I was emotionally abused since early childhood, and as a kid I tried everything to make it stop. Then in my 20s, I lost hope in everything. I gave up, because there was no escape. Now as an adult, I don't try anymore. I feel like I am just going with the flow, instead of building a life that's worth living.
i understand how you feel. i can relate. i spend months laying on the couch unable to do anything (incl showering or eating) now i am almost ok.... it takes an enornous amount of effort but i set short term daily goals (now going step by step pruning trees)... i am still dragging my feer daily but if you have fallen into learned helplessness, i promise you you can get out of it.... one step at the time and you owe yourself a lot of tlc ad this is the fuel you will need. Self Love. I am sending you love from soul to soul, i hope you find your path sooner rather than later....
Same. Some people reproduce because they are looking to fill a void in their own lives, looking for someone to praise and worship them. Funny how you need training and a license for something as basic as cutting hair, but children? Have at it, fools!
Please try gratitude. I've read one Jewish book about gratitude: people wrote about how they didn't have something, wanted it so much, and they started practicing gratitude for about half an hour/hour each day. And they got what they wanted! Heavens are very generous. Remember this please: 'Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.'
I'm so tired of nothing leading anywhere; no reward or recognition, no matter the risk. When you have no evidence that things can get better, it is next to impossible to believe otherwise.
Yes. This right here. I'm not trying to encourage feelings of hopelessness, but I feel the same way as you and honestly just being validated helps me feel better. Helps me feel a little less alone and a little less crazy
Maybe there are little rewards and little recognitions that you can't see right now, because you're too down. Sometimes we have to give it to ourselves, and it does make a big difference. Just getting some bigger things done that are hard for me to do gives me boost. I finally fixed my ice maker to make cubes again. The fix that wasn't working before wasn't doing it this time. Took several wacks at it and nada. Finally, on one of my rare better days I really went at it and finally figured it out. I felt great about that for days, esp. every time the cubes came out. I kept saying, "I fixed it and did it myself". I mentioned it to friend and they were lacklustre and didn't see the big deal. That's ok, I knew it was a big deal.
I have self-sabotaged my entire life because of my insecurities. I always hit an imaginary limit and sabotage it. Once I started therapy and doing the work it slowly got better, but I’ve lost out on so many millions of dollars and beautiful relationships/opportunities because of my trauma and insecurity. I’m so sorry to anyone who has suffered. I love you all.
i hear you. at 63 i have spent my lifetime unravelling what consciously began as an inner feeling of disquiet, of anxiety about my very existence. not a sound footing for life is it, and as you say the loves and life opportunities lost because of this engendered, toxic insecurity ... as it says, it is learnt! taught! to guileless, helpless children! what monsters would do that! our parents and siblings. their parents and siblings. our societies. our institutions and 'authorities'. the very fabric of our ideology does this to us by externalising our sovereign sense of self. this toxic phenomenon lies at the heart of our existential discontents because without being able to ever feel content within ourselves we are doomed to try and find it elsewhere. we never will. look within. 🙏
I know it's hard, but it's pointless to think of lost opportunities. They're nothing more than past events. I don't worry too much about them. The truth is we don't know if these events were really an opportunity or not. This is a gift of hindsight, one that comes after the outcome of an event is realized. Otherwise, everything you do is just trial and error. We love these tales because everyone wants to believe they could be that person who hits life's jackpot. Or even just someone with a good story to tell, one that makes you proud and happy. Mark Cuban did an AMA and was asked if he could replicate what he has done in life, and he said, "No. A big part of it was luck." Fucking loved his honesty. Despite the fact that people would readily eat up whatever tale he had to tell about his life, and he could potentially add millions to his pile of billions, he chose to tell the truth. I can respect that. I know when I leave this world it's not going to bother me at all because there are things I loved so much that are already gone. Your grief is tied to this fact. It's a reminder you will be gone one day also, but it's comforting in a strange way. Many good people are now gone, and many more people will follow. You are one of the many.
Well....this really hit home for me. My sister and I grew up with a very critical, harsh, narcissistic mother and verbally and emotionally abusive father. To this day....NOTHING I DO IS EVERRRR "RIGHT". Nothing I do is ever good enough. And I mean NEVER. I believe that I gave up on many things years ago because....as you said...."why even try?" I'm 53 years old now. I have chronic health problems and chronic pain. Gee?! I wonder why?!! I've been invalidated my entire life. Mocked. And called every despicable name you can think of by my own father. My mother never stood up for me. But she did for my father. Sick. Right now I'm actually staying with my parents because I'm looking for a new place to live. I had nowhere else to go. And I'm still being treated like a kid. Still being invalidated and mocked. And now I have an ulcer. Hmmm. But there's a door that I can walk in and out of anytime, everyday and I don't. Or I haven't 🤔. So...my good friend who lives in New Jersey asked me to come stay with him. Because now I realize....yes it took this long!....that no matter how much therapy I get Nothing is ever going to change. My parents are toxic people with toxic behaviors. So I have to literally save myself from them. Sorry for the novel! But thank you for this truly insightful video! 😊
I can relate to your comment so much and I'm sending hugs. Please focus on becoming independent from your parents - like you said, they are destroying you. First step is an independent life away from their bad influence. I believe in you.
@user-im8xw6xh1l so sorry you have been dealt with a tricky set of life cards. you know your parents are toxic so the 1st thing to do is to find a safe place to live (consider van life, it can be liberating) living with your oldies is only going to be worse. Ignore what people say, YOUR opinion is king in your life, dont let others decide your reality. Much love 2u
I see my husband in your choice of a story. By the time we got together he was seriously damaged goods. We were 19 and 21 when we hitched wagons. His childhood is still haunting him at 65. So sad, he’s one of three siblings. The youngest died of an overdose, his brother is a severe alcoholic and he is a recovering alcoholic and dabbler in self medicating. How do you mess up all three of your children and never see it? My nightmare in-laws. They both passed by 70 years of age and I’ve felt lighter ever since.
"there's nothing I can do to make them a SAFE person" - I had to pause there. You just gave me a step forward in my healing process with this statement. Thank you!
I know the 'cage' is gone now, but just lay there and do nothing, and can't find the will to complete anything. I try to do all the things I enjoyed before, and every one of them feels just as empty as the cage.
Hi, I resonate with this. I get moments where i fight it and idk if it means moving to other parts of the cage. Even today while talking to the case manager I just slumped into my couch and didn't get up. I'm tired of this and sometimes i have the energy to cont. I hope you find it.
Look up Vivien Thomas. This guy had immense talent - very gifted - but was born in an unfortunate time and place. When I think about being knocked down, I think about this guy. Yet, he was wise enough to know surgery was his gift. He was a light, a beacon, and he opened a pathway for other young, talented surgeons to follow. He was a teacher and a healer. His portrait hangs at John Hopkins amongst other esteemed doctors. He left this earth as a doctor. I wish I knew how he recognized this enough to keep going, despite being pushed down. It must've been terrible, unbearable. Anyway, the point is, sometimes being pushed down has nothing to do with your actual worth. The injustices committed by others has more to do with their own false beliefs and prejudices. Something to protect their own ego with. Keep looking for whatever it is that makes your heart sing and good luck to you.
One of the sad things about depression is it makes people feel so isolated and all alone. Depression lies to us. Many many people are suffering. Not just us.
here's something to consider. it's not you that is at fault. it is how we are being made to live today that is at fault. to start with, list 5 values you consider most important to you. values you want to live by and have others respect. 🙏
I have a close friend in my life who is experiencing this. They have been depressed since they were a kid, and they’re in their early 30s now. They’ve pretty much given up on getting better or improving their situation. What is even more heartbreaking is that they are incredibly intelligent and have a lot of potential. I want to help them but I myself feel helpless.
You sound very caring. It's hard to help people with depression and you shouldn't take it upon yourself to fix. This requires treatment, self awareness and effort on their part. You've got to take care of you because you have a life to live as well. Take care of yourself first, OK? Whatever you do, don't try to "fix" them. The shadow will pass in it's own time and they will come out of the dark. I separate from friends when it's bad for me because it's painful to know they want to help but can't. To be frank, it's even irritating to listen to well-meaning "fixes". If it's of any help, my sensitive dog seemed to have solved this puzzling riddle, at least for me. She would simply acknowledge that she knew what was up somehow and just provide presence. I know - what the heck does this even mean? It's hard to explain, but it means that I just knew she was there. Sometimes, she would just press her face against mine, which is as cute as it sounds. But don't do that to your friend because it's kinda weird. I just wanted to mention it because it really was cute 🥰 Depression can make you feel terribly alone so this simple thing - presence - is really gold. Dogs also have this uncanny ability to appreciate life and it's simple wonders, so focus on just appreciating life. It can be contagious. If they're really in the dark, they'll just want to go home so don't be offended. It's not you. You can ask if s/he wants to talk. Maybe walk and talk for an extra challenge. Maybe forget that deep stuff and watch a movie together instead. Tell them the truth - like it's OK to just say you seem depressed. Or if it seems bad, to simply say, you're not looking too good. Crazy, huh? When I was younger, I had a sweet, sensitive friend, human this time. Probably a lot like you. This was before life robbed her of this quality as it inevitably will. She was funny! We had a similar sense of humor so she was just naturally dialed in to what would make me laugh. Use this if you have it. I could be wrong about this so suss out your friend really well first, please. But I do know what depression is, take it or leave it. You sound sweet and I hope you care about yourself just as much as you care about your friend.
Doc! I’ve probably watched 6 to 8 of your videos. I’ve actually felt some healing emotionally and mentally. I went to bed the other night and actually had the thought…oooo I’m excited about waking up tomorrow…..with nothing exciting planned for the day. 😮 keep going with your videos…. You’re making breakthroughs in lives. Thank you so much. ❤
Wow! I've always wondered why I am so nervous about putting forth effort towards something...the fear has always been "What if I put in all this effort and nothing comes of it, or it fails, or my effort is disparaged?" Thank you for solving that for me!
When your Mom does this to you, the powerlessness and depression are overwhelming. After decades of not understanding, as I begin to understand, if feel staggering hopelessness. I know which dog I was.
For sure. My toxic dad was abusive my whole life. Then he died. I moved back in with my wealthy mom and she stabbed me in the back again, so now I’m sleeping in a tent. Very low motivation or energy to do much at all.
I get that. I train canines and deal with LH sometimes, not often thank god; I also had a mother who was amazing but didn't know how or when to release pressure, which makes learning from someone like that really tough.
My childhood was very traumatic. My 1st memory of learned helplessness was with one parent when I was almost four years old. I gave up after one attempt at saying "no". My second memory with the other parent was just a few days after I turned four. I fought this parent daily in a reoccurring situation. I eventually gave up. Just a few weeks after I turned four, learned helplessness seemed to become a way of life for me. This week I've been reflecting on being helpless (and hopeless) as an adult. Example: I buy meat to cook, but throw it out when it goes bad. I don't try to cook it because I'm afraid I'll mess it up. Either way, I'm wasting money because I want to try, but then I don't try. I need to break this cycle. I was thinking about learned helplessness just before this video popped up. So, I guess if I try to cook meat but fail, at least I tried, which would mean the money wasn't wasted since it's a first step towards success. 😊 Thank you so much for the information and for your obvious compassion for people like me.
this is a topic that everyone needs to learn more about. I’ll also add that people cannot overcome Learned Helplessness alone, the brain that has learned the “learned helplessness” needs to be “taught” that there is an unelectrified floor. You cannot just “find a way out” from Learned Helplessness, the brain won’t let you. It has to be broken, not overcome
@@kth5263 in Seligman's studies, the researchers physically carried the helpless dogs to the safe side of the cage when the shocks started. After doing this a few times, the dogs learned that there was a safe place and went there. How a person would do this for their particular situation depends on the situation. I think the key part is to get yourself into safer situations and experience them. This is probably best accomplished with some social support -- whether that is outreach organizations, religious groups, supportive friends and family, whatever...it's probably POSSIBLE to do it without this (i.e., just "decide" and use "willpower"), but it would be very, very hard. Trying to do it alone shouldn't be something anyone expects of themselves, imo.
I like how the message isnt that its completely safe now but there is a very good chance, that whatever caused you pain in a certain area of your life, has now gone...thank you Dr. Scott...
For me, the divide has a guaranteed shock so much worse than the shock on the electrified side. I could escape, but would have to cross and crossing hurts far more than just staying on the electrified side.
I'm 38 just realizing my full potential. Where there's breath there's opportunity. It can and does absolutely get better if you want it to and you're willing to put the work in. You're already here getting informed so you've already started doing it 😀.
