An Ugly Yet Healing Truth About Narcissists
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- Опубліковано 19 вер 2024
- When you repeatedly push back against a narcissist, pleading your case or arguing or defending, you inadvertently illustrate your struggles to come to terms with the truth about a narcissist's dysfunction. Dr. Les Carter reminds you of a major ugly truth about narcissism, and while that might seem depressing, it can actually become the beginning point for your healthy adjustments.
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What helped me the most was when I realized that it isn't personal. I wasn't being singled out for abuse; they treat EVERYONE the same, eventually. Even their flying monkeys who are the most loyal and obedient aren't exempt from abuse by the narcissist and will be treated with contempt if they stick around long enough. That alone helped me to begin the process of healing because I could stop wondering (or rather obsessing over) what the heck was wrong with ME and accept that I am not the problem - there is actually something very wrong with THEM. 🙂
💜💜💜
@@RN-gx7wt In my personal experience they eventually turn on everyone, regardless of relationship type. The only ones they treat differently are strangers but even that is dependent on the situation. Once anyone "disrespects" them, the gloves (mask) come off.
@@chelleb3055 your response to R N has been my exact same experience as well.
🌿
@@AlwaysStampinVideos I believe most of us will find this to be the case. When I sat back and thought about this pattern of behavior I was able to clearly see the narcs in my life. Until then, I was swimming in self doubt and desperately trying to fix myself because I was so sure I was broken and somehow bringing this upon myself! It was quite the revelation and a real turning point for me.
This is what ultimately made me leave.. it wasn’t the abuse.. it wasn’t anything he was doing.. that stuff DID reach some pretty horrific places.. but what made me leave was that I did NOT like who I was becoming with him. I found myself starting to turn into a mirror of him & I just couldn’t live with that anymore. Hope this helps someone, save yourself, they are not going to change - they might actually end up changing YOU
So accurate!
I really agree with you. It is the realization that you are becoming him that hits home. Absolutely awful.
Last line hits different. If you grow up with narc family members they do end up changing you. Affirming the negative traits and discrediting the positive traits.
Wow. I've never really thought about it that way, but it's so true! Thank you so much for shining a light on that aspect of the abuse.
Same
Be done! Not mad, not bothered, just DONE! Protect yourself.
Yes.
One ugly truth about the narcissist is that they never apologize for the things they've done crazy they just go on trying to get back in your life like nothing happened like it was all your fault.
After years of studying narcissism, I can confess , wholeheartedly and genuinely, the discard is the BIGGEST COMPLIMENT. It's SO miserable to remain in the presence of these people even for a little while. I am now at PEACE. I have strong boundaries. They see me, they run the other way ! Good.
Get out of my way.
You are fortunate
What a beautiful phrase.
" You can stand in the better alternatives that the narcissist cannot join you in... love, decency, mercy, kindness, and peace and joy. And when you do, you can lay claim to the ingredients that give life meaning"
A feeling of intense calm came over me as you said this.
Very pleased!
Totally those are places you’ll never meet them. That’s why you left gradually, and one by one those healthy places… You couldn’t meet him or her here!
@@SurvivingNarcissism 🧡
@@SurvivingNarcissism One of the things that has helped me the most, aside from the kind thoughts on channels like this, is a Buddhist way of thinking.
To paraphrase:
'If someone offends you, and you don't accept it - who does it belong to?'
It can be applied to anything...insults, rage, lies, mocking and more.
@Papi
They are spiritually impoverished
Narcissistists bring out the worst in me , and then they weaponize it against me
"There are some things in life that can't be fixed." Thanks for this reminder and saying that it's normal to have loose ends or unresolved business at the end of one's life.
Word
Walking away makes it resolved, and saves the recipient of past trouble with a Narcissist future chaos. No matter the relationship, Nobody has aright of any kind to destroy another’s life and future. A relationship with them is a very exhaustive one, even for a very compassionate, patient soul.
Yes,.the man I thought I'd marry ( he asked!) turned out to be inhuman. His old bestie told me he does this crap to everyone. For the longest time, I was devastated. Now I'm at peace. It wasn't personal.
In all the words of tongue and pen,
the saddest are "it might have been." I forget where I read that.
That is the truth you finally have to accept: there are bad people in the world. This runs so contrary to everything we are taught as children - that there are no bad people just bad choices, actions, etc. Turns out this just isn’t true and although actually bad people are a relatively small percentage of the population, they are real and do exist and they are narcissists and psychopaths - who should be avoided if at all humanly possible.
People tend to think these people are in jails but no.. They are CEOs and run the world.
@@taraarrington2285 Or they're your parents 😅
i don’t think toxic people make up a small number, i don’t know the number. i just know it’s enough that you have to realize people have different intentions, and not always good.
@@joanna0988 yes
@@bagels3050 I agree. There is so much trauma and damage here on earth that most people will have some toxic traits. For me my trauma shows up as overdoing and self sacrifice so I may not really hurt others as much as an abuser but I hurt myself and enable bad behavior in others. I'm in therapy for that and I'm now aware of it but part of my issue is what allowed to me be abused by narcissists.
Dr. C, it's really hard not to mourn the years spent loving and caring for an individual who used you from the start. I think about all of the positive things I could have been doing instead of catering to a lunatic. I did get the shaft - over and over and over again and saw the red flags but was utterly manipulated. Well, I've left the narcissist and created a wonderful, peaceful life for myself. Now at least I can say that if I died tomorrow, I went out with peace in my soul instead of torment. Thank you for all you do for us.
