I find all the points you mentioned very important, but I believe the most important one is setting boundaries. Many, many women believe they should be “available” for men in all kinds of ways (choosing his clothes, serving him his food, going wherever he wants to go, etc) and they should say “yes” in all situations to parents, friends, husbands and children. It’s as if women “choose” to put everyone’s interests before their own. I say “choose”, because we don’t live the 19th century anymore and some women (even in western cultures) live to serve others and think that’s their obligation. Sometimes it’s not the husband who “demands” that she’s “obedient”, it’s her who truly chooses to obey to all his wishes. I see that in my stepmother, who does everything my father wants (he’s a kind person, but being a man, he takes advantage of this and she’s like his servant) and I also see this in the wife of my stepmother’s son. She is also a servant to her husband and two children. They do absolutely nothing and she does everything (she cooks for them, she does the laundry, she cleans, etc). I think that women sometimes also contribute to their own situation of being servants to their husbands and family, because they don’t want to set boundaries because they want to avoid arguments and confrontation. I’m saying this probably because I was raised by a strong mother and grandmother who didn’t allow anyone to diminish them and always stood up for themselves. ❤️🤎💙🧡💚🩷💜💛🩵🤎♥️
Hi Alexandra…your stepmom sounds like a typical Indian woman😳🤕 Actually, a lot of different cultures socialise women in this way😭 I feel your pain…unfortunately, all we can do is focus on our own healing journey. Yes…boundaries are super important but beneath that layer are our belief systems. If we don’t have discernment regarding the beliefs we allow into out lives/minds etc…we won’t be in alignment with ourselves, we are running off programming without even knowing 😳🤕😳🤕so…our beliefs will determine whether we choose to set boundaries or not. We may not even think we can because of those beliefs!! I’m going to make a video about unconscious agreements (that sounds a lot like what your stepmom is operating under)…and this can lead to trauma bonding, codependency etc. Once I realised what unconscious agreements are…game changer!!! If we look back a few generations even…we will uncover the most awful beliefs regarding women and children…and if no one in our lineage did the work, then those beliefs get downloaded into us 🤕🤕🤕😭😭😭 Yikes!! Wish we could chat in person but grateful we can connect this way. Big hugs 🥰
This was a very clear explanation, and I agree with Alexandra, who writes below about the importance of boundaries. But I think many women who act "available" are not choosing this role but were prepared for it during their childhood. Especially the eldest child/daughter. They're raised as a "help", an extension of the mother figure. Helping guard the younger children, doing chores, and helping in the general household. You were held responsible for the results. For many women born in the 50's, this was a standard way of living. Time to express yourself through art or any other creative form was sporadic. Unless you were an 'excellent' musician, painter, or sportsperson. But then you were to exercise/train for hours, again with minimal time for exploring other paths of creativity. In those days, you had to respect the hierarchy without a second thought. Children had no voice or maybe a tiny one. So, as a good child, you listened and nodded. You were passive. Or, as a naughty child, you had a "tantrum" or were disobedient. You were aggressive. I've never learned to be assertive because of the lack of communication between my mother and me. I've always been a people-pleaser because I was taught to be 'a good girl'. It was hard to raise my daughter and ensure I was doing it the right way, the 'unknown' way for me. I re-raised myself while raising my daughter. I did a good job saying it myself 😉.
