Being Childfree by Choice & dealing with overbearing moms
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- Опубліковано 1 жов 2024
- Its been a long two months but I wanted to jump right back into the childfree content before uploading a video explaining where I've been this whole time. I made a video a few months ago discussing childfree men and I had so many comments about how my mom needs boundaries which I completely agree with but some things are easier said than done.
#childfreebychoice #childfreelife #childfreedealingwithparents
My name is Janie and I am living a child free life with my husband living in NYC. I am returning to college in my 30s and trying my best to balance a full time job + school + social life and youtube.
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I am child-free by choice
People: who are going to take care of you when you get old.
Me: Money
Someone else's kids.
Who are obviously adults.
My mom is also Latina but she doesnt pressure me to have kids if anythin shes like kids are too much responsibility maybe bc she went thru a lot with me and my sisters and our fathers.. She was married twice. I think deep down she wished she wouldve stayed single like her sister lol Also my dad has a son from his first marriage who never even calls him or goes to see him even tho my dad gave him everything he wanted until he retired. Children can be so ungrateful theres no guarantee theyll help you when youre old
LOOK-SEE
Having kids to have a free caretaker for old age is extremely selfish.
@@CordeliaWagner 💯
Women need to protect themselves against oppression, abuse and slavery by never having kids. Men are weak and egotistical. To make something that will tie a woman to that loser for life is just too high a price to pay. This should be taught in all high schools. Child-free is self-love and self-respect for a woman. Surely, a mother wants what's best for their daughter.
@@uhnschlek8827 I don't plan on uploading any videos to this page, but subbed based on what you said. I come from a big family (mom is one of 11, 2 passed away, grandpa is one of 12.) My cousins are my kids. A lot of my cousins are starting to have kids, and they start looking my way, and I'm like nope. After getting burned, and used, and when you find your peace? Nowadays I'm very picky about who I let in my peaceful castle. Ever since I said no kids, guys have been trying real hard, and I'm like nope, I can do and be bad by myself. I have my friends and my interests, but I have zero interest in being apart of something (i.e. kids) that would zap the peace, tranquility and goals that took me a while to get. When you hit rock bottom and get out of that place on your own? I'm not trying to go back there. I listened to well intentioned advice and fell off bad because of it. The well intentioned advice of being someone's mother is out of the question.
@@ChildFreeLee " The gift of life." This gift is only valuable if you get to use it the way you want. So many will look upon you to use that gift in servitude to theirs. But yours is precious and needs the respect, dignity and love that it deserves. Time is all that we truly have and we don't know how much of it we have. So, be picky all you want. That's the least you could do to honor your gift of life.
@@uhnschlek8827 Preach to the high heavens. I actually do have medical issues where I'm in and out of the hospital a lot. I definitely choose to live life as I want, because tomorrow isn't promised. I choose to live it as an auntie and give at my own discretion and be of service on my own timing. Not get married and have kids and have some guy try to make me do things out of guilt and obligation (and sure love, but again when I showed people that side they took it for granted, and said hey. Here's a lady that loves me, let me just take advantage. And I got hip to the vibe. Just imagine if every time you got burned, financially ruined, and chewed up and spit out. Wouldn't you just leave it alone and stop participating? Once I decided to be alone and not have kids, my life became happier). And people still try to get me to do things (because as women remember we are supposed to give give give), I'm like yall the only thing I have to do is death and taxes. In all my past relationships I stressed individuality and said hun, I'm still keeping my hobbies, interests and life as a individual and wanted him to do the same. I actually encouraged him to have a life outside of me because no one person can be everything to you! I started to see those gender roles play out, them thinking that I was going to be doing everything and I was like you know what. I think I would be happier without kids. If others want kids, happy for them, but some of my life experiences just altered how I live life. I think some guys get surprised when I'm like nope. Because they are told hey women want to have your kids. I'm like not me. I just presented this to a guy friend once. I'm like would you want to get pregnant, go through all the permanent bodily changes, push a bowling ball out your body and then. When the kid is here, as a woman you are just naturally expected to do more and be more all the time. I'm the vent person to all my married with kids friends. They tell me how they do everything even though they got a partner. I'm like the single no kids route is for me. (This is a paragraph, my bad).
