Convicted Abusers Reflect on Their Violent Behavior
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- Опубліковано 14 січ 2019
- In a series of emotionally-charged group therapy sessions, men reflect on the beliefs and attitudes that underlie the behavior that led them to commit domestic abuse. Read more: www.theatlantic.com/video/ind...
"Group" was directed by Jack Mullinkosson, Ben Allen, Claire Cai, Meghan Wells, and Haley Saunders, students in the Chapman University documentary program. It is part of The Atlantic Selects, an online showcase of short documentaries from independent creators, curated by The Atlantic.
Subscribe to The Atlantic on UA-cam: bit.ly/subAtlanticYT - Фільми й анімація
Grabbed her arm? Dumped her purse on her? Yeah… I’m sure that’s the reason you were arrested🤦🏻♀️
My exact thoughts!! Ffs they are lying! 😂
"violated a restraining order"... What was that for? Nothing?
Seriously they never think they do anything wrong and make all sorts of excuses or minimize anything they do. I’m sure if you talk to the wife, you’d hear a whole different story. You can’t change if you don’t take responsibility for your actions. Period.
He held me by my neck, threw me down and my body slid across the tiled floor. This happened 3 times in one night and for the first time ever. I had bruises on my neck, I didn’t know he had done this before to at least 2 other females until I went to the Police. He told me his Grandparents would die if I spoke to the Police and he was charged. I’m glad I spoke out. I am testifying in court in December.
I’m so proud of you I hope you’re doing well ❤️
@@Adri_Unsung thanks I’m processing still, takes a while but I’m doing well. Thanks again. ☺️
Dang. You are a brave woman. And he is fubar’d.
@@aliciascat9433 seek out professional help, you're brave! thanks for speak up!
God bless you. I hope you're in a safe place now. Much love!
The excuses and minimizing is why they don't change... they're not fully admitting
It's a running theme in this type of interview. Kinda sorta did it...
At least its good they speak about it maybe they can learn to control themselves..
@shaka mata _ African pride very true
@shaka mata _ African pride Talking about your feelings and problems is the mature healthy grown adult way to handle it.. and if it doesn't work after talking about it and trying, then you leave.
@HL - Hombres Libres MGTOW yes you are right, I'm sure there's other things involved. Too bad it got so bad wish they had talked it out. So sad to see relationships crumble because of alack of proper communication. They're both hurt from it 100%
I have worked with victims of domestic violence for 15 years. I also worked with perpetrators of domestic violence for a year or two. The perpetrators have "errors in thinking," and reversing the thinking and behavior takes a long time. These are not about relationships. It is about power and control, always.
*Society is about power and control... if anyone is ever being misinformed or is having information kept from them, it’s about power and control. Keeping someone unaware is about power and control. Withholding love from someone is about power and control. People do this consistently in this society...*
BINGO🏆
I agree my husband abused me but really wanted to abuse his step father.
@@earlaweese "withholding love from someone" or sex. Those are two different things.
Wow. All I did was......minimize. I just dumped her purse, just bruised her arm, just grabbed her arm....... they forget to add the " and then I....."
You can tell every man in that room has a problem with anger, ego, being overly confrontational and control issues
Exactly
I see plenty of pain and shame in these men. I have compassion for their pain.They would do well with mindfulness training: Vipassana, Insight Meditation, teachings of Eckhart Tolle. They’re wounded children who need healing from their own abuse.
@@sandrab601 read Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That. The issues causing abuse aren't emotional or psychological, they are value-based and attitude based. Abusive men are entitled and misogynistic, not (statistically) any more or less psychologically troubled than the average population.
Yes and that’s toxic masculinity for you.
Mander’s, I am confused by your statement. It sounds like you don’t understand men. Why do you think that boys never get abused?
These men think they own their families. They don't see people. They see their property.
Exactly.
Exactly
My stbx husband told me the other day that he is struggling with not "owning" me anymore since we separated and I filed for divorce. I made the right decision. They view their families as property 100%.
I'm going to point something out.
It takes 35 times for a woman to finally report an assault. And only 1-2 assaults are reported out of that 35 times.
These men are far from innocent. They minimize the behavior and do not see what they did as wrong. Lundy Bancroft mentioned in his book that these men very rarely can be rehabilitated if at all. Its not to say people are hopeless, but people who are entitled to be abusive and controlling very often cannot change.
Wow...sad
Not true. My dad stopped abusing my mom in 1979. Never hit her again.
Flora Stewart Your one positive experience does not change a statistic. i’m glad that he stopped being an abusive husband/parent though.
Do u think it was minimalized b4 normalized
@@Splatria what stats are you referring to? Please be specific on what stats you're talking about.
My father should be in this group but my mother never had the guts to call the cops on him. He abused 3 women in his life and still whines that he's the victim. Pathetic.
Why dont you call them?
typical narcissisist
Oh yes, reverting the aggressor and the victim. He complained about me behind my back to everyone around him, making me out to be an abusive POS while he was abusing me. In hindsight, he was making sure no one would believe me if I told on him. The pinnacle was reached when he hit me, I screamed, and he called the cops on me because I screamed, to have the cops hopefully arrest me because I was keeping the neighbours from sleeping. Can you believe it?
You can feel the rage from these guys when they answer the questions or discuss what brought them there. I honestly don’t think any of them are fixable.
I thought the same thing as I watched this video. They're twisted.
They’re mostly not.
They're set in their ways. And they have leart that they can control others like this. I don't feel sorry for them at all.
They all minimize the crimes that put them there. They see the assaults and abuse as no big deal.
But at the end it says only 1/3 of them re-offend, so 2/3 of those men didn't commit a violence crime again. So doing the program is probably better than just walking around with a short fuse like before
it’s truly sad to see the lack of maturity and undeveloped minds of these mens
*That happens because of a lack of love.*
Men not mens
Grammar error but i agree.
