Sounds like the sister wanted to know their bills after they said they couldn’t afford a $12k trip-sis wanted to prove they could. Still not her business--I’d be scared to marry into that family.
@@hollyb6885 Not necessarily, there are reasonable reasons to dislike people. Granted sister doesn't sound reasonable but we only heard one side of the story.
Sister wants to know how much she can bully them into paying toward family emergencies, parents' expenditures, family vacations... And she will always be telling them how to spend their money-- will be critical.
MarineMike And the underlying issue is what? That they meddle in business that is not their own. Therefore, this response directly tells them that they are unwilling to share their financial details. Done. If they continue to meddle, they deserve to be cut off.
@@JusVen doesn't really make a difference unless they are traditionalists and see a new household forming only after blabbing some stuff in a church, in that case sure
Jacob Votava I understand every family has different values and ideas about privacy and keeping personal information private so I respect your opinion but I absolutely disagree. I don’t care if it’s my sister/brother/mother/father or it’s my brother in law/sister in law/mother in law/ or father in law. I don’t care if it’s prior to marriage or even prior to getting engaged. There’s absolutely no reason for anyone other than myself and my girlfriend/wife to be included in any aspect of our finances! Now if what this woman explained to Dave is the full truth about why her boyfriends family decided to take it to that level then they are completely out of line!
@Jacob Votava And if it's reciprocated. If they want to know my finances, but don't want to disclose theirs, there's a big red light burning with me. Now, if they are very open about it, and see it as a way to learn new tricks and perhaps even do some succession planning, It'd be still a little uneasy, and I would probably refuse, too, but without the paranoia I have when they just want to know my stuff.
I think the fact that she doesn't want to accrue extra debt going on a vacation is a good sign in a future spouse. Debt is easy to acquire, and hard to pay off.
@@dantoinettem6825 No that's different, if my family wasn't okay with my wife, for no good reason, they'd have to get out of my life. You don't change who you love or who you are committed to because your family are lunatics. It's one thing if they have legitimate concerns and are trying to raise them to you, it's entirely another if they are just mean bullies towards your significant other, and being nosey, prying, manipulators. My cousin got impulse married to a girl from his home down while he was on leave in the army, ended up moving her to a house on base while he was deployed. His mother moved down there to the house because she didn't think the new wife was taking good enough care of her son....just really intrusive. We know she was working on him to divorce her almost from the start. As it turned out he was probably better off getting out of the marriage, but nobody knew that until later on, the mother was already dead set against her before there was any reason to be. What matters in a marriage most is the two people in it. If he isn't taking his family's side, why would she turn her back on him? It isn't his fault at that point. People don't get to pick their birth family.
@@isaiah92 how does that make any sense? You can't be a good therapist when you use dogmas and non scientific proven facts. Therapy isn't talking to your priest, mother, father, good friend, wtv. It has scientific research and counselling has nothing to do with giving advise that you think is right without scientific basis. Therefore anyone using religious stuff would be banned from pratice. You can believe in wathever you want, in your private life, doesn't matter what. But religion isn't science.
I remember my ex mother-in-law (who always ''borrowed'' money from me and never giving it back) threatening me to never talk to me again if I didn't give her more money. I used to feel intimidated by her son's reaction if I said no but in that moment I had had enough and felt I was truly done. I replied with one word that finally set the motions to break that marriage: ''Promise?'' 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
In my opinion, even if they were married, the other family really doesn't have any right to pry as much as they're doing. Now it boils down to if that is what she wants to marry into. A frustrating situation.
EXACTLY. IF they were married AND constantly asking his family for money, then that would be a different story. The minute you start asking for help to pay your bills, that's the minute you give people the right to ask about your your financial information.
@@notmebutyou8350 Right, because you want to know if you're helping or enabling. Especially, if you have family members who have histories of bad spending. I wouldn't loan my parents or my brother money before knowing their financial situation because I know they have bad spending habits.
@@TheRisky9Casey sounds like a typical STUPID FEMALE.She comes off as a giggly nitwit(what the hell is funny). She likes to run her mouth that's why she's asking such a stupid question.The answer is No none of your f....g business! If necessary,she needs to sound off like she's got a pair and SCREAM like a lunatic , shouting these creeps down.
12,000 for Disney ?!?!? 1. She doesn’t like you 2. She doesn’t like that you don’t want to do what she wants to do 3. She’s asking for your finances because A. She thinks you must be spending all of your boyfriends money or B. To fire her argument that you have the money , but , your not willing to spend it on his family’s vacation.
@ad izzle , She said the price was just for the two of them, not the entire family. And when she budgeted it herself, I think she got it down to $1,500 (if I remember correctly). Anyway, when you have so much debt, the alternative is to not go on vacation at all (unless it's in the city next door). You can't let your relatives dictate those choices for you.
This is really weird. I'm from a family that doesn't share finances either, but my husband's mother's side is over-sharers. She sat me down when we got engaged and went over his debt item by item with me so I would be prepared and asked me to do the same with him about my debt. She never asked about my debt. I really appreciated that, but there was no prying at all into my finances. Of course she knew my debt was about 1/4 of his, so it felt like she was concerned more about me knowing. We were young (19 and 21 when engaged) and she was his financial advisor at the time and had his permission to go over it with me. I couldn't imagine this situation where they pry into your finances in your mid-thirties as if you haven't been doing this for 15 years! I hope all works out great for you both.
