Applying MBTI for Insights into Asian Immigrant Parenting
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- Опубліковано 17 жов 2024
- This video goes over how MBTI can be used to understand immigrant parents.
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I tried to bring out more Fi for this video, as Jon appreciates realness. Hopefully, that helped shine a clearer light on Asian family dynamics (or at least our experiences with it). Thanks a bunch for letting us share so openly about our lives - I totally enjoyed our chat!
Please create more content with uncle Jon how to develop EQ . Cause us INTJ who blind FE ...
INTJ Asian female here. Surrounded by dozens of XSXJ’s… my toddler, childhood, and adolescent years were a living hell. Bullied, picked on, ostracized, and constantly belittled. As well as being physically abuse (scars on my scalp to prove it) and purposefully starved, I ran away when I was 17 to live with a few of my teachers.
Fortunately, I was granted a national scholarship as well as local scholarships for my strong academic record, community volunteer record, supporting myself independently, and for overcoming adversity at the same time.
Following the scholarships, my story made the news. My family, even after I had ran away, were enraged that the public was made aware of what happened behind closed doors. They labeled me the most evil person on earth and sent me death threats.
Over 1 decade free from them and living an amazing life. Treating my children as their own real humans. Not as an extension of myself. Nothing but good reasoning and logical frameworks for what is right and fair in my household.
Ps. I’m married to ENFP 💛
Thank you for sharing your story! Regardless of type, you're a very strong person and I hope you realize it. I'm glad to hear that your trauma won't be passed on to your children. There's no way any of us can fully understand the hardship you went through but I want to let you know that we at least understand the struggle ✊
I just wanted to say that I started out listening to this video an African American female enfp, comparing my experience. Then something in me said no, stop...hold this space for your Asian brother and sisters and let it be theirs alone. I'm so glad that I did bc I've been so enlightened by each story, and I'm literally wiping away tears. I do not pity any of you bc I know that's not what these beautiful lives stand to represent, but I do see you all much clearer than I ever could have possibly before. Also, we are so much more alike than our differences. My heart just began to crumble when my sweet Joyce began to speak. I've been a silent spectator of mbti now for a couple of years after having to go no contact from my entire Fe narcissistic family that crushed my Fi. So all of you feel like part of my chosen family, and it does hurt me to think of either of you being undervalued. Thank you for sharing, educating, and being vulnerable. Having this deeper look into another cultures struggle is life changing, and I vow to meet this offering with compassion. Luv you all, virtual hugs.🫶🏾🙋🏾♀️
Thank you for giving voice to the issue of no boundaries. My Chinese mother once walked into the bathroom while I was showering to lecture me on which shampoo and conditioner to use. This happened to me as an adult. Overall, the impact on me is feeling misunderstood because the people around me just don't get the immigrant experience and the challenges I face. It also feels very isolating to basically have to parent myself and as an adult try to learn to take care of my own inner child. My parents do not love me, they are incapable of loving me, and there's a constant sense of not belonging and not having a "home". The two-faced nature of Chinese parents has put me in situations where my friends, who have met my parents briefly, believe my parents are so nice and cannot reconcile this image with my horror stories of the fact that my parents are physically and emotionally abusive. Chinese parents are absolutely horrible for telling their children that they owe them for receiving basic care as a child. Being at a family gathering where the interaction is so superficial felt so surreal, I'm surrounded by people but there is no interest in actually getting to know me as a person. I totally agree that Asian people are some of the most racist people in the world. Thank you so much for bringing light to this complicated topic.
Thank you for sharing your experience and I hope you feel a bit better knowing that you're not along in that feeling. I hope things get/has gotten better for you and that you find peace with the way you were raised ❤
Wow, I feel super guilty, cuz my Asian (I'm South Asian) parents were super kind and understanding, and I was mostly the one who had all the bad behavior. All of you totally deserved amazing parents and I'm so sorry that you all didn't get that. I'm glad you all have found chosen family. Great job highlighting how growing up with immigrant parents who aren't fluent with the local language can thrust you into a caretaker role as a child; I didn't think about that experience cuz my parents grew up with English, so they were able to fit in relatively easily into American social circles, and I didn't have to bear the responsibilities that you 3 when growing up.
