@@SnookOnTheFly im sorry man, but this will not end well, if you married little princess who is refusing to grow up, there is nothing really you can do, you cant change people.
@@Jdb63 Enmeshment is a description of a relationship between two or more people in which personal boundaries are permeable and unclear. This often happens on an emotional level in which two people “feel” each other's emotions, or when one person becomes emotionally escalated and the other family member does as well.
This was a serious problem for a while with her mom. My wife said her and her mom held nothing back and that wasn't changing. As time went on, she wanted to know why I wouldn't fully open up with her. I told her that some subjects are between us. And as long as she spilled everything to her mom. Well, that will shut me down.
@@michaelh5055 That's a big problem and likely doesn't change. Women that are attached to their parents spill everything to them....and by everything I mean only the negative stuff about you. It's hard to break that bond and if you try to you will always be the bad guy. I will never date another girl that is super attached to their parents. If they have a regular relationship an adult should have with their parents (talk a few times a week, see them every now and then) thats fine....but talking multiple times a day and needing to see them daily is just weird.
If there’s one piece of advice I could give to young couples, NEVER EVER live with your in-laws NO MATTER how tight money is. You’ll be happier living in a leaky shed than with either side of the family.
Depends on the situation too. If it is a dire situation, then maybe it is good to move with the in-laws. Also, do the in-laws have good boundaries? Are they wise people? It could be a blessing. Actually most peoples on the earth live with the extended family to some extent.
My (very wealthy ) mother in law offered to help my husband and I with a down payment on our first home....BUT She got to pick the Home.🙄We said NO THANK YOU.
I no longer have a relationship with my in-laws because they could not respect boundaries and they were overtly abusive to me everytime I was around them. It was horrifically painful to do, but we've had an amazing marriage for 9 years now. If I did not set hard boundries, they would have destroyed my marriage, my self confidence, and my relationship with my kids. My wife has always stood up for me which I love more than anything about her.
@@nataliazakula3400 true. My family is my number one priority and my marriage is the foundation of my family. I'm in control of who I associate with. If someone's only intention is to cause drama and insecurity in my family, I don't want to be around them, even if they are family.
Mad Max - Train the parents:). Boundary #1 be as self supporting adult. She is ok with having her husbands' family feed and put a roof over her head and her daughter's head
@@clarifyingquestions Who said the in-laws are feeding them? She said they were renting the space and that does not entitle the helicopter parents to dictate how they live their lives-try getting a life of your own! Too many in-laws give their opinion without be asked for it.
@@greyhound-t3k She did! They are living there because it is cheaper. Momma is giving them a deal. Did you not listen to the conversation. How to train your parents: Step one be a self supporting adult!!
@@clarifyingquestions She said they were living there, she did not say they were feeding them. Maybe you did not listen or you assume because they are living there they are being fed as well. So, once they are a self-supporting adult and living on there own then you loose the right to lecture? This women sounds like she is going to interfere no matter what. Regardless of a couples living situation, many in-laws feel they have a right to interfere! Most in-laws need to get a life of there own and not try to run their children's lives! Step one be self-supporting, step two, but out of other people's lives.
@@greyhound-t3k And you assume that mom would be interfering no matter what. So you get to assume while telling others not to. Fact: They are living with mommy and do not like it, so move out. But Your comment: Train your parents - hahahahaha I am still laughing. Good Luck with that. Worse advice ever. Or they could just move out with their child and support themselves. If Momma is still, interfereing then it is a boundary issue. Thanks for the laugh. So funny - adults living at home ought to train their parents ahahahahaha
Thats one of the main reasons i want a lot of money and my own business, so people don't have so much control over my life... freedom definitely isn't free
It's what I tell my son who's in college. Freedom comes when you don't rely on anyone else but yourself. (Paid off house, car, etc.). Work hard for your freedom and best of luck!
The great thing is that if you live on a budget, it really doesn't take a lot of money to be independent. You can do it at nearly any rate if you are working full time
Oh gosh. Well, I don’t even need that much space. Just living like 30mins away keeps them at a healthy physical & emotional distance. So that’s all I want lol.
Hey Dave , a quote from the Bible on this one,. a man must leave his mother and father and cleave unto his wife. This young married man needs to move out and put boundaries on his mother , and tell his new wife she comes first and also show it in his actions.
We moved 30 min away from my in-laws, then they offered to buy us a house but it had to be close to them. We kept saying no then eventually said yes then said no again right before the move in date because they were controlling us already ... it was exhausting.
You’re damned if you do. You’re damned if you don’t. Any they are so use to doing this they don’t realize it’s not good for the long term relationship for all parties. It’s a best for them even if they can’t see it.
My ex-husband's family used "being nice" as a way to control our relationship. After 15 years, and being told that he would never say "no" to his Mother, I left the marriage which eventually became an annulment.
Jennifer Lee you didnt achieve anything. If the man treated you with dignity and respect and you left him becoz he cared about his family. It doesnt show u in good light maam.
That’s why it’s never good to be too reliant on other people, even family. It costs to be the boss and when someone else is providing to your life in a significant way, like it or not they have some say. You can’t have it both ways. Dave is right they both need to put on their big kid underwear and start doing things on their own. Even if it means struggling for a while. Lots of young couples have done it before them.
Totally agree. I was discussing things with my husbands mother over the weekend and she said well if you guys had so many money problems than why didn’t you reach out. But then she added but then you did decide to embark on that journey. I’m over here like Um and there you go! That’s why I didn’t mention anything to anyone about our financial status cuz it’s our business and we got into it. That’s why I don’t tell no one our money issues or now lack there off. None of their business. She did try to pry as to why we don’t share money. I gladly explained to her that it’s her son that likes to overspend and let people borrow money (cough cough her) and never gets it back lol. So I told her, I work too hard to not see my money and if he wants to spend it on daily coffees and be giving money out for free than so be it, but it’ll be his money not mine. Why should I suffer. She was quiet after that lol.
I am going for broke here. I need to be really honest and bold with my statement. So many mother in laws are literally a cancer upon the marriages of their sons. The power that they wield to conquer and divide is just astounding. A man who really loves and respects his wife needs to put his mother in check at the very onset of his marriage. Otherwise his mother will "call the shots" over his entire marriage and for the rest of his life. This is dead serious. So many marriages have been destroyed, from the beginning of time, by mothers of son's who want to be "first rank" in their son's life. They compete with their son's wives in an attempt to show that they are the "matriarch" and "alpha female". They will barge into the marital home and take over. Any married man who allows this, deserves to be served with divorce papers. He clearly is violating the "leave and cleave" "forsaking all others" commandments for marriage. Guys, control your mother or lose your wife. Your choice.
I wish that my husband understood this. This captures my current situation beautifully. I vow to NOT be this kind of mother-in-law, should I be blessed to have grandchildren.
@@reigna7245 You have my sympathy! Be strong and keep your chin up, girlfriend! Also, you are never going to be that type of mother in law. No. You will be a kind, supportive MIL and your DIL will love you and so will your future grandchildren!
I had exactly this MIL. She helped to break our marriage apart as well as her other two son's. I have a beautiful DIL. I absolutely appreciate and love her. My experience has given me the tools to have a good relationship with them both.
