Why Does Sex Drive Decline So Much After Marriage?
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- Опубліковано 23 вер 2024
- Adam Lane Smith discusses with Chris Williamson why sex drive declines after marriage. Why does sex drive decline after getting married according to Adam Lane Smith? What advice does Adam Lane Smith have for married couples that want to have more sex? What is the difference between Male and Female sex drive according to Adam Lane Smith?
#sex #sexdrive #marriage
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Hello you beauties. Watch the full episode with Adam here - ua-cam.com/video/v3BnroTQuOg/v-deo.html
Perfect question at (2:40) and Adam Lane Smiths answer is spot on...
Yo Chris youhave scammer bots on people's messages. You can't even block them now.
Just because the guy doesn't watch podcasts with psychologists in order to read a woman's mind which the girl herself doesn't take the time to understand, doesn't mean she should deny sex to her husband. She certainly can deny him but she does it at her own risk 🤷♂️
Experienced divorce lawyer here. Most divorce clients I see have not been intimate with their spouse for many years prior to filing for divorce. Sad but true.
Please God let the young men know how the game goes so they can protect themselves from the courtroom
Divorced and I I agreed. Sadly, it was 5 years for us because I was so traditional, didn't really believe in divorce but it was the best thing.
@@peacelove7437 I’m going through this right now I don’t believe in divorce but my wife does 😞
At the end of my 19 year marriage the once a month duty sex degraded further and further until we had a 7 month dry spell. We mutually ended the marriage at that point. The point is……NEVER marry
Men are in love
Women are in business
My grandmother gave me the best advice. She said women don’t always want to have sex. And men don’t always want to go to work, and fix things, and tell you that you are beautiful.
Bingo. We all have things we have to do vs want to do in our lives. When women ignore the man's serial needs it breeds resentment. And usually after kids start to take time away from the relationship. I'd venture to say a majority of divorce and infidelity stem from this.
Grandma wasn't very smart. Women control scx.
@@nicholasbaker2904It's not a need, it's a want.
Does grandma think that forcing yourself to have sex when you don’t want just to please your man is something sustainable in the long run? It’s a lose-lose situation for the woman which will lower her sex drive even more. It’s like forcing yourself to eat something you’re not hungry for day after day. That’s never going to make you crave that food!
@@nicholasbaker2904Divorce and infidelity stem from a male lack of impulse control.
I was in a 10 year long relationship before I met my wife. In that relationship, we lost a lot of our sex drive after maybe 2-3 years. With my wife, after 7 years it’s just as strong now as in the beginning. Sexual chemistry is an integral part of a long relationship and we need to know ourselves and our partners well enough to get an accurate read on that.
Agreed!!
Why'd you stay in that relationship for 10 years?
@@scholaroftheworldalternatehist I'm an idiot mostly. I loved her and she loved me but our vision of the future began to diverge significantly. And we didn't have the sexual chemistry as I slowly realized.
@@scholaroftheworldalternatehistyah
Amen
My husband and I don’t have this problem. Honestly, it gets better not worse. You have more trust and you can be more vulnerable and open about what you want. I was careful to pick someone I was very attracted to. I made that mistake in my first marriage, which lasted about a year. We have been married for 12 years now.
Right but this is the problem at large now... most women are NOT attracted to MOST men... data on this has been available for a few years. Something like only 5% of men are attractive to women and 50% of women are attractive to men.
Thanks for mentioning this. I too was married once, but we both settled for what we didn't want and it rightly ended. But I have several friends who are happily married and still attracted to each other and have said that the sex only gets better in a healthy relationship and frequency is not an issue.
you are saying that you are giving him sex. they are not all like you.
Great to hear. All the best
imagine marryin a whole man ur not into wtf
I think small resentment starts to build and it's so hard to go back to what it was. It almost becomes awkward to be intimate, eventually it just becomes the norm to not be intimate. That is what I have experienced and seen.
Most marriages are platonic.
Yep...I used to fight about it then just gave up. Easier to take care of it myself...
@@ericu1196 do what’s best for you in order to be the best person. You have to be selfish in order to be unselfish. A better you is a better parent, person, etc..
@@ericu1196I hope what you mean by taking care of it yourself was having sex with other women, if your wife won’t have sex with you then she has can’t be mad if you look somewhere else…
Man a therapist that actually listens and tells his patients what to do to help fix the underlying issues. Who would have thought that talking it out and putting words into action would have positive results?
Most common thing I feel is both sides tend to just give up. The chase is over, the commitment is confirmed, the work begins. So when it comes to downtime, there is no anticipation or randomness to the moment, just predictable everyday time spent at home, both go to bed and if nobody makes any attempt (and most would rather just sleep because tired & work worries) nothing happens. It's also why affairs and fap materials are so common, they are unpredictable, varied and exciting, mentally stimulating fantasy and drama. Being a couple is hard familiar work but the human mind loves distraction and novelty. You gotta try new things to keep each other interesting.
But who wants to fkin _chase_ forever.
It's like waking up and being fake, sure you can fake being something you're not, but eventually that shit becomes tiresome and burdensome psychologically.
We need to supplant this with tech, and we need to hurry up with it tbh, playing gender dynamics in affluent modern times with females just isn't worth the effort.
I'd say that your explanation is pretty accurate for many couples
They're bored of each other basically. The honeymoon phase is over and the sexual attraction becomes forced. It becomes a chore. Like doing dishes.
I’ve been with my partner 5 years and the intimacy stopped at 2 years in
He’s is a massive “fapper” his excuse being it’s easier and convenient. We are starting to see a couples therapist this week cos we both deeply love each other and don’t want anyone else
@@JasKhalid He'd rather jerk off than f you? 😬
I find it interesting how the couples come to therapy looking to solve the sex drive issue but really the issue is the quality of their relationship itself, and the lack of sex is just a symptom of the larger underlying problem that needs working on
Exactly. That’s the only reason. No sex = a bad relationship. Work on that first 😊
Bullshit. Some people definitely do have shit sex drives and they're almost always women. Women say shit like this where if a man checks their endless list of boxes then finally they'll be turned on. It's really stupid.
Yep! You understood the mission. Well said!
absolutely
There's actually a lot of evidence that that isn't true. I have heard countless stories about the therapist saying this stupid shit but guess what? The wife still doesn't want sex. Sex problems are their own problem they are not a symptom of a problem and thinking that improving emotional connection will help is just wishful thinking. I think this is because the idea confirms what we want to think about women, which is sex is all about emotional closeness, and cute loveable couples.
As a woman ages her hormones shift. It's called Perimenopause it's about 10 years before menopause. During that time period that is completely scientifically underfunded and unbelievably neglected her hormones shift and so does everything else. A large portion of women develop Fibriods dryness and other symptoms to be completely brushed off by their doctors as "part of life". That 100% affects sex drive. This actually happened to me and I was told to grin and bear it. Now i'm getting an emergency hysterectomy. Within the next decade, this conversation will change dramatically because it's much more than what most are thinking. A very large portion of women develop truly unbearable personality and side effects from late 30's to mid 50's. Fix this you will fix a lot and I bet divorce rates even drop. I had no idea how bad womens health was. To even get a doctor to test your hormones is nearly impossible.
Seriously. You also have the poorly executed hormone replacement study that is always cited as a reason to not give women hormones. Of course if you did such a terrible hormone replacement therapy you'd increase cancer rates.
