This is a calling for you. You have been a blessing to me as well. I believe there are a lot of hurting parents out there who are afraid to share their pain because of unkind remarks, fear of judgment like the earlier commenter, or it's just too hard to talk about. I was an active parent in my kids lives, so was my husband. They had rich, full lives. Were we perfect parents? Of course not. I adore my children and still want them to be safe and happy. Even if my son never speaks to me again, I will never stop loving him. Just like I know you will never, ever stop loving your daughter.
I am grateful to be alive while still being able to walk without a cane or prothsesis, talk and think. People have been blaming me for everything which went wrong in my family for a long time only because that was easier for them to do while I was poor instead of holding to account the perpetrators of domestic violence. According to the perpetrators of domestic violence and all who saw it as being easier to go along with it I was the mental health case problem cause of it all. I was constant being told while trying to leave with my children that I was unassertive, lacking in boundaries, only depressed and no fun for my husband to be around while I was in hospital trying to recover from horrific domestic viiolence. Yes I made poor choices in whom to marry. One professional psychiatrist I consulted with in hopes she would write a letter to the courts saying I was in good mental health instead incredulously said that my poor choice in whom to marry was justification enough for how my estranged husband bad choice and his young girl friend with more resources at the time should have custody of my infant children. Now some people automatic suspect me as looking to my adult sons to fill my own personal needs only because I am their single mother while I am not even dating men right now. I am returning to school. That should be a sign I am getting on with my own life however to the mysogony people nothing will ever be good enough to convince them I am a somebody while being single and female.
I agree with both above posts. I sometimes feel like I'm the last person in the world because after having kids at a young age (20), I had to stray away from my young friends. Now I'm left with nothing, six years strong. No HBD calls, no seeing me, no taking my calls... nothing. I call them on their own birthdays and straight to voicemail. I'm tired. I just have to let it be what it is. I wish it was different, but wishes only come true if you pay Disney World (which I did, 3 times in their youth).
@@TheSouthHoosier six years is a long time. We underestimate the toll it takes on our souls. It’s been just over a year for me, but I’m tired, too. So many tears, so many sleepless nights, so many stomach aches and headaches, all the hair that’s fallen out, and the loss of ability to focus, recall, or just feel inspired or enthusiastic about something. To get through a day without crying at some point. I wish I could love her less so the pain might be more tolerable, but that’s the price you pay when you give someone your whole heart. You don’t get to take it back.
Know many of these choice are influenced by others. Keep reminding yourself, you are not the major influence. Generational culture changes occur. What was expected and normal in one generation can change in another. Also, reflect were you from a toxic relationship, and did your family discuss things or just move on like nothing ever happened. You will be okay.
I was so lucky my best friend is a therapist. She had witnessed all that happened and helped me let go. Our daughter is loved and welcome anytime she decides to call.or if she doesn’t want contact , I’m ok with that now too. We wish only the best for her.
Same! My BFF is a therapist too. She knows the whole complex story. We miss our grandsons but have let go and give it to God. Leave the front porch light on if she wants to return. We love our daughter dearly.
@@princessleah341 yes it’s honestly all we can do, the thing some aren’t ready to understand is it’s ok to be happy and live life even with children’s alienation.
@@sunsetatshabooms4558 my father estranged me nearly 30 years ago. He didn’t like the skin color of the man I married, and was not pleased that his gorgeous granddaughter looked like us, not like him. I’ve googled him once or thrice over the years, to see if he was still out there somewhere, and saw that he was in and out or prison for multiple DUIs, and he was on his 9th marriage the last time I looked. I have cried so many tears, have felt so abandoned and unlovable because of that man, and even though I realize that I and my children have been spared years of continuing drama and trauma by his absence, it still hurts like holy hell. And I still would’ve chosen to have him in my life in some capacity, had he been willing. Maybe that’s the CPTSD talking, but I truly can not comprehend how easily people discard one another like common trash.
During the spring and summer, I kept my mind busy with gardening. I like to listen to audio books while I garden. A friend suggested "cozy mysteries," which was fun and helpful. Learning about homemade bread like sourdough has also been good for me. When I get in a down moment, I pray for my son and try to climb out of the sadness. October 1st is coming up. That's the day he left. Good parents want their children to go out on their own and find their way in the world. Never speaking to me again was something that I wasn't prepared for. My heart goes out to every parent going through this pain. I am truly sorry. You are not alone. ❤
@@thumbelinasgrace I tried to throw myself into my garden this year as a means of self preservation, but after our daughter went NC, my dog got cancer, and I spent six months desperately trying to save his life. During this period, my husband’s mom (86) fell and broke her hip, then had a heart attack, and ended up spending the same six month period in the hospital, where she developed gangrene in both legs. We lost both of them a couple months ago, and days later was my husband’s birthday, followed by the first anniversary of our estrangement from our firstborn. I have cried enough tears to flood the earth a second time over the course of this past year. I never imagined life could become so poignant.
@@TheQueenOfDreams @TheQueenOfDreams I read your other comment. My heart goes out to you. It felt like I was reading what we faced with our son. As I tiredly sit here typing this, I am truly comforted knowing I'm not alone in this journey. It's awful, but it no longer feels lonely. God bless and keep you and your family. ❤️
@@thumbelinasgrace thank you kindly, and I wholeheartedly agree. It’s a little easier to bear the grief when you no longer feel isolated by it. May God bless you also. ❤️
Some of the best cleaning & productive housework have been done when I was mad as Hell LOL! I’ve just passed the 1 year anniversary of my estrangement, and it was hard leading up to it. I think as time goes on, I’m slowly healing, developing “scar tissue” over the wound of my grief. I still have times when I really have a tough time, but they are becoming further apart. Each holiday, family event or birthday that happens without my daughter’s presence, puts the loss further behind me. I’ll never forget her or stop loving her, but it’s more like she’s on a different planet or plane of existence and not reachable, so I’m reconciling to that fact. All the advice given today is excellent Diane, and thanks again for helping us all realize we aren’t alone!