It's always nice to hear the prespective of the other side and it sounds like you had great parents 🙂
@@justcallmejon22 Got super lucky. Anyway, your channel is amazing and you bring forth some great discussions!
Thanks to all three of you for bringing up such a great and rare content.
Thank you for watching,. Lubicara! :)
"There's no benefit to your honesty." I feel you Jon, that was definitely the reality of managing a relationship with authorian parenting!
Joyce made such a good point that Asian culture is harsh "in the name of love" and totally screws up our images of love versus the American approach of "let me uplift you to your potential."
Crystal perfectly summarized the generation of immigrant parents are a time-capsule of a very twisted time.
Overall, such an interesting conversation. Thank you so much for sharing this!! I have actually thought about type and parents SOOOO much. Sharing or not sharing cognitive functions really determines the range of ability to be able to connect deeply with someone and feel freely understood. All MBTI lovers probably can't help but try to make sense of childhood trauma with the lens with this psychological framework to explain the unbearable differences in understanding.
Glad to hear that this video is reaching our target audience! Maybe you'd like to join us for a future episode as a special guest since you're part of the community as well 🙂
@@justcallmejon22 Would love to!
I went to an international school and was around a bunch of Asians but not their parents, and this video was like click click click. My friend complaining about her in laws eating her food, my roommate who struggled with money bc she lost confidence in learning when her mom was always crtizied for how she was doing it in the leaning process, my old bf who while only 1/4 korean would bail his parents out of financial trouble as a college student, and my friend who referred to my Afro-latino friend as the one with the "nappy hair".
You guys go deeper into the layers and nuances, though. John's decision to not live at home also resonated with me too.
Thank you for recognizing our differences! The worst thing a person can do is not accept the reality of another person as truth because that neglects our differences which shapes us as a person. 'Bailing parent out of financial trouble' is a normal day for a high Te user 🙃
Lovely convo, a lot of resonance with my personal experience.
An observation, it seems that immigrant kids are very deeply impacted by their mothers. Joyce and Crystal talked primarily about their moms. My friends have noted “you always talk about your mom, never about your dad.”
Not sure if it’s a mother-daughter thing, or if guys experience this too?
i think moms are rly rly present w the parenting, more so than the dad part
Spot on insight! My father was the breadwinner, while my mother stayed home and took care of me. She also had a stronger personality, so that is why she left a bigger impact. There's this stereotype that Asian women are catty, and that applies to my mom, so that probably influences things as well.
@@JoyceMeng22 I've noticed that regardless of the breadwinner divide, the mom typically has the stronger personality. My parents had a 50/50 income contribution, and my mom was definitely more present.
My Chinese father basically ignored me for most of my upbringing. I can probably count on 1 hand the times he actually tried to pay attention and interact with me.
I'm not sure if this is reality or just my interpretation but what I noticed is that the woman (wife) is typically the person in charge of maintaining the family image. I've overheard numerous times from husbands (to their wives) that the wife needs to fix the kids because their family image is being tarnished. I believe that's why the mom is typically the person more involved (vocal) in a child's life. I'm also basing this off the teachings I received from my dad/uncles/grandpas because as a boy, I was never taught to correct image (but still to maintain a certain one) but instead to be the strong person mentally and to make the most money. I remember my uncle even laughing at me once when I told him I don't mind making less income than my spouse because that's unfathomable to him.
Thanks for this. It was an interesting view of a life that I dont relate to, but working with people who are the first generation to the country I was born in I find this fascinating.
Thank you for being open to learning about another experience 🙏
It is super interesting. I am not Asian & not immigrant, but .. Joyce completely revealed me 😆 It's crazy I had the same experiences as her :
_"you have to listen to your elders, not talk back to your elders"
_"Because we get criticism in a lot of things that we do, we are afraid to take risks..."