We also don't have a single testosterone that can be prescribed to women not off label. So the dosing is much harder unless you can get it compounded. The way women's hormones are handled in this country is borderline criminal to me and I'm a man.
Men's health are the worst. Give me a break. You guys getting ED in the early 30s. Beer belly, overweight, diabetes, unfit, etc...
@@joerapo I am going through this myself and since my husband is a doctor he's aghast at what's happening to me so I put my head down and looked at divorce rates. There's definitely something here. This must be looked at. People deserve to have not only great sex life but also an emotional connection. That connection gets frayed starting in your 40's because progesterone starts dropping phase 1 then estrogen in phase 2. We must do better for both men and women.
That's terrible smh
There's a drug that makes women horny. Ya'll should take it
BS, there's many scenarios. Children, Businesses, stresses, mental health, issues, mood swings, menstrual cycle, exhaustion, life..... It's draining and at times almost impossible for women think about sex with all those issues and for men to try and wade through the list of problems. This is why men look for options or just don't bother.
No Excuses! 💯
No Excuses! 💯
This is why men in other countries have multiple wives, well partly.
The thing is men should lighten the load of the woman. Coddling men gives them too much free time which they use to self destruct themselves.
@@iveyhealth2266 most cultures which implement polygamy for males as the norm are unstable. It has always produced the weakest men in history.
@manifest2203
Well, I live in the U.S. and it's very, very unstable.. no polygamy. 🤷🏽♂️
To more I listen to these relationship problems beeing discussed, the more I think of me and my wife as weirdos. We met each others 17 years ago and the sex got so much better with time. Its true, having kids now allows less time for making love, but when we do make it, its always cloud9.
That’s how it should be. All these ppl with awful marriages are obviously just doing it all wrong. Congrats to you and your wife. It sounds like mutual respect, love, and communication has done wonders for you.
You must be treating her well. Good for you both 👏
That's so cool!
You're not weirdos, doing things right just comes more naturally to you. That's a good thing!
That's normal. In a healthy marriage, sex becomes better with time.
It doesn't get worse
Because majority of people pick the wrong partner. So simple but also true.
Our spouses are anything but the "right" people for us. It was just serendipity and happenstance that brought people together. "I met her at the frisbee meetup" blah blah blah.
There is no such thing as the perfect “right” partner
This is unfortunately true. People usually choose partners because they are just there tbh
@@Argonhubert But there definitely is such a thing as a wrong partner.
This is horrible advice. It’s going to be work no matter what
I think some women with higher testosterone levels bond like men. I love building things with my husband, doing physical labor on our property, adventuring like fishing, camping, etc. That's when I feel most bonded & attracted to him. When we experience things together, especially new things.
You sound like a cool couple ❤
I think most women like to have experiences with their partners. You seem to enjoy the same activities as he does and this makes it easier to bond as he doesn't have to make effort to enjoy things he doesn't like to do and neither do you.
That's still sharing experiences and spending time which is what women generally want
We don't need any words from flirting to sex. Relationships fail because one or both lose their attention to each other.
For me, it was bc my testosterone levels began to tank before having our son then cratered to below 3. I also began to gain weight despite weight training 4x per week and monitoring/reducing caloric intake. Despite daily communication and date nights and increasing touching/flirting with my husband. When I was supplemented with testosterone, all of that went away. I had more energy and actually slept better. Interestingly, it gave me insight into the surge of sex drive that most men go through, something I didn’t understand and would never understand when my Test was at “normal” levels way before were married. I propose this crater in my testosterone could be tied to long-term (10-12 years) birth control pill usage.
Yea I always wonder how using the pill affects your sex drive long term,because in some way it must do since it affects your hormones, I hope more research goes into directly monitoring these things with large control groups because it can’t just be me who thinks there’s probably long term side effects that we the public aren’t aware of.
@@LD-bj4xcI couldn't take the pill bec once I did I had no need for it!
Whats normal for male testosterone has been lowered as the average man's has lowered. Doesn't seem right. Easy way to not deal with a problem.
That is why women in their 40-50s have higher sex drive when peri and menopause happen. Women have high testosterene levels but estrogen and progesterone tempers it in reproductive years. As the estrogen reduces in peri and menopause the testosterone remains the same, women desire more sex but ususally their long term husband cannot satify her because his sex drive has deminished with his testosterone production. Hense many women seek a younger man just for sex for the short term.
@@LD-bj4xc just like these artificial testosterone for men, what is that actually going to do. Nature knows what it is doing. The research into how Pthalates has affected the reproductive hormones is shocking. And pthalates are everywhere
Sex drive doesn’t decline. Attraction for your partner does.
Sex drive declines as a result
Sex is a reward system, not a drive.
One of the most obvious reason why 50%+ of monogamous LTRs fail.
Some Married people actually say it gets better and better. It depends on each individual if two people talk to each it can stay fun for the both of them not just one or the other.
It on my gets better of the woman is actually horny.
I give my wife lots of bonding and she loves it lol. No for real, for sex in our marriage, we've come to the conclusion that I can't ask or hint or anything, nor can I wait for her to start or "be ready". I just initiate, and she'll follow. But, we also spend a lot of time together and talk a lot whenever we're around each other and not busy, which makes it even easier to initiate.
Does she ever initiate?
@@treacherousjslither6920why does that matter?
@@tianamarie989 Just wanted to know if she ever actually showed sexual interest in him or is it always or primarily one sided.
If I were with someone who never initiated intimacy, it would lead me to think that they're not really attracted to me and are just putting up with my advances in order to keep the relationship going.
@@treacherousjslither6920A valid point.
@@treacherousjslither6920 then you don’t understand women. I’ve been in a 9 year relationship and we have sex almost every day. I almost never initiate but I’m almost always down. Women’s arousal is much more responsive than men’s. Read up on it.
I can't even articulate how much sense this one video made to me!
Without going into the nitty gritty of the bedroom manoeuvres....
7 years into our marriage and it's got better and better and better.
We take care of our appearance and our self's very well.
We eat well and generally take care of each other. Sex has become part of our union and has made a stronger unit.
Maybe these guys need a wife like mine but I fear they would be rather tired..
How often are you guys practicing your bedroom maneuvers, so to speak?
Yeah I was gonna say... Not having sex after getting married? sounds like a personal problem.
Genuinely curious, how is your wife as a person?
@@shmoo1000Most weeks it's 4 to 5 or more depending on the weekend.
@wordsmith4305 to late for kids but I've inherited 9 grand kids.
I'm guessing multiple factors:
- After a while in a relationship you settle into a routine and start taking your partner for granted, which saps the excitement out of it
- You may get bored of having sex with the same partner and crave variety
- People tend to have children when they're married, and children basically nuke your sex life by exhausting you and constantly interrupting your private moments
Birthing is so painful and changes her body too. Also with sex, women get YIs more often, which is also very painful. That pain imprints subliminally in the mind, so women will be less interested in sex. In the west women health is not advanced, I'd say it is actually declining, so this healthcare information is not being provided to girls and women at all. They just focus on birth, not the girl or female. If men got kidney stones from sex, their sex drive would drop fast too.
