Ep. 75 | 2 Bears, 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
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- Опубліковано 7 лют 2025
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In today's show, Bert breaks out his Gucci handbag to reveal all of his favorite "sleepy time/wakey time" treats. After that, Bert shares his tips on how to properly deal with your first DUI as they watch arrest videos of Johnny Damon and Reese Witherspoon. Next, Tom and Bert reminisce about when a couple love scenes they acted in got a little out of control. Lastly, they talk about the recent waves of "Cancel Culture" and how Bert has no problem having fun with gay guys.
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I can never get enough of Tom looking into the camera and smiling, after Bert says something amazing lol
Amazing? Or completely tok’d?
@@vance9090 Amazing as in tok'd. Just like how cool guys are...well, cool *guitar solo*
It's the best
Yeah he's Jim Halpert
Uhhundred percent
“Oh there’s rocks in here! .....I collected them.”
Bert is 7 and I love him
I thought he meant crack.
@@joanncaribbeanfan4505 he did say the bag was ALL drugs so, fair
I wish Bert would talk more. Maybe someday he will get comfortable enough to open up and talk about himself a little bit
All he does is talk what do you mean
@@DGchase I was being sarcastic. Yes, Bert has absolutely no problem saying every single thought that crosses his mind onto the mic. He finds himself endlessly fascinating. I like Bert though it doesn’t actually bother me as it does so many other 2 Bears fans.
Chase Bollman: This guy gets it
@@TheOrlandoTrustfull he made me look like quite the fool
@@DGchase lol 240+ people got the joke!!!!!😂
bert perpetually has the energy of a kid that just got back from summer camp and needs to tell his parents everything right now
Hes also the type to be from a whole other planet and still be like “uh my planet is way better than yours uh-hundred-percent better”
Nadav: is googling: slow as shit Nadav: is grabbing edibles: fast as shit
I hope he finds it
That's why they keep him around
Nadav; is having a shit:.....
@@Eviticus-Maximus I also read it in song, but multiple times trying to match words with nadav is googling 😂
very perceptive
So wholesome when Tom goes “ It’s fun to watch you enjoy a treat “ when Bert eats the chocolate candies.
“Bert could definitely be talked in to switching Governments” Joey Diaz
😂😂😂😂
Bert is a pretty dumb individual...
Lol
@@car-ls8uc Fun Fact: Intelligent people are more likely to be in and are more susceptible to the persuasion of cults.
@@DweeD1516 the original quote was, I think, in context insinuating that bert could be convinced into doing gay stuff. nothing about actual governments/cults lol
Berry telling his kids he is dead and loves them while tim laughs maniacally in the background. Clip that for his actual funeral
Getting too high then having to drink to compensate for being too high is the most i've ever related to bert
I'm the opposite; if I get too drunk I have to smoke to even out. It all depends on your home base.
any time i mix the two it just amplifies both
'evening out' downers with even more downers lmao
I usually do cocaine to even out
You’re all right. Lol
“I don’t want to be married to her if she can’t take a few punches from a cop” 54:14
- Burp twiceler dropping wisdom about what one ought to value in a life partner
"is she in a wheelchair in real life?"
bert: "no, no- no- no- she's beautiful"
🤣 like why are they mutually exclusive?!
Glad u caught that too💀😂
He doesnt talk about a female without the caveat "shes butifoo"
I love Bert's child like honesty
@@AgendaInMind I’m literally so excited that this wild ass comment is a reply to my comment!
Bert like 5 months ago: We should be dandys
Bert now: I’d never wear a suit...
Bert always: talking absolute shite
Only kids think changing your mind is weak
Tbf so is jumping to extremes like bert does
Strong humans can change their mind, children will say shit without thinking and then massively flip flop on the issue without even thinking
Anyone else think that Bert would react the same way to literally any piece of chocolate or candy you handed him?
you could hand him a dried turd and get the same reaction
I think it's like feeding the ducks, he'll peck and anything if you say it's a treat
Uuuh hundred percent
I feel like the word “treat” is what really does it.
