Why You Always Need CONTROL
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- Опубліковано 1 чер 2023
- Cope with your BPD symptoms using my BPD Card Deck: The BPD Card Deck: 50 Ways to Balance Emotions and Live Well with Borderline Personality Disorder. Available at: www.shorturl.at/jBHJV
Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:
shorturl.at/bxB05
In this video, I'm going to share with you the mystery of why we need control. I'll talk about the fear that underlies our need for control and the different ways that BPD can manifest. I'll also discuss abandonment fears, emptiness and rejection sensitivity, and how to overcome them.
Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and a multi-award-winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 20 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.
He has published several articles in these areas and is the author of:
The BPD Card Deck: 50 Ways to Balance Emotions and Live Well with Borderline Personality Disorder. Available at: www.shorturl.at/jBHJV
Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:
rb.gy/hdyqyy
Antisocial, Narcissistic, and Borderline Personality Disorders: A New Conceptualization of Development, Reinforcement, Expression, and Treatment. Available at: tinyurl.com/2anv8dww
The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook: An Integrative Program to Understand and Manage Your BPD. Available at: goo.gl/LQEgy1
Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic and Histrionic Workbook: Treatment Strategies for Cluster B Personality Disorders (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Gold Award Winner): goo.gl/BLRkFy
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Toolbox: 55 Practical Treatment Techniques for Clients, Their Parents & Their Children (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Silver Award Winner):: goo.gl/sZYhym
The Clinician’s Guide to Diagnosis and Treatment of Personality Disorders: goo.gl/ZAVe9v
Dr. Fox has given numerous workshops and seminars on ethics and personality disorders, personality disorders and crime, treatment solutions for treating clients along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum, emotional intelligence, managing mental health within the prison system, and others. Dr. Fox maintains a website of various treatment interventions focused on working with and attenuating the symptomatology related to individuals along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum (www.drdfox.com).
UA-cam: / @drdanielfox
Dr. Fox’s website: www.drdfox.com/
Dr. Fox’s Blog: www.psychologytoday.com/us/bl...
Facebook: / appliedpsychservices
Twitter: / drdanieljfox1
LinkedIn: / drdfox
Instagram: / drdfox
Amazon Author’s Page: amazon.com/author/drfox
Videos edited by Emil Christopher: emilchristopheredits@gmail.com
Thank you for your attention and I hope you enjoy my videos and find them helpful and subscribe. I always welcome topic suggestions and comments.
I dont know who I am without others.
I literally said this last night. I feel you, Tarren.
Wow...same. That just hit me hard.
Same
You and other are one and the same. All is one
I have an overwhelming issue with feeling possessive beyond imagined jealousy, and I swore to myself I'm not gonna engage into an intimate relationship with anyone until I have that somewhat under control (haha)
I hate how it feels and I'm deeply, deeply ashamed for it. But at the same time, I know that I can be better one day 💛
Same here 💯
I think I’m doing better because I’m not in a relationship
I sympathise. I have been stable for the last 15 years because of not letting anyone in my life. I always thought it was my choice but now at 60, I realise it was avoidance. Hopefully not too late to work on it. I just listened to an audiobook called Dialectical Behaviour Therapy by Steven Turner which is very useful.
@@helly_bell that makes me hopeful. i'm very glad for your success 😊
I so relate to you
I don't know if anyone relates to this, but as someone with bpd, I've been really attracted to the whole bdsm thing. The idea of being someone's superior just because that's something they really enjoy while I do get that sense of comfort feels weird yet reassuring. I've met a lot of people with bpd that gravitates towards these kind of relationships because of the safety being in control provides, same as being owned yourself (feels like the dominant person has a responsibility with you and can't just dump you).
I wonder if there's some kind of connection between bpd and dom-sub relationships.
In ‘healthy’ bdsm I control the situation as a sub. I decided how hard I let them go. They control my body. I feel safest with clear roles and boundaries.
The dom/sub relationship gives me that.
There has to be some connection with this and bpd.
Thank you for putting yourself out like that. These things are hard to admit to or talk about.
I think a lot of sexuality arises from the psychological states of the participants. A lot of it can revolve around feelings of if power or control. Of course, the stereotype for people with BPD is that they end up with narcissists because they tick each others' boxes: the narcissist seeking a source of narcissistic supply and interpreting the BPD's "neediness" as validation, and the BPD interpreting the Narcissist need for their validation as love.
