Being a married woman who lived with her husband prior to marriage, I do actually agree that waiting is important. I feel we are kind of an exception to the statistics & if given the chance to do it over again, there would be things we would have waited on until marriage. 8 years in and we are happy and strong because we work together to make it that way. We value our marriage. If you need to "test" living together to see if it will work, maybe that's a sign of problems. You can't test out a whole life together by living in the same home for a year (more/less). I promise this. Nothing could have prepared us for the many ups and downs with our home, our children, our life. Few things even went according to our plan. Somethings were never in our plans. There is no good "test" to know it will work. What will help decide if the relationship is forever, is being sure you have the same goals in marriage, the same beliefs, the same commitment to each other.
ive watched so many of these videos and they all say the same thing. my boyfriend and i are very serious about saving sex for marriage. we aare also very serious about getting married. weddings are super expensive so its going to be quite some time before we get there. in the meantime we are both living in toxic family environments and in our city will be living paycheck to paycheck if we move out into our own places. i have not come across any video that supply any kind of help for this type of situation. we would prefer to move in together after we are married but are struggling to find a way that doesnt set us up to fail. are you saying there is still hope if we move in together?
@@ccorriniee If you are serious about saving sex for marriage, do NOT live together before you're married. Assuming you and your boyfriend are attracted to one another, the odds that, out of passion, you would not give into temptation sooner or later is slim to none.
Corrine Bennett why do you need an expensive wedding? The integrity of your marriage that should last a lifetime is far more important than a dream wedding that lasts a day. Get married soon after you and your BF get engaged!
I love this! I am 21 and just got married in December. My husband and I were dating for 3 years before we got married and never lived together. It was so hard because at some points he pitched the idea to me, but we decided to wait and it was so worth it! Even though we've only been married a short time, we have grown so much and I'm really thankful that we didn't fall into the "testing the waters first" thing.
Hey Jeff. thank you so much for this video ... I'm engaged currently and really convinced myself that moving in together was the best way... test if we capable of living with each other ... "before its too late" . this gave me new clarity. thank you again
Wow! This comment means so much! When you're engaged, definitely ask the hard questions and do the hard work of working through things and then if all is a go, marriage is that much sweeter especially when done the right way! Blessings to you two!
+Jefferson Bethke Wow ... firstly ... This response just turned my blue, dull Monday completely around ... thank you so much ☺ and yeah ... you have become a huge part in my journey to being a true follower of Christ ... I'm new at this and still learning everything I can... I fear I have obstacles ahead of me that I cannot handle because of it "being too late" ... my fiance is amazing ...I can't picture loving someone else ...but he is an agnostic/atheist :( ... I pray for the necessary wisdom to deal with this delicate partnership that has gone too deep. Happy Monday to you and your lovely family ☺
+Victorian 333 And those feelings are perfectly normal because you are human. At the end of the day you always want to make sure you've done all your research so when it comes down to it, you know that you've dotted your "i" and crossed your "t." It's scary to face our fears because of how big that fear is perceived in our minds. Once you face it, it will be easier to defeat it. With your back turned, it's impossible to defeat. So take it one day at a time until you're able to watch the video and/or do extensive research before hand. You owe this to yourself, you are worth it!. God bless you!😊
Yes, when need it be. Folks want microwaved videos, and hate anything over a short couple minutes when it is related to God, but have no problems watching a long video of their favorite show, movie, or sports, or soaps, or concert, food challenges, etc.....
"Trying it out" before marriage inevitably leads to a marriage that's really nothing more than a really long "try out" and when/if things don't turn out like each partner was hoping then they just leave.
Today's modern society has been trained by tv, movies, media etc that we are to take right away what we want and do what we want no matter the consequence especially on the level of the soul. BE selfish. Waking our sexual urges at a young age and saying that it is healthy and must be acted on because then to be celibate is extremely unhealthy. It appears they are wrong. Sex is the least important thing in a relationship. Getting to know the true character, soul of the person without sex is very important. When you are married they will be moments such as having young children, fatigue, illness can prevent you from having sex and you know your marriage will survive because you know that you really love each other and that it is not just based on physical attraction. It is a much greater chance your marriage will survive. A strong marriage means healthy children and it ultimately means a healthy society. I would say the ultimate key is 'God first, husband/wife second and children third and humility and immediate forgiveness NO grudges and blaming' that way you will survive every crisis. God Bless.:)
Anita Niuta ...Honestly there should be no chronological order except for the fact that God is first. When God is put first then everything will be directed by him on what is needed whether its dealing with wife/husband vs kids and so on. Why? Simply bc he haves the perfect plan.
Maybe the break up rate is so high because you realize, after testing your relationship by living together before marriage, that you could not stand living with that person for the ret of your life. Sometimes break ups are a good thing for a couple. You have to see if you are compatible.
I'm not saying if cohabitation is right or wrong, but I will say better a broken cohabitation than divorce, because unless it is some exception from God, divorced people cannot remarry as long as the ex is alive.
And this is one of the lies Satan loves to spread. When we do things God's way, it's always better. When we do things our way thinking we know better than what he tells us, it just never works out as well.
All I know is that my father would've saved himself 30 years of severe abuse and pain if he had lived with my mom for a MONTH before marrying since he is against divorce. But also I wouldn't be here.
Women and men will always have problems cohabitation before marriage is not a guarantee of a perfect marriage or getting married which is every couple goals
Even though this video doesn't pertain to me as of right now in my life, I'm glad to have heard this message and I know it'll save me a lot of questions in the future (but seriously I haven't even had my first girlfriend yet but I honestly think about these kind of things its kinda weird haha). Thanks Jeff for being so bold and nervy to share about topics like this. Have a great week man. Aloha
This is actually really smart. When your future girlfriend will ask you "wanna live together?" you can just here of what your heart says because you have already an opinion about this. I guess you will thank you later
I can happily say that my wife and I are one of the few couples that successfully cohabitated. marriage was just not affordable while we were both finishing our degrees so we chose to move in together. June will be our 2nd anniversary and our first child will be welcomed into the world in March. We just recently purchased our first home as well. back in November I decided to check out a local church and have been attending regularly for the first time since I was a child. Finding that church and that community combined with God's grace and love will be why these two cohabitators will make it. Thanks for another awesome Monday Message Jeff. God Bless
THANK YOU ! MY FIANCEE AND I ARE BOTH GRADUATE DOCTORS...WE BOTH WANT TO SPECIALIZE....DO YOU REALLY THINK WE CAN BOTH AFFORD A BIG EXPENSIVE WEDDING OR WAIT UNTIL WE HAVE BOTH SPECIALIZED TO THEN GET MARRIED AND START HAVING KIDS ??? Come on....the world isn't a one size fits all.
Virtigo Count why do you have to have a big expense wedding? You can go to the court house and get married! Also, you don’t have to have kids right away when you’re married!
@@s.a.6082 yes! like get married at the court house now and if you really want a big wedding have it a couple years into marriage when you can afford it! i see a ton of couples do this but i think others make excuses
@@veemon9280 lol just say you wanna shack and gtfo! you don’t need a “big wedding” to prove y’all’s love for each other. go to the courthouse and get a certificate!!!
Wow Jeff this really spoke to me. I'm 23 and married. Both me and my husband are Christian. Before we got married we did not live together and I feel like it was because exactly what you said. We didn't live together because people said we should but because we loved each other and when we did get married it was such a good decision. We have grown a lot as a couple especially since we decided to walk with Jesus. This past year has been hard with two miscarriages but we gave all glory to God and how now pregnant with our rainbow baby. Your videos are great and it's nice to watch someone who is from the same area as me. I will show this to couples that are on the edge about moving in together.
Hey Jeff, I was really interested in what you would say in this video, thank you for being sensitive about the subject! I just wanted to share my personal experience with this. My fiancé and I live together, and our wedding is in July. We are 21 years old, full time students, and both work part time. Living together for us has absolutely nothing to do with wanting to test the waters out or anything like that. We got engaged 2 and a half years ago, and are 100% committed to each other, and so excited to share that in front of God, family, and friends in a few months! Living together before marriage is something I never thought I would do and something we both take very seriously. However, since we go to school three hours away from our hometown, living with family/friends is not an option and we simply cannot afford to pay for separate places. It is not a matter of not wanted to pay for separate places, there is no way for us to afford that. We currently have a two bedroom apartment with separate bedrooms that we sleep in each night, as we are both fully committed to staying sexually pure until our wedding night. This is a connotation of living together that we struggle with constantly. People assume that since we live together we are sleeping together and that's simply not the case. Maybe none of this make difference, but we are doing the best we can. Thanks again for all your videos, love them!
one thing I would like to point out is how many of those studies involved people who moved in because they thought marriage was down the road. I just feel that more times these days people who move in together are not thinking of marrying each other. My husband and I are lucky that it worked for us. we moved in together after a couple months and have been together for 7.5 years. I enjoy hearing Jeff's points on this and feel others should pray for guidance and think before you make a decision. I also feel like we are always testing out the other person whether we live together or not. I don't have any issues with someone who wants to wait until marriage. this is just my opinion :)
This video is so helpful! I am engaged and actually feeling really guilty before the Lord and feeling like its so hard because of the fact that we are in a more easier place to fall into sexual sin because we do live together. This video has really been a confirmation for a lot of things I've been praying about. It really has definitely made me want to rethink things and run to God in terms of what to do until the marriage takes place! But thanks for sharing your views and have a blessed day man!
Seems like you are trying to listen to what the Holy Spirit wants to tell you. That is such an important thing and ability to have. And I think that through prayer and reading your bible God will reveal to you and you fiance how you can both protect your future marriage the best way possible. Even if it is a more inconveniant way. I wish you all the best❤️
I'm so glad there is someone else here in my shoes. I too live with my fiancé, we'e been together for over 4 years and during that time I've gotten a lot closer to Jesus. This video is something that I've prayed about and feel guilty myself because we do live together. A couple of months ago I felt the need and desire to refrain from any sexual sin. It's been hard but I do feel and believe that through prayer, HE'll speak to us and guide us through.
There is a big difference between "I want to marry you and live with you for the rest of my life" and "we should live together and try it out". The moment you say "try it out" it shows some level of doubt. You are not 100% sure it's going to work out, which means it probably won't. It's like saying, maybe you'll be good enough for me. Maybe you'll be worth it. Nobody deserves to be treated as a maybe.
I’m stuck! Both my cousins lived with their partners before marriage and are now happily married with children, I do see the benefits of waiting, but also we are not financially ready to afford a wedding yet! But living together would make more sense money wise, and we are committed and have been together 3 years
Divorce stats are so high because people don't truly know God. If the married couple both loved God fully, there would be no divorce to consider. A good marriage is God in the center of it all.
You can have a successful relationship with mutual values and goals, deep conversations, wonderful intimacy, and filled up with laughter and joy. That depends on your compatibility, how you grow together, and being a good partner. Religion is another factor I feel it's good to be compatible on, but compatible doesn't always mean identical- a lot of time it means mutual respect and open mindedness.
I've also seen the studies, but what hasn't been studied is what percentage of people who cohabitate before marriage is due to financial necessity. Additionally, what could prevent couples from getting married but not living together could also be financial aid for schooling, or even health insurance.
