The Birth of Codependency
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- Опубліковано 12 гру 2014
- Counselor Carl (serenityonlinetherapy.com) takes you inside the mind of Tommy, an 8-year-old boy whose father is an alcoholic, to show you the birth of codependency in the mind of a wounded child. See how Tommy's immature mind blames himself for his father's abuse and his mother's neglect, which is the birth of shame that lies at the root of codependency. Understand how Tommy comes to believe that his needs and feelings are bad, so he must be what others want him to be. Learn what environments foster codependent beliefs and behaviors in children. Counselor Carl's straight-forward teaching style makes complex concepts easy to understand. Counselor Carl is a licensed, professional counselor with 19 years of clinical experience both online and face-to-face.
I think codependents think and feel they SHOULD make relationships work all by themselves. That's quite different from feeling they CAN. There is a higher burden of responsibility and guilt in the former, that places success or failure of the relationship solely on one person. Narcissists love this type of belief in someone else, btw. They reinforce the belief and exploit it.
Interesting distinction. Still I think codependents often believe they can and should be able to make relationships work all by themselves. And, yes, these beliefs create a tremendous emotional burden for themselves.
Very painful for me to listen to, at the same time accurate.
I thank you Dr. Carl for your helpfulness.
The great Carl Jung said "There is no coming to consciousness without pain." Recovery requires skillfully working through our repressed and denied pain, so we can free ourselves from the past in order to live fully in the present. Best wishes!
@Deb Harris You're welcome! I wish you the best!
I don't even know if I count as codependent based on his 3 beliefs of codependents, but it's really painful for me to hear too.
Such a tremendous video Carl. First time in my 61 yrs. I understand the setup of my codependancy..thank you
You're welcome! Best wishes in your recovery!
This has to be the best codependency channel i have come across. Thank you Counselor
You're welcome! And thank you, Kimathi. for your kind words. Best wishes!
Little Tommy’s Words are exactly what my little Karen felt and what I’m still struggling with today. 😔
Hi Carl,
thank you very much for your video, I wish I knew it long time before, but thats ok
watching your video has revealed all the things that make me a codependent.
My late dad was left by his dad (he died) when he wasnt even born, his mother remarried, and left my da to my dad's grandmother. so he was raised by his grandmom. I think my dad was also a codependent, and therefore me too. Now I can relate all the things about my dad's childhood and then mine..and how I become an adult now. I have been living by approval of others and I have been struggling to express what I think and what I feel... I think sometimes people just dont get it, and I cannot say "no"
Now that I started to know the concept..I will try to learn to love my self, and to let go of other approval about my action and my thoughts. Thank you Carl, this is really helpful..our next generation deserve a better life, better self confidence, better relationship, so they can be whatever they want to be. Love.
Hi, Martina. You're welcome! And best wishes in your recovery!
@5:07 it's my fault that mom and dad treat me badly, then if I just find the right way to behave, they will give me the love I need.
You can't even imagine how many like literally how many times I said this to myself during my childhood.
I still remember saying this exact same line on a regular basis during my childhood. 🥺🥺🥺
Excellent video.
Thanks Counselor Carl.💙💫✨
Wow! A simple tear! To hear such freeing words to finally understand what happen, and what I need to find out about myself; the healing work to do. To carry this pain for this long is exhausting. To be lost for this long is excruciating painful! To walk the healing recovery journey; worth every baby step! Thank you for such a wonderful gift on my recovery journey!
You're welcome, Denise! I wish you the best!
In 1890, my great grand parents - two raging alcoholics, didn't notice their 2 year old daughter "fall" out of a second story window and shatter her ankle...she wore a built up shoe to make up for her messed up ankle...2 generations later, I'm still winnowing out beliefs and attitudes and habitual thoughts that are rooted in my grandmother making sense of her situation, and my mother doing the same in her childhood - tons and tons of shame and resentment...and I internalized SO MUCH garbage that I am still working to realize that aren't mine, don't serve anyone, and are death dealing. I feel like my life has been wasted.
