I think this video misses a key point that for most people who don't have sex, the real issue is not the lack of sex, but the lack of intimacy with another person. That is a much more significant problem than just the physical experience
Intimacy is part of the sexual craving, it can exist without sexual desire but generally, it's part of what we want from sex, not JUST the physical sensations that can be replicated without another person. Sex = intimacy. The whole video is about your craving for intimacy/sex. While there is a distinct difference between intimacy and sex, they overlap to the point that we often misrepresent what we're actually desperate for even in our own minds. Giving up on chasing sex also means giving up on chasing physical intimacy. If you truly are craving non-sexual intimacy, then you can achieve that as well, and much easier after discarding the mindless pursuit of sex. It is very hard to watch this if you've been desperately alone and not feel attacked or have your deep-seated needs feel invalidated, and if you do feel this way, that's because on some deep level, you already know that your path to freedom involves discarding your obsessive thoughts about physical relations with another person.
Separating the two is quite important for appreciating both actually. 😅 Especially considering I recently came to terms with my autism, and I realised that I was actually quite fulfilled in the sense of intimacy. And how, due to the nature of autism, I can actually get “too much” of it and I pull away from it. Craving my own space. And in the last 10 years I can only point to a handful of occasions when it was truly lacking. Whereas, I have had plenty of opportunities for casual sex, or even “sex first” so to speak, but my autism would always very bluntly say “no.” The idea of experiencing so many sensations that could actually disgust me or make me seriously uncomfortable is generally enough for me to have trust barriers the size of the Hoover Dam in the way. 😂Also because of my previous issue with phimosis, it could make sex REALLY quite painful and requiring a hospital trip and a further surgery to fix to fix (this was more down to neglectful parenting more than anything.) Plus, there’s more to life than how many people have seen your P. and if people make fun of it, then that’s kind of on them not to be an asshole first and foremost.
I'm pretty sure that no one who has serotonin flooding their brain throughout all of their waking moments is worried about lack of intimacy with others. Existence becomes fulfilling in itself when you get there. People just don't work towards that goal since they spend a chunk of their time in their life working towards things that they think will fulfill them- like finding a partner to have sex with and be intimate with. Many people have intimate relationships yet are still missing something in life and/or wanting more. I think that's the bigger point in this video
Every big channel nowadays is guilty of some level of clickbaiting. Point to note, being a virgin and fapping everyday is not a chad thing to do. It's rather being in a content mental state and focusing on personal development.
@@superneenjaa718 *_"Every big channel nowadays is guilty of some level of clickbaiting."_* I'd much rather have a channel bait me in and learn something than to feel like I went against my better judgment.
I'm 31(M) and just got married to a woman I met when I was 25. I forced myself to lose my virginity when I was 17 to someone I didn't trust and had multiple short-lived sexual relationships before I met my wife, some were intensely pleasurable but equally painful when they ended, if not more painful. If I could go back now and take a pass on all of those sexual encounters and just lose my virginity to my wife at age 31, I would. All of the messed up societal messaging and porn made be believe I was a loser if I wasn't sexually active. I wasn't, I was a loser for bowing out to toxic ideas and a porn-fuelled society. My advice to a younger me would be to work on myself, my inter-personal relationships and my career and wait until you find the right person to marry.
@@Raickei nah, i know a couple TRUE CHADs at my gym. Super cool, down to earth dudes. I'm more of a Chadlite on a good day, but a upper level normie on regular days. And these guys engage me warmly, and two of them have given me insights to their dating life and WOW. Lmao. Anyway, how i know they also watch videos on redpill is because once in a while they'd use terms only a person who watches content would know.
I feel like you're one of the honest ones here. Instead of coping and filling your head with empty platitudes you're being brutally honest. I respect that. Acknowledging the problem is the first step towards working on fixing it. Its simply how things are supposed to work right. You're supposed to able to find a partner and form a loving relationship. If you've never managed to do that you are simply... deficient. But that means you can work towards making up for that deficiency. Lying to yourself isn't gonna fix anything. No such thing as a "virgin chad" (if you feel like using those words)
I'm a virgin in my early 30s. I had no idea sex was typically so quick! I used to feel a lot of shame over my virginity. Therapy helped relieve that. I also have a distinctly spiritual part of my personality. This video is increasingly making me believe that ancient wisdom is a lot more intelligent than I typically give it credit for.
Sex is really fun. But it’s not anymore fun than eating a great meal, laughing with your friends, playing a competitive sport. I hope you do get to experience in due time but don’t rush yourself.
Whether ancient Eastern ascetics are right or not, it shows that it's not necessary to think this way about sex. You can view it in a completely different context. So it doesn't matter if you believe one system of thought, the point is that there are several, each with no more intrinsic reality or validity than the others. Maybe you'll meet someone to sex one day, but if you do, it will be between you and them. You don't get a badge to wear after, and you don't need one!
It's very true, ancient wisdom about sexuality is actually very advanced...certainly do not put sex on a pedestal like most of society! I've been married and had lots of experiences, and also long periods of celibacy...but this video still clarified a lot of great points about the topic for me. I will say, however...saying sex only lasts 3-7 minutes is not necessarily a good benchmark. You have more to look forward to than that! Firstly because, how long it lasts typically depends on the guy, and most guys simply can't last long enough for the woman...so, that average means there are a lot of unsatisfied women. It's not difficult to do way better. Also, because defining "sex" only as duration of penetration is pretty limiting imho...Dr K mentioned foreplay, but that really shouldn't be considered an optional "add-on".... It doesn't have to be a whole evening ordeal, but how about just spending a half hour with your sweetie enjoying each other's not just physical form but emotional bond and even spiritual side....imho THAT is a better definition of "sex", and certainly worth doing once or twice a week.
@@ErlingGreyim probably asexual cus im not particularly interested in it. I find the idea of having sex with someone weird. Maybe one day ill find someone who id want to do it with but theyd have to be pretty special at this point.
Not completely. Determining your value as a human being based of how much sex you have is utterly useless as well as unhealthy. It doesn't mean not to pursue it however - its a great experience, but what Dr K is saying will help you find healthy sex, not just chasing it to make you feel better about yourself. I was that distraught 21 year old Virgin he discussed, and just getting rid of that V-card will not fix certain insecurities that caused that self deprecating behavior in the first place. The intentional monk style celibacy part is definitely a personal choice, but I assume only for the minority.
Exactly! What we secretly miss in our lives are not just sex, but also the woman's literal touch. The human skin is also an organ with needs which most people don't seem to realize
@@newme1589 the idea that any and all affection is ultimately sexual is a symptom of the modern dysfunctional mind that has reduced everything to sexual orientation.
3-7 minutes of sex isn’t everything dr k. It’s the stuff that happens after sex. Like going out together with your significant other. Cuddling in bed and watching your favorite shows. Cooking together. Growing spiritually and pushing each other. People sacrifice so much like their careers and to be healthy so they can have all these things. Sex alone is so meaningless. I really believe people just want intimacy with another human being and we just think of sex being that since that’s the closest you’ll ever be physically with another human being.
The problem is most people do not chase "cuddling in bed" they chase that "amazingly hot" girl who gets a thousand swipes and never swipes YOUR profile. They don't chase eating sandwiches with someone while watching anime and talking about the universe, they chase some fantasy in their mind of someone sexy and amorous that makes them feel good about themselves. If people were chasing actual relationships, warts and all, there would be less stress and men and women alike would use better discretion in their dating and relationships and people would form healthier, longer-lasting relationships.
@@themachine5647it’s not true at all that men only chase the hottest girls. The data (from dating apps) shows men are much more reasonable with looks expectations than women. It’s the men that are tasked with doing most of the work with pursuing girls and facing constant rejection and it’s the women doing most of the rejecting. There’s not an issue of a massive amount of ugly girls being left out. The majority (60%) of American women in their 20s are in a relationship. The men are being left out. Only 30% of American men in their 20s are in a relationship. Dr. K has talked about that’s tudy
On one hand you're right, but on the other it feels like denying my problem. Meaning that if I want physical intimacy, but then think "It's not that important" - it doesn't help. I would say it feels even worse, because now I want physical intimacy and feel dumb for caring about something insignificant.
The problem is that you wanting physical intimacy isn't a real physical need. Sure, you feel like you need it but do you really? It isn't the same thing as being hungry or wanting the bathroom. Your mind is the one in command, not your body. So, you can live without it.
@@n4ughty_knight it's not really a physical need, but have you considered it as mental need? like loneliness, being lonely surely ain't gonna literally k!ll you, but it does take a toll on your mental health. I thing $ex is in similar vein to that.
@GodfreyFairhand I don't know how to explain the psychology behind it but this is one of the reasons why we don't use the bathroom everywhere like animals.
I'll have to disagree here that teaching people their sexual desires are making them obsess over that want of interaction with the opposite sex. Took me years to finaly figure out that my obsession in getting a relationship had nothing to do with sex but 100% emotional needs not being met by my parents. Emotional connection is the whole point of getting in a relationship and it's about time people like Dr.K with a voice spread the word.
It takes a strong person to talk about personal intimate issues, it looks like you did a lot of introspection and therapy to figure out what is blocking you from having the emotional experiences you are looking for. I wish you well.
And how exactly this helps? It's impossible to make your parents un-neglect your child self. So anything done because of emotional neglect is like putting food in the mouth of a corpse that died of starvation. The milk has spilled and the ship has sailed. What Dr.K says is that precisely this need is the problem, so getting rid of it will make it not a problem that needs to be shoddily remediated. Accept the rats so you don't need the cat/cow/field/family chain altogether.
@@phosspatharios9680 You have to recognize a problem to first deal with it. What doctor kay is focusing on is sexual desires, our lustful impulses have little to nothing to deal with emotional needs. Both are dealt with by different things.
But that is the issue: people attempt to achieve emotional intimacy by seeking sex. Love is conflated with sex. Confidence is conflated with high fashion and semi-nudity. Somehow, a lot of the present society has conflated emotions and love with physical intimacy. Heck, even some types of fine food are called "sexy". This is not to comment upon the problem you have identified. This is only to stop solving an emotional issue with physicality. Because, at the end of the day, it is the same as drug addiction - to find meaning by inducing an artificial high. Both are a dead-end and will not take one anywhere.
It was there when I was a teenager in the 2000s, it was there for the generation above me and the generation above them. It's an old toxic belief system
The stigma always existed, the problem is that nowadays people have sex without responsibility. The problem with being a virgin nowadays is not "lack of sex", is you being repulsive to the opposite gender UNLESS you actively choose to stay a virgin. Before most people chose to stay virgins until marriage, but the stigma of being a loser always existed
@@PsycheTrance65I don't feel that OP either (demisexual) but think of all the money and time I save by not consuming pornography or chasing hookups! 🙏🏼 Wuahahaha! ... Well also I don't really have much time to think about even worrying about that.
This is so true! After a lot of confusion in life, I am absolutely puzzled with my sexual identity. I am 27 years old and never have gotten with anyone. And I really don't even know if I want to. It's taken me years to recover from thinking I was a failure for that. Now I've been able to decide to let it all rest and not think about it so much, to just accept my confused self for who I am, even if I don't know what that means. In doing so, it freed up mental bandwidth and has allowed me to start thinking more clearly and even lets the subject of sexuality be less confusing & painful to me. I feel like I'm on my way to figuring out myself, at long last.
I am technically not a virgin but last time I was into a relationship was … 11 years ago and it honestly feels like I have no experience (should it be purely sexual, kissing a partner and even just talking with some kind of sexual tension). I am not « losing » per se but still, I became so used to this life that I can’t imagine being with someone anymore and I must say this is where I am losing by no longer being able to project myself to any other relationship
You might be missing out on some life experiences by not having the chaos a close intimate relationship entails, but at the same time you probably have a lot more peace of mind than the average relationship enjoyer. I'm thinking that could be considered a very worthy and voluntary trade-off and thus not "losing" but rather playing a different game altogether.
U are just like me. Enjoy the piece of mind bro and try to create, learn stuff. Enjoy the beauty of nature, nurture your unique thoughts and attitude towards life.
I do want to say that, for me, sexuality is a fight between my conscious and my biology. So the point that we can only regulate something for so long is right on point. I’m not constantly thinking about sex, but once the biology goes “I’m horny” it’s only a matter of time before I lose, which honestly makes sense to me. I’m not the one who has offspring, my biology does, and it uses me to achieve its goal of reproduction. So I think the first step is creating that distinction,and realizing that it’s not you, it’s your animal.
Indeed. We humans are more intelligent, and we have had made more of nuances and experiences for us to reap off lot of enjoyment from. We should not limit it all to "biological reasons"
but that animal is the real you. you can't fight him and you shouldn't. biology won't matter for you only when your consciousness will transfer from your physical body to Matrix, like we see in numerous phantastic books and films.
Tbh I dislike the argument of separating myself from my more unconscious instincts and thoughts. The “animal” is just as much part of who I am as the part of my brain I’m using to make this argument. Imo this line of thinking pits your conscious self against your unconsciousness which is a fight you will inevitably lose. I’d rather get that part of me to work for me
Great video Dr. K. You've made me realise something that's been brewing inside me for quite some time, but that I couldn't express or really nail down in my head. When you were talking about how liberating freedom from internal desires and societal conditioning can be I went through a moment of epiphany. Thanks for making these videos!
This makes sense, one of my life biggest regret is a few years ago how I missed a few cute girls I could have slept with but didn’t because I lived with my parents and had nowhere to bring them. Overvaluing the sex is where that regret comes from.
@@Dimitris_Half It sucks because I haven’t had such opportunities since, I do get girls and hookups here and there but it’s not an easy thing and usually the girls aren’t the cutest. I’m sad because those 3-4 girls were ready for it, we went on a date and all, if only I could have asked them over it would have been done and we’d have fucked. I still regret it sometimes because it feels unfair, other guys in their early twenties have much better logistics than me but I also know it’s my responsibility to improve my situation to fix it.
Great video Dr K! I find it very facinating how the more you talk about eastern philosophy, the more parallels my brain makes with Stoicism, which I've grown convinced to be the western equivalent. When you said "Bondage to our internal self is the source of our suffering." I was instantly reminded of a quote from Epictetus: "No man is free who is not a master of himself". Another quote of his "Wealth consists not in having great possesions but having few wants" and the defining belief of the stoics that "Suffering comes from your perception of the situation you're in and not the circumstance itself" sound very much like what eastern monks percieve as enlightenment.