Loved this! I always hated when people said "you have to test the car before you drive it" whether they were talking about someone sexually, or even in this type of way. It makes them think that person is an object, and like you said, we aren't. 🙌🏻
I have been with my, now, Fiance for 5.5 years. I have been engaged for about 8 months and our wedding is in June. I finished college back in May and we have been doing long distance for about three of the years we have been together. We are now planning a wedding and my family is in Arizona and he is in Florida. So we moved together so we could plan our marriage and so we could be together for marriage counseling. I have never lived with him until now. I have never question me moving with him to be a bad decision, and I still don't think it is because he is my life partner and I have verbally committed my life to him as his wife, & we absolutely love living together. We just haven't gone through the wedding part yet (5 more months). But I agree with this video, and I never want to go against God's word. I just wonder if we are in the wrong? We as a couple try to do things the best we can to honor God.
I think if you are honoring God by waiting for sex until you're married and you have already made that commitment verbally and in your heart to marry your fiancé you are ok. My husband and I were in the exact same situation.
I do not think that is wrong. Every relationship has different circumstances. I lived with my boyfriend for a few months with his family when I couldn’t afford to live on my own. But we had strict rules and kept God in the center and never went into each other’s bedrooms. I believe that was still a good decision for me at that time in my life
I think this statistic can be skewed a bit, though. This is just saying that people move in together before marriage, not necessarily even on the road to marriage. Meaning that a good portion of those people that are breaking up after living together probably would have broken up whether they lived together or not, living together just accelerated the break-up due to being around each other all of the time and the relationships problems becoming more prominent. I'm planning on moving in with whoever I end up marrying when I'm just engaged. By that point I already have the commitment required in a marriage, the wedding just hasn't happened yet. And I know that I'm in the relationship for the right reasons because I'm not having sex until my wedding night. I'm 18 now and I don't see anything wrong with living together without having sex. It's a much bigger testament to live together without having sex than it is to never even kiss until marriage and still not have had sex.
I feel like this logic is saying that if you don't want to get divorced then just never move in together, as if the reason relationships fail is because people live together
Amen! My husband and I moved in together when we got engaged. We didn't have sex before our wedding night and I think that is so important! We proved to ourselves that if we could resist that temptation, we could get through anything. I agree that we need to look deeper into the statistics to get a full picture. Whether the couples were engaged, practicing Christians, ect all have an impact.
I agree that in most instances, living together before marriage can be a bad idea, but my boyfriend's family took me in why I was homeless and when we got good jobs and he graduated college , we got our first place together and we've been living together for almost three years now. We are a team, building each other up, and working on our relationships with God together. We made a promise to get married and are still very much in love.
Wonderful video! I am currently engaged and getting married in December at 22 years old. We've been together for 4 years and we couldn't be more excited to enjoy the gifts that come along with marriage! It's so refreshing to see a video on this subject, as so many people our age tell us "I'd have to live with the person first". It's so sad how lost the purpose of marriage becomes when you speak with college students.
Great video! I also look at it this way - when you're "testing out" the relationship you're not in any sort of commitment or covenant meaning, you can back out and leave but when you're married you're in a covenant and you grow and learn together so when some challenges rise you work together to resolve them and figure it out together. Therefore, higher rate of the relationship growing and surviving. I got married at 20 and been married for 3 years so I definitely can say I experienced it for myself and am speaking out of my own marriage learning. God bless! P.S. I would love to see a video similar to this with you and Alyssa in the near future, maybe marriage related or any other topics!
I do agree with this. But I also think there are circumstances. When I graduated high school my parents left and moved starts and I chose to stay on my own. I got to a low point where I couldn’t afford to live. My boyfriends family took me in and I lived with them for around 5 months. But I also wasn’t “living” with my boyfriend. I hired with him and his family. I had my own bedroom (not even on the same floor as my boyfriend) we did not go into each other’s rooms alone and his mom treated me as her own. She is very godly and we prayed about this together in advance before we made a decision. When we lived together we had to remember we were still “dating” and not living together. Thats was one of his mother’s big rules. Meaning that during the week we spent time with the family and on weekends he would take me out on dates just as he would when I lived with my parents. I really think that was okay. And it worked for us for that time in our life especially with God in the center of the relationship. I just thought I’d share that
Thank you so much for this video. I have been struggling so much with this. It is so hard in today's time to stand up for what you believe in and not get ridiculed. But I know God is encouraging me on a daily basis to not give in to the ways of this world and this video has really helped. Thank you so much for posting!
I totally get this video... I am married now but before that we spent a year cohabitating with my then fiancé, we restrained from having sex because when we met each other we were a mess and were doing it all the time. During out relationship I became Christian and talked to him about not having sex as we did before. We tried really hard, we failed several times but always got back on our feet, until we were able to respect the covenant to wait until marriage, it was a long road but we were able to make it... it's a matter of will, a matter of defeat your flesh desires!
I used to love Jefferson B. but this is very straightforward: If you're planning on/thinking about getting married to the person- Yes! Do it- it's very good and healthy to work out the kinks and get to know your partner's quirks and habits. I honestly think it gives you a very clear picture of the other person when they aren't dolled up and at their best 24/7. I'm very grateful for my living experience with my fiancé.
Great video! Can you in the future do a video about Christians marrying young? (19/20/21/22...) A lot of people I talk to say you should wait until you have a good career and have dated the person for 5+ years. But is it really worth opening yourself up to temptation with your S.O. just to wait for higher income? I realize marriage is work and that it is maybe even more work when you are younger but is that enough reasoning to wait until you are older? Thanks for considering :)
As a Christian who was married at 18 (now 25) I get asked a lot why we got married so young(and if we're happily married because we are so young). I know our reasoning behind it but I'd love to hear Jeff's thoughts on this topic too.
My husband and I just got married in November and we actually were told by multiple people we shouldn't be getting married at 21. But, when you know that God has brought that man to your life and you are going to do everything in your power to put him before yourself, you know you have found the right man. God speaks to so many, in different ways! It's hard to ignore the "hate" that comes with getting married before you graduate from college.
+April Gallinger I think that when people are younger and they start dating (15-30 years old), everyone is still growing and trying to find themselves. it's very hard when people are younger to continue being together because they might grow in different directions. But when you meet someone as you're progressively reaching a more mature age, you're going to find someone who's capable of growing with you and someone who already knows what they like or dislike, want or don't want. And to be truthful, marriage failures tend to point towards financial issues so yes, having a good career is something to be mindful of.
Well my parents have been together for 35 years and they lived together prior and they have the most loving marriage. I think the key is finding a man who loves God and a man who loves you a whole lot to fight for things when they get rough. It’s about the two people and God! It’s many people who don’t live together before and divorce. So I think it’s all in God’s will not some stats.
Great video Jeff! You put everything I wanted to say into the right words. I know so many people who have this mentality of "I need to test this out/I need see if their really worth it". And it kinda drives me crazy. Lol. I really wish I would have said more to my friends about this. Because it's just as you say, people aren't accommodities. If your only in the relationship to see if they can please YOU, then what's the point at all? Like, would you dump your partner who you love just because the sex isn't good? Would you dump them because they leave food in the sink? Leave the toliet seat up? Because they take up the TV? Gahh... If you love someone with all your heart, then little bothersome quirks they do should not make or break the relationship.
Okay, now this doesn't take into account different life situations. If two people are in love and committed to one another, and have been for a number of years, but are not yet financially stable/finished with their education (as grad school- med school can take many, many years), they may not be able to afford a wedding at this time. So for these two people, who are committed to one another and intend on getting married when finished with school/are financially stable: these people should not live together because they haven't had a ceremony? A ceremony and, yes, a piece of paper lawfully binding you two together does not equate love. I am sorry if this is not a popular opinion, but this is pure fact. Marriage is not what brings two people together, love is. So, if the only thing preventing these two people from living together is financial stability to hold a widely "socially acceptable" event to "prove" their love to each other, doesn't that sound like a silly reason? Listen, I understand the religious point of view. But years and years ago, it didn't take this much time for both people to finish their education, and many people don't have the fortune of their parents paying for their living. If you are in a long term (as in my situation- 6+ years), monogamous relationship: living together will not hinder your future as a couple just because you don't want to go to the court house and cheapen the event so you don't become a "statistic". I don't think individual love is a statistic and shouldn't be compared to one.
Cortney Norwood Are you kidding? Marriage doesn't bring 2 people together? You're literally standing in front of your family and friends and PROMISING your whole entire LIFE to that person and that you'll be with them in the good times and bad times, until (hopefully) death separates you both. If that doesn't sound epic to you, I don't know what does. There's also a huge difference when you're living together before marriage and when you're married. Commitment, obviously! You're not actually committed when you're cohabiting, even though it's very similar to commitment. Also, another reason not to cohabitate is to help with abstinence or chastity (when a man and woman want to save sex for marriage), because that would be a lot harder and challenging if they were sharing the same bed.
Marriage is sacred, it is not only a piece of paper, the wife is bound to her husband spiritually as well. Marriage is not equal to wedding, that is why there are different types of marriage, like in many African countries, marriage is when your parent gives you away and is called traditional marriage and there is no signed paper involved but the groom pays the asked dowry to the wife's family. then again, you can not argue with God's commands.
My ex-husband and I were both virgins when we got married. We did not live together and were very excited to start our married life together. 20 years of sadness and things not working out because we thought we knew each other. We followed what the Bible said to do and it still ended in divorce. Every body has a different story....I see my daughter and her boyfriend stronger together in 4 months than my marriage was in 20 years. Satistics speak, but I still ended up with a broken home AND we followed God's word.
As someone that lived with her spouse before marriage, I can attest to the damage it does to a relationship. Thankfully my husband and I have worked hard at fixing things. But we've paid the price. Something changes when you say the vows for marriage and are married. It is the deepest kind of commitment. And if the foundation is wrong, then it will damage the relationship. Save yourself the pain and just don't do it.
Wow thank you for this. I'm graduating high school this June, and my boyfriend had already mentioned living together during college. This really got me back on track
Love the video! My boyfriend and I are Christians and we been living together for five years, we are not married yet not even engaged but when we decided to move in with eachother we made sure that we were gonna stick by eachother nomatter what not just as a couple but two best friends. With God its been possible. We been through so much and over came it all and I have a rule never to threaten to leave when things get tough. But I pray that we can become one through marriage because at the same time I feel ashamed, especially sex before marriage. Its not that we don't want to but rather financially its hard. He always treats me with respect, he's made so many sacrifices for me, we communicate amazing and through misunderstandings we especially look to God. A situation like this confuses me cause of course we don't wanna disappoint God...we are extremely happy together and we have unfailing love for eachother but does this disappoint God?
For my first date with my wife to our wedding date was only 9 months. But our FIRST kiss was on our wedding day. Date with a purpose. we'd go out to resturants and just discuss our finances or how we wanted to raise kids ect. we've been happily married over 2 years and Im glad and have NO REGRETS OF WAITING!!! its worth it!!
