Stephanie, I don’t think you realize that your audience really doesn’t care what you do or say on here. The real supporters just like hearing you talk. I actually really enjoyed season one because it was raw. It was real and it was authentic. Glad to see that it seems like season three would be similar.
Yeah I really just clicked on this cause she posted and I enjoy listening to her, I’ve just finished work and this for me is the best to do/listen to didn’t even read the title.
In my experience, if you’re always going through it, people tend to blame YOU, even if the situations are very clearly out of your control. But because they’ve been blessed to be in a position where they’re not constantly fighting battles, they assume that your situations must be your own fault. People don’t tend to have a lot of sympathy for those going through a hard time. Look at how the homeless are treated. It’s the reason why I stay away from people when I’m going through things. I often hear people complain about friends who are always going through a battle. But I think to myself… “If you’re tired of simply HEARING about it, imagine how THEY feel having to constantly be GOING through it.” People should be grateful that that’s not their journey in this lifetime and learn to have a bit more empathy. But until then, I will remain in my bubble when things are tough.
I hear and understand everything you’ve said and for the most part, I agree. What I don’t think the person going through it takes into consideration is the transference of their problems onto their friends. Especially if they have very empathetic friends who really wants to help “fix it”. The toll and drain that takes over time is exhausting. Those types of friends rarely consider what you may be going through, and yet you still try to help. The friendship begins to feel very one sided.
@@deontaer I can understand your side of things as well. I think it’s just an unfortunate circumstance bc the person going through it doesn’t have any control over what life is putting them through, but I can see why it would make the friend feel drained as well. Taking all of that into account, it’s another reason why I, as the person going through it, usually just choose to isolate myself.
As a person on the receiving end, the friend that always gets called to get trauma dumped on, please, for the love of God, vent to a therapist! I am the type of person to go away and weather the storm then emerge only after I am in a better state. I don’t need to unload on my friends about problems they can’t solve. If it is a financial matter, I ask someone who is financially able to help me lend me the money and thats that. The ones that are not able to help me don’t need to know anything. I promise you, half of the people listening to your problems really don’t care and the other half are happy that you have them.
My issue with these type of people is that they seem to often take the support you give them for granted. The help is never enough. They don’t show up in the same way when you’re going through it. Or they seem to forget that the basis of the friendship isn’t just you supporting them. They’ll go to others to have fun and only remember you when it’s time to vent. I’m so bored of it, I hate that I’ve become quite cold but I’ve been worn down.
Yes! I had a mutual friend who NEVER even asked me about how I was doing. She got so used to me sitting and listening. I old her how I felt and she apologized saying she would change. 3 conversations later, she was back at it. I ended the friendship
Girl there’s no need to keep “restructuring” your content. It’s okay to not be everyone’s cup of tea, you’ll attract the audience you’re meant to. Lots of UA-camrs! Lots of options!
Steph, people on the internet are ALWAYS angry lol. There’s nothing you can do that won’t piss someone off. I can say your authenticity and relatability in the height of the “femininity era” was refreshing. Seeing a woman in her thirties being honest about not having it all figured out was validating because everybody on the internet now wants to be a guru, a coach, or an analyst.. sometimes it nice to just see a person being a person.
No seriously! As a 21 year old who’s currently in that spot AND figuring myself out, finding Steph here on UA-cam was a blessing. She helped me get the idea that “I have time” stuck in my head. I don’t have to rush anymore. Her channel was stress relief for me.
When I would talk about my friends, my dad would always joke “do you know any normal people-why are your people always going through something?!” One day my mom said about it that “everyone is going through things, they’re just comfortable enough with you to tell you”. And that’s how I choose to see it! Yes, some people seem to be going through “too much”. Yes, I get annoyed sometimes that they throw it on me. but I’m just grateful that they tell me-I’ll never have to wonder if they’re ok -I *know they’re not 😂
My Mom says this!!! I have quite a few neurodivergent and frankly poor and queer friends. Wouldn't trade them for the world but life is just harder for some folks
As someone who’s parents are addicts and been on my own since 15 I tend to be the friend that’s “always going through it” but what people need to realize is their blessings like being able to have family support or people to rely on and fall back on. A lot of people including me don’t have that so we have to do EVERYTHING ourselves and it’s insensitive to think that these people are trouble or to distance yourself from those types of people sending us further into isolation.
I think when you are that person, the people you truly need will be there. This video is more like a guideline for assessing a situation before extending support. There are people who will be able to answer "Yes!" for every scenario I presented here, those are your people. If anyone sees what you're going through, self assesses, and decides they are not fit to support you in those times, let them go. Community will come in other ways. I speak from my own experience, and from watching what's happened to others, when I am no longer able to be there for them, or them for me.
YES. I don't have that extended village for support and only a few people to rely on, so I do have to do everything myself. It's tiring and needing a helping hand once in a while only to not get that help is frustrating sometimes. I have been fortunate that life has been more stable since last year, but at this time, that I need even a bit of assistance, it's tough.
It's the same for me. I just have my children and 2 friends both of them live in different states. I'm also a disabled person who's high functioning so that adds another layer of difficulty because usually what people suggest I'm already doing or have tried. People tend to have to go "above and beyond" their normal efforts to help me and most don't want the added work and hassle. I get it. I truly do. I really don't want to deal with those types of people anyway. The problem is MOST people are like that while simultaneously wanting you to do the most for them... Also, I run into a lot of people who like to play the struggle olympics with me over who has it worse or is busiest. Sigh... It all adds an extra layer of fatigue I can easily live without. Now I do my best to be better prepared and only ask for help when I absolutely need it. It's sad in a way though because I can tell people want to be close to me, but I know they won't be able to handle what I go through so I don't engage. Also, I used to be the kind of person that always tried to help others and never got it back. Now, I've become more selfish and guarded. If I don't believe I'll get as much effort and assistance as I put out, I won't do anything.
Everyone has the power to take control over their own life. Some lack the skills but most don’t want their problems solved in order to feed their victim narrative. They not only want you to solve it, they want you to fix it. I’ve given enough free advice to the point where I could write a book. I’m not that friend anymore and I’m pretty proud of myself for that. Everyone needs to be selfish once in a while.
I finally had to let my friend that’s “always going through it” go for my own peace of mind. I just couldn’t constantly be the voice of reason, the therapist, the relationship coach, the life coach, the job recruiter and providing references every other month…IT WAS TOO MUCH. She was an otherwise nice person, but every time she called there was a problem, and it never dawned on her that SHE was the problem. it was always the devil 🙄
Sounds like my old friends. The part that drove me the craziest was that they never noticed that they dominated conversations and hardly ever asked about my life. It was a very one sided relationship.
I’m okay with friends who are going thru it as long as they are taking steps to solve some of their problems. I can still support them if they take a more positive approach to their situations and joke around about it. Nobody wants to be around someone who is constantly in a bad mood.
My friend who's always going thru it tends to hibernate. I miss hanging out with her, she tends to self-isolate often. She also super busy at the same time and i dont get too upset when she flakes out of plans because I get it. I dont make large or expensive plans with her but I definitely stay in touch. It's gotta be hard especially since I know a lot of the mental/physical health struggles she's dealing with
👍 Going through cancer is one of those times. The people I leaned on, thank God, were there for me. And now I have been able to be there for them. Chances go 'round...
Hi Stephanie 👋🏾, I was reading a comment where you said you don’t want to embarrass yourself by over sharing. You should do something where people can share their stories Anonymously and you can read those and give your own opinions! I miss your personal stories but totally understand. ❤
There are individuals that are trained and compensated to assist with trauma. Let's normalize not expecting our friends or family to be those individuals and extending grace because they can't make space for anyone's circumstances. Ase' ❤
I have learned when going through anything to isolate and DND. I don’t even bother being vulnerable with people anymore. I will always hold space for others when they are going through a tough time but I prefer not to for myself. It only takes me one time to learn my lesson.
I was the friend that always played the supportive role. I guess it was easy for me as I was the oldest and just never was the type to want to “burden” anyone with my issues. I had a gf who was constantly calling me when she was going through something and I would consistently be there for support. My mother noticed I was constantly in therapy mode, and asked me why I always spent so much time always taking on her issues. I didn't see it as a problem for me at the time. However, when my amazing mom passed (RIP my angel) and that same friend was nowhere to be found it definelty changed my perspective. I no longer tolerate one sided friendships or emotional vampires. I watch how people move and if they are not matching my energy then boundaries are enforced. Now I have more peace and a better balance in relationships.
I’ve head a friend who constantly put herself is insane situations 9/10 involving incredibly obviously terrible men. It was EXTREMELY draining tbh and she sucked at emotional regulation. I unfortunately had to drop them because I really couldn’t be on call for her constant insanity. I thought it was a “season” but it was just who she is as a person.
As someone who's had to fight through life and fight for things that come naturally to other people, I've become very emotionally independent. I have a great support system, but I've learnt that they wont always get it because their life is not set up like mine. So I choose which battles I share and which I keep to myself. Someone may know that I am struggling with one thing and support me through that, but not know that I am in a literal storm of situations that are beyond my control. I've learnt to carry myself through the storms. It took me a while to realise that people don't struggle as much. I also learnt that people think everything is somehow my fault and I can't blame them because I'd think the same if I was on the other side of my life experience. With all that said, I am truly grateful for the support I do receive. I am also grateful for spiritual growth and my connection to my ancestors, it has changed the way I experience, understand and live my life.