Well, try to find a good romantic partner and say to them that you don't like sex and sex is not important. And look how they run away, because they want sex too. There's no intimacy and romance without sex (except asexuals but they're just a little different.)
Not sure how to feel about this one. For the first couple decades of my life, I was fine. I wanted to be with someone, of course. But I didn't obsess over it, go out of my way to lose my virginity, or dislike who I was. I still don't...but I'm 33 years old now. And it's weighing on me. It doesn't feel right. I feel like I would be good to someone and it's beyond time to experience the things most people experience. So, as Chad-like as I've been up to this point in my life, any benefit I've gotten from being a monk doesn't seem to be doing me good now.
It’s because Dr K is wrong here. The obsession with sex is about much more than sex. It’s about human intimacy which you only get with a relationship. The point that working your whole life around trying to get a relationship is dumb because sex is just 10 mins a week is so bad. For most men they have to put that kind of effort into pursuing sex and a relationship or they are not getting it
@@minabotieso6944 So the answer is masturbation, and regularly talking to women that no matter how they look they share similar values and accept what you do with your time. I am practically like this guy here, but the best solution I can come up with is to not think about it and think of something else other than intimacy that can fulfil me. Intimacy in it's best forms happens with like minded people and pursuing it makes you seem like a starving man that would do anything to eat including murder. If you don't pursue it and find pride and contempt in other things people might see you as safe enough to approach and not a potential r@pist.
23yo virgin here. I'll try to relay it as I understood it. I think Dr. K is right about the fact that you shouldn't obsess over sex (which is a trend in Western society) - something you'd do once a week for 3-7 minutes on average (and even if someone has sex every day, I guess it's still normally less than 1% of their weekly time). You're living a life, after all, you have different things you can be truly happy about. Sex shouldn't be something that all of your life revolves around and/or that you keep thinking about. When you stop obsessing over it, you can gain a better outlook at life and at other people because you wouldn't have to do everything just to facilitate your sex life. You'll also stop seeing people in a sexual context (comparing/competing or viewing as sexual object/something to attain) and start enjoying being in the moment with them as they are. I thought a lot about how being aroace and never desiring romance, sex, intimacy etc. could be so liberating. I'm even ready to go completely voluntarily celibate for the rest of my life, because I feel like I'd rather be alone my whole life than suffer from this bullcrap called sexual desire (despite the fact that celibacy is actually a sin in my religion). My life does maybe kind of revolve around finally getting laid, because I've been generally wishing to get into a relationship, and probably I could focus on something else and achieve more if I didn't worry about it so much in my head - or maybe not, I've been kinda lazy even before I started feeling horny at all and my problems might go beyond that, which is also why solving my problem with sex might not help - but still it'd be super nice to eliminate that potentially disruptive factor from my life. Sometimes I catch myself thinking that everything I do is to look good in front of girls - even the basic human decency things like trying to dress normally, taking basic care of my hygiene and looks (shower, use deodorant, shave my face, comb my short hair to the right), doing swimming to improve physical health. Maybe it's not true though, there're things in my life I sometimes enjoy like chatting with university group mates (but almost never really one on one), playing video games etc. As to why I'm still a virgin - I had some bad experience with interacting with women (in terms of getting closer to them), and some insecurities won't let me even ask for her name (let alone permit me to wish to try and to talk to her more personally) or ask her out after a really nice chat. Dr. K mentions how nofap is hard because those who participate in nofap don't actually deal with the underlying issue of horniness (the obsession), which is exhausting because it requires them to suppress their obsession over sex really hard. So would "stop obsessing over sex" work so simply? How exactly would giving up on the obsession with sex be different from suppressing it? Is Dr. K really addressing the issue at hand with his advice? Technically, it means that, as a part of not lusting, I mustn't entertain lusty thoughts about women I see like, "Whoa, she's pretty!" and instead I should carry on with my life. But is it realistically possible when I can feel the desire I have for women I see in front of me? It occurs unwillingly sometimes, it accumulates, I get frustrated because my insecurities won't let me even ask for her name and it makes me feel miserable. It's not a matter of "should", but a matter of "can" I really go volcel? Or maybe I'm perceiving it wrong? Maybe I just don't want to try and not think of women in a sexual way, I want to keep indulging and not improving in other parts of my life? Should I just find a full-time job that would keep me occupied for the most of my time so that I could focus on it instead?
I don't know man, being soul-crushingly lonely for all of the 32 years of my life doesn't really make me feel like a winner. I'd venture to say that my friends who live in happy relationships and are raising children are probably doing better. Just a feeling I have.
The way you phrased this was doomed from the start, and funnily enough doesn't pertain to what Dr. K said. Of course, you being lonely, are going to be not as happy as people in "happy relationships". But you chose to compare to people in happy relationships. There are people who have sex that aren't in happy relationships, and there are definitely people who have sex that you are happier than. That being said, given the societal importance we've placed on having sex, and based off this comment, the importance you have placed on sex has given you the imperative that if you aren't having sex, you must be lonely. To this I would say, listen to Dr. K and just give up. Give up on having sex. It will be so liberating feeling 32 years of failed effort lifted off your back. Knowing that you aren't chasing it anymore, you can move past it and live a happy life without it. So long as you compare with other people and obsess about having it, you will continue to be lonelier than those people who you idolize.
@@tythetasmaniantiger7 I have never idolized anyone in my life. Just wanted to mention that. I will also admit I did not listen to the video. (Do forgive me, I do watch Dr. K occasionally, but based on the title this specific video just sounds like something that will just annoy me if I watch it). While there might be people more miserable than I am who are having sex, as long as they are having sex consensually, one can only assume that sex adds something positive to their lives - after all, if it didn't, they wouldn't be doing it. While a happy, loving relationship would be ideal, my current life would be improved by having regular casual sex as well. While plenty of casual sex with attractive women would not remove my loneliness completely, it would alleviate it. Regular consensual and non-compensated sex with attractive women would provide me with the physical pleasure of intimate touch and skin-to-skin contact, and with the emotional stimulation of being trusted, being accepted and feeling attractive and wanted. These are not desires we feel because society tells us to feel this way. These are all normal and healthy desires we all evolved to have. Not only that, but most people eventually find someone they can have at least some kind of sexual/romantic relationship with. This is why giving up on this is, in the purest sense, cope. It is resigning to being one of the few people who are so remarkably _undesirable_ that you can simply never satisfy the natural human need for sexual/romantic companionship, and coping by either saying that you don't even want it, or by trying your best to not even think of ever having this companionship. While accepting this and moving on with your life is possible, and there is even a form of stoic or ascetic strength to it, in the end it is still losing. By conquering your own deep desire for sexual connection you might be losing with your head held high - but you're still losing. There is simply no way to reframe being unwanted as a victory.
I thought i was cool for losing my virginity at 14 as a guy. It took a lot of reflection to be able to say in my 20's that i don't think it was good for my development. I've been away from sex for a few years now and single for almost a decade. Now, i don't want to have sex with someone unless i have some degree of confidence that I am willing to marry and have children with them
@@johngibson4874 well the act itself is pretty boring (in my opinion) and the first few times were painful but some things that come with sex can be a pretty big deal
I had sex for the first time at 19. It was a textbook hookup that left me feeling a mild sense of regret. And ever since then it's been like a sledgehammer to my sex drive, haven't been chasing ever since. I want to meet the right person and keep being disappointed
Like, I'm down to acknowledge virgins as Chads, but you're: 1. Conflating "virgin" with "non-lustfullness", which are not the same 2. Making the assumption that not having sex "frees up" all those parts of the brain. What if it exercises them? There's a ton of evidence that a healthy sex life is good for us. We don't need to make false equivalencies and assumptions to make virgins feel better. We can deconstruct the concept of virginity altogether and stop placing value on people depending upon their sexual activity.
I honestly think you missed the point here, as he never said that people who are virgins are inherently non-lustful; in fact, the primary focus is that we, as humans, many of us virgins, are lustful, and those who are virgins and can accept it are going to have healthier sex lives later on when societal expectation is derailed and we simply live our lives the way they should be: with the intent toward self-improvement. Sexuality must come when a person is mentally understanding of sex's reality, and then when one has pursued that which brings contentment, relationships and sexual joy will follow. He even said it at the end, he isn't asking us to become monks, but simply asking that our intent is to stop obsessing.
I haven't watched the video, I just saw the title and wanted to comment "copium". But I did wanna say based from your comment alone that I feel there's at least 2 types of virgins: the ones who don't want sex and the ones who can't get it. Those who can't get it aren't always ugly/unlikable etc... sometimes they simply want it, but can't socialize properly from becoming too anxious. Whether it be from trauma, flat-out anxiety, or other similar mental factors. In my experience, someone in that situation may find that the false equivalencies just make them feel worse, because of the whole "copium" underlying feeling behind them. I don't really have a solution for those people other than to remember everyone has a different life, and if you don't try and force something to happen and slow down, you'll notice things start happening on their own. Like riding a bike, or when your walking and thinking about walking so you walk weird. But if you just stop thinking about the walking, it becomes normal.
@@avriel6903 I know, but his route to get there in the beginning included those logical leaps I mentioned. We don't need to do mental gymnastics to get there.
@@Lysergic_ Right, and he covers that later in the video. I like the video's message overall, but I didn't like a couple of logical leaps he took to get there in the beginning.
See there is a difference between wanting a relationship and wanting sex. The biggest issue is that while yes sex is on average 7 minutes once a week, there are way to many cases of entire relationships ending because "you were not enough" (happens to everyone, just more common to guys). So searching for the sex becomes a surrogate for "wanting a person who wont leave".
I think the argument made in this video is great *if* we take away the main concern of people who feel bad about being virgins which is lack of connection and intimacy, which is most definitely *not* a "small 1hour in a week thing", in that case it feels very dismissive.
Yeah there’s a disconnect between the title and the content because I don’t think he actually runs the UA-cam account. But I believe he’s more addressing people who struggle with lust
Here's the problem, doctor. Lack of relationships usually sends a signal to others that there is something "wrong". We notice this. It hurts. So in my case whenever I look up what I should do to change it: Be confident, be happy, be yourself. I am not confident or happy by nature. So then I look up how to be more confident and happy and the advice is... get laid. In order to stop being a virgin I have to already not be one. Open the box with the crowbar in the box. Meanwhile people compare me to the likes of Elliott Roger while ignoring how plenty of awful people in history were sexually active. I get called an entitled incel the most when I say "I just want to be normal"
I actually laughed out loud at the absurdity of the statement and not only that but the truth. I have been channeling too much energy into my obsession with sex. It makes me laugh at myself, but I'll give myself grace cause good god knows I need it and my life's worth so much more than 13 minute intervals.
Women hate awkwardness when it comes to sex, it doesn't make them feel safe or secure when an inexperienced man is with them. That's typically why male virgins are looked at as broken or odd. It's also a way for them to discern whether or not the guy is a axe murderer or worth investing in. If no other woman wants the guy then they must not be that great. Regardless, a woman's emotional security will always be valued by them since it's what keeps them safe.
Only insecure and "broken" people think like that. It's ironic how you described perfectly fine people as insecure and insecure people as healthy and normal.
God I love dr K’s normalization and explanations of these hard to discuss feelings! I just wish I saw this video 5 years ago as a high school freshman constantly being guilty for my sexual feelings as someone who had a lot of pent up sexuality. As I got older I realized that it’s okay to masturbate a lot, and it’s just a lot easier to function when you have your needs taken care of instead of feeling guilty about them and spending all your motivation on resisting natural and easily managed impulses.
I’ve always felt like my drive to pursue a relationship and or sex has been very inconsistent. I have periods where I crave it, periods where it’s the last thing on my mind. But it never persists or causes me anguish that I never have had sex. I do pretty good for myself in a healthy way (self pleasure) and overall I’d say I’m a pretty happy person overall. I’ve never understood the strong connection to the “virgin” label and what lengths people will go to remove that…
Pretty sure the issue was never about the actual pleasure. It’s about the lack of choice lmao. It’s the loneliness that comes with it. But aye, guess I’m an absolute Gigachad now.
Speaking from experience, I feel like this stems more from an insecurity in yourself and probably how attractive you think you are. Since the end thought is that no one wants to be with you or that you’ll never find someone. I struggled with this a ton, and honestly still do a bit. But some things that did help was getting friends irl that are girls (in no romantic sense). Also dating apps. I was so convinced that I was never gonna get a match that when I got a single match after a while, it boosted my confidence enough where it’s like “ok at least I’m not abysmal.” Dating apps still suck but yea. Also even if you’re not gay, say you are. You’ll get a ton of likes from guys which will definitely help. I saw this quote from Jeff Bezos saying that a lot of stress doesn’t come from overworking but from not doing something about something that you can act on. I saw this quote after I started all of this and it has helped a lot. I’ll probably try to start asking people irl soon. I feel like I’m almost in the headspace to do that and take rejections fine.
@@theuserofdoom "I feel like this stems more from an insecurity in yourself and probably how attractive you think you are." When people say this or something like this then they always assume that either you just lack some curage or you are simply very delusional about yourself. People rarely use it to imply a possible deep rooted partially true cause for this. They are like: "You are "just" insecure so "just" get some confidence", like it is a pill or an item at the grocery store.
@@itsez1129 Exactly. Please read everything else I've written below - it seems like you did not. I've been struggling for years on how to actually get confidence and understand the roots of insecurity. I hate it when people say insecurity like it's something you can just remove. Guys tend to need actionable solutions. There's already a lot of male improvement content available online that does give good advice e.g. workout, etc. From my experience, finding friends who are girls and making dating app accounts (even if not successful) takes off a lot of pressure. This was literally like a pill for me. Some other things that helped a lot were laying off social media, pop music, and porn. Basically, anything that conditions you to keep thinking about attractive girls in a sexually valuable way, or reminds you that there are other guys involved in this whole thing. Cuz that puts mental pressure on you = stress = anxiety = depression = loneliness/hopelessness.
