5 Things Narcissists Refuse to Give that Codependents Chase
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- Опубліковано 8 лип 2024
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Hello Thrivers!!! I hope this video helps you to jump out of that hamsters wheel of trying and seeking after something a narcissist will never give!! I also wanted to let you know that this upcoming 3 month workshop will be the LAST live workshop - I will be turning it into a self paced video course - so for those that would like to enjoy 3 months of weekly support/coaching along with other thrivers from all over the world - I'll leave the link here. I only allow a max of 20 people so seating is limited! If you want to start 2021 with a jump on your healing journey - here is the link: micheleleenieves.com/group-coaching-and-support/
They withhold affection, intimacy, money, treat us like maids and slaves to their every whim, etc.
I hope everyone reading this is having a blessed and productive day! 🙏
Thank you so much. I speak blessings over you and your love ones as well in Jesus name. Amen and Amen.
You too!
Thanks..you too!🌞💕
I hope you are to (seeing this a month later lol) 🙏💞💐
You too sweetie 😊
The idea of a beautiful person in front of a blind person, what a great analogy 👍👍👍
She makes a good point. at first they just probe to find your boundaries. Then slowly pick away at it.
Codependents have no boundaries, that's why Narcissists 'hunt' for them.
Showing gratitude is something we all need to show each other.
But they learn boundaries... Luckily...
My narcissistic father LOVES when he aggravates me. It gives him a high. It's sick. 💕
"..they don't listen, they pause..."
So true
Hard to admit you’ve been loving the one that doesn’t love you and never will So much time is wasted and unappreciated. You could have given yourself to someone else who would love in return without having to bargain We allow this to happen but we were unaware that it is hopelessly unreal for them to love. Thank you Michele
But we were also far back in terms of self love... If not this person, the next narcissist in turn would have replace him or her. Nobody takes or opens the door to these people for a reason... Now we either... Good lesson... 😁👍
I have to tell people this person doesn't care about you. That hurts their feelings then I say it wouldn't matter who you are they don't care!! They are not capable of caring
My "mother" would ask me a question. (Like 'how was the movie last night'?) I'd begin to answer, and then she would turn to someone else and begin a conversation with them. While I'm in mid-sentence.
My mother des that too.. she literally can’t talk to me on the phone without multi tasking and doing a million noisy things in the background, not listening at all. She truly has no interest but feels obligated to ask questions but has no interest in my response.
You can't fix the Jezebel's spirit, but you can fix yourself just walking away and go no contact,and don't ever look back, there's some people you just can't fix and there one of them, thanks Michelle.
My narc ex berated me for everything. Told me myself and all but one of her exes were "low hertz" IE. stupid. She told me my $95,000 job wasn't enough to support her and a family. She told me every other man was more polite, held open more doors, treated her better. She'd give crumbles of affection only to go cold or mean for weeks. She's sick and I hope she gets help.
Putting down boundaries to a narc . means to them that you dont love them anymore
Oh absolutely they just freaked out it's like you're attacking them
Another excellent narrative, and why cooking a very nice meal never gets appreciated by a narcissist, all that extra cost, work and efforts gets completely overlooked on purpose, wow ! You’re really great at explaining the details, it’s very much appreciated !
I would Cook a nice meal.. Gives him a plate of food he would say:Put it there!
I do cook a good meal and have done that he seeming appreciate it put in a lot of efforts to mske s nice meal as also i dont like to cook....he knows that but as appreciation for all the things he does do or as a way if giving back as i have fixed income however when I go on face book ...i see he tells everybody that he didnt get anything for his birthday or Christmas or fathers day how unappreciated and bumed out he is behind my back but in frobt of my face when i ask him what he would like dor said holiday...he says nothing but i get him a present any way that i think he would like and still plays the poor me victim. Knowing if there has been circumstances and situations that prevented me from expensive monitary gifts.
@@LR-yu3mx how this one ehh im not hungry but said ive not eaten all day. Love this one.
When he would cook the kids loved, yes loved, his cooking better. I stopped ironing his uniforms because “you don’t iron them right.” You’re a gerbil in a spinning wheel going nowhere until you LEAVE.