As the friend that sometimes gets the call. I just listen. If I'm asked my take I tried to provide advice if I have any to add. Sometimes I don't and will just try to lift their spirits.
This video is so needed!!! So many times friends will trauma dump and then when things are good for them and you need to vent, they have little to no grace. I think it’s important to remember how your friend was there for you when things were going wrong because unfortunately when it rains it pours and no one wants to feel like they have a cap on sharing what is happening in their life…good or bad!
Yes, It’s good to recognize that our friends shouldn’t be used as our therapist’s. Perhaps if we are noticing that we are in need of a lot of emotional support-it may be a good time to get some therapy so that your friends are not becoming overwhelmed . Not everybody’s nervous system is set up to deal with so much grief. I’ve definitely been the friend that disappeared for a season . Not proud-but I realized in hindsight that I didn’t have the emotional resources to cope with their situation in addition to my own.
I had a very close friend, that was always going through something chaotic. I was giving her so much of my energy that I was stressed and even venting to my other friends about it. After a while just felt like a one sided friendship and I broke up with her. We were friends since high school and she took it very very hard
I think ease of access, i.e. texting, makes this issue far too common. The friend who's always going through something isn't inherently problematic. Rather, it's when they lack the ability to self-soothe that it starts to feel like the supportive friend is being dumped on. There are no boundaries and that's a never a good thing in any type of relationship.
I have been in the hurricane period where I was vulnerable and heard many nos. What helped me was spending time helping my community. I took a sexual assault course and became a crisis volunteer. My life was in crisis but yet I was whole. it taught me to release control and let the storm pass.
It’s tough bc you want to be there, but I’ve definitely stopped calling/coming around someone bc their chaos was too much for me. And ppl have done it to me too. It’s hurt when that’s been the case, but I get it.
Whenever I go through a "hurricane" period, I'm the type that retreats into myself because (for multiple reasons), I never thought relying on others was an option. It's not a good way to deal with turbulent times, lol, but it's generally how I have dealt with them. I take it on myself and basically disappear from other peoples lilves.
It’s warned against, because there’s always that time someone retreats to take something on, and they never emerge again. Some things are too big for one person. In a “hurricane”, have someone that expects to hear from you daily.
This one is so timely for me! I have a friend that has been down for a while now (few years). She used to complain but now days she just has nothing positive to say and it’s DRAININGGGGG. I’m always at a point where I can hardly talk to her anymore because she has a negative outlook on everything. When she’s not doing that, she’s comparing herself to others, which I think makes her feel better…. It’s tough because you don’t want to lose a friend who may really need you.
I’ve had that “always going through it” friend, but the main problem was that the friendship started to feel like me being a cheerleader instead of a friend. I would always worry about stressing my friend out any further than they already were. So when I had down moments I wanted to talk about (moments that weren’t as bad as theirs) I felt like I couldn’t be open to them about it. Even when I did try to talk, they were so distracted that everything I went got forgotten or ignored. It was just unsustainable after a while. Supporters need support as well.
I relish your mind Steph, what a great topic. I was the friend in crisis this year. I lost my mom, amongst other catástrophes. I pulled back from sharing every detail of every ache with my closest friend because I personally felt like I would be too draining. I also was apolagetic to friends for my inability to hold space for whatever they were going through. I was drowning in my own sorrow; I didnt want to pull anyone down with me or sink faster with them. I truly believe my choice, as alienating as it was(is), preserved friendships. There was no snapping on either end❤ cause I really think I could have snapped a few times with " girl my mothet DIEDDDDD, get over that clown" 😂. Never happened, loved that for us.
I think that therapy in these moments in so important. There are so many relationships in my life that would have been preserved if I didn't JUST isolate in these moments, but I also sought out professional counsel (sometimes I did, but not consistently!) that way I would be able to talk through my emotions without also damaging my relationships. Especially when the people around me couldn't relate.
@OhStephco Access to professional help for most in my country (South Africa), is almost near impossible because of affordability. Forgive me if I'm opening up old wounds, but I never knew there was such a thing called pretty privilege until I came across one of your videos when I was doing research about why dark skin babies are less likely to be adopted. Your ability to self reflect has enlightened many and encouraged us to pull out those mirrors. I know the internet can be a cruel place but I wanted to say thank you for your bravery.
This video was made for me because I had to recently stop being friends with a girl who would constantly dump on me & it was so bad that after a while, I would have to tell her point blank what it was, she would purposely act 'slow' to gain my sympathy 🙄 It's really hard to view someone as a peer when you're constantly trying to mentor them over things that should be common sense to most & mind you, she was older than me.... so when I go through things, I have a tendency to sit with it long enough so I can figure it out for myself because they last thing I want to do is to become that person that ALWAYS has the problems 💯
Yes! And on the flip side, if someone is always mentoring you...you begin to feel like they aren't your peer. And question the basis of the friendship.
I say this with love and kindness in my heart as I really enjoy all your content and respect you as a creator so I hope you will take it as such, imo you're too hard on yourself. It seems like you keep changing how you feel about your content after the fact. I dont know if it's insecurity or perfectionism or shame or self doubt but I just want to tell you, I think youre a great creator exactly as you are. I hope you know so many people (myself included) feel like we are chatting with a big sister or best friend when we watch you (yeah yeah I know parasocial relationships are bad). The variety in content is fun. I even watch your videos on topics I'm not really interested in. That speaks to your ability to make just about anything interesting and engaging. I just hope you are changing and adapting from a place of positivity and not due to any type of negative self doubt. To quote the one and only PMK, you're doing great sweetie 🙌🏽💛
I don’t do truama dumping, which is usually hidden behind ‘drama’. It’s a fake form of bonding that gives a perceived sense of closeness that’s not really there. I think sometimes fully black girls & women put too much emotional pressure on their girlfriends and hold them to this ridiculously high friendship standard when they should be going to therapy. All of my (8) girlfriends have earned the right to call me at 2:00am to move a body. My friend’s exhusband (we got married at the same time) who went after her financially, my other newly married pregnant friend calling me in the middle of the night in tears worried about the health of her pregnancy. My single friend bursting into tears because her baby daddy refused REFUSED to marry her, but met a really beautiful black girl and proposed, had a big wedding, brought her a house and that lady is now a SAHW. That’s the life SHE wanted - the heart break in her voice wondering if she fumbled the bag OR just was not thee ONE. Both were true. Your drama too ME, seems manufactured and like adulting issues. They’re real to YOU and you can tell them to me over brunch, or dinner, at the gym as funny, but stressful antidotes. But you better not call me at 2am and expect me to get out of my bed unless you’re my bestie in the Westie. Know your friendship position - they’re levels to this.
There's another side of the coin. When you have that friend that always has something going on, when it's their time to step up are they receptive? I've notice that since their life is always a 'battlefield', my little "oh, i can't take this job anymore" issue just seems like nothing to them. I almost feel as if talking to my more high drama friends is some sort of disrespect compared to their issues. Yes, they play along, but you can always see that slight smirk of "this is nothing compared to all I've been through" while you're talking.
I have high seasons and lows seasons but ultimately, I know I am blessed because what others go through, I do not have the tolerance to endure. But them low seasons sometimes seem to last for months and years. What helps me, is to find a new goal to focus on and the things I can control and hope for the best. ❤
My mom struggles with chronic illness and I’ve watched firsthand how people have left her life time and time again because she’s always going through something. It’s heartbreaking because sometimes there really are circumstances that you CANNOT control.
Oh my gosh season 3 is off to a great start. I saw somewhere the other day a similar discussion from a younger group and one comment was, I can’t believe the girl said to her friend I’m not your therapist as a response to the, reaching out for support. The amount of people who said that was ok you need to put your own mental health first, seemed to not have the tools to communicate compassionately. This conversation your having about what someone should do, it’s important. And in this “economy”, so relevant.
This is a tough one! I've been on both sides of this conversion. In my experience, it helped me to know that different people have different "supporting abilities", and some are better in, like, emotional support than others. I also try to have healthy and balanced boundaries between myself and others. And I'm trying to be close to people who share similar problems in life; like, when I tell about my autistic difficulties to my (autistic) boyfriend, he just ✨️gets it✨️and I don't even need to explain all the details 🤔
I’m always going through it…at least this year I have been. Dealing with a lot of situations that were out of my control. But instead of complaining and dumping on the people around me, I just deal with it by myself in silence. I don’t trust anyone enough to open up to… besides my therapist.
Saving to listen to later. Because I’m the friend who’s always going through it… with three kids and a husband, my lifestyle looks a ton different than those within my friend group. So with three kids, someone is always sick, I have a super busy hard working husbae, a lot falls on me and I’m always busy… did I mention that I have a high needs child and a special needs child? lol my dynamic is not for the weak! I dump a lot! And have pulled back since the realization and actually just self manage and talk about my load with my husband, our counselor and my therapist.