Hi Martine…yes, as crucial as boundaries are, it’s the *belief* systems we were programmed with that determine when/how/if we set them!! That’s why the first step is looking at our belief systems. And I hear you about the way children were raised. Under toxic patriarchy, women and children are often lumped together and then, women would often replicate those patterns when raising children. It’s so thickly entwined …beliefs all inside one another like a huge ball of yarn🤕 And yes…for me as well…raising my daughter had me confronting my own beliefs and then starting to do the work largely because I didn’t want to pass down generational traumas. And I often say that giving birth, birthed me as well! So glad to have you on this journey, sister 🥰
I find all the points you mentioned very important, but I believe the most important one is setting boundaries. Many, many women believe they should be “available” for men in all kinds of ways (choosing his clothes, serving him his food, going wherever he wants to go, etc) and they should say “yes” in all situations to parents, friends, husbands and children. It’s as if women “choose” to put everyone’s interests before their own. I say “choose”, because we don’t live the 19th century anymore and some women (even in western cultures) live to serve others and think that’s their obligation. Sometimes it’s not the husband who “demands” that she’s “obedient”, it’s her who truly chooses to obey to all his wishes. I see that in my stepmother, who does everything my father wants (he’s a kind person, but being a man, he takes advantage of this and she’s like his servant) and I also see this in the wife of my stepmother’s son. She is also a servant to her husband and two children. They do absolutely nothing and she does everything (she cooks for them, she does the laundry, she cleans, etc). I think that women sometimes also contribute to their own situation of being servants to their husbands and family, because they don’t want to set boundaries because they want to avoid arguments and confrontation.
I’m saying this probably because I was raised by a strong mother and grandmother who didn’t allow anyone to diminish them and always stood up for themselves.
❤️🤎💙🧡💚🩷💜💛🩵🤎♥️
Hi Alexandra…your stepmom sounds like a typical Indian woman😳🤕 Actually, a lot of different cultures socialise women in this way😭 I feel your pain…unfortunately, all we can do is focus on our own healing journey.
Yes…boundaries are super important but beneath that layer are our belief systems. If we don’t have discernment regarding the beliefs we allow into out lives/minds etc…we won’t be in alignment with ourselves, we are running off programming without even knowing 😳🤕😳🤕so…our beliefs will determine whether we choose to set boundaries or not. We may not even think we can because of those beliefs!!
I’m going to make a video about unconscious agreements (that sounds a lot like what your stepmom is operating under)…and this can lead to trauma bonding, codependency etc. Once I realised what unconscious agreements are…game changer!!!
If we look back a few generations even…we will uncover the most awful beliefs regarding women and children…and if no one in our lineage did the work, then those beliefs get downloaded into us 🤕🤕🤕😭😭😭
Yikes!! Wish we could chat in person but grateful we can connect this way. Big hugs 🥰
@ ❤️❤️❤️
This was a very clear explanation, and I agree with Alexandra, who writes below about the importance of boundaries. But I think many women who act "available" are not choosing this role but were prepared for it during their childhood. Especially the eldest child/daughter. They're raised as a "help", an extension of the mother figure. Helping guard the younger children, doing chores, and helping in the general household. You were held responsible for the results. For many women born in the 50's, this was a standard way of living. Time to express yourself through art or any other creative form was sporadic. Unless you were an 'excellent' musician, painter, or sportsperson. But then you were to exercise/train for hours, again with minimal time for exploring other paths of creativity. In those days, you had to respect the hierarchy without a second thought. Children had no voice or maybe a tiny one. So, as a good child, you listened and nodded. You were passive. Or, as a naughty child, you had a "tantrum" or were disobedient. You were aggressive. I've never learned to be assertive because of the lack of communication between my mother and me. I've always been a people-pleaser because I was taught to be 'a good girl'. It was hard to raise my daughter and ensure I was doing it the right way, the 'unknown' way for me. I re-raised myself while raising my daughter. I did a good job saying it myself 😉.
Hi Martine…yes, as crucial as boundaries are, it’s the *belief* systems we were programmed with that determine when/how/if we set them!! That’s why the first step is looking at our belief systems.
And I hear you about the way children were raised. Under toxic patriarchy, women and children are often lumped together and then, women would often replicate those patterns when raising children. It’s so thickly entwined …beliefs all inside one another like a huge ball of yarn🤕
And yes…for me as well…raising my daughter had me confronting my own beliefs and then starting to do the work largely because I didn’t want to pass down generational traumas. And I often say that giving birth, birthed me as well! So glad to have you on this journey, sister 🥰
@sorayanulliah, I am the happy one! I was initially attracted by your vibrant colours, but you won me over with your words and wisdom. Thank you!
Oh Martine🥹…you are too sweet. Right back at you 😘
@@martinelateste4558PS also…thank you for letting me know I made sense because sometimes I wonder if I’m just rambling on 😅🤣