Unmasking the abuser | Dina McMillan | TEDxCanberra
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- Опубліковано 1 сер 2024
- Women are the predominant victims of violence at the hands of men they know. Dina McMillan teaches women how to identify the signs of potential violence before it happens.
Dr Dina McMillan is a social psychologist with a Master’s degree and PhD from Stanford University in California.
In 2006 she identified the specific tactics used by abusers to establish and maintain abusive relationships. Dr McMillan published a ground-breaking book, But He Says He Loves Me: How to Avoid Being Trapped in a Manipulative Relationship, which offers rare insight into the minds of abusive predators and details the careful strategy of manipulation they use to ensnare women in abusive relationships.
This knowledge has been crafted into a unique set of prevention programs called Unmasking the Abuser, designed for early intervention and improved response. It offers a simple way to reduce the number of teen girls and women in abusive relationships with tools to clearly identify the manipulative tactics used by abusers even in the first stages of a relationship. It also highlights the ways teen girls and women can assess their own vulnerability and then minimise it.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at ted.com/tedx
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Coercive control: "Your life can be ruined by someone who never put his hands on you in anger." -- SO VERY TRUE!
Kristin Meyer until they do! And it’s your fault
The abuser put his hands on me once he conditioned me.
It is right now..
@meekmill 6:46 all eyes on you
@meekmill 8:54
I lived with a coercive abuser. I got out after 12 years. It took a lot of strength and will power to get out. It was the best decision I ever made to get out.
Abusers have an entitlement mentality and are *thieves.* At their core, they are driven by envy. They "get" to steal your personal power, to make themselves feel better. But YOU have a right to self defense. And you should exercise that.
One can measure how small a man actually is by seeing how low they need to bring others in order to make themselves feel "big".
@@weedblossom77 Small in what way?
Safe People by Henry Cloud
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
@@presence5426Cowardly
@@contenteater Who is, you?
I lived in this kinda relationship for 5 years. it was very hard for me to leave. He would break my phones, take my keys away and hide them. He slashed my tires one morning so I couldn't leave. I felt like he would try to kill me if i went for my car. I finally escaped. No one knows how bad it was, because i just couldn't bare to relive those memories. Everyday I thank God I.m not there anymore.
Oktobre67 how long was your healing?
Same story sis ❤️ narc free!
Me too
Had a relationship like that, he didn't want me to go out with friends, he used to take my car keys, he tried to killed me, he didn't want me to work. I could not talk on the phone. I'm from Brazil and livre in US with an american Citizen. I never Fell for the things he told me to. He died a few years after I left him.
Just got away from an abuser...thankfully I saw the red flags sooner than later. My heart breaks for anyone who feels trapped in these relationships.
What’s your IG? Or #? (Help)
So your ❤ breaks for me? 😢
backhanded compliments a compliment with an insult implied, monopolizing your time, isolating you, knocking out your supports by offending them or alienating them
all of this. :(
"monopolizing your time" is a powerful statement.
Abuse is slavery.....
The risk of getting stuck in these relationships is crazy to say the least.
Abusers use tactics....yesss
They are masters actors, manipulators.
They want you under their control.
Thank you for your very correct "unmasking the abuser" video. I was married to someone like this and it was a nightmare!! Married for 22 years, now divorced for 11, I am still amazed at how many people abuse...even women. They use those same tactics that my ex-husband used, and now, I can see from very far away, a disordered person. They have a need to control you, to own you. It's a scary world out there!
Laurie Syme Being able to see a disordered person from far away is something I've been working on. I used to be completely blind to it, now I can easily see the more obvious ones but sometime, with the more subtle, ones I still cant.
dreams of turtles, I think that being an empath ( something I learned about myself in therapy), being able to feel the other persons energy is what makes it natural for me to detect the abuser. Only discovering my “empath” abilities have I learned what my strengths are and why the abuser is attracted to someone like me, and many people out there who are extremely sensitive and empathetic. Thank you for your talk, this is a conversation that we need to be having, especially in light of the Harvey Weinstein problem! All of the women coming forward talk about their inner fight/flight but because he was a big deal in Hollywood, some women unfortunately succumbed to his abuse. Others got away. Imagine being married to that man! My ex who is a narcopath has great success in the business world, makes tons of money. We were in leadership at our local church, not because he was spiritual but because he had MONEY! People worship other people with money, especially in the church, because he was paying tithe money, they “let” him get away with anything. I even went so far as to tell my “Christian marital counselor” who was only talking to me, because in their eyes I was the problem, anyway, I told her point blank that if I forgive him all the ways he’s violated me, when I wake up in the morning it’s a known fact he will hit me that day. She said to just pray. I walked away from the church and filed for divorce. So many women at this church were being abused by their husbands. I wish I had money to create a “safe place” for these women to escape to. This topic of conversation is desperately needed! Sorry for the long reply, I also feel very passionate about “abuse” thank you for your reply!
P.s. my mother is a malignant narcissist, and I was married to a narcissist/sociopath. We went to a non-Christian therapist, and privately they pulled me aside and told me to run! That he was going to snap soon and I was going to be the next Lacy Peterson. I was married to this man for 22 years, and we’ve been divorced for almost 12 years. My children were traumatized by the divorce because they were too young to witness the abuse. Because their father was a high profile successful, rich business man, his abuse was “white collar” not blue collar like the movie A Streetcar Named Desire, where his abuse was out in the open. It’s been 12 years and I’ve spent all these years in therapy to repair the damage that was done. One child is just now speaking to me after no contact for 6 years and my other child, disowned me. These abusers are so destructive. They took a strong, happy, outgoing, woman and reduced me to nothing. I wanted to genuinely take my own life. Now, I am learning how to take good care of myself. Women need to hear this!