That's the nature of ambiguous grief, it comes and goes. But keep working on your own healing, on rebuilding your life in new ways with new friends, traditions, dreams, purpose... and you'll get there!
Thank you so much for your well needed advice. My daughter vasilates between talking to me and not talking to me. She will just disappear from my life. And when she comes back (weeks, months and even years later) there is absolutely no explanation. It hurts terribly. I know to be on my guard with her all the time. I can't even have a relationship with her children. You had some good advice and I will try some of the suggestions. Thank you.
I was like that. Always walking on eggs shells but she could do and say whatever she wanted. She would say mean and cruel things and finally I told her to shut up. I'm good now after 5 years because I don't have to put up with the mental abuse anymore.
@@jacquelineglitter4328 You're not "good now" because you're still whining online about it five years later. So you're definitely not over it. Just accept the fact that people are mean sometimes. You're no different.
I sing a lot and I have been getting a lot self care in...massages and different beauty treatments ( a good idea if one can afford it). I grew up a singer, took weekly voice lessons, was in a special school for the arts and was a VP of my women's choir. I trained my daughter to sing and she sings like an angel but sadly she treats me like trash and defamed me. I gave up my singing dreams to help her pursue hers. Now I am back to singing. I sang Silver Springs by Fleetwood Mac and I bawled my eyes out in the end because it really nailed how I felt. Weirdly a lot of these break up songs work lol. I sing a lot of Adele, Stevie Nicks, Dua Lipa, and Lady Gaga. I initially broke so bad I had to be hospitalized for a week. I couldn't function. Now 6 months later I am strong. My husband and I are closer than ever, I was able to forgive so many things in my parents. I look back and I definitely was enmeshed with my daughter through the years. She was my only one and I struggled with infertility and a difficult marriage for years. Now I feel detached from her. Husband and I allowed her to cause division between us. I allow myself to cry, but I give myself a limit. I have promised myself to never give up on me again. I am now determined. I have been going to the doctors for the first time in years. I have totally redecorated my home and shortly we will be moving back out of state. My husband and I go and do so many fun things now. We are going to Vegas for my birthday here in a few days.
Tsunami, thank you for sharing your beautiful story, I'm so glad you've reconnected with your love of singing which is helping you heal. Clearly you're rebuilding your life after this devastation, which is an inspiration to all estranged parents, to see that healing is possible... 💕
My emotions go back and forth with such anger and absolute disbelief! How grown children cannot talk about what the issues are to resolve instead of running!
Excellent advice. I have a cousin whom i am close to who lost a young adult child suddenly to gun violence 2 years ago. Every tool here would help her very much and as a matter of fact she has used many to try and cope. This tells me a lot about the profound significance for good parents. We have suffered this terrible treatment by children we raised to be kind and moral. They suddenly became cruel and chose this abusive tactic which is specifically meant to make us suffer and grieve. When they reconcile with their parents they will heal too because they broke themselves most of all. Prayers for the families and situations you are helping. Much like the devastation my cousin had faced(she agrees with me) that we absolutely do Not deserve a loss like this either.
@@estrangedparents thank you so much. Keep doing what you are doing, please. You ARE keeping many of us out of thinking our life is no longer worth much. (I never tell my cousin I feel that way or say it or show it but the incredible similarities we are living with day to day are overwhelmingly connected. She is one powerfully strong person when with her you can feel her son's presence and his love for her all around.
Its hard to see defence mechanisms becsuse what were defending feels justified. For example... Daughter says whats hurting her and mother feels attacked and dismisses her and becomes the victim. In ur mind u may think shes causing trouble with me but really shes telling you how she feels and its a moment where you should understand her pain and validate her and be there for her. This is hard to see usually for people that do it. If ur parents were dismissive and emotionally unavailable you will become emotionally unavailable also. You have to unlearn the emotionally unavailability. Your mother or father was dismissive of you and thats how u become dismissive also. Avoiding accountability avoids shame. Denial helps you live ur life and get things done where ur not struggling by facing negative emotions and when ur in denial of ur negative patterns and parents patterns u had to endure that you enherited you become the abuser and the generational abuse gets passed down. People who are not in denial dont carry it on to the same extent but will also pass on emotional unavailability even with awareness but will not be as stubborn to not face is as they are open to reality more. Focusing on ur needs, pain and desires and emotions and disregarding ur kids and condition them to only condsider urs where you can be the victim to avoid shame and guilt and feeling like shit. Consisder ur kids needs, desires, emotions, pain when they arise. Ur child wants to move to university... instead of making her fearful so you can keep her home longer... in that moment consider what good would come to her. She would be more independent and shed meet friends and shed grow and accept ur feeling sad and ur going to be lonely but notice thats something u have to do something about. Not ur child abandoning herself to make you happy..... Etc.... When ur childs sad... dont say "well im sad becsuse of this and that" thats dismissve and its not a competition. Listen to her and feel her pain. Sharing her pain makes u uncomfortable but accept the horrible feeling knowing its going to help her feel better. Dont shut her down so you can feel better. This all happens unconsciously. So just try to be aware
emotional damage, yes, my kids left with the wife like 7 years ago, they have not spoken to me since, i used to be frantic about it, now i really dont give a shit about them now. maybe they are doing fine, maybe not, their loss. happens to allot of people.
This is not about you. I'm a mother of four adults. I had a brief estrangement from one of my children, but we were able to make amends because I took responsibility for my part right up front, and I listened to them. I listened to why I was a trigger to their mental health, and I changed that. This entire series of videos is about you as a parent helping other parents and has absolutely nothing to do with your child and where they are at. Your channel is a wedge that you are driving deeper and deeper into the wound that separates you. You need to stop this. This is about YOUR emotions and YOUR problems. On, and on, and on, and on. If you have given your child's feelings even a tenth of the air time that you have given your own, you would not be here. Go ahead. Find your peace. You will not find your child there. I came here after finding older videos of you, hoping to find a transformed you who had mended their ways, and I have to say that I am extremely disappointed. If you have pain, consider that this, THIS is making your child feel exponentially more pain than you can ever have imagined. This series. This seeking validation by "helping" other parents who are also estranged. By comiserating with people who have equally harmed their children by seemingly benign self-wound-licking. I have duplicates of your child as surrogate family members, coming to me along with my children to simply be listened to, and loved, and hugged with no strings attached; no blame, no responsibility from me for their pain. Take it all down, please.
