STOP shaming people in narcissistic relationships with THIS TOXIC LINE...
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- Опубліковано 11 жов 2024
- NORTH CAROLINA RETREAT
November 1-3, 2024
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
Enablers deny the truth of what happened to you in toxic relationships. Instead of accepting the truth, they blame you. 😖
That or minimise it to the nth degree.
💯 It’s maddening. Not sure I how I will navigate holidays this year because of them all but prioritizing my well being ❤
true
It hurts and it's even more frightening when people you know don't believe you
This is exactly what my ex brother in law did to me. I still don't know why the hell he felt compelled to make a lifelong project out of enabling his brother. It was on the level of permissive surrogate parenting I'd never witnessed before or since.
Exactly! This and the line of “You attract who you are” really infuriates me! It’s not true and it’s victim blaming.
Yep...same with the "JUsT cHanGe yOuR vIbRAtiON aNd yOu WIll SToP alL oF yOUr pRoBleMz" garbage.
We can all thank the sewage seep of the demonic, intentionally victim-blaming New Age dog s*** for this.
Yes. I sort of fell for that line when I became involved with a narcissistic colleague at work for a while. It was only when I stopped considering the possibility that I could be similar to her and honestly and strongly affirmed to myself that this was definitely not true, that I instantly felt better. It was NOT my fault. It was hers. Believing the new age BS was NOT helpful! It was harmful, in fact, but at least I woke up to it! Succinctly said.
They buy into "The law of attraction" fallacy. It's exactly victim blaming.
Actually, I attracted who I THOUGHT I was. Now, I am trying to find myself.
Whoa!! Dr. Ramani is on FIRE!!
Thank you for fighting for us who have to shut up to put up. ❤❤❤❤❤
It’s amazing how the abusers and enablers don’t understand how this applies to them. They don’t get that if they repeatedly unapologetically abuse me, they don’t get a relationship with me. Not my problem anymore. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
Say 👏🏽 it 👏🏽 louder 👏🏽 Thank you for this, dr. Ramani. There are a bunch of so-called psychologists on youtube that apparently haven't studied narcissism blaming the victims by saying they're responsible for not putting boundaries. Besides having to put up with the trauma of having been in a relationship with a narcissist, the victims still have to hear these absurds from bad professionals.
Don't take responsibility for narcissists ill-placed blame.
Very similar to the saying “you made your bed, now you must lie in it”. This is what I used to tell myself. 😢
This!!!
People who don’t get it say the dumbest things. I stopped talking about it.
Same here. People think you are an idiot for staying. They don't realize that if you go, things can get much worse for you or the rest of the family. Narcs can be dangerous. I just didn't comment and didn't worry about what other people thought.
Yep. And they laugh about things not meant to be funny.
Facts 👌
Same. I don't share it with them. 🤐
I freaking LOVE IT when Dr. Ramani vehemently lays down the truth. 👏👏👏
Amazing! So true. I was stuck 27 years! Been free 6 months!!! Moved state, got a job and feel 20 years younger. I was getting sick, truly sick but not anymore. Thank you Dr R you have walked every step with me. The times, and there were many and perhaps still some days when I'm questioning my decision, I hear his voice so I plug you in on audible or watch a video. Thank you from the bottom of my heart ❤️
I’ve had sooo many people shame and blame me for being abused, saying I choose it attracted it caused it or created it. Super messed up and beyond hurtful. I keep pretty strong boundaries with those people now or don’t have them in my life. People need to think before they speak! No one is responsible for the abuse except the abuser. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
Amen, Dr. Ramani! We needed to hear this! We can't heal if we think being kind, patient, and understanding is the problem with this world. It's the opposite. It's not our fault that people feel insecure, act out, and dont want to heal. We didn't cause their pain and only they can heal it.
You are 100 percent correct Dr. Ramani. These narcissists are fully aware of what they are doing. Sometimes the innocent partner may have some complex trauma from childhood which was unresolved, which enabled them to stay with these abusive partners. False hope. It is the Narcissist that will reap what they sow.
