How Covert Narcissists Provoke Reactive Abuse In YOU
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- Опубліковано 28 чер 2024
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I hate that it’s even called “reactive abuse”. It’s more like self defense out of pure desperation. I was never reactive until I couldn’t not take it anymore. Sometimes it took weeks or months of abuse before I became reactive.
I think its healthier that we react quicker, (after being so good at tolerating abuse) but then its a matter of finding ways to buffer our reactivity. When we feel that anger well-up, we can employ techniques like counting to 10, taking several deep breaths etc to put that small amount of time before we open our mouth and expose how rattled we might be to the abuser. Of course, if possible, leaving the company of such people once identified, is the best form of defense and self-protection.
Exactly 💯, and finnaly when you do react there like see you do this all the time and we're like smh wtf
Reactive response! it’s not abuse for them, for them it’s feeding their dark hole! It brings them comfort(weird monsters) They love pushing you out of your character. It’s what they NEED
👏👏👏👏👏
I agree they should rename that , since I’ve been away from him , I don’t have that issue , it’s not really me !
If you are in this please be aware: emotional abuse is domestic violence.
I wish the courts recognized it better :(
@@DahliaBrynnI do, too. 😢
I was so blind to this
Yes! It is domestic violence. Also, abuse is abuse! No matter what kind of abuse, it is still abuse. They say covert narcissists are just like child molesters. Think about it for a minute. They are just the same.
Evan Stark wrote the book ,(the play book) on how men and women abusers use coercive control on their partners and intimate harems. It's IPV _ interpersonal violence and many of us were raised in it _ we learned _ it's in our bones_and once u get some education and insights on it _ you are gonna see it everywhere _ you gonna feel it everywhere. Happy Feelings for everyone 😊.
This is the most what I hate, because narcissist loves to provoke and completely destroy ones life
Ones I stood up for myself, against the provokations of the narcissist, they made me the villian and worked overtime to destroy my reputation by making me look crazy when reacted against their provokations. I have to admit that I overreacted a few times because I took it for decades and ones I stood up, I sometimes went too far calling the narcissist evil and the devil.
The narcissist in my family would do this until people got reactive so they could say to others “look at what terrible family members I put up with… woe is me!”
My brother did this to me, he would provoke and terrorise me just before our parents arrived. I would react and he would tell everyone in the family that something was wrong with me. I thank God for getting me out of that situation, I felt like I was losing my mind.
I reacted once. When I saw myself, and how far I had been pushed to react, I ended my relationship with the ex-narcissist.
Good for you!
@@donnahaynes2325 Thank you for that. I have beaten myself up for that reaction, it was so out-of-character.
I wish I had ended it sooner after the first time they pushed me to breaking too.
@@mthew6721 Its more complicated than measuring it solely by our reactive breaking point. The important thing for us is to learn these signs, to be kind and forgive ourselves for not understanding narcissism, and to heal with time and education. Then, stay free! I hope that you are well.
Can we reframe this as "abuse reactivity"? We are reacting to their intentional abuse because we can only take so much abuse before we crack.
Thank you.
Nah. We can't be delusional like the narc. Abuse is abuse. No matter the cause.
I agree. The term reactive abuse is not an accurate description.
Yes. It's not abuse, it's basically self defense.
@@JaelH7 That's exactly it. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to be mistreated.
REACTING TO ABUSE IS NOT ABUSIVE!!
REACTING TO ABUSE IS NOT ABUSIVE!!
REACTING TO ABUSE IS NOT ABUSIVE!!
REACTING TO ABUSE IS NOT ABUSIVE!!
REACTING TO ABUSE IS NOT ABUSIVE!!
REACTING TO ABUSE IS NOT ABUSIVE!!
It is self preservation!
Stop calling the abused person an abuser!
When a narcissist pushes you to the point of having to explode, because all that emotion (energy IN motion) builds up to the point that you have to let it out, they get exactly what they want!!! So HOW is that abuse???
Good point. Giving someone what they want is not abuse.