@@amyp66 Gosh, you sound like such a lovely woman! I'm sorry that your own marriage was destroyed by your MIL. You learned what NOT to be with your own DIL and I think that is incredible. I'm sure your DIL loves you so much and feels your kindness and support the marriage. Blessings to you and yours!
You are so correct! I lived this for 15 years!! I got anxiety before holidays and before my own kids birthdays because no matter what I do she took over my kids birthdays. No matter what boundaries I set she trampled over them! She rearranged my cabinets once visiting, would walk in my home uninvited and manipulates My kids. I tried everything to prevent her but never dealt with that level of crazy before and began to resent my husband for not choosing me over his mother who clearly had issues. Anytime I didn't do what she wanted she called my husband and would lie to make him mad at me! She got in my face screaming and we finally went no contact! If this did not happen I would have had no choice but to divorce for my sanity!!!
I don't consider them under the same house. They are living in separate building. They are not eating meals together three times a day. If there that bossy, they should pay the parents rent, so they can have their own "house" rules. Now if its as simple as Mom wants her to use x soap on the kitchen floors, okay its their floors. no big deal even if its annoying. I mom says you should be the drain for the sink on the right side and she wants it on the left, because she likes it that way, back off mom.
Dude, it's sad. No matter how much you love your spouse. Never forget/bitter your relations with your parents. Rather try to find a balancing way. You can stay far away, but still you must talk to Ur parents. U never now when the day will come they won't be there n u will regret all the time you could talk to them.
TheLogicalDanger you nailed it. While Ds Ds isn’t wrong about someday the annoying in-laws not being there someday and the regret that might come with it, some parents will remain toxic and will never have any respect.
When I was 18, I was the worst kid ever. My parents were good stock. One day my dad took me for a ride and said “If u don’t get a job, you can live with me and mom for the rest of your life.” I was gone so fast. LoL. My dad used reverse psychology on me.
I lived on in-laws property and was always asking if it was ok to do things to the property, I was very aware that it was not mine... I always made sure to be aware of their feelings and wants when it came to the yard and even the house, looking back they were so controlling even then, even about my clothes and hairstyles. Eventually his parents (who stupidly decided to retire at 30 with 5 kids and no savings for retirement) couldn’t afford the property so they sold it while we were buying our first house, my husband offered for his parents to move the mobile home we were living in on their property to our property and move into it. It was the worst decision we ever made, I honestly never really felt included in the decision, somethingi had out with my husband for the 3 years we lived there. They crapped on our property, took over the barn without asking, stole from us and almost ruined our marriage. We finally decided to move closer to work and told them they had to find their own place. My husband and I have found love again and he has realized how toxic they were to us. We rarely ever see them and I think it was the best decision we’ve ever made, it’s too bad we learned it 6 years into our marriage. Run girl run.
This makes me feel sooooo much better knowing that my in laws are indeed not being very understanding and respecting our boundaries. Thank you for this!
I have one rule about my in laws. My husband deals with everything related to his family and I am not to intervene or talk to them in any way. I do the same with my family. When I dated my husband, his mom made a negative comment towards me. I smiled and never said a word to them. I did talk to my bf (now husband) that his mother can choose his next gf. He talked to her that same night. They never said a bad thing about me ever again. Annnnd there can only be one queen in a beehive. It is the caller's fault for living with her in laws.
This is true. Your in laws will absolutely have issues so it’s best to know before you’re married if you and your spouse can set boundaries or not. Then the other problem is whether or not your in laws will respect your boundaries.
Man I don't like my boyfriend's dad but the good thing is that my boyfriend always keeps him at a distance and makes sure we not around his negativity and manipulation.
Kind of sounds like my Mom. No boundaries. She feels very entitled. A good example. Many years ago, I was in the hospital after a very serious car accident (not my fault). After four months I got discharged. My first day back home, I discovered that Mom had redecorated my apartment. That did NOT go well with me!
@@shannon2748 Well, somebody has to keep an eye on the place, take in the mail and make sure the water heater hasn't sprung a leak. That is a lot to ask of a neighbor.
Love this advice. Very rarely do premarital counseling or the church deal with in law relationships. My husband and I dealt with terrible behavior from his parents for about 7 years. It took far too long. I want to write a book.
@@nathaliecastillo357 , If you and your spouse don't depend on them , you are free to do anything you want with your life. You can't have both ways, can't be an adult by being irresponsible.
As someone that lived through this precise boundary issue they are talking about I can tell you that standing up and enforcing that boundary makes the relationship so much better in the long term. It is going to hurt, but you will be so much better off.
I love how Dave was direct. Dave doesn't like noisey in laws . He has shown that to us on several in laws issues. John doesn't want to be seen as the "bad guy" and rumbles too much. I do Agree with Dave. Great advise there.
Great advice for those of us us with grown children that have their own families now. Letting go isn’t easy, bit it’s necessary for all parties involved.
Great for you! You are courageous and wise parent. You are indeed doing your last spiritual assignment as a parent. More parents need to take this seriously both for their adult child and ironically for themselves in the long term! You rock! 😊
I feel bad for all the people who have toxic in laws. 😢 My parents have been the biggest blessing to my marriage. When we lost everything, dad let us move in, when he retired, he let us take over his mortgage and house so he could go do his own thing. When I had my baby, my mom moved in for a few months to help me, and when I broke my leg, my mom and dad took care of my kid and her schooling while I recovered and hubby worked. Thanks mom and dad for making living or relying on you a loving choice and huge blessing that did not kick me in the teeth later ❤ I hope I can become kickass parents and in laws like them ❤❤❤
“A man shall LEAVE his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (ESV) (Genesis 2:24). Married couples run into trouble if they fail to leave their fathers and mothers.
Actually I loved both responses and learned from both. Dr. D. is intuitive, like sometimes he can see into your soul just by hearing your voice. He notices things you did not even say. And Dave sums the whole problem up and cuts the BS: straight to the result. Love this combo!
I already informed my sons (11 and 8) that they and their wives will NEVER move into the basement. Never. I value my relationships with my future DILs too much. I learned the hard way as a young bride.
Mr Ramsey is trying to set up people to take over; he has been working a long time doing the same thing, hearing the same things over and over again. It must be very frustrating for him. I took FPU in 1997.
The key to avoiding all this mess is as parents you hold that little baby, look it in its sweet little eyes and make a commitment to raising it strong and able so one day it will LEAVE..... That's the purpose of parenting. The joy in seeing your children have their own life is amazing. Dave mentioned Latino culture and how they live multigenerational without arguments....the Mama's know how to let go. That's it.
I was raised very old school. My parents taught us as long as you are under our roof, you go by our rules. We were taught from childhood if you want to do what you want to do, then get your own roof. So, to this couple please get your own roof.
Yay about identifying the in-law intrusion. After 17 years, 4 children and 10 moves of my exe's flexing his 'manhood' , my exe announced his mother & sister were his family and he would do what they decided. Those words sealed the break. I hope she heard you both, especially you, Dave Ramsey. Wish I had had such fatherly advice when i was a young, I think that was some of what prepared me for honoring my own children and their spouses. Namaste
So relatable. You are a brave lady and are doing right by your children I love the poem On Children by the Lebanese poet Khalil Gibran Just beautiful . Every parent need to meditate on it. When they have children. My mother in law said I stole her son. And moved in with us.