Phone calls like these make me so happy my husband hasn't spoken to his mother in 10 years, because she's the exact type who violates boundaries and then punishes you if you don't allow it. I don't allow it, and her punishment was to disown her own son. It's not quite the punishment she believes it to be. We're both pretty content about it.
@@rc0334 No, she's an abusive parent who has now driven all 3 of her children away, as well as 2 sisters and her own parents. She's also disowned her own grandchildren. She disowned them out of spite because her son and his wife bought a dog, when she didn't think they should get one yet. They live in their own home, have their own jobs and have 2 children that she refuses to ever call her grandchildren because they got a dog. You can't make amends with that type of person.
@@pheenobarbidoll2016 She can’t be bargained with……..she can’t be reasoned with…….or feel pity or remorse!” xD That’s a line from one of my favorite sci-fi movies aka Terminator hehe.
Agreed. My wife's mother and sister are VERY financially irresponsible and her mother is constantly giving money that she doesn't have to her sister. My wife will get very angry and want to call her mother and chew her out for continuing to enable her sister but I tell my wife all of the time that it isn't her business UNTIL her mother calls and asks US for money. Then it's all on the table.
Yeah, change your “not until I graduate” marriage clause to “not until you tell your crazy family to stay out of our business and make it stick” clause. Otherwise you’re just walking down an aisle towards lifelong hassles there my dear. Unless they’re paying the bill for it, NO ONE needs to know your financial situation, period.
Dave, I’d like to take a moment for all the wisdom you have shared through your books and videos, I’ve been following the baby steps and I just paid off all my debts just yesterday, I’m a 25 years old teacher from Dominican Republic and thanks to you and your program... I’m debt free and on my way to increase my emergency fund. Best regards.
here how this work, the guy you going to marry, he has the right to know your finances, his family do not. the only way his family has a right to know your finances, if you are trying to borrow money form them.
NO If you are asking me for money, I have the right to ask you were your money going, dont like it, dont take my money. ps I not talking about if you need a 100 till Friday, I talking about a lot of money.
This is a mess. Boundry issues, excessive disney trip, not even married but playing house. Ya'll need to get detective pikachu figure to shift thru all this.🧐
Your assuming the woman is telling the whole story i find people often leave out minimize what they have done when telling "their side".. My sis whould push me to know what kind of DEBT i might be marrying into. If she hasn't been open with him about her finances before getting married, well maybe sis has some concern.
@Joe H Maybe they are, but if she's in grad school, her earning potential is ahead of her, and she's probably not making that much money right now. In either case, there are ways to go to Disneyland without spending $12,000 for just two people. The two families could just book different hotels and not partake in all the same activities. And if the family/sister really cared about the guy's finances, they should be happy that his girlfriend doesn't want to spend such an outrageous amount right now .
I think she could be telling the full story. I’ve actually had people get mad at me because I wouldn’t go along with every expensive thing they wanted to do on vacation. Wasn’t trying to stop them from doing anything but some people do like to spend other people’s money. This is totally believable.
@@kaycure8629 in Australia defacto couples are given the same rights as married except for a few niche things relating to e.g. adoption. The main issue is needing to determine whether the relationship counts as defacto. This could be by living together over 2 years or other qualifiers such as children or combined finances but in the case of my parents it is pretty obvious they qualify. But yeah we often warn people here that if they live with their boyfriend/girlfriend for 2 years that person could lay claim to their assets.
Do not give in and tell them anything about your personal finances. It's none of their business. I also don't think the relationship with the in-laws will get better when/if caller marries the boyfriend. It'll probably get worse. I see a few comments mentioning his family is probably worried he'll be stuck paying her student loans. Again, it's none of their business. If he wants to marry her, debt and all, that's on him.
Run girl, I should've! Years of misery , even the sister told me my first daughter should be called Sarah. But I am Dutch, pracmatic and blunt, told her to mind her own business. Do it girl! They will get a shock but don't care!
I love Papa Dave’s face when she explained the foolishness. Married or not none of these folks would know whats going on in my household. And absolutely her partner is the one who needs to address his family!
Money, Religion, In-Laws, and Kids. That was the most succinct bit of marriage counseling I've ever even heard of. It's like the 4 pillars that are legs to a nice table. Any of them are out of whack, and you're going to have trouble.
jamesfl1968 People only ask questions when there’s a red flag that has been risen. Her boyfriend obviously said something to the family and the girlfriend is a control freak
I bet he told his family that his is going to propose to her after she graduates so they want to know what financial situation their son is marrying into.
I was dating a lady who's family did the same thing to me. They hired a private investigator and found nothing to complain about. Needless to say she ended up leaving me apparently for a Lawyer who had deeper pockets then I had at the time.
My grandmother had the best response ever to people that asked intrusive questions. She would look them straight in the eye and ask them "why on earth would you want to know that?" Then that forces them to explain why they're so nosy. Or they back down. Anyways you don't need to answer to them.
Please listen to someone who has been married for 7 years. Toxic family is HORRIBLE to go through in a marriage, especially when children are involved. If your boyfriend doesn't become a man and tell his family to back off, there is no way I would marry that guy. That is a sign of a boy, not a man.
