Ep. 69 | 2 Bears, 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
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- Опубліковано 7 лют 2025
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Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer discuss FaceTime etiquette, Spanish history, Derek DelGaudio's "In & Of Itself," "ZeroZeroZero," "The Apology Line" podcast, the world's best pizza, and L.A.'s homelessness issue. They call wheelchair rugby player Mark Zupan and "Man v. Food" host Adam Richman to have them weigh in on some pressing issues.
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You guys need to give Brent a hilarious fake ad read. Guaranteed he doesn't figure it out until everyone is dying laughing
More people need to like this so we can make it happen. Great fucking idea. Maybe an ad for a Owen Grey anatomically correct doll....
Yes omgggg
Do it on a Manscaped pro-level nose picker.
I volunteer to make and maintain a functioning prank website domain if needed lol
@@blainebrown8824 just keep doing them all different stuff start at first making them sound real
Bert reminds me of when Micheal Scott burns his foot then brings in the guy in the wheel chair because “they’re the same” 🤣🤣
Same same
Lol literally watched that episode last night
“No don’t sent Dwight!”
“I like to wake up to the smell of crackling bacon, sue me!”
"No I didn't tell Jan you cooked your Foot."
Nobody:
Bert every episode: “we should call....”
Unplanned and expects mfs to answer😭😭😂
“I’m gonna FaceTime”.
I don’t even like it when my wife FaceTime’s me.
Remember when Bert said dumb people shouldn't read. Now look at him, balls deep in history. Lol
@@PRoy4991 lol. Ya. But he did mention reading up on that guy in SA also. He's starting to dip his toes in these "words without noises" things.
He is proving his point.
@@S1X_Bucks mm milkma
@@ElbowsUnique mmm
Mmmmmmm
Bert’s contact list in his phone never stops impressing me.
Snoop was the best one
Feels like a Drunk History episode every time Bart talks about something from the past
I've never heard someone use the term obsessed and know virtually nothing about the subject.
Take a drink everytime he mentions he's "obsessed".
Nice knowing you!
Half of the podcast was about joe's comment, which we have no idea what he said. lol.. wtf
The enthusiasm he has for the topic is so genuine but the amount of information his brain has absorbed is shocking. Big Golden Retriever energy.
Matt McCusker it’s all he does and that’s why we love him. Matt and Shane’s secret pod boys
Yeah really! Comparing people who protested/stormed the capital to Stalin?! For spending so much time in school, he sure is an idiot. Or maybe he is still trying to shake off that University brainwashing...
“Friday night is always pizza night, and I order enough so every night after is pizza night.”
I think this may be the smartest thing Bruce will ever say
My mom and us used to do that growing up. We'd order enough to have leftovers for a few days after
@@HaiBeast well you guys didnt "smash" the pizza if you had leftovers
@@HaiBeast no you didn’t
I am so jealous. I wish I had half the excitement for anything that Bert has for everything. He gets so excited about stuff its awesome.
“I don’t know what that means”... proceeds to pick his nose and ignore what is being taught
Listening to brent’s extravagant plans to lose weight trips me out because he really only has to stop eating and drinking like Peter Griffin 😂
100% and do something other than run on th treadmill since his body gets no real challenge from this.
but when he runs every night, Bart drinks two bottles of "healthy" wine...
@@brettcarpenter1448 I mean, it does have “Fit” in the name so it must help you become physically fit... so the more the better... that’s how these things work, right?
@@logand5292 I think you just cracked the code on how he justifies drinking a bottle of wine on the treadmill.
Everyone always talks about his alcoholism, but the real dark horse contender is the binge eating.
Bert is like a kid who grew up in a coma and is experiencing everything for the first time.
That was funny when Tom said it
Hilarious 😆 how
Well if u think about it , in a way, his party life with booze and food,was a coma in the sence that when ur body is recovering, It tends to feel like a mental fog that makes ur memory garbage and when u combine that with burt's impulsivity and intense energy, but then again if you factor in his micky mammel gene it's all adds up haha 😆
@@Squanch_00 I am in the same situation. It is actually amazing... as long as you can turn around in time. Sorta like Steve-O, Charlie Sheen, Ozzy Osborne...etc etc
and he also thinks that if he (Bert) hasn’t heard of or experienced something himself that everyone else in the world hasn’t either
This whole podcast is about Bert learning anything for the first time in his entire life.
