Relationships with Enneagram 4s
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- Опубліковано 1 сер 2024
- Here are the five key themes to know about relationships with Enneagram Type Four Individualists. These themes span the entire spectrum of healthy vs unhealthy 4s, so BE WARNED! These episodes contain more critical commentary than your average enneagram content on social media as I believe that's the heart of the enneagram's purpose (i.e. self-critical reflection that leads to true self-acceptance, healing, and personal growth). It's also not a one-size-fits all episode, so some of this should not resonate with everyone, especially in the higher levels of health. Lastly, if you want to go deeper into the theories around the type four personality, check out the videos linked below 👇
0:00 Intro
1:11 Emotion
3:19 Comparisons
5:19 Hide & Seek
7:39 Authenticity
9:16 Intuition
11:24 Bonus
▶ TYPE 4 COMPLETE GUIDE: • Enneagram Type 4s Expl...
▶ Type 4 Childhood: • Enneagram Type 4 Indiv...
▶ Type 4 Wings: • Enneagram Wings for Ty...
▶ Type 4 Triads: • Enneagram Triads for T...
▶ Type 4 Instincts: • Instincts for Enneagra...
▶ ENNEAGRAM RELATIONSHIPS ❤️
Type 1 • Relationships with Enn...
Type 2 • Relationships with Enn...
Type 3 • Relationships with Enn...
Type 4 • Relationships with Enn...
Type 5 • Relationships with Enn...
Type 6 • Relationships with Enn...
Type 7 • Relationships with Enn...
Type 8 • Relationships with Enn...
Type 9 • Relationships with Enn...
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-Written by Colton Simmons but with all due credit to the Don Riso & Russ Hudson of the Enneagram Institute and their many books for the majority of the insight contained in this video, as well as Richard Rohr, Helen Palmer, Claudio Naranjo, and many more inspirational enneagram minds!
Big thanks to everyone watching, liking, & subscribing! This series has been a huge labor of love and it's so great to see your response💜
the bit about love languages at the end was SPOT ON. receiving gifts makes me feel soooo awkward, and its really hard for me to see love in a gift when it misses the mark. its like, i thought you understood me but i guess you didnt🥲and now i have a physical reminder of that misunderstanding that i get to keep forever
Listening to this, I laughed, then felt cringey and gross, then felt proud. Thanks for the video. 4w5sx
That feels like the best response you could have to enneagram content 🙏 Thanks so much for watching & engaging!
Im 4w5 too
I laughed as well 😂
I always feel that whole roller coaster when I learn stuff about 4's too!!! 😂😬 Well stated. 💛👌
Such a 4 comment
I’m a four and I think touch and words of affirmation are my most desired experiences from my partner. I need to hear you love me and I need to feel it literally
Thanks for sharing!
Words of affirmation and assurance is so needed. Not fair maybe. 😢
Same, honestly. People don’t understand that head scratchies are of vital importance. If she’s not running her fingers through my hair regularly, it can only mean she wishes I were dead, there’s just no other explanation... LOL
The comments on this video are so personal, it makes me feel like it's a group of old friends ❤
Yes! Well said.
I find the Enneagram most accurate of all personality theories. I totally relate to the 4.
Agreed 💯
I know I should make my type 5 husband of 20 years watch this, but I might cringe myself into dust if he learns all of my humiliating secrets😂
Thank you so much for all of your excellent content! It has helped me understand myself and the people I love so much better♥️
Haha well hopefully it's cathartic watching the Type 5 Relationships overview on the flip side :) And thank you so much!
Holy shit I feel naked! It's amazing how a stranger who lives on the other side of the world understands the core of my being while everyone in my immediate environment is clueless 🤪 Thank you for the video 😊🤗😇
Glad it resonated! And just outta curiosity - where exactly is the "other side of the world"?
@@YouveGotaType It is across the pond, Croatia, Europe :P
@@slatkikontiki4696 awesome! Ive heard a lot about how beautiful Croatia is 🙌 🇭🇷
@@YouveGotaType Sure is. Go see for yourself 😊⛱🏝
It's been a nightmare. Thank God for learning about the Enneagram.
Best wishes on the enneagram journey 🙏
I think 4s feel like we're equal parts awesome and deeply flawed. Makes it hard to maintain good self-esteem and strong self worth. Or at least that's how I feel being a 4.
That was pretty much my opening statement :) “uniquely gifted & uniquely wounded”
The eternal struggle
You have no idea how often I've paused the video because of how accurately you described the things I can't put into words; I was either laughing or cringing at my coping style. As a 4w5 sx, the withdrawing part was wonderfully articulated, and I'm horrified that I keep doing that in real life and in my imagination. I tend to withdraw from my family and friends because I feel like I've overexposed myself in some way and see if they noticed I was gone or not. If not, I get annoyed at them... and clearly, I need to work on adequately communicating that withdrawing phase.
