My wife of 27 years, 4 kids had an affair for 2 months. I suspected it, but I caught her lying to me, but it was " to cover" her best friends affair. 15 years later, I suspected her again, our marriage was not healthy, I told her I'm ready to walk. In some heated discussions, she accidentally gave info that contradicted her story. The affair is rough enough to get over, but the lies for 15 years is a massive issue. I can't trust any of our 42 years of marriage. Don't know if I ever will.
This is so hard. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My husband and I were only married for 5 years and he cheated on me the entire time with multiple women. I can’t imagine going that long with not knowing if you can trust your spouse. I’m so glad I found out when I did but I’m also wishing I found out earlier before I had our second child 😭. He ruined the joy of my new baby with his bull****. And the memories I have of the last five years with our first I just look back and think “it’s not as happy as I thought it was”. I hope you can find your healing and happiness in spite of everything she put you through. You deserve truth, honesty, love, happiness, and peace.
It's been over a year since he cheated & I feel like I can't "get over it", he says "it was a Mistake" we were fighting a lot...she throw herself at him & he was stupid & weak to do it. It was with someone he worked with, they only saw each other there. He says he will never do it again, sorry, etc. Etc. I don't understand how people's relationships "get better". I don't even know why I'm still in this relationship, we have two kids & have been together 9 years. I feel like i hate him sometimes & can't show love...I just think about what he did, it's awful to live with.
@@yvonneybarra1560 omg im in this exact same situation , she said she regrets it and that we were arguing , and just a whole mess of lies , i found out and she swares im the one for her and no one can take my spot . I honeslty just hate this feeling , i dont even know who i am anymore and it kills me . I just need somenone to talk to who understands
It's been nearly two years since I learned of my partner's three long year affair online. By the sounds of it, I was in a similar place as you find yourself now. Maybe I can give you a little hope? I was no longer of a rational mind once I discovered my partner's affair and had to contend with all the unraveling of the lies and I had so much anger inside me for what he did to me, to us. I could not stop obsessively thinking about this other woman, or rather the fantasy version of her in his head, and what I knew they had done together for years. There was a lot of contempt and hurt and tears and frustration. And for as many poor choices as he made in the aftermath which pushed me to the brink time and again, something began to change inside of me about a year and a half of coping with everything he put me through. Early on we read a lot of self help and relationship 'after infidelity' books together, discussing them section by section - I highly recommend Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages, Sue Johnson's Hold Me Tight and Sheri Meyer's Chatting or Cheating. For as much unrest which lay between us and for as much turmoil as I was experiencing, I noticed that our arguments came less frequent and in between those arguments were tender demonstrations by him, or attempts thereof. I knew he had been faithful ever since I caught him, he doesn't even socialize online with anyone anymore and he reports in to me throughout the day so I don't suspect him of anything bad because I always know where he is and what he is up to. He even let me put parental control apps on his computer and phone so I could see what he was doing and who he was talking with to help rebuild trust. For all he was doing to show me that he was recommitted to our relationship, I had to ask myself for how long was I going to punish him for his crappy life decisions. And it is a kind of punishment to hurt someone so deeply and watch their spirit die - knowing you are responsible and then to have them remind you every single day for years of what you have done to them.. I did not want this to be the future for either of us. I asked him, "Is this what you really want for the rest of your life- always needing to atone for hurting me and saying you're sorry forever?" And he responded, "If that is what the price is to spend my life with you, then yes." As a couple, we are much more together today than we were before his affair, I think because we really got to learn who we were and not just assuming we knew one another simply because we'd been together so long. And somewhere along the way we fell back in love, but it's a different kind of love. More recently, the triggers still come but with less frequency and they don't make me obsess anymore. I don't get as emotional or shut down, I just let them pass. Things aren't 100% with me and I will carry these scars from what he did to me and my heart, but for right now everything he does is enough. I don't ask from him more than he can give, and throughout every single day he shows me in so many ways how much he adores me. Why I shared my story is that maybe one day you will have this kind of turning point, too. What wrongdoing you have suffered, that doesn't go away. How you react to it will change, though. And if you find you can never get to that point with your own partner, maybe that is an indication you should consider when thinking of your future health and happiness. I wish you all the joy and hope in the world as you continue on your path, and hopefully you will come out the other side a little bit stronger but not jaded. xox
Please tell her the truth I know my husband cheated he won't tell me anything he shuts down all communication when it comes up and punishes me for bringing it up and I hate him and can't forgive him on top of that he was controlling and abusive ....if you're wife throws a tantrum let her do it she will be ok in a few hours or sometimes days just get through it before menopause starts and don't do it again....oh and getting jealous is a trigger I highly advise you don't pull I wish you both the best
When my wife cheated it killed me. I told her i wishee she had just shot me in the head instead. Id rather be dead then endure this pain. 5 years later and im still living this living hell on earth. She ruined everything. She murdered my heart and soul.
I can relate. It’s 24 years since my wife’s affair and unwanted pregnancy. Problem is that whenever I have fond recollections of events that took place in our early marriage and courtship they are quickly eclipsed by the trauma of her betrayal. The spark has gone.
I suspect my wife of cheating and I feel the exact same way. I know if I find hard evidence or she ever admits it to me that it will absolutely destroy me. I almost don’t want to know if she has cheated on me but I can’t get it off my mind. It’s driving me crazy….
For me the worst thing is that all relationships go through ups and downs but marriage betrayal that you honesty didn’t expect you’d be dealing with is the only proof that your/mine marriage is not true love...I’m six years later mostly happy but super jealous of my friends and strangers I see that don’t ever go through this.
May you find additional healing for that feeling. Remember we never truly know what others are going through, or what they are hiding, or what they need to heal from. You are no less than another human and they are no better than you bc of struggling with different struggles. Be blessed today-you, your marriage, and your family. Amen. Amen.
I hope you can move past this. Just keep in mind that it’s all in your head what you see other people enjoying. What goes on behind closed doors that people don’t know about happens to so many people. Probably everyone. I try to keep this mindset so I don’t get into a victim mentality and see it just as something that happened to me that I’m not alone and most people probably experience. You never know someone else’s struggles so it’s better to assume that no one’s life is perfect and they have their own struggles that they’re probably jealous of our lives for
My spouse keeps telling me “IT HAS BEEN SEVEN YEARS AGO, Why can’t you let it go....?” I can’t because I do not feel my spouse ever gave full disclosure for one and two “other things” have occurred in that SEVEN years that the affair happened. There has never been a time where I felt that I could actually “breathe” and just feel safe. I feel that I must be guarded with my emotions most all the time.
My wife cheated back in 1994 and I still deal with the fears and scars it brings! Couple of days after I found out, she had the gall to tell me I had Two Weeks to "get over it!!!" NOT!
@@jerryheck5344 jerry my wife had a 6 year affair with her boss from 1983 - 1988. I stayed married for kids. Depression on and off for 25 years. Finally got counseling 5 years ago. Never a day goes by where I don’t get a reminder in my head.
My wife disclosed she had an affair after I asked her to marry me 29 years ago. It went on for about 4 months and she broke it off. She lied to me even through a year of pre-marital counseling with our pastor. She just told me about 5 weeks ago and it devastated me and it feels like our 28 years of marriage were a lie. The affair feels like yesterday, not 29 years ago. I know it was a long time ago but the pain is very real today. The contrition I have seen is from her being caught in her lies and just lately from her being able to see the pain it has caused me and our family. Not sure what to do, seeking God and wanting to keep the marriage.
It sounds to me like you just found out. We'll, when you first wrote this comment. Of course you were devastated. For you, it's was today that the infidelity happened. My time frame of disclosure is shorter and it happened 4 months ago. But for.me disclosure was recent. Don't let her tell you to forget. I felt so used, lied to and wonder what front he put on before and after the fu*&ery.
This series is valuable! So many truths that a couple just can't see when they're in the midst of it. What to do, what not to do, and answers to important and often unanswerable questions, like this one. Both parties need to understand that sometimes, there really is no cut and dried answer.
I found out about my husbands affair Nov 2020 and many times I ask about the why and his answers are always I didn’t go to bars with him and I started fights so he didn’t want to come home. But he doesn’t remember why the fights started because he didn’t come home. I didn’t want to go to bars cuz I know what happens in them. My dad cheated on my mom there and so did my first husband. To find out our whole marriage he was unfaithful. And he refuses to answers any of my questions says he doesn’t remember or it was just talk. But the affair lasted for 2 years. And she knew about me. And some was talk but there was many mentions of things that did happen and he denies it all. So much damage and at this point how can you rebuild and someone won’t take accountability for there actions. Not only was my marriage cheated but my life was was cheated to.
I can think of more reasons why I would cheat, but the only reasons why I didn’t cheat, or go on a sexual rampage, is because I’m in my right mind...sane and good. On the other hand, for him, it starts from boredom to thrill, then an instant stress reliever, (doesn’t last) which becomes an addiction...like drugs or alcohol. That’s why they keep going back to it and cannot control their behavior. Something in their brain goes out of whack and thinks bad is good, visa versa. It’s a cheating disorder...or the disorder happened first, and cheating follows right after.
