17 Ugly Psychology Truths No One Wants To Admit - Adam Lane Smith
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- Опубліковано 14 сер 2024
- Adam Lane Smith is a psychotherapist and an author.
Adam has helped thousands of patients and couples to deal with problems from childhood, their relationships and their sex lives. He also writes amazing Twitter threads filled with insights from his time as a therapist and today we get to go through some of my favourites.
Expect to learn why having sex with a man on the first date won't make him fall in love with you, why it shouldn't be a surprise to most men when their partner divorces them, the psychological effect of relying on daycare for newborn babies, why men don't understand how female communication works, whether love or respect is more important in a relationship and much more...
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#psychology #relationships #mindset
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00:00 Should Women Have Sex on the First Date?
07:06 People Who Are Obsessed with Politics are Messy & Unhappy
11:16 The Danger of Avoiding Uncomfortable Conversations
17:36 How Our Relationships Are Being Systematically Destroyed
24:18 Both Men & Women Hate the Dating Scene
30:49 The Key to Protecting Your Marriage from Divorce
34:36 Why Men Are Demonised in Marriage Therapy
41:21 The Disadvantages of Sending Your Baby to Daycare
47:01 Most Men Don’t Understand Female Communication
52:10 The Difference in Perspectives of Past Romantic History
57:41 Do Men Want Respect More Than Love?
1:01:06 The World Doesn’t Want Men to Have Any Power
1:12:33 If You Love Your Children, You’d Let them See Your Separated Partner
1:16:19 Why Nice Guys Finish Last
1:22:17 Where to Find Adam
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Hello you beauties. Access all episodes 10 hours earlier than UA-cam by Subscribing on Spotify - spoti.fi/2LSimPn or Apple Podcasts - apple.co/2MNqIgw. Here’s the timestamps:
00:00 Should Women Have Sex on the First Date?
07:06 People Who Are Obsessed with Politics are Messy & Unhappy
11:16 The Danger of Avoiding Uncomfortable Conversations
17:36 How Our Relationships Are Being Systematically Destroyed
24:18 Both Men & Women Hate the Dating Scene
30:49 The Key to Protecting Your Marriage from Divorce
34:36 Why Men Are Demonised in Marriage Therapy
41:21 The Disadvantages of Sending Your Baby to Daycare
47:01 Most Men Don’t Understand Female Communication
52:10 The Difference in Perspectives of Past Romantic History
57:41 Do Men Want Respect More Than Love?
1:01:06 The World Doesn’t Want Men to Have Any Power
1:12:33 If You Love Your Children, You’d Let them See Your Separated Partner
1:16:19 Why Nice Guys Finish Last
1:22:17 Where to Find Adam
Beauties?
8:34 don't worry they will not gender transition ur kids . Or take you kids if you miss gender them . Let them do politics you just care about you family
"Propaganda during the Nazi era told people to focus solely on their families, leading to horrors beyond imagination. While our context is different, the idea of being silent and only caring about our own lives bears resemblance.
Drawing a parallel to history is about learning from the past to prevent harm in the present. Just as we look back at atrocities and wonder how society allowed them, we must evaluate current practices with the same scrutiny.
In history, government-approved medical practices caused immense suffering. Forced sterilizations, lobotomies, and the Tuskegee Syphilis Study were atrocities justified by misguided 'greater good' claims. These were practices that were deemed acceptable at the time but are now seen as horrific and unethical.
When we confront the issue of forcibly transitioning children and medical procedures that can lead to sterilization, we're invoking the past to emphasize the importance of vigilance. It's crucial to recognize that by avoiding these discussions for fear of offending, we risk overlooking potential harm.
Speaking out against perceived wrongs, regardless of sensitivities, is how society evolves and prevents repeating past horrors. Our intent is to highlight the need for open dialogue, ethical considerations, and safeguarding children's well-being above all else."
Great convo! The U.S. and west implemented the former soviet union model for divorce and child care after the cultural revolution. It's been a disaster!
Too Many Intruptive Commercials 😢
I just take note of politics to see what bad or good things are coming and I keep it to myself.
One word - Outstanding. As a psychotherapist working with couples this nailed so much of what I see in the therapy room. We need more of these conversations, when we heal relationships we heal the family, when we heal the family we heal the village, when we heal the village we heal the world. I am a fairly regular viewer of MW this has to be the best podcast so far. Bravo guys.
😂😂😂
AGREED‼️ I’m a licensed couples therapist and I LIVE for this work! It’s absolutely needed. We must improve our relationships to have a meaningful, joy filled life. This guy is GOLD!👌🏽🙌🏽❤️
This is what is needed true but I think it's idealism in the real world problems of poverty content competing and the lack of a philosophy that Gidding culture. We live in a culture that is a cult of the self is it not wise if once bitten twice shy. I have a hard time finding lasting love in a culture that can't see beyond the self. Are we doomed as a culture if Chang soon?
When my supervisor mentioned her 11-year-old daughter hasn't wanted to see her father since he made some inappropriate comments about a trans person in public, this was what I brought up. At 11, she doesn't understand that she's actually establishing a pattern of avoidance, not that she's standing up for her "values." She's too inexperienced with relationships to weigh the long-term harm of "ghosting" a parent, relative, friend, neighbor, coworker, etc. vs. "distancing" from them. My point to my supervisor was that, as parents, we need to opportunize scenarios like her daughter's conflict with her father to teach them effective conflict management. Imagine this 11-year-old girl going into her teenage years with the experience of learning to confront ethical conflicts with adults without escalating the conflict? That kid would go into the hardest years of her youth with the ability to ground herself separate from her disagreements with other people.
