The ONE THING No One Talks About When Quitting Porn
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- Опубліковано 27 лип 2024
- Tired of porn being a crutch and want to improve intimacy? Check out my FREE guide on how to quit porn here: training.mantalks.com/Quit
Title says it all, friends. I genuinely don’t see very many people talking about porn from this angle. Which is kind of surprising, but here we are. Listen in.
(00:00:00) - Intro and some of my own story around porn
(00:01:57) - What nobody else seems to be talking about
(00:07:21) - Look more deeply at your relationship with it (i.e. is it your consolation buddy, your stress relief, etc.)
(00:08:17) - Reorient yourself towards other relationships
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I'm at 3 weeks off porn tomorrow and happy to report that it gets easier.
I hear people saying that they don't know how to quit, but if you're honest with yourself you know it's not complicated. It's difficult, but it's simple. Avoid your triggers and don't watch it.
Great advice I was given early in life that I am applying here: Whenever you have something that seems too daunting to undertake, break it into smaller increments that you CAN handle.
Quitting porn forever sounds impossible. Quitting for a month. . . not much better. Maybe you don't even feel like you can quit for a day.
You can, however, be strong enough to resist the temptation for that MOMENT you are getting ready to watch it. That's all you have to do. Just quit for that second and go do something else. Stay busy. As the days go by, those moments are further and further apart as your focus turns to other things.
And when it's too much, go to UA-cam and write advice to yourself :)
When quitting porn, do you find that you have to go full no-fap? Or is the absence of porn the only goal?
@@hieug.rection1920 I combined the two initially because I had personal goals around both. It helped doing both initially because one usually triggers the other.
No fap for around 4 weeks was long enough for me to break that as a daily habit. Now it's more like a couple times a week (using NO visual or auditory stimulus), which is a good balance for me.
I was exposed to porn at an early age (around 12 I think), so quitting it was about breaking that association I had between it and sex. Even if I know it's generally not a good example of typical sexual encounters, there are still parts of my nervous system that adapted to and depended on it for arousal.
@@hieug.rection1920both, if you can pull it off. It's simple, but not easy.
Quitting both is difficult. Doubly so the longer you've associated both with each other.
If need then porn.
If porn then need.
It creates a dopamine feedback loop and builds on itself.
Some of the time, the need led me to the search, and then the outlet.
Sometimes I wanted to, for reasons incidental to the need itself, the need was to get to the release, and the porn was in service to the need, so it was ultimately in service to the unrelated reasons why I wanted release.
It muddies up my mental waters and scrambled all sorts of ideas and feelings into a very ugly mess.
Staying and steering clear and clean of both is again simple but not easy.
It's a pattern of behaviors that I taught myself and incentivized pavlovian style. Porn becomes associated with the result and the outcome. Porn becomes a convenient emergency release valve. A security blanket. A non judgmental friend.
It became a substitute for other substitutes for things I didn't couldn't have and felt I didn't deserve, even if I could get them somehow.
30+ years of both and I've made tremendous progress in mostly getting away from both habits over the course of the past 3 years, or so. Not on my own power, that's the truth. Only through God working on and in me, and through the added benefit from new friends and a recovery group, that forced me to confront the ugly truths I'd been using both things to run from since adolescence.
I'm not going to tell you that I haven't slipped or relapsed along the way, or gave in to desires or actted on impulses. It's happened. I'm as human and flawed as the next guy, probably worse.
I still struggle with the consequences of a 30 year habit and the eyes and the mind want to go, want to look, want to fantasize. Self control and self discipline, as a means to rediscover self worth and reclaim self esteem.
Long is the way and hard, that out of hell leads up to light, but it's worth it. Even though I stumble, even though I fall, even though I skin my hands and elbows and knees, and on bad days wonder if I will ever get to the light...I try to keep going. I may complain along the way, get frustrated with myself and my weaknesses, regret my mistakes, eventually I have to dust myself off, and start climbing again.
Focus on one thing at a time. Laser focus. Porn first. It's self destructive and damaging yourself. You're cuckolding yourself watching other people have sex without you. It's like watching people mukbang videos of people eating.
It may temporarily placate your hunger, but you're only going to end up making yourself hungrier in the long run. If that makes sense.
If you need help, it's not weakness or shameful to admit it. There's help out there. Just know and understand that you have to recognize the problem, as a problem, and want to change, in order for it to work.
You can't fix what you don't know or refuse to believe is broken.
I wish you well, friend, on whatever journey you're on or about to undertake. God be with you.
What I did was to do basically what you said, smaller increments. I stopped watching the sexual act, then try to stay away from all videos of a sexual nature. Right now I just look at some pics once in awhile of only a woman posing...no dudes.
Yeah, I started by removing the sex act from porn, I went from a daily porn consumer to looking at a pic maybe once a week to get 'relief'. And, oh yeah, abstaining from jerking off all the time does have benefits, like my ADD isn't so bad as it was...cuz...dopamine is easier to produce without porn desensitising me to life's pleasures.
Happy for you dude
Porn became my best and most trusted friend for years but it wasn’t ever healthy friendship. Leaving porn behind is literally like breaking up with an abusive partner. Grief is involved in the process of recovery, because as bad as it was I did love it, it made me feel good when no one else in my life seemed to care. The best piece of advice I can give to anyone struggling to give up is treat your relationship to porn like you would a real person, actually grieve and experience the loss.
This video came out at perfect timing wow, unbelievable. These youtube algorithms are out of control
Man it’s been a hard year for me trying to quit porn. I first came upon his “ how to de-sexualize…” video , and it was all chill from there on out.
