Terri, your mother is right. I almost feel you could tell a narcissist ( to their face ) they're evil and they would laugh. They are sick, twisted monsters.
I have gone "no contact" with my malignant narc husband after a DV incident. He called me from jail the following morning and threatened to kill the kids, me, and himself (on a recorded line). I have an emergency protective order, and am working on a divorce and sole custody of our kids. He is sending his flying monkeys after me, and regularly posts "poor me" posts on FB. It is astounding to me that even though he is facing a felony, lost his job, lost his home, and lost his wife and kids, he still won't take personal responsibility. But I am holding firm to my boundaries, picking up the pieces, and determined to follow the path of healing.
Hello Lari, I fully understand the danger, as I do not believe he is bluffing. I have made my home a fortress, and have contingency plans. We take proper precautions and I am watching my back. Thank you for your concern. 🙂
Be sure to document any contact that person initiates & preferably keep security cameras on your 🏡 because any footage can potentially be used as evidence in court against him.Probably 1 of the most nasty things about narcs is that they live & die by their APPEARANCE to the outside 🌎 so they can potentially go many years without having a history of violent behavior & then out of nowhere they start that 💩 up.They tend to do especially bad when under stress &/or once they're old & washed up and can't hardly reel in narcissistic supply anymore... They're not capable of regulating their emotions internally like normal people so this makes them very dysregulated & volatile.Stay strong & maintain no-contact with him and virtually anyone that voluntarily associates with him in virtually any way to prevent information leaks.Good luck, you've made the right choice for yourself & your kids even if it isn't easy👏🏻👍🏻👍🏻.
Me too! I love how Dr C. articulates the values. We do need each other 🩷 Thank you to all of you- And Dr C. you are terrific Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU 🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷
I have been victim of a smear campaign. Internally, it drives me crazy when people just assume that the narcissist is telling the truth. Thus far I have taken the high road: I don't complain or explain to anyone.
Your productive, meaningful-to-you actions (not defending and explaining) moving forward in your life will be the real response... the real explanation for anyone who matters.
That's what I do. My husband has gone so far as to tell neighbors lies about me. It's gotten so I dread even walking to my car. I just don't understand how they believe him when he's the one constantly over reacting, and I'm the calm one. Everything is my fault in his opinion.
@@Hatbox948 IMO - I sometimes wonder if some people simply enjoy the drama of watching someone suffer. Also, the heat is not on them, so they view it as a form of entertainment. That is very sick thinking on their part, by the way.
I divorced my covert narcissistic ex husband 2 yrs ago. I went no contact after several nasty phone calls from him. My 2 little grandsons told me after the 1st year apart that they missed seeing me AND him together at holidays etc. So last Memorial day I decided to give it a try at a cookout at our son's new house. Over the past year and including the recent birth of a new granddaughter, I have seen him more frequently than I care to. Especially when he says something insensitive in my presence. It seems to Trigger me and I end up with nightmares again etc. I have set a boundary with my grown children for Easter, since it's also around my birthday this year. Too many bad memories of him ruining holidays and birthdays. I feel almost guilty for not sharing the holiday at easter dinner planned for Saturday but, instead, have offered to make breakfast casseroles and stop by on the actual holiday instead. I just need a break from him from time to time
Forget it he may even be working on the grand kids. So just stay no contact. If either of you were dead they would have to just put up with that. I am sure they probably prefer nice relaxed granny without Narc boy. Than seeing you hyper and uneasy.
@@MCat-yv3hl I have a similar issue. The narcissistic sibling in my life has been horrible to me my entire life. The sibling is now at the end stages of life, and lives thousands of miles away. Some relatives are urging me to visit the person, but the sibling has not made requests to see me, and never says he/she loves me. I prefer to stay far away. I have sympathy for the sibling, and send positive messages/texts of encouragement, but it is too emotionally draining to risk face to face contact.
@@butterflygirl2285 You’re lucky there is that distance, as you might find yourself where you don’t want to be. It’s amazing the trail they leave behind of those who are close to them they try to control, manipulate, blame & act superior to, chaos, drama. Then getting sucked back into it? Then suddenly the N’s partner wants a birthday card sent for his “special day” next month & supplied a PO Box…decisions. With the corruption of these agencies & guardianships you have a choice whether to stick your nose in to ensure all is well, or out of concern, blood does make you family. (Maybe I’m off topic here?)…Or repeat, “Not my circus, not my monkey”, & then myob…hope he’s learned something about humanity, empathy & kindness while on this planet. Best wishes.
You clearly have had a traumatic time with this partner so why in heavens name would you expose your poor little grandchildren to him. Narcs don't differentiate between kids and adults. Given the chance he will groom one or both of these kids. Why would you not explain to the kids you don't get along. I have two grandsons and I explained that Granny and Granda don't live together they have different lives now. They are five and seven. They are fine with it. It gives you a chance on your own to bond and spoil them without the person who makes you feel anxious and annoyed plus its playing a dangerous game if he really rattles you it might result in a scene. Don't you want these little chaps to be free of exposure to that kind of behaviour. The fact you have posed the question tells me that you are not totally on board with being around this person. As my sister would say Let it go Louis
So funny, my narc mom tried to "punish" me by ignoring and shunning me. Easily done, at 2,000 miles away. I loved it. When she finally realized that, she got much more angry. 😁. So sorry (not). What was so clear was that there was nothing I could do to make her happy. But I could add to my happiness! Love you and your work, Dr. C, bless you.
@@Horseluvver Unfortunately it's hard to prove. It seems narcissism is on a spectrum. It's only recently that the words gaslighting and coercive control has become apparent. But at least domestic abuse for all concerned is taken more seriously these days. Take care 🙏
My narc, violent older sister abused me all my life. We are in our 70's now. I didn't know what Narcissism was until a few years ago, thanks to Dr. Les Carter. When my sister went into another narc rage recently, I told her I will call the police on her if she touches me, or even gets within my three feet of personal space without my permission, because I feared for my life. I never knew I had that option...she had me so brainwashed. That did the trick! Lol 😅 She is very haughty and her fake public image most important to her. The thought of her being handcuffed and hauled away in front of the neighbors was so horrifying to her, she stopped her abuse. I had enough confidence from that to quickly move out away from her, even though I was homeless for a period of time. Oh Sweet Freedom!!! 😃👍🙏
Sounds just like my older sister. Yikes. Before I found out about narcissism I would say to my covert husband, hey you should get together with my older sister or my mom because you're all alike and should get along famously. I was always trying to fix him up with his own kind!!! I'm sorry but I would love to see what would happen with a couple like that.
Glad you got away.If someone is physically attacking you...Get away from them by any means necessary even if you have to punch them so hard that you send them into orbit as you 🏃♀️ out the 🚪 because in dire situations like that,you can't always reason with them peacefully with words unfortunately😬.Studies have started to show a link between narcissism & aggression as well as violent behavior...They don't all snap but the risk is higher for them than the general population.
Great points Dr. Bottom line... relationships are not hard when 2 people are working at it. as someone once said it's hard for one person to push a couch BUT with 2 people pushing a couch that's really easy. relationships are not that complicated...they're really not that difficult . so if it is then it's time to start planning your exit quietly.... Prayerfully.... accurately❤
The cruelest gaslighting involves trying to convince someone they're crazy. Not by making the lights go out like in the movie. Straight up telling another human being that they are mentally unstable. Over and over again. Over the course of decades. Desperately trying to get it to sink in. Meet my mother.
I’ll admit that sometimes I feel crazy. It seems reasonable that anyone who is self aware and caring will be driven to their emotional edge by the narcissist from time to time. We are only human after all.
In discussing his substance abuse issues just yesterday day in a authoritative kinda way he said “ask anyone - everyone thinks your overly-religious because …. well even you know you are. “ Because of your help doctor and research and without any expectations I responded “ I do not know any such thing and btw the truth is -every human being is THE number one authority on what they know and believe. I added “ I should go now but we can talk more later but this convo is not super healthy but we’ll talk again maybe next time we all feel healthier and stronger but I hope you have a great day! Then I just left smiled waved and left. I felt so good for not taking the bait and arguing about why have hope or why I go to church or why I pray or or forgive others so easily. All problems he thinks I was sooo thinking of all of you here on Team Healthy! Love you each from me-- “43 years of abuse and bondage now 13 months of safety and peace!!!” We can be strong
Some narcissist say this in order to get their way. They are frustrating to deal with so be thoughtful. Respect is mutual and truthful. Narcissist won't reflect fairly.
I feel like different narsisitic relationships have different trauma. Husband/wife, parent/child, employer/employee, inlaws.... We could go on. I come from an upbringing and received by both parents, this abuse. When narcism hits the base of a person's life, like in parent/child relationship it is extra confusing because that's what you know to be "normal". It took me forty years to figure out and unravel what's healthy, and now have answers to my triggers, and NOW can finally start to heal. I can breathe away from the narc rents.
I am from Germany and I thank you from the bottom of my heart , you are helping me in so many ways and I feel so understood, and finally I know what happens to me.... Going through a discard right now and trying to protect that little sanity I have left. Thank you Dr. Carter 💐
My narc seems like a hungry but very patient wolf circling me at a distance sizing up my strengths and weaknesses and ready to pounce if he senses my guard is down.
That's why it's very exhausting to deal with these predatory screwballs,you can't drop your guard even if they're acting "nice" because the love-bombing is just to groom you for abuse😬.Grey rock & stay strong👍🏻.
When I went no contact with my narcissistic ex, he accused me of 'bullying'. According to him, I'm the mean one! That would have nothing to do with his preceeding behavior! What a crazy, no-win scenario!
That's exactly what my narc sister accusés me of, because I refuse to meet with her horrible husband. It was always two against one. I've offered to partake in family therapy by they refuse. Instead, they accuse me of bullying by exclusion.
