Thanks for watching! If you want your avoidant partner to open up emotionally - I hope you found this helpful 😊 And while you're here, why not hop on over to our private Facebook community to connect with others and grab your free trainings on mastering intimacy with your anxious or avoidant spouse? I would love to see you there! facebook.com/groups/masteringintimacy ❤
Good point about slowing down. If it's emotionally charged, you still need to have the conversation, but you need to cut it down into tiny bites and not try to spend more than a few minutes at a time on the topic. If you try to put everything on the table all at once, you're going to have a shut down and you'll take 10 steps backwards.
excellent video, the anxious partner will only make things worse by showing impatience and irritation when the avoidant just needs a moment to think. if thats too much to ask then the anxious partner needs to learn some self control and patience! demanding answers NOW is hostile and threatening, the opposite of loving. maturity involves patience! things that are easy for you may be incredibly difficult for others. if you can show no understanding and empathy for the other person struggling to answer your demanding interrogations, why are you even with them in the first place? you are expecting them to be someone they are not and cannot be.
Have you ever been with someone who refused to discuss certain topics for years, all the while staying patient and loving and understanding, but nothing gets ever resolved and the problem has gotten a heavier burden until the stress has your hair falling out? Is that love? To choose your own fear of feeling deep shame or other feelings of failure or anything that knocks your self image a few painful steps down, OVER the obvious distress your partner has with an unspoken problem getting bigger and the stress and the frustration from feeling so powerless? It would have meant the world to me if at least I had my feelings acknowledged. Not dismissed as a nuisance. Respect for eachother including eachothers differences/weaker points/wounds always is a two way street.
Having a developed emotional intelligence and dealing with the emotionally blind or underdeveloped Avoidant is always like water flowing freely from the tap into a too small constricted container. It does not mean you are unnecessarily Anxious because of the mismatch in emotional flow. I've been there. Exhausting and constant. Thank you
Good lord, are we dealing with an adult or an autistic child!?! It's not anxious, it's being an adult and not having arrested development. Avoidant should be relabeled as disassociative autism. I spent 3 years being unbelievably patient and accepting, it doesn't get better unless they are in active therapy. If you want an adult relationship, it will not be found with an avoidant. You will always be first on the chopping block compared to their pet, friends, family, job, home, and independence.
Agreed, I think the patience is only warranted if the avoidant individual is already aware of their needs and has done sufficient work and can let their partner know how to support. Otherwise i would argue that an avoidant expecting their partner to tolerate long bouts of silence without accountability or acknowledgement of impact on partner can be very damaging
.....outstanding comment and I agree. I was married to one for 12 years, we've been divorced for 22 years but still remain relatively close. Even now she will talk about all the wonderful memories, meanwhile, I am thinking to myself "I have no good memories at all", it was just awful in retrospect. Nothing has changed for her in all these years, she has had a string of short failed relationships. I, on the other hand, have had two really lovely, 'secure' long term relationships during that time and remain relatively close to those ones as well. Fast forward to this year, I met a woman with whom I had the most amazing 3 months, not so much as a single cross word, it was truly amazing. Amazing that is, till the evening she shut down emotionally out of the blue and for no apparent reason. Having been married to one of these I knew exactly what was happening. To cut the long story short, 4 days later I abruptly ended what i thought was a very beautiful relationship with what I thought was a really lovely woman. Shame. Even though I tend to be pretty secure and have very strong boudaries, I became as anxious as all hell during those 4 days. Sure, I was disturbed having discovered what I did, but still, it brought back unpleasant and stressful memories from all those years ago. Avoid the avoidant at all costs I say.
@@KasuterakekiI think they expect to be walked out on, instead of getting criticism on who they are as a person, if that happens to not be what their partner would like them to be.
I only learnt yesterday tht I’m an anxious avoidant and I’m dating a dismissive avoidant. The journey hasn’t been easy bt bcoz I love him I’ve always had to be submissive and break the silence when needed, yet I ddnt know it would push them further away (that I only learnt yesterday through your videos..lol) My question is should I let them know that I know who they are (DA) and I totally understand and would like to help/be with them through their journey to/in healing? Or me addressing this issue in this way will just upset them and close off completely?
There's videos on not telling them directly it will push them away more and feel judged and that something is wrong with them. Check Adam lane smith video on this
I am secure however the frustration of trying to get My Darlin to communicate causes me to push for communication. In doing so I say too much which is more than she can process which leads to her shutting down. Withdrawing. She cant correct so I have to. Remain secure do not be anxious.
How about avoidant partner takes responsibility for themselves and they also have to care about how their actions affect their partners? Why are there all these channels acting like avoidants are helpless babies?