Adam was great but Chris' culture war takes really distract from the episode. His whole "men vs women" shtick is really getting old. He sounds like he watched Fresh and Fit or Andrew Tate or something
As a person that HAS dealt with a lot, the only difference between being a victim and having been victimized in the past is taking the reigns of what you do have control over.
It doesn't matter that I was traumatized as a 3 year old and have my entire formative years with a broken psyche. I am a 30 year old man and need to "man up" and "dig deep." There's no guarantees here either, I might just fall short and be treated as societal detritus but getting a shot is all anyone can get. Some of us get infinige chances with incredible advantages and some of us are born with gigantic handicaps. The only way I've been able to cope with it is thinking "wouldn't it be cool if against all odds, I made it?" People don't love a talented person that destroys competition. They love an underdog that wins by the skin of their teeth. Maybe just maybe, if I win, I could be that underdog.
Just keep winning every day, laugh at your challenges, enjoy the burn and grow however slowly, enjoy the day. Good luck to you my friend
Love it, good luck and keep grinding👑
You have already WON. Congrats 🙏🏾
Good lad! You are already taking it one day at a time, if you remove the comparison with others, you would have truly won at this game we're all playing.
Just told my husband he is a wonderful husband and noble and I respect him. Loved this ❤️
My girl just gets mad, you're husband is very lucky
On behave of the male sex: thank you
Thank you. Men dont get compliments much. Especially one that really matters. If I randomly got a text from my wife/girl that she massively respects me and how noble I was. I would be blown away. So again I thank you for his sake.
Did he believed you or said "i dont hace money"? Lol
Yes.
This is your external validation for doing this.
Respect is like cocaine to a man.
"There is no toxic masculinity. There is masculinity or the lack of masculinity."
Using this line from now on! I've had many conversations where I used a lot more words to try and say this.
true, also women can be total kunts sometimes too @@kc6810
@@kc6810 same for women though too i guess, so i guess that isnt gender specific
@@tzc9309exactly! There is no such thing as toxic masculinity.... only toxic people and some are male and some are female.
Are you saying masculinity is a toxic trait period. That’s the literal interpretation of your statement. Anything is toxic over a certain dose. Every heard of waterboarding or obesity. Masculinity is a relative notion in any case you can act as bold as you like but if a woman slights you or god forbid knock you down your masculinity evaporates.
@@petershelton7367saying that toxic is toxic, wether masculine or feminine. There are only toxic people and sometimes they are male and sometimes female.
Lack of masculinity in a male is also toxic, just as lack of femininity in a female is toxic.
Just sent a text to my husband letting him know how much I respect him. Adam always gives such great advice
You've shown that you are a keeper. A lovable woman.
If you weren't, be specific about why you respect him. He'll appreciate ever more your demonstration of respect.
I wish you and your husband a fulfilling life 🙂
@@taylor_tony thank you! I was specific and I try to remember this, as I've heard Adam say it before but it's nice to get a reminder
@@kc6810Just ask him "Have I ever told you how much I respect you?"
I say it's weird as well. It's something that should transpire from your actions and attitude. Saying it out loud sounds like you did something or thought in a way that could be the contrary of that respect.
@@vladrileynavilys Absolutely not. Imagine a man gettin' grumpy when his woman/wife's tryna ask him how much he loves her, then grumpily giving the "manly" answer of "Already told You that five years ago, didn't I?" - it is important to be said out loud. They don't do it and still ask themselves why their men are so miserable in their relationships/their company .....
This episode gave me the words I needed to be able to share something with my wife that I haven’t been able to. Thank you.
I wasn't obsessed with politics, but literally a week ago it clicked that since my breakup, I've had a stream of nihilism underneath my entire being. Lost a 5 year relationship with someone I still loved very much, was denied from 200 job applications, and haven't been able to get a date in over a year. It suddenly clicked that I was hostage to my sense of doom about global/governmental/corporate/modern dating junk and it was likely sabotaging everything. I am aiming up and believing for good things again and meditating and tell these things to myself, however wistful and naive it sounds, it makes me a far better person to be around and I doubt it'll be long until I break this dateless streak and other areas get back on track.
glad to hear your keeping your chin up, goodluck.
I bet you will feel better to go hiking and be in nature-- to focus on what is lasting and keeps growing rather than the world of ideas.
And if you think that today's politics are somehow different - look at the 1964 LBJ/Goldwater election. Nothing has changed.
I was put in daycare very young and I know that that is the reason why I struggle with anxiety and depression. Later, my dad abandoned the family when I was in my tweens so that added to it. I don’t have any friends except my husband. I’m very lonely. I have four kids and I was thinking lately how a damaged person like myself could raise secure children. I listened to another attachment therapist on UA-cam and she said people with disorganized attachment should give their children the childhood they wanted. I have already done that. Im a stay at home mom (never worked while I had children), a breastfed (my mom didn’t. She always thought it was gross), and now Im homeschooling them and am building a deeper relationship with them. I hope and believe that because of those choices, my kids will have secure attachments and be able to bond and have close relationships.
My mom was a cycle-breaker too. I enjoy the good brain chemistry she worked to give me but never got to enjoy herself. ❤ I have learned there are ways to re train your oxytocin response from early environments of deprivation. There's a book called 'the chemistry of connection' that's helpful.
By far one of my favourite guest ever on a podcast overall. Adam, you are a legend 🫡
His coaching is worth of every penny.
That alley comment was ridiculous. He's part of the problem for men.
@@b4zz3d59you got a time stamp? I might have missed it
I do not remember that part but am curious to know why that agitated so many. Could somebody explain? @@b4zz3d59
Followed his account
The daycare aspect discussed here is huge. Social/demographic disparity in what the mother (& father) can financially provide to allow for this early bond is key. The social effects of this disparity are far reaching & very complicated. Thank you both for this comprehensive conversation.
