Popular Marriage Advice That We REJECT!
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- Опубліковано 20 вер 2024
- Whether it's popular secular marriage advice or 'Christian' marriage advice, proceed with caution. Not all advice is good advice 😉
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Hey Fam, what are your thoughts on close friendships with the opposite gender after marriage? Share boundaries you have😊
For us, "friends" don't necessarily equate interacting with opposite sex co-workers. My husband works with mostly men, but there are a handful of women. He is in a leadership role and HAS to interact with all sorts of people. But some hard boundaries are not PRIVATE messaging anyone unless the other knows about it. I don't need to know WHAT is being spoken of, but just that it's happening. To this point, he only GROUP texts his work peeps.
As for hanging out, same thing. No PRIVATE hanging out either. We are friends with many COUPLES, but none of us are friends JUST with one spouse without the other knowing.
If anything is being HIDDEN, or your spouse is hurt by something, STOP IT. Even in most cases if it "doesn't make sense." Hopefully both spouses UNDERSTAND each other's feelings, but even if they don't, I wouldn't continue speaking with someone he didn't feel good about.
You're right too - your spouse isn't the ONLY person to be in people's lives, since that's unhealthy expecting "everything" from any one person. It's a matter of closeness, intimacy (even just emotional).
Even though I haven't ever been in a relationship, I strongly feel that if I was married, my best friend would be my husband. I would still be friends with my guy friends, but like you both talked about, definitely put boundaries and make sure to include your spouse in it as well. And making sure to let the guy friends know that my husband is my best friend and he comes first (besides the Lord Jesus of course who is ALWAYS first 😉)
@@drummergirl0385 well said! 👏👏👏
I've been happily married to my hubby for 2 years, and my closest friends have always been and still are guys. I'm so grateful for them! We trust each other's judgement, so we haven't set any boundaries in terms of those relationships. There has never been a need. If a situation ever made one of us uncomfortable, we'd just trust the other person to honor that and act accordingly. We have a no jealousy policy in our marriage, and I have seen it bring nothing but blessings! Our best man at our wedding was even an ex-boyfriend of mine who is now a dear friend of my husband's in addition to being a close friend of mine. Obviously, my husband is my very best and closest friend 🥰 Always will be! I come to him first with everything, and he knows more about me than anyone! He's my person! I don't ever go to them instead of him - I married him for a reason!! Same with my female friends - no one gets to hear my heart before my husband! That doesn't mean I will reject former close friendships just because we got married. I'm just now a married friend to those people 🙂 Let's not forget the Bible warns against jealousy. It really is such a poison! Someone isn't a threat to your marriage just because of their gender. A good friend will never do anything that threatens your marriage (and if they didn't, I wouldn't be their friend - not because of their gender, but because of their lack of respect for our relationship). My hubs can hang out with women alone if he wants, same for me with guy friends, because we trust one another's judgement 🥰 I respect your perspective here and just lovingly disagree based on our own experience with this! 💖 Jealousy usually signals a lack of trust, which isn't a gendered thing ✨
@@KelseyMarieeMusic appreciate you sharing your perspective :)
I watched a video recently in the last story was talking about like best marriage advice, and someone said, and I found this very profound; “an argument is not you vs. your spouse. It is you and your spouse verse the problem. At the end of the day, there is no winner in an argument. It is either you fix the problem or the argument wins.” Loved that perspective
😊😊
The definition of argument is "a connected series of statements intended to establish a position". If the position is you agree to disagree there is no "winner" that isn't how arguments work. An argument is not a debate.
My husband and I actually agree with the “don’t go to bed angry”. That doesn’t mean we reach a resolution that night. We might just agree to disagree then talk about it some more the next day but we try to never go to bed mad.
I lost my grandpa suddenly as a kid and when that happens your mind starts telling you everything you should have done because you didn’t expect to lose that person so soon. Now in my marriage I don’t want to go to bed mad at each other because what if that’s the last time you guys are able to spend time together.