@@raven4090
Thank you!! I wish they would stop using that term. The abused are abused enough without being falsely called an abuser.
@@heavenlygrandma9992 I wish they would too. Using that term is a form of DARVO. IMO.
@@raven4090
Well, it is kind of turning it around on to the abused.
Okay everybody let's manifest that term going away. lol
Not much triggers me anymore, but that term does!
@@heavenlygrandma9992 That's what DARVO means. It stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It's when narcissists turn the abuse around and make people think they are the victim and the victim is the abuser.
I learned this as a teenager: the sooner I went berserk, the sooner Mom backed off. She trained me to have a short fuse... I'm still recovering.
My adoptee mother actually enjoys the moments where I can’t endure all the abuse anymore so she sits and smirks but whenever I’m quiet or talk trying to reason she’s stonewalling me
My own brother did this to me. Kept pushing my buttons when I was living with him. I blew up like never before. So much I wanted to s@oot him. He continued to torment me for months. Stole from me, sued me, and destroyed my furniture! Im angry, I'm heart broken. Trying to heal. I'm out. A friend said every family has drama. Drama?! Demonic! Always have been the scapegoat. He knew i wouldn't fight or return evil for evil. God WILL repay him. I WILL watch.
25 years I kept myself under control. When I realized I was getting to the point where I wanted to hurt her feelings, I would tell her, just go to bed....I tried to create distance. I endured every insult, every repudiation of my character and motives, every mockery of my interests, I still didn't want to go there. I tolerated the smacking, shoving etc. Something changed in me when I realized it was not all me and that she was projecting on me. I stopped accepting her narrative. I started pushing back against the gaslighting. In my 26th year with her, I broke my fundamental rule. She smacked me one night and I smacked her back. I swore I would never hit a woman before I ever met her because my dad was abusive with my mom. I kept that promise for 25 years. It broke my soul when I crossed that line. It tormented me even after I left but I have finally learned about reactive abuse. I promise, there is no vow or promise a Narcissist cannot get you to break. It hurts even typing this but it is true. They will take EVERYTHING from you.
my firend i know exactly what u mean just that im 8 yrs into this abusive marriage. and same, i came from a similar background to you and always say to myself to never harm a women, even tho the torture i go throu nearly drives me to the point i loose my senses due to the mental and emotional abuse. im only still with her as we have very young kids, and it breaks my heart to leave them with her everyday i have to go to work as she is just unstable :(
@MrBluedude33 I left 8 months ago. She effectively convinced my kids that she is the victim and that I abandoned her (even though I told her I wanted a divorce then she kicked me out). I haven't seen them in over 7 months because she claims they don't want to see me.
Trust me. They will take everything.
I can't tell you what to do but I can warn you, what you are going through will get worse. I wish you well.
@@thegridrunner9976 when the time comes there will be no way i will left her keep the kids, i have proof of her ridiculous behaviours on to me as well as the kids. so if she tries to take them away from me, she has another thing coming by exposing the narc that she is
i hope you see your kids now though and that they know you love them very much
It’s like you’re so full of justified rage…you know you need to protect yourself.
The more she keeps provoking me, the more I'll keep my distance from her.
I have to not respond for 48 hours, if it all. I want to be off their radar and control every response so I don’t make a good target. It’s grey rock to the extreme - I call it empress energy. I’m not fawning - I’m not beneath them I’m above such energy now. I’m so glad I’m free. I still have to parent with him but I refuse to let him see he got the best of me even if he did. It’s like blood in the water and I refuse to be a victim or give them the satisfaction.
The covert is the most dangerous snake 🐍
Man, you really know your business!! That was a great explanation about the narcissist mind "Trick" they use on people. One thing I would like to add is, on a subconscious level the narcissist is trying to "get rid of" all the emotional discomfort that they feel inside.
Omg! You just nailed this one! 10 stars for this video girl! This is exactly what happened to me.
! Has turned me into somebody. I don't like or want to be any longer! And the part where you said they will delete everything that happened in between from who you used to be to who you are now is also hitting the nail on the head......🤦👍 Thank you for always helping us with your videos..❤
I was called Jekyll & Hyde. That hurt me so much. I'm normally a reasonable, chilled person. ONLY with her was i reactive & hated myself.