If your kid goes no contact it affects both people, so yes, it is about her. I just watched one of her older videos where she details why she made this video and who its targeted for. I'm very glad that you maintain a good relationship with your children. Taking in other kids that had no one at home to fulfill their emotional needs is admirable too. However it isn't too hard to imagine parents who find themselves in less fortunate circumstances where it's either too late to make amends and reconcile or a boundary has been set where communication isn't possible, even if all of the reflection and self-improvement is done. There are some parents who were so shitty that it's probably best that there be no contact between them and their children. Whatever the situation, it's still very painful, for both the child and for the parent. This channel is for the parents I just described. I'm sure channels that are resourceful for the children of these parents or even children and parents who are trying to reconcile are out there too. You could probably do with expanding your perspective a little so you can hold empathy for people you hold contempt for, rightly or wrongly. Hope you're well.
@@elderberryjam1 You said your estrangement was brief because you listened to your children. As someone who could only hope to make this excruciating experience as brief as possible, I would love to hear what you advise when an adult child has simply refused to speak, had not said a word about what they feel or why they feel that way prior to going NC, and has expressed no desire to resolve whatever conflict exists. I see a lot of parents who desire resolution and a lot of adult children who honestly couldn’t care less what happens to their parents. I would gladly take responsibility for any shortcomings I had as a mother, but that isn’t why my child won’t speak to me. It’s not because of who I wasn’t, but because of who I am, what I represent. My child lives in a world of delusion and fantasy and can not abide by anyone who won’t affirm her world view, and because I would not be forced to say that black is white or hot is cold, when I have a rational mind and two eyes of my own, she chooses not to speak to me. I represent a reality that she can not reconcile herself to, and that is why we are estranged. It has nothing to do with how I raised her or whether I fell short on some cosmic scale as a mother. It has everything to do with my unwillingness to lie merely to appease her. I can not exchange my integrity for the privilege of walking on eggshells in order to be around someone with an unresolved mental illness. And I don’t even want to. You seem to believe that Diane is pandering to her wounds, and to those of us who also bear them, but perhaps you feel that way because you were not estranged long enough to find yourself in the thick of survival mode, with a sense that there is no purpose to anything you have ever done, that it’s all been for nothing, and now you are just a waste of oxygen, according to the internet. Some of us needed to be reminded that our value extends far beyond the limited perspectives that our children hold of us, and maybe I’m wrong, but that is all that I see Diane trying to say with this series. She is offering a structure that has helped many of us navigate our way out of the deepest depths of survival mode. For those like you who never needed someone like her, perhaps she seems superfluous or self focused, but for those who have given up on ourselves, she has been a friend in an hour of great need. I realize we see others through our own paradigm, rarely pausing to realize that we are projecting ourselves onto others and then judging what we see, not recognizing that we are in fact judging ourselves. I am trying to be objective, but I don’t see the person you see. And I can only assume that’s because I am not you.
You're allowed to feel how you feel. That is valid. But 'do your best to move on?' Not quite. THIS is where you get to LEARN! This is where you GROW. If you sit with your fear and accept that you made mistakes, if you don't LEARN from your mistakes and CHANGE, then you HAVE failed. What can you do better NOW? You don't screw up badly with your partner, fear doing it again and then just accept it when you do it again. Throwing up your hands and saying 'Welp, I'm helpless to be better' is the same as saying 'I learned nothing and haven't grown.' It's okay to hurt. Its okay to cope! But it's not ok to remain the same and keep doing whatever it was that caused the estrangement. Lots of people here are in pain. Struggle is good for growth. How would you treat them if they were a stranger?
I was estranged from my father (my choice) and am now estranged from my own daughter (her choice). I can see how the differences are irreconcilable. Adult children just don’t care as much. They have so much for them, so much to do, the world is their oyster. As a parent we are much more focused on them then they are on us. And out of sight out of heart. Unfortunately i now experience the same thing from the other end. It seems the generation gap is bigger too, and Gen Z very complicated. Thank you, Diane, for your wonderful insights. It seems you found your purpose in life, which makes you a great example 🙏🏻❤️
Thank you Diane! Your channel is a blessing to me and many who are suffering this devastating phenomenon called estrangement. God bless you and what you are doing
Hey I’m a 21 year old male who has gone through a troubled upbringing similar to most. I have no plans to lash out or be disrespectful in anyway to my parents like I did as a teen despite not approving of their ways. I can’t 100% related, but the fact you picked up a book, thought it through and just had a humble attitude towards it means you still have a heart.
I really want to say that I’ve pretty much forgiven (with my actions thus far) my parents by not thriving on the past too much. It even says in the Bible that you have to honor your parents and I would argue even if they are not perfect
That's called grooming. They groomed you to never hold them accountable. A lot of grifters who pretend to be Christian do this, too. For an example, see the channel this video is on.
There's Hope when they become mothers and their partner may help out because they've had an actual worst situation then she did that happened in my case
Really good tools. The grief/loss graph is a must do. It does help with healing to see how capable we are, and how we have moved forward from difficult times in our past. Thank-you. I can see how this channel and speaking about what you have gone through, has helped you on your healing path.
You are so right. Sometimes kids get influenced and brain washed by external forces like politics, and religion. My adult children can be whoever they want to be and I will focus my time and resources on the ones that care enough about me to spend time with me as I get older.
I enjoyed our face time together Wow! I am so grateful for your support. I thought my daughter was coming back one year ago but no . Circles keep on going on … I’m in and out of deep depression.