Being neurodivergent, in this society of ours you're invariably in a fully electrified cage, of this I am 100% sure. The electric shocks in this metaphor are human relationships. Impossible when alexithymia is your second name, essentially. I know isolation is deadly, but people don't feel safe either, and are in fact proven not to be. Let's say one half of the floor is electrified, the other gets red hot to the touch.
I am neurodivergent, and I found my safety in other neurodivergent people. My partner, and my friends, people who don't judge because they understand. It takes effort to find those people, but they are out there.
I hope someone didn't just randomly slap that label on you. That definitely requires assessment tests. Otherwise, it will do more harm than good. Some therapists are not good in practice, even if they're credentialed.
Yes, I was stationary in the mental ward and all that, got my Asperger's diagnosis some 20 years ago, long before neurodivergence was a buzzword. You're right though. The ADHD that comes coupled with that more often than not, nobody ever cared to check for, in several mental health institutions I attended over the years. I diagnosed myself with that quite recently. @@Here4TheHeckOfIt
I remember learning about the psychological study of the dog in the electrified cage who just lay down and gave up many years ago and said. "Oh god, that's me."
The more I learn about depression, abuse etc, the more aware I become that the main reason is my toxic abusive family, especially my mom. Unfortunately, there is no non-electrified floor for me. The "toxic acid" they injected in me for decades from day 1 just cannot be removed.
This describes me perfectly, however I AM still trying to find the non-electrified parts of my cage, even in my 50's, and still getting shocked. I have been struggling my entire life with everything about life because I am autistic, and this is why life will always be a struggle for me because autistic people are treated poorly in our society and not given the support we need. I'm practically at the end of my rope after so many decades of not just trying but getting real legit responses that I cannot be helped, every single day there are multiple examples of this where I am trying to escape the pain but I'm thrown back into it by society, by friends, by the government, by my therapists, by other professionals assigned to help me, and now I'm realizing that my learned helplessness was right, that I am stuck and things will never get better.
There's degrees of autism. From your writing, you seem closer to Asperger's. Many people with Asperger's work and they're doing great. There's specific types of work they do especially well in, but I don't know what they are exactly. Unfortunately, the West has been legendary in their poor treatment of neurodivergent people. I'm sorry you were treated poorly and it must hurt terribly. I suggest that you look at yourself honestly, find information on your own, and decide if half the stuff these people have labelled you as is, in fact, even true. I will tell you that autism is readily apparent a young age so keep that in mind. "Professionals" can be labellers instead. A legit therapist will go through a series of assessments with you to rule things out. If you hadn't gone through any of this, get rid of that therapist.They are being unethical. Also, there are many practitioners that outright suck because they're unable to remain objective with their clients. It's human to have instinctual likes and dislikes, but deeply unprofessional to remain ignorant of this fact. A caring professional will tell you outright that they are not a good fit for you. If they are unable to do any of this, they can cause great harm. I hope you find a way past this. 🕊️⚕️
I feel like in my life I'm the electric floor more so than my environment. My struggles with anxiety, and ADHD make engaging with close to most things in a day painful and exhausting. The most frustrating part for me is that every time I try to improve my life and fail, the learned helplessness and depression get a little worse. These days I find it hard to get myself to do anything because I never seem to improve, grow or learn. I'm just trying to keep trying at anything healthy and productive; I just feel so exhausted.
This is so accurate. Im currently in survival mode on the couch for over a year now. I cant afford trauma therpay so these videos are helping somewhat in recognising things about me. Im 44 and spemd my time wondering wtf was i put on this planet to do. Thank you for your videos 🙏💝
Survival mode is when you are homeless, with no choice but to sleep in a tent, if you even have one. Sorry, not trying to pick on you, just giving some context. I wish you well Max
@@_Arugula_Salad_ Survival mode is when you are trying to stay alive. No tent required. You were homeless then and think the world is about you??🙄 pillock
@@_Arugula_Salad_ This is from verywellhealth: "Survival brain is what happens when you feel mentally and/or emotionally overwhelmed and you're unable to process new ideas. Additionally, you may find basic everyday tasks that otherwise would feel easy for you to be more complicated or difficult." You don't have to be experiencing homelessness to go into survival mode. It can be caused by anything that feels overwhelming.
I wanted to watch your video about a depressive episode, but then I came across this one... And I realized something sad. Last year, I had a horrible toxic relationship with my roommate who was once a very good friend. As she became angrier and louder from time to time, I found myself becoming more silent and emotionally detached (on the surface level). Our everyday life became unbearable, but I continued living like this because I never even considered leaving that situation. When I finally moved out (after finishing my education and relocating to another town), I couldn't find a valid reason why I didn't change anything in our relationship or my living arrangements. Only now do I understand. My childhood home was just like that. I couldn't do anything about my father's outbursts of anger; I didn't have the right to complain or cry. So, I learned to suppress my emotions, become silent, and keep everything to myself.
I can relate to this strongly, except it was my toxic work environment. I just stayed hoping things would change, they never did of course and I put up with it, despite others asking why I didn’t leave. Same thing happened with a prior living situation. The way out is not alway easy to find.
I have always said this: Fear mongering is the root of ALL evil. And I will continue to say it. It also applies to everyday life experiences, anxiety, depression, society conformity. Fear and doubt/confusion causes paralysis.
Showered over a month ago, stay in bed all day, given up living now. Childrenhood emotional neglect. Kids with disorders and a grandson I had to rescue 4 times from abuse and neglect. He 9yrs and is now in the most loving family in foster care a few minutes away from me. The pressure has gone but the wounds are bad.
I would love for you to make a video on how to find a therapist that suits you according to your needs. After watching hundreds of videos all over UA-cam and years of therapy you are the only therapist I’ve been able to relate too because you’ve been there and are honest about it. I’ve always been a strong believer that I should be able to interview my therapist before I decide to move forward but I’ve never been sure how to do that without being insulting or disrespectful. A few times I’ve tried to ask questions and been told that I was there for me not them and I felt very dismissed. How can you accomplish anything if you’re therapist can’t relate and is just treating you by what a medical book says. I’ve also been told that it’s unethical or unprofessional. I’ve wasted so much time with a therapist to only realize it wasn’t the right fit and that just makes me more discouraged. Suggestions?
This is definitely coming soon! The only reason I haven’t made this video yet is that I’m hoping to do it as a collaboration with an agency who can tally provide services instead of me just generally describing them ❤️
@@julieseward1385 Please know that you are not alone on this journey. 60 years - that means you´ve made it through about 21.900 days despite your struggles. You´re a warrior, and I´m very proud of you. Keep going! ♥
Research types of therapy and styles and the different professionals and what each can do. When you get an idea of which type makes more sense for you to see (ex psychiatrist for meds, psychologist for diagnoses, an emdr therapist for trauma, etc). Then ask insurance to give you a list of therapists meeting that criteria. Call the people on the list and ask for a brief interview. The ones that won’t do that, skip them. The ones that do, choose from there. I found emdr and ifs therapy best for my trauma because they are active forms of therapy with prompts and exercises so I walk away with relief and I’m always learning and feel better asap. Then I see a neuropsychologist for longer term deep discussion type therapy of working through larger concepts and every day issues that come up. Also I did a DBT therapy group which was also great because I’d walk away with skills and practice them and watch others do the same and then have someone check in making sure I’m doing the homework and understanding it. Good luck to you!
Thank you so much. This reminds me of bobcat release videos, once they are free they stay put for a while not realising they are free. For me I learned I was going to get emotionally abused as a child and there was nothing I could do to change that, so I stopped crying and became deadened and numb to protect myself from suffering and the only blips of enjoyment/intensity came from my addictions. I needed to hear this today, I feel the grief and pain of my lost life and lost boys inside me. Today I’m trying to reparent myself with tender care, allowing the reality of grief to flow.
I definitely have this, but I don't know how to fix it. Even though I'm in a different place now, I still have trouble trying different things to improve my life because my brain is convinced it won't matter.
This was the perfect video for me. I’ve been in depression and anxiety since I was three years old I’m 62 now. I’m tired of this feeling so I have been trying hard to feel a little better. Love your videos. California Joanna
Please try gratitude. I've read one Jewish book about gratitude: people wrote about how they didn't have something, wanted it so much, and they started practicing gratitude for about half an hour/hour each day. And they got what they wanted! Heavens are very generous. Remember this please: 'Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.'
I was diagnosed with learned helplessness by a psychiatrist in 2016. I am 64 now. Growing up as the youngest of 12 children, I was the target of plenty of mental, sexual, and emotional abuse. I could not risk the abuse getting worse, so I stayed quiet and did not complain or tell anyone. Silence is the worst thing to do. The majority of the abuse took place when no one else was around. I was a smart, bright, and sociable child who became very depressed as a young teen. I was kicked out of the home at 16 on the pretense that I was pregnant, I wasn't. I engaged in high-risk behavior, but eventually went to university, and was able to work and raise a family. All of it came crashing down though, when I started to experience chronic stress attacks. I tried yoga, meditation, and drugs but eventually lost everything. I have tried CBT, DBT as well and they have helped somewhat. There is a nasty voice that lives in my head and it tells me all of the reasons I will never get it right. I try to argue with that nasty voice and tell it to shut up and get lost. I find it helps to be engaged in mental distractions, but before long the nasty voice is back and sabotaging my happiness.
I grew up with a mother that HATED me, was physically abusive and emotionally neglectful/intentionally mean and critical constantly, even into adulthood. My parents divorced when I was 6 yrs old, and, of course, she got custody. But then just a very short time later, she had my father's parental rights stripped from him and we were adopted by our stepfather, who then also abandoned us due to being military, stationed overseas, and fairly quickly divorce. But, you guessed it....I got stuck living with my mother, and although I prayed for someone to come and rescue me, no one ever did. I'm 53 years old now, but despite my best efforts, I can't seem to get my life together. And worse, I've alienated my own children from me. I very much feel and have felt "why bother" when the results always equal alone and failure.
Thank you! This makes so much sense. Encouraging! I can tell already that you are right! “Test the floor of your cage. See if it’s still what it used to be. You may find… that there’s a part of it… that’s safe now.” So true! It’s as if you just opened a window in an old, dark, dusty, suffocating room, and lots of fresh air is pouring in. I *do* have safe people and places! I don’t have to be so guarded all the time. Wow! This is life changing! Seriously! Something is changing in me for the better. I have known in my head I don’t live in traumatic circumstances anymore, but now I really get it!! Thank you. May God Almighty bless you for sharing so freely what you know.
i learned it back in middle school when like i said i was bullied no one was doing anything about it i was skipping lunch and crying at one of the lunch desks alone no one cared so i just gave up
I am 18 years old and this video today helped me realise a lot of things specially a lot of things about me, now that I have escaped the cage and completely changed everything by that I mean I got into my dream college and moved to a whole new country for it. I have so much more time to focus on myself. It’s no more fighting for survival or helplessness for me. I feel lost. I finally have it all but I feel lost emotionally. And this video made me cry. It made me realise so much honestly I felt supported. I felt that there is a Road for me and my journey.
Hey you - yes you. I see you and while I don't know you personally, I imagine that we would connect in solidarity for the pain that we can both relate to. I want you to know that you are good enough, that you are more than good enough. You are actively seeking to heal, to become a healthier person. Maybe you are doing it just for your benefit - and that's the right reason, so I am proud of you for doing that! Maybe you are doing it for the benefit of others around you, people that you care about, that you love - and even if you can't find the self compassion and love to do that for yourself yet, it speaks volumes about what a truly awesome human you are, because there is no greater expression of love than to put the needs of those that you love ahead of your own. I do wish for you to one day (soon) to be able to genuinely find that self compassion and love to realise that you are also deserving of a life free from trauma and helplessness. This isn't positivity, I certainly hope not the toxic kind anyway. It is an acknowledgement of your (and my) efforts, a validation of the pain that brought you here and how much that hurt, how unfair that feels sometimes, and how never-ending that can also feel. You don't have to wholeheartedly agree with me, to high-five yourself or anything, but even if you could let my comments sit in your consciousness for a little bit without pushing it away, then that's tremendous progress. I wish you freedom from pain and freedom of choice, I wish you joy, I wish you a feeling of belonging - and you do belong. And most of all, I wish for you the ability to see yourself for who you truly are - someone who deserves compassion and love, someone who has survived in spite of the pain and fear, someone who has developed a gift of awareness - of being able to recognise the pain in others and of being able to (when you can) extend compassion towards others that you didn't receive when you needed it. Together we can build a better future for ourselves and for each other. I'm glad you're here.