- After a while in a relationship you settle into a routine and start taking your partner for granted, which saps the excitement out of it - WHY MONOGAMY DOES NOT WORK
- You may get bored of having sex with the same partner and crave variety - WHY MONOGAMY DOES NOT WORK
- People tend to have children when they're married, and children basically nuke your sex life by exhausting you and constantly interrupting your private moments - IT'S NOT THE FAULT OF THE INNOCENT CHILDREN, THEY COULDN'T HELP BEING BROUGHT INTO THIS LIFE. THE PARENTS MADE THE DECISION TO HAVE THEM AND THEY ARE IRRESPONSIBLE AS PARENTS IF THEY CANNOT PUT THEIR KIDS AS THEIR PRIORITY. IF THEIR SEX LIVES SUFFER, THEN THEY SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE HAVING KIDS. YOU WANT UNINTERRUPTED, RANDOM, NASTY SEX, DON'T HAVE KIDS.
@@GENERALMGR lmao dude you are preaching to the choir I am in an open relationship and we plan on not having kids
I'm sure it'll come off as old fashioned, but there's always holding off until marriage too. Perhaps that just puts off this issue for the first year, but the emotional bond is certain to be stronger as well.
That is not a suggestion. I’m pretty sure that is the rule.
That should be.....but it won't.
On that very path for 1.5 years now.
Problem is that some people are just sexually incompatible, wanting completely different stuff in bed, and finding that out before marriage is good. So, in some instances, waiting until marriage, might actually cause the marriage to end.
@@TheSaiyanKing sx before marriage is very natural for the human animal. G-d wants us to avoid our human animalistic instincts for a more enlightened spiritual existence. Only then will be truly fulfilling. It is so simple. But we make it complicated.
"I say to him; do this, do this, do this."
After he gets home from work being told; do this, do this, do this.
And this guy wonders why.
Exactly lmao, "do more shit"
Ok at what point do I get to stop _doing_ shit for some shit I'm already supposed to get?
Do I keep increasing the amount of shit to do?
How long? Until I'm dead? lmao
Females are children and you've got to be a got damn Ipad with a metric fuck ton of 'content' just to get sex from a female that's _obligated_ to do that anyway. Who has time to be a court jester for the rest of their lives.🙄
But if he asks her one thing it causes irreparable harm to the marriage and she starts googling "is my husband a narcissist?"
So as per usual, there is a list "to Do" for women, and as a man, we have to take it :)
Or not..
1 in 3 men haven't had sex in 12 or more months and men are the loneliest they've ever been.
Women are simply not making world news with our sexlessness and lonliness..
We couldn't care any less.
@@happyhoochie That isn't it. You're all b@nging the top 10%.
@@M0viLoverthat's the way it is. No need to shoot the messenger. Women are the gatekeepers. Women can get as much or as little sex as they want, whenever they want.
So if you're a straight hungry male, you gotta play by her rules or give up on the Game.
@happyhoochie9077
Not getting laid is a problem? How do you equate that with loneliness?
Having sex will still leave you lonely.
No surprise you people are having these issues.
Is that so different from our needing to be attracted to her?
I think a lot of it has to with rushing in to things, and being emotionally incompatible. As well, especially in America, people get comfortable and let themselves go physically. We have garage diets here, and it's easy to fall in to that trap, causing partners to lose attraction to each other.
Good point. It's similar in Indian culture people think if you don't put on the pounds after marriage your wife isn't feeding you lol. 😅
Distractions---Stress, children, endless demands, unresolved conflict/anger, unmet needs.
Sex once a year for the past 4 years. I don’t find him attractive anymore because of it. A man who doesn’t find me worthy of having sex with isn’t a turn on.
maybe talk with him about it
did you get fat?
@@OldSchoolStrength 5’7” 145lbs. 3 kids. 🤷🏼♀️
my previous comment got deleted, but theres a lot of peer reviewed studies that show there is a statistically significant direct negative correlation with length of relationship and a womens sex drive. with men there is no decline in sex drive when compared to length of relationship. in the studies they controlled for relationship satisfaction and sexual satisfaction, and in all cases the same results emerged.
Cool, but what are the causes?
I ti well knows men and women are different, your findings mean shit if they don't have a researched source.
When a woman loses respect for a man, she also loses sexual desires for him.
For example; being a fat slob after years together could be a reason, not helping out, if she feels the husband is another child she has to care for, etc.
For example when I was married; my husband would leave trash everywhere he was dirty, disgusting. One time he watched me put together a book shelf. I struggled but I did it. But lost respect for his ass. Asked for a divorce not long after and been happy ever since.
Obviously it was deeper than not helping me with the book shelf. It was him disrespecting me. He would have never done that with a new girlfriend so it's about not putting any effort in the marriage. He gave up and so did I.
Wanted me back though but much too late.
@@peacelove7437 as the study describes, women's sexual desire decreased over time regardless of the quality of their relationship.
@@craptor1234that’s not that surprising. A woman’s hormonal system changes a lot throughout her life, with or without kids. It really does effect women a-lot.
@cosmo588, then women need to take responsibility and fix themselves
I had a gf with the anxious attachment style. I would talk to her constantly about what gets her off and what she wanted ( me being goal oriented lol) and she just shrugged it off. She was incredibly insecure (no eye contact, i couldnt look at her body, lights off etc) and was in her head most of the time. Because of this, i felt like she was never comfortable enough to have an orgasm and just focused on trying to please me instead. Which is great, but thats easy. I wanted her to have just as much a good time as me.
She sounds like a headache smh
Sounds familiar
@treacherousjslither6920 she sounds like someone who has had a life filled with negative views pointed in her direction. Kind of like your comment here. I think it's amazing that op went above and beyond for her, although it didn't work isn't his fault, she probably needs to see a therapist.
Lots of women ar like this. I think my wife is one of them. Insecure about herself and never took the time to explore herself. She gets really anxious and even pissed when I talk to her about sex. Which sucks because in previous relationships I could talk about it all the time and it was fun.
@@smokingcrab2290the good point u made was her not exploring herself which is so important! If u don’t know ur own body as a woman how can u feel comfortable with a man exploring ur body ? And how can u introduce new things Vice versa .. shoot knowing my body helped me allow myself to feel safe with my fiancé to explore it totally….
For a lot of men, variety of women is a big part of drive.
This sounds like it applies for the first decade, maybe 20 years. Then medical issues come into play. If you're not communicating about that, be prepared to have less and less sex. There are more and "less expensive" ways to still have sex as you get older than a decade or more ago. But if there is no discussion as to >why< sex has dropped off the cliff and find solutions, then that is unfortunate. If both parties are too embarrassed or are too afraid (for different perceived reasons) to learn the "why", the result will probably be a lessening of closeness in the relationship. Making emotional connections will be harder. Marriages can still survive, but to lose that intimacy and live without sex for decades is sad.
I'm getting married this Saturday and this is the advice that a man in my position really needs.
Advice from this guest speaker is wrong because it blames the man for the loss of woman's sex drive. Woman loses sexual attraction for her man once she feels she owns him 100%. She needs to feel challenge, anxiety, uncertainty, and fear to be able to stay attracted. If her husband makes her realize that she can be replaced by him (a high-value man who can still attract her replacement), her sexual attraction for him will go through the roof. That is because of the introduction of anxiety, uncertainty, and fear.
Do not listen to the looser who told you you should make your wife anxious for her to have sex with you. Be playful, be flirty, keep surprising her with dates, act like a partner not a child, and she'll want you as her lover for as long as possible.