I love it! I really did die laughing! TY
Or bad ideas that Bert has that Tom like ya that shouldn’t be a problem, ya do it. With a devious smile. Lol love it.
Who?.. Pizzarro?.. How come of he did all that I've never heard of him?
And calling people that don’t answer lol
@@dexraikkonen7 No i meant anything in general at all
Tom trying to teach Bert English:
Tom: "We have a whole vocabulary"
Bert: "Have you ever tried to pick your nose and push the booger further up your nose?"
When Tom said , “I mean we have a whole vocabulary”...I’m dead lmao
we are only two minutes in and bart is already trying to give a celebrity a call
Yeah watching Brent on his phone or telling someone to look something up isn't that entertaining.
And talking about running/exercising
Worse than Russell Peters
I think I have some sort of phone anxiety or something, hate watching people call others on podcasts.
Burt: "So FaceTime is pretty aggressive?"
Tom looks over and realizes Burts actually asking him a question
Tom: "Yeah!"
And then proceeds to hold his phone so damn close to his face, while picking his nose, it gets even more aggressive lol
“No one in America knew about pizza until the 50’s, search up when the first Taco Bell started”
“1962”
“Ok so pizza started in 1962”-burt cresslir
*Bort Chrysler*
“I’m not gonna have a WOMAN tell ME...” good start!!! 😂
AND SHES A RED HEAD?! FUCK THAT!
There’s days where I just can’t handle Brett’s urge to interrupt Tim’s train of thought
Right, especially when you are actually interested in what Tom is TRYING to say and BOOM it's gone. Drives me nuts sometimes, haha!
yeah it was super super bad this podcast, i love these dudes but burnt kimsher almost made me turn it off
Then don’t listen to it it’s been the same now for 69 episodes
@@elizabethmccleary7331 Yeah lots of comments how he's insufferable this episode, and Im like but theyre all like this?
@Daniel Drader thank you
I’m jealous of Bert’s level of excitement over a show. He seems to love life!
BERT.... walking on a treadmill while drinking wine doesn't count as running.
Yeah, that's still just walking.
Running on a treadmill while drinking wine does count as running though, since it's running.
@@Jonathan_Guice Totally , and it counts as drinking. I respect the.multi taking personally.
Wait he's not going for 2000miles of drinking in one year?
It doesn't?! Fuck!!
Seeing Bert learn big words and pick his nose is how to start the day
Umm and he ate the booger 33:23
@@RolandSpecialSauce I wouldn’t expect any less
Just when I thought Brent schooling Tim on Peruvian history was a douche move, Burnt starts yelling for Nadav to read his mind about pizza places in Rome
Been listening to Brice talk about losing weight for about 3 years now. He's worse than the women in my office on a permanent diet but never making a dent in the problem.
My favorite thing in the world is being mean as shit to fat people and then telling them I used to be fat when they call me out. It’s like what? You’re really going to tell me it can’t be done when I’m living prof in front of you???
@@snipz113 Wow you are not the only one who has lost a lot of weight (myself included) but why do some people still have to rub it into other people's faces. Just shut the f. up. You are not superior or better than someone else
@@snipz113 cool guy 🎸
@@snipz113 i bet ur fun at parties
Lol he's literally "better" than the people who dont lose weight and get healthier....thats how that works. If a I do ten more pull ups then I'm better than someone who did less. Thats how quantifying works
Mark zupan is such an awesome guy. Tom was feeling bad but zupan was not offended at all
I've literally watched all JRE eps pre spotify, and none after. Bert, I feel you!
Cookie? 🍪
I've given up like 3 times on Joe but he recently had The Undertaker, Freddie Gibbs and Dustin Porier on and they're decent
@@jasoncallow6151 where’s your podcast?
Yeah I love his podcast, I try and keep up on spotify but I've never used spotify before so it's kind of hard to keep up. The undertaker episode was awesome though!
same :/
How’d you skip over Bert saying “when you wake up and sit down to pee” 😂
🤣🤣🤣
I caught that too and was waiting for Timmy to call him on it. What a wasted opportunity.