30 years in this marriage and now having the knowledge of what I'm dealing with, desperately want to leave, but made so much input financially into the home, I think I'm entitled to my fair share to assist me in starting over because he made me leave my job. Praying for a miracle to be out, it's horrific for any human being to go through this. God deliver your children from this hidden abuse.
Thanks for calling out this BS, Dr Ramani
I am so so glad I am free now🙏❤️
As the scapegoat of the family I used to think "You don't have to hit me over the head with that club, give it to me and I can do it myself." When I was a teenager there was an incident where my father had me trapped in a corner and was hitting his fist into his other hand saying how much he wanted to punch me. When I finally broke down and told my older brother (who I had adored when I was younger) what happened, he said I must have deserved it. I asked him what I could have done to deserve that. He said you must have smart mouthed him.
Reminds me of my narc father poking me with his finger in my chest. That really pissed me off on top of it I had no idea what was spilling out of his narcissistic vocabulary mouth
You don't have to answer this, and I apologise if it upsets you.. I'm just wondering if your Dad did eventually hit you, or did he stop at threats?
It's horrible and still abuse either way, I'm just asking because I'm in a similar situation. In my experience threats eventually turn into action.. :(
@@katyb2793 My father's violent behavior towards me stopped abruptly. From what I can piece together my father came hunting for me only to find me unconscious from overdosing on medication I had been prescribed for anxiety attacks. My parents did not call an ambulance. Apparently my father left the house and my mother went to bed. My best guess as to what happened is my father was shocked and wanted to call an ambulance while my mother would have no part in that since it would embarrass the family. Whatever happened that night stopped the violent abuse but not the emotional abuse. It was not long after that that I went away to school.
@@marysisak2359 oh Mary I'm so so sorry... you didn't deserve any of that, and it's not right. At all.
I really hope you're in a better, safe place now with people who truly love you. And I'm so glad you pulled through that night. Sending you a big hug ❤
Thank you for telling the story of my life & validating my experience. ❤
Thank you Dr. Ramani!!! Love your passion in this video. People should really take a step back and think before they throw out useless cliches and proverbs. For the users of those phrases, it's to shut down hard conversations.
Thank you Dr. Ramani 👏 Bravo 🎉💕🫶💯
"You sowed nothing, you're reaping plenty." So true. Thank you from a person born into it. It may be my lesson and my journey, but did I choose it?
Don't shame or judge people who are in such relationships. If we can, give them courage and stand by them. Remember they're already suffering.
Couldn't appreciate you more, my friend who had been in a relationship with a narcissist for years got away, I thought what a great friend, after my narcissistic husband kicked me out of 42 years marriage, she became his friend with benefits and his money, what a crazy hurtful situation I was in, thinking she was a friend hahaha... My gain, I am healing 🎉❤🎉❤🎉❤🎉❤i appreciate you and Dr. RAMANI ❤
@@flightmama3191amen💖
Thank you thank you thank you thank you I can't thank you enough. Thank you for saving me.
Thank you for your understanding and empathy Dr. Ramini. You touch my heart. ❤
I agree. I had a narcissistic father my mother the victim. Married a narcissist whose father & mother were narcissists. Was very insecure from my dad. 31 yr marriage of hell. At 29 year anniversary forr the 1st time I heard the word narcissist. Started studying it intensely. Wow now I knew what happened to me. 3 years later just divorced him and my adult children blame me. They say I'm crazy delusional you name it. He stole them from me with lies. At 61 I self healed and will start a new chapter. Fiinally at peace even if I'm alone ❤
This gives me hope❤.
My biggest respect too you.
I was raised in it by mother. I did not know this was not acceptable until I was grown and left home.