My father-in-law was so emotionally beaten down by my overtly narcissistic mother-in-law for over 50 years that he just gave up and did and said whatever she told him to. When she would regularly get angry with my husband, she would not allow my f-i-l to speak to his son either.
When my mother-in-law died 6 years ago my father-in-law blossomed. He and my husband have a relationship for the first time; they are the very best of friends.
Ftb!
My mom is narcissistic, and I don't have time to chase anything from her. I just want peace, which is why I have limited contact with her. She is always trying to force her opinion on to others. She called last night acting as though she was reaching out about something else. Yet she made a point to try to force her opinion on me about something that we disagreed on via text a few days prior. It is quite annoying and irritating. It is like you are not God, and you don't know everything. No matter how intelligent someone is, they will never know anything. Smh.
I feel you sis.
I don't think or feel that way no I don't agree with you and no I'm not going to do that The Narcissist has spent years upon years creating this web of Deceit and lies and manipulation and emotional roller coaster that leaves you exhausted and easier to control they literally wear you down to you just agree with them so for you to say what I just said in the beginning of this is literally one of their worst nightmares and here's the thing my mother was a malignant narcissist there comes a point where you just don't have to engage anymore you can just walk away don't fall for their Guilt Trip anymore there's nothing there walk away or better yet have fun with your narcissist and realize that they are just children deep down inside and easy to set off they'll do everything to push your buttons just ignore it
You are not alone..I completely understand
Ftb!
In the end I was doing the dishes, laundry, taking care of the house, taking care of the kids, working full-time and going to school part time. He would watch the kids long enough for me to study, then I was back on the clock. I kept feeling like I was running a marathon, 24/7 and I could never do enough and never get recognition for it.
That, "hit the pause button" thing of the NPD is BRILLIANT !!!! I was trying to find the words to describe what my ex friend did. She would literally stop, look at me & then continue, "...as I was saying...."
I guess it's like them waiting for their phone to load an application - something to just sit through
Mine just looked at fb till I stopped talking
@@cairosilver2932 LOL but the new app never loads
@@heatheradams8946 I Know. So many people in my past ran me, played me, gave me a script that I was to perform. We are actors in their movie.
I must have married my mother because I did everything to please him like I used to with my mother and it was never even acknowledged while someone else would do something trivial and they would gush over it. Also was never allowed to have feelings, they were NOT important. Respect, ha! if you are nothing why should you want respect... you are just a doormat to them and if you want boundaries they will call you crazy or a drama queen, or any other insult they think of which is really projection.
Oh wow, this is exactly how my ex gf made me feel. You just perfectly described how I felt and my frustration with that Michelle. I tried really hard for her and It was never enough EVER!... It was as if she wanted me to feel inferior, sub standard or not good enough!... I had that conversation , or tried too.. with her many, many times.. no acknowledgement, no validation and she never ever saw my point of view about that. Thankyou for explaining this it really helps x
My Oldest Child Is Just Like This....It's OVER ! It Was Like Finding OUT For SURE UR Enemy Was ALWAYS Against U.
Knowing your self worth is important in any relationship. A narcissist has no regard for you, only themselves. Very important to go no contact when your ready to leave or just had enough. Good Luck.
My narcistic mother just lost her compagnon who entered a retirement house after showing severe signs of Alzheimer's desease. She shows no sign of sadness, like if it was just a used car that she discarded to the scrap-yard. Now she is trying to seduce me to have a new blind servant, but as i know how manipulative & interested she can be, she has a hard time controling me and gets overwhelmed by her anger (driven by overpride). She is so condescendant toward me ( her son) that i can imagine how nasty she must be toward strangers. What i see, is the best that she can do, and it is so abusive. PEACE & LOVE Thanx for your excellent videos, Michele.
Thank you Michele , You just validated every single aspect of my relationship with my ex wife . I have been so lost for the last two years . Confused , heart broken and questioning my own sanity. Its as if you were speaking directly to me . Thank you for this video . Its crazy i feel the heaviest burden has been lifted off my shoulders . You have no idea how you just helped me . Thank you from the bottom of my heart .
