I’ve never read a book I identified with more. He knew exactly what he was writing about, it was authentic to the core. I felt like he had put cameras in my house.
this is why we as women should never settle or lose hope that "good men" exist, lundy is an example of that. there are men who are concious, humane, and loving.
33:00 wow yes. When my parents broke up, professionals rushed to tell me it wasn't my fault. I was like, uh, ya. I know. I never once thought it was my fault. No one ever told me it wasn't my *mom's* fault.
@@villaineramatriarchyThat is my experience for over fourteen years. And my homeschooled daughter who witnessed the abuse for many years, even at 18-20yo people would be offended when my daughter and I tried to explain the truth of what was happening! If, especially, I wouldn’t agree with them that the marriage problem was my fault or at least 1/2 my fault (when it wasn’t), they would get upset and hang up, or run away, for no cause😢! I believe they wanted an excuse to not help our family and if they can blame me or 50/50 both of us then they think they have an excuse to not help!
Every man should be a carbon copy of Mr Lundy Bancroft . Then we would have a world of wonderful men for all women . Finally women would get the love, care ,and respect they deserve. He should be the poster boy for the best husband. BRAVO to you Mr Lundy Bancroft.
Bless this man. It's so incredibly relieving to hear him validate this experience. Society and their misconceptions and victim blaming cause trauma which can be worse than the original abuse. Never have I felt so insignificant and my life so worthless. It's like being sullied by something vile. However intelligent, successful and social I am/ was is diminished by my exs abuse on me. How come we get blamed for not being able to see it while the outside doesn't see it themselves now? Also, thank you so much for speaking about what we can do as moms to help our kids and our relationships with them. I have two of Lundy Bancrofts books and they hit the nail on the head and are so usable, it's so amazing that I don't have to gather the info from different places all over. It's just straight to the point and helps so much.
You put this so well, the societal victim blaming and gaslighting, and the feeling of being diminished from who you really are. Lundy Bancroft is so incredibly validating and helps victims to make sense of what happened. All the best to you on your healing journey ❤
For the victim to be foggy and confused is a normal result of an abnormal stressor. When women are being bullied by controlling men who say they love them, it's a profound shock and it's very natural to lose your bearings--and very predictable that he'll use your confusion, fogginess, despair to call you crazy to others to your children and to you. And, "She must be crazy to want to leave a nice Jewish doctor">
Lundy Bancroft’s book, “Why Does He Do That?” was a game-changer for me, and for millions of other people. At the beginning of his book he blasts through a long list of myths about abusers (no, they don’t abuse because of alcohol, trauma, lack of anger management, etc etc), then he summarizes **in the words of abusers themselves** precisely how and why they deliberately abuse their partners, and why they will not stop. His book ends with how communities can support victims of abuse. My eyes were opened - I had no idea how naive and naively optimistic I was, and how important it was for me to LEAVE. It’s not an easy read. But a necessary one.
Thank you so much for SHALVA. Admitting out loud that Jewish men can be just as abusive as any other men to the women they say they love goes a long way towards disarming his ultimate abusive tactic, saying, "No one will believe you".
This guy knows it. He is 100% on point. I listened to his book . It was a great support for me, it explained a lot, showed me what no one in my circle would talk about and was one of the best books . Let me share... the local YWCA near me offered 10 free counseling sessions over the phone that directly focused on DV and my experience. Get support fast. I highly recommend this man's book and counseling ASAP when someone is dealing w DV, abuse from intimate partner or has just been attacked and beaten. PTSD sets in and it is a thorn every day. I am seeking EMDR counseling now Still going to court almost 1 yr. since the attack. Ty sir for your work. DV is a wolf in sheep's clothing, hard to prove to Law without proof like video cam and many DV workers at shelter are numbed out. In my situation they were of no help.
I was an advocate for abused women for about 4 years in an area with a large Orthodox community. Violence against women was rampant ignored by the rabbi ,even tacitly encouraged
Some are very sneaky and important things will just go "missing" or "ooops!" Got broken the next day, totally "unrelated". But never, ever their own things. Ever.
This is a great synopsis of helpful information for abused women and the people who love them and want to help. Might be the best Bancroft interview yet. Thank you for producing this and making it available to women. 🤗
Thank you Lundy for saving my life, and saving my kids lives. I am teaching other adults how to respect children as people and guide them with my own lived experiences.