*Compassion Fatigue-T.D. Jakes. I understand we all go through pressure to become diamonds. However, there are people who consistently place themselves in situations for attention.*
As a friend that is “always going through it” I have learned that it is important to understand what friend can tolerate the heaviness of what is happening. Reading the room is super important. I liked that you highlighted the importance of being transparent about what you can handle. And that we all will go through something. Great conversation! It’s a great reminder that friendships are layered and complex and require accountability
Great point I have been on both ends but I was always the friend that never burdened my friends with my problems I would hold them in and rely on God. But I attracted friends that would use me as a dumping ground. To release horrible information make themselves feel better and leave emotionally depleted. I finally put a stop to it yea I might have only one good friend. BUT THE PEACE IS EVERYTHING. I LOVE MY FRIENDS AND WILL BE THERE FOR THEM BUT WITH BOUNDARIES. MAKE SURE YOUR FRIENDS ARE IN A GOOD MENTAL SPACE TO HANDLE YOUR BAGGAGE BEFORE YOU DROP IT OFF!
I read somewhere that people who handle things really well on their own tend to attract people who see them as a safe dumping ground. Sometimes they are. And sometimes they end up so engulfed in the problems of others that they themselves start to fall apart.
Be whatever you want to be overshare, don’t overshare, story times, commentary whatever!!! We rock with you those of us who truly support you it’s ok to be a fine mix of it all.
First, you look so GOODT ❤Steph. Looking forward to this new era. My favourite content from you has always been you sharing your perspective. I have a sister around your age (we have an 11 year age gap) and your channel really helped me see some of her perspective without the emotional charge of a close relationship. Helped me relate to her more.
Oof, I've transitioned from the "Has Nothing Going On" friend to the "Always Going Through It" friend this past year, and in both eras, I was also the "You Can Tell Him Anything" friend. It's wild how I'm playing therapist with all these people in my life but when some out-of-the-blue back-to-back disasters hit me (transmission went bad, have 2 months to find somewhere to live, lost my job in the middle of the apartment-hunt from layoffs, my grandma actually is in the ICU rn and we're waiting on results) all I've gotten from those who I thought would be understanding are empty platitudes. If I hear one more "when one door closes!" when I have an actual countdown to pay rent... It'll be my 13th reason!!!
I’m literally going thru this now. Being on both sides, simultaneously. Hear me out. I’m dealing with THE HARDEST TIME OF MY LIFE, while trying to be there for a friend who is also goin thru her storm (tho her storm seems like a broken nail compared to mine) But I love that u said ITS NOT A TRAUMA COMPETITION. I just try to give her the floor to vent n I empathize as much as I can
For those that are fortunate to have that support from their family (partner, children and or parents ) you are blessed . But for those who have none listed , we sometimes heavily rely on outsiders aka our friends . Life happens so instead of us running and crying to our mom or dad or even sisters , we cry to you . The decision that we make don’t always lead to the best outcome, but we lack direction, we lack that loving parent or siblings to help guide us make that better decisions. If it’s too much to handle , leave the friendship early because the pain of you opting out , will feel like another lost and abandonment which causes the cycle of constantly just losing at life . But it’s better to just end the friendship early or distance yourself. Because that person will be very emotionally attached to you . This is why keeping to yourself is usually the best way to get through life , do not rely on anyone but yourself . Life is hard , everyone is battling some kind of demons. I live in solitude, I just rather not be judge because I don’t have a perfect life .
STEPH🩷 UR AUDIENCE LOVES WHAT U WANT TO SPEAK ABOUT PERIODDDDDD. SO GIVE US WHATEVER IT IS THAT UR INTERESTED IN TO SHARE. FORGET THE CRITICAL PPL. SO THE LOVES BLIND, WHAT PPL ARE TALKING ABOUT, OR UR STORY TIMES IF U SHARE. WE LOVE IT ALL. SENDING POSITIVE VIBES FROM CHITOWN.
I am going through a hurricane season right now. I unfortunately didn’t have a good experience with Support in the past, so because of that, I don’t necessarily seek out support and have kept everything to myself. I had a friend call me out recently about doing that, and I expressed to her my uncomfortability opening up because of how I felt unsupported and dismissed in the past so that is a trauma. I’m trying to work through while I’m still at work storms.
Man this video really resonated with me. Thank you so much for this. I wish I had a way to conceptualize this a few years ago. I’ve usually been the friend who offers support when it’s tough. And I really wish I put up better boundaries. I’d literally free myself to be available for phone calls at all hours of the day, constantly giving the same advice over and over. Being there to hear the trauma dumping from a certain friend. And just being used as the sounding board. Maybe this is just my experience, but at the time I was doing this, I thought this will make our friendship stronger. But tbh this friend and I don’t talk much anymore. And I feel quite distant from her. I have a couple other friends who, after getting what they need from me, have just dropped me as a friend with no explanation. I definitely wasn’t good at setting necessary boundaries for these friends. I’ve thought maybe they see me as being a part of their past when they were struggling and now they can’t be as close to me cuz it’s a trigger. I dunno. Now looking back, I wish I set better boundaries. Regardless of how the friendship would turn out, at least I could leave a little room for myself. It can be draining being there for someone literally all the time.
Do you have any advice for this. I broke up with my best friend for the same thing. I also worked a job for a half a year and everyone told me I was like a therapist to them. Some girl said she wanted to be my friend after I was there for her when she broke up with her boyfriend but as soon as I left that job she barely contacts me. I realized I was used again for therapy even though I’m not okay myself.
Mannn it's too real smh Honestly, I dunno if this advice can apply to everything but over the past few years, I've really had to choose myself over others. Like if someone is looking for advice from me, I make myself less available. So, it's like you can still give a small bit of help and then let them know in a subtle way that you feel this is as far as your knowledge goes and you don't want to overstep your ability to give them further advice. Sort of draw a boundary. You can even start off by saying you don't have anything to offer them in this situation, but you wish them the best and hope they are able to get through it - smth like that. It'll feel mean at first, but if you truly aren't in a place to help, then you're doing yourself the biggest favour. @@graycat7704
I have friends who I can ask for help and access from, no questions asked and vice versa. I think everyone needs that. I don't interrogate them, they don't interrogate me. We often find out sometimes years later what that emergency ask was for and sometimes to this day I do not know. In the moment you can struggle explaining yourself. If friendships are to last over a lifetime, you need a no questions asked friend. Life can be a lot sometimes.
I was the friend that had a friend who always had some issues. This past January we ended a 16 year friendship. I thought i was able to handle all of her lows and when she had wins i had to be her biggest cheerleader but i noticed i never got the chance to get the same or a portion of the support I extended. The last straw was i ended my naval career and i was going through alot of emotions and at the same time her aunt died sent her flowers. Then she was looking for a new job and she was trying to loose weight and her cousins were drunks and her other aunt died and now this was like Tam your mental health can’t take it. When i just stepped back for a sec she made a post on Facebook saying she appreciates those helping her through and i wasn’t even listed. She was a Pisces and i wont lie it was always a story line and i never felt any stability in our friendship really. I never had to reassure a friend as much as i did her that i loved her. Honestly I’m ok with loving her outside of a friendship and wishing her the best.
Have you ever had one of "those" seasons of life? Did you find it easy for your friends to support you? Or did your friendships suffer? Have you ever grown frustrated with someone while trying to support them? Did you go in with good intentions and then get pushed past your limit? Please share!
I unfortunately had to go through a lot of tough times alone because I had very emotionally needy friends I supported as much as I could but they monopolized our friendship with their issues. It was very draining.
Im in that season where when it rains it pours ive pretty much become a recluse because i dont want to be a debby downer. I just want great things for Me for once.
My closest friends and I have an understanding. If something is a 911 bombshell crisis, get in touch at any time (close death in the family, dire health diagnosis, etc.) There is always time and space for a bombshell. Other issues which are serious but not acute, check in and ask if the friend has bandwidth/time/space to talk, and then indicate if you need to vent, if you want advice, need encouragement/empathy, etc. It's worked wonderfully well, and this way we have the peace of mind to open up knowing that someone has the emotional space for us. And if at any time the conversation gets a bit much, there is space to say so with no judgment. I have one friend I have grown frustrated with, because she basically never can catch a break, but quite a bit of that is due to her own poor choices. So we don't talk nearly as frequently as we used to, but she is a genuinely kindhearted and thoughtful person and really helped me out a lot when I was younger, so I don't want to drop the friendship completely.
@@antoinettejohnson2188 I understand. But I also think it's important to seek out community and sources where you can talk to someone instead of just isolating. Those seasons are tough!
I’ve been in both situations. I’m mainly the supportive friend though. I’ve recently started to set boundaries with the “needy there-is-always-something-happening” friend. It became exhausting, primarily because we weren’t having fun. I listened, then they would do their thing. They would emotionally dump on me, then bounce. It started to negatively impact my self-esteem. So I cut those people off. I am in my 30’s and I’m still trying to figure out what a “friend” is. So when I’ve been the one going through it all, and on the RARE occasion that I share what is going on with me, I get negative, unhelpful feedback. Or the eye roll. So I don’t share. It’s lonely.
I really did like your personal storytimes. I have great admiration for your courage and vulnerability, and your experiences (especially in the dating space) made me feel seen. I admit to being an outlier in that I am not invested in what happens with celebrities all that much but will check it out if there is a lesson to be learned. I appreciate you and understanding if it is too trauma inducing to bring back the personal storytimes on this channel, but I am grateful for the many things I have learned about myself through your sharing.