This monk story translated to sex is hilarious and so spot on. Willing to have sex or having sex is an animal impulse and should have nothing to do with self-worth...society will try to convince you and pressure you to think and feel otherwise but really it is not.
I always hear how you "lose" your virginity but for me was always about "giving it" to someone. I think that the "losing" comes from the fact that a lot of people feel that it was lost because they didn't give their virginity the importance at the time they decided to have sex and now it has a more deeper meaning in their lifes. For me was always more about intimacy than just a natural need or something to get rid of. And yes im still a virgin.
A friend of mine has no ambitions, big dreams or intense passions but he does have hobbies and appreciates little things in life. People call him unmotivated but he has absolutely no mental illness, FOMO does not exist in his world and he is probably the most content, emotionally resilient and stable people I’ve ever met and I’ve known him almost all my life and have rarely ever seen him sad or angry. The ones who call him weird or unambitious are the very people who have constant breakdowns and are easily emotionally dysregulated. They feel threatened by the fact he doesn’t need luxuries, big achievements or constant external praise and validation to feel good in his own skin. Most likely his brain produces very high levels of serotonin. This would line up with the theory of increased serotonin and contentment with less drive and lust. Many hyper ambitious and goal driven people have ADHD, perfectionism, OCD etc. which are linked to lower serotonin. My friend is the opposite, he’s not depressed, just content.
Also it's kinda ridiculous for you to call virgins "chads" while happily married. Like a billionaire pulling up to a homeless slum in his Lamborghini and saying "you guys are so cool" before driving off. Utterly meaningless.
I was a virgin until I was 32. Honestly, I'm amazed it happened that early in my life. I've never really been very suave or good at flirting with women at all. And it sucks how much pressure young people have, especially guys when they haven't had sex by the age of 18 or whatever. I remember a friend of mine who was more popular than me signed my senior yearbook by saying, "Get some ass, man. Okay?"
@@inquisitionagent9052you and everyone in these comments are so rude to the guys talking about struggling to get sex which is exactly why there’s an obsession with it. He is not saying 32 is early. He is saying he is surprised it happened at 32 because he expected to never get it.
This is a recurring realisation I have found in myself, I only feel lustful for casual sex when I don't feel like I have a clear direction day to day, or If I's had crap sleep
Being lustful is exhausting and you don’t actually have control of yourself. It takes some time but if you stop looking at girls that way your brain will do it less and less. Of course you cannot end being horny but you can reduce it drastically
literally me. M colleagues have sexual thoughts about women n stuff and I'm just like... Alright. Also there might be someone waiting for me at home, so why would I have thoughts about women that way I don't even know? They are weird.
I hate when I’m with my gf of 5 years and there is a hot girl so my ape brain goes haywire and you try to look at her ass right in front of your gf. That’s definitely not right and it sucks to not be able to control our desires. It makes me feel like I’m not actually in love and I can’t stand it cause my gf is pretty with a nice body and she’s an structural engineer and I work at jimmy Johns LOL. wtf is wrong with me to even thing about ditching her for some hotter girl that’s gonna probably end up dumping me in the end. People tell me I’m attractive so it makes staying in a relationship hard when I have so much temptation.
@@Windbend3ryo buddy. it's not a crime to have a thought. as long as YOU want to keep your relationship and cherish what you currently have, i don't think you should beat yourself up for finding other people attractive. it's an annoying part of most people's biology. just don't stand and gawk at someone's ass, you know?
Well, yeah. If a poor, ugly, virgin were to say those things the comments would call it cope. Who's supposed to tell y'all if not the people who have those things?
I'm a female virgin over 30, not ugly or obese, and always thought virginity is something I wanted to have since I was a teenager, because virgins were always described in a positive way, like them being young a pretty. So I didn't understand why would anyone wanting to give it up, always assumed the girls losing it were doing it for social pressure and were weak. I wanted to be a virgin forever, to keep my purity and subconsciously thought I would be pretty and young that way. I don't mean like purity in a religious sense, my country was very atheist. I also didn't think girls that had sex were dirty like religious people do, more like weak and conforming to social norms. Their actions were illogical, if you got the attention anyway, why would you have sex then? Also, sleeping with someone gives a piece of you away when you are a sensitive person. I wanted to keep myself intact and now when I'm not that sensitive any more as I'm older, I don't think it is worth the drama, STDs or accidental pregnancy. I also think it is very unaesthetic that people get pregnant this way, too biological and physical and babies and sex are in a completely different category for me.
Guys don't get suicidal about the 60min of sex per week. This is missing the point, sex is not that important. The REAL thing they care so much about and work hard all their life for is female Companionship. They want someone they love and can spend their time with. (Aka working their butts off on a business for 20 years, so they can have someone to love and spend their lives with and not die alone, Not cus of the short sex part) Saying it's not important cus sex takes very short amount of time is missing the point, sex is just a small part of what people want, not being alone is what people Actually stress about. And that is very relevant as in not few minutes per week thing.
Today we are going to talk about why prisoners are so obsessed with being on freedom, you only have ~3h per day when you are free from work, self-care,sleep etc. stop so overthinking prisoners, it's not so important!
I had sex for the first time a week ago and I think that it's simultaneously not a big deal and important. Beforehand, I wasn't sure that a girl would ever want to be with me or that I would have to make dramatic life chances to attract a girl. While the second one might be true (I'm not around a lot of girls as part of my job and social circle, so I'm pretty much forced to go on Tinder), the first one isn't. It gave me the confidence to know that I actually can be pretty good at sex and that I can be more confident around women at least for that reason.
Nobody pays any attention to your point but that’s what every man struggling with this is thinking. Dr. K and most people don’t understand the work that it takes most men today in order to get sex and a relationship
Exactly, it gives you confidence and confirms that you're "normal", you're good enough, someone chose you. That's absolutely massive for your mental health for the rest of your life whether you're consciously aware of it or not. People who have sex and relationships at the normal age will never understand what it's like to go through life still wondering about those things.
I am a 26 year old male virgin. So I simply identified as a woman, and BOOM, problem solved. I can't get judged for being a virgin anymore. Sometimes, my genius is so monumental that is generates gravity.
Ah yes, the old uno reverse card: if sexism causes a trait of yours to be seen negatively, simply switch to the sex for which the trait is seen positively. 🧠🧠
@@incognitosecret2377 Maybe the second one. The first part is nothing more but more of the same sensual nonsense, which should not be taken too seriously. But talking is fair.
"Be yourself" is easily misunderstood, but it works. It's similar to the idea of nonchalance leading to success--if you don't worry about the outcome, you'll often find that you win in the end.
Who are the people who aren't anxious about money? The people who literally have none of it, or the people who have a steady paycheck which lets them pay all their bills each month? Who's less likely to be eating unhealthily if at all? The person with no money or time to prepare healthy food or the person who's able to cook what they want for themselves? The people least obsessed with sex are those who are having it regularly with someone they like.
But... what IS the next step towards a "monkly disposition"? No-fap burns up all sorts of willpower, but chasing sex burns up one's life. It seems like neither direction leads to freedom. Is the answer some sort of middle ground, to simply have sex when it comes up but consciously focus on nonsexual goals? I felt like this video brought up a lot of problems but didn't offer a productive way forward. @HealthyGamerGG, halp!
just try and gain that pleasure in healthy ways. if you have a partner, make sure that sex is more of an exercise in intimacy, grow together with them. if it's masturbation, don't watch porn, make it a special event and use it for self-love instead of a 5 minute distraction or 45 minutes of mindless stimulation, make it mindful
A straightforward tool/method when dealing with any issue, in every circumstance, ask the simplest question ever, ie. - "WHAT FOR !!!???" Till You get to the level of the Premise and further to the underlying Axiom. That clears away any delusions. That's what I learnt. That works in every circumstance. 🙏🙏 Good Work, Dr. K. 🙏🏻🙏🏻👍🏻🙂
Mid 20s, Virgin, No Spirituality. But seeing how Sex is so ... uneventful (for a lack of better words), i will start just enjoying the people i meet from now on. No thoughts about "ahh is this a potential partner for me?" or well.. i will try at least. I noticed that a whole lot of my insecurities come from that, and that alone.
This is what I mean when I say I'm asexual. I do experience sexual attraction and desire on occasion, but it's just not that important to me. Truly ALL of society is built around sex, but because I just don't care that much, I've freed myself up to build my life around other things. I have almost no debt, a degree, and am working on 2 more. I don't need much money to live, so I can save money and pursue fulfilling work rather than well-paid misery. I'm not very conventionally attractive, but I can work on it. There's no rush. And while I'm single, I have time to learn what I'm about REALLY well, so that when I do finally start pursuing long-term relationships, I'll be a hell of a catch (and self-secure too!) I cannot emphasize it enough: If you can let go of your obsession with sex/constant companionship, and prioritize what *you* want over others' expectations, you will be SHOCKINGLY free ❤
@@HellCat_Kenny lmao are you trying to suggest that people are having sex daily for the express purpose of making babies? that they're trying to have children with people once a week?
I'm a 22 y.o virgin and I went through the stuff Dr.K described, starting to compete with other guys, checking out how the "alpha" lives his life and some of the stuff said in the video. All of this messed me up after high school so from 17 until about 20 y.o, I've acted super weird with women and it took me too long to notice. Nowadays, 22 and I realized how many opportunities with nice girls I've had in the past that I just didn't get along with them because I acted like a weirdo and despearte at times, so yeah, everything Dr.K said in this video is all real and happened to me. Solution: First things first, knowing you have issues and what they are are both huge steps for improving what's wrong, so here's what I had, Social Anxiety and Insecurity. Basically these things, and how to fix them, the first I had to gather some courage and talk to people more, trying to have a chat at work and going out of my way to talk to people, I used to just wait until someone interacts with me, and so this served as a very good practice for both the anxiety because really, chatting with people is a natural ability we all have inside of us, if we're lacking, practice makes it show up again. Took me a couple of months though, ngl I've acted awkward, shy and my voice trembled at the beginning. As for tor the second thing, I've motivated myself to get a hobby. Just picked something out of my interest and tried sinking time into it without thinking too much, kinda like a "let's do it, whatever, I feel like it" moment and I'm going at it for two years now. When you're doing something that u find interesting and Productive, you have something to add value to yourself, to treasure because you like it and to talk about as well, so three things in one, the whole package. It makes a total difference in how you portray yourself to other people, how you introduce yourself, and then when you've got no subject to talk about you can bring it up. Another thing, there are many opportunities for meeting people who shares the same interests as you do through the internet or courses in your city, so there's that if you want to meet new people and coincidently practice talking as well. Changed my life, really, I'm now married with ten kids... Just kidding hahahah, but I'm living so much happier and confident in myself I don't really care about looking at other people anymore. Envyness um, it still shows in me from time to time, but not much, I got so much better I can use "feeling envy" of other people as fuel to improve myself, I kinda switched it a little now, it's a different feeling, based in the original one. Can't explain it better than that.
Thanks for providing a scientific explanation for what the ancient wisdom of the vedas teach. I will be showing this to my son when he hits puberty in a few years. Much appreciated.
22:00 this reminds me of epictetus and Marcus Aurelius where Aurelius said that you should imagine that you didn't have all the things you do have and imagine how much you would want them if you didn't and how epictetus said that no man is free who is a slave to his own desires and this was incredible of him to say considering he was a slave
Nah, we're not. There's a reason the overwhelming majority of virgins aren't this way by choice. Unless you're asexual to some degree it's painful and alienating every day to live like this. It's not just about sex either, that's actually only a small part of it. It's about never being loved, never being accepted, never holding hands or being hugged or having a first kiss, never going on dates, never being wanted, knowing you're a failure as a human, a genetic dead-end. People weren't meant to feel those things, it slowly destroys you inside. All your friends get married and have kids, you can't relate to people your own age anymore, you never fully grow up, it ruins your life.
It's as simple as this: sexual desire being such a strong emotion is one of the strongest drivers of our behavior. We could simply be aware of it and act truly according to our own values instead of being jostled around by these strong emotions. We should be in control, not these really strong emotions (not that emotions are bad but they could hold us hostage).
"we place value on people having a lot of sex" this is something i have been grappling with mentally since i am a virgin and my best friend has "a body count so high he lost count" and i realized that sex is like food for us. our bodies are naturally designed to consume as many calories as we can get our hands on because in evolution calories were scarce. but now in the modern world you can easily eat 10,000 calories in the form of ice cream for 2$ a gallon and now eating "as much as your body desires" is considered bad. well now lets take sex/social interaction even. in evolution having sex actually was not easy, not only did you have to find a mate but you also had to be vulnerable for a while while doing the deed. there was also no ability to use condoms or other forms of birth control. every time we had sex we had it with the intention of either making babies and/or showing love to our partners, which partners were also pretty hard to find compared to today. but just as eating too much food is a bad thing, can having sex "as much as your body desires" also be a bad thing? what kind of effects does the "pump and dump" hookup culture we have today cause on our psyches?
Casual sex is linked to a lot of negative mental health but more towards women. The more partners a woman has had the less likely it is that they can pair bond. That being said, a lot of people have casual sex without any adverse effects. Personally the more partners someone has, the less value I place on them whether it be male or female. It's disgusting and ruins my dating pool as I'd never want a woman who sleeps around. I'll still be friends with people like that but definitely respect them less. Believe it or not, a lot of women feel the same way about men. Just depends on your perspective on sex. Is it about showing love, intimacy, and care? Or is it just hedonic pleasure.
A ton of loss in self worth and opening ourselves up to being used by human predators like narcissists and sociopaths for their entertainment or as a sacrificial lamb to their ambitions. Basically too many sexual partners is like sleeping in a gazebo. Anyone at any time can come in to steal from you or kill you.
People in the comments are confusing sex with intimacy. There is a clear difference between those two! Intimacy can be thoughtfulness towards your partner, being a good listener to your partner, sharing and confiding in each other, etc. Sex counts into intimacy only when it is done with love for one's partner, not lust! Dr. K here talks about sex done with the intention of fulfilling lust. There is a clear difference!
I feel like it honestly does not matter lol. As a society we've placed some sort of importance on losing it, but it's not even necessary for day to day survival!
@@thesingularity3566I disagree. I think knowledge is the root cause. If Adam and Eve hadn't eaten of the fruit of knowledge, there wouldn't be any suffering. I think it's sin at the root which is amplified by the knowledge gained by the fruit.