I didn't recognise myself and spent hours apologising ... but then i suddenly realised i was pushed so far... and i was apologising for her continually hitting me with a stick
I have reacted badly to being gaslit. I can recognize now looking back that I WAS being gaslit, but at the time I didn’t see it. I thought it was me who was the problematic person despite them belittling my feelings, straight up lying about the facts of certain situations and twisting it to suit their self image. It’s true, I was reactive, but I now can see that I was so shocked and confused and hurt by the constant invalidation, nitpicking and denial that I wasn’t able to handle things maturely. The worst things I said were all rooted in truth- which was that this person was taking out their deep insecurities on me. I wish I could go back and stand up for myself in a better way than just telling them they are insecure, but I can only move forward now. I know how I resolve conflict in my healthy relationships, and I’m relieved to be rid of that chaos.
You end up holding everything in so that you don't give the narcissists the satisfaction of knowing that there getting to you~ that you end up taking it out on some poor innocent soul later. This is why therapist always say not talking about your feelings and holding things in is the most unhealthy thing you can do.
That's what is not understood:
The abuse from the passive-aggressive covert narcissistic husband on a daily basis made me react the instant his rot mouth made a sh-tty-ass comment to me because it's constant and therefore all the abuse is overlapped, (not discussed because he walks away and is NEVER resolved). So, the overlapping of abuse will cause an instant reaction to happen like a "to be continued" horror movie over and over again of constant abuse." Your nerves are raw from being dug at, as if your skin got ripped off exposing the tenderness of your flesh to the air. It's so painful. So here comes the covert narcissist, squeezing lemon or shaking salt on your uncovered flesh.
My wife knew how to push my buttons constantly by moving the goal post, finding something sensitive to bring up from my childhood in toxic abusive way, gaslighting me & people I care about.
She found ways to get me to react; I ended up kicking myself whenever I lost control of my emotions when she picked at me during her rages. Drove me nuts.
I always wondered how she could cause me to react to her negative behavior; she knew exactly when to do it, and how to do it to me every time I thought I had myself resolved not to respond or react to her behavior.
When she would get in my face during her rages, she would instantly shred my emotional defenses; then “Pow!”
I would lose it. Then she would go instantly calm, and I would look like the abuser. This became “maddening” for me over the years. (I ended up with CPTSD and my nervous system was constantly on override. Sucked!)
I would feel crappy afterwards and appalled & ashamed & embarrassed by how I behaved. I would recall everything each time.
I told myself many times that she would not get me to do that again; guess what? She always found a way to get me to a level where I did not want to go.
This type of behavior screwed me up in so many ways. I started having “migraines, anxiety and other mentally distressing ailments”.
I feel you bro, got the same thing with my ex wife.