That was awesome! I just want to say one thing though...Dave it might just be one of your own kids who doesn't want to go to the lake this weekend. Just don't always assume it's the "other one" who is putting the breaks on, please! I say that as the other one who is darn sick of being blamed for everything...even if the in-law is nice to my face. I do mean it, this video is awesome.
Dave Ramsey is such a role model for me. So glad I read his book at 19. He's inspired me to start a YT platform and amass a net worth of 70,000$! He even addressed familial issues related to money. Such a great man.
“Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life, but define yourself.” ― Harvey Fierstein
When I told my husband I didn't want to spend our Christmas at any grandparents of our kids when I was 6 months pregnant with our third child, HE got very dissapointed in me. Because I wanted some familytime with OUR family. Sometimes husbands and wives aren't perfect like these therapists with their perfect families and boundries.... Sometimes it is for better or worse. For now, I want to see and feel the better-part now. With inlaws that act like 4 year-olds when something doesn't work out the way they planned (and not discussed it), it is difficult. I hope my husband will become more like a lion protecting me and our kids.
Several issues here, children are picking and choosing what they want to do in the adult world, they get married or start a relationship and first thing is have a baby when you cant provide for yourself with mommy wanting to stay home with the children. What else are the parents providing ?? This is why parents feel they need to be in the childrens life on a daily basis providing various types of support as what you are seeing here to the point where the parents own you because you lack good judgment. Boundaries come with independence. I also been thru the Police Academy , switch career to a fireman.
Steve Kopcial there is an article on Facebook from one of the sources. The write up states “the impact of generational poverty on African Americans.” I was reading thru the comments & noticed a few of the WM stated that people should make better choices. The 2 featured women were both black. 1 had 3 children the other 7;both single mothers poorly educated & their mothers both “struggled” in the same way. I myself, a BW, agreed , it is about better choices. I felt I could never type my opinion because I would be accused of everything under the sun. If you grew up seeing your mother struggling with poverty why would you follow in her footsteps? I never understood that. I said that to say this, though this couple is married, this is how generational poverty begins. When folks are equipped financially & mentally for children & they’re cherry picking the parts of adulthood they will have.
My in laws are great. They are always encouraging, would help us with anything ( we've never asked), and stay in their lane unless they are totally against a choice of ours, which they never have been.
I was kinda thinking the same. Since he’s been on the show, it appears he doesn’t have his own opinion. Dislike when he tries to align his viewpoint w/Dave. Just say it....
Choppa 7 Dr John has 2 PHDs (Counseling & GE) and studied 8 years to earn those degrees, thus he is giving a professional advice and a guidance. Be respectful to the man who deserves to be on the show.
@@CryptoDad83 counseling and general education? The easiest degrees to get that dont really make much of a difference? Ive met tons of idiots with degrees and tons of smart people without then
My in-laws were visiting and I needed to pay bills. My fil tried to stand over me and ask questions about the bills. I quit and locked myself away to finish. He would always ask what we paid for things. My husband would tell him it was enough. He would tell us about siblings finances. We told him it was none of our business. So glad we lived ten hours away.😮
Y'all get together and set boundaries for both sets of your parents and you can't do that sitting on their property whichever set of parents you're "resting" on.
My husband is scared of his mommy so I’m the wicked witch that has to set boundaries. We have a great marriage. It’s honestly the only real thing we fight about. If we lived closer though, I don’t think we’d be together...
When you marry, those familial ties need to be cut as much as possible. You don’t HAVE to live on a family property or work in the family business. Those red flags of people overstepping were already present before you said I do. If you can’t separate from family and just let the two become one, you’re not ready to be married.
What do you do when your in-laws move within a few miles of you? Absolutely ZERO boundaries. Was continually needing to go out to eat every week, coming over to get mail everyday. They finally got their own mailbox and we don’t go out to eat every week. But even once a month is far to much when I still see them at least once a week, even for only a few minutes. They still want to get together and now I am the bad guy in the relationship because I want to be left alone.
My mother had to tell my father when they were first year of marriage, it is either your family or me, needless to say he chose her. His family had moved in on my parents and expected my mother to act as a maid to them. My father thought they had just came for a visit, but when he was at work, my mother overheard conversation that indicated they had no plans on leaving.
My in laws are extremely toxic as well. They seem to somehow be involved in every major decision we want to make in our child or our lives. My wife tries to set some boundaries which often goes ignored. Ive come to learn that they will never change so the best thing to do is just try to keep my distance from them as best as possible.
John and Dave vibe so well together! Very complimentary personalities. They both know when to let the other person have the floor and when to say their piece
Best decision my husband & I made 18 years ago when we got married was moved 4,000 miles away from both our families & our comfort zones & all we had was each other & we built our life together.
I've been there and it's painful. The Mother in law is not going to change. Dave you don't need that Dr. You've proved it enough. I wish Bethany the best and Dave is 1000% correct.
Talk to your husband about him joining the military. Yes it will be extremely hard at first, but it will be easier after, you will have a place of your own away from your in-laws, military benefits and who knows maybe your husband will mature mentally to stand up for his family.
That was his dream! But per a thyroid issue, the military won't let him join. His asvab(?9 score was so high he had several branches interested. But they never approved his medical pass. and a nuclear score of 52.
Stop being ungreatful for any help you get youngsters and learn some negotiating skills. People of all ages give unsolicted advice. Stop being so sensitive, stop and think how you would feel if your kid someday acts this way toward you. I, for one am tired of the toxic lables attached to loving, well meaning parents. Goodness people THINK with your brain, not your emotions. These elder parents are in their freedom years, no doubt they have made a generous concession at this time of life too, Maybe where you see controlling, they see love or helpful advice. Give them the benefit of the doubt, save your attitudes, for serious violations, not slight annoyances,
My in-laws allowed us to rent their duplex around the corner from them when we first got married. They were good about never coming over and overstepping their boundaries.
@@artwebb6939 okay but they already did so how about advice on how to make it work and still have success instead of “you’re doomed.” What should they do? Abandon their child? If you don’t have anything constructive to say, you’re just being a butthead.
@@juliagoodrich6483 no, I'm stating facts Facts that others about to make the same mistake might not, if people would be honest, instead of trying to spare people's feelings Obviously they're both going to have to develop additional income streams, or live a very minimalist lifestyle
On the contrary, if they both are honest and hardworking , they will have better success in life. They are already on the right path at a young age. Not like those who waste away their 20s and 30s on pubs and girls only to spend huge amounts on treatment to get a healthy baby. Your grandparents’ generation did this and they build the nation you are living comfortably in. There was less suicide and depression.
What’s more likely? The mother-in-law is overbearing or the 22 year old is very immature? Great advice though, the young couple needs to get out of this situation and learn to grow up.