UA-cam algorithm can read peoples minds 😂
Considering 99.9 percent of male population is watching porn, it is like shooting fish in a barrel
He’s done Beaton off to porn fellas.
you are not alone
I was thinking the same thing when this appeared on my recommended
It's like we are one in the same mind
I went two months and relapsed just the other day. For me it's a way to cope with and temporarily escape negative feelings. Its not even about sex, i just want to stop feeling bad for a bit
Yeah thats what always gets me, but you should go so long untill you cant hold it in anymore and do it without porn, less side effects and less cravings tbh
Plus working out/lifting weights/exercising is a good thing to focus on too 👍🏻💪🏻
Ditto
I get that, for me it's stress. If I feel too stressed out, I find myself watching stuff, and it kind of helps me "relax", or at least that's what I tell myself... Thing is, during weekends or vacations and if I'm out doing stuff, I rarely think of it...
Replace with exercise or meditation. And go to public place and reflect on how you feel.
Quitting last year was one of the best decisions I've made. Not easy
fall down seven times, get up eight.
never give up, i'm fighting and so are you!! we'll make it one day given that we keep being persistent
You don't understand how close i was to losing myself down the drain again man ... thank you .
This is very relevant to my story.
I never used porn as a teenager. I got married young and we were both virgins and very religious. My ex became very abusive. Yelling, hitting, throwing things, social isolation, withholding sex, you name it she did it. I had never been more lonely in my entire life. Our marriage was falling apart and I turned to porn to help fill the emotional and sexual void I felt every day. I know it didn’t help the marriage but at worst it expedited a breakup and divorce that was inevitable.
I still use but I find it much easier to not use when I’m busy working or with friends. It’s most tempting when I’m feeling lonely or get rejected.
Withholding sex is actually against the commandments 1 Corinthians 7. It is sexual immorality just like being promiscuous is sexual immorality.
It is just as bad as adultery.
Thanks for the testament, i had a similar religious childhood and thought only right way is marrying while virgin. After being rejected (mainly because i didn't try sex before deeper relationships), i lost my faith, but stayed a virgin, i think, what's been the next 25 years. Doesn't look like it will ever change, and i would take your experience in relationships over mine without more info, but that's just me. Jtlyk that it could've been worse.
GO GAY, you will be much happier.
@@Jasona1976 but I like burgers not hot dogs
@@evilemperorzurg9615That's because you haven't tried one....men understand each other in ways women cannot....thus a better relationship on all levels.
absolutely true
there was a girl that I liked like half a year ago, and we would hang out almost everyday as we lived not far away from each other.
That was probably the closest person in my life. Deep and honest conversations, energy that was surrounding us - all of that made me LITERALLY forget about porn. I didn't even remember about such a thing and about the option to pleasure myself.
Then I had a girl that was not so open to me (although she was hot ahah), and I didn't really feel connected with her, and at that time and after I watched porn to kinda fill the gap.
Quitting porn with a goal of making me more disciplined and productive, making my dophamine levels healthier, and so on, doesn't really help me. I just go back to it every time. I'm trying anyways, but I kinda lost a hope to do that without a meaningful woman in my life.
That is actually the best advise on quitting porn you can find.
Thanks for your work, man
Upd: I've got a girlfriend, and now I don't even consider masturbation as an option although we haven't had sex yet. Fells like something fullfielded the part of my soul that used to be empty
Edit:i now have 100000000000000000000 in my bankaccount
@@nittani. 100000000000000000000 what? 100000000000000000000 pesos, liras, usd?
The issue is this ain’t an option for most of us. You get horny at age 13, not recomendable to get a girl in highschool but some people might handle it just not me. Then you have to wait till like age 26 when you’re financially free and on self improvement to get a good girl, which means 13 years of being horny and suffering. Then if you even manage to get a girl and marry, girls like to deprive men of sex for some reason so the whole point is now gone.
Hello. I like the victories you’ve shared! I really hope you can get to the root of the problem though… because having a special person in your life is just a band aid… if you end up married one day, and the butterflies of young love go away after a couple years, you’ll be left with a deeper love in your marriage but you may start to crave the young, reckless, carefree versions of yourselves, once real life sets in again, when you’re doing life together with all the stress, emotions, work, bills, differences in thought and living standards etc… you may long for the way sex used to be when there weren’t layers of complexities and stress involved… when it was young and wild and more like a fun escape! In these times later in your marriage, porn will be the thing you turn to! And it will either be something you hide or she’ll find out and either way she will be deeply hurt and betrayed and left permanently scarred, even though it’s possible to still make a relationship work, trust me, a woman will NEVER forget, she will hold that pain inside forever. Doesn’t mean she won’t forgive and love and support you. But the damage will be done. She will always feel that she isn’t enough. It’s better to get ahead of that now, than to end up hurting the girl you love later down the line. You can do this! You’re doing great.
@@the_viper_mc4404- I just want to defend the female population that gets a bad rap as “deprivers”… when for the majority of us, we crave consistent conversation, connection, affirmation, and appreciation for being the awesome humans that we are -
not to be treated as mindless v@g!nas.
No one should withhold and deprive or deny their partner without compassionate discussion and agreement. Likewise, partners shouldn’t pout and mistreat or retaliate if the other is not up for it right when they are. And niether should shame the other for wanting it “too much” or “not enough.” That is not up for judgment - as each person’s drive and desire for intimacy is to be understood and worked with.