My wife ended a 4 month affair about 3 months ago. We went to see the therapist a few times, and things are actually going really well between us right now. My issue is that I'm still in a lot of pain from her infidelity, and I want her to do more recovery work and get to the true reason of why she let herself go that far with someone else. I hate bringing recovery work up around her because it usually bums her out. I feel she regrets what she did, but I don't know if that's enough to prevent her from doing it again years from now. I know she has self acceptance issues, and I just want her to talk to someone. How do I do that without coming off as controlling? I just can't go through this hurt again.
hi chris. i'll be direct but gracious. asking your spouse to find out why they committed one of the worst atrocities you can commit in marriage is not controlling brother. asking or even demanding your spouse get expert help is not controlling. it's wanting to never have to live this way ever again. i would use these two resources to get her to cooperate: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change i would worry far less about being controlling and be far more concerned with getting expert help and with preventing relapse to never feel this way again. bumming her out is far more secondary to not having to live through this nightmare again. she did the act, so unfortunately, this is part of the consequences to her actions.
@@Koolfacejace1 Having an affair isn't a mere mistake. It's a damn grenade, thrown at you by the person you love the most, who you thought loved you the most. What a bunch of bunk, "we think we own people". Good grief. If you're married, you do own each other, in a biblical way. There has to be boundaries, there has to be respect, of course. Your bodies are not completely your own anymore, they do belong to the other as well. That's what the union of "the two become one flesh" is really all about. To give yourself to a third wheel is therefore sacrilege. It absolutely absolutely soul crushing to the spouse, and if they have any decency or conscience left, it's soul crushing to some extent to the cheater too.
I have no words as to how good your videos are. Thank you SO MUCH!!!! I just wish it was all available when I freshly needed it. But then better late than never. THANK YOU.
He had said I was too ugly for him. He really doesn't love me or care for me. He's mean and calls me ugly all the time. Even if I was ugly I still feel its mean to do that to someòne.
S Fought As someone who’s been betrayed if they blame you it’s about them. Above you said he said you’re ugly and or not enough....Guess what it’s not you. What he says to you is what he thinks of himself, and YES he’s abusing you. He’s pushing the hate he has for himself onto you. Don’t care what anyone says here on this comment as there are decent people that may heal and mean it. Speaking from experience in going to therapy, my ex lied. Leave and heal yourself, and let him know you’re not there to abuse, humiliate and cheat just so he can feel better about himself. If he thought that he’d been decent and broke of your relationship before he played games. lThat’s an insecure man who has a void and like a vampire he is and will continue sucking the life out of the people he uses yet caress nothing about. Been there done that , and it hurts, worse when you figure out they lied about a lot, fake and phony people are takers who bait people and catch them like fish, meaning they don’t value anyone, it’s a game.
I experienced the same...my boyfriend insult the way I look ..he insulted the colour of my skin he insult every thing about me...still I showed him love and care ...but I forgot to think that ..he never loves me faithfully he just use me for sex
My wife had an affair and saying she has told me enough about the affair. My problem is I don’t know how the man was and I can’t get past that. She won’t tell me anything about him. I see men everywhere & can’t stop wondering is that him or is that him and I’m so stuck in my recovery. I need to get this ghost out of my head What can I do?
i would ask her to do some expert driven recovery work with you like this: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend or www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-online i would also ask her to do the free bootcamp here: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp
9:55 You create that by talking honestly about everything in both of your pasts and helping each other see how all that hurt pain and shame revealed it's self now in the marriage and in your relation with others. You go to your past together to find the real true honest answers as to why this happened. That is how. And it shouldn't take 3, 5 or 13 years. A strong commitment spiritually strong couple will be able to navigate it and sometimes it takes the stronger of the two to get it moving in the right direction and for the right reasons.
I felt this I’m the betrayed and I’m trying so hard for us to open up with each other she was black out drunk and “doesn’t remember” idk if i should accept that answer or if she is lying. She gets black out drunk and there are times we did… I want to specify she asked me to and the next day she would remember a lot but not specific things with this monent she says she doesn’t remember anything
Could you please speak on this. We have been married almost 21 years several months ago I found out not that my husband had an affair, but that my husband was never faithful. He never stopped living the single lifestyle. I was lied to deceived the entire time. How do you work through something like this? Or do you?
I feel stuck. It’s been about ten years. Obviously I decided to stay. I wanted to work on things and recover. I gave him the ultimatum to go or stay, one or the other but not both. He stayed, but acted like a petulant child for years. He treated me like I was the guilty party. I felt like an unwanted house guest in my own home for years. We ended up just living separate lives. It’s better now, we’re friends and get along well but still stuck in the roommate situation. I’m over it but he’s never admitted anything and never apologized for anything. He’s not willing to participate in deep conversations. He treats me well enough but there’s no intimacy. We’re older now and both have health issues. We stay together because we’re comfortable, I just don’t know how to bridge that gulf.
My ex kept telling me me it was a mistake but it was not it was a choice. He always tried to make me feel bad for getting even more hurt by his disrespectful dismissive behaviour and statements
This is a very hard one to watch. My husband cheated on me for almost a year and told me about it March 14, 2024. We have a fantastic therapist and we also see her minister of her church weekly. But it’s disheartening and scary to realize this is going to take a long time. I am so impatient and I just wanna get to the good stuff. I’m tired of feeling betrayed. I’m tired of not trusting him. I’m tired of being paranoid. I’m tired of hating her.
Honest to God, it took 2.5 years to get the "why" - & it was a game changer. Once I had that last piece it was like a light switch..never ever will be ok..but, I can live with it differently now. I know Jesus Himself cut out the dead infection in my heart & is healing it. He cut the dead infection out of my marriage and is healing it. I never ever in 1000 years believed I'd feel the way I do today. I pray for every single one of you. I am SO sorry you are on this path.
Samuel i need to say thank you ! If it weren’t for your videos id probably be in jail for breaking the jaw of the man that my wife was txting and talking to literally all day long never met but it was well on the way if I didn’t find the dirty txt he sent her !! I have alit of rage now but i am slowly calming down . Your videos really are helping me again thank you 🙏
Why you cheated by Samuel strikes such a chord with me, and almost all videos Infact, u guys are God's gift to ppl like myself, I discovered my husband's sex addiction and multiple relationships 5months ago. I m broken but picking up every day a piece. My husband still is very masked and doesn't want to get any help, reads articles which I print for him and extremely defensive, always abusive and putting blame on me and judging me for outbursts. Finally agreed for EMS online though as I said I want separation,no longer playing into threats and blamegames. My sanity is entirely coz of you great guys Samuel, Dr Wayne and Rick🙏
You with a straight up narcissist best thing for you is to understand narcissism then show your husband those videos.. does your husband show any remorse or empathy for what he did? If he is constantly putting the blame on you and has a mask as you say and he could be narcissistic and if that is the case then you are dealing with somebody who will never change who will never love you who will never ever feel sorry they don't have empathy they copy you and they make you because they don't know how to be themselves. I'm not giving you a self-diagnosis or anything I'm telling you based on my own experiences with NPD father and mother brothers and sisters it's been around me my entire life and now I see it everywhere. Watch Dr Grande's videos on Covert narcissism and overt narcissism if he's being abusive and blame shifting then he's overt. Good luck and God be with you.
As an unfaithful spouse I got a lot out of watching this. Thank you for explaining this important process so I can learn how to move on from this dark period in my life.
So my daughters father cheated on me with my neighbor, my friend, my ex boyfriend's new girlfriend and a prostitute. 2 months after I had his daughter. I left him for 2 years. He is sober now and we have been trying NOW for 3 years but It is so hard for me... I don't understand. And I don't accept his answer "drugs" ... I want to forgive but howwwww? I have tried therapy, hypnosis, depression pills and nothing works... I feel depressed, ugly, unworthy... I have an amazing daughter, I love my job ( working with animals) how do I deal with it
My husband says “because he liked her” it was a work colleague that he spent too much time with as friends and she made a move on him. The feelings grew so he fell for her. Meanwhile I’m at home with our newborn baby and 3 year old and a loving giving wife, as much as I can be when you’ve just had a baby! He loves me and has always been a good husband and father. He’s sorry and remorseful and owned up and finished it after a year. I’m destroyed but getting stronger. I can’t except the reason as “coz I liked her” I think that is a clueless, ignorant and immature response. A lot of people like people it doesn’t meant they “choose” to start an affair with them. He was weak for some reason. Any thoughts or understanding? Donna (UK)
I had a profound thought this morning. Perhaps men see marriage as a competition of who can be happiest in the marriage ? And at some stage they think their wife is winning the happy in my life competition? Cause she has the kids and the house to look after. And that doesn’t look to be as hard as going to work everyday so in order to try and win the ,‘I’m the happiest ‘ competion they decide to ‘cheat’ to win , and that’s why infidelity is called cheating , I know it called the human race. But does it really have to be that it’s a competition ?
My husband aged 60 had an affair with a 16 year old girl who boarded with us. We worked with 2 separate counselors - but 7 years down the track my husband can still not explain why it happened. His response is "it was crazy". Obviously this relationship was completely inappropriate, abusive and manipulative. My question is are there any videos that address "inappropriate infidelity" - that would help me I feel tremendous shame - I know I shouldn't but.............
we don't have any for that my friend. i'm very sorry. what help has he received and what work has he done? are they just general counselors or were they experts and what help is he receiving now?