Sorry i missed you but listening now I have convinced myself that I am the crazy one but now that I live alone there is no more stress Even my OCD is reduced considerably🥰👍
Yes, I've had to remind my son to not lower himself to her standard in revenge. I praise him for resisting (to the point of shaking) hitting her back & walking away..she is trying to push him to be like her for some sick sense of satisfaction. Thank you for the sweet spirit in which you teach these very difficult problems❤
I agree with you, Dr. Carter. Setting boundaries means that you are not going to permit toxic individuals to cross the line. For example, my narcissist son invited my younger son, my sister and myself over for Christmas dinner. I planned ahead and thought that by keeping the conversation very light and not ask any questions that would cause conflict (i.e. what happened between you and your baby mama) I could have a decent time with my son. Well...unfortunately, that didn't happen because while we were en route, he called my younger son screaming at him that we were not on time and that he needed the whipped cream that I was bringing over (he conviently forgot that he told me what time he wanted us there and we were on time). My younger son backed out and that was his way of setting a boundary (if you're going to rage like a toddler over something petty, then I'm not going). So, my sister and I went there. The whole time that we were there, he barked orders like a dictator and complained about how much work he had to do to prepare the holiday dinner. He would not stop no matter how much reasoning and reassuring I did to calm him down, he would not stop. I ended up telling him that I couldn't handle this behavior and called my younger son to pick me up. My narcissist son then raged and said "if you leave here, don't ever come back" So my sister and I left and my younger son had said to me "now you know why I didn't go. He's not going to talk to me like that." Anyway, about a week later, I texted my son and explained to him why we left and how his behavior was toxic and destructive and that he keeps driving people away. His response was "I don't need your lecture, I don't need anybody." So then I told him okay, that's fine but that's going to include your children because they're not going to be little kids forever and they are not going to want to put up with your HORRIBLE attitude and behavior when they are old enough to be on their own. Uh...he didn't care. His response was go pound sand. The point is that you cannot reason with these people. After that event , I went hard core no contact. I removed him from all social media and blocked him. I removed all pictures, messages, cards, etc and put up a wall. I don't even discuss him anymore with my younger son because it only makes it worse. I've accepted this to mean the end and so it's the end. The grandchildren are also cut off because they were used as pawns to solicit abuse. Sooooo done.
Hi Dr C, from Melbourne, Australia. The information and learning from your videos has provided answers and understanding to the chaos that has been endured for 30+ years. Have found the strength and ability to reclaim my life. Thank you😊
This message is for the woman that found the inappropriate text message on her husband's phone. My heart goes out to you. Totally Unacceptable!!! My husband's had a friend. She was the reason for our divorce!!! His friend said I was very pretty...BS You deserve respect!!! You hold on to that respect. Before you know it they'll step all over you. That text message was completely inappropriate. Protect yourself. Never ignore your intuition! There's a reason why its there. And be kind to yourself 🙏
Excellent stream Dr. Carter. Love ❤️ it 🙋🏾♀️. I caught the replay and definitely great information 😊. You’re definitely helping many of us who are still healing from Narcissistic abuse 🙏🏾. Thank you.
@@tmo.48 It's crazy to me that the baiting takes so many forms..... I get guilt baited and blow up. I really hate the I poor me disguised as love and care....... when it gets them what they need if you comply and if you don't it gets them the advantage of what a horrible person I am and elevates them to sainthood! Then if I say I'm sorry for upsetting them, they say I've not upset them!😧
@@tmo.48 Yep I fell for it everytime, he used to insult my family especially my sister and I just hated it. It was bait to make me look the crazy one infront of the children.
@@bereal6590 I just found your comment! It's a month old and it just now popped up, that's weird. Anyhow, I just came to an epiphany myself on the whole shabang and it's this: if I am in my truth and ANYONE comes at me no matter their approach and I sense ANY confusion...then I kindly depart or stay quiet. I find that confusion is of evil, and I want nothing to do with it. That is my northern star/guiding light nowadays. I have the not taking bait down to a science, you can see them coming for miles and it just destroyes them when they're left holding their bait cause no one's biting. It's really time to go no contact then because they turn to more devious ploys to get back at you for not biting. They are sooo immature.
Listening. I'm concerned about codependency vs our need for connection. This topic feels fitting. Boy did he wear me down. Resurfacing slowly. Healthy living. Job 1.
Hello from Brisbane Australia 🇦🇺. Thank you for being part of my journey post separation. Can you talk about financial control and legl abuse by the narcissist after separation. Please. Thanks. Marisa
Hi Dr. Carter, Gus and Team Healthy from California. If your Narc is having an affair help him or her pack and call a taxie for them. You have not lost anything. I can relate to being smeared so much because I was the only thing he knew to talk about. He entertained a dinner party talking very badly about me when I was delayed getting there. The husband told me when I arrived at the door and asked me if I wanted him to ask him to leave. Also if you are living in a sexless marriage, that is another form of control. Thank you for a great session Dr. Carter. We appreciate you so much.
Well when they tell you they are a demon what sane person would want to have sex with them. If two people can't get along because of personality conflicts, sex will never heal it so why have it.
Oh, how many, many times I question whether I truly AM crazy! Have I caused ALL of this turmoil in my family's life? I had never SEEN such families until I married into this one. (Culture SHOCK!) And, it was as though, the FIRST time we all met together AFTER my marriage into it, they were just SO DIFFERENT. I was barely 18, but HOW had I missed that--or had it been opened to me before? I have watched them do this to other 'outsider' family members. I am truly in a family cult. However, with GREAT suffering and the constant help of God, I have made it to the last hitch of my life, and now I am the care giver to the very one who tried killing me in the past. Life is hard. Thanks, Dr. Carter. You are a God-send to me.
So easy to be fooled, especially during the love bombing stage. And as a normal caring person it's hard to imagine that people can be so cruel and manipulative. It does make you feel crazy. Sending blessings that you find your way to a peaceful life where you are loved and cared for in the way you deserve.
Re divorce, I think it is also a question of safety and whether you need a plan to maximize your safety when leaving, since violence is most likely to occur in a controlling relationship when the controller loses control.
To the woman whose narcissistic spouse is saying don’t blame me when she misplaces her glasses, should consider that her spouse might be hiding her stuff to make her think that she’s absent-minded. That’s a classic gas-lighting move that I sadly to say know all too well. From my keys to my glasses to important papers-of course he was always my savior who could find anything that I misplaced. After 16 years of this behavior along with raging, lying, and making me feel like I was going crazy, I finally found the strength to leave him. No longer am I always losing my stuff. Instead I lost him!!!
Such a good point. I used to be constantly stranded at home because I couldn't find my keys. It seemed like they would magically appear in the evenings. We lived way out in the country so it wasn't like I could walk , catch a bus or cab. One day by chance I was looking out the window as my ex-husband was leaving and I saw him step up on the porch railing and put something in the gutter. After he left I went and got a step stool and looked. He put my car keys in the gutter. All those months I thought I was losing my mind. He had been taking my keys and hiding them in the gutter. It was easy for him being tall . I dint tell him I new. I just went and made many copies and hid them around. I started planning my escape not long after that. He was very abusive. Also , he hid a small radio in the attic. Above the bed. It played really quiet on talk radio. At night I would wake up and think I was hearing voices. I started investigating after the keys incident and found that and many things he had done to me
I entirely agree about the security between a couple to know each other's passwords, etc. Those things should be accessible with one another and inaccessible for anyone outside of the relationship.
Hi Dr Carter, I'm from Sydney, Australia and I totally enjoy your videos. Thank you for your topic on Narcissism, I certainly have learnt quite a bit on the subject. Kind regards, Denise 😊
In bringing up problems, I’ve often heard this from the Narcissist, “I can’t say anything. I’m always being criticized.” Even though the problem does not directly relate to a personal matter, out comes the victim!
I am going back-and-forth between OK I’ve got this and wait a minute it’s not that bad maybe I am crazy! For about eight months or so now I’ve been researching this topic to try and figure out what has led me to this point in my life. Just when I think I’m starting to get a handle something weird happens, like a book about codependency that I’ve been reading just magically comes up missing but he never saw the book and doesn’t know what I’m talking about. thank you for work on the subject and your cheerful disposition.
I don't think narcissistic/sociopathic opportunists feel remorse or guilt in any wrongdoing. They can act incredibly cruel on a regular basis and feel absolutely no guilt about it. Maybe that's why they typically don't change?
Thank for these helpful videos Dr. C! Hoping you could address the complexities of dealing with a BPD/NPD sibling that recently got sober? I hoped that the damaging behavior would stop when the substances did, but they only seem to intensify. She's been mostly clean for 6 months with a few slip ups and I'm finding it even more difficult to figure out how to navigate our relationship. Have been gray rock for some time now, but our mom keeps insisting that we support her as she is unwell and needs unconditional love. I want to provide that, but keep being put in uncomfortable situations and having a hard time with the juggle of boundaries vs. compassion. Would LOVE if you could approach this scenario as I know I'm not the only one facing this struggle while trying to heal ❤
Hi Dr C, I am from Perth Western Australia, and I love you and respect you so much, you are a very good man. Thanks so much for your work, I don't feel so alone and crazy because of you.
On a daily, I listen to the reverberation in your voice, your way with words, and the entertaining way you engage with us! Makes sense to me now, hearing for the first time the reveal, you were once on the radio! Thanks for consistently providing awareness and education on the topic of narcissism.
I love Dr. Carter. Sometimes I feel like i dont need therapy w his videos n books im reading.❤❤❤. You have helped me a great deal to understand what Im walking through and how to be healthy n protect my peace
I resonate with this. I got to the point where they were accusing me of the most crazy idiomatic things, and it seem like they really believe them selves. They created this false picture of me that they hated so much, and it got too much to have to defend myself. When every time I try to give it! I was told it was an excuse.
Really confused,Daughter called me a narcissist,and I have depended on her more since Covid and am older so have had more health issues,she's mad because I'm using her,she says that I'm supposed to be the strong one and I was a terrible mother(yes there were some bad choices but I never didn't love my kids and do the best I knew how to do.she says She's done helping and we need time apart,I agreed because after the tounge lashing after MY last doctor visit,feel like I'm don't deserve to be talked to so harshly,I ve said I was sorry many tjmes for the mistakes I made over thirty years ago and frankly,it hurts but I won't bow down any more
You have relieved me about my children telling me I’m narcissistic. I have asked you that question and it was answered today. Also the interpretation of my going through my partners phone after being suspicious of his cheating on me was wonderful. I never wanted to snoop but he gave me reason. I have felt guilty for a long time but now I now longer do. THANK YOU
I'm realizing that there's a difference between making peace and being peaceful. There is no fruitful talking with people who are full of mistaken projective interpretations, unrecognized presumptions, misinterpretations, and who evidence no desire to self correct wrong view or wrong interpretation. Noble silence is the best course. There is no fruitful listening to other's toxic belittling and accusations based on projective interpretations, unrecognized presumptions and misinterpretations.
