How To Be Selfish
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- Опубліковано 4 кві 2017
- We are used to thinking very badly of selfishness. But knowing how - at points - to put ourselves first can be the precondition for our later generosity and true helpfulness to others. Being selfish has a role to play in later selflessness.
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FURTHER READING
“We’re highly attuned to the notion that being selfish is one of the worst character traits we might possess, a way of behaving associated with greed, entitlement and cruelty. And yet some of the reason we fail to have the lives we should springs from an excess of the very opposite trait: from an overweaning modesty, an over-hasty deference to the wishes of others, a dangerous and counter-productive lack of selfishness...”
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When we board a plane, they run through the safety procedures. "In the event of a loss of cabin pressure" they tell us, "oxygen masks will appear from above. Place yours on yourself before attempting to help others." You can't be of much service to others if you are gasping for air yourself. This video seems to be saying just that.
that's what *I* thought when i saw that .o.
111 likes
You can only give what you have.
True
Lol my old therapist used to say the same thinf
Serving others has taught me a lot over the years, a line I constantly repeat to myself: "The most selfish thing you can do, is to be unselfish." meaning that if you don't give yourself what you need and your always trying to help others you won't be at your best when you do it.
That’s what’s happening to me
Gosh! So so so true. With education and morals and imbalanced repetition of help others, don't be selfish, give what you have to others - that you end up self teaching to prioritize others over yourself, sacrifice your time/current task/agenda to others needs that may not even be important to them. I realized this and hate it so much, and people who realize this then use you and manipulate you to see their goals instead of your own! Stop this skewed brainwashing and tell both sides if the story, help yourself first, cater to your tasks, evaluate intention of other person and real importance of what they ask you to do, only then partner with them/give your time
Not everyone needs anything.
This isn't being selfish. This is being mature, fair and responsible.
"To say ‘I love you’ one must first know how to say the ‘I.’ " -Ayn Rand
JD Give me the name of the book bro, I need it so badly
kaka cech “the fountainhead”, my dude
This video doesn't seem inline with her belief.
"Sometimes you need to be self-centred to know yourself better". - flatsound, be yourself (poem).
I don't call it selfish, I call it self care.
FurKids OnBoard 🤔
"I'm not selfish!" -said while hovering my curser over adblock
haha! word
lol
Isn't bombarding people with commercial they don`t want not much more selfish?
-stop arguing with people who are not willing to listen
-start prioritising your own needs and wants
-stop being always available and trying to save everyone
-sometimes your helping is actually sabotaging god's plan
-start being okay with people misunderstanding you
-realise that you can only change yourself, and you can change others giving them an example
-stop needing people to validate yourself worth
-Talking with myself is the best way to solve and change what i dont like about me or my personality
-less chasing more attracting
-being more selective and only adding great people to my great life
-stop seeking people's validation or permission to do what you want
Thank you
Good list
Wanna b my life coach
i see, someone else watches thewizardliz lol. But yeah not hatin, this list should be shared to everyone.
Wow well said!
Was just thinking I should be more selfish.This video has to be the universe giving me a thumbs up
saem
I'm here for the positive comments.
I enjoyed your comment. Also, great profile pic. Also, nice name. Thumbs up to you.
John Rathee
You might smell nice.
haha!! As a matter of fact, I do.
It's good to be selfish. 🙂
As someone who found myself exactly on the cusp of that vindictive, exhausted rage explosion, I am just so glad that I finally started listening to myself. Unhealthy selflessness is a HARD habit to break. But I know now I have no choice or it will just be worse for those around me.
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? if I am only for myself, what am I? and if not now, when?" - Rabbi Hillel
"a lack of selfishness can turn us into highly disagreeable, unpleasant people" - Alain de Botton... aka burn-out specialist? :)
Ur not in it for urself but for others
“You’re too kind. You’re too sensitive. You worry too much for others. It’s like you’re made of crystal.”
I’m so done with hearing this from literally EVERYBODY.