It won't change a thing unless nobody's having kids anymore. People do already not have kids in numbers they used to, while it's still alot and too many for things to change fundamentally. Even Japan, a society quickly marching towards real extinction given the current birth rates does not have the balls to change things fundamentally.
The day care issue is HUGE. It would be great if women would close their legs to anyone who wasn't their husband and if they only married men willing to support them and their children. This used to be the norm. Since the deviation and push to have all mothers working, childhood has been completely changed and the quality of adult we see is tragically different.
I’ve worked in daycares and preschools (including for children with special needs), and while many services do their best; we tend to other people's children as though they are our own, We are not these children’s parents and there is no sufficient substitute for them. The first 5 years of a human life determine a huge percentage of how that being will develop, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, etc. On all levels and in so many ways that will affect them for life. The way they value and perceive themselves, their relationship attachment
Styles, learning styles, and so forth. It's horrendous that the US doesn't allow parents more maternal and paternal
Leave.
100%
Chris, please keep having Adam on your show. These are my favorite episodes.
Adam and Chris together are fucking BEASTS.
This guy gives me fake experts vibes. Lots of approximations and generalisations. "People do this, people think that.." I dont know, i might have the wrong impression.
@@vladrileynavilys there are no absolutes when dealing with human behavior, but there certainly are valid generalizations.. that's where stereotypes come from.
I stopped internet dating a long time ago because the endless parade of awful dates made me start, not only feeling bad about myself, but even more feeling bad about men. I didn’t want to have that inside me. I’d rather just be alone.
I feel the same way on dating apps. I dont fulfill the "666" rule so why botber. Plus I cant take a good picture of myself to save my life. I too stay away from them because they give me really negative opinions about women. Which I know deep down are not true.
sorry to hear it, but also understandable. best of luck offline dating :P .
I don't think it's about saying precisely the words "I respect you" but instead just treating the man with respect.
Could it also be a matter that the respect shown is sincere? Traditionalism may have begun on the basis of sincere respect and truth (in fact, I know that is its Christian basis), but degenerated into insincere flattery. This sick doctrine depended on the idea that men's "fragile egos" needed the ego strokes of _flattery,_ and the wise _(manipulative!!!)_ woman knew how to give it to them. God never intended it to be like that, yet this stuff was held up as the conservative ideal! If you want to know what God thinks of flattery and flatterers, the Bible has plenty to say about them! And I could never understand what a man could find so gratifying about making sure he was getting his fair share of flattery. I think it would have been soul crushing to know that the best you could expect was lies, calculated to get on your good side, to get the flatterer what she wanted. "The ideal Christian marriage": grrrr-rrrr...
This "conservatuve spokeswoman" with a radio program about marriage used to say, 'Girls, we know we're the ones who make things run, but we've got to make the man feel like he's the one...' "After all, he's just a man." Yikes! Since when did truth die, and make lies God?
No! A good marriage is based on truth, with true love, appreciation and sincere respect. Don't settle for the ugly, lying guile of flattery. You want and need the real thing.
This is one of the best psychologist interviews I've ever seen. Very much realistic and balanced between red pill and feminism.
I dont know another guest that has come on 4 times, because he was so good. Im a big fan of adam and i hope you keep having him on.
I understand that relationships and closeness with your family brings joy but there’s also the thing about family bringing a lot of pain.
As a mother & HR Manager, my post-birth 2022 work experience was:
- 6 weeks 100% paid (govt-guaranteed w/a corp. employer)
- 6 weeks 100% paid (mostly guaranteed w/ F500 company employer)
- 4 weeks vacation (saved from the previous year)
- 4 weeks 75% pay (after obtaining specialists' notes for extra time - most ppl don't have access to these doctors)
- 2 weeks unpaid
Ultimately, I was laid off within 6 weeks of returning to work. Although I don't regret prioritizing my son for 5 months (I had read the study he referred to about babies), the process was difficult. If I hadn't taken that time off, I might not have been laid off. My situation is better than most women's due to my means.
But i mean looking at this outside the scope of women's rights and purely from an economic standpoint. there are a lot of layoffs right now, and we are in a recession off the back of covid. Many companies may just be looking to cut staff right now too, and at the time period you mentioned. So as a singular example given the current time/economic period we are in, this may have had an influence on the outcome (not necessarily speaking historically here). Also in a business environment work doesn't stop needing to get done, that is the unfortunate reality. Cannot have multiple members of necessary staff missing and the business suffer - the aim of a business is to make money at the end of the day not compensate for the workers personal life choices. Like essentially getting paid for 5 months without working is not a bad situation by any means, but you are right in saying that is probably a lot better than most. A woman should have every right to spend time with their children, should companies have to compensate for this for longer than a few months? If so what is a good cut off point, and is it justifiable to expect this from a business? What if people then have children irresponsibly knowing this? What becomes the situation for smaller companies who really cannot afford to do such a thing? Is it morally correct to expect someone else to compensate for your own choices? Etc etc. I think the answer is it is already a pretty good situation to get paid for not working for an extended period of time, plus many women are able to continue working at the same companies.
HR is a joke. Worthless waste of time.
You were laid off because your productivity went down?
@@eduardoguizarperez8417They framed it as a “restructure of my role,” so they added certain responsibilities that changed the job itself so then that meant the role I was in was no longer available. I was laid off right after returning and asked about productivity/performance and was told that it was not that. I’m not entirely sure what to believe but life moves on & many layoffs were happening at that time.
@@tzc9309governments pay (or should) to the employers for the maternity leave, it's not employer's money. I do accept that it may be a cost to the employer to organise a substitute, but that's minor in comparison.
