You are 100 percent correct. My parents were married for 58 yrs. They were very helpful to each other. My dad told me," 80 percent of your happiness in your adult life will depend on the spouse you chose to marry. Married people who have similar backgrounds and religious beliefs have a better chance of success." On his death bed he said," If I could live my life all over again I would marry the same girl only I would have more children. "
Even though my wife and I are from opposite sides of the world, from totally different backgrounds and religions, we've been together for 34 years. We are very similar in one critical way. We are not socialites and prefer to keep our own company. It works.
I fully agree with James Sexton. As a Trauma Therapist I like to mention though that we never talk about the root cause: Most people don't know themselves. They don't want to deal with their childhood wounds - and then they expect the other person to do the work. If we don't start adressing the root cause, start looking inside, these unhappy relationships will go on, and on...
I couldn’t agree more. I also got married young and it wasn’t until my late 30s/early 40s that I could say that I really knew myself well. In fact, it was then that I made major career changes to align with what I had learned. Of course, if you don’t know yourself well, that’s probably true about your partner, as well. Now, you have two people that don’t even know themselves trying to figure out how to make it work. Add in life’s many stresses, along with a health dose of poor communication skills and you have the result that most people are pretty miserable in marriage.
I’ve been very happily married over 20 years and marriages can’t last on just love. As long as neither person has a personality disorder the following is my take on how to have a long, HAPPY marriage. 1) you both must have, or must develop, a similar work ethic. So both lazy, both work hard, or both somewhere in the middle. 2). Always respect your husband/wife. If they behave in a manner where you lose some respect for them, discuss it and act on it immediately. Because as soon as you lose respect big problems follow.
You're soooo right!!!!! My husband and I have an incredibly rocky and unhappy marriage and 1. He thinks I'm lazy because I cannot do a lot due to severe health issues and I think he's lazy because he's a slob and can't keep a job. 2. I've lost respect for him because he lies about everything almost every single day, he can't keep any commitments, he doesn't hardly EVER want sex, he doesn't spend time with me or the kids, he won't have a single discussion with me about anything that really matters, and he's cold and indifferent about my health problems and being on death's doorstep several times. He doesn't respect me because I ended up with all these health problems, have severe depression now because of our circumstances, I can't do much to help around the house or as much as he thinks I should be doing and he doesn't like me spending any money on basically, anything. I don't know how to fix any of this. I would not pick him out of a crowded room and I know he would not pick me, either.
@@apersonwiththoughts It will be toxic on a whole new level. Boundaries will be crossed constantly. The disordered one will play the victim in almost every situation. They will shift blame when they cross your boundaries. Gaslighting will most likely occur as well. The things they do behind your back are unthinkable. If you stay in a relationship with someone like this it means you most likely have issues as well. Codependency being that issue. There's alot of great content on youtube about relationships with narcissistic, psychopathic, and borderline individuals.
Wow. I've been married for 20+ years, happily. He's my bunk mate and buddy. I'm really grateful for our chemistry that has stuck. It's been an incredible fun journey and now we are growing old together. But it's still fun! Lucky me!
There's something so beautiful about growing with a person though, seeing the different versions of them through different life stages over the years. There's so much depth that comes from a committed relationship like that.
@@michaeldautry The way I see it is through the commitment of "till death do us part", you're ideally free to grow and change be your best selves, and know you'll each be supported and can support each other without having the threat of being left because marriage = commitment to not leave. Why wouldn't you want your partner to thrive and up the amazingness average of your duo? :) But I could see how people's insecurities could seep in if the foundation of the marriage isn't the #1 priority.
@@heyeilise in reality though sometimes it will not be thriving up, some of these stages are going to be hard, dark stages. I for one suffered from debilitating post partum depression after one of my children. It was a difficult time in our marriage. We overcame it, I have healed, but some stages aren't going to be thriving and doing well. But both are valuable, there is a lot of growth in the difficult phases as well.
Wow James is a great speaker! He's verbally clear, explains things in a way the audience can understand, and his body language is really engaging! Bravo
As a well-known divorce lawyer in Pennsylvania, I agree 100% with what Mr. Sexton states in this video. Great content. Thank you for conducting this interview, Lewis Howes.
LISTENING TO THIS GUY only validates our egp. Your relationship with your panter is one of emotional trust. Leaning in, where it counts, to the Others concerns, fear, sadness or longing, is where we ALL Long to Live, and is Ultimately, albeit, our Quality of Life. Re: Differant Interests Share in each Others Meaningful & Novelty activities... Make a list amd swap them for Valentine's dau. Your new experiences together IS the Endless honeymoon...like when you first met, everything was new. Re: Growing Apart Take an intetest in supporting your partners creativity and interests... Of course, your purpose in life and tastes in life should be different. But connecting in the co-creation of your marriage is what it is about. And showi.g up, co-resourcefully during frustrating times, in woethy pursuit of your Highest good. What i hear, here, is a person who cannot give marital advice whatsoever. The myth called 'chemistry' Is all about "attachment styles', and the discord of repeating disconnection is underpinned by emotional wiring at a pre-verbal.age. Self-reflection is the key to Self healing, as the majority of failed relationships are due to our consitioned respomses we brought into our relationships and egoic judgement of the Other for causing oyr feelings. Attachment, Amir Levine is opens up the world of understanding all of our behaviours. Intergenerational osmosis, (It Didn't start With You) peer acceptance, (Tony Robbins) investment theory (John Gottman, the Science of Trust, and the path to ending all suffering through awareness of awareness, (The Power of Now). I am pro-marriage. It only takes One, is true. ALLL of Gary Chapmans books are magnificent and original. The 5 love langiages and 5 langiages of Apology. In psychotherapy these days it is midstream to teach you about the Ego Mind, left brain, where most men were forced to live. In truth, self awareness (The Chimp.Paradox) is the most important factor to our health, connection with Others, and living with Meaning purpose and experimentally imjoying LIFE. What do we really want in Life(? Five Wishes, Gay Hendricks. May all find inner peace and be truly happy in.Your Selves, and love the Other as they need, not as We think or prefer they need, with genuine compassion and empathy. Agapé or loving kindness. There's No Time to Lose, as they say. All the BEST 🙏🌻🙂
I could listen to this man talk for hours. He is beyond well spoken, talented at his craft and can hold the attention of a crowded stadium. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
You're right. This is my second video of him talking about marriage and divorce. He's very knowledgeable. You know, sometimes engaged couples would go to talk to their priests or ministers about marriage advice? They should go to this guy instead.
I’m a personal trainer. 99%+ people fail at fitness. Is it a broken technology? No. It’s just that most people have no idea what they’re doing. You don’t build a solid house by randomly hitting nails and planks; there’s principles, methods and techniques behind it. I don’t think marriage is broken, I think people partly uneducated about it and also need to be aware of the challenges of this day and age.
@@BronnBlackwater if you understood that both are the same, that's not what I said. My point is that both have rules and you need to learn them before expecting a positive outcome.
Bodybuilding technology isn't broken, marriage technology is a lottery with 50+% chances to lose half of your possessions and get emotionally wrecked. So if the risks are that high, I ask myself, what benefits outweigh such tremendous risks? Having a partner, feeling secure, feeling of belonging, sex etc. For me personally the risks outweigh the benefits, you can have sex/feel secure etc. by having good friends. So my opinion that it is broken
his advice was so honest and profound but at the same time practical, reaching into the everyday life. i thought i would be depressed after listening to this podcast, but on the contrary, i feel more equiped to deal with the outcomes of life
@Thunder Life no that's too black and white. You can choose not to get married of course but we need relationships like we need air and water. So you need to have your head on straight to make any relationship work.
I can not give this gentleman enough credit for his honesty and fairness towards both genres. This episode was worth every minute and I salute both guys for putting this genuine and unbiased conversation for us to digest. 🙏
Lewis, could you do more interviews with lawyers or judges, please? Everyone has doctors or athletes on their podcasts, but most people don't invite lawyers/judges. Greetings from Germany
Ask why bar Association are against equal shared parenting bill and how loopholes in title iv d gives state government monetary incentives to keep kids from getting equal access to parents under the FAKE claim of best interest of children
When he said "f you consider paying attention hard, you will consider marriage hard", what he meant by "paying attention" is "mindful/present/awake to life". We can SO easily turn off our presence and just coast. It takes tremendous presence to stay awake and mindful throughout life. It's so much easier to just turn away.
Interesting comment. It deserves much thought and an insightful reply. I’m taking time to acknowledge that. But I had a long day at work and I’m tired. I really hope you understand. LOL! Kidding not kidding.
Marriage ( not all marriage) brake down in my opinion because of adultery !!! And the adulterous spouse that does it is usually the one that never grew up as an heathy adult!!
What's really great about this interview was not just the insight provided by the lawyer, but also how smart the questions the interviewer was asking! they both know what they're doing.. very refreshing :)
The Skylar How odd, I saw it totally differently. Lewis kept looking at James' book or his list of questions, was not looking at James as James was speaking and generally looked and seemed totally uninterested. I have not seen either man before so this may be the standard routine for Lewis' show but it spoiled it for me. James was a great guest and very interesting to listen to.
Laura Hamilton - Divorce can be very hard for children. It’s not something anyone should enter into lightly. That’s why my book is about how to prevent it.
