6 Things Fearful Avoidants Think When Pulling Away | Fearful Avoidant Attachment
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In this video, we go over 6 things that fearful avoidants think will make them deactivate. These thoughts are common when there are unhealed core wounds and limiting beliefs that cause them to pull away.
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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel and thank you for stopping by!
This is a channel designed for you, to be used as a resource to create lasting transformation in your personal and professional life. Here you’ll receive an ongoing series of personal development and spiritual growth videos for you to expand your awareness and find resolution and deep understanding within.
Want to transform your life? If I did it, I know you can too!
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#FearfulAvoidant #Deactivating #PersonalDevelopmentSchool #ThaisGibson #PDS #AttachmentStyles
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I think it’s important to remember the costs of withdrawing. FAs are so used to using the coping mechanism because it works on some level to reduce pain. But it doesn’t help build relationships long-term. It’s a really hard cycle to break, but thank God we have this self-awareness, self-love revolution. The next generation is going to be so amazing.
Why don’t we just wait on the greatness of the next generation. Fantasized expectations are just the opposite of fearful avoidants. In the middle folks in the middle reality is what is tangible to work with good or bad or okay.
Let me have a conversation, ha that’s not going to happen. Might have them tell you their feelings while they expect you not to have any.
Thank you!
0:35 Intro
0:50 Feeling unseen or unappreciated.
2:55 #1 - Flight response. I shouldn’t be here. I don’t want to be with you.
4:00 #2 - I chose wrong. FA create distant by
4:25 #3 - This person doesn’t care about me. FA feels the other isn’t doing anything to show they care.
4:55 # 4 - Spitefulness. They walk away bc they feel they’re taken for granted. FA don’t know how to express their needs, understood, cared for, etc.
7:15 #5 - I can’t trust them bc they don’t show up, expect so much from me or appreciate me. They don’t respect me. Another flight/freeze strategy by the FA. Core wound of distrust.
8:24 #6 - I shouldn’t be in a relationship.
How can I tell my fa I care so much about him? He knows it but sometimes he talks so distant. As if I were a good friend...no emotions, happy tho
How to respond all these points to the FA . I'm SA and willing to stay in relationship
I am described here and I don’t like it.
I think I do #5 (I am also a people pleaser) and occasionally #5. My DA/FA does the rest. We are a disaster.
Thank you
I honestly thought I had a form of bipolar disorder but I realize now that my extreme and polarizing ways of thinking is due to my FA attachment style. I’m literally dumbfounded
Omg so did I!! I actually said this to my DA partner before I found these videos on attachment styles. I couldn't understand why I only acted this way in relationships and not in any other area of my life so that's when I dug deeper to find I'm not bipolar, I'm an FA. I wish more people knew about this.
and I thought I had Borderline 😂💀 meanwhile I know I have fearful-avoidant attachment and CPTSD 🥴
There are people who think bipolar is just a manifestation of these attachment dynamics. I don't know what else it could be, myself.
Me too!!!
@@khanom3033 You and me both 😁
I never experience these issues with my dog....
Same with my cat. 👍🏻
Same
Can't have sex with your dog either... 🤔
@@allybeth4 / who cares ? When you're my age, it's irrelevant. Shalom
LMAOOOOOO
This video is so timely. 🤔 I'm literally deactiving as an FA atm.
I am seeing myself in all these 6 points. I'm struggling so hard. Being an FA is intense 😭 and even worse when you feel unheard or unseen
Lol yep I'm also deactivating and frustrated and relate to every point...but i've got to the end of the video going...ok this doesn't help so WHAT can I do?
Me too! It's really intense and I have a really good and caring partner.
What are we going to do?🥺
Could you, by analising yourself, hold on to right thoughts? Talk to yourself to the little one you were at one time? It would change your wrong feelings a lot!
@@helgacobian1915 I would hate to assuming she is having wrong feelings? There are no wrong feelings. There are feelings that will trigger old wounding. Like not being seen and heard. But there is also the feeling of facing the truth of the situation. Realizing you aren’t being seen and heard.
Her feelings are very important and I love hearing her express them.
I know from my story, I realize my trigger points. I have shared them through secure communication styles. They still aren’t being seen and heard. I don’t see effort on his end. My emotions aren’t wrong. I see his wounding, I hold compassion for it, I ask what I can do to support him.
Here’s a great video on secure communication.
ua-cam.com/video/GhDb7K9BXK8/v-deo.html
RE: DA vs. FA deactivation: In my experience, DAs deactivate any time there's a conflict where they're not getting their way or over an issue brought up by the other person. When this happens enough, the DA deactivates hundreds of little times on a daily basis until their partner can't take it anymore and leaves, or the DA just lives in their narrative about the relationship instead of checking in to the reality and deactivates themselves right out the door.
On the other hand, FAs usually lean in to their anxious side with a DA and activate over and over trying to fix the relationship until they're fed up with continually being disregarded. Then they deactivate with a hard shutdown and decide that they're done putting *any* work into this relationship until the DA proves themselves by making up for all the one-sidedness the FA feels. If the DA doesn't take that cue to pick up the slack and restore balance, the FA is done forever. Even if they stay, (like for the kids) they're pretty much checked out of the relationship for good.