Oh come on now - give it a quarter century before you rush to judgement (lol). If it were not for Dr Carter (and others) I would still be trying to make it work and trying to explain and reassure and reason and and and waste every iota of energy striving not to be misunderstood and blamed.
This is for Dr. C. Thank you so much for your wise advice in dealing with these difficult people. It's been a game changer for me. Would love to see a video on Comic Relief when dealing with a narcissist. Example: the narcissist devalues you, then stomps out of the room and stonewalls you for hours or better still, the rest of the day. What do you do as a devalued target? Answer: Say to yourself "Of Course".Celebrate the peace and quiet. ( Of course this only works after a person has embraced Team Healthy). Sense of humor and laughter can be good medicine sometimes.😊
Mine is a communal narcissistic bully. Most of the neighbors on my street are afraid of him. They placate him. I won't. I don't acknowledge him. I feel like I'm living with a bunch of third graders. He wants me to join his club of hating the manager of the development. I won't. That makes me everybody's enemy. It's juvenile behavior. Cat calling. Passing remarks. My boundary is.. not lowering myself to their level.
I set boundaries and when I veer off and call I almost instantly regret it. This person reminds me why I set the boundaries in the first place and I beat myself up for making that call. There’s something inside every adult child of a narcissistic parent that wants to believe that parent is capable of being decent. They aren’t. I’ll admit, I’m better at giving advice than following it, but I’m gonna say this anyway- For your own peace of mind, don’t make that call
Dr. C! Thank you so much for these videos!! I would never be able to describe to you what they have done for me! Sending good vibes from Western New York. Have been gaslighted by my very bright daughter for years!
Hi…. I am in the same position as you. My 32 year old son has been mistreating me for most of his life. I’m finally beginning to believe he could be a narcissist and I am completely broken. 😞
My brother recently confronted me. After I gave him 3 full paragraphs about why I'm done being abused by our mom, his response was, "well you can think and believe what you want!. Which feels just like what my mom's last words were, "you're a liar! You're crazy! And if that's what you think and feel then you can leave!" I left, that was almost a decade ago. I had grief over the mom and dad I never got to experience, ironically I haven't felt anything but relief since I got out of that relationship. I feel relief not having to get calls from her. I feel relief that she won't do a drop in on me when she feels like it. I feel relief that I don't have to ever sit in another restaurant while she says loud and derogatory comments about other patrons. I feel relief that she isn't around to insert herself in an aggressive and domineering way in every aspect of my life. I feel relief that I'm no longer the target of a bully, narcissistic, mother. The best choice for me was no contact with my entire family. Now that my abusive brother is blocked, I feel relief.
One thing that we must understand with these demons is that it never ends it never ever ends if it looks like they're on their way to being a gloriously, awesome & amazing person just believe that if you're really dealing with this type of person it's an illusion because the foolishness just never ends.... they are plotting something else and you need to plan to get out
@@tmo.48 keep searching...I didn't believe it at first but all signs point towards this truth. Your total and complete destruction is their number 1 priority. They will break you down so much that either they will destroy you themselves or cause you to want to destroy yourself. Very very very very dangerous people.
My mother, sadly, was a narcissist. She has Alzheimer's now & is pretty docile, for the most part now & can no longer hurt me with her crude comments, emotional neglect, etc..But, when I was young & growing up if we ever had a dispute or a difference of opinion, she never really listened to me, cause HER opinion is th eonly one that mattered! She would just turn around to me & with a scowl on her face, and say "Are you Crazy? Because I think you are!" It really hurt me...Knowing I was quite sane! It wasn't till decades later, I realized she had gaslit me my whole childhood. When that happens to you, it's hard to know (from your own perspective) what's real & what's not! Painful to rebuild trust in yourself....took me a long time!
My next door neighbors are aggressive attention seekers. They are extremely competitive and are great with putdowns. My husband and I love our privacy ( we lived here first) . I tried being nice to them at first until I realized that they want to be put on a pedestal. We have done our best to mind our own business, a couple of years ago they ran a smear campaign and told other people in our neighborhood that they were "offended" because I don't acknowledge them every time they come outside. They said that I thought I was more "real" than them. They are really rude to me and so I decided to grey rock and go no contact because they were stressing me out. The wife comes out when I'm in my yard and tries to Kill me with kindness. The other day I was minding my own business and she said "be that way" when I didn't respond to her. I held my internal ground because I knew she was trying to make me feel like there's something wrong with me. Not going there. Done. Over. No more.
We have the same issue. To this day I regret having had them over here for a house warming afternoon tea. Our narc neighbours need constant attention / supply. Last year the narc wife neighbour decided to open their [postage stamp size] garden to the public for a charity plant sale and afternoon tea. This was following "the huge success of the previous years plant sale on their driveway". Everything I do gets copied in some way, and I backed off completely 3 yrs ago when they copied the paint colour of our house (she got her husband to paint their garage doors and front door the same as our front door and windows. She initiated swapping front door keys "in case of emergencies" (which was actually as it turned out total BS). So after the paint gate incident I asked my husband to get our key back from them and we returned theirs. For the last 3 yrs she has made fake/back-handed compliments and continues to try and one-up us.
@@alexbaird2670 OMG my neighbors are copycats also! They are pathetic attention seekers. I imagine the wife as being the kind of child that always interrupted the adults " Hey, you what? You know what? Hey, you know what? Hey, hey, you know what? They are truly clueless about their behavior. Damned if you do, damned if you don't, with these two juveniles. I finally said " I don't " ,
When he says I'm setting a boundary, but instead just slams the door, what he is actually doing is telling her he doesn't respect her boundaries and thinks her attempt to make them is ludicrous. It's just another way of him showing no respect for her autonomy
I sent a friend here who is a big YT star in mysticism. She has a second client trolling her wanting her business. My friend believes empaths are having trouble w boundaries now. I sent her here. She used a lawyer to create a company that will protect her legally. Smart and no service to empaths without wealth.
Instead of ghosting her , I requested the narc not contact me and hoped she would respect my boundaries. She of course replied that she was sorry that I was so "troubled" and hoped I would get better one day 😅 .She had to have the last toxic word . I regret I acted like a adult . Should have stuck to NO CONTACT.
I'm the universal scapegoat in several generations of narcissists, some quite malignant, even sadistic. My question is what do we have available to children, like 4-6 years of age, the female already desperate for actual love but believing she's not worthy - the scapegoat to take my place. Are they capable of accepting that the parent cannot & never will love them as they need to be loved, so the best thing to do is focus on your own development rather than manipulating the people & circumstances around her?
This is already so TRUE after just some minutes in about "psychological astuteness" and "intellectuality"! 😆👍👍 You know my narcissistic 78yo mother even was married to a psychologist (the other main narc, she was the enabler and codependent) for 53 years now go figure how she is throwing out this academic vocabulary towards me (after he's dead) without even knowing what it means by definition! Currently, "psychosis" is the term of her choice when I am disagreeing about truth facts and holding the mirror to her lies. It's so laughable really! 😄
It's almost too hard to talk abut a parent as a narcissist. They're suppose to protect and lift you up. As the greatest gift a mother can receive....her child, she chooses to demean and humiliate that precious gift. I went through this with my own narcissistic mother. She turned my siblings ( who know about free will ) against me, and now I still relive her abuse through them. Your mother will die one day and will answer for her sins. I haven't lived a perfect life, but try my best to recognize, I will have my own judgment day.
@@cassiebrown9786 Dear Cassie, God is good and won't let you down if you believe what He did for you on the cross at Golgatha. PLEASE read through the *book of Romans, especially chapters 1-8* if you're in doubt about your own sins and judgement. I certainly agree with you about motherhood here, I can myself still hardly fathom someone would act like that but you see I'm not bitter about it because I know God has this and knows it all, He would even allow my parents to be that way as He created them too and gave them opportunities to repent. I am not responsible for their sins but have to deal with my mother's still, keeping her out of my life which is not easy as I have to deal with her in court now (they disinherited me as a single child). God gave me a good husband and tremendous love, He gave me victory and eternal life (He saved my husband too in Jesus Christ). I have so many reasons to be grateful. God is sovereign, He might have given me earthly parents like that to make me cherish His love more than theirs. I will understand His plan for my life when I'm with Him. My mother is being judged already (hip surgery, losing eyesight) and will potentially face going through much more hardship as this earth is going to be judged according to the book of Revelation very soon. She estranged our only son from us too but he's an adult now and responsible for himself. But she will be held accountable for her lies for sure. We cannot do anything but letting go our own life in Jesus Christ. He has solved the problem already long time ago to draw us near HIM. Much love to you and blessings all your way from Germany! 🙏💖
My question is: does the covert narcissist’s rages and violence always get worse with age? He went from rages 3x a year to every month the rages went from lasting a day or two to weeks! The follow silent treatment went from a couple days to weeks (some as much as two full weeks.) at 68yo ! And that’s always followed with another rage - they became one right after the other with more threats and broken items and now breaking me They became so back to back there was no time for anything good between them as like you’ve said no recognition of wrong doing no apology just rationalization and victimhood statements the projecting blame onto me I heard that PD in cluster B get less intense w age. Not my experience at all! I think he slipped in to psychosis with the last one that where he got violent hurting me. I think he slips into psychopathy because his eyes went black amd when i fell to the ground he lorded over me making fun of me and had a very sick twisted Grin on his face . He said he didn’t remember any of the three day rage that ended w my injury I’d love to know (as I’m sure every other person married to a VNPD would benefit from) the dangers are very real! But the real question is do all npd get markedly worse w age and if not which PD gets far worse in rages w age? He has every marker for npd but was diagnosed w bi polar at first but because he never has gone to therapy in 43 years he went this time he has zero positive “up” times they then though borderline - as I’ve researched I think it’s vulnerable npd or npd with secondary psychopathic or sociopathic styles. But he says the therapist has not said that. What ever it is it got progressively worse over 43 years amd so bad in fact I had to separate - now after a year away and a legal separation I think on some level he hasn’t changed but looks relieved almost like he’s nice, more calm not sure if it’s just loads more drugs or covert cover-up supreme but I need direction from you.