James J Sexton , thank you for your reply. I appreciate your sensitivity and applaud your initiative to write your book. My contention is "that divorce can be very hard for children." Divorce is very hard for children. This perspective gives more gravitas to the effect on children potentially cause pause. Our culture has dulled to the effects of divorce on children. It's a worthy point to emphasize the ubiquitous negative outcomes to children regardless of age. Thank you for the opportunity to dialogue.
You're very welcome. I can tell, from your comment and reply that you're attuned to the issue of the impact of divorce on children and I applaud you for that. A significant portion of my practice, for the last 18 years, has been representing children who are "in the middle" of high conflict custody litigation between their parents as a member of the "Attorneys for Children" panel in the New York State Unified Court System. Talking to the children I represent in that capacity has really taught me a ton about how children experience not only divorce but also how they experience parental conflict (in parents who are divorcing or even in parents who have remained married but are having significant conflicts in the presence of their children or that their children are aware of). If you haven't read it - there's an excellent book you might appreciate and find aligned with your perspective (from your reply above). It's called "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce - A 25 Year Landmark Study" by Judith Wallerstein. It talks about how parental divorce impacts children both during childhood and in their own formulation and perception of romantic relationships as adults. Thanks again for the comment and for taking the time to dialogue. This is precisely why I love working with Lewis. He's got listeners who are genuinely interested, just as Lewis is, in learning, growing and having respectful and intelligent dialogue that respects differing perspectives and seeks common ground. We need more of that in this world. Thanks again for listening and for taking the time to write. -JS
He's right about the opposite of love being indifference. I think the more you love someone, the more you can hate him/her. You can't hate someone you don't give a shit about
"The three predominant states of egoic relationship are: wanting, thwarted wanting (anger, resentment, blaming, complaining), and indifference." Eckhart Tolle
@@olandofuller5588 I agree! Love is not a feeling. Love is a choice to do what is best for ones beloved. We choose to love. This is why God created us with free will, so that we have the ability to love.
agree with you! I really would like to have a small, cozy wedding with family and closest friends, but I have more than 100 relatives who would get offended if we didnt invite them. So we just not gonna have our weddings since the expences are too big ((
This was a perfect interview. The interviewer had a great way of asking questions, contributing to the conversation, but largely staying out of the way and the guest was very competent, interesting, and had so many thoughtful things to say. A perfect interview.
A definitive answer to to those who think that a lawyer does not have a heart when choosing this profession. This man, having perfected his craft, is a loving father and a respectful ex-husband. He has a great humanity and integrity.
I am just dealing with the closings of that situation now as I'm watching this vid. Awesome vid but your point does give a unique twist to all of this.
My ex has narcissistic disorder. He was great at hiding, and I didn’t know that disorder existed, so I’d ignore it. Fast forward a year after separating, and he is still sending me long thesis-sized emails apologizing and wanting me back, while talking to me with the outmost disrespect on text and calls
My divorce attorney gave me some of the best advice I've ever received. He saw that I was a 40 yr old woman who had 2 sons entering high school. I was willing to take a job anywhere to "get out" of the emotionally abusive relationship I was in. My attorney recommended I go to school, to achieve my dream of becoming a pastry chef while still married....since I wasn't planning on getting into another relationship any time soon. It seemed impossible to do, but I did it! A week later, I was enrolled in culinary school, graduated a year after and still chose to divorce my ex, since therapy got us nowhere. It's now 10 years later, and I realize that the attorney helped me to see I didn't need to settle for "survival " but rather to go after my dreams. So, please don't be afraid, but rather put your dreams in your focus, you'll do whatever it takes to get there! You can do it! I did. 💜
Omg, if you read this just please know I needed to hear this, this is where I feel I need to go too but I am having fear in doing it, but I know thats what I need to do.
Do it, please focus on YOURSELF, not him. You have to be selfish and take care of yourself! Do it for you, nothing will change, you have to be proactive for your self!
Anybody watching this who does the following or has a partner who does. hit their children / argues with spouse/ is feeling very low in verge of divorce PLEASE WATCH my videos about getting rid of negative energy. Peace from England UK
What a fantastic video! 30 min in he expresses the beauty of the problem. Then at 30:45 Lewis asks the bottom line question, what are solutions? It comes down to Great communication. Clear, honest, candid, pragmatic real etc. "How many times a week do you think sex should happen?" Yesssss! Then he says some standard things like, The opposite of Love is not hate, because hate means that you still care. The opposite of love is Indifference... you just dont care anymore. So many nuggets of wisdom. Be fearless to communicate honestly, fairly, candidly, real, straight forward and pragmaticly etc.
You can talk all the "communication?" in the world (aka talk) but there needs to be actions that follow. Some people just don't know how no matter how many times they are asked, told, taught, shown, begged to etc.... And then it comes Don to what rcblakes on UA-cam talks about with people not doing things right in choosing their lifelong mates and then just have to let go and move on. 20years is plenty long to waste a life of trying and at the expense of the kids not having a better future. Sometimes its time to let go for some people.
People change. You marry one person at 20, you obviously change and grow (or some people - change and not grow), but so does your partner. So you end up married to a completely different person at 40 and as long as you both grow and change together in a compatible way and care for each other, marriage can be actually really beautiful thing.
Agreed. And sometimes those changes are going to be painful, and sometimes you will want to throw in the towel, but working through those things is how you grow together.
I agree but when only one person changes and the other person stays the same and mad because you're changing. One person changing to not serve the other constantly and stand up for themselves, doesn't work.
Therapists have a different role. You don't pay them for advice. They are helping you discover your own voice. Though, you can buy a book written by a therapist for advice.
@GunsAndPoker I think that's unnecessarily pessimistic. If you mean death yes we all die. But while we are alive it's on us to make sure we are being the best version of ourselves and not zombie sleepwalking through life. No judgment. I say this to myself too.
I am single and an attorney. My daughter is also a lawyer, but we weren't familiar with James Sexton. I became aware of him a few days ago after one of his videos popped up on my feed. I was impressed and sent that video to friends and fellow lawyers. In addition, the video motivated me to listen to his book on Audible. His views on relationships, marriage, and divorce are compelling.
Great interview! As someone who has been married almost 30 years and almost didn't make it a few years ago for us communication is key. Thankfully we went to therapy and learned how to communicate better and we make each other a priority. We enjoy being with one another. Life is good!
Great talk. Married 20 years at 43 I can only emphazise that this man speaks the truth. We needed some 10 years to sort out what we didn't talk about as we got together until we were on the right track again, so listen to this man. Its all about connection and not loosing the small things, the affection and the signs that you DO still care, even if you are going through a rough patch. And keep that sex life up, it will help you through every crisis that you can at least still connect on that level every night.
@@barbaraskamer9195 Being best friends is the underlying theme of every long lasting relationship, but if it is all you have, then a best friend relationship WITH sex will be preferable and that means you put your relationship at risk. There is just no reason to loose that juicy passion for each other, if you really care about your partner. Make an effort, don't just let it go. Of course I don't know how old are you, but I just got 46 and can tell you I still want to have sex around two times a day to be perfectly happy.
@Edwoods Philosophy or, just stop using bad relationships as the only possible models, become a person worthy of love and respect and find someone similar of the opposite sex.
@Edwoods Philosophy what is dooring? You getting so defensive about a reasonable comment tells a lot about you, you don't believe your own bs. You've just been hurt. I think you can bounce back from that pain, I did too. I believe in you.
VivKittie32 Can see the logic & peaceful thing about MGTOW . only thing if u need an 1 aire like I do I need to get married & 2 make sure my bloodline survives
I’m getting ready to go through the war of my life as I just paid my attorney to get my divorce started. This video is everything! I wish I would’ve seen it years ago. Extremely insightful and illuminating. I am keeping this and rewatching again. So much good info and words to love by in here!
In the US....they USED to.....it was called Marriage and Family Living classes. (My mother used to teach them...back in the day) Some brilliant person decided they could be cut....because, yeah....no one needs to know what the f*ck they are doing when they agree to live with another person. /s
How about parents making thus part of their parenting To Dos when raising teens. They know 1st hand from their failures & successes in relationships. They can access shows like this onlibe, books, counselors even the church teaches a great premarital class (but yes that's for engaged couples who are too close to walking down the aisle & think they don't turn back).
I attended Marriage and Courtship, Human Sexuality, Child Development, and other classes in college on the side of my primary degree. Those classes proved far more valuable to my life path than any class for my major. (These classes may not be offered anymore but that was in 2004).
Successful couples have a ‘us against the world’ mentality. Once you got that you can negotiate on most things. However, attraction cannot be negotiated. You gotta keep yourself fit and desirable.
It's the little things. I reinforce the little things I like about my wife and try to do the little things to tell her I care. Last nite I volunteered to go get her a cookie and wait in line for 10 minutes to do it. Also I told her that her way of speaking was the first thing I was attracted to her about. When most of us think of the compliments we get over our life we don't ever forget them.
"attraction cannot be negotiated. You gotta keep yourself fit and desirable." I agree 100% and we all know that with age, attraction really cannot be negotiated and no matter how fit a woman keeps herself, she becomes less and less desirable as she grows old. Many marriages end when the husband starts to be attracted to younger partners.