@@yamezfox4599 I kinda agree with this, i think because dave is old school he is very accepting of those traditional gender roles, which i think is fine, but if youre struggling to establish yourselves due to lack of funds, both people are gonna need to get working and saving up. Also they live with in laws so there's already some assistance with childcare. I respect people who mutually agree that a sahm/ working dad dynamic works for them, but as a woman carrying qll the financial responsibilites is a burden that I wouldnt want to have and therefore would never want to place on my partner unless absolutley necessary
Gosh I wish my mom had that. I love her but I also don't feel like calling or visiting that often either because I want to grow my life overall! Freaking annoying. Any parents reading this, if your 20 or even 30 something needs space. GIVE IT TO THEM. Please!
I am listening on Audible to that Boundaries book you recommended. It's great and I have read a lot of other books on the subject and am not religious. I liked the part that said resentment is a "sin" that you commit. It's your responsibility to stop your resentments.
My mother in law almost ruined my marriage as well. We lived with her because we were 18 with a 1 year old when we got married and she tried brainwashing him into thinking I was lazy and not the one for him because I wasn’t from their religion (Jehovah Witnesses) to be exact. Mind you I was the one cleaning the whole house and two bathrooms myself and I cooked for everyone with our groceries and she still complained but I was so drained and depressed about having so much on my shoulders with her three other daughters who were all above the age of 35 single no kids and wouldn’t help at all they would just stare and laugh. I started suffering from panick/anxiety attacks and I stopped caring about what they said and thought about me and stopped trying to please them that I only started looking after my little family and not they’re mess and things that’s when they realized they needed me more than we actually needed them so long story short we ended up moving out a few years down the road and it was the best decision my husband and I made and were both happier and better now. Now his family struggles with the whole cooking and cleaning situation because they hate doing that and with being able to afford mortgage and bills. How life works for those who take advantage of others
In-Laws will destroy a marriage if you don’t set boundaries!!!! I lived this. Hurt people, hurt people!
So true.
I try, but my wife and father in law are the ones that have no boundaries. Our marriage counselor says they have an enmeshed relationship
@@SnookOnTheFly im sorry man, but this will not end well, if you married little princess who is refusing to grow up, there is nothing really you can do, you cant change people.
@@SnookOnTheFly What is an enmeshed relationship?
@@Jdb63 Enmeshment is a description of a relationship between two or more people in which personal boundaries are permeable and unclear. This often happens on an emotional level in which two people “feel” each other's emotions, or when one person becomes emotionally escalated and the other family member does as well.
From experience, if the person you're dating is super-attached to their parents, there will always be issues.
I AM STRUGGLING with this so much..... I live to with them...
bhs So true. My first husband was a mama’s boy, and they can never be reformed.
@@barbararepko4824 have you ever thought maybe you were the problem?¿?
This was a serious problem for a while with her mom. My wife said her and her mom held nothing back and that wasn't changing.
As time went on, she wanted to know why I wouldn't fully open up with her. I told her that some subjects are between us. And as long as she spilled everything to her mom. Well, that will shut me down.
@@michaelh5055 That's a big problem and likely doesn't change. Women that are attached to their parents spill everything to them....and by everything I mean only the negative stuff about you. It's hard to break that bond and if you try to you will always be the bad guy. I will never date another girl that is super attached to their parents. If they have a regular relationship an adult should have with their parents (talk a few times a week, see them every now and then) thats fine....but talking multiple times a day and needing to see them daily is just weird.
“If you truly want to be respected by people you love, you must prove to them that you can survive without them.”
― Michael Bassey Johnson
Bro this hit hard
Michael that is SOO TRUE
Felt that.
Idk man. By that time, I don’t want their respect or anything.
I’ll be too strong to need anything from them ever again.
@@BigTroubleD Funny thing about life is just when you think you are strong & secure it throws you a major curve ball.
If there’s one piece of advice I could give to young couples, NEVER EVER live with your in-laws NO MATTER how tight money is. You’ll be happier living in a leaky shed than with either side of the family.
Depends on the situation too. If it is a dire situation, then maybe it is good to move with the in-laws. Also, do the in-laws have good boundaries? Are they wise people? It could be a blessing. Actually most peoples on the earth live with the extended family to some extent.
Wow I live with mine it’s been 3 years. And trust me it’s getting tough. Blessing for sure with two kids later but so TOUGH.
Brianne Fowler True. It never works out and they own you.
Never!
Idk. I have a 4k sqft home. I'm doing OK. And.. saving money so..
My (very wealthy ) mother in law offered to help my husband and I with a down payment on our first home....BUT She got to pick the Home.🙄We said NO THANK YOU.
Thank God you did that. You guys would’ve owed her for life if you said yes.
Seriously 🤦🏽♀️
We lived in our inlaws rental and it was the worse 2 years.
That’s an outrageous stipulation. Parents need to realize that the days of controlling has to come to an end.
@@newmank0217 seems to keep happening too.
Dave hits it right again. I left a guy who let his sister be in the middle of our relationship. And he's been divorced five times since.
Congrats! Great gift you gave yourself!
Elizabeth you dont seem to be a good person with what you have written.
Speed Ster 💩
@@swordfish9807 You seem kinda stupid.
😳 5 times?!
I no longer have a relationship with my in-laws because they could not respect boundaries and they were overtly abusive to me everytime I was around them. It was horrifically painful to do, but we've had an amazing marriage for 9 years now. If I did not set hard boundries, they would have destroyed my marriage, my self confidence, and my relationship with my kids. My wife has always stood up for me which I love more than anything about her.
Your wife a rider hermano, W
Your wife is the real MVP!!!
I am the wife in this pic. I love my husband, kids and myself too much to let control-freak crazy come round and do her damage for one more second.
@@nataliazakula3400 true. My family is my number one priority and my marriage is the foundation of my family. I'm in control of who I associate with. If someone's only intention is to cause drama and insecurity in my family, I don't want to be around them, even if they are family.
What a woman! Someone that understands and has actual awareness to stand up to anyone, even family.
Each spouse needs to train their parents in healthy boundaries!
Mad Max - Train the parents:). Boundary #1 be as self supporting adult. She is ok with having her husbands' family feed and put a roof over her head and her daughter's head
@@clarifyingquestions Who said the in-laws are feeding them? She said they were renting the space and that does not entitle the helicopter parents to dictate how they live their lives-try getting a life of your own! Too many in-laws give their opinion without be asked for it.
@@greyhound-t3k She did! They are living there because it is cheaper. Momma is giving them a deal. Did you not listen to the conversation. How to train your parents: Step one be a self supporting adult!!
@@clarifyingquestions She said they were living there, she did not say they were feeding them. Maybe you did not listen or you assume because they are living there they are being fed as well. So, once they are a self-supporting adult and living on there own then you loose the right to lecture? This women sounds like she is going to interfere no matter what. Regardless of a couples living situation, many in-laws feel they have a right to interfere! Most in-laws need to get a life of there own and not try to run their children's lives! Step one be self-supporting, step two, but out of other people's lives.
@@greyhound-t3k And you assume that mom would be interfering no matter what. So you get to assume while telling others not to. Fact: They are living with mommy and do not like it, so move out. But Your comment: Train your parents - hahahahaha I am still laughing. Good Luck with that. Worse advice ever. Or they could just move out with their child and support themselves. If Momma is still, interfereing then it is a boundary issue. Thanks for the laugh. So funny - adults living at home ought to train their parents ahahahahaha
I always wondered why people didn’t care for in-laws , until I learned.