We love this format and channel and your teachings as well dr.c, I for one am very grateful. Mý daily routine. Learnt so much and still learning and I'd not be here if it wasn't for this channel. Every day is a struggle right now. THEN there they are in ýou life to make one feel even worse. Only a few days ago (boundary set), walked all over it with a manipulative guilt trip and guilt and confusion and anger and dysregulation ensued. The first question today answered my issue. I'm suffering and doing the best I can and doing this through no malice whatsoever, in fact it feels malicious that they cannot let me have that. Everything always seems to be what they want and the threat is if you don't give me what I want you should feel guilty and I will withdraw all and any help or assistance I give you. Emotional blackmail comes to mind. My whole life it's been that way. What do you think Doc?? Give gus a hug from me ✌
@@tmo.48 Hi thanks for your comment. I can't get away because I'm sick but boy do mi wish i could. Like many I wish id known decades ago and I'd not be in this situation, a bitter pill to swallow tbh. Fact is they're so damn difficult even when we don't need it. I think a lot of people are in this position. It's just how do you handle it when you're sick which is what finally woke me up to the situation. You really find out who people are when youre in sticky situations. Thankful for this channel and thank very much for your kindness during my struggles. All the very best to you take care 👋✌
@@bereal6590 I have my own stupid self imposed struggles. The covert narc divorced me back when I had no idea of narcissism and the spiritual warfare. So as soon after he divorced me he sucked me back in. Things got crazy again of course but I got really sick and my job let me go because I couldn't get better. So no way to get out for awhile. I really tried so many ways even after finally finding out about narcissism. THEN the ss checks just started coming these past couple months and he did his best to take them from me!!! I got a storage locker and have been working to get out. I do that daily. So hopefully things will go well. Alls I can say is take good care of yourself, eat right think right, get well♡. Someday soon you will get to leave also♡♡♡
@@tmo.48 I hear you, all sorts very similar for me as well. Different but similar if you know what I mean, like different types of hell. I hope to God we can both get clear of these folks and prevail with some semblance of a good enuff life. Being sick is the WORST in itself but then because then it's so hard to clear off. I wish you well for you and your health and all of your struggles, I know them too well. Thank you for your kindness and I wish the very best yet to come. We've come this far we can get there...... :):)
Phew! This one hit me hard: "That's the sign of a controller, an exploiter, a manipulator..." I frequently felt that sharing our phones, passcodes, was a sign of health; he however, became very dodgy any time I'd ask to use or see his phone. His argument was always, "you're violating my privacy". Needless to say, I did not trust him, nor would I ever. I've had healthy relationships and there was a natural ebb and flow with openness and transparency which correlated to trust, safety and no need to look over my shoulder. I really appreciated that. Edit: I identify with being highly reactive. Do you have additional suggestions for how to respond vs react?
It wouldn't surprise me if the husband who assumed he would be blamed if something went missing was reacting that way because he actually did it to gaslight op
I ask myself that question? Am I crazy, again? Now? These people are very much living amongst us. In elected official chairs, church leadership, etc. I call to volunteer or help out, I'm am gas lighted. And they seem to think it's great to have me be left out of all activities. I find that alienating and weird.
Find another church group if you can. They are not living by their faith. Most religions teach compassion, but the group you are in is mean spirited. Plenty of other folks would appreciate your kindness and generosity.
I am devastated and heartbroken for my daughter. Her partner is a covert narcissist. They have 2 children and what I observe is the brainwashing and manipulation of his 7 and a half year old daughter in particular, who is at the stage where she idolizes her father and believes everything he says. I would say he is grooming her to dislike and disrespect her mother; I am a witness to his psychological manipulation and control and its impact on my daughter and her relationship with her daughter. I want to cry. I feel helpless. How can I support my daughter and grandchildren through this? It is so hurtful, painful and crushing to see my daughter quashed like a bug by her partner and in the presence of their children. He demeans her, shows contempt and wounds with his words...it's his narrative and he's sticking to it. Everything is her fault and he is not accountable for anything. He is turning his daughter into a flying monkey. Please, what do I do?
It’s taken me 50 years to realize that he starts shouting in his deep male voice and I start shouting back. It’s not me starting it. I’ve learned to catch when it starts and call it out and am getting good at not responding in kind.
I agree with the person from Perth, Australia - I'm in Australia as well (Victoria), and over years and years I just don't see anything like this conversation in general life. Ideas like 'Boundaries' are just not there, not even under some other name. People do things or there are things they don't do, but there is no conversation about why they do one thing but don't do another. Self reflection culture just doesn't seem to be here - it's like it's treated that being authentic is just doing things without ever reflecting on why they do things.
Hi Dr. Carter. I really appreciate your help and dedication. What you’re doing through internet reminds me of Dr. Holakouee who does the same thing for Iranian communities around the world. Thank you Sir.
Could you do more videos about Malignant Borderline? I feel like we’re understanding Narcissism as a good foundation, but since I’ve met a Malignant Borderline Codependent, I think it would be interesting to analyze this personality more and learn how to protect ourselves from it.
My mother used to say that if you think you might be crazy you're not. Crazy people almost never think they are the crazy ones.
funny
Smart mom
Remove "almost." Wink.
Everyone is crazy. He who understands his delusion is a philosopher.
-unknown
Terri, your mother is right. I almost feel you could tell a narcissist ( to their face ) they're evil and they would laugh. They are sick, twisted monsters.
I have gone "no contact" with my malignant narc husband after a DV incident. He called me from jail the following morning and threatened to kill the kids, me, and himself (on a recorded line). I have an emergency protective order, and am working on a divorce and sole custody of our kids. He is sending his flying monkeys after me, and regularly posts "poor me" posts on FB. It is astounding to me that even though he is facing a felony, lost his job, lost his home, and lost his wife and kids, he still won't take personal responsibility.
But I am holding firm to my boundaries, picking up the pieces, and determined to follow the path of healing.
My thoughts Sharon, your 'protection order ' won't stop him if he truly goes off the deep end
He's already lost most everything...
Hello Lari,
I fully understand the danger, as I do not believe he is bluffing. I have made my home a fortress, and have contingency plans. We take proper precautions and I am watching my back.
Thank you for your concern. 🙂
Be sure to document any contact that person initiates & preferably keep security cameras on your 🏡 because any footage can potentially be used as evidence in court against him.Probably 1 of the most nasty things about narcs is that they live & die by their APPEARANCE to the outside 🌎 so they can potentially go many years without having a history of violent behavior & then out of nowhere they start that 💩 up.They tend to do especially bad when under stress &/or once they're old & washed up and can't hardly reel in narcissistic supply anymore... They're not capable of regulating their emotions internally like normal people so this makes them very dysregulated & volatile.Stay strong & maintain no-contact with him and virtually anyone that voluntarily associates with him in virtually any way to prevent information leaks.Good luck, you've made the right choice for yourself & your kids even if it isn't easy👏🏻👍🏻👍🏻.
Make sure you have a gun & know how to use it.
The Most High be with you and your babies every step of the way 🙏🏾.
"Somebody in this world needs to be on Team Healthy and stand for dignity, respect, and civility. SIGN ME UP!"
AMEN!
Yay! Don’t you love team Healthy, what a blessing 😃👍
Me too PLEASE
Me too!
I love how Dr C. articulates the values. We do need each other 🩷
Thank you to all of you-
And Dr C. you are terrific
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU
🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷
Narcissists love to use words, but their words are lies.
NUGGET! "You cannot dictate their interpretation." Oh I have hit my head against that wall a zillion times! Thanks Dr. C!
I have been victim of a smear campaign. Internally, it drives me crazy when people just assume that the narcissist is telling the truth. Thus far I have taken the high road: I don't complain or explain to anyone.
Appropriate action on your part♡
Your productive, meaningful-to-you actions (not defending and explaining) moving forward in your life will be the real response... the real explanation for anyone who matters.
@@Coral_Forever Yes, I agree.
That's what I do. My husband has gone so far as to tell neighbors lies about me. It's gotten so I dread even walking to my car. I just don't understand how they believe him when he's the one constantly over reacting, and I'm the calm one. Everything is my fault in his opinion.
@@Hatbox948 IMO - I sometimes wonder if some people simply enjoy the drama of watching someone suffer. Also, the heat is not on them, so they view it as a form of entertainment. That is very sick thinking on their part, by the way.
I divorced my covert narcissistic ex husband 2 yrs ago. I went no contact after several nasty phone calls from him. My 2 little grandsons told me after the 1st year apart that they missed seeing me AND him together at holidays etc. So last Memorial day I decided to give it a try at a cookout at our son's new house. Over the past year and including the recent birth of a new granddaughter, I have seen him more frequently than I care to. Especially when he says something insensitive in my presence. It seems to Trigger me and I end up with nightmares again etc. I have set a boundary with my grown children for Easter, since it's also around my birthday this year. Too many bad memories of him ruining holidays and birthdays. I feel almost guilty for not sharing the holiday at easter dinner planned for Saturday but, instead, have offered to make breakfast casseroles and stop by on the actual holiday instead. I just need a break from him from time to time
Forget it he may even be working on the grand kids. So just stay no contact. If either of you were dead they would have to just put up with that.
I am sure they probably prefer nice relaxed granny without Narc boy.
Than seeing you hyper and uneasy.
@@MCat-yv3hl I have a similar issue. The narcissistic sibling in my life has been horrible to me my entire life. The sibling is now at the end stages of life, and lives thousands of miles away. Some relatives are urging me to visit the person, but the sibling has not made requests to see me, and never says he/she loves me. I prefer to stay far away. I have sympathy for the sibling, and send positive messages/texts of encouragement, but it is too emotionally draining to risk face to face contact.
