Great quote indeed. I struggled a lot in my relationship with a narcissist as my sense of what’s reasonable and healthy was under constant attack. It’s easy to fall in the trap because they’re so convincing and brutal in how they try to sway you into accepting their twisted view on things is natural.
@@JohanIsraelsson they erode your self worth with criticism, put-downs and blame, and then shame you for insecurity, lack of confidence or fear, under the guise of concern. You make excuses for them, hoping the relationship will go back to when it was "good". As Dr C says, "Believe what you see and make your adjustments accordingly. "
@michelepascoe6068 Seeing the pattern objectively for what it is is difficult enough, especially if you were raised "understanding" the dysfunction as normal. Then, after you see it, you have to understand that a) it will never change, and b) you don't have a relationship with this person. You aren't a person to them; you're an object, a thing they cultivate so they can use you for their own energy and discard/punish when you show your personhood. Both these steps were very painful and difficult, still are at times.
I lead a life of isolation these days. It's the only way for me to have peace of mind. I just want to be left alone. Too much has happened for too long a time, and I don't even want to go out.
When you notice some tearing someone or tearing you down to build them self up Avoid , Avoid ! Pinch yourself if you have to to wake up and get away asap
I really don’t think hate is sustainable. After a period of hatred, you begin to realize the only one being affected is you. The goal is complete indifference.
I love your calmness. THERE ARE MANY people out there teaching about narcissism, but it's only you Sir who never confuses us and we feel the calmness in our hearts and souls that is reaching out to us through your videos! I pray for you Dr C😢your are a kind person. ❤One of a kind❤
I have to have contact with mine. I never look forward to seeing or speaking with her and avoid it for as long as practical. When I do have to visit, I have a list of tasks I need to perform and a professional-style "shell" the whole time I'm there: I offer no personal info, don't attempt to fix problems outside the scope of my tasks, and I leave as soon after I'm done helping as I can without being rude.
Oh my gosh! I sit outside and if he comes out I panic, like major anxiety as I fumble for the mute button! Now use headphones so he doesn't gather more fuel to fire at me. When I was openly going to therapy he would make snide remarks and you could see the smugness within him and even on his face. But I continue to learn, and grow, and feel better....
I like to play the video’s really loud… it’s taken me 9 years and a 7 year old little girl-my miracle. I’m not going to allow her to think that any of this is ok or normal. I am working on a plan because she deserves better and so do I. I’m 44 and she nor I have 9 more years to live like this. Thank you Dr. C. I believe in kindness and im doing my best to show my baby right from wrong. You are helping me so much ❤
My youngest is in it for another 5 years. He stood up to it but I foolishly convinced him to get back in it. I thought I was doing the right thing. Then again doing the right thing is sometimes wrong. Crazy making and exhausting, this is!
@@alyssaleatham8544 being a parent is hard!!! Especially when it comes to something like this. We don’t want to take anything or anyone that they love from them. You have a great hard and you’re doing your best. Never forget that the other parent caused this and it’s not your fault 🖤
Plan your work, work your plan. Find freedom. For her. For you. Perhaps find someone you trust to review your plan to give better perspective and oversight. Rooting for you (& your miracle) and your success.
YUP! I even CALLED my ex's therapist WHILE he was yelling! I called his PARENT's WHILE he was YELLING! They took HIS SIDE! I did NOT realize HOW BACK STABBING and underhanded this FREEK WAS! He convinced EVERYONE it was ALL MY DOING! I could have said, "you have to be with YOUR KIDS more often"! NOT MINE ,, HIS! I never HAD A DAMNED CHILD! That would send him into a TWO HOUR SCREAMING FRENZY! It was HORRIFYING and just SO isolating! THEN for damage control, HE WOULD TELL EVERYONE what I DID TO HIM! That isolated me MORE! I just had NO IDEA of the depth of his psychoses!
@@janettemartin4604 same thing happened with me, including him using personal information I didn't want out as a talking point to all his friends. These people KNOW what they are doing is wrong, my opinion, and the reason they go around spinning the story is to get support and make themselves feel better
The narcissist that I lived with went ballistic every time that I watched Surviving Narcissism. I'm sure she saw herself when she saw and heard what Dr Carter was saying. When she heard the opening music before Dr Carter started speaking she turned on her daughter's stereo as loud as it would play to drown his words out. It was unbelievable to watch her acting like that but that didn't stop me from watching Surviving Narcissism. I knew what I was dealing with and that I needed help getting through the abuse she caused. Thank you Dr Carter for always being there for me. You not only saved my sanity you also saved my life.
Mine was sitting in my bedroom as I was watching last night and I had no idea he was in my room. He went ballistic today accusing the problems we have had for decades for me having boundaries finally! It is now as if I live with a stalker who wants to know my every move and what I am even watching in my bedroom. I now have to defend myself for what I watch and why! NOPE NO MORE I AM DONE WITH THAT!! I finally after decades have become aware of who I am and what I will tolerate from others including my husband of fifty years. Thank you as well as others who have helped me understand.
Yes! They are not teachable. My 20-year-old stepdaughter lived with us from 16 years old - 3 months ago. When she would do things that warranted a conversation, we'd all sit down in the living room and discuss it - except for her. We were always calm, respectful, and direct, providing the opportunity for her to express whatever thoughts/feelings she had. Even when I had to constantly hold her accountable for being negligent of shared spaces, I was calm, respectful, and direct, using words like "please" and "thank you." But she would walk away while being spoken to and not give undivided attention, claiming that she was "listening." The disrespect continued and came to a head when a very specific rule was violated over, and over, and over again. She was again confronted respectfully by her father, but she "chose violence" and not only disrespected him verbally but me as well, amongst other things. She was then told to leave to go live with her mother. She to this day does not get it that SHE DID THIS TO HERSELF. She continues to blame both my husband and I while sending emotionally abusive, manipulative texts to him. She knows exactly what she is doing. Thankfully, my husband sees right through it that she is playing the victim. She is in an uncomfortable place right now, and she is not happy about her consequences. But, this is where she should be doing some self-inventory. We tried having a post-convo after everything happened, but all she did was deflect and blame, refusing ANY and ALL ownership of the cause. I thank GOD, my husband had the strength to let her go, because I could not live with her anymore. In all honesty, I became more and more resentful of her presence here.
@@Cross-Examine it’s a hard thing. But don’t waver. They never change and they are never wrong. But if they get resentful they go passive aggressive. Trust me, that takes a lot of energy to keep up with. To me it sounds like you’re lucky she’s not a better actress, or manipulator
@lynnschaeferle-zh4go She is very creative, believe me. We fortunately have the wisdom to see through the lies, drama, victimhood, and distortion. It is so grievous because we believed better for her, being that she was no longer with her mother, who is unhinged, at the time we fought to have her. Damage was already done by then. We do pray and hope she comes out of this, so that she can grow as a person and heal from her past.
Thanks for your time and help. I am healthy , however very lonely and I am finding the videos a bit depressing , whereas I used to feel an uplifting. Going to take a break from the topic . Yes I need help finding healthy people to connect with , I don't know how to find them. I have good character and self respect. I have the ability to respect others , thanks again for keeping me company in my lonely days , now I am looking for people who are healthy respectful, of good character to share life with. Im feeling positive about this❤.
I was at a party having a conversation with a man I had just met. He said, out of the blue, "I can tell you're not a narcissist because you can empathize with others." Blew me away. I didn't know whether to be suspicious (like oh, there we go again, he's spotted an empathetic soul to prey on) or to be impressed that he actually listened to the content of my words and reflected. I'm still a bit hypervigilant even one year out I guess.
NYC Cab drivers have given me sincere affirmation and validation after I walked away from 50 years of my husband invalidating me. I felt it but didn’t know there was a name for what I was experiencing all those years.
When my narc was in my life, I had started doing personal development. We were friends for so long, supported me through my worst moments and times, but the one time I started doing something good and positive, he clowned it, discredited it, devalued it. And I had always asked myself why? Why is he being unsupportive all of a sudden, why is he not building me up, and is instead putting me down? And then I came to realize the truth. Me, doing the things that I am doing, is threatening the paradigm of the way things are supposed to be, which is, he is supposed to be the main character, and I am always meant to be the supporting cast. Long story short, I grew tired of it, and except for a couple of times when we saw each other, we haven't spoke, or even contacted each other in over four years, and this was due to me finding great resources like this one, and learning about no-contact. So thanks Dr C, you da man....
Narcissist being "supportive" EVER? I have not had that experience. You had to have read being supportive as NOT THROWING YOU OUT! Because they are NEVER supportive EVER!
I’m so glad you figured it out! I’ve just recently was shocked to see one of my friends go from supportive and building up my confidence (way over the top, assuming that I needed much more pep talk) to angry and bitter when I said I feel confident. She wanted me to be in the “less than” role while she’s shining as a supportive more capable friend. It’s so different from healthy friendships when your true friends cheer you on to a good place. Well, they actually listen too and respond accordingly, not based on how they want to see you 😅
As a half Italian who was raised by a malignant narcissist who used her partial deafness as an exasperation tool, & who married into a WASP family with another malignant narcissist large & in charge, I can assure you that there are plenty of narcissistic weapons that are not related to volume. Of course, we perpetually exasperated targets are guilty of it. I thank you for my sanity as you verbalize everything I've experienced, but I again find myself weary of the association of volume with narcs alone. Like alcoholics & wife beaters, they know that the road to victimhood is paved with someone else's exasperation. They then shroud themselves in their manufactured victimhood as though it were righteousness. There is nothing about the process that has anything to do with righteousness. Or volume.