There are many women with ego and what about me mentality
Did you just equate kids to oppression, slavery and abuse...
Omg I understand your mom being so strict that it turned you into a good liar. My mom was so strict growing up omg it use to drive me crazy!! I think that’s why I turned out the way I did lol sometimes strict parents create the most ruthless people 😂 curiosity always gets the best of you
My great grandmother died with one child dead and the other in prison (no contention). There is no guarantee that your child would live to take of you. In her case she had adult grandkids but if you are concerned with your life as an old person you should put away money for care.
Progessional caretakers are meant to take care of old disabled people.
well said
Thank you for sharing your true feelings. Even as a girl in grade school, I didn't want kids. The way my religion pushed marriage and children? The way guys disrespected me and the way girls in my school fought over them and based their value on what men thought of them? I was turned off by the cat and mouse game. I have a lot of medical conditions where I'm in the hospital a lot. Debilitating pain everyday. Why in the world would I bring new life into this world, when I can't take care of me? I just feel like if I can do the basics, why have kids? I've had a lot of friends and family pass away, people disappeared. I had to deal with a lot on my own. And according to my friends that are parents? It takes a village. I don't come from a supportive family. I also look at cousins who have babies, who come from a supportive background. This is not the case for me, I faced a reality. That's their life, not mine. I'm not going to take on more than I can chew, have kids and play martyr. Or let people talk me into it, just to realize when it's too late being a mom is not for me. I think due to my life experiences and me not heavily desiring kids, it plays a big role in my decision to be childfree. But I don't also want to be pregnant, go through childbirth, or risk passing away. No thanks! But great perspective on your end.
Her husband sounds like a winner. Her mother sounds like the opposite. Sorry, but the lady better be glad her daughter's Colombian heritage is still manifested in her core values 'cuz us multi-generational Americans have a new way of doing things that include disposing of toxic parents. I told my mom a long time ago she is not getting any grandkids and to get used to my dog bc that's the closest she's getting to one and that was literally the end of that conversation. There is no way in hell I'd have anybody in my face talking to me crazy like this lady talk to her child. As women, we are not here to serve as some damn broodmare for someone else to feel better in their own lives --- Idc if that's men, our mothers, the greater society, or whatever else. If you want more children in your life, that means YOU need to find a way to incorporate more of them into your life. Not for ME to bare them on your behalf.
Wow we are almost twins. First generation Colombian here as well! And I also don’t like to clean 😂 watching cleaning videos though has helped me to be motivated but the whole blasting music thing- nope, can’t do that. Ptsd, lol. My parents were not strict however, I had the opposite problem- too much freedom! Latch key child. Anyway, love to hear the similar vents and feelings. Love you are doing own thing, so admirable!
look-see
Yes, please make a video about your other family member and why the interactions have been unpleasant. and I am 24. I haven't left home even though I wanted to since I was a teenager. But I think I saw in Japan that some people can live with their parents well into their 30s. I love this story about how you feel about your parents and your family. This sort of reminds me of Turning Red from Pixar, with the mother and the child and how strict the parent is. and I wouldn't want a child ever, but if I did, with the right woman, I would consider adoption or forget the idea all together of having a child.
I can't claim the Columbian concept, but I definitely feel like this is a generational thing in my family. My parents are older than most of my peers and I am the youngest. Age is not the only factor, but it feels like it is a huge one. My mom tends to get upset without a solid explanation or just shuts down when I mention not having/wanting kids, so I get the whole we just don't tend to go there or reinforce it if she pushes. One of the best things is simply getting older to combat a lot of the "you'll change your mind/regret arguments", but as per usual with my parents' generation, there is a lot of emphasis on what "most people" or insert group you belong to (socially, religiously, etc.) do which always makes me wonder. We were told all the time growing up "if your friends ran off a cliff, would you" as a rebuke to any social pressure even if the idea was extremely minor. Yet what "most people" do in regard to wanting children is supposed to be important to us? Boundaries are a very hard concept for my parents to grasp when it comes to younger individuals (particularly family members), yet I have seen this generational issue absolutely ruin things for people once they develop memory problems or severe enough physical problems associated with age (I've worked as a caregiver). When parents can't accept boundaries with their adult children, they tend to blame them for everything no matter how hard their sons and daughters try to appease them. The sons and daughters buy expensive items, visit their aging family members on a regular basis, but still receive angry/upset phone calls claiming that they are "left alone all day" (ironically often during a visit from staff that is there to assist/give them company while adult kids are at work).
