I had a few very conservative, old-fashioned (ultra religious) foster parents who absolutely didn't want children to call adults first names and they also had younger biological and/or adopted kids who they didn't want hearing older kids call their parents by their first names. They were the only foster parents I had who were weird about the name thing. One of those foster parents I called the foster dad Mr Last Name because that really was how that relationship was. I called his wife her first name when she wasn't around or just avoided saying her name. I wasn't there long. The other placement I had that really didn't want kids to call adults their first name insisted that foster kids call them "Papa Nickname" and "Mamma Nickname". They were really obsessed with wanting to be parents and overzealous about it. The name thing is always rather awkward. It's the same when there's two kids in the home with the same name and you get either a nickname or some other name assigned to you.
My husband and I are getting a placement next week. And this has been a topic of conversation for us. I used to work at a pediatric clinic and there was a foster mom who would correct the children she had every time and say things like “no I’m mom.” It made me so uncomfortable, and the older kids seemed uncomfortable too.
Ive heard that before and i dont agree wit kids calling them mom and dad unless they are adopting.. I think it will cause alot of confusion for the kiddos
I have "four families." My biological Mom, My Foster Mom and Dad (not legal foster parents but for school I called them that, I referred to them in person by their first names), My Dutch Mom and Dad (who are now dead but I called them Mom and Dad as that was how Dad introduced himself, though Dad and I had to talk that through... I am glad and proud to have called them Mom and Dad!) And lastly my Pastor and his wife who graciously welcomed me into their family's home for 2 years and I called them by their first names! I have very specific ways of referring to each of these people and those who don't know me don't know how I keep it straight! Only one would be called My Mom and My Father , another just Mom and Dad , another My Foster Mom and Dad, the other my Pastor and his wife or by first names. So if you have foster kids watch how they refer about you as opposed to their biological family, it may seem small but it really is important! I have had another friend who's parents foster say one of their kids was as specific as I am, so I don't think it is abnormal.
Thank you so much. My bio son calls me Honey a good portion of the time, just because of his Dad saying it...maybe I should give that as an option, lol. I really appreciate your advice, we are in the late stages of the approval process and this is really helpful!
Hi Christy, this video makes you 3 out of 4 for responsiveness to my questions. Thank you so much! I've asked you in one of my earliest emails 'how to say, what to tell' about a new placement and this clearly is a fitting answer to that. Btw: I love you new rustique decor ;-)
Hi Christy I run a FosterCareTalk (FosterCareTalk.org) blog page and a Facebook and Twitter #FosterCareTalk and am in the earliest stages of trying to find like minded women that want to share with each other. I am trying to build a community of the Birth Parents, Kinship Carers and Foster Carers. Women that can build trusting relationships to help each other. I loved this video, very authentic (and I would know). I have been a carer for over 25+ years and I know where you are coming from. I will put a link to this video on my twitter page and hope that we can get more conversations started Regards RobynPS. Most of the kids I cared for found their own descriptions for me, at their own pace. Younger kids would walk in the door call me Mum. Older 7,8 and onwards would refer to me to their friends as 'my Robyn' (that happened a few times). Some, however feel they are being disloyal to their own Mums to call me Mum, much as they wanted to, because they were being nurtured, an that nurture was so real and so honest. Mum is not a possession (our kids are on loan to us) it is a feeling we offer to them. So, I am very happy to be called whatever they feel most comfortable with. On the subject of how to introduce a child to your friends; my method has always been: This is Rachel, her Mum Sarah is unwell, and I am helping her out by having Rachel stay with us for a while. This is the beginning of a relationship between biological Mum, the child and the foster care. It also sets a wider stage, for the wider community, that helping someone can stretch to taking their kids in for a bit. There is really no need to promote foster care, but there a need to promote the concept of 'it taking a village to raise a child'.This pretty much closes down further questions, like where are you from Rachel? People are a little less likely to intrude when they think a family is in distress. Sorry I went on an on about this. You may end up as a foil for one of my blogs. Thanks for your video I know it will help other families.
