing the importance of mindfulness and active behaviors doesn't make you less depressed, but practicing those things every day might. I try to help clients come to their own conclusions of what's right for them. But, if there's an option I think could maybe be helpful but it hasn't occurred to them, I might ask them if they've considered it. But I won't tell them, "Do this." It's not my place to give commands, but I help them figure out what's best for them
Thank you. Lots of commenters here devaluing or not understanding the collaborative process or the unique relationship developed within the boundaries of a therapeutic relationship. So many of these complaints have to do with poor fit between therapist and client. Of course, not everyone is a good candidate for therapy or they may be precontemplative so early stages of therapy are relationship building at best. If you don’t feel like you could develop trust with your therapist, find a different one. And if you’re unwilling to commit to changing your behavior, therapy is not going to help.
Sometimes therapy can help a person move toward change, but that can be a bit slow and frustrating.
@@smurfrise I completely agree with the both of you. People going to therapy should not be expecting to gain instant results or directions to their problems. Therapists can only give general advice as it is not professional to be too intimate with their clients, nor will it be good for the client's sake. Third parties can see everything, and that is the role that a therapist must continue to abide by. They are more truthful and blunt compared to personal relationships, as said people in personal relationships may abstain from harsh critiques to avoid hurting the client's feelings. I see many commenters claiming that therapy does not work as the therapist is not willing to help. More than 'not willing to help', it is more of 'this is the most they can help with'. I believe that most of these commenters require more personal help than a therapist's, like friends and family, or coaches. But the most important thing is to talk to themselves and figure out what is wrong, and try whatever that may be beneficial to their mental health. It is a harsh truth, but no therapist nor friend can help them if they cannot look within themselves and be willing to accept reality.
I am glad to find someone who had such a clear understanding of what the therapeutic process is more like! I am starting to get the impression that, despite how much better informed people are nowadays in regards to mental health, there is still a significant amount of prevalent myths regarding psychological therapy. And what happens when quite a few of the people who hear these myths go to see the therapy for themselves (especially when it's with a bad therapist)? Disappointment, which then they speak to others about and inadvertently perpetuate the lack of understanding regarding psychological therapy.
At least...that's how I see it. Maybe we need better general explanation of what the therapeutic process entails and how it differs from "talking with a friend" or "venting to my barber/bartender". It's...only getting more frustrating and disheartening to see and hear as the years go by.
When all your patient needs to be motivated to commit to daily practice of what they know is best,
is a command from you...
but you refuse because it "is not your place" and you want to avoid responsibility.
Well, there is of course, "Solution Focused Brief Therapy" (SFBT) which does take an "answers" approach, still allowing room for a patient's individuality - with over 70 empirical studies on its effectiveness. It's not for everyone, but therapy (and the therapist) needs to match the patient's needs.