@rayrwyr is one of these loser dudes who have no emotional intelligence so the only way they can get sex is in a ''transactional way" where they abuse codependent women. The sex he's had had no female desire in it and there nothing "high value" about abusing your partner.
@@rayrwyrThat just sounds exhausting.
@@alyssawoodman Exactly, that's why no LTR, no cohabitation and NO MARRIAGE
@@rayrwyrthat’s not fresh and fit, mate
It's not just marriage. Women get sexually bored within a year of living together.
Chris needs to talk to Esther Perel and Emily Nagoski about this.
Personally I’ve never experienced this. All my long term relationships the girls get more and more sexual and I’m the one who is constantly saying I’m not in the mood. It’s all anecdotal man I think it can be different for everyone
Nah, women get sexually bored if you treat them like mom and stop emotionally investing or flirting.
@@slickdanger_ You're the outlier here. Search: "Women get bored of sex faster than men" and see what comes up.
I left a link, but the post got deleted.
@@slickdanger_ Yes, but these ladies are probably trying to lock you in for marriage.
@@cevanille1104 But who tf wants to be juggling flaming chainsaws for sex for the rest of their lives like some fkin court jester just so a female can do some shit she should be doing anyway?
Shit's exhausting, I'd rather just cheat or leave you at that point, especially because females are _passive_ in damn near everything they do.
Never had this problem. Even until we divorced it was always good. Finances, raising kids OTOH....
I was married and it was horrible. The sex dropped off within the first year. I tried a few girlfriends after and even lived with one for a few months. My conclusion is if I allow her to live with me the mindset changes. The absolute death nail is when she has kids. By keeping my residence separate, she is still in girlfriend mode and the sex stays strong.
This. Women lure men in with sex then they taper it off once commitment happens. And yes I'm married with children I got a 9 month old son and sex is like catching the wind. It only happens when she wants and she gets pissed if I even talk about it.
@@smokingcrab2290damn, like catching flies with honey. Another fallen soldier.
@@smokingcrab2290because she’s gotten the investment from you. Only a matter of time before she claims she’s not happy. The marriage wheel will come for you
@@smokingcrab2290 If you guys have a nine month old and she does the majority of things around the house she probably feels like catering to you it’s just another chore. I would try anticipating her needs more ! Thoughtful gestures around the house. Ordering food once in a while feels like a break from the expectation of a making a meal. Making time for her to do things for herself like a long shower to shave her legs or pay for a pedicure. She’ll feel more confident and want to entice you. Or buy her something sexy that you want to see her in !
@unc1221 😀 this shouldn't have made me laugh.
He could not be more wrong, it has nothing to do with that. It has to do with leverage biology and having a mission accomplished. It sounds awful to put it in these terms but the reality of the matter is that once you are married and/or have a child both people in the relationship have accomplished their mission. She has no reason to offer sex because frankly sex is a bargaining chip, as much as people hate to admit it. At a basic level, aside from any romantic pretensions women get provision, care and support because they are hot, fertile, good partners and give sex; men get sex because they reciprocate with devotion of resources and emotional attachment to a partner. It also has a lot to do with novelty and whether or not the woman is pregnant. The body has the intuition that if it's not pregnant with the same man over a period of time it has to keep searching for another potential male because it's a waste. There's a reason why when a woman is in her fertile stages she finds other men outside of her main relationship attractive. I really don't like putting it on these terms, it kills the romanticism we all love, but at a core level everything is much better explained in pragmatic terms.
Almost all hetero male/female relationships at least at some level involve the exchange of resources and security for sex. Whether it's a girlfriend, a wife, a model, an escort, a SB or a holly wood actress there is almost always a transaction. The difference between those relationships is how much she cares about you and how she sees you beyond just the resources. The best way to generate interest, in my opinion, is to BE interesting; show, don't tell. And what is interesting for a man to be? To be desirable to other people (ie:women). Women know that sex is a retention strategy whether consciously or not; this video has it backwards. Women will often give you sex when you become desirable and/or risk losing you to competing partners.
It's almost as if using artificial methods of birth control to prevent pregnancy destroys sex drive and relationships...
this guest speaker gives off "cuck" vibes tbh. The type of guy that says "If my woman cheats on me, it's because I was not being a good enough man. I deserved it. I should do better."
Well said. Rings true. Reality is harsh.
Shows how fragile and insecure women are 😢
@@yofinance1777 It's not so much fragility or insecurity that sex drive drops in modern times. It's the ARTIFICIAL constraints put on a woman's fertility, generally SHE is the one who put the constraints on HERSELF.
Women now CHOOSE to prevent pregnancy through (mainly) chemical birth control. The BC not only DIRECTLY affects them mentally through MASSIVE, unnatural hormonal shifts, but prevents pregnancy, which in turn triggers the "Need a New Mate" response the original poster described. She's not getting pregnant, but she (unknowingly and incorrectly) assumes that the MAN is the problem.
We're finding out that hormonal BC has FAR reaching effects that cascade down through a LOT of facets of life. It's likely one of the major causes (directly and indirectly) of depression in women over the last few decades. My own wife's personality shifted a LOT when we started trying to have our first kid. I would never want her to go back on BC and she agrees.
Mine died after having my kids, a little bit after the first one, gone after the second one. Youngest is 5 and I haven’t had interest since the night she was conceived.
So your husband is miserable/having an affair or has already left?
@@damo9961 I’m the husband, nobody is having an affair, wife is in the same boat, we find the time every now and then, but otherwise we are busy with kids, or looking after the house. Things might change once our kids become teenagers and less demand on us. No one is miserable, we have 2 high achieving girls.
She eventually figures out that’s the #1 thing you value. We value the whole relationship and when it isn’t reciprocated, we withdraw and THIS kills any desire whatsoever.
You’re not changing what men value any more than men can change what you value.
I think it’s absurd that women value height and income highly, but I’m not wasting time lamenting it or trying to convince them they’re wrong.
If you can’t accept and meet men where they are on their small list of desires, I’d suggest dating women or getting cats.
The male sex drive built the entire planet. Without it, we’d be in mud huts.
@@Evil-Rod-Farva 😂✊🏽🤷🏽♀️
@@Evil-Rod-Farva keep it real
To say that is the #1 thing that men desire would be like saying women value status and resources as number one... It is an important aspect of what attracts women to men just like sexual attraction to a woman he desires is an important aspect for a man and that is why many women use depriving physical intimacy so as to coerce a man that she wants to do what she wants... the equivalent would be a man luring a woman using his annual income of say 90k only to *willfully* cut his income to 60k explaining that the 90k was achieved by working 80 hours a week, doing private giga and business ventures on the side plus creating and cultivating business contacts which was a full time activity and exhaustimg but since he has secured the woman of his dreams there is no need to maintain the same income or status that he used to secure her.
@@Evil-Rod-Farva Oh, I forgot, ONLY men work, produce and create. F.O.
What a brilliant guest.
You always have to continue to play the roles when you were dating, even in marriage. It makes a lot of sense to me. Why put a lot of effort in dating but then stop when you are married?
Why put in a lot of effort _forever_ though.
At some point, where is her _obligation_ ? Why do men have to play court jester forever just to get sex, shits ridiculous.
@@DTreatzThere's the problem. You think you're only supposed to be nice to her to get sex from her. It's supposed to be a partnership and friendship. That means working as a team and being nice to each other. That naturally fuels attraction which leads to regular intimacy. It's a relationship. Not a payout.
