Learning to Be Angry
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- Опубліковано 10 лют 2025
- It can seem as though we all need to learn to be less angry - and that no one has any problem raising their voice and getting their opinions across. The truth is more nuanced. A sizeable number of us suffer from shyness about expressing our real needs and our true aspirations - and thereby do ourselves and others a disservice. A short film which guides us to the need to speak up when we need to.
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“There are many reasons to believe that one of the dominant problems in the world today is an excess of anger. We know all about the very shouty and their antics: their tantrums, their lack of reason, their unwillingness to compromise. Furthermore, it threatens to get a lot worse; we seem locked into a set of dynamics (political, technological, environmental) which promises an ever less patient, ever less serene and ever less forgiving future.But it may be rather more realistic, albeit odd sounding, to insist on the very opposite: that whatever the impression generated by a publically vocal angry cohort, the far more common yet (by nature) invisible problem is a contrary tendency, a widespread inability to get angry, a failure to know how rightly and effectively to mount a complaint, an inarticulate swallowing of frustration - and the bitterness, subterranean ‘acting out’ and low-level depression that follow from not allowing any of our rightful sorrows to find expression. For every one person who shouts too loudly, there are at least twenty who have unfairly lost their voice....”
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CREDITS
Produced in collaboration with:
Nick Hilditch
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Title animation produced in collaboration with
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I wake up angry every day. The slightest thing sends the rage skyrocketing. It is exhausting. Meds help, but I feel lost and stupid and ridiculous.
I spend most of my time avoiding anger but it always spills out in a rage eventually, usually say and do things I regret after.
Very bad.
Please fix the mic settings it's too much sssss tinny like. Makes me angry when sound is bad in speech and music
i see the injustices of our world in everything that happens around us. in the family, at work, at the supermarket, on the radio, on youtube.... everywhere. it's difficult not to be angry, altho i don't actively think about it if i can help it.
humans are trash but we have potential to be good. i try to focus on the potential.
"For every one person who shouts too loudly there are at least twenty who have unfairly lost their voice" I can relate so much
Same
Can u understand this statement i don't get it
@@MrSunfIower Many people endure everything in order to please others. The problem is that they don't trust their own decisions, so they need to rely on somone with a higher authority who forces them to obey in order to not be responsible for themselves. When somebody questions this system of authority the devote types see their well arranged reality in danger. Now they start to quietly fight, they sabotage and poison the "intruder" regardless of the points being made.
Too loud!
I have never gotten angry in 19 years. I physically cannot, I just cry when trying to get angry which defeats the purpose lol
It's my hope that you will find the balance. After decades of suppressing anger I learned how to voice my feelings. Fewer friends, better life. Sadly, I lost the ability to cry tears. I didn't even know such a thing was possible. I wish you well.
Same
Ditto
Ugh I do the same: I’m not sad and I’m angry and this is undermining my point! 😭
Same, and then eventually I broke through my anger ceiling and was angry for an entire year straight (I guess to catch up???) I'm 30 and just now starting to cool off from it
my parents call me calm. my friends call me kind. i call myself a pushover. i don't know how to get angry. i never stood my stance before. i never outright tell someone that i don't like what they are doing to me, that they're making me angry, resulting in me being passive aggressive. it's a trait that i really hate.
Taking a stand and getting angry are different things. You need not to get angry in taking taking a stand. But sometimes it can happen, but, not everytime. You have to identify what things getting angry on is worth it.
same
Same here...I have just found my voice and it is the most liberating things I have ever felt and you know what I'm still nice I just love me more and see myself as my best friend. Some day you'll find it too and hopefully very soon 🙂 best of luck
@@rashasalim1259 thank you!
It's a wonderful thing to be able to express things we were programed at a young age to silence. Part of it is to not really 'have to have' that other person's approval. As a senior citizen I've finally found my voice. Fewer "friends" ... Better life. Dr Ramani, Richard Gannon, Sam Vaknin, Mel Robbins, all helped. UA-cam is a Best friend now. 😉 Good luck. You can do it! 👍💫💐
It's not about being angry at one person. It's about feeling anger and being able to articulate exactly what is the bother, what part of the situation feels wrong and use that reformative energy to change things for the better.
You are angry when you know things could be better, but they are not. For those things that are beyond hope you just feel very sad.
@Georgiana Bere yes you are sooooo right!
Well said
THANK YOU 👏
Yes! The last two sentences are so true. I can't tell you how many times I've been "angry" at someone/thing for years and then I realize "oh, that thing isn't going to change" and what follows is grief and sadness.
I Have Adhd ... When i Get Angry I Feel Anger Fury And Rage one Time A Boy Punch Me And I Stared Getting Out Of Control Aka RAGE ! So I Hit Him So Hard That His lip Started Bleeding You Know Why? Becasue i Had To Defend My Myself.... i Dont know Why i Roar When Am Too Angry But When Am Just Angry i dont Roar But Yea.