In your theory, is the FA the woman? Because relationship rescue seems to be mostly the woman's role/responsibility/Coping mechanism. Regardless if the woman is the FA, or, like me, the DA.
This is spot on!! Secure leaning FA here and def turned full blown anxious from the DA. He wouldn’t pick up the slack after burning me out, so I was depleted and peaced out of that bitch. Loved him to pieces and still do, but I just can’t with that shit. And I’ll add, when I’m done, I’m a total asshole because you hurt me beyond measure. And in the case with him, he knows I’ve suffered tremendous abuse and still dealt some pretty mean cards.
Extremely accurate
Oh my god, this is so accurate it hurts lol I'm currently in this stage with my DA partner and now I'm wondering if there's no hope that it will get any better now that he's responding to any little thing like this.
This is sooo accurate!
I did every single one of these things with my last partner. The Universe tells me love is coming my way. I will take the 7 day class and prepare myself for love. My FA style comes from parental abandonment and verbal abuse. I just don't want to be afraid anymore.
What happened?
This is 100% my wife. 12 years into our marriage her repressed memories of her relationship abuse she went through in her late teens came flooding back along w/Flashbacks. Looking back over last 17 years my wife definitely has most of what you’re saying. She is finally getting help.
Lol, I had a “no-show no call” situation today with my partner and I cycled through literally about 95% of the reactions in this video
Same here. Every time there’s no call, communication or distance - I go thru this. With a DA in my life it happens every other day. Feels hopeless really.
@Billy B wow. That’s a beautiful description of jumping to a conclusion that is negative. … when in fact you walked into your girlfriends house while she was showering. … I would think that’s a really huge bonus. ….
@Billy B ♥️😉
It is confusing to try and understand because I don't know is my guy is FA or DA. I am completely at a loss sometimes. I'm not sure if he's stuck, taking space or just plain gone for good.
@@valkyrie8112 did he come back?
Being with a DA will trigger every single fear you have ever had! After a year with him, and having him disappear over and over again..I want to be single forever!!
So, I’m FA and found myself deactivating strongly over my “I am bad” core wound a lot in my last relationship. I found myself thinking “she chose wrong” just as often if not more than “I chose wrong” since I held her in very high esteem based on our deep friendship before dating. When our disagreements didn’t reach resolution because of our communication struggles, I would spiral over the idea that she was disgusted with me and would eventually wake up to our incompatibility, leading to my self-protective and withholding patterns.
And yet she might have been doing absolutely no such thing. But maybe you would feel disgusted with her for “choosing wrong”. Thais says FA’s associate the situation with their partner. … yet it’s actually the FA holding the thought story that does not have shared meaning with the partner - necessarily.
The thing is that if she was showing you affection and giving positive messages - your brain sought negativity instead of positivity.
Hi. I just went through a breakup with an FA. Could I message you for your opinion on what to do?
Hello? Can i message you please
I generally identify with the FA attachment style but at the same time feel I’ve often stayed in toxic or just unsuitable relationships far longer than I should have in the past bcs I didn’t trust my instincts and undermined them under the FA umbrella…. and also bcs I become so attached to people. So this is a bit of a slippery slope for me. I think it’s important to identify whether we are not compatible with someone for example, even though we might feel chemistry. It’s important to recognise if we don’t feel safe or if our needs aren’t being met. It’s confusing bcs I have gaslighted myself in the past thinking: oh this is just me being too sensitive and demanding…I’m just being FA… - when I just wasn’t in the right relationship. How can you tell the difference, especially in the moment?
Interesting question. We are on the same page. Thank you for your thoughts on this. Hope someone or Thais can enlighten us here. “How to tell the difference?”
FA's tend to do exaggerated responses. stop and look at the situation when it comes up, and determine if it's true that you aren't compatible, or if you're just saying that out of fear. how you do that imo: look at the reasons that are causing you to think you're not compatible. those reasons should give you a clue. are they legit reasons, or are they little things that you're using as an excuse, do they include any projection, and so on. what led up to these feelings of "we are not compatible." were things genuinely not working out, are you in the power struggle phase, what's the persons attachment style, and were things actually going well until you said, things aren't working out. this is just my own thoughts on it though, i'm an FA and dealt with other FA's and that's my perspective on it.
There is a big difference between undermining a healthy relationship because you are FA and getting into a bad relationship because you are FA.
Being an FA, you can do both. It is the undermining of the healthy relationship that is the really big behaviour to cease.
@@Seashellsbytheseashore21 Thank you for your perspective on this!
@@MellowBellow1 it can really be so confusing at times. I second-guess myself or gaslight myself. I’m afraid that bcoz of my FA pattern, I am the one who is toxic…and yet, something’s telling me the other person is toxic and should be avoided.