I'm a stepmom of 3 kids fir almost 10 years now, two of them live with their Dad and I full-time. All three of them call me by my first name yet think of me as a mother figure and we have a great relationship. Now that we will be fostering soon I'm curious how this will play into how the foster kids choose to address me. And if it will be different for my husband who is called Dad by the kids (teens) in our home. I'm fine with any foster child using my first name, or choosing to call me "mom" if that's what they prefer but I think that may even be more of an adjustment for me considering that I've never had that title despite of the role of a parent. Anyway, just some thoughts. I do also wonder about if we were to adopt and if my adopted children would have a hard time calling me mom since my step kids do not. I don't really worry about this but definitely have wondered about it. Thanks for the video :)
What a unique family you are growing :) Thank you for sharing. It will be interesting to see how it all shakes out and what everyone settles on in terms of what they call you!
Please don't make your kids call you mom. I had to call my foster parents "mom" and "dad". I got around it by never addressing anyone by name unless I had to. I didnt have a great relationship with my foster parents, needless to say. That home was closed to any other kids when I left. The next home was wonderful by comparison and my foster mother let me call her by her first name....and I probably would have loved to call her "mom" if my mother were not alive.
It is so important the recognize that kids calling people mom and dad who are not there mom and dad is a symptom of reactive attachment disorder. I would really encourage not to have foster children call foster parents mom and dad
I'm going to say let the kids lead because for some it could be a recognition of the h*ll the biological family put them through. There's so much to reactive attachment disorder that could be a lot of other things too, though I know RAD is serious and hard to deal with.
I had a few very conservative, old-fashioned (ultra religious) foster parents who absolutely didn't want children to call adults first names and they also had younger biological and/or adopted kids who they didn't want hearing older kids call their parents by their first names. They were the only foster parents I had who were weird about the name thing. One of those foster parents I called the foster dad Mr Last Name because that really was how that relationship was. I called his wife her first name when she wasn't around or just avoided saying her name. I wasn't there long. The other placement I had that really didn't want kids to call adults their first name insisted that foster kids call them "Papa Nickname" and "Mamma Nickname". They were really obsessed with wanting to be parents and overzealous about it. The name thing is always rather awkward. It's the same when there's two kids in the home with the same name and you get either a nickname or some other name assigned to you.
Thank you for sharing from your experiences! So helpful to get a glimpse and hopefully learn how to do better for our kids.
My husband and I are getting a placement next week. And this has been a topic of conversation for us.
I used to work at a pediatric clinic and there was a foster mom who would correct the children she had every time and say things like “no I’m mom.” It made me so uncomfortable, and the older kids seemed uncomfortable too.
Ew. That would make me uncomfortable too. It's not uncommon for little ones to call me "Mom," but I would *never* insist on that.
Ive heard that before and i dont agree wit kids calling them mom and dad unless they are adopting.. I think it will cause alot of confusion for the kiddos
I have "four families." My biological Mom, My Foster Mom and Dad (not legal foster parents but for school I called them that, I referred to them in person by their first names), My Dutch Mom and Dad (who are now dead but I called them Mom and Dad as that was how Dad introduced himself, though Dad and I had to talk that through... I am glad and proud to have called them Mom and Dad!) And lastly my Pastor and his wife who graciously welcomed me into their family's home for 2 years and I called them by their first names! I have very specific ways of referring to each of these people and those who don't know me don't know how I keep it straight! Only one would be called My Mom and My Father , another just Mom and Dad , another My Foster Mom and Dad, the other my Pastor and his wife or by first names. So if you have foster kids watch how they refer about you as opposed to their biological family, it may seem small but it really is important! I have had another friend who's parents foster say one of their kids was as specific as I am, so I don't think it is abnormal.
Thank you so much. My bio son calls me Honey a good portion of the time, just because of his Dad saying it...maybe I should give that as an option, lol. I really appreciate your advice, we are in the late stages of the approval process and this is really helpful!