My therapist told me that anger is a "beautiful" emotion and I am learning to access anger, but until not long ago I was always very very very nice with everyone and people walked over me in my family, at work, relationships. I did not give me the permission to be angry. Now is helping me a lot to get angry to and say it, but sometimes I cannot control my anger and I become a bit violent. I kept anger for all my life until two years ago when I was 28.
Yeah, it becomes explosive. Mix it with substance abuse and you are a powder keg.
You dont have to show anger to defend your position strongly. The key is feeling the anger but mentally controlling it so you don't involuntarily react.
Francois Schollaert violent? I’m sure that wasn’t the therapist advice.
Courage François ça va le faire!
not everyone has to Let go of anger...,we can own it, embrace it. Because it can be a gift.
All of our emotions should be allowed and given the space to exists, it's one of the most important and healthy things that we can do.
I've resently rewatched Inside Out and it really stimulated me to think so.
I partly agree, but there are healthy way to canalize them and unhealthy ones that might hurt one or other people.
@@Damiaen. no....if you gotta kill you gotta kill
@@botis765 ya serious m8?
Surpressed/trapped emotions is probably the worse situation one can have
damn, I use to think my self-control was a strength now I see I was just putting everyone else's needs before my own. Whoever is behind these videos thank you. I will embrace my feelings even angry.
I don’t remember who said the quote, but “You shouldn’t light yourself on fire to keep others warm.” There’s a reason you’re instructed on a plane to put your oxygen mask on first. If you run out of oxygen, you can’t help anyone else with their oxygen mask. You can’t help anyone if you’re dead
For me it was the indoctrination of christianity. Be selfless, willing to sacrifice it all, be humble, be selfless, all that jargon. While for many religion may be a reprieve from reality, for me it was my mental padded prison.
*Summary of every School of Life video: It starts from childhood*
Oh but it does, most of the time, if not all.
Thats because we start from childhood .
Also it’s your parents’ fault
Doesnt it all?
@@andrewgutmann9432 it's not their fault, but they're rather the cause
This rings deep for me. I never voiced my dissatisfaction with a relationship because i told myself surely, they must have a reason that I do not understand for doing things and if I tolerate it will improve... But nah they were just walking all over me taking advantage of my naiveness and i regret not speaking up earlier
Me too, always tried to find excuse for other people and blaming myself for their faults.
I'm slowly waking up.
It's exactly like this for me too, sometimes even fear of being seen as "too difficult" I try to put myself in the other person's shoes and see their point of view, but as you say sometimes they're just terrible people who like to take advantage of those of us who are too nice
I think most that are sensitive to others and care/want to be "nice", fall into this belief that others think like us. Nature in all forms is filled with predator and prey. You can still be nice and speak up, just remember the words of Maya Angelou when she said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.".
Speaking up changed my outer world. Assertion not aggression. Now everyone and everything stands in line. It is a learned skill. Warmly recommend it ☺
I need to reread that... Lots of times
“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.”
― Joe Klaas
Lemon Pharrell Williams
- Bring Me The Horizon
Indeed. Growing up in our home we were ‘not allowed ‘ to express anger or boredom.
Big trouble for ‘ungrateful spoiled children ‘ resulted.
Is this how you create white privilege?
This was my childhood as well. Unfortunately, I repressed all that anger and turned it on myself. Now as an adult, I'm learning how to let it out in a healthy way.
@@christopherk6859 Maybe? My family encouraged us to feel our anger and I certainly never had a privilege for being White.
There needs to be more videos on this topic, I have struggled with it for years.
In fact, there is a lot already
Thx Alain, lov u
me too, it's crippling
@@PrincipeRhoynar Really? What are some other videos like this?
there are many videos on how to control anger but on this topic there are no videos . My anger turns to sadness as I cant express it. Many cant even consider that its a serious problem
I'm envious of my boyfriend who gets angry over things at the time, then he's over it for good.
Meanwhile, I'm usually calm in the moment but keep thinking about it for a long time afterwards, even months later it'll be in my mind again.
I also don't have an in-between anger state. When I can't stay calm and my anger busts through, it's devastating.
I'm kind of like you. I don't know if this is the right thing to say, but maybe you get more out of it than he does. More often than not, I'm only struck by a feeling of uneasiness with whatever when it's happening. Then after it's over, I think, "Why didn't I like that," or "What about it made me feel uneasy" for the next few days or so. I think I gain a deeper understanding of how I work by mulling it over. Although, I have the problem of then trying to figure out how I should navigate or handle it better. Too much I place the burden of it on me.
I really don't think there is anything wrong with saying even three or more days later, "You know that thing the other day? It really upset me." At least for me, I need to figure out how to not carry it alone. Don't beat yourself up for not being aware in the moment. That might be an asset. Just figure out what to do with it when you are aware.
@@GoopBlue I am somewhat the same.. the thing that bothers me most is, that at the time something happens I simply don't notice it. F. e. my girlfriends uncle once tried to get in a fight with me and I would have loved to teach him a lesson but during the "conversation" I didn't feel any anger at all. Only after I got in the car I felt anger so deep that I stayed the whole night awake because of it.