You call your mother abuser.... you call your husband abuser.... your both kids they don't like you... and you still feel that you are the victim?
I strongly recommend you to stop blaming the entire family of yours, and look what you re doing wrong... Is not possible everyone around you to be wrong and you are the one that is right....
Good luck....
@@skoufaki89 you sound like a narcissist ...
When I was younger I could never understand how anybody could possibly allow their partner to hit them, unless they grew up in a violent household. Then I heard a woman tell her story of how it developed over many years, he didn't hurt her for years, in fact he played the victim. She got sucked in through her empathy and compassion for someone who seemed to be broken but wanting to get better. She became the rescuer and thought she was the one in control.. after many years of slowly manipulating her into doing what he really wanted, isolating her, that's when he got bad, by that time she was brainwashed into accepting his behaviour. That spooked me to realise how actually even I could have potentially gotten sucked into something like that, as I have that tendency to want to take care of broken people, and might accept worse behaviour from someone I'd spent years loving. It's scary that things like that can be used against you by these selfish people.
Control. Isolate. Destroy. I married a psychopath and am in the process of ending the marriage. It is a terrible thing to come to terms with that the person you were with for so long literally never cared about you. I told him and it was water off a ducks back. I told my mother one time when he hit me and she said you know he is a really gentle person, not are you OK or get out of there now we will help you. Once I am free I am going to write about how you can recognize men like this so women don't get trapped like I did. Never have kids and lose your financial independence! Just say no ladies and don't look back.
They don't have the CAPACITY for love, so you missed nothing. Lundy Bancroft
Alex Tate, not disagreeing with anything, and wish you the best. But isn't this psychopath going to move on to the next victim? You have to worry about yourself and your kids, of course. As we all do. But at some point we've got to start talking about how to deal with with the Sociopath Problem. Because they're not going away. Whether it's 1%, 5%, or whatever % of the population, they are creating misery in society: traumatized victims, social mistrust, medical costs, full jails, crime... This is expensive stuff. And I've never heard a politician mention the Sociopath Problem. They talk about getting tough on crime, sure. But never Narcissism or the Cycle of Trauma. Maybe that's because so many politicians, and their donors, are sociopathic themselves...
Coming from abusive people primes you as an target for abuse. Abusers are birds of feather... so abusive family tend to side with your abuser. My abuser has gotten my employer/co-worker, family, (ex-friends), and social groups abuse me by proxy. I'm hemmed in pretty tight. And as for financial abuse my abuser (ex-pastor) had my employer mess up my payroll taxes so I would be in a financial bind. The kind of abuse I've been through is crazy and I'm lucky to be alive.
This is non-gender specific. Men need abused women to speak up as non-gender specific, men need protecting too. Research may show a much higher rate of women being abused, and I would say this is because men generally have not been reporting it .. or, when men do report it they are not believed because the partner has already gotten in there with the smear campaign and false accusations. I would even go as far as to say that more men might be financially, emotionally, psychologically abused more than women, particularly married men with children .. this is just speculation. Whatever the case, it is without doubt non-gender specific problem and men are under-represented and suffer greatly in silence or invalidation
Presence, i found this video because i am exploring how far reaching this issue is in society. Men have been raised to have a sense of entitlement that goes haywire after a discovery of inability to have and maintain healthy relationships so they take what they can in what ever form they can get away with (not a problem for men who can maintain healthy relationships) and this sense of entitlement for some men like the harvey weinsteins and crotch grabbing presidents is an issue of absolute power absolutely corrupting the decisions and actions of these men - and that lack of self regulation corrupts the physical brain and leads to even worse distortions of their perceptions. Political reversals of environmental protections in favor of of corporations and stock holders not being held to any moral guidelines causing destruction to the natural world and health of all living beings. Marianne Williamson is talking about our current scociopathic economic system and the need for an establishment of moral and ethical perimeters in politics and collective society. Go check out her website if you have not yet seen it. my curiosity is in regards to the effects of non self regulation on the physical brain and a further exploration of that. It is a mental illness. We have women in politics right now who want to bring major changes into the picture addressing poverty, education and healthcare and it is being demeaned and dismissed as socialism and/or communism. It is natural for women to be community oriented and to self sacrifice for children, it is built in for survival and only non present in women who have been indoctrinated into patriarchal greed mentality of every man for himself- the american dream of capitalism that rides on the backs of classism (or gods and clauds) I'm not attempting to promote specific politics but to explore the conversations that are long overdue. we now have a hub for this.
My ex recently got out of prison after 5 years. I spent years begging God to send him to jail, or kill one of us for good. Now he's out and for a second i thought he changed. But he's just regrooming me... This time from across the country. Thank you, you saved another life!
If you know he is abusive, it is best you not stay in communication with him. This could be dangerous.
My God. I'm so glad you spotted it. And your reply gave me goosebumps!
ABUSERS DONT BELIEVE YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO REFUSE. 17:59 Oh my god this is so true. Hurts so much to remember.