My insecurity about sex appears a result of it being a part of a pantheon of social experience thus far walled off from me due to what is to my estimation a tragic awkwardness.
Around 21:30 it’s not the sex itself - it’s not the 21 minutes - that’s so important. It’s what it symbolizes. Someone willing (or not) to go there with you
"Think about what you want your life to be." Hottake: be happy - even if only for the 3-7min. Everyone, just everyone who did get sex in his life once, they all said: yeah its not a big of a deal. But the thing is: They already had some. It's always the people who have something which tell you that you don't need this one thing.
Dr. K has mentioned multiple times how lucky he is that his wife chose him and gave him a chance. I woman gave me a chance once back in 1985. In 1988 she informed me that she was pregnant by another guy. She moved out and married him. I guess that was my one shot at it. So I'm not a virgin, but I haven't had sex since 1988. I feel like I'm at peace though, because I have such low expectations. It's in those low expectations that I've found a way to survive life. I feel fortunate to be valued at work. I still work out 6 days a week and find solace in my routine. Definitely an outlier, don't think that makes me a guru.
I do not think you are an outlier friend! As long as you are at peace it should be fine. The only thing one would need to keep in mind is what happens when we grow old, sick and weak. Even if we work out every single day and live healthy age will eventually take its toll and prevent us from doing what we loved. Will we have people to rely on and take care of us then? Will we have people to talk to and share our pleasant memories? Will we just die alone in bed and then cry for all those years back then that went and those that never happened? These are questions that really worry me now as I also am unmarried and have no children.
@@ProtonCannon hes not an outlier because most men dont reproduce. at least she had the decency to leave and have the biological father take care of the baby.
I think a lot of the benefits Dr K listed of being celibate are also benefits of just being in a fulfilling relationship. If you’re in a relationship with someone and you don’t want to be with anyone else, then you won’t feel the need to perform in front of other girls, or compare yourself to other guys. Because what everyone else thinks of you doesn’t matter if your partner still likes you. So, why not just try to lock in a quality relationship, instead of becoming a volcel?
@@Randomio42 maybe that belief is whats stopping ppl from growing into a lovable person?? unshakable low self esteem/harmful beliefs can be hard on not just the individual person but, *others around them*. . ive seen this happen from both sides of the glass lol
@@Randomio42 that's a very good point, thankyou for clarifying! (i was a lil confused what u meant) but. . . i want to point out that all of those are problems with learnable solutions, not saying its easy, not by any means but practicing with people, patience with ones self, and enough awareness to observe what's going on/catch themselves makin mistakes & learning/experimenting ways to solve it works! (at least from my experience)
Bro i don't even want sex, i just want to be intimate with someone. Hugging under a blanket while talking about whatever or just being sleepy is like, peak dawg
I can't be lustful right now. My labido is running incredibly thin now due to physiological negative thinking patterns. I think I'm so burnt out on it that I gotta stop thinking so much and chill tf out. Isolation and overthinking, I feel tired all the fucking time.
It's nice when you meet someone and you're being yourself, enjoying eachother's company and you both suddenly realize you don't want to leave each other.... then you start thinking about sex. Now contrast that with stalking the streets like a predator and saying to yourself "Phwoar, she's fit... how can I get in her knickers?". Now you're being fake, playing a character and deep down you can't appreciate her because she doesn't love you for who you are and frankly you never bothered to pay attention to her to get attached in the first place.
So this video very much comes across like Dr K had a solution and tried to formulate evidence to support it. There is a litany of evidence that suggests having sex helps everything from having less anxiety to literally living longer.
Like he said in the video, hes not saying don’t have sex or saying that you should become celibate. He’s saying that idealizing sex, obsessing over it, and centering your whole life around it is not worth it. While I agree that Dr.K often incorporates eastern concepts that arent really scientific he did specifically say here multiple times that hes not telling you to stop having sex or to never have sex.
@@thomassavage5861 If that's the way this was phrased that would be one thing, but he quite literally goes into these studies about the brain and how they react when you're not having sex. He's clearly trying to paint it in a positive light. Not telling someone not to have sex is not the same as looking at the science that says having a healthy sex life is good for you. If you're going to give someone advice on something as to why something is "Healthy" than it's equally important to show what the science on the other side is. He critically failed to do that in this video.
I didn't ever reach Brahmacharya levels of celibacy, but making the conscious decision to talk to women I liked spending time with without trying to rizz them up was how I ended up in my long term relationship. As long as you already have a reasonably nuanced and natural personality it really is that shrimple.
Miyamoto Musashi once said, "Never have preference in life" and it can be connected with Dr.K's advice about freeing oneself from the bondage of internal 'wants'
Dr. K, I have been watching your videos for some time, and I often find you make arguments which seem to me to be complete non sequiturs, and this video is a prime example of it. I simply cannot see any reason to live for anything which is not sexual intimacy or a family derived therefrom, and I've personally spent the better part of ten years trying to find it or at least find an alternative to no avail, finding only coping mechanisms instead. While I do believe you have a genuine desire to help, I do not believe your message in this video will help others like myself who have already explored what you're suggesting and found nothing in it for them. What would you suggest someone in this sort of situation do?
I find your argument of "we build our life/self-worth on a 1-hour-a-week activity" really fallacious. When someone is presented with a really hard situation (think soldier in a difficult situation, armed attack, life or death situation of another being), isn't his action - or inaction - a representation of his values and self-worth ? A single, short moment, can represent a man's worth and values for life. If someone spends 1 hour a week beating up children, isn't it representative of his worth and values as a human? I am of course not comparing intercourse to a heroic action, just giving silly examples to show the argument doesn't hold.
It's challenging for me being raised baptist to not focus on sex because of how much I was told to hate it and the lengths my family went to to keep me away from it. I still want to have the sexual experiences I missed out on, not exactly but, something analogous to them. I guess I can try not thinking about sex or masturbation for a week and see if I get any closer to having those kinds of relationships. What I'm doing now isn't working.
I grew up Christian (not the same denomination as you) but honestly, when I was active in the church, I spent a lot more time thinking about not thinking about sex (and therefore thinking about sex) than when I left the church. I do actually feel more free in the way Dr. K is describing because I'm not worried about my "sinful thoughts" anymore, and I can just have fun and spend time with friends. It's definitely worth a shot, and don't beat yourself up for any sexual thoughts that crop up, it's super normal, you aren't failing if you have thoughts.
Same I’m raised Baptist/Presbyterian on top of being pushed towards the nerdy side of Asian culture so I was completely removed from any possible irl relationships. Right now just graduated college, and trying to learn as much as possible what I’m even trying to look for or how to be more attractive or casual. But yea got a lot of priorities mixed up and trying to sort through them.
I know this feeling of being so indoctrinated to believe that sex before marriage is a sin that the thought of having the desire to have sex at all came to feel sinful. But you gotta let go of this idea of feeling like you have to *not* think about it. Don't do that. There's no shame in the feeling. Come to accept the fact that we are all sexual beings. Sex is how we got here and intimacy between two people is very healthy. As long as it isn't interferring with your ability to be productive then don't worry about it. In fact, let it drive you to get out and meet people...and proceed to take part in it at whatevet pace you and your partner agree to, whether implicitly or explicitly.
I gained the same mindset of simply not caring about sex or that kind of intimate relationship. Basically, unless someone approaches me first I will not even consider anyone a romantic interest. Its very a liberating mindset, but also likely why I am still a virgin at age 20. Who cares lmfao I enjoy what I do, I pursued an education in what was once my hobby and now I'm one of the rare ones that gets to feel fulfilled every day. I talk to people I like, and I improve myself daily if only by a little at a time. Most of the change happens in my head most of the time though lol, maybe I just spend too much time in my head.
K, but then unless you get lucky and a girl actually has the balls to show obvious interest, you're just gonna end up sad and alone lmao. It gets 100x harder to meet single people as you get older. Also virgin at 20 is so fucking normal it's hilarious.
Ok you still gotta pursue. Unless you’re a girl, you can’t expect to be approached unless you’re already extremely social and put yourself out there. That isn’t to say don’t stress about it. But you see someone attractive, don’t let this keep you from talking with them.
@@theuserofdoom I would say this makes it easier to talk to them, because I would have been too afraid to approach them before, out of fear for the sheer possibility of things going romantically. However that's an extremely limiting fear so to avoid that I've established the approach discribed before. If I talk to someone and it turns out to be a close relationship, great 👍 I'm not against that, I will persue someone that I catch feels for. But I will basically not seek out romantic relationships on my own, especially if there is no reciprocal. I'm done with the act of seeking. I'll let life push me forwards and whatever happens happens. As long as I continue to be social and don't isolate into a hermit (something I've experienced and escaped before) maybe one day I'll meet someone. I have other things to focus on.
That whole concept of being a "better human being" he talked about in the beginning reminds me of a dream I had before about if normal, day-to-day life was gamified into a literal point-scoring exercise in which we all competed with each other to be the best in the world at what we might call "the game of life." Actually, I think I remember the phrase "championship of life" coming up in the dream, so I guess it's more of a Butch Jones reference if anything.
Me: "Love this channel. They speak about deep topics with scientific background" Dr. K: "Today we're going to speak about how the ultimate chads are actually virgins"
I think this video misses a key point that for most people who don't have sex, the real issue is not the lack of sex, but the lack of intimacy with another person. That is a much more significant problem than just the physical experience
And that sex is seen as a means to an end, the end being intimacy
Intimacy is part of the sexual craving, it can exist without sexual desire but generally, it's part of what we want from sex, not JUST the physical sensations that can be replicated without another person. Sex = intimacy. The whole video is about your craving for intimacy/sex. While there is a distinct difference between intimacy and sex, they overlap to the point that we often misrepresent what we're actually desperate for even in our own minds. Giving up on chasing sex also means giving up on chasing physical intimacy. If you truly are craving non-sexual intimacy, then you can achieve that as well, and much easier after discarding the mindless pursuit of sex.
It is very hard to watch this if you've been desperately alone and not feel attacked or have your deep-seated needs feel invalidated, and if you do feel this way, that's because on some deep level, you already know that your path to freedom involves discarding your obsessive thoughts about physical relations with another person.
Separating the two is quite important for appreciating both actually. 😅 Especially considering I recently came to terms with my autism, and I realised that I was actually quite fulfilled in the sense of intimacy. And how, due to the nature of autism, I can actually get “too much” of it and I pull away from it. Craving my own space.
And in the last 10 years I can only point to a handful of occasions when it was truly lacking. Whereas, I have had plenty of opportunities for casual sex, or even “sex first” so to speak, but my autism would always very bluntly say “no.” The idea of experiencing so many sensations that could actually disgust me or make me seriously uncomfortable is generally enough for me to have trust barriers the size of the Hoover Dam in the way. 😂Also because of my previous issue with phimosis, it could make sex REALLY quite painful and requiring a hospital trip and a further surgery to fix to fix (this was more down to neglectful parenting more than anything.)
Plus, there’s more to life than how many people have seen your P. and if people make fun of it, then that’s kind of on them not to be an asshole first and foremost.
@davidcamero2063 Now the real question is, if I have a cat, but nothing else, should I get the rat, the cow, the farm, and the family?
I'm pretty sure that no one who has serotonin flooding their brain throughout all of their waking moments is worried about lack of intimacy with others. Existence becomes fulfilling in itself when you get there. People just don't work towards that goal since they spend a chunk of their time in their life working towards things that they think will fulfill them- like finding a partner to have sex with and be intimate with.
Many people have intimate relationships yet are still missing something in life and/or wanting more.
I think that's the bigger point in this video
Dr K the type of person to name a video "Virgins Are Actually The Ultimate Chads" and talk about how to achieve nirvana
Every big channel nowadays is guilty of some level of clickbaiting.
Point to note, being a virgin and fapping everyday is not a chad thing to do. It's rather being in a content mental state and focusing on personal development.
This is the best summary of the video 😂😂😂
@@superneenjaa718 *_"Every big channel nowadays is guilty of some level of clickbaiting."_*
I'd much rather have a channel bait me in and learn something than to feel like I went against my better judgment.
@@Hawkenwhacker the best kind of clickbaiting
FOR REAL lmao
I'm 31(M) and just got married to a woman I met when I was 25. I forced myself to lose my virginity when I was 17 to someone I didn't trust and had multiple short-lived sexual relationships before I met my wife, some were intensely pleasurable but equally painful when they ended, if not more painful. If I could go back now and take a pass on all of those sexual encounters and just lose my virginity to my wife at age 31, I would. All of the messed up societal messaging and porn made be believe I was a loser if I wasn't sexually active. I wasn't, I was a loser for bowing out to toxic ideas and a porn-fuelled society. My advice to a younger me would be to work on myself, my inter-personal relationships and my career and wait until you find the right person to marry.
My advice to my younger self would be to take steroids, cause girls would reject me just because I was skinny
YES
This comment gave me some much needed comfort at 3am. Thank you
A true Chad never loses
🤣🤣
A true Chad wouldn't be here watching this video.
@@Raickei nah, i know a couple TRUE CHADs at my gym.
Super cool, down to earth dudes.
I'm more of a Chadlite on a good day, but a upper level normie on regular days.
And these guys engage me warmly, and two of them have given me insights to their dating life and WOW. Lmao.
Anyway, how i know they also watch videos on redpill is because once in a while they'd use terms only a person who watches content would know.
@@Raickei True chad is always trying to improve.
@EriPages lmao, Chads don't go onto the internet looking up improvement and redpill bs. The real ones are the ones already winning at life.
You are virgin because you are chad
I'm virgin because i can't get a girlfriend
We are not the same
a virgin chad because you cant get a girlfriend?
@@immockingu3510 Undesirable chad, sounds like an oxymoron...
@@itsez1129 probably
I feel like you're one of the honest ones here. Instead of coping and filling your head with empty platitudes you're being brutally honest. I respect that. Acknowledging the problem is the first step towards working on fixing it.
