Can You Have a Healthy Ego?
Вставка
- Опубліковано 15 чер 2024
- Learn more about Ego, The Self, Ahamkara and more in Dr. K’s Guide to Meditation. Check it out here: bit.ly/3Sy4RYL
Find us on Instagram, Twitter, TikTok, and more here: wlo.link/@healthygamer
▼ Timestamps ▼
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00:00 - Preview
00:25 - Reddit Post
04:11 - What is the point of Ego?
13:43 - Protecting the mind
18:27 - Arrogance
20:46 - Comparison feeds the ego
23:46 - Spend time in nature
26:16 - Tolerating negative emotions
29:45 - Meditation (Discovering the self)
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All guests of Healthy Gamer are informed of the public, non-medical nature of the content and have expressly agreed to share their story.
I have a healthy ego. The healthiest ego even. I tell you folks, many egos out there, many of them bad. Not mine. My ego is the healthiest, most positive around. People envy me because I am so down to earth and humble despite my huge success and that's because my ego is simply the healthiest around. You have no idea folks.
I can't tell if you're going after Trump or Biden, but in any case, I got a giggle out of it.
Wow dude, really healthy ego that you're blinded to it..
@@rafaeluryayev7174 I mean, it's pretty clearly Trump just from the mannerisms innit?
@@appleitree Who paid you to say that? Leftist media? Marxist anarchist Chinese state media? You are fake news.
Got so confused by this comment that the only option was to laugh 😂
Takeaways:
→ The ego is neither good nor bad.
→ The main purpose behind ego is to navigate the world we experience and protect the mind.
→ Improper egos can cause problems in any scenarios.
→ Arrogance and comparison leads to the formation of bad egos.
→ To build a healthy ego: notice it, spend time in nature, learn to be comfortable spending time with yourself, learn to tolerate and not be afraid of negative emotions and meditating.
Small correction: arrogance doesn't lead to a formation of bad ego, it is the symptom of one. (Being arrogant doesn't put you on the path of a big ego, it is a sign that you've been walking that path for a while. I mean - just the concept of 'being arrogant' isn't an actionable thing you can do like comparing yourself) Also it's worth to note that people have a different ego judgement for different aspects of their life. Some things you might be arrogant in while in others you might lack any sort of confidence.
@@pavcho2211 your right it's a symptom not a cause. The funny thing is we we only notice this after its formed, I don't think anyone can be aware of it in the formation years and by then it's an uphill climb. Thanks for pointing it out 👍
Not alny arrogance also the low self esteem is created to protect us.
Good, same notes I took.
I need comments like these whenever I watch these videos. Thanks. 😁
i honestly don't understand how all of your videos are so perfectly timed... this is exactly what i was thinking about yesterday
I mean if you're on the Subreddit, you likely saw the post before it was discussed.
I think Dr. K releases his videos in a way that you can build concepts on top of each other. So video n will give you a thought that is relatable to n+1. However, the other reason is that we think so many thoughts in one day and he just happens to capture one of them.
@@Bendilin I am not on the subreddit but sometimes our paths just align and I see a video with a title that I think about sometimes
@@matthewy543 that's true haha, nevertheless it's cool to have some questions answered that i can't answer myself
Faxxxx its been happening for like 8 vids in a row
man this is such a critically undertaught aspect of our life. i work as a facilitator/teacher in a mental health peer support group, and our session going through the ego or default mode network, is consistently the session in which we start seeing progress in people. the power of questioning what the mind assumes we can and cant do, who we can and cant become, and figuring out where those assumptions come from, be it from other people during childhood, or if its a huge recipe concocted by the ego, i always see such a monumental shift in outlook with my participants, whether or not their circumstances change, their optimism that things will change, and they're are the ones who can make it happen, easily the most fulfilling part of my job. Dr. K may not know it but as a big aspect of how i learn to communicate these complicated subjects to people who desperately need to hear it, he's indirectly changing the lives of people on the other side of planet who dont even know he exists. So thank you Dr. K for everything you do, the ripple effects of your work spread wider than we may ever know 🙏
I'm curious where you do your work as you have the HK pic but your channel says NZ. I lived in both those places and would be interested in chatting more with you about what you do!
@@MaisterLuke for sure man, im from new zealand. i work for a relatively small place called Evolve, and our main gig is basically a 15 week course where we go over things like boundaries and values to social connection and managing your energy. The thing that makes it special in my eyes is its focus on the neuroscience, so we'll explain what neuroplasticity is, and genuinely effective science based ways to improve sleep and so on. But it also has the Buddhist influence, as the founder of the place was studying to become a monk way back when, so we teach a variety of light meditations, mostly mindfulness, but some other ones like Metta. Basically Evolve was the first place i found that was very much like what HealthyGamer does, but in person and on a much smaller scale
Do you have any advice on how to improve the default mode network ?