8 years of marriage and 4 kids with invasive family here. I've walked this. They're absolutely correct. You HAVE to move.
We did almost immediately and we're both very happy with it. Im still in process of reconciliation with mother-in-law.
Move quickley!!!!
Thats one of the main reasons i want a lot of money and my own business, so people don't have so much control over my life... freedom definitely isn't free
It's what I tell my son who's in college. Freedom comes when you don't rely on anyone else but yourself. (Paid off house, car, etc.). Work hard for your freedom and best of luck!
The great thing is that if you live on a budget, it really doesn't take a lot of money to be independent. You can do it at nearly any rate if you are working full time
Absolutely. Money is freedom
Money won’t make you happy, but the lack of it will make you miserable.
💕🙌🏽
In-laws only should come over when invited
my parents "invite" themselves over monthly, and it's so hard to say, "No." :(
Laura Hughes Do what my Mom did and just have everyone hide! It sounds like a joke but she actually did that 🤦♀️🤷♀️
Wanda Benton And don’t give them a key to your house. My youngest sister made that mistake.
Except they are in the in laws house
TRUTH or lf they ask the responds is okay sure!
My mother once told me that married couples need to live at least 50 miles from either set of parents.
No, 5000 miles!
Both of mine are in different states from us and it's been great.
😂😂😂😂😂
Oh gosh. Well, I don’t even need that much space. Just living like 30mins away keeps them at a healthy physical & emotional distance. So that’s all I want lol.
😂😂😂😂@@anndennis7163
Hey Dave , a quote from the Bible on this one,. a man must leave his mother and father and cleave unto his wife. This young married man needs to move out and put boundaries on his mother , and tell his new wife she comes first and also show it in his actions.
Mark Volesky That’s how my current husband feels, my second marriage. I come first and he comes first with me.
Amen
When my son was 10 he said, "Some people grow up, while others just grow old.".
Therefore children should not be spouses.
He did not say that
@@stephengalindo6340
Seriously, he did. He was making a comment regarding his teacher whom he felt wasn't responsible.
Wow...awesome
I said something like that when i was 12. I said to my mom 'many kids in my class are more mature than may adults'
We moved 30 min away from my in-laws, then they offered to buy us a house but it had to be close to them. We kept saying no then eventually said yes then said no again right before the move in date because they were controlling us already ... it was exhausting.
They would also probably look at it as their house and come unannounced. You dodged a bullet.
Sounds like the premise of Everybody Loves Raymond🤣.
Wise decision you made! We live 30 mina from mine and they said my house is far 🙄
They only want us to visit them like EVERY weekend!
You’re damned if you do. You’re damned if you don’t. Any they are so use to doing this they don’t realize it’s not good for the long term relationship for all parties. It’s a best for them even if they can’t see it.
Should've said yes then the moment it's in your name rent it out and move away and buy your own place 😂
Mothers are way too used to being overly involved and get extremely offended when boundaries are in place
Especially with their baby boys
Never live with parents. NEVER live with parents! NEVER LIVE WITH PARENTS!!
My ex-husband's family used "being nice" as a way to control our relationship. After 15 years, and being told that he would never say "no" to his Mother, I left the marriage which eventually became an annulment.
How it became annulment?
I have come to believe that divorce is a product of one or both parties in the marriage were unwilling to grow up.
Good
Jennifer Lee you didnt achieve anything. If the man treated you with dignity and respect and you left him becoz he cared about his family. It doesnt show u in good light maam.
@@swordfish9807 your mom shouldnt be making life choices for you after 18
You should not get married if you, (either one), are unwilling to set boundaries with your parents and anyone else outside of the relationship.
Bro when Dave busts out the "mommy" lines it slays me
That’s why it’s never good to be too reliant on other people, even family. It costs to be the boss and when someone else is providing to your life in a significant way, like it or not they have some say. You can’t have it both ways. Dave is right they both need to put on their big kid underwear and start doing things on their own. Even if it means struggling for a while. Lots of young couples have done it before them.
Mother may have, Father may have....but God bless the child that has his own!
We were totally independent of them--owed them no money at all. Still his mother tried to control our life.
Totally agree. I was discussing things with my husbands mother over the weekend and she said well if you guys had so many money problems than why didn’t you reach out. But then she added but then you did decide to embark on that journey. I’m over here like Um and there you go! That’s why I didn’t mention anything to anyone about our financial status cuz it’s our business and we got into it. That’s why I don’t tell no one our money issues or now lack there off. None of their business. She did try to pry as to why we don’t share money. I gladly explained to her that it’s her son that likes to overspend and let people borrow money (cough cough her) and never gets it back lol. So I told her, I work too hard to not see my money and if he wants to spend it on daily coffees and be giving money out for free than so be it, but it’ll be his money not mine. Why should I suffer. She was quiet after that lol.
Loli Pena I hear this loud and clear. We live with ours...
TRUTH
I am going for broke here. I need to be really honest and bold with my statement. So many mother in laws are literally a cancer upon the marriages of their sons. The power that they wield to conquer and divide is just astounding. A man who really loves and respects his wife needs to put his mother in check at the very onset of his marriage. Otherwise his mother will "call the shots" over his entire marriage and for the rest of his life. This is dead serious. So many marriages have been destroyed, from the beginning of time, by mothers of son's who want to be "first rank" in their son's life. They compete with their son's wives in an attempt to show that they are the "matriarch" and "alpha female". They will barge into the marital home and take over. Any married man who allows this, deserves to be served with divorce papers. He clearly is violating the "leave and cleave" "forsaking all others" commandments for marriage. Guys, control your mother or lose your wife. Your choice.
I wish that my husband understood this. This captures my current situation beautifully. I vow to NOT be this kind of mother-in-law, should I be blessed to have grandchildren.
@@reigna7245 You have my sympathy! Be strong and keep your chin up, girlfriend! Also, you are never going to be that type of mother in law. No. You will be a kind, supportive MIL and your DIL will love you and so will your future grandchildren!
I had exactly this MIL. She helped to break our marriage apart as well as her other two son's.
I have a beautiful DIL. I absolutely appreciate and love her. My experience has given me the tools to have a good relationship with them both.
@@amyp66 Gosh, you sound like such a lovely woman! I'm sorry that your own marriage was destroyed by your MIL. You learned what NOT to be with your own DIL and I think that is incredible. I'm sure your DIL loves you so much and feels your kindness and support the marriage. Blessings to you and yours!
You are so correct! I lived this for 15 years!! I got anxiety before holidays and before my own kids birthdays because no matter what I do she took over my kids birthdays. No matter what boundaries I set she trampled over them! She rearranged my cabinets once visiting, would walk in my home uninvited and manipulates My kids. I tried everything to prevent her but never dealt with that level of crazy before and began to resent my husband for not choosing me over his mother who clearly had issues. Anytime I didn't do what she wanted she called my husband and would lie to make him mad at me! She got in my face screaming and we finally went no contact! If this did not happen I would have had no choice but to divorce for my sanity!!!