Everything you said is spot on. I just had a blow out at my Narcissist ex partner. We are living in the same house until the end of this month. He is making me ill. Together for nearly 7years and over 6 of the seven I have put up with him. I am scared because I am having suicidal thoughts because of the stress he is causing me, I already suffer with anxiety and depression from childhood trauma and he has made it worse and he knows this and won't stop. I actually hate him. Pray for me please. Hadiyah
Honey don’t abandon yourself , that’s what he wants , get mad get out , and love yourself , these creeps are not worth your beautiful soul
@@ellasladek3124 Thank you. The situation just wears you down. But yes, I have 2 weeks before he leaves surely I can get through that, I hope so. X
@@hadi20233Same for me. 2 weeks. She's pulling out all the stops, trying so hard to get us to react before that day comes. I refuse. The gray rocking is depriving her of her supply, so she's reaching out continually to anyone and everyone she can get ahold of to get her fix. Even people who have caused great pain. I will pray for you, as you asked. I pray desperately for us both😥🫂🛐
Dear God in heaven, I thank You for giving us the strength to endure. Oh how we need Your grace to make it thru. I thank You for letting their wickedness be their blindness. Them, and any flying monkeys they're summoning as we speak. If they refuse to see and acknowledge the truth, then let them see nothing at all. Let them not see our plans. Try as they might to study our every move. Continue to hide us in Your holiness as You've done since I was young. I thank You for the eyes to finally see, and we do see. I thank You that no demon in hell is able to hide from our sight, now that You've revealed the truth to us. Father I thank You for pouring out Your comfort, Your mercy, Your tender compassions, on all of us who are being worn down. Farther than our breaking point. Farther than we ever thought we could possibly go. And I bind up the spirit of death and suicide and I come against them with all authority given me, in the Mighty Name of Jesus Christ. They will not have the last say over our lives. Father, Your Son Jesus came that we might have life, and have it more abundantly. So I thank You for the life that we are free to receive in Him, and I speak life and love over us all. In Jesus Beautiful Name. Amen🙏🏻❤️🩹🫂
This is one of the most maddening things to experience. He hates himself too, don’t let him steal your light. Sending you love and strength..♥️
@@Birdeexlover312 Thank you, much appreciated XxX
Walking on eggs in fight or flight mode is hell on earth. The only solution to the problem I was able to find was no contact. It works.
You're completely on target 🎯 outstanding content.
I agree. No Contact got me out of that too. Give Thanks for Michelle. She survived this too only to help everyone else who had the misfortune to have this experience. Blessings Michelle!
I’ve been dealing with this for years and I’m done with this and have realized this will never work. I’m tired of regulating me, because he is nut case.
spot on, after 6 years and the 4th major discard, no contact now for 2 months and her exact accusation was that I am always aggressive and lying and manipulating and all I want for her is to hoover me 😢
This why I cringe when a meet someone new and they go out of their way to comment about how nice I am. That sends a ping to the bottom of my gut.
I called my mother a dog few days ago for the first time out of reactive abuse i was so upset like what she made me to say like that i don't even call my friends or anyone a single bad word because of my parents they are very good at calling bad words i don't want to be like them and this happened i was going to apologise her but now i know thankyouu for sharing this she is indeed what i called her💙
I'd love to see a discussion about this kind of abuse when it's coming from a Parent and a Sibling...I've had to completely cut of ties with my mom and sister.
Spot on. This experience and existence shaped my development into an adult. I've recovered by going to 12 Step meetings, studying social sciences, and listening to professionals on UA-cam.
Your very good at making this stuff clear Michele. I have felt guilty for so long for my out of control behavior. But it is true. I am human.There was only so much I could handle. Thank you for your explanation.
I know all about being provoked. So happy that I went no contact
Am now labeled mentally unstable
My reaction was to call her out. That made her even more ambitious to finding me in the wrong. But I wasn’t. She couldn’t accept that and so she devalued me and discarded me as the result. It’s that simple. These people seem fine for awhile but then when things change, it doesn’t matter how ‘good’ you are anymore. To them all that matters is if they can manipulate your subconscious to their advantage. Or goodbye.
I always start crying because I feel like my world is crashing down. A simple conversation can escalate to him yelling and demeaning me. Then he tells me I have something wrong with me because I cry so much. Any ideas on how to keep from crying and staying strong?
I identify with this...I can be so upset and angry then start crying.
Remove yourself. Go to restroom or another room. Don't let them see your reaction.
Cheating was the tipping point for me. However I still allowed him 3 1/2 years to backpedal, gaslight, stonewall, and eye roll his way in an emotional tug of war that has left me weak, numb and dull. I finally picked myself up a few months ago and I’m taking that next step even though my knees are knocking. I am keeping this video for times I hear that persistent voice telling me to ‘be nice, let it go’…3 1/3 years summed up in a 5 min video. Wow. Only someone who truly knows what this feels like could relay it so well! Grateful beyond words🙏❤️
That's really interesting; I knew my toxic ex when I was with my kid's dad, and he always used to say I was too easy going with my ex, and I should insist on more, to which I would just say that nothing is worth the emotional cost of arguing with someone for weeks, whatever the outcome... he must be quite annoyed that that didnt mean that I just let people have it how they want it 😂
I had to go with my x to downtown yesterday... He, sure enough, gaslighted and stonwalled me as much as he could... Then ignore me deliberately the list goes on. It is very hard for me to not get veey upset and quite frankly to not punch him in the face a few times.. Not that I did. I lectured him, like normal, and he gaslight and stonealled the whole time.. But I used the moment to lecture.. It is hell on earth. We walked arou D beautiful people... While I am lecturing him under the guise of talking to him.. And he is ignoring me.. No one noticed. But I was starting to get mad...