For authenticity, I can see through my family and friends unsaid words and facades, and when the time is right, they tend to share things with me - ESPECIALLY the painful topics that they rarely discuss with anyone else. Most of the time, I cry (the usual) or empathize (maybe even beyond that) with them. My soul felt connected to them at that profound moment, given both of my wings tend to reflect on their reason(s) and emotions.
As an artist, intuition is helpful when it comes to expressing myself! It pulls me out of my rut, and I start getting out there and posting my art again! It also helps me be more aware of my reactions and how to direct them to something meaningful instead. Thinking about it, I should develop my wing 3 more to get myself out there.
Also, the last section was uncanny because there was this one time I and my family discussed what love language they preferred. We all share a common one: words of affirmation, so it's a pretty spot on for me! I also added that my second language is quality time.
Anyways, great video! I can't wait for the Enneagram 5 video next week :)
Thank you so much for writing this wonderfully thoughtful comment! It took so much time to craft each theme in the hopes that they would resonate like this, so this all felt great to read 🙌
I LOVED reading this!!! I tend, almost always, to feel that my long-winded explanations show that I am insecure and too serious or that I just need to be a little more shallow in my approach to social interactions but it’s just. Now. Who. I. Am. And reading this really helped me realize I just gotta push through that slight negative self-talk and embrace this as my reality.
Someone will love me well and find it attractive, one day.
Between the 2 of you, I feel so exposed. I am gonna go hide.
Oof the sx 4 is truly tortured, no matter their upbringing or wing. I am a 4w5 sp and constantly think of how important it is to give as much time and forgiveness as possible the sx 4, so tortured. Thank you for sharing.
I was in a long-term relationship with a 4. My biggest struggle was he idealized me from afar and wanted more quality time but when we would spend time together he was constantly frustrated with me (push-pull dynamic). He dominated conversations with mundane work stories or the expression of his creative and political ideas. He didn't inquire about my feelings and experiences (as a 9 that is very triggering). When I finally suggested therapy he raged because he felt I was trying to change who he was (which was not the case). I only wanted us to learn skills to bring us back together.
Oh, and he HATED gifts! Wanted Christmas canceled :P
Thanks for sharing this personal experience of relationship with 4s! Definitely sounds like you got hit with the dark side of the less-than-healthy traits.
Ouch! I’m the 4 in a relationship with a 9. That thing about talking about my political views and mundane work stuff felt embarrassingly familiar to read 😳🫣 Now I’m wondering if I can fix that or if I’m just too fundamentally flawed and will inevitability end up alone/abandoned in some horribly depressing and ugly place. I guess so 4’ish of me to express 😶
Mam wrażenie że piszesz o relacji z narcyzem 😬
Yes, let's PLEASE cancel Christmas! LOL
Wonderful video as always! As a 4w3sx, on the topic of gifts, you were spot on. Gift giving is my love language, but **ONLY** if it is meaningful and unique! A gift that doesn't apply to me or something that isn't very special certainly prods at those negative emotions of "oh, maybe they just don't care about me/know who I am". Showing me you know my core identity through a thoughtful gift for me is the best way to show I am loved.
Of course, quality time and words of affirmation work for me as well, though words of affirmation tends to struggle to get through all the negative self-talk I do whereas the right gift makes my heart soar! 💘🥰
Glad you enjoyed it! And thanks for sharing your perspective on the love languages - definitely a fascinating pattern to see as everyone chimes in :)
Thank you so much for this comment!! 🥹
What you said about being rather with a partner who is authentically messy than with one who won't let anyone see behind their shiny persona low-key made so much sense, I'm starting to understand my own past a lot better. Thank you so much, I had to laugh so hard🥰😂
Glad it felt accurate - and even got a laugh 😄
this has made me understand moreso why I view everyone through a lens of "why?"