I feel low self worth most of the time
@@MrDominatord7 meditation helps you learn to use the dmn more often (kind of at will also); for low self worth, you should do what dr. k recommends in this video
@@MrDominatord7 I recommend watching Dr. K's video 'The Cycle of Depression'
Summary: The main problem with this question was mistaking the common term “ego” with the psychological term “ego”, one of which means pride and the other which means identity. It’s definitely necessary to have some amount of pride or self respect to function properly, but that is a balanced ego (identity). You must be confident enough to stand your ground and humble enough to admit a mistake.
The ego is honestly a poorly defined concept and everyone uses it to mean something a bit different, so discussions about ego often just make me more confused
@@aliocha5664 You could imagine the ego as simply being all "I-thoughts", or all conscious thoughts that can are in some way referencing your mental self-image (your "I"). If you were to count up your thoughts over a certain period of time, it's likely that over 95% of them are these "I-thoughts". It's possible that's the entire function of the Default Mode Network of the brain, which funnily enough switches off when people are in the flow state.
Since Dr. K says that the more your life is controlled by ego the worse it will feel, that would explain why people enjoy being in the flow state so much, when the ego is not present (or greatly reduced).
This is at least the definition used by Dr. K's perspective, and is targeted directly by meditation teachings such as self-inquiry, which is one approach included in Dr. K's Guide.
@@Dkdudeman yes. apart from the yogic perspective , ego - the way he is describing it, is also common within psychoanalysis i would say. A function of the mind of all that
i am just at the start of the video and yeah the question is kinda dogsh^t
I would love a HealthyGamer meditation channel, whit just meditations and how and when to use them.
I think I have a pretty healthy ego now. When I was younger, I got bullied in school a lot and thought of myself to be crap and worthless. I was also dealing with ADHD. As the years went by, and I went to college I stopped getting bullied and then eventually got a job where I was treated very well and it kind of very confused me to be thinking of myself as someone who is deserving praise. Around this time I also went through a very confusing gender identity crisis as well as sexual orientation thing which caused to become depressed and anxious. After seeing a therapist and getting antianxiety meds, I've come out of this as a whole new person where I feel worthy of praise and love and all that stuff, plus I don't really see a point in comparing myself to others. Sometimes I fear I've become arrogant, but I think after spending so much time hating myself that it just feels weird to actually love myself. I don't see myself as better or worse than anyone, just that I've figured out a lot about myself and am more at peace with who I am.
I'm really happy for you! Seeing this comment gives me some hope :)
👍
Happy to hear that homes
Happy for u💕
I keep reading this as "Can you have a healthy egg?"
Maaan, the extract from 16:30 is so on spot.
The part about having a high defence when someone treats you well. Always thinking that there's a trap behind affection toward us. It so absolutely relatable.
I gotta confront my father.
hope the confrontation went well
Good luck!
@@ahem8013 I couldn't do it
@@franachaah, thats alright. No need to confront him anyway
Maybe try imagining him in front of you - what would you say? Is there a response you hope for? Is there an inner shift you hope for? ❤
i really really liked this meditation, it dropped me down to my body from my head ive been stuck there for so long, i remember feeling like this years ago. dont know what happened exactly to make me go hide in my head. i will be doing this meditation again
same
I've been meditating 30-60 minutes daily for about 4 months and very quickly I've moved in this direction in my day to day life. I don't think 60 mins a day is a requirement, just being persistent and trying to do it daily if you can. My headspace still fluctuates a lot but I'm having more and more moments of being within myself rather than in my head. Its a godsend
This one was great
The meditation at the end gave me so much to think as well. Thank you
I was in a professional graduate program these past 2 years, but I deliberately avoided comparing myself to my classmates like a plague. Which was not easy because everyone who was a go-getter was comparing themselves to everyone else, whether it's on LinkedIn, through grades, portfolios, etc. It was the most peaceful I've felt while in school, but now that I'm job hunting, I feel like I'm missing a crucial part of the recommended research you should be doing while looking for a job (comparing yourself to the job market).
capitalism is shit
Are your worries about not having enough data on your competitors in the job market just your ego trying to get you to only apply to positions that you think you'll have a decent shot at?
I've done the same and in hindsight, I think avoiding comparison is still avoidance of negative emotion rather than dealing with it (however if ego controls you then this might be a good first step to get you into a new headspace). I think you should absolutely be aware of the world around you and it's okay to see that some people may or may not be better than you at some things. If you're in a good headspace, observing this can help you spot your own weaknesses and know where to improve, or even ask for help from those who are better at something than you are.
I'm preaching this but I don't practice it that much lol, I still avoid a lot.
@@cory99998 Try to be careful about using the phrase "dealing with it" when it comes to negative emotions (as opposed to "being with it", "accepting it", or "surrendering to it"), because it seems more like you're trying to confront it and do something that'll fix it and make it go away, which is still NOT accepting the negative emotions.
When you feel pain or anxiety, try to explore the actual sensations involved.
Which causes more suffering, the physical sensation in your body of the pain/anxiety, or the thought "I wish my current moment was different"?