"The three predominant states of egoic relationship are: wanting, thwarted wanting (anger, resentment, blaming, complaining), and indifference." Eckhart Tolle
I wish I would have heard this message 10 years ago, I wouldn't be in the situation I am now. Our communication broke down and we stopped caring about each others needs. This will truly help me in future relationships. Thank you
Wow. I'm only 12 minutes in, and I already think this should be mandatory viewing for any couple before they can get a marriage license! Really excellent, thought-provoking interview.
Hi baby Am Ben easygoing person I like good and do good I like friends that have understanding and fun to be with I love arts, museum and music l lunch luxury every Eve I compose poem and scripts am a civil engineer and a contractor I work for company and I work in Asia,africa,and Europe I need a woman who understands What love is all about, to be my own I saw your picture and I am impressed you're beautiful and baby you shines like a diamond springs In Sky nicely like flowers in the garden of Eden's I close my eyes all I is you at first sight I felt the energy of Sun rays angel'wings written love on it I love you so much baby I want a wonderful woman will love me and know who I am and be mine forever i hope You will reply soonest thanks.
This mature conversation about marriage is refreshing. Most people go into blame mode when the breakdown occurs, when the honest realization may be, you are two good people who are just vastly different.
James Sexton thank you for sharing your wisdom. You just gave me so so many insights into my past relationships. And most importantly where I went wrong.
The 3 truths that James Sexton has learnt from life:- 1) The hard thing and the right thing are almost the same. 2) It is all about connection. 3) Don’t take it so seriously. James Sexton definition of greatness:- Greatness is diving deeply into what you do, identifying the things that make you alive & connected.
A great time to be open to lessons on how to do it best! Congratulations. Wishing you a lifetime of happiness with your spouse. Just the fact that you’re taking the time to learn how to be married well is a great sign.
I love this guy! Best cliché s and straight shooter! He’s 100% real. Before anyone gets married, they should listen to him! Fabulous insight and valuable advice ❤
He says he’s not a philosopher but his pointing out every technology solves and creates problems is one of the deepest observations. Deeper than I’ve heard from any tech CEO.
I fell for the “marriage takes work” and “marriage is hard” line for over 20 years. The whole thing finally blew up when he killed himself to avoid jail after a serious attempt to beat me to death with a hardwood stick. No amount of work would have ever fixed it and there is a limit to hard anything should be. I should have run for my life years before.
@@mikolowiskamikolowiska4993 I would imagine it’s kind of hard to “do the work” with someone who has no regard for your safety or life...But that’s just me.
@@mikolowiskamikolowiska4993 people change. Some with head injuries or unknown illnesses can act violent or crazy. That can happen in the middle of a marriage.
My parents have been separated for several years now, and just recently my dad wants to file a divorce. It's always in the back of my mind not to repeat my parents mistakes, and this interview gave me a handful good insights that will help me in the future. Thank you Lewis for another amazing episode 👏❤❤
I know what you mean my folks have been separated for 11 years and and divorced for about 9 or so but they are not so amicable towards each other they are still experiencing ptsd cause they just lash out on one another they keep on talking about it. My ma even has banned pa from the house and even threatened him with restriction order and those things even now I'm 29 and my sister is 25 they keep on holding us hostage to take a side in the conflict. I find difficult even thinking about any kind of commitment and I really want to make myself responsible for my own life but keeping up with their BS just took a huge toll on me and I'm emotionally drained I even have to say that I'm burnt out.
I hope it works out. I personally am never getting married. I want a life partner, but I'm keeping the dumb contact crap away from it. Relationships are built on trust, not threats. To me, a marriage is a threat and an implication that I won't pay out fairly in the event of us going our separate ways. It's nonsense to me. I want to raise a kid and I'm not getting married to do so. I think everything should unfold organically. Let the red tape stifle some of my businesses, not my personal life, too. Government and all its contracts are completely inept. The whole structure is obsolete. Marriage, education, slaving for a corporation that doesn't care about you... All obsolete.
Fortunately, we DO have positive role models. They are the ones not coming through your office. I still want to be married to the man I married 43 years ago at the age of 18. You learn to adapt to changes through the years and your love adjusts and grows more comfortable. Accept your differences. Give each other the space you need, Dont expect perfection. Appreciate.
The DANGER of this conversation is vanity. They leave out God and that's the glue to all relationships no matter marriage, friends or the person in the grocery store.
Hi baby Am Ben easygoing person I like good and do good I like friends that have understanding and fun to be with I love arts, museum and music l lunch luxury every Eve I compose poem and scripts am a civil engineer and a contractor I work for company and I work in Asia,africa,and Europe I need a woman who understands What love is all about, to be my own I saw your picture and I am impressed you're beautiful and baby you shines like a diamond springs In Sky nicely like flowers in the garden of Eden's I close my eyes all I is you at first sight I felt the energy of Sun rays angel'wings written love on it I love you so much baby I want a wonderful woman will love me and know who I am and be mine forever i hope You will reply soonest thanks.
I started reading James Sexton's book in Barnes & Nobel and ended up grabbing a chair and reading the whole thing in one sitting. It was SO interesting.
Hi baby Am Ben easygoing person I like good and do good I like friends that have understanding and fun to be with I love arts, museum and music l lunch luxury every Eve I compose poem and scripts am a civil engineer and a contractor I work for company and I work in Asia,africa,and Europe I need a woman who understands What love is all about, to be my own I saw your picture and I am impressed you're beautiful and baby you shines like a diamond springs In Sky nicely like flowers in the garden of Eden's I close my eyes all I is you at first sight I felt the energy of Sun rays angel'wings written love on it I love you so much baby I want a wonderful woman will love me and know who I am and be mine forever i hope You will reply soonest thanks.
For those that are balking at a prenup, EVERYONE gets married with a prenup. It's either the one the state sets up for you, or one you decide for yourselves.
Agree to disagree with your definition of a preup. My parents didn't have prenup, my in-laws don't have a prenup, my spouse and I do not have a prenup, neither do my friends. I guess we are all planning on working things out and staying together.
@@luv2travel2000 key words "planning on working things out". Well I'm not planning on getting into an accident when I drive, so why bother with car insurance?
Absolutely loved this interview. So enlightning. As a person who loves love still, and as a divorced person still, such great advice. With one exception super important! Do not email hand write your "hit send now". communication. So so so important handwriting slows you down you have to really think about what you mean you can't just type 1,000,000 miles an hour and then fire it off. Hand write those kinds of delicate and intentional communications
No matter who you marry, there will be differences between the two of you. That’s the point: growth. Not white-knuckling but Learning to let go. No matter who you marry, both will change over the course of the marriage. The point is... do we CHOOSE to grow apart, or together. If a couple can be friends AFTER divorce, they certainly could have figured it out BEFORE divorce.
I'm inclined to think that way, but I've never been the one to get to that point, so I guess I can't really say. I have known of couples who've grown apart, stayed together, then fallen in love all over again. Beautiful for them.
Interesting, me and my husband do the email thing. It gives us both time to think and then talk about it candidly with no ill emotions. There is nothing more important than communication in a relationship. Sitting down and evaluating your finances every few weeks/months, evaluating your sex life, your time together or apart, telling each other hey - i need this or that right now - sounds absurdly simple, but it really is a foundation. Being honest, but gentle and loving and kind about it, so you can be truly heard.
Wow! I tell ya, there’s so much gold on UA-cam and this is one of it. 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 I can only imagine how many marriage this man saved in this single interview.
Wow. This was so encouraging with specifics on how to marriage right. I don't know many people who get married wanting it to fail. I really hope many of us American brothers and sisters pay attention to get this right. To do so could greatly beautify our minds and our nation. Lewis asked deep and though-provoking questions and James gave excellent answers. Thank you both. God bless
Awesome awesome talk. I use to work as a intimate relationship researcher, a lot of the stuff shared here is very in tandem with the empirical evidence in psychology.
Good interview! James Sexton has an engaging way to his personality. Thank you! I’ve completed two marriages and now just living my life to the fullest solo. No expectations but heart still open. 😊
My parents hung in thru some rough times(kids going thru adolecsnce, etc) and with sacrifice, they ended up with a solid connection that they stuck through, and we kids appreciated a solid and intact family until the end (they passed within 6 months of each other). Humanity is better because of sacrifice for the betterment of all, not "self-happiness"
I loved this episode. Many things of what James has said just confirmed what I always knew and spoke about but he also added many more new insights. So many people want things that last forever and marriage is one of them. That's impossible! I'll be listening to this episode again and again. Thank you both for a fantastic conversation.
Loved it. Makes you realize how ANY job you do can be a great place for observing people and learning from them. Also like how James isn't the typical divorce lawyer, I mean his tattoes, haircut and the way he talks.. Cool, really good interview, thank you for bringing him to the podcast, Lewis. Also, it's really nice how he's talking about your book and taking some examples from it. :)
Thanks so much for listening! Lewis' books (but particularly The Mask of Masculinity) are amazing and really influenced my view of many of the subjects that ended up in my book. So I'm glad we got to sit down together and discuss.
indeed that´s what I appreciate in my job: also having to do a lot with people and learning from the mistakes they made by preventing doing the things the way they did
I’m 32 and never been married for this exact reason. Every single person I’ve dated has been incapable and too immature to have the hard conversations needed prior to long term commitment. I just cannot for the life of me understand how people get married purely out of excitement rather than looking at the bigger picture.