Shockingly on point for everything I’m going through and seeing in many. Though all I can hear is Agent Smith saying “it is purpose that created us, purpose that connects us, purpose that pulls us, that guides us, that drives us; it’s purpose that defines, purpose that binds us.”
Thats wishfull thinking. Our existence has absolutely no purpose. Not saying you cant give existence a purpose.
Denying a child contact with the other parent is "Relational Aggression". It is about hurting the other parent.
This is why I give my ex wife a load of credit for making sure our daughter has quality time for both of us. That’s the way it should be.
@@josephbrown9685 About 10 years before a paper was published on the subject, I theorise what later became known as "Maternal Gatekeeping" so I take my hat off to your ex and I respect her for her ability to consider yours and her child together.
Is it still considered relational aggression if the other parent is psychologically and physically abusive? When can it be considered an act of protection? Or is it always about hurting the abuser?
@@Venusbabe66
Exactly
Always love a bit of Adam. He's so underrated and wish he was experiencing larger influxes of followers.
"Men can't be masculine because they'll scare people and women have to be masculine to try to protect themselves from perceived threats" Yes 🙌 And it's exhausting for women (at least for me 😅) to have to be strong all the time; just as it must be frustrating for men to not be masculine. Excellent podcast!
The trick is learning to put the armor down when you come home.
@@matthewriegner5180 that's a male ability, wired in thru evolution. Women are wired to learn to shut down compassion/empathy when we GO OUTSIDE the family. 2 different complimentary skills.
@@kitkakitteh trick is LEARNING to put the armor down when you come home.
Men are told they're "Toxic" by society, coming from all sorts of sources in media, it's very frustrating to go against your nature and programming......women are told they're "strong" "brave" "stunning" etc etc for doing the same things.
@@garyfrancis6193 lol
My mother would actually yell at me that she had to sacrifice for me when I was very young. Now I'm a single, female at age 43. For all the bad about technology, young people can find gems like this video.
Thats horrible
I don't respond well to serious content delivered using mocking impressions of others. I listened twice but couldn't reconcile the factual sincerity of the message with how emotionally the message was often delivered. It makes me want to fact check the entire interview.
You know, media people go ont multiple different shows, repeating the same content.
Catch someone on a tired or stressed day, saying the same thing for the 29th time, people might sound that way.
It is rather the overly enthusiastic, always on, extra extraverted types that send my alarm bells ringing. Fake, salsey emotionally manipulative way of talking.
It has the same effect on me. Same as for people who put themselves as the example to follow, like this guy with his four children and so on.
I don’t think “I respect you” is really what I’m looking for… but I have had a few partners say “you inspire me” and that has stuck with me forever. I feel like that statement is even higher than “I love you” or “I respect you”.
I think to be inspired by someone takes a certain level of respect, no? Obviously whether you like “I respect you” or “you inspire me” is obviously opinion oriented. “I respect you” is a form of saying “you inspire me” and much more
You totally inspired them to find a better partner!
Episodes about dating and reminders of the heartbreak-rich nice-guy past that one is hauling with him are always reliable keys to cry yourself to sleep, while also being the hook to watch an 80mins podcast in one sitting.
talking of men needing respect.
i just became 18 like a few months ago, im a guy
and i had my first job at the begining of this year
one night after i came back from the job i went to the supermarket to get something to eat and on the way out i crumpled the change into my pocket.
some lady in her 20's or 30's saw that and yelled after me that i dropped my change. she used "sir" that was the first time i was called Sir. it was kinda of confidence boost ngl
Here an ugly truth: Several decades of societal programming cannot override thousands of years of biological and psychological evolution.
We’re about 50.000 to 100.000 years of evolutionary psychology away from evolving into our current society. I’m starting to realise how dated our “wetware” is…
That's such a misogynistic, patriarchal, probably white supremacist and transphobic thing to say! You hurt my feelings 😢😂
I disagree. I want to fuck a lot with as many women as I can. However through discipline I can achieve the mental will to not do this and do better with my life and achieve more then spending time trying to chase women. 💁🏽♂️
@@andrespereira7007 golden
100% I wish more people understood this.
I live in Iran and i love watching dr lane smith with you , last week i made contact with the girl of my dreams and with Dr's lessons now I'm the only one she thinks we can be together.
Thank you Chris Williamson for these amazing podcast.
I believe you're right that happy people, don't pay attention to politics. However this is the time that they need to pay attention. Politics is on the verge of destroying everyone's happiness.
absolutely love this guy's takes and the chemistry between you two. Need more episodes with Adam
He has a youtube channel
This is one of the most insightful videos of yours that I’ve seen. Just for one single thing that the therapist said:
Men bond by teaching!
I’ve always kind of subconsciously known this about myself, but I’ve never really thought of it as a “men” thing. But I guess it is. All my life I’ve wanted to be a father. And hopefully by God’s grace I will be someday. Why? Because I deeply desire to pass on what little knowledge and wisdom I have. I don’t necessarily want to be a teacher in the traditional sense, like teaching English or math. People can learn that from anyone. But the unique wisdom I get from my own life experience.
I don’t have kids, but I’ve got nieces and nephews. I want them to respect me, particularly for my wisdom. In the rare instances when I’m teaching them something about adult life, I feel incredibly close to them. Playing with them is cool, but teaching them is a thousand times better.
Even with older folks it’s the same. I often feel distant from my parents…but they’re boomers and are very attached to old technology, particularly cable TV. I’ve been trying to convince them to just switch to UA-cam and streaming video. I’ve been telling them how it’s not only cheaper but also more entertaining and even more informative. And they’ve been considering it thanks to me. So now that this has been happening, I feel much closer to my parents than I ever have when simply talking about my life over dinner. And I guess this is a male desire. My dad does the same with me. He’s been trying to teach me how to manage my retirement savings.