Referring to the comment made around 1:25-1:40. I would rather know the probability of "divorce only" after living together before marriage. You specifically said the probability of "breaking up" is higher, which could include breaking up before marriage. And that's the point of living together first: so that you can test it out and feel okay with leaving if you don't like living with that person. Or perhaps you did mean divorce and just misspoke?
your statistics scare me. I am a cohabitater we are getting married this summer. and the reason I moved in is because I got kicked out of my parents house.
If the chances of you breaking up with cohabitation is 46% in the divorce rate is higher than 50% what’s the difference? Life is going to hit you no matter what, with your living together or married
Recently started listening to your and Alyssa's podcast, love it! I appreciate the honesty, transparency and openness to tackle questions of any sort head on. Big fan, love how God is utilizing you two in BIG ways! Looking forward to listening to your book on Audible soon :)
Beautifully explained and addressed! I made many mistakes and cohabitation was one of them. I was that 50% chance that failed, and I remember telling my partner at the time, that I felt like I was a car, that was being test driven, but he convinced me that I was exaggerating. In fact, we had arguments about me not wanting to move in (we were in a long distance relationship) and he said I was being dramatic. There was red flags all over, but I chose to ignore them despite my convictions. I am living proof, that cohabitation hurts a relationship. Cohabitation, made me feel like I wasn't marriage material, it made me feel like an object rather than a human being with emotions. I wish I knew, what I know now. But I have faith God will redeem, all my mess and turn it into a message!
sometimes if we aren't careful, we get pressured by culture(everyone is doing it) but Christ said "you are not of this world" and I start praying to the Lord asking him to strengthen me and lead me to the cross. So now I concluded, even if I'm following God alone, him I will follow alone, it's better to be hated by many for following Christ than to be hated by Christ for following many.. grace and peace.
First fiance, Lived with one year "alone with him" , found out he was abusive. Even tho, he never had shown sign's prior before we moved in together.------------ Second finance I moved in with one year again" alone just him and I. We have been now Married for 28 year's been together over 31. ..raised 4 beautiful children together all being "our biological children" .------------ Sincerely : I didn't count my chicken's before they hatched.
I have been blessed with common sense and a really great husband whom has never abused me. You never truly know some one unless you live "alone" with that person. That is a not a statistic, it's a fact.
Well done. That's a difficult topic. Early Christians struggled with similar questions and Paul addressed it in his first letter to the Corinthians (1 Corinthians 10:23) - "Everything is permissible, but not everything is helpful. Everything is permissible, but not everything builds up." It is not a decision that determines your salvation but it is also not what God intended for us.
Thank you for the video! This topic isn't something I've specifically struggled with, as I've shared your view point all along, but something else you said really struck a chord with me. You said that while you're living your own life (not engaged, not married) you are still learning to build self control and work through things you need to deal with along with saying no while your body and mind are saying yes. That's where I am, everything in me wants to be engaged and ultimately married to my current boyfriend, but that's just not where it is right now. While it would be easy to give in to temptation and live together, that's not what will bring the most joy. I'm learning patience, waiting on the Lord, self control and working on things in my life that need worked on. Thanks for your reminders and pointing us toward the truth. I appreciate you and Alyssa's ministry!
I am part of that small percentage of people that lived together before we were married and I will tell you, it made things so hard. We struggled. We got married about 8 months later but it really added stress where it didn't need to be. He is my best friend now, but it was hard and we nearly gave up! Why add that to your relationship when you can wait and learn more about each other before you move in together?
My brother's been a relationship for over 10 years. Since been with the girl since the end of high school, dated through college, dated during those post college years, moved in together during their mid 20s. About two years after that have a child that is now 2. Clearly he's not going anywhere, and if they break up tomorrow that's a relationship that lasted longer then most marriages these days. Don't see why they need some "covenant" Regardless I get what your saying in your opinion and I respect how you never come off as condescending or speaking down to people.
+fizman22 Because they can break up now and neither one owes the other anything. Law will say the man/woman has to support the child, but that is owed the child, not the partner.
+fizman22 Thus the point. Still don't see it or consider it unimportant? K. Not understanding? She can go bang and tang with any number of dudes without telling him. Walk away from the situation, and take the child with her, never for the father to see him again (until after he's 18). And many other number of situations. He gets no lawful and little social consideration. She can do this, and the law will protect her. You and your family may say "what a tramp/whore/liar/worthless person", but without a covenant of legal nature (and moral nature if you are the religious type) it is a very mentally, financially, and emotionally dangerous place to be.
Yeah but since they are not married God's glory and blessings cannot be fully bestowed in that relationship. That is why marriage is so important and it's so important to God because he created it for two human beings to join in full intimacy and obedience to the Lord
great stuff Jeff!! My husband and I waited to move in together until we got married (among other things we waited for). Best decision ever, left no regrets, no guilt, and it's an adventure! I'd def encourage anyone struggling or feeling pressured to move in to just wait it out.
Hi Jeff! I just bought your book and I love the way you break down the bible. Your breakdowns of what the bible is saying makes sense to me and helps me to bring more of those values in my everyday life. Making the bible current is so important so I love how your videos do that and I feel like it helps me to become closer to God because I understand how to apply verses to my life. Your advice is much appreciated and so helpful. Thank you for all you do!
I really enjoyed listening to you....your heart and soul are in the right place...and for someone so young, I hope the other young folks will open their ears and hearts to hear you too.
I believe those statistics are highly misleading. There are too many variables, one being that most couples who choose not to live together before marriage make that choice based on religious beliefs. Those couples are also more likely to stay in unhappy/unhealthy marriages out of guilt, feelings of obligation, or fear of being judged by their religious community. I don't think the divorce rate is higher because of cohabitation, there are other factors to consider.
this was a great video! I love that you are discussing topics like this and see before marriage, and just the types of the things that are going on in relationships now a days. I'm currently single, but I genuinely want to have a God honoring relationship and marriage one day in God's timing. And sometimes it's so easy to want to settle and give in to how the world handles relationships and not wait on God. I regularly pray over myself, my future husband, and our marriage that we will not compromise. praying over this and trusting God helps me to gladly remain single until God brings a godly man into my life who will respect our relationship and my body enough to WAIT for sex, living together, spending the night, sharing bank accounts etc until we are married. The young adult service at my church recently began a new series called Marriage Goals and I invited my friend, who lives with her bf, to come. she is very willing and excited to attend church, so I pray it will help her think about her decisions within her relationship. She is an awesome girl, and I just want her to have the best relationship God will give her. Thanks for these videos!
My husband (fiancé at the time) moved into my apartment 3 months before our wedding because his lease was up. Being 30 and having been down that road before of living together outside of the covenant in previous relationships, we discussed how we both wanted to approach things differently. We decided that we would remain celibate until our wedding night and it was the best decision for us. Was it easy? No. But our faith in Christ is what brought us together and we wanted to honor Him. Thank you for this video!
wow this is very true. even though was so young and not a believer i got married at 18 years old mostly cause we had a 6month old baby "trying to do the right thing" and at 23 years old a few months ago i got a divorce. I didnt grow up going to church at all but i look back and see God was trying to get my attention. God saved my life and my kids life. I want to have a real marriage someday soon. i struggle at times so thank you for this video. Gods plans are better than my plans
I feel like these statistics are based on the idea that two people live together and keep separate finances and such. My fiance and I can't get married until I graduate or it will lower my financial aid. We moved in together before marriage but have completely moved into marriage without a certificate. We dropped all of our personal accounts and merged EVERYTHING. We also started fresh together and had to buy everything for our home from our joint bank account rather than playing the "I'll pay the couch, you pay for the bedframe" game. Seeing as we are living out as if we were fully 100% married, I don't see how living together will harm our marriage.
My wife and I lived together for 6 months before getting married. On Feb. 7th we will have been married for 35 years. I married at 18 without living with her first. Within 9 months we were separated then divorced. I would never live with a women without living with her first. I am a Christian, but I decide what is right for me.
This is the best response I have ever heard to this question. I'll definitely be recommending this to others in the future. Thank you, Jeff, for your hard work to put this together!!
A very big downside to cohabiting is that after you get married, you just go back to the same house or apartment, the same life, the same stuff, and it's not really new anymore
My husband and I lived together before we were married. However, we were engaged. We also didn't have sex before we were married. I think in our hearts we felt married when we were engaged, we just had to wait for all the planning stuff to be finished before we could actually get married. When looking at stats I think we have to look deeper. Are those co-habitating Christians? Do they have sex before marriage? Are they engaged? When we look deeper I think we find more meaning behind the stats.
I know this is a sensitive subject in today's society but I want to thank you for looking into this statistically and making an honest video of how you feel about the subject in a loving manner. Love your videos and I hope you keep them coming. It is a beautiful testimony and ministry. Blessings.
Bro, this was excellently articulated. Couldn't agree with you more. Divorce rates are much higher in my generation than in the past and I believe all the 'new' relationship/sex beliefs are to blame.
Wise words, Jeff Bethke -- Wise words. There is some great advice in this video. Thanks for sharing it, and for being willing to put yourself out there with a view that might not be anywhere near as popular as it should be.
My friends and I have had this discussion before, and the main reason we decided to not live with a guy before we get married is because we want to get married. We know so many girls who want to get married to their boyfriend, but he always says, "why should I marry you if we already live together?" And there are many couples who did live together before being married, and they have been together for 30 years or more, and there are couples who decided not to live together and divorced in 5 years. When it comes down to it, I think it all comes down to who is more willing to save their marriage.
My fiance & I currently live together. We moved in together a year ago after we got engaged because we did not want to be separated because of college. We are getting married in three weeks and since we have gotten engaged we have done christian premarital counseling and helped each other grow closer to God. We are waiting until we are married to be intimate, which i the hardest part of living together. We know that we could have waited to move in together but we both feel that God has put us together for a reason. & from the beginning we have not looked at our relationship as if someone would walk out any minute. We realize that it is a commitment and that their are going to be hard times that we have to stick it out through no matter what. The statistics must apply to people that view marriage from a fickle standpoint.
I admire the ministry that God had entrusted you as a youtuber, that's why I subscribed right away. You're life is both a blessing and an inspiration. I want to see more of your videos.
Absolutely all true and so many are stubborn and want to argue with me about disobedience bringing curses and about the whole needing to live together before to see if compatible, all of the lies the devil loves to put into our minds. The STATISTICS are SOOO helpful for those who just don't care to hear about what God says. Thanks soooooo very much for this video. Love you guys! God bless you
I see your point here Jeff. I don't think it inherently bad bad to cohabit (it depends more on the way it is done and motive behind it), but I never considered the point you brought up that it can be like "testing a person or relationship." I was hoping that you would bring up more than just statistics but also passages in Scripture speak of this topic and also how they can apply to our context. There are situations when couples cohabit because abuse can be happening in their home and even ones when they live in with a few family members. In these kind of situations they can still learn to mature independently while seeking accountability. Just some of my thoughts.
This has been really true for us. We were intimate before marriage and it was completely different from after we were married. Sex outside of marriage is totally different.
There are situations that prohibit marriage. In our case, I am on Disability (100%) if we were to get Married I loose my entire income. I worked from the time I was 16 until going on disability at 46, I feel that me having my own income is a Plus! We are more than 100% committed to one another and have declared that we are in this until the Lord takes us home. It is what works for us and we know that we are doing the right thing.