I'm sorry that this happened to you. But that is not an affair. That is ... Something else with such an age gap. 😳 I pray that you get the help and peace that you need. 🙏💞
It's just over 2yrs from the 1st D-Day and 6 months from the 2nd. My husband says he cheated because he had nothing at home. He also seems to suffer from some form of black-outs/amnesia that my gut feels is selective. We have been together 25 years and I am immensely sad that I do not know him and even sadder to know he isn't worth knowing. I regret giving him 25 years of chances he didn't deserve.
i'm so sorry becca. are you getting any help? have you asked him to get professional help through something like our courses or intensives etc? will he do it?
My husband told me he cheated because he thought once my daughter graduated high school he thought I was going to leave and I'm like seriously! He continued the affair when I found out and than finally ended it but still stays in contact with her cause she didn't deserve what happened with them breaking up and is also still in the justified stage blaming me, so I decided to just work on me and let the situation go I hope he finally gets it but i doubt it. I'm so ready to leave
My husband blames his mental health. He says he was suicidal and that he was either going to commit suicide or start an affair with that woman who he met. He says - It was a delusion of happiness I could’nt resist. And that he initially wanted to leave me. But deep inside he never stopped loving me. But he also says he never felt appreciated by me and that he has tried to discuss my issues but I never listened. He had a one year affair and even got her pregnant. He never told me. She did. Because the pregnancy made them part. I left him. But he still tries to win me back. It’s been 1 year and 7 months since D-day. And I cant move on, but I cant go back to him. I’m to hurt. I am to scared. I want to, but I cant see how we will make it work. I just see constant argue. We have been to counselling and separate therapy. Is there hope?
unfortunately, for the long term and the safety of your marriage, that's not good enough. he will need to do expert driven recovery work to find out why. he's not going to be able to figure it out on his own, hence the need for expert care and support. the right program and approach can help him find out why. here is a course for him: www.affairrecovery.com/product/hope-for-healing hope that helps.
As the betrayed spouse who just had a baby 7 months ago I’m just adjusting to my body again it’s just different now and his why was I don’t show him my body anymore so he needed to see others and now I keep comparing and feeling disgusted with myself can you direct me to a video more relevant to me
hi there. it's simply not true. he's self diagnosing which never ends well and is clouded by a lack of objectivity and expertise and training. his answer seems to be simply justifying it and minimizing it and it's simply not that simple or even true. here are some thoughts on why spouses cheat in article form: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-unfaithful-why-did-they-cheat-part-one-the-role-of-oxytocin ((it's a two or three part series))
Hello. I’m going through the same thing now myself. I found about my husband’s affairs with prostitutes and online hookups 5 weeks after our baby was born. After I had the baby he would beg me for sex and cry about that he couldn’t get sex. I was so angry at him for not understanding what my body went through to give him the greatest blessing of his life. It boils down to its not a new problem it’s a him problem. He wasn’t ready to be a true husband and father. The image he had of marriage and fatherhood was selfish and was only what he could get out of it. He’s going through recovery of sex addiction but I’m really hoping he changes his mindset and understands that we as his family have needs and feelings too aside from just himself. That there are responsibilities for the household where his wants and desires will be put on hold until dishes are clean, kids are clothed and bathed, babies are fed, etc. it makes me angry sometimes that he left me to struggle by myself with those things while he went out and spent our family’s money on other women just because they promised him sex. If he was patient and waited and helped with some household duties he could’ve gotten it from home for free. He’s trying to change and wants approval, but I don’t want to give him approval for just doing regular responsibilities. I never got those thank yous. I got cheated on because I was “too busy” with responsibilities he helped me create.
we really need this i hope we could do this together, he had an affair while i am away and we had problem but now we were together he still communicate with her and he is still seeing her after he said that it was over.
Samuel. Can you address how a betrayed can figure out why it happened. Specifically when it ended in divorce and unfaithful never got to point to being able to communicate at all about what happened? How do we betrayed work through that?
i would study infidelity from a source you trust to gain insight into why people cheat. affairrecovery.com is a great place to do that, so is survivinginfidelity.com but also reading books, looking for information on why someone cheats. you need sources you can trust though and rely upon for objective, non condemning information ya know? not just, 'cause cheaters are wicked people.' as you gain insight you can then put some pieces together on why spouses cheat and gain information into it all.
I having a hard time with my wife because she is stuck in her happy little world of instagram, facebook, my life is great.... ect .ect .meeting more people, and justifying all the time on her phone because she is a marketer....surrounded by many successful men all day....i get it....but dosent give a crap what i think or how i feel....her actions show it....last night her sister asked her out to sushi and i said i dont feel like going, ....i was hoping she would have stayed home with me last night.....with everything we are "trying to rebuild" ....im left very confused as to how someone would not consider how i would feel left at home , abd as for her sister who knows whats going on, why would she think its OK for my wife to go out with her at this time....
Wife cheated on me about 6 months ago i found that she was have affair for two year. We still together. It been very hard for me that she had an affair, we are married for 10 year. I feel lyl just yesterday my world was turn up side down. I dnt now what to do it been a very hard road from. My wife feel nothing has happened. And it my fault it happened. I feel so sad al the time
Two Bible principles that would help tremendously : God's word is alive and exerts power and is stronger than any two edged sword able to divide thoughts and Intentions of the heart. We can fool ourselves but against the mirror of God's word we can no longer lie to ourselves, he reveals who we really are as opposed to who we think we are or wish we are.
Hi im following your posts and i must say they are really helping my husband was having sex with prostitutes and keeps saying its better than an affair how can it be better to me its worse as he not only decieved me he laid me open to disease i know this is a tough question but his indifference hurts
as unf, we minimize our choices. we always try and minimize the effect of what we've done and what impact we've brought upon our spouse/partner. it's unfortunately, a normal defense mechanism. the truth is, it's not better or easier, it hurts like hell. it also opened you up to dangers that are less likely to happen if he was just having an affair with one woman....he's engaged in behavior that could have cost you your life even with known diseases. i'm sorry you're in this spot. i would take care of you, draw boundaries and get expert help so that an expert can help bring truth, clarity and healing to the situation: especially his version or idea of what's better or worse. don't panic, this is normal, but you do need expert care/intervention.
He says if I would just get past the fact that he left me for her, & take responsibility for our marriage problems, we might have something to rebuild on. He blames me for everything that went wrong, & for everything he has done.
Why if his reasons is he don't love you anymore, or not sure if he love you even at the beginning of your marriage, and he's believing that he love his affair so much.? That he can afford to abandon you and your kids. For her affair.
My husband told me it's because we just started dating and he ( apparently only emotional, which I dont believe ) just like the attention. It went on for a year.. caught him texting.. he denied it and made me feel crazy.. and then it came out that he was texting her.. then he did it for another year right as we bought a house.. I felt trapped and like I didn't have a choice but to get the house otherwise my son and I would have been homeless for a short time.. something I will never allow. So we moved in and 7 years later (aka now).. he won't suggest counseling or anything. I just get the I don't remember anything line.. and I feel lost.. stuck and like I want out.. any advise for people like me😭.
I am the unfaithful in the relationship. I did not have an affair so to speak but an addiction to on line chatting to women. Now I know this is still seen as an affair by my wife. I have found your on line videos to be extremely helpful in my recovery. I have mentioned to my wife to take a look but she refuses to Even to the point of saying she doesn’t need help How can I convince her to just take a look at one of your videos
i don't know that you can make her do it my friend. it may be worth it to actually reverse your course of action and not ask her to do it. maybe that will make her feel safe to look at them on her own? i would focus on something else to help her or let her do her own work right now. if it's not working, maybe it's just not the time right now to focus on these videos with her and let her do her own work and you do yours?
We are 3 months out from discovery. Husband emotionally cheated going to a bar for 4 years because it was easy he says. We are going thru counseling and that is only answer he gave and the counselor seems content with that and I am not.
What if the infidelity happened because there's no longer any love I'm the relationship? What if there's active resentment and neither partner wants to do therapy? What is best? What is best for the kids?
it's a case by case basis my friend. that love and respect can come back if both parties are open to it. however, it's not a guarantee though. i would see about seeing an expert and walking through a process that can help you decide if you want to see if it can be saved....if not, sadly it may be time to end the relationship and prioritize your own healing and the kids' well being.
even if he says he knows, he probably doesn't as he's not an expert, too close to the situation, and probably hasn't had expert care, right? so he is probably going to be speculating. i would get expert help and see if that helps him know why. even if he were to blame you, that's only his response now, not after expert help.
Oh my gosh Samuel hearing you describe your why at the beginning of your recovery (6:08) versus later (6:52) versus now (7:45) really gave me soo much hope for my spouse. Today I’m ready to give up standing because it seems like 1) he will forever blame me for his cheating 2)no matter how hard I try I will never improve enough in the areas where he had complaints about me - they are things I’ve been trying to improve in myself for my entire life and even though I make progress these are areas where I’m likely to continue to miss the mark. So how can I ever be good enough to meet those needs he felt were so grossly unmet that he could abandon me and our son? But this video gives me hope that he will be able to mature and evolve to a place of owning it, and even going so far as you did in seeing how your selfishness impeded you from having compassion for what was going on inside your wife that you could’ve been helping her with! I have owned the things that I should’ve done differently before his affair, and I feel like I’m ready to be more aware of his needs and my shortcomings, but I’ll never be perfect, and this video helps give me hope that my husband will someday be able to look away from my flaws to do the work that needs to be done inside himself, and that he can become a leader who is courageous and humble who I can admire and trust because of his maturity, compassion and understanding. I hope to be more helpful to him. The thought that he might someday say “the bottom line is that I cheated because I was selfish and wasn’t at any level mature enough or courageous enough to resist” or make any reference to “the weaknesses in my life” or “self absorption”… wow, what a concept. Thank you so very much for giving me a glimpse into what’s possible. God bless your marriage.
