Enneagram: Don't Waste Your Energy Pursuing People Who Can't Love You
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- Опубліковано 20 жов 2024
- Transformational Enneagram & Relationship Coaching
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Dr. Tom LaHue is a graduate of Florida Christian College. He holds 3 Master's Degrees including an MDiv from Liberty Univ. His Doctoral degree is from Grace College and Seminary. He is also a certified Marriage Coach. He and his wife Traci have been married since 1991. They are the proud parents of 5 children and 5 grandchildren.
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As a 5w4, I let go of people easily. My sadness is short-lived compared to the frustration of selling something that no one wants to buy. I only connect with those that deeply appreciate me and vice versa. I try my best to give generously (despite my vigilance to my precious energy). However, if I quickly sense if I’m not with the right audience, I will take a step back and move towards those that appreciate what I have to offer. I really try to remind this to others that it’s a waste time on obvious black holes. Thanks for addressing this topic! Love freely, but respect yourself and what you need back. Love is in abundance, but be wise! Life is too short! You deserve to be nourished back! Never take it personally ;) Big hug to all Enneagram types out there!
Do you also let go easily of the people you once connected with?
@@dzbura I hate to admit, but I’m loyal only if it works for both of us. I’m usually the one to bring up issues. If the needle doesn’t move with some heartfelt talks, I regretfully need to let go and move forward to new connections. I don’t feel good tolerating a connection when both parties aren’t putting in the energy. Don’t get me wrong. I believe in history and commitment. But, if they aren’t growing with you and the relationship is no longer mutually enjoyable or enriching, I will propose for some time for space to figure out what’s best for both of us. These are almost always friendships. I believe in loving and enjoying people, but not unhealthy attachments. Connections can change and we can change with it. :) Caring for loved ones doesn’t necessarily mean staying stuck. Letting go doesn’t necessarily mean a lack of love or care or all in my book. Sorry for the long answer! Hope that helps! It’s just one 5w4 thoughts. ;)
same here I'm 5w6 and I also never get interested in someone who's not interested on me as well!
Interesting, 4w5 here and I have a very hard time letting people go. I am curious on how 4w5s and 5w4s are similar and different. If anyone knows any info on that, please let me know.
Very helpful from a 2 perspective! Thanks
WOW! Thank you!
9w1 probably a pillow with no boundaries
Thank you for the honesty ! Very helpful!
Dr. Tom i have been ATTACKED! Always love your videos and I’m sitting here with my jaw dropped as I take notes lol.
Thanks
How do I send this to my annoying 2 neighbor without sending it to her? -a tired 5w4
this video is a must watch for enneagram 2s.. sometimes it's painful to watch them go so out of their ways to please others who don't even care
I like the Four Agreements. Every person has a movie theater, and you are just a bit actor in the movie they are starring in. As a Nine, I tend to want to include everyone. As I have gotten older, I have matured to the point where I can see people running their own program, or script. Mostly I can accept without taking it personal, that some people aren't for me. In a cliquey, "you are just a random" society, it is healthiest if I can just hold my own space. It actually can attract people sometimes, if they can see that you are complete sitting by yourself.
That is really cool :)
I agree...really cool!
Yes sir 100%
Agreed as a 9, especially the last sentence. However, I then get into trouble maintaining my boundaries once they are attracted while we figure out what kind of connection we actually have, still working on it :-)
The 5th-one is the most important of all..😁🤩😉🤭😏
Ground Control to Dr. Tom! Really helpful….It is interesting how often people ignore, disregard, or use other people’s energy. As a 4 with a strong 5 wing, I will heed these lessons to “conserve” myself.
Oh snap, "when you start fighting for a life of joy not everyone is going to be ready to follow you." I needed this talk. I want people to come along! But a minority of people are not interested, and some just take a minute to warm up. Joy is scary.
31:40 omg, I'm a fricken pillow! 😱😭
Me too 🥺🥺🥺
Thank you Enneagram preacher
I'm 5w6 I'm single unfortunately but I'm surrounded by family and friends who can't go anywhere without me, we go in the bar they drunk a lot laughing and dancing while I'm setting in the conner watching them and bring them home safe, we go for a hiking adventure they go inside the tunnel I wait outside
just incase they don't come out on time I can ask for help, we go swimming I mean they go I stay on shore watching them just incase if there's a shark I can warn them or call for help if they need 🤣🤣🤣🤣 I'm the certified watcher last weekend its rock climbing it was very exciting and fun guest what I did?
still watching!
The world needs watchers too !