@@butterflygirl2285 You’re lucky there is that distance, as you might find yourself where you don’t want to be. It’s amazing the trail they leave behind of those who are close to them they try to control, manipulate, blame & act superior to, chaos, drama. Then getting sucked back into it? Then suddenly the N’s partner wants a birthday card sent for his “special day” next month & supplied a PO Box…decisions. With the corruption of these agencies & guardianships you have a choice whether to stick your nose in to ensure all is well, or out of concern, blood does make you family. (Maybe I’m off topic here?)…Or repeat, “Not my circus, not my monkey”, & then myob…hope he’s learned something about humanity, empathy & kindness while on this planet. Best wishes.
You clearly have had a traumatic time with this partner so why in heavens name would you expose your poor little grandchildren to him. Narcs don't differentiate between kids and adults. Given the chance he will groom one or both of these kids. Why would you not explain to the kids you don't get along. I have two grandsons and I explained that Granny and Granda don't live together they have different lives now. They are five and seven. They are fine with it. It gives you a chance on your own to bond and spoil them without the person who makes you feel anxious and annoyed plus its playing a dangerous game if he really rattles you it might result in a scene. Don't you want these little chaps to be free of exposure to that kind of behaviour. The fact you have posed the question tells me that you are not totally on board with being around this person. As my sister would say Let it go Louis
You need to take care of YOU!! Stay clear of being in any situations where he can undermine your mental health!!
So funny, my narc mom tried to "punish" me by ignoring and shunning me. Easily done, at 2,000 miles away. I loved it. When she finally realized that, she got much more angry. 😁. So sorry (not). What was so clear was that there was nothing I could do to make her happy. But I could add to my happiness!
Love you and your work, Dr. C, bless you.
You made me smile, Jean.
The amount of times I was made to feel paranoid or crazy, in the end, affected my physical health!
Me too especially when I don't agree or yield to manipulation this is done by my house and siblings.
@@medicineman3344 It's hard when they make you feel confused. Take care 🙏
Yes. We get bizarre illnesses from keeping everything bottled up inside.
Same...it's actually a huge trick they use...it should be illegal to be a narcissist.
@@Horseluvver Unfortunately it's hard to prove. It seems narcissism is on a spectrum. It's only recently that the words gaslighting and coercive control has become apparent. But at least domestic abuse for all concerned is taken more seriously these days.
Take care 🙏
My narc, violent older sister abused me all my life. We are in our 70's now. I didn't know what Narcissism was until a few years ago, thanks to Dr. Les Carter. When my sister went into another narc rage recently, I told her I will call the police on her if she touches me, or even gets within my three feet of personal space without my permission, because I feared for my life. I never knew I had that option...she had me so brainwashed. That did the trick! Lol 😅 She is very haughty and her fake public image most important to her. The thought of her being handcuffed and hauled away in front of the neighbors was so horrifying to her, she stopped her abuse. I had enough confidence from that to quickly move out away from her, even though I was homeless for a period of time. Oh Sweet Freedom!!! 😃👍🙏
Good for you, glad you are on your own now ,🎉🕊️
Sounds just like my older sister. Yikes. Before I found out about narcissism I would say to my covert husband, hey you should get together with my older sister or my mom because you're all alike and should get along famously. I was always trying to fix him up with his own kind!!! I'm sorry but I would love to see what would happen with a couple like that.
Glad you got away.If someone is physically attacking you...Get away from them by any means necessary even if you have to punch them so hard that you send them into orbit as you 🏃♀️ out the 🚪 because in dire situations like that,you can't always reason with them peacefully with words unfortunately😬.Studies have started to show a link between narcissism & aggression as well as violent behavior...They don't all snap but the risk is higher for them than the general population.
@@malwads1836 I would now. I have a powerful tazer and will use it! I'm a very passive person normally. Thank you!
Great points Dr.
Bottom line... relationships are not hard when 2 people are working at it.
as someone once said it's hard for one person to push a couch BUT with 2 people pushing a couch that's really easy.
relationships are not that complicated...they're really not that difficult . so if it is then it's time to start planning your exit quietly.... Prayerfully.... accurately❤
I had a close friend before he died who said the same...relationships don't have to be complicated. Be respectful, be considerate.
@@SurvivingNarcissism absolutely. Thanks for consistently putting out great content
The cruelest gaslighting involves trying to convince someone they're crazy. Not by making the lights go out like in the movie. Straight up telling another human being that they are mentally unstable. Over and over again. Over the course of decades. Desperately trying to get it to sink in. Meet my mother.
I’ll admit that sometimes I feel crazy. It seems reasonable that anyone who is self aware and caring will be driven to their emotional edge by the narcissist from time to time. We are only human after all.
Me too.
Yup, happened to me 3 days ago. They don't care what they're doing either
Never let em see you sweat . .. That’s why Silence is Golden w toxic ppl .. other wise your shadow boxing 😂
In discussing his substance abuse issues just yesterday day in a authoritative kinda way he said “ask anyone - everyone thinks your overly-religious because …. well even you know you are. “
Because of your help doctor and research and without any expectations I responded “ I do not know any such thing and btw the truth is -every human being is THE number one authority on what they know and believe. I added “ I should go now but we can talk more later but this convo is not super healthy but we’ll talk again maybe next time we all feel healthier and stronger but I hope you have a great day!
Then I just left smiled waved and left.
I felt so good for not taking the bait and arguing about why have hope or why I go to church or why I pray or or forgive others so easily. All problems he thinks
I was sooo thinking of all of you here on Team Healthy!
Love you each from me--
“43 years of abuse and bondage now 13 months of safety and peace!!!”
We can be strong
You go, you strong woman with boundaries!!! Keep your beautiful faith♡
When I object to being treated badly and/or being spoken to in eg. a derogatory way, I'm told: "you get what you ask for".
My ex always blamed it on my attitude, no matter if I was in a good mood before she started the argument.
He's baiting you for an argument, blame shifting, and gaslighting you. Ignore him.
Some narcissist say this in order to get their way. They are frustrating to deal with so be thoughtful. Respect is mutual and truthful. Narcissist won't reflect fairly.
Sooo true... Or " you are treated like this because you earned this for yourself with your tongue"
@delena franckenberg we humans do differ in preferences. But alienating is manipulative.
I feel like different narsisitic relationships have different trauma. Husband/wife, parent/child, employer/employee, inlaws.... We could go on.
I come from an upbringing and received by both parents, this abuse. When narcism hits the base of a person's life, like in parent/child relationship it is extra confusing because that's what you know to be "normal".
It took me forty years to figure out and unravel what's healthy, and now have answers to my triggers, and NOW can finally start to heal.
I can breathe away from the narc rents.
I am from Germany and I thank you from the bottom of my heart , you are helping me in so many ways and I feel so understood, and finally I know what happens to me.... Going through a discard right now and trying to protect that little sanity I have left. Thank you Dr. Carter 💐
You are quite welcome, Iris.
My narc seems like a hungry but very patient wolf circling me at a distance sizing up my strengths and weaknesses and ready to pounce if he senses my guard is down.
That's why it's very exhausting to deal with these predatory screwballs,you can't drop your guard even if they're acting "nice" because the love-bombing is just to groom you for abuse😬.Grey rock & stay strong👍🏻.
That is the evil sadistic part. The plotting .
Oh yea it’s in the air. I can predict it now like clockwork. Look up the abuse cycle. It’s definitely a thing
Very well said
Oh my god. I couldn’t have described it better. You’ve just validated my experience. Wow
When I went no contact with my narcissistic ex, he accused me of 'bullying'. According to him, I'm the mean one! That would have nothing to do with his preceeding behavior! What a crazy, no-win scenario!
That's exactly what my narc sister accusés me of, because I refuse to meet with her horrible husband. It was always two against one. I've offered to partake in family therapy by they refuse. Instead, they accuse me of bullying by exclusion.
The narcissist is never at fault, and the pity-party is always in full swing.
“You’re always controlling.” Is what I hear when I’m refusing to let him control me.
Their audacity in manipulation is astounding.
I enjoy your humor. It makes trying to figure out these narcissists a little easier. I am a Dr. C. fan ❤
Exactly
Me too!
Yes. He approaches things like a Native American, they always keep a peaceful demeanor peppered with humor no matter the intense topic.
Sorry i missed you but listening now I have convinced myself that I am the crazy one but now that I live alone there is no more stress Even my OCD is reduced considerably🥰👍
I left my narcissistic(s). Never slammed door. Gave them the keys and left in 2020.
Yes, I've had to remind my son to not lower himself to her standard in revenge. I praise him for resisting (to the point of shaking) hitting her back & walking away..she is trying to push him to be like her for some sick sense of satisfaction. Thank you for the sweet spirit in which you teach these very difficult problems❤
My ex husband of 32 years cheated on me numerous times that he hid very well. I messed up 2 of his affairs. I am so bad. 😂🤣😂
I agree with you, Dr. Carter. Setting boundaries means that you are not going to permit toxic individuals to cross the line. For example, my narcissist son invited my younger son, my sister and myself over for Christmas dinner. I planned ahead and thought that by keeping the conversation very light and not ask any questions that would cause conflict (i.e. what happened between you and your baby mama) I could have a decent time with my son.
Well...unfortunately, that didn't happen because while we were en route, he called my younger son screaming at him that we were not on time and that he needed the whipped cream that I was bringing over (he conviently forgot that he told me what time he wanted us there and we were on time). My younger son backed out and that was his way of setting a boundary (if you're going to rage like a toddler over something petty, then I'm not going).
So, my sister and I went there. The whole time that we were there, he barked orders like a dictator and complained about how much work he had to do to prepare the holiday dinner. He would not stop no matter how much reasoning and reassuring I did to calm him down, he would not stop. I ended up telling him that I couldn't handle this behavior and called my younger son to pick me up. My narcissist son then raged and said "if you leave here, don't ever come back"
So my sister and I left and my younger son had said to me "now you know why I didn't go. He's not going to talk to me like that." Anyway, about a week later, I texted my son and explained to him why we left and how his behavior was toxic and destructive and that he keeps driving people away. His response was "I don't need your lecture, I don't need anybody." So then I told him okay, that's fine but that's going to include your children because they're not going to be little kids forever and they are not going to want to put up with your HORRIBLE attitude and behavior when they are old enough to be on their own.