Just got into a panic attack because I have to make my food before the idiot comes home so I can close my door and not confront because he's constantly making confrontations and I freaked out because I couldn't find my phone this is what they do mess with your head
Oh Dr C, what you are doing is making phenomenal impact on so many. I am so grateful for you, thank you. I don't like to vent, there are some things I'd like to mention. Every single point you made in this video was familiar to me, how you put it into words and have so much empathy is so refreshing! Kind of a deep breath and comforting sigh. Words - hangover - emotional competence, emotional sobriety and so many more. I did love your example of the tune up, no one told you that you could! So sad and often true. It's been a very long journey 65 years and I will continue to be a student of life for life and that makes me glad. Whatever Susie or Joe does, while I do care what people think... It's not my problem if they aren't a student also 😊 YAY! Working on it every single day. THANK YOU AGAIN 💓
You do great work! I just had a situation with someone who turned out to be a raging narcissist. When she started to rage at me, thankfully over the phone, I calmly said, "I'm not arguing with you." Later she sent a needlessly negative and threatening email. I had to smile. I'm perfectly capable of dismantling her arguments, and threats. So specious. But, why? Why give anything to her, or back to her? It was so easy to let it go. Her reactions, and the results of her behavior, are just not my responsibility. Thanks for the training. 😁
I had a friend with different values recently get very confrontational and mean about me not just going along with everything she wants me to say. I felt cut by how disrespectful she was, but it firmed in my mind I wouldn't spend time with her again. I thought I'd miss her company, but it's been a relief, peaceful and I have more time & energy for nicer activities.
Any narc I've dealt with, they see me watching something, & just turn the station because it looks like I'm engrossed in it. What really makes me mad, they have to say. Get this off of here! I don't want to see this! I was glad when cell phones got more popular, I can just go to another room or be right there & put in my earbuds. Problem solved.👍🏼☺️
YES YES YES, lol I watch your program at night while he is asleep with the captions on not because I’m scared , it’s because I do not want to discuss it with him but it is like I’m sneaky and I am acting afraid but I’m not! 😁
Dr. C, is it normal after the narcissist has been exposed in front of people, that I want this person to do something again to affirm that she is set in her ways and it’s not just a one time thing? This woman is my Mother in law and many people think she’s a saint. She just gets her validation from appearing so. She’s been very careful since her true colors have been shown.
I recently had my first experience with a full fledged 100% narcissist. I honestly don't know how anyone would tolerate that behavior. I had 30 minutes with that 😮
Well children don't have a choice, and also some people are great at confusing and manipulating others, and people don't realize until they realize what they are dealing with.
The narcissist I know regards himself as my saviour and that he needs to constantly ensure that I'm on the "right path" which path ofcourse he gets to decide. When I say to him that I am a free individual and can therefore decide who I want to be and what I want to do, he says: "Look where that got you in the past." How do I respond to his statement? I'm always at a loss for words.
When I say, it’s me, that’s how I talk to people, he says, “And how is that working?” The answer is, fine with most people. Conflict with people in competition with me and my leadership. But I don’t care.
OMG! This video just started, oh yes he knows I watch your videos! The very first time he "caught" me he's asking what ya watching? I told him I'm researching narcissism. Oh he got so mad, he was quiet for about a week. It's like he doesn't want me to learn anything. But cause I don't give a flippin donut about him, I do what I want. I know he can't take care of himself & take care of the house. I was the black sheep of the family, i was a loner, quiet, an introvert. My family always looked down at me. Now all these years later, they admire me. Because no matter what happens i adapt to whatever situation, I can swim through crap & come out "smelling like a rose"! Now my family is envious, but they know i can handle whatever life throws at me & i know what to do.
The first question you asked is actually quite scary for many woman. Of course they'll act negatively and attack you, the host, your sanity etc. The best response I believe is just to state you like to learn about people, how and why they respond, and not associate the video with the narcissist spouse. But they can be so intimidating. They love to find ways to tear you down.
No contact ! You said it! However, their constant presence and participating in other family duties challenges the no contact bit. It is even more challenging when children love both parents equally and don’t see either one in bad light. Slowly, have noticed the lack of control on the part of Nar but not eithout bitterness, angry outbursts, and the show of how busy the Nar is in their life that is so good and fulfilling.
My sister is 67 and I’m 69. She was the golden child of our family. I was the scape goat. We share a condo since 2013. We both retired in 2020 at beginning of pandemic. She has totally changed to being more controlling and argumentative since she retired. Her job was her identity I guess and now she takes it out on me anytime she has a problem. She delights in first agreeing to go on a trip with me then right before we go she starts arguing and criticizing me. She threatens to back out if I don’t do exactly what she wants. How do I turn off my reactions. I know she enjoys seeing me get upset by her baiting and gaslighting. She delights in ruining anything that gives me pleasure. A trip or a hike. We both have no kids or spouses. As she ridiculed me she will then go to our neighbors and be the perfect nice neighbor. How do I turn off my reactions to her because I know she counts on upsetting me
Well I'd say the pattern is she raises your hopes and then when they are up, she attacks. So monitor yourself and when you feel your hopes being raised by her, stay calm and don't let your hopes build up. Then grey rock or yellow rock and find activities away from her to properly live your life in.
After a lifetime of Ns in family, at work (lawyer) and a couple of (ex-) friends, (I was saved by a wonderful husband, children , sister), I wouldn’t say my feelings rise to a level of hate, but certainly dislike, resentment, and in a couple of cases, a physical repugnance to being in their presence. I have gone no or low contact, and I have always tried at least to act assertively and decently. and to be kind to others, but my problem at this stage is ruminating on the harm that has been done to me, and others. Some of it is trying to understand, but I really need to let go. Finding that difficult.
I still catch myself dwelling, reminiscing, and ruminating. Then it morphs into regret, self- condemnation, loathing. Then I shout my hatred at the ceiling.
Hi Dr.C thank you so much for the work you are doing I’m still really realizing that my husband of 37 years is on the scale of narcissism. It’s so hard because he could be so kind and supportive and then in no time at all he is throwing contempt and criticism and judgment all over me, you are helping me survive. I do not want to divorce. I suggested a separation for us both to evaluate what marriage means to us and he has ignored my note I know he read it because it’s gone from where I put it. He is being more polite the last few days, but I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop that has been the pattern for so many long years over half my life thank you. I feel like I can hang on now.
Love this video I grew up around narcissistic people and my dad who was around very little is a huge narcissist.....as I got older in my teenage years I told myself I don't want to be nothing like that. "Changes can be generational" is a great quote as I am making a concerned effort to change my branch of the family tree with my kids. My ex is a narcissist so it's extra work but I am looking at the big picture, changing things for my kids and show them love, discipline etc....I am going to stop the viscous cycle❤❤
Narc is my 39 yr old disabled son who lives with us. We are 70 and almost 70 and his scapegoats, abused. We're suffering and the mental health system has failed us.
It would require going to court and he can't function on his own. In my state the disabled hold all the rights. I can't even get him a psych eval. Police have removed him 3x and the hospital sends him back.
@@janettemartin4604 I'm with you on this...With a full-blown narc there will INEVITABLY be big losses...& in the best case scenario it's the loss of the relationship with the narc themself because they will always be abusive.Even being disabled,financially destitute,elderly,etc... NONE of it excuses the fact that they are still a toxic abuser ultimately.I have a narc father personally & I don't care WHAT the heck happens to him in old age, he's abusive.
My son has avoided an inpatient involuntary psych treatment three times after having the police bring him to the ER! He knows what to say to the ER social workers and comes off as the victim. And I'm faced with letting him go to a homeless.shelter or bring him home. .he knows what day of the week, who's President etc and doesn't have a plan to kill himself so he doesn't get admitted. He's been inpatient 6 times over 20.yrs. Oh and eviction would require a psych eval. A judge would possibly deem him to be fit.
Omg AHA moment!! Make statements instead of asking questions…. Brilliant. Then you’re not giving them the airspace to have an opinion on how you’re feeling. Wow. Thank you!!!
24:42 I also grew up surrounded by bad examples of conflict resolutions. I wasn't a person of conflict, but after I learned about narcissism I was able to somewhat improve my reaction to conflicts. As I understand, we don't have to react on a narcissist's rage - it could make us something we don't like and will not change them. When a narc wants to start a conflict by acting aggressively, or taunting you by something you don't like - disengage, placidly create some distance, especially if it's not important. By recognizing the triggers and your reactions you can change the way you react, and you will even feel less agitated inside. Still in the constant freeze-fight-flight, but reacting on bad things is not a bad part of us
Dr C my narc husband started watching your videos and using your techniques thinking it would do something to me. I laughed and noticed right away. He did that a week and realized it did nothing but make things better and stopped that asap!! Hahaha
Thank you Doc, I really appreciated the family focus today. Finding freedom and starting my journey to my place of peace after 50+ years of cult like insanity. thank you.