As a two I need to be ok with surface level friendship. It’s so counterintuitive 😩
Type 5 here!....GREAT message plucked right out of the type 5 mind!
lolololllll!....I was JUST THINKING THIS MORNING...while cleaning up the house...about a person I met maybe 6 to 8 months ago...who I initially thought could be potential friend material...but thinking, at this point, "meh...I think maybe not"...and YES! I am SO in AGREEMENT that pretense and/or remaining in denial is a complete waste of time.
There's a cute little song by The White Stripes with the lyrics "I can tell that we are gonna be friends" which I found myself singing as I cleaned, except with a slight change in the words - "I can tell that we're not gonna be friends" :)
...and truly, It's not any big deal. It's just a recognition of the reality....and the sooner we can identify the reality of our relationships the better off we all are!
@Vladimir Putin Yo Vlad! Not a huge fan! :) I'm a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma.
I'm also an INFJ...and INFJ's that are enneagram 5's are rare too.
But remember....This is not talking...it's typing. I prefer this to talking as only those who want to read it will read it...and those who don't will move on, and I can "say it" once with the potential for it to reach multiple people = No wasted energy.
@Vladimir Putin Are you saying you think I'm bullshitting myself because I want to be special? ...or just making a statement about people in general?
FYI, I don't feel there's anything "special" about being an INFJ enneagram 5. Just "unusual"...and I believe there are unusual real-life reasons for it that have nothing to do with being "special"....or at least no more "special" than everyone else. We're all ultimately unique beings.
As a seven I feel you brother when you said you have so much love to give. It’s like it’s never enough haha but I always say to myself it’s their loss that they don’t want it 😙
4w5 here. Also something of a truther or conspiracy theorist. Constantly evaluating whether or not to open up to people. Even if I don't believe in the conspiracy or whatever, just opening the conversation is mostly unwanted and met with a lack of seriousness
Most can't handle having the enneagram brought up to them. Most aren't willing to take the time to learn about themselves or have a unique experience through it or talking about it. They don't care to. Hurts to even bring it up. Hurts to think about how it hurts
I’m 4w5 too and I hear you. Finding people who want any kind of depth or complexity in their interactions is so damn hard sometimes.
@@alisonschmitt9533 like Robert Johnson said, all my loves in vain!
@@Jeff-zx6rt
Thank you for this post As a 70 yr old One this is really helpful. I would say that Ones figure this out pretty early. We tend to be traditional and still want a relationship with our parents even if we are not the fav or even close to it.
It is really hard for me comprehend why people can’t see or know when people are not equally invested in developing a healthy relationship. I’m 73 years old and have never what one would call a mean full relationship with other person. I loved my work and interact with others on job skill level. Yes I’m married but my husband is a introvert and likes his quite time. So I have my space and do what I like. It nice to know that I was given a gift to be able to disconnect with people but still help them when it appropriate. 5/4.
Thank you ! Will listen to this daily until it soaks in.
Thank you. Very helpful.
Man, you are so on point w all this stuff. I’m a 9 but this is legit.
Gosh dang this video title hit me out of nowhere.
My girlfriend broke up with me a few days ago, and my fantasies have since more or less exclusively consisted of ways we would get back together. It is a really hard word of wisdom to apply sometimes.
Thank you for sharing that! Out of curiosity, what is your Myers Briggs type?
Dear Johnny,
That was absolutely beautiful....absolutely beautiful!
🙏🌷😘💪🥰💝
Hello, I’m a 2w3, SX/ SP and I’m so glad I found your channel. You explain the enneagram so well.
That pillow statement, is very powerful. I have unfortunately been a pillow 🥺🥺🥺 and I am a Therapist 😭😭😭😩
Omg, I have so many Aunt Ruth’s in my family and definitely do not look to them for anything.
I am a 2w3 as well. I actually have a sister Ruth but others in my life. I am still working on good boundaries.
@@agrundy99 me too, omg!!!! It’s hard
9w8 Sx/So here. First of all thanks for sharing Anthony's wisdom and your own with us. Couldn't have been better timed as I just got ghosted by a friend who initiated conversations with me for hours a day but didn't want anything too "intense." I tend to be so emotionally honest it can be intimidating for those who are not the right people. Glad he went away because only during this period did I realize how exhausting this relationship was for me. And probably him. The grief is centered around 9 separation and 8 betrayal. I am definitely that background friend but now I can see it for what it is and go from there. If we talk again it cannot be for hours a day because I can only play in casual So land for a brief time.
9 wing 8 here too...I can relate
9w1 here. Same boat. Cannot do casual lol
Amen to the jello ball! I’m a five and I relate to this so much!
39:00 I really appreciate you making this vid. The 5's POV of other POV's is so valuable.