@@alessandrorighetti21 more like boys, not men
@@themonicameza ok i agree
“I threw the remote and the battery came out and hit her on the arm.” That abusive battery! Prison! 20 years! 🙄 come on guy you seriously think anyone believed that? Those guys that didn’t wanna show their faces are cowards.
It’s his third class for dv. He’ll never learn.
I know can someone explain the physics and angles of the remote, the battery, and the arm. Lol
@@Mimi-cq4bg negativity breeds the same behavior.
I refuse to believe that he was arrested for throwing a remote and a battery from that remote hitting his wife in the arm. How stupid does he think we are?
The cowardice, the lying and the denials of the woman beater is mind blowing.
Solange Boudreau till your woman starts abusing you and you can’t talk about it
@@harleywilliams6657 and when we do no one believes it, or takes it seriously
@@Acord718 , we need equality, I agree.
This misandry, misogyny is harming both men and women. Both have to be taken seriously
They don't change.
But do people really want to admit that
It’s always about what others are doing, never about themselves. They don’t take responsibility for their own behavior - which, by the way, my dad taught me was a key aspect of true masculinity. It goes with another key aspect of true masculinity: never lay a hand on a woman; only weak men do that.
Not even if she's killing your child or trying to kill your parents?
Don't lay hands on anyone unless they are laying hands on you
Self-defense is neccasary
What about the other way around?
@@alexgreen1913 , yeah.
Same. Only self defense and others' defense is allowed.
Let's not make this shallow and too extreme on one side
If you're a true capable man, self defense is absolutely fine against a women but you don't need to pummel them, a push should be enough or restraining them in such a way
Lundy Bancroft wrote a book called "Why Does He Do That?" Showing that therapy for abusers does not work because they end up justifying themselves and becoming more entitled. Maybe classes like this are more beneficial because they encourage the men to take responsibility, but I can only hope.
That is a good point and as an abuse survivor, I share that hope. I'm also a recovering addict who is so very cognizant of the fact that if I do not desire to change and then become brutally honest with myself about the things I must change in order to live a different life that I can be proud of and thrive in, then I will only perhaps stop using for a bit but the same underlying issues will still be there waiting patiently to rear their ugly head again and ultimately drive me to make the same decisions I've always made. I truly feel that people CAN change, even in the midst of court ordered "help," but they must desire to change on the very deepest level of their souls. I hope for the sake of the people stuck on the other end of the abuse, that therapies like this can reach the abusers and spark the fire of change within them.
Actually tho one of the things lundy bancroft did and talked abt in the book is create a program to try to get abusers to come to terms w the fundamental beliefs the belie their abuse
@@chloe7059 that is true. Maybe I should've been more clear, in saying that conventional therapy does not work
MythicalMelodies these are the same type of classes. Even the way they describe what they did, they use words like “but”. These classes make these men better at abusing.
ugh this book is good
I'd bet that every single one of these guys have acted like monsters behind closed doors & either they just don't realize how scary they get OR they're proud of it.
It's the only way they're able to feel powerful - by attacking someone physically weaker.
They realize what they're doing and they know the difference between right and wrong- they just don't care because they think their victim deserved it.
if you smack your children because they are misbehaving - you are teaching the young that the use of physical violence is a method for correcting misbehaviour. Then they have been taught to hurt others to get what they want.
He was defending his chil from abusive mother and he's their because it's his own actions women slap men all the time. A slap I'd about insult then actual Injury. Sh should be. Blame yes blame that woman
WHAT??? THAT MAKES 0 SENSE... IF AN ADULT SPANK A CHILD, THEYLL KNOW, IF THEY DO IT AGAIN, THEYLL HAVE TO SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES...
@@paulsharp7857 right same thing to do to a wife. If she acts up just hit her and she won't do it again because she'll have to suffer the consequences
@@grndragon7777777 Someone should hit you to correct you and that thinking of yours. Hmmm I wonder when you will end up in prison?
@@WeatherMondacicci calm down. I was pointing out the fact that teaching children that this is the way you deal with people they will carry that on and treat people like that mainly their spouses
If you want a punching bag, BUY ONE. Don't get married!
wisdom!
Facts
@@mrtwister9002 One thing I have come to realize is that the internet, smartphones and social media have made it very easy for a partner to hook up with someone else (even while she claims to be with you). The second she is dissatisfied, she has immediate access to millions of thirsty willing guys and gals who will tell her whatever she wants to hear. I don't even take relationships seriously anymore these days.
Definitely cheaper to just buy a punching bag lol
Infinite IQ
The facilitator is an extremely patient person. That would be a very hard conversation to guide. Kudos, guy.
David
David is doing good work.
Is he a eunuch?
The refrain of "I'm here because someone called the cops" illustrates to me how deeply violent our culture allows and guides people to be. I appreciate that these men are trying to change, and I wish it didn't take a court mandate to open up conversations like this about what is healthy and appropriate in interpersonal relations.
They're not trying to change.
Some are
I am literally dealing with this now- pushed, pulled, throwing and breaking stuff. Bruises and bumps- not taken seriously. It’s just a step away from a punch. I don’t put my hands on my partner- even in the worst times. I feel like the rage that I see is not taken seriously Bc I am not seriously injured...
So true! I’m a survivor of domestic abuse, today I am living with Dystonia and functional Neurological Disorder as a result of my head injury 🤕 his life continues 😓🙏
@@leahwarrior9753 i am sorry you're going through that
Homie must have a remote control with very very big batteries.
This dude is never going to change. He can't even take responsibility after being caught for the third time.
Such a bs story or his wife bruises extremely easy
I can tell he's a predicate violent offender. It's obvious as hell.