If this woman had any courage at all, she'd have apologized and stopped her abusive behavior. Instead she is profiting off abuse and you are calling her brave. Jesus would never uplift a grifting abusive mother.
@2new2this oh, she's out there. Everyone can see how violently complacent she is with her neglect and bolstering other horrible parents. But with all the comments calling her out, hopefully she will be reported enough, and people coming here will be warned. Some parents have stopped watching. Thank God. When professionals tell you you're being a bad parent, and you come to the conclusion that everyone but you is wrong, then start yapping on UA-cam, its probably you that's the issue. Hope you find actual help.
@@2new2this lmao she won't. Her channel will fail bc that's what happens to people preaching bad parenting. Don't you have better things to do than bolster child abuse?
I feel the same way. It’s actually a relief because it was such a dysfunctional relationship. I got tired of walking on eggshells and happen to be fake and act like my feelings don’t matter. i’m very blessed though before everything went really crazy. My granddaughter was old enough to remember me. She is 15 now and calls me just about every day. I do have three others with my daughter that are still young enough. I know two of them won’t understand and probably go along with their mother, but I have one there’s no way she won’t find me when she gets old enough. My other granddaughter stays in contact with her all the time and I’ll let her know. Please let her know that I welcome her and my anytime don’t give up hope sometimes they won’t answers as well.
@@staceeAB Lucky you, my son and his wife do not even bother to produce a child! when he was young he planned to have some, he liked kids, not anymore with a wife.
We’re currently in year 4 and it’s a process for sure. Good days & bad days. Thank you, Diane, for: 1) sharing your experience 2) doing this series & offering some helpful insights for those of us going through this. Don’t let the negative comments bother you.
Thank you so much for your videos & such great advice in this one in particular. I needed to hear what you shared. Important information for all estranged parents.
People have been blaming me for everything which went wrong in my family for a long time only because that was easier for them to do instead of holding to account the perpetrators of that domestic violence. According to the perpetrators of domestic violence and all who saw it as being easier to go along with it I was the mental health case problem cause of it all. I was being told that I was unassertive, lacking in boundaries, only depressed and no fun for my husband to be around while I was in hospital trying to recover from horrific domestic viiolence. Now some people automatic suspect me as looking to my adult sons to fill my own personal needs only because I am their single mother while I am not even dating men right now. I am returning to school. That should be a sign I am getting on with my own life however to the mysogony people nothing will ever be good enough to convince them I am a somebody while being single and female.
Frances, I'm so sorry that you've had to endure all that, but it sounds like you're doing the right thing, taking care of yourself, going back to school... You sound like an incredibly strong and resilient person!
I have watched your videos and enjoy. I am curious, when your one daughter estranged herself from you, did it alter any relationship with her siblings? I hope one day your daughter has a change of heart.
I want all opinions as much as possible. Similarly to your daughter I have ADHD and autism and I partially and to be honest blame parents but I born again in Christ so I matured a little. When I start earn my own money I definitely don't want to be close with my parents I don't want them irritate me. To explain myself my parents was pretty good but my mom got mentally ill and I was neglected. I don't want my mom to end up like you but this world hurt me break me into pieces. I know my mom had her mom and my grandma had her mom. Since my parents especially mom can't function alone I would definitely help her and we have a dog. You definitely should step away like you do and ask her to go therapy with you. Cause in my experience I'm so broken It's always trashy dead part in your soul and that is hard nothing can make It good. You don't know how autism and ADHD are hard and I have OCD in the way of obsessive unwanted thoughts that slowly poison you. Pray for your daughter. Take It slowly.
This woman has no credentials and spreads misinformation. Please get help from an actual therapist for what youve gone through. You don't deserve to be abused. It's also worth noting that many symptoms of adhd overlap with trauma.
@@2new2this you would bc that's another forceful and disrespectful thing to do for someone who didn't ask. It must be hard being so much holier than everyone else who refuses to stand for child abuse.
I’m so grateful to have found you. You have been a life raft in the most horrible storm of my life. May God bless you and protect you. ❤
This is a calling for you. You have been a blessing to me as well. I believe there are a lot of hurting parents out there who are afraid to share their pain because of unkind remarks, fear of judgment like the earlier commenter, or it's just too hard to talk about.
I was an active parent in my kids lives, so was my husband. They had rich, full lives. Were we perfect parents? Of course not. I adore my children and still want them to be safe and happy. Even if my son never speaks to me again, I will never stop loving him. Just like I know you will never, ever stop loving your daughter.
I am grateful to be alive while still being able to walk without a cane or prothsesis, talk and think. People have been blaming me for everything which went wrong in my family for a long time only because that was easier for them to do while I was poor instead of holding to account the perpetrators of domestic violence. According to the perpetrators of domestic violence and all who saw it as being easier to go along with it I was the mental health case problem cause of it all. I was constant being told while trying to leave with my children that I was unassertive, lacking in boundaries, only depressed and no fun for my husband to be around while I was in hospital trying to recover from horrific domestic viiolence. Yes I made poor choices in whom to marry. One professional psychiatrist I consulted with in hopes she would write a letter to the courts saying I was in good mental health instead incredulously said that my poor choice in whom to marry was justification enough for how my estranged husband bad choice and his young girl friend with more resources at the time should have custody of my infant children. Now some people automatic suspect me as looking to my adult sons to fill my own personal needs only because I am their single mother while I am not even dating men right now. I am returning to school. That should be a sign I am getting on with my own life however to the mysogony people nothing will ever be good enough to convince them I am a somebody while being single and female.
I agree with both above posts. I sometimes feel like I'm the last person in the world because after having kids at a young age (20), I had to stray away from my young friends. Now I'm left with nothing, six years strong. No HBD calls, no seeing me, no taking my calls... nothing. I call them on their own birthdays and straight to voicemail. I'm tired. I just have to let it be what it is. I wish it was different, but wishes only come true if you pay Disney World (which I did, 3 times in their youth).