Dr. John always hearing it in people’s voices.
@@justinmusic1296 did you take some time to grieve that?
Seriously! I feel like he says these analogies as “filler” to fill up the time.
Here’s what Dave really wanted to say: get your own place/stuff/whatever and you can set your own rules.
Yep! He only said all that jargon because to be compassionate and whatnot to the situation.
“This chick is use to bossing everyone around.... I know her” HAHAHA DAVE IS TOO FUNNY😂 sounds like my in laws!!!
Living under someone else's house means being under their rules.. suoer difficult esp with in-laws!
Nicole, Please searc Average American Investor
I don't consider them under the same house. They are living in separate building. They are not eating meals together three times a day. If there that bossy, they should pay the parents rent, so they can have their own "house" rules. Now if its as simple as Mom wants her to use x soap on the kitchen floors, okay its their floors. no big deal even if its annoying. I mom says you should be the drain for the sink on the right side and she wants it on the left, because she likes it that way, back off mom.
I haven't seen my mother but 2 times in 3 years. She tried to inject herself in my marriage. Nope, not going to work that way for me.
Dude, it's sad. No matter how much you love your spouse. Never forget/bitter your relations with your parents.
Rather try to find a balancing way.
You can stay far away, but still you must talk to Ur parents. U never now when the day will come they won't be there n u will regret all the time you could talk to them.
@@DsDs-nu7nw Not always possible with all parents. Some parents are extremely toxic and will not respect any boundaries. :(
@@thelogicaldanger exacta, you have to take drastic measures in order to preserve your sanity and your marriage
TheLogicalDanger you nailed it.
While Ds Ds isn’t wrong about someday the annoying in-laws not being there someday and the regret that might come with it, some parents will remain toxic and will never have any respect.
Good for you for protecting yourself and your marriage.
People shouldn't get married if they cannot afford to live away from their parents. Leave and cleave.
Exactly
True this is why I refuse to get married. I’m not delulu enough to live with a terrible MIL eps if he’s wanting to live with her 🤢🤮
Autonomy is expensive
Their house
Their rules
Move into a trailer park
True... and when they get old and cannot support themselves they better hope they will be able to afford autonomy
When I was 18, I was the worst kid ever.
My parents were good stock. One day my dad took me for a ride and said
“If u don’t get a job, you can live with me and mom for the rest of your life.”
I was gone so fast. LoL.
My dad used reverse psychology on me.
Lol. He’s lucky it worked. It would back fire with a lot of people these days
@@V.Hansen.
LoL. Probably true
Pahahahaha 😂😂😂😂
Lolololololol
I lived on in-laws property and was always asking if it was ok to do things to the property, I was very aware that it was not mine... I always made sure to be aware of their feelings and wants when it came to the yard and even the house, looking back they were so controlling even then, even about my clothes and hairstyles. Eventually his parents (who stupidly decided to retire at 30 with 5 kids and no savings for retirement) couldn’t afford the property so they sold it while we were buying our first house, my husband offered for his parents to move the mobile home we were living in on their property to our property and move into it. It was the worst decision we ever made, I honestly never really felt included in the decision, somethingi had out with my husband for the 3 years we lived there. They crapped on our property, took over the barn without asking, stole from us and almost ruined our marriage. We finally decided to move closer to work and told them they had to find their own place. My husband and I have found love again and he has realized how toxic they were to us. We rarely ever see them and I think it was the best decision we’ve ever made, it’s too bad we learned it 6 years into our marriage. Run girl run.
This makes me feel sooooo much better knowing that my in laws are indeed not being very understanding and respecting our boundaries. Thank you for this!
I have one rule about my in laws. My husband deals with everything related to his family and I am not to intervene or talk to them in any way. I do the same with my family.
When I dated my husband, his mom made a negative comment towards me. I smiled and never said a word to them. I did talk to my bf (now husband) that his mother can choose his next gf. He talked to her that same night. They never said a bad thing about me ever again.
Annnnd there can only be one queen in a beehive. It is the caller's fault for living with her in laws.
My wife was and is treated like a child by her parents and they try to control her and my family. They cannot accept an adult to adult relationship.
In-Laws are something you consider before you get married tbh
This is true. Your in laws will absolutely have issues so it’s best to know before you’re married if you and your spouse can set boundaries or not. Then the other problem is whether or not your in laws will respect your boundaries.
Depends on your spouse's relationship with their parents and how much you rely on them. Very glad my partner doesn't hold my parents against me.
Mine didn’t show their crazy until we had kids.. then we entered the Twilight Zone..😳😳
@@leahwilson542 Seriously.
Man I don't like my boyfriend's dad but the good thing is that my boyfriend always keeps him at a distance and makes sure we not around his negativity and manipulation.
Kind of sounds like my Mom. No boundaries. She feels very entitled.
A good example. Many years ago, I was in the hospital after a very serious car accident (not my fault). After four months I got discharged. My first day back home, I discovered that Mom had redecorated my apartment. That did NOT go well with me!
Why was she able to get in? Did you give her a key?
@@shannon2748 Well, somebody has to keep an eye on the place, take in the mail and make sure the water heater hasn't sprung a leak. That is a lot to ask of a neighbor.
What was redecorated? New furniture? New painting on the walls? Or just moved around a bunch of stuff in a position you didn't like?
Love this advice. Very rarely do premarital counseling or the church deal with in law relationships. My husband and I dealt with terrible behavior from his parents for about 7 years. It took far too long. I want to write a book.
@C B what does that have to do with anything?
I would love to read a book about terrible in laws 🤣 I would completely relate to it
@@nathaliecastillo357 , If you and your spouse don't depend on them , you are free to do anything you want with your life. You can't have both ways, can't be an adult by being irresponsible.
@Cherry like the fruit I totally agree.
Please do!
As someone that lived through this precise boundary issue they are talking about I can tell you that standing up and enforcing that boundary makes the relationship so much better in the long term. It is going to hurt, but you will be so much better off.
Always love Dave's directness
Love how Dave is always short and to the point!
I love how Dave was direct. Dave doesn't like noisey in laws . He has shown that to us on several in laws issues. John doesn't want to be seen as the "bad guy" and rumbles too much. I do Agree with Dave. Great advise there.
I love Ramsey’s direct conversation! So helpful. No bs.
Great advice for those of us us with grown children that have their own families now. Letting go isn’t easy, bit it’s necessary for all parties involved.
Great for you! You are courageous and wise parent. You are indeed doing your last spiritual assignment as a parent. More parents need to take this seriously both for their adult child and ironically for themselves in the long term! You rock! 😊
I feel bad for all the people who have toxic in laws. 😢 My parents have been the biggest blessing to my marriage. When we lost everything, dad let us move in, when he retired, he let us take over his mortgage and house so he could go do his own thing. When I had my baby, my mom moved in for a few months to help me, and when I broke my leg, my mom and dad took care of my kid and her schooling while I recovered and hubby worked. Thanks mom and dad for making living or relying on you a loving choice and huge blessing that did not kick me in the teeth later ❤ I hope I can become kickass parents and in laws like them ❤❤❤
If at all costs (pun intended), don’t invite family into your marriage and into the living/ household arrangements.