It doesn't happen often but when it does I am more angry at myself that I didn't react the way I wanted to or "should have reacted" rather than being pissed at the other person.
@Jixzl my bf compensates a lot through anger. It's his go-to emotion and I envy him for it because it's powerful. I tend to get sad more which isn't powerful but weak.
I tend to oppress my anger feelings until they break out and I insult a lot (i am working on it). I would love to be able to express my anger in a healthy, direct but "fair" way.
As a recently recovering human doormat, I find it's important to realize that there's different forms of anger. Irritation is anger light and rage is anger extra. Rage is (as far as I can tell) the only form of anger that is truly unhealthy.
I used to get embarrassed when my partner made a scene. For sure there are wrong ways to insist on something but I've realized that always avoiding escalation (even with strangers) is not necessarily a virtue.
I'm working on the ability to escalate verbally. It's been extremely difficult - I've never yelled and traditionally I've always escalated in other ways or shut down.
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”
― Phyllis Diller
Holy shit I needed this
I like this
I say, "Go to sleep, you can fight tomorrow."
@@CelticVictory hahahaha true
this just hits too close to home. i'm 23 years old and i'm just now starting to learn to express anger. i've always felt kind of jealous of people who act out, although i know it's not that productive and sometimes even destructive, but having supressed rage isn't a great feeling either. supressed anger is the kind of thing that turns people into ticking bombs, and it's kind of scary to feel it and be afraid that one day you'll lash out and do things you regret. it really sums it up, that anger makes me scared, and it only gets worse the more you build up.
in a way i'm lucky to be in a dysfunctional relationship, sounds weird, but it feels good to feel comfortable enough to be angry
I'd say you're lucky to recognize you're in a dysfunctional relationship. At 23 you have time to get out unless by some ultra miracle the relationship can actually be transformed into healthy. Good luck. I wish you well.
I understand you completely, first time I was able to express anger was when I realised I'm in disfunctional relationship and have nothing left to loose so I began standing up for myself.
I only wish this could function at work place too but it doesn't, for now... I am standing up for myself, but everyone hates me now... 😥
@@thatahamoment497 I have no other suggestion that you can stand up for yourself with humor and tact, if thats not possible realize youre in the ghetto and have to decide how to deal with that. Ghetto doesn`t mean bad people, it means that whatever it is, you can`t help. Maybe you know in twenty years, maybe you know that you are silly stupid, maybe you know then that you couldn`t change anything. You know? Maybe dig up some entrepreneurial spirit etc
Being praised for being an easy-going / undemanding child can lead children to dampen their primal feelings and that 'spark of feeling alive' the narrator spoke abt. Easily becomes a push-over.
Learning to be angry doesn't mean learning to shout, etc, but knowing when ppl are stepping on your boundaries and raising attention to that violation. And advocating a better outcome for yourself.
“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
― Buddha
thanks for such a good quote, that's really good for this video! well done
Great analogy! You can use this to your advantage when experiencing anger. Thank you.🖤
I"m pretty sure Buddha didn't say this... But it's still pretty good.
and what's better than throwing it at them is to put it between the two of you and explain to them why it's there
You indian... I am
This might just be a sign from the universe, ladies and gentlemen. I know it is, for me. I have had such a HORRIBLE relationship with anger. That's the only emotion I feel completely helpless towards.
I'm so grateful for you 'School of Life'💞
You caught me.🤐Never visiting unknown channel again.🙌
I hear you..it's a demon that becomes very hard to tame
,@Niyah meaning you suppress or over express it?
@@firstladyqueen5985 Actually, when I'm angry, I feel the extreme need to vent it out physically. When I do that, my anger diminishes to some extent. And since, I can't always do that...AND since I don't want to appear vulnerable..It is suppressed. But the bad relationship is due to the fact that I don't know how to handle it. Sometimes it gets so extreme that it transitions into crying.
Always have been afraid of the anger of other people. But I noticed that it doean't hurt/break relationships as I always thought. I started to apreciate people being able to express it. Now I am learning it myself. Still working on avoiding to suppress little bits of anger but to express them. But I still burst out and that is what really hurts relationships
This video is important and one of the only of its kind I've found on UA-cam. Being able to express anger, like any emotion, should be valued. Otherwise the anger will still be there, but only on the inside.
OMG yes. I’m glad you made this video. It took me years to get angry. I would always just become depressed instead because I was too afraid of becoming angry. Now that I allow myself to get angry I have better mental health and People doesn’t walk all over me cause I have more confidence to say what I’m feeling
The Italians say, "Tanto buon che val niente” - so good that he is good for nothing
I need to put this up on my wall so that I can remind myself to not be good always.
Interesting but how does that relate to the video?
Omgggg
I say this: if you have constantly problems with your family or your partner it is best to break away from them, very often we forgot that life is supposed to be calm and lived in freedom, not constantly monitored and judged.
This comment is everything!!!