Can’t believe I have only found this 5 years later after it’s posted. Amazing content and really helpful. Thank you so so much!
You're welcome, Caroline! Best wishes in your recovery!
For me, I knew my narcissist mother was wrong and sick in her abusive behavior at 8 years old. Of course I didn't know she was a narcissist or that I was being abused. My coping strategy was walking on egg shells and doing anything and everything to make her happy and not explode into her verbal, emotional, psychological abuse. Didn't work. I'm finally trying to heal from my codependency. These educational videos are the first step for me. Thank you, Counselor Carl.
You're welcome, Jojo! Best wishes!
How does it feels, 2021 and you still helping a lot of people. Thank you! I'm a clinical psychologist, and I'm making some "charts" in this app called "simple mind" of codependency for clients that I attend online. You explain all of this super clear and I always keep in mind to watch your videos to have a better explanation for topics. Thank you so much Counselor Carl, your input in this existence it's really necessary :)
You're welcome, Estefania!
I had never understood codependency truly untill you explained it so beautifully.
Thank you so much.
You are gifted..Respect
You're welcome, Suman! Best wishes!
Very scary to listen to but you make things very clear which is extremely helpful. I think your explanations will speed up my recovery. You really know what you're talking about. Thanks.
Hi, Maryam. I'm glad my video was helpful. I wish you the best in your recovery!
Wonderful video, very apt example for people just beginning to understand codependency and its effects on their emotional life.
Thank you! Best wishes!
Your videos are breaking me. This is explaining me. I have lived this way for decades with friends and family.
The clarity of this video for me is a life changer! Thank you!
You're welcome, Kelly!
My father left the family a few months after I was born. I don’t even remember meeting him. My mom was a bit overbearing when I was growing up but not abusive. I don’t know why I am a codependent. It even landed me in a marriage with a narcissist. I got out of the marriage and I thought it was ok. I got a new girlfriend, who is not abusive. But recently she mentioned the possibility of us not working out because we don’t know what the future holds . And that triggered panic, anxiety, despair, and needy behavior. Upon researching, I’ve found that I may be a codependent to a certain degree. But I don’t understand why.
Hi, Ricardo, there are many ways a child might develop codependent beliefs whereby he sees his own needs in a negative light and therefore comes to approach relationships by trying to meet the other person's needs even at the expense of his own self-care. For example, it is possible that growing up without a father and with a bit overbearing mom might have caused you to adapt by viewing your own needs and feelings a a burden to your single-mom mother who you viewed as overwhelmed. This is not to blame you mother but rather to understand what happened to you and how you came to approach relationship the way you do.
Ok so wow! I know the moment I realised "if I got the love I needed I could do anything". The moment I realised my parents wouldn't be giving me the love I needed....and I have been fumbling around with this the rest of my life. I also feel I may have repeated the same with my children. :-( . I have been wanting to develop a healthy relationship for the last 10 years...but still going along the co dependant road. I am looking forward to more wow moments of growth. Thanks.
Hi, Lisa. I wish you the best on your journey to healing and growth!
Tks for the vids Carl. You've just explained how I've lived my life, from a kid at 15 when my friend said to me 'doesn't your Mum like you?' to a string of failed relationships with women who after watching vids and reading up on the subject I've concluded were either NPD's or BPD's right up to the most recent one who by her own admission (after showing me hers masses of daily meds) is bi polar and abuses me on a daily basis. Yet I still want her love.. I'm 64 now, a guy from the UK, and find myself 'happily single' after somehow finding the guts to finish it with the woman before the bi polar woman, and now recently ending it with her because of her daily abuse and spitefulness. Yet I still 100% believe in my heart that if they would only listen to me I could fix them and therefore we could be happy. Why can't they see what I can see? Because I'm a Codependent, thats why.. Best wishes, Russell :-)
Best wishes in your recovery!