Good for you Natalie - your words have brought me joy ❤ for your sake. Congratulations on finding your wings!
Amen Natalie ❤️
It's absolutely worth grieving over! You invested a lot into that relationship, and followed your instinct to try and fix the problems before giving up on it. It's not your fault that things didn't work out. Could you have done it differently? Probably, and it's good to be aware of that, though nothing you could have done would have helped enough, because YOU were not creating or sustaining the conflict. Much love to you!
Congrats! It’s awesome isn’t it!?
❤❤❤
The sad thing is these pathetic people latch on to the best , most unsuspecting people they can find to marry, thus putting a stranglehold on and ruining their lives , too.
One of the harshest realities to accept after an abusive relationship with a narcissist has ended is that "it was nothing personal." You loved this person and their abuse of you was nothing personal. It was just your turn.
Wow! Thanks for sharing. So true ....
Yes, and when you’re very young and naive sometimes it’s all the more easier for them to trap you, which could seem like a lifetime!
Yes, it is a relief and yet really insulting that you gave the other person love and trust and they were just going through their circle and you were just present there, but nobody to them.
It was just my turn. That's a great way to put it. Well, I'm out of the game now and I don't care who takes my place.
Yep
That is the ultimate Betrayal in my eyes. every time that I lighten up I find it gets rammed right down my soul that they have not even noticed the need to change something just to be part of the 'team' they imagine that we are on with them, work , family, same same. I still get my heart broken daily when my kids do one thing and say they will do something and then they just forget and are doing whatever leaving me hanging with the balance of the work. 3 Adult kids still living on the farm here. Chores are optional right??? Not so much....I am developing a separate life within my life that pleases me and does not always include anyone but the dog, cats and my goats... they are more reliable LOL.
Dr. C recently replied to a comment of mine, where I was wondering if I had caused this in her somehow. His response actually brought me a great deal of healing. In essence, he noted that her path would have been the same, whether I was involved or not.
The ugly truth was simply that she was who she was, and would be who she would be. It wasn’t about me at all.
Edited to clarify that I was the one wondering, not him.
You are so on target, Aaron!
@@SurvivingNarcissism {grin} You’re the one on target. I just try to listen and understand. I’m ready for more, looking forward to next stream already.
I am happy that you found,thanks to him the thuth.Is is nothing to do with you,is them and is sick,not you,but they have to project themselves into you and that also confuse you and is what they want,for YOU to carry THEIR shame!😡
0 contact,if you can love.💪😘
@@mariadiez7165 YES
Aaron its true. She was going to walk that path whether you were there or not. they all chose that path a long time ago - before we ever met them.
Plan quietly and run from the narcissist! Give no warning. They are dangerous.
I came to the realisation that I had to do this after my brother moved into the family home full time. It was the hardest thing to do, but the right thing. I made no drama....just said I'd be living elsewhere. He was trying to destroy me, slowly, insipidly, and I realised the extent of it when I overheard the way he speaks to my mother about me. Wow. So shocking....but I woke up!
@@papi9114 , stay safe. These people are very angry and DANGEROUS.
Yes!!! Had to ghost them no warning
@@jolesliewhitten6545 🧡 Thankyou x
@@papi9114 , blessings!
I'm continuing to live with DIGNITY RESPECT and CIVILITY and I'm embracing my peace of mind
#TeamHealthy
💐🙏🎯
To my brothers and sisters who grew up with a narrsistic parent. We will heal, we will grow, we will find meaningful relationships, we will find peace, dignity, strength, purpose, love, acceptance, salvation in heaven with God!!
My siblings are going to be devastated if they ever connect the dots.
Physical boundaries are also important. My husband took over every space in the house and had made me feel like I don’t deserve space. He wanted a new large shed and told me half of it would be a woodwork shop we both use. This was a lie and he didn’t even give me the one shelf I asked for. We’re selling the house and he’s cleaned out 99.9% of his stuff from the other shed and still refused to give me the space I need to move my stuff out there so I can deep clean an emptier house. He’d throw my bedding off the bed occasionally if it went on his side of the bed. Over the last few years I’ve carved out some areas for myself and he raises it when he needs something to add to an argument, I’m talking a kitchen cupboard where he has 3 to himself already. I’m getting excited about my future home and my space being mine and feeling like I belong there.
Oh My! This is something I experienced too and that became worse when I started pulling away before finally breaking free. I will come back and share more about this because it was psychopathic behavior!
@@themoontoonshines923 I had no idea as it’s so subtle. I’ve done a lot of research on decluttering and found out about clutter thresholds and everyone’s threshold for it (how much clutter can you handle and manage in your life) is different. However this goes beyond that and pushes you out of living a healthy life in your own space. I learnt not to say anything about it. Enjoy your new life and place of your own!
Wow! you've just cracked it for me.I had never given it a thought till now.My Narc hubby has 90% of the closet to himself, filled with stuff,some which he barely uses.It's ridiculous 😀
@@Rolhgty So glad I could help you with it. You feel suffocated without being able to put a reason to it. My husband is a hoarder so it was impossible to get space. I hope you can put a boundary in for half the space but be prepared for it to be used against you even though it’s reasonable. I asked and asked for space to no avail. In the end I said because you have taken over this space, I’ll need space in this room and he still did nothing. I had to make the space myself and move his stuff as well as I could. I say his areas have 3D carpet or floors. It’s an Olympic hurdling event to get anywhere in a room and I celebrate if I haven’t hurt myself or tripped over something. If you want a great decluttering channel, Dana K White is brilliant. A narc won’t want to declutter but it will bring you sanity with your areas.