Love this topic! In my experience, I have a pretty large bandwidth for my "hurricane" friends as long as they're checking in with me when the storm passes. I don't mind it being 20/80 (80/20?) for a bit as long as we get to take turns. If the storm never seems to end and they never ask how I am, then we have a problem 😅
I have been the friend that is going through it and I've also had friends that are going through it but I realize there are some friends whose problems could be resolved if they worked on themselves more and put effort. For example, I have a friend who complains how lonely he is an dhow he doesn't have money but he doesn't go out of his way to meet people and a lot of jobs I recommend him he doesn't take because he is afraid of what society thinks about him.
I’ve had many periods like this in my life, where it seem like it was out of my control, but bad luck was upon me. Please bring up astrology more because it definitely has a lot to do with this.
I’ve been on both sides of the situation. The first situation dealt with me dumping on one of my friends all the time. I was new to the area and was trying to figure things out. I didn’t have the self awareness to see he see was frustrated with my constant dumping. It got to the point where he just stopped talking to me. Not picking up the phone, or responding to text. That situation did hurt because outside of the things I had going on, I was willing to do anything for him or anyone I considered a friend. I also thought, if I was his friend he would tell me. Now that time has elapsed I’m dealing with one of my closest friends having things go on. From my experience I feel like it has allowed me to extend grace, BUT at the same time it is frustrating because all of the issues he is having are things I called out and told him to consider over a year ago (same thing my other friend probably thought about me). So at this point, if he calls, I’ll pick up if I have the mental capacity or schedule a time to talk so I won’t feel bombarded and in a space where I’m prepared to have a conversation and potentially say no if he is asking for money.
Steph I subscribed BECAUSE of your season 2 era of speaking on affairs on social media and reality tv. It would be a shame for people who enjoy your content to not see that… because a tiny number of people made a negative comment. People on the internet will always talk even if your content is literally just doing philanthropy and charity talk. You giving in to the negativity is actually what will upset the loyal side of your subscribers who love your opinions and love your content.
Hi Steph. This is one of my favourite videos from you. May the next year grant you with success on your content creation journey. I know what it feels like to put all your time and energy into your craft and feel like people just aren't receiving it the ways in which you would've hoped. Keep going either way you're doing amazing ⭐✨
Yes for the sketch Steph. ❤ I'm the friend who goes through it and I learned to go through it alone because if I'm tired of living it, it's understood people will get tired of hearing about it.
I found this video to be really helpful, thanks! I’ve been on both sides - been the friend/girlfriend who was taking on too much and always there for them and so unaware of my own capacity that I would burnout and then not even realize why, they left as soon as I asked for support back. On the flip, I’ve also had ‘going through it’ periods (in one now) and didn’t realize how much I had demanded from the friendship until it was too late. It gets difficult to say who was accountable bc the dynamics can change a lot from one friend to the next. Eg. You extend the courtesy of listening to one friend who’s going through it, then carry over that burden to another friend who becomes your emotional dumpster. It’s cyclic and hard to get out of. On top of that, people have different capacities to listen and absorb. I’ve started keeping my storms to myself but find that hiding parts of my life really prevents me from forming true connections. It’s just really tough to maintain adult female friendships.
This was a great topic.. Typically, I’m the go to person for counseling.. Life happens to all of us but we don’t all react the same.. When I find myself having a spell of “Murphy’s Law,” I withdraw and do a self reflection. When I’m in that space I just don’t want to project that energy onto someone else 🙂
I had the break off a friendship early this year because I was losing myself in it. The person kept hurting themselves and I wanted to be there for them but I would get ghosted and sometimes they would withheld info from me because they knew I would be disappointed in them. I gave them several chances but it was too much. I had almost lost my dad and they weren’t there for me because they were going through their own stuff and I felt very alone. We rely on each other for emotional support but then I realize that I was becoming too codependent on the relationship and that they didn’t have enough room for me in their lives. I cut it off and I feel a little guilty but I know I needed to do it.
Steph. I really do love it when you are you. ❤ The more personal videos are my absolute favourite. I cannot relate to you on experiences, but I love hearing you be you. ❤ Just be you, I would say. Thank you for the video.
So basically you’re getting rid of your best content… because some dummies jumped on you for spoiling the end of Love is blind? literally just issue a spoiler alert in the title like you already did! Easy. Your perspectives on reality tv shows are literally so unique and empathetic. You articulate thoughts I never knew I’d agree with. And your stories! are you kidding me? They’re relatable. I’ve never heard a woman struggle as much with dating as I have and they gave me so much comfort to hear I’m not alone. I think the embarrassment you feel is keeping you from expressing your truth. Please keep them on the channel I connect so much with them
Absolutely love your channel! I'm so excited for Season 3 StephCo, because your honestly and sharing your experiences is so relatable and makes me feel seen. Man, this video...i have been the friend on the phone for someone going through it and I have BEEN the friend who is going through it. I haven't seen a video like this before, so it's nice to see this being talked about.
Regardless of the topic, I enjoy your vantage point, your analysis...your mind and heart, sis! Whatever it is, share cuz you wanna cuz we'll join in. :)
Great topic- and you are so right! I had a friendship breakup after I wasn’t as sensitive to what a friend at the time was going through- this friend mentioned how the maintenance man came into her apartment to fix something washed his hands and used her paper towels I guess without asking- she called to vent about this and I just went off- like how dare she call to talk to me about something so minimal in my opinion but now thinking about it maybe that was triggering for her but when I went off things weren’t the same- I was stressed with work at the time myself so maybe if I hadn’t been going thru what I was going thru I could have engaged more but I felt her issue wasn’t nothing compared to my job related stress, so that’s why this topic was so interesting to hear
I think this is my problem with friends who are always going through stuff. Like yes things are bad but you don’t EVER have anything to be thankful for? Or ask me how I’m doing? It’s just always me pouring out now I’m empty. Un un
Excellent video Steph! Season 3 is off to a great start, "I've reached my limit with this." is definitely being added to my response list. This conversation was enlightening for me, thanks
Love you girl. I do want to say that if you base your content on what others will approve of, you’ll run out of videos to make and lose your individuality. Your takes are just that, YOUR takes. Some will like it, some will not. I personally love your content and appreciate your views.
You look GODT! Eyebrows looks so nice. And so does the eyelashes. Looking super gorgeous. Girl, you could talk about paint drying and I would watch. I enjoy hearing your point of view and getting content from you. Update more!♥️❤️
Really appreciate you broaching this topic and sharing your experience as the friend on both sides of the phone so to speak. Thank you for the thoughtful discussion!
If it makes you feel better, hopeless romantic society is very much a thing! So you're definitely not the only person (or the worst) to "share too much" On a side note, that lady that fired you should have been reported
I try very hard to be a good friend but I suffer from depression and it causes me anxiety and further depression if I become overwhelmed with a friend who’s maté constantly hurts her, her children constantly hurts her and she struggles with sobriety. I want to be a good friend but I have to take care of myself too. Trauma dumping every time we speak is hard because I am very empathetic. Her problems hurt me (a man hurting her) and days later they’ve made up and I’m still thinking how horribly he treated her.
Step i just enjoy hearing your perspective on everything. You are one of the few commentators that really seem to think before hitting record. An idea that i think you would be great in is review celebrity books. Maybe a "i read it so you don't have to" or " i read it, liked it, and you should too"
My life has been a huge shit storm for 5 years now. I'm even at a point where I'm tired of always crying to my friends and family. I will only reach out if i feel like I'm truly gonna die lol otherwise i'll just go through it by myself because i feel like a burden at this point and also there's not much they can do to help other than offering emotional support.
The first 100 people to download Endel by clicking the link or scanning the QR code will get a free week of audio experiences!
bit.ly/OhStephco
Hey Steph, personally I loved anything you do, just had to let you know!!!
@@acceptinglife6491😅I
Stephanie, I don’t think you realize that your audience really doesn’t care what you do or say on here. The real supporters just like hearing you talk. I actually really enjoyed season one because it was raw. It was real and it was authentic. Glad to see that it seems like season three would be similar.
Yes. Similar, but not the same...that is the goal. Also, I there's so much more to discuss!
Ditto ❤❤❤❤
Exactly! Really enjoy hearing Stephanie talk it feels like catching up with a friend
Yeah I really just clicked on this cause she posted and I enjoy listening to her, I’ve just finished work and this for me is the best to do/listen to didn’t even read the title.
FACE IS BEAT HUNTYYY
In my experience, if you’re always going through it, people tend to blame YOU, even if the situations are very clearly out of your control. But because they’ve been blessed to be in a position where they’re not constantly fighting battles, they assume that your situations must be your own fault. People don’t tend to have a lot of sympathy for those going through a hard time. Look at how the homeless are treated.
It’s the reason why I stay away from people when I’m going through things. I often hear people complain about friends who are always going through a battle. But I think to myself… “If you’re tired of simply HEARING about it, imagine how THEY feel having to constantly be GOING through it.” People should be grateful that that’s not their journey in this lifetime and learn to have a bit more empathy. But until then, I will remain in my bubble when things are tough.
thank you for this. needed this reminder to continue to practice empathy and gratitude for myself and others.
@@1234567starfish Glad it helped you. And kudos to you for being self-aware ❤️
I hear and understand everything you’ve said and for the most part, I agree. What I don’t think the person going through it takes into consideration is the transference of their problems onto their friends. Especially if they have very empathetic friends who really wants to help “fix it”. The toll and drain that takes over time is exhausting. Those types of friends rarely consider what you may be going through, and yet you still try to help. The friendship begins to feel very one sided.