Thank you, Jeff! I've been listening to your videos and at first, they were quite insightful. This time, it's become more personal. I recently became a Christian and I've been debating about moving out from a cohabitation situation. I don't have the parents to ask advice from. Thank you for sharing and living the truth: even if it's hard to hear. Though few may want to hear, their are those who do want to hear the truth. Please continue to speak and live the truth by the Word of God.
I agree 100%. The statistics are insane! I didn't live with my ex-husband before we were married, but almost everything else was as if we were already married.
Hey Jeff, so this has nothing to do with this specific video ( especially because I'm a teenager who is no where close to living on her own let alone with another person) but I went through ALOT of your videos tonight and I don't think I have ever cried and learned that much about Jesus in one night. I thank you for everything you are doing, you are truly making disciples of Jesus and I just wanted to thank you on behalf of all your viewers. :)
I believe people that live together have a tendency to want to take from each other instead of having a responsibility to grow together in order to prepare for marriage better yet, get to know each and the mindset can change at any time so one person leave at any moment without any discussion or have any closure on the matter that the scary part of all this this is where the trust issues begins
I moved in with my now husband before we got married. Bc I was in a bad situation and had to get out I was also living with his parents and me and him had separate rooms. We have been married for almost four years and we have a great marriage! I think if it's something like that (you're not living just you and him by yourself) and you set up boundaries it works out better.
I love this and I know the debate will go back and forth. I can say that I have lived with someone in a past relationship and things went to fast it was the hormone high and I was scared that he could leave anytime he wanted because we were not married. To make a long story short I am married now which means I made the choice that I am going to love this man and do whatever it takes he isn't going anywhere and neither am I we work hard together to take care of us. I am home now and I sleep a lot more peacefully.
Hi Jeff awsem vid and yes couples mustn't live together before marriage. My wife and I are married 6 years and we did live together before hand and surprisingly made us stronger together. We survived things that where supposed to rip us apart. People must thing clearly before making such a big decision we did get told more then once by multiple people the relationship is God given and wasn't by chance that we met. Hope daddy God blessed you epicly!!!
Humans are not cars. You may take a car back or sell it if it breaks down. People need to take marriage seriously. There is no comparison to dating and marriage. Marriage is a covenant and vulnerability. Dating can be a commitment, but there is still a sense of "single freedom". Each individual learns more about one another internally and can get a stronger relationship with God during the dating stages. 😇
The stat that you're speaking of is true but I learned no so long ago in my Sociology class that the reason for breakups for people who live together. My professor told us that couples who tend to live together also tend to come from families of divorce and those who come from families of divorce tend to get divorced. So in short, the moving in together is not necessarily the cause for the split. The cause comes from couples who come from divorced families.
I checked every single one of those sources and they are all from the 80s or 90s.... curious what current statistics say. There are a lot more factors that go into divorce than living together. And honestly if you live together and find out it doesn't work it is better than going through a messy divorce! I think it is ultimately up to the couple. There are a lot of things in the Bible we no longer use as a guide.
2 problems of this argumentation: 1.the statistics seem self-evident: of course break-ups are more probable, because there are other intentions (e.g. "testing") - and btw: perhaps some things are indeed crucial to find out before marriage (which may give additional reasons for breaking up) 2.if you are in your very first phase you want to share EVERYTHING - and if cohibitation is no valid option, it may lead to the fact that young couples marry too early and may end up in a divorce I would like to read any counter-arguments to this post
and yes relationships prior to the one could help you figure out who and what you like, what are you looking for. i am going to live with my girlfriend because i love her and im sure its gonna work out since we are together pretty much everyday anyways. its not bout marriage its about true love.
Hey man I love very special channel, I love that your information is scriptural but also factual. Keep up the good work man I’m praying for your channel and your family
Hello Jeffrey ! I love all your videos, they are so honest and directed to God's word, they are the best ! There is one thing really important for me that would be awesome to talk about ... Homosexuality I know this is THE subject that everyone is afraid of, but I haven't found a video really "God's word" based, just like your "tattoo" video, really searching the context and if it's a sin or not ... everyone talks about this verses in Leviticus 20:13, and Leviticus 18:22, where if we take them out of context, it's clear, but if we search about the context, it's totally different! Hope you'll see this message and maybe talk about it :)
I can't say how much this video resonated with me. My husband and I I don't me know when each other a short time before we moved in together. Which in and of itself was crazy. We had such a hard time living together it was difficulties that we never thought of before. Things that we didn't think would bother each other things we didn't even know that we didn't like. There were times when we just wanted to give up and run and just from the sexy side of things you are so emotionally vulnerable because you truly can't be your self you truly can't give everything you have because you risk losing it it wasn't until we been married for several years that I realized this. See I had been raped when I was a teenage girl and so I felt like my gifted already been taken so what was the big deal I was broken already. Emotionally scarred right didn't have the right figures in my life to guide me in the right way. So I took to my own thoughts and seeing that I felt broken and like my gift was already gone I figured well might as well try before you buy right? Later on in my marriage I found myself feeling ashamed and I don't never been with maybe four guys total which is way less then the norm today but it still made me feel dark inside. It made me feel something that is hard to put into words. But also help me to realize how much that I had lost in being with other men before I was married and how much I couldn't get those pieces of myself back. Things that I had given little bits of myself if you will, because that's what society told me to do, because that was the norm, because I was young and stupid and naïve. It wasn't until later in my marriage and once I had fully matured that I realized that I had given up pieces of myself that I didn't even know I had given up. That in those moments I thought I was experiencing intimacy by getting those pieces of myself to those men but truly I didn't know the meaning of intimacy . I found such a love such a profound wholeness in sex with my husband because there were no boundaries there were no insecurities I could just be me and he excepted me for me. He sees my flaws and still thinks I'm attractive awkward things can happen during sex and he doesn't put me down make me feel poorly about myself and vice versa. Whereas before marriage when you're with someone that you can't fully trust because they have other motives and maybe soda you you're always holding back you're always try not to embarrass yourself you're always keeping a little bit of yourself talk to way. Kind of how most women won't pass gas in front of a new boyfriend or how a boyfriend tries to make sure that everything is tidied up before his girlfriend comes over because he doesn't want her to see his true self but the self that he's allowing her to see. There's a lot that you learn once you get married and it's so much easier to learn it with the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with them to try it out on other people get hurt and up emotionally damaged have the mix tape in your head changed for what could be years to come . When you look at all that really doesn't seem worth it. And yes at least two out of four men were men that I thought I would spend the rest my life with and we just found that overtime we were incompatible. I never lived with any of those men but I did have sex with them. People tell me that you needed to try out your man before you married him to make sure you were sexually compatible and they couldn't of been more wrong. Because as much as I felt I was sexually compatible I wasn't really able to let myself go if you want to put it that way. Within the confines of marriage I have found freedom I don't have to be anyone but myself I don't have to act like the girl in the movie I don't have to wonder if I'm better then the last girl he was with because I'm the only woman he's with so there is no comparison there is no wondering if I'm enough for him because I'm all there is. Yes as far as divorce is concerned he could still walk. Yes whether you live together or are married the other can still walk but it's a lot harder to walk out of a situation where you have stood before God before your friends before your family and pledge to put someone else's life someone else's heart before your own. Living together was always like having 1 foot out the door. Like knowing that you always knew where the emergency exits were. Now having been married for 10 years this year and being one of the one in 10 ratio I see, just how important marriage is. I saw it along time ago but I find as I mature in my marriage you realize just how much it means to you and just how much you're not willing to give that up. Because after we got married instead of knowing where the exits were we knew that if we banded together we could survive anything. That we didn't need to find the exits because with each other we could climb the stairs we could survive the earthquake, we could survive the flood, we could survive anything because were one wasn't strong enough twoalways were. And where I couldn't walk he would carry me and where he couldn't walk I would carry him and when we couldn't carry each other God carried us all. To all of you living together before marriage you have two choices give it up or get married. I call you to stick your faith , I call you to figure out what you want in your life, I call you to dare to be different than the norm in society today. I call you to ask yourself if this is the life you want if this is the example you want to set for others and if this is the legacy you want to leave behind. I pray for each and everyone of you that you would know God and know his plan for your life and even if all you have is the statistics alone who would want to be against those odds. Take it from someone who has had an uphill climb that if you can go and easier way why wouldn't you
Sex is supposed to be mark of the covenant. Sex is what actually makes one married. Sex is a marriage union with another unto God, a wedding is a legal recognition unto the government. One must ask themself, what really makes them married, a sex/union covenant or a marriage license. In Isreal, at the time of Jesus, weddings could not continue, if the couple did not have sex. A marriage covenatnt is unification by becoming one flesh. Sad that many leave after they had sex. The sex before marriage is not the sin, the leaving the covenant is.
I know this is crazy, but what about living together and not having sex? I know most people couldn't do that, but I (somehow) could. My girl and I are God fearing virgins and don't watch porn. Since we have strong boundaries (no kissing allowed), it would be pretty easy to avoid the key going into the key hole. I think the living together stat involves sex %100 of the time, which is why I ask. Thanks. P.S. videos that are 3 years old don't really get any views anymore for the most part, so don't be afraid to respond to me, as no one will probably ever read us
I wish my husband would understand this. We cohabitated for many years and then finally got Married. I insisted on getting married. He didnt care for it. Until this day I see the damage that was made through our cohabitation. Now I want to urge my little sister not to o the same mistake but I have no clue how.
Very well said. Absolutely great insight. I can agree with all of your points; moving in together is appealing for reason you listed, but I never thought of it as a "test drive" until now, and that is totally what it is! Wow. Thank you for sharing your thoughts :)
You also have to look at the types of people associated with these stats. Ppl that don’t live together first are probably also more religious or have strict beliefs (their own or their family’s) and so I feel like that group may “stick it out” in a marriage vs. People that live together first who are probably those less likely to stay in a marriage because ‘god and the family’ wouldn’t approve. No wrong or right, just question stats and causation
Being a married woman who lived with her husband prior to marriage, I do actually agree that waiting is important. I feel we are kind of an exception to the statistics & if given the chance to do it over again, there would be things we would have waited on until marriage. 8 years in and we are happy and strong because we work together to make it that way. We value our marriage.
If you need to "test" living together to see if it will work, maybe that's a sign of problems. You can't test out a whole life together by living in the same home for a year (more/less). I promise this. Nothing could have prepared us for the many ups and downs with our home, our children, our life. Few things even went according to our plan. Somethings were never in our plans. There is no good "test" to know it will work.
What will help decide if the relationship is forever, is being sure you have the same goals in marriage, the same beliefs, the same commitment to each other.
Sarah A thanks so much for this comment it really helped me because I’m in a similar situation to that. Thanks again
ive watched so many of these videos and they all say the same thing. my boyfriend and i are very serious about saving sex for marriage. we aare also very serious about getting married. weddings are super expensive so its going to be quite some time before we get there. in the meantime we are both living in toxic family environments and in our city will be living paycheck to paycheck if we move out into our own places. i have not come across any video that supply any kind of help for this type of situation. we would prefer to move in together after we are married but are struggling to find a way that doesnt set us up to fail. are you saying there is still hope if we move in together?