😢 after recognizing that I’ve been living with a narcissist, Dr. C my children, have to give me the silent treatment because of the fact that at one out of the relationship with my husband, they’re all grown, and I just don’t understand why they’re acting this way they’re all know how their father really is can you help me with this question Dr. C thank you very much
Hello from California Dr. Carter, Gus and the Team Healthy Community. I always usually watch after he goes to bed. Thank you so much for this very helpful video Dr. Carter. You are a blessing to all of us and we appreciate you very much for your help. God bless.
exactly right ✅️ I truly believe that hate will just put you in the shipwreck with the narc. Too much damage has already been done & hate will cost you even more - yourself!!! Let go continue to heal, never allow a toxic person to be in your life. Thanks Dr. C. 😊 ABUSE OF POWER MOST DEFINITELY AS WELL.
How do get the covert narcissist (my mother) to just go away and leave you alone. She keeps sending a barrage of flying monkeys my way and tells everyone something wrong with me. I’ve chosen to go no contact to make sure myself and my families mental health and happiness comes first. At age 56, I have learned it is never to late to go no contact even if your parent is a senior.
I am in the same situation. My 75 yr old mother has gotten worse. I am a good daughter I live in another state but it’s an argument every 2 weeks because of a difference of opinion or a surprise attack from her provoking me. She twist,gaslights, brings god into it, and has turned my dad against me. This last discussion she told me she’s tired of arguing and how bad of a daughter I am. It’s horrible, my adult son overheard her twisting the truth and she overtalks him. She told me that she doesn’t want a relationship with me anymore since I won’t apologize for things I haven’t don’t. It’s dealing with the devil. I love my parents but I don’t like them anymore. I have gotten anxiety from them so bad my hearing has been going on and off. It hurts but I cannot do this anymore. I learned at age 48 she is a covert narcissist. I recorded her and went to a Christian psychiatrist and played it and right away she said something was wrong. I have determined she doesn’t like me, she has turned my good dad into a bad person, so why ruin the rest of my life. I don’t think god would want me to keep going through this torture.
17 years in a DV I was scared to leave then after major open heart surgery just left everything I'd ever worked for in my entire life grabbing my child, dog and handbag my car under finance and no job. I've gone eff this I'm outta here. I'd always been independent and worked really great jobs for a long period of time nearly 30 years and during that relationship I worked every day until I popped, I remember my doctor telling me at 5 months pregnant that it would be advisable if I stopped working, I needed to get off my feet due to excessive swelling. I couldn't stop working because I was the one paying the bills, my ex wouldn't work at that time, he was to busy bopping around in the ocean in his new boat having fun. whilst pregnant while being the sole bread winner while dh didn't work and did what he wanted. First day home after giving birth when I'm on maternity leave he has the cheek to say that we the new born and I better move out because he has a boat loan to pay. He decided to get a job to pay for his new toy. I had planned to be on maternity leave for 12 months from work which is paid leave. However no he wasn't having that at 5 months he was DEMANDING I return back to work. Which meant me paying for full-time creche fees while I worked full-time which didn't make sense anyway almost 8 years on Im trying to recover from major surgery and ex letting me know how much of an inconvenience I am to him after surgery and him slamming doors yelling the works. Here I am struggling to open a door nob or walk further than the mail box he's cracking the absolute shits with me because I've asked him to hang out our child's washing because I was unable to lift my hands over my head after surgery. I wish I had left when I came home with our new born or better still since everything in that house I'd owned, and my job was literally 10 mins away he could of moved. He wasn't going to move because the house had a perfect long driveway and garage for his boat. The absolute bs never ended there even after I left, the no child support because he said he could only look after himself for years and years afterwards, selfish doesn't cover it when it comes to these a holes. I've some more colourful word's 😅😅. They use to call me a freak at work cause i had a almost photographic memory for everything on my accounts and working unbelievable hours with child in bouncer next to my desk to earn an income, I had a literal bald patch of hair that had fallen out one side of my head, over worked at work and at home no wonder i ended up on the slab. I survived that bs, Ive the most delightful child. I won in that regard. I hope hes enjoying his piece of metal, his boat lol. I'd be at the office unpaid late at night with our child with me to catch up on work I needed to do to keep my job because I'd taken so much leave from work to look after our child when they were sick from everything our child picked up from creche. He wouldn't share the responsibility of caring for our child and take a day off to parent. However he didn't have a problem taking a day off work to go out in the ocean. I know how I ended up with such a looser it was my incredible upbringing with my awesome parents that taught me abuse was love. DOH!!! I've paid off that car under finance, it did sit for 5 years not driven due to not been able to drive it the motor was dead. I was isolated out bush no public transport finance company wouldn't allow me to sell the car without going bankrupt. I've drawn down my superannuation from working every year for financial hardship I pay the car off full engine rebuild, big bucks get my shit together to go back out to work force and covid hits another 2 years of isolation BRILLIANT!! Then more dramatic stuff (life) am grateful I've a roof over our heads and working towards the next step. Adversities ey. Almost 7 months of these videos have saved my sanity with the current bs situation I've now found myself in. I'm a slow learner
So sorry Dinky. It sounds like you are very persistent with providing for your child and yourself. Some people are very selfish and immature. I have a difficult time with controlling my “magical thinking” and try to hold onto the beliefs that people can change. But as Maya Angelou said, “when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” You did the right thing by leaving❣️
@@chip4003 Thanks, unfortunately I didn't feel it was safe to stay. Material things can be replaced 👍❤️ It's been an adventure getting back on my feet.
I find myself going into the narcissistic traits because of the cPTSD I've developed. It's like I wanted him to suffer and experience what he made me experience for years. Now I catch myself saying this is not me. I don't want a bad person to make me a bad person. He is already suffering internally and that's karmic enough.
I recently got sucked in by my narcissistic mom being very nice to me. Afterward, I realized that I had been love bombed and hoovered -- totally manipulated. I had avoided seeing her for months, and I knew the lack of control over me would be eating at her. I was prepared for an unpleasant encounter, but she threw me completely off balance with sweetness. Intellectually, I knew she was being phoney, but emotionally, she hooked me. Will I ever be able to deal with her fake love offensives? Will my inner child ever stop hoping she'll change?
The problem for me was that the Narcissist's...(plural) could not fit me in a mold....I did not fit. My refusal to over look grievious actions, slander and cheating was very heavily met with distain and comptempt. I was called indiffetent and not a team player. But that was ok with me my values, character and integrity were more important. Standing in our beliefs of morality is foreign to these people. Thanks Dr. C. Hugs for Guss!!
Thank you Dr.C I have learned so much about being myself and that it’s ok to be me thank you I’m no longer feel the need to fight for my rights with anyone or the narcissist in my live .
He said something in this video, that brought to mind something we used to say to our middle school dance teams whenever they said I can't. You have to tell yourself I can with practice same thing here it may take time but don't give up You can with practice
Awesome! Reminds me of a tenant of mine once with special needs but very capable kid who always said "Can't Never Did Anything!"... He taught me to correct way to paint and we learned laminate flooring, fiberglass patching, sheetrock repair, floor moulding trim and homemade counter tops, restoring cupboards and tile, etc, etc.. together
No... simple answer. It's like you're banging your head against a wall and it's only you that ends up with the headache. I am married to one 27 years. Mind yourself.
I'm so tired Dr.C. Between my own narcissistic family and trying to figure out who my inlaws are and whether or not to continue to put myself into these relationships. I'm so tired. I just want to crawl into a cave where none of these people can find me. How will I ever trust anyone? I actually fear people and do all I can to avoid people. I prefer the company of animals and my own children. I just want to avoid everyone else. How will I ever learn to trust anyone after being in so many one sided "relationships". I just want them to leave me alone completely. And I'm isolated by choice.
Dr Carter, get a proof reader / troll blocker to zap hateful comments but pass on useful feedback. Protect yourself so you can keep doing what you’re doing.
I want to add that I enjoyed this video , because of the balance of positive and teaching. I can cope with this type of video because it's not all about the negative traits. Yes , I understand that the videos are about narcissism , I see good character and other. I have learnt to keep things simple as a way to cope. Im not qualified to diagnose anyone , but I do know the type of person I like to be with. Team healthy is good and I think my friend❤
That's why I love this channel and why it's important to me. Dr Carter talks to the heart of dignity, respect and civility. I want to be a more mature, kind, compassionate and loving person that will not engage in immature, disrespectful, and unkind relationships. That doesn't serve anyone. My father was an angry, self-motivated individual. To be kind, he wasn't someone who could or wanted to be the type of father for me that I needed in my life. That said, I loved him, but I realized that his inability to father me the way that is in line with DRC wasn't happening. If he were here today, he'd agree with that. For me, it's about having long standing, important relationships that are meaningful to me as well as the other person. This is what makes life worth living. It's not meeting someone on the level of contempt. It's about being as true to yourself as to the people in your life. I am deserving of great relationships and the people who care about me deserve that as well. THANK YOU Dr Carter. You are the blessing in our life. Stay true to you, team healthy!