@@Dkdudeman wow thats changed the way I view negative emotions cuz I always thought that I need to do something to "fix" the problem to feel better
Part of the issue is the East-West difference in terminology. Ego/Ahamkara is actually not Freud's Ego (which is more like Buddhi), but a mix of Ego Image and Superego: who we think we are and who we think we need to be (the latter forms the former).
Very interesting, I've have always seen as we are one and the same.
You just made me realise that I, knowing the Freudian terms originally, have instantly overwritten the term "superego" with "ego" in my mind because obviously that is the concept to which a psychiatrist (Dr. K) referred to with the term. Even more silly when you remind yourself that "ego" means "self", so Freud and Kanojia are on the same page after all.
16:30 can confirm. Consciously made the decision that if I expect the worst and think I deserve the worst shit in the world nothing would hurt. After decades of this twisted life at home and finally taking more steps to connect with other people outside instead now, I am still literally finding myself confused when people treat me well. It's so alien. Constantly scared of losing it all as well and continuously confused on why it continues to happen and they aren't bored of me or start taking me for granted yet.
Me: nice vid with helpful information
Ego: after watching this, I will learn to CONTROL my ego, unlike the MAJORITY of people and especially th-
Me: *pulling out a spray bottle* I swear to god-
😂😂😂 that last bit! It's so hard to keep in check sometimes.
During meditation I cried my eyes out. Not sure what I was supposed to find during that, to be completely honest, but kinda a think that was not point - for me at least. I struggle with anxiety and bad self-image from childhood, this was somehow liberating experience of beauty of change and notion of unexistence of the rigid constant. Thank you so much. I discovered your videos recently and its really helping me sort things out even more 🎉
It always amazes me how many people cry with meditation. For many, it’s the first time in a while or even ever that they actually relax or let pent up emotions out. Like a true relaxation.
This is why I've always struggled to meditate and always have avoided it. Almost every time, I start crying and it is not the pleasent and pieceful experience, I expected it to be. But I realize more and more my intolerance for negative emotion, so therefore even stronger need to medidate and get rid of my ego, and now I want to stick to meditsting for a while. Wish me luck!
@@Ms19754 That sounds tough, it must be hard to meditate if you cry almost everytime. I wish you the best of luck. You're not alone though, I've also cried many times during meditation or right after.
It's been a month since you've made the comment, did you end up sticking to meditation? How did it go for you?
@@andromeda_yt_ Actually yes! I am meditating quite often now. I started with very short guided meditation and increased the time gradually. Also, I realized that I only had try to meditate when I "needed it", so I was in a bad state of mind. But now I am building the habbit so when bad times come, I will be much more used to it. Thanks for asking, such a nice person. All the best to you
@@Ms19754 I very happy for you, that's great. Thanks.
I have my first ever therapy visit today, this couldn't have been uploaded more perfectly.
There was a time where comparison helped me feel better. I remember at some point, I felt bad about myself for not working out enough. However, I then realized that I actually workout a lot more than most people I know.
It helped me feel better.
However, I also acknowledged that this was still my ego speaking and I tried not to become arrogant about it, acknowledging that the people I know have different life experiences from me.
But the reason you felt bad was also the comparison between you and people you see online or hear about. If you were the most athletic person the known universe you wouldn’t feel bad about not working out enough. So comparison is a double edged sword. The relief it gives is temporary and often only cancels out the pain it itself caused.
@@TumblinWeeds Hm, you know, I absolutely do agree with you! Great point!
I have a similar experience, Comparison with a more realistic perspective is Key I think. And compassion for self.
I do this exact same thing and I've been trying to not just stop at those egotistical thoughts. Thinking more positively.
A few years ago I began reading about the teachings of buhdism, and underlying principles. Now hearing this, not only do I understand where you are coming from, but your ability to put it in a way that people unfamiliar with these was of thinking can understand, is spectacular. You have a really deep understanding of these forms of thinking that you lay out so clearly for us. Thank you
hi! do you have book recomendations?
@@leticia-vv4dg The Best Way To Catch A Snake by:Karma Yeshe Rabgye. Great place to start, he also has more books and podcasts
@@leticia-vv4dg Evolving Beyond Thought by Gary Weber might be a little more extreme (as in it's meditation with the explicit intention of being toward Awakening), but it's a great stepping stone on a self-inquiry path. Self-inquiry looks directly at the Eastern concept of ego.
His first book is free online though, which is Happiness Beyond Thought.
@@Dkdudeman thank you for sharing this!
This was a beautiful video Dr.K. Your guided meditation at the end made me cry, seeing a glimpse of my real self for the first time in my life. Thank you. I feel like my ego has led me through life, having insecurities as a child which then grew a lot in the other direction as I got older. So now I'm at a point where I think I'm better than anyone else, but that I don't deserve the love and respect of other people so I don't look for it at all. Hopefully I can implement your advice into my life from now on.