The last relationship I was in my male partner told me how abusive his father was to his mom, him and his siblings but he resented his mother. He was emotionally unavailable, and manipulative.
Beautifull man! Thanks for being there and putting light on things that are happening. Men in my family were quite problematic, they sometimes blame their moms for being bad. I don't know why my older brother became like that. He is manipulative and controls with agression.
Actually, the struggle to understand legal terms, etc., when in a state of trauma, can be because your brain can't take it in. It's so full of the need to survive for the next moment. I had information about the hazards of mediation for many years that I have just begun to be able to read, due to my not being able to process the information objectively. It was as if I had become illiterate. In the meantime, much damage was done through mediating without the knowledge that it was a very bad idea when a power imbalance existed. At that point in time, I didn't know I was in a power imbalance with an abusive man and his abusive father.
Lundy has helped save so many of us who just had bad advice he is so respectful, just wonderful. Let me be very clear: I knew the entire time the man I was with was abusing me. Having a mother who had been beaten, I know what is not appropriate. Logically I knew. I like that Lundy does not treat us like we are stupid. He is absolutely correct about the kids, I heard my mother get raped and I haven't forgotten it. I'm 45 . The belt buckle in the original The Color Purple hitting the wall is very upsetting to me even today. Kids know whats going on. Thank you for letting me share. I didn't want to go to visitation I stopped when he started being weird with me as a teenager I refused to go.
I feel like all men are abusers at this point in life, at least emotionally. Dominate and control...I don't even understand why anyone would want to do that, but he helped me to understand. Pathetic immature......I don't know. I've given up. I have a dog who loves me. I always wonder about men who know so much about abuse though. Like they know the playbook.
My ex husband turned my son against me. I have not heard from my son in 5 years. I reach out to him via text, phone and email. He never responds. Mothers Day and my birthday are very depressing. I wish I had known about Lundy Bancroft sooner.
No one is going to mention the elephant in the room so I will. When talking about jewish men having stats that are lower than average in terms of engaging in domestic violence due to the assumption that the more educated men are the less like they are to carry out D.V. without so much as a mention of women having to sit at the back row of the temple due to their being less "clean". Neither of them brough it when the discussion turn to men degrading women. Guess we have a long way to go in terms of having an open discussion.
So do we have a better chance of curbing a child from being a serial killer than being an Abuser. Kind of reminds me of a weeping Prophet. What's the point in ANY KIND of therapy if we extinguish hope? (*asking for a Friend*)... Financial gain much?
@Mama Bush I see no benefit in escaping or trying to persuade to Strangers my journey. The internet is not the appropriate platform for that. I appreciate your concern though. May we all strive towards the perfection that we demand for our peers...
Mr. Bancroft should get a Nobel Prize for his books
I’ve never read a book I identified with more. He knew exactly what he was writing about, it was authentic to the core. I felt like he had put cameras in my house.
I second that
And for his seminars and for his abuser program that helped thousands of people. And for being an advocate
Absolutely agree!
Absolutely!
He said when you're living it ( violence : emotional, verbal ) it's like being in a fog. So true.
Good men do exist. Y'know what scares an abusive man? A good man.
A good man melts an abusive man metaphorically, like a slug in salt.
A slug in salt! HA!! Love it!
this is why we as women should never settle or lose hope that "good men" exist, lundy is an example of that. there are men who are concious, humane, and loving.
while that may be true scattered about here and there, it's just not worth the risk.
@@Coach-Daisyomg, so legitimate
33:00 wow yes. When my parents broke up, professionals rushed to tell me it wasn't my fault. I was like, uh, ya. I know. I never once thought it was my fault.
No one ever told me it wasn't my *mom's* fault.
@@villaineramatriarchyThat is my experience for over fourteen years. And my homeschooled daughter who witnessed the abuse for many years, even at 18-20yo people would be offended when my daughter and I tried to explain the truth of what was happening! If, especially, I wouldn’t agree with them that the marriage problem was my fault or at least 1/2 my fault (when it wasn’t), they would get upset and hang up, or run away, for no cause😢!
I believe they wanted an excuse to not help our family and if they can blame me or 50/50 both of us then they think they have an excuse to not help!