"Why?" as in, "why" does this person speak in this way to me, "why" do they react to this situation this way, etc. I examine people and I naturally see below the surface and if someone is putting up a front for the world. This is especially true for me when a person is putting on a face to blend in with those around them and lack uniqueness in any way and just "go with the flow" of the masses; I find it repulsive! Anyway, thank you for this video it was very encouraging
Glad you found it encouraging :) And thanks for sharing your personal perspective on these traits, feels like it fits a lot with the theme of authenticity
tooo real. i was tearing up by the end of the "hide & seek" section
🙏
@YouveGotaType “Loneliness causes the 4 to idealize the one they lost as some idealized version of who they were , which causes them to come running or crawling back based on how much pride they have left”. WOW. How is this sooo true? Where In the heck did you gather all this info to be this good at dissecting the enneagram types? 10/10 , subscribed
So glad you're enjoying the channel, and appreciate the sub! I give big props to Don Riso & Russ Hudson of the enneagram institute for their teachings. And regarding your comments on my shorts videos about advice, I'd really recommend their book The Wisdom of the Enneagram if you're looking for solid, practical advice about how to become the healthiest version of yourself and using the enneagram as your compass to navigate the journey. Hope it helps!
I'm a type 4. As for Love Language, yes, quality time & words of affirmation. BUT I appreciate any kind of love language since it's a mean of "showing love".😌
Makes sense, thanks for sharing!
I'm at 459 (4w5) and acts of service is my ultimate love language but I can see how one would intellectually assume we don't want those things; but I cry sometimes when my wife makes a meal, and it could be something as simple as oatmeal... I am profoundly grateful and feel alive when someone actually does something for me.
Thanks for sharing :) My love language section is just a best guess based on general trends just
The thing about love languages is sooo true... I’d rather you just give me a letter professing your love and admiration rather than a gift that I feel you didn’t think deeply about. There’s nothing I hate more than unintentional gifts ... or gifts just for the sake of gifting it makes me feel like you really don’t understand me. Because I crave intensity and deep connection, you’re better off telling me why you got me the gift rather than buying me some really expensive and fancy gift like a piece of jewelry that had no thought process behind it whatsoever.
Love it, thanks for sharing!
this is so spot on! I really value the messy, raw emotions, ugly crying, frustrations lol... bc we can feel so deeply and empathize, we just want to let our hearts out. Having a good intuition it's great, but it's hard with the types that do not like to go into their feelings, because we can still see it 👀and it's hard to let it pass or talk about something else. The same thing w our own feels
As a 5 with a wing firmly planted in 4, I will say I adore the fact that I am all the negatives of the 4 themselves. Ah, to repress these emotions and make them behave... often at the end of a point-ed stick.
This is why I am looking forward to the video on 5s that will be 30 seconds long and will say "continue to repress your emotions and bury them deep inside."
Wait...
That's the wrong index card.
Ah, here we go.
"Continue to be British."
There we go!
Great video as always! Gives me something to chew on for sure!
Haha man I'm lookin forward to an equally cheeky response to the 5 next week! Glad you enjoyed this one 🙌
Bahahahaha
I’m a four and all the love languages are my love language lmao
haha well good to know! Ironically I made that joke about 2s in their video...
As a four, I've been reflecting //ofc I've been XD// abt the gift giving thing. Although I do appreciate when someone gifts me something that really resonates with me, and it clearly shows that they know me, what I want, etc. As I watched ur video "Type 4s Explained," I realize that I don't need to interpret it from that pov.
Giving a gift that doesn't resonate with me doesn't have to mean that someone doesn't know me or can't love me the way I want to be loved that is through meaning and understanding. Instead it can show a part of how they think of me which is different with how I think of myself. A gift and an insight at the same time. Or, maybe they just aren't the type to love by meaning, or they don't have the time and energy, and that's okay. Interpreting and identifying patterns, once noticed, makes it easier to be a healthy 4. Objective journaling of unhealthy patterns and where they stem from, then create new ones, I think are some great ways to self-improve that is natural for type 4's. Thank you Colton!
Thanks for sharing 🙌
Nailed it on the love language - words of affirmation and time best - a gift that is wrong is fodder for the me that’s misunderstood !😂
Thank you! These videos... damn. What a great gift to all of us who are looking to the enneagram as a tool to learn and grow. One thing I can say in response as a 4 -- Yes, we love it when people share their deep and vulnerable feelings with us, unless their deep and vulnerable feelings are about how we (4s) hurt them. Since we feel like misunderstood outcasts, this can feel super wounding, which of course sucks for our partners when we retreat. Something for 4s to keep in mind for those moments when you can either move towards and support, or run and hide. Again, Thanks!
🙌
Thank you for understanding, you truly know the heart of the matter. It's fascinating that you're a different type and yet you nail it so succinctly.
Thanks for this wonderful compliment 🙏 so glad the video resonated.
love your take on the love languages. I’m a 4. If you give me a gift I don’t like, omg I will judge you so bad. 😅, confirmation that you don’t know me confirms feelings of being misunderstood , reinforcing how lonely and unloveable I am, etc etc. A 1 friend who “accidentally on purpose” drops and breaks items that aren’t good enough, or bins or sends the offending article to the charity store, has helped me deal with this. My partner gave me some jewellery early on, it was nearly enough to make me want to break up with him. He obviously learnt, and doesn’t give me gifts these days, except he does give me quality time and appreciation. 👌 for me.
haha thanks for adding some real life material to the 4's love languages :)
OMG! This is spot on, thank you for creating this!