It doesn't matter what his flight response reasons are. They have to be self aware, want to be in the relationship, and are actively working on their dysfunction. Their behaviors are childish and unconscious, and the behaviors translate as cruelty.
Facts
I am a highly educated academic, studied philosophy and come from a family of psychotherapists and still I sit here 39 years old and for the first time in my life there is someone who hits 6/6 patterns of me down to the details. It´s been just a years since I understood that I am a FA and the bonding trauma I experienced as a child and how it made me the man I am today and how it shaped all my romantic relationships.
Thank you Thais for your precious input/output. It helps me a lot to understand myself and in that way change my toxic patterns.
I'm 41 and had the same realizations only recently. 41, single and realizing why. :(
Holy moly I just cackled. I guess I'm deactivating right now. I'm happy to take a humorous approach to this phenomenon that is honestly very painful. PDS has helped me so much and Thais continues to educate me.
Its interesting how FAs and DAs deactivate differently
As a (somewhat recovered) FA, I relate to this. Even now while single, I feel like I have times where my fearful-avoidant thought patterns become more pronounced. I have some friends who I hold extremely close, and who I genuinely trust, but I tend to keep other people at an arm's distance because putting in too much effort feels pointless as it tends to fall apart anyway. There needs to be two to reciprocate, and I am done putting in immense effort only to be left hanging. So, these days my thought process tends to be "I'm open to becoming friends, but they can approach me on their own". Especially after I've already tried once; I'm 100% chasing people.
I also tend to base my hobbies around doing things alone. I have friends/acquaintances who have expressed interest in joining me at the gym (I do powerlifting), but I am honest about that I'm not interested in working out together with someone in general. Lifting is MY thing, and I don't want it to depend on anyone outside of me. It's the one thing that keeps me grounded when everything else is too much to handle. It's the one time I can zone out and focus purely on lifting the weight, without any distractions.
I also quite often experience people pushing my boundaries and trying to make me over-commit myself. I used to over-commit myself, due to people-pleasing tendencies, but I have managed to break that pattern this year. The issue is that I am extremely good at masking (I'm also autistic), so I know how to "look" as though I am not about to faint from exhaustion, even while at the end of my rope. Even when I outright state that "I don't have the capacity for more than I currently do", people (apparently) somehow fail to believe it. E.g. I've put an explicit boundary on how often I'm willing to lead meetings (related to volunteer work), and still, people keep trying to push me to "make exceptions just for them". I'm sorry, but they aren't more special than anyone else; I don't place down boundaries to be a jerk, I do it to take care of myself and maintain steady energy levels. Still, I have literally had people become annoyed and angry with me because of this.
Work is an ordeal as well. I strongly suspect I'll quit after the summer. I applied for one position and got a completely different one. Should've been out of there that minute...
I'm deactivating right now. Every one of these is true. But I already decided that when I leave this relationship, I will never have another romantic relationship. So I guess my attachment style doesn't really matter once this one's done.
For me the biggest thing is feeling cared for. Because I felt so uncared for growing up and feeling like I only had myself to rely on, I created a big wound around it. If I felt uncared for and unappreciated by someone in the past, I would deactivate and stop putting effort into the relationship. But I'm learning now to communicate my needs and to ask questions instead of jumping to conclusions that they don't care about me. Thank you for this video, Thais!
I vacillate between AP and FA with also secure tendencies because I have done a lot of work, but I have to say that as much as I can have these FA tendencies, I really only have experienced this continuum when dating a DA who has been incredibly distant and dismissive. I don’t just act this way as a norm.
Ya me too. Dating a DA boosted my AP tendencies like 10 fold and I never want to go there again. It’s confusing though bc I have a friend who is DA but I don’t take her dismissiveness as personally as when it’s a romantic partner
@@lizzzarduh Totally hear you on that. Not easy but easier coming from a friend.
I have all of these. Hearing her say all 6 really hits home that wow, they don't call this insecure attachment for nothing. Incredibly insecure. I def have the all or nothing thinking, they don't care, relationships never work for me, I'll always be alone, I don't need anybody, I can't trust anyone, etc. Now that I think back on my relationships all 6 of these come up with every person, doesn't matter what his attachment style is, he could be super secure and I'll still think he doesn't care, can't trust etc. This attachment style really sucks to have it's the most roller coaster and confusing.
Wow, I feel you. I am the same😢 I am actually tired of my patterns😢
I'm not sure if it helps, but being an AP is shitty as well. I'm constantly thinking about my partner when he's not with me. Is he ok? Is he mad at me? What if he doesn't really love me? What if I don't love him? What if I'm not pretty/interesting/smart enough? All at the cost of abandoning my relationship with myself. We all have to work our way out of it.
@@nellautumngirl yes me too anxious attachment is hard too. I think AP and FA can really relate on a lot and have a huge potential to help each other
Oooh that spiteful thing…. This is really so me. Note I’m starting to realize this doesn’t help me get y needs met any better than trying to make relationships work. I just get so frustrated and if I don’t know what else to do, I feel out of control and out of touch, the only thing I feel I can do to preserve and protect myself then is to shut down interaction and contact until I “get over it”, but I never do, I only get anger decide I haven’t yielded any results and then shut down altogether.