It takes a long time to heal it took me maybe 10 years but then I had no idea what narcissism was and then I eventually fell upon some UA-cam videos that explained everything but I know that feeling that wonderful feeling that closure now that you understand
Everything here is true. As a codependent, I learned self love and the five things I chased seemed unimportant. I stopped relying on validation and respect from my narc wife. I saw her as she is. A torn soul battling with severe trauma from childhood. I feel compassion and I give care. Her insults and childish behavior I see as symptomatic of a condition she can't control. I can move away from chaos. I don't need to be dragged into it. If I fall into her mind traps I blame myself for lacking good judgement. Is it a relationship that i thrive in? No, it's become a project of saving my kids. In essence I have three. I make it my choice of life and i don't see it as sacrifice. I love myself for who I am and respect myself. She has no control over me, but gradually she have improved over the years. Whatever she does to crack my armor she only makes it stronger. But it is not resistance it's dodging the bullets and knowing it is a sick woman's projecting her pain.
I am in exactly the same marriage as you sir...
I stepped over my feelings for a long time. I apologised, explained and constantaly defended myself as well as making allowances.
I feel drained.
I became so ill I began seizing from over exertion. 3 years out and I'm still recovering physically from emotional abuse. I did so much and as soon as i couldn't i was worthless. Fell into his trap again recently and just exposed more lies. Finally completely no contact except for having him see our daughter occasionally
I hope you are healing I said a prayer 4 u
I find that when they occasionally acknowledge some good traits and work it's usually to manipulate "but you're so good at that, why don't you do it", or to indirectly brag others about themselves via our own achievements. It's utilitarian.
Excellent description of what narcissists actually do in relationships.
Michelle, wow, I’ve been married to a covert narcissist for 29 years, and this video, your video, is so important to every victim of this abuse.
I loved the way you gave examples, I loved the way you expressed your own experiences with those who exhibit NPD, and I can’t believe how much it helps me.
I re- listened to this 5 times, because it feels so good that you completely understand what I myself went through.
Thank you so very much.
I have high self esteem and I am not a codependent but I absolutely want to feel beautiful in my partners eyes and want to hear it. Want to hear it more from him than I do from other men. Which rarely is the case, but that important to me is to know that I am beautiful very specifically in my partners eyes. I already know I’m beautiful but to know that he thinks so. So that’s important to me.
I called a free crisis hot line last week and the women on the other end was to young and had no clue how to even listen to a bit of my story. I wish there were hotlines with people like you. Thank you 💞
My mother hated to see me read a book. As a child I had to hide some- where when reading a storyb ook.
My grandmother was like that she hated any women of the house read
Lovina ♥️♥️♥️ am sorry to hear that , gosh and I love reading books with my little children and my mother never liked cuddle with me and my sister or never spend much time with us 😕. Now as an adult I am doing everything with my children and it's amazing to see them how happy they are 😊 . Lovina enjoy your life to the fullest because you deserve it and because you can . Sending you love 💖 🙂🥰
Wow! me too.. I was told I read too much and thought too much! I rigged a little lamp and cushions to hide in the closet to read in peace.
Oh my God, that’s horrible. I’m so sorry. If it’s something not on their radar, they won’t care. My narcissistic mother wasn’t threatened that I was smart or read books, because she wasn’t intellectual. But I never married or had kids. I honestly don’t think she could have handled me doing anything like that, which is sad.
She is so valuable to our whole world.
Sure is
I'm so lonesome.....
These enlightening videos give me life on how to deal with my mom AND how to become a better person as I have acquired NPD traits.
Amazing - especially the idea of “rights” - that you’re “not allowed to be happy” according to the narcissist. Or have boundaries.
So good. Thank you 🙏🏻
I once lived with a communal Narc, as a roommate. We would have difficulties and would talk about them. Over time, I noticed that when she was upset, I would listen and if she had a point I would apologize. But, on the other side, if I expressed things that upset me, she would tell me, "I'll think about it." That was it. End of discussion.
Over time, I became more and more frustrated until I exploded at her in rage. I was in control of my words, but my affect was out of control. After that horrible experience, I decided not to engage with her like that. I had to completely disengage from her so I would not find myself back in that position again. Best thing I could have ever done.
I told the narcicist woman I would only be with a woman that treat me with reapect and the love I would give her. Otherwise I would rather be alone.