My in-laws were the same. They also complained that I was a secretary and had not miraculously turned into a lawyer and that I was not earning enough to keep their son in the manner they wanted him accustomed to and he had to work. I told them that our bills were nothing to do with them.
"HIs whole family isn't speaking to us right now." Take that win and enjoy it. Not because you don't wish to speak to them, but because if this is how they insist on behaving, silence is preferable.
THAT'S SO TRUE: People who don't respect boundaries, after you say no and then they yank something away from you. Nope!!--stay away from them. They'll burn you eventually if you just accept their BS. If you have to have some kind of relationship with them, be very distant and guarded. Stick to your guns but no means no. Can also apply to dating, dump them if you are just getting to know someone and all of sudden they're pulling that BS. Friends too if they do that hell no, they got to go too.
Well, she has a priority of finishing school first. At least she's telling him to hold off on proposing. Because once he proposes, she'll accept, and then they'll feel rushed into setting a date, making wedding plans, etc. She needs to concentrate on her studies right now.
There are 2 sides to every story. What if this woman caller has a huge education loan debt and the family is concerned that he will be liable for it when they are married and he will still be liable for it should they ever divorce and it is not paid off. Or maybe she is right and they are nosy and have no reason to be.
I don't have a problem with waiting until she finishes grad school to get engaged. Trying to plan a wedding while going to school would be a nightmare and I bet "sister" will offer up money to control the wedding plans. As far as the family boundary issues, I had a very similar situation with my sister and my mother which ended up with me establishing boundaries that ultimately severed my relationship with that side of the family. Ephesians 5:31- "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh". The boyfriend is going to need to show some strength and establish boundaries before they tie the knot, which it seems he has done.
Hotel rooms are expensive but like $12,000 expensive I don't know I have a lot of smaller kids and I never spent close to that amount but I did stay at the resort and maybe that's what they want it's ridiculous they should pay for it instead of asking
@@2inchfromtheground Wow I had no idea it was that expensive. I typically spend $1,100-$1,200 for 6 days each time I go to Europe (at least twice a year). I haven't been to Disney since 2012. Luckily my friend worked there any was able to get employee discounts
When the family harasses the girl or guy, it's a subliminal message. The family doesn't like you. This girl is living with her roommate and his family doesn't approve. You know papa dave doesn't
I can relate to this so much! We have an emotionally manipulative family member for whom everyone walks on eggshells. It all came to a head over family vacation plans when we said we couldn't afford to do what she wanted. Then everyone turned on us for ruining her plans. Things have not improved much since then, which was over a year ago. I agree with Dave here... This is not about money!
This woman is not telling the whole story. You can tell by her giggle. Also, what trip can you go on for 12k that you could have gone on for 1500? She's not telling the whole thing. And it's goofy to call a financial advisor about whether you should give your boyfriend's mother your light bill.
What a joke reading the comments! Everyone is adding their own imaginary details to this story. It's an interesting situation. Big sis sounds like a big pain, but his whole family not talking to him either? There's definitely something more going on.
It's good that they nipped this in the bud right away even if it means his sister isn't speaking to them anymore. She's trying to establish control over them and once they let her do it, she would be in their business for their entire marriage. Who does she think she is anyway??
Basically, they think she's controlling him. I haven't heard of a woman controlling when she's proposed to. Wedding date? Yes. Proposal? No. Also, the we'll only go to Disney if we pay my way. It could just be how she phrases things.
Interesting, my bf family is like that. He asked his parents for financial help and they told him, they can't because they want to help him but he's not the only person in the picture. They even went on by asking him where's the money (exact amount) I had in my savings. Thought I was the only one in this situation.
that's different...if he's asking for help, he and you can expect a major inquisition into your situation and how it is you need help.....you can either live by their rules or withdraw your request.
I went through similar issues when me and my husband were first together. Dave is right! 100% things changed once we got married. But boundaries are sooooo important in a relationship to set early on and in laws can wreak a great relationship!!
NEVER let in-laws know your finances unless it’s an emergency!! When one spouse acquiesces and lets their family know your finances, the clock starts to a divorce.
PLOT TWIST: What if we just got the perspective from the most evil woman on the face of the earth, and it turns out the family has a right to be concerned........just saying, some things need more info....
If he didn't hold a firm line and protect her, i hope she RAN!!!!! This is all on him, hopefully he had the testicular fortitude to take those crazies in hand!
what's wrong with allowing him to propose first and then getting married after grad school? Why is she telling him to not propose until after grad school?
@@kibret6588 Saying yes to a guy who loves you will slow down your studying? I think she is unsure if she wants to marry him. If she gets a high paying job after school, probably going to try dating again.
Yeah definitely crossing boundaries big time, never ever disclose financial information to anyone except your SO. I don't even share my information with my daughters, it always causes problems, jealously resentment etc.
investing requires good experience and knowledge to carry out a good and successful trade, I have lost a lot trying to trade all by myself May I ask which investments are good??>>>>
I understand your concerns, my friend. I recommend exploring passive index fund investing and expanding your knowledge in this area. Personally, I experienced both successes and challenges when initially seeking a reliable passive income......,
Folks that had good upbringing, automatically and intuitively understand and respect boundaries. In my family, my parents and siblings never meddled in my business, nor did I theirs. We all knew reasonable and proper boundaries.