So I guess men really do bond by teaching. It’s certainly true of me, and now I know why!
I learnt a lot from my dog, she was the most precious thing in the world to me. She taught me to love, love and love; but to always protect myself from the dangers of the world.
I’m in a state of wanting to delete myslef versus try to heal from her death. Pets are amazing teachers, I also have a good dad. I don’t feel judged crying around him.
Here’s to love and the power behind it
Teaching ANYTHING to anyone is a deeply emotional and intimate process. Even English and Math, if we are actually tuned into our beloved student. Sometimes even more, things like English and math because we have to make something contrived feel natural.
It's how, not what we teach.
And we have to reach through example in every way, so if we only have a little knowledge to pass down or share, the best thing to do is acquire more and bolster that with confidence and consistency.
Learning is very difficult on a mental and emotional level. It requires one to stretch into the unknown and expand their capacity. To steward someone through that process is to be a teacher of that process.
This guy has a father's heart and it really shows. The world needs more such as these. I really enjoyed his wisdom.
He's describing these different dating pools that do not overlap.
One has an accurate sense of morality. The other invented their own, and a different version with each individual.
Hands down! One of the best episodes ever. The guest knows very well what he is talking about and no political correctness or similar b.s. here. You are killing it, Chris.
I really enjoy all the episodes with Adam.
Chris, you should do a full series with this.
This gives me hope for humanity. Knowing the difference between men and women points of view, makes communication so much easier. Thanks guys great job!
"Politics doesn't affect you."
Covid Lockdowns, 50% of the people I know not allowing me in their homes for 2 years.
Yeah, I'm gonna have to go ahead and disagree with you there...
Right. He is correct about how politics shouldn't be governing your sense of self or morality. However, as government becomes more intrusive and degenerate, it most certainly affects us.
@@JohnSmith-wx9wjsame with the woke.
Canceled or fired for one wrong word and they won't listen to you at all?
Yet you're supposed to just let them have that encroachment and pretend like it doesn't affect your ability to live your life at all?
He's out of touch with this one
@@brianmeen2158 that's only if you discuss politics in the predefined manner.
Well... he is right about the lemmings take a pill and expect things all better. You know.... like "get the vaccine and you won't get or transmit Covid. Trust Us"
@@brianmeen2158I think 25 years ago I’d agree, ask the people who lost everything in 08 if they believe politics don’t effect you? not anymore, politics effects almost everything now including culture and as the government has taken more power and control over our lives who is the president, Governor, mayor, etc does have an impact on many things including the most important thing, the economy.
The daycare thing shocked me. In the Czech Republic you can have maternity leave for up to 3 years. The kindergarten starts at the age of 3.
There's no nationally mandated MATERNITY leave in the States. I made this point on another YT channel and got told that the US Govt shouldn't interfere with how parents bring up their children.
@@rejectionisprotection4448
The USA doesn't support women and does everything to beat them down
Thank you for having the important conversations needed to grow in this world
I get so happy when Adam Lane Smith is on the show!! Thank you ❤
47:08 wow this segment is pure gold! I found myself nodding in agreement to everything Adam was saying. This is such important information for both men and women and knowing this would spare us so many uncomfortable moments with each other.
Bonding is hit and miss. If the need isn't healfully met with immediacy in early life, it's missed, and then it no longer exists in the form we’d all hope.
Decent communication in a relationship is depressingly rare.
My ex fiance broke up with me semi out of the blue for me.
I had been thinking there needed a shift in our activities. One night she tries to have a conversation with me about our relationship. She was so wrapped up in emotions that almost nothing coheriant came out.
I was going to be out of town for a few days for classes. So I suggested she and I take a few days and organize our thoughts. Then we can talk again. I get back, we sit down. Before I could start, she says we are done.
Was a shock. Still to this day idk why, still bugs me somedays.
Did you ever ask why??
Sort of. We talked a few years later.
While we dated she was being treated for clinical depression. Which turned out after we broke up to be bi ploar.
Her mother was pressuring her about my soft athiesim.
I had hit a bad spot of apathy for anything but her. She thought her mental health issues were dragging me down with her.
I learned from a friend of hers, that we fooled around to much. Which was my concern at the time she broke it off.
I got enough. At the time I was so apathetic that I didnt contribute much to that last conversation. That is still a major regret.
@@nappa4317beware of bipolars. Once you spot it, run !!!
Assume monkey branching.
@@gwho Na, nothing like that.
I think her mistreated bi polar, and domineerng mother caused her to panic run.
That take the relationship seriously thing is such a cop-out. What many women seem to mean by "take a relationship seriously is "give me my way or get lost". I watched a man bend over backwards for 17 years to stay "married" and every time his spouse didn't get her way she would tell him "if you don't like it you can just leave". When he finely left, she convinced herself that there was an affair.
Another great conversation! I was happy to hear about telling my partner that I respect him! I've done that many times, as well as saying I love him! We're solid! The day care research is very interesting. I intuitively thought so, so my husband and I worked part-time and were able to take care of him without any day care (or babysitters) until he was 4 and went to kindy. We certainly were not rich during this time and actually went into the red a bit during the first four years, but we could catch up financially after that. We were also able to spend these years with our son because we have universal health insurance (here in Japan)!!!!
Got a strong mental image when Adam said “put your hands on his chest and say ‘I respect you’”, and felt pressure behind my eyes. Pretty sure he is spot on, “I love you” practically has no meaning to me anymore.