@@ccorriniee If you are serious about saving sex for marriage, do NOT live together before you're married. Assuming you and your boyfriend are attracted to one another, the odds that, out of passion, you would not give into temptation sooner or later is slim to none.
Corrine Bennett why do you need an expensive wedding? The integrity of your marriage that should last a lifetime is far more important than a dream wedding that lasts a day. Get married soon after you and your BF get engaged!
I love this! I am 21 and just got married in December. My husband and I were dating for 3 years before we got married and never lived together. It was so hard because at some points he pitched the idea to me, but we decided to wait and it was so worth it! Even though we've only been married a short time, we have grown so much and I'm really thankful that we didn't fall into the "testing the waters first" thing.
Hey Jeff. thank you so much for this video ... I'm engaged currently and really convinced myself that moving in together was the best way... test if we capable of living with each other ... "before its too late" . this gave me new clarity. thank you again
Wow! This comment means so much! When you're engaged, definitely ask the hard questions and do the hard work of working through things and then if all is a go, marriage is that much sweeter especially when done the right way! Blessings to you two!
+Jefferson Bethke Wow ... firstly ... This response just turned my blue, dull Monday completely around ... thank you so much ☺ and yeah ... you have become a huge part in my journey to being a true follower of Christ ... I'm new at this and still learning everything I can... I fear I have obstacles ahead of me that I cannot handle because of it "being too late" ... my fiance is amazing ...I can't picture loving someone else ...but he is an agnostic/atheist :( ... I pray for the necessary wisdom to deal with this delicate partnership that has gone too deep. Happy Monday to you and your lovely family ☺
+Victorian 333 You should watch his video on dating a non-Christian.
+TheBeaconofHope I always get chocked up when the topic comes up because I know I should be letting go ...
+Victorian 333 And those feelings are perfectly normal because you are human. At the end of the day you always want to make sure you've done all your research so when it comes down to it, you know that you've dotted your "i" and crossed your "t." It's scary to face our fears because of how big that fear is perceived in our minds. Once you face it, it will be easier to defeat it. With your back turned, it's impossible to defeat. So take it one day at a time until you're able to watch the video and/or do extensive research before hand. You owe this to yourself, you are worth it!. God bless you!😊
Please don't be scared to be longer videos. Truth nuggets are good, but truth entrees are even better. Please forgive the corniness.
That's perfect I love that!
Yes, when need it be. Folks want microwaved videos, and hate anything over a short couple minutes when it is related to God, but have no problems watching a long video of their favorite show, movie, or sports, or soaps, or concert, food challenges, etc.....
"Trying it out" before marriage inevitably leads to a marriage that's really nothing more than a really long "try out" and when/if things don't turn out like each partner was hoping then they just leave.
Today's modern society has been trained by tv, movies, media etc that we are to take right away what we want and do what we want no matter the consequence especially on the level of the soul. BE selfish. Waking our sexual urges at a young age and saying that it is healthy and must be acted on because then to be celibate is extremely unhealthy. It appears they are wrong. Sex is the least important thing in a relationship. Getting to know the true character, soul of the person without sex is very important. When you are married they will be moments such as having young children, fatigue, illness can prevent you from having sex and you know your marriage will survive because you know that you really love each other and that it is not just based on physical attraction. It is a much greater chance your marriage will survive. A strong marriage means healthy children and it ultimately means a healthy society. I would say the ultimate key is 'God first, husband/wife second and children third and humility and immediate forgiveness NO grudges and blaming' that way you will survive every crisis. God Bless.:)
Wow you should become a public speaker. Such wisdom! :)
Anita Niuta ...Honestly there should be no chronological order except for the fact that God is first. When God is put first then everything will be directed by him on what is needed whether its dealing with wife/husband vs kids and so on. Why? Simply bc he haves the perfect plan.
Yes!!!
Beautifull eye opening!
Maybe the break up rate is so high because you realize, after testing your relationship by living together before marriage, that you could not stand living with that person for the ret of your life. Sometimes break ups are a good thing for a couple. You have to see if you are compatible.
I'm not saying if cohabitation is right or wrong, but I will say better a broken cohabitation than divorce, because unless it is some exception from God, divorced people cannot remarry as long as the ex is alive.
And this is one of the lies Satan loves to spread. When we do things God's way, it's always better. When we do things our way thinking we know better than what he tells us, it just never works out as well.
All I know is that my father would've saved himself 30 years of severe abuse and pain if he had lived with my mom for a MONTH before marrying since he is against divorce. But also I wouldn't be here.
Cross Traffic2020 it’s wrong. Regardless of you trying to be PC about it. God has spoken
Women and men will always have problems cohabitation before marriage is not a guarantee of a perfect marriage or getting married which is every couple goals
Even though this video doesn't pertain to me as of right now in my life, I'm glad to have heard this message and I know it'll save me a lot of questions in the future (but seriously I haven't even had my first girlfriend yet but I honestly think about these kind of things its kinda weird haha). Thanks Jeff for being so bold and nervy to share about topics like this. Have a great week man. Aloha
It's not weird. It's actually very smart of you. Your future wife will thank you!
You seem like a clever young man to investigate on this before the issue even occurs! Not only you future wife, but your future self will thank you
Don't worry, I'm right here with ya hahaha!
This is actually really smart. When your future girlfriend will ask you "wanna live together?" you can just here of what your heart says because you have already an opinion about this. I guess you will thank you later
I'm on the same page with you, no worries :)
I can happily say that my wife and I are one of the few couples that successfully cohabitated. marriage was just not affordable while we were both finishing our degrees so we chose to move in together. June will be our 2nd anniversary and our first child will be welcomed into the world in March. We just recently purchased our first home as well. back in November I decided to check out a local church and have been attending regularly for the first time since I was a child. Finding that church and that community combined with God's grace and love will be why these two cohabitators will make it. Thanks for another awesome Monday Message Jeff. God Bless
THANK YOU ! MY FIANCEE AND I ARE BOTH GRADUATE DOCTORS...WE BOTH WANT TO SPECIALIZE....DO YOU REALLY THINK WE CAN BOTH AFFORD A BIG EXPENSIVE WEDDING OR WAIT UNTIL WE HAVE BOTH SPECIALIZED TO THEN GET MARRIED AND START HAVING KIDS ???
Come on....the world isn't a one size fits all.
Virtigo Count why do you have to have a big expense wedding? You can go to the court house and get married! Also, you don’t have to have kids right away when you’re married!
It's really not that rare for cohabitating couples to have successful marriages.
@@s.a.6082 yes! like get married at the court house now and if you really want a big wedding have it a couple years into marriage when you can afford it! i see a ton of couples do this but i think others make excuses
@@veemon9280 lol just say you wanna shack and gtfo! you don’t need a “big wedding” to prove y’all’s love for each other. go to the courthouse and get a certificate!!!
Wow Jeff this really spoke to me. I'm 23 and married. Both me and my husband are Christian. Before we got married we did not live together and I feel like it was because exactly what you said. We didn't live together because people said we should but because we loved each other and when we did get married it was such a good decision. We have grown a lot as a couple especially since we decided to walk with Jesus. This past year has been hard with two miscarriages but we gave all glory to God and how now pregnant with our rainbow baby. Your videos are great and it's nice to watch someone who is from the same area as me. I will show this to couples that are on the edge about moving in together.
Hey Jeff, I was really interested in what you would say in this video, thank you for being sensitive about the subject! I just wanted to share my personal experience with this. My fiancé and I live together, and our wedding is in July. We are 21 years old, full time students, and both work part time. Living together for us has absolutely nothing to do with wanting to test the waters out or anything like that. We got engaged 2 and a half years ago, and are 100% committed to each other, and so excited to share that in front of God, family, and friends in a few months! Living together before marriage is something I never thought I would do and something we both take very seriously. However, since we go to school three hours away from our hometown, living with family/friends is not an option and we simply cannot afford to pay for separate places. It is not a matter of not wanted to pay for separate places, there is no way for us to afford that. We currently have a two bedroom apartment with separate bedrooms that we sleep in each night, as we are both fully committed to staying sexually pure until our wedding night. This is a connotation of living together that we struggle with constantly. People assume that since we live together we are sleeping together and that's simply not the case. Maybe none of this make difference, but we are doing the best we can. Thanks again for all your videos, love them!
one thing I would like to point out is how many of those studies involved people who moved in because they thought marriage was down the road. I just feel that more times these days people who move in together are not thinking of marrying each other. My husband and I are lucky that it worked for us. we moved in together after a couple months and have been together for 7.5 years. I enjoy hearing Jeff's points on this and feel others should pray for guidance and think before you make a decision. I also feel like we are always testing out the other person whether we live together or not. I don't have any issues with someone who wants to wait until marriage. this is just my opinion :)
This video is so helpful! I am engaged and actually feeling really guilty before the Lord and feeling like its so hard because of the fact that we are in a more easier place to fall into sexual sin because we do live together. This video has really been a confirmation for a lot of things I've been praying about. It really has definitely made me want to rethink things and run to God in terms of what to do until the marriage takes place! But thanks for sharing your views and have a blessed day man!
Seems like you are trying to listen to what the Holy Spirit wants to tell you. That is such an important thing and ability to have. And I think that through prayer and reading your bible God will reveal to you and you fiance how you can both protect your future marriage the best way possible. Even if it is a more inconveniant way. I wish you all the best❤️
thank you so much girly :) God Bless!! :)
I'm so glad there is someone else here in my shoes. I too live with my fiancé, we'e been together for over 4 years and during that time I've gotten a lot closer to Jesus. This video is something that I've prayed about and feel guilty myself because we do live together. A couple of months ago I felt the need and desire to refrain from any sexual sin. It's been hard but I do feel and believe that through prayer, HE'll speak to us and guide us through.
yes girl!!! :) God bless! i totally feel you 100 percent! Best wishes for you girl and your fiance!!
There is a big difference between "I want to marry you and live with you for the rest of my life" and "we should live together and try it out". The moment you say "try it out" it shows some level of doubt. You are not 100% sure it's going to work out, which means it probably won't. It's like saying, maybe you'll be good enough for me. Maybe you'll be worth it. Nobody deserves to be treated as a maybe.
I’m stuck! Both my cousins lived with their partners before marriage and are now happily married with children, I do see the benefits of waiting, but also we are not financially ready to afford a wedding yet! But living together would make more sense money wise, and we are committed and have been together 3 years
the wedding doesn't have to be big
Divorce stats are so high because people don't truly know God. If the married couple both loved God fully, there would be no divorce to consider. A good marriage is God in the center of it all.
+Nicole Myers I think that Adam loved God fully, yet sinned.
+Nicole Myers Amen
fuck your god bullshit
You can have a successful relationship with mutual values and goals, deep conversations, wonderful intimacy, and filled up with laughter and joy. That depends on your compatibility, how you grow together, and being a good partner. Religion is another factor I feel it's good to be compatible on, but compatible doesn't always mean identical- a lot of time it means mutual respect and open mindedness.
Nicole Hales Amen
I've also seen the studies, but what hasn't been studied is what percentage of people who cohabitate before marriage is due to financial necessity. Additionally, what could prevent couples from getting married but not living together could also be financial aid for schooling, or even health insurance.