People complain so much about loneliness and delusions, but apparently the truth is that they enjoy being treated superficially. They enjoy being victim of something or someone.
They want me to be “bad” but I don’t think it’s in my nature. I can be “bad”, I can play the part of the “bitch”, but I hate it! I literally die inside when I know that I might hurt someone’s feelings.
I can’t just “not think about it”.
It sounds like a paradox but not being selfish, is my way to be selfish: I do what makes me feel good and what makes me feel good, is being kind and nice with people.
I take some time for myself, I’m stubborn, so I don’t do “everything” that people ask me...I just try to be nice!
It’s just sad when you see people who don’t care about anybody, being loved and appreciated, while you’re always asked to change and taken for granted.
i've never heard someone express my thoughts better thank you
Hi, I wish I had learned this lesson before I let it ruin my life.
I spent twenty five years taking care of others and neglecting my own needs.
Job,education,relationships,security,all put aside because I was asked to take care of family members when no one else wanted the responsibility.
The rest of my siblings went on to achieve careers and families of their own while I was left to take care of the elderly, sick and injured. When I had no one else to take care of anymore and I got sick myself it was an argument as to who would take care of me.
My brother-in-law eventually stepped up and agreed to take me in and in return I agreed to be the care giver for his mother who was in the early stages of Alzheimer's.
After she passed I've continued to live with my sister and her family as a babysitter/housekeeper/dog carer/whatever they need.
But my own life and needs have been brushed aside now I'm just the old broken-down uncle living in a room and trying not to get in the way while the Real People go about their lives.Sometimes you can give too much of yourself,until there is nothing left.
Some "Enlightened Self-Interest" can go a long way towards developing a fulfilling life. Thanks.
a bit odd to ask since this is over 4 years ago now, how old are you now?
Big hug to you ❤️🩹
YES!! This is why I left my boyfriend. I was being selfless for the LONGEST time and all of a sudden I decided that I needed to be selfish and work on me. He was not OK with that. So, we broke up.
Good
Well done 🎉
I've always heard of the term 'Selfishness' in a negative context. This video has changed the meaning of an entire word for me. Thank you.
Actually they are the most selfish ones.. sadly in todays world being smart is the most valued trait which is nearly equivalent to being selfish.. kindness gets you nowhere!!
Have you read "The Virtue of Selfishness" in the 3 years after you made this comment?
being selfish is my ultimate goal. self-respect .
The problem with trying to be selfless is that no one else knows what you want or need, and therefore they don't care.
I have this problem. And After 22 years of trying to be humble and being told I am always at fault and I don't enough for others. I can tell you from experience that so-called 'selflessness' doesn't lead you anywhere. This mentality of 'putting others first' and 'self-hatred' has been so ingrained in me so much that even now, I still can't escape it. It's ruined.
Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and whoop my ass for what I've let myself become.
"Don't forget to fall in love with yourself first"
Nicely elaborated (Y)
I hate myself.. how's that? :D
Actually, I heard Milton Friedman give this exact perspective on selfishness in so many seminars. For example, when Einstein was attempting to discover the field equations that govern the universe, ultimately, he was being selfish by pursuing his desires to educate himself. In doing so, he helped humanity immensely and unlocked so many breathtaking aspects of the cosmos. Thank you, Einstein, for being selfish.
It also lead him to be an abusive husband...
That's a rather compressed view...there even was a mathematician who solved the problems of maths in Relativity before Einstein did. He didn't claim the findings for himself, though. He gracefully let Einstein have them for being the one who got the idea first. Additionally Einstein was going from one man versed in maths to another until somebody finally pointed him in the direction of Riemann's Curvature Tensor for guidance. Methinks, Einstein may well have been selfish, but in no wise did he succeed until he was no longer rude, impolite, inconsiderate or pushy. Something to remember in our day and age, no?