Oh well done. I pray you will really enjoy your new space. Bless you
I showed mercy to the narcissist for 30 years. I was a faithful and devoted wife. He repaid me by discarding me on FB with a Filippino female, 35 years younger than him and our children's age. He used the phone I was paying for to declare his love and adoration for her. Something he NEVER did for me. THAT is what I got for my mercy. So, just as some are not redeemable, some are not deserving of mercy.
Ugly AND Healing truth: It’s UGLY that you have to distance yourself from your mother and family but HEALING to avoid ongoing Manipulations of You.
me too
I wish my bf would get this through his head his mamm is a narcissistic so are his two brothers my own father is one and my aunt who was more like a bad older sister to me butnacjn the I just loved her so much I accepted all the abuse I went completely NC with her 15 years ago and she stilntried todestroy me but God has carried. Me away and blessed me with Miracles his whole family is jealous and envious of us it's 🤮 I pray yku understand and choose yourself and your healing inundsrstand it's your mom UT absolutely breaks my heart my dad is a nrc but they are nevr goin to change I also had to go NC with gim he was. Grooming my daughter exactly as he did me and I felt torn about thaybchoice and it hurt get but I only did it to protect her and Even myself but really her felt guilty because he spoiled her but he was grooming hr to take his abuse and possibly she would turn to unhealthy ways of living like I did to push down all the pain indidnt even realize it at the time I have to break the generational curse I pray we choose ourselves and children and put our peace and tolerate absolut5 no abuse and establish boundaries and enforce them and practice Grey rock or impose jut go completely MC if possible it's really the best way but sometimes if you have children or other circumstances where total NC isn't possible you have to establish boundaries and enforce them
I am and was in the same place. It was a WONDERFUL achievement when I at last was able to give up on my father. And I don't ever want to go back on it, because he still manages to sneak in being a prick towards me, during moments when I am a bit unguarded and forget and actually make some connection with him, as opposed to the psychological distance that I have since maintained with him (and that has been so utterly fantastic). During these moments ...where I have forgotten my self and reverted to the past where there existed some semblance of a healthy relationship with him... he has still had to power to hurt me. And, as a result, it just serves as a little reminder that I am not only completely doing what I am supposed to do, by shutting him out (other than being basically polite towards him) ...but that also he truly is a prick. Plain and simple. And for years and years, I never wanted to acknowledge it.
" Love, decency, mercy, kindness...and Peace and Joy. You can stand in that ..." That's exactly what I ( try to) do. Very validating statement. Thank you.
Stand with me, Wendy!
I have been intensely grieving this morning about how wasted all the effort I put into a relationship that was so easily discarded by my father. This was a very timely video. Thank you for all you do.
Thanks, Erika. You're why I do these videos!
I’m so sorry, you will feel better after that gut cry…😢
It is very cleansing and helps you to move on. Be strong sister!🦋🦋🦋
They can't really be your father if they never bothered to really know and value you, for you. You are more valued here by "strangers on the internet" than by the animal called "Dad".
You are absolutely right about wasting time and energy on a narcissist. I wish I could go back and reclaim those days plus reclaim my sanity. 😔
It's a stunning feeling -- when a parent (sometimes a parent whom YOU have taken large chunks out of your life doing elder care for) just ... tosses your entire relationship aside like it never even existed. It's really, really hard 😪
As sobering & uncomfortable as this truth may be, it's also liberating. Acknowledging that this person/people cannot be helped or healed (no matter how much you give or try) can be a pathway to tranquility.
Yup. The truth sets us free. Doesn't preclude the fact that our love and intent were not sincere or real. They're just fabulous actors playing a part (in the movie, 'life') and we are the props! Wife. Check. Kid. Check. Dog. Check. House. Check. Divorce. Check (read makes them appear normal!) It's all about blending in. Important for us to go very slowly when dating after recovering from this sort of relationship. Like months slowly. Don't ignore the red flags no matter how disappointed it makes us.
The words soberingand uncomfortable, are what I feel about this. There are timeswhenI thinkitwas my faultfor not seeing this coming. I go through upsanddowns with this feelingof having failed. Hearing others like yourself express it gives mehope that I am not alone and remindsmeof the goodness I have in my heart. Thank you for your post!
@@richardhowe3951 And thank you. I can understand the feeling of failure. It took me several years to understand that some matters like these 'simply are,' even in spite of us. The situation can be sad to think about, but we can be thankful that given wisdom and awareness, we don't have to suffer or exist in the world of Narcissism.
@@janeydoe1403 Agreed. I don't think Narcissists and their abuse can dilute the facts of pure love & compassion (despite their inability to comprehend or appreciate it). They're 'actors' indeed, not to mention very perplexing individuals. Our gained knowledge and experience can help guide us through, and on to healthier futures.