Ego is a tool of the mind
4:25 3 Major tools of the mind, ego (Ahankar, sense of self), Buddhi, Manas (emotions)
Tools are neither good nor bad, its when they are out of control and they control us, then its bad.
6:00 The more we compare the worse the ego gets.
The more negative emotion you avoid, the bigger your ego becomes.
7:50 Ego is a tool that helps you make comparisons and work in a hierarchy.
11:54 Ego needs to be checked sometimes to make better decisions.
13:45 How to build a healthy ego. It's function is to protect our own negative feelings sometimes by devaluing the critic instead of the criticism. "Cope-ium"
15:30 Low self image is big ego. "Don't try, you'll fail" now you're safe.
16:30 Believing you do not deserve love then it doesn't hurt to not get love. Narcissim has insecurity at its core.
18:30 Listen to subordinates.
20:00 When we add mindfullness, it helps a lot in therapy
21:05 Comparisons create ego. Better than creates narcissm, lesser than creates unhealthy image.
22:30 Building a healthy ego is noticing your ego. Not speaking up because I am scared, noticing it breaks ego.
24:00 Spending time in nature: there is nothing to compare yourself to, which helps. Spending time with yourself.
26:18 Learn to tolerate negative emotions will reduce ego and build a healthy self image. Healthy self image is neutral and small.
27:40 180 IQ Quantum Mechanics hobbyist sitting in a room, Lab and class is intimidating
40:15 When you made good decisions where did that come from? Same for bad decisions, where did they come from? Emotions vs thoughts vs breath
"How do i get rid of my ego?"
"Why do you want to know? Who is it that wants to know?"
Me, so criticism doesn't sting.
I’m a recent follower, watching a lot of these videos lately. This was easily the best. Just hit special. Thank you! For the demo at end meditation and for modeling healthy ego throughout in your reading, interpretation, and response to the viewer comment. Bravo!
This is a great follow-up discussion on ego from your gifted kids video a while ago. Much appreciated
That meditation was SO right. Had no idea i was so ego-unstable. Almost cried and i noticed the feelings rising up and i partly fused with them for a second. I knew this tho... i just needed this distilation and articulation that dr k did. Invaluable .❤
Dr. K., I think that it's incredible watching you learn about the function and structure of ego while you also applied the same patterns to most people intervewed here. This is literally outstanding. I can literally see unprocessed, uncounscious material flowing out of you when you turn on the valve, while talking about instruction how to close it at the same time. Its incredible. Thank you.
I think you are helping a lot of people who are struggling with themselves. I am having OCD and ADHD, as well other mental issues and could learn a lot from you about how our mind and body works. Still not quite there where I'd like to be but i think the way is the goal. Please keep the work going. I am really grateful for your videos.
To openly accept/put into words that there is a deficiency in the work he has put out is honestly very honorable and quite incredible to hear. He moves past it quite nonchalantly, but that's huge seeing as almost no one I've interacted with is willing to say something like that. Especially not to the people who purchase his course. Wow. I love it!
What I love most about learning from Dr. K is that there has been so much profound, positive reassurance from my personal research to the connections I create on my own. His expert knowledge adds to my own and even confirms my own thoughts and feelings. I am so glad I came across this channel
to all that says that dr ks vids are always timed, its prolly cause u were ruminating on alooooooot of things and dr k just manages to hit one of the million things thats botherin u rn
It's worth to note that people have a different ego judgement for different aspects of their life. Some things you might be arrogant in while in others you might lack any sort of confidence
Is it an ego judgement though or more underestimating and overestimating yourself in different situations which would counter ego as it points to you not being fully aware of who you are?
@@IvnValmont underestimating and overestimating yourself are still judgements you make about yourself and your abilities. Judgement of one's self and abiliteis uses the ego. Every statement that starts with "I am ... " uses the ego. Being right or wrong about the facts makes no difference. Lack of ego would be to do an activity without thinking about how well you are doing it, like a toddler trying to walk for the first time without thinking "Wow i'm so bad at walking"
Feeling so blessed that I found this video series and community.I really admire how crisp this videos are cant miss a single word.Getting so much to learn.Thanks alot!
When I opened my eyes after the meditation, I had forgotten what he looked like or his office lighting when I had watched before the meditation. It was a weirdly nice feeling.
I want to say the same thing happened to me, but I wouldn't describe it quite so poetically. My immediate reaction was to blurt out "you're orange" from the weird way I processed the sight.
Amazing video and analysis as always! But the meditation part at the end of the video really got me. The technique and your voice in combination was really well received. Thank you!
First of all, I appreciate you. This is exactly what I've been studying about and struggling with the past few years.
Secondly, I would like to share my view on the social hierarchy topic. I don't accept social hierarchies. They don't make sense to me. I recognize them. I notice how others react to them. But I don't play into them.
I give and expect respect and equal treatment to and from everyone, no matter where they think they are on the social ladder.
I think it's so weird and egotistical that some people think they're more important than others, so I treat them all the same lol
I don't get intimidated by people's imaginary positions. It's all on their head.