“A man shall LEAVE his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (ESV) (Genesis 2:24). Married couples run into trouble if they fail to leave their fathers and mothers.
The anger and resentment will continue to grow!
Johns second favorite line... carrying some sort of construction material 😂😂😂😂😂
Actually I loved both responses and learned from both. Dr. D. is intuitive, like sometimes he can see into your soul just by hearing your voice. He notices things you did not even say. And Dave sums the whole problem up and cuts the BS: straight to the result. Love this combo!
That was sweet at the end to show how much Dave Ramsey is a lovebug for his family!
I already informed my sons (11 and 8) that they and their wives will NEVER move into the basement. Never. I value my relationships with my future DILs too much. I learned the hard way as a young bride.
The "Keeping It Real" award goes to
Dave Ramsey!
This cohost just rambles on when he gives advice 😭
Dave just went straight to the POINT! I miss his solo shows!
He is helping the guy. Be patient with him
Give him a chance, goodness!!!!!
Give him a chance, goodness!!!!!
Monette Valliere no
Mr Ramsey is trying to set up people to take over; he has been working a long time doing the same thing, hearing the same things over and over again. It must be very frustrating for him. I took FPU in 1997.
THIS!!! All of this! Boundaries are so important.
I am so glad they said that. Been there done that. Love how blunt Dave is.
She needs to talk with her husband about speaking to his parents about boundaries or move. She also needs to reach out to a therapist.
The key to avoiding all this mess is as parents you hold that little baby, look it in its sweet little eyes and make a commitment to raising it strong and able so one day it will LEAVE..... That's the purpose of parenting. The joy in seeing your children have their own life is amazing. Dave mentioned Latino culture and how they live multigenerational without arguments....the Mama's know how to let go. That's it.
Yes.
NOT MY Latina mother.. she's a full of unforgiveness towards her parents and is determined to control/destroy her children and families
It is never ok to generalize, in any circumstance. Latino mother's can also be quite controlling and toxic or dependant financially, emotionally etc.
I was raised very old school. My parents taught us as long as you are under our roof, you go by our rules. We were taught from childhood if you want to do what you want to do, then get your own roof. So, to this couple please get your own roof.
It’s totally fair though… my house my rules, if you don’t like it, move 😂
Dave’s perspective is so helpful. Gosh, experience beats all again
Dave Ramsey is an absolutely brilliant man. He’s changed my life in multiple ways. He’s taught me so much. I can’t even believe it.
Yay about identifying the in-law intrusion. After 17 years, 4 children and 10 moves of my exe's flexing his 'manhood' , my exe announced his mother & sister were his family and he would do what they decided. Those words sealed the break. I hope she heard you both, especially you, Dave Ramsey. Wish I had had such fatherly advice when i was a young, I think that was some of what prepared me for honoring my own children and their spouses. Namaste
I did and we are so much better for it!
So relatable. You are a brave lady and are doing right by your children
I love the poem On Children by the Lebanese poet Khalil Gibran
Just beautiful . Every parent need to meditate on it. When they have children.
My mother in law said I stole her son. And moved in with us.
That was awesome! I just want to say one thing though...Dave it might just be one of your own kids who doesn't want to go to the lake this weekend. Just don't always assume it's the "other one" who is putting the breaks on, please! I say that as the other one who is darn sick of being blamed for everything...even if the in-law is nice to my face. I do mean it, this video is awesome.
Dave Ramsey is such a role model for me. So glad I read his book at 19. He's inspired me to start a YT platform and amass a net worth of 70,000$! He even addressed familial issues related to money. Such a great man.
What is the name of the book?
“Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life, but define yourself.”
― Harvey Fierstein
When I told my husband I didn't want to spend our Christmas at any grandparents of our kids when I was 6 months pregnant with our third child, HE got very dissapointed in me.
Because I wanted some familytime with OUR family.
Sometimes husbands and wives aren't perfect like these therapists with their perfect families and boundries.... Sometimes it is for better or worse.
For now, I want to see and feel the better-part now. With inlaws that act like 4 year-olds when something doesn't work out the way they planned (and not discussed it), it is difficult.
I hope my husband will become more like a lion protecting me and our kids.
Everyone that is married needs to hear this !!! ESPECIALLY newly married !
Move QUICKLY!!! Peace of mind is priceless!!!
Several issues here, children are picking and choosing what they want to do in the adult world, they get married or start a relationship and first thing is have a baby when you cant provide for yourself with mommy wanting to stay home with the children. What else are the parents providing ?? This is why parents feel they need to be in the childrens life on a daily basis providing various types of support as what you are seeing here to the point where the parents own you because you lack good judgment. Boundaries come with independence. I also been thru the Police Academy , switch career to a fireman.
Steve Kopcial there is an article on Facebook from one of the sources. The write up states “the impact of generational poverty on African Americans.” I was reading thru the comments & noticed a few of the WM stated that people should make better choices. The 2 featured women were both black. 1 had 3 children the other 7;both single mothers poorly educated & their mothers both “struggled” in the same way. I myself, a BW, agreed , it is about better choices. I felt I could never type my opinion because I would be accused of everything under the sun. If you grew up seeing your mother struggling with poverty why would you follow in her footsteps? I never understood that.
I said that to say this, though this couple is married, this is how generational poverty begins. When folks are equipped financially & mentally for children & they’re cherry picking the parts of adulthood they will have.
The biggest problem when you live with family members is "Interference", it's Toxic, its Cancerous and it will affect any & every relationship.
THANK YOU GRANDPA DAVE RAMSEY!!!
My in laws are great. They are always encouraging, would help us with anything ( we've never asked), and stay in their lane unless they are totally against a choice of ours, which they never have been.
You are so lucky. My own parents are toxic narcissists and so is my MIL.
If only! My inlaws are bullies who use everything I say against me after they twist it's meaning.
Nailed it Dave! Hello from Perth, Western Australia
3:47 Dr. John just talks too much sometimes for my liking. I just prefer the Dave version of things. This is a perfect example.
Man I can hear it in your voice, you need to stop carrying that brick around and set it down man 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
right man get this dude off the show he sounds exactly like those other ppl on talk shows that beat around the bush that id never listen to
I was kinda thinking the same. Since he’s been on the show, it appears he doesn’t have his own opinion. Dislike when he tries to align his viewpoint w/Dave. Just say it....
Choppa 7 Dr John has 2 PHDs (Counseling & GE) and studied 8 years to earn those degrees, thus he is giving a professional advice and a guidance.
Be respectful to the man who deserves to be on the show.
@@CryptoDad83 counseling and general education? The easiest degrees to get that dont really make much of a difference? Ive met tons of idiots with degrees and tons of smart people without then
My in-laws were visiting and I needed to pay bills. My fil tried to stand over me and ask questions about the bills. I quit and locked myself away to finish. He would always ask what we paid for things. My husband would tell him it was enough. He would tell us about siblings finances. We told him it was none of our business. So glad we lived ten hours away.😮
Never force your spouse to set boundaries with YOUR parents.
Y'all get together and set boundaries for both sets of your parents and you can't do that sitting on their property whichever set of parents you're "resting" on.