Its simply how things are supposed to work right. You're supposed to able to find a partner and form a loving relationship. If you've never managed to do that you are simply... deficient. But that means you can work towards making up for that deficiency. Lying to yourself isn't gonna fix anything. No such thing as a "virgin chad" (if you feel like using those words)
I was a virgin until 28 bc I didn't really care so I didn't even try, haha
I'm a virgin in my early 30s. I had no idea sex was typically so quick! I used to feel a lot of shame over my virginity. Therapy helped relieve that. I also have a distinctly spiritual part of my personality. This video is increasingly making me believe that ancient wisdom is a lot more intelligent than I typically give it credit for.
Sex is really fun. But it’s not anymore fun than eating a great meal, laughing with your friends, playing a competitive sport. I hope you do get to experience in due time but don’t rush yourself.
You're a Chad AND a Wizard!
Whether ancient Eastern ascetics are right or not, it shows that it's not necessary to think this way about sex. You can view it in a completely different context. So it doesn't matter if you believe one system of thought, the point is that there are several, each with no more intrinsic reality or validity than the others. Maybe you'll meet someone to sex one day, but if you do, it will be between you and them. You don't get a badge to wear after, and you don't need one!
It's very true, ancient wisdom about sexuality is actually very advanced...certainly do not put sex on a pedestal like most of society! I've been married and had lots of experiences, and also long periods of celibacy...but this video still clarified a lot of great points about the topic for me. I will say, however...saying sex only lasts 3-7 minutes is not necessarily a good benchmark. You have more to look forward to than that! Firstly because, how long it lasts typically depends on the guy, and most guys simply can't last long enough for the woman...so, that average means there are a lot of unsatisfied women. It's not difficult to do way better. Also, because defining "sex" only as duration of penetration is pretty limiting imho...Dr K mentioned foreplay, but that really shouldn't be considered an optional "add-on".... It doesn't have to be a whole evening ordeal, but how about just spending a half hour with your sweetie enjoying each other's not just physical form but emotional bond and even spiritual side....imho THAT is a better definition of "sex", and certainly worth doing once or twice a week.
@@ErlingGreyim probably asexual cus im not particularly interested in it. I find the idea of having sex with someone weird. Maybe one day ill find someone who id want to do it with but theyd have to be pretty special at this point.
I think you've found a solution to the fermi paradox. The aliens are too busy trying to get laid in stead of building spaceships.
There should however be an alien race where being a rocket engineer is the hottest shit ever.
This made me laugh embarrassingly hard....
Someone is totally going to use that as a Sci-Fi concept. And this may or may not be me
@@gvacken2253 Isn't being a rocket engineer the hottest shit already?
All this time we've been trying to build spaceships when we should have been trying to build relationships
Ngl this title sounds like this video is complete cope
Perhaps watching the video will provide a contradictory perspective.
Life is cope
😊
Thinking sex will make you a better, happier and more fulfilled person is complete cope.
Not completely. Determining your value as a human being based of how much sex you have is utterly useless as well as unhealthy. It doesn't mean not to pursue it however - its a great experience, but what Dr K is saying will help you find healthy sex, not just chasing it to make you feel better about yourself. I was that distraught 21 year old Virgin he discussed, and just getting rid of that V-card will not fix certain insecurities that caused that self deprecating behavior in the first place. The intentional monk style celibacy part is definitely a personal choice, but I assume only for the minority.
Nobody dies a virgin, life fucks us all😂😂
OBJECTION!
Some of us fuck our own lives up, thank you sir.
The only right comment.
Somebody get this absolutely philosopher a medal 👏 😂
Kurt Cobain
I think touch deprivation needs to be addressed more when talking about this sort of topic.
Exactly! What we secretly miss in our lives are not just sex, but also the woman's literal touch. The human skin is also an organ with needs which most people don't seem to realize
he already talked about this.
Thats still based on sexual relationships. If you lack touch and literally only want touch, get a pet.
So please be honest with yourself
@@newme1589 the idea that any and all affection is ultimately sexual is a symptom of the modern dysfunctional mind that has reduced everything to sexual orientation.
@@newme1589 as a touch deprived person who has had pets. Yea cuddling with them is nice, but it doesn't replace human touch
3-7 minutes of sex isn’t everything dr k. It’s the stuff that happens after sex. Like going out together with your significant other. Cuddling in bed and watching your favorite shows. Cooking together. Growing spiritually and pushing each other. People sacrifice so much like their careers and to be healthy so they can have all these things. Sex alone is so meaningless. I really believe people just want intimacy with another human being and we just think of sex being that since that’s the closest you’ll ever be physically with another human being.
The problem is most people do not chase "cuddling in bed" they chase that "amazingly hot" girl who gets a thousand swipes and never swipes YOUR profile. They don't chase eating sandwiches with someone while watching anime and talking about the universe, they chase some fantasy in their mind of someone sexy and amorous that makes them feel good about themselves.
If people were chasing actual relationships, warts and all, there would be less stress and men and women alike would use better discretion in their dating and relationships and people would form healthier, longer-lasting relationships.
Lololol imagine having sex for under ten minutes and not over an hour
Brought to you by Sapphic gang
None of that stuff is sex, so what’s your point? Dr k was talking about sex.
@@Amaling pfp checks out
@@themachine5647it’s not true at all that men only chase the hottest girls. The data (from dating apps) shows men are much more reasonable with looks expectations than women.
It’s the men that are tasked with doing most of the work with pursuing girls and facing constant rejection and it’s the women doing most of the rejecting.
There’s not an issue of a massive amount of ugly girls being left out. The majority (60%) of American women in their 20s are in a relationship. The men are being left out. Only 30% of American men in their 20s are in a relationship. Dr. K has talked about that’s tudy
On one hand you're right, but on the other it feels like denying my problem. Meaning that if I want physical intimacy, but then think "It's not that important" - it doesn't help. I would say it feels even worse, because now I want physical intimacy and feel dumb for caring about something insignificant.
The problem is that you wanting physical intimacy isn't a real physical need. Sure, you feel like you need it but do you really? It isn't the same thing as being hungry or wanting the bathroom. Your mind is the one in command, not your body. So, you can live without it.
@@n4ughty_knight it's not really a physical need, but have you considered it as mental need? like loneliness, being lonely surely ain't gonna literally k!ll you, but it does take a toll on your mental health. I thing $ex is in similar vein to that.
@GodfreyFairhand Actually, they do...
@GodfreyFairhand I don't know how to explain the psychology behind it but this is one of the reasons why we don't use the bathroom everywhere like animals.
@@supayambaekbeing lonely is an emotion exclusive to humans. Just stop being so human, and problem solved! Works for me
I'll have to disagree here that teaching people their sexual desires are making them obsess over that want of interaction with the opposite sex. Took me years to finaly figure out that my obsession in getting a relationship had nothing to do with sex but 100% emotional needs not being met by my parents. Emotional connection is the whole point of getting in a relationship and it's about time people like Dr.K with a voice spread the word.
It takes a strong person to talk about personal intimate issues, it looks like you did a lot of introspection and therapy to figure out what is blocking you from having the emotional experiences you are looking for. I wish you well.
And how exactly this helps? It's impossible to make your parents un-neglect your child self. So anything done because of emotional neglect is like putting food in the mouth of a corpse that died of starvation. The milk has spilled and the ship has sailed.
What Dr.K says is that precisely this need is the problem, so getting rid of it will make it not a problem that needs to be shoddily remediated. Accept the rats so you don't need the cat/cow/field/family chain altogether.
@@phosspatharios9680 You have to recognize a problem to first deal with it. What doctor kay is focusing on is sexual desires, our lustful impulses have little to nothing to deal with emotional needs. Both are dealt with by different things.
He does address this in other videos.
But that is the issue: people attempt to achieve emotional intimacy by seeking sex. Love is conflated with sex. Confidence is conflated with high fashion and semi-nudity. Somehow, a lot of the present society has conflated emotions and love with physical intimacy. Heck, even some types of fine food are called "sexy".
This is not to comment upon the problem you have identified. This is only to stop solving an emotional issue with physicality. Because, at the end of the day, it is the same as drug addiction - to find meaning by inducing an artificial high. Both are a dead-end and will not take one anywhere.
there is a lot of shame and stigma about being a virgin nowadays which is what I feel leads to feeling guilty about it
It was there when I was a teenager in the 2000s, it was there for the generation above me and the generation above them. It's an old toxic belief system
True. This is why people need to stop talking about sex. It's just another form of coin now.
The stigma always existed, the problem is that nowadays people have sex without responsibility.
The problem with being a virgin nowadays is not "lack of sex", is you being repulsive to the opposite gender UNLESS you actively choose to stay a virgin. Before most people chose to stay virgins until marriage, but the stigma of being a loser always existed
It’s just a quick label to say you’re a social pariah and that physically and emotionally you are accepted by no one and rejected by most
The way people treat virgins is why SOME virgins become violent
"If you are not lustful, you'll become OP"
Asexuals: I guess I'm a superhero now!
man i feel scammed. I'm asexual but I don't feel OP :(
@vegas5446 OP stands for over-powered, its a gaming term. it means something is too strong/effective, to the point of being unfair.
@vegas5446 In gaming terms OP = Overpowered
@@PsycheTrance65I don't feel that OP either (demisexual) but think of all the money and time I save by not consuming pornography or chasing hookups! 🙏🏼 Wuahahaha!
... Well also I don't really have much time to think about even worrying about that.
This video should've been called asexuals are the ultimate chads, cuz virgins may or may not have the same lust//desire as non virgins
This is so true! After a lot of confusion in life, I am absolutely puzzled with my sexual identity. I am 27 years old and never have gotten with anyone. And I really don't even know if I want to. It's taken me years to recover from thinking I was a failure for that. Now I've been able to decide to let it all rest and not think about it so much, to just accept my confused self for who I am, even if I don't know what that means. In doing so, it freed up mental bandwidth and has allowed me to start thinking more clearly and even lets the subject of sexuality be less confusing & painful to me. I feel like I'm on my way to figuring out myself, at long last.
I am technically not a virgin but last time I was into a relationship was … 11 years ago and it honestly feels like I have no experience (should it be purely sexual, kissing a partner and even just talking with some kind of sexual tension). I am not « losing » per se but still, I became so used to this life that I can’t imagine being with someone anymore and I must say this is where I am losing by no longer being able to project myself to any other relationship
You might be missing out on some life experiences by not having the chaos a close intimate relationship entails, but at the same time you probably have a lot more peace of mind than the average relationship enjoyer.
I'm thinking that could be considered a very worthy and voluntary trade-off and thus not "losing" but rather playing a different game altogether.
@@kristianjensen5877 As long as it's a choice, yeah.
As long as it is.
U are just like me. Enjoy the piece of mind bro and try to create, learn stuff. Enjoy the beauty of nature, nurture your unique thoughts and attitude towards life.
I do want to say that, for me, sexuality is a fight between my conscious and my biology. So the point that we can only regulate something for so long is right on point. I’m not constantly thinking about sex, but once the biology goes “I’m horny” it’s only a matter of time before I lose, which honestly makes sense to me. I’m not the one who has offspring, my biology does, and it uses me to achieve its goal of reproduction.
So I think the first step is creating that distinction,and realizing that it’s not you, it’s your animal.
Indeed. We humans are more intelligent, and we have had made more of nuances and experiences for us to reap off lot of enjoyment from. We should not limit it all to "biological reasons"
I love the way you frame this argument! I like to think of myself as controlling a monkey, and sometimes the monkey has needs.
but that animal is the real you. you can't fight him and you shouldn't. biology won't matter for you only when your consciousness will transfer from your physical body to Matrix, like we see in numerous phantastic books and films.
Tbh I dislike the argument of separating myself from my more unconscious instincts and thoughts. The “animal” is just as much part of who I am as the part of my brain I’m using to make this argument.
Imo this line of thinking pits your conscious self against your unconsciousness which is a fight you will inevitably lose. I’d rather get that part of me to work for me
Separate the biology only for the purpose of getting it in control while recognising it a essential part of you and it's purpose
Clicked on it for the Chad, stayed for the spiritual enlightenment
😂
Great video Dr. K. You've made me realise something that's been brewing inside me for quite some time, but that I couldn't express or really nail down in my head. When you were talking about how liberating freedom from internal desires and societal conditioning can be I went through a moment of epiphany. Thanks for making these videos!
This makes sense, one of my life biggest regret is a few years ago how I missed a few cute girls I could have slept with but didn’t because I lived with my parents and had nowhere to bring them. Overvaluing the sex is where that regret comes from.
@@Dimitris_Half who knows. The way he writes, this was maybe his only chance in life for having sex.
@@Dimitris_Half oh so you can see the future and know somehow there will be more chances?
Nowhere to bring? Uhmm..motels?
@@Dimitris_Half It sucks because I haven’t had such opportunities since, I do get girls and hookups here and there but it’s not an easy thing and usually the girls aren’t the cutest. I’m sad because those 3-4 girls were ready for it, we went on a date and all, if only I could have asked them over it would have been done and we’d have fucked. I still regret it sometimes because it feels unfair, other guys in their early twenties have much better logistics than me but I also know it’s my responsibility to improve my situation to fix it.
@@jacket2383 I still feel it, it’s hard to move on
Great video Dr K!
I find it very facinating how the more you talk about eastern philosophy, the more parallels my brain makes with Stoicism, which I've grown convinced to be the western equivalent. When you said "Bondage to our internal self is the source of our suffering." I was instantly reminded of a quote from Epictetus: "No man is free who is not a master of himself".
Another quote of his "Wealth consists not in having great possesions but having few wants" and the defining belief of the stoics that "Suffering comes from your perception of the situation you're in and not the circumstance itself" sound very much like what eastern monks percieve as enlightenment.
Honestly I don’t do something just because I’m lonely. I don’t wanna regret my life through bad experiences or vulnerability.
Good on ya. The last thing you want is kids with some psycho.
You'd rather regret sitting back and doing nothing?
It is wise to think about the possibilities beforehand
But it is harmful to obsess over them
What is better? To try your hardest and fail with grace? Or to have never tried at all because you were too scared so some self-made up consequences?
@@inquisitionagent9052 don't play a rigged game
to me, its not about sex, but about some romance and having that one special person. and im obsessed about it.
Same
Can you connect with other human beings, even platonically?
@@riverman6462 i can. Rarely though, i dont vibe with 99% of people, i dont have much friends. Why?