I've been the abused and the abuser or co abuser theirs healing in the name of the Lord.
I am 48. I learned this stuff in the 1980s. I took women's studies classes in college. I had workshops on the abuse cycle both as a youth camp counselor and as a teacher. I have a strong sense of self and my parents were mentally healthy. I still ended up with an abuser with narcissistic personality disorder; he just took a long time before he revealed himself. He didn't have regular explosive rages until about 2012, and I met him in 1989. It took me five years to figure out how to leave.
I don't understand why a version of this isn't taught in high school, it could help people avoid so much pain.
You were brainwashed in school.
I'm glad you left. Hope you are doing well and are in a much safer place now
Same here. College educated. I had seen this with other women but never in my wildest dreams ever thought I'd end up in this kind of relationship. Mine was a covert passive aggressive narcissist so it was well hidden until I started to see the pattern. He was charming and a real "nice guy". He never yelled at me, never hit me, never called me names. But he'd use a demeaning tone of voice whenever he spoke to me. He'd turn away whenever I walked into a room. And on occasion slammed doors in my face. I didn't know he was so angry and hated me so much for so long. I still didn't know what I was dealing with until after the divorce. It took me 10 years to get out. But so glad I did and now I get to mentor younger women and let them know they are not alone.
AB Haggerty the story of my life.
Let’s move our focus from accommodating the abusers to requiring
abusers to accommodate everyone else through monitoring and consequences.
This talk is spot-on.
Abusers/bullies do their behavior for two important reasons: 1) Because they like it and get a power trip out of it, and 2) Because they know they can get away with it. The rest of us need to be vigilant so that these people might not be so sure they can get away with their destruction.
Yes. They are like toddlers. You can’t let them get away with it.
One of the many things about abuse is that when you've been in such relationships for so long, you begin to slowly doubt yourself and your experiences. Your reactions to their abuse can be used to try to convince you that you are the one who is crazy and abusive, down is up, left is right, you simply feel uneasy.
I find it very difficult to deal with verbal abuse, because it's not as obvious as physical violence, not to minimize the latter, both have had a very strong impact on both my mental and physical health.
I search for sources, read books, and still somehow manage to doubt myself, he can be critical in a seemingly thoughtful way, they make snide comments that may seem like helpful advice but that somehow make you feel something is wrong, you simply cannot pinpoint what it is, and if you confront them, they'll tell you you're too sensitive, you read into everything, you take everything so personally.
It's seriously difficult, he says I want to sabotage the relationship, it's confusing, they are masters at making themselves the victim, if you ever slap him, he may do something far worse to you.
I think abuse is a very complex topic, it could happen to anyone.
I kind of obsess over the incidents that occurred several months back, throwing things, breaking your phone, calling you names, acussing you of wanting to start an argument.
There doesn't seem to be a way out, the longer you stay, the more difficult it is to leave.
Stefanie Granados truth
Stefanie Granados, what you've described is called "gaslighting" - when someone makes you doubt your perceptions and memories. Gaslighting is a textbook manipulation tactic.
Leaving is hard and scary and disorienting, but you can do it. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.
Stefanie Granados Theres also a thing called trauma bonding as well as gaslighting . Yes, it is complicated and messes with your mind so it's very hard to make up your mind to leave. There's tons of good vids on yt. about narcissistic abuse. Its all been helpful to me, plus I found a therapist that felt right thru her vids and we Skype our sessions. She's been thru it and escaped.
You also take on those characteristics of your abuser and they swear up and down that you just crazy!
Latrina Logan Too true, they drive you crazy and then say " see, look how crazy u are!". It all is part of breaking down belief in yourself and yr own perceptions. When u don't believe yr own self anymore, that's when u start to believe THEM. For me, it took someone at work who saw how destroyed I was getting. She took me aside said "he is POISON to you" She said it over and over until I realized she saw the truth that I couldn't see anymore.
My last two girlfriends were both like this. The first one was a malignant abuser. She did everything she could to crush me. Out of that one I found myself with a covert abuser. It took me a year and a half to see the cycle but I eventually got out.
There won’t be a third. Thanks for posting this video!
I'm sorry
You're very welcome!
Your exes are mY mother.
You’re lucky you can just
leave. I wish I was that
fortunate with my lot of
choices. My only hope
is when she drops dead,
but they live forever and
outlive many in The next
Generation inc their own
Children which realistically
can and do die before them.
@@falsehoodbasher7240 they were my mother too - I had to figure out why I allowed women to treat me poorly and why I was groomed to have poor healthy boundaries and inappropriate relationships. Look at who benefits from your pain or suffering and that’s where your transformation lies. Best of luck with it brother, it’s not easy but totally worth sorting.
@@sandwich-breath mY entire family
Benefits. They’re literally laughing &
joyful versus when I’m happy they’re
*miserable* . I thought to compromise
ie., deal: we’ll both be kinda happy and
kinda miserable 🤝 ok? But there is
No compromise. It’s all or nothing &
either they get mY soul or I get theirs.
It’s interesting how men who “allow
women to treat them poorly” do not
choose women like me, but choose
The women such as you with your
two exes. At The same time I too
wouldn’t you either so that evens
out, but then Idk if there’s a solution
besides give up on hope of ever
having mY own family because
mY family benefits from that too!