My pleasure, glad you enjoyed it!
Yeah, right on the money, bro. As a four-type, I realize I need to work on myself. And I'm finally making some connection as to why my last relationship didn't work and why people were frustrated at me in friendships. Thanks, man, for your help, and keep making excellent content.
My pleasure, and bravo for the humble self-reflection you're doing! People that are willing to put in the hard work (like you) are the reason I make this stuff.
You really hit the mark! Every word! I’ve never understood why those around me don’t appreciate how special I am! 😆 I love giving gifts, but it is close to impossible to give me a gift that goes over well! Thank-you for this insight into myself and what those around me go through!
Thanks so much, glad it was helpful!
thank you for making these videos. i understand myself and my loved ones better 🙏
Love hearing this! It's my pleasure to create 'em for folks like you.
Meu amigo, você acertou em tudo!
Inclusive na afirmação de que receber um presente que não tem nada a ver com o quatro, isso pode soar como um insulto. HAHAHAHAHA
Excelente trabalho, obrigado
Muito obrigado! Sempre bom ouvir esse tipo de elogio 🙌
As a 4, I find touch is a powerful love language for me. I even jokingly say to relative you can never overestimate the power of hug but you can underestimate it. Oh, and quality time is good too. As for words of affirmation, meh.
Thanks for sharing 🙏
Hey Colt, not sure you will remember me. I live in Thailand and we had a session a while back. I FINALLY figured out my type. I am a 4w3. I have been watching many videos (yours and others) and it’s so obvious I can’t believe I didn’t see it before. I just watched this video on relationships with a 4 and I HAD to forward it to my husband even before I finished watching it. I know he is going to feel extremely seen and validated by this. Thank you for putting out this content. So incredibly useful! Oh! And it’s a wonderful feeling to finally know my number 🎉 😃 🙌🏽
Hey Poncho! Of course I remember you :) So glad you found your type and that this video helped resolve the search! Best wishes on the continued journey of 4ness 🙌
Thank you for these videos, you did good!! 🖤
Thank you so much!
Your analysis on the final part is very accurate guess. I never had thought why l didn't like yo receive gifts and didn't like acts of services but that's so spot on. Besides that every single word in this video simply defines me ❤.
Glad it was an accurate watch!
I needed this today. Thanks.
I'm so glad to hear it 🙏 💜
Wow. I’ve been working with my therapist and this pretty much just wrapped it all in a bow. I agree with your assessment of love languages for a 4. Give me quality time because it feels authentic. The words of affirmation are good but can feel shallow if not backed up by a good cuddle and deep conversation.
Thanks for sharing your love languages - and glad this could be a nice supplement to therapy 🙏
I'm a 4 and I agree with what you said about love languages (among the rest of the video). When I was a teen, I had my family write something encouraging on a piece of fabric and turned them into a quilt. Now, when I'm in my feels, I can read those words and remember everyone taking the time to write them. It's like they are giving me a nostalgic hug. ❤
:) That's a sweet tangible way to lean into that love language.
4w5 here, scary accurate besides questioning ‘’monogamy’ super strict about that I need my love as concentrated as I can get it.
I love that you said 4s are some of your favorite people on the planet! I’m always saying that! As a fellow 1 I found myself wondering if other 1s felt the same way! ❤❤❤
They keep life interesting, that's for sure ;)
Your videos are excellent. I am a four with a three wing. I am 28 and have never been in a relationship romantically because of a lot of the traits that you have described. A mixture of fear of being truly seen and accepted for my sometimes messy emotions, and fantasy/creative life I live in my head, and my genuine love for being independent and in control and able to live in my fantasy world with no interruptions or judgment, a lot of it due to my childhood.. I realize more than ever recently, that in order to actually accomplish the goals that I am so passionate about in my life I actually have to take daily disciplined steps, and it’s so easy to fall out of that. The creative part of me overtakes the realistic part of me. So I’m working on that Lol.