Erwin, Except reasonable selfishness (the goal of which is to better help others by helping oneself first) is not the same as egoistic self-interest, which "free market" libertarians like Friedman embraced. While it's true that every act, no matter how altruistic, will always be selfish to a degree, I wouldn't lump Friedman and Einstein in the same category since Friedman's version of selfishness perpetuates worker exploitation, wage slavery, and wealth inequality while Einstein's version does not.
I fail to see how Einstein helped the humanity... care to explain ?
ErwinSchrodinger64 I love Einstein
I think being selfish is one thing most people are already quite competent in. I think looking out for oneself and selfishness are two different things. To me, selfishness is a negative trait that means being too focused on oneself to the detriment of those around you. Looking out for yourself is making sure you have what you need and are doing okay without negatively affecting those around you by doing so.
Looking out for yourself - eating half a pack of cookies, leaving the rest for X.
Selfishness - eating all the cookies.
lol at first sight I tought it read HOW TO BE A FISH
petition for School of Life to make that video
You read what you want to I suppose. You might have some deep identity issues that needs to be worked out, not to be #Gilphobic or anything.
It'sJustaFace
How to be a shellfish? Become more crabby.
How to be a shellfish :)
It'sJustaFace its crazy how this comment has so many likes and also has absolutely nothing to do with the topic
*"It only stands to reason that where there's sacrifice, there's someone collecting the sacrificial offerings. Where there's service, there is someone being served. The man who speaks to you of sacrifice is speaking of slaves and masters, and intends to be the master."*
@@alegriart Ayn Rand (from "The Virtue of Selfishness")
My mother says I should be a little selfish, because she thinks I am too modest and could hurt myself.
And this is the video I was looking for, the next second it came with the notification
I really needed this.
Brilliant! I was thinking today about how important it is to think of yourself as a priority; to love yourself first so you can be able to love others, to give yourself what it needs so you can offer help for those who need it, to succeed in a field so you can be able -professionally and proudly- talk about success and teach others about it! This is brilliant❤
You knoe you're not the main character in a movie, right?
How do these guys always post a video on exactly what it is I need to understand? It's uncanny!
Where I live NYC, this is not a problem
"I will be better able to serve you, if I don't serve you for a while". Grow some balls and be courages. You are important. Treat yourself as if you were another person, which includes saying yes and no sometimes. Others are no more important then you are. Get to work with the end goal in mind.
1. But let us all keep in mind that the expression most used in this very wise and beautiful lesson is " to serve others".
If you think about it, our happiness is never "complete" when we ONLY look for our own needs. When we get what we want, we feel " satisfied" and it is very important , but in order to feel " fulfilled" we must be doing something meaningful, not only for ourselves, but also for others. We must be a "giver" instead of being a taker. There is a book by the psychology professor Adam Grant, called " Give and Take, Why Helping Others Drives Our Success".
You can hear him on the wonderful " On Being Podcast". There he says that "givers" are either among the least successful people, or among the most successful. Here is how he explains it:
"I think that it fundamentally comes down to the choices we make every day about who we help, when we help, and how we help."
And he warns us about the dangers of over-extending ourselves and ignoring our own projects which would ultimately lead us to bitterness and burn out.
2. There is a book by another psychology professor, Paul Bloom, with the very provocative title " Against Empathy". I thought it sounded really awful until I read the subtitle: " A Case For Rational Compassion". You can listen to him talking about this on a Big Think podcast. I loved the term "rational compassion" and the way he explains it. It is all about "giving" in the most mindful and useful manner.
3. This lesson is so important especially for relationships. If you are the kind of person who puts the other person's needs always in the first place, and if you have a tendency to totally sacrifice yourself, there is a term for that in psychology: " Relationship Enmeshment". I am addicted to a wonderful psychology podcast called " Shrink Rap Radio". They have an episode with this title, that I have found very helpful.
4. Time is absolutely the most valuable thing we have and we have no idea about how much of it we have left! That's why we must find out a very kind way of saying "no", because we will have to do it a lot.