Romance died in the 50s
Well, try to find a good romantic partner and say to them that you don't like sex and sex is not important. And look how they run away, because they want sex too.
There's no intimacy and romance without sex (except asexuals but they're just a little different.)
Not sure how to feel about this one. For the first couple decades of my life, I was fine. I wanted to be with someone, of course. But I didn't obsess over it, go out of my way to lose my virginity, or dislike who I was. I still don't...but I'm 33 years old now. And it's weighing on me. It doesn't feel right. I feel like I would be good to someone and it's beyond time to experience the things most people experience. So, as Chad-like as I've been up to this point in my life, any benefit I've gotten from being a monk doesn't seem to be doing me good now.
It’s because Dr K is wrong here. The obsession with sex is about much more than sex. It’s about human intimacy which you only get with a relationship.
The point that working your whole life around trying to get a relationship is dumb because sex is just 10 mins a week is so bad. For most men they have to put that kind of effort into pursuing sex and a relationship or they are not getting it
@@minabotieso6944 So the answer is masturbation, and regularly talking to women that no matter how they look they share similar values and accept what you do with your time. I am practically like this guy here, but the best solution I can come up with is to not think about it and think of something else other than intimacy that can fulfil me. Intimacy in it's best forms happens with like minded people and pursuing it makes you seem like a starving man that would do anything to eat including murder. If you don't pursue it and find pride and contempt in other things people might see you as safe enough to approach and not a potential r@pist.
23yo virgin here.
I'll try to relay it as I understood it. I think Dr. K is right about the fact that you shouldn't obsess over sex (which is a trend in Western society) - something you'd do once a week for 3-7 minutes on average (and even if someone has sex every day, I guess it's still normally less than 1% of their weekly time). You're living a life, after all, you have different things you can be truly happy about. Sex shouldn't be something that all of your life revolves around and/or that you keep thinking about. When you stop obsessing over it, you can gain a better outlook at life and at other people because you wouldn't have to do everything just to facilitate your sex life. You'll also stop seeing people in a sexual context (comparing/competing or viewing as sexual object/something to attain) and start enjoying being in the moment with them as they are.
I thought a lot about how being aroace and never desiring romance, sex, intimacy etc. could be so liberating. I'm even ready to go completely voluntarily celibate for the rest of my life, because I feel like I'd rather be alone my whole life than suffer from this bullcrap called sexual desire (despite the fact that celibacy is actually a sin in my religion). My life does maybe kind of revolve around finally getting laid, because I've been generally wishing to get into a relationship, and probably I could focus on something else and achieve more if I didn't worry about it so much in my head - or maybe not, I've been kinda lazy even before I started feeling horny at all and my problems might go beyond that, which is also why solving my problem with sex might not help - but still it'd be super nice to eliminate that potentially disruptive factor from my life. Sometimes I catch myself thinking that everything I do is to look good in front of girls - even the basic human decency things like trying to dress normally, taking basic care of my hygiene and looks (shower, use deodorant, shave my face, comb my short hair to the right), doing swimming to improve physical health. Maybe it's not true though, there're things in my life I sometimes enjoy like chatting with university group mates (but almost never really one on one), playing video games etc.
As to why I'm still a virgin - I had some bad experience with interacting with women (in terms of getting closer to them), and some insecurities won't let me even ask for her name (let alone permit me to wish to try and to talk to her more personally) or ask her out after a really nice chat.
Dr. K mentions how nofap is hard because those who participate in nofap don't actually deal with the underlying issue of horniness (the obsession), which is exhausting because it requires them to suppress their obsession over sex really hard. So would "stop obsessing over sex" work so simply? How exactly would giving up on the obsession with sex be different from suppressing it? Is Dr. K really addressing the issue at hand with his advice?
Technically, it means that, as a part of not lusting, I mustn't entertain lusty thoughts about women I see like, "Whoa, she's pretty!" and instead I should carry on with my life. But is it realistically possible when I can feel the desire I have for women I see in front of me? It occurs unwillingly sometimes, it accumulates, I get frustrated because my insecurities won't let me even ask for her name and it makes me feel miserable. It's not a matter of "should", but a matter of "can" I really go volcel? Or maybe I'm perceiving it wrong? Maybe I just don't want to try and not think of women in a sexual way, I want to keep indulging and not improving in other parts of my life? Should I just find a full-time job that would keep me occupied for the most of my time so that I could focus on it instead?
I don't know man, being soul-crushingly lonely for all of the 32 years of my life doesn't really make me feel like a winner.
I'd venture to say that my friends who live in happy relationships and are raising children are probably doing better.
Just a feeling I have.
This video is about lust rather than loneliness.
Then you gotta change your criteria for being a winner, dude.
The way you phrased this was doomed from the start, and funnily enough doesn't pertain to what Dr. K said. Of course, you being lonely, are going to be not as happy as people in "happy relationships". But you chose to compare to people in happy relationships. There are people who have sex that aren't in happy relationships, and there are definitely people who have sex that you are happier than. That being said, given the societal importance we've placed on having sex, and based off this comment, the importance you have placed on sex has given you the imperative that if you aren't having sex, you must be lonely. To this I would say, listen to Dr. K and just give up. Give up on having sex. It will be so liberating feeling 32 years of failed effort lifted off your back. Knowing that you aren't chasing it anymore, you can move past it and live a happy life without it. So long as you compare with other people and obsess about having it, you will continue to be lonelier than those people who you idolize.
Sex won’t fix that, do you agree?
@@tythetasmaniantiger7 I have never idolized anyone in my life. Just wanted to mention that.
I will also admit I did not listen to the video. (Do forgive me, I do watch Dr. K occasionally, but based on the title this specific video just sounds like something that will just annoy me if I watch it). While there might be people more miserable than I am who are having sex, as long as they are having sex consensually, one can only assume that sex adds something positive to their lives - after all, if it didn't, they wouldn't be doing it.
While a happy, loving relationship would be ideal, my current life would be improved by having regular casual sex as well. While plenty of casual sex with attractive women would not remove my loneliness completely, it would alleviate it. Regular consensual and non-compensated sex with attractive women would provide me with the physical pleasure of intimate touch and skin-to-skin contact, and with the emotional stimulation of being trusted, being accepted and feeling attractive and wanted. These are not desires we feel because society tells us to feel this way. These are all normal and healthy desires we all evolved to have. Not only that, but most people eventually find someone they can have at least some kind of sexual/romantic relationship with.
This is why giving up on this is, in the purest sense, cope. It is resigning to being one of the few people who are so remarkably _undesirable_ that you can simply never satisfy the natural human need for sexual/romantic companionship, and coping by either saying that you don't even want it, or by trying your best to not even think of ever having this companionship. While accepting this and moving on with your life is possible, and there is even a form of stoic or ascetic strength to it, in the end it is still losing. By conquering your own deep desire for sexual connection you might be losing with your head held high - but you're still losing. There is simply no way to reframe being unwanted as a victory.
I thought i was cool for losing my virginity at 14 as a guy. It took a lot of reflection to be able to say in my 20's that i don't think it was good for my development. I've been away from sex for a few years now and single for almost a decade. Now, i don't want to have sex with someone unless i have some degree of confidence that I am willing to marry and have children with them
At least you found out early that sex in itself is no big deal 😂
@@anthea6669only people who have had sex say that is no big deal
@@johngibson4874 well the act itself is pretty boring (in my opinion) and the first few times were painful but some things that come with sex can be a pretty big deal
I had sex for the first time at 19. It was a textbook hookup that left me feeling a mild sense of regret. And ever since then it's been like a sledgehammer to my sex drive, haven't been chasing ever since. I want to meet the right person and keep being disappointed
@@johngibson4874because only they can understand an experience sex and not only through imagining how it would be ideally.
Like, I'm down to acknowledge virgins as Chads, but you're:
1. Conflating "virgin" with "non-lustfullness", which are not the same
2. Making the assumption that not having sex "frees up" all those parts of the brain. What if it exercises them?
There's a ton of evidence that a healthy sex life is good for us. We don't need to make false equivalencies and assumptions to make virgins feel better. We can deconstruct the concept of virginity altogether and stop placing value on people depending upon their sexual activity.
Bravo! Well said! 👏
I honestly think you missed the point here, as he never said that people who are virgins are inherently non-lustful; in fact, the primary focus is that we, as humans, many of us virgins, are lustful, and those who are virgins and can accept it are going to have healthier sex lives later on when societal expectation is derailed and we simply live our lives the way they should be: with the intent toward self-improvement. Sexuality must come when a person is mentally understanding of sex's reality, and then when one has pursued that which brings contentment, relationships and sexual joy will follow. He even said it at the end, he isn't asking us to become monks, but simply asking that our intent is to stop obsessing.
I haven't watched the video, I just saw the title and wanted to comment "copium".
But I did wanna say based from your comment alone that I feel there's at least 2 types of virgins: the ones who don't want sex and the ones who can't get it.
Those who can't get it aren't always ugly/unlikable etc... sometimes they simply want it, but can't socialize properly from becoming too anxious. Whether it be from trauma, flat-out anxiety, or other similar mental factors. In my experience, someone in that situation may find that the false equivalencies just make them feel worse, because of the whole "copium" underlying feeling behind them. I don't really have a solution for those people other than to remember everyone has a different life, and if you don't try and force something to happen and slow down, you'll notice things start happening on their own. Like riding a bike, or when your walking and thinking about walking so you walk weird. But if you just stop thinking about the walking, it becomes normal.
@@avriel6903 I know, but his route to get there in the beginning included those logical leaps I mentioned. We don't need to do mental gymnastics to get there.
@@Lysergic_ Right, and he covers that later in the video. I like the video's message overall, but I didn't like a couple of logical leaps he took to get there in the beginning.
See there is a difference between wanting a relationship and wanting sex. The biggest issue is that while yes sex is on average 7 minutes once a week, there are way to many cases of entire relationships ending because "you were not enough" (happens to everyone, just more common to guys).
So searching for the sex becomes a surrogate for "wanting a person who wont leave".
I think the argument made in this video is great *if* we take away the main concern of people who feel bad about being virgins which is lack of connection and intimacy, which is most definitely *not* a "small 1hour in a week thing", in that case it feels very dismissive.
Yeah there’s a disconnect between the title and the content because I don’t think he actually runs the UA-cam account. But I believe he’s more addressing people who struggle with lust
Here's the problem, doctor. Lack of relationships usually sends a signal to others that there is something "wrong". We notice this. It hurts. So in my case whenever I look up what I should do to change it: Be confident, be happy, be yourself. I am not confident or happy by nature. So then I look up how to be more confident and happy and the advice is... get laid. In order to stop being a virgin I have to already not be one. Open the box with the crowbar in the box. Meanwhile people compare me to the likes of Elliott Roger while ignoring how plenty of awful people in history were sexually active. I get called an entitled incel the most when I say "I just want to be normal"
you can compensate via weed or alcohol. it will help you massively you will forget about problems. just dont overdo it.
@@QWERTY-gp8fd not sure if that’s the right strategy dude. U just numbing not fixing the root
I actually laughed out loud at the absurdity of the statement and not only that but the truth. I have been channeling too much energy into my obsession with sex. It makes me laugh at myself, but I'll give myself grace cause good god knows I need it and my life's worth so much more than 13 minute intervals.
Women hate awkwardness when it comes to sex, it doesn't make them feel safe or secure when an inexperienced man is with them. That's typically why male virgins are looked at as broken or odd. It's also a way for them to discern whether or not the guy is a axe murderer or worth investing in. If no other woman wants the guy then they must not be that great.
Regardless, a woman's emotional security will always be valued by them since it's what keeps them safe.
Only insecure and "broken" people think like that. It's ironic how you described perfectly fine people as insecure and insecure people as healthy and normal.
Dr. K up with the topic as usual 💪
God I love dr K’s normalization and explanations of these hard to discuss feelings! I just wish I saw this video 5 years ago as a high school freshman constantly being guilty for my sexual feelings as someone who had a lot of pent up sexuality. As I got older I realized that it’s okay to masturbate a lot, and it’s just a lot easier to function when you have your needs taken care of instead of feeling guilty about them and spending all your motivation on resisting natural and easily managed impulses.
I’ve always felt like my drive to pursue a relationship and or sex has been very inconsistent. I have periods where I crave it, periods where it’s the last thing on my mind. But it never persists or causes me anguish that I never have had sex. I do pretty good for myself in a healthy way (self pleasure) and overall I’d say I’m a pretty happy person overall. I’ve never understood the strong connection to the “virgin” label and what lengths people will go to remove that…
Pretty sure the issue was never about the actual pleasure.
It’s about the lack of choice lmao.
It’s the loneliness that comes with it.
But aye, guess I’m an absolute Gigachad now.
Speaking from experience, I feel like this stems more from an insecurity in yourself and probably how attractive you think you are. Since the end thought is that no one wants to be with you or that you’ll never find someone.
I struggled with this a ton, and honestly still do a bit. But some things that did help was getting friends irl that are girls (in no romantic sense).
Also dating apps. I was so convinced that I was never gonna get a match that when I got a single match after a while, it boosted my confidence enough where it’s like “ok at least I’m not abysmal.” Dating apps still suck but yea. Also even if you’re not gay, say you are. You’ll get a ton of likes from guys which will definitely help.
I saw this quote from Jeff Bezos saying that a lot of stress doesn’t come from overworking but from not doing something about something that you can act on. I saw this quote after I started all of this and it has helped a lot.
I’ll probably try to start asking people irl soon. I feel like I’m almost in the headspace to do that and take rejections fine.
@@varencilator
Ok, you’re reading far too much into what I said.
It’s mostly about the relationship.
Sex just formalises it.
@@theuserofdoom "I feel like this stems more from an insecurity in yourself and probably how attractive you think you are."
When people say this or something like this then they always assume that either you just lack some curage or you are simply very delusional about yourself. People rarely use it to imply a possible deep rooted partially true cause for this. They are like: "You are "just" insecure so "just" get some confidence", like it is a pill or an item at the grocery store.
@@itsez1129 Exactly. Please read everything else I've written below - it seems like you did not. I've been struggling for years on how to actually get confidence and understand the roots of insecurity. I hate it when people say insecurity like it's something you can just remove.