Yes. @@deontaer (I say this as someone who has been in and perpetuated one sided friendships)
@@deontaer I can understand your side of things as well. I think it’s just an unfortunate circumstance bc the person going through it doesn’t have any control over what life is putting them through, but I can see why it would make the friend feel drained as well. Taking all of that into account, it’s another reason why I, as the person going through it, usually just choose to isolate myself.
As a person on the receiving end, the friend that always gets called to get trauma dumped on, please, for the love of God, vent to a therapist! I am the type of person to go away and weather the storm then emerge only after I am in a better state. I don’t need to unload on my friends about problems they can’t solve. If it is a financial matter, I ask someone who is financially able to help me lend me the money and thats that. The ones that are not able to help me don’t need to know anything. I promise you, half of the people listening to your problems really don’t care and the other half are happy that you have them.
My issue with these type of people is that they seem to often take the support you give them for granted. The help is never enough. They don’t show up in the same way when you’re going through it. Or they seem to forget that the basis of the friendship isn’t just you supporting them. They’ll go to others to have fun and only remember you when it’s time to vent. I’m so bored of it, I hate that I’ve become quite cold but I’ve been worn down.
This comment right here💯💯💯
Facts!!💯💯💯
Yes! I had a mutual friend who NEVER even asked me about how I was doing. She got so used to me sitting and listening. I old her how I felt and she apologized saying she would change. 3 conversations later, she was back at it. I ended the friendship
Omg, you said it right that is exactly where I am right now with a friend that I'm choosing to walk away from.
@@whoome1638I wish I would have walked away early like you did. I spent years begging to be treated right smh
Girl there’s no need to keep “restructuring” your content. It’s okay to not be everyone’s cup of tea, you’ll attract the audience you’re meant to. Lots of UA-camrs! Lots of options!
Steph, people on the internet are ALWAYS angry lol. There’s nothing you can do that won’t piss someone off. I can say your authenticity and relatability in the height of the “femininity era” was refreshing. Seeing a woman in her thirties being honest about not having it all figured out was validating because everybody on the internet now wants to be a guru, a coach, or an analyst.. sometimes it nice to just see a person being a person.
Agree
No seriously! As a 21 year old who’s currently in that spot AND figuring myself out, finding Steph here on UA-cam was a blessing. She helped me get the idea that “I have time” stuck in my head. I don’t have to rush anymore. Her channel was stress relief for me.
this
When I would talk about my friends, my dad would always joke “do you know any normal people-why are your people always going through something?!”
One day my mom said about it that “everyone is going through things, they’re just comfortable enough with you to tell you”. And that’s how I choose to see it! Yes, some people seem to be going through “too much”. Yes, I get annoyed sometimes that they throw it on me. but I’m just grateful that they tell me-I’ll never have to wonder if they’re ok -I *know they’re not 😂
My Mom says this!!! I have quite a few neurodivergent and frankly poor and queer friends. Wouldn't trade them for the world but life is just harder for some folks
As someone who’s parents are addicts and been on my own since 15 I tend to be the friend that’s “always going through it” but what people need to realize is their blessings like being able to have family support or people to rely on and fall back on. A lot of people including me don’t have that so we have to do EVERYTHING ourselves and it’s insensitive to think that these people are trouble or to distance yourself from those types of people sending us further into isolation.
I think when you are that person, the people you truly need will be there. This video is more like a guideline for assessing a situation before extending support. There are people who will be able to answer "Yes!" for every scenario I presented here, those are your people. If anyone sees what you're going through, self assesses, and decides they are not fit to support you in those times, let them go. Community will come in other ways. I speak from my own experience, and from watching what's happened to others, when I am no longer able to be there for them, or them for me.
True I do get that having a supportive family & money have lessened my problems by half.
YES. I don't have that extended village for support and only a few people to rely on, so I do have to do everything myself. It's tiring and needing a helping hand once in a while only to not get that help is frustrating sometimes. I have been fortunate that life has been more stable since last year, but at this time, that I need even a bit of assistance, it's tough.
It's the same for me. I just have my children and 2 friends both of them live in different states.
I'm also a disabled person who's high functioning so that adds another layer of difficulty because usually what people suggest I'm already doing or have tried.
People tend to have to go "above and beyond" their normal efforts to help me and most don't want the added work and hassle.
I get it. I truly do. I really don't want to deal with those types of people anyway.
The problem is MOST people are like that while simultaneously wanting you to do the most for them...
Also, I run into a lot of people who like to play the struggle olympics with me over who has it worse or is busiest.
Sigh... It all adds an extra layer of fatigue I can easily live without.
Now I do my best to be better prepared and only ask for help when I absolutely need it.
It's sad in a way though because I can tell people want to be close to me, but I know they won't be able to handle what I go through so I don't engage.
Also, I used to be the kind of person that always tried to help others and never got it back. Now, I've become more selfish and guarded.
If I don't believe I'll get as much effort and assistance as I put out, I won't do anything.
Everyone has the power to take control over their own life. Some lack the skills but most don’t want their problems solved in order to feed their victim narrative. They not only want you to solve it, they want you to fix it. I’ve given enough free advice to the point where I could write a book. I’m not that friend anymore and I’m pretty proud of myself for that. Everyone needs to be selfish once in a while.
I finally had to let my friend that’s “always going through it” go for my own peace of mind. I just couldn’t constantly be the voice of reason, the therapist, the relationship coach, the life coach, the job recruiter and providing references every other month…IT WAS TOO MUCH. She was an otherwise nice person, but every time she called there was a problem, and it never dawned on her that SHE was the problem. it was always the devil 🙄
I’ve let 2 friends like that go and I have no regrets.
Sounds like my old friends. The part that drove me the craziest was that they never noticed that they dominated conversations and hardly ever asked about my life. It was a very one sided relationship.
I’m okay with friends who are going thru it as long as they are taking steps to solve some of their problems. I can still support them if they take a more positive approach to their situations and joke around about it. Nobody wants to be around someone who is constantly in a bad mood.
I’m thinking I need to do the same with a certain “friend” of mine too
That's the problem, after a while you become suffocated, it's too much, you're also exposing yourself and absorbing all that chaos, it's unhealthy
My friend who's always going thru it tends to hibernate. I miss hanging out with her, she tends to self-isolate often. She also super busy at the same time and i dont get too upset when she flakes out of plans because I get it. I dont make large or expensive plans with her but I definitely stay in touch. It's gotta be hard especially since I know a lot of the mental/physical health struggles she's dealing with
👍
Going through cancer is one of those times. The people I leaned on, thank God, were there for me. And now I have been able to be there for them. Chances go 'round...
This is ideal.
Hi Stephanie 👋🏾, I was reading a comment where you said you don’t want to embarrass yourself by over sharing. You should do something where people can share their stories Anonymously and you can read those and give your own opinions!
I miss your personal stories but totally understand. ❤
Yeeeessss! Great idea!
@@l.gibson6422And she can mix in her own personal stories while still having separation from them.
Love this idea!!!! Best of both worlds, fun stories and great advice 👍
I like this idea!
This is a good idea!!
There are individuals that are trained and compensated to assist with trauma. Let's normalize not expecting our friends or family to be those individuals and extending grace because they can't make space for anyone's circumstances. Ase' ❤
I have learned when going through anything to isolate and DND. I don’t even bother being vulnerable with people anymore. I will always hold space for others when they are going through a tough time but I prefer not to for myself. It only takes me one time to learn my lesson.
I was the friend that always played the supportive role. I guess it was easy for me as I was the oldest and just never was the type to want to “burden” anyone with my issues. I had a gf who was constantly calling me when she was going through something and I would consistently be there for support. My mother noticed I was constantly in therapy mode, and asked me why I always spent so much time always taking on her issues. I didn't see it as a problem for me at the time. However, when my amazing mom passed (RIP my angel) and that same friend was nowhere to be found it definelty changed my perspective. I no longer tolerate one sided friendships or emotional vampires. I watch how people move and if they are not matching my energy then boundaries are enforced. Now I have more peace and a better balance in relationships.
I’ve head a friend who constantly put herself is insane situations 9/10 involving incredibly obviously terrible men. It was EXTREMELY draining tbh and she sucked at emotional regulation. I unfortunately had to drop them because I really couldn’t be on call for her constant insanity. I thought it was a “season” but it was just who she is as a person.
Same here. I feel guilty because I felt like I left her behind but I told her what she needed to work on several times.
As someone who's had to fight through life and fight for things that come naturally to other people, I've become very emotionally independent. I have a great support system, but I've learnt that they wont always get it because their life is not set up like mine. So I choose which battles I share and which I keep to myself. Someone may know that I am struggling with one thing and support me through that, but not know that I am in a literal storm of situations that are beyond my control. I've learnt to carry myself through the storms. It took me a while to realise that people don't struggle as much. I also learnt that people think everything is somehow my fault and I can't blame them because I'd think the same if I was on the other side of my life experience. With all that said, I am truly grateful for the support I do receive. I am also grateful for spiritual growth and my connection to my ancestors, it has changed the way I experience, understand and live my life.
As the friend that sometimes gets the call. I just listen. If I'm asked my take I tried to provide advice if I have any to add. Sometimes I don't and will just try to lift their spirits.
