It is eery how similar we are in terms of mindset and paradigm. So just like you I always had this great affinity for academical endeavours. I started studying physics and excelled in my first semester. I had a sharp mind, was quick witted and a great memory. Then from 15.07.2016 to 04.05.2017 I was living in a new apartment that had dangerously high formaldehyde levels. In ordinary people this exposure would not create any lasting effects, however I have a deficiency in one of the enzymes that is responsible for the metabolization of formaldehyde. The toxin acted in a neurotoxic way and caused a chemically induced encephalopathy. I developed chronic fatigue, brain fog, headaches, muscle spasms, paresthesia, loss of focus and concentration and memory and had a major sleep disturbances which resulted in me basically never being able to fully rest etc. Now after 1 and a half year I still haven't recovered and I am still facing an existential crisis on a day to day basis. Feeling inadequate, stupid and tired, while being overwhelmed by ordinary tasks. I always felt like intelligence was my defining attribute, now having lost that and knowing that I won't ever regain it, leaves me completely shattered. They way you cope with the effects of chemo brain really is admirable and I wish you all the best!
Hi Lifon. Thanks for sharing your struggles. Your comment really hit me. I'm so sorry to hear you had that happen to you and your body reacted the way it did. I'm even more sorry that your brain was damaged the way it was. I still deeply struggle letting go intelligence as my defining attribute. It's difficult when I see it as one of the "best" attributes in other people and something that I can't have for myself anymore. I understand that feeling of being completely shattered by this realisation that our brains have changed and not for the better. I'll likely make a more in depth video exploring my thoughts on intelligence because it's the one thing I still get emotional just thinking about. I become teary-eyed so quickly when I take a moment to think about my intelligence and what has or hasn't changed. This may not be of use to you... but something I have been working on has been redefining what 'intelligence' is and my desire to strive for it. I know that I cannot think as quickly as I could and performative displays of intelligence are hampered because of that. But I don't think my problem thinking skills have been damaged, that is if I have enough time to think the problem through. I need more time to do cognitively complex tasks... but does being slower at complex tasks mean I'm dumber? Even if I complete the task well? Who do I know in my social circles who I view as intelligent. What traits do they have? Do they have the media definition of intelligence (quick calculations, quick thinker, understands things easily) or do they have different more nuanced traits of intelligence? And the saddest thought of all... 'well maybe I am dumber. So what? What am I going to do about it? I have to adapt and survive. I can't cry about it every time I think about it.' Mmm... these are things I think about a lot. I'm trying to let go of a narrow definition of 'intelligence' and try to embrace wisdom more. And grittiness. I want to be seen as a survivor, a hard worker, relentless, insightful and wise. These are traits I'm proud to work on. Maybe I can't be the intelligent person I thought I was, the genius I would've loved to be, but I think I can be wise and think through things deeply the way wise people do. And even if I can't resolve problems quickly, I won't give up resolving a problem because I commit to my tasks and goals. I shouldn't be ashamed of taking 100 turns to get something right, even if it takes someone else 2 times to get it right. Their ability to get it right in only 2 times is a sign of intelligence. But my ability to try it 100 times until I get it right, without giving up, is a sign of endurance and grit. This is the stuff I see that really matters in the most inspiring, resilient, and successful people I know.
I am a cancer survivor. I know how scary it is and how real the fear of it returning is. I hope you are healed fully and your cancer never returns. If I felt a suspicious lump or prolonged swelling, I would make an earlier appointment. Please get checked.
Thank you for your concern Ashlie. Thankfully the swelling came down when I stopped being sick and now I can't find the suspicious lump that started my relapse fears. I let my doctor know and she wants me to monitor it for now. If I experience any more changes or swelling she'll arrange more tests for me immediately. This cancer scare stuff is terrifying. Thanks for commenting and I hope you're doing well.
Please let us know when the swelling goes down.....sending prayers and healing thoughts your way! My family and i feel so strongly connected to you, so you will be constantly in our thoughts until we hear!! Much love and prayers for wellness to you (and your boyfriend!) 💜💜💜 From your friends in Asheville, North Carolina
Thank you W Fowler for your sweet message. I will let you know as soon as the swelling goes down! I'm feeling much better today (Saturday) and I filmed this video Wednesday. I hope you and your family are doing well.
I posted an update video today. Thanks for your concern, I'm doing well. My doctor isn't concerned at the moment but wants me to keep monitoring my neck. I'm still booked in for a check up in February but will get some tests done if I feel any more changes.
Choosing survival mode. That’s amazing. I, too, have been “using” distraction or “studying” as a way of dealing. Finding the balance after (some self awareness) is hard. Just gotta practice the awareness and add more self compassion BEFORE the “reacting”. It’s all very hard for sure. The me that is before I go into a hospital or doctor is a different me than shows up after a couple minutes in the exam room. Lol it’s hard.
Thanks for sharing, A Remedy Project. It is really hard to practice self awareness. I like your addition of self-compassion, that's something really important to this discussion.
It is eery how similar we are in terms of mindset and paradigm. So just like you I always had this great affinity for academical endeavours. I started studying physics and excelled in my first semester. I had a sharp mind, was quick witted and a great memory.