Also- this is coming from a wife whose husband brought porn into our marriage and not only rejected her countless times over the years, he now flat out deprives her of affection and intimacy. So it most certainly goes both ways.🥺 Please remember that… and practice empathy. 🧡
Learning to allow ourselves to be emotionally vulnerable in relationships is one of the biggest hurdles I think we face as men. Until you can have a relationship where you don’t mock your own faults or shortcomings and are able to talk about them to mature friends, you won’t be able to feel the connection you need to separate yourself from the pseudo-relationships mentioned in the video. Relationships are built on vulnerability, support and trust. It’s uncomfortable and all your instincts may urge you not to talk about it in fear of mockery, or showing weakness but that’s the gateway onto the path of getting past addictions. If you open up and get mocked for it, that’s when you know you need different friends. Thanks for the video!
Well said 👍🏾
Women want a rock.
Not a sock.
Very well said.
I quit porn relatively recently. I was “inspired” to do so by some content online in particular to do with men’s health, no fap, semen retention. It all got my attention and sent me down that path. But what truly got me thinking about it was the book No More Mr Nice Guy. It really spoke to me. In particular, about how “nice guys” often have sexual compulsions. It was that idea that truly inspired me to take back my power and reexamine my relationship with porn. I wasn’t ashamed or guilty about it but it was not serving me.
I even came clean to my wife about it. That was scary but she didn’t overreact like I thought she might. In fact, I think she respected me for having the courage to speak up.
I haven’t had any compulsion to watch porn practically since I quit. It really is about examining your “relationship” with porn, and with others, but most especially yourself!
Thanks for the content.
An advice i came across that has helped me on this journey to quit porn is to take pride in resisting urges and let that be a sort of "high" for you. So instead of watching porn to give you that dopamine hit.. let the willpower of resisting it give you that hit of joy and fullfillment.
Great perspective
Really good point
This is exactly how I felt when I quit smoking.
Pretend your a honorable knight beating away witches lol😅
As an experiential and attachment focused psychotherapist that also works with addiction, I validate every word you said here.
There's evidence that most addictions are a form of parasocial relating. making up for anxious attachment. There's too much simple behaviorism in addictions. It's a piece but not the root.
Interesting. Do you have any recommendations on books that explore the subject?
@@MartialGolf unfortunately none specifically. Look up attachment theory and addiction in different searches on youtube or google or chatGPT, something should come up
I’m 15 years away from this behaviour and I give all glory to God.
Please provide as many specifics as possible to help others.
What benefits did you encounter. Please list them
I used to watch these videos and be happy for others that they've found freedom from porn but I had tried tens of times in my life and thought it was a fantasy.
I sit here at nearly 2 years since I walked away from porn. I started at 7 years old and averaged 2-3 times per day.
I will say that in my case, my willpower wasn't enough. I got to know Jesus and learnt that I could lean on him in times of anxiety, stress and boredom. He changed my heart so that I don't want porn anymore.
If you're reading this, don't give up. It may take a hundred attempts but you'll get there!
Hard agree.
Long is the way and hard, that out of hell leads up to light.
But it's worth it.
Even if we don't get to the light completely in this life, we will get there, ifcwe keep climbing, and trust that he will be there to catch us when we fall.
We will fall. We will stumble. We will lose our grip. We will skin our hands and elbows and knees along the way.
We must keep climbing up anyways. We know what's down there, at the bottom, and what's waiting for us.
We don't want to go back there, objectively. If we could only be complely rid of the self destructive habit of thinking, every once in a while, that maybe, just maybe, we could just drop back for a quick souvenir. One and done.
Our lives would be flawless.
@@thegrimharvest beautifully said
At 7 years old, 2-3 times a day 😨😨
Damn son, and I thought I had pr0n issues 😅
Only when I sorted my prayer life did I see any real relief from porn
AVE, O CRUX, SPES UNICA
Thank you! This is by far the best perspective on this subject I've ever heard. Indeed porn becomes a substitute for healthy relationships. When your surrounding is destructive and chaotic and constantly frightens you then porn gives you a false sense of security and control and rewards you at the same time. Kind of a loophole for people with attachment deficits because of traumatic experiences. It is important to learn to trust yourself and others again and to build and sustain healthy, constructive relationships with real people.
Oh, 100%. I’ve been working through a lot of co-dependency issues lately, and porn is definitely one of them. I’ve never heard it described as a pseudo-relationship before, but you hit the nail right on the head, especially for folks with issues of confidence and independence. Knowledge is only half the battle, but just having that knowledge can give you that confidence boost you need for the other half!
I quit and relapsed over and over until I did theses changes:
1) regarded porn as cheating on my wife
2) I prayed to receive “the genitals of Christ”
3) regarded my seminal fluids as sacred material that can create life
4) I saw porn as being a sad thing where I should pity the actors and actresses and their families
5) get angry that male weakness is being exploited
6) remember that I’m not having real sex but getting excited over pixels and a computer
7) realized that my relationship with my wife improved where I became dependent on her
8) realized that I now feel more of a decent human being and relate to women in a non-perverse way
Love this list! One thing that also helped me was understanding that all of this is by design - the purveyors of this content know exactly what it does to people and they are delighted to see it happen. I don't mean the actresses or actors, but the suits who make billions off of it and their pernicious ulterior motives. I say "suits" - but even cursory research will illuminate a commonality between these unsavory characters.
The industry is evil I try to remember that. Porn only brings shame and feelings of regression. @@Namesi
This is consistent with two realizations I just had: 1) You have to detest it. Like a bad food that you detest, that the mere thought of it turns you off it. You just cannot think of it and think it’s wonderful, but you will just resist it. YOU MUST HATE IT. VIVIDLY. 2) It's great if I'm able to develop relationships with others to replace this pseudo relationship. But in addition, I NEED a relationship that will never fail to put me back where I started from. A relationship with my savior Jesus Christ, a relationship with Him through the Bible and prayer and just talking to him.
Excellent work..thank you.