I think this is one of the best and one of the most useful videos I've watch to understand both - myself and people around.
Absolutely great information.
Thank you very much.
this meditation was great. exactly what i needed today. i had somehow lost my ability to meditate properly in the past weeks, but this reminded me that meditation is just about noticing, and that i have to give up control on my meditations, because meditation had kind of become a way to boost my ego as well.
I’ve been doing some personal exploration into psychology in general as a way to try and breach more into myself and learn as best I can, and I must say, there’s a lot of carryover with many things you teach and my own personal reading of Jung’s autobiography. Prior I had a decent primer to his general ideas, learning first of the shadow, anima/animus, and later learning about all of the shenanigans he did in alchemy because for a reason or another the motifs in alchemy struck me and I thought it would be interesting to delve further into it, and I learned that Jung actually did a ridiculous amount of work trying to piece together the point of a seemingly archaic and nonsense field. I enjoy how he and you both try and take a step back and engage heavily with esoteric things. Strangely, when Jung fit his studies against the alchemical process, he found that the correlations to alchemy and individuation (a lifelong process of becoming yourself essentially) to be too many to ignore and put together lots of writing. Currently midway through the biography but I want to delve more into his work proper. Sorry for the lengthy text vomit about Jung but I think he’s a fascinating person, and lots of the things you teach remind me of things I’ve read. Cheers.
Preservation is a doozy.
Holy shit this might be the most useful video Dr k has ever released, at least as far as I'm concerned, and he might not have even made it if it were not for that post! Seriously though, Dr k, you have just answered SO many questions of mine about confusing reactions I've had to things. It might have taken me another 10 or 20 years to bore down to the answer by myself but hot crap the answer that was supplied here makes so much sense. Thank you is not enough, but it's all I can say at this time so it must suffice. Thanks!!!
Thank you for tue video and the meditation at the end. I actually got teary eyed during the meditation. It was powerful.
Whoa, that was the most powerful meditation I did. The second one is the "don't move". Will do again. Thanks, dr. K. Much love.
Dr K really just helped me find the missing the piece I was looking for in this last chapter of my life before I move on to a new place, and im glad i found this now before I take this huge new step
hooked me in 7 seconds, i like the blend, mentioning to parallel/synonymous in eastern medicine. its helpful hoeing in the autodidact search. youtube algorithm on point with ur suggestions and exactly what i needed after watching your previous short one15min
edit: omg hooked me again, meditation has been on my "to do" list;
another privouse vid. note gem on studying, "what would it be like if it was ALL review?"
edit still typing and ur eyes are still open when scrolling up. it totally helps to hear how im supposed to sound in my head, or rather good suggestions of perception, real good. if i scolled up, and saw you meditating too, id do it.. love ur word dude. for real real
It is so perfect to see. I am a therapist and this is basically how ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) is based upon. I was looking forward to the day Dr K would fully show how effective this therapy can be, as i see with my patients
This is such great advice. Honestly dr k, the work you're doing is life saving and I hope you see that
The meditation helped me see core self as a seed and my thoughts the branches / webbing sprouting off of it. My mind gets stuck on various branches representing my problems being lit up and bouncing between each other like an overactive neural net and I can actually travel deeper to the core self and observe the nodes lighting up from afar. Almost like watching a thunderstorm from the comfort of your safe room
Navigating ego in the hospital setting gave me a lot of trouble. I've been an ER tech for 5 years, and I eventually found peace in my job by restructuring my view of giving/taking orders. My best attitude at work is "you can ask me for anything you need," and practicing that mindset revoked the concept of orders from my mind. I realized that every human in my ER was constantly asking for things, from patient to doctor. I'm not an exception to that by any means, and there are a million reasons why anybody could be impolite or angry when asking for something (especially since many needs in the ER are vital). If you trust people to understand their authority, and surrender to everyone's needs (self inclusive), the power structure seems to dissolve. I'm still working on applying this to other areas of my life, but I have become content while doing objectively demanding labor.
Wow, so weird. I have just now been dealing with this exact same issue.. looking forward to the rest of this video. My progress really started to pick up when I found your channel, but this is exactly where I have gotten stuck.
This meditation proving more effective than most other meditations, thank you Dr. K
100% agree. 29:53 i immensely appreciate the meditations on here as they’re really focused on self awareness and overall awareness, parasympathetic flow induction, and most importantly for me as having aphantasia, non visualization focused (which knowing the condition has released a lot of frustration and attempts to do something I’m literally not capable of, imagine someone telling a visual blind person to see and they don’t realize that they can’t and that they just need to concentrate more, drives one mad!)