This video is so needed!!! So many times friends will trauma dump and then when things are good for them and you need to vent, they have little to no grace. I think it’s important to remember how your friend was there for you when things were going wrong because unfortunately when it rains it pours and no one wants to feel like they have a cap on sharing what is happening in their life…good or bad!
Yes, It’s good to recognize that our friends shouldn’t be used as our therapist’s. Perhaps if we are noticing that we are in need of a lot of emotional support-it may be a good time to get some therapy so that your friends are not becoming overwhelmed . Not everybody’s nervous system is set up to deal with so much grief. I’ve definitely been the friend that disappeared for a season . Not proud-but I realized in hindsight that I didn’t have the emotional resources to cope with their situation in addition to my own.
I had a very close friend, that was always going through something chaotic. I was giving her so much of my energy that I was stressed and even venting to my other friends about it. After a while just felt like a one sided friendship and I broke up with her. We were friends since high school and she took it very very hard
I think ease of access, i.e. texting, makes this issue far too common. The friend who's always going through something isn't inherently problematic. Rather, it's when they lack the ability to self-soothe that it starts to feel like the supportive friend is being dumped on. There are no boundaries and that's a never a good thing in any type of relationship.
I have been in the hurricane period where I was vulnerable and heard many nos. What helped me was spending time helping my community. I took a sexual assault course and became a crisis volunteer. My life was in crisis but yet I was whole. it taught me to release control and let the storm pass.
Some people are drawn to chaos/chaos is drawn to them. I stay away from those types.
It’s tough bc you want to be there, but I’ve definitely stopped calling/coming around someone bc their chaos was too much for me. And ppl have done it to me too. It’s hurt when that’s been the case, but I get it.
This
Whenever I go through a "hurricane" period, I'm the type that retreats into myself because (for multiple reasons), I never thought relying on others was an option. It's not a good way to deal with turbulent times, lol, but it's generally how I have dealt with them. I take it on myself and basically disappear from other peoples lilves.
It’s warned against, because there’s always that time someone retreats to take something on, and they never emerge again. Some things are too big for one person. In a “hurricane”, have someone that expects to hear from you daily.
This one is so timely for me! I have a friend that has been down for a while now (few years). She used to complain but now days she just has nothing positive to say and it’s DRAININGGGGG. I’m always at a point where I can hardly talk to her anymore because she has a negative outlook on everything. When she’s not doing that, she’s comparing herself to others, which I think makes her feel better…. It’s tough because you don’t want to lose a friend who may really need you.
I’ve had that “always going through it” friend, but the main problem was that the friendship started to feel like me being a cheerleader instead of a friend.
I would always worry about stressing my friend out any further than they already were. So when I had down moments I wanted to talk about (moments that weren’t as bad as theirs) I felt like I couldn’t be open to them about it. Even when I did try to talk, they were so distracted that everything I went got forgotten or ignored.
It was just unsustainable after a while. Supporters need support as well.
I relish your mind Steph, what a great topic. I was the friend in crisis this year. I lost my mom, amongst other catástrophes. I pulled back from sharing every detail of every ache with my closest friend because I personally felt like I would be too draining. I also was apolagetic to friends for my inability to hold space for whatever they were going through. I was drowning in my own sorrow; I didnt want to pull anyone down with me or sink faster with them. I truly believe my choice, as alienating as it was(is), preserved friendships. There was no snapping on either end❤ cause I really think I could have snapped a few times with " girl my mothet DIEDDDDD, get over that clown" 😂. Never happened, loved that for us.
I think that therapy in these moments in so important. There are so many relationships in my life that would have been preserved if I didn't JUST isolate in these moments, but I also sought out professional counsel (sometimes I did, but not consistently!) that way I would be able to talk through my emotions without also damaging my relationships. Especially when the people around me couldn't relate.
@OhStephco Access to professional help for most in my country (South Africa), is almost near impossible because of affordability. Forgive me if I'm opening up old wounds, but I never knew there was such a thing called pretty privilege until I came across one of your videos when I was doing research about why dark skin babies are less likely to be adopted. Your ability to self reflect has enlightened many and encouraged us to pull out those mirrors. I know the internet can be a cruel place but I wanted to say thank you for your bravery.
This video was made for me because I had to recently stop being friends with a girl who would constantly dump on me & it was so bad that after a while, I would have to tell her point blank what it was, she would purposely act 'slow' to gain my sympathy 🙄
It's really hard to view someone as a peer when you're constantly trying to mentor them over things that should be common sense to most & mind you, she was older than me.... so when I go through things, I have a tendency to sit with it long enough so I can figure it out for myself because they last thing I want to do is to become that person that ALWAYS has the problems 💯
Yes! And on the flip side, if someone is always mentoring you...you begin to feel like they aren't your peer. And question the basis of the friendship.
I don’t have friends. So I just push through it.
Don't feel bad I haven't had friends since the 6th grade.
I say this with love and kindness in my heart as I really enjoy all your content and respect you as a creator so I hope you will take it as such, imo you're too hard on yourself. It seems like you keep changing how you feel about your content after the fact. I dont know if it's insecurity or perfectionism or shame or self doubt but I just want to tell you, I think youre a great creator exactly as you are. I hope you know so many people (myself included) feel like we are chatting with a big sister or best friend when we watch you (yeah yeah I know parasocial relationships are bad). The variety in content is fun. I even watch your videos on topics I'm not really interested in. That speaks to your ability to make just about anything interesting and engaging.
I just hope you are changing and adapting from a place of positivity and not due to any type of negative self doubt. To quote the one and only PMK, you're doing great sweetie 🙌🏽💛
I love this . Its really hard trying to find that balance in friendship.
I don’t do truama dumping, which is usually hidden behind ‘drama’.
It’s a fake form of bonding that gives a perceived sense of closeness that’s not really there. I think sometimes fully black girls & women put too much emotional pressure on their girlfriends and hold them to this ridiculously high friendship standard when they should be going to therapy.
All of my (8) girlfriends have earned the right to call me at 2:00am to move a body.
My friend’s exhusband (we got married at the same time) who went after her financially, my other newly married pregnant friend calling me in the middle of the night in tears worried about the health of her pregnancy. My single friend bursting into tears because her baby daddy refused REFUSED to marry her, but met a really beautiful black girl and proposed, had a big wedding, brought her a house and that lady is now a SAHW. That’s the life SHE wanted - the heart break in her voice wondering if she fumbled the bag OR just was not thee ONE. Both were true.
Your drama too ME, seems manufactured and like adulting issues. They’re real to YOU and you can tell them to me over brunch, or dinner, at the gym as funny, but stressful antidotes.
But you better not call me at 2am and expect me to get out of my bed unless you’re my bestie in the Westie. Know your friendship position - they’re levels to this.
THIS hair looks SOOO good on you!😍 And the lip color??😲🤌
There's another side of the coin. When you have that friend that always has something going on, when it's their time to step up are they receptive? I've notice that since their life is always a 'battlefield', my little "oh, i can't take this job anymore" issue just seems like nothing to them. I almost feel as if talking to my more high drama friends is some sort of disrespect compared to their issues. Yes, they play along, but you can always see that slight smirk of "this is nothing compared to all I've been through" while you're talking.
I have high seasons and lows seasons but ultimately, I know I am blessed because what others go through, I do not have the tolerance to endure. But them low seasons sometimes seem to last for months and years. What helps me, is to find a new goal to focus on and the things I can control and hope for the best. ❤
My mom struggles with chronic illness and I’ve watched firsthand how people have left her life time and time again because she’s always going through something. It’s heartbreaking because sometimes there really are circumstances that you CANNOT control.
Oh my gosh season 3 is off to a great start. I saw somewhere the other day a similar discussion from a younger group and one comment was, I can’t believe the girl said to her friend I’m not your therapist as a response to the, reaching out for support. The amount of people who said that was ok you need to put your own mental health first, seemed to not have the tools to communicate compassionately. This conversation your having about what someone should do, it’s important. And in this “economy”, so relevant.
Receiving this message!
“Pain is not a competition, it is not comparative”
Speaking truth to power. Thats why no matter what you talk about, I tune in
This is a tough one! I've been on both sides of this conversion. In my experience, it helped me to know that different people have different "supporting abilities", and some are better in, like, emotional support than others. I also try to have healthy and balanced boundaries between myself and others. And I'm trying to be close to people who share similar problems in life; like, when I tell about my autistic difficulties to my (autistic) boyfriend, he just ✨️gets it✨️and I don't even need to explain all the details 🤔
I’m always going through it…at least this year I have been. Dealing with a lot of situations that were out of my control. But instead of complaining and dumping on the people around me, I just deal with it by myself in silence. I don’t trust anyone enough to open up to… besides my therapist.
Saving to listen to later. Because I’m the friend who’s always going through it… with three kids and a husband, my lifestyle looks a ton different than those within my friend group. So with three kids, someone is always sick, I have a super busy hard working husbae, a lot falls on me and I’m always busy… did I mention that I have a high needs child and a special needs child? lol my dynamic is not for the weak! I dump a lot! And have pulled back since the realization and actually just self manage and talk about my load with my husband, our counselor and my therapist.
*Compassion Fatigue-T.D. Jakes. I understand we all go through pressure to become diamonds. However, there are people who consistently place themselves in situations for attention.*
As a friend that is “always going through it” I have learned that it is important to understand what friend can tolerate the heaviness of what is happening. Reading the room is super important. I liked that you highlighted the importance of being transparent about what you can handle. And that we all will go through something.