Who knew this interview would actually be healing for me. It didn't make me feel like I am a failure being a single Mom never being married. I never wanted to be married...I just got these pregnancies and now these kids who are so beautiful. I have overcome so much and I am actually happy. I wish my kids had a Dad but just like the divorce rate more than 53% of these men out here aren't loving...
You said in a previous comment that you're living a lonely life... How can you be both happy and lonely? I know when I feel lonely, I'm not happy. You also mentioned that you've had over 200 boyfriends. How have none of those relationships "made you happy" ? As though these men are the source of your happiness? I don't mean to be rude. I grew up without a father and I believe it's best that your kids have a father figure in their lives. You're on UA-cam joking about your situation yet you're not even considering the PROFOUND impact that it will have on their development and their future! It makes me sad to think that you're only thinking of yourself. Children of single mothers are known to grow up with anger issues and a whole range of behavioral problems. Being a single mother is nothing to brag about... You're no longer living just for yourself. Your actions serve as the foundation for their lives and who they will become. They must respect you and see that you're in a caring, loving relationship. And you deserve it... I can't comment on what kind of mother you are and don't want to dismiss that you may be a great one. And by no means am I saying you aren't enough... Be well and please understand that I say this out of compassion.
You are deluding yourself. And lots of women can’t grasp this concept but there are lots of kind loving quality men out there. You either don’t appreciate them for some superficial reason or you can’t attract them bc of your inherent character.
No only an hour with a divorce lawyer before you get married but, a years couple and individual Therapy too. At 47, I don't regret never wanting to get married or having children. There's lots of adults who are really still kids at an emotional level getting married these days.
Aside from your interviews with Ester Perel, this is one of the BEST videos I have seen on relationships/dynamics of marriage. Thank you for this amazing video!
Such amazing content and what a great speaker. I’m not married but have been with my boyfriend 10 years and SO much of this applies. Can’t wait to get the book!
I loved this! Definitely think all couples should see a divorce lawyer before they get married. I’ve been with my husband 20 years, married for 11, I’d 100% do this again and choose him over everyone else. But this hasn’t been easy, we’ve had very dark moments. But we’ve worked at things and life got good again. We’re both from broken homes and knew, despite it all, we loved each other and wanted to make it work. But sometimes when the s**t hits the fan, the relationship is a choice you make. When the honeymoon period wares off or you’re going through tough times. You have to choose to work at it. But then you reap the rewards. That’s not to say i don’t think difficult times won’t crop up in future, but I think we’ll know how to handle them better. And if couples decide to call it a day then better leave it as friends than leave it hating each others guts.
My ex's way of conversing was just shutting down every serious uncomfortable conversation using his anxiety as an excuse. We didn't talk through anything. It was "too stressful" for him. K. I'm gonna go find someone who's not a child then.
Mine too… this is slowly draining my energy… pushing me slowly further away from him. Sadly but like they say you can’t change someone if they don’t think they need change
@@Shannon-pn1iv This is both wise and fair. In "Men are from Mars, women are from venus" he says that men need to go to their cave to think about it first.
This is a great video! I was married for 23 years and got divorced and found my soulmate. God gives us all a second chance. Everything he says here makes absolute sense. Divorce people can teach more about staying together because of our past mistakes.
You are 100 percent correct. My parents were married for 58 yrs. They were very helpful to each other. My dad told me," 80 percent of your happiness in your adult life will depend on the spouse you chose to marry. Married people who have similar backgrounds and religious beliefs have a better chance of success."
On his death bed he said," If I could live my life all over again I would marry the same girl only I would have more children. "
Even though my wife and I are from opposite sides of the world, from totally different backgrounds and religions, we've been together for 34 years. We are very similar in one critical way. We are not socialites and prefer to keep our own company. It works.
“Dad, were you not satisfied with the ones you had?”
Best Good Advice 👌👍😁
These are the wise words all those too damaged, too fearful, too selfish and too cynical need to hear. Bless them both, and thanks for sharing. 🥰
Thanks that great advice I have been heard ever
People lie to their therapist but they do not lie to their lawyer... that was powerful😄
I got a therapist ad in the meantime 😂 are they listening?
My ex wife lied to both, unfortunately liars seem to fair better than an honest person
it's very true
Yes!!!
If I had a therapist and was honest with them, I would be locked away in a padded cell within a week.
I fully agree with James Sexton. As a Trauma Therapist I like to mention though that we never talk about the root cause: Most people don't know themselves. They don't want to deal with their childhood wounds - and then they expect the other person to do the work. If we don't start adressing the root cause, start looking inside, these unhappy relationships will go on, and on...
Wisdom right here
Spot on!!! Get to know yourself and you will know others.
I couldn’t agree more. I also got married young and it wasn’t until my late 30s/early 40s that I could say that I really knew myself well. In fact, it was then that I made major career changes to align with what I had learned. Of course, if you don’t know yourself well, that’s probably true about your partner, as well. Now, you have two people that don’t even know themselves trying to figure out how to make it work. Add in life’s many stresses, along with a health dose of poor communication skills and you have the result that most people are pretty miserable in marriage.
I agree with you but also I think people need to take responsibility for themselves.
True
I’ve been very happily married over 20 years and marriages can’t last on just love.
As long as neither person has a personality disorder the following is my take on how to have a long, HAPPY marriage.
1) you both must have, or must develop, a similar work ethic. So both lazy, both work hard, or both somewhere in the middle.
2). Always respect your husband/wife. If they behave in a manner where you lose some respect for them, discuss it and act on it immediately. Because as soon as you lose respect big problems follow.
The trust/ respect thing is HUGE
Wondering why you clicked on this video then
What if someone *does* have a personality disorder? Or both people?
You're soooo right!!!!! My husband and I have an incredibly rocky and unhappy marriage and 1. He thinks I'm lazy because I cannot do a lot due to severe health issues and I think he's lazy because he's a slob and can't keep a job.
2. I've lost respect for him because he lies about everything almost every single day, he can't keep any commitments, he doesn't hardly EVER want sex, he doesn't spend time with me or the kids, he won't have a single discussion with me about anything that really matters, and he's cold and indifferent about my health problems and being on death's doorstep several times.
He doesn't respect me because I ended up with all these health problems, have severe depression now because of our circumstances, I can't do much to help around the house or as much as he thinks I should be doing and he doesn't like me spending any money on basically, anything.
I don't know how to fix any of this.
I would not pick him out of a crowded room and I know he would not pick me, either.
@@apersonwiththoughts It will be toxic on a whole new level. Boundaries will be crossed constantly. The disordered one will play the victim in almost every situation. They will shift blame when they cross your boundaries. Gaslighting will most likely occur as well. The things they do behind your back are unthinkable. If you stay in a relationship with someone like this it means you most likely have issues as well. Codependency being that issue. There's alot of great content on youtube about relationships with narcissistic, psychopathic, and borderline individuals.
Wow. I've been married for 20+ years, happily. He's my bunk mate and buddy. I'm really grateful for our chemistry that has stuck. It's been an incredible fun journey and now we are growing old together. But it's still fun! Lucky me!
I love this comment!! You guys are both blessed.
@hd31 lol what are u on about mate
@hd31 I dont understand how you are gathering all that from what she wrote...
@hd31LMAO
Your bunk mate? Can you translate please lol
There's something so beautiful about growing with a person though, seeing the different versions of them through different life stages over the years. There's so much depth that comes from a committed relationship like that.
🥰
Unless they're mean and critical. Then they slowly morph into an uglier and uglier monster, with scary, evil looking eyes. 👀
@@michaeldautry Right, people will throw up obstacles to prevent progress on your part because they know you'll leave them when you have options.
@@michaeldautry The way I see it is through the commitment of "till death do us part", you're ideally free to grow and change be your best selves, and know you'll each be supported and can support each other without having the threat of being left because marriage = commitment to not leave. Why wouldn't you want your partner to thrive and up the amazingness average of your duo? :) But I could see how people's insecurities could seep in if the foundation of the marriage isn't the #1 priority.
@@heyeilise in reality though sometimes it will not be thriving up, some of these stages are going to be hard, dark stages. I for one suffered from debilitating post partum depression after one of my children. It was a difficult time in our marriage. We overcame it, I have healed, but some stages aren't going to be thriving and doing well. But both are valuable, there is a lot of growth in the difficult phases as well.
Wow James is a great speaker! He's verbally clear, explains things in a way the audience can understand, and his body language is really engaging! Bravo
Steff - thanks so much for your kind words! I hope you enjoy the book! All the best!
Please can we chat privately if you don't mind
@@rocklanddivorce Do you give your fans advice?
Lawyers need to be great speakers and writers! They are extremely gifted.
I agree.
As a well-known divorce lawyer in Pennsylvania, I agree 100% with what Mr. Sexton states in this video. Great content. Thank you for conducting this interview, Lewis Howes.
do you know anyone good in MA?
I live in philly and i wanna know in the state of pa is it worth getting married for a man??
@MGTOW individualist . please go away. ty
@MGTOW individualist Woh someone hurt your real bad buddy. I am sorry but you will be alright
Sir, do prenups work?
This Guy needs to have his own show immediately!
Definitely!.. just watched him on Soft White Underbelly channel
I assure you he is working an angle...
with two deli secretaries
Where to find relationship role models: Volunteer at Retirement homes and find the couple who is still holding hands and talk to them
Your comment is very impressive. I mean no insult but it's not often I hear speak godly wisdom.