@@krs1602 I'm sorry I ever had to look up the word in the first place, 5 years ago, after a interest post from a child had a page full of narcissitic relationships with mother, father, siblings, in laws you name a close family relationship, she was gathering info. As an empath, how is all this hate possible from my child? I know we did not raise them under optimum conditions, but once aware, I stopped looking back, only forward. He's still fighting this break up, thinking I'll give in and give up. Not gonna happen, the more alone time I create now with no contact, except through an email, he can't fudge with an email exchange. Be safe. My next move is to stop talking about "it" our situation, his continued abilities to infiltrate my life, no accountability required by him according to the law. It's all because a marriage certificate turns all matters into civil, not criminal. The ignorance of so many around this is crazy. I wouldn't even recommend calling a hotline. First call is okay, downhill from there. Sorry so long!
" I deserve better " I like that , makes me feel good. Thank you Dr. Carter.
And it's true!!
OMG. Dr. Carter. What a wonderful genuine loving man you are. Almost all of us here needed a dad like you or husband!!!!. What a treasure you are. Thank you ❤️
Thanks for your kind regards.
Agreed lovely ❤️💐agreed☀️🙏
Check out his dog. Dog is super calm.
I have a dad comparable to Dr C, who I appreciate more every day. My current partner also has this level of integrity and compassion. Even so, it's utterly comforting to know that Dr C existsx and that he's one more person who's made himself available to us!
Yes - Dr. Carter is amazing and just what we needed.
Thank you Doctor. I'll never forget how in my developmental "pre-teens" (12yrs old, and beyond) my Dad (when he was around) was so strangly "competitive" with me that he would put me down and belittle me in front of strangers and friends. Put me down and make himself look "big" by minimizing me. He's 94 and I'm 61, and I still can't trust him to not try to "sabatage" and belittle me (and family). Up until I found these videos, I STILL thought my job was to "please" him. You've changed my life, and just in time for my last 20yrs (I hope) to be about my own life and somewhat "normal". I grieve for all the years I wasted being his "tool". Always being the family "goat".
What a wasted amount of life spent chasing his unattainable approval. That "approval" was always reserved for my younger "brother" his "real son" the selfish tyrant. I can't remember a single time he showed up for any of my baseball games, or any positive words of any of my successes. Just an abusive bully who ruled the family by "fear". Now, finally, I understand the abuse.
Best of all I'm able to identify it in others now and protect myself. Wish we had this info 50yrs ago.
get out before they retire. they are now full time the boss of your every move
what he said toward the end - you have to accept that some people are unredeemable and let it go. thats really hard. and its not personal. they treat everyone the same way - actually its a backhanded compliment. you are so much stronger than they are that you need to be taken out and sunk like a battleship. but they'll never tell you that. they'll never let on how much they actually admire you because it comes out with so much vitriol and venom. they are visceral in the damage they hand out because thats how deeply they hate themselves.
@@RN-gx7wt 😆😆😆😆its hard if you actually care about that person. if you are a narc who never allows things to affect your heart, its very easy to walk away. no one matters in a narc's reality. I knew it was gonna be you who responded to that comment. strong people attract narcs like moths to a flame. my Light shines thru my words. evidently my points have struck home with you and you think my comments are directed torward you. guilty conscience perhaps? maybe you should talk to the doc about that. 🤷
Yes! “Healthy pessimism”, so to speak, can save all of us a lot of aggravation and disappointment! At this point in my life with all I’ve been through, I think it’s incredibly constructive to recall some experiences with some people so you don’t get burned a second time. Thanks Dr C! Hi to Gus
absolutely. you dont go thru training to not do what you've learned when you're in the field. 😉 every experience is a learning experience. or it should be.
@gemma........ yep makes perfect sense...I love the part about not sharing all the finer details of your life...being excited about accomplishing some of your future goals is important. And Narcs in general could two craps about your accomplishments unless of course they can one upmenship you. Shalom.
I think you're right. ...I prefer a 'split personality' analogy, perhaps; whereby I can be an optimist about people being basically good, but still then switch when I need to, when I encounter a toxic person, who is deliberately out to be an a hole.
Thing is, in time you forget what you went through. That and the lies these people will tell you, They gaslight you and so on and so forth. In the spirit of love, you want to say the past needs to stay in the past. They just won’t let it. I have made the mistake of thinking we are past the bad times, when in fact, they never were. I have learned, you can never trust them again….. took me 40 years. I know you cannot fix this. I have had to place it in Gods hands. It’s beyond my skill set. The emotional toll has been devastating. If I’m going to live in peace, that’s part of the equation I have to let go of.
I keep thinking of the Bizzarro World episode of Seinfeld. Of course that won't mean anything to some people in this community, but most of that show's characters have a decent degree of narcissism. In the Bizzarro World episode, everything is opposite--sometimes by choice, sometimes by chance--and the world shifts in surprising ways. With narcissists, Bizzarro World can be a useful method of coping. "Healthy pessimism" is a concept that fits quite well.
My narcissistic wife is recently addicted to therapy. I don’t find it’s doing a thing. In fact, she seems to be the victim more than ever.
I feel she uses her addiction as a pedestal of some sort, almost to say “look at me, I’m better than you because I do group therapy…. on a zoom call.” She has also told me she actually doesn’t participate, just listens in.
It breaks my heart to know that soon, our son will be growing up in separate households. But I can’t take this abuse anymore. I want to live a life of love and respect. Not lies, threats and intimidation.
She is probably lying, rewriting history, and getting lots of fake victim sympathy from new strangers that don’t know her at all. The real litmus test is what her relationships are like with people that have known her for long periods of time. I feel ya!!!