Ooof. I agree with you, it's very odd to hear so many professionals say "kids always blame themselves". No, no they don't all blame themselves!
Men like Lundy are 0.00000001% on this planet so sad he is a diamond in the rough
Every man should be a carbon copy of Mr Lundy Bancroft . Then we would have a world of wonderful men for all women . Finally women would get the love, care ,and respect they deserve. He should be the poster boy for the best husband. BRAVO to you Mr Lundy Bancroft.
This man really understands this subject.
Bless this man. It's so incredibly relieving to hear him validate this experience. Society and their misconceptions and victim blaming cause trauma which can be worse than the original abuse. Never have I felt so insignificant and my life so worthless. It's like being sullied by something vile. However intelligent, successful and social I am/ was is diminished by my exs abuse on me. How come we get blamed for not being able to see it while the outside doesn't see it themselves now?
Also, thank you so much for speaking about what we can do as moms to help our kids and our relationships with them. I have two of Lundy Bancrofts books and they hit the nail on the head and are so usable, it's so amazing that I don't have to gather the info from different places all over. It's just straight to the point and helps so much.
You put this so well, the societal victim blaming and gaslighting, and the feeling of being diminished from who you really are. Lundy Bancroft is so incredibly validating and helps victims to make sense of what happened. All the best to you on your healing journey ❤
Every time I listen to a video of Lundy Bancroft, I literally take notes. 👍👍👍
For the victim to be foggy and confused is a normal result of an abnormal stressor. When women are being bullied by controlling men who say they love them, it's a profound shock and it's very natural to lose your bearings--and very predictable that he'll use your confusion, fogginess, despair to call you crazy to others to your children and to you. And, "She must be crazy to want to leave a nice Jewish doctor">
Lundy Bancroft’s book, “Why Does He Do That?” was a game-changer for me, and for millions of other people. At the beginning of his book he blasts through a long list of myths about abusers (no, they don’t abuse because of alcohol, trauma, lack of anger management, etc etc), then he summarizes **in the words of abusers themselves** precisely how and why they deliberately abuse their partners, and why they will not stop. His book ends with how communities can support victims of abuse. My eyes were opened - I had no idea how naive and naively optimistic I was, and how important it was for me to LEAVE. It’s not an easy read. But a necessary one.
The part on societal training and bad role models is what I love to hear more on. We need to learn from this to teach our sons to be and do better.
Mr Lundy is a blessing. Thank you so much for this.
Thank you so much for SHALVA. Admitting out loud that Jewish men can be just as abusive as any other men to the women they say they love goes a long way towards disarming his ultimate abusive tactic, saying, "No one will believe you".
This guy knows it. He is 100% on point. I listened to his book . It was a great support for me, it explained a lot, showed me what no one in my circle would talk about and was one of the best books . Let me share... the local YWCA near me offered 10 free counseling sessions over the phone that directly focused on DV and my experience. Get support fast. I highly recommend this man's book and counseling ASAP when someone is dealing w DV, abuse from intimate partner or has just been attacked and beaten. PTSD sets in and it is a thorn every day. I am seeking EMDR counseling now Still going to court almost 1 yr. since the attack. Ty sir for your work. DV is a wolf in sheep's clothing, hard to prove to Law without proof like video cam and many DV workers at shelter are numbed out. In my situation they were of no help.
I was an advocate for abused women for about 4 years in an area with a large Orthodox community. Violence against women was rampant ignored by the rabbi ,even tacitly encouraged
Have him back! I wanna hear more!
Lundy you are bang on. Thank you
Incredible video. I always learn so much from Lundy Bancroft. I'd LOVE for him to talk about the myth of mutual abuse!
if it helps, he did have a part in his book "why does he do that?" that talked about codependence is a myth!
It's spot on. Like in my case. Never ever breaks things that is important to him. Only my stuff.
Some are very sneaky and important things will just go "missing" or "ooops!" Got broken the next day, totally "unrelated". But never, ever their own things. Ever.
This is a great synopsis of helpful information for abused women and the people who love them and want to help. Might be the best Bancroft interview yet. Thank you for producing this and making it available to women. 🤗
Being “up to things all the time” is 100% accurate.
Everything here needs to be put into quotes. Such good information.