I just got out of an abusive relationship with someone who I suspect has Narcisstic Personality Disorder. I don't know psychology enough but I think he took advantage of my codependency and used it against me to make everything in the relationship favor him at the sacrifice of my own needs. At least it got me for the first time in my life to recognize that I am codependent and to seek help.
Thanks for sharing, Nick. Best wishes!
thank you counselor Carl... I can identify with all of this.. I am informed validated and helped greatly by this video and quite frankly all your UA-cam videos are very good and helpful
Thank you for your kind words!
Same with me.
I am glad you found the video helpful! Best wishes!
Thank you so much for just jumping in there and getting straight to the point.
You're welcome!
And soon Tommy finds out that no matter how he bends over backwards to please others...... He cannot escape their wrath.
love this video! it has helped me so much
I'm glad you found the video helpful. Best wishes!
Love it... love it... thank you so much for explaining it like this...best I've heard since explained
You're welcome, Tia! Best wishes!
I have deep sense of shame inside, feeling never good enough, I don’t deserve to have my needs met which leaves you living life in limbo.
I hate being alone at least I have a label for myself now I am a codependent.
So now you can Google recovery from codependency and learn about the path forward for your healing
Such great work!!! I love this
Thank you, Beth!
Thank you very much for this good explanation and with so well examples.
You're welcome, Larissa!
Why codependents think that they can make the relationship by themselves? Good video, thank you
Rafal Jakubek for me personally, i get in bad friendships with abusive friends and then i need to work very hard to make the friend happy, and i take all responsibility to make the relationship good. I think this may be an example of that
As a recovering Codependent, I used to take FULL responsibility for the feelings and behaviors of others. This means that when my ex-wife beat me mercilessly, I perceived it as MY fault, because I was responsible for her feelings and behaviors, in my mind.
All of this leads to the false belief that the success or failure of the relationship is 100% on my back.
It makes me feel like I'm a good person by trying fix others. That gives me value and fills my void. But the feeling is synthetic and I end up wanting to do more and more
@@kanamexzeroxyuuki ...and if you "be a good person" they will like you and not abandon.
@@1RPJacob nailed it!
Thank you so much for your clarity. Your video is so helpful.
You're welcome, Claudia! Best wishes!
i want to seek an advice because I find that all your videos are real and i can really understand what you mean. In my past relationships, it was happy only in the first stage but when time goes by I felt alone, i can"t feel the connection any more. If I start to experience that i start to have pity on myself and just run away. The same problem keeps on repeating. How i can manage the fear of abandonment and rejection in a relationship. I am not sure if only me is thinking bad about it and i can"t tolerate the pain so i just leave.
+Kumar Ravindra Well, codependents tend to feel alone in relationships because they are unable (due to shame and fear) to let their feelings and needs be part of the relationship. They put the burden of making the relationship work and the happiness of the other on themselves, and eventually that can become so exhausting that they may feel like running away.
+Counselor Carl Thank you for the reply. So what I need to do to not always repeating the same problems. I don't know how to start. I am trying but I don't know what is the cause of it and how I will deal with this things.
+Kumar Ravindra Watch my video 5 Steps to Recovery from Codependency. That night give you some direction.
+Counselor Carl I will Thank you so much
+Kumar Ravindra You're welcome!
Thanks you describe it so clear really helpful!
Thank you, and you're welcome!
Thank you counselor Carl my. God Blessings to you .
You're welcome!
this hits so deep
I think this is it. Thanks. I must, I have to, get better. I'll watch the rest as I get time. Thanks, Carl.
You're welcome! Eric. Best wishes!
Thank You.
Samuel KingDavis. You're welcome!
thank you counsellor Carl
You're welcome! Best wishes!
Thank You
You're welcome, Bethany!
Thanks for letting me find these videos
You're welcome! Best wishes!
Awesome! Always on point
Thank you! Best wishes!