I was in a hundred percent abusive relationship which I recognized after 4 years . Got completely shattered from inside out and now pray for everyone that may God almighty protect everyone from this emotional abuse and the ABUSER Amen
To truly be free we got to pray for the abusers too show love and tolerance with boundaries respectfully.
They always find their way to get under your skin, and the moment you least expect it, they hit. They hit hard.
I used to say that if i ever found myself in a situation where I was being manipulated, mistreated and ignored I would run. I was wrong, it's always easier said that done. I stayed with this man for a year and months and now I finally realize that I lost a year in tears and BS.
This “man” in your life is
“mother” in mine. “mama”
as she demanded to be
addressed as when I was
a little child. You’re lucky.
The world actually supports
you. The same world that
supports MY PARENTS 😒
I learned to recognize and to run. And I still love deep but I won’t put up with feeling controlled, trapped, oppressed around anyone. Rich inner life. But the real trouble is for women having children in these relationships and no money, no help. Femicide is real, too. Learn to live. Embrace the ultimate joy in life: freedom.
I am a man and have been experienced all of this at the hands of women. Some covert some overt. The worst part is the pyschological and emotional abuse and as you said this cant be measured.
Unmasking the Abuser should be mandatory education. A fact that isn't highlighted enough is that human beings are preyed upon by other manipulative human beings. Especially, in the world, we live in today.
Adults should take it upon themselves to become familiar with this science and pass it on to the youth in their lives. This is empowering knowledge that everyone should be equipped with.
Thank you for bringing this valuable information to the mainstream.
I have unfortunately been through this with someone I truly deeply loved for 8 years. You are made to believe that the life you're living is all fairytale and bliss... until you start catching on to the gas lighting, the lying, the cheating, the hacking your phone and spying on you to avoid getting caught, etc... and you wake up one day only to realize the last 8 years of your life were never real in the first place and the person you thought you loved, was also never real... It truly messes you up all around. You mourne the loss of your soul-mate, but even worse, you mourne the loss of yourself.
If I can give any advice to anyone that might think they are living this nightmare, it would be to run and run far and fast. Before it destroys you to the extent I allowed it to destroy me.
If your partner starts telling you things happened a certain way and you know in your heart (because you were there duh) that it happened differently, TRUST YOURSELF! The biggest mistake I made in that relationship was giving away the trust I had in myself because this monster was so convincing and had me believing my TBI was causing me to not remember correctly. 😥 Causing me to give away the trust I had in myself and eventually everyone in my life that loved me and cared about me. So PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, DO NOT get stuck in that position and PLEASE love yourself and walk away. You are so much stronger than you know. And I know you don't want to hear this, but the truth is, it's not going to get any better. It only gets worse, I promise you. You deserve better.
no empathy or accountability
Facts !
So totally right. Sick arseholes .
The second date : my ex was sitting on my couch with his drawers on eating a sandwich as if we knew each other’s for years. She’s right he sped up the relationship unnaturally.
He did What???? What a weirdo!!!!!!!
If your groomed as a child to accept abuse your likely to be attracted to partners your jobs and all of your relationships.
Yes, begins at home.....and then we walk right back again. 😢
Yes it happened to me
@@Happey67 that doesn't even make sense
Yes, it so many times start at home. So when you find your abuser, they seem normal because that is the way your brain is conditioned. Sometimes "normal and good appears as abnormal"
I was taught to assume another's anger was my fault.
If I told a grown-up that someone at home did something borderline abusive, the first thing I'd be asked is "What did you do?"
It's scary how much I reconize from this. "It will be you and me against the world" was litteraly what they said to me after one month. They were pushing me to share vunreble detials about my former relationship, wich was abusive (as well). Later they used the details against me or to make comparisons. It's just getting more and more clear to me.
They really need to teach this in school. This happened to me when I was teenager.
She is talking about both abusers and abusers who are psychopaths--all characteristics that she talks about may not manifest right away --such as outright anger --they may just seem very needy. Abusers are chamelions and you can bet there are ones watching this to get tips on how to be more stealthy so they can continue their game. There are two books I think are really good "The Gift of Fear" (people distrust their uneasiness and sometimes outright fear--how can I fear someone I love or says they love me?), and a very old book "The Men Who Hate Women, and the Women Who Love Them."
Beware also--Abusers and abuser psychopaths look for people in distress, ones coming out of an abusive relationship and become their "best friend" their "rescuer", the person who understands them.. As they get close and find out what the previous abuser did to their "mark" then they become the "caring opposite" while all the time learning the weak points of their mark that they can use to control and manipulate them in the future. Abusers not only lie, they fabricate whatever reality that suits them for the moment to get what they want. They do this so the person they want to control will learn to distrust themselves and their ability to view what is real.
One major RED FLAG she missed is FINANCIAL ABUSE. The abuser want access to your resources and is profiling your financial worth or the financial worth of your contacts., And this is very often true in the older population-- I call the bounty hunters---these abusers are looking for cash, retirement accounts, property, jewelry, inheritances etc-- they will find and locate your net-worth very quickly and try to get you to help them out or get access to your resources or their names on your accounts. Marriage as fast as possible --widowers and others are very vulnerable. Put assets into trusts that are managed in ways that individuals can not control by marrying into getting access.