I realize now.... I was walking around being punched, and slapped... No wonder I felt the way I did!! He punches and slaps me all over the place and all over the board... Just with passive agressive /reactionary abuse.. These guys are monsters to the core of their being.
All of what you said makes sense, yet I need to understand from the perspective of being conditioned this way as a child. My covert narc mom would ( I'm not actually sure how she would rile my dad up to come and fight with me when she had felt a slight from me) get my dad to come and fight with me causing me to have a shock response and react in anger. I became patterned to react in anger when people shocked me and then to apologies expecting it to always be accepted as this is what my mom had wanted all along to show how horrible myself and my father were and to get me to apologies for what ever she felt hurt her feelings and she would let up so I got a break. Unfortunately other people don't accept this behaviour for ever and I blew up many many relationships with friends, work and romantic until the point I stopped working and no longer want a romantic relationship. I have felt this is just who I am and in some ways it is as this is how I am patterned.
The way you explain the different situations its just amazing! I have learned and healed so much through your videos, thank you just isn't even enough 🤗
I got better at not get into reactive abuse, but still it is not easy for sure!
Such a great video thank you 🌈🌈God bless you 🌈🌈
I'm in this cycle as well
my ex wife favourite weapon against me. to the point she tried to get me arrested 5 times by triggering me. now i made a vow of silence against her and he tricks no longer works anymore
I hope you are not still with this demon monster? Or you have to associate because of children?
My “wife” called the police on me several times. I would have to leave the house because if the police would have saw the marks on me or the welts on my head she would have went to jail. I saved her from jail multiple times.
I did not know this. I did not know this at all
Both my parents are covert narcissists. I'm autistic. They weaponized my sensory issues against me. We're estranged.
She's doing God's work with this one! Wow I wish i knew this years ago...
Brilliant, Wow, you explained this so well, Michelle, and like i have not heard before! The exchange of the narc's internal negative emotions becoming mine, and my calm becoming theirs - the conditioning by switching from provocation to calm in order to reward the reactive behaviour in order to be able to generate it at will... talk about Pavlov's dog!!!! Absolutely terrifying and evil!
Thank you. This makes so much sense. ❤
Amazingly true
Thank you for making this video… It was clear, to the point and specific.
Wow that was really good thank you
I am so glad I did not further into a certain family situation......I'm sure it would have ended badly.
Still have a slow fuse…and know what I say so I reign it in but not gonna get treated like that anymore
My npd mother goaded me into recting then took me to anger management as a kid. The problem child she got to fix.
Damn it is sooo much harder for a man after getting destroyed during our prime years by a narc. Broke woman can get a husband but it doesnt work the other way around. And in this economy it literally takes years to afford a house, wife, and kids when your already 40. I hate my upbringing sooo much it destroyed my life. I may as well be dead already.
❤
Thanks you for this information. I have this video set to HD but its still blurry and low res.
it’s so annoying when done through text and they can screenshot things out of context to send to other people
I'm 63. I just got out of a 4-year relationship with a 70-year old covert narc. I was blindsided at what I was dealing with. I can't believe I didn't hear of this before. Please keep spreading the word...they are out there!
🙏🥰🙏🥰🙏
Sad reality, he would push me to react crazy, looking back at it I would pull my hair and hurt my self. Meanwhile he would just stare with a smirk. I even stared to have nightmares of him hurting me.
They all have that “smirk”. It’s absolutely disgusting to see that the pain they cause gives them so much pleasure.