Uh...he didn't care. His response was go pound sand. The point is that you cannot reason with these people. After that event , I went hard core no contact. I removed him from all social media and blocked him. I removed all pictures, messages, cards, etc and put up a wall. I don't even discuss him anymore with my younger son because it only makes it worse. I've accepted this to mean the end and so it's the end. The grandchildren are also cut off because they were used as pawns to solicit abuse. Sooooo done.
I’m so sorry! This must be so hard for you and your family. My thoughts are with you.
Hi Dr C, from Melbourne, Australia. The information and learning from your videos has provided answers and understanding to the chaos that has been endured for 30+ years. Have found the strength and ability to reclaim my life. Thank you😊
So pleased on your behalf!
This message is for the woman that found the inappropriate text message on her husband's phone. My heart goes out to you. Totally Unacceptable!!!
My husband's had a friend. She was the reason for our divorce!!!
His friend said I was very pretty...BS
You deserve respect!!! You hold on to that respect. Before you know it they'll step all over you. That text message was completely inappropriate. Protect yourself. Never ignore your intuition! There's a reason why its there.
And be kind to yourself 🙏
Just walked for the same reason
Excellent stream Dr. Carter. Love ❤️ it 🙋🏾♀️. I caught the replay and definitely great information 😊. You’re definitely helping many of us who are still healing from Narcissistic abuse 🙏🏾. Thank you.
Thanks so much!
He used to drive me to boiling point that I thought I would literally explode and he would then sit back calmly and say look at yourself your crazy.
They baited you. And when we bite their bate they feel in control. Never bite anyone's bait!!! ♡
@@tmo.48 It's crazy to me that the baiting takes so many forms..... I get guilt baited and blow up. I really hate the I poor me disguised as love and care....... when it gets them what they need if you comply and if you don't it gets them the advantage of what a horrible person I am and elevates them to sainthood! Then if I say I'm sorry for upsetting them, they say I've not upset them!😧
@@tmo.48 Yep I fell for it everytime, he used to insult my family especially my sister and I just hated it. It was bait to make me look the crazy one infront of the children.
@@bereal6590 I just found your comment! It's a month old and it just now popped up, that's weird. Anyhow, I just came to an epiphany myself on the whole shabang and it's this: if I am in my truth and ANYONE comes at me no matter their approach and I sense ANY confusion...then I kindly depart or stay quiet. I find that confusion is of evil, and I want nothing to do with it. That is my northern star/guiding light nowadays. I have the not taking bait down to a science, you can see them coming for miles and it just destroyes them when they're left holding their bait cause no one's biting. It's really time to go no contact then because they turn to more devious ploys to get back at you for not biting. They are sooo immature.
@@sanjmalik6282 mine would do that too in front of our kids. It makes you realize they have no dignity nor do they give it.
Another Colorado listener 💙
I'm I'm glad to be there with you!
My first reaction to the door slammer is he's baiting her to have an emotional reaction to his anger and declaration of boundary setting
Haha. You've been successful in your studies Grasshopper. Wink.
Bait and hook. Bait and hook. One of my biggest accomplishments was learning how to realize the bait for what it is.
I don't totally understand a narc's need for all the drama
It becomes a vicious cycle
Listening. I'm concerned about codependency vs our need for connection. This topic feels fitting. Boy did he wear me down. Resurfacing slowly. Healthy living. Job 1.
Hello from Brisbane Australia 🇦🇺. Thank you for being part of my journey post separation. Can you talk about financial control and legl abuse by the narcissist after separation. Please. Thanks. Marisa
Hi Dr. Carter, Gus and Team Healthy from California. If your Narc is having an affair help him or her pack and call a taxie for them. You have not lost anything. I can relate to being smeared so much because I was the only thing he knew to talk about. He entertained a dinner party talking very badly about me when I was delayed getting there. The husband told me when I arrived at the door and asked me if I wanted him to ask him to leave. Also if you are living in a sexless marriage, that is another form of control. Thank you for a great session Dr. Carter. We appreciate you so much.
Well when they tell you they are a demon what sane person would want to have sex with them. If two people can't get along because of personality conflicts, sex will never heal it so why have it.
Thanks, Alice!
Just “discovered” you - thank you so much for the words.
You are so welcome! Glad you are on board!
Oh, how many, many times I question whether I truly AM crazy! Have I caused ALL of this turmoil in my family's life? I had never SEEN such families until I married into this one. (Culture SHOCK!) And, it was as though, the FIRST time we all met together AFTER my marriage into it, they were just SO DIFFERENT. I was barely 18, but HOW had I missed that--or had it been opened to me before? I have watched them do this to other 'outsider' family members. I am truly in a family cult. However, with GREAT suffering and the constant help of God, I have made it to the last hitch of my life, and now I am the care giver to the very one who tried killing me in the past. Life is hard. Thanks, Dr. Carter. You are a God-send to me.
So easy to be fooled, especially during the love bombing stage. And as a normal caring person it's hard to imagine that people can be so cruel and manipulative. It does make you feel crazy. Sending blessings that you find your way to a peaceful life where you are loved and cared for in the way you deserve.
Re divorce, I think it is also a question of safety and whether you need a plan to maximize your safety when leaving, since violence is most likely to occur in a controlling relationship when the controller loses control.
To the woman whose narcissistic spouse is saying don’t blame me when she misplaces her glasses, should consider that her spouse might be hiding her stuff to make her think that she’s absent-minded. That’s a classic gas-lighting move that I sadly to say know all too well. From my keys to my glasses to important papers-of course he was always my savior who could find anything that I misplaced. After 16 years of this behavior along with raging, lying, and making me feel like I was going crazy, I finally found the strength to leave him. No longer am I always losing my stuff. Instead I lost him!!!
Such a good point. I used to be constantly stranded at home because I couldn't find my keys. It seemed like they would magically appear in the evenings. We lived way out in the country so it wasn't like I could walk , catch a bus or cab. One day by chance I was looking out the window as my ex-husband was leaving and I saw him step up on the porch railing and put something in the gutter. After he left I went and got a step stool and looked. He put my car keys in the gutter. All those months I thought I was losing my mind. He had been taking my keys and hiding them in the gutter. It was easy for him being tall . I dint tell him I new. I just went and made many copies and hid them around. I started planning my escape not long after that. He was very abusive. Also , he hid a small radio in the attic. Above the bed. It played really quiet on talk radio. At night I would wake up and think I was hearing voices. I started investigating after the keys incident and found that and many things he had done to me
Ha! I love it!!!...
I stopped saying where are my… I do misplace items from time to time.. but I don’t want anymore ammo for him
Funny how that works
I entirely agree about the security between a couple to know each other's passwords, etc. Those things should be accessible with one another and inaccessible for anyone outside of the relationship.
Hi Dr Carter, I'm from Sydney, Australia and I totally enjoy your videos. Thank you for your topic on Narcissism, I certainly have learnt quite a bit on the subject. Kind regards, Denise 😊
Thanks so much, we have a strong contingent there in Australia, especially Sydney. Glad you're on board!
In bringing up problems, I’ve often heard this from the Narcissist, “I can’t say anything. I’m always being criticized.”
Even though the problem does not directly relate to a personal matter, out comes the victim!
I am going back-and-forth between OK I’ve got this and wait a minute it’s not that bad maybe I am crazy! For about eight months or so now I’ve been researching this topic to try and figure out what has led me to this point in my life. Just when I think I’m starting to get a handle something weird happens, like a book about codependency that I’ve been reading just magically comes up missing but he never saw the book and doesn’t know what I’m talking about. thank you for work on the subject and your cheerful disposition.
He took the book.
I appreciated that question about feeling like your just doing the same as them with the silent treatment. 👍
I don't think narcissistic/sociopathic opportunists feel remorse or guilt in any wrongdoing. They can act incredibly cruel on a regular basis and feel absolutely no guilt about it. Maybe that's why they typically don't change?
Exactly Dr. C always be the bigger person. Just walk away. Leave these people with there ugliness. Where is Gus?
Thank you Dr. C ♥️🙏🔥Beautiful day for you and all here💪😍🙏
Thank you, Papu.
Thank for these helpful videos Dr. C! Hoping you could address the complexities of dealing with a BPD/NPD sibling that recently got sober? I hoped that the damaging behavior would stop when the substances did, but they only seem to intensify. She's been mostly clean for 6 months with a few slip ups and I'm finding it even more difficult to figure out how to navigate our relationship. Have been gray rock for some time now, but our mom keeps insisting that we support her as she is unwell and needs unconditional love. I want to provide that, but keep being put in uncomfortable situations and having a hard time with the juggle of boundaries vs. compassion. Would LOVE if you could approach this scenario as I know I'm not the only one facing this struggle while trying to heal ❤
That's a great question. It's a whole new dynamic for relationships when someone gets sober. I would love to hear his comments also.
Great question.
Hi Dr C, I am from Perth Western Australia, and I love you and respect you so much, you are a very good man. Thanks so much for your work, I don't feel so alone and crazy because of you.
You are very welcome, Susan. I'm so pleased to hear from Perth!!!
On a daily, I listen to the reverberation in your voice, your way with words, and the entertaining way you engage with us! Makes sense to me now, hearing for the first time the reveal, you were once on the radio! Thanks for consistently providing awareness and education on the topic of narcissism.
It’s so heart warming to see your welcoming smile ❤TY ❤️
I love Dr. Carter. Sometimes I feel like i dont need therapy w his videos n books im reading.❤❤❤. You have helped me a great deal to understand what Im walking through and how to be healthy n protect my peace
I resonate with this. I got to the point where they were accusing me of the most crazy idiomatic things, and it seem like they really believe them selves. They created this false picture of me that they hated so much, and it got too much to have to defend myself. When every time I try to give it! I was told it was an excuse.