Tigerkem the sister probably has kids and is wanting to go above and beyond for one of the kids birthday, wanting to get the matching shirt, biggest hotel suite, the meal plan, first class transportation. Sounds like they don’t have kids and aren’t willing on spending $12,000, I wouldn’t want to spend $12,000 at a trip with no kid, not even with kids.
Girl. Run! I have a nagging, jealous old sister in law and it only got worst when we got married and had a child. She is so jealous, it's ridiculous. If your Man isn't strong, grab your stuff and go. Not worth it.
"His whole family isn't speaking to us now." Sounds like you've solved your problem then!
This "Since you won't do what I/we want you to do, you MUST be punished!" nonsense drives me crazy.
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Would solve at least half my problems in life.
That was my exact thought
Haha brilliant
Ask for THEIR bills
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 Yep.
Sun Set I love this idea! Hehe!!!
I like this idea. I might try it when mom-in-law asks how much is left to pay on my student loan. I could ask her how the new mortgage is going. 😉
Yass
Ask for their medical history
As of yesterday, I am debt free. :) Thank you, Dave
Congrats 🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈
🏆💰😎
Now stay debf free. That’s the tricky part (or so I hear lol .) congrats
Congrats! That's awesome
Congrats!!
Sounds like the sister wanted to know their bills after they said they couldn’t afford a $12k trip-sis wanted to prove they could. Still not her business--I’d be scared to marry into that family.
The caller said the sister doesn’t like her. It’s going to be a problem forever.
Amen!
So would i
, and probably Only because they couldn't manipulate her
@@hollyb6885 Not necessarily, there are reasonable reasons to dislike people. Granted sister doesn't sound reasonable but we only heard one side of the story.
Sister wants to know how much she can bully them into paying toward family emergencies, parents' expenditures, family vacations... And she will always be telling them how to spend their money-- will be critical.
I would tell her "I'll tell you my finances once you start working for me and paying my bills." Huehuehue
Good point!
"His whole family isn't speaking to either of us now." Well, that solves the problem! Don't make the trip with them.
Exactly. I don’t get why there’s a current problem lol. They cut you both off, good riddance, move on. Who wants family like that around?
@@melindamercier6811 - agreed. That's sounds like a good thing for the girlfriend, but it might not be good for her boyfriend though
Don't take the trip
Exactly. Who would want to go on a rip with them?
I was married to a family who was JUST LIKE THIS. Unless he can place boundaries and he will stick to them, you should leave. I had to leave.
so true. I was in a LT relationship with a similar situation... also decided to leave before it's too late. So Glad that I left!
Good for you! That can be stressful to any relationship.
@WeeStrom CO Guy and sometimes they don't. ♡♡♡
Either your family or mine
@WeeStrom CO Guy marry your family then...lol
How about “We prefer to keep our finances private, but we appreciate your concern. Thank you for being so thoughtful.” 😉😉😉
Right reply!
Good reply but won't solve the underlying issue.
My husband is too much of a whimp to tell his mother that. That is the biggest part of the problem in my house.
MarineMike And the underlying issue is what? That they meddle in business that is not their own. Therefore, this response directly tells them that they are unwilling to share their financial details. Done. If they continue to meddle, they deserve to be cut off.
@@boujiebarbie3198 maybe u have a wife then haha jk
Even if you guys were married , I don’t think it’s his families business. You guys are adults not children.
If they were married it would be even less their business.
@@JusVen doesn't really make a difference unless they are traditionalists and see a new household forming only after blabbing some stuff in a church, in that case sure
Jacob Votava I understand every family has different values and ideas about privacy and keeping personal information private so I respect your opinion but I absolutely disagree.
I don’t care if it’s my sister/brother/mother/father or it’s my brother in law/sister in law/mother in law/ or father in law. I don’t care if it’s prior to marriage or even prior to getting engaged. There’s absolutely no reason for anyone other than myself and my girlfriend/wife to be included in any aspect of our finances! Now if what this woman explained to Dave is the full truth about why her boyfriends family decided to take it to that level then they are completely out of line!
@Jacob Votava And if it's reciprocated. If they want to know my finances, but don't want to disclose theirs, there's a big red light burning with me. Now, if they are very open about it, and see it as a way to learn new tricks and perhaps even do some succession planning, It'd be still a little uneasy, and I would probably refuse, too, but without the paranoia I have when they just want to know my stuff.
Adults acting like children
I think the fact that she doesn't want to accrue extra debt going on a vacation is a good sign in a future spouse. Debt is easy to acquire, and hard to pay off.
Exactly! I'm in the process of paying off and it's been real!
She is still in school. Where do they think the couples money is going to?
Ok. The whole family is not speaking to you and your still considering going on this trip?!
sandra jenkins it’s going to be fun and they can still have a fun
rachel Crawford it’s hard to have fun when you’re stuck with people who don’t like you
The whole family is not speaking to you and you're still considering getting married?
@@dantoinettem6825 No that's different, if my family wasn't okay with my wife, for no good reason, they'd have to get out of my life. You don't change who you love or who you are committed to because your family are lunatics. It's one thing if they have legitimate concerns and are trying to raise them to you, it's entirely another if they are just mean bullies towards your significant other, and being nosey, prying, manipulators. My cousin got impulse married to a girl from his home down while he was on leave in the army, ended up moving her to a house on base while he was deployed. His mother moved down there to the house because she didn't think the new wife was taking good enough care of her son....just really intrusive. We know she was working on him to divorce her almost from the start. As it turned out he was probably better off getting out of the marriage, but nobody knew that until later on, the mother was already dead set against her before there was any reason to be.