Thanks for watching! If you want your avoidant partner to open up emotionally - I hope you found this helpful 😊 And while you're here, why not hop on over to our private Facebook community to connect with others and grab your free trainings on mastering intimacy with your anxious or avoidant spouse? I would love to see you there! facebook.com/groups/masteringintimacy ❤
Good point about slowing down. If it's emotionally charged, you still need to have the conversation, but you need to cut it down into tiny bites and not try to spend more than a few minutes at a time on the topic. If you try to put everything on the table all at once, you're going to have a shut down and you'll take 10 steps backwards.
excellent video, the anxious partner will only make things worse by showing impatience and irritation when the avoidant just needs a moment to think. if thats too much to ask then the anxious partner needs to learn some self control and patience! demanding answers NOW is hostile and threatening, the opposite of loving. maturity involves patience! things that are easy for you may be incredibly difficult for others. if you can show no understanding and empathy for the other person struggling to answer your demanding interrogations, why are you even with them in the first place? you are expecting them to be someone they are not and cannot be.
Have you ever been with someone who refused to discuss certain topics for years, all the while staying patient and loving and understanding, but nothing gets ever resolved and the problem has gotten a heavier burden until the stress has your hair falling out? Is that love? To choose your own fear of feeling deep shame or other feelings of failure or anything that knocks your self image a few painful steps down, OVER the obvious distress your partner has with an unspoken problem getting bigger and the stress and the frustration from feeling so powerless?
It would have meant the world to me if at least I had my feelings acknowledged. Not dismissed as a nuisance. Respect for eachother including eachothers differences/weaker points/wounds always is a two way street.
This was incredibly to the point and useful. Thank you.
@@TheMrstates Hey there, lovely! You are so welcome. I’m glad this spoke to you ❤️🙏🏻
Having a developed emotional intelligence and dealing with the emotionally blind or underdeveloped Avoidant is always like water flowing freely from the tap into a too small constricted container. It does not mean you are unnecessarily Anxious because of the mismatch in emotional flow. I've been there. Exhausting and constant. Thank you
Good lord, are we dealing with an adult or an autistic child!?!
It's not anxious, it's being an adult and not having arrested development. Avoidant should be relabeled as disassociative autism. I spent 3 years being unbelievably patient and accepting, it doesn't get better unless they are in active therapy. If you want an adult relationship, it will not be found with an avoidant. You will always be first on the chopping block compared to their pet, friends, family, job, home, and independence.
Agreed, I think the patience is only warranted if the avoidant individual is already aware of their needs and has done sufficient work and can let their partner know how to support. Otherwise i would argue that an avoidant expecting their partner to tolerate long bouts of silence without accountability or acknowledgement of impact on partner can be very damaging
.....outstanding comment and I agree. I was married to one for 12 years, we've been divorced for 22 years but still remain relatively close. Even now she will talk about all the wonderful memories, meanwhile, I am thinking to myself "I have no good memories at all", it was just awful in retrospect. Nothing has changed for her in all these years, she has had a string of short failed relationships. I, on the other hand, have had two really lovely, 'secure' long term relationships during that time and remain relatively close to those ones as well.
Fast forward to this year, I met a woman with whom I had the most amazing 3 months, not so much as a single cross word, it was truly amazing. Amazing that is, till the evening she shut down emotionally out of the blue and for no apparent reason. Having been married to one of these I knew exactly what was happening. To cut the long story short, 4 days later I abruptly ended what i thought was a very beautiful relationship with what I thought was a really lovely woman. Shame. Even though I tend to be pretty secure and have very strong boudaries, I became as anxious as all hell during those 4 days. Sure, I was disturbed having discovered what I did, but still, it brought back unpleasant and stressful memories from all those years ago. Avoid the avoidant at all costs I say.
@@KasuterakekiI think they expect to be walked out on, instead of getting criticism on who they are as a person, if that happens to not be what their partner would like them to be.
I'm avoidant. She calls me a robot
She is avoidant ,I call her a robot
@@cespedes1975 I can see you
It’s true they’re robots
Thank you❤
@@stevensantos4402 You are so welcome, Steven! 😊🙏🏻
What do you do when they don't respond at all?
I only learnt yesterday tht I’m an anxious avoidant and I’m dating a dismissive avoidant. The journey hasn’t been easy bt bcoz I love him I’ve always had to be submissive and break the silence when needed, yet I ddnt know it would push them further away (that I only learnt yesterday through your videos..lol)
My question is should I let them know that I know who they are (DA) and I totally understand and would like to help/be with them through their journey to/in healing? Or me addressing this issue in this way will just upset them and close off completely?
There's videos on not telling them directly it will push them away more and feel judged and that something is wrong with them. Check Adam lane smith video on this
I am secure however the frustration of trying to get My Darlin to communicate causes me to push for communication.
In doing so I say
too much which
is more than she
can process which leads to her shutting
down. Withdrawing. She cant correct so I have to. Remain secure do not be anxious.
How about avoidant partner takes responsibility for themselves and they also have to care about how their actions affect their partners? Why are there all these channels acting like avoidants are helpless babies?