If only he would read some books on this or look on the site for himself. Four months since discovery of a sexually charged emotional affair going on under my nose, often under my roof, as she was introduced as his acquaintance whose dad had died and we'd help her out. Our struggles didn't start w/ this affair. I've always had a fight for boundaries w/ him, starting w/ smoking in my car. I wish I had realized what that would snowball into, because I would have broken it off the first year. That was proceeded by years of sneaking porn, making excuses for it. Then 3 years of closet drinking when I tried to put some boundaries on his drinking, he'd be stashing them all over to drink later. Couldn't win that battle either, so had to ignore that one too. The estrangement, lack of love I felt from everything being a battle, tons of broken promises, turned into the latest boundary and broken promise issue of his little sweetie he felt entitled to. He snuck around w/ her a few months, smoked in my car full time, instead of the furtive lean ins w/ cigarettes that he'd always deny he did on purpose. I pulled the car a month ago and we have to do all errands together now, but the excuses for lighting up while standing in my open car door continue since yesterday. He's gaslighting and claiming this is a forgetful little setback. I know it's a foundational issue. I didn't know 9 years ago how big the disrespectul boundary issue w/ the car would get, but I sure do now and seem to be back at square one.
Yeah, that sounds like you're codependent with a very dysfunctional man. He has problems but so do you. Heal yourself and then decide if you still want him
So is it the why actually changing or that the person gets a better understanding/insight of the why? If there is a reason for something,...and if it is really changing... why should the reason keep changing? And if it keeps changing, then could we say there's the risk that the person doesn't actually know the reason for real, but rather keep finding that other (new) "reason" depending on their state and where they are in recovery? It could all be helpful eventually for healing and recovery, but will it really be the real reason?
I think you are confusing or mixing three different components. The first is understanding why you committed the affair and even if you’re understanding deepens as time goes on, it doesn’t mean your initial understanding was wrong. Second is taking ownership, which is a different component than understanding why. And third is understanding the results of an affair. Hopefully as time goes onunderstanding deepens in all three areas. And yet in one sense, they need to be kept separate I think.
Its been 8 years since i ruined my families life. I can give reasons but i know theres something wrong with me. Why did i let it happen? How do i figure out what my problem is. Even though im divorced i want to fix me . i never want that to happen again. Is it as simple as i need attention? Thats shallow. I really dont know who i am because i think im a good person honest loyal trustworthy but those words do not discribe a person who cheats.
hi there. i need attention is a bit of an oversimplification my friend. it's deeper than that. this course will help you immensely: www.affairrecovery.com/product/hope-for-healing you'll find that on our site and it's life changing. it will help you find out why you did what you did and how to move forward, taking care of and loving yourself, not to mention forgiving yourself. are you reading any books at all? what type of background do you come from in terms of world view?
If the deeper reason is that you need attention there's actually nothing wrong with that. I've been cheated on yet also came extremely close to giving in to temptation myself too, and indeed in both cases the foundation of the temptations/actual affair? Attention. Kind, nurturing, friendly, intense and loving, attention. Just not from partner!
I have been doing basically NOTHING to heal my wives heart. For five years now. She is devastated. I. Just can’t seem to get it together. I do want to be with her, I don’t know why I’m this way Do you have any thoughts on this?? Please help me. I. NEED to help my love. Thanks
there's always a reason my friend. some of it is truth some of it is not...the expert process will help them find out why. if they don't know why, the chances of relapse increase exponentially. he may have no idea....but an expert and an expert process will help him understand why.
My wife had an affair for 6 months she knew the guy for around 10 years but never acted on it. I then got made redundant worked shift work, was constantly tired, grumpy and we just argued. He gave her the attention l didnt, but he played her, swamped her with messages, especially when she was at home with me. I knew she was up to something, you just know as she never left her phone anywhere, her appearance changed, always asking what time l would finish work. In the end he finished it, he knew l was onto him and he was weak. Also my wife said she would never leave me. He had his fun, we are working through it on our own and 3 months down the line our marriage is good. My wife says l'm the better man, better in bed, better looking etc.. but l allowed it to happen by neglecting her needs and she acted on it. The opportunity was there for her.
It’s been almost 3 years since my wife found out about my double life (porn, strip clubs, one night stands, affairs) and I still am unable to find a reason why. She asks me all the time and I just don’t know or maybe I just don’t want to say. Not sure! We have been together for 41 years and I have been doing these things for many of those years and she never knew about it until April of 2015 when she found porn on my Computer. Other things started to come into light after that and I have never been able to be honest about anything. Most things she has found out about me after that through looking and searching my life and an affair partner started to text my phone and she saw it.. I lied for many years when she asked me about things when she had gut feelings about something. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I be honest?
it's normal. it's probably a fear to tell her everything as it will crush her and hurt her more. it's also just a normal desire to not give up all the info out of fear of having her feel so much pain. if you want to heal though, you'll need to get expert help and find a third party to help you understand why you do what you do and where it's all coming from. this course may help: www.affairrecovery.com/product/hope-for-healing this article will also help you my friend: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/survive-an-affair-how-much-to-tell hope those thoughts help you.
Lou S. Wow, thanks for sharing. If you can be honest knowing your not going to be held accountable here, then you can do that and be honest with you wife. Be truthful about wanting both, and decide to leave the other alone
I have an idea of why I did it and all the reasons I did... The problem is that is has happened multiple times and she is at a breaking point.. She is about to go out of town and Im so scared that if she leaves without us making any head way at all, that'll be it. She wants space right now and doesnt want to hear anything I have to say. I have been watching your videos and trying techniques from there but tried before she wants to try. I hate what I have done and I need help to not do it again. I feel that the reason I did it is because the affair partner is from my past and easy to talk to. She is from a time that I could just flirt and girls were all over me in a flirting way. I also have only been with my wife sexually and that has made me curious of how other women would feel in that way. The affair was emotional but still is as bad. Im lost at what to do next... I am seeking professional help but I feel nothing matters if I dont get her back. I don't carre about me. Just her... I know that that is not a good way of thinking and that we both need to recover but its how I feel. I just have no way of knowing whats going to happen... I am scared of my family tearing apart and I know that I am to blame and it makes me hate myself... Im just lost
I'm the unfaithful and have changed my life. I have god in my life but my wife is still feeling like the first day of me telling her about my affair. She has been watching affair recovery video's mostly yours. From 4 to 5 video's a day. I think that's not helping her move on and start healing. My therapist tells me I'm moving well and should tell her to stop watching so many video's. Can you make a video regarding this case or is it time to move on. I really love her alot and give her assurance.
In another video, you talk about how saying you had pizza when your receipt showed wings made Samantha distrust you. If I keep coming up with new answers to the same question, isn't that going to sound like the same old game of bringing different answers hoping to find one that she'll accept?
i'm not sure i understand the question... but if i do, sometimes we need to have the same answer, but maybe find new verbiage, or maybe simply try and go deeper into answering the question. if it's a simple question of what did you eat/drink/go etc, well then it should never change.
Knowing the WHY is really a fundamental to healing. Great clip, Sam
My wife of 27 years, 4 kids had an affair for 2 months. I suspected it, but I caught her lying to me, but it was " to cover" her best friends affair. 15 years later, I suspected her again, our marriage was not healthy, I told her I'm ready to walk. In some heated discussions, she accidentally gave info that contradicted her story. The affair is rough enough to get over, but the lies for 15 years is a massive issue. I can't trust any of our 42 years of marriage. Don't know if I ever will.
This is so hard. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My husband and I were only married for 5 years and he cheated on me the entire time with multiple women. I can’t imagine going that long with not knowing if you can trust your spouse. I’m so glad I found out when I did but I’m also wishing I found out earlier before I had our second child 😭. He ruined the joy of my new baby with his bull****. And the memories I have of the last five years with our first I just look back and think “it’s not as happy as I thought it was”. I hope you can find your healing and happiness in spite of everything she put you through. You deserve truth, honesty, love, happiness, and peace.
It's been over a year since he cheated & I feel like I can't "get over it", he says "it was a Mistake" we were fighting a lot...she throw herself at him & he was stupid & weak to do it. It was with someone he worked with, they only saw each other there. He says he will never do it again, sorry, etc. Etc. I don't understand how people's relationships "get better". I don't even know why I'm still in this relationship, we have two kids & have been together 9 years. I feel like i hate him sometimes & can't show love...I just think about what he did, it's awful to live with.
Same!
Have him watch these videos maybe he can understand you, if he does than he is trying and there’s hope.
@@yvonneybarra1560 omg im in this exact same situation , she said she regrets it and that we were arguing , and just a whole mess of lies , i found out and she swares im the one for her and no one can take my spot . I honeslty just hate this feeling , i dont even know who i am anymore and it kills me . I just need somenone to talk to who understands
Very similar to my story...
It's been nearly two years since I learned of my partner's three long year affair online. By the sounds of it, I was in a similar place as you find yourself now. Maybe I can give you a little hope?
I was no longer of a rational mind once I discovered my partner's affair and had to contend with all the unraveling of the lies and I had so much anger inside me for what he did to me, to us. I could not stop obsessively thinking about this other woman, or rather the fantasy version of her in his head, and what I knew they had done together for years. There was a lot of contempt and hurt and tears and frustration. And for as many poor choices as he made in the aftermath which pushed me to the brink time and again, something began to change inside of me about a year and a half of coping with everything he put me through.