I sit down to pee, I don’t see why it’s frowned upon. It’s more efficient than standing there and peeing.
@@CankleCankle for sure not more efficient, the energy to squat down and back up. You heard Bart say he can’t do it after working out, so obviously it’s harder than just standing there. The argument you’re looking for is about it being frowned upon, not efficiency
Came to the comments to find this.
Burnt krytsler is the only guy that works out 5 days a week and cant lose 10lbs
Well he buys like 5 pizzas from dominoes 5 from pizza hut, drinks wine on the treadmill and drinks koolaid instead of water soooo, input/output
Because its a lie...like most shit that comes out his mouth
@@hermessanchez7955 I don’t think he’s lying but he doesn’t eat or take care of himself well
@@CaptainFUTmerica well, they go hand in hand. If I drink a fifth on friday I'm not running saturday morning and I'm not a 50 year old overweight alcoholic with delusions of having a made up gene. He's either lying about how much he drinks and eats or about bow much he runs...safe to say which it is 😆
He lies a lot...
Bruce: "I'm zero for zero on facetimes" after trying TWO facetimes.
yeah those were both zeros
FaceTime without a text first is pretty aggressive.
Seriously. There was once someone that exclusively tried video calling me on Facebook every time even though it always got ignored. It's crazy people shit
Yeah I hate it all the time and dont even do it with my best friends who have seen me in all kinds of states (mentally and physically lol), I just don't like it for some reason. It feels like extra effort or something. Text or voice call me please....video calls need an appointment and plenty of notice. Its fine for catching up with friends/family who you never get to see, but why do you need to video call to ask if I'm going to the pub tomorrow or to talk about whats happened in the 36 hours since I saw you last.
Especially when you're in the bath.
Such an asshole move, of course Bert would do that
People are triggered by anything these days. Can't even take regular phone calls like adults
Bert “if I could catch a wolf I’d fuck it” Chrysler
Watch out Michelle
This one’s definitely top 5 of all time
BRUCE CHESTER
Bryce kractles?
He would get his face eaten off...
The episodes with Sickles, Dillon and Bobby Lee are nothing but a distant memory at this point.
I watch Sickle Cell's episode once every other week, no exaggeration.
sickler on here is maybe my favorite podcast ever
“I couldn’t stop laughing at the idea of a guy, just, could walk around but couldnt use the top of him.” Fair enough, Bruce. That is hilarious. 😂😂
Listening to Bart try to string a sentence together and getting all the facts wrong really makes my jeans all low and loose.
Bert's energy was off the charts today! Great Pod! Adam was amazing x 4!
Bert describing himself as a meathead is the most delusional thing I've heard in a while lmao
Everything he says is the most delusional shiiit I've ever heard.
I thought he was saying the voice in his head is such a meathead.
Yoooo Brent is so athletic he drinks wine on the treadmill. That is pure fitness dedication. If one glass of wine is good for your heart he has the most beast heart in the world!
@@tedthepoet That's what he said, people just love to hate
Roland - he truly is the weakest link - just a liar - fucked up thing is he steals other peoples lies...he’s worse than Carlos MenSTEALIA
Bert: “I don’t like idolising certain statements”
Also Bert: The hardest I ever laughed was (insert comedian’s bit)
Can’t wait to listen to Tom one day on this show
I like how Bert tells Zolo to look up something he can't even remember and gets mad when he gives him only like 2 slight clues and gets annoyed when he can't find it within 2 seconds
Listenin to bert try and tell either nadav or the new guy to look up something on youtube pisses me off so much like holy shit relax😂😂😂
Where’s Nadav??
@@Tha1leeG He's dead bro
@@Tha1leeG you dont know ?
@@Tha1leeG Garth got ahold of him. Where are the bodies Garth?
I had to walk out of my office I was laughing so hard about bert thinking he was paralyzed from the waist up 🤔
Burt: Goes on a rant about how books and history is biased, slanted in the favour of the ones writing it "And I do wonder if this is an original thought
Tony: just looks at camera and makes jim face
martin freeman face*
Bert thinks everything is some brilliant epiphany when really it's something everyone else figures out in like 6th grade. Haha.