_"A lot of Asian people don't think mental health exist" ➔ It's the same in France, they think mental health, anxiety, depression don't exist. That we should just stop worry, and don't think. Or see psychology as something very negative.
I think it's more they are afraid of the unknown.
_The parents were more respectful/consideration/love for strangers than with their children.
I talked about it with an INTP, and we think it's because Fe above Si (for ESFJ), and probably Se above Si (for ESFP).
The family members enter into Si, and the other people enter into Fe or Se. And we got traumatized by that.
I am amazed how 2 differents cultures, are not very differents. Or maybe it was just the same pattern behavior of unhealthy sensors toward intuitives.
You all nailed it well : We have to leave the unhealthy places, for our health, follow our own path, find our family.
Thank you for sharing your wonderful minds. 🥰
It's fascinating how these experiences can resonate across different cultures. Your insights and reflections are so valuable, Elodie. Thank you for your thoughtful response!
Oh Gawd. Thank you Joyce for bringing this to my feed. As you know my father is/was since he is 82 a Thai Physician and an ENTJ. He was partial jungle and fancy Asian haha. If they find the right opportunities NTJ’s can be born raised by anyone and find a way to succeed haha. Oh the shame…. My mother was also a white Irish German Catholic and my Gosh the shame was real growing up. It gets even weirder if you have parents from both worlds and both were in the medical field so to me I was so so confused haha. That took decades. ENFP brain too so oh dear. Haha I don’t celebrate anything anymore but I used to know how to cook and speak so much of my Thai culture but then I just let my Ne Fi take over and the it was different having an intuitive father. He saw ahead and purposefully married a white American woman to help us adjust. It was a lot of processing his trauma though and then now my hubs and kiddos are blonde so it’s a lot of things. Oh for sure, typology and even my faith and just everything in adulthood was shaped from those origins. Having an ISFJ mother and an ENTJ with of course the lectures and respect and insults, but my mother was very opposite, even though she was an S. My Dad was also very funny and could be sweet, very intuitive, there was that. It was good for an ENFP but my adulthood with INFJ hubs has been very different. I used to have to call the hubs when we were dating and I was visiting Thailand and my brain hurt from not discussing abstract concepts except with my father, or having possible husbands thrown my way. Except my father told me to not get married haha and he lives in a very abstract world and studying psychiatry at first when he came here. My twenties were all social justice focused with Brad. Haha wow. Well, I will say that dating outside of your race while of course bringing more differences to work through, there was so much healing for me there too.
Your journey sounds so rich and layered with diverse experiences, Jula. It's amazing how our family backgrounds, personalities, and choices weave together to shape us. It's wonderful to hear how you've navigated through it all, finding healing and your own path.
@@JoyceMeng22 oh for sure Joyce and I guess I sorry of feel bad that you guys didn’t have the having another race to counter balance the immigrant Asian bomb which is a huge one to walk through. Being an ENFP, I can say this too… all of us have family trauma some conscious some not, some generational some societal… the immigrant child experience is wildly unfair in the parentification way. I’m a badass ExxP though so I’ll say this…. You are all brave and you are also dead on. Follow your guts, keep talking through the pain it helps… love therapy I’m the OG millennial of therapy too… I was nuts before it was cool or mainstream how’s that for being a trend setter haha. But yeah, Asian backgrounds are so full of yes good things… we be ancient for a reason… but so much pain, indescribable amounts of pain. It’s ok to jump into a differentiated actualized version of yourself. My novel is all about that and it focuses on German British generational narrative pain but it’s universal this pain. It’s what makes us whom we are and each generation pushes it just a little bit further. If your family is pissed at you, you’re probably just differentiating correctly. I’m probably set for Asian child Hell… but I’m definitely going to Heaven if you get my drift. Peace out moon fries… keep going there’s so much pain to push through but in the end… so worth it and the actualization…. It’s real and thank you modern post modern post existence world… it’s so worth it. Star dust we are all meant to return to the stars, but dazzle them while you burn bright on your way there.