Good point!!
Exactly. This lawyer doesn't know how to succeed. He only knows why people fail.
And have you? What’s their advice?
RW
Yeah, it’s advice of don’t do this. Try the opposite of what fails it’s simple logic, but really hard to do.
He gave me chills when he said was there a moment you knew relationship was over
Yup! That's so strange when you reflect on those time. Cos after a bit of time you let it go. Then it happens again. Another red flag.
It's so true though deep down inside it's true.
now that I think about it i think that applies to friendships too
I’m not married yet it and it’s lucky that I came by and listen to this wonderful insightful interview! Perfect.
LISTENING TO THIS GUY only validates our egp.
Your relationship with your panter is one of emotional trust.
Leaning in, where it counts, to the Others concerns, fear, sadness or longing, is where we ALL Long to Live, and is Ultimately, albeit, our Quality of Life.
Re: Differant Interests
Share in each Others Meaningful & Novelty activities...
Make a list amd swap them for Valentine's dau.
Your new experiences together IS the Endless honeymoon...like when you first met, everything was new.
Re: Growing Apart
Take an intetest in supporting your partners creativity and interests...
Of course, your purpose in life and tastes in life should be different.
But connecting in the co-creation of your marriage is what it is about.
And showi.g up, co-resourcefully during frustrating times, in woethy pursuit of your Highest good.
What i hear, here, is a person who cannot give marital advice whatsoever.
The myth called 'chemistry'
Is all about "attachment styles', and the discord of repeating disconnection is underpinned by emotional wiring at a pre-verbal.age.
Self-reflection is the key to Self healing, as the majority of failed relationships are due to our consitioned respomses we brought into our relationships and egoic judgement of the Other for causing oyr feelings.
Attachment, Amir Levine is opens up the world of understanding all of our behaviours.
Intergenerational osmosis,
(It Didn't start With You)
peer acceptance, (Tony Robbins) investment theory (John Gottman, the Science of Trust, and the path to ending all suffering through awareness of awareness, (The Power of Now). I am pro-marriage.
It only takes One, is true.
ALLL of Gary Chapmans books are magnificent and original.
The 5 love langiages and 5 langiages of Apology.
In psychotherapy these days it is midstream to teach you about the Ego Mind, left brain, where most men were forced to live. In truth, self awareness (The Chimp.Paradox) is the most important factor to our health, connection with Others, and living with Meaning purpose and experimentally imjoying LIFE. What do we really want in Life(? Five Wishes, Gay Hendricks.
May all find inner peace and be truly happy in.Your Selves, and love the Other as they need, not as We think or prefer they need, with genuine compassion and empathy. Agapé or loving kindness. There's No Time to Lose, as they say. All the BEST 🙏🌻🙂
I could listen to this man talk for hours. He is beyond well spoken, talented at his craft and can hold the attention of a crowded stadium. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
Yes he's very engaging & knowledgeable.
And sexy AF damn 🔥
You're right. This is my second video of him talking about marriage and divorce. He's very knowledgeable.
You know, sometimes engaged couples would go to talk to their priests or ministers about marriage advice? They should go to this guy instead.
I’m a personal trainer. 99%+ people fail at fitness. Is it a broken technology? No. It’s just that most people have no idea what they’re doing. You don’t build a solid house by randomly hitting nails and planks; there’s principles, methods and techniques behind it. I don’t think marriage is broken, I think people partly uneducated about it and also need to be aware of the challenges of this day and age.
Laws of nature govern fitness, laws of men created marriage
@@BronnBlackwater if you understood that both are the same, that's not what I said. My point is that both have rules and you need to learn them before expecting a positive outcome.
Bodybuilding technology isn't broken, marriage technology is a lottery with 50+% chances to lose half of your possessions and get emotionally wrecked. So if the risks are that high, I ask myself, what benefits outweigh such tremendous risks? Having a partner, feeling secure, feeling of belonging, sex etc. For me personally the risks outweigh the benefits, you can have sex/feel secure etc. by having good friends. So my opinion that it is broken
@@MrSilver222 exactly
Fred Chevry no one gives a fuck what you do man. We are on some divorce shit.
his advice was so honest and profound but at the same time practical, reaching into the everyday life. i thought i would be depressed after listening to this podcast, but on the contrary, i feel more equiped to deal with the outcomes of life
@Thunder Life no that's too black and white. You can choose not to get married of course but we need relationships like we need air and water. So you need to have your head on straight to make any relationship work.
It's okay to say, "i like you alot" some days.
I can not give this gentleman enough credit for his honesty and fairness towards both genres. This episode was worth every minute and I salute both guys for putting this genuine and unbiased conversation for us to digest. 🙏
🧡
Totally agree
Lewis, could you do more interviews with lawyers or judges, please? Everyone has doctors or athletes on their podcasts, but most people don't invite lawyers/judges.
Greetings from Germany
Gina L I agree
I second this
Ask why bar Association are against equal shared parenting bill and how loopholes in title iv d gives state government monetary incentives to keep kids from getting equal access to parents under the FAKE claim of best interest of children
Your an idiot
Great fucking idea!
When he said "f you consider paying attention hard, you will consider marriage hard", what he meant by "paying attention" is "mindful/present/awake to life". We can SO easily turn off our presence and just coast. It takes tremendous presence to stay awake and mindful throughout life. It's so much easier to just turn away.
I believe that applies to all relationships
Interesting comment. It deserves much thought and an insightful reply. I’m taking time to acknowledge that. But I had a long day at work and I’m tired. I really hope you understand. LOL!
Kidding not kidding.
This!!
Marriage breaks down because people want to change the other person more than they want to work on themselves.
I partly agree
And those people are usually women.
@@doubledollarman2727 as controlling as men can be with their wives, you have to know that’s not true.
Marriage ( not all marriage) brake down in my opinion because of adultery !!! And the adulterous spouse that does it is usually the one that never grew up as an heathy adult!!
@@joannthornton8584 agreed.
What's really great about this interview was not just the insight provided by the lawyer, but also how smart the questions the interviewer was asking! they both know what they're doing.. very refreshing :)
The Skylar How odd, I saw it totally differently. Lewis kept looking at James' book or his list of questions, was not looking at James as James was speaking and generally looked and seemed totally uninterested. I have not seen either man before so this may be the standard routine for Lewis' show but it spoiled it for me. James was a great guest and very interesting to listen to.
@@pegsbarton6353 Wow...I had the same feeling, its interesting how you also picked that up
Wow, James... this was such a real and transparent talk. Really enjoyed your insights... thanks for having him on the podcast, Lewis!
Thanks so much! Thanks for listening.
Ask your children how the feel about your needs....divorce is fine until you have children. Disappointing interview
Laura Hamilton - Divorce can be very hard for children. It’s not something anyone should enter into lightly. That’s why my book is about how to prevent it.
James J Sexton , thank you for your reply. I appreciate your sensitivity and applaud your initiative to write your book. My contention is "that divorce can be very hard for children." Divorce is very hard for children. This perspective gives more gravitas to the effect on children potentially cause pause. Our culture has dulled to the effects of divorce on children. It's a worthy point to emphasize the ubiquitous negative outcomes to children regardless of age. Thank you for the opportunity to dialogue.
You're very welcome. I can tell, from your comment and reply that you're attuned to the issue of the impact of divorce on children and I applaud you for that. A significant portion of my practice, for the last 18 years, has been representing children who are "in the middle" of high conflict custody litigation between their parents as a member of the "Attorneys for Children" panel in the New York State Unified Court System. Talking to the children I represent in that capacity has really taught me a ton about how children experience not only divorce but also how they experience parental conflict (in parents who are divorcing or even in parents who have remained married but are having significant conflicts in the presence of their children or that their children are aware of). If you haven't read it - there's an excellent book you might appreciate and find aligned with your perspective (from your reply above). It's called "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce - A 25 Year Landmark Study" by Judith Wallerstein. It talks about how parental divorce impacts children both during childhood and in their own formulation and perception of romantic relationships as adults. Thanks again for the comment and for taking the time to dialogue. This is precisely why I love working with Lewis. He's got listeners who are genuinely interested, just as Lewis is, in learning, growing and having respectful and intelligent dialogue that respects differing perspectives and seeks common ground. We need more of that in this world. Thanks again for listening and for taking the time to write. -JS
He's right about the opposite of love being indifference. I think the more you love someone, the more you can hate him/her. You can't hate someone you don't give a shit about
I wish I get to see video I'm getting no connection playback I'd zpZrOANT wxhh3QTI
"The three predominant states of egoic relationship are: wanting, thwarted wanting (anger, resentment, blaming, complaining), and indifference." Eckhart Tolle
That's because people have love wrong. Love isnt a feeling. Feelings are emotions.
Love is the act of the will.
The dedication to the purpose.
@@olandofuller5588 I agree! Love is not a feeling. Love is a choice to do what is best for ones beloved. We choose to love.
This is why God created us with free will, so that we have the ability to love.
Indifference for a woman comes easily as another man/men entering her life.
Personally I think big weddings are a waste of money.
Lewis Howes Thank you! This is so good, I’ll probably listen to it all over again.
agree with you! I really would like to have a small, cozy wedding with family and closest friends, but I have more than 100 relatives who would get offended if we didnt invite them. So we just not gonna have our weddings since the expences are too big ((
Guzel, elope then throw a party for the relatives when you and hubby get back. Should save tons of $ that way =)
Guzel Rakhmet
What about eloping and then having a chill party/reception a month or so later?