This guided meditation is strikingly similar to the way i have been practicing mindfulness in my personal time. I feel so much stronger for it being completely honest. I have been finding ways of flowing from those mindful states into my everyday tasks and carrying those thought processes with me. I have never felt more rejuvinated in my life, when i let go of my inhibitions. There needs to be a steadiness and a balance with how society perceives you and how you perceive yourself as well as the world around you. People need time to reflect on there past decisions and to engage with how you want to act in both calm and stressful situations. I feel that people are too quick to label themselves and others and everything around them, you often forget that your "ship of theseus" is ever changing. Its when you dont replace the degraded wood that the ship with start to sink. Shaping the ego is probably the most complicated facet of humanity.
amazing stuff as always dr k, thanks a lot
Huge info and practice, thanks!
exactly what I needed. Thank you!
I really love these more high-concept videos about the theory of mind. The practical advice videos are definitely useful, but they don't give as much insight
This was life changing, thank you!
This video was unexpectedly helpful to me and explained some of my doubts, thank you very much
Long term nurses often would have more understanding for special topics that they do all the time and the doctors likely don't. So when doctors have final say, Nurses are not clueless and get conditioned to look for red flags in care to bring up to the doctor when seen.
One way I've found really useful to view ego, is to see it as an evolving entity. Like kids, we start by having few reference points and we need to collect a lot of data to figure out who we are and how to evaluate our own perception of self worth. This method, in a healthy ego, evolves over time to learn how to derive its conclusions based off of existing data to build patterns and equations, so we rely less and less on gathering new external data to make our assessments.
For example, if I have proven to myself time and time again that I can figure my way out of a tough situation, then I will not need to put myself in future tough situations to know I can get through them. I trust myself based on existing data and rational thought, that I don't have to be mortally dependent on others. If my ego had not evolved, I would still need external validation to feel secure in my own ego. I would have to seek constant proof of what my self worth is, and I would be controlled by this ego that doesn't trust itself and thus is dependent on others for constant validation.
So basically as we mature as human beings, our ego should ideally be able to rely less and less on external data collection to assess its own probability of self worth. But if the ego is underdeveloped, it will stay attached to external validation because it is incapable of connecting the dots on its own based on past data alone. And this can come from many things, chief among which is different forms of past trauma that linger and always sow doubt in the ego, always causes it to question its own objectivity, always begging it to be 110% sure and hoard data for that extreme validation it needs to feel safe in its self assessment.
If you have lived a somewhat eventful life, you've been able to build stable relations, and you've been able to care for yourself enough that you don't spiral down into a pit, then more than likely you have the basis for a fine objective and healthy ego that you can trust to validate itself, without doubt, without needing excess external validation.
If you constantly put yourself in new situations and never grow stable attachments, then you're more likely than not to also be in frequent need of validation that what you're doing is in accordance with your ego's assessment of what ideal self worth is.
These past few videos have been really relatable to me, an avoidant gifted kid who struggles with negative self image. I guess for now, I undeslrstand that negative views of myself is ALSO an unhealthy ego. But im quite confused on what ego actually means after hearing it so many times in different contexts.
Does is basically mean an identity you show to the world?
Anyways I'll try my best to sit with these uncomfortable feelings when i show an unfinished part of me, hoping that I could sit with being myself
I heartily recommend Dr. K's group interview with the group of gifted kids. It like changed my life (after I ate some liver sausage smothered with mustard).
But also, the meditation school of self-inquiry has a very useful definition of ego: it is your bundle of self-referential thoughts. Almost all your thoughts (like over 95% of them) can be traced back to your mental image of yourself in some way or another. Any thought that even vaguely references the word "I".
Generally, the more self-referential thoughts you have over a certain period of time, the larger (unhealthier) your ego is.
Surrendering yourself to an unpleasant situation, reducing your resistance to it, it'll actually reduce your ego. A lot of what you think when eating a food you really hate is stuff like:
"I wish I wasn't eating this."
"This is the worst [to me]."
"Why couldn't I eat something I like?"
That's why eating food you hate is a great meditation if you pay attention to how the experience changes as you move from resisting the bad taste to accepting the bad taste.
The flow state (through like high-performance activities) will also make basically all self-referential thoughts go away temporarily, but it won't weaken the ego, so it could become a crutch (especially for gifted kids).
My interpretation of the ego is that it's a comparison to the world that acts in both directions (internally compare yourself to others -> how they perceive you in relation to everyone else), with the ultimate end product being what you present to the world, like you said. It's basically where your interpretation of your 'core identity' is. When the ego is high, your identity is attached to all of the good and bad traits of your being which you interpret as good or bad for your core identity in relation to what other people define as good or bad. It's entirely about where you fit on the pecking order and attaching your self worth to those judgements.
Healthier ego is removing attachment and letting self worth 'naturally arise' from a more core self, one that stays with you from birth until death (or if you're religious, into the afterlife or next life). It's not feeling like the various 'traits' of your identity (accomplishments, intelligence, attractiveness, social standing, etc) affect how you perceive yourself.
When you have traits that are highly sought after and give you status, it's very hard to realize that those things are still causing you to make comparisons and feel miserable, and even harder to choose to let go of them. When it's your entire identity, you're essentially letting go of everything that defines your being and gives you worth. You *do not* want to let go of those things. And yet letting go and seeing what else is out there is the only way to live a life of contentment and peace. When you care so much about those traits, contentment and peace sound pretty dumb, why give up everything that's so important to me for something I don't care about?