The men are required to put all the effort in after marriage. Women are allowed to make all the excuses as to why they shouldn't have to put in any.
@SENSEF, if the man can't get sex when he needs the why should the woman get anything from the man? Women don't feel the need to be nice to men all the time. Men deal with a ton of disrespect from women in marriage. You say it's a friendship and a partnership, women don't always treat it this way. You also fail to understand that sexual connection is incredibly intimate and fosters deep emotional connection. What's wrong with that?
@@DTreatzno one is obligated to give another person sex, married or not. Sex should happen between two people who genuinely WANT to have sex with each other. Anything else is rape/coercion.
I completely disagree that it’s just men’s faults “for not doing everything”. Trying to manage a wife’s expectations of what she needs emotionally is exhausting. It can also make you feel disrespected. Like I’ve done these 10-15 things for you and then… only then do I get a prize out of the machine that feels completely inorganic.
Because the trap worked.
best comment
😂😂😂 it's the other way around for me !!
😂😂😂😂
@@bionicnichola9251 Sorry to hear that.
But I think we can all admit that it working in that "direction" is not the "norm" on this subject.
@@DeadlyPlatypus Don’t apologize to or even acknowledge a female troll like that. She’s a liar and is looking for attention. You’re a beta and a simp for falling for it. Move along.
In modern day society, with both husband and wife working full time busy on the go, so often the husband and wife become house mates just sharing a busy schedule together, and many women play a much more masculine role now in the office and trying to compete with men and many men today are more feminine, (trying to become best friends with their wife) and then they wonder why their wife no longer desires them.
My boyfriend looks extremely manly with very masculine facial features and 6"4 and does bodybuilding.
But he is very femine in behaviour like very caring for my physical needs like making hot chocolate after a walk in the winter or massaging me feet after a night out together in high Heels.
THAT'S what makes him extremely attractive to me.
He also has great selfcare when it comes to using facial masks, serums and cremes and he always smells good.
Looking after yourself and eating healthy and staying physically fit prevents from always being tired.
If you sit on your ass day in day out and wat JunkFood you of course are always tired, physically and mentally.
@@CordeliaWagner damn! Where did you find him.?
I want a fit healthy man, not body builder muscular though, could even have a dad bod but with some muscles. 😉
even as a man, being drained emotionally and physically kills any desire for sex. The problem is when women are rejected for sex, they do not take it well.
@@peacelove7437Here I am baby! ❤
Just kidding I look terrible haha
@@CordeliaWagneryou are literally speaking about the exception to the rule. He is 6’4 and built like a bodybuilder, he could act any way he wanted and have multiple women chasing him.
Most men are not gonna be able to become 6’4 and built like a bodybuilder. However, I do agree every man should workout and start a skin care routine. It makes a massive difference.
Even doing basic Bodyweight exercises at home, hitting 8-10k steps a day, counting calories and getting 6-7 hours of good sleep a night goes a long way.
If a guy is in good athletic shape (swimmer body) and well groomed, even if he is under 6ft tall he will do well. Most guys are too lazy to put in the work and some women are delusional about the expectations they have of men.
Wife's sex drive has declined just means she does not want to have sex with her husband any more. She lost her sexual attraction for her husband. She has found that there are some other men who tickle her belly more. She will never admit that of course.
If husband puts too much effort to win her back, that will make her lose interest in sex with him even more.
To fix this, he needs to communicate that he cannot stay married to her if he cannot get regular sex with her. She will likely try to shame him for saying that but he needs to hold his ground and ignore such gaslighting.
Woman loses sexual attraction for her man once she feels she owns him 100%. She needs to feel challenge, anxiety, uncertainty, and fear to be able to stay attracted. If her husband makes her realize that she can be replaced by him (a high-value man who can still attract her replacement), her sexual attraction for him will go through the roof. That is because of the introduction of anxiety, uncertainty, and fear.
this is true for women im glad he was able to actually learn about how we tick
He's full of shit haha
Sex has gotten better for us after years of marriage. Take care of each other and yourself particularly in the health department. That impacts your sex drive. I makes sure to vet my husband's diet so he doesn't consume a lot of estrogenic substances. Make sure he is fed a very healthy balanced diet with homemade bacon instead of store bought bacon, avocado when he wants, probiotic veggies, homemade greek yogurt fit for the gods, probiotic baked beans instead of the store bought stuff. We raise our own eggs so their feed doesn't even contain soy. I also eat a very balanced diet similar to my indigenous ancestors. I have had three children within five years and I am still not hanging onto excess weight. I refuse sugar and processed foods. We have sex twice a week. I would love more, but don't want to overspend my husband like I did at the beginning of our marriage and instead give him massages and cuddles on our off days. I firmly believe a massaged and quality fed spouse gives the best sex.
To answer the question
Because the calling out of each others flaws go ⬆️.
No gender, ♀️or ♂️ likes having their flaws called out on a regular. That happens during a marriage seriously.
That could explain some of the decline in libido other factors may include work stress, physical ailments, poor diets, and being called out. Just saying.
More commonly a lot of women let themselves go after the wedding... they put on a ton of weight......
As do men
Yup. Wife turned into a freakin' zeppelin !
My wife was a Virgin so after marriage we started having sex. Beware of pregnant wives, they won't leave you alone. On my 3rd kid already. I need a break
Sometimes you can spend tons of time together and she still doesn't want it. What's the problem then I wonder? Probably the guys fault somehow still.
Hormones? Or she just fallen out of love. That happens too.
Of course it's his fault. He's obviously doing something wrong or there wouldn't be any issues. What other possible explanation could there be?
She's an idiot and won't grow up. That's the problem.
Familiarity breeds contempt (and boredom)
Do you touch often? Do you kiss with tongue each day? Do you cuddle naked in bed? Only taking won't do it...
A significant factor to the decline in sex in a marriage is diet related.
Eating wedding cake.
I think it comes down to compatibility, and connection. Most people dont want to acknowledge those things were not there to start with or not worked on.
It can get better as time goes by, even if you think it doesnt need to!
Because she doesn't need to have it anymore. She already got him to marry her and that was the goal.
I’m going to fully disagree with the “time” together statement. We work from home in different rooms, walk around the neighborhood 1-2 hours a day together with the dog, spend evenings streaming tv together. It’s been over 2 years. She is post menopausal. And, she said it makes her feel dirty. This after having 3 children. She doesn’t try to start the process whatsoever.
I genuinely feel sorry for you.
She lost sexual attraction towards *you*. Sorry to say. It can be rekindled but it is not simple. She needs to feel masculine energy in you instead of your friend-vibe. Its all about feelings for women.
Woman loses sexual attraction for her man once she feels she owns him 100%. She needs to feel challenge, anxiety, uncertainty, and fear to be able to stay attracted. If her husband makes her realize that she can be replaced by him (a high-value man who can still attract her replacement), her sexual attraction for him will go through the roof. That is because of the introduction of anxiety, uncertainty, and fear.
Ouch
@@kc6810Ah insight. Guess marriage really is a raw deal huh? Imagine sharing your life with someone who is disgusted at the thought of intimacy with you smh tragic
I don't initiate (often), still have a lot of action, because I get inspired by my man.
Tough and kiss often.
Stay clean and active.
Initiate.
Talk to connect emotionally.