Hi Christy, this video makes you 3 out of 4 for responsiveness to my questions. Thank you so much! I've asked you in one of my earliest emails 'how to say, what to tell' about a new placement and this clearly is a fitting answer to that. Btw: I love you new rustique decor ;-)
As a foster child for 17 years ..they should call u what they wanna
Agreed! As long as it's something respectful :)
I meant: youR new decor, but I certainly think we all love you too! :-)
Hi Christy I run a FosterCareTalk (FosterCareTalk.org) blog page and a Facebook and Twitter #FosterCareTalk and am in the earliest stages of trying to find like minded women that want to share with each other. I am trying to build a community of the Birth Parents, Kinship Carers and Foster Carers. Women that can build trusting relationships to help each other. I loved this video, very authentic (and I would know). I have been a carer for over 25+ years and I know where you are coming from. I will put a link to this video on my twitter page and hope that we can get more conversations started Regards RobynPS. Most of the kids I cared for found their own descriptions for me, at their own pace. Younger kids would walk in the door call me Mum. Older 7,8 and onwards would refer to me to their friends as 'my Robyn' (that happened a few times). Some, however feel they are being disloyal to their own Mums to call me Mum, much as they wanted to, because they were being nurtured, an that nurture was so real and so honest. Mum is not a possession (our kids are on loan to us) it is a feeling we offer to them. So, I am very happy to be called whatever they feel most comfortable with. On the subject of how to introduce a child to your friends; my method has always been: This is Rachel, her Mum Sarah is unwell, and I am helping her out by having Rachel stay with us for a while. This is the beginning of a relationship between biological Mum, the child and the foster care. It also sets a wider stage, for the wider community, that helping someone can stretch to taking their kids in for a bit. There is really no need to promote foster care, but there a need to promote the concept of 'it taking a village to raise a child'.This pretty much closes down further questions, like where are you from Rachel? People are a little less likely to intrude when they think a family is in distress. Sorry I went on an on about this. You may end up as a foil for one of my blogs. Thanks for your video I know it will help other families.
Hi Robyn! I look forward to learning more about FosterCareTalk! I LOVE anything that connects "the village." :) Thanks for chiming in!
I'm a stepmom of 3 kids fir almost 10 years now, two of them live with their Dad and I full-time. All three of them call me by my first name yet think of me as a mother figure and we have a great relationship. Now that we will be fostering soon I'm curious how this will play into how the foster kids choose to address me. And if it will be different for my husband who is called Dad by the kids (teens) in our home. I'm fine with any foster child using my first name, or choosing to call me "mom" if that's what they prefer but I think that may even be more of an adjustment for me considering that I've never had that title despite of the role of a parent. Anyway, just some thoughts. I do also wonder about if we were to adopt and if my adopted children would have a hard time calling me mom since my step kids do not. I don't really worry about this but definitely have wondered about it. Thanks for the video :)
What a unique family you are growing :) Thank you for sharing. It will be interesting to see how it all shakes out and what everyone settles on in terms of what they call you!
I would be ok with a child calling me by my first name, but I don't let any child call me by my first name without a handle on it.
Aunt Michelle
Please don't make your kids call you mom. I had to call my foster parents "mom" and "dad". I got around it by never addressing anyone by name unless I had to.
I didnt have a great relationship with my foster parents, needless to say. That home was closed to any other kids when I left. The next home was wonderful by comparison and my foster mother let me call her by her first name....and I probably would have loved to call her "mom" if my mother were not alive.
It is so important the recognize that kids calling people mom and dad who are not there mom and dad is a symptom of reactive attachment disorder. I would really encourage not to have foster children call foster parents mom and dad
I'm going to say let the kids lead because for some it could be a recognition of the h*ll the biological family put them through. There's so much to reactive attachment disorder that could be a lot of other things too, though I know RAD is serious and hard to deal with.
Certainly all who call their foster parents Mom/Dad can't be labeled as such...must have more "symptoms" for that...