So, here a few tips I have learned from watching others that I plan to use if my parents get to that point:
-Make a calendar for people to mark when they visit
My family did this for my grandmother, so if she started to claim, "no one had visited in a long time", we could point to the calendar and show her otherwise. She had friends from church visit her on a regular basis, but she never remembered the visit and parents tend to go into a "woe is me" mentality when their adult children are present. Most days she had a least four signatures and we knew not everyone in the working staff where she stayed remembered to sign the calendar while making rounds to check on all of the residents. She and grandpa had struggles that required medical attention, so the family did everything they knew to give them the best care possible.
-Do not give them a phone number they can reach you at work directly, but still have someone who can contact you quickly in the event of an emergency.
No matter how much you may tell them that they do not need to be calling you at work (unless there is an emergency), some parents will continue to interrupt your work schedule and claim that your work is not an excuse for not visiting at the moment or claim that it does not fund whatever you bought them to make life more comfortable/convenient. If boundaries are not respected in other aspects of your life from your parents, don't expect this boundary to be respected when their mind starts to go.
-Be willing to make frequent, but short visits if necessary for your own wellbeing.
Older adults can easily go through the same lecture or unpleasant conversation multiple times without realizing it and get you to the end of your patience while being emotional if dementia sets in. You can have someone else come in after you that is a friend to take their attention elsewhere as necessary and come back a little later with the hope that they have hit the "reset" button without realizing it. If you start to get emotional (no matter how valid the reason for your emotions), older parents will feed off of that and get into a screaming or crying match with you. They may not even remember why this argument is taking place, so they will bring up former issues from your past and claim you are being "disrespectful" to your parents. They can't remember what they had for breakfast, but they can remember a "negative" conversation you had when you weren't even a teenager yet. So, have lots of backup plans and "distractions" in mind for when this becomes a problem.
-Have a backup plan for the sake of safety:
Whether you plan to live with your parents or have them stay in their own home nearby as they age, have a backup plan for safety. Both yours and their own. This can start with having a caregiver visit them while you are at work or just to remind them to take care of everyday tasks/give them company that can prevent/report potential danger. Yet, many times a son, daughter or spouse can tell that more assistance may be needed. One of the interesting stories I have been told is about a wife who asked her husband to put salt on the roast. Without hesitating, he put soap flakes on top of the meat. She then realized that they needed assistance because he could have unintentionally poisoned her.
Most adults want to give their parents or older family members as much freedom as possible, but when they start to do things like refuse to bathe because the water is never hot enough or leave the stove on and walk away, you want to get help from someone they will listen to and can help them get around safely. This is part of the reason why medical people are encouraged to work as a team when moving individuals. Whatever you choose as your backup, make sure it includes other people and covers various levels of need as the person continues to age.
I hope you find these tips helpful.
I'm my Dad's caregiver now that his health has declined in his late 60s. I've never married and no kids. My parents are divorced and I made a deal with my 6 younger siblings - I'll take care of Dad while they can take care of Mom when she needs help (Mom's very healthy and active so I don't think she'll need it for another 10+ yrs imo). My Mom and all my siblings STILL bug me about marriage and kids. I have threatened to place a hex on them if they don't stop. Shut them the hell up really fast. 😅
sometimes I feel like I am the only one mom like this but no. Whenever I told anyone about my mother everyone says but that's your mother be respectful to her. But it feels good to see people with same experience as me.
There's nothing wrong with hating kids. Most childfree people do.
THANK YOU!
Agreed.
We are allowed to dislike and hate kids.
I love my nieces but the other kids kinda test my patience
@@oldchild527 I can't stand my 3 year old niece or my 17 year old nephew. 🤣
@@KYLE1654-v7mlook-see