That's obviously not the whole story, or he wouldn't be in there.
Despite being convicted, they still try to deny being abusers. This is why they will never change. They need to grow up and accept responsibility for what they do. Their immaturity is pathetic.
These guys are only there because they HAVE to be , very different from seeking help because you WANT to change. They're just sorry they got caught
Some of them are there and they shouldn't be, such as the dad protecting his daughter from her grandmother.
*There are many abusers society just allows. There are different types of abuse. They just make it seem like physical actions is the only abuse and psychological actions aren’t abuse. There’s no such thing as torturing someone’s mind... that’s all a lie (when it actually isn’t). It just has to preserved as a lie so that people can psychologically abuse - it’s all about dominance.*
@@robc. well, take that story with a grain of salt. Abusive people have an alternate reality they operate from.
exactly
Omg, throw a remote, dump purse, wtf, this is bs
My Ex hit me, he accused me of amping him up, I made him hit me! According to him.... I NEVER raised a hand to him. He would go crazy over the smallest things, misunderstandings in words being said the biggest thing. 😭 If there are any woman in a relationship like that, get out 💕
If there are any men in abusive relationships with women, GET OUT!
I needed this today. 😢 Thankyou so much. 💓
All of these men were once innocent children. I hope our society can improve by raising children to take responsibility for their actions, and to teach that showing sadness or openness to emotions is strength, not weakness.
Most people that commit abuse were already abused or come from abusive parents, abusers are like a disease if you make a relationship with one and they abuse you they may turn you into an abuser as well this is not the fault of masculinity indeed most domestic violence is reciprocal and in no reciprocal the women are the abuser besides women are far more likely to abuse their children in neglect and emotionally, this particularly affects boys who are more likely to die for it, don't give me wrong i agree with you our society should be more open towards listening to male regardless is it view as weakness or not.
Society? Improving? Bwahaha get real
*No child is innocent. Everyone is born evil and only the best get away with it and are smart enough to abuse in subtle ways that can’t be perceived (psychologically) and end up being the same ones screaming “ABUSE!!! ABUSE!!! ABUSE!!!!” collectively with a group that knows no violence, but magically knows how to be violent. It seems like everyone’s an abuser. Everyone uses force - it’s just that most people get away with it because they ACT polite. Also, intuition is a lie because nobody has a baby and thinks, “This one’s going to be an abuser... I knew it the moment it came out of my belly”.*
Right. ONCE were innocent...
I promise to NEVER repeat the violence done to me
I just don't think you can read away delusion, sociopathy, misogyny...
i think everyone is capable of change. no one is born evil.
@divyanshu pandey , it is included.
You really can't ignore it.
And yeah, male victims count as well
Many experts actually say that you cannot reform abusive men. Abuse is not a mental illness issue it’s a culturally driven issue. These men truly believe women were put on this earth to serve men and if she steps out of line and doesn’t give them what they want they have to “put her in her place”. I firmly believe that most domestic abusers deserve a life sentence because of the fact that they cannot change and will probably just wreck havoc on other women’s lives.
*No one hates women. The only people who hate women are single or sexless or oppressed gay men.*
@@rhsdevils1993 You're wrong.
A psychologist friend of mine said that it’s really been proven that these groups don’t work to effect change because they just “learn” from one another and they learn how to not get caught the next time around. Hope it’s not true, but..,
Yeah that would be right...Only sorry they got caught and only striving to be better at getting away with it next time. Rot is rot. I'm facing reality from now on so this never happens to me and my dog again. I don't care about my teeth, my knee and the scars on my face or the damage to my throat, mental and emotional......I am angry right now for my dog, i'm sorry
Sorry that I ever tried to see the good in a rotten individual and it cost this much
Yep. They meet their soulmate at these things. I swear to God 👍😎
Abusers tend to like to hang out with abusers
yes, good point
They are literally so weak, you can see it on their face. They are so insecure with their fragile personas they can't even face their own emotions
Have you ever even tried to hold yourself accountable and be open abt your shortcomings? I bet you haven’t bc you seem to have absolutely no clue how difficult that can actually be.
@@Jakuboooooooooo truth
They hide their faces because they KNOW damn well what they do is unacceptable and wrong and yet they still blame the victim!!!!!! Failure to learn from experience is the Hallmark of the sociopath, narcissist and psychopath. They say " I was abused" Well buddy,that don't give you the right to take it out on your loving family!!!!
Not the right, but it does explain a lot.
What they see is what they do
OP, well said. It’s like trying to talk to a wall because their brains are wired differently.
It’s the minimizing that’s hurts the most. Acknowledge your wrong doings! My ex would look at me with my eyes black and blue. One eye had zero white, instead was red end to end due to ruptured blood vessels and would ask me to my face “ who fucked you up” Denied each time and said he would never hit a women and if anyone asks he’ll say I did it to myself. We have court coming up and they have him on 2 felony charges. He asked me to write a letter to the judge saying that I’m a drug addict (which I’m not) and that he decided to end things with me and Is the reason I beat myself black and blue.
Hey Leslie how are you? I know what you're going through and really would like to talk some more if you're comfortable? I'm on insta with the same name as my UA-cam profile name. Your comment hit so close to home.
pray that you are safe and stay away from him and such like him
NOBODY should hit ANYBODY, woman OR MAN, stay away from abusive men, you CAN'T change them, and the same goes for men who are with abusive women!