I enjoy your delivery. Your account of what the narcissist is thinking is right on! Makes me laugh out loud. I'm glad that I can chuckle now at your accurate rendition of what the narcissist may be thinking 😄
As a parent of an adult narcissistic son. All the literature is pretty discouraging for us parents who always hope that the narcissist could get better. Is there hope?
The old saying is that hope is not a strategy. Sometimes you have to remind yourself to make decisions on the facts, not just hope. My heart is with you.
Every question resonated with me. Some tears flowed without want others gracefully. I'm understanding my past needs understanding, my present requires knowledge and my future hopes for healing. I'm glad you shared your age because I am 58 and was thinking will I ever get it right? I've put a halt on intimate relationships because I have a mountain of replicas. My goal is to finish strong and to release those destructive holds that have been binding me to satan for far too long. Thank you for these videos.
My father never had an explosive temper. However, he was very, very judgemental and rejecting if he believed you were doing the wrong thing. He also believed in corporal punishment. I always put it down to that was the way with people of his generation.
Hi. I also am 4-5 generation of recovery from that controlling anger. Was of a religious nature. My dad was also in the military and was trying, as a wounded son, to parent me and my sibs. Gave us enough tools to support eachother in our healing, while also, sadly, wounding each of us. He died teo years ago. Its a reset time for each of us. We are listening eachother to health. Blessings in your grief and growth.
It's hard work to stay emotionally sober.. kind of like holding a plank.. my insides quiver and shake violently, but I have to keep my form.. aka composure. My face speaks volumes of what I'm feeling or thinking and I have to keep it from twitching..and my eyebrows from lifting in curiosity and confusion. all while controlling my vocals when speaking.. to high he knows he has me in his throws to low. He knows he has hurt me.. in addition to maintaining good posture and not letting my body language speak .... I am not built for this... I will count the small successes though.... I didn't respond to loooooooong baiting text. And when asked if I got it, simply responce was was yes.. I was waiting for the silent treatment... but I think maybe I confused him because he didn't bring it up again. I have wins and losses everyday... me trying to gain control of my life has become a constant daily battle..it's new for me I'm just realizing after 11 years of marriage who I am now attached to until death do us part.... I feel like I been hit by a mac truck..the struggle is real...I'm literally exhausted. I am appreciative of this information and to you Dr C. This is the first time I have wrote a comment... I can use help and encouragement I am still so much in love with my husband but I have to live and breathe for Christ and myself. I have made my husband an idol... and I need to make changes immediately. So I can be more emotionally healthy for myself and my children... even if he isnt.
Dr C I am in a difficult (emotional) place where I have announced/decided to move forward with divorcing my N spouse after 33 years and having to deal with family members not knowing what is going on…while at the same time being the only one in the relationship that wans to/needs to deal with the NOW but only have circulatory conversation to remind me of their past…
At some point, you'll need to do what you know is wise and if others understand, that will be a bonus. You can explain your decision to key people, but make room for the blow-back, especially from the narcissist. Don't be too defensive, and let it be known calmly that this has been building for a long time and it is not a frivolous decision. Then once you've given your best explanation, let your character be your leading quality.
Dr. C, can you please talk about what drives a narcissist’s lack of reciprocity? No matter how hard my husband and I try, it’s never enough for my mother-in-law. She expects us to drive two hours to visit her every month, but she doesn’t ever initiate any plans. I’ve been initiating things because I know that if we go a while without seeing her, she’s passive aggressive and tries to blame me for keeping her son away from her. She doesn’t understand that healthy relationships are a two way street and has caused me so much anxiety. Please help.
We live an hour and a half from my father; and since his health has started to deteriorate, he pretty much insists on weekly visits. Also because of his health, our visits are not without a sometimes sizable measure of frustration and stress; and, I can't deny that they are sometimes a strain on our schedule. In my case, my Dad was a very good father to us and husband to my mother. I'd suggest that, even if your mother-in-law is difficult, continue with the monthly visits. Don't expect her to reciprocate.
Hi from New Zealand. I love your videos. I love the well balanced nature of everything you share with us. Very helpful. Thank you and God bless you. Very much appreciated.
Hi Dr. C, I’ve been following you and listening to your You Tube channel for almost three years, although I’m rarely able to join you live. Finally, after 2 1/2 years I have been able to go “No Contact.” What a freedom that has been. I’m now in Recovery from misuse of alcohol and I’d like to know your thoughts on adding my ex to my list of people to whom I need/want to make amends. I’ve already apologized for my part in the difficult relationship, but I’m not sure whether or not I want to open the lines of communication even if just by email. Thank you for all that you share. It has been a true gift to me.
I assume you are referring to Step 4. Sometimes the person in question is too toxic, so a clean alternative is to write a letter to that person explaining your thoughts, then holding onto the letter for yourself. Make sure you see the video, The "I Release You" Response To A Narcissist.
These videos have been extremely helpful and informative. I look forward to listening to them. This video brought up something I don’t quite understand - self loathing/self hatred and shame to the point of substance abuse/addiction that contributes to self destruction. How/why does the narcissist hate themselves so much? Do they realize it? Is this what they project?
I ❤ this community. I'm in the thick of it. And I've had to drag myself off the ground back up. Where I was when I came here 10 😢😢😢 years ago❤😅❤❤❤😇😇😇😇😇😇😇
In response to the person that tape records the conversations. I have a ? What does it say about a person that feels the need to bring up past statements you've said. I have never understood the sense behind this behavior. My spouse and I lived together a number of years before we wed. Along the way I had written a note explaining why I felt I couldn't stay in this relationship. Well. At our wedding reception we sat alone for a bit and this note is given to me as if to say.. and you said... Boy did I felt belittled. What causes a person to need to do something like this.
My ex would mock me, belittle me, scoff at me, start fights with me, and patronize me for learning about NPD and watching other psychology or self help videos. If I brought up anything about self improvement or healthy relationship dynamics, especially in relation to our issues, he'd accuse me of being a know-it-all or wannabe guru, and trying to control him. He'd say "I don't need you; I'm gonna heal on my own." Or he would take it as an insult and try to point out how "I'm not perfect," and start either bringing issues up from the past or trying to find other ways I "failed" in the relationship, even if he literally made it up/none of those things were true
"Maybe their rejection doesn't mean I'm no good; it just means I don't fit in their system of dysfunction."
Yes! What a good perspective. Thanks for sharing.
Absolutely well said
Great quote indeed. I struggled a lot in my relationship with a narcissist as my sense of what’s reasonable and healthy was under constant attack. It’s easy to fall in the trap because they’re so convincing and brutal in how they try to sway you into accepting their twisted view on things is natural.
@@JohanIsraelsson they erode your self worth with criticism, put-downs and blame, and then shame you for insecurity, lack of confidence or fear, under the guise of concern. You make excuses for them, hoping the relationship will go back to when it was "good". As Dr C says, "Believe what you see and make your adjustments accordingly. "
@michelepascoe6068 Seeing the pattern objectively for what it is is difficult enough, especially if you were raised "understanding" the dysfunction as normal. Then, after you see it, you have to understand that a) it will never change, and b) you don't have a relationship with this person. You aren't a person to them; you're an object, a thing they cultivate so they can use you for their own energy and discard/punish when you show your personhood.
Both these steps were very painful and difficult, still are at times.
Hard when we are expected to work out differences with someone hell bent on destroying us.
Who is expecting that from you?
Forgive them to cut loose from them. That gets you off the hook- not them. Release them. It takes practice. Just keep at it.
@@nancywalker1325 our social and justice system
@@rosieE121 How do they make decisions on who you spend your time with?
@@nancywalker1325 courts for instance.
I lead a life of isolation these days. It's the only way for me to have peace of mind. I just want to be left alone.
Too much has happened for too long a time, and I don't even want to go out.
I'm the same. Thank u for sharing.
When you notice some tearing someone or tearing you down to build them self up Avoid , Avoid ! Pinch yourself if you have to to wake up and get away asap
I really don’t think hate is sustainable. After a period of hatred, you begin to realize the only one being affected is you. The goal is complete indifference.
I love your calmness. THERE ARE MANY people out there teaching about narcissism, but it's only you Sir who never confuses us and we feel the calmness in our hearts and souls that is reaching out to us through your videos!
I pray for you Dr C😢your are a kind person. ❤One of a kind❤
Thanks so much.
"If there's a narcissist in the room it's you", agree they would never think they have any emotional issues.
Dr. C...please give Mrs. C an extra hug for me. She married a great man with much wisdom which gives us viewers insight. Deep gratitude.
You're kind...thank you.
I had to move far away , and recover on my own with help from online people like you
It's not good to hate the person,but it's ok to hate there bad behavior!
Yes, pity is better…
But it still doesn't make it any easier.
I have to have contact with mine. I never look forward to seeing or speaking with her and avoid it for as long as practical. When I do have to visit, I have a list of tasks I need to perform and a professional-style "shell" the whole time I'm there: I offer no personal info, don't attempt to fix problems outside the scope of my tasks, and I leave as soon after I'm done helping as I can without being rude.
Oh my gosh! I sit outside and if he comes out I panic, like major anxiety as I fumble for the mute button! Now use headphones so he doesn't gather more fuel to fire at me. When I was openly going to therapy he would make snide remarks and you could see the smugness within him and even on his face. But I continue to learn, and grow, and feel better....