❤ to Dr. Ramani. Thank you for your kindness and hard work on making a difference in this world to help survivors of Toxic abuse. Wow powerful video.Yes we are only responsible for OURSELVES, toxic people look for anyone to accept blame for them and use the motherly/Fatherly (PARENT) instinct against the victim. Crazy how the manipulation the narcissist does works. The narcissist is not the victims CHILD. Period. ❤️🫶🤗👏👏Say your video, this louder for the ones in the back. 🗣️💯💯
I heard you say in a video, "the abuser beliefs gets entangled in your emotional DNA." Would you do a video, with examples on how this could play out, over this statement?
True. That is why you can only talk about narcissistic abuse with people who get it.
Gosh dear dr Ramani... how you say this is SUCH a help-comfort, i 'still' hang in the vibe like the lady you told about, as well : and all the wise people who help us to evolve in life, almost all say it's 'our life - we need to solve this inside - it's this incarnation etc etc', the GUILT.... bless your heart, from Belgium
Amen Dr Ramani! 👏 Thank you ❤
Oh my gosh, YES! This kept me stuck for so long and still I default to what did I do (or not do) that got me here and that caused them to act like this. Your passion around the current over simplistic take responsibility for EVERYTHING in your life was refreshing. Thank you Dr Ramani!
'Oh, you're just imagining it' .. 'Oh, you're playing the victim' ... What utter BS! The abuse was/is real and not provoked or asked for. Take them to task and hold them accountable.
Also, I’ve been on the receiving end of comments like this “at least he never hit you” or “at least he didn’t have an affair.” People just don’t get it.
They really don't get it and I'm tired of trying to make them get. My healing has been mostly a solo journey. I can't afford a therapist, not too big on trusting them either. I worked in an office with therapists.
@@sbella6719 I spent $3k with an online therapist. Apparently she doesn’t know or doesn’t believe in narcissist abuse. I described perfectly to her what I now know were gaslighting, projection, passive aggressive anger and narcissistic rage episodes. When I described the events to her she’d only say it was a trauma response from something in his (my abuser’s) childhood. Like I was again supposed to be the empathetic one and look past his abuse. I stumbled upon a book about covert narcissism towards the end of my time with the online therapy sessions. Dr Ramini and Dr Carter have been a thousand times more helpful than was my expensive BH online “certified” therapist.
Yes! Thank you Dr. Ramani. 100 percent agree with this!
I think proverbs are tricky things. They work in some cases, but fail in others. I’ve made my mistakes in life, and I’ve paid for them. But I’ve never deserved the abuse I’ve gotten from narcissists. I didn’t sow anything; I just tried to be a good friend. And they were more than happy to reap me again and again.
A watched pot never boils. But don't dare take your eyes off of it.
Yay, another Proverb! Thank you for looking at this one in a nuanced way. Tiny moments of normal can be misleading. And we can't take the blame for all of the moments.
We could be all married to the same man! You're describing my husband.
Mine too & my marriage. It only started to get really bad after the kids were born.
It also describes my wife’s family and what they did to her.
Crying as I watch this. That person you are talking about, that is where I am. 28 years and it is getting worse. Don’t know how much more I can take.
Dr. Ramani i pray God's goodness and mercy follow you forever 🙏. You are helping me, and millions navigate evil, narcissists, 👿. Power Persevering in Prayers Psalms 1-150👑🇯🇲🙌🙏❤
I know this proved "You reap, what you sew." Face consequences down the road, NOW, is the set time to expose the trap that was set for, has engulfed my Gaslighting Abuser.
AMEN! THANK YOU 👍 ❤️
No one willingly, intentionally, or purposely chooses to be in relationships with toxic people. What I don't understand is why some people run back to narcissists who abuse them over and over again as they did before - not trying to be rude or judge anyone but just want to understand.
That’s a Good Question?? I did it .. something to think on .. why did I.. I was raised by a psychopath.. yo Dr Ramani??
Could be a combination of things, but I'd attribute it largely to familiar behavioral patterns, loneliness, and the often misguided belief in personal redemption. If you grew up with toxic family members or support systems, then that behavior becomes normalized. Our brains like patterns and tend to latch onto what is familiar. People also go back because they believe the toxic person/people in question can and will change--either because they've promised to do so or they assume that they will have an epiphany and seem the error of their ways. Additionally, some people just can't bear being by themselves. They find it better and easier to be with someone, even if that person is awful, than no one.