The part at 30:24 totally reminds me of my sister in regards to our relationship. I 'm a type 5....and yes, I have decent boundaries at this point in my life (maybe not when I was younger because I didn't even know what boundaries were nor did I feel any such thing was "allowed") I used to be certain my sister was a type two, but I now think it's possible she's a type 3 with a strong 2 wing. She's also an ESTP to my INFJ (100% reversed cognitive function stack) and we JUST DON'T MESH and I JUST CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE. I can be perfectly fine not being "for" her...and I hope at some point she will learn to be fine not being "for" me....I can't even begin to tell you how much energy has been wasted on both sides of the equation due to the "idea" that we should "fix" things....It's kinda sad actually that it took us (me so far) so long to figure out that nothing needs to be "fixed". We're just not "for" each other!
@Rose Dreamsinger That sounds very healthy to me. For some reason I've always felt a lot of pressure to have a certain kind of relationship with my siblings (My mom is an ISFJ and "from another time" and she just wants to see everyone getting along regardless of what kind of contortionist act is required.
What you describe above is more like the relationship I have with my half brother (different mom!) ...mutual respect...but 11 years between us....just different lives....but there is love there...and it doesn't hurt that he's an ENTJ (shares a decent level of Ni with me)
I'm pretty sure what's up between my sister and I goes beyond the MBTI differences....but maybe it's a big part (?)
By the way, THANK YOU for this message! I feel so VALIDATED!
I'm a 5w4 and this is all completely accurate.
Thanks Tom for this honest talk!
PLEASE give the original author credit for her beautiful essay
essay:
This Year Let Go Of The People Who Aren’t Ready To Love You
(By Brianna Wiest)
Its sad that in todays society selfishness is such a norm. Which in turn leads to not being loved.
Is there a balance before looking out for #1 and being considerate of others?
“Along comes Mary” made me smile a little. . .
Because most people are lovers. It’s the people who won’t relate are the fucked up ones
Will you make a video about the process of becoming an enneagram coach?
Thank you for all the valuable wisdom, insights(that were so needed) freely shared! appreciate them so much and I thank God for Wonderful Counsels given through this video!
It’s hurts bc it’s true!
As a past disintegrated 3, my 1 calls me his goldfish 🐠
Also, I enjoy Grandma’s impersonation.
As an 854 tritype, I let go of people easily. As an INFJ, I move on very quickly. Ni dom tend to move on to fulfill their Ni dom dream. We live between the present and our future . The past is not important , except for its lessons. So it is a 2days-1week . Then total joy of working on the dream .
Im a 4 married to a 5. They are so wise. 😍 my 5 so much 🧡🧡
28:48 this is so funny 😂😂😂
Heeheehee so it is 5/6 here and I dont'care about all that junk right now happening outside..it's soooo stupid that indeed it can become more tgen boring..Lets' it happen..no fights wished..😁🤩😂☺😚🥰👏👏👏😄
agghh as a 2w1 this hurts cuz ive chased and chased my husband because i could save him and ive been put through hell that i should of never have been going through but my mimd was set on but i can save him. agghh. now all i can think is does he love me or is he just with me for convenience now so he isnt alone. i don’t feel as i would be the one he chose in a line up of others if that was a thing. i really needed to hear this so i greatly appreciate this!!
Could you link the speech from Anthony Hopkins in the description box?
Why is everything said in terms of it being your fault. “You must let go of the people who can’t love you”. Interpretation…. If you have people in your life who “arent prepared to love you” that’s your fault
A more compassionate way of saying this is “try to find people who want to or are capable of loving you”.
I’m SO tired of this BLAME GAME
Ever seen a toddler holding onto someone's leg while screaming , "let me go".... some people just keep going back for more rejection. It isn't blaming. It is recognizing that WE need to make the decision to seek out people who love us as we are.... not passively waiting for other people to change who they are just because we wish they would treat us better.
I love maintaining my boundaries and have a strong sense of where mine are. But wow do other people not respect boundaries at all unless there are consequences. Not punishment, consequences.
This is so much me, good or bad. I did not speak to my own mother not because i was mad at her but she didn't like my statement. So she did not call me so i did not call her. Not because i was mad at her but i did not want to waste time and energy on this an respect her for her choices. Sad but true. I exclude people that do not listen to want a relationship
Amen!! 😄
I’m an 8. Does this ring totally true to me because I’m unhealthy and headed toward 5? Most areas of life I think I’m healthy. Relationally NOT!!!
As an 8 as well, the 5 characteristics show up - especially letting go of people and things - but its more if distancing or seperation not abandonment - because you feel your friend/partner abandoned YOU and its your response- it doesnt necessarily reflect degeneration into an unhealthy state ... i dont know if that makes sense ...
When is 8?
4w5 here ! “People are Prickly”
I enjoyed this so much A great reminder that I sometimes forget!!!🤍