Existential psychiatrist Irvin Yalom says that the very first thing the patients who suffer from a deadly cancer learn to say is NO... Because they suddenly gain a " perspective" on their remaining lives and they can clearly see what is important and what is not. So of course we better learn it before death is at the door!
Well, but I still feel very bad about saying no to invitations of parties etc. But this one quote by Dr. Seuss is very consoling:
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
( Though, I still sometimes think that may be everybody should matter...)
5. Malcolm Gladwell said this on an interview:
"I give people insight into things that they don't have an opportunity to discover on their own. Most people have important jobs that keep them in the office, where they spend most of their time. I have the chance to get around, explore the world and bring things back for everybody else.I am like the dog who goes and fetches."
Indeed this is something we all can do for ourselves and for each other: To explore the world in our own way to find where the helpful, beautiful and consoling ideas are and then share them with everyone.
But for this, we must absolutely make sure that we TAKE the time for this. That's the only way we can have something to offer to others.
Thanks a lot for this wonderful lesson and for the great animation!
Lua Veli gosh your comments are always very good
Hello Rafael. Thanks so much for reading all this. Have a nice weekend:-)
Lua Veli amazing comment. Very helpful at this present moment in my life.
Good morning Cobra! I am very happy to hear that. Thanks a lot for your feedback. I wish you all the best:-)
Lua Veli thank you so much!! I do not like comment on internet but I did it last year to answer you and this year as well. I have to do that to share a little my experience. Guess what? Last year I started read Alain de Botton books after reading your comments and their books have been so helpfull (I was so unhappy at that time but his philosophy gave me a lot of consolation) yesterday I started reading the death of Ivan I. written by Tolstoy after reading your comments about his book. Every time your piece of advice helps me soooo much!! You are an amazing person!
I really wanted to be shellfish, but this is the wrong video :(
Don't be sad... you need to get a tougher exterior.
Pigna Cento
Ah, clam up.
I still can not manage to be selfish ..but at least I think my mind is convinced maybe we just need to remember it each and every time. We must try hard to break our pattern. I know we can do it!
@@saionjisan shut up. Just be selfish you self edufiying pig.
It's been too long since I've thanked you for your content. It has not only helped me personally, it has also helped me help my students.
Many thanks to you, SoL!
i think what you're describing here is self respect, not selfishness. perhaps it's merely semantics, but it seems it would cause less confusion to call it the former.
Michaela O'Malley True, but the choice of a provocative word like selfish will garner more curiosity, resulting in more views, and thus more widespread contemplation of this helpful concept.
Rhonda Vanderbeek good point
By selecting a more "clickbaity" title, the video selfishly (in a good way) gets itself clicked by more people. Thus, spreading its message to a bigger audience. 😉
Isn`t self respect a part of selfishness?
Accuracy should be highly valued in communications. A better stance would have been self-respect.
I needed this video. I'm currently discerning about one specific important decision in my life, and this helped me think about saying no.
Speaking of selfishness, please do a video on altruism. Can one be fully altruistic?
ZeCasuals This is an excellent question, and one I've actually mulled-over in the past. My conclusion is that
"fully altruistic" (or complete altruism) can only ever be a temporary state; because altruism is a learned behavior, motivated by the desire to help others, but because it also fills a desire to feel good/responsible/worthy/purposeful, there is benefit to the self, therefore cancelling-out the notion of true or complete altruism.
Nice points! There is a good thick book on the matter by Matthieu Ricard , it is a good philosophical take on the matter :)
Nah, it's all just kin selection gone wild.
Voluntary behavior cannot, by definition, be truly altruistic
ZeCasuals Altruism is a myth. Either we accept it or not, people who help no matter who, in the end of the day, do it either to feel better about their selves (selfish) or to follow society notions of goodness and gain recognition (selfish)
I couldn't agree more with this video. I think that if you take out the time for self improvement and relaxation then you are a lot more productive and clear- headed. This is evident by the surgery cartoon example. I admit, I have taken a lot of time out for myself/ paid for courses etc in order to work in the field I wanted to... however as a result I do think I am a happier, more productive and empathetic person. Far happier than I would have been I didn't do that. I would encourage everyone to take out the time for relaxation, as it's so important and frequently overlooked in today's 24 hour society.