Stay strong and keep reminding yourself that YOU know what the truth is. Stay away from ppl who try to convince you otherwise. Set yourself free. Full power to you ✊🏻👊🏻🤛🏻💃🏻
Damn honey, I'm so sorry that happened to you. I'm in a difficult situation myself, and all I keep thinking is how bad is it going to get before I can escape this madness!? Getting cussed at, screamed at, name-calling, and then the physical shit started... They seem to go from 0-100 TOO QUICK! I am proud of you!!! I am rooting for you in my own personal hell.... YOU HAVE THE POWER NOW!!!! Do not help that man, please burry him in court.... Do it for me, do it for us. Please. Good luck to you. 🌒🌕🌘
Grant talks about his case and you can see the injustice he feels and the anger he feels about it, and as the cocunsler gives him the tools, he softens, his face changes, and his tense body relaxes. He then starts to understand its starts with him.
I was never allowed to cry after his angry outbursts. I didn't see it at the time but it was ok for him to express his feelings in any way he chose, but not me. I was expected to remain positive at all times. The criminal justice system saved me and now I'm married to a great man and have never been happier. I suffered domestic abuse for 17 years but it has taught me to cherish the relationship I now have.
Sounds like they all understate the physical contact. "Oh I grabbed her arm oh the batteries fell out and hit her arm" right you are not real violence.
Maybe they really did just do something small like that.
It is all it takes to commit a crime.
@DJ Warning Look behind his words. Why was grandma dragging the child? Because he was trying to snatch the child when he had a restraining order against him. They only tell a little portion of the story, to gain sympathy .
It probably came in more of a whipping speed
Grabbing somebody's arm can leave bruises & be very painful if arm is twisted behind ur back
When these men cease diminishing their abusive acts-only then can they possibly change,and be redeemed
Sounds like the only first step that could matter. But when they have manipulative personalities, they first start trying manipulate the therapist or the people in the group sessions. Others are in denial.
All she does is... or, she was cheating...I think that people often think that abuse is excusable if the woman supposedly does certain things.
not really in the case of men, I`ve seen abuse from women being more excusable than in cases of men. What we know now is that domestic violence is reciprocal in many cases, and not the stereotypical one sided we don`t see videos of women abusers explaining their actions.
@@hatbat1234
Agreed. Feminism gave women the shield that they are angels and can do no wrong.
Some of those who are abused can be reactively abusive as well. Cheating, and rubbing it in your partners face is invalidation. Which is emotional abuse, which doesn't leave marks and the pain and trauma can last for a long time. Is reactive abuse okay? No of course not, but someone who is being devalued or is being sadistically abused will want to defend themselves. Sometimes people don't have the right tools to cope.
I found it funny, though. "She was cheating." Right, lets see Corey Anderson have a show of good faith and support her in that decision. LOL Ridiculous. My ex, on 2 different occasions _ASKED_ me to hit her. Of course I didn't, she was a fucking nut case. And.. She was cheating! She wanted me to hit her so she could file charges on me for retaliation because I made her feel so shitty about it. And RIGHTLY SO! No, I'm NOT gonna support her in _that kind_ of a decision. I left the emotional abuser, who, was a woman. On multiple occasions, I would tell her how the cheating made me feel like I was worthless. You'd think that the person would show compassion instead of smiling with glee knowing that it was hurting me. Or on other occasions she would ask about my mother who she knows is dying from ALS, who also knew I didn't like to talk about it because I told her _not_ to bring it up and again, _smiling_ because it made her happy that it was hurting me. Its sadistic and its sick. Was it okay that I would yell and scream at her and call her nasty names? Of course not, but reactive abuse is one way of trying to defend what little you have left of your self-esteem and self-worth. Its dysfunctional, just like she was, and it brought the worst out in me.
How about we not say that junk and give people the benefit of the doubt.
Feminism gave women a shield FINALLY after years of abuse with no action.
Mr Twister i totally agree with what you are saying, but it is never an excuse for physical abuse. You need to step back and let it go in those situations. Yelling gives them what they want, a reaction. you need to be calm, assertive and cold. Throwing hands or anything else physical, is a weakness and shows lack of self restraint.
@V.B Well, this is patently false and not backed by any current statistic.
www.health.harvard.edu/newsletter_article/in_brief_domestic_violence_not_always_one_sided
I am a former Physical Abuser. The hardest part is forgiving yourself, and I don't think I ever will. The change inside my heart only happened once I took full responsibility for my actions, and stopped trying to explain the context. Everyone has a choice, and hurting someone else has consequences. Staying single for the rest of my life, and humbling myself enough to listen and learn, is where I am at right now. My name is in the dirt, and somehow that feels right. I know what I have done, and I regret it every day.
Hey, both of you.... that’s big, to fully own it. It’s grown. Rarely do people fully own their own issues, not just abusers.
A man I love but had to let go, and keep distance from has owned his actions. Fully. Is in therapy. Dedicated to it.
He was verbally abusive, also stalked me, gaslit. He left big wounds.
I’m healing but scarred. It made me more aware of how I hurt people when I was younger.
Stick to your wisdom now, I wish you both well from here.
Why were you abusing women?
@@God.sDaughter Because his life path differs from yours
Both of you men, as a child I was going after someone who put hands on me. As an adult, I changed. But I feel like people go to my past, but I am different now. I have trouble believing that you were not abused after seeing guys get abused in my life. Like you guys are not allowed to speak up for yourselves. Maybe there is such thing as sexism against men. Personally, I don’t know you. My experiences are different. We are all unique. I am sorry. You seem to believe you are angry
@@ericarice4588 Thanks Erica, I'm sorry for what you went through.
Abusers who downplay their behaviors disgust me.
Yes! 🤢
Leave before you resort to violence.
Some times they dont let you leave
Great comment, Carolyne!
They don’t want to. They want to be in control.
I would be dead if i left both nights & he thankfully moved out and left.
Now his actions are coming back around on him from other people’a reports of him and I feel wrecked because he might get put away & I’m just really sad about that. It’s not up to me. He tells people im crazy and lying.