What matters in a marriage most is the two people in it. If he isn't taking his family's side, why would she turn her back on him? It isn't his fault at that point. People don't get to pick their birth family.
@@hzuiel it's not different. Who wants to spend their lives fighting with people over nothing and possibly still end up separated behind it?
dave slowly turning into a therapist
Slowly
Not a good one though.
He understands money... If he was a therapist that uses his beliefs he'd loose his license were I live.
I commented on this saying he is Dr. Phil without the drama.
@@carpediem4091 because you tolerate everything except real tolerance right?
@@isaiah92 how does that make any sense?
You can't be a good therapist when you use dogmas and non scientific proven facts.
Therapy isn't talking to your priest, mother, father, good friend, wtv. It has scientific research and counselling has nothing to do with giving advise that you think is right without scientific basis. Therefore anyone using religious stuff would be banned from pratice.
You can believe in wathever you want, in your private life, doesn't matter what. But religion isn't science.
I remember my ex mother-in-law (who always ''borrowed'' money from me and never giving it back) threatening me to never talk to me again if I didn't give her more money. I used to feel intimidated by her son's reaction if I said no but in that moment I had had enough and felt I was truly done. I replied with one word that finally set the motions to break that marriage: ''Promise?'' 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Gotta love people who think it's a threat to not talk to you anymore. Do they really think you want to listen to them? 😂
In my opinion, even if they were married, the other family really doesn't have any right to pry as much as they're doing. Now it boils down to if that is what she wants to marry into. A frustrating situation.
EXACTLY. IF they were married AND constantly asking his family for money, then that would be a different story. The minute you start asking for help to pay your bills, that's the minute you give people the right to ask about your your financial information.
@@notmebutyou8350 Right, because you want to know if you're helping or enabling. Especially, if you have family members who have histories of bad spending. I wouldn't loan my parents or my brother money before knowing their financial situation because I know they have bad spending habits.
Even less IMO
@@TheRisky9Casey sounds like a typical STUPID FEMALE.She comes off as a giggly nitwit(what the hell is funny). She likes to run her mouth that's why she's asking such a stupid question.The answer is No none of your f....g business! If necessary,she needs to sound off like she's got a pair and SCREAM like a lunatic , shouting these creeps down.
Dave says he’s not equipped to handle the problem then immediately nails it.
12,000 for Disney ?!?!?
1. She doesn’t like you
2. She doesn’t like that you don’t want to do what she wants to do
3. She’s asking for your finances because
A. She thinks you must be spending all of your boyfriends money or
B. To fire her argument that you have the money , but , your not willing to spend it on his family’s vacation.
12k for any vacation is crazy! Ha
Or 3C: you dont have the money and are dragging the guy down with that, convince him to leaver her.
Theres no way she can win
@@luisbarrientos9665 Also, she's in grad school. It's not like she's making much money right now.
@ad izzle , She said the price was just for the two of them, not the entire family. And when she budgeted it herself, I think she got it down to $1,500 (if I remember correctly). Anyway, when you have so much debt, the alternative is to not go on vacation at all (unless it's in the city next door). You can't let your relatives dictate those choices for you.
Luis Barrientos especially to Disney! $1,500 seems more reasonable.
This is really weird. I'm from a family that doesn't share finances either, but my husband's mother's side is over-sharers. She sat me down when we got engaged and went over his debt item by item with me so I would be prepared and asked me to do the same with him about my debt. She never asked about my debt. I really appreciated that, but there was no prying at all into my finances. Of course she knew my debt was about 1/4 of his, so it felt like she was concerned more about me knowing. We were young (19 and 21 when engaged) and she was his financial advisor at the time and had his permission to go over it with me. I couldn't imagine this situation where they pry into your finances in your mid-thirties as if you haven't been doing this for 15 years! I hope all works out great for you both.
They are not speaking to either of you. Problem solved.
Phone calls like these make me so happy my husband hasn't spoken to his mother in 10 years, because she's the exact type who violates boundaries and then punishes you if you don't allow it. I don't allow it, and her punishment was to disown her own son. It's not quite the punishment she believes it to be. We're both pretty content about it.
Understood. However, there will be deep pain and regret for your husband when his mother dies. He should try to forgive and make amends while he can.
@@rc0334 No, she's an abusive parent who has now driven all 3 of her children away, as well as 2 sisters and her own parents. She's also disowned her own grandchildren. She disowned them out of spite because her son and his wife bought a dog, when she didn't think they should get one yet. They live in their own home, have their own jobs and have 2 children that she refuses to ever call her grandchildren because they got a dog. You can't make amends with that type of person.
@@pheenobarbidoll2016 Wow......that's just crazy town! That woman is off her rocker.
@@TheSoulCrisis yep
@@pheenobarbidoll2016 She can’t be bargained with……..she can’t be reasoned with…….or feel pity or remorse!” xD
That’s a line from one of my favorite sci-fi movies aka Terminator hehe.
What a fun family. I would think twice about marrying into that family.
I used to say "If I come to you asking for money , you can ask me about how I spend my money !"