Bruh really the genitals of Christ...bro you need to rethink that it's ridiculous
This is very insightful and golden. Never heard this aspect of addiction explained so succinctly. Thank you!
First, thanks for talking about this, respect! Love the clear eyed, gentle but no nonsense approach you take. I will say however that it is not that no one is talking about this on UA-cam, rather nobody may be talking about it using the language and framing (contemporary psychology) that you are. In some Christian circles this ‘psuedo-relationship’ as you describe it is called a spiritual spouse. Addicts become ‘bound’ to their ‘spouse’ (substances/ porn/ rituals) in the same way perhaps that a man is bound to his wife by his public commitment. Of course, the binding that happens with a porn habit usually occurs in secret and in darkness….and when I bought a vehicle the other day without seeing it in daylight…there was some regret the next day! So what you are saying has precedent, just in another language.
I’d like to describe further in the hopes that my explanation will be helpful…but also because it is a joy for me to engage and explore this topic! The God described on the Bible is a covenant making God- a God that binds followers to His ways with commitments that are two-way. God promises Abraham his family will outnumber the stars, for example. He asks people to have no other gods before Him, for example. From what you say on this video, there is, according to your evidence, a natural inclination in humans toward bond-making…but it is being corrupted by imitations. As my Dad has said to me, and you echo here: there is no depravity, only people who are deprived. So when life gets you down or doesn’t satisfy you….we seek to fill the emptiness, hurt, anxiety or whatever with something. Unfortunately in these moments of need, we are vulnerable to filling up on the very things that exacerbate the hurt, the need…etc. Your solutions are not simplistic and are multifaceted, however I see one weakness. This video emphasises the importance of developing relationships with other human beings. But if the root of my emptiness in the first place is my disappointment with human beings/ my place in the human family…I don’t know- are you suggesting there are some people who won’t disappoint me somewhere? You seemed right to me before I started writing this post, but now I am reminded of the truth that a married friend of mine shared with me when I told him I was longing to be married: “no human can ever fully satisfy you, Johnny. That is God’s job.”
Glad to hear that someone is starting to put "Porn" in category of drugs.
I can identify with your talking about quitting alcohol, been sober for 8 months now, so easy to remove it from the house and have an NA beer occasionally to scratch that itch, hard to do with something that's free and a click away! I'm older ( 60's ) so obviously the internet wasn't an option for me early on, so I could go long stretches without because it just wasn't readily available, my father wasn't the Playboy subscriber type, so there was none in my house. I've never indulged with high frequency, but still find it frustrating that I even still do it at all and I too find myself pretty much watching the same things over and over, which makes it even more frustrating. Love your content, keep up the great work!
First time I have watched this channel. I have spent a lot of time researching Porn and it's affect on our brains and lives. I agree totally that I developed a pseudo relationship with Porn, as a go to place to help me feel better and cope with life and certain circumstances. Little do we know at a young age what the long term negative affect this can have on our lives. I can say this has affected my life negatively for 45 years now. Thank you for the information provided here,it makes a lot of sense and I hope to continue to learn more. Keep trying and don't let it beat you, be encouraged.
I wholeheartedly agree with what everything you said, Connor. I will say this though: There is the challenge for boys and girls, men and women, to find not just a friend, family member and/or loved one to share/vent about their struggles with porn/PMO(Porn-Masturbation-Orgasm) addiction with but to also find and make sure that the person they share such intimate details with is genuinely trustworthy and will not use it against them in any way, shape and/or form. Great vid. 👌💯
Thank you so much. I appreciate your advice, you've introduced a peculiar topic that most UA-camrs never talked about and it's really practical. Thank you💪
I've never heard anyone else talk about this, and the surreal part was when you said that no one else talks about this I knew exactly what you were going to say...thank you for recognizing the relationship involved. I think awareness is the beginning of enabling change.
Thank you for posting this. I find the word "attachment" is helpful in describing my challenge of turning away from porn as a coping mechanism. And definitely agree with you that recognising my need for relationship is key to long term change. I would add a couple of thoughts, though my journey is only beginning. It is easy to be disheartened if or when relationships fail or when emotions such as shame or loneliness linger. I like to think of turning away from porn as a battle with a variety of strategies and fronts. I here found it necessary to "invade" the areas of my mind and life with good thoughts and habits. By good I mean it aligns with my "purpose" and who I am. At the same time intentionally face up to the emotions I feel in an authentic way. Easier said than done. For example I recommend anyone who hasn't already to check out the link between sex trafficking and the porn industry. Very sobering.
I'm at 92 days, after 30 years of basically daily use. The first few months were fine, cold turkey, felt good. Used working out to build the sense of discipline. But these last few days have been touch and go. I guess because its winter, because I'm lonely, because I don't have any deep relationships to turn to (my wife and I are separated right now, and my "friends" are all guys I feel like I shouldn't bother with this kind of stuff). I like what you're saying here, because it does feel like that. Like more than a coping mechanism, like there was a relationship there. And with so few relationships to turn to, I feel the pull of it. Thanks for the perspective, I'll hold firm.
Stay the course bro!!
This is awesome. As someone who is currently working on quitting today (long road ahead lol) do you not even masturbate? Just checking to see if that is possible. Just all sexual temptation is what I need to weed out?
Your doing great
Quitting cold turkey won’t work long term. You have to get the the root cause because you’re basically cutting off a branch of the tree when you quit cold turkey, that branch will grow back and that’s when porn comes back in your life
@@dannymazariego786 I don't think that's entirely true, man. It depends on your personality and whether you understand what you're quitting. I did the same with smoking, went from a pack a day for years to zero, and I never re-started. So I believe I can do it. You're right though, getting to the root cause is very important. Or at least facing reality as it is and letting yourself see how damaging this stuff is to human relationships. I'm holding strong (it does get easier). And hey, we're up to 137 days, so let's keep going!