Really confused,Daughter called me a narcissist,and I have depended on her more since Covid and am older so have had more health issues,she's mad because I'm using her,she says that I'm supposed to be the strong one and I was a terrible mother(yes there were some bad choices but I never didn't love my kids and do the best I knew how to do.she says She's done helping and we need time apart,I agreed because after the tounge lashing after MY last doctor visit,feel like I'm don't deserve to be talked to so harshly,I ve said I was sorry many tjmes for the mistakes I made over thirty years ago and frankly,it hurts but I won't bow down any more
Do your best. Trust your love. Don’t be anyone’s scapegoat. I speak from my experience ❤️
You have relieved me about my children telling me I’m narcissistic. I have asked you that question and it was answered today.
Also the interpretation of my going through my partners phone after being suspicious of his cheating on me was wonderful. I never wanted to snoop but he gave me reason. I have felt guilty for a long time but now I now longer do.
THANK YOU
I'm realizing that there's a difference between making peace and being peaceful.
There is no fruitful talking with people who are full of mistaken projective interpretations, unrecognized presumptions, misinterpretations, and who evidence no desire to self correct wrong view or wrong interpretation. Noble silence is the best course. There is no fruitful listening to other's toxic belittling and accusations based on projective interpretations, unrecognized presumptions and misinterpretations.
Oh come on now - give it a quarter century before you rush to judgement (lol). If it were not for Dr Carter (and others) I would still be trying to make it work and trying to explain and reassure and reason and and and waste every iota of energy striving not to be misunderstood and blamed.
@@theresesilvawalker8407 I have given it 11 years. Too soon to judge? Lol
Hi I'm in Perth. Thank you Dr Carter for all your help.
Well, you definitely caught that reference!! Glad you're on board. #TeamHealthy
For your own health you have to step back and bravely and truthfully assess.
Hi Dr Carter Gus and Team Healthy
Wish I could have been here for live chat-I miss everyone on Team Healthy.
Thanks Dr C and Team Healthy! You help me every day.❤❤❤🙏🏼
No, you're up to something. Nutshelled, Dr. C. Thank you.😊
This is for Dr. C. Thank you so much for your wise advice in dealing with these difficult people. It's been a game changer for me. Would love to see a video on Comic Relief when dealing with a narcissist. Example: the narcissist devalues you, then stomps out of the room and stonewalls you for hours or better still, the rest of the day. What do you do as a devalued target? Answer: Say to yourself "Of Course".Celebrate the peace and quiet. ( Of course this only works after a person has embraced Team Healthy). Sense of humor and laughter can be good medicine sometimes.😊
Mine is a communal narcissistic bully. Most of the neighbors on my street are afraid of him. They placate him. I won't. I don't acknowledge him. I feel like I'm living with a bunch of third graders. He wants me to join his club of hating the manager of the development. I won't. That makes me everybody's enemy. It's juvenile behavior. Cat calling. Passing remarks. My boundary is.. not lowering myself to their level.
I set boundaries and when I veer off and call I almost instantly regret it. This person reminds me why I set the boundaries in the first place and I beat myself up for making that call. There’s something inside every adult child of a narcissistic parent that wants to believe that parent is capable of being decent. They aren’t. I’ll admit, I’m better at giving advice than following it, but I’m gonna say this anyway- For your own peace of mind, don’t make that call
Dr. C! Thank you so much for these videos!! I would never be able to describe to you what they have done for me! Sending good vibes from Western New York. Have been gaslighted by my very bright daughter for years!
Hi…. I am in the same position as you. My 32 year old son has been mistreating me for most of his life. I’m finally beginning to believe he could be a narcissist and I am completely broken. 😞
Thank you Dr. Grande. We really appreciate all you do.😊
I think he's on a different channel.
@@SurvivingNarcissism I mean thank you dr. C. My mistake 😂
My brother recently confronted me. After I gave him 3 full paragraphs about why I'm done being abused by our mom, his response was, "well you can think and believe what you want!.
Which feels just like what my mom's last words were, "you're a liar! You're crazy! And if that's what you think and feel then you can leave!"
I left, that was almost a decade ago.
I had grief over the mom and dad I never got to experience, ironically I haven't felt anything but relief since I got out of that relationship.
I feel relief not having to get calls from her. I feel relief that she won't do a drop in on me when she feels like it.
I feel relief that I don't have to ever sit in another restaurant while she says loud and derogatory comments about other patrons.
I feel relief that she isn't around to insert herself in an aggressive and domineering way in every aspect of my life.
I feel relief that I'm no longer the target of a bully, narcissistic, mother.
The best choice for me was no contact with my entire family.
Now that my abusive brother is blocked, I feel relief.
One thing that we must understand with these demons is that it never ends it never ever ends
if it looks like they're on their way to being a gloriously, awesome & amazing person just believe that if you're really dealing with this type of person it's an illusion because the foolishness just never ends.... they are plotting something else and you need to plan to get out
Such a great truthful comment. I'm trying to find out about the spiritual warfare going on with these wretched narcs. I need to dig deeper. ♡
@@tmo.48 keep searching...I didn't believe it at first but all signs point towards this truth.
Your total and complete destruction is their number 1 priority. They will break you down so much that either they will destroy you themselves or cause you to want to destroy yourself. Very very very very dangerous people.
I would like to see some content on suggested healing processes/ways forward after leaving the narcissistic relationship.
Check out Dr Ramani’s multiple UA-cam content about healing from narcissistic abuse
On a good day he only slams the door twice 😉
My mother, sadly, was a narcissist. She has Alzheimer's now & is pretty docile, for the most part now & can no longer hurt me with her crude comments, emotional neglect, etc..But, when I was young & growing up if we ever had a dispute or a difference of opinion, she never really listened to me, cause HER opinion is th eonly one that mattered! She would just turn around to me & with a scowl on her face, and say "Are you Crazy? Because I think you are!" It really hurt me...Knowing I was quite sane! It wasn't till decades later, I realized she had gaslit me my whole childhood. When that happens to you, it's hard to know (from your own perspective) what's real & what's not! Painful to rebuild trust in yourself....took me a long time!
Hi Doctor, I always enjoy these mid-week sessions, your advice is always sound and expert. Thank you for making the effort to host them!
Thanks, Julian. I really like this format!
They're the "gift that keeps on giving."
I approached my narc husband for a separation…and his ego was so hurt he said “Let’s just get a divorce then!”
Wow! I guess he didn’t want you to one up him. They are just so crazy. I believe that is exactly what my narc would do.
Hope you grabbed it.
My next door neighbors are aggressive attention seekers. They are extremely competitive and are great with putdowns. My husband and I love our privacy ( we lived here first) . I tried being nice to them at first until I realized that they want to be put on a pedestal. We have done our best to mind our own business, a couple of years ago they ran a smear campaign and told other people in our neighborhood that they were "offended" because I don't acknowledge them every time they come outside. They said that I thought I was more "real" than them. They are really rude to me and so I decided to grey rock and go no contact because they were stressing me out. The wife comes out when I'm in my yard and tries to Kill me with kindness. The other day I was minding my own business and she said "be that way" when I didn't respond to her. I held my internal ground because I knew she was trying to make me feel like there's something wrong with me. Not going there. Done. Over. No more.
We have the same issue. To this day I regret having had them over here for a house warming afternoon tea. Our narc neighbours need constant attention / supply. Last year the narc wife neighbour decided to open their [postage stamp size] garden to the public for a charity plant sale and afternoon tea. This was following "the huge success of the previous years plant sale on their driveway". Everything I do gets copied in some way, and I backed off completely 3 yrs ago when they copied the paint colour of our house (she got her husband to paint their garage doors and front door the same as our front door and windows. She initiated swapping front door keys "in case of emergencies" (which was actually as it turned out total BS). So after the paint gate incident I asked my husband to get our key back from them and we returned theirs. For the last 3 yrs she has made fake/back-handed compliments and continues to try and one-up us.
@@alexbaird2670 OMG my neighbors are copycats also! They are pathetic attention seekers. I imagine the wife as being the kind of child that always interrupted the adults " Hey, you what? You know what? Hey, you know what? Hey, hey, you know what? They are truly clueless about their behavior. Damned if you do, damned if you don't, with these two juveniles. I finally said " I don't " ,
This is why I never get involved with neighbors. My husband, the narc, is my complete opposite.
When he says I'm setting a boundary, but instead just slams the door, what he is actually doing is telling her he doesn't respect her boundaries and thinks her attempt to make them is ludicrous. It's just another way of him showing no respect for her autonomy
I sent a friend here who is a big YT star in mysticism. She has a second client trolling her wanting her business. My friend believes empaths are having trouble w boundaries now. I sent her here. She used a lawyer to create a company that will protect her legally. Smart and no service to empaths without wealth.
Gold digger?
Instead of ghosting her , I requested the narc not contact me and hoped she would respect my boundaries. She of course replied that she was sorry that I was so "troubled" and hoped I would get better one day 😅 .She had to have the last toxic word . I regret I acted like a adult . Should have stuck to NO CONTACT.
The video Am I the crazy one here - was just what I needed to see 👀 today . He read my mind !
They HAVE to have the last word. It's part of their victimhood. That's when you take your shoes off and slap the dust of them off you.
@@tmo.48 I call it - just get on the bus Gus , make a new plan Stan, drop off the key Lee and get yourself free .
Never regret acting like an adult! Thanks for writing this- it’s hysterical. Did she also add “I’m here to help you”?
@@Tahoejt yes of course ! And contacted mutual friends to tell them she was concerned about me 😄 .
I'm the universal scapegoat in several generations of narcissists, some quite malignant, even sadistic. My question is what do we have available to children, like 4-6 years of age, the female already desperate for actual love but believing she's not worthy - the scapegoat to take my place. Are they capable of accepting that the parent cannot & never will love them as they need to be loved, so the best thing to do is focus on your own development rather than manipulating the people & circumstances around her?
Stay kind to the young ones. They need to be shown love♡
Thank you Dr. C! I appreciate you!
You're welcome!
For the lady whose h is texting inappropriately, chump Lady backs up what dr carter says. Supportive group over there.