Early on we read a lot of self help and relationship 'after infidelity' books together, discussing them section by section - I highly recommend Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages, Sue Johnson's Hold Me Tight and Sheri Meyer's Chatting or Cheating. For as much unrest which lay between us and for as much turmoil as I was experiencing, I noticed that our arguments came less frequent and in between those arguments were tender demonstrations by him, or attempts thereof. I knew he had been faithful ever since I caught him, he doesn't even socialize online with anyone anymore and he reports in to me throughout the day so I don't suspect him of anything bad because I always know where he is and what he is up to. He even let me put parental control apps on his computer and phone so I could see what he was doing and who he was talking with to help rebuild trust.
For all he was doing to show me that he was recommitted to our relationship, I had to ask myself for how long was I going to punish him for his crappy life decisions. And it is a kind of punishment to hurt someone so deeply and watch their spirit die - knowing you are responsible and then to have them remind you every single day for years of what you have done to them.. I did not want this to be the future for either of us. I asked him, "Is this what you really want for the rest of your life- always needing to atone for hurting me and saying you're sorry forever?" And he responded, "If that is what the price is to spend my life with you, then yes."
As a couple, we are much more together today than we were before his affair, I think because we really got to learn who we were and not just assuming we knew one another simply because we'd been together so long. And somewhere along the way we fell back in love, but it's a different kind of love. More recently, the triggers still come but with less frequency and they don't make me obsess anymore. I don't get as emotional or shut down, I just let them pass. Things aren't 100% with me and I will carry these scars from what he did to me and my heart, but for right now everything he does is enough. I don't ask from him more than he can give, and throughout every single day he shows me in so many ways how much he adores me.
Why I shared my story is that maybe one day you will have this kind of turning point, too. What wrongdoing you have suffered, that doesn't go away. How you react to it will change, though. And if you find you can never get to that point with your own partner, maybe that is an indication you should consider when thinking of your future health and happiness. I wish you all the joy and hope in the world as you continue on your path, and hopefully you will come out the other side a little bit stronger but not jaded. xox
Thank you for this video. My wife sent me this because I was unfaithful and we are on a recovery journey together. I needed to see this.
Please tell her the truth I know my husband cheated he won't tell me anything he shuts down all communication when it comes up and punishes me for bringing it up and I hate him and can't forgive him on top of that he was controlling and abusive ....if you're wife throws a tantrum let her do it she will be ok in a few hours or sometimes days just get through it before menopause starts and don't do it again....oh and getting jealous is a trigger I highly advise you don't pull I wish you both the best
Thank you for sharing. I hope you are able to heal and save your relationship. Stay strong. I am praying for you.
When my wife cheated it killed me. I told her i wishee she had just shot me in the head instead. Id rather be dead then endure this pain. 5 years later and im still living this living hell on earth. She ruined everything. She murdered my heart and soul.
You're not alone friend.. 😢
You guys never tried to work it out and see a marriage counselor? That's awful that your still struggling like you are.
I can relate. It’s 24 years since my wife’s affair and unwanted pregnancy. Problem is that whenever I have fond recollections of events that took place in our early marriage and courtship they are quickly eclipsed by the trauma of her betrayal. The spark has gone.
I suspect my wife of cheating and I feel the exact same way. I know if I find hard evidence or she ever admits it to me that it will absolutely destroy me. I almost don’t want to know if she has cheated on me but I can’t get it off my mind. It’s driving me crazy….
@@timjarred5192Stop being a man she wants to cheat on. Reflect on your mistakes and correct.
"I don't know iT jUsT hApPeNeD" 🙄
That’s the answer I got
And me
For me the worst thing is that all relationships go through ups and downs but marriage betrayal that you honesty didn’t expect you’d be dealing with is the only proof that your/mine marriage is not true love...I’m six years later mostly happy but super jealous of my friends and strangers I see that don’t ever go through this.
May you find additional healing for that feeling. Remember we never truly know what others are going through, or what they are hiding, or what they need to heal from. You are no less than another human and they are no better than you bc of struggling with different struggles. Be blessed today-you, your marriage, and your family. Amen. Amen.
I hope you can move past this. Just keep in mind that it’s all in your head what you see other people enjoying. What goes on behind closed doors that people don’t know about happens to so many people. Probably everyone. I try to keep this mindset so I don’t get into a victim mentality and see it just as something that happened to me that I’m not alone and most people probably experience. You never know someone else’s struggles so it’s better to assume that no one’s life is perfect and they have their own struggles that they’re probably jealous of our lives for
Thank you. I’m going through the damage of an affair and your messages give me peace and I hope some help for my husband.
My spouse keeps telling me “IT HAS BEEN SEVEN YEARS AGO, Why can’t you let it go....?”
I can’t because I do not feel my spouse ever gave full disclosure for one and two “other things” have occurred in that SEVEN years that the affair happened. There has never been a time where I felt that I could actually “breathe” and just feel safe. I feel that I must be guarded with my emotions most all the time.
What If sounds like me it’s been 5 and I still have problems
@@laneyjones2334 same here its been almost 10yrs I know it was wrong. but its driving us apart and I don't want that I love my wife way to much.
Its been 7 years for me too. She still hasn't blamed anyone else but me. To this day.
My wife cheated back in 1994 and I still deal with the fears and scars it brings! Couple of days after I found out, she had the gall to tell me I had Two Weeks to "get over it!!!" NOT!
@@jerryheck5344 jerry my wife had a 6 year affair with her boss from 1983 - 1988. I stayed married for kids. Depression on and off for 25 years. Finally got counseling 5 years ago. Never a day goes by where I don’t get a reminder in my head.
My wife disclosed she had an affair after I asked her to marry me 29 years ago. It went on for about 4 months and she broke it off. She lied to me even through a year of pre-marital counseling with our pastor. She just told me about 5 weeks ago and it devastated me and it feels like our 28 years of marriage were a lie. The affair feels like yesterday, not 29 years ago. I know it was a long time ago but the pain is very real today. The contrition I have seen is from her being caught in her lies and just lately from her being able to see the pain it has caused me and our family. Not sure what to do, seeking God and wanting to keep the marriage.
It sounds to me like you just found out. We'll, when you first wrote this comment. Of course you were devastated. For you, it's was today that the infidelity happened. My time frame of disclosure is shorter and it happened 4 months ago. But for.me disclosure was recent. Don't let her tell you to forget. I felt so used, lied to and wonder what front he put on before and after the fu*&ery.
This series is valuable! So many truths that a couple just can't see when they're in the midst of it. What to do, what not to do, and answers to important and often unanswerable questions, like this one. Both parties need to understand that sometimes, there really is no cut and dried answer.
I found out about my husbands affair Nov 2020 and many times I ask about the why and his answers are always I didn’t go to bars with him and I started fights so he didn’t want to come home. But he doesn’t remember why the fights started because he didn’t come home. I didn’t want to go to bars cuz I know what happens in them. My dad cheated on my mom there and so did my first husband. To find out our whole marriage he was unfaithful. And he refuses to answers any of my questions says he doesn’t remember or it was just talk. But the affair lasted for 2 years. And she knew about me. And some was talk but there was many mentions of things that did happen and he denies it all. So much damage and at this point how can you rebuild and someone won’t take accountability for there actions. Not only was my marriage cheated but my life was was cheated to.
I feel you... 😪
I can think of more reasons why I would cheat, but the only reasons why I didn’t cheat, or go on a sexual rampage, is because I’m in my right mind...sane and good. On the other hand, for him, it starts from boredom to thrill, then an instant stress reliever, (doesn’t last) which becomes an addiction...like drugs or alcohol. That’s why they keep going back to it and cannot control their behavior. Something in their brain goes out of whack and thinks bad is good, visa versa. It’s a cheating disorder...or the disorder happened first, and cheating follows right after.
I agree why do so many people choose to cheat?
My wife ended a 4 month affair about 3 months ago. We went to see the therapist a few times, and things are actually going really well between us right now. My issue is that I'm still in a lot of pain from her infidelity, and I want her to do more recovery work and get to the true reason of why she let herself go that far with someone else. I hate bringing recovery work up around her because it usually bums her out. I feel she regrets what she did, but I don't know if that's enough to prevent her from doing it again years from now. I know she has self acceptance issues, and I just want her to talk to someone. How do I do that without coming off as controlling? I just can't go through this hurt again.
hi chris. i'll be direct but gracious. asking your spouse to find out why they committed one of the worst atrocities you can commit in marriage is not controlling brother. asking or even demanding your spouse get expert help is not controlling. it's wanting to never have to live this way ever again. i would use these two resources to get her to cooperate: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change i would worry far less about being controlling and be far more concerned with getting expert help and with preventing relapse to never feel this way again. bumming her out is far more secondary to not having to live through this nightmare again. she did the act, so unfortunately, this is part of the consequences to her actions.