I don't agree life is supposed to be calm all the time. Mother Nature can get to us just as much as our fellow humans. We are always dodging bullets. We are built to adapt. But 8 do agree, there needs to be a point where you extract yourself from a bad situation as the only way forward. It shouldn't be your first line of defense though, especially with family.
Calmness does not mean passivity, however, and problems are a part of life. However, it is possible to have arguments that come from an innate quality of peace. Your internal soul should be peaceful. It doesn't mean the outside world will be so too. To depend on the outside world to provide you with peace is never going to work. Buddhism and Hinduism and other oriental philosophers in between, again and again, remind us that inside we have peace, even when we need to put our foot down or fight. A warrior is made great only when he is steady and peaceful inside. It doesn't mean he's not in the middle of external war.
@@thejato Very well explained.. thank you!
Yassssss!!
One thing prevents me from ever being angry is that, I'm just too afraid of the consequences--the aftermath that follows. I can't, and I don't want to have enemies. I don't want to hurt others if I get angry with them (even if they hurt me in the first place). The looming feeling of bad blood and grudge is too much. For me, I have to simply concede to keep steady--deflate silently so as to not burst.
Maybe it's a bad trait as now that I'm awakening from this mishaps of a belief.
I had the same perspective in my adolescence. You can't be good with everyone though. At a point you just have to be true to you no matter what!
Well, as many others here I've been in a sort of abusive relationship. It couldn't stand up for myself, so much that I eventually began to fear him. I was emotionally completely unable to tell him off, because I was either afraid of being abandoned or convinced that he was better than me, so he always had to be right and I always had to be wrong.
I just recently started to learn how to express anger, and Holy shit it's hard, last time I told my mother to stop yelling at me because I wasn't the reason we got lost my heart was beating so fast I thought it was about to explode.
But even though it's hard, I want to do it, because I owe it to myself. Others aren't better than me, it's not about value. I am, you are, we are entitled to our own opinion, we have every right to defend it, and others must respect us as much as we're willing to respect them !
Any advice for me?
Had I never forced myself to speak up as a child, I would never had come close to the person I am today (given cirumstances)- and I'm greatful. It is important to know when anger is appropriate.
@blueseaview 22 all?
Tbh when people tell me to chill when I'm angry, it makes me even more pissed
Love In The Midst What?
Covid. Shutting down the world for a worldwide fascist dictatorship.
That’s what I’m angry about aren’t you?
@@loveinthemidst5841 Nah m8
I'm more mad that we can't do anything to help the forced censorship in China without a looooot of innocent casualties. Like fuck the pandemic am i right? But not our grandparents and sweet elders that suffer from us not having the self discipline to soci8al distance, get vaccinated, or wear a simple fucking mask. Pisses me off to no end that my parents didn't get to see the graduation they talked to me about when I was a child. How could they join the online gradiation? I moved out and they didn't even know how to search up videos on UA-cam...
@@loveinthemidst5841 My point is, even if it's a scamdemic, at least get vaccinated or wear you mask. At least you don't have to do it at your fulltime job with a stuffy nose on a summer day...
It. Sucks. Ass.
@@thatonellamawhoissoobsesse8138
If it’s a scam wear a muzzle and get jabbed with poison anyway?
No way!
Thanks!
I was in a rather posh department store when a four-year-old girl started throwing a tantrum. The Floor Manager, who was a very tall man with a military moustache, walked over to the child and demanded "Are you angry?"
The child yelled "Yes!" and stamped her foot.
The Floor Manager yelled "Well, I'm angry, too!" and stamped his foot.
The child stopped yelling immediately, and took her mother's hand, just in case.
Bad Parenting:
"I don't wanna hear it!"
"Go to your room!"
"I don't care!"
"Shut up!"
"Don't you dare yell in my house!"
Good parenting:
[Breathe...]
"Ok, what's going on? You seem like you're hurting from something and I wanna help. Talk to me..."
[Kid raising his voice/bad tone/VENTING]
Parent:. "I'm so sorry you're feeling this way so please tell me what you need me to do in order to help you through this."
Sometimes they need to go to their room to calm down enough to talk through the problem
❤️♥️💖 Have you trained in ConsciousDiscipline.com? I was introduced to it 7 years ago and wish everyone around children learned and used it. Keep up the good work! As always, I wish you well.
That's helpful
@@jeniwatkins3297
Sometimes they simply need to vent and we simply need to be strong enough for them, and listen.
@@goodintentions1302
I've actually never heard of it. I was speaking from what my kids have taught me. Kids are the greatest teachers on how to parent, if one is willing to listen. I'll check out the site. Ty!💖💖💖
What's important is to allow yourself to FEEL anger. Let it course and ripple through your whole body. And then speak your piece in a factual manner. And NEVER EVER allow anyone to challenge your right to be angry. That's what I've learned. I don't get angry for no reason. I always have a valid and rationale reason. I used to think that masking my emotions made me stronger but it doesn't. It gets suppressed and it causes high blood pressure and made me angry inside.
Have you heard that joke about anger?
No?
But it’s all the rage!
😂😂😂
😑🤣🤣🤣
*_w h e e z e_*
It’s called “assertiveness”.