Loved this! I always hated when people said "you have to test the car before you drive it" whether they were talking about someone sexually, or even in this type of way. It makes them think that person is an object, and like you said, we aren't. 🙌🏻
I have been with my, now, Fiance for 5.5 years. I have been engaged for about 8 months and our wedding is in June. I finished college back in May and we have been doing long distance for about three of the years we have been together. We are now planning a wedding and my family is in Arizona and he is in Florida. So we moved together so we could plan our marriage and so we could be together for marriage counseling. I have never lived with him until now. I have never question me moving with him to be a bad decision, and I still don't think it is because he is my life partner and I have verbally committed my life to him as his wife, & we absolutely love living together. We just haven't gone through the wedding part yet (5 more months). But I agree with this video, and I never want to go against God's word. I just wonder if we are in the wrong? We as a couple try to do things the best we can to honor God.
I think if you are honoring God by waiting for sex until you're married and you have already made that commitment verbally and in your heart to marry your fiancé you are ok. My husband and I were in the exact same situation.
I do not think that is wrong. Every relationship has different circumstances. I lived with my boyfriend for a few months with his family when I couldn’t afford to live on my own. But we had strict rules and kept God in the center and never went into each other’s bedrooms. I believe that was still a good decision for me at that time in my life
I think this statistic can be skewed a bit, though. This is just saying that people move in together before marriage, not necessarily even on the road to marriage. Meaning that a good portion of those people that are breaking up after living together probably would have broken up whether they lived together or not, living together just accelerated the break-up due to being around each other all of the time and the relationships problems becoming more prominent. I'm planning on moving in with whoever I end up marrying when I'm just engaged. By that point I already have the commitment required in a marriage, the wedding just hasn't happened yet. And I know that I'm in the relationship for the right reasons because I'm not having sex until my wedding night. I'm 18 now and I don't see anything wrong with living together without having sex. It's a much bigger testament to live together without having sex than it is to never even kiss until marriage and still not have had sex.
I feel like this logic is saying that if you don't want to get divorced then just never move in together, as if the reason relationships fail is because people live together
Amen! My husband and I moved in together when we got engaged. We didn't have sex before our wedding night and I think that is so important! We proved to ourselves that if we could resist that temptation, we could get through anything. I agree that we need to look deeper into the statistics to get a full picture. Whether the couples were engaged, practicing Christians, ect all have an impact.
I agree that in most instances, living together before marriage can be a bad idea, but my boyfriend's family took me in why I was homeless and when we got good jobs and he graduated college , we got our first place together and we've been living together for almost three years now. We are a team, building each other up, and working on our relationships with God together. We made a promise to get married and are still very much in love.
Why didn’t you just get married instead of doing all that? Just get married and stop playing house.
Wonderful video! I am currently engaged and getting married in December at 22 years old. We've been together for 4 years and we couldn't be more excited to enjoy the gifts that come along with marriage! It's so refreshing to see a video on this subject, as so many people our age tell us "I'd have to live with the person first". It's so sad how lost the purpose of marriage becomes when you speak with college students.
How’s it going so far?
Great video! I also look at it this way - when you're "testing out" the relationship you're not in any sort of commitment or covenant meaning, you can back out and leave but when you're married you're in a covenant and you grow and learn together so when some challenges rise you work together to resolve them and figure it out together. Therefore, higher rate of the relationship growing and surviving. I got married at 20 and been married for 3 years so I definitely can say I experienced it for myself and am speaking out of my own marriage learning. God bless! P.S. I would love to see a video similar to this with you and Alyssa in the near future, maybe marriage related or any other topics!
Even without the statistics I would have agreed with you, love what Tim Keller said, great preparation video Jeff, thanks!
I do agree with this. But I also think there are circumstances. When I graduated high school my parents left and moved starts and I chose to stay on my own. I got to a low point where I couldn’t afford to live. My boyfriends family took me in and I lived with them for around 5 months. But I also wasn’t “living” with my boyfriend. I hired with him and his family. I had my own bedroom (not even on the same floor as my boyfriend) we did not go into each other’s rooms alone and his mom treated me as her own. She is very godly and we prayed about this together in advance before we made a decision. When we lived together we had to remember we were still “dating” and not living together. Thats was one of his mother’s big rules. Meaning that during the week we spent time with the family and on weekends he would take me out on dates just as he would when I lived with my parents. I really think that was okay. And it worked for us for that time in our life especially with God in the center of the relationship. I just thought I’d share that
I think the whole thing can be summed in the fact that good things come to those who wait. Patience is a thing that so many people lack these days.
Thank you so much for this video. I have been struggling so much with this. It is so hard in today's time to stand up for what you believe in and not get ridiculed. But I know God is encouraging me on a daily basis to not give in to the ways of this world and this video has really helped. Thank you so much for posting!
I totally get this video... I am married now but before that we spent a year cohabitating with my then fiancé, we restrained from having sex because when we met each other we were a mess and were doing it all the time.
During out relationship I became Christian and talked to him about not having sex as we did before. We tried really hard, we failed several times but always got back on our feet, until we were able to respect the covenant to wait until marriage, it was a long road but we were able to make it... it's a matter of will, a matter of defeat your flesh desires!
I used to love Jefferson B. but this is very straightforward: If you're planning on/thinking about getting married to the person- Yes! Do it- it's very good and healthy to work out the kinks and get to know your partner's quirks and habits. I honestly think it gives you a very clear picture of the other person when they aren't dolled up and at their best 24/7. I'm very grateful for my living experience with my fiancé.
Great video! Can you in the future do a video about Christians marrying young? (19/20/21/22...) A lot of people I talk to say you should wait until you have a good career and have dated the person for 5+ years. But is it really worth opening yourself up to temptation with your S.O. just to wait for higher income? I realize marriage is work and that it is maybe even more work when you are younger but is that enough reasoning to wait until you are older? Thanks for considering :)
yes pls! do a video about christians marrying young jeff 🙏!
As a Christian who was married at 18 (now 25) I get asked a lot why we got married so young(and if we're happily married because we are so young). I know our reasoning behind it but I'd love to hear Jeff's thoughts on this topic too.
Yes!! Please do a video on this topic!!
My husband and I just got married in November and we actually were told by multiple people we shouldn't be getting married at 21. But, when you know that God has brought that man to your life and you are going to do everything in your power to put him before yourself, you know you have found the right man. God speaks to so many, in different ways! It's hard to ignore the "hate" that comes with getting married before you graduate from college.
+April Gallinger I think that when people are younger and they start dating (15-30 years old), everyone is still growing and trying to find themselves. it's very hard when people are younger to continue being together because they might grow in different directions. But when you meet someone as you're progressively reaching a more mature age, you're going to find someone who's capable of growing with you and someone who already knows what they like or dislike, want or don't want. And to be truthful, marriage failures tend to point towards financial issues so yes, having a good career is something to be mindful of.
Well my parents have been together for 35 years and they lived together prior and they have the most loving marriage. I think the key is finding a man who loves God and a man who loves you a whole lot to fight for things when they get rough. It’s about the two people and God! It’s many people who don’t live together before and divorce. So I think it’s all in God’s will not some stats.
Great video Jeff!
You put everything I wanted to say into the right words.
I know so many people who have this mentality of "I need to test this out/I need see if their really worth it". And it kinda drives me crazy. Lol.
I really wish I would have said more to my friends about this. Because it's just as you say, people aren't accommodities. If your only in the relationship to see if they can please YOU, then what's the point at all? Like, would you dump your partner who you love just because the sex isn't good? Would you dump them because they leave food in the sink? Leave the toliet seat up? Because they take up the TV? Gahh... If you love someone with all your heart, then little bothersome quirks they do should not make or break the relationship.
Okay, now this doesn't take into account different life situations. If two people are in love and committed to one another, and have been for a number of years, but are not yet financially stable/finished with their education (as grad school- med school can take many, many years), they may not be able to afford a wedding at this time. So for these two people, who are committed to one another and intend on getting married when finished with school/are financially stable: these people should not live together because they haven't had a ceremony? A ceremony and, yes, a piece of paper lawfully binding you two together does not equate love. I am sorry if this is not a popular opinion, but this is pure fact. Marriage is not what brings two people together, love is. So, if the only thing preventing these two people from living together is financial stability to hold a widely "socially acceptable" event to "prove" their love to each other, doesn't that sound like a silly reason?
Listen, I understand the religious point of view. But years and years ago, it didn't take this much time for both people to finish their education, and many people don't have the fortune of their parents paying for their living. If you are in a long term (as in my situation- 6+ years), monogamous relationship: living together will not hinder your future as a couple just because you don't want to go to the court house and cheapen the event so you don't become a "statistic". I don't think individual love is a statistic and shouldn't be compared to one.
Cortney Norwood Are you kidding? Marriage doesn't bring 2 people together? You're literally standing in front of your family and friends and PROMISING your whole entire LIFE to that person and that you'll be with them in the good times and bad times, until (hopefully) death separates you both. If that doesn't sound epic to you, I don't know what does. There's also a huge difference when you're living together before marriage and when you're married. Commitment, obviously! You're not actually committed when you're cohabiting, even though it's very similar to commitment. Also, another reason not to cohabitate is to help with abstinence or chastity (when a man and woman want to save sex for marriage), because that would be a lot harder and challenging if they were sharing the same bed.
Marriage is sacred, it is not only a piece of paper, the wife is bound to her husband spiritually as well. Marriage is not equal to wedding, that is why there are different types of marriage, like in many African countries, marriage is when your parent gives you away and is called traditional marriage and there is no signed paper involved but the groom pays the asked dowry to the wife's family. then again, you can not argue with God's commands.
My ex-husband and I were both virgins when we got married. We did not live together and were very excited to start our married life together. 20 years of sadness and things not working out because we thought we knew each other. We followed what the Bible said to do and it still ended in divorce. Every body has a different story....I see my daughter and her boyfriend stronger together in 4 months than my marriage was in 20 years. Satistics speak, but I still ended up with a broken home AND we followed God's word.
Can you please make a video of What is marriage? the definition marriage? the commitment of marriage. Thank you .
As someone that lived with her spouse before marriage, I can attest to the damage it does to a relationship. Thankfully my husband and I have worked hard at fixing things. But we've paid the price. Something changes when you say the vows for marriage and are married. It is the deepest kind of commitment. And if the foundation is wrong, then it will damage the relationship. Save yourself the pain and just don't do it.
Wow thank you for this. I'm graduating high school this June, and my boyfriend had already mentioned living together during college. This really got me back on track
Love the video! My boyfriend and I are Christians and we been living together for five years, we are not married yet not even engaged but when we decided to move in with eachother we made sure that we were gonna stick by eachother nomatter what not just as a couple but two best friends. With God its been possible. We been through so much and over came it all and I have a rule never to threaten to leave when things get tough. But I pray that we can become one through marriage because at the same time I feel ashamed, especially sex before marriage. Its not that we don't want to but rather financially its hard. He always treats me with respect, he's made so many sacrifices for me, we communicate amazing and through misunderstandings we especially look to God. A situation like this confuses me cause of course we don't wanna disappoint God...we are extremely happy together and we have unfailing love for eachother but does this disappoint God?