Thank you
You're welcome, Christine!
Wow you are really good at explaining and am so grateful that I understand my codependency blessings
I'm glad you found my video helpful, Juliah! Best wishes!
Wow. Thank you.
You're welcome!
This makes me cry
Ian, I hope in a good way.
When you leave THE TRUE YOU to become THE ONE YOU THINK YOU SHOULD BE
Thank You Thank you!! God Bleess
You're welcome, MIke!
Respect ❤️
Magical thinking... pretty accurate
Very good, would like to unravel all my wrong thinking and beliefs.
Hi, Gina. Best wishes on your journey through recovery!
With me it was knowing they were fake and then being alone at night and what if they are real
If you could have described my childhood any better I would say YOU where the fly on the wall.. opposite for my. My mom was the alcohol and my dad was always gone to cope.. I also watched some pretty traumatizing scary movies as a 6 year old girl that literally had me afraid of my own home and I always had to have lights on. My brain really doesn’t know how to decipher what’s real and what’s fake
Hi, Danaka. I recommend you view my Playlist of videos on Mindfulness to help you separate "past programming" from "present reality." I wish you the best. Here is the link: ua-cam.com/play/PL_wjG-62KkusrRNsHeH_E0x9dux8c6eBp.html
I think I am codependent but I’m trying to figure out why. I am coming to terms with the fact that my parents arnt perfect people. I grew up with my dad having anger issues and yelling at my mom and us all the time. My mom also has seizures and for 10 years was depressed and anxious and both my parents would deny their own mental health issues as well as ours saying it was “normal” and a part of life. (Even when we where crying every day or suicidal) could this denial in my childhood be a reason for why I developed this thought pattern? I consider myself to have a happy childhood with relative happiness and peace even if what I said doesn’t sound too happy.
Hi, Wolfgang. Any time a child's needs are not met by troubled parents, for whatever reason, the child runs the risk of developing shame and thus seeing their needs, feelings, and opinions in a negative light. As a consequence, they can become a people pleasing, self-denying codependent as a way to try to get love and acceptance.
Thanks Carl,My Story is the same as that of tommy. I hate my parents
Naveen Drall. You're welcome. Try to use your anger to heal yourself rather become stuck feeling like a victim (even though you may have been victimized).
I think i have codependency but i also feel the person with whom iam in relationship also has codependency because he wants constant care and behaves emotionally and also gets depressed if i doesnt talk or say even a word bad, i needed to study but he doesnt let me study and wants me to take care of him , he doesnt take care of himself? Please help is this codependency? I have codependency in my relation with my parents and he has codependency in his relation with me
What you are describing with you relationship partner sounds more like dependency rather than codependency. I suggest googling "the difference between dependency and codependency. They definitely are not the same thing.
I'm like Tommy
Hi Carl. Your website is down but I would like to contact you.
HI, Chris. Thanks for the heads up. My website should be back up now.
Hi Carl. Yes, it is. I have completed your online form. Thanks.
Years ago a counsellor talked to me about codependency. I didn't understand it then. I've watched 2 of your videos and I am beginning to feel like it makes sense. But I am puzzled as to why they call it codependency? The 'co' suggests something that happens between at least two people. You may not know, but I thought I would ask, as I think the language used was what stumped me back then, It seems one person can be codependent entirely by themselves!
Hi, VB. This video will answer your question: ua-cam.com/video/Uclx3VuNs-g/v-deo.html.
i HopE HElps Cause IT Hurts. thank you. P.S Simple Direct MessaGE The BeST. hope i have time to see more like IT.
Check out my playlist of videos about codependency. Best wishes!
I know I'm to the point where I'm ready to give up and divorce my wife, all my decisions are based around if she'll approve and stuff, I'm so stressed put and aggravated I can't even put it into words much less explain it to her, I'm ready to just give up and walk out, I'm miserable
Best wishes on your journey to your True Self.