Avoidance mode, hyperfocus mode and writing.

My name is Xanthe.
A bit of a scatter-brained video today as my brain was going off on lots of tangents. This is consistent with mild-moderate mixed mood episode for me.
My main diagnoses reviewed recently by a psychiatrist are still bipolar disorder (type 1, which has full mania), post-traumatic stress disorder, PTSD (avoidance and shutdown presentation). He also assessed and diagnosed pervasive developmental disorder, not otherwise specified, PDD-NOS which is on the autism spectrum. Yet he said I am under threshold for Autism Spectrum Disorder, ASD. I still have current diagnoses of social anxiety disorder and generalised anxiety disorder but they are mostly mild these days. ADHD was ruled out, as I didn't have enough clinicially significant features in childhood. What looks similar to ADHD now, is a combination of my diagnoses.
Anyway, I am usually strongly in avoidance mode. Including yesterday, which is why I 'wasted time' watching UA-cam videos most of the day. Although, one could also see it as recovery time.
I kept thinking about getting back to working on my memoir (Bipolar Courage) but I also kept avoiding.
Finally, at 9PM, I pulled out my memoir and did some work on it. No writing, as my brain was not in an ideal frame to write but I did find several pages of first draft that needed to be inserted into the appropriate chapters, to be further organised, edited, rewritten later.
I tend to write complex works like books out of order, then spend a lot of time on editing and rewriting, until it flows, so the reader has no idea it was written out of order, and I culled a significant chunk of it.
I like the challenge of it yet I avoid, but then when immersed into it, it's hard to stop, as my brain switches over to hyperfocus mode.
I did a few hours on it last night, without breaks etc.
Always pay for hyperfocus as brain has difficulty winding down to sleep, today is more or less a write-off as well.
It takes me a very long time to write a book, mainly because of the recovery time needed in between intense bursts working on it.
Going off on tangents is attributed to bipolar disorder by my clinicians.
The avoidance then hyperfocus pattern is exaggerated by my diagnoses, which are managed to be less intense, with shorter periods of recovery needed.
Making these videos and also writing are forms of processing. However, writing for me is very time consuming as I do a lot of editing, culling, rewriting. It's hard work.
Making the raw videos is now easier for me than writing. Whereas I used to find writing easier than speaking.
I hope to finish writing Bipolar Courage by mid-2023. Depends on how much rest I need in between bursts on it plus what else is going on in my life. Bipolar Courage is mainly about some of the behind-the-scenes during the advocacy journey as Bipolar Courage. With emphasis on an intense connection with an autistic man, with associated drama. I avoid drama, yet I currently write about it.
My books:
www.bipolarcourage.com/books.html
My art is linked to my books:
www.bipolarcourage.com/art.html