Which is why I think meditation is important. Helps you start realizing these things in a natural way, you really don't even need to be super introspective. Once you get a taste of what it's like to not feel ego and feel the overwhelming sense of calm, zero stress and anxiety, you don't want to go back. Not for long at least, you'll start craving that inner peace again sooner or later. It's absolutely a continual process, not a switch that's flipped on or off.
The way I see it, the ego is your evaluation of your own self worth and your own strengths and weaknesses. It is the image you see when you think of yourself. A healthy ego is a neutral, rational, non-biased, clear and accurate mental image of yourself. An unhealthy ego is a self-image distorted by emotion (as in "rose colored glasses") or by cognitive biases. In other words, building a healthy ego means learning to evaluate yourself clearly and truthfully. At least, that's my interpretation.
@@hunterbuns I like that interpretation
Thanks for the meditation. Really enjoyed it
This meditation has worked so well for me!! I have been struggling with going inwards cuz couldn’t differentiate which part of myself was peaceful; although I paradoxally went straight to it when you became to guide us inwards!! The peaceful noticing part ^^ Thank you so much for this key, I didn’t have a good understanding of « notice your thoughts » before this experience for some reason
I knew impermanency was the key bahahah!!
The guided meditation is just what I needed. Thank you Dr. K
Thank you for helping me understand this topic!
Thank you, this was very helpful.
hey, i would love to see you talk about people who like to be upset. like the type of people who always look for something to be upset about or who purposely stress themselves out. i can’t find very many studies about this.
I totally relate! Im a Med Tech and I got and still got a lot a problems with my ego and the ego of others... I'd really like to talk more about it
Thank you.
The meditation in this video is powerful
this was the meditation that i need it! i'll come back to the video for a week and see what can i figure out.
The meditation semi creeped me out. When you asked "who is it that is observing you", I suddenly noticed a tiny wise Me in the back of my head. That must be the Intellectual part… no… it’s way more than "intellectual"… It’s peace. It's the one that knows the future because it is already inside me. It's connectedness. It’s wisdom that I can’t consciously access but it Knows. It’s everything. Absolutely wild.
thanks for all the insights about the ego :)
Thank you so much, Dr. K
Great video, as always!
Buddy it's 2mins, watch it first my g
Really really helpful. Thank you.
I honestly have never seen ego as a bad thing; self love is something good, and its quite powerful to have, but listening others and understanding things around you as they are and not as we swee them, should be enough to make us have dignity and have powerful ego at the same time.
A lot of times I've heard the idea 'not to judge', but your 'try not to compare' is more useful, as in itself it is less judgemental, more neutral, thanks!
Thank you, Dr. K and team! You guys are doing god's work. :)
Holy shit the part about trauma and when you said "if I don't deserve love then it doesn't hurt to not recieve it"
damn, good video
Dr k I was about to go meditate perfect timing thank you!
God bless you Dr. Alok Kanojia ! This video helped me so much to understand this topic. Thank you.
kinda perfect that i was think about this just yesterday and interested to see if i was anywhere close with some of my conclusions. Either way time learn.
Edit: OK the way i relate to the good side of the ego is that to reduce ego we must believe ouselves already good enough. if we believe this then what pushes us towards what we want, what we dont have? It takes some ego to strive and to work to something but must keep that in check so the identity of this thing were striving for doesnt control us instead of the other way around
Let's go! My daily dose of Dr. K!
Fast af
hehe.. K
I have a really bad cold and it's 12am right now. Dr K's videos always soothes my anxiety and discomfort :) thanks
@@sarah_70 hope u feel better soon 😎 Dr K helps me cope with a few problems
@@Acediathy Thank you so much, heading back to sleep now. Really interesting lecture btw, good work Dr K👍
The meditation was genuinely good. I suddenly realized that there is an permanent part inside me, that is noticing and seeing all the other things that are permanent
This is something I’ve been needing. I read once about a saying that I feel applies. “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.”
It's because, most of the time, the teacher is always there but the student is not ready to understand and appreciate what the teacher has to offer, when the student does, he suddenly becomes aware of the teacher, and if smart enough, this fact as well.
@@georgeindestructible Sometimes. There are occasions when I've needed help just as the help arrives, completely by coincidence.
For example, I had a lot of dense energy around me and I was quite unaware of what exactly it was, even though I had felt its presence. I ended up meeting a shaman as he was passing through town and he helped me as we completed a ritual to purge myself of that denser energy.
I do think you're right that the student wouldn't be able to appreciate the lessons, though. That's 100% true and logically, if the student is not ready to undersatnd and appreciate what the teach has to offer, there's no reason for the student to be told yet so I can definitely agree that's why it works the way it works!