Finding MBTI and figuring out my type Was quite possibly one of the best things that has happened to me in the last 20 years and is helped with my severe Depression immensely. Sincerely INTJ
Thank you for the warning regarding a hard to hear story about dogs. I am an empath, and more than anything else in the world, I am super sensitive to sad stories about animals. I (59) have been like this my whole life. Stories about animal abuse or just sad stories about animals that I heard/witnessed from 40 years ago still haunt me to this day.
it’s over but now any experience that has similar stimuli automatically triggers that fear of it happening again and then i feel level 10 grief and disappointment in that moment. the hardest emotion is feeling disappointment. it triggers the same depth of emotion that i felt in other traumas just cause it’s a similar emotion. and then I Tap out and then it triggers a death drive for me.
I am 69 years old and this is the first time that someone made since to me. I have been in a couple of mental institutions, on many meds, had many psych doctors and your one video has given me more insight than over 50 years of all the rest. Amazing
We’re on the Same page, bro. Or bra. Or whatever. I’m on my third listen. Looking for the accomplishments versus something. I need an accomplishment today. Completed. Finished. We can do this.
I cried during 2/3 of this video, I'm still crying. I know I'm not in the same place anymore but I cannot find a way out no matter how hard I try. It's 1 step forward 2 steps backwards, always...
For me, the covid measures and restrictions were the cause. I felt stuck - I hated to stay home in our small village, unable to meet any of my friends and having to study online which was an absolute nightmare for me. Suddenly, all I loved about studying at university was gone (like being with fellow students, enjoying the classes, having the support of the mentors...) and I was left only with the hard work and messages/video calls to replace real friendships. And there was nothing I could do about it - I had to just wait as everybody else did. I eventually ended up badly depressed and was feeling stuck and alone even long after the restrictions ended (learned helplessness). Only recently I am getting better and I realize now that I actually do not have to keep going so alone and hurting anymore - I can talk about my experience with other people, I can socialize and see new people, I can find new hobbies if the old ones don't work for me anymore... I wasn't able to do these things when depressed because I felt so drained and desparate. But just a few weeks ago I realized it might not be the truth for me anymore. Like... I still don't feel good, but maybe I can try to do something about it. Maybe now I have the strength to do so. And so I finally go to therapy and I've started to watch videos including the Dr. Scott's ones (by the way, they are by far the most helpful ones I've found - thank you so much for making them). And it helps. Very, very, very slowly... but it does and that gives me hope I can pull myself out of this :-)
I had a fiancé and a great job. I never missed work, and I never missed buying a meal for her and I. I moved away from my family to support her goals, I bought her the ring she wanted, I was saving up for a house, I dedicated my life savings and my old 401k to our goal of a house and a family. She decided to leave me out of the blue, I missed 1 day at work because my situation was all the sudden in chaos. 2 weeks later I got laid off from my job for no reason. All my efforts over 12 years in my career and personal life backfired and left me worse off then before I started. I’m in the ultimate stop trying position.
This is a sudden change in your environment. Perhaps you are simply in shock. It's very normal to feel lost after this. You'll get your bearings eventually. The learned helplessness study is really about trauma.
I read about the study with dogs before, and learned helplessness is a real thing. I'd love to hear more, of what people can do to get, and STAY, out of that mindset. It seems like the Law of Attraction that just as one who experiences success, love and respect from people tend to attract more of the same, so do people who have been through abuse, rotten "luck" and depression, also seem to attract the same (and eventually stop trying). I'm *really* tired of it!!!!!
When it all just ends the same When trusting only leads to hurt When learning how to open your heart your unfortunate to open it too someone who would just break it I learn one thing though If this world fails too make you bitter you become kinder and wiser
Wow this video was very eye opening for me. Yes I experienced abuse as a child and learned helplessness is something I’ve experienced. Tbh it’s something I still struggle with 😔
This video and others you’ve posted in the topic of anhedonia have gone a long way to explaining how/why/what brought me to this stage of life. Alone, hurt, and avoidant at 58 isn’t a good look for a formerly vibrant, ambitious, world-traveling, solo go getter. I’ve been in this valley before and self-distracted my way out so many times I thought it was my default to just tighten my proverbial chinstrap and lean in, keep moving, keep making plans, keep buying the stuff, keep doing it on my own because no one is coming to my rescue. Anyway, here I am again and none of the stand by strategies are worth the effort, none of the self-care is comforting, none of the trips/plans have any color. I am becalmed, isolated/isolating, and growing too accustomed to the dim lit, half-life, slow shuffle my “world” has become.
@cherryllcooper679 why do you think that the effort you tried to get moving last time is not worth it now? your tone or narrative talk about yourself seems abit self depreciating temporarily. perception can change anytime, thoughts aren't permanent. do you or anyone have any past ideas of any youtube channels or videos that may give more examples on how to reignite, kick-start and maybe prolong or sustain the 'get moving' phase? or ways to encourage self? (perhaps the non mainstream theory base way?) tyvm!
I was told growing up often by my step mom who raised me that I was invisible, that no-one would remember me and I was unimportant. She was an incest survivor and probably felt that way herself. As a kid, I had made her trauma my truth. It still haunts me as a grown adult, that uncertainty do " I belong." I have good & rough days. Today was really hard it was also the anniversary of losing my dog, my most unconditional friend. I cant process all the sadness at once but I am learning to look at truth of the matter. This video was a godsend ... whew..deep breath..
It was education for me. From 5-14 I had a vision disorder that severely hampered my ability to learn in an school system that wasn't equipped to help me. I was failing in school no matter what I did. My parents desperately tried to reassure me I was intelligent & not to base my value on my grades. But that's hard when you're 8 and struggling to do something everyone else finds easy. Eventually the disorder was diagnosed & treated but it took me 20 years to recover from that experience . Even now, I still slip back into it when I'm having a bad day, but it helps that my husband is my cheerleader and reminds of the times I've succeeded so Ishouldn't assume failure right from the start. It's not just that he encourages me, but that I believe what he says, that helps me out of those dark moments. (Which would be my advice to anyone who suffers from learned helplessness. Believe the cheerleaders in your life!)
I'm nearly 30. I only have a second grade math skills level. In first and second grades, I saw all of my classmates and friends accel at math, but I just couldn't grasp it. No matter how hard I tried, I would get failing grades, and then my parents would shame and punish me for it. I thought everyone else gets it so easily, but I'm just not smart enough. That's when I learned that I shouldn't even bother trying, and I went on to fail every math class until I dropped out of high school. Now, I take medication for anxiety & depression. I have no friends, and I've never had a girlfriend because I don't see the point in even trying.
It’s like with horses…hen they’re young they get tied up to unmovable posts or ground stakes. For years. Then when they are huge and older, you could tie them up to a super lightweight folding chair and they will believe they are stuck to something immovable Learned helplessness is some major fuckery and I trust we all will break thru and past it
Wow this is dead-on for me. When I heard the words “learned helplessness” this video grabbed me tight. I’ve had a pretty good life yet this is me. If I feel this way I’m very sorry for people who’ve had it way worse. I’ve had lots of traumas, some my fault, some not. I feel like stress finally broke me at about 38 years old. After a few years of SSRIs, therapy, and changing employers, I should be fine but now I have three kids under 5 and it keeps me right there at the cliff. Everything overall is good yet I can barely get through each day.
I find myself in the place you describe as learned helplessness. I recognise that in the case and that it is seated in those situations you described, family sports and work… I also recognise that the common factor there is ‘me’… and therefore it is a problem within me. I have reached a point where trying so hard in each and every scenario in life and feeling a lack of sufficient recognition from them has left me exhausted. I may well be in a safe place but I would rather give up on trying to evade that because the risk of ‘shock’ is greater than my will to avoid it. I get the problem. I see the potential of freedom from the problem or maybe even acceptance if not redemption. I just don’t have any fight in me right now. Day by day the seconds pass and it’s exhausting.
I've been feeling like this for a few years now. Finally making the first steps to crawl out of it. This is the first thing I've seen that addresses it. Thank you.
After 20 years with my abuser, I did carry that learned helplessness almost all the way through my second marriage, and even now, I sometimes find myself reverting to that. But I also learned along the way, that things can go right, things can work out. I sure wish there was a better way for these studies to be conducted, though.😢 Thanks, Dr. Scott.
I have watched hundreds of videos by psych doctors, and I can say, you seem to be the only one who speaks from experience and genuinely understands the condition
I can cognitivly comprehend that my "cage" may have changed, while I have not. At the same time recognize that I am still in a cage, even if it may have changed. There is two levels of helplessness. Helplessness against the temporal physical pain may have a solution, but I am still caged. Hope for freedom is what was sacrificed, both freedom from a temporal pain and freedom from the cage. What good comes from choosing to flee from the temporal pain and living in the corner? It only makes the cage that much smaller. To hope hurts, when there is no hope to hope in.
This was most unsettling as I learnt the name and causes of my lethargy. I related to this. I am no longer living the " pain I can't get away from". I'll test the full floor. Thank you.
Makes perfect sense to me. I have been in and out of the “cage.” I now am finding myself back in the cage due to circumstances beyond my control. I truly understand the concept. I love the way you relate analogies and bringing studies into the conversation. You are so relatable because you have been through so much. Love your helpful videos! ❤
"We never know till we try" Please think of that phrase in the tiniest of situations where you find yourself helpless, and even if its outcome is bad, congratulate yourself for not having left that option unexplored, you're doing what you have to after all
Oh, I was just thinking about this yesterday. Even seemingly minor things, like the thermostat. I sit there literally shivering because it doesn't even occur to me that I can change the thermostat without my siblings complaining. It's so bad, why I don't even grab a jacket is anyone's guess... I guess ok/powering through is good enough in my brain???🤦🏻♀️
@@DrScottEilers My husband first suggested I had learned helplessness about 5 years ago and I read about the study then. I feel like it's so deep that I have a hard time identifying it. I wasn't abused as such. My parents, especially my mom, was a little controlling, but they're still really good people. Many people have even told me they wish my parents were their parents.
After a childhood where I was trained to trust others instead of my "incapable" self I married a covert narc who spent 23 years brainwashing me to see myself as worthless and their every word as law...I became extremely isolated and agoraphobic...Even after I unraveled their deceit, deciding I could go out again and reconnect again and taking steps to make it happen was HARD...Now I'm connecting with my old and new friends and my community, taking advantage of a nearby park and the church up the street, finding local resources, etc....I just keep thinking how many years I was "trapped" and "alone" and "incapable"....all these things were always here, yet I stayed stuck even after the ex and their abuse was gone, and now this whole new world of possibilities suddenly FEELS possible...glad I found your channel.
Hi Scott I always had mild anxiety. But I used it to my advantage. I would hide in my work to get past it. Starting about two years ago, I had a horrible panic attack ( first one ever). I then got depressed and incapacitated. I now have trouble doing daily tasks . I still work, but when I have to do basic paperwork, I procrastinate and then have fear of doing it. Now it is at the point I may get in trouble at work. I believe this came when my 2nd wife’s malignant narcissistic behavior came out. She started hitting me, calling me names and spent all my money. She then held me prisoner to the point that I had to escape in the middle of the night. Now if of course she is apologizing and trying to reconcile. I believe a lot of it is she needs money. I know that one way to cure my anxiety is if I could come up with the $200k of my life savings that she took from me. I am miserable. I was so happy before I married her. I am totally helpless !!
This video appeared to me at the moment I needed to hear this. The past few days I have been thinking 'why am I trying to live. what is the point of it.' Seeing your video right now, introduced me to the terminology learned helplessness and I definitely match the causes of it. 'There is nothing you can do or anything you could do right. Why are you even living' This played in my mind. But I will change it now. To move from helplessness to in control 🙂
Dr Eilers, When it comes to people with learned helplessness - it's not so much that they cannot see the same area on the other side. Our brains are somewhere aware that this state is not the same as the past. That we can assert our will and change things. What goes amiss is that spurt, those mental resources which will make us spring into action.