Guru Gibson - you are absolutely the best at what you do. I appreciate how you can articulate the FA behaviors down to the real nuts and bolts. I couldn’t be as educated and far in my recovery without you!
A lovely man I met, whom I was talking to for a month, deactivated suddenly. i had no idea he was FA or even had anxiety. He couldn't handle that we live in different countries (I'm in Canada, he is in US )and he said it scared him because we were getting so close and what if when we meet the feelingsare even stronger. I did no contact for a month and he contacted me via text a week after the month was up🤷🏾♀️ guess he noticed lol
As someone who is going through a complex (polyamorous) set of breakups with an FA, so much of this is in alignment with what I've seen and felt on the receiving end. The toughest part of it all is feeling sympathetic to their needs and struggles and wanting to provide more space to support, while also realizing that I can't do anything to help, especially since doing so means I sustain emotional damage. It has been so frustrating and draining to feel like no matter how hard I try to listen and communicate, I just get disregarded and things don't get better (actually they've gotten worse over time). Anyway, my point is I super appreciate how descriptive this video is -- it helps me understand that these behavioral patterns aren't directed towards me specifically, it's just my ex struggling to relate to other people, and any of the fallout I'm experiencing is probably not personally directed towards me. So thank you Thais for helping me process it all.
Sending you much love.
I was listening and realizing that I am doing these exact same behaviors with my business. I have been activating and deactivating. I am practicing contentment.
Wow, I never took any of this advice outside of relationships. Thank you for the fresh perspective.
I just recently learned that I may be Fearful Avoidant and I feel like you know me personally describing these 6 responses.
I have thought multiple times that things are all or nothing. I sometimes get in the mode where I just shut down and I don’t feel I’m good enough & that I’d be better off single so I don’t have to deal with the mirror my relationship brings to me. It’s hard to observe myself without judging
Hi. I just went through a breakup with an FA. Could I message you for your opinion on what to do?
I love that during her videos UA-cam shows me her advertisement too 😅
I'm really stuck in the "relationships are bad" mindset. I can't see anything good in my previous ones, nor even in other people's current lives. It seems loving people just makes them toxic to each other, given enough time guaranteed.
@@Alphacentauri819 perfectly said. ♥️
So the way to look at that squarely is also to say; Ok Brent, relationships are really bad for you. There is nothing that can come from relationships but toxicity. Always. So from that belief, you can stay away from all relationships and you will be ok. There is a simple way to sort that dilemma out. Or. …. Maybe you’re not actually stuck in that mindset ?
@@melw3313 that’s great Mel. That’s a resolution. But can I just point out one tiny thing that is still not healed for you? The “our dynamic” isn’t necessarily semantically correct. You do feel pain associated with love, that’s true. And being alone IS safe for you. Because of the trauma response you will bring to every intimate relationship. It’s not a “dynamic”. It’s your brain. Sad to say. You will either choose abuse or undermine a healthy relationship. … because you will feel horrible in a safe place or safe in a horrible place.
@@melw3313 yes. The resolution to not be in a relationship is a great one Mel. The intimacy in friendship is less, and obviously with females and your pattern of choosing abusers IS one side of the FA dilemma. And that CAN be fixed once co-dependency and the feeling safe in a horrible place is assessed. But if you are FA AND codependent then the thing is that the emotional “normalcy” of abuse is stored in your amygdala and has no “chronology” like your hippocampus does. And if you constantly choose abusers to be intimate with, your amygdala is forcing you to do that and you don’t realise that. ( of course ). That’s your brain making you comfortable in a horrible place. And it’s also repetition compulsion. Which is trauma happening in the present, because it happened in the past. ( the compulsion has no “past”, no chronology, it’s not “over” like a memory in our hippocampus…) Once we realise that compulsion exists and why, we start to process the trauma. And also make the assumptions our brain drives, crystallise. Working on codependency is GREAT. you could also try EMDR therapy ?
@@melw3313 excellent test. If you do see red flags. Leave. Leave early. You won’t see red flags in a secure person because there will not be any.
I always love your content! Very insightful! I have done all of these deactivating coping mechanisms. When it comes to spitefulness, I have found that I don't do that with many people, only people who are emotionally supressed(DA's) and really don't want to talk about how their actions make me feel. Rather, they dismiss my feelings. So when what they did to me happens to them, they finally come around and get it. So some people need to experience what they're giving out in order to truly understand. Which sucks on both ends. Of course, with my new growth mindset, I try to communicate or just walk away instead of putting in all that effort into trying get someone to understand where I'm coming from.
Intersting perspective
Yes, I think my ex (DA) was always surprised when I deactivated. When I did that it was out of helplessness, hurt and not wanting to do the wrong thing. He said to me: how can a woman be like that? He always expected to be pressured into something I guess. I sometimes have the feeling that he understood how it is to be on the receiving end of such a behaviour by my deactivations. And now he can appreciate it more that his new girlfriend is always there and pressuring him 😉
I deactivate when my needs aren’t being met. If I asked for more quality time and feel like I’m being neglected then I’ll shut down because I tell myself no one ever meets my needs and I’ll never find someone that will.