I am ahead of where I was a year ago. Thank you Dr. C
I like to play the video’s really loud… it’s taken me 9 years and a 7 year old little girl-my miracle. I’m not going to allow her to think that any of this is ok or normal. I am working on a plan because she deserves better and so do I. I’m 44 and she nor I have 9 more years to live like this. Thank you Dr. C. I believe in kindness and im doing my best to show my baby right from wrong. You are helping me so much ❤
Best of luck to you
My youngest is in it for another 5 years. He stood up to it but I foolishly convinced him to get back in it. I thought I was doing the right thing. Then again doing the right thing is sometimes wrong. Crazy making and exhausting, this is!
@@alyssaleatham8544 being a parent is hard!!! Especially when it comes to something like this. We don’t want to take anything or anyone that they love from them. You have a great hard and you’re doing your best. Never forget that the other parent caused this and it’s not your fault 🖤
I appreciate all your kind words! I really needed them and they touched my heart. Thank you for your kindness
Plan your work, work your plan. Find freedom. For her. For you. Perhaps find someone you trust to review your plan to give better perspective and oversight. Rooting for you (& your miracle) and your success.
As someone who put ip with yelling in the past, to me yelling is good reason to leave a relationship.
YUP! I even CALLED my ex's therapist WHILE he was yelling! I called his PARENT's WHILE he was YELLING! They took HIS SIDE! I did NOT realize HOW BACK STABBING and underhanded this FREEK WAS! He convinced EVERYONE it was ALL MY DOING! I could have said, "you have to be with YOUR KIDS more often"! NOT MINE ,, HIS! I never HAD A DAMNED CHILD! That would send him into a TWO HOUR SCREAMING FRENZY! It was HORRIFYING and just SO isolating! THEN for damage control, HE WOULD TELL EVERYONE what I DID TO HIM! That isolated me MORE! I just had NO IDEA of the depth of his psychoses!
@@janettemartin4604 same thing happened with me, including him using personal information I didn't want out as a talking point to all his friends. These people KNOW what they are doing is wrong, my opinion, and the reason they go around spinning the story is to get support and make themselves feel better
The narcissist that I lived with went ballistic every time that I watched Surviving Narcissism. I'm sure she saw herself when she saw and heard what Dr Carter was saying. When she heard the opening music before Dr Carter started speaking she turned on her daughter's stereo as loud as it would play to drown his words out. It was unbelievable to watch her acting like that but that didn't stop me from watching Surviving Narcissism. I knew what I was dealing with and that I needed help getting through the abuse she caused. Thank you Dr Carter for always being there for me. You not only saved my sanity you also saved my life.
It makes you wonder why your attempts to educate yourself were so threatening to her. She must be a tormented soul.
Mine too. He thinks Dr C is a quack. LMAO
Mine was sitting in my bedroom as I was watching last night and I had no idea he was in my room. He went ballistic today accusing the problems we have had for decades for me having boundaries finally! It is now as if I live with a stalker who wants to know my every move and what I am even watching in my bedroom. I now have to defend myself for what I watch and why! NOPE NO MORE I AM DONE WITH THAT!! I finally after decades have become aware of who I am and what I will tolerate from others including my husband of fifty years. Thank you as well as others who have helped me understand.
Ik I turn the videos down 😅 he's a psychopath narcissist 😅😅
The priority has to be for peace, love, and civility.
If you have a real narcissist they don’t work out anything. Their way is always superior. My main emotion is disgust and incredible disappointment.
Yes! They are not teachable.
My 20-year-old stepdaughter lived with us from 16 years old - 3 months ago.
When she would do things that warranted a conversation, we'd all sit down in the living room and discuss it - except for her. We were always calm, respectful, and direct, providing the opportunity for her to express whatever thoughts/feelings she had. Even when I had to constantly hold her accountable for being negligent of shared spaces, I was calm, respectful, and direct, using words like "please" and "thank you."
But she would walk away while being spoken to and not give undivided attention, claiming that she was "listening."
The disrespect continued and came to a head when a very specific rule was violated over, and over, and over again.
She was again confronted respectfully by her father, but she "chose violence" and not only disrespected him verbally but me as well, amongst other things.
She was then told to leave to go live with her mother.
She to this day does not get it that SHE DID THIS TO HERSELF.
She continues to blame both my husband and I while sending emotionally abusive, manipulative texts to him. She knows exactly what she is doing. Thankfully, my husband sees right through it that she is playing the victim.
She is in an uncomfortable place right now, and she is not happy about her consequences. But, this is where she should be doing some self-inventory. We tried having a post-convo after everything happened, but all she did was deflect and blame, refusing ANY and ALL ownership of the cause.
I thank GOD, my husband had the strength to let her go, because I could not live with her anymore.
In all honesty, I became more and more resentful of her presence here.
@@Cross-Examine it’s a hard thing. But don’t waver. They never change and they are never wrong. But if they get resentful they go passive aggressive. Trust me, that takes a lot of energy to keep up with. To me it sounds like you’re lucky she’s not a better actress, or manipulator
@lynnschaeferle-zh4go She is very creative, believe me. We fortunately have the wisdom to see through the lies, drama, victimhood, and distortion. It is so grievous because we believed better for her, being that she was no longer with her mother, who is unhinged, at the time we fought to have her. Damage was already done by then. We do pray and hope she comes out of this, so that she can grow as a person and heal from her past.
Dr. C and Gus are my role models, calm and even keeled. 🐕🐾😅😊
Thanks for your time and help. I am healthy , however very lonely and I am finding the videos a bit depressing , whereas I used to feel an uplifting. Going to take a break from the topic . Yes I need help finding healthy people to connect with , I don't know how to find them. I have good character and self respect. I have the ability to respect others , thanks again for keeping me company in my lonely days , now I am looking for people who are healthy respectful, of good character to share life with. Im feeling positive about this❤.
I was at a party having a conversation with a man I had just met. He said, out of the blue, "I can tell you're not a narcissist because you can empathize with others." Blew me away. I didn't know whether to be suspicious (like oh, there we go again, he's spotted an empathetic soul to prey on) or to be impressed that he actually listened to the content of my words and reflected. I'm still a bit hypervigilant even one year out I guess.
NYC Cab drivers have given me sincere affirmation and validation after I walked away from 50 years of my husband invalidating me. I felt it but didn’t know there was a name for what I was experiencing all those years.
When I tell my husband about experiences like that he says “that doesn’t mean anything, they just don’t know what you’re really like.”
When my narc was in my life, I had started doing personal development. We were friends for so long, supported me through my worst moments and times, but the one time I started doing something good and positive, he clowned it, discredited it, devalued it. And I had always asked myself why? Why is he being unsupportive all of a sudden, why is he not building me up, and is instead putting me down? And then I came to realize the truth. Me, doing the things that I am doing, is threatening the paradigm of the way things are supposed to be, which is, he is supposed to be the main character, and I am always meant to be the supporting cast. Long story short, I grew tired of it, and except for a couple of times when we saw each other, we haven't spoke, or even contacted each other in over four years, and this was due to me finding great resources like this one, and learning about no-contact.
So thanks Dr C, you da man....
Narcissist being "supportive" EVER? I have not had that experience. You had to have read being supportive as NOT THROWING YOU OUT! Because they are NEVER supportive EVER!
Well done
@@janettemartin4604 Well he was supportive at the beginning, but his heel turn happened years later....
I’m so glad you figured it out! I’ve just recently was shocked to see one of my friends go from supportive and building up my confidence (way over the top, assuming that I needed much more pep talk) to angry and bitter when I said I feel confident. She wanted me to be in the “less than” role while she’s shining as a supportive more capable friend. It’s so different from healthy friendships when your true friends cheer you on to a good place. Well, they actually listen too and respond accordingly, not based on how they want to see you 😅
@@janettemartin4604 They do lovebomb
Moving away from family home and out of marital bed helped a great deal
I have been diagnosed with CPTSD from childhood abuse and feel I have control issues and perfectionistic problems that are difficult to deal with.
As a half Italian who was raised by a malignant narcissist who used her partial deafness as an exasperation tool, & who married into a WASP family with another malignant narcissist large & in charge, I can assure you that there are plenty of narcissistic weapons that are not related to volume. Of course, we perpetually exasperated targets are guilty of it. I thank you for my sanity as you verbalize everything I've experienced, but I again find myself weary of the association of volume with narcs alone. Like alcoholics & wife beaters, they know that the road to victimhood is paved with someone else's exasperation. They then shroud themselves in their manufactured victimhood as though it were righteousness. There is nothing about the process that has anything to do with righteousness. Or volume.
Just got into a panic attack because I have to make my food before the idiot comes home so I can close my door and not confront because he's constantly making confrontations and I freaked out because I couldn't find my phone this is what they do mess with your head
The WORST is the narcs that work out of the 🏡 & can't hardly get supply...Those ones around around the darn 🏡 almost constantly🤢.
Oh Dr C, what you are doing is making phenomenal impact on so many. I am so grateful for you, thank you. I don't like to vent, there are some things I'd like to mention. Every single point you made in this video was familiar to me, how you put it into words and have so much empathy is so refreshing! Kind of a deep breath and comforting sigh. Words - hangover - emotional competence, emotional sobriety and so many more. I did love your example of the tune up, no one told you that you could! So sad and often true.