You are telling my story...THIS IS SOOOOOOO DANG HARD...ITS SOOOOO PAINFUL
Because we think we own people. Instead of understanding people aren’t perfect and make mistakes. But we feel we owe all that persons experiences
@@samshealingpodcast so so true
@@Koolfacejace1 Having an affair isn't a mere mistake. It's a damn grenade, thrown at you by the person you love the most, who you thought loved you the most. What a bunch of bunk, "we think we own people". Good grief. If you're married, you do own each other, in a biblical way. There has to be boundaries, there has to be respect, of course. Your bodies are not completely your own anymore, they do belong to the other as well. That's what the union of "the two become one flesh" is really all about. To give yourself to a third wheel is therefore sacrilege. It absolutely absolutely soul crushing to the spouse, and if they have any decency or conscience left, it's soul crushing to some extent to the cheater too.
I have no words as to how good your videos are. Thank you SO MUCH!!!! I just wish it was all available when I freshly needed it. But then better late than never. THANK YOU.
He had said I was too ugly for him.
He really doesn't love me or care for me. He's mean and calls me ugly all the time.
Even if I was ugly I still feel its mean to do that to someòne.
S Fought that’s not just mean that’s verbally abusive and bullying
S Fought As someone who’s been betrayed if they blame you it’s about them. Above you said he said you’re ugly and or not enough....Guess what it’s not you. What he says to you is what he thinks of himself, and YES he’s abusing you. He’s pushing the hate he has for himself onto you. Don’t care what anyone says here on this comment as there are decent people that may heal and mean it. Speaking from experience in going to therapy, my ex lied. Leave and heal yourself, and let him know you’re not there to abuse, humiliate and cheat just so he can feel better about himself. If he thought that he’d been decent and broke of your relationship before he played games. lThat’s an insecure man who has a void and like a vampire he is and will continue sucking the life out of the people he uses yet caress nothing about. Been there done that , and it hurts, worse when you figure out they lied about a lot, fake and phony people are takers who bait people and catch them like fish, meaning they don’t value anyone, it’s a game.
Guys do that when they wanna control, it’s easier to control you if you believe it. He’s taking away your self love. Go find it
I experienced the same...my boyfriend insult the way I look ..he insulted the colour of my skin he insult every thing about me...still I showed him love and care ...but I forgot to think that ..he never loves me faithfully he just use me for sex
Thank you, Samuel, your experiential wisdom encourages me to keep moving forward, whether or not I will ever be forgiven by my spouse, or not.
My wife had an affair and saying she has told me enough about the affair. My problem is I don’t know how the man was and I can’t get past that. She won’t tell me anything about him. I see men everywhere & can’t stop wondering is that him or is that him and I’m so stuck in my recovery. I need to get this ghost out of my head What can I do?
i would ask her to do some expert driven recovery work with you like this: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend or www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-online i would also ask her to do the free bootcamp here: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp
9:55
You create that by talking honestly about everything in both of your pasts and helping each other see how all that hurt pain and shame revealed it's self now in the marriage and in your relation with others. You go to your past together to find the real true honest answers as to why this happened. That is how. And it shouldn't take 3, 5 or 13 years.
A strong commitment spiritually strong couple will be able to navigate it and sometimes it takes the stronger of the two to get it moving in the right direction and for the right reasons.
I felt this I’m the betrayed and I’m trying so hard for us to open up with each other she was black out drunk and “doesn’t remember” idk if i should accept that answer or if she is lying. She gets black out drunk and there are times we did… I want to specify she asked me to and the next day she would remember a lot but not specific things with this monent she says she doesn’t remember anything
Could you please speak on this. We have been married almost 21 years several months ago I found out not that my husband had an affair, but that my husband was never faithful. He never stopped living the single lifestyle. I was lied to deceived the entire time. How do you work through something like this? Or do you?
Good question for me it was 48 years
Good advice, my marriage almost at the verge of falling apart
I feel stuck. It’s been about ten years. Obviously I decided to stay. I wanted to work on things and recover. I gave him the ultimatum to go or stay, one or the other but not both. He stayed, but acted like a petulant child for years. He treated me like I was the guilty party. I felt like an unwanted house guest in my own home for years. We ended up just living separate lives. It’s better now, we’re friends and get along well but still stuck in the roommate situation. I’m over it but he’s never admitted anything and never apologized for anything. He’s not willing to participate in deep conversations. He treats me well enough but there’s no intimacy. We’re older now and both have health issues. We stay together because we’re comfortable, I just don’t know how to bridge that gulf.
Affairs happen when there are opportunities, travel away from home and there are willing participants.
Opportunity presents itself to EVERYBODY. cheating is not just an opportunity thing, otherwise everyone would cheat.
True but I. 20 + years with the same man I turned down every single one wish he would have done the same
BS! Affairs happen because the affair partner is SELFISH!
No it's very clear for me. It was disconnection and abandonment
My ex kept telling me me it was a mistake but it was not it was a choice. He always tried to make me feel bad for getting even more hurt by his disrespectful dismissive behaviour and statements
This is a very hard one to watch. My husband cheated on me for almost a year and told me about it March 14, 2024. We have a fantastic therapist and we also see her minister of her church weekly. But it’s disheartening and scary to realize this is going to take a long time. I am so impatient and I just wanna get to the good stuff. I’m tired of feeling betrayed. I’m tired of not trusting him. I’m tired of being paranoid. I’m tired of hating her.
Sorry to reiterate this, but the fact is, it will be YEARS of recovery ❤️🩹
Honest to God, it took 2.5 years to get the "why" - & it was a game changer. Once I had that last piece it was like a light switch..never ever will be ok..but, I can live with it differently now. I know Jesus Himself cut out the dead infection in my heart & is healing it. He cut the dead infection out of my marriage and is healing it. I never ever in 1000 years believed I'd feel the way I do today. I pray for every single one of you. I am SO sorry you are on this path.
How are you guys doing now ?
This guy truly gets it! Sound advice.
Samuel i need to say thank you ! If it weren’t for your videos id probably be in jail for breaking the jaw of the man that my wife was txting and talking to literally all day long never met but it was well on the way if I didn’t find the dirty txt he sent her !! I have alit of rage now but i am slowly calming down . Your videos really are helping me again thank you 🙏
Why you cheated by Samuel strikes such a chord with me, and almost all videos Infact, u guys are God's gift to ppl like myself, I discovered my husband's sex addiction and multiple relationships 5months ago. I m broken but picking up every day a piece. My husband still is very masked and doesn't want to get any help, reads articles which I print for him and extremely defensive, always abusive and putting blame on me and judging me for outbursts. Finally agreed for EMS online though as I said I want separation,no longer playing into threats and blamegames. My sanity is entirely coz of you great guys Samuel, Dr Wayne and Rick🙏
You with a straight up narcissist best thing for you is to understand narcissism then show your husband those videos.. does your husband show any remorse or empathy for what he did? If he is constantly putting the blame on you and has a mask as you say and he could be narcissistic and if that is the case then you are dealing with somebody who will never change who will never love you who will never ever feel sorry they don't have empathy they copy you and they make you because they don't know how to be themselves. I'm not giving you a self-diagnosis or anything I'm telling you based on my own experiences with NPD father and mother brothers and sisters it's been around me my entire life and now I see it everywhere. Watch Dr Grande's videos on Covert narcissism and overt narcissism if he's being abusive and blame shifting then he's overt. Good luck and God be with you.
As an unfaithful spouse I got a lot out of watching this. Thank you for explaining this important process so I can learn how to move on from this dark period in my life.
So my daughters father cheated on me with my neighbor, my friend, my ex boyfriend's new girlfriend and a prostitute. 2 months after I had his daughter. I left him for 2 years. He is sober now and we have been trying NOW for 3 years but It is so hard for me... I don't understand. And I don't accept his answer "drugs" ... I want to forgive but howwwww? I have tried therapy, hypnosis, depression pills and nothing works... I feel depressed, ugly, unworthy... I have an amazing daughter, I love my job ( working with animals) how do I deal with it
My husband says “because he liked her” it was a work colleague that he spent too much time with as friends and she made a move on him. The feelings grew so he fell for her. Meanwhile I’m at home with our newborn baby and 3 year old and a loving giving wife, as much as I can be when you’ve just had a baby! He loves me and has always been a good husband and father. He’s sorry and remorseful and owned up and finished it after a year. I’m destroyed but getting stronger.
I can’t except the reason as “coz I liked her”
I think that is a clueless, ignorant and immature response. A lot of people like people it doesn’t meant they “choose” to start an affair with them. He was weak for some reason.
Any thoughts or understanding?
Donna (UK)
I had a profound thought this morning. Perhaps men see marriage as a competition of who can be happiest in the marriage ? And at some stage they think their wife is winning the happy in my life competition? Cause she has the kids and the house to look after. And that doesn’t look to be as hard as going to work everyday so in order to try and win the ,‘I’m the happiest ‘ competion they decide to ‘cheat’ to win , and that’s why infidelity is called cheating , I know it called the human race. But does it really have to be that it’s a competition ?
My husband aged 60 had an affair with a 16 year old girl who boarded with us. We worked with 2 separate counselors - but 7 years down the track my husband can still not explain why it happened. His response is "it was crazy". Obviously this relationship was completely inappropriate, abusive and manipulative. My question is are there any videos that address "inappropriate infidelity" - that would help me I feel tremendous shame - I know I shouldn't but.............
we don't have any for that my friend. i'm very sorry. what help has he received and what work has he done? are they just general counselors or were they experts and what help is he receiving now?