For my first date with my wife to our wedding date was only 9 months. But our FIRST kiss was on our wedding day.
Date with a purpose. we'd go out to resturants and just discuss our finances or how we wanted to raise kids ect. we've been happily married over 2 years and Im glad and have NO REGRETS OF WAITING!!! its worth it!!
Referring to the comment made around 1:25-1:40. I would rather know the probability of "divorce only" after living together before marriage. You specifically said the probability of "breaking up" is higher, which could include breaking up before marriage. And that's the point of living together first: so that you can test it out and feel okay with leaving if you don't like living with that person. Or perhaps you did mean divorce and just misspoke?
your statistics scare me. I am a cohabitater we are getting married this summer. and the reason I moved in is because I got kicked out of my parents house.
If the chances of you breaking up with cohabitation is 46% in the divorce rate is higher than 50% what’s the difference? Life is going to hit you no matter what, with your living together or married
Recently started listening to your and Alyssa's podcast, love it! I appreciate the honesty, transparency and openness to tackle questions of any sort head on. Big fan, love how God is utilizing you two in BIG ways! Looking forward to listening to your book on Audible soon :)
Amen! And thanks for taking that comment in the last video and making this one
Beautifully explained and addressed! I made many mistakes and cohabitation was one of them. I was that 50% chance that failed, and I remember telling my partner at the time, that I felt like I was a car, that was being test driven, but he convinced me that I was exaggerating. In fact, we had arguments about me not wanting to move in (we were in a long distance relationship) and he said I was being dramatic. There was red flags all over, but I chose to ignore them despite my convictions. I am living proof, that cohabitation hurts a relationship. Cohabitation, made me feel like I wasn't marriage material, it made me feel like an object rather than a human being with emotions. I wish I knew, what I know now. But I have faith God will redeem, all my mess and turn it into a message!
sometimes if we aren't careful, we get pressured by culture(everyone is doing it) but Christ said "you are not of this world" and I start praying to the Lord asking him to strengthen me and lead me to the cross. So now I concluded, even if I'm following God alone, him I will follow alone, it's better to be hated by many for following Christ than to be hated by Christ for following many.. grace and peace.
First fiance, Lived with one year "alone with him" , found out he was abusive. Even tho, he never had shown sign's prior before we moved in together.------------ Second finance I moved in with one year again" alone just him and I. We have been now Married for 28 year's been together over 31. ..raised 4 beautiful children together all being "our biological children"
.------------ Sincerely : I didn't count my chicken's before they hatched.
I have been blessed with common sense and a really great husband whom has never abused me. You never truly know some one unless you live "alone" with that person. That is a not a statistic, it's a fact.
Well done. That's a difficult topic. Early Christians struggled with similar questions and Paul addressed it in his first letter to the Corinthians (1 Corinthians 10:23) - "Everything is permissible, but not everything is helpful. Everything is permissible, but not everything builds up." It is not a decision that determines your salvation but it is also not what God intended for us.
Thank you for the video! This topic isn't something I've specifically struggled with, as I've shared your view point all along, but something else you said really struck a chord with me. You said that while you're living your own life (not engaged, not married) you are still learning to build self control and work through things you need to deal with along with saying no while your body and mind are saying yes. That's where I am, everything in me wants to be engaged and ultimately married to my current boyfriend, but that's just not where it is right now. While it would be easy to give in to temptation and live together, that's not what will bring the most joy. I'm learning patience, waiting on the Lord, self control and working on things in my life that need worked on. Thanks for your reminders and pointing us toward the truth. I appreciate you and Alyssa's ministry!
I am part of that small percentage of people that lived together before we were married and I will tell you, it made things so hard. We struggled. We got married about 8 months later but it really added stress where it didn't need to be. He is my best friend now, but it was hard and we nearly gave up! Why add that to your relationship when you can wait and learn more about each other before you move in together?
My brother's been a relationship for over 10 years. Since been with the girl since the end of high school, dated through college, dated during those post college years, moved in together during their mid 20s. About two years after that have a child that is now 2. Clearly he's not going anywhere, and if they break up tomorrow that's a relationship that lasted longer then most marriages these days. Don't see why they need some "covenant"
Regardless I get what your saying in your opinion and I respect how you never come off as condescending or speaking down to people.
+fizman22 Because they can break up now and neither one owes the other anything. Law will say the man/woman has to support the child, but that is owed the child, not the partner.
Iron Guy And?
+fizman22 Thus the point. Still don't see it or consider it unimportant? K.
Not understanding? She can go bang and tang with any number of dudes without telling him. Walk away from the situation, and take the child with her, never for the father to see him again (until after he's 18). And many other number of situations. He gets no lawful and little social consideration.
She can do this, and the law will protect her. You and your family may say "what a tramp/whore/liar/worthless person", but without a covenant of legal nature (and moral nature if you are the religious type) it is a very mentally, financially, and emotionally dangerous place to be.
Iron Guy The courts favor the mother regardless if your married or not.
Yeah but since they are not married God's glory and blessings cannot be fully bestowed in that relationship. That is why marriage is so important and it's so important to God because he created it for two human beings to join in full intimacy and obedience to the Lord
great stuff Jeff!! My husband and I waited to move in together until we got married (among other things we waited for). Best decision ever, left no regrets, no guilt, and it's an adventure! I'd def encourage anyone struggling or feeling pressured to move in to just wait it out.
Hi Jeff!
I just bought your book and I love the way you break down the bible. Your breakdowns of what the bible is saying makes sense to me and helps me to bring more of those values in my everyday life. Making the bible current is so important so I love how your videos do that and I feel like it helps me to become closer to God because I understand how to apply verses to my life. Your advice is much appreciated and so helpful. Thank you for all you do!
I really enjoyed listening to you....your heart and soul are in the right place...and for someone so young, I hope the other young folks will open their ears and hearts to hear you too.
I believe those statistics are highly misleading. There are too many variables, one being that most couples who choose not to live together before marriage make that choice based on religious beliefs. Those couples are also more likely to stay in unhappy/unhealthy marriages out of guilt, feelings of obligation, or fear of being judged by their religious community. I don't think the divorce rate is higher because of cohabitation, there are other factors to consider.
this was a great video! I love that you are discussing topics like this and see before marriage, and just the types of the things that are going on in relationships now a days. I'm currently single, but I genuinely want to have a God honoring relationship and marriage one day in God's timing. And sometimes it's so easy to want to settle and give in to how the world handles relationships and not wait on God. I regularly pray over myself, my future husband, and our marriage that we will not compromise. praying over this and trusting God helps me to gladly remain single until God brings a godly man into my life who will respect our relationship and my body enough to WAIT for sex, living together, spending the night, sharing bank accounts etc until we are married. The young adult service at my church recently began a new series called Marriage Goals and I invited my friend, who lives with her bf, to come. she is very willing and excited to attend church, so I pray it will help her think about her decisions within her relationship. She is an awesome girl, and I just want her to have the best relationship God will give her. Thanks for these videos!
My husband (fiancé at the time) moved into my apartment 3 months before our wedding because his lease was up. Being 30 and having been down that road before of living together outside of the covenant in previous relationships, we discussed how we both wanted to approach things differently. We decided that we would remain celibate until our wedding night and it was the best decision for us. Was it easy? No. But our faith in Christ is what brought us together and we wanted to honor Him. Thank you for this video!
wow this is very true. even though was so young and not a believer i got married at 18 years old mostly cause we had a 6month old baby "trying to do the right thing" and at 23 years old a few months ago i got a divorce. I didnt grow up going to church at all but i look back and see God was trying to get my attention. God saved my life and my kids life. I want to have a real marriage someday soon. i struggle at times so thank you for this video. Gods plans are better than my plans
I feel like these statistics are based on the idea that two people live together and keep separate finances and such. My fiance and I can't get married until I graduate or it will lower my financial aid. We moved in together before marriage but have completely moved into marriage without a certificate. We dropped all of our personal accounts and merged EVERYTHING. We also started fresh together and had to buy everything for our home from our joint bank account rather than playing the "I'll pay the couch, you pay for the bedframe" game. Seeing as we are living out as if we were fully 100% married, I don't see how living together will harm our marriage.
I think living together before marriage is the way to go that way you know how they live and little more about them
My wife and I lived together for 6 months before getting married. On Feb. 7th we will have been married for 35 years. I married at 18 without living with her first. Within 9 months we were separated then divorced. I would never live with a women without living with her first. I am a Christian, but I decide what is right for me.
This is the best response I have ever heard to this question. I'll definitely be recommending this to others in the future. Thank you, Jeff, for your hard work to put this together!!
A very big downside to cohabiting is that after you get married, you just go back to the same house or apartment, the same life, the same stuff, and it's not really new anymore
My husband and I lived together before we were married. However, we were engaged. We also didn't have sex before we were married. I think in our hearts we felt married when we were engaged, we just had to wait for all the planning stuff to be finished before we could actually get married.
When looking at stats I think we have to look deeper. Are those co-habitating Christians? Do they have sex before marriage? Are they engaged? When we look deeper I think we find more meaning behind the stats.
I know this is a sensitive subject in today's society but I want to thank you for looking into this statistically and making an honest video of how you feel about the subject in a loving manner. Love your videos and I hope you keep them coming. It is a beautiful testimony and ministry. Blessings.
can you talk about when she doesn't feel ready for a relationship but both love each other and you think she's the one...
Bro, this was excellently articulated. Couldn't agree with you more. Divorce rates are much higher in my generation than in the past and I believe all the 'new' relationship/sex beliefs are to blame.
Wise words, Jeff Bethke -- Wise words. There is some great advice in this video. Thanks for sharing it, and for being willing to put yourself out there with a view that might not be anywhere near as popular as it should be.
My friends and I have had this discussion before, and the main reason we decided to not live with a guy before we get married is because we want to get married. We know so many girls who want to get married to their boyfriend, but he always says, "why should I marry you if we already live together?"
And there are many couples who did live together before being married, and they have been together for 30 years or more, and there are couples who decided not to live together and divorced in 5 years.
When it comes down to it, I think it all comes down to who is more willing to save their marriage.
My fiance & I currently live together. We moved in together a year ago after we got engaged because we did not want to be separated because of college. We are getting married in three weeks and since we have gotten engaged we have done christian premarital counseling and helped each other grow closer to God. We are waiting until we are married to be intimate, which i the hardest part of living together. We know that we could have waited to move in together but we both feel that God has put us together for a reason. & from the beginning we have not looked at our relationship as if someone would walk out any minute. We realize that it is a commitment and that their are going to be hard times that we have to stick it out through no matter what. The statistics must apply to people that view marriage from a fickle standpoint.
Jefferson, the amount of people you are influencing is beyond awesome! God bless :)
I admire the ministry that God had entrusted you as a youtuber, that's why I subscribed right away. You're life is both a blessing and an inspiration. I want to see more of your videos.