For mad I may be, but I will never again be convenient.
Love what is eternal in them and work to become unavailable to the behavior.
My head & heart is really messed up months later still. I just want to be well again.
I’m leaning into the experience of it and trying not to repress it. Trying to be honest with myself. It’s very hard.
How to know love vs abuse?
Love always respects the answer NO.
Control never respects the answer " NO"
Spot on
Consent is only valid if refusal is safe and accepted.
Abusers say NO when you ask them to behave better. They pride themselves on not being YES men.
I'm an adult woman (27 years old) and i grew up with a emotional and physical abusive father and until this day he keeps being abusive.
When i visit home he behaves the same way he use to when i was a little girl.Impulsive,aggressive and raging, capable of exploding on any moment.
Last time i was there he almost throw a broom at me.I have very little hope(almost none) about him being able to change his behaviour.
Is saddest me to say this but i think my father is going to die as an angry and ranging man,he just doesn't want to give off the fight.
What the teacher should have said was, you can't force your wife to stay if she decides to leave for the weekend with her bad friend, even if you disagree. You can take other actions like talking to her when she comes back or going to counselling or breaking up lol.
Your gorgeous as heck
SOUTHERN simp
@@abigmla complement ain't bad I was begging for her attention ect
Yes
Man these guys are liars. Ill tell the truth of my wrongs. I punched her in the face and I scratched her and she packed her stuff up and left. I went to rehab and changed my situation. I proved to her that I would never take a drink again. Now we are happier than we've ever been because I don't drink and smoke hard drugs anymore. These guys are weak own up brothers who are I. The same situations as these guys. God bless.
you a real man's man. Admitting your wrongs and correcting them big up yourself
God bless you dude I'm so happy that you changed not only for yourself but also for her
Wow. So it is possible. Thank you. Bless.
After I was accused and charged it is hard to own it, appreciate you shining the light on what is possible to move forward. I'm sober, attending counseling, got a better job, and happier. Owning it is difficult but definitely necessary.
The way they tell the story of the abuses are so minimal it makes you question if they even feel guilty or emotions. If there’s a police report there is clearly a HUGE incident they don’t arrest people and report things for fun or make belief.So why can’t these men see their problem of violence.
Not true remorse anyway.
8:24 he talks about how much he 'cared about the child' but wheres his respect for the WOMAN WHO USED HER BODY TO CREATE A CHILD FOR 9 MONTHS. hes okay beating up the woman
men: 'we protect women, we earn the money and we're providers'
also men: 'i may have GENTLY tapped her on the shoulder, i dont really KNOW why i did that haha'
THIS!!!!
@@kirstendessner-sweeney5823 it these are certain people not Everyone does it
Doesn’t make it okay but doesn’t make it okay to generalize people
*Society: sexist on both sides. Society: loves to misinform.*
We should ALL be protecting each other, regardless of gender, women are NOT more special than men, men built society and died in wars to protect us, start respecting men!
Honestly these men look fairly reasonable to me, which tells me I’ve been in worse abuse than I realized.
Was thinking the same thing
I'm in the same boat. "Oh at least he only slapped her. Or threw something at her. Or screamed at them. Or intimidated them." and then I realized exactly what I felt. Its sad. Abuse is never okay.
Abuse can easily be normalized esp if it started in childhood
Keep in mind they are probably minimizing and not being honest about the real things they’ve done.
Yes- you have normalized it in order to cope
Yup, just never ever ever ever ever ever wanna be hit again by a narcassist. i almost brutally killed myself. after being attacked so many fucking times you begin to attack yourself, trusting no one not even yourself as a victim its really hard for "normal" people to understand. it is beyond what words can describe, an absolute nightmare
to be abused by someone you loved, and would have NEVER EVER EVER in a million years done that to them
The facilitator has the patience of a saint. It’s like watching a kindergarten class on “now kids, we don’t bully each other”.
Using Violence on someone definitely is NOT cool.
@Nether Bound , why?
Really the government uses violence on people every day.
I mean if its in self defense it should be fine
*People do that all the time and get away with it; they even promote violence and engrain into the minds of youth that have never been exposed to violence before. Nobody is violent by nature. Nobody is born violent. There are no violent babies.*
@@earlaweese you'd be suprised
These men seem immensely unhappy. It seems to me that they just want to release all that negative energy on someone, and they will target the closest and most vulnerable person near them.
You nailed it. For generations, society accepted angry men releasing their anger and disappointment on women and their families. Now women don't have to date/marry these trash-bag men and you're seeing an epidemic of single men and men releasing violence onto society. Women/children aren't taking the role of punching bags any more and these low-quality men need to find ways to handle their disappointment/anger
They are perfectly happy when their victims comply. They abuse because it gets them what they want. When they face real consequences, and when they lose their supply of victims, things change.
I hope that's not what you tell victims
my partner acknowledges his bad behavior and says he’s sorry for everything that happened but after a whole year of giving chances the damage is already done. I can no longer trust him.
i was in the same boat. stayed too long, he almost killed me earlier this year. fucking heartbreaking and demonic. they literally don't care or love anyone.
None of them are admitting to what they really did... or taking responsibility... so frustrating... Just like my dad. They're all like this... Ugh.
Yeah it’s the absolute worst. I’m so sorry.,
Some are too damaged to ever be able to recover.
Abusers do not change to non abusers
A person born without an arm, or lost their arm in an accident....... Is NEVER going to grow an arm. Once the first abuse takes place?
The arm is gone. It's that blank and white.
It's the abuse that makes them believe they are " real men" . It's never the target, or victims fault.
Never.
Remember, Men have their violence under voluntary control
i liked what the counselor said about minimizing because sometimes people don't realize how quickly the smaller things become dangerous or potentially fatal because of accidents etc.