Thank you!!!!
Just came across your content and it’s really refreshing and confirms that there are mindful men out there doing the work.
I’ve heard so many times that “all men watch porn and if they say they don’t they’re lying.” To me, that’s just an excuse for particular behavioral patterns which many may not necessarily realize the adverse effects of normalizing such.
Thanks again! Will be watching and sharing more of your content.
Stating facts is not the same as normalizing.
99.9 percent of man watch porn and that explains a lot of problems in outr society. Does it sound like normalizing?
I appreciate your insight and ability to communicate. Really high quality advice and video.
Being obsessed with getting off porn can be just another addiction or it can be another way of sexualizing your life . There has to be a constructive goal other than no porn.
exactly. People are crazy, you never see those obsesssive „self improvement“ things if you get back to my 90ˋs . People should care about the highest good. There is always a vice going on somewhere, it will vanish if you do something else better. Imagine bothering for seeing naked women
@@LearnCompositionOnlinefor most of the 90s ppl didn’t have computers they could view ppl being intimate on. For most of hunan history men haven’t watched countless men be intimate with countless other ppl. It makes your brain identify bodies as objects. It’s way more than a naked body.
Sexual urges are natural, addiction to nicotine is not
Excess of porn is like excess of food, a pathological deviation of the process of satisfying these needs.
But its not bad to se porn sometimes, smoke, or feast ocasionally.
Dionisus is a god for a reason, not only Apollo
@@doeixoeverything in moderation, even heroine and crack. Preach, brother!
@@DartNooboHeroine, the female hero?
Great stuff! It's true, I have not heard this so far in the secular side of NoFap but I have heard to varying degrees something similar to this in religious communities from time to time. It's also something I have just noticed intuitively when I had not gone back to it for an extended period of time when I was basically trying to get out of my shell and say yes to every social gathering I could to build relationships.
Brilliant, absolutely brilliant, thank you so much Conor. I’ve been dabbling with quitting porn for years and the biggest thing that held me back was that most all advice I heard included some implicit shaming and alarm for moving away from porn. Listening to your videos has been exceptional for me, I find both self care and self love for how and why I used porn and also for how and why I want to move away from it, I’m not shaming myself for doing so and it feels much more sustainable and healthy. Accidentally and maybe intuitively since I stopped watching porn I found myself calling my friends up much more often, almost daily and confirms absolutely what you’re saying - adding more meaningful, depth relationships is the key to get over my porn dependency. Thank you!
Fantastic video - thanks for coming at this from this angle.
You hit the nail on the head for me. Thanks!
I can definitely relate to having a lack of healthy attachments as long as i remember. It can explain most of the behaviors and strategies i have developed throughout life and why getting out of the addicts mindset has been extremely difficult.
Right there with you, almost 41 never had a healthy relationship outside of a 2.5yr stint at 20yo that ended up being mostly Sexual..... Pornography was my 'escape' along with gambling that threw me into a vicious cycle. I can look back in the last 2 decades and can only count one stands, affairs with Married Woman or paying for Escorts. There are a lot of us suffering, I just want a healthy Woman with real intimacy going forward. Good luck.
This makes so much sense. Thank you for making this video.
100%!!!!! I can't emphasize how true this is.
I realized this when I thought I might be watching too much.
No different than any other drug, when you have community and healthy relationships,
people will not indulge in this kind of stuff.
This is a refreshing perspective
Another aspect that makes quitting so hard is failing to plan for what comes after. If you quit ANY additive behavior that will free up large amounts of time and energy. You have to plan on things that not only get you AWAY from the channels that you normally destroy yourself with, but improve your life in an overwhelming positive way. Whether it be exercise, hiking, reading, writing, learning something new, putting yourself in new social situations, regardless it can become a fantastic time of re-invention if you make it.
I noticed my most vulnerable moments are when I wake up first thing in the morning and just before going to sleep since I'm already conveniently in bed. Having a good positive mental attitude book, or any other fascinating positive book within my reach to read during that time should be a good replacement of the old habit.
These are great insights and I totally agree, however the same problem exists here as with almost all the advice I see around self-improvement or dropping habits etc... If you can't fill the void left by something with something meaningful then it's almost impossible to quit. How can someone fill it with something positive if they don't have good friends or family, or anyone to call to fulfill that need? Meditation will not stop you being lonely, nor will any of the other 'tools' recommended by therapists all the time because they're all solo exercised. There's also the fact that childhood trauma stifles the ability to connect with others, so if you're dealing with that as well and have no real social circle to fill the gap with, then porn becomes your only reliable attachment, which is very sad but is true for many people and I can't see any real way to get around this problem short of a miracle.
I have that problem, I'm 27, virgin, unemployed/disabled and have no friends outside of a few distant online ones. Making friends has always been hard for me and the therapists I've seen do no good.
Yep, the clichéd assumption is that you put down the porn and pick up your contacts for the plethora of friends and family who are happy to discuss your need for female interaction and not offer lazy and trite soundbites like 'get out there' and 'join a club'.
@@EmergencyChannel Im with you dude. Aside from not being disabled or a virgin, I share the exact same sentiments brother. I don't believe that there is anything wrong with you (or me for that matter). There so many podcasts and channels dedicated to porn recovery, but, not ONE of them addresses the real elephant in the room: FEMINISM (and the hyper-advancement of women).
As an over-educated white dude who's over 40, I can tell you that not only is sex extremely over-rated, the women out there are extremely underwhelming. I believe that there is nothing wrong with porn, or the use of porn as long as women today have more rights and more opportunities than men. For me, porn is political action. I lost my virginity in my 27th year, but, by then, fifteen years later, my classical conditioning and neurotransmitters to porn had already been established and well-formed.