Just from observation, once they get a ring and have kids, they lose interest. Most important, they now have all the leverage to tell their men "no". If the men don't like it, divorce will be costly.
House and family is much more work - so not much is left for fun...
Can we have Dr Christopher Ryan (author of Sex at Dawn) to talk about these relationships issues? You two would make a great conversation!!
Are you Finnish?
@@davidfryer9359 That's what she said.
@@davidfryer9359 You got it right!
Ryan is a quack. Sex at Dawn is nonsense. He is not well respected in the evo-psych community.
Women are attracted to their husband when they see other women attracted to their husband.
facts
No. Maybe for some but I think that’s a sign that there may be a different problem
It declines because you start to hate each other and feel resentment.
This video is the reason why women sex drives go down after marriage. Men telling women why their sex drives went down, instead of listening to us. Being OK with a woman, closing her eyes and thinking of something else ….so attractive. Do you guys even listen back to these videos? How could you not know what turns a woman off or on unless you refuse to accept that our attraction is related to how we deeply feel about you.
Women don't know themselves very well. They don't take care of themselves. And when it comes to sex they make excuses. Rather than fixing it they just say "men don't listen" it's bullshit
Can confirm, even with a wife who has had a horrible sexual incident during her child hood killing her sex drive. Our closeness means we have a minimum of once a week sex.
Once a week is nothing or same as nothing. At least once a day is normal between 2 people who r really attracted to each other on a basic level.
@@sstorm1328 maybe, but again like I said, sex was a big trauma for her.
@@sstorm1328Not everyone is the same. John Gray of Mars and Venus fame said once a week on average was the sweet spot of frequency. That is an average.
@@dumfriesspearhead7398 which is why its so big for my wife. Again no sex drive due to childhood trauma.
@@DreadnoughtFiend yeah... So that is a great situation for you both given her bad experiences... Happy for you.
Im sick of this narrative❤Many women have the same problem. And noone gives us any cred. His drive can tank as well. Its always the narrative: «men always want sex». They dont. And this narrative makes women feel doble rejected because this narrative just is sooo prevalent.
And women get blamed for that.
We're speaking in generalities, most mens sex drive is maintained just the same as it always was.
yes. men withhold, too
So how are people in general, not just married couples, going to possibly achieve any of this when no one actually has a real relationship anymore?
Uh, mine didnt! Lol. Im blessed that my husband and i have no issue there. We both stay in shape, which helps. He is also very caring and always does the sweetest, little things that mean so much and i just want to take care of him, however I can.
All this science stuff is great however women should know if she does not please her man, he will find someone who will.
legalize escorts and this lack of sex will decrease
it declines after you move in with someone, thats totally natural and when it does happen its amazing! being in a relationship isnt just about sex, if your in a relationship that soley is about sex then this isnt a relationship
lol
Kind of agree with this. Quality not quantity. I think if it goes a year without etc then it's an issue.
Although this is incredibly true, sex is still needed in a relationship, maybe not 5 times per week but more often than once a month.
@@tianamarie989 Exactly a sexless relationship before you turn 70 is a cuckholding cohabitation, maybe a platonic friendship.
Literally no one believes relationships are solely about sex. The issue is that once relationships happen, people don't have sex at all because usually the woman turns it off. Sexual connection is the essence of male and female relationships. If you're not having sex there's no point in being together long term.
My husband and I have been together 7 years and still have the same amount of sex we always had. Maybe because we dont have children? I have so many female friends from college and a lot of their husbands unknowingly permanently damaged their relationships already post partum when the woman sees him as a burden or feminine princess who works at a desk then demands physical labor of her in the home that she is doing 80% of. Seems once that damage is done its hard to recover
you can't imagine the strain kids put on a marriage. I'm convinced both experientially and from a lot of evidence I've seen that 1. it's worth it in the long run but 2. your life is basically going to be worse, even in a best case scenario, for several years after having a child. maybe if you're extremely wealthy you could mitigate.
if a man is working 40+ hrs a week and the woman is not and is caring for children at home, I don't think dinner ready when he gets home is an unreasonable expectation. I did 70+% of cleaning the house. but I expected meals.
@bob15479 if you did 70% of the cleaning a meal shouldn't be out of the question but that depends on how many kids you have, and if your wife works I guess. But I mostly agree with you. It is not a "gift" to "stay at home" as a mother. Rather stay at home mothers gift their husbands advancement in their career while having a family. She didn't "stop working", she took a new job. Which is to watch the kids while HE is at work 40 hours and then they SPLIT those tasks after 6pm. The delusional thinking some guys have about this is why women keep initiating divorce
@@LibertyinLatte Women just don't want to work hard, it's a simple as that, it's not in your DNA. You aren't built for labor, you're built to make children.
@@LibertyinLatte I think unfortunately in this society (assuming you're american) and economy, being a stay at home mother is hellish. most people can't afford to live in actual communities with other families (I can't). everyone else, it seems, is working. and you feel you're missing out economically. modern american motherhood is sitting in a small box in a large building, trying not to lose your mind, and having social media make things worse.
I'm from what was an idyllic community... in the 80s my street, I kid you not, had HUNDREDS of children. (mormon community). it was so safe that mothers didn't have to worry! they kids would just run around and play. sure there was naivte that facilitated abuse but overall a great setting.
mothers could socialize. they had time to clean or do side hustles in PEACE. but especially they could socialize with other mothers!
I read an interesting study: in the late 50's the average american adult, parents included in the study (and everybody was a parent haha) spent TEN HOURS per week recreating with other adults. (incl. bowling, dinner dates, etc.)
the television came along among other things, (this study pointed to the television) and BAM I believe by the 70s that had plumetted to 2 measly hours per week, and I believe we've dipped below 1 hour now.
So no wonder mothers find staying at home insufferable and miserable. they also don't have a community to coach them on parenthood, which is hard! Idk what I'd do without my own mother living nearby to help teach me how to set healthy boundaries with my kids so I don't lose my mind.
The welathy, at least in my state get to buy new homes in new neighborhoods that to this day have a fair number of children. they get nannies and have their cake and eat it too.
Women complain about everything. They are never happy. IDK why men even try
It's funny how it works just fine before getting married, isn't it?
You already know what it is
@@treacherousjslither6920 The bait and switch.
And especially once you have kids it's all over.
Because you were trying to get her. Now you take her for granted.
For the most part yes, the best sex you will have will be before marriage
Sex is overrated.
Because after about 5 years or so of regular rejections he just stops approaching. He knows its 50/50 at best more likely 10/90 so why bother. She trained him not to approach.
Then at 45-50 between his dropping drive and her dropping looks, he doesn't get excited too often.
I am assuming him initiate because women initiating, although possible, is a rarity.
Women initiating is not that rare.
What might be occuring is that in relationships where the woman is submissive she will never initiate.
@@tempsoda Just dropping by to say you look gorgeous in that dress, wow. Have a nice day.
After being in a sexless relationship for 4 years, me and my ex fiance(we were and still are young)found out the issues after we broke up. Even tho the issue itself was there the entire time, it didn’t become a BIG issues until our last year where we moved in together.
And the catch 22 situation that he explained in the beginning of “I don’t spend time with you because you don’t give me sex and I don’t give you sex because you don’t spend time with me” was basically 90% of it.