“That girls not paraplegic, she’s just not moving”
She turns me into a telescope.
I need a podcast of just Tom telling stories about messing with his kids 😂
U up?
Does anyone else immediately fast forward the video as soon as Bert pulls out his phone to call someone?
Bert gets so excited about learning basic high school history facts.
Welcome to episode 69 boys
Nice
Nice
Nice
Nice
Nice
Lmao, dec. 11 I had an accident at work, I fell through a painted over fiberglass panel at a warehouse we bought to flip. Went 32ft. To concrete and broke my spine in 8 places and broke 6 ribs, collapsed a lung and had to embolize my spleen, and it knocked me out for half a day. When I heard about toms injury in the hospital I felt terrible bc I’m a huge fan, but won’t lie I was stoked to keep up with his recovery while I healed up, something to relate to while stuck in a chair all day 😂 felt like a contest. It’s been keeping me going and I’m getting back to walking around and feeling “normal”. Didn’t shit for 7 days in the hospital 😐 felt his ass there! Need to check these two off my live stand up checklist already
This podcast has become Burnt recites history he remembers incorrectly, for two hours.
Annoying.
Bert trying to explain historical events that he’s heard about is like Joey from friends talking about the one encyclopedia that he bought. Knows a little about a little
Hahaha. He dominated the letter V though
wait whos bert?
Never thought I’d say this but....I’m so with Bert on falling asleep to conversations I can’t understand. Tommy’s Spanish podcasts are the absolute BEST for this.
Love the show guys, but honestly, Burt talking about his workouts for over 30 minutes is neither high nor tight. Super boring. Tom really needs to dangle something shiny in front of him to lead him down a different path of discussion.
i agree, we get it- bert runs .. cool , move on
Agreed
hundred percent
This is true, but this podcast is so great because these guys are two comedians who are genuinely friends, Tom being interested and keeping up with Bert’s physical condition is interesting to me at least and pretty wholesome!
Praying to see my girl Jen Ann on this episode 🙏🏽
Lmao
It will be a while if it happens at all.
You mean Rachel...
I was so stoked when I saw that post the other day 🙏
@ScAnDeLeZ check out Bruce’s IG stories
18 years in college and Brent still doesn’t understand history.
To be fair, in 20 something years of being alive, i learned more about colonialism in my one semester of Spanish for native speakers class in my junior year of high school and John Leguizamo's latin history for morons than i ever did in highschool/college. He got pretty close to a real realization about history when he was talking about not being able to trust history books.
@@LuiBC3 exactly. Even today people blame whites for glabal slavery when it was the Spanish Portuguese and Africans that ran it all lmfao
Florida college tho
Does anybody else think it's hilarious that Bert feels like he's so well informed that if he hadn't heard of a thing then it must not be famous in any way
Dude lives in his own Bart made echo chamber.
Lol He kills me when he tries to talk about politics, but you can tell his only source was watching CNN for 20-30 min. 🤦🏼♂️
Bert definitely acts like a 12 year old who just discovered Wikipedia
that may come from insecurity from an event or person that traumatized him from childhood. be mindful, please
@@ahnikareavis2540 Oh He's fine, if Bert got called out in person he'd laugh and agree. Probably call himself broken because of it and go on without thinking twice on the comment.
Everybody appreciates your concern for their emotional well being, really. However I wasn't being insensitive, and I believe people are stronger than maybe you give them credit for. If what I said was cause for concern to somebody's mental state then that individual certainly wouldn't have made it this far in the pubic eye/internet existence game and because of that I wouldn't have used the language with them that I did when concerning Bert. :) again we all appreciate your concern but it is misplaced here.
Every time Bert has a fraction of an idea / thought he's like the super excited dog when his owner finally gets home
Facts and you know he even pisses on your rug
I bet Bert used to throw himself down the stairs when his parents weren’t giving him enough attention.
who's bert?
@@edmondmacadamattheschool4026 the fat racist one
@@brynziegeman4203 you mean Bort Chrysler?
@@brynziegeman4203 ohhh you mean Burnt?