I completely suck at it
Assertiveness and aggression are two separate things. Unfortunately, when we haven't been assertive, Then get pushed over the line we become aggressive which is from anger. So many are silenced as children that expressing assertiveness is an extremely difficult thing to learn.
Sophie Vasiliadis doesn’t mean you can’t try harder or simply more often. There is always room from improvement even for those who are inherently assertive. Just being aware that one is not assertive is a start.
Personally, I am quite passive and can relate to not being very assertive as well:)
Anger and assertiveness are two different things. If I ask for no basil in my pasta dish and they give me basil, I might get angry and take it out on the server. If I politely point out this is not what I requested and ask that a new pasta dish be made immediately the way I requested, that's assertive. If I say do nothing and simply pluck out the basil, I'm a doormat.
Dark Feather I agree with you:)
I feel that assertiveness is a way of channeling our anger to ensure others know what we are thinking and an attempt to make sure our needs can be met. Without being assertive, anger can be harmful to the self if one is repressing emotion. Assertiveness is a tool to release anger without causing harm to ourselves or those around us.
I've really hurted my self respect. Whenever people hurt me and makes fun of me, I try to control my anger, I try to calm down and laugh it off because I want to stay at peace. I don't want any useless disputes but I hurted my own self respect by not getting angry, by not telling them to stop what they are doing . Now everyone makes fun of me even more Now I realised that I should respect myself and stop taking jokes on myself. You should get angry when you feel that someone is bringing you down.
True.This is exactly what's happening in my life. Even I have feelings. People just consider that I just forget their jokes. But there is something called self respect . My anger bounces back as sadness. I just mask up my emotion into a smile but deep inside I am deeply hurt. I just want to shout but I dont know why I cant. I dont know why but I am like that since childhood. Most of the time I just want to sit sit alone all to myself.
I used to get frustrated but I realised that I was only wearing myself down because the people causing the frustration didn’t care about what they were doing. I turned my back on everyone who explored my good nature and cut them off. So now I just focus on what I need to do and I don’t care about anyone else. I have enough going on to deal with, I cannot be annoyed taking on the issues of others.
I still show compassion to those who truly need it.
As the song goes: “You gotta scream and shout, and let it all out”
Exactly!
Emotional abuse really messes with your anger. I need to know how to unlearn what I learned when I get emotional.
the danger of those who’ve never shouted is that they might, in compensation, end up screaming
I got angry a lot when I was a kid then reigned it in around high-school because I became self aware. I also experienced depression during high school and that "helped" dampen my emotions a lot. I have a big memory loss problem stemming from my depression. My emotions became so damped that I had to relearn them again.
I think I've become a mellow person, but dealing with anger is still hard for me. I try to explode in private, but it always has to reach the point of exploding.
Dido. 😪
im so sorry to hear your experiences.. accepting emotions especially anger is hard. me, myself, has been dealing with anger too recently. im not a professional here but i try to learn to express my anger in exercise. i exercise a lot these days, especially on the days when i feel consumed by my rage towards people in my house. exercise helps a lot.
i hope this tip will help you. xoxo
@@natashalee8331 I can't say If my parents taught me how to deal with anger properly bc I remember little but I remember just throwing tantrums sometimes. I never got angry to the point I got hit but I got hit in different situations like having low grades.
I wish I could use exercise to express anger but I don't feel anger most of the time. I just let things go and don't feel when things build up. I just get really sporadically like I don't know what little thing would tip me off.
Thanks. I need this.
Anger is great. Many people confuse anger with violence tho, unfortunately.
I go through this daily, all the time.But once I understand anger is a part of our emotion I have let myself be angry, rather than dismiss that feeling/emotion altogether.
This really is free therapy. Thank you, I always feel heard, even though I've never even spoken a word. You guys are the Fred Rogers of this generation
This channel is so good at explaining how to manage emotions, relationships, and communicate what you are feeling and just justifying you, that I am going to tell my children about it and help them learn about life in a way that I never had a chance to. Great job guys, just great job!!
This video has the greatest timing. I've been struggling with accessing my anger. I dont know how to go about it in a way that makes me feel comfortable. I'm still learning.
And when I thought I was the only one who doesn't get angry, there are people like me out there?? *Mindblown*
This is exactly what I'm talking to my therapist about... Being angry is hard
BUT....An angry female is cute!
@@nikereebokpuma3406 Fuck! They are horrible.
Thanks a lot! been thinking about this for a while and i am really trying to give myself room and allow my anger to come into my conscious, and not stay subconscious. I will rewatch this and hopefully it can help me make the anger more clear and make me accept it, aswell as increase my chances of expressing it at the right time, in the right way in the future. much love
Getting older I find I complain more often, a lot of it about trivial things, just because I'm grumpier than I was as a younger person. Part of this perhaps is having suppressed so much over all the years in the effort not to upset others, or not really ever having learned to communicate well.
Same!