They say it's hard to understand why people go back but the jist of it is that we as people love to give the ones we "love" chances over and over again and supposedly the highs and lows make the relationship addictive
Trauma bonding will make you go back to the abuser. It doesn't make sense but it is a very real phenomena.
Some cultures believe that love is forgiving.....even if that means enduring trauma...
"You chose this life" is what I hear.
I am going through this still with a narc sister who recently tried to apologize to me for her past behavior when we were kids. She tried to get me to accept her apology that went something like this - she said she was sorry for her treatment of me over an argument about a remote control and who wanted to watch what (which really didn’t acknowledge or justify the thrashing she gave me); she apologized about the way she treated our brother (who died 43 years ago); she took responsibility for EVERYTHING that happened when we were growing up together (it was all her fault, all of it, no matter what); she kind of acknowledged the hurt she caused my brother and I; but she did not say that she would never act that way again towards me in the future. I was actually stunned by the fact that she did try to apologize in her own way but I told her it caught me a little off guard and that I didn’t know what to say. I acknowledged what she was saying but never really accepted it as an apology. She also told me that she wanted us to be brother and sister again, you know, like we were in the old days (YIKES!) and just wanted our relationship to move forward. After her call I started thinking about what she said and thought that perhaps I should tell her she shouldn’t blame herself for everything that happened, but only take responsibility for her own words and actions and not everyone else’s. I was not the easiest to get along with as a kid and surely my words and actions probably set her off and caused her to beat me the way that she did. I can’t help but blame myself for the way she abused her responsibility over me as the oldest sibling, that it was me that caused her bad behavior towards me. My mom tells me that at least she’s trying to make amends, but I really don’t know what to say to her. I feel shocked and numb…..
I cannot tell you how many times in 18 years I said to myself, "I chose him. I gave my word. I committed myself to him. That's why I have to stay."
As he got worse and worse. And demanded, and sucked every bit of my energies. With every miserable excuse, SUCH a victim.
Finally, in early December 8 years ago, I said I was done. And meant it. That in early January either he or I would move, so get off his duff and find a place, or I will.
So, faced with FACTS that he did not want to deal with, 2 days after Christmas, he committed suicide.
He threatened that a lot. All the time I knew him. Perhaps I could have had him committed. I could not change his issues, and he would not, absolutely refused, to take responsibility. He even tried to get ME to tell him to go do that, and I absolutely refused. Miserable to the end.
SO strange.
Months later I noticed that HE HAD MADE PREPARATION for ME to commit suicide along with him.
Difficult, difficult. I AM guilty, of surviving, him, parents, others.
Thank you Dr Ramani for this video 🙏I really needed to hear this. I was definitely trapped in the "marriage is hard work" and "it takes two" so work on yourself and think what you should be doing better. I'm so grateful for this video from an experienced professional.
I tell myself that way too much. Your video the other day about the internal voices helped me realize this. So now I can work on this. Thank you. ❤️🙏❤️
I was told, "Maybe in a past life, you abused them."
So basically they are saying it is ok to abuse you. That is messed up.
yep 😢
Wow Dr Ramini ❤❤you’re so passionate about what you know, thankfully I do too.
If I had known then that I know now I would not be where I am. 42 years worth.
The "church" is notorious for that. Trapped for decades and all anyone cared about was his soul and finding ways to blame me. Now I would have no problem watching their seed be abducted and turn a blind eye. They will get the sermon, its a lesson, they are reaping, maybe its sin, maybe its because of Your sin, and let whatever happen happen with NO sympathy....
😭 😭 Thank you Dr. Ramani! 💜Holy Fuck!!!