@@edmondmacadamattheschool4026 ya I meant barf christmas
Outside of Bert's wife, the answer rate on these impromptu phone calls is about 5%.
Whoever confirms this is a legitimate god. Especially since the podcast is newish enough to go through the entire archive.
Nah, they get plenty of answers. Literally, this episode, the wheelchair dude answered. Almost every episode is a call with someone who answers.
@@wiggityp Plenty don't answer as well.
Tom: *Talking about difficult recovery from breaking entire body*
Bert: "One of my favorite things on the new iPhone..."
Jesus Christ bret, can you let Tim talk. jesus
This episode was rough for me. There was like half an hour where he didn’t stop talking and didn’t get out a single full thought without cutting himself off.
I’m so glad to see it wasn’t just me
Exactly!! And it’s every podcast too he just interrupts the world like he’s the funniest person alive and all it does is piss me off!
His constant "Lets Call" like goddamn man...
If you've listened to alot of Tom and bert apart and together you understand Tom is a well kept person and bert is very out going and talks more when he's nervous. They both are best friends and they have there own dynamic. When Tom, Bert or any of the guys COCO or Rogan or Ari they will speak its just how they vibe with each other. If you got out more and had a dynamic with friends you'd see people have certain dynamics with people.
The look in Bart's eyes when he says "every friday night is pizza night" is something primal.
When Brent sees a wolf he turns into a telescope.
🐺 Michelle can have that effect
Wolf job
Bert “Interrupts Tom to Lie” Kreischer
Tom should show up to an episode wearing a hair unit. Bert would freak out.
But it's not fake yo he just buzzed it didn't you hear the episode after 🤣🤣🤣
Wearing a hair unit? You mean grow his luscious locks out again?
Bart’s transition between badly recounting history and the Titans being the oldest NFL team gave me mental whiplash
That 15 minute diatribe by Bruce about the best pizza he's ever eaten was suuuuuuuuper worth it, definitely suuuuuuuuppppperrrrrrr funny. Oh and the dominos/pizza hut conversation was suuuuuuuuupppppperrrrrrrrr interesting.
💯 can’t believe Bert said the restaurant “Dar Poeta” in Rome. This is my FAVORITE pizzeria ever... and they make the best calzones too.
Im planning on going to Rome sometime soon. I'll mark that down brother
Turns out he was talking about Tonda, though.
The fact that Bert has no idea that FaceTimes are intrusive is the most Bert thing ever
I really appreciate and understand Tom's vagueness when recommending In & Of Itself to Bert.
Brent: I’m hella paranoid about the covid
also Bart: two knuckles deep in his nose
And doesn't bathe-- lets the covid marinate on his body for its full life cycle
@@sativarosegold3604 😂
Bert doesn’t realize that he’s actually obsessed with the word obsessed not these random topics and he must’ve just learned how to FaceTime.
He's not obsessed with anything really he just speaks in hyper hyperbole. He says obsessed but then shows he knows very little about the subject matter.
Dude I'm OBSESSED with how they make traditional slovenian sausages
Im OBSESSED with Olympic curling lately
I never hated on bert before, i always felt he got too attacked and i felt bad. I still like bert, ajd I'd never talk shit just because it's cool to.
But fuck man he says some things that bother me and i wonder if he's super phony. There's the little annoying thimgs like him being 'obsessed" or just saying super high school girl type shit... But then there's things that are almost dark. Like when he told the.story about being a good parent because he listened to his daughter and wasn't a dick so he made his daughters give him validation for doing what he should do anyway. Like everything has to be about him.
Another thing that bugs me on Billbert,..bill and the guest will have a good conversation about something for a while then Bert chimes in and is talking about the last thing he was talking about 45min earlier. Basically ignored the 45min of their conversation and was quietly thinking about what he wanted to say the whole time, bringing the.conversation to a halt.
Normally the amount of times Bruce interrupts Tim doesn’t phase me but this episode got to me
Bert should not be allowed to talk politics.. sometimes I can't believe he's paid to speak for a living lol. And he is one of my favorite comics!
God loves dummies and drunks...He's got both going for him
Can't stop thinking about Bruce trying to run 2000 miles, paralyzed from the waist up.