Have you watched of any Dr. Ramani's videos? She's the other expert in narcissism that I trust fully.
@@HankFabulous she's good too. I like them both.
The fact is that you will be a better person away from the turmoil and the kid will find you again if they have any huts pa what so ever. My nephews found their dad again and it will come around for you. The kid will KNOW why you had to go and probably already does even if they are only 6 or so. I knew things at 4 years old but I am a watcher by nature. She will turn the attention onto the kid and they will know, you can be the refuge and rock they need so be it.
Therapy is supply to a narcissist.
I learned that if I expected nothing I wouldn't be disappointed. But I gave that up when I left and began to expect good things, good people, good situations, good opportunities to learn and to better myself. That was a much better strategy.
Supposedly, this mindset is why the Danes are consistently the happiest people in the world! They are not disappointed, but happily surprised.
It isn’t my responsibility to control his temper.
Give them up to God. No more begging for basic decency and maturity from someone hell bent on cruelty. It’s not my job to “fix” another grown adult, or to make their choices for them.
It’s in God’s hands. Always was.
God ALWAYS creates a greater good from all evil - including narcissists and narcissism
That’s where this podcast comes in
What helped me was me. Once I resigned myself to the fact that I was not put on this earth to win a popularity contest, I freed myself.....
Great perspective, Amanda!
That was a good comment, thank you🎉
@@dm3144 Just being honest. I got fed up of trying to please others although I do bend over backwards to help people. Plus, I now don't give recognition to those who actively seek it but always give praise where it is due. Take care 🙂
When finally, I stopped hoping things could be better, and just disengaged emotionally, my sense of humor and ability to get excited by new projects returned. An interest in learning new things, meeting new people, etc., also returned, but it took several years to work through it all.
Omg same 😢
This needles them the most! A narc hates it when people around them are happy/content without them.
To deal with the low self-esteem and shame I've experienced with a narc, after failing so many times to try to get that person to try empathy, I gave up. I'm restoring my soul by praying the 14 Stations of the Cross every day. That person can not take away the new found peace I've found as Jesus heals my heart, mind and soul.
The best thing that has happened to me has been learning about narcissism and having to accept those who have the traits. It has made my life so much better as I can finally choose to get off their ride and stop trying to fix myself to improve those relationships as that was never going to work! Now I can truly work on myself, not as the problem but to learn the things I was never taught about how to truly live MY life and shed the lessons they taught me that had me living for THEM! I'm so thankful, despite the pain, anger and confusion that I still am working through, but now I'm experiencing those as part of my authentic life❤️❤️❤️
get off their ride. yes. that. perfectly said. ❤🔥❤🔥❤🔥❤🔥 I'm gonna remember that one because I usually just focus on how its MY ride and I get to live how I want. but we have to get off their ride first. 💛
This is so well said. 🙌🏼 Thanks for sharing!! 😊
I started to make progress when I realized it was arrogant of me to think I could change my relationship with a narcissist. Like Dr. Carter said, some things just are what they are, and we are too what we are.
Thanks, as ever, Dr C. I am inspired by your kindness. It is a key to cracking the code of my soul.🙏🏼
Yes!
What is still difficult for me is that my narc guilts me into feeling as though I am selfish for trying to make myself most important.
Like I saw somewhere on a post or meme online," Narcissists have a problem for every solution" 🙃😊
Well stated!
Thank you for this video. I became a much better, happier person and found out how many lovely, nice people there are in the world, since I’m on my own.❤ Getting out of their very distorted world was an eyeopener.
💔❤️❤️❤️🙏😊
When he says" You have to become pessimistic " I almost dropped my phone because after starting to watch Dr. Carter's videos about a month ago I came to the realization that I was wasting my time trying to have a relationship with the narcissis in my life. I became pessimistic and said " To hell with him" the narcissis in my life.😊
Beyond redemption.
That sounds like the best synonym for narcissism.
@@punam2151 toddlers
I have spent almost all of my marriage trying to figure out how to solve the twisted relationship I've been living with my husband. And like you say, it came down to realizing that it's just something that cannot be fixed. I have put so much into the relationship that nothing that I did or say ever helped to improve it. I finally realized that I had abandoned myself as a person. Now I realize that the most important thing in my life is me. I'm in the process of healing at this moment, thank you for such valuable advice. By the way, I love your 🐶.
Stay strong, on team healthy!
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." And then there is...An old Japanese Proverb: "Fall down 7 times, get up 8". Never give up. "The journey of a million miles begins with a single step." Keep learning. By being here, listening to Dr. Carter, know that you have taken a big step forward. Knowledge is Power, and people like Dr. Les Carter will help you learn to take the best steps forward.
"Some people are beyond redemption, but that does not have to include... you". Dr. Carter's push-pull scenario of trying to get them to change. I confess I've done this for 33 years. Now, I'm drawing back and this talk confirms my decision to do so. I really loved her to a fault because of my lack of knowledge. This talk is priceless. Thanks Dr. Carter. P.S... And yes, I've suffered spiritually, mentally, and physiologically (migraines).
Another interesting truth I find out about narcissist women around me is: they usually have zero chance to meet good men:) no matter how hard they try to attract attention, their personal life is usually about dramas of breaking up relationships or endless divorce:) however, this could only enhance their narcissism.