Its a staged ad
Honestly this may have been the best episode I’ve seen yet lmfao. I laughed so hard the entire time holy shit
took 75 episodes for Tom to figure out candy shuts Bart up. wow
Took my mom 3 years so
And it’s still taken you longer to figure out nobody gives a shit
He had to focus on tryin to open the wrapper
@@phalspar “best podcast in mankind” stfu
@@phalspar you gave enough of a shit to post a shitty comment about it. Plenty of weekly comments in here about Bert shutting up if you don't like comments don't read them.
Calling Jared was Bert’s best phone call idea.
It's cool that Bobby Lee and Santino let Tom and Bert have their show back.
I would have liked them to have brought Rudy back with them
Theyre good friends 😉👍🏼
@@albertgarcia9273 no that’s steebee and jeremiah.
@@HeCticCaNine how dare you. lol
Dream podcast would have Santino replace bert 🤷♂️
The way Bert reacted to getting a treat was amaze.
Bernt has a “woman’s” fanny pack, which he uses to store his “Miss Grass”, which are pre-rolls targeted for women... what a progressive
damn i had no idea there was such a thing, i thought a pre-roll was just a pre-roll lol
@@brittv420 I thought the same. Then I looked up the brand, and realized how heavily they market it to women
S
with like 0 remorse and 1% embarrassed ... it is what it is
Naaah he just buys them cause he doesn't want women to have things to themselves. Patriarch n shit
I turn into a telescope when Bert is saying something and it cuts to Tom staring at the camera with a smirk on his face.
Bert is literally the human personification of the bear that tried to kill him for a marshmallow.
The bear was possessed and the spirit was passed on through the mouth.
I was late to the party
That story was actually a parable he constructed where created the character of "the bear" as a device to dissociate himself from his own behavior that even he can't abide and he casts himself in the role of "the victim" in this case to illustrate how he's his own worst enemy, in fact, the primary threat to his own existence and only motivated by marshmallows and pussy (his wife, in this case, who came to his rescue).
@@Opine_Divine God damn, I want you to interpret all of his bits to me like a preacher for the Church of Bert. We are all but cogs in the One True Machine. May we be blessed with treats.
@@BryceLK Peace be with you. *makes the sign of the cross and anoints you with Tito's Vodka*
Bert being proud of what to do in the event of a DUI is the most Two Bears thing ever.
"Not nightly, but not 'not' nightly." - Bert
“You have to be prepared to drink and drive." Brought to you by bud seltzer
That "It's a treat" followed by Bert rumbling was great. Pavlov would be proud.
Bert's voice became so serious when Tom started giving him treats
I love how “this would be a great sponsor” is Bart code for... “I’m tired of paying for this and want it for free now even though I’m a millionaire” lol
His laziness knows no bounds.
If you think he's aware of how much money it costs.... You're tok'd. LeeAnne makes it quite clear he doesn't know dick about their house. Let alone his finances.
@@adrenaholly9624 that's ok. He's rich. He's got people to deal with the details like those.
@@popedizzled_mywizzle exactly! He just likes sharing products. Like aggressively. 🤣
Well it works because I just shared that clip with our marketing team and Lowell's will now be sponsoring 2B1C lmao
Brett struggling to open the child proof packages for his edibles was amazing.
Bert: i have something important to say, i can't be distracted.
Also Bert: candy...
“I’ve seen you drink wine like it’s Gatorade” 😂
Bret in his casket will be shirtless, gold chain, hat, and a bottle of Tito’s snuggled into his arm.
Don't forget the gold President
Titos would discontinue the brand because the main source of revenue was dead.
When bert says he kicked a woman in the chest in his dream. I imagine it like charlie murphy kicking Rick james in his chest on that dave chappelle skit. 😂🤣
bert is pretty much a real life homer simpson.
Goddamn you nailed it!
Bert is hilarious with the whole "Go ahead and tase Leanne" hahahah
Who else when Bert said “oh I have rocks in here” thought no fucking way this dude just dumped out some crack rocks😂😂
First thought. Then it was real rocks and I lost it
I thought he meant moonrocks, given the context
I definitely thought crack, but laughed even harder to find out it was real rocks.
@@LordxSilas Fr😭😭
I knew it was just earth rocks cause he collects em but I didn't think he'd put them right next to GLASS!!??
I love how confidently Bert talks about something he doesn't understand at all
Take a shot everytime Bert says “signature cocktail”
You'd have enough shots to fill one of Bert's kool aide bottles
Bert saying he would tell the cop to shoot LeeAnne made me fucking crack up.