Agreed. My wife's mother and sister are VERY financially irresponsible and her mother is constantly giving money that she doesn't have to her sister. My wife will get very angry and want to call her mother and chew her out for continuing to enable her sister but I tell my wife all of the time that it isn't her business UNTIL her mother calls and asks US for money. Then it's all on the table.
I would rethink marrying into power struggles. Can you imagine bringing kids into the picture?
Wow. Very true
@RichardBodeker i wonder if he eould stand with his wife? Doesn't sound like he has taken action.
Yeah, change your “not until I graduate” marriage clause to “not until you tell your crazy family to stay out of our business and make it stick” clause. Otherwise you’re just walking down an aisle towards lifelong hassles there my dear. Unless they’re paying the bill for it, NO ONE needs to know your financial situation, period.
Dave, I’d like to take a moment for all the wisdom you have shared through your books and videos, I’ve been following the baby steps and I just paid off all my debts just yesterday, I’m a 25 years old teacher from Dominican Republic and thanks to you and your program... I’m debt free and on my way to increase my emergency fund. Best regards.
Dioscaris Sierra de lo mio! Congrats on being debt free.
Congratulations! Keep up the good work. It's worth it.
Good job!!!
here how this work, the guy you going to marry, he has the right to know your finances, his family do not.
the only way his family has a right to know your finances, if you are trying to borrow money form them.
NO If you are asking me for money, I have the right to ask you were your money going, dont like it, dont take my money.
ps I not talking about if you need a 100 till Friday, I talking about a lot of money.
"Hey sis...BACK OFF!"
"Now they aren't talking to us."
Problem solved ☺
This is a mess. Boundry issues, excessive disney trip, not even married but playing house.
Ya'll need to get detective pikachu figure to shift thru all this.🧐
Pika pika CHUUUUUUUUU! Bounda Bounda RIIIEEEEEEEEESSSSS!
Her family probably thinks she's milking him for financial support
If the caller is telling the full story, her fiance's family is stepping WAY out of line
Your assuming the woman is telling the whole story
i find people often leave out minimize what they have done when telling "their side"..
My sis whould push me to know what kind of DEBT i might be marrying into. If she hasn't been open with him about her finances before getting married, well maybe sis has some concern.
@@bobbarker9556 He didn't assume. He said "if" "then".
@Joe H which is very likely since most women have student debt
@Joe H Maybe they are, but if she's in grad school, her earning potential is ahead of her, and she's probably not making that much money right now. In either case, there are ways to go to Disneyland without spending $12,000 for just two people. The two families could just book different hotels and not partake in all the same activities. And if the family/sister really cared about the guy's finances, they should be happy that his girlfriend doesn't want to spend such an outrageous amount right now .
I think she could be telling the full story. I’ve actually had people get mad at me because I wouldn’t go along with every expensive thing they wanted to do on vacation. Wasn’t trying to stop them from doing anything but some people do like to spend other people’s money. This is totally believable.
I love how Dave always states if you’re living together and not married “ you have a roommate” there is no “we” loooool!
living together before getting married is a good thing to see if you can deal with and put up with each other.
Yepppp... guess my parents (together 30+ years) relationship isn’t valid... because religion
I don't she liked being called a shack-up honey.
@@Angela-lp3lz your parents have just lived together for 30 years?
Hope mom is set up for retirement on her own and vice versa.
@@kaycure8629 in Australia defacto couples are given the same rights as married except for a few niche things relating to e.g. adoption. The main issue is needing to determine whether the relationship counts as defacto. This could be by living together over 2 years or other qualifiers such as children or combined finances but in the case of my parents it is pretty obvious they qualify. But yeah we often warn people here that if they live with their boyfriend/girlfriend for 2 years that person could lay claim to their assets.
Do not give in and tell them anything about your personal finances. It's none of their business.
I also don't think the relationship with the in-laws will get better when/if caller marries the boyfriend. It'll probably get worse.
I see a few comments mentioning his family is probably worried he'll be stuck paying her student loans. Again, it's none of their business. If he wants to marry her, debt and all, that's on him.
Run girl, I should've! Years of misery , even the sister told me my first daughter should be called Sarah. But I am Dutch, pracmatic and blunt, told her to mind her own business. Do it girl! They will get a shock but don't care!
I love Papa Dave’s face when she explained the foolishness. Married or not none of these folks would know whats going on in my household. And absolutely her partner is the one who needs to address his family!
Money, Religion, In-Laws, and Kids. That was the most succinct bit of marriage counseling I've ever even heard of. It's like the 4 pillars that are legs to a nice table. Any of them are out of whack, and you're going to have trouble.
If they are asking these types of questions, it's a serious red flag. Stand your ground or walk away and don't look back.
jamesfl1968 People only ask questions when there’s a red flag that has been risen. Her boyfriend obviously said something to the family and the girlfriend is a control freak
@@allispossible8447 In my experiences in life, in-laws can be complete nut jobs. But maybe we needed to be a fly on the wall to it all.
Dave, thanks for pointing out that they ARE roommates and shacking! I don't know why people don't want to accept this fact when not married!
we would be great shakers --- together ;) mam
@@michaelargenta3856 No
Because people like to pretend because "everybody does it" makes it right.
@@gwenj5419 The lies we tell ourselves 😟
As long as the boyfriend and girlfriend are on the same page then is it really any of their business? 🤷♂️
obviously not... or else the fam wouldn't be asking such detailed question. the bf is obviously oversharing and being a baby
@aught 6 She has some control issues and it is going to be a tough marriage if she doesn't change that.