It's been a very long journey 65 years and I will continue to be a student of life for life and that makes me glad. Whatever Susie or Joe does, while I do care what people think... It's not my problem if they aren't a student also 😊 YAY! Working on it every single day. THANK YOU AGAIN 💓
So pleased for this input, Dawn!
My Narcussist saw me watching one of your podcast and got mad. He said, I needed to quit watching that shit. Lol
You do great work! I just had a situation with someone who turned out to be a raging narcissist. When she started to rage at me, thankfully over the phone, I calmly said, "I'm not arguing with you." Later she sent a needlessly negative and threatening email. I had to smile. I'm perfectly capable of dismantling her arguments, and threats. So specious. But, why? Why give anything to her, or back to her? It was so easy to let it go. Her reactions, and the results of her behavior, are just not my responsibility. Thanks for the training. 😁
Perfect 🤩
I wish I could do No Contact with my narcissist. It's not possible.
I had a friend with different values recently get very confrontational and mean about me not just going along with everything she wants me to say. I felt cut by how disrespectful she was, but it firmed in my mind I wouldn't spend time with her again.
I thought I'd miss her company, but it's been a relief, peaceful and I have more time & energy for nicer activities.
I truly don't know how to not be angry anymore. It does nothing for my life. Nothing. I'm willing to go through the pain of change.
Any narc I've dealt with, they see me watching something, & just turn the station because it looks like I'm engrossed in it. What really makes me mad, they have to say. Get this off of here! I don't want to see this! I was glad when cell phones got more popular, I can just go to another room or be right there & put in my earbuds. Problem solved.👍🏼☺️
They love and live for control.
YOU are a GORGEOUS SOUL! STAND YOUR GROUND!
YES YES YES, lol I watch your program at night while he is asleep with the captions on not because I’m scared ,
it’s because I do not want to discuss it with him but it is like I’m sneaky and I am acting afraid but I’m not! 😁
I'm glad to be on the path with you.
Dr. C, is it normal after the narcissist has been exposed in front of people, that I want this person to do something again to affirm that she is set in her ways and it’s not just a one time thing? This woman is my Mother in law and many people think she’s a saint. She just gets her validation from appearing so. She’s been very careful since her true colors have been shown.
I recently had my first experience with a full fledged 100% narcissist. I honestly don't know how anyone would tolerate that behavior. I had 30 minutes with that 😮
Well children don't have a choice, and also some people are great at confusing and manipulating others, and people don't realize until they realize what they are dealing with.
😢 Being raised by a narc is generational torment.
@@LauraHalvar The other parent needs to fix that situation
Only 30 minutes? How did you get rid of them that fast? I've been stuck with one for 3 years
Try 60 years and still going. My narc adoptive 96 year old "mother" tortures me on a daily basis. Dr. C saved me these past three years.
The narcissist I know regards himself as my saviour and that he needs to constantly ensure that I'm on the "right path" which path ofcourse he gets to decide. When I say to him that I am a free individual and can therefore decide who I want to be and what I want to do, he says: "Look where that got you in the past." How do I respond to his statement? I'm always at a loss for words.
When I say, it’s me, that’s how I talk to people, he says, “And how is that working?”
The answer is, fine with most people. Conflict with people in competition with me and my leadership. But I don’t care.
I can relate 💯. They're the authority on your life and children's life.
I tried to just think my responses. Like, "Well, l at least it was my own path. Where do you want yours to lead me?"
I had a narcissist roommate that was hell bent on turning me into a criminal
OMG! This video just started, oh yes he knows I watch your videos! The very first time he "caught" me he's asking what ya watching? I told him I'm researching narcissism. Oh he got so mad, he was quiet for about a week. It's like he doesn't want me to learn anything. But cause I don't give a flippin donut about him, I do what I want. I know he can't take care of himself & take care of the house.
I was the black sheep of the family, i was a loner, quiet, an introvert. My family always looked down at me. Now all these years later, they admire me. Because no matter what happens i adapt to whatever situation, I can swim through crap & come out "smelling like a rose"! Now my family is envious, but they know i can handle whatever life throws at me & i know what to do.
The first question you asked is actually quite scary for many woman. Of course they'll act negatively and attack you, the host, your sanity etc. The best response I believe is just to state you like to learn about people, how and why they respond, and not associate the video with the narcissist spouse. But they can be so intimidating. They love to find ways to tear you down.
Best Community on the Interwebs 🏆💜
#TeamHealthy
No contact ! You said it!
However, their constant presence and participating in other family duties challenges the no contact bit. It is even more challenging when children love both parents equally and don’t see either one in bad light. Slowly, have noticed the lack of control on the part of Nar but not eithout bitterness, angry outbursts, and the show of how busy the Nar is in their life that is so good and fulfilling.
😂
@@user-vt9kd4no8j what do you find funny?
It's that "good life and fulfilling"
Thanks for your hopeful message that we can grow & change.
My sister is 67 and I’m 69. She was the golden child of our family. I was the scape goat. We share a condo since 2013. We both retired in 2020 at beginning of pandemic. She has totally changed to being more controlling and argumentative since she retired. Her job was her identity I guess and now she takes it out on me anytime she has a problem. She delights in first agreeing to go on a trip with me then right before we go she starts arguing and criticizing me. She threatens to back out if I don’t do exactly what she wants. How do I turn off my reactions. I know she enjoys seeing me get upset by her baiting and gaslighting. She delights in ruining anything that gives me pleasure. A trip or a hike. We both have no kids or spouses. As she ridiculed me she will then go to our neighbors and be the perfect nice neighbor. How do I turn off my reactions to her because I know she counts on upsetting me
Get out you don't have to live in this. Why do you think you do?
It sounds like your sister could do with being given some kindness literature to sink in. Hopefully it will resonate and be put into practice.
Well I'd say the pattern is she raises your hopes and then when they are up, she attacks. So monitor yourself and when you feel your hopes being raised by her, stay calm and don't let your hopes build up. Then grey rock or yellow rock and find activities away from her to properly live your life in.
Watch videos about breadcrumbing. It's Dr. Ramani I think
@@wishuponastar3179This won't work.
After a lifetime of Ns in family, at work (lawyer) and a couple of (ex-) friends, (I was saved by a wonderful husband, children , sister), I wouldn’t say my feelings rise to a level of hate, but certainly dislike, resentment, and in a couple of cases, a physical repugnance to being in their presence. I have gone no or low contact, and I have always tried at least to act assertively and decently. and to be kind to others, but my problem at this stage is ruminating on the harm that has been done to me, and others. Some of it is trying to understand, but I really need to let go. Finding that difficult.
😢
I still catch myself dwelling, reminiscing, and ruminating. Then it morphs into regret, self- condemnation, loathing. Then I shout my hatred at the ceiling.
Hi Dr.C thank you so much for the work you are doing I’m still really realizing that my husband of 37 years is on the scale of narcissism. It’s so hard because he could be so kind and supportive and then in no time at all he is throwing contempt and criticism and judgment all over me, you are helping me survive. I do not want to divorce. I suggested a separation for us both to evaluate what marriage means to us and he has ignored my note I know he read it because it’s gone from where I put it. He is being more polite the last few days, but I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop that has been the pattern for so many long years over half my life thank you. I feel like I can hang on now.
I understand your situation! Sister in love! Hold strong!
Love this video I grew up around narcissistic people and my dad who was around very little is a huge narcissist.....as I got older in my teenage years I told myself I don't want to be nothing like that. "Changes can be generational" is a great quote as I am making a concerned effort to change my branch of the family tree with my kids. My ex is a narcissist so it's extra work but I am looking at the big picture, changing things for my kids and show them love, discipline etc....I am going to stop the viscous cycle❤❤
Narc is my 39 yr old disabled son who lives with us. We are 70 and almost 70 and his scapegoats, abused. We're suffering and the mental health system has failed us.
KICK HIM OUT! Send him OFF! Wash your hands of IT!
It would require going to court and he can't function on his own. In my state the disabled hold all the rights. I can't even get him a psych eval. Police have removed him 3x and the hospital sends him back.
We would have to press charges and a judge could side with him. He'd be living on the street if not here.
@@janettemartin4604 I'm with you on this...With a full-blown narc there will INEVITABLY be big losses...& in the best case scenario it's the loss of the relationship with the narc themself because they will always be abusive.Even being disabled,financially destitute,elderly,etc... NONE of it excuses the fact that they are still a toxic abuser ultimately.I have a narc father personally & I don't care WHAT the heck happens to him in old age, he's abusive.
My son has avoided an inpatient involuntary psych treatment three times after having the police bring him to the ER! He knows what to say to the ER social workers and comes off as the victim. And I'm faced with letting him go to a homeless.shelter or bring him home. .he knows what day of the week, who's President etc and doesn't have a plan to kill himself so he doesn't get admitted. He's been inpatient 6 times over 20.yrs. Oh and eviction would require a psych eval. A judge would possibly deem him to be fit.
Omg AHA moment!! Make statements instead of asking questions…. Brilliant. Then you’re not giving them the airspace to have an opinion on how you’re feeling. Wow. Thank you!!!
24:42 I also grew up surrounded by bad examples of conflict resolutions.