I love Adam episodes! Okay, I gotta admit, I felt a little attacked on the segment about parents feeling frustrated when they hear about non-parents’ elaborate morning routines etc. I’m definitely guilty of making those comments. But it’s absolutely not out of resentment for my own kids or feeling like I can’t achieve my dreams. My four kids (who are still young and need me constantly) ARE my dream, and always have been. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like to also be a healthy, well-rounded individual with other pursuits. But they absolutely come first. I genuinely just want to know what other parents are doing… when they are sleep-deprived, when they need to carve out time for themselves or projects they are working on, when they have to prioritize. Are they hiring help? What resources are they utilizing to accomplish what they want/need to? Are their kids thriving while they are thriving? I think as parents (with young kids especially), we have to embrace that we have some limitations in what we can do compared to people who don’t have kids, but how can we creatively work with those limitations?
I understand how important it is for you to find answers to these questions ^_^
Unfortunately :( I cannot offer you solutions validated by experience, because I am childless, but, if I were you, I would look offline and online for mothers who seems to be living the lifestyle you would like to live, and I would ask them questions, respectfully, but in an investigative style, to understand:
how can they live the lifestyle you would like them to live?
What extra resources do they have that you don't that allows them to live it?
What impediment do they have less, delegate, or manage with less time and energy than you?
@@taylor_tony Sure. I probably shouldn’t come to the bro-centric podcast and expect to receive helpful, nuanced parenting advice and perspectives. I wouldn’t expect Chris or Alex to provide that. Parents roll their eyes at the elaborate morning routines of Andrew Huberman (who I love) because it sounds quite luxurious to a sleep-deprived parent who hardly gets time in the mornings to themselves - and also unrealistic. Life can be chaotic and unpredictable with young kids. (Just last night, My oldest child who usually sleeps fine kept me up so late with tears and sobbing because she had itchy feet?? You just never know what the day will bring or how to prepare for it!) There have been times I have been so exhausted as a parent that I honestly couldn’t speak and form an intelligent sentence - an exhaustion I had never experienced previously. But if you’re a healthy parent you understand that there are seasons in life and you don’t resent your kids for it. I have felt deep love for my kids while cleaning up their vomit in late hours of the night and cuddling with them at 3 am in an uncomfortable recliner for hours, but I also hope to get to the Huberman routines one day… eventually… just not in this season.
With that said, parental resentment towards kids is real and damaging to the parent-child relationship. It does happen. I’ve seen it in unhealthy parents. Often ones who became parents before they wanted to… and/or generally are not getting help that they need, emotionally and in caring for their kids. Another issue is the lack of modern “villages” and supportive family structures in caring for young children.
Bottom line. Parents get to make fun of “high-productivity” routines. Not because we resent our kids or are making excuses for ourselves, but because we’ve earned that privilege through the intense and essential (and often chaotic) productivity of perpetuating our species, which many of the guests (and Chris) don’t seem to be contributing to at the moment 😂
(Especially moms!)
I've found that the more time and energy I pour into my kids, the more I have for myself. It also helps to teach them to sleep and to do chores.
Great guest. Huge respect for psychotherapeutic approaches.
47:08 this is incredibly true. I remembered learning about this and recalled that fact in my head during and argument with my girlfriend. I switched my approach from solutions to validating her feelings and reassuring her, and I worked incredibly well to not only resolve the situation, but grow closer.
A written list , A WRITTEN LIST ! Right there I would have the most serious reservations for taking my marital problems to this man! But I think he is absolutely right about daycare.
While I do enjoy Adam, he trips my BS meter a little bit. I think because he speaks of human relations in absolutes and rarely if ever appears introspective or admits fault. On the surface, everything he says makes sense but over time you notice how he refers to complex relationships with the same certainty as a mechanic talking about a bad engine part. There seems to be a lack of grey area, which in my experience is all of the human experience.
Unfortunately, I think he does it to appeal to the anti-red pill demographic. Controversy gets more attention. Not a fan, but I see that with a lot of people that get popular. To the average listener, conviction in what people say communicates how trustworthy and accurate they are. I think of it as a hijacking of common sense that usually make people think "if he's wrong or doesn't know for a fact he'd have a little bit of doubt in what he says."
Your intuition is very right. There is a lack of nuance because that's his whole game. He would never admit that there are just bad people out there that you simply should not be in a relationship with. It's all abstract talk about generalities without looking at actual individuals.
The number one thing that is an absolute fact he's right about is there are two dating pools. The dating pool that are not good at relationships get stuck in that pool and make each other miserable. I've moved around the country and realize the future of an area and the people that are there effect everything else outwardly. It's culture.
This is partly an issue with English.
You have to get the main point across, and that usually means the most natural, simplistic sentence structures.
Try to be nuanced, and hedge your probabilities and caveats and exceptions, and you start sounding really academic and professors and dry and long.
Communication majors talk about this tradeoff, simplicity and actually getting the concept vs full comprehensive nuance and caveat and being overwhelmed and being turned off and being less effective than an oversight.plifird version
@@gwho Sorry, as a native English speaker myself, this is untrue (in the context here). There are MANY native English speakers who speak clearly, with nuance, and humility. This fellow is not that guy. Maybe it’s hubris that’s setting it off for me? A complete surety (“This is what ALWAYS happens,” etc) is inconsistent with how variable people are. The English language does not force you to speak without vulnerability; this seems like an Adam quirk.
Absolutely excellent episode. I’ve never heard someone touch on this points in such an eloquent manner.
24:18 This was very a bad faith caricature of what men think. No men don't think getting raped by five guys in an alley is a fantasy that women enjoy. Adam needs to drop the condescension it immediately raises my guard and makes me want to fact check everything he says.
28:30 I can't help but think this is self-selection bias. As a psychotherapist of course it is the people who say they want a committed relationship who are more likely to contact Adam. There's also the age dynamic, I'd wager that many of callers are in their 30s. So I don't think a blanket "both sexes want commitment" paints a full picture. Anecdotally I think guys are generally in no position (at least financially) to be locking down commitment in their 20s and women have a plethora of options so a man's commitment is of low market value (at least at that age bracket).