I am on that journey and letting my family go and I like it.Also makes me feel free and able to move forwards for MYSELF and now, I am making plans for ME and the rest of MY life.
Thank you so much Dr Carter 😊
Look after the most important person in your life,yourself! 💪😘
Good for you Maria! 👍 You are No.1!
Good luck, Maria, this is EXACTLY what I am going through right now too!!
Thank you very much and good lick to your all. 😘😘😘😘💪
Exactly! Me too! It's WORTH IT.
I'm on the same path Maria
Instead of hoping to survive
I'm looking to the future mindfully
protecting my heart, mind and soul.
Not giving them the control...
Best of future blessings to you...
You have done it again! Wow the phrase ‘some people are beyond redemption’ was most helpful. It’s changed my life.thank you.
You are quite welcome.
Some people are so broken in the soul that they cannot act as a human being.
Yes, I do like the person I am becoming. Smarter, more resourced, more strategic and more capable of keeping narcissists in their place so that others don't have to suffer what I did because I refused to walk away as most do.
How many inches are you going to give up before you realize that in giving them what they want and walking away will lead to you losing everything? Draw the line where you will stand your ground to the death at the first inch, not your last.
"Some people are beyond redemption." Well said Dr. C.
@Tracy Smith There is though a point of no return. A person must feel truly sorry for their behavior for that. Scripturarily speaking. Many narcs have gone so far into cheating, lying, stealing, murdering that they no longer have a concience which places themselves in a place of no return. These people are extremely dangerous at that point. Stay away from them. God will definitely sort them out.
@Tracy Smith Tracy, All you've said is true, however Dr. C. and I were merely sharing a fact that some are past the point of redemption. Of course only God knows which those are, BUT it is a fact that there are those whoes FREE WILL choose to be detructive. In the past, I greatly pulled for those who screwed up having the promised of forgiveness. My insight is now on those whose FREE WILL is literally choosing destruction of others as a past time. Psychopaths are real. I've read many times of good hearted, innocent people being stabbed to death or killed in other ways by those they were helping. The Bible also speaks of using DISCERNMENT. So we are directed to use sober thinking along with forgiveness, otherwise we would be sheep instead of a shepherd.
@Tracy Smith We are all given free will. The choice we make determines our outcome.
Christ of course is the GREAT SHEPHERD, but we are instructed to use discernment.
So, as Dr. C. & I concurred, some are beyond redemption. That's what they chose. It's all on them. No one but themselves to blame.
All he did was make a factual statement and I agreed.
Keep up your goodness in Christ & don't be fooled.
It gives me comfort to know i am part of 'team healthy'. :) after all the negative stuff from the narcissist- this positive 'team' or 'family' helps me immensely. Thank you Dr. C 🙂
"Some people are beyond redemption". Yep.
I remember narcissists who claim "some people can't be fixed." Yet they still try! It took so long to occur to me that some of the targets might, in fact, not be broken.
The narcissist is insecure, scared, and angry and "vengeful", projecting his anxieties on everyone else, blaming others. I want to tell the narcissist "Grow up already, Dad(narcissist)!"
I would be a "realist" if I push back!
Basically, narcs cannot be fixed. Period.
How do you protect a child when one parent is a narcissist?
If Truth was a colour, I think it would be like granite and gold. If Truth was a room, the windows would be open for the air of reflections. If Truth was a space it would just be space. If truth was a mirror: don't lie to yourself about who you are.
I like that Siri. Original? I looked and found this one: “The truth was a mirror in the hands of God. It fell, and broke into pieces. Everybody took a piece of it, and they looked at it and thought they had the truth.”
Quote by: Mawlana Jalal-al-Din Rumi
@@aaronkwolfe I wrote it yes. So it's by Siri A.Kristensen
As everything else I write here. My words, my thoughts, my ideas, my reflections, my insights, my story, by Siri A.Kristensen
Powerful
🌳
We don't have even one good memory with the affected person in our family.
Dear Dr. Carter,
I want to thank you, once again, for sharing your wisdom, empathy, and gifts that the Lord bestowed on you.
I'm in the process of a divorce, of a 4 decades long marriage.
I have 4 adult children and 8 grandchildren, that I love more than I can say.
I sit here with tears running down my face, and a heavy heart, from the fallout and dysfunction.
The ongoing attempts to alienate the children I raised, almost singlehandedly.
The pain knowing how they were affected, and still are.
The knowledge I contributed to it as well.
The strength needed to extricate yourself from all of it.
Overwhelming.
Your videos and podcasts always validate and encourage me to continue on the path to health.
I find psychology and spirituality closely connected.
I've come back to my faith, and when I read scriptures and proverbs, for example, the messages are very similar, if one wishes to go through life a certain way.
Obviously you are a psychologist, but I also see and feel so much spirituality within you.
What a combination; what a gift.
God Bless you for sharing it with us.
I pray for everyone in this community and I just want to say, may God Bless all of you.
Thank you for these pensive words. And yes, my spiritual grounding is important to me.
God Bless you too Patricia! Stay strong and keep fighting back ! Especially regarding truth telling to children and grandchildren- don’t let the narc paint you ugly when you are NOT ! Best of luck and keep praying !
I have been in your shoes, Patricia. I believe you will make it, and life will get better. You will sort through the confusion and will grow and become stronger.