I wasn't a person of conflict, but after I learned about narcissism I was able to somewhat improve my reaction to conflicts.
As I understand, we don't have to react on a narcissist's rage - it could make us something we don't like and will not change them.
When a narc wants to start a conflict by acting aggressively, or taunting you by something you don't like - disengage, placidly create some distance, especially if it's not important.
By recognizing the triggers and your reactions you can change the way you react, and you will even feel less agitated inside.
Still in the constant freeze-fight-flight, but reacting on bad things is not a bad part of us
I feel the same. Thank you for expressing your thoughts here. 🙌🏻
Dr C my narc husband started watching your videos and using your techniques thinking it would do something to me. I laughed and noticed right away. He did that a week and realized it did nothing but make things better and stopped that asap!! Hahaha
Yea ASAP 😂
Mom is great with loaded answers
& the loaded question (criticism) when the need to goad
or taunt overtakes her.
Thank you Doc, I really appreciated the family focus today. Finding freedom and starting my journey to my place of peace after 50+ years of cult like insanity. thank you.
You have my sympathy Dr. Carter! Your family broke the generational curse!❤🙏
😢 after recognizing that I’ve been living with a narcissist, Dr. C my children, have to give me the silent treatment because of the fact that at one out of the relationship with my husband, they’re all grown, and I just don’t understand why they’re acting this way they’re all know how their father really is can you help me with this question Dr. C thank you very much
Here too. Always supportive of him. No empathy for how his behavior effected me. And they married cooperative giving partners not N’s.
I hear you 😢
Hello from California Dr. Carter, Gus and the Team Healthy Community. I always usually watch after he goes to bed. Thank you so much for this very helpful video Dr. Carter. You are a blessing to all of us and we appreciate you very much for your help. God bless.
Thanks, Alice!
exactly right ✅️ I truly believe that hate will just put you in the shipwreck with the narc. Too much damage has already been done & hate will cost you even more - yourself!!! Let go continue to heal, never allow a toxic person to be in your life. Thanks Dr. C. 😊 ABUSE OF POWER MOST DEFINITELY AS WELL.
How do get the covert narcissist (my mother) to just go away and leave you alone. She keeps sending a barrage of flying monkeys my way and tells everyone something wrong with me. I’ve chosen to go no contact to make sure myself and my families mental health and happiness comes first. At age 56, I have learned it is never to late to go no contact even if your parent is a senior.
I am in the same situation. My 75 yr old mother has gotten worse. I am a good daughter I live in another state but it’s an argument every 2 weeks because of a difference of opinion or a surprise attack from her provoking me. She twist,gaslights, brings god into it, and has turned my dad against me. This last discussion she told me she’s tired of arguing and how bad of a daughter I am. It’s horrible, my adult son overheard her twisting the truth and she overtalks him. She told me that she doesn’t want a relationship with me anymore since I won’t apologize for things I haven’t don’t. It’s dealing with the devil. I love my parents but I don’t like them anymore. I have gotten anxiety from them so bad my hearing has been going on and off. It hurts but I cannot do this anymore. I learned at age 48 she is a covert narcissist. I recorded her and went to a Christian psychiatrist and played it and right away she said something was wrong. I have determined she doesn’t like me, she has turned my good dad into a bad person, so why ruin the rest of my life. I don’t think god would want me to keep going through this torture.
17 years in a DV I was scared to leave then after major open heart surgery just left everything I'd ever worked for in my entire life grabbing my child, dog and handbag my car under finance and no job. I've gone eff this I'm outta here. I'd always been independent and worked really great jobs for a long period of time nearly 30 years and during that relationship I worked every day until I popped, I remember my doctor telling me at 5 months pregnant that it would be advisable if I stopped working, I needed to get off my feet due to excessive swelling. I couldn't stop working because I was the one paying the bills, my ex wouldn't work at that time, he was to busy bopping around in the ocean in his new boat having fun. whilst pregnant while being the sole bread winner while dh didn't work and did what he wanted. First day home after giving birth when I'm on maternity leave he has the cheek to say that we the new born and I better move out because he has a boat loan to pay. He decided to get a job to pay for his new toy. I had planned to be on maternity leave for 12 months from work which is paid leave. However no he wasn't having that at 5 months he was DEMANDING I return back to work. Which meant me paying for full-time creche fees while I worked full-time which didn't make sense anyway almost 8 years on Im trying to recover from major surgery and ex letting me know how much of an inconvenience I am to him after surgery and him slamming doors yelling the works. Here I am struggling to open a door nob or walk further than the mail box he's cracking the absolute shits with me because I've asked him to hang out our child's washing because I was unable to lift my hands over my head after surgery. I wish I had left when I came home with our new born or better still since everything in that house I'd owned, and my job was literally 10 mins away he could of moved. He wasn't going to move because the house had a perfect long driveway and garage for his boat. The absolute bs never ended there even after I left, the no child support because he said he could only look after himself for years and years afterwards, selfish doesn't cover it when it comes to these a holes. I've some more colourful word's 😅😅. They use to call me a freak at work cause i had a almost photographic memory for everything on my accounts and working unbelievable hours with child in bouncer next to my desk to earn an income, I had a literal bald patch of hair that had fallen out one side of my head, over worked at work and at home no wonder i ended up on the slab. I survived that bs, Ive the most delightful child. I won in that regard. I hope hes enjoying his piece of metal, his boat lol. I'd be at the office unpaid late at night with our child with me to catch up on work I needed to do to keep my job because I'd taken so much leave from work to look after our child when they were sick from everything our child picked up from creche. He wouldn't share the responsibility of caring for our child and take a day off to parent. However he didn't have a problem taking a day off work to go out in the ocean. I know how I ended up with such a looser it was my incredible upbringing with my awesome parents that taught me abuse was love. DOH!!! I've paid off that car under finance, it did sit for 5 years not driven due to not been able to drive it the motor was dead. I was isolated out bush no public transport finance company wouldn't allow me to sell the car without going bankrupt. I've drawn down my superannuation from working every year for financial hardship I pay the car off full engine rebuild, big bucks get my shit together to go back out to work force and covid hits another 2 years of isolation BRILLIANT!! Then more dramatic stuff (life) am grateful I've a roof over our heads and working towards the next step. Adversities ey. Almost 7 months of these videos have saved my sanity with the current bs situation I've now found myself in. I'm a slow learner
So sorry Dinky. It sounds like you are very persistent with providing for your child and yourself. Some people are very selfish and immature. I have a difficult time with controlling my “magical thinking” and try to hold onto the beliefs that people can change. But as Maya Angelou said, “when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
You did the right thing by leaving❣️
@@chip4003 Thanks, unfortunately I didn't feel it was safe to stay. Material things can be replaced 👍❤️ It's been an adventure getting back on my feet.
You're an Angel Dr. C. Thank you for guiding me these past three years. You saved my sanity.
You are so welcome, Ann.
I find myself going into the narcissistic traits because of the cPTSD I've developed. It's like I wanted him to suffer and experience what he made me experience for years. Now I catch myself saying this is not me. I don't want a bad person to make me a bad person. He is already suffering internally and that's karmic enough.
same thing is happening with me.. they bring out the worst in you.
I recently got sucked in by my narcissistic mom being very nice to me. Afterward, I realized that I had been love bombed and hoovered -- totally manipulated. I had avoided seeing her for months, and I knew the lack of control over me would be eating at her. I was prepared for an unpleasant encounter, but she threw me completely off balance with sweetness. Intellectually, I knew she was being phoney, but emotionally, she hooked me. Will I ever be able to deal with her fake love offensives? Will my inner child ever stop hoping she'll change?
I thought was more difficult but ... No too difficult thing is the damages that goes with It and the recovery that the person never gets unless...
The problem for me was that the Narcissist's...(plural) could not fit me in a mold....I did not fit. My refusal to over look grievious actions, slander and cheating was very heavily met with distain and comptempt. I was called indiffetent and not a team player. But that was ok with me my values, character and integrity were more important. Standing in our beliefs of morality is foreign to these people. Thanks Dr. C. Hugs for Guss!!
Enjoy the Q&A style. As always, thank you!🩵
Making your helpful show a big part of me healing from Narc abuse.
I've so much to learn.🎉
To think 'other', the thing they never allowed you to do. Bring it on ✋✌
Thank you Dr.C I have learned so much about being myself and that it’s ok to be me thank you I’m no longer feel the need to fight for my rights with anyone or the narcissist in my live .
He said something in this video, that brought to mind something we used to say to our middle school dance teams whenever they said I can't. You have to tell yourself I can with practice same thing here it may take time but don't give up You can with practice
Awesome! Reminds me of a tenant of mine once with special needs but very capable kid who always said "Can't Never Did Anything!"...
He taught me to correct way to paint and we learned laminate flooring, fiberglass patching, sheetrock repair, floor moulding trim and homemade counter tops, restoring cupboards and tile, etc, etc.. together
My question is do these narcissistic people get it through their heads when you try to explain things to them?
Hell no
No... simple answer. It's like you're banging your head against a wall and it's only you that ends up with the headache. I am married to one 27 years. Mind yourself.
I'm so tired Dr.C.