Oh shit 😂😂😂😂😂😂🤘🤘
Lmaooo
You know what Bert loves? Saying the word love.
Tim: I hurt my knee so bad I couldn’t move it all day
Bart: WOW imagine that was me?
Keep being you bud
Bert basically reinvented Drunk History this episode.
Yeah Brent does it right. Learn it drunk then tell it sober
Bert about subtitles: "Am I gonna have to read this?"
Bert finding out it's based on a book: "I can read this!?"
Bert looks like a guy on the beach who asks your wife, "Hey, ever been on a sailboat?"
read that in his voice. Lol
But he pronounces it as “sealboat”
Then pulls up to the pier with an aluminum outboard motor
uh-hundred percent Bart has used that line, he's from Florida
Anyone else notice Tom's patience for Brunt's stupidity wear thin in this podcast? lol
After having to be patient for a few dozen episodes worth of Burnt talking, it would wear thin on the best of us.
He just accepts that theres no getting through to him, the best he can do is hope to hear some wild and stupid shit and get a laugh out of it cause god knows he wont get to share any of his own opinions
That moment you listen to Barto talk about history you studied in Venezuela and Butcher names and facts, never thought it would happen in a hundred years. :')
Barto! Well played!
"that girls not paraplegic, she's just not moving." 😂😂😂😂😂😂
Bert's interruptions are making me physically pissed off.
He is the fucking worst.
Bert “interrupts Tom to Lie”Kreischer
Every time Tom tries to talk...Bert: "BY THE WAY!"
He has absolutely ruined this podcast for me, it sucks
His wheeze laughter whenever he's avoiding a subject or trying to make something funny is actually annoying tbh
I literally couldn't sit still at some points when he kept interrupting
Thanks for the recommendation. "In and of itself" was really captivating and I really needed to watch that today.
But what does it mean?
Watching Bert coming to reality and realize history books are written with bias and saying it’s a “new thought” for him has made my week
How long until Brent realizes all he has to do to lose weight is not eat and drink like John Daly every day?
He’ll never realize it
A gallon of kool aid a day isn’t good for weight loss?
His diet is also terrible beyond the drinking and he’s almost 50.
@@tvsmarkfrancis its sugar free so there's barely any calories so yeah it actually is good for weight loss.
It’s too late he’s never going to get his weight lower than what it is now - at least for a sustainable time. He’s too old and not ready for any commitment whatsoever lol
In And Of Itself is absolutely brilliant. So glad Tom shouted it out
I feel bad for everyone who gave their number to Bert
Lmao 🤣 opposed to the other way around like its supposed to be when ur famous
Bert finally understanding the saying: History is written by the victor.
i came here to write that exact comment.
Take a shot every time Bret says pizza
Jesus, Bert's speech and train of thought sounded like he was having a non-stop stroke throughout the entire podcast.
What else is new
Its actually getting hard to listen to his wild ass train of thought
@@curly_bucko5060 right... I considered turning the episode off. It's getting worse!
First time here?
He's a good guy though
Wow this podcast really should be named “Bart talks at Todd for an hour”
It's Tom
@@FrothiTheMan it's Tim actually
Pretty sure it's Troy
@@FrothiTheMan thought it was Tristan
that whole thing with the browns was like the late 90s. much more than “a few years ago” 😂
We gotta stop trying to call people on air, it’s almost never worth it lmao. Also Tom’s gotta try to steer the convo a little more, really losing the novelty of Brent going on tangents.
Im so glad Im not the only one
i disagree i love when they call people
I still haven't grown tired of it 😂 but fair to say I supoose
My IQ goes down when Bernt goes on a rant
We...lol
So many tangents i dont think a single thought was finished all the way thru
"I gotta be honest with you; I'm having a hard time with the whole Spotify thing" - Burnt Chrysler.
You're not alone there, buddy.
"I was hungover that one time" that's everyday my man!
Bert "I'm into history but also clueless" Kreischer
Wait... at 21:00 did Bert just admit that he sits down to pee...? 😂
Hahah holy shit!
This podcast has turned into Bert telling the most obvious facts and stories that most people if they know any information about the topic already know and roll there eyes at, “Houston Titans” immediately know he has know idea what he’s talking about