MGTOW individualist
🤣
This was a perfect interview. The interviewer had a great way of asking questions, contributing to the conversation, but largely staying out of the way and the guest was very competent, interesting, and had so many thoughtful things to say. A perfect interview.
Couldn't agree more.
Awesome interview.
Aptly said.
A definitive answer to to those who think that a lawyer does not have a heart when choosing this profession. This man, having perfected his craft, is a loving father and a respectful ex-husband. He has a great humanity and integrity.
Why did his marriage fail then?
Also loved his Soft White Belly interview.
@@intuitivefugitive8852 He said cause he is a great ex husband and parent.
THIS DOESN'T HAVE 1 MIL VIEWS YET?? I'm not even married and I find this conversation fascinating and educational.
It still needs to go viral!
People also need to be educated on narcissistic and other cluster b disorders.
Yes, this is something that a lot of people aren't aware of going into marriage!
Very good point
100
I am just dealing with the closings of that situation now as I'm watching this vid. Awesome vid but your point does give a unique twist to all of this.
My ex has narcissistic disorder. He was great at hiding, and I didn’t know that disorder existed, so I’d ignore it. Fast forward a year after separating, and he is still sending me long thesis-sized emails apologizing and wanting me back, while talking to me with the outmost disrespect on text and calls
My divorce attorney gave me some of the best advice I've ever received.
He saw that I was a 40 yr old woman who had 2 sons entering high school. I was willing to take a job anywhere to "get out" of the emotionally abusive relationship I was in.
My attorney recommended I go to school, to achieve my dream of becoming a pastry chef while still married....since I wasn't planning on getting into another relationship any time soon.
It seemed impossible to do, but I did it! A week later, I was enrolled in culinary school, graduated a year after and still chose to divorce my ex, since therapy got us nowhere.
It's now 10 years later, and I realize that the attorney helped me to see I didn't need to settle for "survival " but rather to go after my dreams.
So, please don't be afraid, but rather put your dreams in your focus, you'll do whatever it takes to get there! You can do it! I did. 💜
Omg, if you read this just please know I needed to hear this, this is where I feel I need to go too but I am having fear in doing it, but I know thats what I need to do.
Do it, please focus on YOURSELF, not him. You have to be selfish and take care of yourself! Do it for you, nothing will change, you have to be proactive for your self!
How did it feel when you hit "The Wall"? What is your SMV now?
🧢
Were you raised by a single mother household ?
"No single rain drop is responsible for the flood"
🤯
Anybody watching this who does the following or has a partner who does. hit their children / argues with spouse/ is feeling very low in verge of divorce PLEASE WATCH my videos about getting rid of negative energy. Peace from England UK
Hi you’re into Asea! good for you
@@martinmoylan9394 yes I am! It has helped my health in so many ways! How did it help yours?
They ALL are.
What a fantastic video! 30 min in he expresses the beauty of the problem. Then at 30:45 Lewis asks the bottom line question, what are solutions?
It comes down to Great communication. Clear, honest, candid, pragmatic real etc.
"How many times a week do you think sex should happen?" Yesssss!
Then he says some standard things like, The opposite of Love is not hate, because hate means that you still care. The opposite of love is Indifference... you just dont care anymore. So many nuggets of wisdom. Be fearless to communicate honestly, fairly, candidly, real, straight forward and pragmaticly etc.
You can talk all the "communication?" in the world (aka talk) but there needs to be actions that follow. Some people just don't know how no matter how many times they are asked, told, taught, shown, begged to etc.... And then it comes Don to what rcblakes on UA-cam talks about with people not doing things right in choosing their lifelong mates and then just have to let go and move on. 20years is plenty long to waste a life of trying and at the expense of the kids not having a better future. Sometimes its time to let go for some people.
People change. You marry one person at 20, you obviously change and grow (or some people - change and not grow), but so does your partner. So you end up married to a completely different person at 40 and as long as you both grow and change together in a compatible way and care for each other, marriage can be actually really beautiful thing.
Agreed. And sometimes those changes are going to be painful, and sometimes you will want to throw in the towel, but working through those things is how you grow together.
I agree but when only one person changes and the other person stays the same and mad because you're changing. One person changing to not serve the other constantly and stand up for themselves, doesn't work.
He is better than any therapist out there! Tells you straight up how it is and will be.
Therapists have a different role. You don't pay them for advice. They are helping you discover your own voice. Though, you can buy a book written by a therapist for advice.
Greatness is continually meeting the darkness and saying, "You don't own me."
@GunsAndPoker I think that's unnecessarily pessimistic. If you mean death yes we all die. But while we are alive it's on us to make sure we are being the best version of ourselves and not zombie sleepwalking through life. No judgment. I say this to myself too.
@GunsAndPoker if that's way you feel then I feel bad for you. I really do. I hope you heal from whatever pain you're in.
@GunsAndPoker yup no judgment because I will be first to admit. I did that for a long long period in my life.
I am single and an attorney. My daughter is also a lawyer, but we weren't familiar with James Sexton. I became aware of him a few days ago after one of his videos popped up on my feed. I was impressed and sent that video to friends and fellow lawyers.
In addition, the video motivated me to listen to his book on Audible. His views on relationships, marriage, and divorce are compelling.
Great interview! As someone who has been married almost 30 years and almost didn't make it a few years ago for us communication is key. Thankfully we went to therapy and learned how to communicate better and we make each other a priority. We enjoy being with one another. Life is good!
wow TwiLin13 congrats on 30 years! Hubby and I are on 23 yrs and I agree that clear open honest communication is deff key! =)
nice to hear something good
"The hard thing to do, and the right thing to do are almost always the same thing."
Great talk. Married 20 years at 43 I can only emphazise that this man speaks the truth. We needed some 10 years to sort out what we didn't talk about as we got together until we were on the right track again, so listen to this man. Its all about connection and not loosing the small things, the affection and the signs that you DO still care, even if you are going through a rough patch. And keep that sex life up, it will help you through every crisis that you can at least still connect on that level every night.
Part of the problem here IS the sex ... I'm doomed
Every night? 😂
once the sex goes away. The relationship is over... Get out as soon as you can.
@@Starfish2145at least 3-4times a week. Preferably nightly.
@@barbaraskamer9195 Being best friends is the underlying theme of every long lasting relationship, but if it is all you have, then a best friend relationship WITH sex will be preferable and that means you put your relationship at risk.
There is just no reason to loose that juicy passion for each other, if you really care about your partner. Make an effort, don't just let it go.
Of course I don't know how old are you, but I just got 46 and can tell you I still want to have sex around two times a day to be perfectly happy.
I'm 19 and have never been in a relationship and yet......here I am....watching a youtube video on marriage
Good. Better to go into the future with eyes wide open than to be Princess Diana married to someone that isn't prince charming.
You need two well intentioned people willing to be kindly honest when necessary and choose to assume the best overall.
@@merryhall3722 🤗🤗🤗
@Edwoods Philosophy or, just stop using bad relationships as the only possible models, become a person worthy of love and respect and find someone similar of the opposite sex.
@Edwoods Philosophy what is dooring? You getting so defensive about a reasonable comment tells a lot about you, you don't believe your own bs. You've just been hurt. I think you can bounce back from that pain, I did too. I believe in you.
My boyfriend(who has been divorced) dumped me a week ago and for some reason this video makes me feel so much better about it....
consequently, this video makes me feel better about having dumped my ex... i didn't do it just to be a jerk
MGTOW individualist
Oh it’s that manist dude again..
Trust me he must have seen thr video before you..he made the right choice lol
VivKittie32 Can see the logic & peaceful thing about MGTOW . only thing if u need an 1 aire like I do I need to get married & 2 make sure my bloodline survives
If you're a women in America your blessed by the government when it doesn't work out your lucky
I’m getting ready to go through the war of my life as I just paid my attorney to get my divorce started. This video is everything! I wish I would’ve seen it years ago. Extremely insightful and illuminating. I am keeping this and rewatching again. So much good info and words to love by in here!
This kind of stuff should be taught in schools.
In the US....they USED to.....it was called Marriage and Family Living classes. (My mother used to teach them...back in the day) Some brilliant person decided they could be cut....because, yeah....no one needs to know what the f*ck they are doing when they agree to live with another person. /s
By a sleeveless therapist though.
How about parents making thus part of their parenting To Dos when raising teens. They know 1st hand from their failures & successes in relationships. They can access shows like this onlibe, books, counselors even the church teaches a great premarital class (but yes that's for engaged couples who are too close to walking down the aisle & think they don't turn back).
It won’t because marriage is such a racket.
I attended Marriage and Courtship, Human Sexuality, Child Development, and other classes in college on the side of my primary degree. Those classes proved far more valuable to my life path than any class for my major. (These classes may not be offered anymore but that was in 2004).
He's such a great speaker. I could listen to him talk forever...
Successful couples have a ‘us against the world’ mentality. Once you got that you can negotiate on most things. However, attraction cannot be negotiated. You gotta keep yourself fit and desirable.