I liked the video before it even started! This is just what I needed🤭
It sucks having to *breathe* everyone someone makes a dumb move.. having to inhale the bull yet exhale kindness and understanding, I despise myself for not being able to show my anger when being stepped on.😭
I never knew how to get angry. As a child, I'd see my dad going nuts, but he just used to scowl, yell a bit, and go silent for a while to cool down. Anger never came naturally to me, and I ended up becoming the guy who just takes everyone's dickish behaviour in my stride. Eventually I got married, and she had a radically different approach to anger than I did. About a year after we got married, and several minor disagreements later, I've finally begun to speak up. Anger to me is no longer repulsive, and hopefully it won't become my go-to reaction. Here's to all of you who couldn't figure out how to get angry. May the angry gods bless you with the ability. Cheers!
Growing up, I was never allowed to express any emotions of anger(nor sadness for that matter). My parents wouldn’t take it. I was always calm and kind and easy to talk to at school.
When I left my family, and started relationships, where I felt I could express my emotions more, I exploded. It was like a rusted pipe that had been packed with water for over twenty years and the faucet suddenly budged open, letting out all the pressure from within. Ive been struggling to control this for years, but feel it’s justifiable considering the amount of time I spent with my emotions buried in.
This is life saving!! I’ve always felt I’m not allowed to be angry.. from childhood I’ve been told to be quite and learnt to survive by staying quite. I have learnt people will not treat you the way you treat them. All people are NOT kind or good. At 43yrs I have depression because I have no voice. It’s ok to speak your mind.
“ Paradoxically, good behavior is usually a precursor of bad feelings, and in extremes mental un-wellness, in adulthood. Feeling loved enough that one can dare to tell parents to sod off and occasionally fling something (soft) across the room belongs to health; truly mature parents have rules but they also allow their children (sometimes) to break them. Otherwise, there can be a species of inner deadness that comes from having had to be too good too soon and to resign one’s point of view without a flicker of self-defense.”
Anger is a gift.
"You can tell the greatness of a man by what angers him".
Anger at brutality:- Great! 👍
Anger because a snowflake melted:- not so much 👎
What you get angry at is a great indicator of where you are in terms of your personal development and judgement.
Guess I'm the only one who knows how to express my anger. Bereavement, PTSD, depression, work & relationship stress, and LOTS of therapy will get you there!
Upon reflection, I think what I do is choose my battles. I overlook the things that I can, then when something that really rattles my cage comes, I process my thoughts and feelings about the issue for some time - maybe hours, sometimes a couple of days - then if I still feel the same way about the issue, I'll either speak up about it, or walk away completely from that person/situation.
It helps to write your thoughts down as well, so when you read it, it almost gives you an objective stand-point. Many times I've read what I wrote and thought how silly I was to be feeling that way! But silly or not, it helps to get it out and not pent things up.
Loved the phrase, "The goal is to learn to protest in a firm but self-possessed way ... "
Be angry if you must but know how to be gentle
1. We need videos on how to raise children to express anger healthfully and not overcompensate by letting them get out of hand with their anger. As in throwing things every time they don't get their way.
2. We also need videos helping those who feel unsafe to express their anger. Even if the fear isn't rational and how to tell the differemce between rational & unnecessary fear of being angry.
I'm passive by nature, but through reading have understood the value of using a form of anger that does not affect my tranquility but still puts people 'in their place' when needed.
Been feeling something like this for a long time. Leave it to SoL to put it into words! I grew up think not letting my negative emotions get to me as a virtue, and as a consequence supressed them. Slowly figuring out how to let myself experience these emotions in earnest, though sometimes difficult, is very rewarding.
I used to internalize anger as a child and take it out on people outside my home situation the older I got. It wasn’t until I started getting bad reactions to my fits of anger that I started to realize I had a problem. Then I went the other extreme. I became a pushover and found myself never feeling heard and suppressing my feelings. Now I find myself trying to find the happy best balance of both. This video helps. Thank you.
I always thought that to be a kind person I should be quite and I should put myself in other people’s place, especially my parents, however, if I think about it now actually it is unhealthy to consider all other people’s point of views and ignore my own thoughts.
Anger is powerful. It’s like a weapon to be used.
It is difficult for me to get angry. I always take into consideration other ppl that I might offend or hurt. Sometimes, it is a problem because I cannot voice out how I feel or what is bothering me. Being able to release the anger and disappointment properly is important. It is my goal to be more assertive in my relationships and be able to express what I feel more frequently.
Same here, you're not alone. Sometimes I find my voice but then I lose it again because of fear. It takes years of practice to learn to stand up for yourself in every occasion that is hurting you. Keep up sis🙏
My anger goes up from 0 to 100 but once it gets there it falls dramatically and molds into a depression. Perhaps because when I wanted to express it no one cared and I couldn't do anything about it.
In my experience, there are some types of anger so profound that they can only be expressed on your way out the door. So if you’re in a position where you can’t leave, you are forced to hold it in until you can. For example anger over family lies that are so deeply embedded that they will destroy the family if exposed, and thus can only be exposed when leaving the family.