I agree about the alley analogy. No normal man thinks women want that. And they probably don't want that for themselves either.
Thank you. I just can't shake the impression that this guy is reciting psychology magazine stuff. All he says sound like generalisations and stereotypical views of men / women / relationships.
Right from the start: Are there really many women who believe sleeping at first date will make the guy stay? All girls i can think of that i know would probably know it's the contrary, and you gain "value" by pushing the sex further down the road. Weird.
Every blue-pilled man is basically projecting biases. The Red Pill is precisely about letting go of any and all biases and staring reality in the face. That's why most men (and certainly almost every woman..) do not choose to confront these truths and instead attack and denigrate those who do 🤷♂️
Thanks for validating the fact that women just want their partner to listen and say that must suck not solve my problems. I have told my husband this multiple times I just need you to listen but for some reason his male brain cannot comprehend this😅
Too much talking fixes nothing. You show yourself through your actions/behaviors.
Please don't speak for all women or all men.
A lot of women want validation rather than any kind of truth or solutions. Guys aren't afraid to tell each other that they're in the wrong or that they need to look at changing their life choices. If all you want to do is flap your gums while someone pats you on the back and affirms your ideas and behaviours no matter what, then it's not doing you any good and it's a waste of the other person's time. Record them saying "That must suck..." and play it on a loop while you talk to the wall - it'll be just as effective.
Men dont want to listen. We want to solve our problems, maybe solve your problems, and chill.
God bless this man and his family, Thanks a lot to the both of you for these great insights! As a young man they are etremely valuable to me
Love this man! My wife and I always watch these together and have a great time, thanks Adam!
Watching 2 intelligent masculine men having a deeply meaningful conversation about human connection is such a full fulfilling experience. ❤😊 Thank you both for being amazing beings.
The guest is not masculine
Lol
Having 'those conversations' is very difficult in a world where family and friends don't want to have them with you, where professionals are too expensive and where there are years-long waiting lists on the NHS for even telephone therapy. And as for diagnosis - I asked my GP to see a diagnostician and he just said 'no'. Then he asked me why I wanted a diagnosis and seems surprised when I told him 'so I can access appropriate treatment'.
I'm not afraid of much in life, but that statistic on the amount of time spent with your kid by the time they're 12 being 75% of the time you'll spend with them over your whole life terrified me.
Now run the numbers for your parents, basically the inverse 😳
Adam should do a video exploring the bookshelf behind him. Looks like some solid finds there.
Can't wait for even another episode with Adam. Keep up the great work!
Yet another excellent interview by Chris. Thank you! Adam Lane Smith is an excellent voice on the topic
"Ugly psychology" is accurate. "Truths",.. debatable.
Adam Smith makes some amazing insight here for both men and women. Great guest
Here in France, sleeping on the first night is quite common, even with partners who will become long-term partners. For women, avoiding sex on the first night can only help maintain the interest of a man who's only there for sex. That's all there is to it.
I fail to understand your logic. In what sense a man who is only interested in sex would maintain the interest in a woman that denies it on the first date? 😀
@@tefilobraga If I'm very interested in a woman, having sex with her quickly doesn't affect my level of interest. On the other hand, if I'm attracted to a woman but feel she's not up to my long-term standards, my interest disappears as soon as I've slept with her
I appreciate this mature and experienced view
France also has the highest rates of divorce in the whole world and it's illegal for men to ask a paternity test for their own child
AMAZING content as always Chris!! Every day i just come here waiting for amazing content you make
I was a lot of these things and my god now I love having those tough conversations. I like all the things i used to fear dreadfully. I didnt have parents really so had to learn it all the hard way, but yeah dealing with that ego crushing sucks but totally worth it
Dr. Lane admits that moving out of the house is a "scam for two mortgages". We need to have a conversation about how women in the workplace and daycare are an extension of that.
Interestingly while the UK has what appears to be much better maternity leave programs, the macro view of the society doesn't seem much better.
Adam, I have just found the mentor for my 14 year old son. You have revealed the workings of relationships, men and women beautifully, and accurately. Very valuable information. Thank you, Chris, for getting Adam on the program. This video hits my top 3 of all time.
I really have to respond to, what I feel is, Adam's gross mischaracterization of how men perceive women's position in the dating market. It is so far out, and so wrong, as to actually be insulting. I have not heard of any man who says or thinks "Wow, women are out there having the time of their lives because all these randoms they can have sex with!" and the part about the women being dragged into an alley by five guys being seen as a great time was especially egregious.
What many men do believe is that WOMEN COMPLETELY CONTROL THE DATING MARKET, they are effectively a cartel, and what we're now seeing played out in the modern world is basically the aggregation of women as a group's choices within this market leading to certain outcomes, which then women complain about. Many men see this play out and think that women are, shall we say, making sub-optimal choices in this context. Basically, men are seeing women saying they want pepsi, then seeing women go off and buy and drink lots of coke, and then women are all 'surprised pikachu face' when pepsi goes out of business. Basically, spoken versus revealed preference in all its glory.
I just wanted to get that off my chest as someone who has watched a lot of these discussions about dating and mating in the modern world, it was actually pretty insulting.
He was gaslighting through exaggerated strawman arguments.
Things you own end up owning you. Things you control end up going out of control. So breaking point is near
Generalizations from start to finish by him. I dont get how everyone here seem to think that was great and enlightening. I feel like I read Psychology magazine.
Dude. What an amazing set of good advise. Many stuff to implemente right now. Thank you.