My goodness, your first 5 mins of talking was spot on for me, it had me in tears, sometimes you think you are the only person who thinks like that 🤦♀️. Thank you, you are a gem 🙏❤
I am here in 2024. I am 49. I have done a lot of work around CPTSD, read tons of books for the past 25 years, watched thousands of of hours of UA-cam videos ( mainly professors / peer reviewed papers ) and I just came to the conclusion that this is where I have been stuck for the past few years. Trauma : 20 years of dealing with a psychopath and no matter what I did to break up with him and get him out of my house physically, he wouldn’t leave my home. I felt helpless, hopeless , and completely loss of power . I gave up trying. I lived through the emotional abuse, psychological abuse, and ambiance abuse for more than 10 years. No sexual interaction , no relationship whatsoever , yet I had to tolerate seeing him watching TV in my living room day in and day out. I started feeling more and more depressed. Even though he finally chose to leave in 2020( when he wanted to ) I still feel frozen. I am unemployed and on survival mode. How do I get unstuck? I know logically that I must find a group to connect . Return to dance classes , return to yoga , etc. and I do schedule it , but I can’t find the energy to go through with it .
Every time I test the floor, I get shocked again. I've changed floors so many times and yet the shocks still happen. I'm not sure why it is like this for some people. Maybe it's a look, an appearance, or a behavior that triggers an instinct in some mindsets. It feels like an organized effort, but I think that is giving humanity too much credit. Perhaps it's related to honesty. The dishonest typically don't get treated his way, or so it seems to me. It's very annoying. Thanks for the video. I feel like I'm the dog that got left in the bad cage. Looked at but not seen when they moved all the others.
I remember learning about this in college only it didn't resonate w/ me until now thanks to your brilliant analogy and insight. ❤ I was in the electric cage from the time I was 6 until I was 19; I was physically/mentally abused by my mother and bullied at school. Therapy, SSRIs and understanding this situation was temporary helped me endure the abuse and neglect. I moved out at 19 and created a beautiful life for myself achieving my academic and career goals and managing my MDD so it was on the back burner for 20 years; it was a beautiful, fun, exciting and fulfilling life. In 2020 everything changed. I was rendered housebound by debilitating chronic illness I inherited so I had to move back into my mother's house out of necessity. Her pattern of abuse didn't change but I did. And, I wasn't going to allow her to continue to abuse me so I took my mother to civil court filing for an order of protection. No, the piece of paper didn't stop her from being abusive but going through this and being validated by a judge gave me what I needed to speak out against the abuse, take back my voice and my autonomy over my body/mind. By no means is this living arrangement easy, pleasant or healthy. And neither is homelessness. There will be a day when I leave this house (again) and I'll need therapy to heal. Until then I may be back in this cage but I've cut the electricity. ;) ❤
Great video doc! The thing is so many of us who have become aware of the safe cage still have one foot one the floor of the 1st cage. Still getting electrocuted once in a while and still thinking we don't deserve or have the capacity of a life in the safe cage. (or even better, outside of the cage so to speak!)
As soon as you said “it involves dogs” … NOPE!!! Stopped the video right there. Almost had me in tears with those words. So THANK YOU for giving us a trigger warning. This is a HUGE one for me. I am SO emotionally attached to/empathetic towards/engulfed and overwhelmed whenever there is a HINT of sth wrong with an animal, especially a dog. My friends mock me. It saddens me. OK now I’m crying. I don’t own a dog bc I don’t think I can cope w the emotions I feel. I’m not making sense now …
I found your channel recently and love your content but wish I had stopped listening when you said it involved animals. Fair enough you gave the warning. But then you went on to say you're glad they did the study!! There is no justification for using animals in any shit like that and I'm very disappointed and angered by that view.
My parents had a bad relationship, they did not get along and it really affected me. I felt like we had this facade to maintain, outside we pretended to be a nice family but inside we hated each other. My mother was highly critical and perpetually disatisfied, with what I said, with what I did, there was always a correction or something I could have done better. I constantly argued with her to no avail because she is to this day completely unable to recognize her critical attitude, she blameshifts, deflects and rewrites history, I really hated her personality but at the same time I kept waiting for her to become a good, supportive mother one day. As I got older we became codependent, after a particularly difficult and stressful time in my life I finally cracked and just haven't been able to put the pieces back together. Watching your videos is giving me some hope that I can make it one day. Thank you for the work you do, most of your videos really speak to how I feel, you address things that my psychotherapist never talks about. Sometimes I feel like I should't feel this way because I was never physically abused or openly mistreated. I feel like in my case it happened in a slow, lethal drip, similar to the cage you describe.
I understand the importance of experimentation. But I don't understand how human beings could have abused dogs in this horrible manner. I'm 72 and having a crying jag. 😢
Thank you for putting the "dog story" in its own section that I could jump over. (I've read about this before so I know what you're going to describe.) You're right. It's sad and I just didn't want to hear about it again. The rest of the video was wonderful and insightful though. Thank you for all that you do.
After hearing your presentation I now see that my learned helplessness (due to a very abusive (emotional and physical )childhood at the hands of my parents) is the root cause of my alcohol use disorder.
Good question. Some philosophers think that you're not doing anything no matter what you do because it might be a virtual universe. What we really have is a mass culture where there's too many people to recognize one another so nobody gets acknowledged correctly
It's awfully hard to try to establish oneself as a writer and not succumb to total helplessness. Now, THERE'S one field where it doesn't matter shit what you do. I just have to figure out how to block the world out and not rely on it for any positive feelings surrounding writing, or I won't be able to write anything at all.
I've no idea what safe looks like... and I'm an elder, a lifetime being crushed by narcissists... only in the passed 4 months, I've discovered my family's abuse toward me... I went into a rage for 2 months... I am getting some help, need much more. I want my life back... to be happy again, experience joy. I think it's called anhedonia.
Scott, I have an IMPOSSIBLE case of CPTSD and DID with periods of psychosis that has been difficult to treat. I’m 32 and I’ve been in therapy since I had my first psychotic break at 15. I’ve tried half a dozen therapists, several psychiatrists, countless medications, many spiritual practices, studied psychology/science/philosophy to better understand my issues, and even went to the top of a mountain and water fasted. While I have achieved some success in life, I am still held back on a daily basis. I seldom feel joy, happiness, or peace and carry around a deep pain that has existed 24/7 since I was about 4 years old. I continue to fight but I’m experiencing a great amount of despair and had to quit my job and stop working on my business just to keep myself from committing suicide. I want to experience peace. The only time I felt it was water fasting but that’s not a sustainable practice. You may be one of the only people in the country who could help me. Do you think we might be able to chat? Thank you 🙏
You are in my prayers. The struggles are real. Hang in there & don't give up. We are all here for a reason. God has a plan. Sometimes, the plan is none of my business. Suit up & show up. Sending you much love ❤️.
I know for a fact that you are an amazing person and stronger than I could ever hope to be! Please, please don't give up or let your abusers define your future or your identity for you. You're willingness to work on healing yourself is phenomenal! Try to be around nice people who treat you well. You are so loved by God and worthy of a wonderful life going forward. Please don't give up! We need you here!❤❤❤
Thanks you two! To be honest I've never understood people who didn't want to work on healing. I need to be healed as much as I need oxygen. It is a singular pursuit that has controlled my life to some extent. I'm no contact with my mother and her side of the family, and have very limited contact with my father and his side. I cut my abusers out of my life 4 years ago and they have been my most sucessful years to date! Still I am suffering. I feel lost and unsure of what to do with myself. I just keep dragging myself along every day because I can really only be certain of this life. Philosophically I can see beyond the ego and my present self but it does nothing to relieve my suffering. There is a substantial difference between knowing and being. I have a lot of knowing but very little being. I'm reminded of a saying my therapist, a practicing shaman, said to me nearly every meeting: "let no one be deceived that a knowledge of the path is substitute for putting one foot in front of the other." It makes be think about the Zen Koen about the student who meets an enlightened man carrying a heavy sack as he walks down the road. The aspiring monk says to the man "I see you are enlightened, would you please bless me and tell me what it means to be enlightened?" The old man smiles and drops his heavy sack onto the ground. The student says "I understand Master! Thank you! But, what comes after enlightenment?" The old man smiles again, leans over, and hoists the heavy sack back over his shoulder, continuing to walk down the road.
@SameDayTwice this therapist can't help you, none can help you. Only you can help you, and even you aren't willing to help you. If you aren't willing to risk feeling, cause it's too terrifying, you won't heal. You have learned a lot, but none of it will help you, if you are using it as a replacement for actually experiencing your pain. And that's ok too. You can choose to have a limited but ok life.
The behavior of the dogs that gave up is very understandable. I also see social applications for this theory, as well, such as race, gender, class/status, etc.
I grew up in an alcoholic home with verbal abuse and domestic violence. As an adult, therapy at different times helped tremendously. The past 13 years, I went through an ugly divorce, experienced life threatening illness and job loss. Counseling helped, but I felt drained. My last job as a nurse was in a abusive environment via employees and management. In January 2022, I was assaulted at work and have had life altering injuries. My boss harassed me and physically threatened me until I felt like I'd regressed to childhood. I have depression, anxiety and PTSD. I'm improving but this hit home. I need to get back to Counseling. Thanks.
People are so cruel. It's because they also have no control over their lives. The hospital probably shits on your boss as well. Those environments are often top-down hierarchies and the abuse filters down that way. Just look at Fox News and the whole Ahlers scandal. That is the best example of top-down hierarchy type of abuse of power. America loves this shit, though so we just have generation after generation of terrible management. And it shows.
I just would say here that, as you told this story of learned helplessness, I was balling as the realization of this term I had never heard before - rattled me deeply. I thank you for your calm, clear delivery and you have calmed me, in this moment to believe there's more to my life but that I have to not give up. PS - Dogs have been my family for over 45 years and I can't imagine thinking up these types of torture so that we can learn about ourselves. I hope those that see this video are grateful to them and to you, for having to explain a very difficult experiment that has helped me and I hope others, now re-learn that there is a safe place but we have to go get it.
Ugh! People are unbelievably foolish. I hate the idea of using dogs this way as well. There are many instances of human-human torture they could've gleaned this info from. Psychology as a field can be bonkers sometimes.
This does make sense 100%. I could relate to every bit of it. Where was this gem of a video all this while. My Goodness! Everything's making so much sense now. This is GOLD.
Two examples of learned helplessness that resonate with me: - being a woman raised to clean, cook and f**k, incapable of winning over men in life - being unable to change anything in my completely corrupt country. At war I hope something can change, if I believe it.
I was emotionally abused since early childhood, and as a kid I tried everything to make it stop. Then in my 20s, I lost hope in everything. I gave up, because there was no escape. Now as an adult, I don't try anymore. I feel like I am just going with the flow, instead of building a life that's worth living.
There's alot to be said for going with the flow.
i understand how you feel. i can relate. i spend months laying on the couch unable to do anything (incl showering or eating) now i am almost ok.... it takes an enornous amount of effort but i set short term daily goals (now going step by step pruning trees)... i am still dragging my feer daily but if you have fallen into learned helplessness, i promise you you can get out of it.... one step at the time and you owe yourself a lot of tlc ad this is the fuel you will need. Self Love. I am sending you love from soul to soul, i hope you find your path sooner rather than later....
Same. Some people reproduce because they are looking to fill a void in their own lives, looking for someone to praise and worship them.
Funny how you need training and a license for something as basic as cutting hair, but children? Have at it, fools!
Please try gratitude. I've read one Jewish book about gratitude: people wrote about how they didn't have something, wanted it so much, and they started practicing gratitude for about half an hour/hour each day. And they got what they wanted! Heavens are very generous. Remember this please: 'Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.'
Same. It’s like, what’s the point of all of this?
I'm so tired of nothing leading anywhere; no reward or recognition, no matter the risk. When you have no evidence that things can get better, it is next to impossible to believe otherwise.
Yes. This right here. I'm not trying to encourage feelings of hopelessness, but I feel the same way as you and honestly just being validated helps me feel better. Helps me feel a little less alone and a little less crazy
Maybe there are little rewards and little recognitions that you can't see right now, because you're too down. Sometimes we have to give it to ourselves, and it does make a big difference. Just getting some bigger things done that are hard for me to do gives me boost. I finally fixed my ice maker to make cubes again. The fix that wasn't working before wasn't doing it this time. Took several wacks at it and nada. Finally, on one of my rare better days I really went at it and finally figured it out. I felt great about that for days, esp. every time the cubes came out. I kept saying, "I fixed it and did it myself". I mentioned it to friend and they were lacklustre and didn't see the big deal. That's ok, I knew it was a big deal.
I have self-sabotaged my entire life because of my insecurities.
I always hit an imaginary limit and sabotage it.
Once I started therapy and doing the work it slowly got better, but I’ve lost out on so many millions of dollars and beautiful relationships/opportunities because of my trauma and insecurity.