Another gem. Thank you for the reminder of being "a better Embassador of our intentions". This is insanely good advice to my inner Help-O-Holic. Thank you, Alain!
Aren't we all selfish? Degree of selfishness differs from person to person but at the end of the day we only think about ourselves....
You've got to help yourself before you can help others
I grew up always being told that I was selfish, and I was always hurt about it, because I didn't feel like I was being selfish at all, I was practicing self-preservation. I knew what was valuable to me and I only wanted to share what I knew people would also see as valuable, and If I cared about someone, it's because I really did care. If I spread myself and shared the way people had expected me to, I feared I wouldn't have enough for everyone at the quality they all expected.
This is a theme I had been struggling since a long time ago, but this video showed me a new and healty perspective.
Thank you
Meet your needs before your able to meet others needs.when your needs are met is when it's time to be giving
beeing selfless has given me a lot of trouble and pain in the past.....until I realized along the way of growing up that I have to be selfish in order to feel good and happy for a more fulfilled life!
All of this is so much work. I’m exhausted and I don’t want any more of this.
I relate sooooo much to what is being said...I am literally spending an entire year studying abroad on my own because of this...I became so much on the edge and I lost soo much of my patience....but now it's been more than 4 months since I'm abroad and I feeling more and more ready to come back to civilisation with the kindness, patience and understanding that I once was so proud to have U.U
'A better ambassador of your intentions'. Seriously, you guys are a godsend!
truth be told, I get pretty excited when I see a new video from this channel. I enjoy watching these before I head out to work for the day
Perhaps a better conclusion would be that humans should not resign themselves to one personality trait but rather a spectrum. Like how it is unhealthy to be either only selfish or only selfless.
"Become a better ambassador of your intentions."
This was just great. I needed to hear it today
The world really needs to hear this right now... So many people are exploding..
I think that this can be best encapsulated by a line often said during airplane safety instruction briefings: "put on your own mask before going to help others." If you neglect your own mask trying to save others, you will swiftly find yourself dead before you can reach anyone who needs help. By putting your own mask on first you can guarantee that you have the capacity to aid others who need your help.
I really needed to hear all of this. Thank you for making this video.
Needed this so much!! Love it!
Oh that's great, I really needed it. Thank you The School Of Life!
The animations in this video were really good! And great message as always. Thanks!
Thank you school of life and Alain. 😊 Just what I needed. Perfect for the start of 2018.
One day I myself was having one of these fits; i love helping people it gives me great energy. I do not like helping myself on the other hand. This is what I wrote down in my notes to help remind me. DO WHAT YOU WANT
IT WONT MAKE ANYONE UPSET
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY
AND IF SOMEONE DOESNT LIKE THEM SCREW IT
YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON WITH GOOD INTENTIONS
DONT SIT ON YOUR PHONE ALL DAY
FOCUS ON WHAT IS IMPORTANT FOR YOURSELF
BEFORE OTHERS
WORRY ABOUT OTHERS ONLY WHEN THEY ASK BECAUSE YOU WORRY SO GODDAM MUCH ANYWAYS
That last part is truth; just remember to love yourself. Cheers.
Very well put, excellent video! I particularly liked the difference between the types of selfishness- long term and no further perspectives.
I love these videos, they are visually stimulating, interesting information, and the narrators voice is relaxing.
Thanks for unpacking the nuances and shining light in the dark matter within ourselves
wow I really liked the metaphor at the end
sometimes I wonder what people who haven't gone through an existential crisis or other kind of crisis would think about the videos from the school of life and what those people think about life in general
It's kind of scary that I could have, very easily, become a person who isn't very self aware and therefore end up living a "normal" life
*shudders at the thought*
thanks, school of life.