I’m also, according to the national enneagram Institute, almost equally a type 8, as I am a type 4. So battling with my type four traits, I also struggle with trying to dominate situations and my desire to be a valued leader, particularly when it comes to my passion for human rights, but I feel like I’m actually on the healthier side of my 8 personality where I allow my own humanity to be seen just as much as my passion for helping others and I don’t feel like I need to control as much as leading with empathy knowledge and trust in myself. I feel like I can be a leader in that way. In a healthy way. My type four is where I struggle, but I have reached more and more towards being a healthy 4 over the past few years. And I definitely see myself in the three wings how I want to be successful and liked and seen as sophisticated. In my art specifically. As someone who is an actress and singer, and wants to be successful in it, and genuinely wants to be seen, and be proud of who I am, I constantly, and I mean constantly, am thinking about different celebrities that I admire, comparing myself to them, trying to find similar traits with myself to validate myself since I really do feel like there is always something wrong with me lol.
Your videos described everything perfectly, and it was almost like an out of body experience hearing myself described like that. Each time I learn more about my personality type, the more I understand it and I see the growth and I understand what I need to do to continue to grow. This stuff is so cool. I am really proud to be a four, I read that we are the rarest of personality types and I really believe that four is, typically artists, humanitarian, etc. help change the world, and I can’t think of anything better. Kind of the point of life, to know who you are, to reflect humanity, and be able to help others genuinely and authentically live life. To me, that’s the meaning of life. ❤
I liked your previous profile pic but I like this one as your channel header. I've watched every video in this series and I'm waiting for more
Thanks for watching! And for noticing the graphic design switch ups haha
@@YouveGotaType Lol yeah, I noticed it and went to your page from there. You're doing really well with this channel and I'm happy it's growing 🤎
@@ogeo.8966 Thanks so much 🙏 It's a labor of love for sure.
Just found your channel and this is so crazy accurate!
Glad you found it!
I laughed out loud so this is so accurate.
love hearing that!
Great video! I actually feel seen and appreciated with acts of service.A date jumping out to put gas in the car makes me swoon lol
Thanks! And appreciate ya sharing your love language insight.
Don’t forget people give what they most desire back. I lean on 2 tremendously. I have six brothers and five sisters. Over half are twos. I’m a four and they have taught me so much about considering others and making sure I help others at all costs. My personal journey also involves me needing to make sure I also help myself
Becoming so clear I will be alone forever. No one has time to go through even 1 season of a this 4.
Its awful being an empath, a 4, an INFP-T. I feel too much, and everyone leaves ones they are done with dumping all their pain.
Type four and acts of service is BIG for me and affirmations though I really don't know how to process the affirmations, but showing me love by doing things with or for me.. huge
Thanks for sharing 🙌
Well shit. Everything about me is a paradox. I might as well be two people.
Ohhh I laughed so much at this. This is so good.
Yesss glad to hear it bro!
Why was that so accurate for me lol I just took the test and I am blown away
Glad it was an accurate watch :)
My most needed love language depends on how I’m “feeling.” 😅 But, words of affirmation and acts of service most help me to get out of my lows.
haha makes sense
So agree! Dam how crazy accurate is this 😮
🙌
Words of affirmation in terms of responding to what a 4 is trying to communicate. There is nothing more loving than hearing that you have been understood. Personally, I'm acts of love. Service...as in bringing a coffee for me in the morning...helping me sort a tech issue...Those feel real. Words sometimes sound hollow...quality time yes...but not too much lol
Thanks for sharing, and makes sense ;)
I feel described in every angle
🙌
I’m a 4w5. It’s taken a lot of work to modulate the unbeneficial parts of 4…the “good” parts I’m learning to embrace. I’m thinking I’ll always be alone so that’s tough but I’ll be okay.
thank you. very helpful
Glad to hear it :)
Omg you have read me like a book. 😭🤣 sp/so 4w3, though I feel my 5 wing is growing each year. I’m currently in a relationship with an 8w9 sp and let me tell ya… it is really making me unlearn some unhealthy co-dependency and take more action than before. Also makes me feel lonely at times? Processing big emotions outwardly are sometimes not his thing, so that’s something I had to get used to. It’s nice to learn the good, the bad, and the ugly from each other and about ourselves. You live, you learn!!! 💜 Thank you for your informative videos!!!
Another thing-I can definitely see the disintegration into 2 by trying to people-please when things go south. And then integration into 1 during pivotal moments. When someone is angry, I automatically think-what’s wrong with me? How can I make it right? What do I need to do to fix this (and often think I need to change). When a big event happens, like when my mom got diagnosed with cancer, I felt I was the emotional lighthouse for people and could think straight through the fog of the news. I’d been the person to be with others during chemo treatments when I was younger, so I felt like I could better process the unknown and decipher things with other people. But I’m still working on giving this type of patience to myself.