I’m so sorry to anyone who has suffered.
I love you all.
well said friend!
i hear you. at 63 i have spent my lifetime unravelling what consciously began as an inner feeling of disquiet, of anxiety about my very existence.
not a sound footing for life is it, and as you say the loves and life opportunities lost because of this engendered, toxic insecurity ...
as it says, it is learnt! taught! to guileless, helpless children! what monsters would do that!
our parents and siblings. their parents and siblings. our societies. our institutions and 'authorities'.
the very fabric of our ideology does this to us by externalising our sovereign sense of self.
this toxic phenomenon lies at the heart of our existential discontents because without being able to ever feel content within ourselves we are doomed to try and find it elsewhere. we never will. look within. 🙏
I know it's hard, but it's pointless to think of lost opportunities. They're nothing more than past events. I don't worry too much about them. The truth is we don't know if these events were really an opportunity or not. This is a gift of hindsight, one that comes after the outcome of an event is realized. Otherwise, everything you do is just trial and error. We love these tales because everyone wants to believe they could be that person who hits life's jackpot. Or even just someone with a good story to tell, one that makes you proud and happy. Mark Cuban did an AMA and was asked if he could replicate what he has done in life, and he said, "No. A big part of it was luck." Fucking loved his honesty. Despite the fact that people would readily eat up whatever tale he had to tell about his life, and he could potentially add millions to his pile of billions, he chose to tell the truth. I can respect that.
I know when I leave this world it's not going to bother me at all because there are things I loved so much that are already gone. Your grief is tied to this fact. It's a reminder you will be gone one day also, but it's comforting in a strange way. Many good people are now gone, and many more people will follow. You are one of the many.
I love you all too
This is the story of my life…
Well....this really hit home for me. My sister and I grew up with a very critical, harsh, narcissistic mother and verbally and emotionally abusive father. To this day....NOTHING I DO IS EVERRRR "RIGHT". Nothing I do is ever good enough. And I mean NEVER. I believe that I gave up on many things years ago because....as you said...."why even try?" I'm 53 years old now. I have chronic health problems and chronic pain. Gee?! I wonder why?!! I've been invalidated my entire life. Mocked. And called every despicable name you can think of by my own father. My mother never stood up for me. But she did for my father. Sick. Right now I'm actually staying with my parents because I'm looking for a new place to live. I had nowhere else to go. And I'm still being treated like a kid. Still being invalidated and mocked. And now I have an ulcer. Hmmm. But there's a door that I can walk in and out of anytime, everyday and I don't. Or I haven't 🤔. So...my good friend who lives in New Jersey asked me to come stay with him. Because now I realize....yes it took this long!....that no matter how much therapy I get Nothing is ever going to change. My parents are toxic people with toxic behaviors. So I have to literally save myself from them. Sorry for the novel! But thank you for this truly insightful video! 😊
It’s OK, I’m so sorry you’ve gone through all of that though ❤️
I can relate to your comment so much and I'm sending hugs. Please focus on becoming independent from your parents - like you said, they are destroying you. First step is an independent life away from their bad influence. I believe in you.
@@Skrzacik Thank you! 😊
@user-im8xw6xh1l so sorry you have been dealt with a tricky set of life cards. you know your parents are toxic so the 1st thing to do is to find a safe place to live (consider van life, it can be liberating) living with your oldies is only going to be worse. Ignore what people say, YOUR opinion is king in your life, dont let others decide your reality. Much love 2u
I see my husband in your choice of a story. By the time we got together he was seriously damaged goods. We were 19 and 21 when we hitched wagons. His childhood is still haunting him at 65. So sad, he’s one of three siblings. The youngest died of an overdose, his brother is a severe alcoholic and he is a recovering alcoholic and dabbler in self medicating.
How do you mess up all three of your children and never see it? My nightmare in-laws. They both passed by 70 years of age and I’ve felt lighter ever since.
"there's nothing I can do to make them a SAFE person" - I had to pause there. You just gave me a step forward in my healing process with this statement. Thank you!
“This entire cage hurts, and there’s no point in trying to find the safe part of it, because it doesn’t exist.”
That’s how I feel about life.
I know the 'cage' is gone now, but just lay there and do nothing, and can't find the will to complete anything. I try to do all the things I enjoyed before, and every one of them feels just as empty as the cage.
If I may ask, have you considered trying new things? It might bring back the joy of experiencing.
Hi, I resonate with this. I get moments where i fight it and idk if it means moving to other parts of the cage. Even today while talking to the case manager I just slumped into my couch and didn't get up. I'm tired of this and sometimes i have the energy to cont. I hope you find it.
This study defines my life. Yes life is pain and suffering, but it's the relentless knock down when trying for something better that breaks you.
Sad, but your definition of your life much defines my own.
Look up Vivien Thomas. This guy had immense talent - very gifted - but was born in an unfortunate time and place. When I think about being knocked down, I think about this guy. Yet, he was wise enough to know surgery was his gift. He was a light, a beacon, and he opened a pathway for other young, talented surgeons to follow. He was a teacher and a healer. His portrait hangs at John Hopkins amongst other esteemed doctors. He left this earth as a doctor. I wish I knew how he recognized this enough to keep going, despite being pushed down. It must've been terrible, unbearable. Anyway, the point is, sometimes being pushed down has nothing to do with your actual worth. The injustices committed by others has more to do with their own false beliefs and prejudices. Something to protect their own ego with. Keep looking for whatever it is that makes your heart sing and good luck to you.
Same as @charles
One of the sad things about depression is it makes people feel so isolated and all alone. Depression lies to us. Many many people are suffering. Not just us.
here's something to consider. it's not you that is at fault. it is how we are being made to live today that is at fault.
to start with, list 5 values you consider most important to you. values you want to live by and have others respect. 🙏
ps. research theories of motivation. 👍
@@inhale.exhale.2527 Thank you!!
Yeah - this is a very sticky part of depression. It can really seem as if there is no way out, no end in sight.
Yes, but knowing that other people are suffering as well does nothing to alleviate depression.
"you might not have realised that, that part of your life might be over "
Such a poignant and powerful insight 🙏🏽
I have a close friend in my life who is experiencing this. They have been depressed since they were a kid, and they’re in their early 30s now. They’ve pretty much given up on getting better or improving their situation. What is even more heartbreaking is that they are incredibly intelligent and have a lot of potential. I want to help them but I myself feel helpless.
You sound very caring. It's hard to help people with depression and you shouldn't take it upon yourself to fix. This requires treatment, self awareness and effort on their part. You've got to take care of you because you have a life to live as well. Take care of yourself first, OK? Whatever you do, don't try to "fix" them. The shadow will pass in it's own time and they will come out of the dark. I separate from friends when it's bad for me because it's painful to know they want to help but can't. To be frank, it's even irritating to listen to well-meaning "fixes". If it's of any help, my sensitive dog seemed to have solved this puzzling riddle, at least for me. She would simply acknowledge that she knew what was up somehow and just provide presence. I know - what the heck does this even mean? It's hard to explain, but it means that I just knew she was there. Sometimes, she would just press her face against mine, which is as cute as it sounds. But don't do that to your friend because it's kinda weird. I just wanted to mention it because it really was cute 🥰
Depression can make you feel terribly alone so this simple thing - presence - is really gold. Dogs also have this uncanny ability to appreciate life and it's simple wonders, so focus on just appreciating life. It can be contagious. If they're really in the dark, they'll just want to go home so don't be offended. It's not you. You can ask if s/he wants to talk. Maybe walk and talk for an extra challenge. Maybe forget that deep stuff and watch a movie together instead. Tell them the truth - like it's OK to just say you seem depressed. Or if it seems bad, to simply say, you're not looking too good. Crazy, huh? When I was younger, I had a sweet, sensitive friend, human this time. Probably a lot like you. This was before life robbed her of this quality as it inevitably will. She was funny! We had a similar sense of humor so she was just naturally dialed in to what would make me laugh. Use this if you have it.
I could be wrong about this so suss out your friend really well first, please. But I do know what depression is, take it or leave it. You sound sweet and I hope you care about yourself just as much as you care about your friend.
Sad to think we become so accustomed to abuse in childhood we think the sum total of our life experience is pain.
Doc! I’ve probably watched 6 to 8 of your videos. I’ve actually felt some healing emotionally and mentally. I went to bed the other night and actually had the thought…oooo I’m excited about waking up tomorrow…..with nothing exciting planned for the day. 😮 keep going with your videos…. You’re making breakthroughs in lives. Thank you so much. ❤
Wow! I've always wondered why I am so nervous about putting forth effort towards something...the fear has always been "What if I put in all this effort and nothing comes of it, or it fails, or my effort is disparaged?" Thank you for solving that for me!
What did this actually solve?
He didn’t solve it, of course, but breaking down the mechanism is still useful.
When your Mom does this to you, the powerlessness and depression are overwhelming. After decades of not understanding, as I begin to understand, if feel staggering hopelessness.
I know which dog I was.
Psychology was cruel back then, wasn't it?
For sure. My toxic dad was abusive my whole life. Then he died. I moved back in with my wealthy mom and she stabbed me in the back again, so now I’m sleeping in a tent. Very low motivation or energy to do much at all.
I get that. I train canines and deal with LH sometimes, not often thank god; I also had a mother who was amazing but didn't know how or when to release pressure, which makes learning from someone like that really tough.
My childhood was very traumatic. My 1st memory of learned helplessness was with one parent when I was almost four years old. I gave up after one attempt at saying "no". My second memory with the other parent was just a few days after I turned four. I fought this parent daily in a reoccurring situation. I eventually gave up. Just a few weeks after I turned four, learned helplessness seemed to become a way of life for me.
This week I've been reflecting on being helpless (and hopeless) as an adult. Example: I buy meat to cook, but throw it out when it goes bad. I don't try to cook it because I'm afraid I'll mess it up. Either way, I'm wasting money because I want to try, but then I don't try. I need to break this cycle.
I was thinking about learned helplessness just before this video popped up. So, I guess if I try to cook meat but fail, at least I tried, which would mean the money wasn't wasted since it's a first step towards success. 😊
Thank you so much for the information and for your obvious compassion for people like me.
Dont buy meat. Im vegetarian-no meat, fish or eggs.
I've gotten a lot more useful input from your videos than anything else I've found. I wish I could find a therapist as good as you are.
Yea im blown away. He’s very obviously been there
this is a topic that everyone needs to learn more about. I’ll also add that people cannot overcome Learned Helplessness alone, the brain that has learned the “learned helplessness” needs to be “taught” that there is an unelectrified floor. You cannot just “find a way out” from Learned Helplessness, the brain won’t let you. It has to be broken, not overcome
How
@@kth5263 in Seligman's studies, the researchers physically carried the helpless dogs to the safe side of the cage when the shocks started. After doing this a few times, the dogs learned that there was a safe place and went there.
How a person would do this for their particular situation depends on the situation. I think the key part is to get yourself into safer situations and experience them. This is probably best accomplished with some social support -- whether that is outreach organizations, religious groups, supportive friends and family, whatever...it's probably POSSIBLE to do it without this (i.e., just "decide" and use "willpower"), but it would be very, very hard. Trying to do it alone shouldn't be something anyone expects of themselves, imo.
our brain is a very complicated computer, difficult to get rid of all viruses
@kathrynturnbull990 Makes perfect sense. I think one can still do it alone. But obviously going to be easier with some external push or pull!
I agree with your insight and appreciate it @haydenlee8332 ❤️
I like how the message isnt that its completely safe now but there is a very good chance, that whatever caused you pain in a certain area of your life, has now gone...thank you Dr. Scott...
???
@@Here4TheHeckOfIt maybe more than '???' Would help me know what you didnt understand
Not true for many
@@ethersthreshing cool
For me, the divide has a guaranteed shock so much worse than the shock on the electrified side. I could escape, but would have to cross and crossing hurts far more than just staying on the electrified side.
I'm 38 just realizing my full potential. Where there's breath there's opportunity. It can and does absolutely get better if you want it to and you're willing to put the work in. You're already here getting informed so you've already started doing it 😀.
I’m 34 and homeless again thanks to my toxic family. I hope your words play out to be true for me. Truly. Take care
You can do it man!
Being neurodivergent, in this society of ours you're invariably in a fully electrified cage, of this I am 100% sure. The electric shocks in this metaphor are human relationships. Impossible when alexithymia is your second name, essentially. I know isolation is deadly, but people don't feel safe either, and are in fact proven not to be. Let's say one half of the floor is electrified, the other gets red hot to the touch.