I tried several times. (43 by now, first try was with 31) My CPTSD is too tough, it never worked out bc they simply neglected me. (My answer regarding "my king", to your other reply to my own question about control)
Or one partner for 10 months who had experience only in certain areas like the sm part and told me a few weeks later, nope, I can´t take any joy from this one, so we didn´t try again.
Also he freaked out completely when my "child voice" sudenly came out. First time I felt safe. I didn´t even know it is in there anymore, my voice pitched only one time before when I was 17? in front of my mother and she looked at me as if she wanted to kill me, saying, no, stop that! God, I thought I would fall from the chair and just die from shame.
I thought I could figure these things out with likemeinded people, but never underestimate how deceiving someone with narcissism or sadism is. They don´t play by the rules unless both are in full spotlight and under 3rd instance control is my experience.
@@esthersayers9978 I´m glad you could figure out rules for that. I never even intentionally tried playing with fire but the other part always found a way to get his supply in other ways where it hurt for real but never made it to a place where it was supposed to be. They aren´t dumb. Letting someone wait endlessly for a date, always consolating can give them the needed attention and begging from the one on the receiving end, there are hundred ways to avoid they have to put themselves actually outthere. It´s just not fun without real pain and way too time consuming for most!
There´s a reason there´s a long long tradition for men to pay for services.
If you were a child or became a parent, you understand we need control. Same with business, government, military, medicine.
But, measured control. We are rebellious when controlled too much, the "controller" gets the opposite desired effect.
As much as I hate to admit it, trying attain control definitely creeps into my life. This could be eye opening for sure, I can’t wait! 😊 Thank you Dr. Fox!
It’s cool to recognize things you talk about in your videos in your books. Almost like having a text book to follow along with! Thanks dr fox, I feel like I’m finally starting to reflect on myself in ways I never did before realizing I have BPD. I feel like I just might be capable of improving. It’s a constant mental struggle, the slightest failure or mistake in my daily life sends me into an awful shame and anger spiral, that’s the main hurdle.
After I split from my FP (platonic) a few years ago, I did a lot of research, found this channel and learned some coping skills. I decided to start therapy to get more help and went thru a 2 month long 6hr a day, 5 days a week DBT/CBT group therapy program and this topic came up one day. Looking back at that relationship, I called the shots. I made rules like you have to text me goodnight or spend your lunch break texting with me. We played survival games online and they were not allowed to leave me alone or do their own thing. When the group helped me realize that I was trying to control my FP, it really woke me up. I've been with my boyfriend (not FP) for almost 14yrs and I took a hard look at how I treated him. I corrected some things and now our relationship is a lot better. I didn't even realize that I was trying to control him or my FP until I was made aware of it. After the group therapy, I did talk therapy for 6 months and worked on it some more. I'm very mindful of how I treat people now. Thanks for this video :)
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
my partner and me just got into a tiff about this kinda topic about how he feels he cant just live his life freely ........ even hearing that drives me nuts inside ...... grate video ...... hoping i will get to this point of what will happen will happen and i need to accept it will be what it is .... and that's ok i will servive without having to see myself as broken and since I'm broken no one will be what i need them to be i need to find what i want in life without worrying on who they are to me and how they prove who they are to me .... that last part is my biggest issue is feeling they nee to constenlty prove the still are who i need them to be ......
I have revisited this today. Sometimes you need to go back to aid the learning, growing and changing.
Love your studio. Makes me feel calm and open to learning new behaviors.
How well-worded, I love that you treat your audience as the human beings we all deserve and strive to be 🤗
I just wanted to say thank you! I found your UA-cam over a year ago while researching some of my symptoms. Then I worked through the BPD Workbook and the Complex Borderline Personality Workbook. I’m currently working through them again because I feel like I didn’t give myself the proper time to apply everything, I was just so excited to get through a book that could actually help me. Anyway, I was once again looking for some help with my mental health today when I clicked on a Psychology Today article and noticed that you wrote it (:
I’m in therapy now but I continue to learn more about myself and others from your UA-cam videos and the other resources that you’ve put out. I have more hope for myself and life in general now. It can be hard to find help, so I’m very thankful that you put all of the time and effort into your work. The information is invaluable, thank you so much ♥️
This was another interesting video Dr. Fox. I’ve never felt the need to control other people, but I do tend to avoid people I find unpredictable-a lot of people are unpredictable, it turns out, at least to my mind. Thanks for another great video.
So glad your on this Earth Dr Fox
Thanks.