You are so right about this one. My worst episodes have been after been treated unfairly by my boss. Repressing my anger and frustration creates an inmediate feeling of guilt, self-doubt and anxiety. Oddly enough, I can express anger in other situations, but against figures of authority I freeze. I’m working on it. These moments are opportunities to assert my points and express frustration. My therapist was so focus on that for most of our time together. Guess what, my mother guilt and shame my way into become a good boy. It is lore in my family about how around the ages of 4-6 I passed from been a rascal to become the best student and son a mother can wish. I was always sick without knowing it, with my coping mechanisms protecting me. When they started to fall, I got the first episodes. It took a long time to put the pieces together.
I can really relate to this. When I was a child, I was thought to be a 'people pleaser'. As I grew up, most of the time I can't express my anger to adults whenever they will wronged me. As a result, I always hold back to my anger and it frustrates me.
Dude please reply to me please. I have the same case did you overcome it?
@@Zaydi32 Hi. I can't say that I overcome it completely. Until now, I can't avoid saying "sorry" even for small mistakes whenever I'm in front of other people. And the courage to say "no" when they are asking for favors is not that easy too. Right now, I've been learning to be patient and muster up my tolerance for other people. In simple words, I adapted the perspective of not caring too much about people or things that will do me no good. The 'people pleaser' thing is still there but because I have the mindset of not caring too much, I can prevent myself from submitting to them easily or from putting them first before myself.
@@sutoroberikayii thanks bro, good luck
I'm learning pathokinesis so this helps
I think I like the underlying message, but I don't agree on the terminology. I think anger is a spontanous, emotional state that has to be taken seriously but not instantly lived out. I think it is important to examine the reasons for anger and then firmly standing up for oneself.
I don't think an adult person should scream and/or shout out of anger, I think we should firmly stand up for ourselves.
And I don't think the volume but the seriousness of our voice is important. Excuse me, but you are ruining my life is not what I would recommend to say, I would rather recommend saying "This is how you make me feel and I am neither willing nor going to tolerate it." This requires one to be in a position, where one can actually choose an alternative and live with the consequences. But I think it is the most useful and mature way of dealing with problems and it should be used instantly when a boundary is being crossed. That way a lot of fighting and miscommunication can be prevented. If no boundary is crossed it should be said: I have a problem with that and I want to discuss it.
I might be wrong with this but I think this is the right way of dealing with these issues so I am striving for executing it to the best of my abilities. Sadly that isn't as good as I would like it to be but I think the strategy is right and I am lacking in execution.
Now that I have finished this comment I am not sure if I was reflecting on my thoughts or actually wanted to express my opninion and whether or not this opinion is of any interest for anyone but me. You are welcome to tell me, if my thoughts are of any use to you or if you want to correct me or if you just think my thoughts have not been worth the time reading them, even though in that case they would probably not be worth the time responing to them.
I haven't even gotten through the first minute of the video. I tend to come to comments first. It sounds to me like you are on a VERY good path. The problem for many is having been squelched as children, it's hard to speak up, or even recognize we should have spoken up until after the fact. The longer we don't speak up, the harder it becomes. I gut tells me you're somebody who'd be a natural in using the program consciousdiscipline.com. As always, I wish you well.
If the rest of your life is being ruined, do you think "Excuse me, I don't like it", is going to be effective? F'dat!
We are still as adults living in a world where defending yourself or someone else results in being chastised for your “tone”. Which is just a way for manipulative people to get you to shut up.
I wish I had enough self worth to be angry when someone wrongs me
learn rhetorics skills and love instead and buy a punching bag. I`d advice to truly finish your fantasies until you reach the point where you see you dont wanna be any of that because it just leads nowhere you want to be. my two cents. It does help a lot to scratch the itch tho, hence the punching bag. Or build a good one lol. In any case you really just need a working role modell.
I've only recently really internalized that I'm not wrong to be angry, and it's been very freeing. knowing that i should be angry sometimes has actually cut down my tendency to lash out at people who don't deserve it, because i used to just bottle everything until i exploded. still working on how to properly channel my anger
I really struggle with being angry. I usually try my best at keeping anger inside in the hope that the other person will notice how he is being an idiot. When I finally decide to speak up, I already kept so much inside that everything comes out at once, letting the other shocked by the intensity of my reaction. I already lost some friends because of that behavior pattern. Really difficult to change!
So much anger in the world currently... may god bless you all 🙏
I don't know how to be angry, when I try to be angry, I start shaking violently and then few seconds later, I just cry.
But I do tell my kids that being angry is ok, that it is also an emotion that need to be expressed
Anger is not ugly or beautiful. It points out something is wrong. You need to take care of it. Anger is also a cover emotion, the real emotion is what lays under the anger.
Come live in Paris,you'll soon learn what anger is and how to freely release that emotion! City of love maybe, but not only 🖤
What do you mean?
I felt it so much. In 19 years of my life I couldn't feel any anger, I didn't even find a way to take it all out my chest. Friends, family, relationships, I haven't been able to confront and feel anger because I tought I was going to hurt them and in the end I just end up hutring myself. Thats tough.