I am neurodivergent, and I found my safety in other neurodivergent people. My partner, and my friends, people who don't judge because they understand. It takes effort to find those people, but they are out there.
Yep. I thought I had done that too. Turned out I was wrong. @@PattyGoesZoom
I hope someone didn't just randomly slap that label on you. That definitely requires assessment tests. Otherwise, it will do more harm than good. Some therapists are not good in practice, even if they're credentialed.
Yes, I was stationary in the mental ward and all that, got my Asperger's diagnosis some 20 years ago, long before neurodivergence was a buzzword. You're right though. The ADHD that comes coupled with that more often than not, nobody ever cared to check for, in several mental health institutions I attended over the years. I diagnosed myself with that quite recently. @@Here4TheHeckOfIt
Don’t forget the walls are also electrified
I remember learning about the psychological study of the dog in the electrified cage who just lay down and gave up many years ago and said. "Oh god, that's me."
The more I learn about depression, abuse etc, the more aware I become that the main reason is my toxic abusive family, especially my mom. Unfortunately, there is no non-electrified floor for me. The "toxic acid" they injected in me for decades from day 1 just cannot be removed.
I’m here. I’ve been her for 40+ years. I can’t get help where I live.
So I don’t. I don’t live…
This describes me perfectly, however I AM still trying to find the non-electrified parts of my cage, even in my 50's, and still getting shocked. I have been struggling my entire life with everything about life because I am autistic, and this is why life will always be a struggle for me because autistic people are treated poorly in our society and not given the support we need. I'm practically at the end of my rope after so many decades of not just trying but getting real legit responses that I cannot be helped, every single day there are multiple examples of this where I am trying to escape the pain but I'm thrown back into it by society, by friends, by the government, by my therapists, by other professionals assigned to help me, and now I'm realizing that my learned helplessness was right, that I am stuck and things will never get better.
There's degrees of autism. From your writing, you seem closer to Asperger's. Many people with Asperger's work and they're doing great. There's specific types of work they do especially well in, but I don't know what they are exactly. Unfortunately, the West has been legendary in their poor treatment of neurodivergent people. I'm sorry you were treated poorly and it must hurt terribly. I suggest that you look at yourself honestly, find information on your own, and decide if half the stuff these people have labelled you as is, in fact, even true. I will tell you that autism is readily apparent a young age so keep that in mind. "Professionals" can be labellers instead. A legit therapist will go through a series of assessments with you to rule things out. If you hadn't gone through any of this, get rid of that therapist.They are being unethical. Also, there are many practitioners that outright suck because they're unable to remain objective with their clients. It's human to have instinctual likes and dislikes, but deeply unprofessional to remain ignorant of this fact. A caring professional will tell you outright that they are not a good fit for you. If they are unable to do any of this, they can cause great harm. I hope you find a way past this. 🕊️⚕️
I feel like in my life I'm the electric floor more so than my environment. My struggles with anxiety, and ADHD make engaging with close to most things in a day painful and exhausting. The most frustrating part for me is that every time I try to improve my life and fail, the learned helplessness and depression get a little worse. These days I find it hard to get myself to do anything because I never seem to improve, grow or learn. I'm just trying to keep trying at anything healthy and productive; I just feel so exhausted.
66 ‘likes’, including mine, b4 the video is even posted. You’ve gained our trust sir
This is so accurate. Im currently in survival mode on the couch for over a year now. I cant afford trauma therpay so these videos are helping somewhat in recognising things about me. Im 44 and spemd my time wondering wtf was i put on this planet to do.
Thank you for your videos 🙏💝
Survival mode is when you are homeless, with no choice but to sleep in a tent, if you even have one. Sorry, not trying to pick on you, just giving some context. I wish you well Max
@@_Arugula_Salad_ Survival mode is when you are trying to stay alive. No tent required. You were homeless then and think the world is about you??🙄 pillock
@@_Arugula_Salad_ This is from verywellhealth: "Survival brain is what happens when you feel mentally and/or emotionally overwhelmed and you're unable to process new ideas. Additionally, you may find basic everyday tasks that otherwise would feel easy for you to be more complicated or difficult."
You don't have to be experiencing homelessness to go into survival mode. It can be caused by anything that feels overwhelming.
Your geographic location is your destiny, bro. Every time you unlearn it, they find you and teach you again. And again. And again.
I wanted to watch your video about a depressive episode, but then I came across this one... And I realized something sad.
Last year, I had a horrible toxic relationship with my roommate who was once a very good friend. As she became angrier and louder from time to time, I found myself becoming more silent and emotionally detached (on the surface level). Our everyday life became unbearable, but I continued living like this because I never even considered leaving that situation. When I finally moved out (after finishing my education and relocating to another town), I couldn't find a valid reason why I didn't change anything in our relationship or my living arrangements.
Only now do I understand. My childhood home was just like that. I couldn't do anything about my father's outbursts of anger; I didn't have the right to complain or cry. So, I learned to suppress my emotions, become silent, and keep everything to myself.
I can relate to this strongly, except it was my toxic work environment. I just stayed hoping things would change, they never did of course and I put up with it, despite others asking why I didn’t leave. Same thing happened with a prior living situation. The way out is not alway easy to find.
Most people can't leave simply due to hard financial reasons. In fact, this is the main reason why people stay. Don't overlook this fact.
Felt a sense of calm and relief when you said maybe that part of life is OVER now.
Thanks for your videos, they do help a lot
The state relies on learned helplessness to better control it's populace.
I have always said this: Fear mongering is the root of ALL evil.
And I will continue to say it. It also applies to everyday life experiences, anxiety, depression, society conformity. Fear and doubt/confusion causes paralysis.
Boy howdy, you can say that again!
Learned helplessness is a result of torture so there's some truth to this depending on where you live
Showered over a month ago, stay in bed all day, given up living now. Childrenhood emotional neglect. Kids with disorders and a grandson I had to rescue 4 times from abuse and neglect. He 9yrs and is now in the most loving family in foster care a few minutes away from me. The pressure has gone but the wounds are bad.
I would love for you to make a video on how to find a therapist that suits you according to your needs. After watching hundreds of videos all over UA-cam and years of therapy you are the only therapist I’ve been able to relate too because you’ve been there and are honest about it. I’ve always been a strong believer that I should be able to interview my therapist before I decide to move forward but I’ve never been sure how to do that without being insulting or disrespectful. A few times I’ve tried to ask questions and been told that I was there for me not them and I felt very dismissed. How can you accomplish anything if you’re therapist can’t relate and is just treating you by what a medical book says. I’ve also been told that it’s unethical or unprofessional. I’ve wasted so much time with a therapist to only realize it wasn’t the right fit and that just makes me more discouraged. Suggestions?
This is definitely coming soon! The only reason I haven’t made this video yet is that I’m hoping to do it as a collaboration with an agency who can tally provide services instead of me just generally describing them ❤️
I feel exactly this! 60 years old and struggling every day just to make it. 😢
@@julieseward1385 Please know that you are not alone on this journey. 60 years - that means you´ve made it through about 21.900 days despite your struggles. You´re a warrior, and I´m very proud of you. Keep going! ♥
Research types of therapy and styles and the different professionals and what each can do. When you get an idea of which type makes more sense for you to see (ex psychiatrist for meds, psychologist for diagnoses, an emdr therapist for trauma, etc). Then ask insurance to give you a list of therapists meeting that criteria. Call the people on the list and ask for a brief interview. The ones that won’t do that, skip them. The ones that do, choose from there. I found emdr and ifs therapy best for my trauma because they are active forms of therapy with prompts and exercises so I walk away with relief and I’m always learning and feel better asap. Then I see a neuropsychologist for longer term deep discussion type therapy of working through larger concepts and every day issues that come up. Also I did a DBT therapy group which was also great because I’d walk away with skills and practice them and watch others do the same and then have someone check in making sure I’m doing the homework and understanding it. Good luck to you!
Thank you so much. This reminds me of bobcat release videos, once they are free they stay put for a while not realising they are free. For me I learned I was going to get emotionally abused as a child and there was nothing I could do to change that, so I stopped crying and became deadened and numb to protect myself from suffering and the only blips of enjoyment/intensity came from my addictions. I needed to hear this today, I feel the grief and pain of my lost life and lost boys inside me. Today I’m trying to reparent myself with tender care, allowing the reality of grief to flow.
I definitely have this, but I don't know how to fix it. Even though I'm in a different place now, I still have trouble trying different things to improve my life because my brain is convinced it won't matter.
This was the perfect video for me. I’ve been in depression and anxiety since I was three years old I’m 62 now. I’m tired of this feeling so I have been trying hard to feel a little better. Love your videos. California Joanna
Please try gratitude. I've read one Jewish book about gratitude: people wrote about how they didn't have something, wanted it so much, and they started practicing gratitude for about half an hour/hour each day. And they got what they wanted! Heavens are very generous. Remember this please: 'Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.'
Congratulations on your journey of strength. My story is similar. Be well, my Friend.
@@lancelotdufrane thank you. It’s been a long hard life but am just now starting to relax into it.
I was diagnosed with learned helplessness by a psychiatrist in 2016. I am 64 now. Growing up as the youngest of 12 children, I was the target of plenty of mental, sexual, and emotional abuse. I could not risk the abuse getting worse, so I stayed quiet and did not complain or tell anyone. Silence is the worst thing to do. The majority of the abuse took place when no one else was around. I was a smart, bright, and sociable child who became very depressed as a young teen. I was kicked out of the home at 16 on the pretense that I was pregnant, I wasn't. I engaged in high-risk behavior, but eventually went to university, and was able to work and raise a family. All of it came crashing down though, when I started to experience chronic stress attacks. I tried yoga, meditation, and drugs but eventually lost everything. I have tried CBT, DBT as well and they have helped somewhat. There is a nasty voice that lives in my head and it tells me all of the reasons I will never get it right. I try to argue with that nasty voice and tell it to shut up and get lost. I find it helps to be engaged in mental distractions, but before long the nasty voice is back and sabotaging my happiness.
My goodness! My heart breaks for you. I can't imagine what this has done to your sense of trust.
I grew up with a mother that HATED me, was physically abusive and emotionally neglectful/intentionally mean and critical constantly, even into adulthood. My parents divorced when I was 6 yrs old, and, of course, she got custody. But then just a very short time later, she had my father's parental rights stripped from him and we were adopted by our stepfather, who then also abandoned us due to being military, stationed overseas, and fairly quickly divorce. But, you guessed it....I got stuck living with my mother, and although I prayed for someone to come and rescue me, no one ever did.
I'm 53 years old now, but despite my best efforts, I can't seem to get my life together. And worse, I've alienated my own children from me.
I very much feel and have felt "why bother" when the results always equal alone and failure.
Thank you! This makes so much sense. Encouraging! I can tell already that you are right! “Test the floor of your cage. See if it’s still what it used to be. You may find… that there’s a part of it… that’s safe now.”
So true! It’s as if you just opened a window in an old, dark, dusty, suffocating room, and lots of fresh air is pouring in. I *do* have safe people and places! I don’t have to be so guarded all the time. Wow! This is life changing! Seriously!
Something is changing in me for the better. I have known in my head I don’t live in traumatic circumstances anymore, but now I really get it!! Thank you. May God Almighty bless you for sharing so freely what you know.
i learned it back in middle school when like i said i was bullied no one was doing anything about it i was skipping lunch and crying at one of the lunch desks alone no one cared so i just gave up
I am 18 years old and this video today helped me realise a lot of things specially a lot of things about me, now that I have escaped the cage and completely changed everything by that I mean I got into my dream college and moved to a whole new country for it. I have so much more time to focus on myself. It’s no more fighting for survival or helplessness for me. I feel lost. I finally have it all but I feel lost emotionally. And this video made me cry. It made me realise so much honestly I felt supported. I felt that there is a Road for me and my journey.
Hey you - yes you. I see you and while I don't know you personally, I imagine that we would connect in solidarity for the pain that we can both relate to. I want you to know that you are good enough, that you are more than good enough. You are actively seeking to heal, to become a healthier person.
Maybe you are doing it just for your benefit - and that's the right reason, so I am proud of you for doing that!
Maybe you are doing it for the benefit of others around you, people that you care about, that you love - and even if you can't find the self compassion and love to do that for yourself yet, it speaks volumes about what a truly awesome human you are, because there is no greater expression of love than to put the needs of those that you love ahead of your own. I do wish for you to one day (soon) to be able to genuinely find that self compassion and love to realise that you are also deserving of a life free from trauma and helplessness.