This is pure facts. Just had a relationship end with a FA and I’m an AP. They left cold and had mentally checked out for all the reasons you mentioned
Same. His reasons were ‘we’re too different’ and ‘I’m becoming attracted to other people and I don’t want to hurt you’ and ‘I should be single forever’ I’m not sure if him wanting to sleep with other people fits any of the deactivating strategies in the video
This is the inner workings of my brain word for word. I start out relationships secure but the second one little thing triggers me, I will find every excuse to leave. I may even stay for a while but have the break up conversation in my head constantly and the more I'm triggered, the more that gets added into my upcoming breakup story. I won't say anything until the grand finale emotional outburst before I retreat for months. It's awful living in my head sometimes. I just need to feel safe and heard. ❤️ I know DA's get the worst rap, but my DA has been on the receiving end of this behavior with me over the past few years and gives me my space then comes back when he knows it's safe and things have cooled down. He is actually part of the trigger so I've had to learn his avoidant style too. We're learning each other and now when we have an emotional discussion, neither of us quit each other. We finish what we have to say and talk the next day. We've never done this before I started watching these videos and I'm super grateful for them.
You just described me. 😂
This is happening right now. Ticked off all points, again. I'm deactivating more frequently, and I honestly don't know how much longer I hang on before I decide to call it quits. relationships for FA's are to hard. I was happier when single.
I just found out I’m fearful avoidant and I’m doing research… and wondering… would it be easier to fix it or could I somehow program myself to stop yearning for a relationship. Being single would be so much easier but I can’t stop this nagging feeling that I want companion. This sucks.
I just realised this is actually me right now/today. I felt insecure/unseen by my partner and all day i have immediately thought I can’t do this, I’m not good enough and just have this overwhelmed get me out of here feeling. My anxiety has been bad today.
Finally felt secure enough to show him my real feelings. Flight response activated in him! This discussion helps me understand. Thanks.
my ex that is FA I think leaning DA who left a month ago did ALL of these things like to the tee. I wish so badly that he could realize what has happened and work towards healing. Love him so much and the trauma he has experienced and it still affecting him in such extreme ways is heartbreaking.
Right now I feel caught between pull away and hold on. I feel like everything is too intense and it's no future in it anyway so the mistake is not letting go but giving in to the urge to hold on and cling to something that just isn't meant to be.
Dude. You're the real freaking deal. Buying a membership before the end of the week.
Thanks for your work Thias!
Damn. Thais just read me. I don't think I've always been an FA, but several traumatic responses have contributed to my current position. I am so happy that I've stumbled across these videos - it's really helping me to start addressing the breakdown of some of the relationships I have experienced and also, to encourage me to become a little closer to former friends. Not that we ended on a bad note, but I just stopped trying.
8:00 Ive lived my entire life with this as my conscious core philosophy. I'm always on the lookout for treachery, even from my closest friends, and i don't share many points of weakness that way people can't exploit them, because I'm quite certain they will given the opportunity
When I pull away & stonewall before getting chance to know someone I feel absolutely nothing, which is why it's so hard to figure out. It's like an instinctual pulling away reaction like pulling your hand away from fire. Even though pulling away is not what I want.
Not a romantic situation but he (DA) stood me up and didn’t bother calling to apologize and I went through this whole thought process. I honestly think he has become complacent and I don’t think these feelings are wrong.
I tried so hard with my FA ex - she was so worried I'd cheat and this and that. Then as the year anniversary of our relationship approached, she saw fit to start fault-finding on me, but we resolved that because she knew it wasn't true that I didn't care, she said she was too depressed and couldn't handle a relationship and blew the whole thing out of the water. I love her so much still, but there's not a damn thing I can do. All I can say is the old trite line, "Hurt people hurt people." She seems genuinely surprised that any of this has hurt me, which hurts worse. She can't even feel remorse because she doesn't even realize it was hurtful the way she went about it and acted so happily after.
As an FA i am sorry you went through that and i thank you for sharing your experience, it really puts things into perspective. I hope you find the love you deserve. Blessings.
She probably isn’t as happy as you think
I relate. Why not send her an email telling her you care so much about her that you felt lead to send her some of Thais videos? I am thinking of this. It may backfire. I guess your email would have to be worded just right.
@@TrustintheLord860am also thinking of something like this but fear it may push her more into her avoidant side. Have you ever reached out?
@@alexandruionas-salagean8033 After nine months, I found out my FA is actually a covert narcissist. She had “new supply” before she left me.
I’m deactivating all the time but since I’m not in a relationship now it shows up in my friendships. Would love to do the school again once I can afford it ❤️thanks for explaining these.
Feeling unseen or ignored/not being of any interest to anyone is pretty much my core trauma content.