@@TheSouthHoosier six years is a long time. We underestimate the toll it takes on our souls. It’s been just over a year for me, but I’m tired, too. So many tears, so many sleepless nights, so many stomach aches and headaches, all the hair that’s fallen out, and the loss of ability to focus, recall, or just feel inspired or enthusiastic about something. To get through a day without crying at some point. I wish I could love her less so the pain might be more tolerable, but that’s the price you pay when you give someone your whole heart. You don’t get to take it back.
Thank you, I am in the "grief " stage. Times 3. The timing of seeing this video is, perfect. To God be the glory!
Praising my Lord.🙏🙏🙏
Know many of these choice are influenced by others. Keep reminding yourself, you are not the major influence. Generational culture changes occur. What was expected and normal in one generation can change in another. Also, reflect were you from a toxic relationship, and did your family discuss things or just move on like nothing ever happened. You will be okay.
I was so lucky my best friend is a therapist. She had witnessed all that happened and helped me let go. Our daughter is loved and welcome anytime she decides to call.or if she doesn’t want contact , I’m ok with that now too. We wish only the best for her.
Same! My BFF is a therapist too. She knows the whole complex story. We miss our grandsons but have let go and give it to God. Leave the front porch light on if she wants to return. We love our daughter dearly.
@@princessleah341 yes it’s honestly all we can do, the thing some aren’t ready to understand is it’s ok to be happy and live life even with children’s alienation.
2 Timothy 1:7
King James Version
7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. ✝️
Many of these tips can help for us who have been estranged by our parents. Thank you
@@sunsetatshabooms4558 my father estranged me nearly 30 years ago. He didn’t like the skin color of the man I married, and was not pleased that his gorgeous granddaughter looked like us, not like him. I’ve googled him once or thrice over the years, to see if he was still out there somewhere, and saw that he was in and out or prison for multiple DUIs, and he was on his 9th marriage the last time I looked. I have cried so many tears, have felt so abandoned and unlovable because of that man, and even though I realize that I and my children have been spared years of continuing drama and trauma by his absence, it still hurts like holy hell. And I still would’ve chosen to have him in my life in some capacity, had he been willing. Maybe that’s the CPTSD talking, but I truly can not comprehend how easily people discard one another like common trash.
During the spring and summer, I kept my mind busy with gardening. I like to listen to audio books while I garden. A friend suggested "cozy mysteries," which was fun and helpful. Learning about homemade bread like sourdough has also been good for me. When I get in a down moment, I pray for my son and try to climb out of the sadness.
October 1st is coming up. That's the day he left. Good parents want their children to go out on their own and find their way in the world. Never speaking to me again was something that I wasn't prepared for.
My heart goes out to every parent going through this pain. I am truly sorry. You are not alone. ❤
@@thumbelinasgrace I tried to throw myself into my garden this year as a means of self preservation, but after our daughter went NC, my dog got cancer, and I spent six months desperately trying to save his life. During this period, my husband’s mom (86) fell and broke her hip, then had a heart attack, and ended up spending the same six month period in the hospital, where she developed gangrene in both legs. We lost both of them a couple months ago, and days later was my husband’s birthday, followed by the first anniversary of our estrangement from our firstborn. I have cried enough tears to flood the earth a second time over the course of this past year. I never imagined life could become so poignant.
I wasn't prepared either, but I've learned to adapt. Thank you for sharing your experiences, it sounds like you've found your way... 💕
@@TheQueenOfDreams @TheQueenOfDreams I read your other comment. My heart goes out to you. It felt like I was reading what we faced with our son. As I tiredly sit here typing this, I am truly comforted knowing I'm not alone in this journey. It's awful, but it no longer feels lonely. God bless and keep you and your family. ❤️
@@thumbelinasgrace thank you kindly, and I wholeheartedly agree. It’s a little easier to bear the grief when you no longer feel isolated by it. May God bless you also. ❤️
My brother doesn't talk to my mom or me. I didn't even know he had a child till I found his social media page.
I am up and down, I am so sad. I cry alot.
Some of the best cleaning & productive housework have been done when I was mad as Hell LOL! I’ve just passed the 1 year anniversary of my estrangement, and it was hard leading up to it. I think as time goes on, I’m slowly healing, developing “scar tissue” over the wound of my grief. I still have times when I really have a tough time, but they are becoming further apart. Each holiday, family event or birthday that happens without my daughter’s presence, puts the loss further behind me. I’ll never forget her or stop loving her, but it’s more like she’s on a different planet or plane of existence and not reachable, so I’m reconciling to that fact. All the advice given today is excellent Diane, and thanks again for helping us all realize we aren’t alone!
That's the nature of ambiguous grief, it comes and goes. But keep working on your own healing, on rebuilding your life in new ways with new friends, traditions, dreams, purpose... and you'll get there!
I clean too when I’m really mad!
Loving this series Diane! Thank you!!💞
Thank you so much for your well needed advice. My daughter vasilates between talking to me and not talking to me. She will just disappear from my life. And when she comes back (weeks, months and even years later) there is absolutely no explanation. It hurts terribly. I know to be on my guard with her all the time. I can't even have a relationship with her children. You had some good advice and I will try some of the suggestions. Thank you.
I was like that. Always walking on eggs shells but she could do and say whatever she wanted. She would say mean and cruel things and finally I told her to shut up. I'm good now after 5 years because I don't have to put up with the mental abuse anymore.
@@jacquelineglitter4328 You're not "good now" because you're still whining online about it five years later. So you're definitely not over it. Just accept the fact that people are mean sometimes. You're no different.
should have been less shitty as a parent methinks
@@somethingclever1128 what a sad and painful life you must have to want to spread such nastiness around.
This one is really great!!
It's so hard to work and deal with this.