These people are true criminals. Don't expect them to acknowledge their behavior as wrong, or truly change. Everything they do is something, yours or someone else's fault . Even if they apologize or say they will change it is only to get a concession or bide time while they figure out another strategy to get what they want. Some abusers are very well educated. Some of them have huge libraries , filled with books like "How to Win Friends and Influence People." They take what is meant for positive relationship building and use it to win people's trust so they can control and use other people. They may even speak and write on such positive relationship building--they know they are doing wrong and harming people, but tell themselves its not their fault-- and they will do whatever they want , when the want , to get what they want. You are simply a tool to make them feel good temporarily and/or someone to use to get what they want. Everything else is just a part of their game.
You will never win trying to reason with them, or change them (or yourself, which they will try to convince you to do) to make a relationship with an abuser or psychopath work. The ONLY SOLUTION is to RUN from this person a fast a possible. You may have to change your address, your phone number, your city, state, car registration, your name, job, occupation and even drop out of communication with family and friends to truly get away from them. BUT RUN!!!
Couldn't have said it any better. What has got me thinking though is that we notice the signs but somehow ignore it. I used to have these questions and study his answers and confronted him but idk... maybe because he would know how to get me to feel worthless. He constantly said, "don't bite the hand that feeds, who will love you? No one does only me. You are sick" and the list goes on. I noticed that my friend was in an abusive relationship and I noticed I was too but I was used to guys ignoring me and it felt nice to be needed until he wanted me to change. And i did...longer hair, dyed, no revealing cloth, no friends, no job, no family...but the hardest part was him telling everyone I had bipolar disorder and that I couldn't function without him. He even told me I ate too much even though I could only manage to eat once a day with his money. He bought me stuff then broke it. It was hell but for me it was better than not being noticed. He still stalks me and says lies about me cheating....it hurts to see he didn't learn anything and I'm afraid of another girl being hurt but at the same time I'm better off away because I might risk hearing him out and giving him another chance. I'm sorry...this is long and too personal... I don't even know why I'm saying this. I guess...I'm just thinking too much...
Sounds like my mother.
Seto Freakin Kaiba Don't feel bad writing about it. I find it makes things more real when i write about them. I write in my journal but also on comment threads. It's been really helpful for me to put it out there publicly. Sometimes you get good support, sometimes not, but you are speaking your truth out loud and strengthening yourself. That's been MY experience anyway.
Nancy Lucas, great analysis. But if we run from these people, they'll just move on to the next victim. I'm just trying to figure out how we as a society deal with the cycle of abuse which these psychos create. Even on an individual level, how can we neutralize them?
have you gotten out from that relationship?
This is the marriage I endured in a nutshell.
They are abusive to their children
Yep
Check out Flying Free YT channel (Natalie Hoffman)
"Keep at the forefront of your mind that this person is ultimately trying to ruin your life"
This video should have a million views. God give you the strength to break away from your abuser. Praying for you.
I was in an abusive marriage and got out. She describes everything that my abuser did. It gets worse as time goes on. He finally tried to kill me. That was 25 years ago and leaving was the best thing I ever did for myself. He grew up witnessing domestic abuse and was terrified of his father. But, he went on to do the same thing!? You simply CANNOT stop them, but you can be made very aware of the behaviours they display. I am happy to watch this type of video because this topic is now OUT IN THE OPEN! Way back in the 70s NOBODY would discuss it. Awareness to me is just fantastic!
Elder abuse can be included here, too; it is pretty much the same only elders have even less chance of getting away.
Exactly how my ex was "oh you know how I get"- "you know how I am" "oh well it is what it is" .....I was stuck trying to understand what he felt like each day.....what to say what not to say.....my entire life revolved around keeping him calm and being nice to me. I realized this is crazy and I have to get out
Maite Mena I am experiencing this I have no clue what to do
Cassidy Shepherd I am in the same boat as well. I've been going through this for 2 years now and I'm just now realizing it's getting to be too much😔
Cassidy, how are you doing now? Sending love
When people show you who they are, believe them.
So true!
most of them are narcissists..she is describing a text-book narcissistic mindset and behaviour.
Absolutely. We also have strange ideas about "romance", and teach what's normal in a relationship. It's only a few generations ago women couldn't have their own bank account without permission, many parents will tell their daughters their man is in charge.
yes...it's a combo that is deadly.
Not necessarly : Controlling behaviors aren’t always narcissistic. And a lot of controlling people do not have a mental illness.
Who are "them" ??
Ventures abusers
ALL genders can benefit from this type of discussion.
Not just "girls".
What a wonderful talk by a smart woman. Described my abuser to a tea. Thankfully I found the strength to leave and will never go back. These people are dark, sick and twisted. They are beyond help. Never again.
I don't agree beyond help. I'm not God The power of God goes deep I make decision to forgive with boundaries and knowledge.
They need to teach classes to young girls to help them avoid a life of this type of abuse.