I was about 15 years old when my mom asked me:“Who of the boys you are in love at your school?“ I said:“Nobody, and I would not want to tell you in any way.“
The result: Two weeks silent treatment. It ended when my father came to me and said: „Apology your mother, so that we can get Christmas.“ Cristmas was at the door. And me, vad girl, doing bad things to my mom like that, had to apology not telling my secrets to my mom.
I gave and gave and gave; the sicker I got, and I got physically sick constantly. I could never do anything right in her eyes, ever.
05:14 "they don't listen, they pause"
Some of them never pause at all, even if you scream, cry. Especially when they force their version of realty/accusation, and they raise their voice even more. Imagine a child going through this experience everyday for 20 years and isolated with no way out. Before internet and mobile phone era.
37 years I thought if I even can explain my feelings to my mother, if I knew the right way to express myself... I even studied numerology, which helped me to understand her more but it did not help our relationship in any other way. :-( Finally now 38 years old I know there is no way for her to understand things she cannot even experience, feel or comprehend. :-/ Now Im feeling sad about those decades when I kept ruminating how to approach her (or my narc father ) and I tried, oh, I tried so many ways... but it never worked out well. Hmmmm...
39 and rest, the same sys💀🌺
I relate completely..
totally helpful tnx...imagine your phone suddenly sets a boundary by restricting your access to the internet...I would get pissed and throw it away...same as the Narc...we just an appliance in their world
What a wonderful analogy about the blind person and the other person feeling so ugly, not enough, Etc. Perfect! Thank you:-)
Fantastic video! It's critical for codependents to wake up to the fact that they are chasing things they will NEVER get from a Narcissist. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You for everything you do for this community!
Your videos are doing wonders in my life
Also, so wise to separate the putting down of, and the enforcement of boundaries. You are so right first I had to see that I needed some. Then I had to get the Kahuna's to set them. As they were getting walked over for so so long, I had to then find bigger Kahuna's within self to enforce boundaries. For me, that meant you either go by them, or no longer have you around me. That was another big step. Then, me not go back! Every one of those steps is amazingly hard in its own way. Human growth is the way I see it for me. Thank God for The Little Engine That Could that kept getting played for me as a child through all of the abuse.
I think the wanting to be seen resonates with me because I remember there was this guy I liked and I just tried so hard to help them out, give them gifts and the guy didn't even seem to care. I'm not so much upset about spending money, but I'm more upset about all that time I spent with them that I can never get back.
The only way they will acknowledge you is begrudgingly. They will never respect you or your value. It’s a competition and you have to lose.
I am so grateful to finally see these patterns
Michele you are right on. I worked 3 jobs all my life and did housework too. Never enough!
This is one of the greates vids about narcissism I have ever seen. Thank you Michele
You are the best when it comes to delivering this type of information. I have a ton of respect and appreciation for you.
Another gem of a video! Thank you, Michelle, for helping me with my healing journey. 💜
Thank you so much I spent night after night crying my eyes out with a gun in my mouth my mind wiped clear you've saved my life ❤️
My love and prayers are with you. God loves us & wants to strengthen our resolve
Wow this is so incredibly accurate to what I experienced 2 years ago.
* Thank you so much, Michele *
So great to see new content from your channel Michele. All the best from Buenos Aires.
Michele TY FOR ALL THAT YOU DO❤👋👋.
Powerful! This opened my eyes
THANK YOU. What you say about boundaries is SO VALUABLE! You described my boundaries with my Narc mom perfectly.
Hey Michelle, Just wanted to say this video is absolutely spot on. Keep up the good work. 👍👍
Michele you have such a wonderful way and gift for explaining things. No one knows better than the person who have lived it and experience it!!!!!Thank you!!!!
It totally resonates with me, Michelle. Thanks for all your efforts.
Namasteh🙏❤️
Thanks for another great video, appreciate all you do Michele!
Thank you once again for another awesome video!
Thank you so so much for posting this video. The example early in the video about the man who does so much and just drains them out, even sick as a result of it, was exactly my story. Secure enough as a man to admit it, but got tearful watching it of how much it was what I have gone through. Was very eye opening of how much I have drowned myself for them and not standing up enough against both the guilt for some needed downtime. Seeing how they have not treated as being seen and appreciated was so eye opening. Thank you so much
Wow. Spot on from the first example. Exactly my experience.
100% Spot on!