I never heard of anyone pinpointing it so accurately like this and why I suddenly withdraw, get sad and angry about others, feeling this overwhelming sense of unimportance of my existence...
Wow, this video really helped me to understand this more!! :)
Same :( I experienced childhood neglect/abuse and my therapist said I don’t exist - let alone as an individual - in my parents’ subconscious. I suspect that has something to do with feeling what you mentioned here.
I share this pain point too
As a DA working so very hard to be secure, I really put myself out there and made myself as vulnerable as possible. Although, I did have times I pushed away and ultimately decided to break up. My ex FA went bonkers. She became emotionally abusive, financially abusive etc, just turned into a stranger. Your videos have really helped me with this journey on working myself and seeing that this experience isn't going to change my growth and desire to connect.
I think my ex has this and doesn’t realize it, she was with a toxic partner for 4 years, I believe thats the cause of it. She would tell me she gets more anxious of someone leaving her the more attached she gets. She loved me a lot, always asked if I was sick of her yet. I always did everything to reassure her I would never quit on her. Towards the end her flight response must have kicked in and she said I didn’t understand how she felt, she thought I would have no problem getting over her. She said she needed to go back home and learn to love herself again before she can love somebody else because it wasn’t fair to me. She went from love letters a week prior to this isn’t going to work. I know she still loves me, thats why its so hard to comprehend why she would want to leave something thats good for her and can support her. This video helps me realize her thought process. I feel really bad someone I love has to go through such a roller coaster of emotions. But at the same time I deserve someone who is secure. I am working on fixing my anxious attachment style as well so I think being single until I am not afraid to be single anymore is best for my next relationship.
I am thinking all 6 of these at the moment. Now, I will instead make an attempt to discuss the issues with the person. You're awesome. Thank you, Thais
I'm watching these videos while trying to decide if I can stay in this relationship. He has used all of these on me at one time or another, and we are just barely together now.
I realize now that I did so many things to make things worse, like thinking he wanted to break it off when he was ignoring my messages...so I tried to get there first. But I have no idea how I could have known...
I thought he was my soul mate but I think he's just crushing my soul....I really don't know if I can do this. I don't even think I have the strength to try. Quite honestly, I would rather be alone most of the time because it's so much easier.
If you are FA, please get help because the ones you hurt the most are the ones who care about you the most.
FA here, I’ve been going through all of these in the past weeks
Thank you Thais. You’re so incredibly smart. Definite FA. I’m actively trying to resist deactivating in a relationship right now that has been nothing but supportive and loving. My biggest feeling is that I can’t feel love and can’t give him what he deserves and will break his heart. I am not equipped to be in a relationship. I’m afraid I’ll cheat because I can’t stop the critical mind chatter and the thought of holding out for someone I could easily fall in love with. But again, I don’t think I can love anymore. And if I did fall for someone the chances are they’d be horribly suited to me and would treat me poorly. And I’d just be running like a moth to a flame to my demise again. And I definitely would rather be single than all of that.
Let him go don't be cruel .
@@flashman2 spoken like someone who doesn’t get it. I’m trying to fight the deactivation here, and those are the words of the FA anxiety throwing up walls and self protection. Are we all FAs doomed to an eternity of self denial and emotional sacrifice simply because we struggle with connection?
@@smedmark1 it sounds like you have repeated everything in my head lol! although I feel like I am dealing with rocd but I'm also definitely FA. also that other persons comments are out of line ignore them.
@@smedmark1 how do you mean...emotional sacrifice?
@@smedmark1 why the cheating thoughts though?
This was such a great reframe of "misery loves company" .... while not the healthiest... misery just wants to feel understood
A dismissive, always set me off but I'm getting better.
Discovering your videos has changed my life. I decided one day to learn about why makes relationships work… after a few other videos I came across the Avoidant which described to a T my previous partner. I knew the answer to my own pain was in these relationship attachment styles. I just want to say you’re a blessing and this UA-cam algorithm is a blessing to my life. I feel empowered with this information to finally make the positive changes within myself to heal my core wounds, create a secure attached self and relationship. 🙏🏼
This is ME! However, I think its important to not boomerang TOO much in the other direction because sometimes, some people ARE just evil and trying to hurt you. As in everything in life, a happy medium is best...but the hardest position to achieve! Sad but true.
I’m upset this is so accurate. I’m trying to heal this but it’s really difficult.
I've been dating my FA gf for a year now and it's been a wild roller coaster. She's gotten progressively worse presumably because the honeymoon phase is over. She would be all hot for me for a month then pulls away hard through stonewalling which could last up to 2-3 weeks. The last time she got triggered was over flowers I bought her. Intensely happy for a few days then stonewalled without me having upset her. She knows all of her ex bfs have left her due to her behavior yet she continues it. I started in the relationship as an AP but have gotten more secured through videos like these but as I do, the light at the end of the tunnel becomes clearer and maybe it's best to leave her.
What did you end up doing?
@@dukethecolors Left her a few months ago. Too toxic.