OH MY GOODNESS, I EXPERIENCED EVERY BIT OF THESE COERCIVELY ABUSIVE TACTICS FOR 8 YEARS UNTIL I WAS ABLE TO REALIZE THE SITUATION I WAS IN. ACTUALLY MY RELATIONSHIP LASTED 8 YEARS BUT I EXPERIENCED AL OF THESE TACTICS WITHIN THE FIRST 3 MONTHS. LOOKING BACK I SEE MY ABUSER WAS CONDITIONING ME. AND EVEN THO I WAS ABLE TO GAIN MY STRENGTH AND CONFIDENCE BACK SLOWLY, WHEN I LEFT AND HAD A SERIOUS CONVERSATION WITH HIM ABOUT MY GROWTH HE ADMITTED TO ME "I CAN NO LONGER TRICK YOU". I FELT SO IN LOVE WITH WITH MY ABUSER, HIS CHARM AND CLAIMING HE DID ALL THESE THINGS MENTIONED IN THE VIDEO OUT OF LOVE AND PROTECTION FOR ME. I FINALLY ESCAPED THIS RELATIONSHIP BUT NOW I FEEL I MAY NEED PROFESSIONAL THERAPY AFTER ALL THE EMOTIONAL, COERCIVE AND PHYSICAL ABUSE. (no specific reason this is in caps I just realized caps lock was on)
I recommend that you do seek therapy because I made that mistake of not getting any help and I seem to attract the same type of man all over again
Imagine having to spend your first 2 yrs out on your own in one of these. That was me. It was rough. But here I am. Nearly 10 yrs later and recovering every day 🙂
I agree with former comments - this needs to be heard by every teen girl and young woman! No exaggeration to say this is life-saving advice. Who knows how many lives it could save...
Ali B How about boys? Women use manipulation and cohorzion more than the "angry guys".
SHOW the teen girl thsi video so society can put them aside as ''cat women'' and let men not be abused mentally
For these men, it's a "win" -- they love the challenge & are taught & innately wired to pursue a mate.
The more ego (and therefore the tougher rejection is for them) the harder and faster they move. Problem: friends, family, therapists often cannot see the "problem" in the first year or two -- by then it's too late. Social media thrive on these "romanticized" and dysfunctional patterns.
The tougher rejection is for them.
I need to watch this everyday. I'm a guy, and I missed a lot of signs that wereconfusing but were actually red flags. Very informative discourse.
If you tune in to my "Unmasking the Abuser" podcast series (available on all podcast platforms), I cover all of the tactics in detail. I also have an Episode specifically to help males recognize female Abusers!
Preachers warned about this in the 1960's, 1970's, 1980's in the churches I went to. Thanks for the talk.
Really? What denomination
My mom lived this in the 1960's. Small country churches talked about abuse years ago. M arr
@@joynkindness I’m so glad to hear it! ♥️ Sadly, most churches preach that women must be obedient and submissive to their husbands and obey them above all and that divorce is a sin, so it’s very harmful for women and children trapped in abvsive situations. I’m glad there are supportive churches out there, they’re doing God’s true work
@@joynkindness I hope everything turned out well for your mother and you!
She has just described University Professors of Graduate students. An incredibly abusive relationship.
Her voice is so calming and peaceful that's making me sleep.
Dina is a remarkable insightful individual. She has got to the core of the abuser well and delivers her insights superbly.
Thank you, Trudi!
truly one of the most eye opening ted talks.
This ted talk changed my life! I mean that so thankyou. It was the impetus to leave a highly abusive relationship. Please educate young WOMEN to empower them by recognizing the signs of abuse before it's too late. 💪
And young MEN
My ex would always compare me with other girls, told me I was useless at music which is my passion, point every single thing I did wrong and sometimes even made them up, always critiziced the people in my life, always had something bad intended to say about what I wore, would get really annoyed if I went to a disco with friends, was jealous at all my guy friends and most of our relationship we spent stuck at his house cause I guess he wanted to have me for his own. This has been recent and it really really hurts and has had an inmense influence in my mental health in such negative ways. I beg you that if you feel you´re with the wrong person, leave as soon as possible, it will only get worse, these types of people never change.
I wish I would have seen this when I was a young girl starting to date. It would have changed my life.
This is my life of over 25 years ...and still trying to divorce him after 4 yrs!! This video made me cry cus I feel I'm crazy cus I miss him at the same time as feeing relieved! It made me realise I'm not insane!
Always think you are free
Trauma bonding sucks
Just left this type of relationship..I can't believe such people exist!I would rather be single than ever end up here again..
The key here is to unmask the abuser without risking your life. Thank you for the video. Very educative. I have learnt something here
That was the clearest explanation . I wish I had been told all this when I was a young girl facing the world and men.
This needs to be taught and re-taught at multiple stages of of our lives. Elementary, Middle School, and absolutely in High School - every year. Everyone of all genders can be abusers or the abused, and we need to constantly remind ourselves that our basic psychology will be exploited by someone. Everyone has been or will be abused to some degree in their lifetime, and it will likely happen multiple times. People who think they've never been abused likely have been. They may not have been physically hurt but they were probably manipulated or subjected to another form of abuse. It happens to everyone, and you will likely encounter it throughout your whole life. The more you know the more you see its subtle effects everywhere.
It's gonna take some time to forgive myself for not recognizing that I allowed this to happen to me.
You can't be held responsible for knowing something if you were never taught. We need to do more to make this information a fundamental part of education as children AND adults (it's not wisdom that comes from age).
P.S. this link is not only about child abuse- stay with it and you'll see how she maps out how clearly it applies to all abusers- they groom and it's insidious
And we cannot be thought of (in truth) as "allowing" what we never gave free will consent to- grooming removes that possibility
I’ve fallen for emotionally abusive men and she is spot on! Thank you for preaching truth.