Why do so many guys refuse to take responsibility for their actions? Stop making yourself into the victim. I believe people can change but you have to want to.
I wish the very best to all the guys in the program. Utilize your tools that you learned in the class. You can do it guys. Peace.
*They don’t have to take responsibility for their actions.*
The tools I've learned after owning it and going through counseling is this: The counselor knows the victim is hurt but the aggressor cannot shoulder all the blame, that's because there are many forms of abuse. The victim is usually verbally or mentally abusive to the physical abuser. This doesn't constitute hitting one another but it also speaks to the victim isn't allowed to get away with verbal/mental abuse either. It is next to impossible for the victim to realize this because the courts are certainly not going the help the physical abuser. Both parties need counseling, usually anger management. Shining light on the issues with the 2 people together get the most positive results. Hence why you get counselors involved, trained professionals.
I see a lot of frustrated, sad, and afraid men here. I hope they all get help and achieve peace.
Wow they don't think they did anything wrong
Bingo!....... Men who abuse women...lie on women... Rape women beat em....they dont think they are at fault. They believe they are innocent and good men.
*They didn’t. The society just doesn’t know how to prevent abuse from happening. They just have extensive experience at shaming. The society is sophisticated when it comes to shaming, but doesn’t do anything about preventing anything (ever). They love to show up AFTER the fact because they live for the theatrics and the arrogance that comes along with being in the audience and thinking that they’re better at all times and like they’re being beneficial to other human beings by looking with arrogant contempt.*
@@SumAnonymousAcapella *They aren’t at fault - the society is at fault. They let these things happen because they like to be violent and feel a sense of communion at “bringing the abuser down”. It’s a primate thing. They feel a social bond and use it to get closer to each other. They’ll even go as far as misinforming people and telling them that they should’ve known better just to feel another wave of collective arrogance. It’s human behaviour to not care about everyone.*
I’m only 30 seconds in; all I’m hearing is a bunch of excuses 🤦♀️
That’s all they will ever say... abusers only have excuses for their behavior and even blame the victim, they don’t want to take responsibility for what they did and when you stand up for yourself, they get offended.
I’m sure female offenders say the same thing.
False excuses... It's always like that. Their crime has some "reasonable excuse" which is never realistic. My advice is to get away from such people as far as possible... while you can! Because such people... they actually never change. They only put a new masks on their appeal.
Absolutely! 100% Don't let your good nature and looking for the good in people lead you down the road to death and ruin and endless pain, having memories that you really really don't want,
We need more men of integrity in this society.
Terrible how they make it seem like they only hit the woman once they talk as if they didnt beat the crap out of her. Thats sad
From being abused by both parents & fought by siblings I became numb to dv too. & I would let him come back around but I'm too familiar with dv but no more. Childhood trauma is too real. It's not our fault people didn't have good parenting skills. At the same time we have to heal because we'll hurt others.
Yess! 🙏🏼
My dad is still verbally and emotionally abusive to me and I am in my 40's. Stay away from people like this. It is better to stay single.
@@cyntiaangelie8157 I’m sorry to hear that but your right!
Men need to stop the violence against women. Y'all really need to stop and hold yourselves accountable!
Women need to stop the violence against men as well. But you're not ready for that conversation yet.
@@MichaelBrown-zp1sf I agree with you totally but this was not the place to comment that
@@bloodonmytongue5408 a woman I know was sitting in the backseat of her and her husband's SUV with their daughter who was an infant at the time. They had a disagreement about some trivial matter and while the father was driving on the interstate she took her foot and kicked him in the back of the head while he was driving at probably 65 mph.
Oh, the AAA BATTERY hit her arm and left a bruise....and the DA decided to proscecute. Another guy got arrested, HE SAYS, for dumping his wife's purse on her. "a little shoving...a little pushing." The biggest barrier to change, is all this denial, and minimizing of the abuse.
The ego defenses of these guys is strong. They can't be wrong or admit fault or mistakes. They rage and use violence to compensate for tbe shame and sadness they're stuck in from childhood. My mother and two exes were this way. It really is tragic but they can't be "loved" better
They deserve none of this sympathy
You don't get to hurt people and try to make people feel sorry for you
They need to experience 1 for 1 the pain they cause
It’s called prison
Maybe they have.
They're typical narcissists. They hurt others and then they act like the victim.
It wasn’t until I was 39 years old and entered my first AA meeting when I learned two valuable lessons. First, I must learn to unlearn. And number two is it is not them, it is me!
Both of those lessons have brought sobriety to my addictive self and my deep anger. Thanks be to God, I can now step back and see my fear that cowers behind my reactionary anger. Also, I can look at ME first and not what the other person is doing when my anger rises. I have not mastered this, but it comes to mind faster than before my first AA meeting. I now examine why the issue is making me mad and upset; what is it touching that causes internal pain?
Life is a work in progress, which we have to work at to actually enjoy life, in my opinion.
When heinous shit like this occures, it makes me blessed that my singlehood and average-looking features are a lifesaver.
You’re freaking beautiful
@@livinbliss5448 Thank you love and so are you. It's not daily when I receive compliments lije that, so when they do come, I accept them wholeheartedly. 🦋
Yes, you are! Beautiful 😍
@@annalo2820 You are so sweet and beautiful yourself. Thank you love. American beauty standards and social media can really mess up a person's confidence. I sometimes still struggle with disparaging my appearance from time to time. 👧🏽💛
@@alyssajones4368 you’re gorgeous, look out for you 😘
If we have women's centers, then we need men's centers, too. Men have issues that pertain specifically to them that could use a safe forum such as this one in which to discuss. Kudos to all at the table willing to take a hard look in the mirror.