Mood
Some "controversial" guy I know wrote about this in his book "12 rules for life". Speak and stand up for yourself! By not doing so you diminish yourself and hurt not only yourself, but all the people around you who love you and rely on you. And by letting yourself become the victim, you make the other the perpetrator. Don't allow that to happen.
Unfortunately, my family has always swept problems under the rug and not address any type of emotion. I felt as if I grew up not knowing how to comfort people, bring up issues appropriately or express myself vulnerably.
It's been a challenge and anger was one of those things that felt very foreign to express.
There's too much anger inside. I just pretend to control it.
Anger can cover over sadness, and it can energise us to take action.
That's true
I learned that everything is better without anger.
Im the kind, easygoing and polite guy, I rarely get angry but the times that I do I often get too angry.
My impulse control can become very weak and I often do or say something that I regret.
It sound cliche but it's like I bottle the anger and eventually it pops!
Told my bully neighbour to f off recently.It actually felt good!I've internalised anger for 46 years and it made me chronically ill-i don't recommend it!
What I found to be helpful with the release of anger is to find your own values in life, whether it is about the most insignificant detail or important aspects of life. Having your own firm beliefs and values allows you to genuinely express your emotions because you have a reasoned argument within yourself. However, you must spend a relatively large amount of time thinking and reflecting about life without being biased but also assessing the different angles of argument. What constitutes you is what you place your values in. Once determining where you stand in a broad spectrum of topics, you will find yourself fighting for what you think is right and perhaps expressing some anger. Sounds complicated but try to take out the general message - don't follow the opinions of people around you blindly and find what you think is right.
I wish I could scream from the top of a mountain to get all my anger, frustration, and sadness out
But can’t when you live in the city. Someone might call the police lol
lmao big mood.
i sometimes dream about going to the forest just to scream and yell. in fact, i am determined to do so, but i don't know when i'll do it.
I live in a city where two rivers join. One night a friend felt the need to truly scream and yell so they asked me to go with them to the confluence at dusk. We both did scream and yell until we lost our voice. It felt like a safe place to do it and apparently it was.
Scream into your pillow. It helps. Or punch a pillow
My doctor of traditional Chinese medicine once asked me about how I express my anger and I was looking at her like... I don't until I explode 🤯. I was thinking of this for a really long time. I found out that I freeze instead of react with giving arguments to 'save my soul and my property'. I intentionally started to push myself to speak up when people started to walk all over me. I must say I found out that there is many people who are adults and they are seeking boundaries so you need to tell them, listen I'm going this far and you are allowed to come this far. If you cross my boundaries there will be consequences. You have to have the list of smart consequences that are teaching the opposite side the lesson, that means that consequences will require a lot of time or work or money from them.
Needs also strength to maintain your boundaries
the automatic german title reads: "learning angrily"
well...
I have always struggled with anger, resentments, and unforgiveness and I have been working with a therapist on it. My sponsor who I did the 12 steps with had me write down all my resentments and how they have effected me so I would have motivation to let them go. My therapist told me how resentments only affect you, not the people who did you wrong. Then my sponsor had me write down my part in the conflicts so I could see where I was in the wrong and make amends, change my behaviors, build my character, and reconcile the relationships if appropriate. Now obviously this doesn't apply in every case like if you were abused. It also helps me to try to understand human behavior and why people act the way they do. Not justifying or condoning what they did. It just helps to have more compassion and wish them well. It's not good to see revenge not only because of the consequences, but they will get the justice and karma. If they change because of the consequences and make amends, good for them. It's easier said than done, but it helps me.
Happiness is a luxury, not a choice.
i'd say it's neither.
Does it even exist at this point?
@@transsexual_computer_faery
I don''t doubt that some in this world do have the luxury of being happy (even if only temporarily).
I’m 13 and that sounds deep
@@somethingyousaid5059 right now some people are screaming because of pleasure, but others are screaming because of pain. there's an absurd contrast for you
It's the people who can't express anger rationally because they are never allowed to speak up when wronged that end up becoming ill or taking out frustration in acts of violence or simply being short with others all the time other than the ones they need to address the issue with.
I am just wondering do you guys like comments?💫💐
Awww, thank you so much, great video as always. 😊
How much my father has shamed me for speaking up for myself that i almost lost my self esteem until and unless i had to speak again a job where is was being harrased emotionally i am never going back i will fucking speak speak for myself if even again.... Polite but firm! First place.
I have borderline personality disorder, and can start yelling at a person for a perceived slight. What about that? I watch all of these videos, and see that they pertain to me, but I feel that my problem in said area is so extreme that I am beyond what the video says to do. Especially because I have no control over my behavior when I remember things from childhood, or an old relationship, etc.
I get angry spontaneously when people are just being disrespectful, dismissive or gross. It really helps my mental health to manifest how much they annoy me or make me angry. Some people simply have such inflated egos they take any display of dislike or annoyance as a challenge to their character, when in reality is about setting boundaries and asking for some manners.