I don't understand what fawning is...I'll look that up. The rest is all too familiar.
It's called self defense.
1:53 Its painful that after decades of conditioning, the created short fuse gets conflated by casual interlopers in gang stalking as "proof" of the REVERSAL of roles. I was targeted out of hate, and the pain of having my normal freedoms in life utterly removed from me while being ravaged and voyeuristically raped while mocked for not being able to stop the involuntary and manufactured downward spiral has scarred me for life.
I no longer see ANYONE as fully human, as pretty much EVERYONE IN MY WORLD has been turned into a participant in this covert crime.
They STARTED IN ON ME IN THE FIRST PLACE BECAUSE THEY INSISTED ON CHANGING ME THRU THIS DECADES LONG LYNCHING!
My Narcissistic mother makes me respond to her constant badgering this way.
These people want desperate connection to be able to do that they know what people like for example if you like peace they will threaten that if you want no fight they will keep provoking you until you fight ....real evil
All the people who support them and yield to tjere gaslighting are also narcissists covert narcissist
.evil network of people a cult in reality
They will justify there evil even try to kill the victim ..to cover up from others there abuse...
This hurts so bad i feel so bad for doing this to my fiance but he's literally changed me for the worse. I hate to say it but it's true and i love him but i can't do it. He makes me feel trapped and used and like i can't have emotions even though I'm genuinely going through so much in my life and so is he. All i want is for him to help me and work together on our life as we should be if we are going to be married. But he just never actually follows through and turns it around on me and makes me feel insane because this legit is EXACTLY what happened to me growing up. He knows it. I tell him my triggers while we are fighting because this relationship has made me finally realize that i am a victim. I don't like to admit i am a victim but i am. I know i can act inappropriate but i have chronic medical issues, a surgical complication due to endometriosis, and also severe mental illness that i am trying to deal with. Our best friend died randomly in 2023. Our other best friend got shot at a bar when he didn't do anything wrong. He did not die thank God. But my fiance knows i have PTSD, he has known since before we started dating. And all this crap is happening and he's not showing me any affection or physical comfort and i NEED IT. I never realized how much i need it. Because before him i was fine alone. I was doing so good. My life was finally on the upswing and now I'm about to lose my job and can barely do anything without having a panic attack and I'm so embarrassed and ashamed that even tho i go to therapy and a psych and they KNOW about my past abuse i feel like i cannot talk to them about it. I feel like I can't talk to anyone because I've been through genuine SERIOUS TRAUMA (hostage situation/home invasion by my mom's psycho boyfriend more than once as a kid/teen). I feel like everyone thinks I'm always making this shit up or I'm playing the victim so i try so hard to be calm and downplay but when he's not here I'm so much better off. I feel constantly triggered by him because he expects ZERO CONFLICT TO EVER EXIST DESPITE EVERYTHING I JUST DESCRIBED. I'm so confused and i am on the ground begging him to please give me comfort and help me feel safe i am so scared and confused and he stands there and will coldly tell me I'm insane, too sensitive, that he had no idea what I'm talking about, he can't talk to me bc I'm too hostile, he feels I'm unapproachable. While I'm literally on my knees begging him to tell me what's wrong. I finally got him to admit that he doesn't really want to be with me. I have been saying for over a year that I'm so sorry for my reactions and that i don't expect him to deal with it because it's not anyone's job but i do expect some kind of comfort like he doesn't even cuddle me, ever. Unless he wants sex but thankfully he's nice so he doesn't force me to have sex. But i never try to cuddle him bc he cannot cuddle without it escalating to sex. He didn't understand why this hurts me so much. And turns it around on me. But I'm done. I'm not the abuser because i am having major panic attacks and breakdowns due to his emotional neglect. He's verbally abusive too but he gets away with it because he doesn't yell. He gets more calm and snide the more upset i get
Please change the thumbnail to this video. Don't feed stereotypes.
This is nonsense honestly… don’t know where u get this general idea about all victims, but you are not a therapist. You may have had mental issues but not all victims do … don’t generalise 🥱
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