This isn't positivity, I certainly hope not the toxic kind anyway. It is an acknowledgement of your (and my) efforts, a validation of the pain that brought you here and how much that hurt, how unfair that feels sometimes, and how never-ending that can also feel. You don't have to wholeheartedly agree with me, to high-five yourself or anything, but even if you could let my comments sit in your consciousness for a little bit without pushing it away, then that's tremendous progress.
I wish you freedom from pain and freedom of choice, I wish you joy, I wish you a feeling of belonging - and you do belong. And most of all, I wish for you the ability to see yourself for who you truly are - someone who deserves compassion and love, someone who has survived in spite of the pain and fear, someone who has developed a gift of awareness - of being able to recognise the pain in others and of being able to (when you can) extend compassion towards others that you didn't receive when you needed it. Together we can build a better future for ourselves and for each other.
I'm glad you're here.
Finding MBTI and figuring out my type Was quite possibly one of the best things that has happened to me in the last 20 years and is helped with my severe Depression immensely.
Sincerely INTJ
Thank you for the warning regarding a hard to hear story about dogs. I am an empath, and more than anything else in the world, I am super sensitive to sad stories about animals. I (59) have been like this my whole life. Stories about animal abuse or just sad stories about animals that I heard/witnessed from 40 years ago still haunt me to this day.
I’m an empath and vegan for that reason. I had to skip over the dog part. I can’t handle animals suffering.
@@UpFromUnder6 ❤
it’s over but now any experience that has similar stimuli automatically triggers that fear of it happening again and then i feel level 10 grief and disappointment in that moment. the hardest emotion is feeling disappointment. it triggers the same depth of emotion that i felt in other traumas just cause it’s a similar emotion. and then I Tap out and then it triggers a death drive for me.
I am 69 years old and this is the first time that someone made since to me. I have been in a couple of mental institutions, on many meds, had many psych doctors and your one video has given me more insight than over 50 years of all the rest. Amazing
We’re on the Same page, bro. Or bra. Or whatever. I’m on my third listen. Looking for the accomplishments versus something. I need an accomplishment today. Completed. Finished. We can do this.
I cried during 2/3 of this video, I'm still crying.
I know I'm not in the same place anymore but I cannot find a way out no matter how hard I try. It's 1 step forward 2 steps backwards, always...
For me, the covid measures and restrictions were the cause. I felt stuck - I hated to stay home in our small village, unable to meet any of my friends and having to study online which was an absolute nightmare for me. Suddenly, all I loved about studying at university was gone (like being with fellow students, enjoying the classes, having the support of the mentors...) and I was left only with the hard work and messages/video calls to replace real friendships. And there was nothing I could do about it - I had to just wait as everybody else did. I eventually ended up badly depressed and was feeling stuck and alone even long after the restrictions ended (learned helplessness). Only recently I am getting better and I realize now that I actually do not have to keep going so alone and hurting anymore - I can talk about my experience with other people, I can socialize and see new people, I can find new hobbies if the old ones don't work for me anymore... I wasn't able to do these things when depressed because I felt so drained and desparate. But just a few weeks ago I realized it might not be the truth for me anymore. Like... I still don't feel good, but maybe I can try to do something about it. Maybe now I have the strength to do so. And so I finally go to therapy and I've started to watch videos including the Dr. Scott's ones (by the way, they are by far the most helpful ones I've found - thank you so much for making them). And it helps. Very, very, very slowly... but it does and that gives me hope I can pull myself out of this :-)
I had a fiancé and a great job. I never missed work, and I never missed buying a meal for her and I. I moved away from my family to support her goals, I bought her the ring she wanted, I was saving up for a house, I dedicated my life savings and my old 401k to our goal of a house and a family. She decided to leave me out of the blue, I missed 1 day at work because my situation was all the sudden in chaos. 2 weeks later I got laid off from my job for no reason. All my efforts over 12 years in my career and personal life backfired and left me worse off then before I started. I’m in the ultimate stop trying position.
This is a sudden change in your environment. Perhaps you are simply in shock. It's very normal to feel lost after this. You'll get your bearings eventually. The learned helplessness study is really about trauma.
I read about the study with dogs before, and learned helplessness is a real thing. I'd love to hear more, of what people can do to get, and STAY, out of that mindset. It seems like the Law of Attraction that just as one who experiences success, love and respect from people tend to attract more of the same, so do people who have been through abuse, rotten "luck" and depression, also seem to attract the same (and eventually stop trying). I'm *really* tired of it!!!!!
You just described my youth. Constantly insulted, yelled, criticized, shamed, judged, despite good results. No wonder i get hopeless way too quickly.
When it all just ends the same
When trusting only leads to hurt
When learning how to open your heart your unfortunate to open it too someone who would just break it
I learn one thing though
If this world fails too make you bitter you become kinder and wiser
This is very similar to my opening few lines of this video 😁
@@DrScottEilers wait it is? I'm sorry I didn't watch it yet I fell asleep
Wow this video was very eye opening for me. Yes I experienced abuse as a child and learned helplessness is something I’ve experienced. Tbh it’s something I still struggle with 😔
This video and others you’ve posted in the topic of anhedonia have gone a long way to explaining how/why/what brought me to this stage of life. Alone, hurt, and avoidant at 58 isn’t a good look for a formerly vibrant, ambitious, world-traveling, solo go getter. I’ve been in this valley before and self-distracted my way out so many times I thought it was my default to just tighten my proverbial chinstrap and lean in, keep moving, keep making plans, keep buying the stuff, keep doing it on my own because no one is coming to my rescue. Anyway, here I am again and none of the stand by strategies are worth the effort, none of the self-care is comforting, none of the trips/plans have any color. I am becalmed, isolated/isolating, and growing too accustomed to the dim lit, half-life, slow shuffle my “world” has become.
@cherryllcooper679 why do you think that the effort you tried to get moving last time is not worth it now? your tone or narrative talk about yourself seems abit self depreciating temporarily. perception can change anytime, thoughts aren't permanent.
do you or anyone have any past ideas of any youtube channels or videos that may give more examples on how to reignite, kick-start and maybe prolong or sustain the 'get moving' phase?
or ways to encourage self?
(perhaps the non mainstream theory base way?) tyvm!
😢❤
I was told growing up often by my step mom who raised me that I was invisible, that no-one would remember me and I was unimportant. She was an incest survivor and probably felt that way herself. As a kid, I had made her trauma my truth. It still haunts me as a grown adult, that uncertainty do
" I belong." I have good & rough days. Today was really hard it was also the anniversary of losing my dog, my most unconditional friend. I cant process all the sadness at once but I am learning to look at truth of the matter. This video was a godsend ... whew..deep breath..
Sorry about your dog. It's hard to lose a good friend. And dogs are very good friends.
@@Here4TheHeckOfIt 🤗
It was education for me. From 5-14 I had a vision disorder that severely hampered my ability to learn in an school system that wasn't equipped to help me. I was failing in school no matter what I did. My parents desperately tried to reassure me I was intelligent & not to base my value on my grades. But that's hard when you're 8 and struggling to do something everyone else finds easy. Eventually the disorder was diagnosed & treated but it took me 20 years to recover from that experience . Even now, I still slip back into it when I'm having a bad day, but it helps that my husband is my cheerleader and reminds of the times I've succeeded so Ishouldn't assume failure right from the start. It's not just that he encourages me, but that I believe what he says, that helps me out of those dark moments. (Which would be my advice to anyone who suffers from learned helplessness. Believe the cheerleaders in your life!)
I'm nearly 30. I only have a second grade math skills level. In first and second grades, I saw all of my classmates and friends accel at math, but I just couldn't grasp it. No matter how hard I tried, I would get failing grades, and then my parents would shame and punish me for it. I thought everyone else gets it so easily, but I'm just not smart enough. That's when I learned that I shouldn't even bother trying, and I went on to fail every math class until I dropped out of high school.
Now, I take medication for anxiety & depression. I have no friends, and I've never had a girlfriend because I don't see the point in even trying.
❤
It’s like with horses…hen they’re young they get tied up to unmovable posts or ground stakes. For years. Then when they are huge and older, you could tie them up to a super lightweight folding chair and they will believe they are stuck to something immovable
Learned helplessness is some major fuckery and I trust we all will break thru and past it
Wow this is dead-on for me. When I heard the words “learned helplessness” this video grabbed me tight. I’ve had a pretty good life yet this is me. If I feel this way I’m very sorry for people who’ve had it way worse. I’ve had lots of traumas, some my fault, some not. I feel like stress finally broke me at about 38 years old. After a few years of SSRIs, therapy, and changing employers, I should be fine but now I have three kids under 5 and it keeps me right there at the cliff. Everything overall is good yet I can barely get through each day.
I find myself in the place you describe as learned helplessness. I recognise that in the case and that it is seated in those situations you described, family sports and work… I also recognise that the common factor there is ‘me’… and therefore it is a problem within me.
I have reached a point where trying so hard in each and every scenario in life and feeling a lack of sufficient recognition from them has left me exhausted. I may well be in a safe place but I would rather give up on trying to evade that because the risk of ‘shock’ is greater than my will to avoid it.
I get the problem. I see the potential of freedom from the problem or maybe even acceptance if not redemption. I just don’t have any fight in me right now.
Day by day the seconds pass and it’s exhausting.
I've been feeling like this for a few years now. Finally making the first steps to crawl out of it. This is the first thing I've seen that addresses it. Thank you.
After 20 years with my abuser, I did carry that learned helplessness almost all the way through my second marriage, and even now, I sometimes find myself reverting to that. But I also learned along the way, that things can go right, things can work out.
I sure wish there was a better way for these studies to be conducted, though.😢 Thanks, Dr. Scott.
I have watched hundreds of videos by psych doctors, and I can say, you seem to be the only one who speaks from experience and genuinely understands the condition
This makes sense, unfortunately I'm still half caged but we'll see as time goes on.
It’s a great analogy and good way to visualize ourselves. Thanks!
I can cognitivly comprehend that my "cage" may have changed, while I have not. At the same time recognize that I am still in a cage, even if it may have changed. There is two levels of helplessness. Helplessness against the temporal physical pain may have a solution, but I am still caged. Hope for freedom is what was sacrificed, both freedom from a temporal pain and freedom from the cage. What good comes from choosing to flee from the temporal pain and living in the corner? It only makes the cage that much smaller. To hope hurts, when there is no hope to hope in.
This was most unsettling as I learnt the name and causes of my lethargy. I related to this. I am no longer living the " pain I can't get away from". I'll test the full floor. Thank you.
Makes perfect sense to me. I have been in and out of the “cage.” I now am finding myself back in the cage due to circumstances beyond my control. I truly understand the concept. I love the way you relate analogies and bringing studies into the conversation.
You are so relatable because you have been through so much.
Love your helpful videos! ❤
"We never know till we try"
Please think of that phrase in the tiniest of situations where you find yourself helpless, and even if its outcome is bad, congratulate yourself for not having left that option unexplored, you're doing what you have to after all
Oh, I was just thinking about this yesterday. Even seemingly minor things, like the thermostat. I sit there literally shivering because it doesn't even occur to me that I can change the thermostat without my siblings complaining. It's so bad, why I don't even grab a jacket is anyone's guess... I guess ok/powering through is good enough in my brain???🤦🏻♀️
I think this video today will explain a lot ❤
@@DrScottEilers My husband first suggested I had learned helplessness about 5 years ago and I read about the study then. I feel like it's so deep that I have a hard time identifying it. I wasn't abused as such. My parents, especially my mom, was a little controlling, but they're still really good people. Many people have even told me they wish my parents were their parents.
After a childhood where I was trained to trust others instead of my "incapable" self I married a covert narc who spent 23 years brainwashing me to see myself as worthless and their every word as law...I became extremely isolated and agoraphobic...Even after I unraveled their deceit, deciding I could go out again and reconnect again and taking steps to make it happen was HARD...Now I'm connecting with my old and new friends and my community, taking advantage of a nearby park and the church up the street, finding local resources, etc....I just keep thinking how many years I was "trapped" and "alone" and "incapable"....all these things were always here, yet I stayed stuck even after the ex and their abuse was gone, and now this whole new world of possibilities suddenly FEELS possible...glad I found your channel.
Hi Scott I always had mild anxiety. But I used it to my advantage. I would hide in my work to get past it. Starting about two years ago, I had a horrible panic attack ( first one ever). I then got depressed and incapacitated. I now have trouble doing daily tasks . I still work, but when I have to do basic paperwork, I procrastinate and then have fear of doing it. Now it is at the point I may get in trouble at work.