Appreciate you sharing :)
Totally agree with Paul on the “marrying the family” phrase!! It can be toxic when that phrase is taken to extremes. It’s so common for families to ruin marriages!
Having friends of the opposite gender has enriched my marriage and life. Not allowing your spouse to have friends of the opposite gender is rooted in insecurity and jealously in the relationship. I trust my husband 100%, yes woman are attractive but he has self control and also I trust that he would never do anything to go against the boundaries we have set within our marriage. This sounds like a rule set for pervy men that can’t control themselves.
Paul breaking into song had me clapping my hands for real 😂😂😂I love how you guys are just authentic! much love
Haha❤️
I think it's important though to recognize that children's needs should not be neglected for the spouse either. And I'm talking true needs- not wants or just things that might be good for them, but not neglect for them not to get. Because child neglect is actually VERY common, even if our culture generally supports putting kids first. I was neglected as a child, and my dad openly has told me, that he is sorry, but meeting the duties of being a father was not possible with his own needs/issues, although neglecting his wife's needs was NOT okay. Honestly it's a little weird to think that someone is okay with neglecting their kids, but not their spouse who is an adult and can take care of themselves.
My husband is the leader. He doesn't ask me to do things or not do things for entertainment purposes. If he did, God would turn him away. My husband leads us and makes decisions, even if that's to hand the decision to me, for the betterment of our marriage. That's HEAVY. Also, I've told both of our daughters that if you have opposite gender friends, be very ready to change the dynamics of your friendship when you get married. A woman nor a man should ever go out with a friend of the opposite gender unless their SO is also involved. I like the brutal honesty you two give, it's soooo needed.
Lol Paul I can’t believe you pulled that jo bro song out so quick 😂
😂🔥🔥
1. The friend thing. my husband and I met threw my childhood best friend, and we are all friends now and we have a great relationship with each other. There are times I have called him up about some parenting advice, or my husband has texted his wife about coming over stuff like that. But definitely don’t hang out alone or anything like that. But let me say that I’m so happy that we can still be friends after getting married. Most of my friends before marriage where boys ( aka brothers in Christ ) and I think it is important and POSSIBLE, to have healthy relationships with our brothers and sisters. When we get married we become one, so it just makes sense to me that so do our friends. 😊 we are all raising our kids together and it’s been a blast !
2. The councilor thing. So true. My dad is a pastor so growing up I go to my dad. And he has counseled many marriages, and my mom woman. I think pastors are made to be councilors because these issues are spiritual not mental and I think that has been robed into a profession.💰 Can’t tell you how many times I just want to talk to my dad because I know that He has a great relationship with the Lord.
3 kids before husband; 10000% that’s a non-negotiable obvious thing to me. If our marriage represents and reflects our relationship with God. Then it’s the 2nd most important. Kids move on you life with your spouse as one forever. That needs to last. ❤
I like the idea of rejecting the fact that you’re marrying not just that person but their family. Having said that, some families are so in each other’s pockets that it can spill into the marriage. My husband and I had to compromise when it came to this. He is from a very close knit Italian family, and it looked like a funeral was taking place at our wedding reception by the way his mom and sister were crying. 😮 It took lots of prayer and talking things out to establish those healthy boundaries.🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
I've heard it said that submission is "voluntary selflessness". It isn't quiet, uncommunicative, weak, belittled, etc. It's yielding, and it lets the other person take responsibility for whatever they choose. We see so many biblical and modern examples of women speaking wisdom into their husbands, and their husbands choose to listen and heed it, or not to, but they shoulder the weight however it goes.
Very good insight🙏
@@scarlettredding you're right, those points both are important. And the note to men is even longer in scripture. Thankfully my church DOES speak on this, and my husband follows this. I only was speaking primarily about myself in my original comment. If a husband loves well, and submits to her wisdom, she then wants to respect and submit in the healthy way it is meant. And the definition of submission being "voluntary selflessness" applies to both spouses in healthy relationships.