This is already so TRUE after just some minutes in about "psychological astuteness" and "intellectuality"! 😆👍👍 You know my narcissistic 78yo mother even was married to a psychologist (the other main narc, she was the enabler and codependent) for 53 years now go figure how she is throwing out this academic vocabulary towards me (after he's dead) without even knowing what it means by definition! Currently, "psychosis" is the term of her choice when I am disagreeing about truth facts and holding the mirror to her lies. It's so laughable really! 😄
It's almost too hard to talk abut a parent as a narcissist. They're suppose to protect and lift you up. As the greatest gift a mother can receive....her child, she chooses to demean and humiliate that precious gift. I went through this with my own narcissistic mother. She turned my siblings ( who know about free will ) against me, and now I still relive her abuse through them. Your mother will die one day and will answer for her sins. I haven't lived a perfect life, but try my best to recognize, I will have my own judgment day.
@@cassiebrown9786 Dear Cassie, God is good and won't let you down if you believe what He did for you on the cross at Golgatha. PLEASE read through the *book of Romans, especially chapters 1-8* if you're in doubt about your own sins and judgement. I certainly agree with you about motherhood here, I can myself still hardly fathom someone would act like that but you see I'm not bitter about it because I know God has this and knows it all, He would even allow my parents to be that way as He created them too and gave them opportunities to repent. I am not responsible for their sins but have to deal with my mother's still, keeping her out of my life which is not easy as I have to deal with her in court now (they disinherited me as a single child). God gave me a good husband and tremendous love, He gave me victory and eternal life (He saved my husband too in Jesus Christ). I have so many reasons to be grateful. God is sovereign, He might have given me earthly parents like that to make me cherish His love more than theirs. I will understand His plan for my life when I'm with Him. My mother is being judged already (hip surgery, losing eyesight) and will potentially face going through much more hardship as this earth is going to be judged according to the book of Revelation very soon. She estranged our only son from us too but he's an adult now and responsible for himself. But she will be held accountable for her lies for sure. We cannot do anything but letting go our own life in Jesus Christ. He has solved the problem already long time ago to draw us near HIM. Much love to you and blessings all your way from Germany! 🙏💖
My question is: does the covert narcissist’s rages and violence always get worse with age?
He went from rages 3x a year to every month the rages went from lasting a day or two to weeks! The follow silent treatment went from a couple days to weeks (some as much as two full weeks.) at 68yo ! And that’s always followed with another rage - they became one right after the other with more threats and broken items and now breaking me
They became so back to back there was no time for anything good between them as like you’ve said no recognition of wrong doing no apology just rationalization and victimhood statements the projecting blame onto me
I heard that PD in cluster B get less intense w age. Not my experience at all! I think he slipped in to psychosis with the last one that where he got violent hurting me. I think he slips into psychopathy because his eyes went black amd when i fell to the ground he lorded over me making fun of me and had a very sick twisted Grin on his face . He said he didn’t remember any of the three day rage that ended w my injury
I’d love to know (as I’m sure every other person married to a VNPD would benefit from) the dangers are very real! But the real question is do all npd get markedly worse w age and if not which PD gets far worse in rages w age? He has every marker for npd but was diagnosed w bi polar at first but because he never has gone to therapy in 43 years he went this time he has zero positive “up” times they then though borderline - as I’ve researched I think it’s vulnerable npd or npd with secondary psychopathic or sociopathic styles. But he says the therapist has not said that. What ever it is it got progressively worse over 43 years amd so bad in fact I had to separate - now after a year away and a legal separation I think on some level he hasn’t changed but looks relieved almost like he’s nice, more calm not sure if it’s just loads more drugs or covert cover-up supreme but I need direction from you.
Dr Carter I’m listening to you from Perth Australia also and soo appreciate the teaching - thank you 🙏🏾
You are very welcome...and I'm so pleased to be there with you in Perth!
I regularly watch your videos and I’m in Brisbane, Australia 🇦🇺 😘
Thankyou Dr Carter. I'm from Northern Ireland your help has been very valuable you have helped me through the darkest of times.
Doing marriage work after death seems unusual at first, but I'm learning it's necessary.
So true.
Very necessary because they can live in your head long after they pass on.
@@tmo.48 I often remind myself that I'm no longer living with his illness. Then I check in with what I want.
I enjoy using the internet too. Blessings Dr.
Yes. For now...
Thank you for your generous work! I’m listening to you from the far western shore of the Pacific, in Steilacoom WA.
So pleased, Julie!
This Q&A is so good. I have to start referencing your videos online. You’re so helpful and good at breaking this down.
Glad it was helpful, Maxwell!
We love this format and channel and your teachings as well dr.c, I for one am very grateful. Mý daily routine. Learnt so much and still learning and I'd not be here if it wasn't for this channel. Every day is a struggle right now. THEN there they are in ýou life to make one feel even worse. Only a few days ago (boundary set), walked all over it with a manipulative guilt trip and guilt and confusion and anger and dysregulation ensued. The first question today answered my issue. I'm suffering and doing the best I can and doing this through no malice whatsoever, in fact it feels malicious that they cannot let me have that. Everything always seems to be what they want and the threat is if you don't give me what I want you should feel guilty and I will withdraw all and any help or assistance I give you. Emotional blackmail comes to mind. My whole life it's been that way. What do you think Doc?? Give gus a hug from me ✌
Man, that's sorry. That's a definite get out as quietly and quickly as you can ♡
@@tmo.48 Hi thanks for your comment. I can't get away because I'm sick but boy do mi wish i could. Like many I wish id known decades ago and I'd not be in this situation, a bitter pill to swallow tbh. Fact is they're so damn difficult even when we don't need it. I think a lot of people are in this position. It's just how do you handle it when you're sick which is what finally woke me up to the situation. You really find out who people are when youre in sticky situations. Thankful for this channel and thank very much for your kindness during my struggles. All the very best to you take care 👋✌
@@bereal6590 I have my own stupid self imposed struggles. The covert narc divorced me back when I had no idea of narcissism and the spiritual warfare. So as soon after he divorced me he sucked me back in. Things got crazy again of course but I got really sick and my job let me go because I couldn't get better. So no way to get out for awhile. I really tried so many ways even after finally finding out about narcissism. THEN the ss checks just started coming these past couple months and he did his best to take them from me!!! I got a storage locker and have been working to get out. I do that daily. So hopefully things will go well. Alls I can say is take good care of yourself, eat right think right, get well♡. Someday soon you will get to leave also♡♡♡
@@tmo.48 I hear you, all sorts very similar for me as well. Different but similar if you know what I mean, like different types of hell. I hope to God we can both get clear of these folks and prevail with some semblance of a good enuff life. Being sick is the WORST in itself but then because then it's so hard to clear off. I wish you well for you and your health and all of your struggles, I know them too well. Thank you for your kindness and I wish the very best yet to come. We've come this far we can get there...... :):)
Phew! This one hit me hard: "That's the sign of a controller, an exploiter, a manipulator..."
I frequently felt that sharing our phones, passcodes, was a sign of health; he however, became very dodgy any time I'd ask to use or see his phone. His argument was always, "you're violating my privacy". Needless to say, I did not trust him, nor would I ever.
I've had healthy relationships and there was a natural ebb and flow with openness and transparency which correlated to trust, safety and no need to look over my shoulder. I really appreciated that.
Edit: I identify with being highly reactive. Do you have additional suggestions for how to respond vs react?
It wouldn't surprise me if the husband who assumed he would be blamed if something went missing was reacting that way because he actually did it to gaslight op
You're on it!
I ask myself that question? Am I crazy, again? Now? These people are very much living amongst us. In elected official chairs, church leadership, etc. I call to volunteer or help out, I'm am gas lighted. And they seem to think it's great to have me be left out of all activities. I find that alienating and weird.
Find another church group if you can. They are not living by their faith. Most religions teach compassion, but the group you are in is mean spirited. Plenty of other folks would appreciate your kindness and generosity.
@@AnnePerkins-po5jo thank you. I hear you loud and clear. I know without a doubt these folk are mean-spirited. It's very weird.
I am devastated and heartbroken for my daughter. Her partner is a covert narcissist. They have 2 children and what I observe is the brainwashing and manipulation of his 7 and a half year old daughter in particular, who is at the stage where she idolizes her father and believes everything he says. I would say he is grooming her to dislike and disrespect her mother; I am a witness to his psychological manipulation and control and its impact on my daughter and her relationship with her daughter. I want to cry. I feel helpless. How can I support my daughter and grandchildren through this? It is so hurtful, painful and crushing to see my daughter quashed like a bug by her partner and in the presence of their children. He demeans her, shows contempt and wounds with his words...it's his narrative and he's sticking to it. Everything is her fault and he is not accountable for anything. He is turning his daughter into a flying monkey. Please, what do I do?
Oh wow. It does sound alarming.
Narcissists are opportunists -- they never give back what they get from you. watch out!
It’s taken me 50 years to realize that he starts shouting in his deep male voice and I start shouting back. It’s not me starting it. I’ve learned to catch when it starts and call it out and am getting good at not responding in kind.
They bait and hook. Entrapment. Don't fall for it. It's mind games. Let them play by themselves. These I had to learn♡
Good work!
I agree with the person from Perth, Australia - I'm in Australia as well (Victoria), and over years and years I just don't see anything like this conversation in general life. Ideas like 'Boundaries' are just not there, not even under some other name. People do things or there are things they don't do, but there is no conversation about why they do one thing but don't do another. Self reflection culture just doesn't seem to be here - it's like it's treated that being authentic is just doing things without ever reflecting on why they do things.
You're why I do these videos! Glad to be with you all the way from Waco, Texas!
Hi Dr. Carter. I really appreciate your help and dedication. What you’re doing through internet reminds me of Dr. Holakouee who does the same thing for Iranian communities around the world. Thank you Sir.
So pleased!
Could you do more videos about Malignant Borderline? I feel like we’re understanding Narcissism as a good foundation, but since I’ve met a Malignant Borderline Codependent, I think it would be interesting to analyze this personality more and learn how to protect ourselves from it.