Although since then, I have had many girlfriends, (perhaps more than most guys), and plenty of sex (around the world and also probably more than the average guy) , I can tell you, sex always paled in comparison to porn. Sure, 99.9% of all the sex I've had with chicks has been out of sympathy, because I felt sorry for them, and/or, they would buy me stuff, take me out for dinner, and many trips around the world.
Every trick I learned from women. But sometimes there are double standards. I can tell you, women hate being rejected!! haha But there's nothing sexier than rejecting women. In fact, saying NO to women (when you know they want sex from you) is to me, actually 1,000x better than having to have sex with women). Sex is just so fucking BORING!!! I actually prefer doing the dishes , cutting the grass or taking the trash out. (at least it never talks back or plays games). So in conclusion, don't worry man. It's not you. It's women and society. Keep using porn. It won't ever falsely accuse you of rape 37 years later, or will it ask you for consent or to wear a condom, and it certainly won't get pregnant OR require Roe v. Wade.
Good luck!
Dude.
@@EmergencyChannelbeing virgin or having sex means jack shit, brother. Only personal connection matters, and is the apex of it, not the beginning. You can have regular sex and still be addicted to porn between sessions. Even in marriage. Being virgin says literally nothing about you, negative or positive.
@@Bluzian74 Sorry to burst you bubble, but Porn gets to the point where you could do it all day long, so it could literally eat your life away, as well as destroy you financially. And I'm with you that feminism has destroyed what we look for in women. It does look that the safest relationship is with Jesus Christ at this point. And perhaps find some good females to be friends only.
Completely ageee with everything I’ve kinda done exactly what you said over the last couple of years without realising it and my porn consumption has been near zero, this is the first time I’ve even remembered it exists in months!
I think this content and these topics are absolutely critical for all people. Thank you so much
Lacking and building meaningful relationships, and its connection to loneliness or unrequited desire are important insights when it comes to addiction to porn. Another one that I think is as equally important is for some, they use porn as a coping mechanism for pain either from past or recurring trauma, a suffering that is deeper than daily stress of life.
I started using "IT" when I had panic attacks a few years ago. Then I got over the attacks and I went on about my life, I started studying the bible and was doing great! Then all of sudden I got these really strong urges to look at "IT". Almost like it morphed into something else. I'm struggling to let it go for good.
Thank you Connor for talking about this because for men this is very important!
Spot on my man! That’s it exactly. Well done.
This is 100% what I have been experiencing man you are on point thank you for making this video
I’ve never had this heard before and this is a huge stepping stone for me and I have lots of hope for me to quit I’m in my 20s and I wanna let it go completely and I feel like this alone ruined my relationship with my old girl and more but I finally needed to hear this so thank you for sharing your intelligence on this
Everything said her is pure gold and truth! There are also 12-step programs such as SAL which offer a community, sponsors and daily meetings to share and study together. Three plus years off of porn and the brain does indeed rewire with consistent use of tools, accountability and work overcoming the root drivers that porn is used to medicate.
Damn man you're so well spoken and articulate.
Like I always say, “No matter how bad life may be, how bad work may be, or how bad the relationship may be YOU don’t have to go to Porn.”
Porn plays on our human nature. That’s why it “feels” as if it’s sooo hard to quit. Well said sir and great video.
This video is spot on regarding the emotional side of porn use. I really appreciate the framing of the addiction as a relational/emotional dependency.
I agree with the cessation methods mentioned in the video and I would also add to the list meditation and emotional self knowledge. These are individual focused tools that can help someone discover the hole in your heart that you're filling with the "relationship" to porn. If you don't know why you're consuming, you'll get the wrong diagnosis for sure and stopping will be extremely difficult.
I think it also worth mentioning here how child abuse, specifically childhood emotional neglect, has contributed to the porn epidemic. This form of abuse is tricky because society generally doesn't acknowledge it as a thing and it hides in what appears to be normal childhoods. I define it as not meeting the emotional needs of children and or condemning children for having emotions/needs, training children through negative reinforcement to supress emotions/needs.
I believe if you went through this type of neglect as a child, then discovered porn around puberty, you're pretty much at the highest risk for becoming emotionally dependent.
The lack of love + dopamine = relationship to porn.
I heard a counselor once say that men will watch porn because it accepts them, when they are not be accepted in a relationship. Kind of just like was said, it’s like a pseudo relationship.
This video is SPOT ON.
Never heard it put into words... but this has been 10000% my experience. Wow.
Every single time I went back was when things weren't "going right" in the world. It was the "ole reliable."
This is fantastic.
And I can, in my experience, 100 percent corroborate.
I remember feeling a kind of personal loss after cutting ties with most porn.
And I remember the times when it intensified were always paired with triggers in my real life relationships, especially when I felt they were insecure for whatever reason.
Once I identified the triggers and accepted the heavy emotions -- that I wasn't secure, that I was lying about the nature of those realationships -- my relationship to porn changed too.
It's not that I don't occasionally watch something still -- I do -- but it's far less compulsive, far more enjoyable, and I don't do it to have any kind of relationship and I find myself naturally not wanting to go back to it and yearn for deeper actual connections in the future which would come with so much more than just getting off.
Good luck brothers. Also -- don't be super hard on yourself, especially if you've watched for a while. Forgive yourself a lot cuz ur definitely going to fuck up more than a time or two. It doesn't matter so long as the long-term change begins and the pattern becomes that you don't watch/yearn for it more than you do. :)
Thanks man, I haven't heard something like that, thank you again
Thank you. This video seems it he was talking to me. I know that I would watch videos of certain actresses or channel that me feel comfortable. I sometimes regret porn but I learned a lot about myself and abilities because of porn. I haven’t watched porn in a while because I felt dirty and it was messing with my marriage. I am going to watch this again. So helpful.