I felt myself pulling away because she was generally not an affectionate person and the no sex on top of that made it worse. Which also made me feel no real need to spend as much quality time with her. Because even when I DID, there was still never a guarantee that I would get my end of it. And that’s why we ended up here.
Because I’d sit there for months(yes months) doing what I’m “supposed to do” NOT FOR SEX but because I wanted to. Still no change on her end. And as someone who just got done living through this it just doesn’t make any sense to just throw all the issues as the “man’s fault”. I have to pander to a woman because they simply are different from us when it’s not a two way street.
I disagree it depends on sexual compatibility it has less to do with how long people have been together and a variety of other things but this thing that it declines just because of time is a myth, many factors cause decline
Could be for weight gain, lack of being romantic, distance, etc etc. But what about the situations when the man does everything right but one day the woman just wakes up and doesn't care for sex anymore but still truly loves the person.
Men kill interest in these ways: acting like boys, witholding as a power play, or asking women hold back feelings of love, allowing family members & friends to disrespect them - or allowing 3rd parties to interfere /damage the relationship.
As a guy who can be "derailed" by any random distraction, I'm not sure worrying about a "goal" would help me much.
My drive didn’t die down in long term relationships, I just became bored by the monotony of sex. It became predictable and I wasn’t excited by it. It’s hard for me to yearn for something that doesn’t excite me. I would make suggestions on how to spice things up but he wasn’t interested.
Damn, you totally cucked your husband. My prayers go out to that hopeless man. Cannot fathom being married to a a nagging, sexless fem-bot.
Duh, it is supposed to be like this. What did you think you gonna have same feeling for 20 years? Grow up, relationships and marriage are work and sex is one part of it.
@@gintonicx6 Her husband needs to absolutely run out of that sexless entrapment. She's to evil for poor old bro to even speak up :( she got him by DA BALLS and not even with her bare hands
Maybe you're boring
@@smokingcrab2290 maybe you are too.
Loved this. So curious about why this happens. Thankfully not to me, but why in so many relationships it’s the case.
Unfortunately none of this was factual for my husband and I . He’s 39 and libido is shot. Is it because of lifetime cigarette smoking ? He doesn’t even have patience or the stamina and endurance to give me my turn. He ejaculates in less than 5 mins. I need long sex and intimacy not just back shots etc. we are new relationship just married and pregnant all in 7 months. I have orgasms on my own , never with him . Cus he would shut down after HE is done, we have to do it all for how long he could go for , not me. We’ve talked about all this . I’m frustrated. Why does he always think of himself only and doesn’t try to keep me happy in what I like?
Cuz when bf gf if either withheld sex theyd get punted. But after marriage she can stop putting out and your choice is sexless marriage or broke by divorce.
Many couples , it’s 2 people that are having 2 separate experiences .
Instead of 2 people have a shared experience / mechanical Vs intimacy
Most women are embarrassed of having an organism???? What? Is that a thing?
Because once she gets that ring, she has nothing left to prove.
What bothers me is that the question is pointed as a problem, as if the natural process of getting old along with the libido fading is bad.
THANK YOU!!!! For us, sex is the candle on the cake. You gotta bake the cake FIRST. Intimacy for us is the basis of everything. Sex and intimacy are two different things. Sex follows intimacy for a woman. One of the biggest killers of intimacy is emotional absence. There are many ways to become emotionally absent; porn is a BIG one (aside from ramping up the sex drive artificially and creating outrageous expectations.) So if a woman is confronted with a porn addicted man who has decided he wants to blow off the steam he's built up viewing these fake hyper-sexualized fantasy images, she has to either sell her soul, or shut it down.
At a certain point, Porn is just a reminder that there are women who aren’t fat who know how to fuck. It’s easy to ask for a lot from a man, and then think that opening your legs is the intimacy a man wants. No, if I’m going to open myself up to be this perfect specimen of emotional connection and support, devoid of vices (like porn) what are you bringing to the table? Seriously
Some women who want to be virgins and don't show signs of intimacy are doomed for a terrible life. Men are sex driven. If you don't want sex before marriage and your personality is shit and you aren't fun to hang around...I hope you find someone who doesn't beat you.
This is an excellent comment!! I’ never liked pron, I would feel gross after If I Did… but I couldn’t figure out why…
You’ve given me a lot of insight and understanding someone. Thank you!!
This is an egg or chicken scenario. You say women want intimacy before they give sex. Most men want sex first before they give intimacy. So now you're in a deadlock. I will say though that sex is easier to give than intimacy. For a lot of couples, sex is over in about 15 mins. In comparison, would any woman be satisfied if her man only gave her 15 mins. of intimacy?
all i get from this comment is "me me me me". People just need to reciprocate more in relationships and stop being so selfish.
My husband's sex drive declined, but mine didn't.
That's terrible. Hope you guys work together to find a solution.
What did you do to push him away? Did you reject him, belittle him? Are you a bitch to him? Is he out of shape and overweight?
loose 50 pounds and let me know after
Men seem to express bonding and emotion through sex only and dont see the value in shared experience.
Gents, it really is on us and I can personally attest to this. Once you've found a quality woman, do not get complacent. We need to continually be the men our women fell in love with in the first place. Too many men adopt this "why do I have to do the work" mentality. YOU ARE A MAN, LEAD. As a leader, your job is never done. Don't think because you got her you can just sit back and be lazy. Call me sexist, but nothing drives a woman more wild than a man being a man. When you fully embrace your role as a man, she can embrace her role as a woman. Take her on dates, flirt with her like you did back in the honeymoon phase, get to know her body (make her consistently orgasm!), be a leader day in day out 24/7 365. Being a man is not easy. Showing up and putting in the effort every single fucking day is what separates the men from the boys.
I heard a ringing that sounded like a dial phone. Turns out it was the 50s calling to tell me they had two cents. But after a half century of inflation. I'm bot buying a anything with this shit.
Hence the popularity of the term "the juice isn't worth the squeeze." It is difficult to "maintain your frame" 24x7x52.. Sometimes you just want to *relax!!*
Record that and put in out to every young guy.
I'd like to see more discussion about men's sex drive during long term relationships.
Many men lose the intensity of sexual interest in long term partners and it's not always because they are "low T", "weak" or whatever. These same men will go through a bus load of cheerleaders if given the chance.
The old trope of "for every beautiful girl, there's a guy who is bored of having sex with her" rings true for a lot of men who are driven by conquest, variety and excitement. I.e. They have a low sex drive with a long-term partner, but a high sex drive generally.
Personally, I'd prefer I wasn't wired that way, but I very much am. It doesn't change my desire to pair bond and build long term relationships. It's just difficult!
Who knows what causes it. Maybe it's an evolutionary trait, maybe it's spending too long on the dating market, too many options, an addictive personality, a natural desire for variety? Is it even something that should be "fixed"?
Facts bro. It is frustrating
You can look into the Coolidge effect. Pretty sure they did a lab study with rats that showed after mating with the first mate , the period in between wanting to procreate again was longer vs if they added a new rat the male rat was ready to go every time. I think a combination of just primal functions and novelty you reach that conclusion of new interest always seem to be there.
But I argue that we are far advanced in terms of being able to make choices for ourselves and capable of being committed that it’s not really an excuse for infidelity in some cases because people use that as their reasoning but to each they’re own.
I also think overtime you have to find something else to keep your interest there in your partner because eventually all things new become old and again novelty is a never ending cycle
Well said. I think this is the case for most guys. Low T is not the case of alot of married men.