I said this before. Some people ask stupid questions.🤦🏽♂️
I bet he told his family that his is going to propose to her after she graduates so they want to know what financial situation their son is marrying into.
bingo!
Exactly!
YEP.....
And they just found out shes In debt big time.
Still not their business to ask. If it's anyone's business, it's his.
I was dating a lady who's family did the same thing to me. They hired a private investigator and found nothing to complain about. Needless to say she ended up leaving me apparently for a Lawyer who had deeper pockets then I had at the time.
She may have left you but I think you dodged a bullet. She is not a keeper. Remember: The best revenge is living well.
My grandmother had the best response ever to people that asked intrusive questions. She would look them straight in the eye and ask them "why on earth would you want to know that?" Then that forces them to explain why they're so nosy. Or they back down. Anyways you don't need to answer to them.
Please listen to someone who has been married for 7 years. Toxic family is HORRIBLE to go through in a marriage, especially when children are involved. If your boyfriend doesn't become a man and tell his family to back off, there is no way I would marry that guy. That is a sign of a boy, not a man.
The way he said "sister" lol
My in-laws were the same. They also complained that I was a secretary and had not miraculously turned into a lawyer and that I was not earning enough to keep their son in the manner they wanted him accustomed to and he had to work. I told them that our bills were nothing to do with them.
12k for a Disney vacation?!?! That's ridiculous .
Maybe adding in booze and hookers?
"HIs whole family isn't speaking to us right now." Take that win and enjoy it. Not because you don't wish to speak to them, but because if this is how they insist on behaving, silence is preferable.
THAT'S SO TRUE: People who don't respect boundaries, after you say no and then they yank something away from you. Nope!!--stay away from them. They'll burn you eventually if you just accept their BS. If you have to have some kind of relationship with them, be very distant and guarded. Stick to your guns but no means no. Can also apply to dating, dump them if you are just getting to know someone and all of sudden they're pulling that BS. Friends too if they do that hell no, they got to go too.
"I told him he couldn't propose...'' Lord have mercy.
Harv I know. Dudes are so relationship starved they will put up with anything.
Definitely!
Well, she has a priority of finishing school first. At least she's telling him to hold off on proposing. Because once he proposes, she'll accept, and then they'll feel rushed into setting a date, making wedding plans, etc. She needs to concentrate on her studies right now.
That's a red flag, tbh
@@jennifertackett2241 She already wears the pants in the relationship. 👖
The boyfriend needs to step up and talk to his folks
There are 2 sides to every story. What if this woman caller has a huge education loan debt and the family is concerned that he will be liable for it when they are married and he will still be liable for it should they ever divorce and it is not paid off. Or maybe she is right and they are nosy and have no reason to be.
As of today i am debt free and i have buillt a year emergency fund
Congrats!
I don't have a problem with waiting until she finishes grad school to get engaged. Trying to plan a wedding while going to school would be a nightmare and I bet "sister" will offer up money to control the wedding plans. As far as the family boundary issues, I had a very similar situation with my sister and my mother which ended up with me establishing boundaries that ultimately severed my relationship with that side of the family. Ephesians 5:31- "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh". The boyfriend is going to need to show some strength and establish boundaries before they tie the knot, which it seems he has done.
I got married in the middle of my third year in college. It’s not hard. They’re already living together. Go to the courthouse.
Did she say $12,000 for Disney?! Does she have 12 kids?
Hotel rooms are expensive.
Hotel rooms are expensive but like $12,000 expensive I don't know I have a lot of smaller kids and I never spent close to that amount but I did stay at the resort and maybe that's what they want it's ridiculous they should pay for it instead of asking
I spend 16-18k for 9 days at disney world every year and I have no kids
@@2inchfromtheground Wow I had no idea it was that expensive. I typically spend $1,100-$1,200 for 6 days each time I go to Europe (at least twice a year). I haven't been to Disney since 2012. Luckily my friend worked there any was able to get employee discounts
That is ridiculous and a waste of money.
When the family harasses the girl or guy, it's a subliminal message. The family doesn't like you. This girl is living with her roommate and his family doesn't approve. You know papa dave doesn't
I don’t understand these people that call in, shacking up, and thinking he’s going to ignore it. It’s like they’ve never heard of him before.
He's not ALLOWED to propose to you until you finish grad school?
I don’t believe that that’s her excuse is she tells everybody
I can relate to this so much! We have an emotionally manipulative family member for whom everyone walks on eggshells. It all came to a head over family vacation plans when we said we couldn't afford to do what she wanted. Then everyone turned on us for ruining her plans. Things have not improved much since then, which was over a year ago. I agree with Dave here... This is not about money!
This woman is not telling the whole story. You can tell by her giggle. Also, what trip can you go on for 12k that you could have gone on for 1500? She's not telling the whole thing. And it's goofy to call a financial advisor about whether you should give your boyfriend's mother your light bill.
What a joke reading the comments! Everyone is adding their own imaginary details to this story. It's an interesting situation. Big sis sounds like a big pain, but his whole family not talking to him either? There's definitely something more going on.
This comment section is always like this. People add their own little details.