Men are hated in today’s mass media
The thing about men's shelters is that there isn't a demand for them. Women are abused at such high rates that even the ones that exist never have enough room. Men's shelters would best exist in places like major cities, where there's more of a population that needs them.
Query: (Sorry if this was answered and I missed it) Do these guys have sponsors? It seems like many of them know when they might perpetrate violence. I imagine that, like w many impulsive or compulsive behaviors, it would be helpful if they had the opportunity to disengage and then call someone to help them calm down.
Men are being abused and murdered by other men.
@@Megan-rz4fc and women.
My ex grabbed my arms and pushed me away multiple times when I tried to hug him when he was raging. He doesn’t see it as abuse. It’s nice to see men actually in this program and working to change.
Well going to hug someone when they're clearly very upset maybe isn't a good idea - most people when they're angry don't wanna be touched.. not excusing him for pushing you away but i don't think i'd call that abuse.. he obviously just didn't wanna be touched when he was angry.. i'd say the same for anyone.. i get that you were trying to comfort him and make him feel better but that doesn't always work with some people.. also personally i wouldn't even attempt to hug someone if i knew they had anger issues and were experiencing an outburst, unless i knew i could trust that they wouldn't hurt me.
*Maybe he’s gay and didn’t want you hugging him.*
@@earlaweese Maybe. There was a lot more to it than that, but I always felt that that was a possibility.
The first guy had tears in his eyes...he has childhood trauma he needs to heal before he can stop reacting through violence. I hope he gets healing.
I am hopeful my husband finds strength in our creator to quit beating me, and anyone else for that matter.
Please move away from him
He will regret what hes done he will have flashbacks for all the times hes made you cry and get scared he will regret it all and see what he had with you was real you won't last you two will break up and you'll find somebody better and ik this because ive seen it.
Run, lady.
Alexis, please. Please heed the warnings from everyone here and *literally every other victim of abuse ever*. You can find various interviews, online accounts or even IRL accounts from them if you don't believe me. As well as insight from domestic violence experts and abuse counsellors.
Spontaneous change for the better by the abuser literally never happens. No amount of prayer, spiritual counselling or love or effort by you is going to affect that. HE HAS DEEP, ENTITLED justifications and beliefs in his mind on why he feels the *need* to hurt and control you as he does. Please contact a few of your most trusted friends or family, ones who you know will not encourage you to stay with him. And contact a domestic violence helpline stat for the safest and most practical advice on how to leave. I'm gonna be straight up, it's gonna be dangerous as he's already physically violent - he'll hate that you chose independence but trust me that independence and self-belief in yourself is WORTH IT. Make sure you do all this without him knowing, if he finds out he'll get enraged and up the control and violence.
Good luck to you, try to stay as safe as you can. xx
You also need to have strength to leave him , take accountability for your part in allowing this behaviour to continue on, you are not victim please help yourself.
I'm sure Grant's story went more like: he had a restraining order, he showed up and tried/threatened to take the child, his mother tried to drag her to safety and he beat her up.
Nice try though, pal.
A lot of useful information. Especially "character defects" never heard that before, but at least I learned something today from this video.
Same here
Abusers know abuse is wrong, they just don't think they are abusive
The man that said this is his third class doesn't realize hes so lucky cause hes learning how to get out of his head and prior beliefs , of life, the counsler said to him , intentions are irrelevant , and yes they maybe ... BUT also feeding self esteem is crucial he seemed to be carrying the burden that he is officially a fuck up. ..."This is my third time here". So he also needs encouragement, to keep going and to turn around his beliefs about himself being a fuck up, , about getting arrested etc. he is LUCKY BLESSED to have a class that was provided to him for the third time. the point of making sure he understands, what a blessed life. Seems like he is on his way. The counselor was right to point out that intentions are irrelevant, if what manifested from this behavior was violent and caused immeasurable suffering. great footage.
This was super interesting. Any chance to see more?
They gotta work through the excuses to get the core reasons. It’s good they have questions and excuses. At least they’re talking not throwing punches. They’re learning to communicate. And get it all out in language. And they’re in a safe place to work out those excuses and what they mean. I’m no different. I use food to control my circumstances and emotions. It harms myself and others. Not directly but definitely indirectly. We’re not any better. This class helped me work through some of my own issues unrelated to violence. But more self respect and respect for others
Makes me wonder what my dad's anger management class was like and how we can improve upon these systems. I'm surprised that two thirds of them don't reoffend.; that's more than I would have expected.
Being angry is not a choice, but abuse is
Well said !
I'm so glad the guy at 12:22 spoke up and said what he said.
Very interesting. Grant has clearly never
had such real talk spoken to him. That look, far out. I bet he went home and beat someone/something. Hands down to this therapist/facilitator, tough gig.
Reading Lonnie Athens book "The Creation of Dangerous Violent Criminals" sheds a lot of light on this subject. The process that Athens labels "violentization" encompasses 4 stages (brutalization, belligerency, violent performance and virulency). Athens was raised in an abusive home, was doing drugs and alcohol at an early age, committed juvenile crimes and went to jail, etc. He turned his life around. Very profound read. You can find him on UA-cam also.
This was really insightful and helpful, thank you.
*It wasn’t at all. It’s 15 minutes long and extremely superficial. It’s not deep.*
A room filled with Fragile men.
Host sounds like James Charles lol
In all seriousness though it seems like these men aren’t able to communicate effectively and as a result resort to intimidation and violence to get their way. It’s a pretty immature mindset, like a toddler throwing a tantrum at his mother because she bought him the wrong color shirt, except the toddler is a 200lb grown man who justifies it as “she bought me the wrong shirt so she deserves it, she should have known better” 🙄
I think a class like this could turn their whole lives around, some of these guys.