Stop watching Korn. Look up "the new drug."
The desire for novelty can be fixed.
Really interesting!!
Thank you
it doesn't have to... what a strange presupposition... 10.5 years married and sex is still on tap pretty much 24/7, whenever either of us wants it. Helps that I'm a relationship coach who walks his talk. ;)
I think it's pretty simple, so much so that I'm surprised that I haven't read or heard the following described in this way:
In short, women have lower, base sex drives and so for them to get aroused enough for sex requires a greater stimulus, either through attraction, novelty, or something else.
Men, on average, have a much higher baseline sex drive because we have so much more testosterone and also because sperm are "cheap" (many both plentiful and the risks of having sex are lower because men can't get pregnant). These two things go hand in hand with the high testosterone levels probably caused, in part, by the male role in sexual reproduction.
So, the stimulus required for a man to want sex is much lower. This is why men will routinely sleep with women they are barely attracted to (and sometimes women they aren't attracted to).
Women, on the other hand, need a more powerful stimulus. One stimulus is high levels of sexual attraction. This is why a woman will often have an increase in sex drive when approached by a man that is highly attractive. Another, more common strong stimulus is novelty. Perhaps she's attracted (but not super attracted) to her boyfriend and at the beginning of the relationship he is still 'new' (novel). Well, as the novelty wears off then her sex drive will also decrease.
The same things happen to men but our much higher testosterone levels mean that sex drive goes from 100 to 50, where as a woman's will dip below the threshold at which she even wants sex.
@@tempsoda Women are much more enthusiastic sexually at the beginning of a relationship. This could be novelty/excitement of a new person, or, as you said, the man hasn't had enough time to turn them off yet.
I think that both these things have a stronger effect (causes a woman to completely not want sex) is a point towards my hypothesis.
Men don't get "turned off" easily precisely because we get turned on easily.
P.S. I've experienced this "ick" at least 3 times in my dating life. And I've talked to several men with similar experiences. Everything seems to be going okay, and then one day it just feels off. They are no longer strongly attracted to you and the relationship falls apart. In 2 cases, I can pinpoint the "ick" moments. With one woman, I didn't stand up for myself enough in front of a guy working a hotel desk that tried to overcharge me. With another woman, something touching with my brother happened and I shed a few tears of happiness. I've also experienced the "anti-ick". I stood up to another man to defend a woman's honor. Instantly she was super hot for me.
It's exhausting dealing with these types of emotions.
Seems reasonable
Women’s actual sexual attraction towards men has much less to do with looks than you think
Married to my wife for just over ten years now. It’s an at least every other day thing for us. So three to four times a week. Life is good.
Make sex your goal, and get no sex. Don't make sex your goal, and sexual offers are abundant.
Maybe the sex dries up do to the fact the woman is “alpha widowed” as I heard it put. The beta guy who she is with is not the one she dreams about who got away. She is simply not attracted to him. She is there mainly for security and setting. Sad truth.
The hormones are going to be the end of my gender 🤔 we never speak about it well or enough. I have hormonal imbalance so my libido is low daily unless I'm on my periods sometimes & I get comfortable in this state but I always make sure that when I'm in a relationship I get medicated so I can be well enough to have a normal healthy sexual relationship. The problem is that whether your woman is willing to fix the issue (hormones) or not then it would raise red flags in my opinion.
*We didn't evolve for lifetime marriage? Is that why sex drive declines after marriage?*
Sam Vaknin the Israeli psychologist, has a video on Temporary Marriage. He has his own channel. Sam would make a great guest to interview. The guy's a genius. Sam said we should change, to a system of temporary marriage. Why? History and common sense:
In 1900 the average American man died at 48, the average woman at 50. We needed lifetime marriage, back then to protect women, who were vulnerable, relied on men to provide for them. Why? Lifetime marriage is a necessity when you have vulnerable women and low levels of technology.
Lots of people died young in the past. Far fewer lived till their 80s, than today. This means: Long lives for everyone, long marriages for every married person, is a fairly recent thing. Not the norm for most people in the past. Not that lifetime marriage didn't happen before, it's just that so many people in the past died young, that lifetime marriage in the past didn't usually mean from your 20s till your 80s. Why not, for most people? Mostly because you'd be dead way before then.
Our past was religious and we were short lived and reliable birth control only came in around 1960 and women had few options, due to the very severe limits to technology, till extremely recently in history. So we evolved the idea in our past, that all marriage should be for a lifetime. But did we evolve to pair bond with one person for 60 years? I doubt it. That's too much to expect out of one person, to be everything we need. It's a burden on both men and women.
Margaret Mead the anthropologist famously was married 3 times, said she married once for passion, once for children, once for security. Wise lady.
The thing I liked about the gay marriage debate is how it caused us to re-examine the pillars of marriage, the foundations. Why shouldn't gay people be allowed to marry? They should be. So the old pillar of marriage was, it's only between a man and woman. Great, we knocked down that pillar. Now it's between two people, whomever you choose. I think the new way is better. pride-fan-rainbow-open✅
Another pillar that needs re-examining is the lifetime, in lifetime marriage. Are we meant for it? I doubt it. I don't think most marriages "fail". We only think that way because we buy into the unrealistic proposition that it must be guaranteed for a lifetime. Anything else is supposedly a failure. I doubt it. Why? Look at what we actually choose: The evidence of our human choices is that, we have a high rate of divorce. That's a choice, let's stop condemning our choices. What does this choice mean, about what we truly want?
Also: about 50% of American children are born outside of wedlock. What does all this mean, about what we actually want as people?
In my opinion it means we are already embracing the idea of serial monogamy as the norm, temporary marriage as the new norm, not lifetime marriage. We are doing so, proving our intent by our actions. Even children within marriage as pretty much a guarantee is gone. So what's the point of lifetime commitment?
So maybe we should just stop pretending we still believe in lifetime marriage? College educated women sure don't. The highest rate of filing for divorce is college educated women. When they are married and get a divorce it is the woman who files, 90% of the time. The man only 10%. With women in general it's her filing for divorce 80% of the time. Do women believe in lifetime marriage? No.
So: Maybe we should just publicly tell the truth: we don't believe in lifetime marriage, not even conservatives do, if you look at their divorce stats. Then when we are honest in public about all this, we can start to see divorce and penalty free re-marriage and temporary marriage as a better option. Marriage should expire in 5 years, like my driver license.
She married once for passion. A man she was actually in love with. But that marriage failed. She married again for children. A guy with good genes? A protector/provider type she figured would make a good dad? That marriage failed as well. She married a third time for security. A man who will take care of her financially. Her retirement plan basically. Good for her. But what did these three men marry for? What were their reasons? What were they getting out of the deal? For two of the marriages she admits that she didn't love them. She was using them. They were a means to an end. Pretty selfish and cruel in my opinion. And this woman is the model of future marriage in your eyes? We should all follow her example? You can't be serious.
Sorry, but the opening assertion is just plain bogus. I am 69. My closest friends are in sexless marriages of 30 and 40 years. The men committed themselves to their mates for the long term. Their mates abandoned them.
The chase is better than the catch
I have always heard that a woman needs a reason to have sex. A man just needs a place.
If you marry someone you love your sex drive goes up knowing you picked the right one
Who's still getting married
Dumb people.