This man is good!:D could really recognize those reasons in myself! Thank you for your work
I used to smoke and drink
I quit both but porn man it's hard to quit thar
Great video I'm watching cuz My engagement had to end over it and not enough people realize when a healthy woman fall in love with a porn addict it's devastating and hurts at least it did me made me feel not good enough, not loved not appreciated ❤
Awesome awesome advice here and great insight. And you're right, when we normally reach for these things it's normally because we need to fill a gap in our lives that's missing. So so true.
As someone who grew up Christian, we were encouraged to "reach out to God" and "find our relationship with God", so even that piece of advice fits here. (Not for everyone of course) But that's along the same lines.
Yeh, we all definitely need someone and having someone to reach out to easily is very important.
Love this. Great advice :)
Thank You For Being Honest
I Need To Be Honest With Myself Now
Wait a second. The one thing nobody talks about, about which you've listen to many discussions?😄 good video, subbed 😺
The reason why we have this relationship with porn is because we men r literally wired for intimacy. There is a book called wired for intimacy how porn high jacks the male brain. I recommend that to anyone who is struggling with porn to get a better understanding on why your brain is the way it is because of porn. I was addicted to it and was introduced to it when I was 5-6 years old and man it ruined my life, at the time and through the years it didn’t seem like that but it eventually ruins your life it becomes the basis of who you r, it consumes your mind. I almost lost the love of my life because of it and I had to say enough is enough and I’m going to therapy and going to SA meetings and my one year is coming up next month of sobriety from this addiction and I can tell you that I feel like a different man, like I’m finding myself and who I’m supposed to be and I’m finding healing in my journey, therapy has been helping me with that and seeing how my life experiences led me to be addicted to this. You have to say to yourself that enough is enough and do something about it
One thing I’ve noticed is that it’s like tasty food or drink in the sense that if you abstain for a while, and then suddenly continue, it is so much more vivid in every sense of the word, and that hooks you right back in.
For me quitting got easier, when starting to work my underlying traumas. After resolving one, that had a direct relation to my addiction, everything got so much easier. Watching those videos was a way for me to resolve the trauma, to relive that scenario artificially over and over again.
So my advice is this: go deep inside of yourself. See if you struggle with emotions, that cannot be resolved by yourself. Seek a good therapist and work on those. Your addiction will become so much easier! Much love
I feel so grateful, I can't possibly begin to describe it. If it wasn't for the easy accessibility of content like this and the very fact that this kind of content is being made by people who want to positively influence the world, I'd still be imprisoned in the deepest cells of apathy, a slave to my own addictive behaviours, traumas, lack of self-consciousness and whatnot.
When you wonder why many rich people either kill themselves or succumb to depression, think of this: when something that gives you instant satisfaction is simultaneously easy to access and you don't have to invest any effort to get it, you start wanting more and more since you're fantasizing about the reward, loving the idea of it, not the process of it. Ultra rich people have access to everything - they can have any person they want, and when they get bored they start experimenting with poses, fetishes and stuff, then they suddenly "become" bisexual, then they try orgies, then you have pedophilia and when they finally try everything there is to try and there is nowhere to escape from the actual, psychological challenges and the roots of the problems, suicide follows. Yes, I've just described how dopamine is depleted.
Porn and "having it easy" (in life in general) destroyed me. I had everything and took it for granted rather than nurture it every day, water it like a flower, remind myself how grateful I should be. I had a perfect partner in every aspect possible and over time I developed escapist attitude rather than introspect, detect and work on the sources of my problems. I ruined everything including my sexual life. Every time we'd make love, I would visualize porn scenes, girls I could never reach, unrealistic, provoking scenarios, sexual challenges, temptations. Because it became the new normal, the search for something more and more exotic. It came to a point where I got completely bored of sex and avoided it, but watched porn every day, and mind you, my partner was, objectively speaking, better looking than most girls I watched or imagined! I could hardly reach climax without my imagination resorting to scenes other than what was before my eyes.
I wrote in my diary the day I decided to quit porn (AND quit OR significantly decrease my alcohol consumption, not that I've ever been anything close to an alcoholic) and intend to keep it that way. I have not watched anything (not even random girls on social media) since then and the very thought of porn disgusts me, makes my whole body tremble in abomination. I would say I repent having succumbed to the atrocity that is porn, but repentance is a completely useless thing. If you didn't suffer, you wouldn't have learnt, every painful situation is there to teach us something and that's when a person is strongest, not during their illusion of stability and comfort.
Saluting everyone who struggles with any type of addiction and wishing you all good fortune in your mindly wars, life is better with a sober mind.
Awesome Helpful yr very helpful and obvious
I honestly quit because I just got bored with it. After many years of abusing it I began to hit a wall where it just did nothing for me anymore. I became apathetic towards it and realized how unsustainable it is. After 2 weeks I’m handling it pretty well. Will I have relapses? Yeah I’m sure I will but I’m never going back to who I was.
As someone who still has issues it work on. But I put alcohol & porn away as I approached middle age. No regrets. Still rocking years later, minus both.
Great video.
-Matt’s dad
Another big thing to add to attachment is that a lot of the time addiction is more about creating connection and safety to overcome childhood patterns of neglect…a lot of times it has nothing to do with any kind of even pseudo relationship at all. The addiction itself becomes your “friend” and the place you feel truly accepted and safe.
Very true. Good point(s). However, I feel a lot of men struggle to reach out to mates and show emotion.