@@fuyoooooExact same thing happened to me. Why do you think they get triggered when you buy them flowers? I made an effort on Valentine’s Day and she started shutting down then few weeks later she was gone.
Hahahahahah ohhhh. I thought all of these were true feelings that told me something about the quality of the relationship I'm engaged in. Apparently this is trauma responses. What the hell. This was 70% of my latest relationship. This is really enlightening and terrible at the same time. Damn. why do you have to call me out like that 🙈🙈 (grateful to be called out though!)
Thanks! I’ve been binge watching your videos and Heidi Priebe’s videos on fearful avoidant causes and behavior. Your work is so insightful. I constantly feel different and broken/damaged. I can’t thank you enough for all the work you’re doing to educate; it helps those of us experiencing this to better understand ourselves
wow, you know quite a bit about the FA...the flight, back away and doesn't want to talk about a distant future...Definitely number 6!
Ooooh boy. 🙈 I feel exposed. I go through each of these in varying degrees and cycles.
I've been broken up w twice in 2 years. . Never knew about attachment theory till the 2nd/last breakup. Both breakups after being really close. First one I was able to be calm, gave the space they seemed to want, and we got back without labels. The 2nd one after 8 months again I heard the "I don't want to see you anymore, and I wanted to be with you so much, but I can't do relationships with this problem, and I need space now, I never got it after we broke up before and I; dealing with all of it still. Now it's all worse!" . I was shocked it was a total blindside and they were almost mad and annoyed I was not responding....I shut down..... I didn't fight this time bc I didn't know how. I took the words as serious. We were co close, but I was also told that they dont want to contact right now bc they can't heal and get better and move on from the relatiosnship and what this has all done to it. I have not contacted them back either and it is since the New Year. If I listen to the video, it seems I should reach out..but really shouldn't they? They needed the space and said they don't want to see me..
They never express their feelings. My ex FA pulled away for three years, the " slow fade ". He disliked talking about feelings. I thought he just needed his space. He then dumped me for another woman. I am slowly recovering. I will be happier without that insecurity moving forward. I am secure by the way.
I'm starting to think Thais can read my mind! I went through I can't do this anymore and I shouldn't be in a relationship anyway for an hour this morning and then I see this video pop up 😂
I have thought EVERY single one of these as an F.A.
I am crying watching these videos..
Thought I was an AP trying to be secure and came here to learn about my partner but I started crying because this is actually my thought patterns...the worst is that I' m actually scared by the fact that he's feeling it too
Taking all my self control to not send this to my ex. I miss him terribly, he let out a bunch of truths that causes me to react negatively (rightly so) and he systematically deactivated afterwards. Attempted to have a talk that he kept putting off, then he abruptly ended things via text stating I deserve better, he keeps hurting people and that he needs to fix himself. He doesn’t believe in therapy so I don’t anticipate he’ll ever get “fixed”. I considered my self secure, slight FA at times but with was pushed to anxious, and as I felt him distancing squarely rested in FA with Aries fire. Smh. So much could’ve been resolved with a simple conversation. Now I’m just waiting for him to miss me enough to reach back out to me. No contact.
Coincidently this video came up on my feed right after I literally ran away. Felt triggered by everyone relying on me, which is a
childhood core sound. Thank you.
I’m so worried I’m going to lose my DA. I’m sabotaging my relationship and feeling terrible. I don’t know how to get out of this and stop being so negative and fearful. Everything was amazing for 6 months and this last month I’ve just been terrible.
In your defense, being with a DA can be fucking excruciating…
Thank you for posting these. I am seeing a cbt therapist because of a ton of legal trouble I got into years ago, and a group session weekly due to the same trouble. I do allot of research about developing healthy relationships and your video came up in my Google feed. Patterns in my life started making much more sense after realizing I was a fearful avoidant, and I'm now able to start working through this in therapy.
Once again Thais/PDS drops the most relevant discussion that I am currently struggling with. As others said, every point is spot on. Exactly how I’m experiencing it, with that exact mindset. But instead of feeling a bit ashamed or hard on myself, I listen and enact the exercises she suggests. Greatly appreciate all that you do for us, thank you so very much!!
Wow I have recently found out that I am fearful avoidant/Disorganizer attachment style , I been saying that i detach and let go before I get hurt or do stuff that hurts ppl sometimes when I am emotionally charger and hurt... 💔
As always, you help me understand myself better. Also, girl you look radiant in yellow!
Thank you so much for this
I am a fearful avoidant and currently experiencing every single one of these.....
Well, this is me to a “T.” Makes me question some decisions I have made to end relationships. More than one.
I have a question though. when life happens... is not that there is a mind reader somewhere that confirms that fears are solely fears. What if this FA has valid points to be preoccupied? and therefore this mechanism is for protection
- Consider whether those "valid points" are based on past experiences and/or fears.
- If the valid points are due to the experiences of the relationship at hand: What are the unmet needs? Brainstorm how you can meet those needs yourself, and how you can get them met through others/the other person. Express this to the other person, clearly.
This mechanism is used for protection due to fears based on past experiences.