I've known for a while now about the no support for new parents but it's still shocking to hear every time... meanwhile our maternity leave it's 2years with 75% payment and if I go back before term you get higher pay by la, moments like this I feel gratitude
Husbands should support the family. Kids need to be with their mothers for YEARS not 2 years. And why should other people pick up the slack for others for 2 years? It makes no sense.
@@carolyna.869
Husbands should ? Why?
Women have aspirations beyond being wives and mothers
Always a terrific guest, outstanding
Your talks are always great gentlemen, well done 🎉Adam and I both retired from practicing as psychotherapists and it seems like it was as good a decision for him as it was for me. Although he’s much better at these things than I am ☺️
Yesss! my favourite guest. I'm ready to learn 😃
50:28 Hilarious man. "Awesome, you want me to listen? I can do that, grab a bag of popcorn." LOL.. Im so going to remember that and do that.
Brilliant stuff. You two bring the best out of each other. :)
I watched many of your 674 shows. This was the best conversation.
Any of the 17 truths deserves its own episode.
I’m curious if you happened to catch mine and what your thoughts were? It was so long ago, and it’s always hard to watch these back of yourself. I think my biggest weakness is that I don’t structure my answers well. I need to get better at sticking to talking points. But hopefully there is still value nonetheless.
Day care! this perhaps relates to the experiences of babies in Orphanage's. In some instances the mortality rate of babies was almost 100% even though they had most of their basic needs meet. There other orphanages where the mortality rate was much lower and researchers found it was the adult interaction with the babies, the babies that were held and talked to had a much better survival rate, than babies that did not experience that human interaction. There is a word for lack of touch and that is "Skin hunger" and adults also suffer from that.
Thank you, Chris and Adam for this episode. I thoroughly enjoyed it and resonated with your points. As Adam aptly pointed out, I believe many women who engage in non-committal, casual sex may harbor a mistaken notion or perhaps even a hopeful expectation that they can forge an emotional connection and bond with a man, particularly as their bodies release oxytocin during the experience. In contrast, the man, fueled by a surge of dopamine, often proceeds to seek out yet another thrill with a different woman a.k.a. novelty and variety -unless he has an anxious attachment style and uses sex to create proximity with a woman.
In a similar vein, men who indulge in porn consumption or subscribe to OnlyFans are frequently lured by the dopamine rush they experience. This rush can sometimes create an illusion, convincing them that they are genuinely engaging in real-world sexual experiences with the women featured in these mediums. In essence, it's a complex interplay of hormones and desires that can lead to intriguing outcomes, yet, further alienating men and women from each other.
holy cow every single answer is a gold nugget! So much new information for me rn. Amazing, thank you!
It sounds like most people in the world are struggling with themselves. Everything we do, think, feel, etc. all comes down to which emotion matches your decision. We, as a human race, need to get back in touch with our emotions. Once we learn to control our difficult emotions, the sooner we can start having difficult conversations. This is just the beginning. I wish everyone reading this well.
Edit> I just wanted to add... Once you start learning to understand your difficult emotions, you can then look at your own life and see "what went right/what went wrong". You can be deeply honest with yourself. You can admit your faults, learn from your mistakes. Until you start doing this, expect our (collective) emotional livelihood as a race to keep going down the drain.
🎉😂❤ Thank you so much, Chris, for your amazing podcasts.
Adam is insightful, articulate and compassionate🎉❤😂
Important conversations about living, loving and learning 🎉
A wife having a 20 year long list of things to communicate to her husband sounds like she has incredibly bad communication skills but a very long memory
Which is what the therapist needs to explore is what he was saying. Don't bash the guy, explore the communication or lack thereof from the wife and feedback from the husband
Great episode. I've got a big family and we get together quite regularly, but the distance thing is really a product of our world being much smaller and technology making it easier to stay in touch too. 100 years ago, you couldn't just hop country to country, work from anywhere and easily stay in touch with relatives like we can nowadays.
This guy is honest and spot on, particularly on the couple’s counselling and day care issue. The ability of people to be blind to the reality is astounding !
I don't know what planet this guy is living on. Most of the difficult conversations need to be with the very people who caused all the pain in the first place--parents. And precious few toxic parents will do anything other than either explode or gaslight you. Not to mention that "having a conversation" with mortality isn't exactly useful. "Having a conversation" is really some kind of psychobabble.
I do love Adam but if my husband asked me how I want him to respond to something instead of just giving a genuine response it would irritate me more 🤨😂 feels like asking someone for a compliment, doesn't mean anything if you have to ask. I'd rather just go to different people for different problems.
You Sir are having an incredible impact on the way we think. Do not underestimate the importance of what you do. Thank you especially for interviewing THIS gentleman.
One of my favourite guests, keep him coming!!!
It’s simple: I see Adam, I click 👍🏻
Was thinking the same thing
Man your explanation of men in therapy was dead on. Before i got divorced my ex set us up w therapy and i willingly went but the second i got there i was in the wrong and everything was my fault and she was cheating on me lol. Shes married to the guy now so whatever just noce to gear it wasnt only me
this is great Chris. Loved it. Adam should be invited more often
Shoutout for the Black Company series set behind Adam. Adam has major fantasy nerd vibes, what a cool guy : )
Definitely can learn something from the podcast, but I can resonate with some criticisms in the comment section.
Great podcast as always, thanks.
We need more moms AT home, and more fathers IN the home. ❤
My 7 yr old daughter is 5 minutes away. I can't even get a phone call. They keep saying fatherless homes is an epidemic, the courts encourage both parents to be involved. Bunch of rubbish. I've decided to give up the fight and pursue adoption or find a surrogate.
One of the best programmes I've heard all year.
This should be required listening, then practicing. Both of you are spot on…each point.