Absolutely all true and so many are stubborn and want to argue with me about disobedience bringing curses and about the whole needing to live together before to see if compatible, all of the lies the devil loves to put into our minds. The STATISTICS are SOOO helpful for those who just don't care to hear about what God says. Thanks soooooo very much for this video. Love you guys! God bless you
I see your point here Jeff. I don't think it inherently bad bad to cohabit (it depends more on the way it is done and motive behind it), but I never considered the point you brought up that it can be like "testing a person or relationship." I was hoping that you would bring up more than just statistics but also passages in Scripture speak of this topic and also how they can apply to our context. There are situations when couples cohabit because abuse can be happening in their home and even ones when they live in with a few family members. In these kind of situations they can still learn to mature independently while seeking accountability. Just some of my thoughts.
This has been really true for us. We were intimate before marriage and it was completely different from after we were married. Sex outside of marriage is totally different.
Thank you for being a light to the world! Praying the Holy Spirit continues to speak through you
There are situations that prohibit marriage. In our case, I am on Disability (100%) if we were to get Married I loose my entire income. I worked from the time I was 16 until going on disability at 46, I feel that me having my own income is a Plus! We are more than 100% committed to one another and have declared that we are in this until the Lord takes us home. It is what works for us and we know that we are doing the right thing.
Thank you, Jeff! I've been listening to your videos and at first, they were quite insightful. This time, it's become more personal. I recently became a Christian and I've been debating about moving out from a cohabitation situation. I don't have the parents to ask advice from. Thank you for sharing and living the truth: even if it's hard to hear. Though few may want to hear, their are those who do want to hear the truth. Please continue to speak and live the truth by the Word of God.
Asked my youth pastor a couple of months back the same question. Pretty pleased that both of you had similar answers and explanations. :)
I agree 100%. The statistics are insane! I didn't live with my ex-husband before we were married, but almost everything else was as if we were already married.
Hey Jeff, so this has nothing to do with this specific video ( especially because I'm a teenager who is no where close to living on her own let alone with another person) but I went through ALOT of your videos tonight and I don't think I have ever cried and learned that much about Jesus in one night. I thank you for everything you are doing, you are truly making disciples of Jesus and I just wanted to thank you on behalf of all your viewers. :)
I love that you took a statistical approach to this question. Very well delivered.
I believe people that live together have a tendency to want to take from each other instead of having a responsibility to grow together in order to prepare for marriage better yet, get to know each and the mindset can change at any time so one person leave at any moment without any discussion or have any closure on the matter that the scary part of all this this is where the trust issues begins
the way you went about this topic was genius! you could feel grace ans truth coming through!
I moved in with my now husband before we got married. Bc I was in a bad situation and had to get out I was also living with his parents and me and him had separate rooms. We have been married for almost four years and we have a great marriage! I think if it's something like that (you're not living just you and him by yourself) and you set up boundaries it works out better.
Seems like you've got 6 years left!
+Blurb ???
I love this and I know the debate will go back and forth. I can say that I have lived with someone in a past relationship and things went to fast it was the hormone high and I was scared that he could leave anytime he wanted because we were not married. To make a long story short I am married now which means I made the choice that I am going to love this man and do whatever it takes he isn't going anywhere and neither am I we work hard together to take care of us. I am home now and I sleep a lot more peacefully.
Hi Jeff awsem vid and yes couples mustn't live together before marriage. My wife and I are married 6 years and we did live together before hand and surprisingly made us stronger together. We survived things that where supposed to rip us apart. People must thing clearly before making such a big decision we did get told more then once by multiple people the relationship is God given and wasn't by chance that we met.
Hope daddy God blessed you epicly!!!
Humans are not cars. You may take a car back or sell it if it breaks down. People need to take marriage seriously. There is no comparison to dating and marriage. Marriage is a covenant and vulnerability. Dating can be a commitment, but there is still a sense of "single freedom". Each individual learns more about one another internally and can get a stronger relationship with God during the dating stages. 😇
The stat that you're speaking of is true but I learned no so long ago in my Sociology class that the reason for breakups for people who live together. My professor told us that couples who tend to live together also tend to come from families of divorce and those who come from families of divorce tend to get divorced. So in short, the moving in together is not necessarily the cause for the split. The cause comes from couples who come from divorced families.
I checked every single one of those sources and they are all from the 80s or 90s.... curious what current statistics say. There are a lot more factors that go into divorce than living together. And honestly if you live together and find out it doesn't work it is better than going through a messy divorce! I think it is ultimately up to the couple. There are a lot of things in the Bible we no longer use as a guide.
2 problems of this argumentation:
1.the statistics seem self-evident: of course break-ups are more probable, because there are other intentions (e.g. "testing") - and btw: perhaps some things are indeed crucial to find out before marriage (which may give additional reasons for breaking up)
2.if you are in your very first phase you want to share EVERYTHING - and if cohibitation is no valid option, it may lead to the fact that young couples marry too early and may end up in a divorce
I would like to read any counter-arguments to this post
and yes relationships prior to the one could help you figure out who and what you like, what are you looking for. i am going to live with my girlfriend because i love her and im sure its gonna work out since we are together pretty much everyday anyways. its not bout marriage its about true love.
Hey man I love very special channel, I love that your information is scriptural but also factual. Keep up the good work man I’m praying for your channel and your family
Hello Jeffrey !
I love all your videos, they are so honest and directed to God's word, they are the best !
There is one thing really important for me that would be awesome to talk about ... Homosexuality
I know this is THE subject that everyone is afraid of, but I haven't found a video really "God's word" based, just like your "tattoo" video, really searching the context and if it's a sin or not ... everyone talks about this verses in Leviticus 20:13, and Leviticus 18:22, where if we take them out of context, it's clear, but if we search about the context, it's totally different!
Hope you'll see this message and maybe talk about it :)
I can't say how much this video resonated with me. My husband and I I don't me know when each other a short time before we moved in together. Which in and of itself was crazy. We had such a hard time living together it was difficulties that we never thought of before. Things that we didn't think would bother each other things we didn't even know that we didn't like. There were times when we just wanted to give up and run and just from the sexy side of things you are so emotionally vulnerable because you truly can't be your self you truly can't give everything you have because you risk losing it it wasn't until we been married for several years that I realized this. See I had been raped when I was a teenage girl and so I felt like my gifted already been taken so what was the big deal I was broken already. Emotionally scarred right didn't have the right figures in my life to guide me in the right way. So I took to my own thoughts and seeing that I felt broken and like my gift was already gone I figured well might as well try before you buy right? Later on in my marriage I found myself feeling ashamed and I don't never been with maybe four guys total which is way less then the norm today but it still made me feel dark inside. It made me feel something that is hard to put into words. But also help me to realize how much that I had lost in being with other men before I was married and how much I couldn't get those pieces of myself back. Things that I had given little bits of myself if you will, because that's what society told me to do, because that was the norm, because I was young and stupid and naïve. It wasn't until later in my marriage and once I had fully matured that I realized that I had given up pieces of myself that I didn't even know I had given up. That in those moments I thought I was experiencing intimacy by getting those pieces of myself to those men but truly I didn't know the meaning of intimacy . I found such a love such a profound wholeness in sex with my husband because there were no boundaries there were no insecurities I could just be me and he excepted me for me. He sees my flaws and still thinks I'm attractive awkward things can happen during sex and he doesn't put me down make me feel poorly about myself and vice versa. Whereas before marriage when you're with someone that you can't fully trust because they have other motives and maybe soda you you're always holding back you're always try not to embarrass yourself you're always keeping a little bit of yourself talk to way. Kind of how most women won't pass gas in front of a new boyfriend or how a boyfriend tries to make sure that everything is tidied up before his girlfriend comes over because he doesn't want her to see his true self but the self that he's allowing her to see. There's a lot that you learn once you get married and it's so much easier to learn it with the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with them to try it out on other people get hurt and up emotionally damaged have the mix tape in your head changed for what could be years to come . When you look at all that really doesn't seem worth it. And yes at least two out of four men were men that I thought I would spend the rest my life with and we just found that overtime we were incompatible. I never lived with any of those men but I did have sex with them. People tell me that you needed to try out your man before you married him to make sure you were sexually compatible and they couldn't of been more wrong. Because as much as I felt I was sexually compatible I wasn't really able to let myself go if you want to put it that way. Within the confines of marriage I have found freedom I don't have to be anyone but myself I don't have to act like the girl in the movie I don't have to wonder if I'm better then the last girl he was with because I'm the only woman he's with so there is no comparison there is no wondering if I'm enough for him because I'm all there is. Yes as far as divorce is concerned he could still walk. Yes whether you live together or are married the other can still walk but it's a lot harder to walk out of a situation where you have stood before God before your friends before your family and pledge to put someone else's life someone else's heart before your own. Living together was always like having 1 foot out the door. Like knowing that you always knew where the emergency exits were. Now having been married for 10 years this year and being one of the one in 10 ratio I see, just how important marriage is. I saw it along time ago but I find as I mature in my marriage you realize just how much it means to you and just how much you're not willing to give that up. Because after we got married instead of knowing where the exits were we knew that if we banded together we could survive anything. That we didn't need to find the exits because with each other we could climb the stairs we could survive the earthquake, we could survive the flood, we could survive anything because were one wasn't strong enough twoalways were. And where I couldn't walk he would carry me and where he couldn't walk I would carry him and when we couldn't carry each other God carried us all. To all of you living together before marriage you have two choices give it up or get married. I call you to stick your faith , I call you to figure out what you want in your life, I call you to dare to be different than the norm in society today. I call you to ask yourself if this is the life you want if this is the example you want to set for others and if this is the legacy you want to leave behind. I pray for each and everyone of you that you would know God and know his plan for your life and even if all you have is the statistics alone who would want to be against those odds. Take it from someone who has had an uphill climb that if you can go and easier way why wouldn't you
Thank you for this.
Sex is supposed to be mark of the covenant. Sex is what actually makes one married. Sex is a marriage union with another unto God, a wedding is a legal recognition unto the government. One must ask themself, what really makes them married, a sex/union covenant or a marriage license. In Isreal, at the time of Jesus, weddings could not continue, if the couple did not have sex. A marriage covenatnt is unification by becoming one flesh. Sad that many leave after they had sex. The sex before marriage is not the sin, the leaving the covenant is.
I know this is crazy, but what about living together and not having sex? I know most people couldn't do that, but I (somehow) could. My girl and I are God fearing virgins and don't watch porn. Since we have strong boundaries (no kissing allowed), it would be pretty easy to avoid the key going into the key hole. I think the living together stat involves sex %100 of the time, which is why I ask. Thanks.
P.S. videos that are 3 years old don't really get any views anymore for the most part, so don't be afraid to respond to me, as no one will probably ever read us
I wish my husband would understand this. We cohabitated for many years and then finally got Married. I insisted on getting married. He didnt care for it. Until this day I see the damage that was made through our cohabitation. Now I want to urge my little sister not to o the same mistake but I have no clue how.
Very well said. Absolutely great insight. I can agree with all of your points; moving in together is appealing for reason you listed, but I never thought of it as a "test drive" until now, and that is totally what it is! Wow. Thank you for sharing your thoughts :)
You also have to look at the types of people associated with these stats. Ppl that don’t live together first are probably also more religious or have strict beliefs (their own or their family’s) and so I feel like that group may “stick it out” in a marriage vs. People that live together first who are probably those less likely to stay in a marriage because ‘god and the family’ wouldn’t approve. No wrong or right, just question stats and causation