I wish I had known earlier in my similar journey that I must never express criticism of the narcissist to the children or grandchildren- it just hurts them because that is their other parent and grandparent. I try to build up the others affected by the narcissism as I would have liked to be supported, and just have patience that they will eventually see the truth for themselves.
@@cathyleeziemba3508 excellent comment. The narc relationship is damaging to the whole family. The situation is complicated. Every body has to accept that something is broken but not because of you. Live your best life and you will be fine. God bless.
@@danmcdonald8522 , Thank you! Doing my best to move on, but it is hard to not have regrets or ponder the past and mistakes made after devoting 26 years to a marriage, when you believed in 'forever after' but had to throw in the towel eventually.
The best we can do is walk away from the toxic relationship, and work on our own growth, kindness, wisdom and forgiveness- forgiveness of the other party and for ourselves and our mistakes.
This is not really a negative truth. at all. Giving up on a pointless endeavor and using one's energy in better ways is very positive and liberating.
Sobering truth: some people are beyond redemption. There are bad people in the world and their numbers are not small. Many times
they're ignorant of their own behavior
A helpful person told me that if this “difficult person” does something kind to me, compare it to your favorite restaurant that closed years ago and reopened for one day only. Enjoy that moment but don’t EXPECT more.
Profoundly TRUE
I needed this today Dr C. Had a distant relative bale me up at church today to tell me to "go and see your mother". She then proceeded to belittle, telling me that mother apparently was "crying on her shoulder, saying "I just want to see her!" and replying to that with "well I'm her cousin and I'll tell her." She told me "she knew I had things going on with my mother but I SHOULD go and see her." and "God will tell you" to which I replied with "He already has!" - she probably thought I was agreeing with her. The trouble is that people like her don't have a clue and there is no point in explaining because they just won't listen. I'm tired of having to justify my actions of walking away and going no contact with my mother. I HAVE ALWAYS wanted a close relationship with my mum but it never was that way. I cannot change that and going back and being in contact with her will not change that. I would rather walk forward with my head held high with confidence in my decision making than go back to being the meek and mild and silently angry person I used to be. LOVE, DECENCY, MERCY, KINDNESS, PEACE AND JOY are all the attributes I strive to have in my daily life. I was lacking so much of that before.
Yes!
My adult son went woke and discarded me two years ago. He had been emotionally abusive for many years and I would have taken it forever but he threw me away. I will grieve until I die, but at least he will never cuss me out or hang up on me again.
So sorry.
Brilliant, Dr. C ! I have understood for many years that I am not an optimist. I am not a pessimist. I am a realist. All the phony role-playing and lies caused me to love the truth. No matter how difficult and unpleasant the truth may be, it is real. I can and will face the facts. Even when it is hard, Truth is a beautiful thing.
@@Chris-dw7gq Way To Be. :) For me, doing what I can to deal with my circumstances makes a lot more sense than burying my head in the sand. Reality is that I am not a defenseless little child anymore, I survived that crap, and I am determined that muddy water under the bridge will not ruin or rule me. Dr. C and this community are a great comfort. Proof that Good exists, despite all the Bad.
@@Chris-dw7gq Or connection, with someone who would have given him love, affirmation, security, and all the things that make life worth living. So tragic that they throw away diamonds while reaching for bits of plastic because they can’t tell the difference. I can feel a tiny shred of sympathy for them . . . . . From a long distance. 🙂
"Some things can’t be fixed." (in this life) Helpful & true. Justice will be perfected when Christ returns.
Dr. Carter- please let us sit on the couch with Gus for some of these fabulous and informative presentations! 😃
The opening sentence says it all, the escape-route from these emotional junkies lies in being utterly pessimistic. Thank you Dr!
Beautiful talk. “Be the change you wish to see in the world”
Being in a relationship with a narcissist teaches you to appreciate a normal person in the futyre
Good point.
When I was at university many years ago there was a 'friend' who made my life hell. But the only reason she could do that was because my family laid the groundwork by killing my self-esteem.
I always wondered what was wrong with me. Eventually I moved out of her orbit. She ended up burning down the college we lived in and went to jail.
what an incredible outcome!. But many times iv met these types and then something happens which ends up validating that it never was you. still it took actually learning about NPD for the light to truly go on.
@@fragrenscat9468 After burning down the university college and serving one and a half years" jail, she asked me if she could stay with me before returning to England (from Australia). My self-esteem was so poor back then I obliged.
She returned to England, married and had two children. Her husband never knew about the fires or that she had spent time in jail.
@@snowbear1877 hes probably suffering your fate with her as are her children i suspect..
@@snowbear1877 (gasp!) You allowed a known arsonist into your home?
@@DMRoper1 Yes. My self-esteem was very low. Even though she made my years at university hell. She had nowhere to go after coming out of jail and being deported back to England.
I am a fool I know.
I was married at the time.
After my marriage broke up some years later, my husband even accused me of not being able to get along with anyone, including the arsonist! After I had been so kind to her. I just said that she was a convicted criminal. He had no answer to that.
Nowadays I walk away from people who mistreat me. I am getting better at that but it's taken a lifetime and lots of therapy.
Sobering truth: "some people are beyond redemption, but that doesn't have to include you." -Dr. Carter
Thank you for these healing words. In recent months as I continue to grow, change, and adapt so that I can live my best life (and hopefully break free of this painful prison I've been calling "love"), my narcissistic spouse has been accusing me of being all of the negative things they in fact are (cruel, pessimistic, angry, etc). Their rage when levying these accusations scares me, but something new in me has emerged next to the fear... pity.