Continue..I was in constant anxiety. No idea what to do. Torn between what I wanted and what my parents expected of me. I decided I was going to stay. Not because of them. But because I was afraid I wouldn't have a home if I dropped out. Little did I know this reasoning literally caused me to lose complete confidence in myself and kept my silence for the next 2 and a half years. I am slowly realizing that I have been coerced by my own parents. They were afraid. They were afraid they were going to lose me. Their own insecurities came up when I truly became independant and I began to shine. When I became a man. I will no longer allow this action to influence my life. I will no longer be coerced. If someone threatens me I will ask them why they are threatening me. I know they have no control over me. They think they do. But oh boy. Have they ever been wrong.
I am very saddened to read your comment. I am sorry they did that to you.
🌷🙏😔
@@kimkeck6266 Thanks.
5:43 pattern
social psycholgoy
abusers
6:28 not all men
7:15
angry with no social skills, majority seemed normal & charming until they opened up, drives ran deep with psychological underpinnings. They knew the relationships were unfare, some would smile & say they knew they were hard to live with but listed out nice things they did for their partner, go guilt, they felt entitlement to their partner, an object to them, rights to be respected only matterd when it came to outsiders, no empathy, they hated people interferring the most, they move quickly from one relationship to another, they confided in her to stop pretending,
9:35 many were proud of their manipulation
if someone of power was there, the tears would come & they would lie & say theyd change
very convincing performances
EXPOSED
10:40
most common tactics at the start
grooming- scripted behavior with a purpose, saying and doing things top lure someone in, increasing your control, gaining their trust
part of psychological manipulation, lying deceiving or performing to manipulate how someone thinks or acts
spreads from unconscious, conscious to emotions
not aware at first, it works whether you notice orn ot
get away
works best if the person is in a position of authority
12:41 you obey orders over time
13:00 talk out of going home, phone text video late into the night
abuser fixates, the extended contact creates artificial intimacy, alte at nite you tell him things you wouldnt during the day, fatigue makes you easier to influence
the abuser wants everything done his way, rage simmers underneath and wont be hidden eventually, lower confidence so you are easier to manipulate, embarrass, make feel dumb, unnattractive, naive, if you pull away you will be treated speacial, this is caleld the push pull
its a strong bond
15:00
too much - too many gifts, promises, talk of future
too soon - right away calls you his girlfriend or claims you, big plans
transforming - immediately starts trying to change you, unsolicited advice (youd look better with longer hair, you know
you me against the world he will swear hes done things with you that hes never done before, not true but you'll believe and be demanded to share your secrets, this wont just bond he will control
joined at the hip- he expects you to respond right away, his needs over yours and all else
isolation - abuse thrives in isolation, ruin relationships with others, critics loved ones to question their motives, he will convince you hes the only one that gets you
16:13
18:36
build confidence so you can say no, knowledge is power, all should learn these tactics
thank you.
This is a very sad state of affairs. I am 51 years old and only just discovered the sick reality of my relationships with men. I hope it gets better now that I'm aware of what was really going on.
Dina McMillan, Amen to that. You are a power-house of integrity, courage and compassion.I will most definitely buy your book: "But he says he loves me". You're a great lady. I am so touched.
👏👏
Great presentation. I would also suggest that we educate teen girls to ensure they have their own financial independence at all times in any relationship they get into. Being able to walk away is essential.
Thank you Dr. McMillan!!!!! Your information should be widely disseminated to all young women, SO ACCURATE! Wish I had saw this a year and a half ago.
When she talked about her interviews with the abusers, it really made me think. My last relationship wasn't exactly healthy and even now, I still tell people that he probably didn't know what he was doing... Even though I know he probably did...
Really wish this great video existed before it happened to me
Now that it exists, lets hope more girls watch it.
Very good insight into abusers ways.
This is so much quicker to get, women’s centres everywhere could use this information in schools and get through to future victims so much faster, brilliant.
Thank you, Tania!
I just watched your amazingness again and I’m gonna send it to my to my support worker at my amazing women’s centre. So lovely you replied to me xx
They know what they do. Sick creatures, monsters that do huge damage. And they go by looking compelled and charming (for some time at least, at some point they WILL GET EXPOSED). You can understand the twisted situation that it is, when you have been in the situation. It is seriously twisted and weird.
This is the most inspiring presentation I have ever heard in my entire life! So empowering!!!
Thank you, Amber! If you want to know more, please listen to my podcast series, Unmasking the Abuser. It's free and available on all of the major podcast platforms: Apply, Google, Spotify, etc.
Perfectly explained and on point with my own personal experiences with abusive individuals.
They need locking up and throwing away the key. Wreak havoc on other people's lives and get away with it. The damage is lifelong.
Wish I knew this 2 years ago, Thank you!
You're welcome, Kelli.
We as a species have fooled ourselves into thinking we need another!! We need food and clean water and everything else is a luxury. A relationship should be sheer bliss and joy and if not it is time for splitsville.
So true
Showing this to my daughters. Thank you.
You're welcome.
People, try really hard to be whole and find people who are also whole to love. Do that self work and make healthy relationships a priority. Never be over dependent. Always have a plan to take care of your self. Take care out there.