Thank you for sharing all this personal experience as it relates to your 4ness! Albeit, some painful ones. I'm sure many other 4s will empathize with your journey. Although I don't know how many 4s will be paired with 8s haha that's a spicy couple ;)
@@YouveGotaType Thank you for giving all of us the opportunity to learn more about ourselves and each other! Truly helps!!! And 🤣🤣🤣 yes! Spicy combo 4 + 8!
@@YouveGotaTypeaha! So spicy! I’m sooo attracted to 8s (I’m an SX 4w3), and LET ME TELL YOU… it is intense. Lmao. Talk about butting heads and spicy in the bedroom 😅😅😅
@@katrinaaustinmancclpcc7275 SAME! AMEN!!! As a 4, I really try to contain myself and stay out of drama despite the stereotypes of most 4s-because I know I can come across emotionally intense. But I do articulate my emotions well. My bf is 8w9, so he’s not very verbal despite being quietly intense but man oh man… when he gets pissed off, there is a distinct aura. And then I’m over here trying to bubble my overflowing emotions. 😂 But at the end of the day, we can both talk openly about it, which I am glad about. Messes are fun (sometimes) and learning experiences! And VERY SPICY 🥵
my love language is definitely quality time and words of affirmation, nothing like a good conversation on a rainy afternoon with a cup of coffee ☕lol... plus looking out the window for a dramatic touch 🤣
Thanks for sharing :)
I’m a four and I felt called out 😂. In the best of ways of course
Glad to hear it 🙌
Hey!
I'm a Four. I went on a course about enneagram a loooong time ago, and I was taught that under stress, even tough I get oriented towards Two, I could still evolve if I focus to consciously embody the good qualities of a healthy Two. What's your take on that? For this particular case: could we, as Fours, somehow evolve towards Two?
good stuff bro! do you have a video on type 4 sexual and wing 3 ?
Thanks! Not one dedicated to that specifically, just the main type 4 overview that gets into wings & instincts here: ua-cam.com/video/V8H22OLdWwQ/v-deo.html
As a 4 I prefer acts of service for a love language 😊
🙌
Type 4 here. Ended my 6 year (+1 week) relationship last night because I wasn't being heard, seen, or understood. His love language is acts of service, and I just about cried when I heard that.
Phew that's a tough experience 🙏 Any guess what his type was?
@@YouveGotaType Thank you for replying. He's not the type to take tests 😂 I'm leaning toward 7 or 8. He's afraid of sadness and emotion and stays busy like a 7. He's stubborn, energetic (and busy), and passionate like an 8.
I only discovered my type recently. Learning about myself in this way is helping me make decisions and take control of my life to achieve the life I truly desire. Thank you very much for the video. It helped to open my eyes. I'm learning to be me all over again.
How is this possible that you’ve come to understand such a profound view?
Learning from much wiser people than myself.
@@YouveGotaType may I please ask who? I’m desperate to better understand myself and my experience of others. I’m one of 12 kids. Grew up in large family and desire so badly to better be there for them
So true. I would much rather date someone edgy aggressive etc than someone who has all that stuff lurking within them while they're picture perfect. I mean 3s can't help it so I actually like them and try to help them. It's the ESTJs man (my mother specifically) the fi inferior is maddening
Makes sense!
second " dart through the heart" accurate video in as many days... must subscribe then. thats done. re love languages, i love to give gifts. very well thought out hand created /curated things bespoke af etc. reflecting that one day that one time that thing you dig the most... that sort of thing and love to receive things as such. like an inside code or something. how predictably 4 of me...
I consistently test as a 5. So far I haven't been able to relate to descriptions of 5w4 or 5w6 very well. But I MUST have a 4 wing because I am emotional. And I recognize myself in some of this. However, that thing about the gifts....that's not me. As others have said, they hate Christmas. As a logical person who also hates Christmas, I actually gave it up for a long time. But it's not because people can't shop right for me. I'm grateful for anything. I just hate environmental waste, I dislike things that make no sense ideologically, and I'm sorry but I HATE shopping for people who are like the #4 as described here. Let's all just buy our own stuff and be happy.
I rather not get a gift or a card if it reflects the (often) tacky taste of the giver with no thought of my likes; it has nothing to do with ingratitude, it just shows that the giver never bothered to know me or, that the giver is so focused on his/her own self. That really upsets me because I feel like I am so unworthy , even non-existent, and the giver only wants to show how good or generous they are. I am an old woman and quite integrated, but that is still an issue with me. That is why I love the gifts and cards of children, they give out of their authentic self.
Absolutely brilliant!
Thanks so much, Michael!
Physical touch is first for me
Thanks for sharing!
Any advice for a 4 trying to ground themselves in the real world & feel a fulfilling sense of identity?