I'm sorry that this happened to you. But that is not an affair. That is ... Something else with such an age gap. 😳 I pray that you get the help and peace that you need. 🙏💞
It's just over 2yrs from the 1st D-Day and 6 months from the 2nd. My husband says he cheated because he had nothing at home. He also seems to suffer from some form of black-outs/amnesia that my gut feels is selective. We have been together 25 years and I am immensely sad that I do not know him and even sadder to know he isn't worth knowing. I regret giving him 25 years of chances he didn't deserve.
i'm so sorry becca. are you getting any help? have you asked him to get professional help through something like our courses or intensives etc? will he do it?
My husband told me he cheated because he thought once my daughter graduated high school he thought I was going to leave and I'm like seriously! He continued the affair when I found out and than finally ended it but still stays in contact with her cause she didn't deserve what happened with them breaking up and is also still in the justified stage blaming me, so I decided to just work on me and let the situation go I hope he finally gets it but i doubt it. I'm so ready to leave
My husband blames his mental health. He says he was suicidal and that he was either going to commit suicide or start an affair with that woman who he met. He says - It was a delusion of happiness I could’nt resist. And that he initially wanted to leave me. But deep inside he never stopped loving me. But he also says he never felt appreciated by me and that he has tried to discuss my issues but I never listened.
He had a one year affair and even got her pregnant.
He never told me. She did. Because the pregnancy made them part.
I left him. But he still tries to win me back. It’s been 1 year and 7 months since D-day. And I cant move on, but I cant go back to him. I’m to hurt. I am to scared. I want to, but I cant see how we will make it work. I just see constant argue.
We have been to counselling and separate therapy. Is there hope?
Satan; deceives, divides, destroys.
can't give him all the blame bro
i blame the chupacabra
Soooooooooooo helpful and spot on! You need to spread this information!!!!! Please!
What if they say they have no idea. And he cannot figure it out.
unfortunately, for the long term and the safety of your marriage, that's not good enough. he will need to do expert driven recovery work to find out why. he's not going to be able to figure it out on his own, hence the need for expert care and support. the right program and approach can help him find out why. here is a course for him: www.affairrecovery.com/product/hope-for-healing hope that helps.
my spouse was telling me he ended the affair..but why doenst want to sleep with me?
Wow! Thank you for being an honest man!
As the betrayed spouse who just had a baby 7 months ago I’m just adjusting to my body again it’s just different now and his why was I don’t show him my body anymore so he needed to see others and now I keep comparing and feeling disgusted with myself can you direct me to a video more relevant to me
hi there. it's simply not true. he's self diagnosing which never ends well and is clouded by a lack of objectivity and expertise and training. his answer seems to be simply justifying it and minimizing it and it's simply not that simple or even true. here are some thoughts on why spouses cheat in article form: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-unfaithful-why-did-they-cheat-part-one-the-role-of-oxytocin ((it's a two or three part series))
Hello. I’m going through the same thing now myself. I found about my husband’s affairs with prostitutes and online hookups 5 weeks after our baby was born. After I had the baby he would beg me for sex and cry about that he couldn’t get sex. I was so angry at him for not understanding what my body went through to give him the greatest blessing of his life. It boils down to its not a new problem it’s a him problem. He wasn’t ready to be a true husband and father. The image he had of marriage and fatherhood was selfish and was only what he could get out of it. He’s going through recovery of sex addiction but I’m really hoping he changes his mindset and understands that we as his family have needs and feelings too aside from just himself. That there are responsibilities for the household where his wants and desires will be put on hold until dishes are clean, kids are clothed and bathed, babies are fed, etc. it makes me angry sometimes that he left me to struggle by myself with those things while he went out and spent our family’s money on other women just because they promised him sex. If he was patient and waited and helped with some household duties he could’ve gotten it from home for free. He’s trying to change and wants approval, but I don’t want to give him approval for just doing regular responsibilities. I never got those thank yous. I got cheated on because I was “too busy” with responsibilities he helped me create.
we really need this i hope we could do this together, he had an affair while i am away and we had problem but now we were together he still communicate with her and he is still seeing her after he said that it was over.
Samuel. Can you address how a betrayed can figure out why it happened. Specifically when it ended in divorce and unfaithful never got to point to being able to communicate at all about what happened? How do we betrayed work through that?
i would study infidelity from a source you trust to gain insight into why people cheat. affairrecovery.com is a great place to do that, so is survivinginfidelity.com but also reading books, looking for information on why someone cheats. you need sources you can trust though and rely upon for objective, non condemning information ya know? not just, 'cause cheaters are wicked people.' as you gain insight you can then put some pieces together on why spouses cheat and gain information into it all.
I having a hard time with my wife because she is stuck in her happy little world of instagram, facebook, my life is great.... ect .ect .meeting more people, and justifying all the time on her phone because she is a marketer....surrounded by many successful men all day....i get it....but dosent give a crap what i think or how i feel....her actions show it....last night her sister asked her out to sushi and i said i dont feel like going, ....i was hoping she would have stayed home with me last night.....with everything we are "trying to rebuild" ....im left very confused as to how someone would not consider how i would feel left at home , abd as for her sister who knows whats going on, why would she think its OK for my wife to go out with her at this time....
Wife cheated on me about 6 months ago i found that she was have affair for two year. We still together. It been very hard for me that she had an affair, we are married for 10 year. I feel lyl just yesterday my world was turn up side down. I dnt now what to do it been a very hard road from. My wife feel nothing has happened. And it my fault it happened. I feel so sad al the time
Mine did because I didn't "open up, share, and express" myself. Then, when I did... ran away from me. And still does whenever I try to reconnect.
My husband says. That it because it was offered to him and it was too hard to resist
My husband does so little recovery work it's ridiculous. And still i want to mend our marriage. The pain is just too much sometimes. 😢
Two Bible principles that would help tremendously : God's word is alive and exerts power and is stronger than any two edged sword able to divide thoughts and Intentions of the heart.
We can fool ourselves but against the mirror of God's word we can no longer lie to ourselves, he reveals who we really are as opposed to who we think we are or wish we are.
The answer I was given was... "I was board and i wanted something diffrent, plus I knew you trusted me so I could get away with it".
Can you please tell me what would make a man cheat after just five months of marriage and tells me he doesn’t know why
Hi im following your posts and i must say they are really helping my husband was having sex with prostitutes and keeps saying its better than an affair how can it be better to me its worse as he not only decieved me he laid me open to disease i know this is a tough question but his indifference hurts
as unf, we minimize our choices. we always try and minimize the effect of what we've done and what impact we've brought upon our spouse/partner. it's unfortunately, a normal defense mechanism. the truth is, it's not better or easier, it hurts like hell. it also opened you up to dangers that are less likely to happen if he was just having an affair with one woman....he's engaged in behavior that could have cost you your life even with known diseases. i'm sorry you're in this spot. i would take care of you, draw boundaries and get expert help so that an expert can help bring truth, clarity and healing to the situation: especially his version or idea of what's better or worse. don't panic, this is normal, but you do need expert care/intervention.
He says if I would just get past the fact that he left me for her, & take responsibility for our marriage problems, we might have something to rebuild on. He blames me for everything that went wrong, & for everything he has done.
Oh my. It’s like you were in the room when he explained to me. Why he had his affairs,
Is 24 years enough time to recover? Is it right for your spouse to use you affair to justify anything they are doing now?
more than enough time, unless the right help has not been utilized or they don't want to change. then perhaps, it's more than enough time to move on.
Why if his reasons is he don't love you anymore, or not sure if he love you even at the beginning of your marriage, and he's believing that he love his affair so much.? That he can afford to abandon you and your kids. For her affair.
My husband told me it's because we just started dating and he ( apparently only emotional, which I dont believe ) just like the attention. It went on for a year.. caught him texting.. he denied it and made me feel crazy.. and then it came out that he was texting her.. then he did it for another year right as we bought a house.. I felt trapped and like I didn't have a choice but to get the house otherwise my son and I would have been homeless for a short time.. something I will never allow. So we moved in and 7 years later (aka now).. he won't suggest counseling or anything. I just get the I don't remember anything line.. and I feel lost.. stuck and like I want out.. any advise for people like me😭.
I am the unfaithful in the relationship. I did not have an affair so to speak but an addiction to on line chatting to women. Now I know this is still seen as an affair by my wife. I have found your on line videos to be extremely helpful in my recovery. I have mentioned to my wife to take a look but she refuses to Even to the point of saying she doesn’t need help
How can I convince her to just take a look at one of your videos
i don't know that you can make her do it my friend. it may be worth it to actually reverse your course of action and not ask her to do it. maybe that will make her feel safe to look at them on her own? i would focus on something else to help her or let her do her own work right now. if it's not working, maybe it's just not the time right now to focus on these videos with her and let her do her own work and you do yours?
We are 3 months out from discovery. Husband emotionally cheated going to a bar for 4 years because it was easy he says. We are going thru counseling and that is only answer he gave and the counselor seems content with that and I am not.
What if the infidelity happened because there's no longer any love I'm the relationship? What if there's active resentment and neither partner wants to do therapy? What is best? What is best for the kids?
it's a case by case basis my friend. that love and respect can come back if both parties are open to it. however, it's not a guarantee though. i would see about seeing an expert and walking through a process that can help you decide if you want to see if it can be saved....if not, sadly it may be time to end the relationship and prioritize your own healing and the kids' well being.
Thank you for sharing!
My husband claims. He does NOT KNOW why he did it. He has no clue. :/ I say.... He knows. He just don't want to say.
even if he says he knows, he probably doesn't as he's not an expert, too close to the situation, and probably hasn't had expert care, right? so he is probably going to be speculating. i would get expert help and see if that helps him know why. even if he were to blame you, that's only his response now, not after expert help.