Bert has a Fanny pack of weed but doesn’t smoke a lot 🤣🤣
I always laugh so hard, when mid convo when they’re talking Tom goes “yeah” and Bert responds like an excited kid with a slightly louder “YEAH!”
Brent and Tim are repping Christine’s “tribe” today. Remember, healing takes time, and this ain’t Amazon prime. Have a good Monday my kings and Queens above 18, the King loves you. We up outta here!
Her “tribe”? :0
@@imjustapancake3188 Literally anything Eastern European. Eastern Block, if you will. She’s Hungarian, but her tribe is any neighboring country, apparently.
@@zmitchell15 I’ve had ENOUGH of this kind of foolishness. Every single episode it’s “eastern blocker- this” “that’s my tribe- that” “that’s my kind of people-blah blah”. How many times is she going to complain about her heritage but relate everything to it?! It’s insaaaane
I’ll see you in May!
@@bigloudandnoisy3601 they're commiefornians, what did you expect
I can't say it enough of how much I love Bert and Tom. I can't see them live cause I'm a single Dad but man these two guys are dudes I'd dig a hole in the desert for. They make me happier than anything.
Nadav laughing in the background makes me so happy every time ❤️
Did you catch when he laughed so hard he started coughing 😂😂
I like it too but think they add it in after
@@livinglife1089 you think? Idk cause it seems like you never know what he’s going to go off about ya know?? He’ll cut up at times that u wouldn’t expect I feel
@@chukkalow4 excellent 😂
@@livinglife1089 don’t crush my dreams with this thought, hahaha.
"If you're watching this im dead now" I omost spit out my drink.
Burnt: "I wish I could give me teeth a break."
Tim: *literally stops everything to give Bart the WORST food for his dental crisis*
Keep things high and tight chomos! 👖
I love that Bart has literally no filter and says the first thing that pops in is head when he’s about to talk 😂😂😂.
“I’m not just there to stain my teeth” Burnt Chrysler 😂😂😂😂😂😂
That was a classic line.
The Bears having alfajores and conitos Havanna?! My Argentinian pride is through the roof!
I love the experiments Tom runs with Bert lol
Mommies!!! PLEASE DO MORE OF THE WEEEED TIME!! This was by far my favorite episode, especially after I had 2 edibles and am currently… enjoying myself 😊
We've finally figured out how to get Brunt to stop talking. Give him treats.
54:25 Berrrrt!!! Daamn your the MACHINE!!!!! Love you Bro👊🏽
Tom handing burnt the chocolate candy reminds me of Dwight in the office being trained to have a mint when Jim shuts his computer off lmao
Hehe burnt
I really hope this is what Tom is doing.
THIS WAS THE BEST EPISODE SO FAR IN THE WHOLE SERIES 😂😂😂 I couldn’t stop laughing, in my car. Had to pull over cause the tears kept falling out
Bruce 'please don't spike me' kerscher crushing up THC to sprinkle on CBD and then not telling people? Wild.
We need a montage of Bert enjoying treats bc it is completely wholesome and pure.
" I started unwrappening it..."
- Bert
Bert admitted to lacing gummy bears with edibles and giving it to people and yet somehow managed to take a jab at ari for his dosing in the same episode 😂 big brain
Mdma vs Mary Jane, totally comparable. I mean, one could literally kill you, and one gets you hungry. But what does anyone know right?
@@Jesusluvz the principle's the same though - drugging people without them knowing ain't ok
@@tomdowley3688 yeah, but that’s like comparing what bill cosby did to what Bert did. One was evil, and could cause irreparable damage, and let’s be honest, weed cannot. Both not okay, yea, but what ari did was about a thousand levels worse.
@@Jesusluvz oh yeh ffair i completely agree - just wanted to make sure people weren't saying that the weed one was not a problem
I immediately assumed Brunt was just misremebering Matt Damon's name when they brought up Johnny.
Lmao same
Bart planning how to accept a DUI with grace instead of just planning to get a ride is just a great example of how tok'd he truly is
If Bart's kids get into partying they're so set. Dad gets Titos sent to the house for free, has fanny packs full of drugs that we doesn't know what's in it or where it came from, and high end drinks with the push of a button in the kitchen.