Guys tend to need actionable solutions. There's already a lot of male improvement content available online that does give good advice e.g. workout, etc. From my experience, finding friends who are girls and making dating app accounts (even if not successful) takes off a lot of pressure.
This was literally like a pill for me. Some other things that helped a lot were laying off social media, pop music, and porn. Basically, anything that conditions you to keep thinking about attractive girls in a sexually valuable way, or reminds you that there are other guys involved in this whole thing. Cuz that puts mental pressure on you = stress = anxiety = depression = loneliness/hopelessness.
Lack of choice? lmao, you really think you have a say in it?
This monk story translated to sex is hilarious and so spot on. Willing to have sex or having sex is an animal impulse and should have nothing to do with self-worth...society will try to convince you and pressure you to think and feel otherwise but really it is not.
I always hear how you "lose" your virginity but for me was always about "giving it" to someone.
I think that the "losing" comes from the fact that a lot of people feel that it was lost because they didn't give their virginity the importance at the time they decided to have sex and now it has a more deeper meaning in their lifes. For me was always more about intimacy than just a natural need or something to get rid of. And yes im still a virgin.
Loose or lose?
Agreed 👍
A friend of mine has no ambitions, big dreams or intense passions but he does have hobbies and appreciates little things in life. People call him unmotivated but he has absolutely no mental illness, FOMO does not exist in his world and he is probably the most content, emotionally resilient and stable people I’ve ever met and I’ve known him almost all my life and have rarely ever seen him sad or angry. The ones who call him weird or unambitious are the very people who have constant breakdowns and are easily emotionally dysregulated. They feel threatened by the fact he doesn’t need luxuries, big achievements or constant external praise and validation to feel good in his own skin. Most likely his brain produces very high levels of serotonin.
This would line up with the theory of increased serotonin and contentment with less drive and lust. Many hyper ambitious and goal driven people have ADHD, perfectionism, OCD etc. which are linked to lower serotonin. My friend is the opposite, he’s not depressed, just content.
Also it's kinda ridiculous for you to call virgins "chads" while happily married. Like a billionaire pulling up to a homeless slum in his Lamborghini and saying "you guys are so cool" before driving off. Utterly meaningless.
Yup, and now he released a video on how being lonely is good (he has 1.8mil subs, loving wife and kids...). He is so disconnected from is audience.
@@antongorov5275you’re free to make the same video he did on the topic since you can speak from experience
I was a virgin until I was 32. Honestly, I'm amazed it happened that early in my life. I've never really been very suave or good at flirting with women at all. And it sucks how much pressure young people have, especially guys when they haven't had sex by the age of 18 or whatever. I remember a friend of mine who was more popular than me signed my senior yearbook by saying, "Get some ass, man. Okay?"
32 is early? In what world???
@@Randomio42 I wanted to do it at least once.
@@inquisitionagent9052you and everyone in these comments are so rude to the guys talking about struggling to get sex which is exactly why there’s an obsession with it.
He is not saying 32 is early. He is saying he is surprised it happened at 32 because he expected to never get it.
You should have signed his with "well, give me yours!"
@@inquisitionagent9052 in India. Arranged marriages
This is a recurring realisation I have found in myself,
I only feel lustful for casual sex when I don't feel like I have a clear direction day to day, or If I's had crap sleep
Being lustful is exhausting and you don’t actually have control of yourself. It takes some time but if you stop looking at girls that way your brain will do it less and less. Of course you cannot end being horny but you can reduce it drastically
literally me.
M colleagues have sexual thoughts about women n stuff and I'm just like... Alright.
Also there might be someone waiting for me at home, so why would I have thoughts about women that way I don't even know? They are weird.
@@CsabaGamings"they are weird" no, both of you are completely normal
It’s kinda sad to not have horny thoughts, it takes the excitement away
I hate when I’m with my gf of 5 years and there is a hot girl so my ape brain goes haywire and you try to look at her ass right in front of your gf. That’s definitely not right and it sucks to not be able to control our desires. It makes me feel like I’m not actually in love and I can’t stand it cause my gf is pretty with a nice body and she’s an structural engineer and I work at jimmy Johns LOL. wtf is wrong with me to even thing about ditching her for some hotter girl that’s gonna probably end up dumping me in the end. People tell me I’m attractive so it makes staying in a relationship hard when I have so much temptation.
@@Windbend3ryo buddy. it's not a crime to have a thought. as long as YOU want to keep your relationship and cherish what you currently have, i don't think you should beat yourself up for finding other people attractive. it's an annoying part of most people's biology. just don't stand and gawk at someone's ass, you know?
Rich people: money isnt everything
Pretty people: looks dont matter
$e× havers: Virgins are Chads
Well, yeah. If a poor, ugly, virgin were to say those things the comments would call it cope. Who's supposed to tell y'all if not the people who have those things?
Underrated lol
I'm a female virgin over 30, not ugly or obese, and always thought virginity is something I wanted to have since I was a teenager, because virgins were always described in a positive way, like them being young a pretty. So I didn't understand why would anyone wanting to give it up, always assumed the girls losing it were doing it for social pressure and were weak.
I wanted to be a virgin forever, to keep my purity and subconsciously thought I would be pretty and young that way. I don't mean like purity in a religious sense, my country was very atheist. I also didn't think girls that had sex were dirty like religious people do, more like weak and conforming to social norms. Their actions were illogical, if you got the attention anyway, why would you have sex then?
Also, sleeping with someone gives a piece of you away when you are a sensitive person. I wanted to keep myself intact and now when I'm not that sensitive any more as I'm older, I don't think it is worth the drama, STDs or accidental pregnancy. I also think it is very unaesthetic that people get pregnant this way, too biological and physical and babies and sex are in a completely different category for me.
@@analogueapples so good women still do exist
Here you dropped this btw 👑
Real af. I love seeing people talking about problems they never experienced, how more of a hypocrite than that can you get?
Guys don't get suicidal about the 60min of sex per week. This is missing the point, sex is not that important.
The REAL thing they care so much about and work hard all their life for is female Companionship. They want someone they love and can spend their time with. (Aka working their butts off on a business for 20 years, so they can have someone to love and spend their lives with and not die alone, Not cus of the short sex part)
Saying it's not important cus sex takes very short amount of time is missing the point, sex is just a small part of what people want, not being alone is what people Actually stress about. And that is very relevant as in not few minutes per week thing.
I agree
Sex is nothing if it's not for reproduction.
Real chads don’t let anything stop them from improving and enjoying themselves whether they’re virgin or not
Based.
You got it.
enjoying themselves 🗿
@@Randomio42 its almost like you didnt watch the video
Real Chads don't even care about improving themselves because they already enjoy themselves
Today we are going to talk about why prisoners are so obsessed with being on freedom, you only have ~3h per day when you are free from work, self-care,sleep etc. stop so overthinking prisoners, it's not so important!
Wut
Based. He is on hard copium. Incels are pathetic depressed betas, hated by women and society
Very bad analogy, the only prisoner is your mind.
I had sex for the first time a week ago and I think that it's simultaneously not a big deal and important. Beforehand, I wasn't sure that a girl would ever want to be with me or that I would have to make dramatic life chances to attract a girl. While the second one might be true (I'm not around a lot of girls as part of my job and social circle, so I'm pretty much forced to go on Tinder), the first one isn't. It gave me the confidence to know that I actually can be pretty good at sex and that I can be more confident around women at least for that reason.
Nobody pays any attention to your point but that’s what every man struggling with this is thinking.
Dr. K and most people don’t understand the work that it takes most men today in order to get sex and a relationship
Same
Exactly, it gives you confidence and confirms that you're "normal", you're good enough, someone chose you. That's absolutely massive for your mental health for the rest of your life whether you're consciously aware of it or not. People who have sex and relationships at the normal age will never understand what it's like to go through life still wondering about those things.
I am a 26 year old male virgin. So I simply identified as a woman, and BOOM, problem solved. I can't get judged for being a virgin anymore.
Sometimes, my genius is so monumental that is generates gravity.
based
@@bro918 "a cringe man will always think hes based but a based man is truthful to his cringe self" - lao tzu
that's vaguely funny. I laughed
Ah yes, the old uno reverse card: if sexism causes a trait of yours to be seen negatively, simply switch to the sex for which the trait is seen positively. 🧠🧠
Or just say that you're poor. Nobody gives a damn about you if you don't have any money to share with them.
Think lightly about your self, deeply about the world
Miyamoto Musashi
Sex is so much more than the 3-7 minutes. It's everything leading up to it and everything that follows.
Such as?
and that's the problem, as Dr. K says, it's the obsession over it
@@spaghettiking653foreplay and pillow talk, for example.
@@incognitosecret2377 Maybe the second one. The first part is nothing more but more of the same sensual nonsense, which should not be taken too seriously. But talking is fair.
Wow!! Huge thanks to you man, you literally change my point of view about everything in life.
‘Lol you’re a virgin’, bro I’m just focusing on the divine
"Be yourself" is easily misunderstood, but it works. It's similar to the idea of nonchalance leading to success--if you don't worry about the outcome, you'll often find that you win in the end.
Who are the people who aren't anxious about money? The people who literally have none of it, or the people who have a steady paycheck which lets them pay all their bills each month? Who's less likely to be eating unhealthily if at all? The person with no money or time to prepare healthy food or the person who's able to cook what they want for themselves?
The people least obsessed with sex are those who are having it regularly with someone they like.
This channel was really cool once upon a time. Well, all good things comes to end.
I knew it! Now, back to my stamp collecting while wearing my Charizard onesie. 😂😂😂
Please make one video on actually taking action and getting out of the constant planning stage
🎶 You are coping 🎶
🎶 Coping and seething 🎶
21:38-21:44
“Freedom is obedience to self-formulated rules”
- Aristotle
But... what IS the next step towards a "monkly disposition"? No-fap burns up all sorts of willpower, but chasing sex burns up one's life. It seems like neither direction leads to freedom. Is the answer some sort of middle ground, to simply have sex when it comes up but consciously focus on nonsexual goals? I felt like this video brought up a lot of problems but didn't offer a productive way forward. @HealthyGamerGG, halp!
just try and gain that pleasure in healthy ways. if you have a partner, make sure that sex is more of an exercise in intimacy, grow together with them. if it's masturbation, don't watch porn, make it a special event and use it for self-love instead of a 5 minute distraction or 45 minutes of mindless stimulation, make it mindful
A straightforward tool/method when dealing with any issue, in every circumstance, ask the simplest question ever, ie. - "WHAT FOR !!!???"
Till You get to the level of the Premise and further to the underlying Axiom. That clears away any delusions. That's what I learnt. That works in every circumstance. 🙏🙏
Good Work, Dr. K. 🙏🏻🙏🏻👍🏻🙂
Mid 20s, Virgin, No Spirituality.
But seeing how Sex is so ... uneventful (for a lack of better words), i will start just enjoying the people i meet from now on.
No thoughts about "ahh is this a potential partner for me?" or well.. i will try at least. I noticed that a whole lot of my insecurities come from that, and that alone.
Gotta become a Wizard at 30, have no time for lust
Being a virgin at 30 is becoming so common they upped the wizard powers to 40. I always thought it was 30 too.
This is what I mean when I say I'm asexual. I do experience sexual attraction and desire on occasion, but it's just not that important to me. Truly ALL of society is built around sex, but because I just don't care that much, I've freed myself up to build my life around other things. I have almost no debt, a degree, and am working on 2 more. I don't need much money to live, so I can save money and pursue fulfilling work rather than well-paid misery. I'm not very conventionally attractive, but I can work on it. There's no rush. And while I'm single, I have time to learn what I'm about REALLY well, so that when I do finally start pursuing long-term relationships, I'll be a hell of a catch (and self-secure too!)
I cannot emphasize it enough: If you can let go of your obsession with sex/constant companionship, and prioritize what *you* want over others' expectations, you will be SHOCKINGLY free ❤
When are you going to bud a copy of yourself like a starfish?
@@HellCat_Kennyshockingly not all people want to procreate.
As a fellow asexual with no sexual attraction or desire, this is very true! 🖤🤍💜
@@HellCat_Kenny lmao are you trying to suggest that people are having sex daily for the express purpose of making babies? that they're trying to have children with people once a week?
I'm a 22 y.o virgin and I went through the stuff Dr.K described, starting to compete with other guys, checking out how the "alpha" lives his life and some of the stuff said in the video.
All of this messed me up after high school so from 17 until about 20 y.o, I've acted super weird with women and it took me too long to notice. Nowadays, 22 and I realized how many opportunities with nice girls I've had in the past that I just didn't get along with them because I acted like a weirdo and despearte at times, so yeah, everything Dr.K said in this video is all real and happened to me.
Solution: First things first, knowing you have issues and what they are are both huge steps for improving what's wrong, so here's what I had, Social Anxiety and Insecurity.
Basically these things, and how to fix them, the first I had to gather some courage and talk to people more, trying to have a chat at work and going out of my way to talk to people, I used to just wait until someone interacts with me, and so this served as a very good practice for both the anxiety because really, chatting with people is a natural ability we all have inside of us, if we're lacking, practice makes it show up again. Took me a couple of months though, ngl I've acted awkward, shy and my voice trembled at the beginning.
As for tor the second thing, I've motivated myself to get a hobby. Just picked something out of my interest and tried sinking time into it without thinking too much, kinda like a "let's do it, whatever, I feel like it" moment and I'm going at it for two years now. When you're doing something that u find interesting and Productive, you have something to add value to yourself, to treasure because you like it and to talk about as well, so three things in one, the whole package. It makes a total difference in how you portray yourself to other people, how you introduce yourself, and then when you've got no subject to talk about you can bring it up.
Another thing, there are many opportunities for meeting people who shares the same interests as you do through the internet or courses in your city, so there's that if you want to meet new people and coincidently practice talking as well.
Changed my life, really, I'm now married with ten kids... Just kidding hahahah, but I'm living so much happier and confident in myself I don't really care about looking at other people anymore. Envyness um, it still shows in me from time to time, but not much, I got so much better I can use "feeling envy" of other people as fuel to improve myself, I kinda switched it a little now, it's a different feeling, based in the original one. Can't explain it better than that.
Thanks for providing a scientific explanation for what the ancient wisdom of the vedas teach. I will be showing this to my son when he hits puberty in a few years. Much appreciated.