Hang in there, it’s a tough journey, but you can get through it… ❤️
@@estrangedparents 😊 thanks
I sing a lot and I have been getting a lot self care in...massages and different beauty treatments ( a good idea if one can afford it). I grew up a singer, took weekly voice lessons, was in a special school for the arts and was a VP of my women's choir. I trained my daughter to sing and she sings like an angel but sadly she treats me like trash and defamed me. I gave up my singing dreams to help her pursue hers. Now I am back to singing. I sang Silver Springs by Fleetwood Mac and I bawled my eyes out in the end because it really nailed how I felt. Weirdly a lot of these break up songs work lol. I sing a lot of Adele, Stevie Nicks, Dua Lipa, and Lady Gaga. I initially broke so bad I had to be hospitalized for a week. I couldn't function. Now 6 months later I am strong. My husband and I are closer than ever, I was able to forgive so many things in my parents. I look back and I definitely was enmeshed with my daughter through the years. She was my only one and I struggled with infertility and a difficult marriage for years. Now I feel detached from her. Husband and I allowed her to cause division between us. I allow myself to cry, but I give myself a limit. I have promised myself to never give up on me again. I am now determined. I have been going to the doctors for the first time in years. I have totally redecorated my home and shortly we will be moving back out of state. My husband and I go and do so many fun things now. We are going to Vegas for my birthday here in a few days.
You found yourself again. How wonderful ❤
Tsunami, thank you for sharing your beautiful story, I'm so glad you've reconnected with your love of singing which is helping you heal. Clearly you're rebuilding your life after this devastation, which is an inspiration to all estranged parents, to see that healing is possible... 💕
My emotions go back and forth with such anger and absolute disbelief! How grown children cannot talk about what the issues are to resolve instead of running!
Agree
It's cowardly.
@truthseek3017 you don't know me. But you, like to bother hurting parents on here. Maybe reevaluate your UA-cam energy.
It’s mind blowing. I survived and it’s gets sooooo much easier, but you never forget they broke your heart so badly.
Excellent advice. I have a cousin whom i am close to who lost a young adult child suddenly to gun violence 2 years ago. Every tool here would help her very much and as a matter of fact she has used many to try and cope. This tells me a lot about the profound significance for good parents. We have suffered this terrible treatment by children we raised to be kind and moral. They suddenly became cruel and chose this abusive tactic which is specifically meant to make us suffer and grieve. When they reconcile with their parents they will heal too because they broke themselves most of all. Prayers for the families and situations you are helping. Much like the devastation my cousin had faced(she agrees with me) that we absolutely do Not deserve a loss like this either.
Thank you for your kind encouragement and for sharing your story. Death has to be worse, I'm so sorry for your cousin's loss.
@@estrangedparents thank you so much. Keep doing what you are doing, please. You ARE keeping many of us out of thinking our life is no longer worth much.
(I never tell my cousin I feel that way or say it or show it but the incredible similarities we are living with day to day are overwhelmingly connected. She is one powerfully strong person when with her you can feel her son's presence and his love for her all around.
@@rainsunc-d2462I feel the same, worthless and disposable. By their actions. We are worth it and we have value beyond our offspring ❤
Its hard to see defence mechanisms becsuse what were defending feels justified.
For example...
Daughter says whats hurting her and mother feels attacked and dismisses her and becomes the victim.
In ur mind u may think shes causing trouble with me but really shes telling you how she feels and its a moment where you should understand her pain and validate her and be there for her.
This is hard to see usually for people that do it. If ur parents were dismissive and emotionally unavailable you will become emotionally unavailable also. You have to unlearn the emotionally unavailability.
Your mother or father was dismissive of you and thats how u become dismissive also.
Avoiding accountability avoids shame.
Denial helps you live ur life and get things done where ur not struggling by facing negative emotions and when ur in denial of ur negative patterns and parents patterns u had to endure that you enherited you become the abuser and the generational abuse gets passed down. People who are not in denial dont carry it on to the same extent but will also pass on emotional unavailability even with awareness but will not be as stubborn to not face is as they are open to reality more.
Focusing on ur needs, pain and desires and emotions and disregarding ur kids and condition them to only condsider urs where you can be the victim to avoid shame and guilt and feeling like shit.
Consisder ur kids needs, desires, emotions, pain when they arise.
Ur child wants to move to university... instead of making her fearful so you can keep her home longer... in that moment consider what good would come to her. She would be more independent and shed meet friends and shed grow and accept ur feeling sad and ur going to be lonely but notice thats something u have to do something about. Not ur child abandoning herself to make you happy.....
Etc....
When ur childs sad... dont say "well im sad becsuse of this and that" thats dismissve and its not a competition. Listen to her and feel her pain. Sharing her pain makes u uncomfortable but accept the horrible feeling knowing its going to help her feel better. Dont shut her down so you can feel better.
This all happens unconsciously. So just try to be aware
emotional damage, yes, my kids left with the wife like 7 years ago, they have not spoken to me since, i used to be frantic about it, now i really dont give a shit about them now. maybe they are doing fine, maybe not, their loss. happens to allot of people.
I am so glad you put Dumped by your child in each title of this series. This title sums it up perfectly.
This is not about you. I'm a mother of four adults. I had a brief estrangement from one of my children, but we were able to make amends because I took responsibility for my part right up front, and I listened to them. I listened to why I was a trigger to their mental health, and I changed that. This entire series of videos is about you as a parent helping other parents and has absolutely nothing to do with your child and where they are at. Your channel is a wedge that you are driving deeper and deeper into the wound that separates you. You need to stop this. This is about YOUR emotions and YOUR problems. On, and on, and on, and on. If you have given your child's feelings even a tenth of the air time that you have given your own, you would not be here. Go ahead. Find your peace. You will not find your child there.
I came here after finding older videos of you, hoping to find a transformed you who had mended their ways, and I have to say that I am extremely disappointed. If you have pain, consider that this, THIS is making your child feel exponentially more pain than you can ever have imagined. This series. This seeking validation by "helping" other parents who are also estranged. By comiserating with people who have equally harmed their children by seemingly benign self-wound-licking. I have duplicates of your child as surrogate family members, coming to me along with my children to simply be listened to, and loved, and hugged with no strings attached; no blame, no responsibility from me for their pain. Take it all down, please.