It's the little things. I reinforce the little things I like about my wife and try to do the little things to tell her I care. Last nite I volunteered to go get her a cookie and wait in line for 10 minutes to do it. Also I told her that her way of speaking was the first thing I was attracted to her about. When most of us think of the compliments we get over our life we don't ever forget them.
"attraction cannot be negotiated. You gotta keep yourself fit and desirable." I agree 100% and we all know that with age, attraction really cannot be negotiated and no matter how fit a woman keeps herself, she becomes less and less desirable as she grows old. Many marriages end when the husband starts to be attracted to younger partners.
Wow. I rarely comment on videos. This is just too compelling, too informative to not express praise to this attorney. Excellent interview.
He's right the opposite of love is indifference.
Thanks to womens sex toys and mens internet sex connections!!
"The three predominant states of egoic relationship are: wanting, thwarted wanting (anger, resentment, blaming, complaining), and indifference." Eckhart Tolle
@@Misslotusification that man is God in human form in today's world
@@UltimateForceMarketing What about women's sex toys?
I wish I would have heard this message 10 years ago, I wouldn't be in the situation I am now. Our communication broke down and we stopped caring about each others needs. This will truly help me in future relationships. Thank you
True
Wow. I'm only 12 minutes in, and I already think this should be mandatory viewing for any couple before they can get a marriage license! Really excellent, thought-provoking interview.
Hi baby Am Ben easygoing person I like good and do good I like friends that have understanding and fun to be with I love arts, museum and music l lunch luxury every Eve I compose poem and scripts am a civil engineer and a contractor I work for company and I work in Asia,africa,and Europe I need a woman who understands What love is all about, to be my own I saw your picture and I am impressed you're beautiful and baby you shines like a diamond springs In Sky nicely like flowers in the garden of Eden's I close my eyes all I is you at first sight I felt the energy of Sun rays angel'wings written love on it I love you so much baby I want a wonderful woman will love me and know who I am and be mine forever i hope You will reply soonest thanks.
True
This guy speaks the truth. Such honest insight! Also enjoyed the tattoos peeking out from his sleeves.
They tend to pop out everywhere but in the courtroom. Thanks for listening Kellie!
This mature conversation about marriage is refreshing. Most people go into blame mode when the breakdown occurs, when the honest realization may be, you are two good people who are just vastly different.
So glad you enjoyed it! Appreciate you for watching.
James Sexton thank you for sharing your wisdom. You just gave me so so many insights into my past relationships. And most importantly where I went wrong.
That last sentence means GROWTH... Good for you
The 3 truths that James Sexton has learnt from life:-
1) The hard thing and the right thing are almost the same.
2) It is all about connection.
3) Don’t take it so seriously.
James Sexton definition of greatness:-
Greatness is diving deeply into what you do, identifying the things that make you alive & connected.
I am 7 minutes into this video and I think he is one of the cleverest people.
He's smart, clear, frank, honest, helpful.
Communicating openly and being assertive about your needs and wants is the key to a healthy marriage- thanks Mr. Sexton
Five more months before I say, "I do." Thank you for such an insightful and informative episode. Just in time!!!!
A great time to be open to lessons on how to do it best! Congratulations. Wishing you a lifetime of happiness with your spouse. Just the fact that you’re taking the time to learn how to be married well is a great sign.
Shamekia Jenkins i think you'll make a great wife!!! Xo
Awwww, thank you so much! Your words of encouragement really mean a lot to me...XoXoX
Still engaged?
Still married?
I love this guy! Best cliché s and straight shooter! He’s 100% real. Before anyone gets married, they should listen to him! Fabulous insight and valuable advice ❤
Great podcast! It's also great to hear from a divorce lawyer who still has faith in marriage!
I am amazed by how many couples don't ask questions prior to marriage, especially how many kids or if they want kids!!! It's unreal!
He says he’s not a philosopher but his pointing out every technology solves and creates problems is one of the deepest observations. Deeper than I’ve heard from any tech CEO.
Totally
I read this book and it was incredible! I never enjoyed reading for fun but I love this book. This book should be given to every couple.
I fell for the “marriage takes work” and “marriage is hard” line for over 20 years. The whole thing finally blew up when he killed himself to avoid jail after a serious attempt to beat me to death with a hardwood stick. No amount of work would have ever fixed it and there is a limit to hard anything should be. I should have run for my life years before.
Yeah it would if you had taken the time to do the work BEFORE making the commitment
Wow I’m so sorry you went through this. Happy you survived 💓
I’m so sorry you went through what you did, but I’m glad you are free now. God bless you, Peggy. 💕
@@mikolowiskamikolowiska4993 I would imagine it’s kind of hard to “do the work” with someone who has no regard for your safety or life...But that’s just me.
@@mikolowiskamikolowiska4993 people change. Some with head injuries or unknown illnesses can act violent or crazy. That can happen in the middle of a marriage.
Turning your lover into your relative. Excelent definition of marriage.
And great business partners if not your workmate
Turned my husband into my "favorite brother" , all is good, divorced after 36 years.
@@northdakotagirl2179 from the lover to the husband to the brother ....
I like thinking that life is a comedy
This is a big reason why I even stumbled upon this video 🙁
Where I'm from, people turn relatives into their lovers 😟
I'm not married nor in a relationship but here 😂
...same... but a year after your comment. Still single? Have you found a partner yet? Best of luck either way. #LastingLove 😘
Same
Run like the wind, Bongi. Run all the way home.
Prevention is the best cure! Lol
If your still single, I bet you're happy!
My parents have been separated for several years now, and just recently my dad wants to file a divorce. It's always in the back of my mind not to repeat my parents mistakes, and this interview gave me a handful good insights that will help me in the future.
Thank you Lewis for another amazing episode 👏❤❤
I know what you mean my folks have been separated for 11 years and and divorced for about 9 or so but they are not so amicable towards each other they are still experiencing ptsd cause they just lash out on one another they keep on talking about it. My ma even has banned pa from the house and even threatened him with restriction order and those things even now I'm 29 and my sister is 25 they keep on holding us hostage to take a side in the conflict. I find difficult even thinking about any kind of commitment and I really want to make myself responsible for my own life but keeping up with their BS just took a huge toll on me and I'm emotionally drained I even have to say that I'm burnt out.
One of the most amazing interviews I have ever watched! As a divorced woman, thank you so much for your wealth of knowledge and amazing insight.
I got married at 20. I understand it’s gonna be a lifetime of learning. I hope that we both put in the effort to make our marriage last.
Andrea Roberts how are you today
I hope it works out. I personally am never getting married. I want a life partner, but I'm keeping the dumb contact crap away from it. Relationships are built on trust, not threats. To me, a marriage is a threat and an implication that I won't pay out fairly in the event of us going our separate ways. It's nonsense to me.
I want to raise a kid and I'm not getting married to do so. I think everything should unfold organically. Let the red tape stifle some of my businesses, not my personal life, too. Government and all its contracts are completely inept. The whole structure is obsolete. Marriage, education, slaving for a corporation that doesn't care about you... All obsolete.
😂😂😂
Aligned Frequency I’m great! I don’t get notifications so I saw this 4 months late lol. We are 3 years into marriage. Doing awesome.
manictiger to each their own! I hope things work out the way you want them to!
Fortunately, we DO have positive role models. They are the ones not coming through your office. I still want to be married to the man I married 43 years ago at the age of 18. You learn to adapt to changes through the years and your love adjusts and grows more comfortable. Accept your differences. Give each other the space you need, Dont expect perfection. Appreciate.
Thank you for your testimony! This restores faith in marriage.
This generation is stuck on vanity.
The DANGER of this conversation is vanity. They leave out God and that's the glue to all relationships no matter marriage, friends or the person in the grocery store.
Hi baby Am Ben easygoing person I like good and do good I like friends that have understanding and fun to be with I love arts, museum and music l lunch luxury every Eve I compose poem and scripts am a civil engineer and a contractor I work for company and I work in Asia,africa,and Europe I need a woman who understands What love is all about, to be my own I saw your picture and I am impressed you're beautiful and baby you shines like a diamond springs In Sky nicely like flowers in the garden of Eden's I close my eyes all I is you at first sight I felt the energy of Sun rays angel'wings written love on it I love you so much baby I want a wonderful woman will love me and know who I am and be mine forever i hope You will reply soonest thanks.
I have learned more from this guy than any therapist or counselor. Thank you for speaking the truth. Will be buying his book!
I started reading James Sexton's book in Barnes & Nobel and ended up grabbing a chair and reading the whole thing in one sitting. It was SO interesting.
Hi baby Am Ben easygoing person I like good and do good I like friends that have understanding and fun to be with I love arts, museum and music l lunch luxury every Eve I compose poem and scripts am a civil engineer and a contractor I work for company and I work in Asia,africa,and Europe I need a woman who understands What love is all about, to be my own I saw your picture and I am impressed you're beautiful and baby you shines like a diamond springs In Sky nicely like flowers in the garden of Eden's I close my eyes all I is you at first sight I felt the energy of Sun rays angel'wings written love on it I love you so much baby I want a wonderful woman will love me and know who I am and be mine forever i hope You will reply soonest thanks.
For those that are balking at a prenup, EVERYONE gets married with a prenup. It's either the one the state sets up for you, or one you decide for yourselves.
Aha! Deep! True
Agree to disagree with your definition of a preup. My parents didn't have prenup, my in-laws don't have a prenup, my spouse and I do not have a prenup, neither do my friends. I guess we are all planning on working things out and staying together.