Bonnie Half-Elven
Well it’s only human of us.. them we might have to think about the nonsense in our own lives. 😂😭😂
Exactly. Caller is prob only telling 1/2 the story
There's three sides to the story. We're only hearing one of the sides.
It's good that they nipped this in the bud right away even if it means his sister isn't speaking to them anymore. She's trying to establish control over them and once they let her do it, she would be in their business for their entire marriage. Who does she think she is anyway??
“How old is..... Sister?” 🤣😂🤣
Basically, they think she's controlling him. I haven't heard of a woman controlling when she's proposed to. Wedding date? Yes. Proposal? No. Also, the we'll only go to Disney if we pay my way. It could just be how she phrases things.
Run girl, run!
The only way that it is okay to ask those questions is if: You are dishing out coin, Contributing, or want to save you money. Other than that, no.
Just give the in-laws some friendly directions. Sounds like someone needs to tell them where to go.
Papa Dave u told her right. She should kick him out. No backbone for a 30 ish grown man.
sounds like this nuptial is off to a spectacular start, as soon as he has her permission to propose.
🤣
The magic words are "none of your business"!
Dave: “Hey sis, BACK OFF!”
Me: 😂 😂😂Dave tripping😂😂😂
This took me out!
Interesting, my bf family is like that. He asked his parents for financial help and they told him, they can't because they want to help him but he's not the only person in the picture.
They even went on by asking him where's the money (exact amount) I had in my savings.
Thought I was the only one in this situation.
that's different...if he's asking for help, he and you can expect a major inquisition into your situation and how it is you need help.....you can either live by their rules or withdraw your request.
"You have a roommate" lol I love how this guy smacks shacking up
Same. And yet couple that’s shack up are always calling in.
It will not change after you're married. Don't let them walk over you.
Maybe sister is being super protective and is trying to make sure this lady is not taking advantage of her brother.
Tell them to bug off, it is not their concern what you make and how you spend it.
I went through similar issues when me and my husband were first together. Dave is right! 100% things changed once we got married. But boundaries are sooooo important in a relationship to set early on and in laws can wreak a great relationship!!
NEVER let in-laws know your finances unless it’s an emergency!! When one spouse acquiesces and lets their family know your finances, the clock starts to a divorce.
PLOT TWIST: What if we just got the perspective from the most evil woman on the face of the earth, and it turns out the family has a right to be concerned........just saying, some things need more info....
Rubbish!!! Believe ALLLLL wahmin;)
Yes she's really evil trying to save her boyfriend $10500, and trying to finish grad school without getting distracted.
Yeah, I hear Ted Bundy was just as frugal......
It didn't sound like Hillary.
Tim Campbell He's your hero.
Boyfriend needs to be the one to tell HIS family to back off. He'd better grow a backbone now.... 33 and 34? Geez.
There's alot more to this that meets the ear
Straight-up say it's none of their business. They don't need to know unless they're offering to pay them.
"We're going to Disney in the fall", boy do I have some news for you
Good advices Dave. Been in that situation and I agree with your points
The answer is to get a new boyfriend
Baby Lucci No!!! The boyfriend needs to run. She sounds like controlling b*tch
@@allispossible8447 What are you talking about?
If he didn't hold a firm line and protect her, i hope she RAN!!!!! This is all on him, hopefully he had the testicular fortitude to take those crazies in hand!
Interesting situation. Good line of questioning Dave. Well done!!!
It's nobody's business except your own
what's wrong with allowing him to propose first and then getting married after grad school? Why is she telling him to not propose until after grad school?
Maybe she wants to focus on school lol
If she wants to leave him for someone else, that would complicate things.
She is controlling
@@marywebb9127 how does wanting to wait equate to controlling?
@@kibret6588 Saying yes to a guy who loves you will slow down your studying? I think she is unsure if she wants to marry him. If she gets a high paying job after school, probably going to try dating again.
Disney vacation? Nah, I'm not a child.
This lady has bigger problems than what she's calling in for!
Run!
Yeah definitely crossing boundaries big time, never ever disclose financial information to anyone except your SO. I don't even share my information with my daughters, it always causes problems, jealously resentment etc.
Get counseling with bf on how to handle his family, good idea.
I told him we can’t get married until I finish racking up debt
Maybe. Maybe her parents are paying because she’s single. We are paying for school but if our kids get married it ends up
"Join us next time on Doctor Phil"
🤣
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Folks that had good upbringing, automatically and intuitively understand and respect boundaries. In my family, my parents and siblings never meddled in my business, nor did I theirs. We all knew reasonable and proper boundaries.
I want to hear the full story behind this $12000 Disney trip. It sounds made up on the callers part.
Tigerkem the sister probably has kids and is wanting to go above and beyond for one of the kids birthday, wanting to get the matching shirt, biggest hotel suite, the meal plan, first class transportation. Sounds like they don’t have kids and aren’t willing on spending $12,000, I wouldn’t want to spend $12,000 at a trip with no kid, not even with kids.
It's likely the family doesn't like her or the shacking up and thinks she's spending all his money and won't marry him.
Great video! Great points on why people fight!
Sounds like they think shes controlling and a gold digger. Same thing happened to me and my husband.
Girl. Run! I have a nagging, jealous old sister in law and it only got worst when we got married and had a child. She is so jealous, it's ridiculous. If your Man isn't strong, grab your stuff and go. Not worth it.