I was thinking all that too. They better not leave for the weekend. And leave the kids home.
georgia and ayla both getting a train run on while bertyboi kneels in the background to 'empower basketball-americans' because he's a brainwashed commiefornian
@@janpavel1441 Keep hating on California, while we pay for your states welfare debts with our taxes. Your tiktokd state has no economic value
@@ShadySKWASHA Bold of you to assume that I'm from Martshartistan in the first place lmao. Now come on, give me that overly predictable jingoistic spiel about how every country outside of the USA is third world.
I wasn't trying to be ironic or judgemental here... I'm legitimately jealous of the opportunities his kids will have. Former liquor cabinet thieves of this planet raise your hands!
This was a banger of an episode.
From Bert carrying rocks in his fanny pack to his class on how to get a DUI in style... A+
I think Leeanne telling tom he's gonna get super fat was her jedi mind trick to make Tom actually get in very good shape. Tommy is looking super slim!
I think she assumed he would do what Bert would do in his situation.
It’s just his left arm that’s skinny. It messes with your mind.
Hot!!!
If by super slim you mean not obese then yeah
interesting theory
Bert eating treats might be my favorite thing. I wish I could enjoy things to a 10/10 like Bert does.
“Murdering Morons” has me rollin
The way Bert's face lights up at those treats!! 😂🤣
"Growing up in Florida you did not do drugs" is the least Florida thing I've ever heard.
Should’ve shown the Shia Lebouf DUI video, that’s literally the best
Toms multiple nightly edibles are Bert levels of indulgence.
Hang on. These edibles arent that strong. 4 hours and its wearing off?
7:10 bart talks about pulling an Ari, then casually changes subject 😂
Brett "I'm like a god damned barracuda" Chistmas
Brutus knows he can't shut up so he admits immediately to the dui 🤣
A small wave of depression hits at the end of these. I NEED MY BEARS
Thats when i turn to BAD FRIENDS
@@uwotm Ive been watching them more, but they just aren't the bears
This episode has some solid gold quotes and one-liners
Bert looks like the WAAAY-to-serious Little League Dad. "You drop a ball one more time, Timmy, it's nothing but crusts and water at the Hut!"
never seen bert so quiet when tom gave him the chocolate
Ep.75: Fancy Tracksuits and Man Purses
Tommy gave Bert a treat and he *literally* made the same noise as Homer Simpson right before eating a donut.
Nothing is better than tims silent facial judgement
2 Bears is the greatest thing ever, forget all other podcasts, TV shows, movies this is entertainment at it's finest
I look forward to Mondays because of this
NO SHIT!
Tom saying the words "That's some real dankie sh!t there man"
made me smile so much
😁💨
FINALLY, something to watch while I wait for bad friends to come out
Respek
Bert is my spirit animal.
Drug mule.
Look at bert man, so inspirational
Just amazing bro
Lol sober Bert thinking he could handle a dui.
So great of Bert to walk us through his continuing sobriety.
Brent having a treat epiphany: “I started ‘unwrapening’ it and everything...”
What about dressing like a Dandy?? Been waiting for that!
Finally...I'm obsessed with this whole franchise 🔥💯🔥
Hey guys, I missed it. Did Leann say “let’s have a signature cocktail”?
Honestly the best show yet, thanks Tim & Bart.
The real reason Barf likes that track suit is because he finally found a new piece of clothing that he can fit in. He got tired of wearing pregnant lady pants.
“hey man shut your door pop pop pop pop pop pop pop” 😂😂😂😂
" It's always better when the wife goes - You want to get down with a vice real quick? -FINALLY I LIKE YOU!" man this hit hard always wish my ex-wife smoked weed and drank beers with me
Bert: "I'm not just there to stain my teeth, I'm there for the buzz"
The main reason I watch the podcast is to see Tom’s face after Bert says something wild/problematic. 😳😏
As an Argentine I’m so proud to see them enjoying our sweets. Vamos carajo ! 🇦🇷🇦🇷
*IDEA* have Tom drive you to a precinct after you’ve obviously been drinking and have them take your mug shot photo.
Or just have your "mugshot photo" taken in studio.
Bert needs to listen to Tom's First 48 bit for DUI advice. "Lawyer up! You cant handle it. You think you can talk your way out of it...you're doing 25 to life"