Fears from the past will not be met by actual bad circumstances in the present, only triggers. If the fear is disproportionate and dysregulated in comparison to present events, then you know it’s a trauma response. Negative thoughts and feelings that are not in proportion to present events related to your attachment figure.
@@georgieeve2026 Not everything is a about needs. Is much more simple and profound. Love and Respect. Past experiences are the knowledge that someone carries. The question here is whether this person takes the fair amount of responsibility and admits and analyzes where something went south. When an FA gets oneself and knows strengths and weaknesses, may explore the possibility to discard some information for fear of being fearful or difficult. Express it is valuable where there is an ear. If these expressions/discussions or whatever.. are towards an egocentric person.. voila the fears become reality, once more
@@MellowBellow1 Totally agree here!
I cannot thank you Thais enough for transformation my life in terms of relationships both friendships and romantic relationships. I see alot of these patterns in the people around me and i soo badly what to help
You hit the nail on the head once again. I’ve had every single one of these thought patterns.
You are giving me the greatest chills ever
I feel seen heard and validated for once thanks
Can you get any more on point. I have felt alllllllllll but number 4. Trusting myself that it’s deactivating strategies vs being with someone that is not a good fit. I still struggle with that sometimes. I feel so equipped now after years of hard work but I do see residual actions that stem from my FA tendencies. I’m with a good partner now but I tend to criticize ands pick apart as a way to stay safe. Any quick reprogramming strategies I can do in real time to address that? Love your work Thais. 💗💗
Omg wow absolutely every word
When I deactivate I cannot access positive feelings towards that person. It can last for an hour, a day or forever. A violation of trust prompts the deactivation. If I burned my hand on your stove, depending on how burned I am, I may never use that stove again.
When I become attracted to someone and they actually reciprocate, I start to experience all 6 of these within the course of a day on a unremitting loop until I finally shut down my attachment to the other person. I know I am this way and dread it because it's not the other person, it's me, and I am attracted to and attached to the other person. But I just keep going until I convince myself of the truth of these thoughts and then I shut down and can't turn back on. The other person does nothing wrong and I just despair at losing them-- to myself.
Hi. I just went through a breakup with an FA. Could I message you for your opinion on what to do?
@@oliviaprince7970 I'm not sure how to message on here, but I am willing to chat when I can respond. I'm a woman, and pretty unsuccessful with relationships in general, but I can offer any observations id they can help? I have basically crashed and burned in most of mine or they never even got to a commitment stage, much to my dismay.
Smh i needed to hear this.. smh this is exactly what I’m feeling currently. Joining your community now. I need help
my fearful avoidant ex would deactivate, break things off even went on a date.. but when they come back to talk they can't forgive that I was on a dating app.... because I "could have been on it while we were together". she was cheated on a lot during her marriage and I active all of that stored trauma I love the girl but she can't trust me
Thais could you please do a video on how to introduce the idea of attachment styles to an FA partner or an FA Ex you want to get back together with?
I would love that too
Haven’t watch your videos in forever !! You look so beautiful! 🙂
Well now I'm confused. For the longest I've identified as the AP on my 30 year roller-coaster ride with my FA, but more recently I've actually said ALL the things you just said in this video when trying to get him to work the PDS program with me. That basically it's never going to work if I'm the only one working on it.. Am I becoming FA? I mean I've felt FA when trying to date other people but, with my on-again off-again I'm typically a blubbering AP.... or maybe I really am just fed up. I've most definitely told him exactly what my needs are, he just doesn't seem to care.
you may actually just be FA, and your FA brings out your anxiousness. happens to me. i start out very FA, then once i'm comfortable, if the partner is an avoidant, i get pretty damn AP. and once they hurt me, i get pretty FA again. also keep in mind, our styles can change depending on who we are with. good luck xoxo
I'm feeling this way too. FA leaning anxious?
You are spot on with this. Sounds funny hearing it back but had all of these after a recent trigger xx
Thank you for sharing this information! So helpful and appreciated 💜
If an FA is stuck in deactivating mode, how does one gets out? How long are these deactivating periods?
The mode can be brief, the decisions made during it (usually dropping a connection) are usually permanent without SERIOUS work by the other party. The FA "tries" to move on as if you simply never existed and never hurt them to begin with
These are all true. Sadly, I dont think anyone would care why we deactivate, except us FAs. None of my exes ever bothered to ask what happened to me and how can they fix it. If I was mean and a jerk, people would respect me more.
As an AP who was harshly cut off by an FA friend after my attempts to repair a misunderstanding, I do care, but I wouldn’t feel safe being the one to reach out at this point. I don't think it would be my place to. I'd feel like I was intruding. But if my friend reached out, I'd talk to her.
Can I ask how long you would deactivate for? I am very concerned for my FA but they won’t respond
-'Listening is intimacy with that reflected, a preoccupation with it in our thought-life, our involuntary meditations.'
‘When I ask for Truth’s thinking in my mind, I find that disturbance doesn't happen so often.’ -Anonymous
Thank you.
This is amazing insight