22:00 this reminds me of epictetus and Marcus Aurelius where Aurelius said that you should imagine that you didn't have all the things you do have and imagine how much you would want them if you didn't and how epictetus said that no man is free who is a slave to his own desires and this was incredible of him to say considering he was a slave
Nah, we're not. There's a reason the overwhelming majority of virgins aren't this way by choice. Unless you're asexual to some degree it's painful and alienating every day to live like this. It's not just about sex either, that's actually only a small part of it. It's about never being loved, never being accepted, never holding hands or being hugged or having a first kiss, never going on dates, never being wanted, knowing you're a failure as a human, a genetic dead-end. People weren't meant to feel those things, it slowly destroys you inside. All your friends get married and have kids, you can't relate to people your own age anymore, you never fully grow up, it ruins your life.
Yep. Nailed it. (no pun intended) Fear preventing you from that first true hug from someone you're not related to.
It's as simple as this: sexual desire being such a strong emotion is one of the strongest drivers of our behavior. We could simply be aware of it and act truly according to our own values instead of being jostled around by these strong emotions. We should be in control, not these really strong emotions (not that emotions are bad but they could hold us hostage).
I clicked on the video the moment I saw virgins and chads in the same sentence.
same here, I already shared 😂
Clickbait
I wasn’t quite sure where this video was going, but the ultimate message is really good. Thank you!
"we place value on people having a lot of sex" this is something i have been grappling with mentally since i am a virgin and my best friend has "a body count so high he lost count" and i realized that sex is like food for us. our bodies are naturally designed to consume as many calories as we can get our hands on because in evolution calories were scarce. but now in the modern world you can easily eat 10,000 calories in the form of ice cream for 2$ a gallon and now eating "as much as your body desires" is considered bad.
well now lets take sex/social interaction even. in evolution having sex actually was not easy, not only did you have to find a mate but you also had to be vulnerable for a while while doing the deed. there was also no ability to use condoms or other forms of birth control. every time we had sex we had it with the intention of either making babies and/or showing love to our partners, which partners were also pretty hard to find compared to today.
but just as eating too much food is a bad thing, can having sex "as much as your body desires" also be a bad thing? what kind of effects does the "pump and dump" hookup culture we have today cause on our psyches?
Casual sex is linked to a lot of negative mental health but more towards women. The more partners a woman has had the less likely it is that they can pair bond. That being said, a lot of people have casual sex without any adverse effects. Personally the more partners someone has, the less value I place on them whether it be male or female. It's disgusting and ruins my dating pool as I'd never want a woman who sleeps around. I'll still be friends with people like that but definitely respect them less. Believe it or not, a lot of women feel the same way about men. Just depends on your perspective on sex. Is it about showing love, intimacy, and care? Or is it just hedonic pleasure.
Excellent analogy.
A ton of loss in self worth and opening ourselves up to being used by human predators like narcissists and sociopaths for their entertainment or as a sacrificial lamb to their ambitions. Basically too many sexual partners is like sleeping in a gazebo. Anyone at any time can come in to steal from you or kill you.
Still beats starving.
People in the comments are confusing sex with intimacy. There is a clear difference between those two! Intimacy can be thoughtfulness towards your partner, being a good listener to your partner, sharing and confiding in each other, etc. Sex counts into intimacy only when it is done with love for one's partner, not lust!
Dr. K here talks about sex done with the intention of fulfilling lust. There is a clear difference!
I feel like it honestly does not matter lol. As a society we've placed some sort of importance on losing it, but it's not even necessary for day to day survival!
Yes, you have basically nailed it!
It’s not about survival, but it’s absolutely about reproduction and that’s the other half of what life does.
@@Promatheos reproduction is the root cause of all suffering
@@thesingularity3566 Maybe but Idc. I'm happy to be alive.
@@thesingularity3566I disagree. I think knowledge is the root cause. If Adam and Eve hadn't eaten of the fruit of knowledge, there wouldn't be any suffering.
I think it's sin at the root which is amplified by the knowledge gained by the fruit.
Loved the timing! 👍🏼
My insecurity about sex appears a result of it being a part of a pantheon of social experience thus far walled off from me due to what is to my estimation a tragic awkwardness.
Around 21:30 it’s not the sex itself - it’s not the 21 minutes - that’s so important. It’s what it symbolizes. Someone willing (or not) to go there with you
In Japan there is an internet myth that says if you're a virgin until 30, you become a wizard. Maybe they weren't that far off
There aren't any wizards in Japan tho
@@n4ughty_knight they used magic to disappear from human perception
"Think about what you want your life to be."
Hottake: be happy - even if only for the 3-7min.
Everyone, just everyone who did get sex in his life once, they all said: yeah its not a big of a deal.
But the thing is: They already had some. It's always the people who have something which tell you that you don't need this one thing.
Is sex the only way to be happy? Seems like a stretch.
Dr. K has mentioned multiple times how lucky he is that his wife chose him and gave him a chance. I woman gave me a chance once back in 1985. In 1988 she informed me that she was pregnant by another guy. She moved out and married him. I guess that was my one shot at it. So I'm not a virgin, but I haven't had sex since 1988. I feel like I'm at peace though, because I have such low expectations. It's in those low expectations that I've found a way to survive life. I feel fortunate to be valued at work. I still work out 6 days a week and find solace in my routine. Definitely an outlier, don't think that makes me a guru.
I do not think you are an outlier friend! As long as you are at peace it should be fine. The only thing one would need to keep in mind is what happens when we grow old, sick and weak. Even if we work out every single day and live healthy age will eventually take its toll and prevent us from doing what we loved. Will we have people to rely on and take care of us then? Will we have people to talk to and share our pleasant memories? Will we just die alone in bed and then cry for all those years back then that went and those that never happened? These are questions that really worry me now as I also am unmarried and have no children.
@@ProtonCannon hes not an outlier because most men dont reproduce. at least she had the decency to leave and have the biological father take care of the baby.
I think a lot of the benefits Dr K listed of being celibate are also benefits of just being in a fulfilling relationship. If you’re in a relationship with someone and you don’t want to be with anyone else, then you won’t feel the need to perform in front of other girls, or compare yourself to other guys. Because what everyone else thinks of you doesn’t matter if your partner still likes you. So, why not just try to lock in a quality relationship, instead of becoming a volcel?
maybe because you cant get one?
@@Randomio42 maybe that belief is whats stopping ppl from growing into a lovable person??
unshakable low self esteem/harmful beliefs can be hard on not just the individual person but, *others around them*. . ive seen this happen from both sides of the glass lol
If you're in a relationship you're partner could still cheat on you if she finds a guy hotter than you
@@Randomio42 that's a very good point, thankyou for clarifying! (i was a lil confused what u meant) but. . .
i want to point out that all of those are problems with learnable solutions,
not saying its easy, not by any means
but
practicing with people, patience with ones self, and enough awareness to observe what's going on/catch themselves makin mistakes & learning/experimenting ways to solve it works!
(at least from my experience)
Bro i don't even want sex, i just want to be intimate with someone. Hugging under a blanket while talking about whatever or just being sleepy is like, peak dawg
to bad ladies now are irrational cat owners that die alone
@@masonbronson3194 said the incel
I can't be lustful right now. My labido is running incredibly thin now due to physiological negative thinking patterns. I think I'm so burnt out on it that I gotta stop thinking so much and chill tf out. Isolation and overthinking, I feel tired all the fucking time.
It's nice when you meet someone and you're being yourself, enjoying eachother's company and you both suddenly realize you don't want to leave each other.... then you start thinking about sex. Now contrast that with stalking the streets like a predator and saying to yourself "Phwoar, she's fit... how can I get in her knickers?". Now you're being fake, playing a character and deep down you can't appreciate her because she doesn't love you for who you are and frankly you never bothered to pay attention to her to get attached in the first place.
Exactly
21 years strong till the day I die I will never lose. Nobody can make me lose my win streak.
So this video very much comes across like Dr K had a solution and tried to formulate evidence to support it.
There is a litany of evidence that suggests having sex helps everything from having less anxiety to literally living longer.
Like he said in the video, hes not saying don’t have sex or saying that you should become celibate. He’s saying that idealizing sex, obsessing over it, and centering your whole life around it is not worth it.
While I agree that Dr.K often incorporates eastern concepts that arent really scientific he did specifically say here multiple times that hes not telling you to stop having sex or to never have sex.
@@thomassavage5861 If that's the way this was phrased that would be one thing, but he quite literally goes into these studies about the brain and how they react when you're not having sex. He's clearly trying to paint it in a positive light. Not telling someone not to have sex is not the same as looking at the science that says having a healthy sex life is good for you.
If you're going to give someone advice on something as to why something is "Healthy" than it's equally important to show what the science on the other side is. He critically failed to do that in this video.
I didn't ever reach Brahmacharya levels of celibacy, but making the conscious decision to talk to women I liked spending time with without trying to rizz them up was how I ended up in my long term relationship. As long as you already have a reasonably nuanced and natural personality it really is that shrimple.
Miyamoto Musashi once said, "Never have preference in life" and it can be connected with Dr.K's advice about freeing oneself from the bondage of internal 'wants'
Dr. K, I have been watching your videos for some time, and I often find you make arguments which seem to me to be complete non sequiturs, and this video is a prime example of it. I simply cannot see any reason to live for anything which is not sexual intimacy or a family derived therefrom, and I've personally spent the better part of ten years trying to find it or at least find an alternative to no avail, finding only coping mechanisms instead. While I do believe you have a genuine desire to help, I do not believe your message in this video will help others like myself who have already explored what you're suggesting and found nothing in it for them. What would you suggest someone in this sort of situation do?
I find your argument of "we build our life/self-worth on a 1-hour-a-week activity" really fallacious.
When someone is presented with a really hard situation (think soldier in a difficult situation, armed attack, life or death situation of another being), isn't his action - or inaction - a representation of his values and self-worth ? A single, short moment, can represent a man's worth and values for life.
If someone spends 1 hour a week beating up children, isn't it representative of his worth and values as a human?
I am of course not comparing intercourse to a heroic action, just giving silly examples to show the argument doesn't hold.
When i was younger it was never actually about sex. Instead it was about being able to say to other people that you were able to “get” it
It's challenging for me being raised baptist to not focus on sex because of how much I was told to hate it and the lengths my family went to to keep me away from it. I still want to have the sexual experiences I missed out on, not exactly but, something analogous to them. I guess I can try not thinking about sex or masturbation for a week and see if I get any closer to having those kinds of relationships. What I'm doing now isn't working.
I grew up Christian (not the same denomination as you) but honestly, when I was active in the church, I spent a lot more time thinking about not thinking about sex (and therefore thinking about sex) than when I left the church. I do actually feel more free in the way Dr. K is describing because I'm not worried about my "sinful thoughts" anymore, and I can just have fun and spend time with friends. It's definitely worth a shot, and don't beat yourself up for any sexual thoughts that crop up, it's super normal, you aren't failing if you have thoughts.
Same I’m raised Baptist/Presbyterian on top of being pushed towards the nerdy side of Asian culture so I was completely removed from any possible irl relationships.
Right now just graduated college, and trying to learn as much as possible what I’m even trying to look for or how to be more attractive or casual. But yea got a lot of priorities mixed up and trying to sort through them.
I know this feeling of being so indoctrinated to believe that sex before marriage is a sin that the thought of having the desire to have sex at all came to feel sinful. But you gotta let go of this idea of feeling like you have to *not* think about it. Don't do that. There's no shame in the feeling. Come to accept the fact that we are all sexual beings. Sex is how we got here and intimacy between two people is very healthy. As long as it isn't interferring with your ability to be productive then don't worry about it. In fact, let it drive you to get out and meet people...and proceed to take part in it at whatevet pace you and your partner agree to, whether implicitly or explicitly.
@chrisjfox8715 oh no. I know. I'm just worried I swung too far in the opposite direction.
@@zackcash4941 wdym?
I gained the same mindset of simply not caring about sex or that kind of intimate relationship. Basically, unless someone approaches me first I will not even consider anyone a romantic interest. Its very a liberating mindset, but also likely why I am still a virgin at age 20. Who cares lmfao I enjoy what I do, I pursued an education in what was once my hobby and now I'm one of the rare ones that gets to feel fulfilled every day. I talk to people I like, and I improve myself daily if only by a little at a time. Most of the change happens in my head most of the time though lol, maybe I just spend too much time in my head.
K, but then unless you get lucky and a girl actually has the balls to show obvious interest, you're just gonna end up sad and alone lmao. It gets 100x harder to meet single people as you get older. Also virgin at 20 is so fucking normal it's hilarious.
Ok you still gotta pursue. Unless you’re a girl, you can’t expect to be approached unless you’re already extremely social and put yourself out there.
That isn’t to say don’t stress about it. But you see someone attractive, don’t let this keep you from talking with them.
@@theuserofdoom Even women shouldn't expect to just get approached anymore. A lot of men stopped approaching lol
@@theuserofdoom I would say this makes it easier to talk to them, because I would have been too afraid to approach them before, out of fear for the sheer possibility of things going romantically. However that's an extremely limiting fear so to avoid that I've established the approach discribed before. If I talk to someone and it turns out to be a close relationship, great 👍 I'm not against that, I will persue someone that I catch feels for. But I will basically not seek out romantic relationships on my own, especially if there is no reciprocal. I'm done with the act of seeking. I'll let life push me forwards and whatever happens happens. As long as I continue to be social and don't isolate into a hermit (something I've experienced and escaped before) maybe one day I'll meet someone. I have other things to focus on.
I’m curious about what music you use every time. It’s sounds really beautiful
That thumbnail is so ridiculously over the top 🤣👍
That whole concept of being a "better human being" he talked about in the beginning reminds me of a dream I had before about if normal, day-to-day life was gamified into a literal point-scoring exercise in which we all competed with each other to be the best in the world at what we might call "the game of life." Actually, I think I remember the phrase "championship of life" coming up in the dream, so I guess it's more of a Butch Jones reference if anything.
Me: "Love this channel. They speak about deep topics with scientific background"
Dr. K: "Today we're going to speak about how the ultimate chads are actually virgins"
Thank you so much Dr. K, I needed to hear this.