Michelle, this is an amazing video and thanks for sharing this. It feels exactly like you are telling my story of the way I feel in my relationship with a narcissistic wife. This is an eye opener and I never realised this reality in the 9 years of my marriage
Thank you for sharing your knowledge! You've helped me a lot!❤
This is so relatable, I can totally resonate with the codependent’s voice and feelings. I loved the examples which you have given, it really feels you are completely talking the same which the narcissistic has spoken/reacted.
Boundaries R Blessings U must protect 4 Yourself 🙏❤️
Thank you. This helps me understand 😌
Michele has such great knowledge and understanding in narcissism as a whole. The way she describes situational narcissism tactics in relationships, to me, Its almost like she's telling my own story. Thanks for your dedication and work in helping so many peoples. GOD bless❤🙏
Not only did my ex not acknowledge what I did, he convinced my kids that he was the one doing it
YES!!! Mine too!! I guess that's from the projection? Just so Unfair.
@@marjoriescott9587 yup very unfair. He even had my youngest so convinced I was lazy that after he went to prison for sexually abusing my oldest she ran away because she didn’t want me forcing her to do my work. Of course the fact that he was at work during the time they were in school so he couldn’t possibly be the one doing the housework didn’t dawn on any of them. But now that they are grown 3 of the 4 have seen things for what they were and 2 have apologized for how they treated me so I am glad for that anyway
Thank you 😊
Wow. Number 1 really hit hard and was true in my ex relationship. I chose no contact. While I'm still healing. Thank you for this. I'm a Nieves too.
These are excellent tools.
Wow, thanks for this. Pretty spot-on.
This is so true....
Wow, this first one was the opposite of what I experienced: my ex-spouse narcissist did a lot at home, and it was all about supply... to get attention, adulation, adoration, etc. To GET the accolades.
Ver very childlike. “See me! Did I do good?! Watch this!” (-viewing me as a sort of “mom”. Yelch.) And when he took a “rest”/watching hours of football, it was all about a way to avoid the relationship. Avoid his own feelings. And avoiding any kind of interaction. Talk about “not feeling seen”! When I grew weary of feeding his very childlike ego with strokes of praise, that’s when the narcissistic injury happened; and he went and secured his next source of supply. And married it. And had kids with it.
Sounds like you maybe the Narc!
This is one of the videos that makes me think the moderator is describing my life too accurately. LOL
Thanks.
I rememember the pause ting. Horrible but true.
I think we should start talking of 'human' instead of the covertly victim-blaming and denigrating 'codependant'. I've completely had it with that word - a n d the notion as it is in use in the narc discourse.
ALL humans are codependent. Codependency is NORMAL. The things we expected from our narcs were things anyone would expect from another human being.
And: closure. One other thing no one will ever get from them. Kind of a biggie, I was surprised it wasn't mentioned.
Keeo up the good work and thank u!
I had a Narcissist tell me to not expect anything and you won’t be disappointed
I know what you mean. I hope closure will come with a healthy relationship. Who will understand healthy attachments and a partner, not a parasite. A grown up, not a child.
It can be a friend who stands up for you, a group that are mutually respecting each other and stand for values. A work environment where you can be sure it is a place for thriving and it embraces diversity of ideas not rejecting anything that intimidates them or threatens their perceived hierarchical position.
I don't think codependency is normal. When we are small children it is normal. Healthy parents help children grow out of it. Unhealthy parents leave children in codependency and they remain that way as adults, when it's something they ought to have grown out of.
@@cairosilver2932 I agree. Unfortunately, narcissists Target people who will put up with them. Strong people with healthy boundaries would never tolerate their behavior. Co-dependents lack boundaries, and have complimentary wounds to the Narcissist's wounds. They tolerate abuse that healthy people would not tolerate.
Sorry to offend anyone. I'm including myself in the co-dependent group. But I know this to be true.
@@cairosilver2932 if it’s not normal then a child wouldn’t understand that they need their mother and father to become a healthy adult
So very TRUE
Great video!!!
Thank you
Thank you this reminds me of the scripture:
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12
Thank you so much Michelle, now waiting on how one can get it
Well done Michelle. Perfect explanations... with solutions! 🔥🔥🔥🤗☺️👍👍👍🇬🇧🏡🐻🐻🐻
Deepti here, thanks Michelle
Thank you 🙏🏿 this just freed me, my mind, spirit and soul. Love you girl keep the amazing work 😢❤❤️🩹🔥💪🏿💐🌷
Thank you Michelle! My life till last December!