I sure wish my mom had your outlook. Well done!
If your kid goes no contact it affects both people, so yes, it is about her. I just watched one of her older videos where she details why she made this video and who its targeted for. I'm very glad that you maintain a good relationship with your children. Taking in other kids that had no one at home to fulfill their emotional needs is admirable too. However it isn't too hard to imagine parents who find themselves in less fortunate circumstances where it's either too late to make amends and reconcile or a boundary has been set where communication isn't possible, even if all of the reflection and self-improvement is done. There are some parents who were so shitty that it's probably best that there be no contact between them and their children. Whatever the situation, it's still very painful, for both the child and for the parent. This channel is for the parents I just described. I'm sure channels that are resourceful for the children of these parents or even children and parents who are trying to reconcile are out there too. You could probably do with expanding your perspective a little so you can hold empathy for people you hold contempt for, rightly or wrongly. Hope you're well.
That's right it is about estrangement for parents other channels are for the children of you do t like it don't watch it😊
@@elderberryjam1
You said your estrangement was brief because you listened to your children. As someone who could only hope to make this excruciating experience as brief as possible, I would love to hear what you advise when an adult child has simply refused to speak, had not said a word about what they feel or why they feel that way prior to going NC, and has expressed no desire to resolve whatever conflict exists.
I see a lot of parents who desire resolution and a lot of adult children who honestly couldn’t care less what happens to their parents. I would gladly take responsibility for any shortcomings I had as a mother, but that isn’t why my child won’t speak to me. It’s not because of who I wasn’t, but because of who I am, what I represent. My child lives in a world of delusion and fantasy and can not abide by anyone who won’t affirm her world view, and because I would not be forced to say that black is white or hot is cold, when I have a rational mind and two eyes of my own, she chooses not to speak to me. I represent a reality that she can not reconcile herself to, and that is why we are estranged. It has nothing to do with how I raised her or whether I fell short on some cosmic scale as a mother. It has everything to do with my unwillingness to lie merely to appease her. I can not exchange my integrity for the privilege of walking on eggshells in order to be around someone with an unresolved mental illness. And I don’t even want to.
You seem to believe that Diane is pandering to her wounds, and to those of us who also bear them, but perhaps you feel that way because you were not estranged long enough to find yourself in the thick of survival mode, with a sense that there is no purpose to anything you have ever done, that it’s all been for nothing, and now you are just a waste of oxygen, according to the internet. Some of us needed to be reminded that our value extends far beyond the limited perspectives that our children hold of us, and maybe I’m wrong, but that is all that I see Diane trying to say with this series. She is offering a structure that has helped many of us navigate our way out of the deepest depths of survival mode. For those like you who never needed someone like her, perhaps she seems superfluous or self focused, but for those who have given up on ourselves, she has been a friend in an hour of great need.
I realize we see others through our own paradigm, rarely pausing to realize that we are projecting ourselves onto others and then judging what we see, not recognizing that we are in fact judging ourselves. I am trying to be objective, but I don’t see the person you see. And I can only assume that’s because I am not you.
This comment smells like an injured adult child to me, not at all like an estranged parent.
Thank you for your sharing. I am not alone
You're allowed to feel how you feel. That is valid. But 'do your best to move on?' Not quite. THIS is where you get to LEARN! This is where you GROW. If you sit with your fear and accept that you made mistakes, if you don't LEARN from your mistakes and CHANGE, then you HAVE failed. What can you do better NOW? You don't screw up badly with your partner, fear doing it again and then just accept it when you do it again. Throwing up your hands and saying 'Welp, I'm helpless to be better' is the same as saying 'I learned nothing and haven't grown.' It's okay to hurt. Its okay to cope! But it's not ok to remain the same and keep doing whatever it was that caused the estrangement. Lots of people here are in pain. Struggle is good for growth. How would you treat them if they were a stranger?
You have helped and are helping humanity more than you know. Many many thanks. This situation is devastating.
No. She is doing more damage to abused people. She needs to stop.
I was estranged from my father (my choice) and am now estranged from my own daughter (her choice). I can see how the differences are irreconcilable. Adult children just don’t care as much. They have so much for them, so much to do, the world is their oyster. As a parent we are much more focused on them then they are on us. And out of sight out of heart. Unfortunately i now experience the same thing from the other end. It seems the generation gap is bigger too, and Gen Z very complicated. Thank you, Diane, for your wonderful insights. It seems you found your purpose in life, which makes you a great example 🙏🏻❤️
Thank you Diane! Your channel is a blessing to me and many who are suffering this devastating phenomenon called estrangement. God bless you and what you are doing
Shawna, thank you so much, wishing you all the best on your healing journey... 💕
Hey I’m a 21 year old male who has gone through a troubled upbringing similar to most. I have no plans to lash out or be disrespectful in anyway to my parents like I did as a teen despite not approving of their ways. I can’t 100% related, but the fact you picked up a book, thought it through and just had a humble attitude towards it means you still have a heart.
I really want to say that I’ve pretty much forgiven (with my actions thus far) my parents by not thriving on the past too much. It even says in the Bible that you have to honor your parents and I would argue even if they are not perfect
That's called grooming. They groomed you to never hold them accountable. A lot of grifters who pretend to be Christian do this, too. For an example, see the channel this video is on.
@@sierrafrost1222 I pray for your soul! 🙏 Peace and love to you dear!
There's Hope when they become mothers and their partner may help out because they've had an actual worst situation then she did that happened in my case
Really good tools. The grief/loss graph is a must do. It does help with healing to see how capable we are, and how we have moved forward from difficult times in our past. Thank-you. I can see how this channel and speaking about what you have gone through, has helped you on your healing path.
Maybe we have to admit that these people we were nurturing where someone else all along
Yes, people do change, sometimes in unexpected ways.
You are so right. Sometimes kids get influenced and brain washed by external forces like politics, and religion. My adult children can be whoever they want to be and I will focus my time and resources on the ones that care enough about me to spend time with me as I get older.