That was really interesting. I have been diagnosed with BPD since age 23 (symptomatic since early teens), now I'm 38 and lucid dreaming often about being in a mall. Always, I am aware I am dreaming and all I want is the man that left me. I can make him appear, I can make everyone else disappear, but I can't reach him. It's like I'm wanting to control him, to make him want me again, to reach out to me, but my brain is trying to tell me that I can't. I have been thinking about these dreams in the context of control and what you're saying makes perfect sense. Also just started a new job and watched your video on working with BPD - the more aware I become the more afraid I am though. It's like now I know how mental I am that subconscious fear of abandonment is becoming ever more conscious..
Great video. This really spoke to me
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
Oops, I thought the video was about the desire to control yourself and things that effect your life. Great video for sure! Thank you Dr. Fox.
You're very welcome. I'm glad the video was helpful. Be well.
I keep my sanity and soul in tact,by reading and listening to your knowledge based on bpd. My husband has lately wakes up starts to provoke a fight and justifies his every behavior actions and comments by blame. I do not participate in this activity AT ALL!!!
Also, I have a very important question and could be a future topic. What has contributed to a person displaying a false humility. And pious behavior that will suck even the most healthy mentally a person could be. Then bait you and switch on a person with pit viper strikes of anger,violence,insults and blame. Then totally control the situation by repetitive fickle and unstable emotions. Then tell the person it's all there fault why he reacted that way.in other words the person caused their reactions...
Not trying to control others, trying to control fears, they are just really big. Also it's imperative to feel heard and understood. If the person around you feels controlled that doesn't necessarily mean you're controlling it means there's some miscommunication and an opportunity to break down barriers. I would do anything for my favorite person, if they said I was controlling I would step back and let them do whatever they wanted at the expense of my wants and needs. ( Boundaries) This leaving myself vulnerable to be taken advantage of. ( Granted feeling taken advantage of is part of the bpd lens) but calling someone controlling is essentially unkind and not helpful, respectfully. So-called controlling behaviors stem from a sense of feeling powerlessness. And it is common humanity that the best way to empower someone is to listen and hear them.1. People are not controlling, they have controlling behaviors 2. Controlling behaviors stem from a sense of powerlessness 3. Powerlessness is diminished with communication. Via internal dialogue, journaling, partner communication and prayer. ✂️ Negativity bias.
Thanks for your videos and open dialogue, I hsve grown substantially throughout the years. And appreciate the open discussions provided in the comments. 😊
You're very welcome. I'm glad the video was helpful. Be well.
It'd be interesting to see how much this ties in with ADHD, as I believe rejection sensitivity can be a symptom? Also, what the overlap or differences with OCPD are in wanting to control someone.
I feel like a lot of people experience BPD and the symptoms in romantic relationships with a partner, but what about with friends? A video on this would be helpful.
More please.😢 I crave the knowledge.
I’ll do my best. Thanks
I rationally understand this video, but emotionally veer toward, but I need people in my life... And I often settle for who will even try to deal with me.
i struggle w this alot
i feaking hear ya
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
No control ❤️✌🏼🙏🏼
Actually I think control is about keeping anxiety and fear at bay. Control is like a bell jar over yourself to prevent harm to self.
Thank you for saying and sharing. Be well.
Wierd cause.. I tend to feel like IM the one being controlled in my life, and recently It was confirmed. When i brought this up to my boyfriend of 8 years(npd traits and symptoms) he admitted and came to terms with the fact that he uses circular arguing, gas lighting, and shaming, to change the way i dress or act because it makes him intimidated and afraid ill leave him. Guilt trips, shame, coercion, gas lighting, etc are not things that I do to people. Ever. Emotionally I don't want to control others with these things. Not even when I look deep down and put my heart on my sleeve, or inspect my traits and symptoms deeply, I don't think that way, i dont want others to feel like I do. If I feel like someone wants to leave me, if i percieve abandonment, and the family in my head is telling me its never going to get better, my first reaction is to just break up with that person so that im not hurting anymore, and the problems wont continue. My initial reaction is to leave, because thats what i CAN control, thats me and my choices. I want to control MYSELF not others 😢
Insight is a powerful thing. Use it to learn about yourself and to build adaptive strategies to help yourself. Be well.