Wow you made me think and figure out where my problem started thanks bro
Back in the day when I was in a LTR, All it took is one sex dream to set off a day/week of binge activity that throws off the relationship. It could go on for a week before that desire and timing returned to the actual person. It can be strange what happens down at the pelvis level, defies logic.
I agree. Thank you so much for this insight.
Really good information, and if someone fast, then it is really useful also
Thanks for sharing this
Great video thank you so much!
great video, im guilty of this. I need to do better in my own recovery
This is all fine and dandy. I literally have no one in my life, nor do I want anyone in my life.
I'm a former drug addict and I still see some of my addict friends. When I hear them "reason" with the idea of needing the drug in their life, it sounds absurd and it would even sound absurd to them if they were not addicted to it and that I'm sure of.
The fact that dopamine is a "feel good" neurotransmitter is debatable. What it certainly is is a hormone that drives into action. A fuel. It is proven scientifically that the quicker the high, the higher addiction. Which is one of the main reasons why more often than not, men get more addicted to porn than women. You don't want to be using jet fuel to get to your local supermarket. You do not want to open the floodgates just to keep your houseplant alive. It's a difficult process to recover, just like learning how to write with your non-dominant hand. It takes control and finesse to calibrate.
If you think your reason for addiction is warranted, then prove it. Spell that reason(s) out, write it down and see how much sense it's making when you go on without it.
I became an Orthodox Christian two and a half years ago. To my astonishment, immediately following my baptism my pull towards porn dropped away from me and I haven’t had a single relapse in two and a half years, previously not managing more than three weeks. Doesn’t mean I don’t still have other problems and battles (eating, for example) but this one just amazingly fell away from me and I haven’t even had to struggle with it.
Really helpful. Thank u. Identify your relationship with porn.. that's genius cuz when I reached addiction Its not sexual anymore. It's filling the void
Hey I like that you talk about this, but this was talked in a ted talk from Johan Harri, his main idea is about saying bonding instead of addiction. Also the famous experiment of rat park and rat cage, in which Johann bases his thought, talks about this issue. At the end relationships gives us natural feel good chemicals, so if you dont have good relationships, you might bond with substances.
What it sounds like you're saying is connection is the antidote to sex addiction.
In the rooms of twelve step fellowship we call this "the real connection"
So yes, Those of us already in recovery for these addictions are indeed talking about it.
Great video, thank you.
I've been trying to quit in recent months, but my problem is that I've used it for years as a coping mechanism, because I don't like feeling depressed all the time. I know I've got a decent amount of stuff in my life to be proud of(good job, good finances, good relationship with parents, hard worker) but I look at the stuff I don't have(Girlfriend, children, don't have a very active social life, ect.) and I feel like crap when I start thinking about it, so I turned to p*rn to not feel depressed. It's gotten bad enough that the behavior is now compulsive. I'm worried that if I do manage to quit it, I will just end up being depressed all the time again.
It literally took me 1 day to quit drinking. Quitting Porn is really hard. Specifically in my case Porn Hoarding..
good for you. congratulations.
same. stopped eating added sugar in 2 days
That's not fully correct way to think about it that you're addicted to porn and you've to quit. probably you;re not.
yeah you are not "quitting" anything because porn is literally useless. there is nothing to "quit" therefore nothing to lose. so youhave to just understand this as truth
you're describing addiction as a maladaptive coping mechanism for stress and anxiety.
this is the furthest thing from a new insight.
Not everybody is aware of the patterns within their addictions
@@mayomthuc9157 correct, but simply explaining this rather than claiming to have discovered it would be the honest thing to do.
He didn't claim to have discovered it, simply stated he hadn't seen it discussed in this context before. Get off your high horse.
@@MKULTRA_Victim_ splitting hairs.
new hack. everytime i think about it, i watch a Mantalks video 🤯
Thank you! What I've been saying for some time now. Any #noporn is useless unless we address the underlying patterns and dynamics that lead men to porn in the first place. In my case, coming from a touch devoid family and discovering masturbation and porn at a time where parents were splitting up immediately created a stress response pattern with porn. That's the sort of lack that porn can fill.
I’m married and my spouse and I are only intimate, not just sexual, but time alone maybe twice a month. No matter how many times I’ve brought up the situation, it never changes.
Use blockers & content filters on your phone, computer, & home router. They allow you to overcome the lack of impulse control in the beginning. Temptation will come & go long before you can gain access or get around them. I relapsed many times. Blockers saved me. I have no temptation to get around them, but I keep them in place nearly 6 months later.
I'm guessing rejection is one of the fuels that ignite the fire. Desperation may follow, or occur simultaneously.
Refusing rejection and desperation sounds easy, but it's not.
But it can be done. Avoiding rejection means finding some alternative to the rejector. And I'm not talking about sex or violence.
When your young stay off the porn . When ya get older it’s useful to keep the plumbing working . Also for post nust clarity . Use it or lose it after your mid 40s .
I'd rather have the plumbing not work than waste my entire days absorbed with porn.
This has got to be a younger mans problem, men that grew up with porn as an easy option. I didn't have it as an easy option growing up, I only use it to fill one need when I'm single and that's it, it's so easy to stop once I have a partner that fills that need.
Or this is just a topic that people want to overthink and talk about out of some misplaced shame or guilt. More often then not the issue is bigger picture with society as a whole, not with porn. Example: We went from our only dating options being local, to being connected around the world swiping left and right.
Most of the time is when I'm feel sad.
Great video! What frames are you wearing.
For me, its a way to fill the void of being permanently single. Ill never have a girlfriend, never get to enjoy a relationship with another person, never have sex again... so it's a way to forget it for awhile , because I cant have a relationship.
Very clever video