I've got advice at the end of the Type 4 Complete Guide here: ua-cam.com/video/V8H22OLdWwQ/v-deo.html
Have you checked that out yet?
The beginning was a little strange to me because my husband has always said I am low maintenance and not a hard person be in a relationship with. My guess it 4s aren’t for everyone and everyone just needs to find someone they are truly compatible with!
OR you're potentially not a 4. Many 9s mistype as 4s, and are often described as "low maintenance."
@@YouveGotaType I have watched a lot of 4 v 9 and really don’t resonate with a lot of the type 9.
Brb, sharing this with my husband 😅 (I'm a 4w3!)
haha hope he enjoys it 🙌
This video could have saved me $18000 in therapy, lmao
The enneagram is definitely a great supplement to *good* therapy! And I suppose, a short cut past bad/mediocre therapy ;)
Hi asking for a friend---
So are fours likely to never have successful romantic relationships? Get married? Have a life partner?
Did you watch the video?
I am so annoyed with being a 4 at times.
This is all too true. And personally, I think the same behaviors apply to relationships with work/career/school. At least for me it does. One day I'm in the perfect job, I feel great, two days later, I feel down and like I don't belong and question the whole thing.
I would agree with the whole 4s being the same at work (part of that inability to not be authentic). Although, 4w3s are a bit better at presenting a more polished side of themselves, especially if they're in leadership roles. Some wind up as serial entrepreneurs because of that whole hot/cold thing when it comes to their passions.
Yes, absolutely. I have been a serial job-hopper because, even though I may do well at a job, it ends up not feeling like I'm not fulfilling who I really am. I have been in leadership roles and put on the polished "hat" to be who I thought they needed me to be only to abandon the whole thing a year later.
I also am an artist (of course 😏) and definitely love when someone loves something I created. It's like they love a piece of my soul.
Wow. I feel like you peered inside my mind! This is what I’ve been struggling with for so long! Thank you.
What about 4w5 people?
What do you mean?
@@YouveGotaType Im an INTP I can get confused with my feelings as I don’t understand it
Instead of having your transitions reverse, if you allow them to fade, or snap out of them, I think the pacing would be snappier.
Also, this was excellent
Thanks so much! And ya lookin for some video editor work? ;)
@@YouveGotaType Ha, I'm totally unqualified to critique in any capacity (I've never touched video editing). It was just a note. I like your videos.
You nailed it. 🩵🩵 Thank you!! I’m a 4 and you’re right about the top 2 for me. I can never tell which one I appreciate the most. As I’ve healed and become a healthy 4, I appreciate all the gifts and acts of service. But when I’m unhealthy sometimes all the love languages never measure up for me. I’m expecting others to rescue me from my internal Hell. It all feels “not enough”. I appreciate the 4’s personal love language of intuition in those moments when I’m unhealthy. Being understood and seen is the biggest thing to help pull me through.
Thanks so much for sharing your personal experience and description of how these patterns play out in your personal life. Much appreciate, and so glad you enjoyed!
How does one rescue an enneagram 4 from their internal hell?
Thank you for the video🙂 and can you analyze robert greenes ennegram type 😃 i am fan of his works and i feel he is 4. 🙂
He certainly could be! Although I would expect a strong 5 wing in there if so. I don't know his work too well so that's just a superficial analysis of some of his interviews.
Thank you so much 👋
Is it just that I’m a four or does dating a 4 sound like the worst thing ever for anyone who’s not a 4?
I know this is a somewhat playful comment - which is all good - but I think 4s get hit with that joke a lot. In all earnestness, I would certainly say dating an immature 4 would be a rougher journey than other types... but healthy 4s (may be fewer of them walking around in their 20s), are an incredible muse, lover, and emotional support system. So definitely not the worst ;)
This was my fear at first too!! But as I’ve gotten healthier, I just realize I’m more for people who have “expensive taste” (i.e., definitely NOT for everyone… 😅 but said in a kind way lol).
My 20s were a nightmare for my ex to be with me. But he stood by me (he’s a 1w9). Once we grow and are able to recognize that we are NOT our emotions, our emotions are just waves that come and go, then we can show up in incredible ways for those we love. But it will be a forever battle for us (IMO).
I was a nightmare in my 20’s. But now that I’ve proven to myself that I am worthy, and I’ve got a much better handle on my emotions, I think I’m a fantastic catch and anyone would be super lucky to get to be with me.