I have suffered with my self image self esteem and confidence until my mid 20s and even then i was faking all of my confidence and had to constantly fight off my self image issues. I felt so much shame anxiety and guilt it was so hard to be confident or feel good about myself. Now that my mental health is actually good now its easy to be confident and feel good about myself. I feel my ego is healthy because its really just a good self image. I like to be kind to people and dont use my confidence in myself to put people down.
As a nursing student this was so helpful. Will keep this in mind!
I have trouble seeing myself in a third party perspective and how my ego operates and interacts with others in social situations. It leads to Alot of misunderstandings but I am working on seeing where I fit in my environment. Iv fallen on the idea of ego death to be a way of fixing this but I found parts of it will always be there just doesn’t have to be identified with. Learning to look from the ego and not at it is helpful for me. Caring what others think causes addiction relapse for me. I have been getting to know myself through isolation and meditations.
Wow, this was so good to hear i always disrespect the ego it caused me so many problems being an idiot.
Ive recently noticed my suppression of the ego stops me from sharing knowledge with others because i dont know enough to educate someone but it is on point to say you need to find your proper place on the hierarchy.
As i say this i now recall where i found the ego was in buddhist books where they make the claim that you take the lowest seat at the table and you may be promoted but if you sit on the throne you can only and probably will be demoted, this does not fly completely in 2024 with the death of meritocracy but please dont buy into the woke bs buy into righteousness.
Working with IFS therapy i can relate a lot with the concept of the self and the ego. There are "parts" of us that have existed with us since birth but due to trauma and other adverse experiences, they take on the role of protecting us from feeling the negative emotions. This can equate to the ego. The "self" often gets blended with our parts and thats how we end up living our lives but in reality it has its own characteristics that are common amongst all human beings. These are sometimes called the eight "Cs" and include qualities like confidence, cusriosity, courage etc.
As a side note, ego could also be a product of our limbic brain and the self a product of our cortex brain.
Do we attain nirvana or moksha once the ego or parts of us go back to its original state?
Thank you for this!
This is the first time I ever did that meditation and, well, let me just say thanks for what you do.
16:30
i realized and internalized that this is exactly what i did. i feel so much happier now that i know what and why my mind did this. thank you dr k
Man, You damn real good in delivering this explanations. Excited from overoceans.
so happy i found this community
The interesting thing is that in the Bible it says that you shouldn't compare yourself to others. It was Paul that said so to the christians in Corinth I think.
Excellent video Dr. K.
I've been trying to diagnose my own issue for a long time that has prevented me from living a liberating and intentional life. I have watched many Dr. K youtube "lessons" or topics and this one really made me have a self epiphany. I have been a very egotistical person ranging from arrogance to low self esteem depending on my perceived pecking order in the situation, environment, person, group, or time. I have been very self centered. I'm fortunate to have had the foresight to sense that my ego was not the whole world. I sensed there was something liberating beyond my ego that I couldn't pinpoint, but I believe I've observed it in certain other people. The comment about the direct correlation of my self image whether good or bad to my ego hit home. Throughout my constant self reflection, I could never put my thumb on my issue that keeps me stuck. I feel like this is it, but now I have to work on it, however it feels like I can be more intentional about what I'm working on. I am guilty of comparing myself all the time and subconsciously or consciously judging others constantly. It is difficult to stop comparing one self while navigating social hierarchies, while accepting your self at that point in time, while still being neutral to your self worth.
this is a very good video, even among hg videos. thank you!
the analogy I always use on how having a low image of yourself can help you cope (albeit, detrimentally) is: "If I'm low as I can go, the fall from grace is really short"
Yep. I found myself doing this a lot in my life. I'd always expect the worst so that the actual result doesn't feel so bad
I’d love for these meditations to be uploaded in a dedicated place where I can directly access them
wow this video was for me ! so healing :)
Great vid but IMO I dont think you addressed the posters true concern (or at least my interpretation of what he has in mind). I could be wrong but I think the essence of what he wants to know is how do you build up the ability to stand your ground/set boundaries healthily and to get treated with respect. I think the concern is people interpret this advise as keep checking your ego and not practicing boundary setting or another way of saying it that many people think setting boundaries is the ego and in their heads ego = bad, or selfish, or not open minded or whatever no matter how many times they hear the ego is tool/important part of brain. Like they think they are suppose to go with the flow and keep things light or something along those lines and be agreeable - like were raised that agreeableness (and probs empathy) is what a good boy or girl does and their parents stomped out their kids own will.
Now I will say is I think I personally got how the message in video works for that but I had to fill in the blanks and think on my own more and draw on my own experience. That is essentially as I have done practices similar to those in the video, I relatively care less about setting the boundaries/gaining respect and instead just tell people to fuck off politely when appropriate therefore addressing how to build a healthy ego. Which I do want to warn, a healthy ego is something you don't just receive and then just have forever, which is the lesson I had to go through -> like basically I became the humblest of the most humble or in other words arrogant which then lead me to do the opposite of the vid essentially and now come full circle and still (maybe always) just be a work in progress.