Great conversation! It’s a great reminder that friendships are layered and complex and require accountability
Great point I have been on both ends but I was always the friend that never burdened my friends with my problems I would hold them in and rely on God. But I attracted friends that would use me as a dumping ground. To release horrible information make themselves feel better and leave emotionally depleted. I finally put a stop to it yea I might have only one good friend. BUT THE PEACE IS EVERYTHING. I LOVE MY FRIENDS AND WILL BE THERE FOR THEM BUT WITH BOUNDARIES. MAKE SURE YOUR FRIENDS ARE IN A GOOD MENTAL SPACE TO HANDLE YOUR BAGGAGE BEFORE YOU DROP IT OFF!
I read somewhere that people who handle things really well on their own tend to attract people who see them as a safe dumping ground. Sometimes they are. And sometimes they end up so engulfed in the problems of others that they themselves start to fall apart.
You really have a gift of storytelling, Steph. I enjoy your stories.
Be whatever you want to be overshare, don’t overshare, story times, commentary whatever!!! We rock with you those of us who truly support you it’s ok to be a fine mix of it all.
This crazy!!!! I was just talking about being that friend, I'm currently suffering from compassion fatigue
This this this.
First, you look so GOODT ❤Steph. Looking forward to this new era. My favourite content from you has always been you sharing your perspective. I have a sister around your age (we have an 11 year age gap) and your channel really helped me see some of her perspective without the emotional charge of a close relationship. Helped me relate to her more.
she really does look amazing. the lip color is giving
Oof, I've transitioned from the "Has Nothing Going On" friend to the "Always Going Through It" friend this past year, and in both eras, I was also the "You Can Tell Him Anything" friend. It's wild how I'm playing therapist with all these people in my life but when some out-of-the-blue back-to-back disasters hit me (transmission went bad, have 2 months to find somewhere to live, lost my job in the middle of the apartment-hunt from layoffs, my grandma actually is in the ICU rn and we're waiting on results) all I've gotten from those who I thought would be understanding are empty platitudes. If I hear one more "when one door closes!" when I have an actual countdown to pay rent... It'll be my 13th reason!!!
Omg thank you if I hear one more this too shall pass I’m going to scream
Girl… I love you. Don’t read into these haters. Stop trying to defend yourself against them and just make what you like. Periodt
I’m literally going thru this now. Being on both sides, simultaneously. Hear me out. I’m dealing with THE HARDEST TIME OF MY LIFE, while trying to be there for a friend who is also goin thru her storm (tho her storm seems like a broken nail compared to mine) But I love that u said ITS NOT A TRAUMA COMPETITION. I just try to give her the floor to vent n I empathize as much as I can
I have a friend like this and it's EXHAUSTING, especially most of it was their own accord. I keep them at a distance for this reason
For those that are fortunate to have that support from their family (partner, children and or parents ) you are blessed .
But for those who have none listed , we sometimes heavily rely on outsiders aka our friends . Life happens so instead of us running and crying to our mom or dad or even sisters , we cry to you . The decision that we make don’t always lead to the best outcome, but we lack direction, we lack that loving parent or siblings to help guide us make that better decisions. If it’s too much to handle , leave the friendship early because the pain of you opting out , will feel like another lost and abandonment which causes the cycle of constantly just losing at life . But it’s better to just end the friendship early or distance yourself. Because that person will be very emotionally attached to you .
This is why keeping to yourself is usually the best way to get through life , do not rely on anyone but yourself . Life is hard , everyone is battling some kind of demons. I live in solitude, I just rather not be judge because I don’t have a perfect life .
STEPH🩷 UR AUDIENCE LOVES WHAT U WANT TO SPEAK ABOUT PERIODDDDDD. SO GIVE US WHATEVER IT IS THAT UR INTERESTED IN TO SHARE. FORGET THE CRITICAL PPL. SO THE LOVES BLIND, WHAT PPL ARE TALKING ABOUT, OR UR STORY TIMES IF U SHARE. WE LOVE IT ALL. SENDING POSITIVE VIBES FROM CHITOWN.
I am going through a hurricane season right now. I unfortunately didn’t have a good experience with Support in the past, so because of that, I don’t necessarily seek out support and have kept everything to myself. I had a friend call me out recently about doing that, and I expressed to her my uncomfortability opening up because of how I felt unsupported and dismissed in the past so that is a trauma. I’m trying to work through while I’m still at work storms.
Man this video really resonated with me. Thank you so much for this. I wish I had a way to conceptualize this a few years ago. I’ve usually been the friend who offers support when it’s tough. And I really wish I put up better boundaries. I’d literally free myself to be available for phone calls at all hours of the day, constantly giving the same advice over and over. Being there to hear the trauma dumping from a certain friend. And just being used as the sounding board. Maybe this is just my experience, but at the time I was doing this, I thought this will make our friendship stronger. But tbh this friend and I don’t talk much anymore. And I feel quite distant from her. I have a couple other friends who, after getting what they need from me, have just dropped me as a friend with no explanation. I definitely wasn’t good at setting necessary boundaries for these friends. I’ve thought maybe they see me as being a part of their past when they were struggling and now they can’t be as close to me cuz it’s a trigger. I dunno. Now looking back, I wish I set better boundaries. Regardless of how the friendship would turn out, at least I could leave a little room for myself. It can be draining being there for someone literally all the time.
Do you have any advice for this. I broke up with my best friend for the same thing. I also worked a job for a half a year and everyone told me I was like a therapist to them. Some girl said she wanted to be my friend after I was there for her when she broke up with her boyfriend but as soon as I left that job she barely contacts me. I realized I was used again for therapy even though I’m not okay myself.
Mannn it's too real smh Honestly, I dunno if this advice can apply to everything but over the past few years, I've really had to choose myself over others. Like if someone is looking for advice from me, I make myself less available. So, it's like you can still give a small bit of help and then let them know in a subtle way that you feel this is as far as your knowledge goes and you don't want to overstep your ability to give them further advice. Sort of draw a boundary. You can even start off by saying you don't have anything to offer them in this situation, but you wish them the best and hope they are able to get through it - smth like that. It'll feel mean at first, but if you truly aren't in a place to help, then you're doing yourself the biggest favour. @@graycat7704
I have friends who I can ask for help and access from, no questions asked and vice versa. I think everyone needs that. I don't interrogate them, they don't interrogate me. We often find out sometimes years later what that emergency ask was for and sometimes to this day I do not know. In the moment you can struggle explaining yourself. If friendships are to last over a lifetime, you need a no questions asked friend. Life can be a lot sometimes.
Yes. i don't know that I have a "no questions asked" friend in my life.
Great topic! Makes me want to share with my bestie and discuss how we can show up better for each other. ❤
I was the friend that had a friend who always had some issues. This past January we ended a 16 year friendship. I thought i was able to handle all of her lows and when she had wins i had to be her biggest cheerleader but i noticed i never got the chance to get the same or a portion of the support I extended. The last straw was i ended my naval career and i was going through alot of emotions and at the same time her aunt died sent her flowers. Then she was looking for a new job and she was trying to loose weight and her cousins were drunks and her other aunt died and now this was like Tam your mental health can’t take it. When i just stepped back for a sec she made a post on Facebook saying she appreciates those helping her through and i wasn’t even listed. She was a Pisces and i wont lie it was always a story line and i never felt any stability in our friendship really. I never had to reassure a friend as much as i did her that i loved her. Honestly I’m ok with loving her outside of a friendship and wishing her the best.
Have you ever had one of "those" seasons of life? Did you find it easy for your friends to support you? Or did your friendships suffer? Have you ever grown frustrated with someone while trying to support them? Did you go in with good intentions and then get pushed past your limit? Please share!
My friendship’s definitely suffered, currently friendless.
I unfortunately had to go through a lot of tough times alone because I had very emotionally needy friends I supported as much as I could but they monopolized our friendship with their issues. It was very draining.
Im in that season where when it rains it pours ive pretty much become a recluse because i dont want to be a debby downer. I just want great things for Me for once.
My closest friends and I have an understanding. If something is a 911 bombshell crisis, get in touch at any time (close death in the family, dire health diagnosis, etc.) There is always time and space for a bombshell.
Other issues which are serious but not acute, check in and ask if the friend has bandwidth/time/space to talk, and then indicate if you need to vent, if you want advice, need encouragement/empathy, etc. It's worked wonderfully well, and this way we have the peace of mind to open up knowing that someone has the emotional space for us. And if at any time the conversation gets a bit much, there is space to say so with no judgment.
I have one friend I have grown frustrated with, because she basically never can catch a break, but quite a bit of that is due to her own poor choices. So we don't talk nearly as frequently as we used to, but she is a genuinely kindhearted and thoughtful person and really helped me out a lot when I was younger, so I don't want to drop the friendship completely.
@@antoinettejohnson2188 I understand. But I also think it's important to seek out community and sources where you can talk to someone instead of just isolating. Those seasons are tough!