I believe this came when my 2nd wife’s malignant narcissistic behavior came out. She started hitting me, calling me names and spent all my money. She then held me prisoner to the point that I had to escape in the middle of the night. Now if of course she is apologizing and trying to reconcile. I believe a lot of it is she needs money.
I know that one way to cure my anxiety is if I could come up with the $200k of my life savings that she took from me.
I am miserable. I was so happy before I married her.
I am totally helpless !!
This video appeared to me at the moment I needed to hear this. The past few days I have been thinking 'why am I trying to live. what is the point of it.'
Seeing your video right now, introduced me to the terminology learned helplessness and I definitely match the causes of it. 'There is nothing you can do or anything you could do right. Why are you even living' This played in my mind. But I will change it now. To move from helplessness to in control 🙂
I really appreciate you! Thank you so much for this free material 🙇🏻♀️
Dr Eilers,
When it comes to people with learned helplessness - it's not so much that they cannot see the same area on the other side. Our brains are somewhere aware that this state is not the same as the past. That we can assert our will and change things.
What goes amiss is that spurt, those mental resources which will make us spring into action.
My goodness, your first 5 mins of talking was spot on for me, it had me in tears, sometimes you think you are the only person who thinks like that 🤦♀️.
Thank you, you are a gem 🙏❤
I am here in 2024. I am 49. I have done a lot of work around CPTSD, read tons of books for the past 25 years, watched thousands of of hours of UA-cam videos ( mainly professors / peer reviewed papers ) and I just came to the conclusion that this is where I have been stuck for the past few years.
Trauma : 20 years of dealing with a psychopath and no matter what I did to break up with him and get him out of my house physically, he wouldn’t leave my home. I felt helpless, hopeless , and completely loss of power . I gave up trying. I lived through the emotional abuse, psychological abuse, and ambiance abuse for more than 10 years. No sexual interaction , no relationship whatsoever , yet I had to tolerate seeing him watching TV in my living room day in and day out. I started feeling more and more depressed. Even though he finally chose to leave in 2020( when he wanted to ) I still feel frozen. I am unemployed and on survival mode. How do I get unstuck?
I know logically that I must find a group to connect . Return to dance classes , return to yoga , etc. and I do schedule it , but I can’t find the energy to go through with it .
Every time I test the floor, I get shocked again. I've changed floors so many times and yet the shocks still happen. I'm not sure why it is like this for some people. Maybe it's a look, an appearance, or a behavior that triggers an instinct in some mindsets. It feels like an organized effort, but I think that is giving humanity too much credit. Perhaps it's related to honesty. The dishonest typically don't get treated his way, or so it seems to me. It's very annoying. Thanks for the video. I feel like I'm the dog that got left in the bad cage. Looked at but not seen when they moved all the others.
When you try to test the cage and then get shocked there is also added emotional pain of broken hope.
I remember learning about this in college only it didn't resonate w/ me until now thanks to your brilliant analogy and insight. ❤
I was in the electric cage from the time I was 6 until I was 19; I was physically/mentally abused by my mother and bullied at school. Therapy, SSRIs and understanding this situation was temporary helped me endure the abuse and neglect.
I moved out at 19 and created a beautiful life for myself achieving my academic and career goals and managing my MDD so it was on the back burner for 20 years; it was a beautiful, fun, exciting and fulfilling life.
In 2020 everything changed. I was rendered housebound by debilitating chronic illness I inherited so I had to move back into my mother's house out of necessity. Her pattern of abuse didn't change but I did. And, I wasn't going to allow her to continue to abuse me so I took my mother to civil court filing for an order of protection.
No, the piece of paper didn't stop her from being abusive but going through this and being validated by a judge gave me what I needed to speak out against the abuse, take back my voice and my autonomy over my body/mind. By no means is this living arrangement easy, pleasant or healthy. And neither is homelessness. There will be a day when I leave this house (again) and I'll need therapy to heal. Until then I may be back in this cage but I've cut the electricity. ;) ❤
I absolutely love this ❤️
Great video doc! The thing is so many of us who have become aware of the safe cage still have one foot one the floor of the 1st cage. Still getting electrocuted once in a while and still thinking we don't deserve or have the capacity of a life in the safe cage. (or even better, outside of the cage so to speak!)
As soon as you said “it involves dogs” … NOPE!!! Stopped the video right there. Almost had me in tears with those words. So THANK YOU for giving us a trigger warning. This is a HUGE one for me. I am SO emotionally attached to/empathetic towards/engulfed and overwhelmed whenever there is a HINT of sth wrong with an animal, especially a dog. My friends mock me. It saddens me. OK now I’m crying. I don’t own a dog bc I don’t think I can cope w the emotions I feel. I’m not making sense now …
I get that ❤️
Yep! Stopped the video. Was feeling better, and now back to square one!!!!
Me too.
I found your channel recently and love your content but wish I had stopped listening when you said it involved animals. Fair enough you gave the warning. But then you went on to say you're glad they did the study!! There is no justification for using animals in any shit like that and I'm very disappointed and angered by that view.
I wish I had done the same and not listened. This was so traumatising 😢
My parents had a bad relationship, they did not get along and it really affected me. I felt like we had this facade to maintain, outside we pretended to be a nice family but inside we hated each other. My mother was highly critical and perpetually disatisfied, with what I said, with what I did, there was always a correction or something I could have done better. I constantly argued with her to no avail because she is to this day completely unable to recognize her critical attitude, she blameshifts, deflects and rewrites history, I really hated her personality but at the same time I kept waiting for her to become a good, supportive mother one day. As I got older we became codependent, after a particularly difficult and stressful time in my life I finally cracked and just haven't been able to put the pieces back together.
Watching your videos is giving me some hope that I can make it one day. Thank you for the work you do, most of your videos really speak to how I feel, you address things that my psychotherapist never talks about.
Sometimes I feel like I should't feel this way because I was never physically abused or openly mistreated. I feel like in my case it happened in a slow, lethal drip, similar to the cage you describe.
I understand the importance of experimentation. But I don't understand how human beings could have abused dogs in this horrible manner. I'm 72 and having a crying jag. 😢
I feel sorry for dogs. I love dogs.
Yes you nailed it thank you for taking the time to help
Thank you for putting the "dog story" in its own section that I could jump over. (I've read about this before so I know what you're going to describe.) You're right. It's sad and I just didn't want to hear about it again. The rest of the video was wonderful and insightful though. Thank you for all that you do.
After hearing your presentation I now see that my learned helplessness (due to a very abusive (emotional and physical )childhood at the hands of my parents) is the root cause of my alcohol use disorder.
Good question. Some philosophers think that you're not doing anything no matter what you do because it might be a virtual universe. What we really have is a mass culture where there's too many people to recognize one another so nobody gets acknowledged correctly
That’s a good point
@@DrScottEilers Thank you so much for addressing the subject matter of this video directly. Def resonating 4 me
It's awfully hard to try to establish oneself as a writer and not succumb to total helplessness. Now, THERE'S one field where it doesn't matter shit what you do.
I just have to figure out how to block the world out and not rely on it for any positive feelings surrounding writing, or I won't be able to write anything at all.
I've no idea what safe looks like... and I'm an elder, a lifetime being crushed by narcissists... only in the passed 4 months, I've discovered my family's abuse toward me... I went into a rage for 2 months... I am getting some help, need much more. I want my life back... to be happy again, experience joy.
I think it's called anhedonia.
Scott, I have an IMPOSSIBLE case of CPTSD and DID with periods of psychosis that has been difficult to treat. I’m 32 and I’ve been in therapy since I had my first psychotic break at 15. I’ve tried half a dozen therapists, several psychiatrists, countless medications, many spiritual practices, studied psychology/science/philosophy to better understand my issues, and even went to the top of a mountain and water fasted. While I have achieved some success in life, I am still held back on a daily basis. I seldom feel joy, happiness, or peace and carry around a deep pain that has existed 24/7 since I was about 4 years old. I continue to fight but I’m experiencing a great amount of despair and had to quit my job and stop working on my business just to keep myself from committing suicide. I want to experience peace. The only time I felt it was water fasting but that’s not a sustainable practice. You may be one of the only people in the country who could help me. Do you think we might be able to chat? Thank you 🙏
You are in my prayers. The struggles are real. Hang in there & don't give up. We are all here for a reason. God has a plan. Sometimes, the plan is none of my business. Suit up & show up. Sending you much love ❤️.
I know for a fact that you are an amazing person and stronger than I could ever hope to be! Please, please don't give up or let your abusers define your future or your identity for you. You're willingness to work on healing yourself is phenomenal! Try to be around nice people who treat you well. You are so loved by God and worthy of a wonderful life going forward. Please don't give up! We need you here!❤❤❤
Thanks you two! To be honest I've never understood people who didn't want to work on healing. I need to be healed as much as I need oxygen. It is a singular pursuit that has controlled my life to some extent. I'm no contact with my mother and her side of the family, and have very limited contact with my father and his side. I cut my abusers out of my life 4 years ago and they have been my most sucessful years to date! Still I am suffering. I feel lost and unsure of what to do with myself. I just keep dragging myself along every day because I can really only be certain of this life. Philosophically I can see beyond the ego and my present self but it does nothing to relieve my suffering. There is a substantial difference between knowing and being. I have a lot of knowing but very little being. I'm reminded of a saying my therapist, a practicing shaman, said to me nearly every meeting: "let no one be deceived that a knowledge of the path is substitute for putting one foot in front of the other." It makes be think about the Zen Koen about the student who meets an enlightened man carrying a heavy sack as he walks down the road. The aspiring monk says to the man "I see you are enlightened, would you please bless me and tell me what it means to be enlightened?" The old man smiles and drops his heavy sack onto the ground. The student says "I understand Master! Thank you! But, what comes after enlightenment?" The old man smiles again, leans over, and hoists the heavy sack back over his shoulder, continuing to walk down the road.
@SameDayTwice this therapist can't help you, none can help you. Only you can help you, and even you aren't willing to help you. If you aren't willing to risk feeling, cause it's too terrifying, you won't heal. You have learned a lot, but none of it will help you, if you are using it as a replacement for actually experiencing your pain. And that's ok too. You can choose to have a limited but ok life.
@@hello_sunshine19obviously you don't have did. A bit harsh.
You’re so right Dr. Scott this is really something I’m guilty of stopped trying bcs I don’t see the point now. ❤
The behavior of the dogs that gave up is very understandable. I also see social applications for this theory, as well, such as race, gender, class/status, etc.
Absolutely. This experiment can inform people of abuse of power.
I grew up in an alcoholic home with verbal abuse and domestic violence. As an adult, therapy at different times helped tremendously. The past 13 years, I went through an ugly divorce, experienced life threatening illness and job loss. Counseling helped, but I felt drained. My last job as a nurse was in a abusive environment via employees and management. In January 2022, I was assaulted at work and have had life altering injuries. My boss harassed me and physically threatened me until I felt like I'd regressed to childhood. I have depression, anxiety and PTSD. I'm improving but this hit home. I need to get back to Counseling. Thanks.
People are so cruel. It's because they also have no control over their lives. The hospital probably shits on your boss as well. Those environments are often top-down hierarchies and the abuse filters down that way. Just look at Fox News and the whole Ahlers scandal. That is the best example of top-down hierarchy type of abuse of power. America loves this shit, though so we just have generation after generation of terrible management. And it shows.
I just would say here that, as you told this story of learned helplessness, I was balling as the realization of this term I had never heard before - rattled me deeply. I thank you for your calm, clear delivery and you have calmed me, in this moment to believe there's more to my life but that I have to not give up.
PS - Dogs have been my family for over 45 years and I can't imagine thinking up these types of torture so that we can learn about ourselves. I hope those that see this video are grateful to them and to you, for having to explain a very difficult experiment that has helped me and I hope others, now re-learn that there is a safe place but we have to go get it.
Ugh! People are unbelievably foolish. I hate the idea of using dogs this way as well. There are many instances of human-human torture they could've gleaned this info from. Psychology as a field can be bonkers sometimes.
This does make sense 100%. I could relate to every bit of it. Where was this gem of a video all this while. My Goodness! Everything's making so much sense now. This is GOLD.
Sad for the dogs in the study but this was brilliant, thank you.
Two examples of learned helplessness that resonate with me:
- being a woman raised to clean, cook and f**k, incapable of winning over men in life
- being unable to change anything in my completely corrupt country. At war
I hope something can change, if I believe it.
Do I ever hate sex.