So about the marrying the family - I think this is TRUE! When you marry someone, your blending into each others families BUT (and it’s a big but!) your new little family takes the priority. You need boundaries with the in-laws to protect your own marriage and family. The idea that you’re married to the family is not exactly right but I get the point of the advice! I just think when it comes to this you gotta have excellent boundaries ❤
Thanks for sharing😊
When it comes to, “you marry the family too”, I really reject this. I don’t think it’s very fair to not be with a person because of their family. If the actual person is too attached to the family, or can’t see the issues with the family than that’s a problem with the person not just the family. If the issue is only the family and not the person than you can’t really fault the person for that. We don’t get to choose our family so to not be with someone just because you don’t like who God gave them as parents isn’t really fair to that person. I don’t think you have to like the persons family. It might cause difficulties when dealing with extended family once married but if the 2 people are on the same page, it doesn’t matter how crazy or not great the spouses family is. You can overcome that together!
If a couple should avoid to have close friendly relationships with others, because of possibility of cheating or divorce, then for me it sounds toxic and totally insecure. Mature and honest relationship, especially like Christian forever marriage, should be strong enough and immune to such temptations. I'm in relationship, I'm capable to stop from flirt and thinking about others, don't have to close my entire life from my best opposite sex (or same, depending of attraction) friends, because I'm with someone. How it can be truly, faithful and strong loving marriage, when you have to bunker yourself from other people? It really sounds like toxic and egoistic prison. Where are communication, trust, boundaries, honesty, maternity...?
While I agree that you definitely aren't marrying the whole family, you are marrying into choosing to deal with that family and whatever consequences (positive or negative) that brings. It becomes especially apparent once you have kids. Even if, say, the spouse's parents aren't involved for good reason...that means your child will be missing a grandparent. Things to consider.
I fall into the category of not being in relationship with my mother because she isn't in a good place to have a healthy relationship. My children do feel that and I discuss it with them openly, while still respecting my mother and not badmouthing her.
I am thankful that my husband didn't reject me for things I couldn't control and that we can teach our children better. The Lord can provide other positive infunces for the kids too. If the person with a broken family is committed to the Lord, discuss these things to see if you are in agreement on how to handle it 💗 My husband's example lead me closer to God. I am so grateful to be in a peaceful home compared to how I grew up. It is a gift from the Lord.
"Happy wife happy life" reject it, just completely undermines the husband and not to mention the purpose of marriage.
You have a point😊😊
Yeah, sometimes one or both of you need a good sleep before re-addressing an issue. I'd say don't go to sleep angry UNLESS necessary. And agree about when to circle back. End the night with "I'm not ready to talk yet, but let's do so [date and time], preferably the next day when it's still relevant. This is coming from me, the spouse who NEVER wants to delay discussing an issue 🤣
Good stuff😊
Disagree about the children. I guess it depends on how you see the purpose of marriage, but I see as first and foremost about building a family. It's a stable bedrock for your children. If they're at the heart of your marriage and their wellbeing is the purpose of marriage, they would come first at the end of the day.
I think it’s important to note that the “marrying your spouses family” is extremely cultural! I think it’s important to distinguish the “American Christian” perspective on marriage and family boundaries vs. a Christian from a different country and their view on boundaries in marriage and family. It’s wise to be careful when speaking on this! Lots of our brothers and sisters overseas would probably disagree here haha (:
Here's my thoughts on marrying the family. Marriage is a covenant between one Man and one woman. I was in an interracial relationship in college where the guy said that some of his family wouldn't approve buy not to worry because I'm in the relationship with him.
😊😊
Marriage isnt just biblically black and white. My wife Kate is the leader of the house, she does run things by me for my input but its her decision, the tie breaker. It has to be this way as with an age gap the older spouse is going to know more and have more experiences in order to solve the problems better. Going to bed angry is something we try to avoid to the best of our abilities
Christianity destroyed my marriage. If Jesus had only made my wife hate me, I might have understood. But Jesus made her hate our children and herself (Luke 14:26). We struggled for over 15 years, but I finally had to divorce her, and get custody of our children, to protect our children.