@@bentosan absolutely, Hes always being proud of me and my steps to being healthy, and he's all around an amazing person, we have two kids together, so it was hard to bring up to him without feeling I was attacking or accusing him, i used "I feel" statements and stayed focused, took breaks and stayed calm, it took hours but we came away feeling understood and seen instead and I wasn't left feeling confused and sorry like before when I'd bring up the issues
@@DrDanielFox always, maybe this didn't resonate with me, doesn't mean it won't with others.. I tend to forget I'm not going to experience every symptom to the same severity as everyone else, and that doesn't make you wrong lol
Whoah, I never had my partner I was the longest with admit that, but looking back and watching videos by therapists here I come to see more and more how he manipulated me. I cried a lot, was send to the livingroom for sleep, because he completely sex starved me (this is a big thing in NPD bc intimacy can be extremely uncontrollable).
"Defeminisation" is what mine did until I thought Im transgender. Not a joke.
He never said I love you, but told me one day he´s in love with his piano and violin teacher. I mean so obvious XD I was his wingman for 5 years. I won´t forget what we had bc I never had someone in my life who would take me by the hand and play family. But it wasn´t. Typically the vulnerable partner gets less out of the RS because they are easily manipulated (my family prepared me very well for expecting the least).
I remember him saying, you´re really happy right now, hm? Well, this is how it should be I guess.
That´s one way to say stay this way and let´s see who wakes up alone.
Cognitively I get it, and I agree with you but emotionally I cant handle it. Emotionally, I cant put it into practice and manage it, at least I haven’t figured out how to do that yet… and that’s okay. #cepv #IMustWin
Never give up and be self compassionate. I do understand that it’s hard to do.
I am too comfortable to get ride of negative people ,but struggling to connect with healthy people as I diagnose people around me and find all of them toxic😂were do I go from here
It's important to surround yourself with positive and supportive people. Keep looking, you'll find the right ones!
I´m rather new to this topic, so I have to ask, is BPD about trying to control the important persons or also about needing controll? When I clicked on it, I thought it would be about your own need and the fear you feel because you´re alone.
The way I understand it, you control others, specially important people because at the end of the day people with bpd are usually afraid of being abandoned or hurt. And controlling others creates a false sense of security. At the end of the day this only hurts the relationship since no person is going to tolerate being controlled for so long and they can always leave.
Sometimes I'm not even aware I'm controlling people. It's just in so many small ways that I've started to notice a pattern in all of my different relationships.
@@DeeSpaceNine Thank you a lot for your explanation! 💖💖
To me these psychology videos in which different mechanisms are explained are very helpful bc even if it´s not these classic relationship model of narcissism and BPD (exagerated "love made in hell") I cann see much of these things in my childhood to adulthoof family and then in relationships. Only that I suffered quietly under the emotional starving and physical starvation until I was able to leave. Much neglect, weeks and months of silence treatment and my completely silly hope he´ll come back and we would make it work. (A sadistic psychopath I could find out now with Prof Vaknin´s typologies) Mirrored so much my mother, I couldn´t go off contact and he (ab)used this. Extremely schizoid/covert/under the radar type of abusive relationship where in my childhood both mother and brother were abusive.
One time when I wrote him I´m doing some work where I needed my scissors for, this guy (called him my king) actually pretended to be alarmed and asked, what girl you need the scissors for? And I realized he must have dealed with selfharming people before . He hoped I would say that I´m about to harm myself to have sth he could manipulate me with.
Nop, way too neglected and rejected to try any of these things, my heart always knew I would simply die alone and noone would ever find out.
I did too. And for me it's both, too. Needing to control what I can because there's so little I felt I had, but the desire to be controlled is just as strong (in a safe environment.) Probably a former abuse thing. Some people seem to subconsciously lean into it, so to speak, in different ways. Sorry you had the terrible experience with the ex, I can relate. I hope you do find a great person for you 🤍
I always craved to need my man but refuse controlling. So I realized, it’s not healthy.
It's not so much about control for me but about safety. Tell me were you go. Tell me how long. Please tell me who will be there also. Tell me if It's gonna be later than planned. What restaurant?
This might seem controlling but I don't want to change you. All I want to know is everything just because the unknown, the uncertain is ever so scary.
Get used to being single, then. Already had a Mommy.
@@thereisnosanctuary6184 no worries I don't want you - also this is a video on a mental disorder and
I gave an explanation not an attitude
U cant control others .I at one time worked with a women who shot herself ...she's fine today but her need to control me was maddening
Hello Dr. Fox! Could u maybe do a video on how to deal with narcissistic parents as someone who struggles with bpd, please? Your videos are always extremely helpful and i would appreciate if u could take your to share some info and tips on that matter. Thank you!