I enjoyed our face time together Wow! I am so grateful for your support. I thought my daughter was coming back one year ago but no . Circles keep on going on … I’m in and out of deep depression.
Grieving is a process with a lot of ups and downs. But it's temporary, you can get through it, just keep working toward healing... 💕
I look forward to every video you post!
Thank you... :)
I'm thankful for your bravery and creating this so very needed channel! Peace and love to you Diane and all who are here in this time of need 🙏♥️
If this woman had any courage at all, she'd have apologized and stopped her abusive behavior. Instead she is profiting off abuse and you are calling her brave. Jesus would never uplift a grifting abusive mother.
@@sierrafrost1222 thank you for your comment, it helps get her message out there, peace to you 🙏
@2new2this oh, she's out there. Everyone can see how violently complacent she is with her neglect and bolstering other horrible parents. But with all the comments calling her out, hopefully she will be reported enough, and people coming here will be warned. Some parents have stopped watching. Thank God. When professionals tell you you're being a bad parent, and you come to the conclusion that everyone but you is wrong, then start yapping on UA-cam, its probably you that's the issue. Hope you find actual help.
@@sierrafrost1222 what I find helpful is you helping her to get more viewers! Thanks so very much!! 🥳 I'm praying for you! 🙏
@@2new2this lmao she won't. Her channel will fail bc that's what happens to people preaching bad parenting. Don't you have better things to do than bolster child abuse?
I don't even miss my son anymore I miss my grandkids.. 😢
I feel the same. Grandkids are punished for their parents' cowardice.
I feel the same way. It’s actually a relief because it was such a dysfunctional relationship. I got tired of walking on eggshells and happen to be fake and act like my feelings don’t matter. i’m very blessed though before everything went really crazy. My granddaughter was old enough to remember me. She is 15 now and calls me just about every day. I do have three others with my daughter that are still young enough. I know two of them won’t understand and probably go along with their mother, but I have one there’s no way she won’t find me when she gets old enough. My other granddaughter stays in contact with her all the time and I’ll let her know. Please let her know that I welcome her and my anytime don’t give up hope sometimes they won’t answers as well.
@@staceeAB avoiding an abuser who will continue the cycle with your children isn't cowardice, it's bravery. humble yourself.
@@whizkeysh0tQueer Marxist
@@staceeAB Lucky you, my son and his wife do not even bother to produce a child! when he was young he planned to have some, he liked kids, not anymore with a wife.
We’re currently in year 4 and it’s a process for sure. Good days & bad days.
Thank you, Diane, for:
1) sharing your experience
2) doing this series & offering some helpful insights for those of us going through this.
Don’t let the negative comments bother you.
Pamela, thank you so much, glad you're getting through this too!
move on Pamela, people in the east often never see their children after they leave
She should let them bother her. What on earth is it gonna take for her to see herself in her actions and stop bolstering abuse towards children?
Thank you so much for your videos & such great advice in this one in particular. I needed to hear what you shared. Important information for all estranged parents.
You're so welcome, glad it was helpful!
Thank you.🙃
People have been blaming me for everything which went wrong in my family for a long time only because that was easier for them to do instead of holding to account the perpetrators of that domestic violence. According to the perpetrators of domestic violence and all who saw it as being easier to go along with it I was the mental health case problem cause of it all. I was being told that I was unassertive, lacking in boundaries, only depressed and no fun for my husband to be around while I was in hospital trying to recover from horrific domestic viiolence. Now some people automatic suspect me as looking to my adult sons to fill my own personal needs only because I am their single mother while I am not even dating men right now. I am returning to school. That should be a sign I am getting on with my own life however to the mysogony people nothing will ever be good enough to convince them I am a somebody while being single and female.
Frances, I'm so sorry that you've had to endure all that, but it sounds like you're doing the right thing, taking care of yourself, going back to school... You sound like an incredibly strong and resilient person!
I have watched your videos and enjoy. I am curious, when your one daughter estranged herself from you, did it alter any relationship with her siblings? I hope one day your daughter has a change of heart.
Thanks, and not really.
I believe your detractors are upset because their therapist was straightforward with them 😅
Thank you. You should be a counselor. Helped me a lot
Is this progress I see? I think you have faced some of your fears!
I want all opinions as much as possible. Similarly to your daughter I have ADHD and autism and I partially and to be honest blame parents but I born again in Christ so I matured a little. When I start earn my own money I definitely don't want to be close with my parents I don't want them irritate me. To explain myself my parents was pretty good but my mom got mentally ill and I was neglected. I don't want my mom to end up like you but this world hurt me break me into pieces. I know my mom had her mom and my grandma had her mom. Since my parents especially mom can't function alone I would definitely help her and we have a dog. You definitely should step away like you do and ask her to go therapy with you. Cause in my experience I'm so broken It's always trashy dead part in your soul and that is hard nothing can make It good. You don't know how autism and ADHD are hard and I have OCD in the way of obsessive unwanted thoughts that slowly poison you. Pray for your daughter. Take It slowly.
This woman has no credentials and spreads misinformation. Please get help from an actual therapist for what youve gone through. You don't deserve to be abused.
It's also worth noting that many symptoms of adhd overlap with trauma.
@@sierrafrost1222I'm praying for you 🙏 Peace be with you dear!
@@2new2this you would bc that's another forceful and disrespectful thing to do for someone who didn't ask. It must be hard being so much holier than everyone else who refuses to stand for child abuse.
@@sierrafrost1222 peace to you dear! 🙏
I am all over the place. I miss her so much.
It's a roller coaster, it takes time to process, give yourself grace... 💕
Keep up the great work. You are helping a lot of people, including myself.
Lucinda, thank you so much!
She is harming many more. Including her own child, still.
@@sierrafrost1222 I'm praying for you dear! 🙏 Spread love and kindness, peace be with you!
Very good videos, very helpful. You are doing a great job.
Thank you for your kindness... 💕