In a sense, "You are marrying the family." The ideas, motivation, and habits of that family of origin are ingrained in each spouse and plays a large role in the relationship as both learn to "leave and cleave. " It's especially more prevalent in the families that have older adult children that are still living at home.
Unless the person is actually cheating there would not be biblical grounds for divorce. (In that circumstance, there are a few other biblical reasons)
Love what your new UA-cam channel is. I’m in a relationship that’s headed towards marriage so just wish I could relate more. Definitely would appreciate all the dating advice and “about to get married” advice❤
We’ll be making more videos like that❤️
I agree! I think it is so important to put your spouse first before the children, and actually try to have those “date nights.” That’s what can keep your marriage fresh and alive. Of course, there will be seasons where that may not be possible but for the most part, the spouse must be numero uno. ❤❤❤
I don't personally really get it though, why are husband vs child being put into rank? Why not make sure both have their proper place and don't get neglected?
I never thought of not going to bed angry in the way Morgan pointed it out. I agree, you can go to bed and agree that you will talk about a problem throughout the week.
Also LOL at the marrying into the family. I feel like that phrase is sometimes used in a negative connotation. You do want to get along with your new family, but you want to make sure that they don't make decisions in your marriage. In-laws need to have boundaries!
The way our men are bombarded should be obvious that we PROTECT and even RESPECT them by giving them a less sexualized option. It's showing trust actually because they could still choose to "look" elsewhere. It's showing you desire them. Good on you. Love Mentionables.
Paul's actually a good singer.
LOVE your advice on friendship with the opposite gender, very, very well put!!
Thank you!
Can you also do a "popular ________ advice that we ACCEPT/AFFIRM" series too? 😊
I agree with don’t go to bed angry from a biblical stand point. Let me explain: I think you should always pray before bed, especially if you are holding bitterness in your heart. Pray about it, spend time quietly with the Lord and make sure you are handing the bitterness over before going to sleep. It has helped me with my walk with the Lord deeply to do this.
However, I don’t think an issue with your spouse has to be resolved before bed, just checking your own heart and motives with the Lord before you sleep. This has also helped me in the next day to process my emotions better and have a better grasp on the situation before talking about it with my spouse. Let God be the one to reconcile you!
No fast food restaurant is good for a date!
Exactly 😍
I want my family to like my future husband but I don't agree with if you marry someone you marry their family
loved the Jonas Brothers song Paul😂🫶🏻 one of my favs by them!
😄🙌
I think if you really can feel like you married a whole new family, that's great, but if you don't like the family, you have to let that go and concentrate on building a new family with your spouse.
Do you two even like each other? Doesn’t look like it
yeah!! totally agree! thanks for sharing your vision about this
❤️❤️
If you want to get married but you're still in school, and depend on your parents for money, so the parents have a big role to play in your life still, it could be a problem. Especially if the parents aren't Christians and have strong opinions that differ from yours and your future partner..
Interesting thoughts
Ever since having our daughters ! We have had issues with grandparents bring overlly involved ie each of us have had issues with our mother in laws. We overall get along and have great relationships with them but it's just a dynamic that's difficult to manage. You want to be greatful for these support snd help while still having your own space
Your mom's advice is SPOT ON!!!! I went to a Christian counselor about some other issues, and she didn't offer any Bible verses and gave me a secular book to read on the first appointment. I told her in the 2nd appointment that I thought we should look to scripture rather than the secular world to get us started. I could understand if it was a secondary source, but the Bible should be the primary source. She disagreed. It was the last meeting we had. I never went back.
how do you view Submit to one another in Ephesians? is that something we can do and also hold to the Head of household?
I have question, I’m not married but I wonder how you guys keep the spark alive in your marriage? especially you guys been married few years
They have not been married for many years though 😅
@@morgianasartre6709 well I mean few years, they been married for quite a while already
@@melissacalderon1515 I guess we just have different definitions of what "quite a while" means, for me it starts at least at 10 years.