Beautiful:)
Had this exact conversation with my mom yesterday. I’ve been single for almost 10yrs & while a lot of people look at me from afar with attraction rarely am I approached. I told her I believe others perceive me as difficult to love because My standard supports healthy love & relationships. I do the work & don’t seek to bond in misery. I realize other people understand life in a relationship with a person like that requires them to do the work and they are not at that place in their life. After my last relationship I knew I would be single for a long time because of the depth of issues I had to confront & work through. I don’t regret any of it. I’ve been witness to many who’ve gotten married & divorced more than once in that short span of time & don’t ever take doing the work for granted. It’s a beautiful opportunity & blessing.
@@youngfun6683 Thank you for sharing, do you have children from your last relationship? It is important to set standards for yourself to protect your sanity (and protect your children)
Do you ever look at healthy relationships enviously or do you wonder if one day you'll ever find love? Real love? As a sort of reward for your strength and patience?
Do you mind me asking you age,
Thanks again x
Hoshbosh B'Gosh the victim are no over dependent. They have been targeted by the abuser. As anyone can be targeted by a thief. They are tricky and and don’t show their true colors.
Kat Violet
Hello Kat, fortunately I do not have kids at all. I love seeing others in healthy relationships because it restores my faith and belief in them. I don’t become envious because I know the work involved. I always admire the deep commitment two people have to that process with one another. I’m 38 & absolutely wholeheartedly believe that healthy relationships are available to me. Not so much because I believe I deserve them as a reward but partly because I’m not accepting less than what I deserve and I believe the universe always provides.
Why didn’t I find you in 2006? Damn it. I’d have never entered the relationship that plagued me until 2015 and effectively ruined my medical specialization that I never completed. I might have not lost the chance of marrying and having kids the normal way (I’m too old to look after a husband for kids - I had to resort to IVF), and now I’m certain I’ll die single because I can’t bear thinking myself submitting to a lunatic ever again... I was emotionally ruined for life. At least he didn’t compromise my profession as an MD (I remain a GP, instead of becoming a pathologist, but that’s fine, being a GP is still good enough)...
She is such a sweetheart! What a great talk!!!
this speech was PRICELESS
Thank you, Kristi!
I know that this video mainly covers romantic relationships and the abuse seen there but I saw a lot of parallels between my relationship with my father which I thought was an interesting point. This video was really helpful in terms of me being able to come to terms with my dad’s abusive behavior and now moving forward is my next step so thank you!
In my education programs and my podcast series (also called "Unmasking the Abuser") I describe knowledge of destructive manipulation as a superpower. Once you know it, you can apply it to all sorts of relationships: romantic, platonic, professional, etc. The maneuvers are also used to indoctrinate us to support or oppose particular social causes or political beliefs. I'm sorry you experienced that with your father, and glad you saw through it. Please have a listen to the podcast for more information.
This is some real good information! Thank you for sharing.
Wow! Accurate as something for teens to be aware of. Accurate when struggling with other emotionally abusive situations, like parental alienation. A great deal of parallels here! Thank you for a great talk!
Abusive relationships are different right from the beginning. Teen girls can easily learn the warning signs in abt 2 hours. WHO estimates 1 in 3 girls and women will be subjected to these abusers. Coercive Control is a type of slavery, absolute control. Prevention - abusers use visible tactics that are universal. The majority seemed normal, charming until the mask slips. No guilt. Hyper controlling, cruel. They move from one relationship to the next, choosing partners who truly care for them. No remorse, no compassion, no empathy.
Thank you for this Ted talk. Is was an eye opener. You're a very wise woman.
Many women do this too. Men do not want to admit it.
Lol, I know someone who did this, brags about it and so glad your educating us on it! Great job!
I wish I knew this three years ago. It would save mw from what I'm going through now.
This was my most hurtful but deserving moment...my abuser did any and every to destroy me. However I chose 2 1/2 years ago I needed to take the steps to protect myself and children..
It starts at home
Incredibly important work you are doing, thank you for sharing this with the world.
Fabulous talk and insight! Thank you so much!
YES!! Empowerment to take action comes from knowledge and support like this!
There was never any nice in the abusive relationships I was in with two different men. It was all mean. I was smart enough to permanently end both of them, that were at different times in my life.
The 3T's are so true!!! Too many, too much, too soon!
a fantastic speach, so important insights
It’s been 6 months from me being free from my abuser
Waw! So accurate and thorough!
Unbelievable!!!!
You're describing exactly the guy I dated last year! Luckily, I got out of that situation pretty quickly. I feel like I dodged a bullet!
Yes, you did!
This video is GOLDEN
In all of this, the importance is healing after abuse, the gender discussion serves to detract from real painful issues. Whether male or female, female or male, only serves to diminish the very core of who we are. All too often we are stuck in the process of trying to figure out the abusers 'tactics' and the reasons behind our abuse.
Of course we need to develop our awareness and gain a clear perspective into the psychological manipulative maladaptive behaviour for our future wellness. Though take time to think - these behaviours are historically intrinsic and belong to the abuser i.e childhood trauma - learned behaviour - chemical imbalances. Is it not enough that we were stripped of our human basic right to feel safe free and happy, but now we become so analytical, we get stuck trying to figure it all out. Figure it out as best you can, understand the reasons behind it, and the reasons why we are 'picked' to be the next source of supply. Then, please, start healing to gain a semblance of who we once were and give ourselves the best gift of all... Peace.