Same!
Oh my gosh Samuel hearing you describe your why at the beginning of your recovery (6:08) versus later (6:52) versus now (7:45) really gave me soo much hope for my spouse. Today I’m ready to give up standing because it seems like 1) he will forever blame me for his cheating 2)no matter how hard I try I will never improve enough in the areas where he had complaints about me - they are things I’ve been trying to improve in myself for my entire life and even though I make progress these are areas where I’m likely to continue to miss the mark. So how can I ever be good enough to meet those needs he felt were so grossly unmet that he could abandon me and our son?
But this video gives me hope that he will be able to mature and evolve to a place of owning it, and even going so far as you did in seeing how your selfishness impeded you from having compassion for what was going on inside your wife that you could’ve been helping her with! I have owned the things that I should’ve done differently before his affair, and I feel like I’m ready to be more aware of his needs and my shortcomings, but I’ll never be perfect, and this video helps give me hope that my husband will someday be able to look away from my flaws to do the work that needs to be done inside himself, and that he can become a leader who is courageous and humble who I can admire and trust because of his maturity, compassion and understanding. I hope to be more helpful to him. The thought that he might someday say “the bottom line is that I cheated because I was selfish and wasn’t at any level mature enough or courageous enough to resist” or make any reference to “the weaknesses in my life” or “self absorption”… wow, what a concept. Thank you so very much for giving me a glimpse into what’s possible. God bless your marriage.
This is so beautiful. Thank you. He may not ever tell me his why but this helps.
i'm so glad i could help. it's an honor to help you and stand with you.
If only he would read some books on this or look on the site for himself. Four months since discovery of a sexually charged emotional affair going on under my nose, often under my roof, as she was introduced as his acquaintance whose dad had died and we'd help her out. Our struggles didn't start w/ this affair. I've always had a fight for boundaries w/ him, starting w/ smoking in my car. I wish I had realized what that would snowball into, because I would have broken it off the first year. That was proceeded by years of sneaking porn, making excuses for it. Then 3 years of closet drinking when I tried to put some boundaries on his drinking, he'd be stashing them all over to drink later. Couldn't win that battle either, so had to ignore that one too. The estrangement, lack of love I felt from everything being a battle, tons of broken promises, turned into the latest boundary and broken promise issue of his little sweetie he felt entitled to. He snuck around w/ her a few months, smoked in my car full time, instead of the furtive lean ins w/ cigarettes that he'd always deny he did on purpose. I pulled the car a month ago and we have to do all errands together now, but the excuses for lighting up while standing in my open car door continue since yesterday. He's gaslighting and claiming this is a forgetful little setback. I know it's a foundational issue. I didn't know 9 years ago how big the disrespectul boundary issue w/ the car would get, but I sure do now and seem to be back at square one.
Yeah, that sounds like you're codependent with a very dysfunctional man. He has problems but so do you. Heal yourself and then decide if you still want him
What if he says he doesn’t know?
expert help will help him find out why.
So is it the why actually changing or that the person gets a better understanding/insight of the why? If there is a reason for something,...and if it is really changing... why should the reason keep changing? And if it keeps changing, then could we say there's the risk that the person doesn't actually know the reason for real, but rather keep finding that other (new) "reason" depending on their state and where they are in recovery? It could all be helpful eventually for healing and recovery, but will it really be the real reason?
I think you are confusing or mixing three different components. The first is understanding why you committed the affair and even if you’re understanding deepens as time goes on, it doesn’t mean your initial understanding was wrong. Second is taking ownership, which is a different component than understanding why. And third is understanding the results of an affair. Hopefully as time goes onunderstanding deepens in all three areas. And yet in one sense, they need to be kept separate I think.
Thanks for sharing a great video...
Its been 8 years since i ruined my families life. I can give reasons but i know theres something wrong with me. Why did i let it happen? How do i figure out what my problem is. Even though im divorced i want to fix me . i never want that to happen again. Is it as simple as i need attention? Thats shallow. I really dont know who i am because i think im a good person honest loyal trustworthy but those words do not discribe a person who cheats.
hi there. i need attention is a bit of an oversimplification my friend. it's deeper than that. this course will help you immensely: www.affairrecovery.com/product/hope-for-healing you'll find that on our site and it's life changing. it will help you find out why you did what you did and how to move forward, taking care of and loving yourself, not to mention forgiving yourself. are you reading any books at all? what type of background do you come from in terms of world view?
If the deeper reason is that you need attention there's actually nothing wrong with that. I've been cheated on yet also came extremely close to giving in to temptation myself too, and indeed in both cases the foundation of the temptations/actual affair? Attention. Kind, nurturing, friendly, intense and loving, attention. Just not from partner!
He says he had no idea why it happened.....really
I have been doing basically NOTHING to heal my wives heart. For five years now. She is devastated. I. Just can’t seem to get it together. I do want to be with her, I don’t know why I’m this way Do you have any thoughts on this?? Please help me. I. NEED to help my love. Thanks
why if your spouse says he has no ideal or reason of cheating on you?
there's always a reason my friend. some of it is truth some of it is not...the expert process will help them find out why. if they don't know why, the chances of relapse increase exponentially. he may have no idea....but an expert and an expert process will help him understand why.
My husband cheated at least 8 times in our 26 years together. I am done
😳 WOW....SO "PROFOUND"!!!
No I must not know because they should not at all cost only option is they walk away
My wife had an affair for 6 months she knew the guy for around 10 years but never acted on it. I then got made redundant worked shift work, was constantly tired, grumpy and we just argued. He gave her the attention l didnt, but he played her, swamped her with messages, especially when she was at home with me. I knew she was up to something, you just know as she never left her phone anywhere, her appearance changed, always asking what time l would finish work. In the end he finished it, he knew l was onto him and he was weak. Also my wife said she would never leave me. He had his fun, we are working through it on our own and 3 months down the line our marriage is good. My wife says l'm the better man, better in bed, better looking etc.. but l allowed it to happen by neglecting her needs and she acted on it. The opportunity was there for her.
God!! Takes too much timeee!!😩
It’s been almost 3 years since my wife found out about my double life (porn, strip clubs, one night stands, affairs) and I still am unable to find a reason why. She asks me all the time and I just don’t know or maybe I just don’t want to say. Not sure! We have been together for 41 years and I have been doing these things for many of those years and she never knew about it until April of 2015 when she found porn on my Computer. Other things started to come into light after that and I have never been able to be honest about anything. Most things she has found out about me after that through looking and searching my life and an affair partner started to text my phone and she saw it.. I lied for many years when she asked me about things when she had gut feelings about something. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I be honest?
it's normal. it's probably a fear to tell her everything as it will crush her and hurt her more. it's also just a normal desire to not give up all the info out of fear of having her feel so much pain. if you want to heal though, you'll need to get expert help and find a third party to help you understand why you do what you do and where it's all coming from. this course may help: www.affairrecovery.com/product/hope-for-healing this article will also help you my friend: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/survive-an-affair-how-much-to-tell hope those thoughts help you.
Lou S. Wow, thanks for sharing. If you can be honest knowing your not going to be held accountable here, then you can do that and be honest with you wife. Be truthful about wanting both, and decide to leave the other alone
Subtle blame
I have an idea of why I did it and all the reasons I did... The problem is that is has happened multiple times and she is at a breaking point.. She is about to go out of town and Im so scared that if she leaves without us making any head way at all, that'll be it. She wants space right now and doesnt want to hear anything I have to say. I have been watching your videos and trying techniques from there but tried before she wants to try. I hate what I have done and I need help to not do it again. I feel that the reason I did it is because the affair partner is from my past and easy to talk to. She is from a time that I could just flirt and girls were all over me in a flirting way. I also have only been with my wife sexually and that has made me curious of how other women would feel in that way. The affair was emotional but still is as bad. Im lost at what to do next... I am seeking professional help but I feel nothing matters if I dont get her back. I don't carre about me. Just her... I know that that is not a good way of thinking and that we both need to recover but its how I feel. I just have no way of knowing whats going to happen... I am scared of my family tearing apart and I know that I am to blame and it makes me hate myself... Im just lost
I'm the unfaithful and have changed my life. I have god in my life but my wife is still feeling like the first day of me telling her about my affair. She has been watching affair recovery video's mostly yours. From 4 to 5 video's a day. I think that's not helping her move on and start healing. My therapist tells me I'm moving well and should tell her to stop watching so many video's. Can you make a video regarding this case or is it time to move on. I really love her alot and give her assurance.
She obviously needs more/different from you. Ask her! Then actually do what she says! Be humble and FIX the damage you caused...
In another video, you talk about how saying you had pizza when your receipt showed wings made Samantha distrust you. If I keep coming up with new answers to the same question, isn't that going to sound like the same old game of bringing different answers hoping to find one that she'll accept?
i'm not sure i understand the question... but if i do, sometimes we need to have the same answer, but maybe find new verbiage, or maybe simply try and go deeper into answering the question. if it's a simple question of what did you eat/drink/go etc, well then it should never change.
@@samshealingpodcast OK. thank you for replying. i appreciate that.
Its been 6 years since I discovered my wife’s infidelity. She refuses to speak of it and refuses to address anything
OH MAN!
They cheated because they are selfish.
😞
Your family is blessed
thank you so much