Paul I thought you marry the family now I change my mind and agree with you !
😊❤️
Funny his first is BOW TO ME WOMAN...... and she CLEARLY is uncomfortable with him. I mean if we could convert her eyerolls into electricity we could power the world for decades after one video..... There should NOT be a leader it is a partnership and you are just petty and have very fragile weak masculinity if you can't be married without RULING OVER IT...... Also why ignore the anger part in the bible but not the "men be the leader" part? Sounds to me like you do not have such a "biblical marriage" after all if you are cherry picking what bits of it YOU like best.
The concept of men always leading is something I think will be a work in progress for me forever. I have a friend who is extremely organized, financial minded ect she has all these home running skills that he just doesn't. I think men and woman 100% have different roles within the marriage and home ie the husband protects the family/home. And some of thrse roles are biblical and some I think are personal to each marriage. But also you don't want the husband to say we are moving cities and the woman just have to put up with it it should be a mutual choice. It's a tricky one sometimes..
That's a really fun, happy introduction to a subject that is too often "heavy". Great stuff!
Thank you😊
It'll never cease to baffle me how gender roles and there being a leader within a marriage are viewed as something "bad", yet the stuff we see nowadays and how severely fractured marriages and relationships are, they're not looked at with any thought for concerns.
Such a sad time it is for children to live through, but with loving, good, and knowledgeable parents such as yourselves, Paul & Morgan, lil' Luca will be a man MANY ladies will chase after! :D
What is the “stuff” that is suddenly recking marriages nowadays?
@@JaneKane08 You're seriously asking me that question, when it's so blatantly obvious what's damaging a lot of marriages these days, and the divisions created between men and women, or any other divisions brought forth by the ludicrous and toxic views/political beliefs of today's world?
That's on you. Educate yourself and try to comprehend what exactly I mean by "stuff". Why are many men single or have a fear of talking to women? Why are women depressed over being alone, despite it being a choice of their own? Focusing on their careers over relationships, only to lament about themselves still being single?
Hey Paul and Morgan I love your guys videos and yet alone you guys. I don’t like that I have to make this correction but from what I know the husband is the head of the wife not the home. God is the head of the home because Marraige is just a reflection of God and the church. Likewise, the more a husand and wife grow closer to God the more they grow to closer to eachother. Moreover, God has to be the head of the house because a godly marrige is a three fold cord. A husband, a wife and God. Love you guys:)
That’s true!
I don't know why, but I can't comment on lives anymore so I need to write here to that @Emmy Alice (?) Question about a mentor:
Girl Defined just uploaded a video a few hours ago with a former gay man (dragqueen) and he speaks about this subject as well, how he found it hard to befriend himself with Christian men but that they did a great job, and helped him, just in being the men they were, so he could learn to become the masculine man he wanted to be. To him it seemed to be very clear, that mentors would be other men.
Oh cool insight! I saw they uploaded that one.
Loved the examination of bad advice. Weird water drinking asmr lol. But overall good video
I have to disagree with most of your advice. Some of my best friends are women, and we are just that.
This video is not going to age well. It already stinks. Reject research and basing actions on culture from 2 thousand years ago is a terrible idea.
Agree with Paul on the second point - It is a beautiful thing when done well-I think many Christian women want to see men step up, fulfill the responsibilities God gave them and spiritually lead their families. It’s a big job for men to love their family the way Christ loved the church - as a servant leader. That’s the kind of leadership we’re talking about when we say men are to head up the household- they’re accountable to GOD for lovingly leading the family towards Christ.
Always love hearing your thoughts 😁
😊❤️
Disagree, you Do marry the family. And I would not have it any other way. ❤ Their opinions matter too.
I respect your opinion :)
Best fast food for dates - we love Panda :P 🥡🥟
Ahhh, I am in conversations with someone that has a girl friend who is in another country. I don’t know how to feel about that hah! 🥲
Oh😕