I love how passionate you are about this. It's obvious how much you care 😊
I never thought of a relationship as "WORK". It's WORK when you're with the WRONG PERSON! Treating someone you're with, that you Love "GOOD" shouldn't be considered work. You do things for each other because you want to. It's simple and should come naturally. Being with the someone who doesn't respect you, is what makes a relationship complicated and frustrating. When you're in a TUG OF WAR all the time, that's no fun!
This thinking is on par with "if you love what you do, you'll never work a day in your life." NO. The idea that good relationships don't require work is nonsense. They require LESS of it, and when there is work, you have a partner WILLING to put in the effort. Even non-narcissistic people are human--they will hurt you and make poor decisions. So the notion that good relationships are smooth sailing and good behavior always comes naturally is illogical.
@@dragonwitch27Agreed. Even a relationship with a healthy person is work. The idea that a relationship should "come naturally" is a fantasy. I think the difference is the work put into a healthy relationship makes progress instead of constantly having to be repeated. The house of cards that is the narcissistic relationship, constantly has to be rebuilt.
Thanks Doc... spot on as usual.
I cannot wait to return home and have my funeral. These sorts of people that abused me. Their karma is here..and I don't care enough to be on this planet to witness it. Ive served my purpose. I'm ready to go home.this planet is too ignorant..
We definitely are not responsible for their toxic behavior and we still get abuse and there is still no justice in situations with them we can’t get away from. All we can do to be safe is watch them, don’t engage and ask ourself what does this all mean?
For me I am personally attracted to sexy and charismatic girls, so I finally came across my ex , a covert narcissist.
Good talk dr❤
Does Dr Ramani have any resources for protecting the kids of these relationships? I left, because I didn’t want to look back 10 years later and have stayed “for the kids” but then they’re telling me dad lies, etc… he’s trying to take them from me. They are 22 months and 3 months. I left 10 months ago. Court can see he’s crazy but not that he’s not safe for the kids… so they are still giving him 50/50…
I hate self righteous people blaming the victim. I am. caught in a trap with a narc partner. I mostly gray rock. It is so financial. I pay for half but I cannot afford to leave. I think that he is abusive and I stay away as much as I can. I never loved him. He is disgusting and ugly, both inside and out.
Hackers are not leave us ...they got personal information by hacking only not by sharing...so what next....just use them for best ...even they don't know how is this happens...messing with wrong person always trouble to narc...
I love the proverbs. Thank you for bringing it back.
Enablers tell you it’s not so bad because they don’t want the disordered person to latch onto them. 🤢
This person’s experiences are nearly identical to mine. With the exception of no children. After discard I now stop putting blame on myself. He never will accept any blame for his selfishness and emotional abuse. I have learned so much thankfully. I now see women in one of my social groups attempting to fix a difficult to please divorced man who is also in the same group. It’s interesting but sad to watch.
Thanks Doc. for reminding me of how peoples often boasted their successful diet programs and their short coming determination that they had shredded their "heavy weights" championship in a few months😂😅..However, they were eventually gained all those weights back short times later with interest added😆😉🤭..
I have never paid attention to the reap/sew crowd. Typically, they’re making bad choices themselves, like remaining in their own abusive situation. They also don’t seem to get why you’ve handled your situation, within the context that is. There’s also that sort of victim blaming/shaming/schadenfreude in there, where they may just enjoy blaming the victim, for ANY h choices they’ve made. They’re not in your shoes.
For me, I’ve handled my situation the way I have, because it’s within the context of the situation AND current global economics. I CANNOT POSSIBLY value someone’s opinion, when they don’t know anything about what’s going on in the world and think tomorrow will be the same as today. So, there’s no point in me asking them, just so I can look at them, like they have 2 brain cells competing for 3rd place!
Its like youre talking about my marriage. OMG.
Thank you Dr Ramani! I am so curious as to the gender majority of your audience. Why do I feel that it’s mostly feminine?
Brilliant.
When they love a psychopath and I am only the less person cause I saved myself from a psychopath.
Brava!