Thank you Lundy for saving my life, and saving my kids lives. I am teaching other adults how to respect children as people and guide them with my own lived experiences.
Thank you so much.
The last relationship I was in my male partner told me how abusive his father was to his mom, him and his siblings but he resented his mother.
He was emotionally unavailable, and manipulative.
Beautifull man! Thanks for being there and putting light on things that are happening.
Men in my family were quite problematic, they sometimes blame their moms for being bad.
I don't know why my older brother became like that. He is manipulative and controls with agression.
Fabulous! Thank you so much for this! Well done!
Very good interview. Thank you so much for having this amazingly smart & valid information made available to all. A great service provided.
Biggest thank you from the bottom of my heart. Can't wait for the next part of court issues
Actually, the struggle to understand legal terms, etc., when in a state of trauma, can be because your brain can't take it in. It's so full of the need to survive for the next moment. I had information about the hazards of mediation for many years that I have just begun to be able to read, due to my not being able to process the information objectively. It was as if I had become illiterate. In the meantime, much damage was done through mediating without the knowledge that it was a very bad idea when a power imbalance existed. At that point in time, I didn't know I was in a power imbalance with an abusive man and his abusive father.
Lundy has helped save so many of us who just had bad advice he is so respectful, just wonderful. Let me be very clear: I knew the entire time the man I was with was abusing me. Having a mother who had been beaten, I know what is not appropriate. Logically I knew. I like that Lundy does not treat us like we are stupid. He is absolutely correct about the kids, I heard my mother get raped and I haven't forgotten it. I'm 45 . The belt buckle in the original The Color Purple hitting the wall is very upsetting to me even today. Kids know whats going on. Thank you for letting me share. I didn't want to go to visitation I stopped when he started being weird with me as a teenager I refused to go.
It's so wonderful seeing a man advocate so strongly for women.
I feel like all men are abusers at this point in life, at least emotionally. Dominate and control...I don't even understand why anyone would want to do that, but he helped me to understand. Pathetic immature......I don't know. I've given up. I have a dog who loves me. I always wonder about men who know so much about abuse though. Like they know the playbook.
I agree !!
I hope you're wrong but so far I agree
Thank you so much. Best regards (forms Switzerland 🇨🇭)
My ex husband turned my son against me. I have not heard from my son in 5 years. I reach out to him via text, phone and email. He never responds. Mothers Day and my birthday are very depressing. I wish I had known about Lundy Bancroft sooner.
Oh yeah, I also escaped for good after tapering off the numbing psych drugs they had me on. 4 years of freedom (:
reading it now..
Why aren’t family court judges required to read his books!??? 😢
I wish I cld get 40 years back!!!
I didn't know I was abused until I read this book 😭
We just don't hold men accountable for their actions...society always blame women for all the problems they have with men.
domestic violence and womens shelter intake services are brutally demeaning to abused women.
Do we have any recommendations from Lundy regarding current "good" abuser intervention programs?
So basically it all boils down to their entitlement.
Right to pursue a career in the way they want , these men will ruim theor own life to ensure hers is nothing that she wants
do not lable her co dependant. this is garbage.
Where’s the follow up 😂
No one is going to mention the elephant in the room so I will. When talking about jewish men having stats that are lower than average in terms of engaging in domestic violence due to the assumption that the more educated men are the less like they are to carry out D.V. without so much as a mention of women having to sit at the back row of the temple due to their being less "clean". Neither of them brough it when the discussion turn to men degrading women. Guess we have a long way to go in terms of having an open discussion.
So do we have a better chance of curbing a child from being a serial killer than being an Abuser. Kind of reminds me of a weeping Prophet. What's the point in ANY KIND of therapy if we extinguish hope? (*asking for a Friend*)... Financial gain much?
@Mama Bush I was in bad shape. I've spent the past 3 months come after myself than going after others. Thanks ~
@Mama Bush I'm not understanding your meaning of hopium. Never heard anyone in the USA use that term.
@Mama Bush I see no benefit in escaping or trying to persuade to Strangers my journey. The internet is not the appropriate platform for that. I appreciate your concern though. May we all strive towards the perfection that we demand for our peers...
Is that a she-male not Lundy but ya never know cause parasites and eugenics caused the Narc
perpetrate violence against women.