Got FOPO? Fear of Other People's Opinions | Michael Gervais & Dan Harris Ten Percent Happier
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- Опубліковано 5 чер 2024
- Why fear of other people’s opinions (FOPO) holds us back, and what to do about it. Dan Harris is joined by Michael Gervais, a high performance psychologist and host of @FindingMastery podcast. His new book is called The First Rule of Mastery: Stop Worrying About What People Think of You. In this episode we talk about:
- A handy new acronym: FOPO, Fear of People’s Opinions
- How the evolutionary roots of our desire for social acceptance work against us in the modern world
- Why caring about what others think is not the same thing as worrying about what others think
- The difference between a purpose-based identity and a performance-based identity
- The anti-FOPO power of things like: imagination, journaling, meditation, social support, and considering your mortality
- Why focusing less on yourself can be the greatest bulwark against FOPO
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00:00:00 Introduction to Michael Gervais, author of Fear of Other People's Opinions (FOPO)
00:03:00 Origins of Social Rejection
00:04:00 Impact of Social Media
00:06:41 Michael Gervais' origin story of social rejection
00:14:00 How damaging FOPO is
00:21:00 Research study about social rejection
00:26:00 Western performance-based cultures
00:32:00 Second self or Code switching
00:47:00 Theres no I in Team
00:58:00 How meditation can help FOPO - Розваги
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I loved this conversation and it appears that FOPO is not radically different from the imposter phenomenon. What say others?
Interesting thought!
Woooof - that marriage counselor’s comment hit hard.
Caring vs worrying. HUGE to master. The years I spent worrying...the energy I used up. argh! This podcast is so valuable. Thank you!!
Thank you for sharing!
This discussion reminds me of an African proverb I have on the inside cover of my gratitude journal because it resonates so deeply...
"If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together."
Love this!
@TenPercentHappier 😊 Our collective human experience, in a nutshell.
People are always saying that it was a death sentence to get kicked out of the tribe. But these people haven't read "The Dawn of Everything," by David Graeber. Graeber says that in prehistoric times, hunter-gatherers left their "tribe" all the time. Hunter gatherer groups even today are not made up mainly of kin, but of chosen friends. The freedom to leave was a cherished freedom in our deep human past. In North America, native people could leave home and travel on foot hundreds or even thousands of miles and be welcomed, fed, and sheltered by other members of their "clan," a group that transcended tribe. The Bear clan, for example, was all over North America and had to host other Bear clan people regardless of their language or tribal origin.
I think that the FOPO is a more recently evolved trait that became adaptive when people settled down into towns and villages, and mobility as a basic freedom was abrogated. Particularly when these societies became hierarchical, it became important not just to please other people in general, but to please the rulers. I see this all the time nowadays: people defer to bullies reflexively. But maybe sometimes you should just leave, like a good Wendat warrior would. We have self-domesticated in the last few thousand years. A trait doesn't have to go back hundreds of thousands of years to be hard-wired: evolution works surprisingly fast sometimes. Also, culture plays a huge role in creating your FOPO. It's not just evolution.
The fact that Wendat's had warriors probably proves the times weren't so welcoming. Did Graeber talk about all the indigenous warfare, ambushes, slave raids?
The whole "self-domestication" concept is pretty interesting though, with Buddhists being fairly "advanced" in poodling themselve, lol. I've given this concept much musing.
@@chadreilly Wow...I don't know that I would describe my relationship to an over two-decade, highly imperfect, lay Buddhist practice as poodling myself...I'd argue it trains the mind in radical acceptance for yourself and others. Perhaps the collective practice of text asks practitioners to prostrate themselves....I'm more interested in what Sidarttha had to say about finding out for ourselves. The teachings suggest that he valued leaving the tribe...he himself left the tribe. Speaking of Buddhism, the teachings suggest that the need to be "OK' in the eyes of others is an aspect of our clinging to our sense of self...when we drop that tendency to mask - to defend the sense of self, there's nothing to fear....there's just...flow.
@@newpilgrim Probably poodles don’t like to see it that way, lol. But what is meta, if not self-indoctrination to be more passive/domesticated, more poodle, less wolf? Less Wendat warrior. Then there’s the whole pejorification of striving and desire, with “radical acceptance” as you call it being kind of sheepish. I remember when I was doing my yoga teacher training, I was like “wow, these people are super nice, but not too long on critical thought.”
But since human self-domestication was brought up (the classic paper being by Helen Leach) the findings are that as animals (to include people) bred solely to be less aggressive, end up with a number of other physical changes, to include SMALLER BRAINS. Particularly those parts of the brain that sense and relate to the outside world. And what do you do with meditation, but close your eyes, shut yourself off from the outside, imagine within…
Personally, I do think there are things to be gained by meditation, but it should be kept to a minimum. With these ten day retreats literally making people weaker. Sitting being the new smoking and all. I expect this explains at least some Dan’s back pain he talks about. I know Buddhism speaks about the two arrows of pain or whatever. Well, someone should have informed Buddha that there is also this highly evolved sensation of pain, that developed in order that you might get up and move, and avoid the source of at least one of those arrows. FWIW, I seem to recall somewhere in the Pali Canon that Buddha had low back pain also.
I listened to this interview twice and then went out and got the book from the library. Then I realized I needed to go buy the book, because there was too much that I needed to underline and reread. Thank you for all this research. I am really appreciating the difference between performance based identity and purpose-based identity, and I can see those two things at times at odds with each other inside my head, but it’s been so great to have a way to identify and label each of those particular types of thoughts, because when I notice the performance based thoughts arise, I can choose to shift to a more purpose based way of going forward. Thanks again.❤
Love this!
Yah, there's no I in team, I was puzzled when Dan said me lol. It also makes sense tho in a weird way 😕
Wow this was good! Thank you so much for sharing this. ❤
Thanks for watching!
Loved this conversation 🎉.. its a winner for all age groups.. keep it coming please .
Wonderful, thank you!
Rejection is losing one’s husband and losing my couples friends..they weren’t really my friends.
Thank you for sharing.