Between my own narcissistic family and trying to figure out who my inlaws are and whether or not to continue to put myself into these relationships.
I'm so tired. I just want to crawl into a cave where none of these people can find me.
How will I ever trust anyone? I actually fear people and do all I can to avoid people.
I prefer the company of animals and my own children.
I just want to avoid everyone else.
How will I ever learn to trust anyone after being in so many one sided "relationships".
I just want them to leave me alone completely. And I'm isolated by choice.
Dr Carter, get a proof reader / troll blocker to zap hateful comments but pass on useful feedback. Protect yourself so you can keep doing what you’re doing.
I want to add that I enjoyed this video , because of the balance of positive and teaching. I can cope with this type of video because it's not all about the negative traits. Yes , I understand that the videos are about narcissism , I see good character and other. I have learnt to keep things simple as a way to cope. Im not qualified to diagnose anyone , but I do know the type of person I like to be with. Team healthy is good and I think my friend❤
That's why I love this channel and why it's important to me. Dr Carter talks to the heart of dignity, respect and civility. I want to be a more mature, kind, compassionate and loving person that will not engage in immature, disrespectful, and unkind relationships. That doesn't serve anyone. My father was an angry, self-motivated individual. To be kind, he wasn't someone who could or wanted to be the type of father for me that I needed in my life. That said, I loved him, but I realized that his inability to father me the way that is in line with DRC wasn't happening. If he were here today, he'd agree with that. For me, it's about having long standing, important relationships that are meaningful to me as well as the other person. This is what makes life worth living. It's not meeting someone on the level of contempt. It's about being as true to yourself as to the people in your life. I am deserving of great relationships and the people who care about me deserve that as well. THANK YOU Dr Carter. You are the blessing in our life.
Stay true to you, team healthy!
I enjoy your delivery. Your account of what the narcissist is thinking is right on! Makes me laugh out loud. I'm glad that I can chuckle now at your accurate rendition of what the narcissist may be thinking 😄
Team Healthy!!! I like that. You are helping me so much. I’m grateful. Thank you, Dr. C
So pleased!
As a parent of an adult narcissistic son. All the literature is pretty discouraging for us parents who always hope that the narcissist could get better.
Is there hope?
The old saying is that hope is not a strategy. Sometimes you have to remind yourself to make decisions on the facts, not just hope. My heart is with you.
Wow! Good stuff. I needed to hear these coping tools when dealing with a narcissist.
Every question resonated with me. Some tears flowed without want others gracefully. I'm understanding my past needs understanding, my present requires knowledge and my future hopes for healing. I'm glad you shared your age because I am 58 and was thinking will I ever get it right? I've put a halt on intimate relationships because I have a mountain of replicas. My goal is to finish strong and to release those destructive holds that have been binding me to satan for far too long. Thank you for these videos.
Thank you Sir for all that you do for us! ❤🙏
My father never had an explosive temper. However, he was very, very judgemental and rejecting if he believed you were doing the wrong thing. He also believed in corporal punishment. I always put it down to that was the way with people of his generation.
Thank you so much dr Carter. I deeply appreciate and am grateful for everything you do for me. ❤
Hi. I also am 4-5 generation of recovery from that controlling anger. Was of a religious nature. My dad was also in the military and was trying, as a wounded son, to parent me and my sibs. Gave us enough tools to support eachother in our healing, while also, sadly, wounding each of us. He died teo years ago. Its a reset time for each of us. We are listening eachother to health. Blessings in your grief and growth.
It's really encouraging that you are so devoted to generational change.
Dr., ,thank you so much for your wonderful work!
You're quite welcome.
You are such a blessing! Thank you 🙏 🦋♾️🦋
Hi Dr. C, thank you so much for your videos! I was wondering could you talk about narcissistic siblings? Thanks again!
Your content done in such a calm soothing voice is so helpful. Thank you for your videos.
You are so welcome!
You are much appreciated 🌹Dr Carter
Thanks so much, Teresa
It's hard work to stay emotionally sober.. kind of like holding a plank.. my insides quiver and shake violently, but I have to keep my form.. aka composure. My face speaks volumes of what I'm feeling or thinking and I have to keep it from twitching..and my eyebrows from lifting in curiosity and confusion. all while controlling my vocals when speaking.. to high he knows he has me in his throws to low. He knows he has hurt me.. in addition to maintaining good posture and not letting my body language speak .... I am not built for this...
I will count the small successes though.... I didn't respond to loooooooong baiting text.
And when asked if I got it, simply responce was was yes..
I was waiting for the silent treatment... but I think maybe I confused him because he didn't bring it up again.
I have wins and losses everyday... me trying to gain control of my life has become a constant daily battle..it's new for me I'm just realizing after 11 years of marriage who I am now attached to until death do us part.... I feel like I been hit by a mac truck..the struggle is real...I'm literally exhausted.
I am appreciative of this information and to you Dr C. This is the first time I have wrote a comment... I can use help and encouragement I am still so much in love with my husband but I have to live and breathe for Christ and myself. I have made my husband an idol... and I need to make changes immediately. So I can be more emotionally healthy for myself and my children... even if he isnt.
GOD BLESS YOU! Stay strong!
Dr C I am in a difficult (emotional) place where I have announced/decided to move forward with divorcing my N spouse after 33 years and having to deal with family members not knowing what is going on…while at the same time being the only one in the relationship that wans to/needs to deal with the NOW but only have circulatory conversation to remind me of their past…
At some point, you'll need to do what you know is wise and if others understand, that will be a bonus. You can explain your decision to key people, but make room for the blow-back, especially from the narcissist. Don't be too defensive, and let it be known calmly that this has been building for a long time and it is not a frivolous decision. Then once you've given your best explanation, let your character be your leading quality.
Dr. C, can you please talk about what drives a narcissist’s lack of reciprocity? No matter how hard my husband and I try, it’s never enough for my mother-in-law. She expects us to drive two hours to visit her every month, but she doesn’t ever initiate any plans. I’ve been initiating things because I know that if we go a while without seeing her, she’s passive aggressive and tries to blame me for keeping her son away from her. She doesn’t understand that healthy relationships are a two way street and has caused me so much anxiety. Please help.
We live an hour and a half from my father; and since his health has started to deteriorate, he pretty much insists on weekly visits. Also because of his health, our visits are not without a sometimes sizable measure of frustration and stress; and, I can't deny that they are sometimes a strain on our schedule. In my case, my Dad was a very good father to us and husband to my mother. I'd suggest that, even if your mother-in-law is difficult, continue with the monthly visits. Don't expect her to reciprocate.
Hi from New Zealand. I love your videos. I love the well balanced nature of everything you share with us. Very helpful. Thank you and God bless you. Very much appreciated.
Thanks so much! So good to be with you on the other side of the globe!
Hi Dr. C, I’ve been following you and listening to your You Tube channel for almost three years, although I’m rarely able to join you live. Finally, after 2 1/2 years I have been able to go “No Contact.” What a freedom that has been. I’m now in Recovery from misuse of alcohol and I’d like to know your thoughts on adding my ex to my list of people to whom I need/want to make amends. I’ve already apologized for my part in the difficult relationship, but I’m not sure whether or not I want to open the lines of communication even if just by email. Thank you for all that you share. It has been a true gift to me.
I assume you are referring to Step 4. Sometimes the person in question is too toxic, so a clean alternative is to write a letter to that person explaining your thoughts, then holding onto the letter for yourself. Make sure you see the video, The "I Release You" Response To A Narcissist.
Thank you...
These videos have been extremely helpful and informative. I look forward to listening to them. This video brought up something I don’t quite understand - self loathing/self hatred and shame to the point of substance abuse/addiction that contributes to self destruction. How/why does the narcissist hate themselves so much? Do they realize it? Is this what they project?
Thank you
I ❤ this community. I'm in the thick of it. And I've had to drag myself off the ground back up. Where I was when I came here 10 😢😢😢 years ago❤😅❤❤❤😇😇😇😇😇😇😇
Really enjoyed listening to this particular video , thank you very much.
Glad you enjoyed it
Could you speak more about covert narcissism and sexual manipulation and exploitation? Thank you!
How to deal with the lies your spouse tells to his therapist? It makes me feel as if it ity fault for all the harsh things he says.
Hi thanks for your life saving advise!
😂that is exactly what my husband says when he catches me watching your video's DR.C 😆
In response to the person that tape records the conversations. I have a ? What does it say about a person that feels the need to bring up past statements you've said. I have never understood the sense behind this behavior. My spouse and I lived together a number of years before we wed. Along the way I had written a note explaining why I felt I couldn't stay in this relationship. Well. At our wedding reception we sat alone for a bit and this note is given to me as if to say.. and you said... Boy did I felt belittled. What causes a person to need to do something like this.
My ex would mock me, belittle me, scoff at me, start fights with me, and patronize me for learning about NPD and watching other psychology or self help videos. If I brought up anything about self improvement or healthy relationship dynamics, especially in relation to our issues, he'd accuse me of being a know-it-all or wannabe guru, and trying to control him. He'd say "I don't need you; I'm gonna heal on my own." Or he would take it as an insult and try to point out how "I'm not perfect," and start either bringing issues up from the past or trying to find other ways I "failed" in the relationship, even if he literally made it up/none of those things were true