I’ve been in both situations. I’m mainly the supportive friend though. I’ve recently started to set boundaries with the “needy there-is-always-something-happening” friend. It became exhausting, primarily because we weren’t having fun. I listened, then they would do their thing. They would emotionally dump on me, then bounce. It started to negatively impact my self-esteem. So I cut those people off. I am in my 30’s and I’m still trying to figure out what a “friend” is. So when I’ve been the one going through it all, and on the RARE occasion that I share what is going on with me, I get negative, unhelpful feedback. Or the eye roll. So I don’t share. It’s lonely.
I really did like your personal storytimes. I have great admiration for your courage and vulnerability, and your experiences (especially in the dating space) made me feel seen. I admit to being an outlier in that I am not invested in what happens with celebrities all that much but will check it out if there is a lesson to be learned. I appreciate you and understanding if it is too trauma inducing to bring back the personal storytimes on this channel, but I am grateful for the many things I have learned about myself through your sharing.
Love this topic! In my experience, I have a pretty large bandwidth for my "hurricane" friends as long as they're checking in with me when the storm passes.
I don't mind it being 20/80 (80/20?) for a bit as long as we get to take turns.
If the storm never seems to end and they never ask how I am, then we have a problem 😅
I miss your stories they were awesome. Keep up the good work.
I have been the friend that is going through it and I've also had friends that are going through it but I realize there are some friends whose problems could be resolved if they worked on themselves more and put effort. For example, I have a friend who complains how lonely he is an dhow he doesn't have money but he doesn't go out of his way to meet people and a lot of jobs I recommend him he doesn't take because he is afraid of what society thinks about him.
This hair on you is everything! You look so beautiful ❤❤❤
I’ve had many periods like this in my life, where it seem like it was out of my control, but bad luck was upon me. Please bring up astrology more because it definitely has a lot to do with this.
transits!!!! When I discovered transits I was like..."Oh"
I’ve been on both sides of the situation. The first situation dealt with me dumping on one of my friends all the time. I was new to the area and was trying to figure things out. I didn’t have the self awareness to see he see was frustrated with my constant dumping. It got to the point where he just stopped talking to me. Not picking up the phone, or responding to text. That situation did hurt because outside of the things I had going on, I was willing to do anything for him or anyone I considered a friend. I also thought, if I was his friend he would tell me.
Now that time has elapsed I’m dealing with one of my closest friends having things go on. From my experience I feel like it has allowed me to extend grace, BUT at the same time it is frustrating because all of the issues he is having are things I called out and told him to consider over a year ago (same thing my other friend probably thought about me). So at this point, if he calls, I’ll pick up if I have the mental capacity or schedule a time to talk so I won’t feel bombarded and in a space where I’m prepared to have a conversation and potentially say no if he is asking for money.
Oh, this sounds like a good conversation! Can’t wait!!!
Steph I subscribed BECAUSE of your season 2 era of speaking on affairs on social media and reality tv. It would be a shame for people who enjoy your content to not see that… because a tiny number of people made a negative comment. People on the internet will always talk even if your content is literally just doing philanthropy and charity talk.
You giving in to the negativity is actually what will upset the loyal side of your subscribers who love your opinions and love your content.
Hi Steph. This is one of my favourite videos from you. May the next year grant you with success on your content creation journey. I know what it feels like to put all your time and energy into your craft and feel like people just aren't receiving it the ways in which you would've hoped.
Keep going either way you're doing amazing ⭐✨
Yes for the sketch Steph. ❤ I'm the friend who goes through it and I learned to go through it alone because if I'm tired of living it, it's understood people will get tired of hearing about it.
I found this video to be really helpful, thanks! I’ve been on both sides - been the friend/girlfriend who was taking on too much and always there for them and so unaware of my own capacity that I would burnout and then not even realize why, they left as soon as I asked for support back. On the flip, I’ve also had ‘going through it’ periods (in one now) and didn’t realize how much I had demanded from the friendship until it was too late. It gets difficult to say who was accountable bc the dynamics can change a lot from one friend to the next. Eg. You extend the courtesy of listening to one friend who’s going through it, then carry over that burden to another friend who becomes your emotional dumpster. It’s cyclic and hard to get out of. On top of that, people have different capacities to listen and absorb. I’ve started keeping my storms to myself but find that hiding parts of my life really prevents me from forming true connections. It’s just really tough to maintain adult female friendships.
Who cares what others think!! Lean into your supportive supporter we are here and are never leaving ❤❤
You look gorgeous steph! Love the glow! We will support you no matter what content you do. We got your back!
This was a great topic.. Typically, I’m the go to person for counseling..
Life happens to all of us but we don’t all react the same.. When I find myself having a spell of “Murphy’s Law,” I withdraw and do a self reflection. When I’m in that space I just don’t want to project that energy onto someone else 🙂
I had the break off a friendship early this year because I was losing myself in it. The person kept hurting themselves and I wanted to be there for them but I would get ghosted and sometimes they would withheld info from me because they knew I would be disappointed in them. I gave them several chances but it was too much. I had almost lost my dad and they weren’t there for me because they were going through their own stuff and I felt very alone. We rely on each other for emotional support but then I realize that I was becoming too codependent on the relationship and that they didn’t have enough room for me in their lives. I cut it off and I feel a little guilty but I know I needed to do it.
Steph. I really do love it when you are you. ❤ The more personal videos are my absolute favourite. I cannot relate to you on experiences, but I love hearing you be you. ❤
Just be you, I would say. Thank you for the video.
So basically you’re getting rid of your best content… because some dummies jumped on you for spoiling the end of Love is blind? literally just issue a spoiler alert in the title like you already did! Easy. Your perspectives on reality tv shows are literally so unique and empathetic. You articulate thoughts I never knew I’d agree with. And your stories! are you kidding me? They’re relatable. I’ve never heard a woman struggle as much with dating as I have and they gave me so much comfort to hear I’m not alone. I think the embarrassment you feel is keeping you from expressing your truth. Please keep them on the channel I connect so much with them
Absolutely love your channel! I'm so excited for Season 3 StephCo, because your honestly and sharing your experiences is so relatable and makes me feel seen. Man, this video...i have been the friend on the phone for someone going through it and I have BEEN the friend who is going through it. I haven't seen a video like this before, so it's nice to see this being talked about.
Your season one is unmatched
“Pain is not a competition” shiiiittt heard that
Regardless of the topic, I enjoy your vantage point, your analysis...your mind and heart, sis! Whatever it is, share cuz you wanna cuz we'll join in. :)
Great topic- and you are so right! I had a friendship breakup after I wasn’t as sensitive to what a friend at the time was going through- this friend mentioned how the maintenance man came into her apartment to fix something washed his hands and used her paper towels I guess without asking- she called to vent about this and I just went off- like how dare she call to talk to me about something so minimal in my opinion but now thinking about it maybe that was triggering for her but when I went off things weren’t the same- I was stressed with work at the time myself so maybe if I hadn’t been going thru what I was going thru I could have engaged more but I felt her issue wasn’t nothing compared to my job related stress, so that’s why this topic was so interesting to hear
I think this is my problem with friends who are always going through stuff. Like yes things are bad but you don’t EVER have anything to be thankful for? Or ask me how I’m doing? It’s just always me pouring out now I’m empty. Un un
You look so good Steph!
Excellent video Steph! Season 3 is off to a great start, "I've reached my limit with this." is definitely being added to my response list. This conversation was enlightening for me, thanks
I was just thinking of how I'd ALWAYS been there for them. When I needed help they stopped talking to me. WTH?!?! U live U learn
Love you girl. I do want to say that if you base your content on what others will approve of, you’ll run out of videos to make and lose your individuality. Your takes are just that, YOUR takes. Some will like it, some will not. I personally love your content and appreciate your views.
You look GODT! Eyebrows looks so nice. And so does the eyelashes. Looking super gorgeous.
Girl, you could talk about paint drying and I would watch. I enjoy hearing your point of view and getting content from you. Update more!♥️❤️
"It won't last always. But it will last until it lasts."
-Oh Stephco✨️
Love that!!!!🤍🦋
Really appreciate you broaching this topic and sharing your experience as the friend on both sides of the phone so to speak. Thank you for the thoughtful discussion!
I actually really enjoyed your reality shows takes^^ but I enjoy all your content!
If it makes you feel better, hopeless romantic society is very much a thing! So you're definitely not the only person (or the worst) to "share too much"
On a side note, that lady that fired you should have been reported
Love that channel, dude is such a character. I’d spill my beans to him too lol
@@dinkybossHe is, but the people he interviews are even MORE extra
I was so flabbergasted like…just went home. But you’re right!
I love him btw.
I try very hard to be a good friend but I suffer from depression and it causes me anxiety and further depression if I become overwhelmed with a friend who’s maté constantly hurts her, her children constantly hurts her and she struggles with sobriety. I want to be a good friend but I have to take care of myself too. Trauma dumping every time we speak is hard because I am very empathetic. Her problems hurt me (a man hurting her) and days later they’ve made up and I’m still thinking how horribly he treated her.
Always so on point
Step i just enjoy hearing your perspective on everything. You are one of the few commentators that really seem to think before hitting record. An idea that i think you would be great in is review celebrity books.
Maybe a "i read it so you don't have to" or " i read it, liked it, and you should too"
My life has been a huge shit storm for 5 years now. I'm even at a point where I'm tired of always crying to my friends and family. I will only reach out if i feel like I'm truly gonna die lol otherwise i'll just go through it by myself because i feel like a burden at this point and also there's not much they can do to help other than offering emotional support.