MCRC yes,it’s totally unfair and you become the bad one.🙄
My husband is scared of his mommy so I’m the wicked witch that has to set boundaries. We have a great marriage. It’s honestly the only real thing we fight about. If we lived closer though, I don’t think we’d be together...
When you marry, those familial ties need to be cut as much as possible. You don’t HAVE to live on a family property or work in the family business. Those red flags of people overstepping were already present before you said I do. If you can’t separate from family and just let the two become one, you’re not ready to be married.
Fantastic advice I wish I had heard this when I was newlywed!
Dave, you have the biggest heart. ❤️☺️
What do you do when your in-laws move within a few miles of you? Absolutely ZERO boundaries. Was continually needing to go out to eat every week, coming over to get mail everyday. They finally got their own mailbox and we don’t go out to eat every week. But even once a month is far to much when I still see them at least once a week, even for only a few minutes. They still want to get together and now I am the bad guy in the relationship because I want to be left alone.
My mother had to tell my father when they were first year of marriage, it is either your family or me, needless to say he chose her. His family had moved in on my parents and expected my mother to act as a maid to them. My father thought they had just came for a visit, but when he was at work, my mother overheard conversation that indicated they had no plans on leaving.
My in laws are extremely toxic as well. They seem to somehow be involved in every major decision we want to make in our child or our lives. My wife tries to set some boundaries which often goes ignored.
Ive come to learn that they will never change so the best thing to do is just try to keep my distance from them as best as possible.
John and Dave vibe so well together! Very complimentary personalities. They both know when to let the other person have the floor and when to say their piece
Best decision my husband & I made 18 years ago when we got married was moved 4,000 miles away from both our families & our comfort zones & all we had was each other & we built our life together.
“The outlaws”
🤣😂🤣 I caught that too
As it should be 💯
OUTLAWS ARE WANTED!! INLAWS AREN'T!!! BIG DIFFERENCE LOL
I've been there and it's painful. The Mother in law is not going to change. Dave you don't need that Dr. You've proved it enough. I wish Bethany the best and Dave is 1000% correct.
I'm always uneasy when Dave's sidekicks are nervously rambling on and saying little.
Yep Dave is much more straight forward
I was just thinking that !
Talk to your husband about him joining the military. Yes it will be extremely hard at first, but it will be easier after, you will have a place of your own away from your in-laws, military benefits and who knows maybe your husband will mature mentally to stand up for his family.
That was his dream! But per a thyroid issue, the military won't let him join. His asvab(?9 score was so high he had several branches interested. But they never approved his medical pass. and a nuclear score of 52.
Stop being ungreatful for any help you get youngsters and learn some negotiating skills. People of all ages give unsolicted advice. Stop being so sensitive, stop and think how you would feel if your kid someday acts this way toward you. I, for one am tired of the toxic lables attached to loving, well meaning parents. Goodness people THINK with your brain, not your emotions. These elder parents are in their freedom years, no doubt they have made a generous concession at this time of life too, Maybe where you see controlling, they see love or helpful advice. Give them the benefit of the doubt, save your attitudes, for serious violations, not slight annoyances,
My in-laws allowed us to rent their duplex around the corner from them when we first got married. They were good about never coming over and overstepping their boundaries.
This is SO GOOD!! Thank you!
Twenties, working part-time, and having kids instead of getting established in life first
Pretty much the blueprint for poverty, and failure
Hes working full time not part time.
@@darlenepaul2934 okay, I missed that correction
They still aren't established enough to be having kids
@@artwebb6939 okay but they already did so how about advice on how to make it work and still have success instead of “you’re doomed.” What should they do? Abandon their child? If you don’t have anything constructive to say, you’re just being a butthead.
@@juliagoodrich6483 no, I'm stating facts
Facts that others about to make the same mistake might not, if people would be honest, instead of trying to spare people's feelings
Obviously they're both going to have to develop additional income streams, or live a very minimalist lifestyle
On the contrary, if they both are honest and hardworking , they will have better success in life. They are already on the right path at a young age. Not like those who waste away their 20s and 30s on pubs and girls only to spend huge amounts on treatment to get a healthy baby.
Your grandparents’ generation did this and they build the nation you are living comfortably in. There was less suicide and depression.
What’s more likely? The mother-in-law is overbearing or the 22 year old is very immature? Great advice though, the young couple needs to get out of this situation and learn to grow up.
Both
Maybe she needs to get a better job too? I’m honestly sick of people thinking the wife is exempt
Brian Pitsilides the mother in law is overbearing
@@yamezfox4599 Her "job" is taking care of their baby all day, every day. The Most Important Job there is! She's farrrrr from "exempt."
@@yamezfox4599 I kinda agree with this, i think because dave is old school he is very accepting of those traditional gender roles, which i think is fine, but if youre struggling to establish yourselves due to lack of funds, both people are gonna need to get working and saving up. Also they live with in laws so there's already some assistance with childcare. I respect people who mutually agree that a sahm/ working dad dynamic works for them, but as a woman carrying qll the financial responsibilites is a burden that I wouldnt want to have and therefore would never want to place on my partner unless absolutley necessary
She can always get a job, bring in money and move.
While she takes care of a 16 month old, sure...
@@Elizabeth-yg2mg I went back to work 6 weeks after having my son. You don't want to be responsible for your situation then don't complain.
@@lmbarnes3 you're a really strong person
I don’t remember any mention of whether or not she had a job. Maybe I missed it.
right, and how much will the sitter cost...........her mother in law?????????????
Gosh I wish my mom had that. I love her but I also don't feel like calling or visiting that often either because I want to grow my life overall!
Freaking annoying. Any parents reading this, if your 20 or even 30 something needs space. GIVE IT TO THEM. Please!
Dave, you give great help and feedback!
Dave is 1000% right! Surprised the "dr" beat around instead of saying move out. Was disappointed in him. Not taking advise from him.
Good advice from both gentleman
What’s your IG? 😇
I like how Dr. D. always zeroes in on the sound of people’s voices. So important.
I am listening on Audible to that Boundaries book you recommended. It's great and I have read a lot of other books on the subject and am not religious. I liked the part that said resentment is a "sin" that you commit. It's your responsibility to stop your resentments.
My mother in law almost ruined my marriage as well. We lived with her because we were 18 with a 1 year old when we got married and she tried brainwashing him into thinking I was lazy and not the one for him because I wasn’t from their religion (Jehovah Witnesses) to be exact. Mind you I was the one cleaning the whole house and two bathrooms myself and I cooked for everyone with our groceries and she still complained but I was so drained and depressed about having so much on my shoulders with her three other daughters who were all above the age of 35 single no kids and wouldn’t help at all they would just stare and laugh. I started suffering from panick/anxiety attacks and I stopped caring about what they said and thought about me and stopped trying to please them that I only started looking after my little family and not they’re mess and things that’s when they realized they needed me more than we actually needed them so long story short we ended up moving out a few years down the road and it was the best decision my husband and I made and were both happier and better now. Now his family struggles with the whole cooking and cleaning situation because they hate doing that and with being able to afford mortgage and bills. How life works for those who take advantage of others