Then from 15.07.2016 to 04.05.2017 I was living in a new apartment that had dangerously high formaldehyde levels.
In ordinary people this exposure would not create any lasting effects, however I have a deficiency in one of the enzymes that is responsible for the metabolization of formaldehyde.
The toxin acted in a neurotoxic way and caused a chemically induced encephalopathy.
I developed chronic fatigue, brain fog, headaches, muscle spasms, paresthesia, loss of focus and concentration and memory and had a major sleep disturbances which resulted in me basically never being able to fully rest etc.
Now after 1 and a half year I still haven't recovered and I am still facing an existential crisis on a day to day basis.
Feeling inadequate, stupid and tired, while being overwhelmed by ordinary tasks. I always felt like intelligence was my defining attribute, now having lost that and knowing that I won't ever regain it, leaves me completely shattered.
They way you cope with the effects of chemo brain really is admirable and I wish you all the best!
Hi Lifon. Thanks for sharing your struggles. Your comment really hit me. I'm so sorry to hear you had that happen to you and your body reacted the way it did. I'm even more sorry that your brain was damaged the way it was. I still deeply struggle letting go intelligence as my defining attribute. It's difficult when I see it as one of the "best" attributes in other people and something that I can't have for myself anymore. I understand that feeling of being completely shattered by this realisation that our brains have changed and not for the better.
I'll likely make a more in depth video exploring my thoughts on intelligence because it's the one thing I still get emotional just thinking about. I become teary-eyed so quickly when I take a moment to think about my intelligence and what has or hasn't changed. This may not be of use to you... but something I have been working on has been redefining what 'intelligence' is and my desire to strive for it. I know that I cannot think as quickly as I could and performative displays of intelligence are hampered because of that. But I don't think my problem thinking skills have been damaged, that is if I have enough time to think the problem through. I need more time to do cognitively complex tasks... but does being slower at complex tasks mean I'm dumber? Even if I complete the task well? Who do I know in my social circles who I view as intelligent. What traits do they have? Do they have the media definition of intelligence (quick calculations, quick thinker, understands things easily) or do they have different more nuanced traits of intelligence? And the saddest thought of all... 'well maybe I am dumber. So what? What am I going to do about it? I have to adapt and survive. I can't cry about it every time I think about it.' Mmm... these are things I think about a lot.
I'm trying to let go of a narrow definition of 'intelligence' and try to embrace wisdom more. And grittiness. I want to be seen as a survivor, a hard worker, relentless, insightful and wise. These are traits I'm proud to work on. Maybe I can't be the intelligent person I thought I was, the genius I would've loved to be, but I think I can be wise and think through things deeply the way wise people do. And even if I can't resolve problems quickly, I won't give up resolving a problem because I commit to my tasks and goals. I shouldn't be ashamed of taking 100 turns to get something right, even if it takes someone else 2 times to get it right. Their ability to get it right in only 2 times is a sign of intelligence. But my ability to try it 100 times until I get it right, without giving up, is a sign of endurance and grit. This is the stuff I see that really matters in the most inspiring, resilient, and successful people I know.
Wish you good luck
Thanks, Riddick. Take care!
HOW U DOING NOW,I HOPE U 100% FREE FROM THAT SUCKER!!!
I"m sure it's nothing but go to the Doctor soon as you can. Good to see you again be bless
Thank you Ethanshemar. Yes I will see the doctor soon to get my neck checked, just in case.
I am a cancer survivor. I know how scary it is and how real the fear of it returning is. I hope you are healed fully and your cancer never returns. If I felt a suspicious lump or prolonged swelling, I would make an earlier appointment. Please get checked.
Thank you for your concern Ashlie. Thankfully the swelling came down when I stopped being sick and now I can't find the suspicious lump that started my relapse fears. I let my doctor know and she wants me to monitor it for now. If I experience any more changes or swelling she'll arrange more tests for me immediately. This cancer scare stuff is terrifying. Thanks for commenting and I hope you're doing well.
Please let us know when the swelling goes down.....sending prayers and healing thoughts your way! My family and i feel so strongly connected to you, so you will be constantly in our thoughts until we hear!! Much love and prayers for wellness to you (and your boyfriend!) 💜💜💜 From your friends in Asheville, North Carolina
Thank you W Fowler for your sweet message. I will let you know as soon as the swelling goes down! I'm feeling much better today (Saturday) and I filmed this video Wednesday. I hope you and your family are doing well.
I posted an update video today. Thanks for your concern, I'm doing well. My doctor isn't concerned at the moment but wants me to keep monitoring my neck. I'm still booked in for a check up in February but will get some tests done if I feel any more changes.
Read the Denial of Death - it talks all about embedding oneself in distraction.
Blase Pascal also talks about distraction and its power.
Thanks for commenting, David!
Choosing survival mode. That’s amazing. I, too, have been “using” distraction or “studying” as a way of dealing. Finding the balance after (some self awareness) is hard. Just gotta practice the awareness and add more self compassion BEFORE the “reacting”. It’s all very hard for sure. The me that is before I go into a hospital or doctor is a different me than shows up after a couple minutes in the exam room. Lol it’s hard.
Thanks for sharing, A Remedy Project. It is really hard to practice self awareness. I like your addition of self-compassion, that's something really important to this discussion.
🙏