We are the worst when unhealthy but that means we can also be the best when healthy ❤️ hehe that fits well with the intro of the video :)
Yup
We are unbelievably neurotic 😀
I think because I’m a “healthier” 4 I had trouble typing. Because I don’t relate to the unhealthy traits people usually focus on. I’m not wallowing in self pity. 😂
Hmmm interesting feedback. Even when healthy, the core struggles of 4ness (or whatever your type is) should resonate even if the specific unhealthy behaviors do not. Is that the case?
As far as acts of service not being a love language for us because we feel less than like we are being helped because we are incapable. This is wrong. We love acts of service and appreciate them, however we don’t need them because we will do them ourselves. And doing them for us is really nice, but it’s not how we feel loved. We need to be seen to feel loved.
It's not wrong, it's just one general perspective. Thanks for sharing your specific perspective. I'm speaking generally, not absolutely. There is no one size fits all for Type 4 love languages, so be careful speaking on behalf of all 4s.
How can someone make you 4s feel seen?
This was good especially as a 9 and I'm married to a 4 I realized I kept comparing trying to say she doesn't understand me or try to understand my enneagram like others so I'm self sabotage my relationship
I can't wait to watch the one on 9s
Glad it resonated 🙏
I am a 4 married to a 9 and I keep telling him he doesn’t understand me and I don’t understand him. He doesn’t talk as much as I would like, and he is more physical than I like.
I rather be emotionally connected. He just isn’t getting it.
@@Mrs.Milkins23 interesting 🤔 thank you for sharing my wife resonated with you
@@Mrs.Milkins23 maybe give it some time or I open up more after we watch a movie together or something I guess that's still physical so idk
1:38 2:42 4:11
This be relatable but i am e9 xd
4:27 FR
5:50 6:24 6:55
I feel like these are the unhealthy traits of an enneagram 4 . Yes i have a tendency to feel this way but i definitely dont choose to navigate my relationship this way
I clearly describe both healthy & less healthy traits of 4s. Hope you watched the full thing.
honestly could not really relate to most of this. I think its probably due to being an sp4, we tend to have more stable emotions (at least outwardly) so theres not any of those intense big shifts as often as you would see with the other two. That doesnt mean that those fluctuations in mood and self image doesnt happen, we just tend to keep it in more often and are much less likely to draw attention to them. The comparisons though, thats the one i do struggle with a ton
Whenever people say "I don't relate to most of this" it's usually because they've mistyped themselves. This is an aggregate of so many experienced enneagram teachers/theories and having a strong instinct doesn't mean you buck the whole intrinsic condition of 4ness. I'd suggest looking at the 6 or 5w4.
No trust me im a 4 i just dont think all fours are emotional wrecks like in this video
I don't say they're emotional wrecks, clearly you've missed the nuance of this video and of the type 4 personality type in general.
dont agree with the last point but. good overall
I'm a 5, my ex husband was a 4. What a HUGE mistake that was. I wish I had understood this better back then.
😬sounds like he was an *unhealthy 4. Important qualifier, otherwise it reads like a judgement of all 4s (albeit unintentional I'm sure).
@@YouveGotaType His greatest contempt for me was that I lived in my headspace and would give me a lot of grief for it. Even had an emotional affair despite the effort I tried putting in. By the end, I felt completely depleted. Perhaps that’s an unhealthy 4, or perhaps it was mildly narcissistic, but knowing about 4’s and 5’s now, it’s hard to understand how a 4 could ever be successfully happy with a 5. It’s like going for Spock hoping they’ll turn into Robin Williams.
@@thislittleweirdgirl332 I hear ya. However, I just have the belief that two healthy people of any enneagram type can make it work, which is where my response came from.
@@YouveGotaType I can appreciate that :)
Nooo I love acts of service but I need to be in control
Yes... but/however/sort of/... As you get older and more emotionally mature a 4 will realize reality is different than their ideal and can accept what they have.
Haha yes, "sort of." Very much determined by emotional maturity & inner work rather than age. Age can almost be a hinderance for 4s that aren't doing the work because their life becomes one big self-fulfilling prophecy.
@@YouveGotaType Traveling the world helped me realize there wasn't something more ideal out there. People and sunsets are beautiful in almost any location. If i had not lived a bohemian life traveling the world for years however i would feel trapped and hate my life. I feel very unique and different than everyone in my friend group because i've lived an entirely different life they then they have.
Uniquely gifted and defective
Comfort, stability, routine
To try to change my emotions is to try to fix my identity
Anchored in life NOT by partner
12:13 agree
Thanks for verifying ;)
could the feeling different just be due to autism and not being a 4
Hmmm depending on where on the spectrum of autism a person is, I think it can put a person on a totally different path than the enneagram can really assist with. It's just a holistically different perspective/experience of the "ego" which the enneagram is seeking to pick away at. All that to say, I have no idea ;)