Part of me feels sad that they hate themselves so much they project it onto/punish those closest to them because they can't look within to heal their core wounds, that aching hurt. I just have to keep reminding myself that pity, sympathy, empathy, or whatever this newfound reaction in me towards their narc rages is, does not provide sufficient evidence/reasons to stay. The more I reclaim myself the more I realize leaving is essential. It's terrifying yet fills me with renewed hope that I'm going to return home to me again! Unfortunately, they've figured this out and are raging harder against my personal growth.
La la la la life goes on...
I see it as I have to accept the unacceptable.
An ugly truth I have been ruminating about lately is “All I ever was to them is Narcissistic Supply.” I wasn’t a child, or a sibling: my purpose was validation, empathy, someone to endlessly rage on, and whatever else they needed to fill their supply. All I got in return was a lifetime of psychological abuse, trauma, and mental health issues.
The best thing I ever did was stop trying to push back and just neutrally say "okay" when my parental narcissist is trying to drag me into the crazy. They don't know how to respond to it and I protect my peace. I wish things were different, but I cannot change them and I need to be truthful to myself.
I would always reassure myself and ground myself by realising I still had my own home, my family, even though I was single, because that was far better than being with my Ex X.
I always tell myself: it is what it is
That's the way to go! Don't argue with reality 🙌👏
Anything can be fixed, or cured, or healed, or solved, … or CHANGED, when thinking about true, reality and life, … what we all should could must do is living, healing, curing, moving, feeling, solving, fixing, IMPROVING, …
What I do is cave in to their demands, even though they are crushing me!
Watching these videos help me, it's an ongoing battle.
I had to learn that. Some people won't change, and it isn't my business to worry about it. Moving on and taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do.
I don't think it's as pessimistic as it is just plain realistic...a realistic understanding of evil but also of the potential for goodness in those of us who truly strive for that. Thanks for keeping a lot of us above water, Dr. C. ❤️
I know I don't want to become more compassionate. That's what got me sucked under in the first place. I want to keep exercising the compassion I've got, but pair it with a colder realism and more emotional sobriety, while I keep working on recognizing that I'm a worthy person who deserves to take better care of herself.
Heres a quote that I've found helpful: "A pessimist is a well informed optimist."
Great quote!
The worse it is, the greater the springboard to leap into your own beautiful life. In an ideal world they would be super appreciative of your qualities.. it adds to their mana
I put a note on my refrigerator that says I can’t fix it. The ultimate letting go takes time but you can do it. You’ll need to grieve the death for awhile, but it’s worth it❤
You are so rich. BTW, I hope you saw the recent video about radical acceptance.
I am still worried that I've become more of a cynic. Once you see this and learn from it (Thank you Dr. C), you can't unsee it. My daughter said to me, "Mum - you're more discerning now". And that's the difference.
Team healthy: Love, joy, peace, kindness, mercy. God bless you.
Do yourself a big favor....Stand in the better alternatives of love, decency, mercy, kindness, peace, and joy! Lay claim to the ingredients that give life meaning!! Know what you are dealing with. Thanks, Dr. C.
I picture the serenity of a narc free life as being your doggo on the couch behind you
“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.”
Mary Oliver
23 years a ministers wife. I found me again after. I can paint again. 🎨 I’m more ok now.
Best wishes to you!
Most disappointments and hurt come from unmet expectations……. I expected that my mother, my spouse, my child would treat me with respect. The fact that they didn’t, hurt and devastated me. I now have turned off those expectations. When I don’t expect the kindness, then there is no more shock that goes through my system. It is horrible that I have to do that and that I can’t just relax and enjoy their presence, but it has helped me to cope a little better.
no, no, no, Lynne! You absolutely should have high expectations that people you let near to you treat you with dignity and respect! It is not your expectations that are in error -- you are turning the blame for their behavior on yourself (which is exactly what they want you to think). It is THEIR horrible behavior and they CHOSE it, not you. 'Nuff of this kind of thinking, my friend!
This is the absolute Truth!!
I hated it!! 22yrs. Lost 😡!!
Now I am in a better place…. Thank you very much much Dr.C. I am No Ones!! Door Mat
Was a game I never wanted to play. I like the person I am being!!❤ Personal of Peace!!
Team Health 😅🎉
Stay Cool! 😎
Thank you , if it wasn't for half a lifetime of horrific Narcs in my life I would never have found my own strengths and my individuality despite all the pain , if we all only knew that life doesn't happen automatically , Narcs wouldn't exist , being brought up as wrong and weak and being warned never to make a show of the family has in my opinion and experience created as many Narcs as there are people crucified by them. Just my take on my culture and our family dinamics.
I ask narc mom to please leave me alone. She replies "No, I don't have to " I am drained. She also flips me off everyday and yells at me about HER problems and how she's always bored. Uggh
I don't wanna hear it. . I'm NOT a counselor.
i love that there’s a pupper peacefully sleeping there on the sofa
His name is Gus and he is most precious!
I'd not think of it as "loosing" per se in their competition rather that you're just not engaging in/playing their game. That being said, I agree with you on everything else.
"There are some things in life that cannot be fixed." Ugh. But it's true. I need to work on accepting this more. So weird to learn that one of my problems is a bit of an eternal optimist deep inside me, when my goal has always been realism.