With your philosophy and "self" and relationship playlists, you are really making the world better for some people
We are living in a time where selfishness is justified and doing something good and free to other people is rare. Be the exception don’t wait for appreciation. You will feel lighter, happier and grateful when you don’t expect to be thanked every time.
Finally Someone with a good head on his shoulders
I've resisted this for so many years and its starting to REALLY sink in now why i should be more selfish. I am no use to others if i am not taking care of myself first
I really need to adopt this mindset. In my past job, I often didn't go seek help from others because I thought I don't want to bother them with my small dumb questions. And it was to my own detriment.
I just started a new job and I know I need to be more selfish. Yes, I might disrupt people with my questions. But in the long run, I'd be more competent as a result which helps the rest of the company.
"The most selfish thing you can do, is to be unselfish."
I've been waiting for this video for a long while!
The trick is to be well aware of our "Intentions"
That's was the gold in the hay of Societal lies. We are often so unaware of what we want, want we have and what direction is best suited for us that we seldom give weightage to our sense of Intentions. We say,"We don't know what We want" and fear that others might misread our intentions to an undesired selfish ones. So we serve them, and in our serfdom, become bound to a destiny of being a doormat.
It is essential to know and develop resistance to the fear of others misreading our intentions. Our intentions our only ours to establish. Others opinions of our intentions should not only be ignored, but protested against. We must own our intentions and not let others steal from us, our liberty to intent.
I really needed this 😭
This video is the best bday present. Thank you School of Life!
The animations are always amazing. I love it.
Thank you! I love this channel!
In others words, just be assertive.
I’ve been let down by so meny people I’ve lost friends and ended alone, but I’ve woken up I’ve hit the gym hard started being healthy and now I like my own company not needing anyone
I have learned I had to hear the word no. so others can also, from me. it realy all depends on what it is, beyond my comfort zone, not going to do it. but it makes me selfishly feel good if I do stuff and can do it. proudly walking away with a lighter step.
this is soooo true, everytime im selfish things go very well for me
I LOVE THIS,I AM LEARNING TO BE TRUELY SELFISH AND ITS GREAT.
The problem sadly is that people are extremely selfish and DO NOT give anything back to others and the society.
Are you saying collectivism is the way to go?
Mr. Slapperino I'd say that the real problem is that those who are not go unnoticed.
Is giving to society and to others requisite?
@@madao7865 so you're saying you should bè selfish Just to be noticed?
@@dani6ist I'm saying you should be treating selfless people with more kindness.
I would LOVE more videos on this subject, great job on the vid 10/10
This is Ayn Rand hero reborn. Beautiful
"How to be selfish in a good way" might have been a better title. That would attract more people to watch this valuable video. The messages here are great and definitely worth listening to! :)
Thank you for that.
Yesterday I was thinking why I'm not selfish. And today I'm learning how to be selfish. Sweetly.
weird that im here way too late but i needed this so much so thank you
i just love this channel❤❤
I needed this..
99% of people in 2017 have _being selfish_ as a new year resolution.The flow of events has led us to this wall that inherently makes our tender emotional fibres course, thus bringing selfishness.
I think the title of this video should be "How not to be overly Selfless" instead of "How to be Selfish"; in any case, great points made as always. :)
It took me a lot of time to understand that being selfish is good for my health :)
I needed this
So true. Thanks Mr Botton.
wow. I really needed to hear that.
Thank you for your great videos. It would be really interesting to hear from you about disobedience and it's relation to non-conformity.
I love all your videos you are truly school of life
thank you for this helpful video
These Videos help me a lot, thank you
Thank you
i think "selfishness" isn't the right word. "self-respect" might be better to use.
Joy Landsman I believe he used the right word-BECAUSE It's the word that we've been taught to be afraid of and try to counter in order to not be the bad guys. Using another word will keep us comfortable about the subject and not aware that we were taught wrong.
Wonderful advice.