The rawness 👌 💯, hoping to see more of this with different type combinations.
Most definitely ✊🏼
Hey Jon! Thanks for the video! I love that this was made! I enjoyed this! It’s fruitful My parents and ancestors are Hmong that have similar history with yours. Thanks again!
I was raised around a Hmong community so I appreciate ya'll, but also competitive. Ya'll are doing better than us, for now, with Suni Lee and Brenda Song 😅
I live in Malaysia and my Chinese neighbours were hitting them and screaming at them for not knowing how to do math question. My mom and I would sometimes peek though the window to watch them get abused. Fortunately, the maid of that house called the police and the police gave them a warning.
I am grateful that my parents don’t harm me that way, but I still don’t feel loved. They would go in to my room and take away my clothes because I wore it for too long and it needs washing although i already told them not to enter my room. One of them wants to maintain order and instruct me to put this bottle at the EXACT place and more instructions.
But it’s a good thing they aren’t so strict with my education because I am already very strict on it myself and I would see what grades to get next and work on it. We do get in some fights and they threatened to take my education away (which is shocking).
I am a *very* picky eater and they would have to adjust to what restaurant I want to eat at which I am grateful for.
They have this idea of paying back them after they raised me which I felt was very controlling as if I don’t have a choice. I know I am a good person and I would but I really don’t like it when I’m forced to.
That is my experience with Asian parents.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I hope it provides some type of positive benefit that you're not alone in how you feel ❤
Wow, cool! I want to watch this after I finish work. Can't wait to get off work, excited to watch you all Asians together.
Hope you found the video enriching! :) Are you Asian as well?
@@JoyceMeng22 Indonesian 😁🙏
Because me non American please add subtitle for more quality 💪
Awesome 👏 nice to hear from people all over the world.
Subtitles are doable 😀 we can see if we can include them. The thing is, some of the MBTI specific terminology gets lost in translation when we create them.
Interesting video.. that reminds me to my dad that loves good reputation as "good person", " people person" but always sacrifices his family's happiness.. We were mostly taught to put others before us, and somehow that annoyed the hell out of me. And that is also another source of conflicts between me & my brothers against my dad...
It is just annoying like hell.. Why can't he stop caring what others think and live with his own life?
That's true! If only families cared less about saving face and more about making their family dynamic work. The world would be much different.
Interesting video. First of all sorry to Joyce, everytime I see someone type themselves as INFJ I assume they're mistyped so throughout the video I've been trying to look for clues. 49:26 Would've never expected a high Fe user to say that, also never seen an Fe preferenced person to reason, they either try to sway/manipulate or they laugh it off.
Crystal is super interesting, definitely presents pretty clearly as INFP/ENFP. I hear a lot about the struggle they have with figuring out their place in life, trauma and grips with mental health in general. 40:45 Yeah that's a super Fi thing. The next thing she talks about (rooting her beliefs) I just think it's a spectrum of how developed your Ti is compared to Fi. I dont think your moral compass being adaptable to your experience is a bad thing either.
Question to Jon that is not really related to this video: I've noticed from what you're talked about yourself that you might have a pretty strong preference for Ne. You talked about being able to make up stuff on the spot in a bar when being out with your ESFP friend, you talk how your inner world is very vibrant and colorful, and also obviously you did a video on ADHD, which is essentially an Ne thing. Have you ever thought that you might be a high Ne-user, or have someone ever mistype you for one?
Totally not here to change your mind but thought I might provide some context. ;)
See, I've tried the sway/manipulate approach, and it doesn't work with Asian parents. The technique I mentioned in the video is actually inspired by my ENFP friend. She oftentimes takes a statement and exaggerates it for effect. I shared the one-time instance with everyone because it was such an out-of-place behaviour for me, but it was the only thing that affected my mother. It goes to show that some Asian parents only understand their own poison, so to speak.