@@luv2travel2000 Have you ever had the experience of someone changing from an angel to a devil or from good to bad?
Judges in many jurisdictions may tear up a Prenup if they feel like it - there is no safeguard against the financial risk of marriage
@@luv2travel2000 key words "planning on working things out". Well I'm not planning on getting into an accident when I drive, so why bother with car insurance?
This discussion is like a breath of fresh air. Terrific.
Absolutely loved this interview. So enlightning. As a person who loves love still, and as a divorced person still, such great advice. With one exception super important! Do not email hand write your "hit send now". communication. So so so important handwriting slows you down you have to really think about what you mean you can't just type 1,000,000 miles an hour and then fire it off. Hand write those kinds of delicate and intentional communications
Interesting suggestion
So true "when there is a problem in the marriage, how do we have the conversation??" that's the key to a good marriage. Tks 🙏
You can only have a conversation, if both people are willing to look at themselves..
No matter who you marry, there will be differences between the two of you. That’s the point: growth. Not white-knuckling but Learning to let go. No matter who you marry, both will change over the course of the marriage. The point is... do we CHOOSE to grow apart, or together. If a couple can be friends AFTER divorce, they certainly could have figured it out BEFORE divorce.
I love this comment!
Not exactly.
How did you make the leap claiming that differences between 2 people equals growth?
💯
I'm inclined to think that way, but I've never been the one to get to that point, so I guess I can't really say. I have known of couples who've grown apart, stayed together, then fallen in love all over again. Beautiful for them.
Interesting, me and my husband do the email thing. It gives us both time to think and then talk about it candidly with no ill emotions. There is nothing more important than communication in a relationship. Sitting down and evaluating your finances every few weeks/months, evaluating your sex life, your time together or apart, telling each other hey - i need this or that right now - sounds absurdly simple, but it really is a foundation. Being honest, but gentle and loving and kind about it, so you can be truly heard.
Wow! I tell ya, there’s so much gold on UA-cam and this is one of it. 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 I can only imagine how many marriage this man saved in this single interview.
No
In life, It’s not the mountain ahead that wears you out, it’s the sand in your shoes 🤔
It's a good thing I just don't wear my shoes
🤣 what's the mountain?
Wow. This was so encouraging with specifics on how to marriage right. I don't know many people who get married wanting it to fail. I really hope many of us American brothers and sisters pay attention to get this right. To do so could greatly beautify our minds and our nation. Lewis asked deep and though-provoking questions and James gave excellent answers. Thank you both. God bless
Yes this was great. I would love to see him and Ester Perel in a discussion. Lewis please help make it happen :)
YES! That would truly blow my mind!
Yyyeeesssss!!!!!
Absolutely Ester Perel and James would be amazing! Lewis..let's get this done.
Yes, she’s the best!!
It would be AMAZING to see those two interact!!!
Anybody else brought here by Soft White Underbelly?
and also from Rollo Tomassi's stream.
Yes I found him fascinating
YEP!!!!
Yes, he was smoking hot there and lo and behold.. He's still hella sexy....
Yup. Love this guy.
School of greatness is one of the best it's impossible to come here without learning something new. Lewis 👍👍👍
L.G Mandonel so true!! Love you Lewis from Kenya
Awesome awesome talk. I use to work as a intimate relationship researcher, a lot of the stuff shared here is very in tandem with the empirical evidence in psychology.
Never looked at marriage like this, but so glad I saw this video bc when I get married, I’m definitely following this perception. I agree with it.
Good interview! James Sexton has an engaging way to his personality. Thank you! I’ve completed two marriages and now just living my life to the fullest solo. No expectations but heart still open. 😊
Thanks so much Denise. All the best of success and love in your journey.
James J Sexton Hey, you da' man.👍
I love how you use “completed”
James is very engaging and charismatic.
My parents hung in thru some rough times(kids going thru adolecsnce, etc) and with sacrifice, they ended up with a solid connection that they stuck through, and we kids appreciated a solid and intact family until the end (they passed within 6 months of each other). Humanity is better because of sacrifice for the betterment of all, not "self-happiness"
I always find it interesting hearing relationship advices from a divorce lawyer. And I guess this video gives really great insights and wisdom.
I loved this episode. Many things of what James has said just confirmed what I always knew and spoke about but he also added many more new insights. So many people want things that last forever and marriage is one of them. That's impossible!
I'll be listening to this episode again and again. Thank you both for a fantastic conversation.
watching it til the end, didn't expected it to be so profound... what a man of wisdom
🙌
Loved it. Makes you realize how ANY job you do can be a great place for observing people and learning from them. Also like how James isn't the typical divorce lawyer, I mean his tattoes, haircut and the way he talks.. Cool, really good interview, thank you for bringing him to the podcast, Lewis. Also, it's really nice how he's talking about your book and taking some examples from it. :)
Thanks so much for listening! Lewis' books (but particularly The Mask of Masculinity) are amazing and really influenced my view of many of the subjects that ended up in my book. So I'm glad we got to sit down together and discuss.
Hi James where is your law practice?
indeed that´s what I appreciate in my job: also having to do a lot with people and learning from the mistakes they made by preventing doing the things the way they did
I’m 32 and never been married for this exact reason. Every single person I’ve dated has been incapable and too immature to have the hard conversations needed prior to long term commitment.
I just cannot for the life of me understand how people get married purely out of excitement rather than looking at the bigger picture.
In my opinion, the best discussion of what marriage is and how to make it successful.
Who knew this interview would actually be healing for me. It didn't make me feel like I am a failure being a single Mom never being married. I never wanted to be married...I just got these pregnancies and now these kids who are so beautiful. I have overcome so much and I am actually happy. I wish my kids had a Dad but just like the divorce rate more than 53% of these men out here aren't loving...
You said in a previous comment that you're living a lonely life... How can you be both happy and lonely? I know when I feel lonely, I'm not happy. You also mentioned that you've had over 200 boyfriends. How have none of those relationships "made you happy" ? As though these men are the source of your happiness?
I don't mean to be rude. I grew up without a father and I believe it's best that your kids have a father figure in their lives. You're on UA-cam joking about your situation yet you're not even considering the PROFOUND impact that it will have on their development and their future!
It makes me sad to think that you're only thinking of yourself. Children of single mothers are known to grow up with anger issues and a whole range of behavioral problems. Being a single mother is nothing to brag about...
You're no longer living just for yourself. Your actions serve as the foundation for their lives and who they will become. They must respect you and see that you're in a caring, loving relationship. And you deserve it... I can't comment on what kind of mother you are and don't want to dismiss that you may be a great one. And by no means am I saying you aren't enough...
Be well and please understand that I say this out of compassion.
You are deluding yourself. And lots of women can’t grasp this concept but there are lots of kind loving quality men out there. You either don’t appreciate them for some superficial reason or you can’t attract them bc of your inherent character.
"Marriage isn't forever, divorce is forever and the best thing that can happen to you".
- Louise Ck.
No only an hour with a divorce lawyer before you get married but, a years couple and individual Therapy too. At 47, I don't regret never wanting to get married or having children. There's lots of adults who are really still kids at an emotional level getting married these days.
Aside from your interviews with Ester Perel, this is one of the BEST videos I have seen on relationships/dynamics of marriage. Thank you for this amazing video!
You're welcome,thank you for being here 💜
Such amazing content and what a great speaker. I’m not married but have been with my boyfriend 10 years and SO much of this applies. Can’t wait to get the book!
Cynthia Morquecho - thanks so much. I hope you enjoy it!
I loved this! Definitely think all couples should see a divorce lawyer before they get married. I’ve been with my husband 20 years, married for 11, I’d 100% do this again and choose him over everyone else. But this hasn’t been easy, we’ve had very dark moments. But we’ve worked at things and life got good again. We’re both from broken homes and knew, despite it all, we loved each other and wanted to make it work. But sometimes when the s**t hits the fan, the relationship is a choice you make. When the honeymoon period wares off or you’re going through tough times. You have to choose to work at it. But then you reap the rewards.
That’s not to say i don’t think difficult times won’t crop up in future, but I think we’ll know how to handle them better. And if couples decide to call it a day then better leave it as friends than leave it hating each others guts.
My ex's way of conversing was just shutting down every serious uncomfortable conversation using his anxiety as an excuse. We didn't talk through anything. It was "too stressful" for him. K. I'm gonna go find someone who's not a child then.
Mine too… this is slowly draining my energy… pushing me slowly further away from him. Sadly but like they say you can’t change someone if they don’t think they need change
Facts, a lot of men do this hence the reason why they usually get left 😂
@@Shannon-pn1iv This is both wise and fair. In "Men are from Mars, women are from venus" he says that men need to go to their cave to think about it first.
A man/husband with an anxiety problem? I am sure you did not respect him.
Omg. This was so good. It’s like the divorce attorney turned into the grandma I wish I had. 😂
Lol!
I know, right? Lol 😂
This is a great video! I was married for 23 years and got divorced and found my soulmate. God gives us all a second chance. Everything he says here makes absolute sense. Divorce people can teach more about staying together because of our past mistakes.
No such thing as a soulmate. There is no ‘the one’
why did your first marriage end?
Then why do an ever higher percentage of second marriages fail?
Best 1hr 18 mins of my day today...THANKS😊