Last Christmas i broke with a narc and a very next day i felt like hooray!
To the melody of famous Christmas song by wham 😉
Loads of love people! You're in the right place ❤️❤️
Narcissism is a trauma response which includes being pedestalized and entitled.. I will never have compassion for a narcissist but I have weakness for one.. The woman I was just discarded by… The demon inside her imprinted on me using her…I am addicted to her on every level and she had to leave to groom a new primary because I lost my place as her primary source due to becoming mentally and emotionally unstable from my sexual addiction to her… It pushed her away and left her feeling unsafe…
Thanks Michele
10:00ish
The dichotomy is the solid one will put down the boundary. The B Type (whom is not so solid) will put down the gaslight. Eg Coersional maneuvers.
The boundary will lead to a fuller understanding, usually which is denied by the Cluster B (deprivation not entitlment), and the gaslight is the B's boundary assuming greater control or methodology over the situation (in their mind/s) for coersivity/control.
We speak of a struggle among lower energy vibrational forms (good people you don't ever want that to be you,) we look at the waveform dynamic, sometimes ourselves when not as best.
Still we both choose to exist, the problem is in effect to resource and control resource availability dynamic, as you talk about this engagements last 30 years or more often in each case. Wisdom and entitlement, knowledge and granular are both effectively emotion and feeling based, and some will do the greater chookey scratch in every situation in an attempt to maintain an upper hand or comply virtually in slavery/subservience unto their struggle buddy for hope and balance which relying rests upon those small scraps of love and validation.
The person that deprives the other from others of respect alone, 'genuine admiration' is a characteristic that not can but will cripple them towards further resistance of abuse. Things we might acknowledge but must be extreamly careful of for promoting enabling.
I generally of what you're saying, there are so so many 'people pleasers' that so so much don't give a shit.
To automatically deal or manage with a co-dependant and the primary sources of narcissistic control (controller) is not for many the most ideal situation to have to respond or engage with, as much as it needs to be done and managed effectively.
They switch roles more often than not, which can turn out to seriously bite you on the bum...
thanks
I wonder if the narcissist also thinks that acknowledgement will allow you to see your own value and that is threatening to the narcissist.
M at my breaking point at this point of my life. My only fault is loving someone unconditionally and truly.
WOW YOU HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD I AM A MAN MARRIED TO A FEMALE NARCISSIST AND I HAVE JUST DISCOVERED THIS AFTER 15 YEARS OF MARRIAGE AND NOW I AM TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT SHOULD I DO HOW TO STAY OR HOW TO GO
that sounds like narcs to me, always twisting it 180 degree's. I guess the point is narcs "truth" depends on their motives on that specific time, whatever serves them best. Of course the "truth" is kinda flexible because after time and new insights it may change, but narcs think they can change their truth just by changing their minds. Historical facts or agreements with others people and their individual truths has no meaning to them. I guess they totally lack that part and to them the "truth" means "being right" no matter how that thought is obtained to them. To them it's like people who cheat at games/sports, it doesn't matter to them how, as long as they "win" they can see themself as winners. To them any rules of a game or any social rules of normal decent behavior are there to cheat with, they pride themselfs for going around them and cheat their way to what they want. because that makes them think their smarter then the dopes who play by the rules. And that kinda validates their way of thinking, they get the prize and also they can assert their "superiority" so that works for them. Of course no regards on what other people think and what a disappointment anf cheat they are to other people or how they are regarded by them. I suppose they are sore losers ?
Anyway, i think this may originate in some primal subconscious behaviour because let's face it, it's pretty common behaviour for humans. "I will have my shopping cart full of toilet paper I realy don't need and someone else will have to wipe their behinds with old newspapers or something". Ï don't care about spreading covid, I'm just going on vacation anyway because i'm wealthy and I deserve it". in fact "if other people stay locked in their homes I can do what I want". "just take away the freedom and destroy millions of people's income so I can profit from it". You know the type, the kind that farts in the elevator to get more space. Bomb entire countries to save some pennies on fuel....
The phone analogy.😄👍