You know what really upsets me is the fact that my daughter realized she was with a controlling man and apologize and said I’ll never stop contacting you with you again you’re my mom I love you and then all of a sudden four years later we finally get together and she starts to act like she’s nuts screaming and yelling about the drive the rental car About her luggage getting lost and then when I was exhausted and I wanted to go to sleep because she was going out I said I was really depressed my mother‘s dying and he did it now and I really sad about it and I said are you coming back or not go to sleep so I just went to sleep and a couple hours into my sleep called and told me she took all her stuff she’s not coming back she wants nothing to do with me it’s just like She was little. I didn’t know what the hell she was telling me I gave her the whole upstairs in my house for her or son to have a place that they could stay at while she was visiting and I went down the stairs in the basement to sleep it’s a fetish basement it’s nice but I gave her her privacy and I gave her what she needed and I don’t know what she took or what she did but she nonchalantly told me she took a whole bunch of pictures on her camera things I had and I don’t know what else she did but she left very abruptly and never returned the phone call never called me never apologize it was always like the four years of blocking and being close never happened. it’s just kind of stop I had to deal with with my ex-husband who was formally by a doctor of psychiatry diagnosed with the worst case of narcissism he’d ever seen and that’s a quote and then they gave me a diagnose of post traumatic stress disorder. Offered me meds I said no anyway is my kid got narcissism is that what this is because they’re all avoiding me they don’t talk to me the divorce of their father is the one that cheated on me!!! I left me for another woman and then tried to take some of my kids in the process nine months later they all came back to live with me after I moved into my new house. My kids use me and they just continue to do so unless I can cosign for a car or something
TOTALLY AGREE- however, what of the enabler parent with narc fleas? I've seen my mother descend further and further to the dark side over the last 20 or so years. She is now just as invalidating, cold, and passive-aggressive as her narcissistic husband. At first, it started off as him being the one to make issues between my mother and her children, but now she feels we've done her and her boy wrong. At what point does a victim become a perpetrator?
My God this is my story...
Doc- sorry for slightly unrelated topical question but I want to hear from you-the expert-Can you speak to the terms “Sigma Empath” and “Dark Empath” PLEASE and what happens when the two collide?
The issues came from their childhood
Hear Hear ‼️
A perfect marriage or relationship is an illusion; there's no universal playbook for making them work. What's effective for one couple may not apply to another. Nevertheless, I've come to understand that there's always a solution to be found. Half a decade ago, my wife and I faced such trials in our marriage that divorce seemed inevitable. Yet, through perseverance and determination, we navigated through the rough waters and emerged stronger, reunited, and more resilient
There is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things
Its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is shelly renee white..
This is helpful, I will look her up online right now...Thanks.
You wont regret it
Narc-abuse requires @ least 2 ppl. This dynamic is a 2-part: delivery & Receiving. The Narc is fully accountable for the abuse, BUT the abused ADULT is SOLELY responsible for “receiving” the abuse & for going back for more. Nat’l Dom Viol Hotline, state shelters, domestic violence res ntwk, Transitional Housing, Churches, temp-emergency shelters, women’s shelters, even completely free-legal (including TRO)-my husband is one of those Attorneys completely free in MS. No reason to go back for more. Workers needed in every corner. Abundance of jobs (even if not ideal). The main prob is foolish pride. Ego eclipses good judgment. They stay bc they wld feel shame. We have to change society & victims’ mentality.
Make me think you know what you’re with and afraid it could be worse.. just a horrible situation
What if he was her adult son?
40th, 11 October 2024
You should pass this on to the Dr. They talk about Narcissism at about 23 minutes. ua-cam.com/video/nZV1oYv5Ddo/v-deo.html
Thats a them thing Thankyou ❤ 🐨🦘
Does Dr Ramani have any resources for protecting the kids of these relationships? I left, because I didn’t want to look back 10 years later and have stayed “for the kids” but then they’re telling me dad lies, etc… he’s trying to take them from me. They are 22 months and 3 months. I left 10 months ago. Court can see he’s crazy but not that he’s not safe for the kids… so they are still giving him 50/50…