If they were adept communicators they wouldn't be in an anger management program. In all seriousness.
@@willhall8141 I guess I see what you mean. But first maybe they must each become aware of the feelings within themself that they are reacting to? You can't communicate what you're not yet seeing clearly.
Will Hall lol idk seems mostly like a mindset thing to me. Plenty of people out there with poor communication skills that are still somehow able to refrain from physically abusing their loved ones 😅
@@Hanapetals Right, and the ones who can't refrain should be in a class, getting their mindsets addressed. A class like the one shown above, for instance. The people with poor communication skills who don't resort to violence...? Well, their lives suck too and the lives of those around them are impacted, even if no one gets physically hurt. We could all learn from this kind of discussion.
I'm sorry but there's nothing "manly" about violence on your partners. Same with women. It's about reaction control.
That easy huh?
@@ineeddamoney No. It's not easy. People are people; they push buttons. One can only govern oneself. There's never a good reason to be violent.
Stephanie Siemens dont coddle him. Men have a hard time controlling their emotions when it comes to women: they are violent by nature. I have gotten into several heated arguments with my boyfriend and never got physical or threatened violence but he has threatened violence against me several times. I eventually left him because of a grown man can’t control himself I want nothing to do with him. Men statistically are known to be more violent and struggle with anger issues so they think it isn’t easy to control their reactions.
Xiao Mao! Women can be violent as well. Its not just men, so how can it be gendered? Theres probably just as many toxic/abusive women as their are men. It isn’t necessarily a manly trait or action to be abusive, it’s just that person. Not because of their gender, it’s just how that person is. Sorry if I misunderstood your comment.
beautypopper101 I don’t think men are necessarily violent by nature. I’m glad you got out of that relationship, but not all men are violent by nature so you shouldn’t be like “all men are violent. It’s in their ‘nature’” because it’s not necessarily, if that makes sense? Men are who they make themselves. It isn’t in their nature, it’s how they make themselves. It’s their own actions and not all men are like that so it can’t just be in their nature (sorry if this seemed rude and dumb-).
My ex went through DV classes twice. He is currently serving a 7 year stay in prison for DV against his new girlfriend.
That man and anyone who works groups like this are saints.
Our society has failed in so many ways. It’s unfortunate that it takes some people getting to groups like this before they are ever shown another way.
We are our brothers keepers. This is on all of us.
Does this have a part 2? It's really interesting and would be great to see if and how the men evolve.
Wow, this is really insightful. Great job! Is this part of a series or sth? Will there be a part 2?
Regulating emotions is difficult when you aren't given the tools, but before that can happen understanding self reflection and learning the triggers that set you off. Unresolved childhood trauma. It is not about faith it is about understanding that you cannot control another person you can only control how you respond. Healthy boundaries ,we
What a wonderful program. this is a great video. These guys are already getting better and getting managing tools.
My older brother used his dad for an excuse for years until he began to believe that his dad was a person that works for the cia and that those abuse skills for how to torture became nessacary. My younger brother is the same way. They rely on saying now that their dad is recreated for the CIA and that abuse is what women were made for. I try to push for our mothers out look and get them counseling. She even sees it.... It's sad. Our upbringing was horrible on the dads side. No excuses for behavior.
No,there isn’t any excuses.This CIA thing….was the Dad and stalker of people?
Was he a narcissistic person who data gathered on people to use the info against others?
I’m just wondering bc of his belief his Dad was CIA.
Thank you for this video. Shows a different perspective and shows there is help for abusers. I hope my husband gets the help he needs.
Throwing a remote after being physically abusive. How must the victim know, she reported it because as a repeat victim you can see the shift even before the abuse comes. When you're ready to get physical that is it, that is enough, and a victim can see when it happens
Iam a victim of abuse for 8 yrs and came here to help answer why he did this to understand.
Alls I heard was excuses and minimising.
That's exactly what my ex did / does .
He has been to these classes but still abused me . I went back numerous times in hope of change .
I see now he cant it's in built in his narcissist head .
Only thing he changed was to stop drinking wine and swap to gin .
Both evil potions for an already ticking time bomb .
You would think 3 times in court would scare a person . Nope !
He must be invincible and I was feeding his superior ego returning for more shite of him.
That's your own fault. You should have grown some self esteem and left. You did that to yourself by repeatedly coming back to him. You probably rejected a veritable plethora of decent, kind men because they weren't exciting enough to satisfy you.
The guy who threw the remote is minimising it, he lost it, full stop.sorry to judge, abuse bad but he probably was abused
I'm here commenting YEARS later. After a failed 9 years of marriage where I was emotionally and physically Abusing my at the time wife. Multiple jail stays and somewhere along the line I changed even just a bit. Now. About to get married again. And I have so many sleepless night. Stress filled and ridden with guilt at my past actions. Last few months I've felt myself getting that anger again. Over small stuff. Yelling and screaming. Borderline emotionally abusing. Idk what to do. I've had therapy. And I've been looking all over online for stuff gear specifically to the ABUSER THAT WANTS TO CHANGE. Be better. And there's basically nothing.
Choose your own happiness by being better. Spiral up by learning, reading, walking, exercise, breathing, etc. You don't have to forget but it is ok to forgive yourself. As hard as that might seem.
Honestly, I think your best option is to not marry again, at least not so soon and maybe live with the fact that you cannot get over your abusiveness and protect your future wife-to-be from being abused.
Almost 2 minutes into watching this and I know these monsters are telling bold face lies. They’ve all minimized their violence towards women. Who the heck goes to jail for throwing a remote control and the batteries hit the woman on the arm??? Such cowards. And what’s sad is that these beasts feel entitled to be near women! Of course, bc who else would they have around to abuse.
I wish there was a group like this where I live